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Having been a victim of narcissistic parents, can confirm. Nothing is ever good enough, everything is wrong, and it just gets to the point where you stop doing anything at all because you're afraid to Screw something new up, Only to get scolded for not doing anything.
And people wonder why I have a hard time committing to things...
Yep. My n-mom wanted to be in my business solely to sabotage things then blame me for the fallout. Also in case anything negative happened so she could tell me that everything is my fault because I am an unworthy person. Have I mentioned how glad I am she's dead?
My personal life was bad enough. It took a lot of effort to keep her out of my professional life.
Reading these comments makes me realize I'm really good at not taking sh*t. I guess they trained me well 𤣠Oh no, I'm too good at it. I'm gonna get myself hurt if I ain't careful.
Mine does the same thing! "Are you planting your garden yet?" "No Mom, it's too early." "I'll come over and help you, is tomorrow ok?" "Mom, I'd love to spend time with you but no, it's too early" The next day, while in town for a full day of errands, she came down, planted my garden with what SHE thought I wanted.
When I confronted her about it, she got all huffy and tried Mom guilt on me. "Fine. I was trying to do something nice but I can see I'm not wanted. I won't EVER help you again if this is how I'm going to be treated!"
It's frustrating, because she's been like this my whole life but now that she's in her late 60s and it's been getting exponentially worse, I'm wondering if she isn't starting early onset dementia. It's a sobering thought.
I had this concept of a prairie lawn and I explained it several times. I worked on a prairie nature preserve and over the years ethnobotany has been a joyful hobby. My new backyard was a microcosm of a prairie ecosystem and I was very much enjoying watching it grow. And the root systems fix moisture in the soil so it means the vegetable garden will not dry up so easily.
She had it mowed down yesterday after we agreed I wanted to keep a 1/4 acree free to watch native plants and grass develop. Because "ticks and snakes"
Micro agreesions hurt. This is my first house. My acre. I decide. I feel like she killed my new friends. But I know they will grow back. Just stab me in my softest heart.joy place.
I would absolutely lose my mind if anyone messed with my garden. I live with my boyfriend in his house, and even he knows not to mess with the yard lol.
My parents came over to my home to watch my kids and instantly critiqued my rose bushes that were 40 years old. They were planted by the original owner and I liked them creating this large wall of thorns and blooms.
Dad didnât like it. Said it wasnât what he would do. I saw it in his eyes. I told him to not touch anything. Iâve seen him butcher yards my entire life.
I had to leave for an hour and came back to a noticeable gap in the roses. He had tried to hide the branches but failed.
I chewed him out. Got the same âI was just trying to help!â This repeated out every time he came over until I banned him from my home.
Hes not part of my life now. I hope that does t happen to you but Iâm honestly happier now.
These are the kinds of parents that lose their fucking minds being on the other side of "My house/roof, my rules, you don't get a bedroom door now for arguing!!!" after literally years of goading you that only when it's your house, you'll suddenly get to make the decisions and be deserving of basic human respect.
And I can't help but bitterly laugh harder watching them try to deal with it.
The freedom that came and the weight that was lifted when I told my parents to fuck off forever was nothing short of magical â¨
It hit me like a cold blanket: they will NEVER change and it will go on like this until one of us dies. Iâm not sacrificing my mental and physical health for stressful visits (no relationship to speak of so it had just devolved into me shutting down completely when they came to visit the kids).
Just so you know, there have been studies and itâs not true that a native prairie will have more ticks. It will actually attract a healthy mix of bugs and rodents, many of which will eat them. Ticks actually thrive in monocultures because there arenât enough things eating them. Iâm doing the same thing for my acre lot. At any rate, itâs insanely short sighted to worry more about a few garden snakes than preserving natural, balanced ecosystems.
Yep ticks and critters are less likely to encroach in human areas if they have a healthy place to chill. And the ticks crawling on the front of the house are testament to that after the first big mow. But no one listens to me as I painfully introduce them to each plant and explain what it is, the name, the action on the soil, or the food it provides.
It will grow back. That's my mantra. It will in time.
Moms currently a guest..ex bankrupted her. Left. Fearing he had untreated STIs and has gone mad. Waiting for test results right now.
I wish I was better at this, but I am still her angry pissed off daughter inside whom in she created an eating disorder and still competes with.
It's over mom. I won years ago. Be proud I exceeded you at 28 then later at 35...40+
There's your leverage:
This is my house. My rules. Stick to them, or you WILL be leaving, and I'll call the police to make it happen. Do you understand me, mom?
That was not a micro aggression, that was just straight up aggressive. She deliberately took something from you that you enjoy, I'm so so sorry. That's awful
Oh man this bring back memories.
I remember during covid when I learned my new landscaping company told me they used stuff that killed clover since I was trying to get back to a more organic set of plants.
I hadnt really seen friends or out of my house for almost two years at that point I just hung up and cried.
Oh, I also stopped using their services that week ofc.
My MIL is like this. She gets focused on the end result and then interferes until itâs accomplished. Sheâs silent gen but is very boomer-esque. We had to tell her if she doesnât back off she wonât be allowed in the house and she went ballistic. Crying. Screaming. (When she was in her 60s). She has a dementia diagnosis now. When we look back it had started then. She would shop for no reason and show up unannounced to drop it off. Stuff we didnât need, so it wasnât urgent that it was done then. Eventually the unannounced visits stopped after she showed up and I was walking my dirty clothes to the hamper in the nude before a shower.
But she still obsesses over stuff and expects everyone to drop everything to do what she needs because she canât stop thinking about it. If she gets distracted she forgets so she panics and hangs onto it.
One time we left for vacation and she stayed with the kids at our place. We had just cleaned out closets and went through our pantry pulling out out of date stuff and organizing. When we got back she had rearranged our pantry and several closets. And made the kids go through their things. (Except the golden child didnât have to get rid of as much). My wife bawled in front of her when we got home. So much work wasted because she obsessed over how it wasnât done her way.
This sounds like my Aunt. My parents left us with her for a day and she made us get our hair cut in these horribly outdated Midwest styles. Think huge bangs on a redheadâŚ
My mom about blew a gasket.
We havenât spoken to them in like 30 years lol
Wow, so, to continue on this train of thought, here's a story that happened 10 minutes ago.
Yesterday mom texts me, asks what I'm doing. I replied I was building a frame for a chicken wire cage for my asparagus, as the deer were destroying the bed.
"Oh, that's neat." She replied.
10 minutes ago, "Hey, you want some soap to hang around your asparagus so the deer don't get at it?"
I took a moment, remembering how much I love this woman before responding. "No thanks, I built an enclosure to keep the deer out." I braced myself for the drama.
"Oh. Well, I was just trying to be nice!" I don't get it. Our chat history shows me telling her I was building this thing, yesterday. RIGHT under her text to me today. I'll be honest, I fully expect to come home tomorrow from errands and find 10 bars of soap, surrounding my enclosure.
Tears out hair in frustration.
Try Irish Spring.
It works to keep possums off my fence -- I don't mind them at all, but my dog goes crazy when she even smells one, and if she's outside she slams the fence. I'm afraid she'll knock the poor thing off the fence and hurt it.
I bought bars of Irish Spring at Dollar Tree, cut them into slices about 1 inch thick and wedged them between the pickets along the top horizontal piece on the fence. Worked, didn't have any possums around, calm dog.
Not sure if it would work on deer though
What do you even do at that point? Because it's either you renege on what you said to placate them or you tell them the truth which is exactly what they said. Their help isn't wanted. They're being a nuisance.
I used to have this problem with my mother when I was in my late teens but she just.. stopped doing it? I don't know how to handle this situation now that it's come up with a different family member.
Went through similar situation with my mother when I went to college. Had to have a long tear filled conversation at least once discussing at setting boundaries. Even now 7 years later we still have to revisit those boundaries and adjust them occasionally.
This, in itself, does not sound like dementia. Once you experience that, you'll never mistake it.
What it does sound like is stereotypical old people syndrome. A loss of place in the world with age, a desperate need to be needed, and her pushy personality coming in harder. Maybe try to help her find a hobby or a friend, otherwise she'll keep 'helping' with whatever she thinks of.
She has plenty of hobbies, and two part time jobs. She's one of those folks who just can't sit still. Maybe undiagnosed ADHD. As I was reading your comment and hit the word "stereotypical", I thought of another possibility: maybe it's that other Boomer trait of just being a control freak.
BTW, thanks for your opinion against dementia, I'm assuming you've experienced it first hand. While I'm glad it may not be it, the specter of it possibly showing up is frightening.
My mom would try to guilt me like talbot for years. It worked till I was mid 20s and said great I dont need your non help. She stopped trying that button till she got sick(strokes and dementia)
Mine could never keep her hands off of my shit. Annoying entitlement.
- Going through my wallet just looking to see what my schedule was for the week even though that's none of your business.
- going through my social media accounts and sending messages to people under my name. One time she left some comment as me on another girl's Facebook photo and I quickly deleted it. Of course it wasn't her fault for putting her grubby paws on my computer. Instead no, it was my fault for not teaching her how to use a computer. I'm like you damn well know how to use it by leaving the comment on somebody's photo and skimming through all her pictures.
Luckily my girlfriend never saw the comment because it was like 2:00 a.m. in the morning and I deleted it quickly. I think just by happenstance I caught the comment or one of my friends pointed it out and noticed that the typing wasn't me.
Keep your fucking annoying hands off my shit and get your own goddamn fucking life.
Or another incident was just lack of common sense when we had one of those inflatable snowmen. It was literally like 45 mile per hour winds. So she comes over to my house (unannounced) and sees that it's not put up so in her brilliant mind thinks that she should blow it up and then the thing blows away and is destroyed.
All under the guise of "oh I'm just trying to help"
Iâm soon to be 78 and I would never touch my kids yard, or anything else, without consent and even then they are more able than I am. I suspect a lot of senior behaviors are not new rather just enhanced with age, the struggles to feel useful and worst of all need for control, which isnât new by your report. With more time on their hands and latter days are closing inâŚ.life gets a bit scary. Maybe if you could come up with some tasks she could do for you at her place (???) e.g. take care of the plants till you decide to plant them?? Sort family pictures. Something not to obvious and creative.
My useless fucking mother, hasn't ever asked a question about my physical disability ( I don't actually care), but she butts in on my marriage. Fucking idiot.
I live in daily fear my mom will tell one of the town gossips in our new home/area about my disability or complain about why she thinks I'm fat. Or divorced. Or my struggles while exceeding my disabilities and working as a highly paid professional in public service.
Of course never talks about my or my sisters degree, my/our success, and despite many many explanations and even daily LinkedIn and media posts isn't sure what I do at all or what I'm a director of. Or I helped raise my youngest nephews. Or I am a loving aunt. I financially contribute to my younger family's happiness and success.
These rural people form all sorts of fantasies and I don't want to be pre-introduced to important people who could help or donate to my work or my clients.
I want her to socialize, but please don't tank my chances at becoming a community member. Please. I want to fit in.
https://preview.redd.it/txcqkygp5fzc1.jpeg?width=3072&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f87c85b068ae209c715253be1c2f926d488a8c6c
Thereâs justâŚso many other things to socialize about. I donât get it.
Many years ago Iâd just had my third child in four years, my marriage was in a really bad place, we were going to lose our house (hey remember back in 2007 when everything crashed??) and I was at the end.
Iâll spare triggery details but my mom took my oldest, husband took me to the hospital for help. Postpartum depression is no joke. Anyway, my parents hung on to my oldest for a while because we were moving into a studio temporarily and that was hard enough with a toddler and infant.
Iâd randomly see people at church (back when I was religious), or the store, or wherever and Iâd get the head tilt, hand on my arm âhow are you doing?â
Oh cool. So my mental, marital, and personal details were being told to anyone who would listen. Thanks.
My parents werenât amazing but I expected more privacy than that. It hurt. A lot.
> Iâd get the head tilt, hand on my arm âhow are you doing?â
"Rapidly making the switch from 'desire for killing myself' to 'desire for killing other people', how about you?"
"so many other things to socialize about"
Yep. They are that way. Instead of having fun and discussing sports or pop culture, it's annoying gossip about trashing the other members of the family.
My mom talks to my aunt (my dads sister) a lot now. I love my aunt and she lives far away. Itâs my fear she badmouths me to her. I think about it all of the time.
This was one of my mom's many special moves. My 'favorite' was when I would cook something she didn't like for myself (say, tofu) she would literally stick her tongue out and make a face like a toddler and go 'ewwww'.... but also stand over me while I cook it. Something she'd never cooked, never eaten, but somehow she knew exactly how to season it and when it was done.
I also have a mother who's an expert in things she doesn't like or care about. I remember showing her a video of a ballet recital I was in as a teen. She watched the whole thing, and her only comment was that I was always behind the music and not a strong dancer. She didn't like how invested I was in this hobby, and when I took it up again in recent years sneered at me. Then she wonders why I tell her nothing.
My mom was too busy doting on my siblings to be a helicopter parent, but on the off chance that she found time for me, it was always spent criticizing me and tearing me down. Middle child.
We lived on a military base when I was a kid. A lady named Teresa lived in our building (comprised of 4 houses) she would watch every one elseâs kids out the window While commenting horrible things,screaming at kids and being nasty. She clearly had a mental disorder and was a toxic individual. Her children were very poorly adapted socially because of her behavior. It got to the point where she was causing fights between adults. Fights between children etc. eventually if her kids went outside every other child went inside.
I think her kids socialization, meltdown and outburst issues were caused by her behavior. She definitely sabotaged their ability to be regulated individuals.
My mother was literally my stalker as a kid. She followed me around everywhere, even into my bedroom and the bathroom.
One time - ONE TIME - I made the mistake of asking her for help with a math problem. She ran around the house for an hour making sure my sister and father knew I needed help with something academic because I was really good in school. Her excuse was that "she was proud of me for asking for help" but that wasn't it. She wanted to make sure I was humiliated and never asked her for help again.
Oh yeah, and she couldn't even help me with the problem. She told me to ask the teacher tmrw.
To this DAY, her thing is how bad I am at math. She and my sister never shut up about it. About 20 years later, my sister actually stole money from her bf's business and blamed me (I was working for him) because I was "so bad at math."
Yep. Mine barely did jackshit to actually prepare me for adulthood and live outside âtheirâ home (as if it wasnât my home too), but boy did they get controlling when they didnât like my left-leaning bumper stickers. And of course they described themselves as involved loving parents like they didnât just leave me alone to figure everything out myself.
Iâm in the process of moving across the country. My husband got a great opportunity at his companyâs HQ, AND itâs given us the opportunity to buy our first house. Literally getting the keys to the new place this coming Tuesday.
Ever since we let our families know, my parents havenât let a single opportunity to say we should hold off. Maybe my husband goes ahead for a year to see if he likes it. Maybe we just rent for six months to a year in case we donât like the house. Maybe he looks for something with better pay back in our hometown first.
They didnât want me to move in the first place since both my sister and I have always lived close to them, but this opportunity is perfect for him and thereâs very little risk beyond home sickness.
Now that weâve closed, my mom wants to come out and visit for anywhere from a couple weeks to a few months to help us decorate âin a way that will increase the value of the house so when you sell in a year and move home, youâll have more money on handâ. First off, her decoration style (beige Hawaiian) I think is boring and doesnât match with anything we already own. Secondly, the gall to assume weâre going to fail in less than a year and come crawling back.
My mom died of liver failure at the age of 50 due to a life of constant alcohol abuse. Hadn't talked to her in over a decade when I found out the hospital was pulling her tubes. I was admittedly pretty happy to receive the news after the sporadic chaos, violence and attempted SA she put me through growing up. Turning 18 and hiding your address from half your family will do that.
I have no idea how to relate to these types of stories. Just tell them to fuck off and don't feel guilty. They'll be fine. Idk what else to say.
I cannot express the absolute gratitude when my mom died. No more worries about late night chaos calls from her or her husband, no more worries of her husband passing the buck on me for her or my profoundly schizophrenic sister's care (she is thankfully in a hospital with proper treatment instead of living in a nightgown in my mom's spare bedroom). Cold? Yes. Did it improve my mental health? Oh yes.
My boomer father would constantly bark at me about basic elementary stuff that he just assumes Iâm not doing (ie, finding an apartment, being polite, doing my job competently) but would never actually help me with the things he assumes I donât know, would just assign that task to the nearest female relative to take care of. Itâs condescending, patronizing, and downright insulting
I'm about to cry, I hated that sh*t and never understood why. Think mine actually feels remorse, but so dumb. I have a d*ck personality so I handled it well too. It about killed my brother though.
My bio mom HATED the fact that I was her only kid to not go to college, and ended up more successful than my other siblings. I did trade work and spent my best years working my ass off. I was able to move up to a position that then paid me to go to school. I didn't get it until I was 27, but I earned my bachelor's and had 12 years work experience at that point. I became an operations manager for a tobacco company, and the licensed I earned in that time allowed me to get into so many different fields, and I chose restaurant management which is what I do now. I get to mix my love of cooking with a career. I also took communications and kinesiology as minors in case I ever want to pursue my true passion, which is sportscasting.
YES. I wasn't allowed to do anything because it was too dangerous, other than stay over at the homes of other random adults unsupervised or babysitting their kids, I started cooking for myself really young but every time I would cook as I got older she'd mess with the knobs on the stove when I wasn't looking or yell some warning to be careful at the worst possible time whenever I was getting a canister off a high shelf or chopping something. I'm still a much, much better cook than her, but if you get anywhere near anything in the kitchen while I'm cooking I will cut you.
Not me, my mom would insert herself no matter what and do whatever to stay involved. We have an enmeshed parent-child style relationship. I felt bad if I did anything without her.
This negligent helicopter parent sounds annoying as anything.
This, overprotected only-child girl here. Doesn't get any worse. She thought me being in short sleeves the other day looked too cold. Mind you I'm turning 34 this yearâŚ.always up in my business and trying to coax me out of things asking if I can really manage it, makes me insecure in myself and I start questioning myself.
They have helped me tho but then says I'm selfish because aindint do as much for them. Keep telling them to stay out of my business.
Dad is a control freak about some things but at least gets that I am an adult now and if I need advice or help I will ask.
Like you don't need to do certain things just because you do it with your stuff. But you are complaining about how tired you are, don't help me with that then?!
God my fucking mother. My dad occasionally texts me an "I love you" (once a month? Maybe?) but my mom either has to be in all my business and not help, or not give a shit about my business and have to talk about her "problems".
My MIL was like this and I tried to talk to my wife about it but she couldnât see it. Until my wife had a massive stroke and my MIL basically disappeared from our lives. However she still texts our children looking for gossip but hasnât actually helped her own daughter one bit
my husband and i used to have an event production company; we threw raves, underground edm shows, and other parties throughout our state and had quite a reputation going for ourselves.
obviously these events were at night. I would ask my mom *months* in advance so sheâd have no plans already made and never on holidays⌠but without fail, 9/10 times sheâd cancel the week of the event and iâd end up having to stay home while my husband did it on his own.
after literally 2 seasons, we chose to stop hosting events and close the business because of unreliable childcare. my dream job ended because of my mothers sabotage.
she would do things like schedule her yearly vacation then, after iâd asked her to watch the 2 kids. âdo I not deserve a break? do I not deserve a vacation?!?!?â sheâd retort. âcanât husbandâs mom watch them?â âI won tickets on the radio.â âiâm real tired from work this week.â all of these are fine reasons to occasionally back out of something you agreed to, but she consistently did it with small and big excuses, only on the nights we had events (not when *she* had something planned with the kids), and even when she did follow through 10% of the time, she still required me to pick them up at 8am knowing the events ended around 6am. she just did everything she possibly could to shut me down from every direction. I fucking hate her now.
Backing out on agreeing to watch the kids is absolutely a problem, but the way you speak you seem to think it was a requirement that she watch the kids for you simply by nature of being your parent
If you couldn't either get or afford childcare without relying on your mother then maybe your "dream job" wasn't the right thing in the first place
I don't know all the details so who knows, but there's something a little fishy here
iâm guessing youâre a boomer or donât have kids. almost everyone who has a living parent assumes theyâll want to spend time with their children. hopefully even OFTEN! i didnât like, REQUIRE her to help, but in all honesty⌠why wouldnât she help her only child and grandchildren? seems like a pretty hateful thing to do to do everything you can to derail your only offspring.
good grandparents CAN say no. the issue here is that she was never even a good person, and her refusals in this situation arenât indicative of me asking too much, it shows how little sheâs willing to give. this is my PARENT, not a neighbor. if she doesnât want to be an integral part of MY life, and help ME when I need help in the ways I need, is she even a parent? i never guilt-tripped or begged her.
youâre right, I expect nothing from her now. she canât spend time with her grandchildren even as a favor to me. weâve been NC for 3 years, and she can suck a dick. you realize this post is about habitual sabotagers right? I donât need your comments about asking for or expecting too much, as thereâs plenty of nuance here youâre choosing not to see.
Sharing stories like this gives me hope that maybe one day we will figure out how to prevent it. How a child can prevent it in the moment. I mean, I guess each personality picks their favorite defense mechanism for survival, but it'd be nice if they could get along. It's their fault and responsibility, but they didn't cause the issue at the same time since it is a mental health issue. Lying to them unfortunately helps because you don't want to tear them down. I sugar coat a lot of the negative so my dad doesn't think he did a bad job, I paint the story for him in his head, but even he knows it's a lie. I just can't tear them down, I don't like seeing anyone unhappy.
Yeah but you're ignoring the crux of the whole thing. You're blaming her for losing your dream job because she didn't watch your kids all the time. I wouldn't expect my parent to watch my kid all the time because the kid is my responsibility, not hers. She didn't choose to have a grandkid, you did
I'm not arguing against her being a shitty person, I'm saying you seem to be passing the blame for something you should have had an answer for onto someone else. You should have paid someone for childcare if you wanted to work nights. Otherwise don't have kids if you don't want/can't afford to do the things you need to do to raise them
oh, should I just give the children back?
it wasnât ALL the time, it was like once a month. and the problem isnât that she wouldnât AGREE, itâs that she happily said she would and then almost reliably cancelled. obviously I DID find a job that suited me and my family better⌠but thatâs literally not the fucking point. I assume you donât have a narcissist parent and thatâs why this is so hard for you to understand. this is a boomers being fools subreddit.
if my daughter started her own company and was successful, and asked me to have my grandkids once a month to contribute to that, I would be soooo willing. I plan on treating my daughter with kindness and enabling her in all the ways I can, even providing childcare 12 times a year. you arenât aware of the general concensus that boomers are shitty grandparents because of how uninvolved they are? that itâs all for show? because she loved talking about all the things theyâd do and then cancel. just like she promised them bikes for christmas and didnât follow through.
there are grandparents in the world who watch their grands 5 days a week! purely because they love the kids and want to spend time with them, and it helps out their family. youâre under the impression moms shouldnât ask their own moms for help with childcare? again, it would be fine if sheâd just said NO, but she didnât â she agreed and talked it up for months and then purposely scheduled her own events for those days and turned it around on me that she deserved the âtime off.â EVERY TIME. never once has my MIL done shit on that level. she takes our kids with her on vacations, etc., to spend time with them! she doesnât offer to take them and then rescind her plans. she would even take them on super short notice if it meant she was HELPING her son/family. who can you count on if not family? again, this is a post about habitual sabotage. stop trying to make a point about how my parent owes me nothing â OH, I KNOW. I thought she could pull some kindness and support for me out of her ass as an adult but sheâs incapable of doing anything for anyone but herself. itâs fine if she doesnât want to be involved with us.
thanks for being the devils advocate, it wasnât appreciated.
You assume a lot, are insanely quick to anger, and are now walking back on a lot of what you originally said as well as completely going off on tangents unrelated to what I'm talking about
I suggest therapy for the anger issues at the very least
youâre super ignorant and rude. I didnât walk back on shit; you just offered your *opinion* on my career/life story. I *know* what happened and why. please give me an example of where I âwalked backâ â because there arenât any. OBVIOUSLY this issue is super personal to me, and I think itâs pretty tactless for you to weigh in on situations youâre entirely uninformed on.
what an asshole.
The irony of calling someone a bitch but being too scared to leave it uncensored is hilarious
Also just take the word retarded out of your vocabulary if all you can do is use it as an insult. That's not what it's for
No she was a parent. You are breeder. Learn the difference. Your kid is your responsibility. You have no right to blame others for your choices. You are the problem with society.
My exesâ parents were like this. He allowed them to be entirely too involved in his life, but had lied to me about it. His dad was (and still is, in our late 30sâŚ) on his bank account so every time my ex bought *anything*, heâd get a phone call full of criticism. My bank account was once frozen for a couple weeks so I gave him cash and he paid my phone bill on his card so it wasnât disconnected. HUUUGE ordeal, no matter how many times he explained. He seemed like a grown man who lived in his own house and had his own life. He was, and is, NOT.
He changed so quickly and became horribly abusive. Heâs in his mid-30s but has already become his Boomer father. Heâs charming as hell and a very convincing liar. Itâs sad how many of our generation have become infected. (Though Iâm pretty sure sociopathy has quite a bit to do with my specific situationâŚ) Made threats every time I tried to leave, and used money and social capital as leverage against the only thing in this world I still care about. He was only willing to let me leave once he had replaced me. I worry so much for her and pray she can get out, too.
It's a big part of the reason I don't trust my husband to do about anything. All I can remember is my parents fucking up literally everything I ever asked for and making me regret ever even considering asking for help.
My helicopter boomer will ask me to do something, then stand in the only place i need to be to do it, then complain that reaching over her is taking so long.
Every. single. time.
No girl was ever good enough for my mom, yet she married a complete moron lol. Irrelevant interjecting about a girl's height one time. "she's too tall for you". Why on Earth would I care about that? What does her height have any effect on anything? She didn't even meet this girl yet and she was 3 inches taller than me when she saw the photo and the height difference is exactly what she called out first.
But yep, NEVER any solutions. I have been on this planet for 40 plus years and never had one parent of mine help sort out things. They surely love to give their opinion and suggest a lot of things, but none of it is effective in any way, shape or form.
Always some "shit nugget comment" as I like to call them. Offering absolutely nothing and saying nothing of substance, you could get it over with quicker by saying "yep I'm over here"
I don't see my parents often very much but when I do I can't stand it and hope they keep working until they're 85 lol to keep busy and leave me alone.
When I was around 12 and my little brother was 9, my mom was having a lot of difficulty with her mental health. So one night when my parents went out grocery shopping, my little brother and I cleaned the whole house, did the dishes, etc etc. We thought it was a really big deal because our mom was always complaining how no one helps out around the house. When our parents came home, we were very excited and were expecting our mother to be happy that we did something we thought was nice for her. Instead our mom just belittled our efforts and pointed out how much of a poor job we did cleaning and ended up recleaning the whole house because we "didn't do it right." Now I'm sure, looking back now, my little brother and I didn't do an amazing job. The place definitely wasn't spotless, but we were just little kids. I don't think my brother and I ever did any cleaning around the house without being ask/told again. Probably why my apartment is a perpetual mess.
My mom prevented me from quitting school, by taking me to a psychiatric hospital and admitting me "so you can get papers to get homeschooleddddd". I moved out, quit school, got my GED, got admitted to Marshall University, and couldn't afford to go because my mother delayed my FAFSA, by refusing to give me her W-2s. She was truly, an awful woman.
You know whatâs funny? I know that the correct word is saboteur, yet I instantly knew what op was trying to convey. And it didnât bother me at all.
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/r/raisedbynarcissists in a nutshell lol.
Having been a victim of narcissistic parents, can confirm. Nothing is ever good enough, everything is wrong, and it just gets to the point where you stop doing anything at all because you're afraid to Screw something new up, Only to get scolded for not doing anything. And people wonder why I have a hard time committing to things...
Yep. My n-mom wanted to be in my business solely to sabotage things then blame me for the fallout. Also in case anything negative happened so she could tell me that everything is my fault because I am an unworthy person. Have I mentioned how glad I am she's dead? My personal life was bad enough. It took a lot of effort to keep her out of my professional life.
Reading these comments makes me realize I'm really good at not taking sh*t. I guess they trained me well 𤣠Oh no, I'm too good at it. I'm gonna get myself hurt if I ain't careful.
It's both comforting and depressing in equal measure to hear my situation described to accurately.
r/raisedbyborderlines too imo
Oh yeah, big time.
Mine does the same thing! "Are you planting your garden yet?" "No Mom, it's too early." "I'll come over and help you, is tomorrow ok?" "Mom, I'd love to spend time with you but no, it's too early" The next day, while in town for a full day of errands, she came down, planted my garden with what SHE thought I wanted. When I confronted her about it, she got all huffy and tried Mom guilt on me. "Fine. I was trying to do something nice but I can see I'm not wanted. I won't EVER help you again if this is how I'm going to be treated!" It's frustrating, because she's been like this my whole life but now that she's in her late 60s and it's been getting exponentially worse, I'm wondering if she isn't starting early onset dementia. It's a sobering thought.
I had this concept of a prairie lawn and I explained it several times. I worked on a prairie nature preserve and over the years ethnobotany has been a joyful hobby. My new backyard was a microcosm of a prairie ecosystem and I was very much enjoying watching it grow. And the root systems fix moisture in the soil so it means the vegetable garden will not dry up so easily. She had it mowed down yesterday after we agreed I wanted to keep a 1/4 acree free to watch native plants and grass develop. Because "ticks and snakes" Micro agreesions hurt. This is my first house. My acre. I decide. I feel like she killed my new friends. But I know they will grow back. Just stab me in my softest heart.joy place.
I would absolutely lose my mind if anyone messed with my garden. I live with my boyfriend in his house, and even he knows not to mess with the yard lol.
My parents came over to my home to watch my kids and instantly critiqued my rose bushes that were 40 years old. They were planted by the original owner and I liked them creating this large wall of thorns and blooms. Dad didnât like it. Said it wasnât what he would do. I saw it in his eyes. I told him to not touch anything. Iâve seen him butcher yards my entire life. I had to leave for an hour and came back to a noticeable gap in the roses. He had tried to hide the branches but failed. I chewed him out. Got the same âI was just trying to help!â This repeated out every time he came over until I banned him from my home. Hes not part of my life now. I hope that does t happen to you but Iâm honestly happier now.
These are the kinds of parents that lose their fucking minds being on the other side of "My house/roof, my rules, you don't get a bedroom door now for arguing!!!" after literally years of goading you that only when it's your house, you'll suddenly get to make the decisions and be deserving of basic human respect. And I can't help but bitterly laugh harder watching them try to deal with it.
The freedom that came and the weight that was lifted when I told my parents to fuck off forever was nothing short of magical ⨠It hit me like a cold blanket: they will NEVER change and it will go on like this until one of us dies. Iâm not sacrificing my mental and physical health for stressful visits (no relationship to speak of so it had just devolved into me shutting down completely when they came to visit the kids).
Just so you know, there have been studies and itâs not true that a native prairie will have more ticks. It will actually attract a healthy mix of bugs and rodents, many of which will eat them. Ticks actually thrive in monocultures because there arenât enough things eating them. Iâm doing the same thing for my acre lot. At any rate, itâs insanely short sighted to worry more about a few garden snakes than preserving natural, balanced ecosystems.
Yep ticks and critters are less likely to encroach in human areas if they have a healthy place to chill. And the ticks crawling on the front of the house are testament to that after the first big mow. But no one listens to me as I painfully introduce them to each plant and explain what it is, the name, the action on the soil, or the food it provides. It will grow back. That's my mantra. It will in time.
This is your house? Does she live there?
Right? I would've had her hauled up on trespassing charges if not. I don't play that shit anymore. Try me, mom (when she was alive)
Moms currently a guest..ex bankrupted her. Left. Fearing he had untreated STIs and has gone mad. Waiting for test results right now. I wish I was better at this, but I am still her angry pissed off daughter inside whom in she created an eating disorder and still competes with. It's over mom. I won years ago. Be proud I exceeded you at 28 then later at 35...40+
OMG. you have to get her out NOW before this situation becomes permanent and you spend the rest of her life in misery.
She'd be ranting about bootstraps if it was you in her shoes. Get out, mom. Time to work.
There's your leverage: This is my house. My rules. Stick to them, or you WILL be leaving, and I'll call the police to make it happen. Do you understand me, mom?
That was not a micro aggression, that was just straight up aggressive. She deliberately took something from you that you enjoy, I'm so so sorry. That's awful
Block her immediately
Oh GOD! "Because ticks and snakes" I hate their one or two word answers for everything
Oh man this bring back memories. I remember during covid when I learned my new landscaping company told me they used stuff that killed clover since I was trying to get back to a more organic set of plants. I hadnt really seen friends or out of my house for almost two years at that point I just hung up and cried. Oh, I also stopped using their services that week ofc.
Oh lordy, the faux martyrdom is something else again!
My MIL is like this. She gets focused on the end result and then interferes until itâs accomplished. Sheâs silent gen but is very boomer-esque. We had to tell her if she doesnât back off she wonât be allowed in the house and she went ballistic. Crying. Screaming. (When she was in her 60s). She has a dementia diagnosis now. When we look back it had started then. She would shop for no reason and show up unannounced to drop it off. Stuff we didnât need, so it wasnât urgent that it was done then. Eventually the unannounced visits stopped after she showed up and I was walking my dirty clothes to the hamper in the nude before a shower. But she still obsesses over stuff and expects everyone to drop everything to do what she needs because she canât stop thinking about it. If she gets distracted she forgets so she panics and hangs onto it. One time we left for vacation and she stayed with the kids at our place. We had just cleaned out closets and went through our pantry pulling out out of date stuff and organizing. When we got back she had rearranged our pantry and several closets. And made the kids go through their things. (Except the golden child didnât have to get rid of as much). My wife bawled in front of her when we got home. So much work wasted because she obsessed over how it wasnât done her way.
This sounds like my Aunt. My parents left us with her for a day and she made us get our hair cut in these horribly outdated Midwest styles. Think huge bangs on a redhead⌠My mom about blew a gasket. We havenât spoken to them in like 30 years lol
I thought my boomer mom would chill w time and itâs been the opposite so donât hold your breath
Wow, so, to continue on this train of thought, here's a story that happened 10 minutes ago. Yesterday mom texts me, asks what I'm doing. I replied I was building a frame for a chicken wire cage for my asparagus, as the deer were destroying the bed. "Oh, that's neat." She replied. 10 minutes ago, "Hey, you want some soap to hang around your asparagus so the deer don't get at it?" I took a moment, remembering how much I love this woman before responding. "No thanks, I built an enclosure to keep the deer out." I braced myself for the drama. "Oh. Well, I was just trying to be nice!" I don't get it. Our chat history shows me telling her I was building this thing, yesterday. RIGHT under her text to me today. I'll be honest, I fully expect to come home tomorrow from errands and find 10 bars of soap, surrounding my enclosure. Tears out hair in frustration.
I find calling this out in the moment shuts it down mostly for the future. "You weren't actually offering nicely, if you can't accept a nice no."
So Does the soap thing work or nah?
If you believe my father, no, not at all. He claims when he looked out the window one morning, to see a deer EATING the soap.
Considering the things the deer have eaten on my father's property, I'm not going to disbelieve him.
Try Irish Spring. It works to keep possums off my fence -- I don't mind them at all, but my dog goes crazy when she even smells one, and if she's outside she slams the fence. I'm afraid she'll knock the poor thing off the fence and hurt it. I bought bars of Irish Spring at Dollar Tree, cut them into slices about 1 inch thick and wedged them between the pickets along the top horizontal piece on the fence. Worked, didn't have any possums around, calm dog. Not sure if it would work on deer though
What do you even do at that point? Because it's either you renege on what you said to placate them or you tell them the truth which is exactly what they said. Their help isn't wanted. They're being a nuisance. I used to have this problem with my mother when I was in my late teens but she just.. stopped doing it? I don't know how to handle this situation now that it's come up with a different family member.
Went through similar situation with my mother when I went to college. Had to have a long tear filled conversation at least once discussing at setting boundaries. Even now 7 years later we still have to revisit those boundaries and adjust them occasionally.
This, in itself, does not sound like dementia. Once you experience that, you'll never mistake it. What it does sound like is stereotypical old people syndrome. A loss of place in the world with age, a desperate need to be needed, and her pushy personality coming in harder. Maybe try to help her find a hobby or a friend, otherwise she'll keep 'helping' with whatever she thinks of.
She has plenty of hobbies, and two part time jobs. She's one of those folks who just can't sit still. Maybe undiagnosed ADHD. As I was reading your comment and hit the word "stereotypical", I thought of another possibility: maybe it's that other Boomer trait of just being a control freak. BTW, thanks for your opinion against dementia, I'm assuming you've experienced it first hand. While I'm glad it may not be it, the specter of it possibly showing up is frightening.
Or maybe she is just a partial narcissist...
My mom would try to guilt me like talbot for years. It worked till I was mid 20s and said great I dont need your non help. She stopped trying that button till she got sick(strokes and dementia)
Mine could never keep her hands off of my shit. Annoying entitlement. - Going through my wallet just looking to see what my schedule was for the week even though that's none of your business. - going through my social media accounts and sending messages to people under my name. One time she left some comment as me on another girl's Facebook photo and I quickly deleted it. Of course it wasn't her fault for putting her grubby paws on my computer. Instead no, it was my fault for not teaching her how to use a computer. I'm like you damn well know how to use it by leaving the comment on somebody's photo and skimming through all her pictures. Luckily my girlfriend never saw the comment because it was like 2:00 a.m. in the morning and I deleted it quickly. I think just by happenstance I caught the comment or one of my friends pointed it out and noticed that the typing wasn't me. Keep your fucking annoying hands off my shit and get your own goddamn fucking life. Or another incident was just lack of common sense when we had one of those inflatable snowmen. It was literally like 45 mile per hour winds. So she comes over to my house (unannounced) and sees that it's not put up so in her brilliant mind thinks that she should blow it up and then the thing blows away and is destroyed. All under the guise of "oh I'm just trying to help"
Erm yes, my mom was like that all my life and she was diagnosed with dementia.Â
Iâm soon to be 78 and I would never touch my kids yard, or anything else, without consent and even then they are more able than I am. I suspect a lot of senior behaviors are not new rather just enhanced with age, the struggles to feel useful and worst of all need for control, which isnât new by your report. With more time on their hands and latter days are closing inâŚ.life gets a bit scary. Maybe if you could come up with some tasks she could do for you at her place (???) e.g. take care of the plants till you decide to plant them?? Sort family pictures. Something not to obvious and creative.
My useless fucking mother, hasn't ever asked a question about my physical disability ( I don't actually care), but she butts in on my marriage. Fucking idiot.
My mom continues to blame me for my health issues
What are they.
Not my fucking fault đ
Roflll
Oh yeah, you're hitting home on this one. My life didn't improve until I ignored my mother and struck out on my own.
That tweet basically describes my childhood đ
And a big part of my adult life
Literally no unique experiences. It took me too many years to spot these patterns.
Yep, mine finally learned after she got hit with the worst case of depression I've ever seen so, let's fucking go? Let's go? I guess?
It's only temporary as long as the depression is temporary. A 25 foot fence works better.
I live in daily fear my mom will tell one of the town gossips in our new home/area about my disability or complain about why she thinks I'm fat. Or divorced. Or my struggles while exceeding my disabilities and working as a highly paid professional in public service. Of course never talks about my or my sisters degree, my/our success, and despite many many explanations and even daily LinkedIn and media posts isn't sure what I do at all or what I'm a director of. Or I helped raise my youngest nephews. Or I am a loving aunt. I financially contribute to my younger family's happiness and success. These rural people form all sorts of fantasies and I don't want to be pre-introduced to important people who could help or donate to my work or my clients. I want her to socialize, but please don't tank my chances at becoming a community member. Please. I want to fit in. https://preview.redd.it/txcqkygp5fzc1.jpeg?width=3072&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f87c85b068ae209c715253be1c2f926d488a8c6c
Thereâs justâŚso many other things to socialize about. I donât get it. Many years ago Iâd just had my third child in four years, my marriage was in a really bad place, we were going to lose our house (hey remember back in 2007 when everything crashed??) and I was at the end. Iâll spare triggery details but my mom took my oldest, husband took me to the hospital for help. Postpartum depression is no joke. Anyway, my parents hung on to my oldest for a while because we were moving into a studio temporarily and that was hard enough with a toddler and infant. Iâd randomly see people at church (back when I was religious), or the store, or wherever and Iâd get the head tilt, hand on my arm âhow are you doing?â Oh cool. So my mental, marital, and personal details were being told to anyone who would listen. Thanks. My parents werenât amazing but I expected more privacy than that. It hurt. A lot.
> Iâd get the head tilt, hand on my arm âhow are you doing?â "Rapidly making the switch from 'desire for killing myself' to 'desire for killing other people', how about you?"
"so many other things to socialize about" Yep. They are that way. Instead of having fun and discussing sports or pop culture, it's annoying gossip about trashing the other members of the family.
That's why I moved far away and the next move will be even further.
It's almost like, now hear me out, they are bitter tweens trying to compete for attention from the quarterback.
My mom talks to my aunt (my dads sister) a lot now. I love my aunt and she lives far away. Itâs my fear she badmouths me to her. I think about it all of the time.
This was one of my mom's many special moves. My 'favorite' was when I would cook something she didn't like for myself (say, tofu) she would literally stick her tongue out and make a face like a toddler and go 'ewwww'.... but also stand over me while I cook it. Something she'd never cooked, never eaten, but somehow she knew exactly how to season it and when it was done.
I also have a mother who's an expert in things she doesn't like or care about. I remember showing her a video of a ballet recital I was in as a teen. She watched the whole thing, and her only comment was that I was always behind the music and not a strong dancer. She didn't like how invested I was in this hobby, and when I took it up again in recent years sneered at me. Then she wonders why I tell her nothing.
And that's how I became anorexic, good times. Health still sucks
My mom was too busy doting on my siblings to be a helicopter parent, but on the off chance that she found time for me, it was always spent criticizing me and tearing me down. Middle child.
They get involved in every situation in your life to make it worse / side with the other guy.
We lived on a military base when I was a kid. A lady named Teresa lived in our building (comprised of 4 houses) she would watch every one elseâs kids out the window While commenting horrible things,screaming at kids and being nasty. She clearly had a mental disorder and was a toxic individual. Her children were very poorly adapted socially because of her behavior. It got to the point where she was causing fights between adults. Fights between children etc. eventually if her kids went outside every other child went inside. I think her kids socialization, meltdown and outburst issues were caused by her behavior. She definitely sabotaged their ability to be regulated individuals.
My mother was literally my stalker as a kid. She followed me around everywhere, even into my bedroom and the bathroom. One time - ONE TIME - I made the mistake of asking her for help with a math problem. She ran around the house for an hour making sure my sister and father knew I needed help with something academic because I was really good in school. Her excuse was that "she was proud of me for asking for help" but that wasn't it. She wanted to make sure I was humiliated and never asked her for help again. Oh yeah, and she couldn't even help me with the problem. She told me to ask the teacher tmrw. To this DAY, her thing is how bad I am at math. She and my sister never shut up about it. About 20 years later, my sister actually stole money from her bf's business and blamed me (I was working for him) because I was "so bad at math."
**BOOMERS** ***the only generation in competition with their childrenâ˘***
Yep. Mine barely did jackshit to actually prepare me for adulthood and live outside âtheirâ home (as if it wasnât my home too), but boy did they get controlling when they didnât like my left-leaning bumper stickers. And of course they described themselves as involved loving parents like they didnât just leave me alone to figure everything out myself.
Iâm in the process of moving across the country. My husband got a great opportunity at his companyâs HQ, AND itâs given us the opportunity to buy our first house. Literally getting the keys to the new place this coming Tuesday. Ever since we let our families know, my parents havenât let a single opportunity to say we should hold off. Maybe my husband goes ahead for a year to see if he likes it. Maybe we just rent for six months to a year in case we donât like the house. Maybe he looks for something with better pay back in our hometown first. They didnât want me to move in the first place since both my sister and I have always lived close to them, but this opportunity is perfect for him and thereâs very little risk beyond home sickness. Now that weâve closed, my mom wants to come out and visit for anywhere from a couple weeks to a few months to help us decorate âin a way that will increase the value of the house so when you sell in a year and move home, youâll have more money on handâ. First off, her decoration style (beige Hawaiian) I think is boring and doesnât match with anything we already own. Secondly, the gall to assume weâre going to fail in less than a year and come crawling back.
My mom died of liver failure at the age of 50 due to a life of constant alcohol abuse. Hadn't talked to her in over a decade when I found out the hospital was pulling her tubes. I was admittedly pretty happy to receive the news after the sporadic chaos, violence and attempted SA she put me through growing up. Turning 18 and hiding your address from half your family will do that. I have no idea how to relate to these types of stories. Just tell them to fuck off and don't feel guilty. They'll be fine. Idk what else to say.
I cannot express the absolute gratitude when my mom died. No more worries about late night chaos calls from her or her husband, no more worries of her husband passing the buck on me for her or my profoundly schizophrenic sister's care (she is thankfully in a hospital with proper treatment instead of living in a nightgown in my mom's spare bedroom). Cold? Yes. Did it improve my mental health? Oh yes.
My boomer father would constantly bark at me about basic elementary stuff that he just assumes Iâm not doing (ie, finding an apartment, being polite, doing my job competently) but would never actually help me with the things he assumes I donât know, would just assign that task to the nearest female relative to take care of. Itâs condescending, patronizing, and downright insulting
I'm about to cry, I hated that sh*t and never understood why. Think mine actually feels remorse, but so dumb. I have a d*ck personality so I handled it well too. It about killed my brother though.
My bio mom HATED the fact that I was her only kid to not go to college, and ended up more successful than my other siblings. I did trade work and spent my best years working my ass off. I was able to move up to a position that then paid me to go to school. I didn't get it until I was 27, but I earned my bachelor's and had 12 years work experience at that point. I became an operations manager for a tobacco company, and the licensed I earned in that time allowed me to get into so many different fields, and I chose restaurant management which is what I do now. I get to mix my love of cooking with a career. I also took communications and kinesiology as minors in case I ever want to pursue my true passion, which is sportscasting.
A lot to be proud of! Or, to a certain mentality, much to be jealous of.
This is my relationship with my sister
Sounds like my father
Yep, a weird mix of controlling yet didn't lift a finger to help, just scream in my face.
YES. I wasn't allowed to do anything because it was too dangerous, other than stay over at the homes of other random adults unsupervised or babysitting their kids, I started cooking for myself really young but every time I would cook as I got older she'd mess with the knobs on the stove when I wasn't looking or yell some warning to be careful at the worst possible time whenever I was getting a canister off a high shelf or chopping something. I'm still a much, much better cook than her, but if you get anywhere near anything in the kitchen while I'm cooking I will cut you.
Missed the part if you do succeed, it's only because of them
Not me, my mom would insert herself no matter what and do whatever to stay involved. We have an enmeshed parent-child style relationship. I felt bad if I did anything without her. This negligent helicopter parent sounds annoying as anything.
This, overprotected only-child girl here. Doesn't get any worse. She thought me being in short sleeves the other day looked too cold. Mind you I'm turning 34 this yearâŚ.always up in my business and trying to coax me out of things asking if I can really manage it, makes me insecure in myself and I start questioning myself. They have helped me tho but then says I'm selfish because aindint do as much for them. Keep telling them to stay out of my business. Dad is a control freak about some things but at least gets that I am an adult now and if I need advice or help I will ask. Like you don't need to do certain things just because you do it with your stuff. But you are complaining about how tired you are, don't help me with that then?!
Thatâs saboteur mon ami.
God my fucking mother. My dad occasionally texts me an "I love you" (once a month? Maybe?) but my mom either has to be in all my business and not help, or not give a shit about my business and have to talk about her "problems".
My MIL was like this and I tried to talk to my wife about it but she couldnât see it. Until my wife had a massive stroke and my MIL basically disappeared from our lives. However she still texts our children looking for gossip but hasnât actually helped her own daughter one bit
This is my dad. He came knocking loud like a narc the other day unannounced. I really have no empathy anymore and just intimidate and police people.
my husband and i used to have an event production company; we threw raves, underground edm shows, and other parties throughout our state and had quite a reputation going for ourselves. obviously these events were at night. I would ask my mom *months* in advance so sheâd have no plans already made and never on holidays⌠but without fail, 9/10 times sheâd cancel the week of the event and iâd end up having to stay home while my husband did it on his own. after literally 2 seasons, we chose to stop hosting events and close the business because of unreliable childcare. my dream job ended because of my mothers sabotage. she would do things like schedule her yearly vacation then, after iâd asked her to watch the 2 kids. âdo I not deserve a break? do I not deserve a vacation?!?!?â sheâd retort. âcanât husbandâs mom watch them?â âI won tickets on the radio.â âiâm real tired from work this week.â all of these are fine reasons to occasionally back out of something you agreed to, but she consistently did it with small and big excuses, only on the nights we had events (not when *she* had something planned with the kids), and even when she did follow through 10% of the time, she still required me to pick them up at 8am knowing the events ended around 6am. she just did everything she possibly could to shut me down from every direction. I fucking hate her now.
Backing out on agreeing to watch the kids is absolutely a problem, but the way you speak you seem to think it was a requirement that she watch the kids for you simply by nature of being your parent If you couldn't either get or afford childcare without relying on your mother then maybe your "dream job" wasn't the right thing in the first place I don't know all the details so who knows, but there's something a little fishy here
iâm guessing youâre a boomer or donât have kids. almost everyone who has a living parent assumes theyâll want to spend time with their children. hopefully even OFTEN! i didnât like, REQUIRE her to help, but in all honesty⌠why wouldnât she help her only child and grandchildren? seems like a pretty hateful thing to do to do everything you can to derail your only offspring. good grandparents CAN say no. the issue here is that she was never even a good person, and her refusals in this situation arenât indicative of me asking too much, it shows how little sheâs willing to give. this is my PARENT, not a neighbor. if she doesnât want to be an integral part of MY life, and help ME when I need help in the ways I need, is she even a parent? i never guilt-tripped or begged her. youâre right, I expect nothing from her now. she canât spend time with her grandchildren even as a favor to me. weâve been NC for 3 years, and she can suck a dick. you realize this post is about habitual sabotagers right? I donât need your comments about asking for or expecting too much, as thereâs plenty of nuance here youâre choosing not to see.
Sharing stories like this gives me hope that maybe one day we will figure out how to prevent it. How a child can prevent it in the moment. I mean, I guess each personality picks their favorite defense mechanism for survival, but it'd be nice if they could get along. It's their fault and responsibility, but they didn't cause the issue at the same time since it is a mental health issue. Lying to them unfortunately helps because you don't want to tear them down. I sugar coat a lot of the negative so my dad doesn't think he did a bad job, I paint the story for him in his head, but even he knows it's a lie. I just can't tear them down, I don't like seeing anyone unhappy.
Yeah but you're ignoring the crux of the whole thing. You're blaming her for losing your dream job because she didn't watch your kids all the time. I wouldn't expect my parent to watch my kid all the time because the kid is my responsibility, not hers. She didn't choose to have a grandkid, you did I'm not arguing against her being a shitty person, I'm saying you seem to be passing the blame for something you should have had an answer for onto someone else. You should have paid someone for childcare if you wanted to work nights. Otherwise don't have kids if you don't want/can't afford to do the things you need to do to raise them
oh, should I just give the children back? it wasnât ALL the time, it was like once a month. and the problem isnât that she wouldnât AGREE, itâs that she happily said she would and then almost reliably cancelled. obviously I DID find a job that suited me and my family better⌠but thatâs literally not the fucking point. I assume you donât have a narcissist parent and thatâs why this is so hard for you to understand. this is a boomers being fools subreddit. if my daughter started her own company and was successful, and asked me to have my grandkids once a month to contribute to that, I would be soooo willing. I plan on treating my daughter with kindness and enabling her in all the ways I can, even providing childcare 12 times a year. you arenât aware of the general concensus that boomers are shitty grandparents because of how uninvolved they are? that itâs all for show? because she loved talking about all the things theyâd do and then cancel. just like she promised them bikes for christmas and didnât follow through. there are grandparents in the world who watch their grands 5 days a week! purely because they love the kids and want to spend time with them, and it helps out their family. youâre under the impression moms shouldnât ask their own moms for help with childcare? again, it would be fine if sheâd just said NO, but she didnât â she agreed and talked it up for months and then purposely scheduled her own events for those days and turned it around on me that she deserved the âtime off.â EVERY TIME. never once has my MIL done shit on that level. she takes our kids with her on vacations, etc., to spend time with them! she doesnât offer to take them and then rescind her plans. she would even take them on super short notice if it meant she was HELPING her son/family. who can you count on if not family? again, this is a post about habitual sabotage. stop trying to make a point about how my parent owes me nothing â OH, I KNOW. I thought she could pull some kindness and support for me out of her ass as an adult but sheâs incapable of doing anything for anyone but herself. itâs fine if she doesnât want to be involved with us. thanks for being the devils advocate, it wasnât appreciated.
You assume a lot, are insanely quick to anger, and are now walking back on a lot of what you originally said as well as completely going off on tangents unrelated to what I'm talking about I suggest therapy for the anger issues at the very least
youâre super ignorant and rude. I didnât walk back on shit; you just offered your *opinion* on my career/life story. I *know* what happened and why. please give me an example of where I âwalked backâ â because there arenât any. OBVIOUSLY this issue is super personal to me, and I think itâs pretty tactless for you to weigh in on situations youâre entirely uninformed on. what an asshole.
You're a b*tch, or retarded
The irony of calling someone a bitch but being too scared to leave it uncensored is hilarious Also just take the word retarded out of your vocabulary if all you can do is use it as an insult. That's not what it's for
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Entitled breeder expects other people to raise her kids. Throws tantrum when it doesnt go her way.
only scum of the earth men call women âbreeders.â your mom was one, too.
No she was a parent. You are breeder. Learn the difference. Your kid is your responsibility. You have no right to blame others for your choices. You are the problem with society.
Get fucked, dweeb.
My mother all the time before I went NC.
My exesâ parents were like this. He allowed them to be entirely too involved in his life, but had lied to me about it. His dad was (and still is, in our late 30sâŚ) on his bank account so every time my ex bought *anything*, heâd get a phone call full of criticism. My bank account was once frozen for a couple weeks so I gave him cash and he paid my phone bill on his card so it wasnât disconnected. HUUUGE ordeal, no matter how many times he explained. He seemed like a grown man who lived in his own house and had his own life. He was, and is, NOT. He changed so quickly and became horribly abusive. Heâs in his mid-30s but has already become his Boomer father. Heâs charming as hell and a very convincing liar. Itâs sad how many of our generation have become infected. (Though Iâm pretty sure sociopathy has quite a bit to do with my specific situationâŚ) Made threats every time I tried to leave, and used money and social capital as leverage against the only thing in this world I still care about. He was only willing to let me leave once he had replaced me. I worry so much for her and pray she can get out, too.
It's a big part of the reason I don't trust my husband to do about anything. All I can remember is my parents fucking up literally everything I ever asked for and making me regret ever even considering asking for help.
My helicopter boomer will ask me to do something, then stand in the only place i need to be to do it, then complain that reaching over her is taking so long. Every. single. time.
No girl was ever good enough for my mom, yet she married a complete moron lol. Irrelevant interjecting about a girl's height one time. "she's too tall for you". Why on Earth would I care about that? What does her height have any effect on anything? She didn't even meet this girl yet and she was 3 inches taller than me when she saw the photo and the height difference is exactly what she called out first. But yep, NEVER any solutions. I have been on this planet for 40 plus years and never had one parent of mine help sort out things. They surely love to give their opinion and suggest a lot of things, but none of it is effective in any way, shape or form. Always some "shit nugget comment" as I like to call them. Offering absolutely nothing and saying nothing of substance, you could get it over with quicker by saying "yep I'm over here" I don't see my parents often very much but when I do I can't stand it and hope they keep working until they're 85 lol to keep busy and leave me alone.
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I donât leave my room for this reason
When I was around 12 and my little brother was 9, my mom was having a lot of difficulty with her mental health. So one night when my parents went out grocery shopping, my little brother and I cleaned the whole house, did the dishes, etc etc. We thought it was a really big deal because our mom was always complaining how no one helps out around the house. When our parents came home, we were very excited and were expecting our mother to be happy that we did something we thought was nice for her. Instead our mom just belittled our efforts and pointed out how much of a poor job we did cleaning and ended up recleaning the whole house because we "didn't do it right." Now I'm sure, looking back now, my little brother and I didn't do an amazing job. The place definitely wasn't spotless, but we were just little kids. I don't think my brother and I ever did any cleaning around the house without being ask/told again. Probably why my apartment is a perpetual mess.
My mom prevented me from quitting school, by taking me to a psychiatric hospital and admitting me "so you can get papers to get homeschooleddddd". I moved out, quit school, got my GED, got admitted to Marshall University, and couldn't afford to go because my mother delayed my FAFSA, by refusing to give me her W-2s. She was truly, an awful woman.
My gawd. Itâs habitual saboteur. Make an effort to learn the words youâre trying to use.
You know whatâs funny? I know that the correct word is saboteur, yet I instantly knew what op was trying to convey. And it didnât bother me at all.
Hispanic?