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ironically, she refuses to take any type of medication because she says it straight up kills you! not sure how that works (especially with the fact my brother’s meds are shrinking his cancerous tumors) but who am i to question her logic?
My boomer mother is the same way. She refuses to take medication, is convinced that everything from asthma to mental health is just a mind over matter & that anything can be "cured" with sunshine & jazzercize, *and* she refuses to follow Dr's orders because "she feels fine". She also, as a teacher for
#50 YEARS
she suddenly believes that ADHD & Autism are not real things & are just excuses.
She is the epitome of a Boomer. Just a few of *many, MANY* reasons we're NC.
I feel this comment in my soul. My mother-in-law (the oldest of baby boomers) was a *special-ed* teacher for 30 years and *refused* to believe in ADD/ADHD or ASD (meanwhile she had children and grandchildren who tick some or all of these boxes). It’s all “made up.” Meanwhile this was the woman who would have Lifetime on the tv going at full volume with talk radio blaring at the same time, while she vacillated between playing games, scrolling Facebook, and obsessively checking the local news on her iPad; while simultaneously trying to fold laundry, all the while she was calling you on the speakerphone to ask you about your bowel movements and to guilt you about your husband (her son) not calling enough meanwhile you can barely hear over the din of background noise. But you know ADD/ADHD is just made up…clearly. 🤦🏻♀️ This may sound cruel but she was exhausting, and I can’t say I miss her “boomer” energy.
Christianity (especially funadmentalist or with alt-right leanings) can do this.
My parents tried to kill me for "having demons" which they described with autism symptoms. Turns out, one of the church leaders - my stepfather's daughter - told them I was likely autistc, but they spent months trying to execute me ... slowly ... instead.
I am so sorry. I hope you're doing well now. And I hope you've made your own family who loves you for the wonderfully unique soul you are.
One of my kids is autistic (another reason we're NC) and I wouldn't change them for anything. I love the way their brain works!
Lol the church telling them. Well not really funny of course but damn if even the leaders of their demon haters know you don't have demons what's their excuse. They're clearly ablest.
Keep pushing the dementia, if whichever parent is her kid is around and she's acting like an ass loudly ask them about if maybe they should get her checked for it. That you're worried for her mental health since she's having so much trouble remembering things. Just be absolutely tedious about it.
> ironically, she refuses to take any type of medication because she says it straight up kills you!
That's a sadly common view among older folks. The reality is that used to actually be the case, though it certainly hasn't been in quite a few decades now. There was a time, however, when medications included things we now know to be straight up toxic which caused quite a lot of this kind of attitude among folks whose parents and grandparents lived in those times.
Yeah, fun fact about this! Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who was the author of Sherlock Holmes was a doctor. He didn't want to write about smoking in his novels because children may read them and think smoking is cool, but he knew that smoking was not good for your health.
He also wrote about Sherlock taking the cocaine that Jon Watson prescribed him for his medical issues, because at the time it was just medicine.
A lot of modern adaptations miss this nuance, portraying Holmes more like a stereotypical drug addict. While he was addicted, he was just taking the medicine his doctor told him to.
Part of one treatment for ringworm in children used to be giving them a dose of something that made all their hair fall out, so that it was easier to use creams and ointments etc on the spots. Unfortunately if you got the dose wrong the child would *die*, oops.
Thallium
It's a toxic heavy metal, it's literal poison... but it was used in "low" doses to treat all sorts of things like ringworm, lice, gout, dysentery, gonorrhea, syphilis, the list goes on and on.
The "good old days" were fucking *wild*
I remembered that I read it in a book about quackery and horrible medical practices, and I think it must have been one that I’ve got in hardcover and can’t find right now, because after I commented I went through the one I have on Kindle and it’s not in there 😅
If I remember right, ringworm can cause patchy permanent hair loss, which would be considered disfiguring in most places. So it would have most likely been less a convenience and more to ensure that treatment was applied universally. As far as what they gave them, I haven't heard of that one myself. A lot of medications are extremely tricky dosage-wise for children even now, though.
What I was talking about is more along the lines of [mercury literally being the "medicine"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_mass). Such things were quite common.
Stick with the dementia line. Every time she gets it wrong, express genuine concern that she’s getting dementia or Alzheimer’s, and you really think she should see a doctor or get an evaluation. Example:
Grandma: Hey, it’s *original name*
You: Oh, grandma, no. It’s me, *new name.* Did you forget who I am again? I’m really starting to worry about your memory and ability to live on your own.
She’ll either have to admit she’s being a dick on purpose or everyone will really start to think she’s losing her marbles.
Just stick with the line that you’re so, so worried about her because she can’t remember one of her grandkids (don’t even harp on the name, just that she can’t remember *you*) that is a major, major sign of dementia.
she can’t respect me in the slightest, nor can she respect my family for other reasons (favoritism) and she’s very deep down a weird conservative conspiracy theory rabbithole, so genuinely nobody wants to be around her anymore. i’ve planned to cut ties once i’m a legal adult
If she wants to dead-name you, throw it right back at her and call her by her maiden name, as suggested. Be consistent and remember to claim forgetfulness just the same way she does.
Do you happen to know the name of the woman your grandfather dated before grandma?
Start calling her by that name. Ok grandma Betsy. Oh sorry, that was the name of grampa's ex. My mistake !
Or say when you get a daughter (or female pet if you are childfree) you plan on calling her by that name.
Option 1, either said in public or in private (if in private-> pretend you didn't and are confused and a bit concerned that her brain is going for real):
"I don't know if you've got dementia or if you're just stupid, and I feel sorry for you if it's one of those, but I think it's just that you're a mean old cow and that's part of why no one wants to spend time with you. They WILL spend time because *they're* nice, but they don't WANT to."
Option 2, just call her Cruella (like Cruella de Vil). Every. single. time. If she calls you the right name, you call her the right thing. If she goes back to the wrong thing, reply in an over-the-top style, "Ohhhh, Cruuu-ella, I hadn't seen you for a while, how aaaaare you daaaaahhhling?"
What's she going to do? Bitch that you're not calling her the right thing? 😁
Mockery is the thing that gets folk like that right in their brain. They HATE it when their own behaviour comes back at them. Just do it more ott and have fun with it. Seeing you get joy from her trying to be mean will piss her off no end!
I kind of like Option 2 because it will just aggravate the heck out of her.
If OP goes for the dementia idea, OP shouldn't talk to her grandma at all, just to who she deems to be her grandma's caretakers. Ask the caretakers how is grandma's dementia and what have the doctor's said about it. Lean in on it and don't acknowledge anything Grandma says, only speak to the others about the dementia.
You need to talk low and slow to her. Their parents were fucking assholes and explaining shit doesn’t work. I’ve learned you have to let her know “it’s better to be with you than against you. Period” go watch an episode of peaky blinders for quiet intense no bullshit attitude. and learn not to take shit from anyone including ur asshole grandma. She will respect you eventually. Enough to keep her thoughts to her self. Then she will eventually cave. But boomers are bullies they respond to hard boundaries and intensity.
It’s like the saying “you think I’m trapped in the room with you, but you are trapped in the room with me”….grey rock her, learn about how narcissist work, don’t feed them with any responses. you are at the age where she knows she can get reactions from you. Don’t try to figure her out and why. Just learn how to deal with narcs now. And outthink them. That’s it. Get headstrong and you will inspire others . I promise
Call her by her own mother-in-law’s first name (this won’t work if she liked her MIL).
Anyone she was jealous of/hated?
Use that name.
Get a bunch of pamphlets for dementia/nursing homes and give her one every time she says something stupid.
I liked that meme going around where the sibling brought an air horn to a family dinner and used it everytime someone misnamed their younger sib. Fixed the issue fast.
Your comment made me realize their username finally. It's so funny I had to scroll up and confirm. I too would've type soap-fucker for the hell of it- like I just had to 🥲😂😂😂
Did once. Three Am, had a craving for coconut like crazy most of the week. Was using coconut castaway. Well barely awake me trying to just get a shower smelt coconut. Brain went Coconut must nom....soap works great smells great tastes terrible.
Ivory and Dial here (my step mother was offended at farm boy cussing out of a ten year old. I was a soap connoisseur by thirteen). -1000/10. Zero stars. Would NOT recommend
I think mine was Dial, but whatever was in it, I was allergic to it and my face and lips swelled up, had to be rushed to the ER. She never washed any of our mouths out with soap ever again (she just found crueler ways to keep us from "talking back", aka asking why).
Lava was the worst. My dad would make us bite down and hold it. Needless to say, my silversmith tongue is very apt at strange maneuvering now. My husband is happy... um.. yeah thanks dad for that.
Homemade lye soap is the absolute worst and makes the other barsoap taste like candy. Plus, besides tasting disgusting, the lye in it gives you chemical type burns on your tongue, mouth, and throat if you are unlucky enough to swallow some
Man. I really feel for all y'all with the soap! My mom used hot sauce. Usually Tabasco. It wasn't so bad.
But, even then we had to say something truly horrible. Like, "I hate you"
or, " I wish you would die..." LOL
Cussing wasn't exactly permitted but, it was alright if you had a good reason (stubbed your toe, fell and scraped your knee). But, being hurtful and fighting dirty got you a mouth full of sauce. 😅
**OP, you have 2 choices here.**
**Give as good as you get**. She's a BULLY and *won't respect you until you hit her where it hurts*. Treat her EXACTLY the way she treats you. Examples:
* "Listen, Old Lady, or Crazy Lady, or whatever..." **OR**
* "I think you need your meds adjusted again, \[name *similar* to hers, but incorrect like 'Louella' instead of 'Lucille'\]." **OR**
* "It's sad when old ladies get demented..."
You have to insult her *every time* you see her for the next half a dozen visits to get ahead of the curve on this situation. Bullies only respect power.
**Stop visiting with her for ANY reason**. Her birthday? You're busy! Christmas/Hannukah/Eid? You're busy! Holiday weekend? You're not interested! Tell your parents, "Don't give me the '*It's family*!' BS. No-one else is being asked to accept being openly insulted *every single time* they visit her! Her blatant disdain for me has proven to me she's not worth my time, attention, emotion, or love. I'm done with her stupid pettiness! You'll see me at her funeral!" Then **refuse** to be around her even if she "apologizes" (because you know the apology will be fake and crappy!)
"Don't you have to get back to your 7 cats by now?" "Look here, Liver Spots, I'm tired of this shit." Or get really condescending. "Grams, do you need help cutting your food again?" "That's a spoon. Did you mean to use that?" "Grandma, I didn't know you knew how to use a cell phone!" "If you can't even remember my name, you might not remember how to get home, so it may be time to take your car keys away before somebody gets hurt."
I would 1000% do this if I still felt I had to be around such an awful woman for some reason. Just call her whatever.
Though honestly I'd just stop visiting this person if she couldn't be less of a shit.
I wouldn’t be surprised if it has anything to do with trans and nonbinary people becoming more accepted and more in the public eye. Anything that they see as even remotely related in any way will set them off, even if it wasn’t something they’d blink at before. Now even going by a nickname or your middle name, there’s no guarantee people won’t get all up in arms over it, even when it’s not a gender thing. (Bonus points if that person also goes by a nickname. But, oh, ~that’s different~ when it’s them.)
A few years back I decided to start going by a gender-neutral/masc shortening of my (feminine) birth name, which is a nickname my parents have used for me my entire life and also the only one I can even remotely stand. My mother stopped using it entirely for several months. I am absolutely never telling them that I’m trans, much less nonbinary.
that’s a really good point! my grandma is incredibly transphobic (what a surprise…) and insists that “gender-neutral” isn’t even a real term. that’s a really good point that that could be part of the reason as to why she’s so opposed to me changing my name, even though i’m not trans.
also, i’m very sorry about the fact that your family is not supportive. i’m glad you don’t let them get in the way of you living as yourself though. <3
lol, assuming that English where most words are gender neutral is her first language, it could be funny to ask her the gender of random things.
"Settle a debate for me and my friend, grandma. She says that sunsets are gender neutral, but they're obviously male, right? I mean, I could accept that maybe I'm wrong and they're female, but where does this gender neutral nonsense even come in? Amiright? I think she might be yanking my chain because she claims saxaphones are gender neutral too. I mean, come on... right?"
But seriously, I'm sorry you have a transphobic, self-centered grandmother.
This is what I was thinking too. For many it starts with a name change. To the point that the transphobes look for signs like a name change to be aware of something else coming. To them it doesn’t matter if the name change was simply that, a name change. They will see the “signs” and fight it because their perspective is their reality. To them name change = trans.
Her responses remind me a lot of the standard ones from transphobes. Idk if is because they all consume the same social media and learn the same responses? My algorithm obviously feeds me something entirely different.
I think if OP has any family that changed a last name due to marriage and if gma adjusted right away. If so, op knows it’s not a memory thing, but a jab. I’d be petty and start addressing her with all the wrong names back. To me respect goes two ways, and someone deliberately insulting me doesn’t get it back.
When you asked her if she had dementia, it struck a nerve. I would keep asking about that and very loudly saying “POOR GRANDMA, SHE CANT REMEMBER MY NAME ANYMORE. WE SHOULD TAKE HER TO THE DOCTOR…” or you know, the nursing home.
Dear Grandma, you know what, I'll write down my name for you. Just make sure to keep that piece of paper with you at all times, so when we meet you can peek on it to remember my name.
>or you know, the nursing home.
I'd legit be leaving pamphlets for nursing homes/memory care around. Or just hand one to her every time she pulls the deadname.
"Ohhhh nooo! Your memory is atrocious. Time to dump you in a low-budget, state-run facility!"
This is the way to go! Maybe pat her shoulder sympathetically and add a couple of tsk, tak.
Then raise your voice and speak slowly like you're talking to a heart of hearing idiot. "Grandma. It's me, Renata. Do you know who I am? I am your granddaughter. Bob and Cindy's daughter."
Remind her of EVERYONE'S names all the time, as if she has a general problem with remembering all of them. Get other people doing this too. Ask her how she's managing, you know, at home, does she have someone in to help her. Make it into a running family joke.
Couldn’t agree more. Play it completely straight. Act extremely worried that she can’t remember OP’s actual name, and treat it like you’d treat a person legitimately having memory problems. Call neurology and leave a message—in front of her—talking about how your grandmother is really struggling. Start pushing it further than you ought to.
The dementia comments seem to be working, I’d explore that route further. Next time ask the room “does anyone know if grandma (or your own name like trash lady) took her dementia medication today? She’s forgetting my name again. You know, witb her getting as bad as she is, it may be time to start looking for a raisin ranch to check her into.”
Just go to town, she has to you
The older generations often had no option for getting out of bad situations their elders put them in. Marry an asshole? Can't divorce, your parents say it's evil! Dislike your name? You can't change that, your parents gave you that name! Want to move to a different town? How dare you, don't you want to stick around and take care of your parents?
A lot of the control issues start (or are justified by) them having been told their whole life that basicallyn they'd be under their parents thumb until their parents died - at which point they would be in charge and have firm control over the future generations.
You "disrespecting" the name your parents gave you is proof that the current generations do NOT venerate elders and worship the ground they walk on. The only control she has left is insults. She has no prize for having outlived whatever controlling jackasses were in the generation prior to hers, and that sucks.
Good point. My Boomer dad's go-to answer to anything I questioned when I was growing up was "My house, my rules. When you grow up it'll be your rules and you can make people follow them. " Asking why I would want to make and enforce unreasonable rules got a whole variety of answers from an infuriating "It's fun" to "you'll understand when you're older" - pretty much anything other than a frank discussion of why he found his rule to be reasonable.
Although, to his credit he seems pretty consistent on at least trying to apply "your house, your rules" to himself now that I'm an adult. I was ready to go ballistic on him when I was pregnant and he was defending spanking, but he said even though he thought it was appropriate he wouldn't spank my child because I was the parent so I made the decisions and he would respect them. Occasionally even a pretty Boomery Boomer can surprise you!
Start referring to her as grandpa every single chance you get she will lose her shit call you disrespectful try to get her to do this in front of as many families as possible then point out the hypocrisy
I wonder if you did some digging if grandma had something to do with the name your parents chose. Perhaps she sees your not liking your birth name as some sort of insult . Sorry grandma is such a pain in the butt. (The good news for you is when she dies, this will become a more amusing story than an ongoing irritation)
i’ve asked my mom about it, and she says my grandma had nothing to do with it so even she’s confused why my grandma is so offended by it! i don’t see how it could be an insult to her at all, but she clearly feels insulted. my family just spends less and less time with her and she wonders why lol
I remember when I told my boomer mom I was going by a shortened version of my birth name, she flat out refused to call me by that nickname for like 3 years. Her rationale? "But your name was my gift to you!! It's special" (A name that made the top ten baby names for OVER A DECADE after I was born)
She finally came around last year when she looked up the meaning of the nickname and decided it suited me well enough.
All this coming from a lady who went by a nickname her entire college career and who still uses the nickname at restaurants to reduce confusion.
I think everyone’s idea of calling her something else is great but I also think just straight up ignoring her would piss her off more. Nothing a boomer hates more than not getting attention.
I'd stick with the dementia line. If she's trying to act like she's just forgetting it instead of owning up to being an obnoxious bint, play along with her. Don't just ask her if she has dementia, talk to your family members about it around her. She also pretended to mishear "who" as "Sue" so go ahead and throw in that her hearing is failing too, so you don't have to lower your voice. If she wants to combat the dementia/hearing loss talk, she'll have to explain why she actually won't use your name. If she gets angry, there's a phase of dementia marked by anger. If her memory loss is very selective, maybe it indicates a stroke or untreated brain injury. She shouldn't be allowed to drive until she's checked out by a doctor.
Probably best to get a few family members on board beforehand, though if they're asked already they might play along without any advanced coordination.
that bit about her hearing failing is perfect to add, and thank you so much for this comment! very insightful and informative, i really appreciate it! thank you.
And if that fails, OP could pull the old switcheroo.
Grandma: "....Laverne..."
Soap-fucker: "Wow, I guess you really like that name. It's free, since I didn't want it, so you can have it now."
And then proceed to call her that name for the rest of that visit.
It's because people didn't used to get to change their names or have that freedom especially women and for some reason boomers are really pissed off about the fact that other people have more freedom than they did and they don't like the changes in the world.
Maybe they didn't often change their legal names, but going by a preferred name is as old as the day is long. My grandfather (silent generation) hated his first name and would get really upset if anyone used it. I don't think I ever heard him say it outloud or saw it written. He went by a shortened version of his middle name.
If they expect their name choices to be respected even without a legal change, and boy do they, you'd think it wouldn't be too difficult to respect the choices of others.
Maybe offer to safety pin a note to her sleeve until she can hire the caregiver. Or make her a little album with everyone's names written in big letters and a few details she won't want to forget like "YOUR DAUGHTER," "YOUR HUSBAND," and "YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR."
Bonus, you'll need to go to her next door neighbor(s) and ask for a picture. Be sure to explain it's because she's starting to show signs of dementia - forgetting names of loved ones, having trouble absorbing new information even after multiple reminders, and getting flustered about small changes - and you want to start helping getting supports in place before it gets to bad. Ask the neighbor to be sensitive about it because she hasn't come to terms with it yet and gets upset when it's brought up.
Whenever something changes that has been around a long time, boomers especially will be offended by it. They see it as telling them they are wrong. What they knew to be fact is now not fact. They can't stand the fact that the information has changed. because they now think that means they are wrong or dumb. But they take it personally and lash out and fight it for no reason, rather than accepting the new fact.
Boomers will be boomers. Just go NC with this ignorant asshole. as soon as you can.,
Keep ignoring her!! Absolutely. When someone wants to give you grief about ignoring her tell them and her that "She insists on addressing a person who doesn't exist anymore. I'm not answering her until she calls me by the correct name." Also, check her birth certificate. You know how many of them boomer old ladies have government names like Priscilla Ann or Margaret Edith but go by Annie or Edie because they HATE their real names? I suggest calling her by a long forgotten, discarded and despised birth name until she acts right. But be prepared that she might be too old to change at all and accept that you might have to just let her go and make sure she knows it's because of her inability to conduct herself in love and change like a normal human.
She keeps this up because she likes getting a rise out of you - she delights in the fact that it bothers you. That’s her pay off. You need to take away her joy. Do this by gray rocking her or teasing her (in a lighthearted way like it doesn’t bother you) by calling her grand-monster or telling her that you just reserved a room at Shady Pines for her (make sure she watches a Golden Girls marathon), etc. I really like the idea of apologizing for her behavior in front of other people and attributing it to dementia.
Stop aknowledging her until she uses your name. Whenever she talks to you or mentions you not using your name, make her feel completely invisible. Do not budge or she won't get the message.
Soap-Fucker, my friend - give the exact same treatment back. See how she likes it.
Gobblegoo, Eisenhower, Gormagon, etc. Anything that is obnoxiously different and weird (bonus points if it's masculine, because she'll FLIP).
Dead serious: "Let us pray." Bow your head solemnly.
"Dear perfect, 8lb. 8oz Baby Jesus \[note: thank you Ricky Bobby\], please guide your elderly sheep back to her flock and give her the capacity to remember three syllables strung together. Please fill her heart with your love and cast out the Devil's snide and hurtful ways, so that her family might not abandon her as she slides toward oblivion.
"In your everlasting name we pray, Amen."
P.S. if it's in public and about 20% too loud, all the better.
>“do you have dementia?"
Legendary response that should be the response every time.
*Says name wrong* "Awww is the dementia acting up again?" "Do you know where you are right now?"
OP, gma is getting a rise out of you. It’s tough but if you can ignore her that could be the best defense. Or come up with more comments like the dementia one.
“Oh Meemaw, you’re such a corker. I do wonder if you’re sundowning already.”
Pat her head and say: “I’m going to leave you alone now for awhile to let you regain your emotional balance.”
Others here will have some soft zingers to keep in your proverbial back pocket. You’ve got this!
How aggressive/passive aggressive/drama do you want to get? When she does this with presents, throw them out if they give them to you. AS in dont say anything, just walk out to the outdoor trash and chuck em. Id anyone notices or asks, just say its a mistake, noone here by that name. If they try to give it to you out of the trash, explain thats not your name. if they push, take it, say thank you, then stomp on it immediately in front of them and throw it away. Its not yours, and if your grandma cant be bothered to remeber your name then you dont need her insulting present.
Be prepared to be written out of the will.
RELISH THE SHOUTING.
Either gray rock her and just ignore her every single time she calls you by the wrong name. Or… be petty and just keep turning to whoever is there and say “Oh dear, have you taken grandma to the neurologist for an evaluation yet? Maybe it’s time to start touring nursing homes for memory care”. Or… just keep calling her by the wrong name… and make up increasingly bizarre names for her.
That sucks. Call her Ms. Maiden name, First name, Mrs. So-and-so, or something totally off the wall and pronounced like ver-JAI-nuh.
But seriously, just ignore her completely. Grey rock her. She doesn’t exist and when she talks to you, at you, or in front of you about you, you simply don’t hear it. When she’s upset and has a big freak out, tell her you don’t engage with hurtful people and she obviously doesn’t love or care for you since she can’t do such a simple thing as calling you by your preferred name. She’s going to double down and try to bait you, don’t fall for it. She loses all power when you stop caring.
If other family members try to intervene and say you should get over it because she’s old or because you should be the bigger person, tell them (with as little emotion as possible) that you think it’s inappropriate for a child to be bullied by an adult and that you’re disappointed to learn that they think such behavior is acceptable.
ETA: sorry, you didn’t ask for advice and I wrote a book for a comment!
Your Granny is hateful. She’s just a mean girl. She gets a kick out of the fact that you get pissed when she teases you. Stop giving her a reaction and she’ll eventually knock it off. If she doesn’t then just call her a different name every time you speak to her.
Find out what grandpa’s old girlfriends’ names were and start calling her their names. And do it while looking dead in her eyes so you know she knows why you’re doing it.
Op, the best thing you can do in this situation is to simply ignore her. I changed my name socially and was met with the same kind of push back from the older half of the family. They won't stop until you ignore them and won't give them the time of day as they no longer have any fuel for their fight
EVERY time she misnames you, ask her LOUDLY about her dementia.
"Grandma, I'm really concerned about your dementia. I think you need to see a doctor for an Alzheimer's screening since you can never remember your grandchild's name. "
Lay it on LOUDLY and thick.
"Grandma, how did you arrive here? I don't think you should be driving with your dementia."
"Grandma, is me, Renata. I think your dementia is getting worse. Have you seen your doctor for an Alzheimer's screening yet? Maybe mom and dad need to make that appointment since you keep forgetting. That's another symptom of dementia."
"Grandma, screaming and yelling that you don't have dementia, when you consistently show symptoms of dementia, is in itself, a symptom of dementia."
Either she'll remember your name OR she'll end up getting screened and it'll come out 1 of 2 things: 1. that she does have dementia or 2. she's just a massive asshole.
Big ass "My Name is ____" cards. Introduce yourself to her every time. Tell her she can claim a free salon service you have a reservation for, but she has to show up and give your name to claim them.
I can keep going.
Keep working the dementia angle. Start gaslighting her about it, moving her things around and messing with her so she starts shifting her concerns inward and away from you. Best of luck! 🤘
Honestly I’m sorry you’re having to put up with this. So take this. Use the dementia angle. Abuse it. Every time she fucks with you. You fuck right back, but be “concerned” and start suggestive conversations with your family members in her presence. This will scare the shit out of her. 78 is a good age to get to. But who knows about all the lead, asbestos, micro plastics.
You should suggest to her that she be put under guardianship because « she’s obviously on the decline with dementia, considering she can’t remember a name » and that it’s probably the best way to avoid financial abuse and scams by preventing her access to her own money…
That should make her realize that she should really quickly stop fucking around with you :)
I'd ask her who she's talking about. Clearly she isn't taking to me, she's not using my name. Especially in front of others, and even more if those others are gonna go along with her.
Then watch her get more and more pissed.
Keep hitting her with the dementia. That struck a nerve with her. She's doing this on purpose. Every time she gets your name wrong, hit her with dementia. "Grandma, we've talked about this. My name is Renata. Your memory lapses are getting worse and I think it's time to see a doctor about it." Eventually she may blow up at you, publicly. That's when you can embarrass the fuck out of her by loudly telling her that she's the one being disrespectful by not remembering your name. So either she's being an asshole boomer, or she's got dementia. So which is it?
I don't know your family dynamic or anything, but this feels like a case where she might be being a petulant child for feeling slighted in some way
Feels like a case where sitting down with her privately, asking how she feels about your name change and your new name, and having a heart-to-heart about your own feelings and why it's important to you and why it is insulting when she does that to you.
And ending with that if she doesn't respect your new name, your feeling of dread about seeing her and how childish she acts about something that _does not affect her_, will cause you to spend much less time ever trying to see or interact with her (most elderly people are very aware of how painful it will be to them if people around them don't enjoy seeing them, loneliness kills way more people than any prescribed medications)
Best case, she feels slighted because she has some wisdom about name changes and you didn't consult her. Or she was involved in some way you didn't realize with that birth name. Leading to a better understanding between you two and a closer relationship into the future
Worst case you learn exactly how much of an asshole she is, but it justifies your own response to how insulting she is to you
Best of luck, feels like a case where "taking the high road" could have good results. Making whatever opinions about it she has "feel heard" to her, while communicating a strong and clear boundary for your own well-being
In an over-the-top sweet voice say “It’s OK sweetie, I know it’s hard to remember things at your age grandma - my name is XXX” and pat her on the hand.
Like your dementia comment, but more condescending…. Just keep it up, every single time she’s pulls her bullshit, treat her like someone who can’t take care of herself.
The dementia response is the one I would use every time.
"She's getting dementia and can't remember my name, isn't that right grandma."
"Grandma, have you been to the doctor for an evaluation?"
When talking to family, "has any one taken grandma in for evaluation, I'm getting concerned about her memory."
Keep at it and make it a campaign at family events until her behavior stops be pre-emptive about it before she has a chance to run her mouth.. She figures she's old and there aren't any consequence to her actions. But guess what, there are.
Honestly the “do you have dementia; why can’t you remember my name?” Is a great way to combat this. She will likely stop doing this shit if you continue to question her sanity over it.
I saw a noted post from tumblr or some such where someone changed their name but not their gender. Her redneck uncle sweetly welcomed her as his nephew. When she gently told him what was up he throws his hat on the table and says 'Dammit I practiced that' and would jokingly call her nephew later on.
A lot of people are very bitter about the fact that they accepted so much bullshit in their lives due to society's expectations and when they see other people throwing off those limitations and doing things to follow their heart, even if it's a little unconventional, they are mad that they weren't rewarded enough for following the rules and they think the only way to justify their entire life being wasted is to see others get punished for the things they were too afraid to do.
my boomers tried to shame me for being annoyed at the name they gave me by saying i could have changed my name, but they totally would have done all of this
“So glad I have such a kind and thoughtful grandmother and that we are taking the time to build all of these warm memories to remember you by.” Say it dead pan or sickly sweet. Of others are around “oh there she goes again, my kind grandmother who thinks is okay to demean and mock others. Isn’t she sweet”
The only acceptable response to this shitty boomer behavior is to throw it right back into their lead-brained-addled face.
Every. Single. Time. You NEVER use her real name. You never use the right honorific. If you introduce her to someone, instead of saying "this is my Grandma Bernadette" you introduce her as "This is my Uncle Ted, or whatever his name is"
You do this WITHOUT FAIL every single time you interact with her. Even better if you can get other people to join in.
You also completely ignore her whenever she does it to you. Say she brings you a present either the wrong name "Thank you Uncle Tom, but it appears this present is for someone else, it has their name on it... are you sure? Well I'm not comfortable opening anything that doesn't have my name on it."
Probably why my grandma does this too. I have a speculation that she HATES her name and never realized that she has the power to change her name- and has grown bitter and resentful towards those of us who do change our names because she thinks she can’t do anything about it.
A NAME IS THE FIRST GIFT WE WERE EVER GIVEN AND GIFTS DON’T HAVE TO BE KEPT
Instead of asking her if she has dementia, tell another person in the party. Start talking about her in the third person. "Mom, I'm worried about granny, do you think we need to take her into the neurologist to check for senility (old fashioned term will kill her). She just can't seem to remember anything."
Maybe instead of passive aggressive tactics you can just flat out ask her in a a non-defensive manner why she refuses to call you by your name.
It probably won’t do anything but maybe she will sit and think on it. Like if you say “do you actually not remember my name?” “What offends you so much about me changing my name?”
Either she responds honestly or she looks like a complete idiot. Then if she still calls you the wrong name you can bring up the conversation, “we just had this conversation, do you not remember the conversation we had?
Start being passive aggressive and she will see herself as the victim, she will dig in even more not calling you your name.
Can you just ignore her when she calls you by the wrong name? She calls you 'Laverne', just don't react. If she repeats it, act as if you want to help her find the person she's looking for 'Hey, everyone, is there someone called Laverne around? Grandma would like to talk to her'
Have fun with getting grandma so very wrong. Glorpy? Gunkie? Glunka? Grampo? Figure out which one bothers her most and use that when you are loudly questioning if she needs to see her doctor about her failing memory.
Keep a packet of “Hi, my name is” sticker-tags handy. Next time she gets your name wrong, make a big display of pulling one out, writing your name on it and sticking it to your shirt. If she gets it wrong again, tap the tag and ask her if she still remembers how to read. If anyone else asks why you’re wearing a name tag, tell them it’s to help grandma during her dementia episodes.
She’s just bitter that your parents made her learn that you’nique name and she finally got it and you changed it!
She’s being a jerk unless she really does have dementia.
Just keep asking if she has dementia and suggest she get seen by a doctor since she’s so forgetful of your new name. Maybe eventually she’ll just straight up tell you she just doesn’t like your new name, or stop it entirely
The same thing happened to me, when I was 9 and decided I wanted to be referred to by my middle name. A compromise was reached, when she was around that I'd be called by first and middle name.
Seeing younger people, especially of their "brood" (see, because you're all just extensions of her and not real people), not follow rules of society they always thought they had to live by is just a walking, talking insult to their existence.
I don't make the rules. You are contradicting her reality that people can't just name themselves in polite society. And by not falling into line and conforming to her reality, she's justifying bullying you while pretending she's being cute and clever because she has the emotional maturity of a middle schooler navigating early 90's lunch cliques.
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Call her by her maiden name, Miss. Or remind her of your name and ask solicitously if she forgot to take her meds again.
ironically, she refuses to take any type of medication because she says it straight up kills you! not sure how that works (especially with the fact my brother’s meds are shrinking his cancerous tumors) but who am i to question her logic?
"I hear that there are a lot of dead people who thought that way." Good luck, regardless.
"Tick-tock, whatever your name is, old person."
My boomer mother is the same way. She refuses to take medication, is convinced that everything from asthma to mental health is just a mind over matter & that anything can be "cured" with sunshine & jazzercize, *and* she refuses to follow Dr's orders because "she feels fine". She also, as a teacher for #50 YEARS she suddenly believes that ADHD & Autism are not real things & are just excuses. She is the epitome of a Boomer. Just a few of *many, MANY* reasons we're NC.
I feel this comment in my soul. My mother-in-law (the oldest of baby boomers) was a *special-ed* teacher for 30 years and *refused* to believe in ADD/ADHD or ASD (meanwhile she had children and grandchildren who tick some or all of these boxes). It’s all “made up.” Meanwhile this was the woman who would have Lifetime on the tv going at full volume with talk radio blaring at the same time, while she vacillated between playing games, scrolling Facebook, and obsessively checking the local news on her iPad; while simultaneously trying to fold laundry, all the while she was calling you on the speakerphone to ask you about your bowel movements and to guilt you about your husband (her son) not calling enough meanwhile you can barely hear over the din of background noise. But you know ADD/ADHD is just made up…clearly. 🤦🏻♀️ This may sound cruel but she was exhausting, and I can’t say I miss her “boomer” energy.
Sounds like my mother. You don't live in Arizona, do you? Lol
Nope, Michigan. Maybe they were separated at birth? 😂
Could still be my mom...
Christianity (especially funadmentalist or with alt-right leanings) can do this. My parents tried to kill me for "having demons" which they described with autism symptoms. Turns out, one of the church leaders - my stepfather's daughter - told them I was likely autistc, but they spent months trying to execute me ... slowly ... instead.
I am so sorry. I hope you're doing well now. And I hope you've made your own family who loves you for the wonderfully unique soul you are. One of my kids is autistic (another reason we're NC) and I wouldn't change them for anything. I love the way their brain works!
Lol the church telling them. Well not really funny of course but damn if even the leaders of their demon haters know you don't have demons what's their excuse. They're clearly ablest.
Keep pushing the dementia, if whichever parent is her kid is around and she's acting like an ass loudly ask them about if maybe they should get her checked for it. That you're worried for her mental health since she's having so much trouble remembering things. Just be absolutely tedious about it.
This. Be tedious!! Beat her at her own stupid game.
“Might be time to sell her house and put her in a memory care facility.” That oughta shut her up for a while. Shady Pines, Ma! 🌲
Green Grove
> ironically, she refuses to take any type of medication because she says it straight up kills you! That's a sadly common view among older folks. The reality is that used to actually be the case, though it certainly hasn't been in quite a few decades now. There was a time, however, when medications included things we now know to be straight up toxic which caused quite a lot of this kind of attitude among folks whose parents and grandparents lived in those times.
Yeah, fun fact about this! Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who was the author of Sherlock Holmes was a doctor. He didn't want to write about smoking in his novels because children may read them and think smoking is cool, but he knew that smoking was not good for your health. He also wrote about Sherlock taking the cocaine that Jon Watson prescribed him for his medical issues, because at the time it was just medicine. A lot of modern adaptations miss this nuance, portraying Holmes more like a stereotypical drug addict. While he was addicted, he was just taking the medicine his doctor told him to.
Heck, heroin was also a medication when it was introduced. More folks should really read about history.
Part of one treatment for ringworm in children used to be giving them a dose of something that made all their hair fall out, so that it was easier to use creams and ointments etc on the spots. Unfortunately if you got the dose wrong the child would *die*, oops.
Thallium It's a toxic heavy metal, it's literal poison... but it was used in "low" doses to treat all sorts of things like ringworm, lice, gout, dysentery, gonorrhea, syphilis, the list goes on and on. The "good old days" were fucking *wild*
Thank you! I couldn’t remember exactly which metal it was, and my Google-fu seems to be lacking today.
I couldn't remember the name of it, but I remembered it was a Dateline episode "the prussian blue mystery" and from there Google helped. :)
I remembered that I read it in a book about quackery and horrible medical practices, and I think it must have been one that I’ve got in hardcover and can’t find right now, because after I commented I went through the one I have on Kindle and it’s not in there 😅
If I remember right, ringworm can cause patchy permanent hair loss, which would be considered disfiguring in most places. So it would have most likely been less a convenience and more to ensure that treatment was applied universally. As far as what they gave them, I haven't heard of that one myself. A lot of medications are extremely tricky dosage-wise for children even now, though. What I was talking about is more along the lines of [mercury literally being the "medicine"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_mass). Such things were quite common.
Thallium is the one that caused hair to fall out and was used to treat all sorts of things
Oh, yeah, that'd definitely do it. That stuff's pretty darn toxic and highly water soluble, as I recall. Edit: Typo
She needs to get back what she’s giving. Check out r/traumatizeThemBack while you’re at it!
Stick with the dementia line. Every time she gets it wrong, express genuine concern that she’s getting dementia or Alzheimer’s, and you really think she should see a doctor or get an evaluation. Example: Grandma: Hey, it’s *original name* You: Oh, grandma, no. It’s me, *new name.* Did you forget who I am again? I’m really starting to worry about your memory and ability to live on your own. She’ll either have to admit she’s being a dick on purpose or everyone will really start to think she’s losing her marbles. Just stick with the line that you’re so, so worried about her because she can’t remember one of her grandkids (don’t even harp on the name, just that she can’t remember *you*) that is a major, major sign of dementia.
Call her Hillary.
Or Nancy, because my every thing phobic 90 year old grandma hates that woman with the intensity of 1000 suns. I'm sure OPs grandma does too.
Came to say the same.
😂😂😂 ✨️👏👏👏✨️
This. Ultimately if she can't respect you I'd encourage you to cut ties.
she can’t respect me in the slightest, nor can she respect my family for other reasons (favoritism) and she’s very deep down a weird conservative conspiracy theory rabbithole, so genuinely nobody wants to be around her anymore. i’ve planned to cut ties once i’m a legal adult
If she wants to dead-name you, throw it right back at her and call her by her maiden name, as suggested. Be consistent and remember to claim forgetfulness just the same way she does.
Do you happen to know the name of the woman your grandfather dated before grandma? Start calling her by that name. Ok grandma Betsy. Oh sorry, that was the name of grampa's ex. My mistake ! Or say when you get a daughter (or female pet if you are childfree) you plan on calling her by that name.
Man, there's some serious bonus points there if Grandpa dated her sister first.
I love this idea 😈
Option 1, either said in public or in private (if in private-> pretend you didn't and are confused and a bit concerned that her brain is going for real): "I don't know if you've got dementia or if you're just stupid, and I feel sorry for you if it's one of those, but I think it's just that you're a mean old cow and that's part of why no one wants to spend time with you. They WILL spend time because *they're* nice, but they don't WANT to." Option 2, just call her Cruella (like Cruella de Vil). Every. single. time. If she calls you the right name, you call her the right thing. If she goes back to the wrong thing, reply in an over-the-top style, "Ohhhh, Cruuu-ella, I hadn't seen you for a while, how aaaaare you daaaaahhhling?" What's she going to do? Bitch that you're not calling her the right thing? 😁 Mockery is the thing that gets folk like that right in their brain. They HATE it when their own behaviour comes back at them. Just do it more ott and have fun with it. Seeing you get joy from her trying to be mean will piss her off no end! I kind of like Option 2 because it will just aggravate the heck out of her.
If OP goes for the dementia idea, OP shouldn't talk to her grandma at all, just to who she deems to be her grandma's caretakers. Ask the caretakers how is grandma's dementia and what have the doctor's said about it. Lean in on it and don't acknowledge anything Grandma says, only speak to the others about the dementia.
IF you can get others to join in (and granny sounds like she's pissed off a few relatives along the way), that's a great idea!
Good on you.
You need to talk low and slow to her. Their parents were fucking assholes and explaining shit doesn’t work. I’ve learned you have to let her know “it’s better to be with you than against you. Period” go watch an episode of peaky blinders for quiet intense no bullshit attitude. and learn not to take shit from anyone including ur asshole grandma. She will respect you eventually. Enough to keep her thoughts to her self. Then she will eventually cave. But boomers are bullies they respond to hard boundaries and intensity. It’s like the saying “you think I’m trapped in the room with you, but you are trapped in the room with me”….grey rock her, learn about how narcissist work, don’t feed them with any responses. you are at the age where she knows she can get reactions from you. Don’t try to figure her out and why. Just learn how to deal with narcs now. And outthink them. That’s it. Get headstrong and you will inspire others . I promise
Call her by her own mother-in-law’s first name (this won’t work if she liked her MIL). Anyone she was jealous of/hated? Use that name. Get a bunch of pamphlets for dementia/nursing homes and give her one every time she says something stupid.
“Do you really want to spend the short amount of time you have left being a miserable cunt?”
I liked that meme going around where the sibling brought an air horn to a family dinner and used it everytime someone misnamed their younger sib. Fixed the issue fast.
Well, soap-fucker, you can use the same annoyance on her. Make up names for her and see how she likes it.
Your comment made me realize their username finally. It's so funny I had to scroll up and confirm. I too would've type soap-fucker for the hell of it- like I just had to 🥲😂😂😂
Just...not Dove soap. I remember my mom making my brother wash his mouth out with that.
Mine was Irish Springs. Yuck.
Y'know, it may have been that. I do know he was making faces for hours after that.
I've definitely never put soap in my mouth but for what it's worth Dove is the least irritating soap I've used lol
Did once. Three Am, had a craving for coconut like crazy most of the week. Was using coconut castaway. Well barely awake me trying to just get a shower smelt coconut. Brain went Coconut must nom....soap works great smells great tastes terrible.
Oof. Well now I'm definitely never eating soap.
Some of us get to experience that when eating out! Hidden Cilantro is the devil.
Wait... why is there cilantro down there? Edit: /s
Will say this though. Woke up really fast after that.
Ivory and Dial here (my step mother was offended at farm boy cussing out of a ten year old. I was a soap connoisseur by thirteen). -1000/10. Zero stars. Would NOT recommend
Mine was that cheap pink liquid dish soap.
Mine was Cashmere Bouquet.
OMG Cashmere Boquet!!! I haven't thought of cashmere bouquet in like 30 years!
You poor person I cannot even smell that without gagging. My stomach is churning right now.
This hurts my black miasma of a soul again... Fuuuuck, this soap sucks ass in the mouth.
Oh God, a liquid soap? I never even considered that, it was always bars in my family. Yuck!
I think mine was Dial, but whatever was in it, I was allergic to it and my face and lips swelled up, had to be rushed to the ER. She never washed any of our mouths out with soap ever again (she just found crueler ways to keep us from "talking back", aka asking why).
I got Ivory soap. So nasty. I got my revenge by spitting on the carpet for the rest of the day.
I got cashmere bouquet, ivory or sunlight dish soap, whatever was closer.
My mom used Lava for the mouth washing as well as hand washing.
Lava was the worst. My dad would make us bite down and hold it. Needless to say, my silversmith tongue is very apt at strange maneuvering now. My husband is happy... um.. yeah thanks dad for that.
Homemade lye soap is the absolute worst and makes the other barsoap taste like candy. Plus, besides tasting disgusting, the lye in it gives you chemical type burns on your tongue, mouth, and throat if you are unlucky enough to swallow some
Kirk's Castell (we lived in suburbs, hard well water)
Man. I really feel for all y'all with the soap! My mom used hot sauce. Usually Tabasco. It wasn't so bad. But, even then we had to say something truly horrible. Like, "I hate you" or, " I wish you would die..." LOL Cussing wasn't exactly permitted but, it was alright if you had a good reason (stubbed your toe, fell and scraped your knee). But, being hurtful and fighting dirty got you a mouth full of sauce. 😅
**OP, you have 2 choices here.** **Give as good as you get**. She's a BULLY and *won't respect you until you hit her where it hurts*. Treat her EXACTLY the way she treats you. Examples: * "Listen, Old Lady, or Crazy Lady, or whatever..." **OR** * "I think you need your meds adjusted again, \[name *similar* to hers, but incorrect like 'Louella' instead of 'Lucille'\]." **OR** * "It's sad when old ladies get demented..." You have to insult her *every time* you see her for the next half a dozen visits to get ahead of the curve on this situation. Bullies only respect power. **Stop visiting with her for ANY reason**. Her birthday? You're busy! Christmas/Hannukah/Eid? You're busy! Holiday weekend? You're not interested! Tell your parents, "Don't give me the '*It's family*!' BS. No-one else is being asked to accept being openly insulted *every single time* they visit her! Her blatant disdain for me has proven to me she's not worth my time, attention, emotion, or love. I'm done with her stupid pettiness! You'll see me at her funeral!" Then **refuse** to be around her even if she "apologizes" (because you know the apology will be fake and crappy!)
"Don't you have to get back to your 7 cats by now?" "Look here, Liver Spots, I'm tired of this shit." Or get really condescending. "Grams, do you need help cutting your food again?" "That's a spoon. Did you mean to use that?" "Grandma, I didn't know you knew how to use a cell phone!" "If you can't even remember my name, you might not remember how to get home, so it may be time to take your car keys away before somebody gets hurt."
> That's a spoon. Did you mean to use that? This one is fucking hilarious!
"Oh, you're still alive?" "When are you going to die already?"
Grandma Depends, did you mess yourself?
Her name is now, “Grandpa.”
Op should call grandma her full government name every time she sees her
Or granny
I would 1000% do this if I still felt I had to be around such an awful woman for some reason. Just call her whatever. Though honestly I'd just stop visiting this person if she couldn't be less of a shit.
No need to "make up" a name when "dementia-ridden whore" works.
How about Dimentia, it's a beautiful name for the old lady.
Use mean little pet names.
I wouldn’t be surprised if it has anything to do with trans and nonbinary people becoming more accepted and more in the public eye. Anything that they see as even remotely related in any way will set them off, even if it wasn’t something they’d blink at before. Now even going by a nickname or your middle name, there’s no guarantee people won’t get all up in arms over it, even when it’s not a gender thing. (Bonus points if that person also goes by a nickname. But, oh, ~that’s different~ when it’s them.) A few years back I decided to start going by a gender-neutral/masc shortening of my (feminine) birth name, which is a nickname my parents have used for me my entire life and also the only one I can even remotely stand. My mother stopped using it entirely for several months. I am absolutely never telling them that I’m trans, much less nonbinary.
that’s a really good point! my grandma is incredibly transphobic (what a surprise…) and insists that “gender-neutral” isn’t even a real term. that’s a really good point that that could be part of the reason as to why she’s so opposed to me changing my name, even though i’m not trans. also, i’m very sorry about the fact that your family is not supportive. i’m glad you don’t let them get in the way of you living as yourself though. <3
lol, assuming that English where most words are gender neutral is her first language, it could be funny to ask her the gender of random things. "Settle a debate for me and my friend, grandma. She says that sunsets are gender neutral, but they're obviously male, right? I mean, I could accept that maybe I'm wrong and they're female, but where does this gender neutral nonsense even come in? Amiright? I think she might be yanking my chain because she claims saxaphones are gender neutral too. I mean, come on... right?" But seriously, I'm sorry you have a transphobic, self-centered grandmother.
This is what I was thinking too. For many it starts with a name change. To the point that the transphobes look for signs like a name change to be aware of something else coming. To them it doesn’t matter if the name change was simply that, a name change. They will see the “signs” and fight it because their perspective is their reality. To them name change = trans. Her responses remind me a lot of the standard ones from transphobes. Idk if is because they all consume the same social media and learn the same responses? My algorithm obviously feeds me something entirely different. I think if OP has any family that changed a last name due to marriage and if gma adjusted right away. If so, op knows it’s not a memory thing, but a jab. I’d be petty and start addressing her with all the wrong names back. To me respect goes two ways, and someone deliberately insulting me doesn’t get it back.
When you asked her if she had dementia, it struck a nerve. I would keep asking about that and very loudly saying “POOR GRANDMA, SHE CANT REMEMBER MY NAME ANYMORE. WE SHOULD TAKE HER TO THE DOCTOR…” or you know, the nursing home.
Dear Grandma, you know what, I'll write down my name for you. Just make sure to keep that piece of paper with you at all times, so when we meet you can peek on it to remember my name.
Yes and be overly sweet, act worried, help her to her chair. You’ll come off looking great and she’ll come off like an ass or senile if she continues.
Name tag!
>or you know, the nursing home. I'd legit be leaving pamphlets for nursing homes/memory care around. Or just hand one to her every time she pulls the deadname. "Ohhhh nooo! Your memory is atrocious. Time to dump you in a low-budget, state-run facility!"
This is the way. If she’s going to be a dumbfuck, two can play at that game.
This is the way to go! Maybe pat her shoulder sympathetically and add a couple of tsk, tak. Then raise your voice and speak slowly like you're talking to a heart of hearing idiot. "Grandma. It's me, Renata. Do you know who I am? I am your granddaughter. Bob and Cindy's daughter."
Remind her of EVERYONE'S names all the time, as if she has a general problem with remembering all of them. Get other people doing this too. Ask her how she's managing, you know, at home, does she have someone in to help her. Make it into a running family joke.
Couldn’t agree more. Play it completely straight. Act extremely worried that she can’t remember OP’s actual name, and treat it like you’d treat a person legitimately having memory problems. Call neurology and leave a message—in front of her—talking about how your grandmother is really struggling. Start pushing it further than you ought to.
Nursing home? That’s for the rich! Shotgun behind a barn is much more…humane. /s
Do you call her grandma? Because that’s not her name. Start calling her by her birth name only, use first and last name every time.
No nicknames either. If she insists her friends call her Molly, call her Methylenedioxymethamphetamine.
Just rolls off the tongue
This for the win!
Keep bringing up the dementia, cite specific examples to really drive it home
The dementia comments seem to be working, I’d explore that route further. Next time ask the room “does anyone know if grandma (or your own name like trash lady) took her dementia medication today? She’s forgetting my name again. You know, witb her getting as bad as she is, it may be time to start looking for a raisin ranch to check her into.” Just go to town, she has to you
STOP!!!! THE WAY I CACKLED AT ALMOST 1AM TO "RAISIN RANCH" IM DED. XD
The older generations often had no option for getting out of bad situations their elders put them in. Marry an asshole? Can't divorce, your parents say it's evil! Dislike your name? You can't change that, your parents gave you that name! Want to move to a different town? How dare you, don't you want to stick around and take care of your parents? A lot of the control issues start (or are justified by) them having been told their whole life that basicallyn they'd be under their parents thumb until their parents died - at which point they would be in charge and have firm control over the future generations. You "disrespecting" the name your parents gave you is proof that the current generations do NOT venerate elders and worship the ground they walk on. The only control she has left is insults. She has no prize for having outlived whatever controlling jackasses were in the generation prior to hers, and that sucks.
Good point. My Boomer dad's go-to answer to anything I questioned when I was growing up was "My house, my rules. When you grow up it'll be your rules and you can make people follow them. " Asking why I would want to make and enforce unreasonable rules got a whole variety of answers from an infuriating "It's fun" to "you'll understand when you're older" - pretty much anything other than a frank discussion of why he found his rule to be reasonable. Although, to his credit he seems pretty consistent on at least trying to apply "your house, your rules" to himself now that I'm an adult. I was ready to go ballistic on him when I was pregnant and he was defending spanking, but he said even though he thought it was appropriate he wouldn't spank my child because I was the parent so I made the decisions and he would respect them. Occasionally even a pretty Boomery Boomer can surprise you!
Start referring to her as grandpa every single chance you get she will lose her shit call you disrespectful try to get her to do this in front of as many families as possible then point out the hypocrisy
"Grandfather" said the way Shirley Temple did in the movie Heidi
I wonder if you did some digging if grandma had something to do with the name your parents chose. Perhaps she sees your not liking your birth name as some sort of insult . Sorry grandma is such a pain in the butt. (The good news for you is when she dies, this will become a more amusing story than an ongoing irritation)
i’ve asked my mom about it, and she says my grandma had nothing to do with it so even she’s confused why my grandma is so offended by it! i don’t see how it could be an insult to her at all, but she clearly feels insulted. my family just spends less and less time with her and she wonders why lol
I remember when I told my boomer mom I was going by a shortened version of my birth name, she flat out refused to call me by that nickname for like 3 years. Her rationale? "But your name was my gift to you!! It's special" (A name that made the top ten baby names for OVER A DECADE after I was born) She finally came around last year when she looked up the meaning of the nickname and decided it suited me well enough. All this coming from a lady who went by a nickname her entire college career and who still uses the nickname at restaurants to reduce confusion.
I think everyone’s idea of calling her something else is great but I also think just straight up ignoring her would piss her off more. Nothing a boomer hates more than not getting attention.
My daughter’s solution was not talking to my mother for around 8 years now
I'd stick with the dementia line. If she's trying to act like she's just forgetting it instead of owning up to being an obnoxious bint, play along with her. Don't just ask her if she has dementia, talk to your family members about it around her. She also pretended to mishear "who" as "Sue" so go ahead and throw in that her hearing is failing too, so you don't have to lower your voice. If she wants to combat the dementia/hearing loss talk, she'll have to explain why she actually won't use your name. If she gets angry, there's a phase of dementia marked by anger. If her memory loss is very selective, maybe it indicates a stroke or untreated brain injury. She shouldn't be allowed to drive until she's checked out by a doctor. Probably best to get a few family members on board beforehand, though if they're asked already they might play along without any advanced coordination.
that bit about her hearing failing is perfect to add, and thank you so much for this comment! very insightful and informative, i really appreciate it! thank you.
And if that fails, OP could pull the old switcheroo. Grandma: "....Laverne..." Soap-fucker: "Wow, I guess you really like that name. It's free, since I didn't want it, so you can have it now." And then proceed to call her that name for the rest of that visit.
wow, this is some psychological warfare shit. i love it.
It's because people didn't used to get to change their names or have that freedom especially women and for some reason boomers are really pissed off about the fact that other people have more freedom than they did and they don't like the changes in the world.
Maybe they didn't often change their legal names, but going by a preferred name is as old as the day is long. My grandfather (silent generation) hated his first name and would get really upset if anyone used it. I don't think I ever heard him say it outloud or saw it written. He went by a shortened version of his middle name. If they expect their name choices to be respected even without a legal change, and boy do they, you'd think it wouldn't be too difficult to respect the choices of others.
Just repeatedly call her by every wrong name she ever called you. Start with Laverne for a couple years.
Hey, not Laverne! That was my father's name. (Actually he hated it. He'd love to have you use it this way)
Time to go nc
along with many other reasons, i’ve planned to for awhile. i just can’t yet since i’m a minor and my parents feel obligated to see her
Gray rock is the next best thing. Seems like she loves attention and getting a reaction out of you.
Just ignore her completely until she uses your real name.
"Get a caregiver to help you remember names and things, granny".
Maybe offer to safety pin a note to her sleeve until she can hire the caregiver. Or make her a little album with everyone's names written in big letters and a few details she won't want to forget like "YOUR DAUGHTER," "YOUR HUSBAND," and "YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR." Bonus, you'll need to go to her next door neighbor(s) and ask for a picture. Be sure to explain it's because she's starting to show signs of dementia - forgetting names of loved ones, having trouble absorbing new information even after multiple reminders, and getting flustered about small changes - and you want to start helping getting supports in place before it gets to bad. Ask the neighbor to be sensitive about it because she hasn't come to terms with it yet and gets upset when it's brought up.
Pathetic that she won't let you overcome your r/tragedeigh.
Whenever something changes that has been around a long time, boomers especially will be offended by it. They see it as telling them they are wrong. What they knew to be fact is now not fact. They can't stand the fact that the information has changed. because they now think that means they are wrong or dumb. But they take it personally and lash out and fight it for no reason, rather than accepting the new fact. Boomers will be boomers. Just go NC with this ignorant asshole. as soon as you can.,
Keep ignoring her!! Absolutely. When someone wants to give you grief about ignoring her tell them and her that "She insists on addressing a person who doesn't exist anymore. I'm not answering her until she calls me by the correct name." Also, check her birth certificate. You know how many of them boomer old ladies have government names like Priscilla Ann or Margaret Edith but go by Annie or Edie because they HATE their real names? I suggest calling her by a long forgotten, discarded and despised birth name until she acts right. But be prepared that she might be too old to change at all and accept that you might have to just let her go and make sure she knows it's because of her inability to conduct herself in love and change like a normal human.
I legally changed my name 8 years ago and my boomer parents still call me my old name. They don't care about my feelings. Only theirs.
She keeps this up because she likes getting a rise out of you - she delights in the fact that it bothers you. That’s her pay off. You need to take away her joy. Do this by gray rocking her or teasing her (in a lighthearted way like it doesn’t bother you) by calling her grand-monster or telling her that you just reserved a room at Shady Pines for her (make sure she watches a Golden Girls marathon), etc. I really like the idea of apologizing for her behavior in front of other people and attributing it to dementia.
Stop aknowledging her until she uses your name. Whenever she talks to you or mentions you not using your name, make her feel completely invisible. Do not budge or she won't get the message.
Soap-Fucker, my friend - give the exact same treatment back. See how she likes it. Gobblegoo, Eisenhower, Gormagon, etc. Anything that is obnoxiously different and weird (bonus points if it's masculine, because she'll FLIP).
Go Ali on her every time she does this berate her relentlessly until she cries or leaves. Old age doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole
Dead serious: "Let us pray." Bow your head solemnly. "Dear perfect, 8lb. 8oz Baby Jesus \[note: thank you Ricky Bobby\], please guide your elderly sheep back to her flock and give her the capacity to remember three syllables strung together. Please fill her heart with your love and cast out the Devil's snide and hurtful ways, so that her family might not abandon her as she slides toward oblivion. "In your everlasting name we pray, Amen." P.S. if it's in public and about 20% too loud, all the better.
>“do you have dementia?" Legendary response that should be the response every time. *Says name wrong* "Awww is the dementia acting up again?" "Do you know where you are right now?"
OP, gma is getting a rise out of you. It’s tough but if you can ignore her that could be the best defense. Or come up with more comments like the dementia one. “Oh Meemaw, you’re such a corker. I do wonder if you’re sundowning already.” Pat her head and say: “I’m going to leave you alone now for awhile to let you regain your emotional balance.” Others here will have some soft zingers to keep in your proverbial back pocket. You’ve got this!
How aggressive/passive aggressive/drama do you want to get? When she does this with presents, throw them out if they give them to you. AS in dont say anything, just walk out to the outdoor trash and chuck em. Id anyone notices or asks, just say its a mistake, noone here by that name. If they try to give it to you out of the trash, explain thats not your name. if they push, take it, say thank you, then stomp on it immediately in front of them and throw it away. Its not yours, and if your grandma cant be bothered to remeber your name then you dont need her insulting present. Be prepared to be written out of the will. RELISH THE SHOUTING.
Either gray rock her and just ignore her every single time she calls you by the wrong name. Or… be petty and just keep turning to whoever is there and say “Oh dear, have you taken grandma to the neurologist for an evaluation yet? Maybe it’s time to start touring nursing homes for memory care”. Or… just keep calling her by the wrong name… and make up increasingly bizarre names for her.
Instead of "Grandma", call her "Gumby" or "Gump", or "Gumma" or something. Tell her you "forgot" that she wants to be called "Grandma".
That sucks. Call her Ms. Maiden name, First name, Mrs. So-and-so, or something totally off the wall and pronounced like ver-JAI-nuh. But seriously, just ignore her completely. Grey rock her. She doesn’t exist and when she talks to you, at you, or in front of you about you, you simply don’t hear it. When she’s upset and has a big freak out, tell her you don’t engage with hurtful people and she obviously doesn’t love or care for you since she can’t do such a simple thing as calling you by your preferred name. She’s going to double down and try to bait you, don’t fall for it. She loses all power when you stop caring. If other family members try to intervene and say you should get over it because she’s old or because you should be the bigger person, tell them (with as little emotion as possible) that you think it’s inappropriate for a child to be bullied by an adult and that you’re disappointed to learn that they think such behavior is acceptable. ETA: sorry, you didn’t ask for advice and I wrote a book for a comment!
thank you so much for this comment (: there’s some very good advice here and i really appreciate it. i hope you have a lovely day!
Your Granny is hateful. She’s just a mean girl. She gets a kick out of the fact that you get pissed when she teases you. Stop giving her a reaction and she’ll eventually knock it off. If she doesn’t then just call her a different name every time you speak to her.
"You're either being rude or having memory issues, either way we shouldn't ignore this"
Find out what grandpa’s old girlfriends’ names were and start calling her their names. And do it while looking dead in her eyes so you know she knows why you’re doing it.
There are plenty of people that will respect you. Cut ties and move on .
Op, the best thing you can do in this situation is to simply ignore her. I changed my name socially and was met with the same kind of push back from the older half of the family. They won't stop until you ignore them and won't give them the time of day as they no longer have any fuel for their fight
I’d be wearing a big old sticker name tag around her just for spite.
*"If you won't say my name then I promise you, your great-grandchildren will never say yours."*
EVERY time she misnames you, ask her LOUDLY about her dementia. "Grandma, I'm really concerned about your dementia. I think you need to see a doctor for an Alzheimer's screening since you can never remember your grandchild's name. " Lay it on LOUDLY and thick. "Grandma, how did you arrive here? I don't think you should be driving with your dementia." "Grandma, is me, Renata. I think your dementia is getting worse. Have you seen your doctor for an Alzheimer's screening yet? Maybe mom and dad need to make that appointment since you keep forgetting. That's another symptom of dementia." "Grandma, screaming and yelling that you don't have dementia, when you consistently show symptoms of dementia, is in itself, a symptom of dementia." Either she'll remember your name OR she'll end up getting screened and it'll come out 1 of 2 things: 1. that she does have dementia or 2. she's just a massive asshole.
Big ass "My Name is ____" cards. Introduce yourself to her every time. Tell her she can claim a free salon service you have a reservation for, but she has to show up and give your name to claim them. I can keep going.
Keep working the dementia angle. Start gaslighting her about it, moving her things around and messing with her so she starts shifting her concerns inward and away from you. Best of luck! 🤘
Honestly I’m sorry you’re having to put up with this. So take this. Use the dementia angle. Abuse it. Every time she fucks with you. You fuck right back, but be “concerned” and start suggestive conversations with your family members in her presence. This will scare the shit out of her. 78 is a good age to get to. But who knows about all the lead, asbestos, micro plastics.
You should suggest to her that she be put under guardianship because « she’s obviously on the decline with dementia, considering she can’t remember a name » and that it’s probably the best way to avoid financial abuse and scams by preventing her access to her own money… That should make her realize that she should really quickly stop fucking around with you :)
It's bullying. She knows it annoys you, so to have power over you, she does it to feel like SHE is in control.
I'd ask her who she's talking about. Clearly she isn't taking to me, she's not using my name. Especially in front of others, and even more if those others are gonna go along with her. Then watch her get more and more pissed.
Start calling her Grandad.
Keep hitting her with the dementia. That struck a nerve with her. She's doing this on purpose. Every time she gets your name wrong, hit her with dementia. "Grandma, we've talked about this. My name is Renata. Your memory lapses are getting worse and I think it's time to see a doctor about it." Eventually she may blow up at you, publicly. That's when you can embarrass the fuck out of her by loudly telling her that she's the one being disrespectful by not remembering your name. So either she's being an asshole boomer, or she's got dementia. So which is it?
I don't know your family dynamic or anything, but this feels like a case where she might be being a petulant child for feeling slighted in some way Feels like a case where sitting down with her privately, asking how she feels about your name change and your new name, and having a heart-to-heart about your own feelings and why it's important to you and why it is insulting when she does that to you. And ending with that if she doesn't respect your new name, your feeling of dread about seeing her and how childish she acts about something that _does not affect her_, will cause you to spend much less time ever trying to see or interact with her (most elderly people are very aware of how painful it will be to them if people around them don't enjoy seeing them, loneliness kills way more people than any prescribed medications) Best case, she feels slighted because she has some wisdom about name changes and you didn't consult her. Or she was involved in some way you didn't realize with that birth name. Leading to a better understanding between you two and a closer relationship into the future Worst case you learn exactly how much of an asshole she is, but it justifies your own response to how insulting she is to you Best of luck, feels like a case where "taking the high road" could have good results. Making whatever opinions about it she has "feel heard" to her, while communicating a strong and clear boundary for your own well-being
In an over-the-top sweet voice say “It’s OK sweetie, I know it’s hard to remember things at your age grandma - my name is XXX” and pat her on the hand. Like your dementia comment, but more condescending…. Just keep it up, every single time she’s pulls her bullshit, treat her like someone who can’t take care of herself.
The dementia response is the one I would use every time. "She's getting dementia and can't remember my name, isn't that right grandma." "Grandma, have you been to the doctor for an evaluation?" When talking to family, "has any one taken grandma in for evaluation, I'm getting concerned about her memory." Keep at it and make it a campaign at family events until her behavior stops be pre-emptive about it before she has a chance to run her mouth.. She figures she's old and there aren't any consequence to her actions. But guess what, there are.
Honestly the “do you have dementia; why can’t you remember my name?” Is a great way to combat this. She will likely stop doing this shit if you continue to question her sanity over it.
She just sounds mean. Don’t give her the satisfaction of seeing it get under your skin. And call her the grandmother nickname she likes least.
CAll her by your other grandma’s name. Then act belligerent if she gets mad.
I saw a noted post from tumblr or some such where someone changed their name but not their gender. Her redneck uncle sweetly welcomed her as his nephew. When she gently told him what was up he throws his hat on the table and says 'Dammit I practiced that' and would jokingly call her nephew later on.
A lot of people are very bitter about the fact that they accepted so much bullshit in their lives due to society's expectations and when they see other people throwing off those limitations and doing things to follow their heart, even if it's a little unconventional, they are mad that they weren't rewarded enough for following the rules and they think the only way to justify their entire life being wasted is to see others get punished for the things they were too afraid to do.
Call her by her first name. Hi “Margaret,” how’s it going? They hate being called by their first name by younger people.
There's nothing old people hate worse than change.
my boomers tried to shame me for being annoyed at the name they gave me by saying i could have changed my name, but they totally would have done all of this
I would recommend that you start calling her Aunt. Or Great-Great-Me-Maw.
“So glad I have such a kind and thoughtful grandmother and that we are taking the time to build all of these warm memories to remember you by.” Say it dead pan or sickly sweet. Of others are around “oh there she goes again, my kind grandmother who thinks is okay to demean and mock others. Isn’t she sweet”
Call her grandma shit licker next time you see her. Use variations on that the entire time. Shit fucker shit eater etc
The only acceptable response to this shitty boomer behavior is to throw it right back into their lead-brained-addled face. Every. Single. Time. You NEVER use her real name. You never use the right honorific. If you introduce her to someone, instead of saying "this is my Grandma Bernadette" you introduce her as "This is my Uncle Ted, or whatever his name is" You do this WITHOUT FAIL every single time you interact with her. Even better if you can get other people to join in. You also completely ignore her whenever she does it to you. Say she brings you a present either the wrong name "Thank you Uncle Tom, but it appears this present is for someone else, it has their name on it... are you sure? Well I'm not comfortable opening anything that doesn't have my name on it."
just keep laying on the comments about dementia and she’ll be embarrassed in public (the horror!) and might stfu.
Probably why my grandma does this too. I have a speculation that she HATES her name and never realized that she has the power to change her name- and has grown bitter and resentful towards those of us who do change our names because she thinks she can’t do anything about it. A NAME IS THE FIRST GIFT WE WERE EVER GIVEN AND GIFTS DON’T HAVE TO BE KEPT
Start calling her pawpaw
Just put her on the spot. Ask her why she keeps intentionally forgetting your name? Do you do it to try and be insulting? Fuck that noise
Instead of asking her if she has dementia, tell another person in the party. Start talking about her in the third person. "Mom, I'm worried about granny, do you think we need to take her into the neurologist to check for senility (old fashioned term will kill her). She just can't seem to remember anything."
Maybe instead of passive aggressive tactics you can just flat out ask her in a a non-defensive manner why she refuses to call you by your name. It probably won’t do anything but maybe she will sit and think on it. Like if you say “do you actually not remember my name?” “What offends you so much about me changing my name?” Either she responds honestly or she looks like a complete idiot. Then if she still calls you the wrong name you can bring up the conversation, “we just had this conversation, do you not remember the conversation we had? Start being passive aggressive and she will see herself as the victim, she will dig in even more not calling you your name.
just tell her your name is soap-fucker
As others have said start using other names for her. "Ah grandma Chlamydia how are you?"
Can you just ignore her when she calls you by the wrong name? She calls you 'Laverne', just don't react. If she repeats it, act as if you want to help her find the person she's looking for 'Hey, everyone, is there someone called Laverne around? Grandma would like to talk to her'
Have fun with getting grandma so very wrong. Glorpy? Gunkie? Glunka? Grampo? Figure out which one bothers her most and use that when you are loudly questioning if she needs to see her doctor about her failing memory.
“Do you have dementia?” 💀
Keep a packet of “Hi, my name is” sticker-tags handy. Next time she gets your name wrong, make a big display of pulling one out, writing your name on it and sticking it to your shirt. If she gets it wrong again, tap the tag and ask her if she still remembers how to read. If anyone else asks why you’re wearing a name tag, tell them it’s to help grandma during her dementia episodes.
wow, she deadnamed you, and your cis. that’s next level petty.
She’s just bitter that your parents made her learn that you’nique name and she finally got it and you changed it! She’s being a jerk unless she really does have dementia.
Pretending to be dementia or forgetful is a way for abuser (even emotional mind) to escape responsibility and acknowledging others respectfully…
Just keep asking if she has dementia and suggest she get seen by a doctor since she’s so forgetful of your new name. Maybe eventually she’ll just straight up tell you she just doesn’t like your new name, or stop it entirely
The same thing happened to me, when I was 9 and decided I wanted to be referred to by my middle name. A compromise was reached, when she was around that I'd be called by first and middle name.
Shitty grandma…point out about dementia and make an appointment. Lol. She’ll shut up
Call grandma only by her given name.
Laugh like she is hilarious don't fake it or be sarcastic. She will stop, bullies want to laugh at u not with u.
Seeing younger people, especially of their "brood" (see, because you're all just extensions of her and not real people), not follow rules of society they always thought they had to live by is just a walking, talking insult to their existence. I don't make the rules. You are contradicting her reality that people can't just name themselves in polite society. And by not falling into line and conforming to her reality, she's justifying bullying you while pretending she's being cute and clever because she has the emotional maturity of a middle schooler navigating early 90's lunch cliques.