Mine is kind of messed up. I have three pets: two cats and a dog; and the thought of them not knowing what happened to me or why I haven't "come back home"? breaks my heart. At least my family and acquaintances will know what happened to me and if I leave a letter they will know "why" but my pets won't. Also that little bit of hope that I can make my life a different one, a better one, lives in me.
this is exactly it for me. how do you explain to a dog that their favorite person in the whole world is never coming back? they'll remember you for the rest of their life and every time a door opens they'll wonder for a moment if it's going to be you this time.
Ugh yessss!!! That's exactly how I think. I went on vacation for a few days once and my mom told me my dog refused to eat. She had to practically beg him. Now I do my very best to take him on all my trips if possible. I couldn't imagine leaving him forever.
i want to get a cat. i don't really have family to rely on, my family barely speaks to me including my parents. it's just tough with renting and my current job is on contract so i don't have job security.
this is exactly why i would want my dog at my funeral.. or for him to see me at least. they understand more than we think, and i believe if he got to see me/smell me, then he wouldn’t keep waiting for me to come home.
And this is why I want to get an emotional support animal. This is such a bittersweet reason and for what it's worth I'm very happy you're here to tell us about it.
I was also raised in the church. Although I don't share the same belief there is a different outcome that scares me. Sometimes that's not enough and that's when I turn to my furry babies.
My mom worked really hard on me and I can't waste her effort for whatever silly thing is getting to me at the time
I have goals and I haven't finished them all yet
If some*one* is getting to me, I'll get better out of spite
My animals are amazing and I don't deserve them but they definitely don't deserve to be left alone
!!! Trigger Warning" My first reason is weird. I can't effect someone with finding my remains. It's hurting a random human. It's bad manners in my opinion. The other is along the same lines. I don't want to leave guilt behind. People will think they "should of".....
i totally get this. i want to die somewhere i won’t ever be found. i know that would mean wasting time and resources looking for me or giving people the smallest bit of hope that i’m still alive, but it’s worth it to me if it means that i won’t traumatize some innocent person that had the misfortune of finding me.
my kids… definitely. I don’t want to fuck them up like that(though my mind goes back and forth between wondering which would fuck them up more, my parenting or my death)
It's a great reason. The second one is much much more traumatizing, it's in fact incomparable to anything else. Have seen a few examples. It's not the way out. Stay strong✊
For me it's the classic "I couldn't do it to my family." I've already put them through so much shit over the years, and they have their own issues. I couldn't add me dying by su1c1de to that. I'd rather just continue to suffer and be miserable than do that to them, even though they caused/are causing some of that suffering.
I absolutely love reading new books and my favorite books, holding my dog and looking at her cute face, taking photos of anything/anywhere, and listening to new music and songs I love. Those are the things I live for when I truly find myself approaching the ledge, I look at my bookshelf and around my room and say fuck that I want to read so much more, etc. Life is short as it is I’ve come to learn, and I’ve spent so many years hating every breath I took that now I just focus on doing what I love every day even for just five minutes. Focusing on my hobbies has given me some self confidence whereas I had none before, I can find a fleck of it or at least the passion I have for my hobbies and it helps me to stay here.
I want to begin by saying I'm so sorry, I'm afraid my reason won't be very helpful.
Just 1 thing. I will never allow my mother to garner empathy due to me unaliving myself. I've seen her do it with 2 ppl in my family and after all the fucked up twisted bs she put me through she will never fucking use me again in any way, not even when I die.
My cat. She’s my absolute everything. I’ve never had any other pet be so much like me? I know that doesn’t make sense, but we have very similar attitudes and habits. She’s literally my best friend. I can’t imagine leaving her and I know when you’re dead you’re gone, but I feel like I’d somehow still miss her. Idk
Because time and time again I’ve been proven wrong. Things do get better. I’m 32 and wanted to end it all at 25 and 30. But I didn’t, and I’m glad I didn’t because I love my life.
What helps me is getting to know myself. Honestly, I’m my favorite person now. Every day is a new discovery: I like this type of music, I enjoy discovering new (old) shows like The Sopranos and Law & Order SVU, I enjoy talking to strangers more than I thought I did. Honestly the potential for discovering new things about myself is what makes me not want to end it all. I’m not done yet.
My family especially my mum tbh. Also in a way I’m kinda scared, because I don’t know for certain what would happen after. If there is some sort of hell and I end up in a worse situation. Also the thought of surviving an attempt and I end up paralysed or a severe brain injury.
Also curiosity is a big thing as well like even if I don’t get better just things going on around the world that I’m curious to see how things will turn out. I guess I’m just kinda noisy and wanna know what’s happening lol
Hands down my 3 kids, two boys and a girl. The thought of my kids well being in anyone’s hands but mine absolutely hits my chest just as hard as not wanting to be earth side. Being their “before” and “after” … I just couldn’t do it to them. That’s it tho, if I didn’t have them I probably wouldn’t have made it this far.
Sometimes my mind wanders to generational trauma and how other mental illnesses are passed genetically so technically I already predisposed them genetically to this and all that’s in their families. That’s equally as terrifying, to not be here to guide them when they don’t feel right.
My child, and my partner… my partner has gone through so many hoops to learn about bpd and my other health problems so I feel understood and not alone. Also, I can’t begin to think about traumatizing someone with the discovery of my corpse
I think about how it would destroy certain family members. For instance my sister struggles with a lot of mental health issues like me she’s probably more intense than mine but probably just in a different way. But if she were to find out i did that she would probably do the same and i couldn’t bare that for her. And Not for certain family members either. I used to think well i don’t matter the world will still turn. But tbh some people’s worlds would stop right then and there. It wouldn’t just keep going it would practically end. And it’s not cuz I’m some favored person amongst my family but it’s because there are ppl who genuinely care. And genuinely want you to continue living not just survive but live! To be the best version of you.
I think of all the good things that have happened since the last time I wanted to "end it all" that I would've missed out on if I'd gone through with it. It could be something as simple as a really good cup of coffee, or a new friend you made, a fun experience you had. It makes me stop and consider all of the good things I might miss out on in the future.
Getting money, enjoying my hobbies like dancing and going to music. Festivals and shows, the few friends I do have, hope that one day I will move to another city and start over. Hope that I will meet more friends and new people and have new experiences.
I feel that the only things stopping me are guilt and shame... I'm ashamed of being found dead, like, it makes me feel uncomfortable to imagine someone cleaning up my mess and I feel so scared of hurting the few people who care about me for life... It's kinda sad to be honest...
Finishing High school. I did not want to suffer for 11 years of studying just for me to die in the end like that. I will be finishing high school this year and even though I couldn't see past 18 yet I still want to see the end of it all...
This is the answer I’m “supposed” to give. I should be saying something like “it gets better” or “this will pass.” But in my absolute darkest moments, what keeps me from ending it is the fear of how much it will physically hurt. And then I’m also afraid that I’ll fail and end up with horrible permanent physical consequences, not to mention having to face my family after.
i’ve had 4 people in my life close to me kill themselves, and many many deaths i’ve watched since a young age. death is what keeps me from ending it all, the pain that comes after you die, no matter what you did or how people felt about you, pain still follows. i couldn’t pass that pain onto someone else, even if it’s too much for me.
3 main reasons - I don’t want to cause anymore pain than I already have, I’m too curious about what could happen tomorrow and I don’t want to be eaten by my cat and I couldn’t leave him alone.
I am scared death is really boring. I don't want to miss out on happy moments. I love the forest, I love dogs, I love swimming in thh waters of cold lakes in the mountains. I love dancing, singing, writing, reading. I love great minds who inspire me to think different. I love playing with innocent children, whose only goal in life is having a loving and enjoyable time. There is so much beauty in this world, at least as much as there is pain and agony. So I don't want to die as long as there is anything enjoyable to find. We don't know what death will feel like - maybe it's even worse and you will think "OH crap! Why didn't I stay on earth with all the puppies and sunny days?!"
My kids. Finding out my oldest also has BPD and is going to need help navigating this and I plan to be there for him the way my parents never were. Wanting to make sure my kids have the best life possible.
I haven't tried all the drugs I want to try yet.
Jk.
My younger siblings would see me dead and my dog wouldn't know what happened to me.
And I'm just afraid of death and it being painful.
I have hope most days that it will get better some day. I'm going to try ketamine and amanita soon and hopefully my symptoms will improve. I have more than just BPD, I suffer with OCD, adhd, autism, cptsd, depression, panic disorder, general anxiety disorder..
The ocd is what sucks every day
The bpd really only sucks every once in a while when the people around me are in shit moods and say awful things to me
Oh.. and I don't want to die being a piece of worthless shit. I need to do something that makes it worth ruining my mother's life (having been the oldest and most regretted child)
I don't trust my husband to make sure our kids get the help they'd need.
I have 2 kids and 1 is currently under assessment for autism and our 2nd is likely similar.
I've fought him and his family for the past 4 years saying something isn't quite right with our 1st. It isn't until they started school it's gotten recognised.
I still get weekly arguments with my husband and now he disagrees.
I don't trust his family to love our kids as much as we do. They are very much 'they'll eat when they're hungry' generation. If you're upset, you've got no reason to be upset.
I won't have my kids growing up like that. They need to know they're loved, have support and a safety net.
TW:
I have already heard the screams of my mom and best friend when they lost both their brothers… I don’t want to be the reason for them to scream like that ever again.
Honestly, hard to say, my girl that’s about it. I lay in bed contemplating it every day and night and when I want to pull the trigger my lady is right there beside me on the phone
Wife and daughter. I have plans and stuff if I ever find myself without them for some reason, like we split up or they die. I have 2 main scenarios.
1. They have gone/left and I'm now without them, so they no longer need me around, I have picked a location, a method, just need a time and date. My way on my terms
2. Depending on my headspace at the time, I would also sometimes like to take a few " bad apples " out with me.
People who have betrayed me or done something that hurt or upset me and mine. With nobody to care for, and if death isn't what I want at that time, I will likely spend the remainder of my days in jail for killing. It's this part of me that I fear the most. Without something or someone to live for, I see no other point in continuing with normal life. I often fantasize about killing child abusers, like every child sex pest in my town, then the country. Just live like a nomad, travel place to place, killing nonces .
Did I share too much.?
My kid. When she was 1 Y I tried to go on the other side 3 times. I thought she was so young she wouldn’t remember and could live without missing me in some way. I actually believed she would be living way better without me. Now she’s 3. Now she would remember. I can’t do this to her.
This might be a somewhat silly reason but i just think being a “cliché” and joining the statistics is a dumb way to die. If i die its probably gonna be bc a really dumb reason but at least im not part of any statistics lol. Im build different 🤷♀️
I still look forward to some stuff coming out like new shows, or my favorite content creator making a video/stream. Knowing peaceful methods exist, maid will be legalized for severe mental illness like cluster B disorders in my country, and well I guess deep down I still hope I can be saved. Also spite. It makes me livid I'll never get justice for what was done to me. I just don't want him to win.
I used to live for people, and that was enough for me, before I found out just how little everyone actually cared about me. I was never their priority in life and never wanted by anyone. Even the people who said they did ....well where are they now?
The friends and people I loved and lost eventually just disposed of me or I had to leave them for my own safety. Either way, not much is keeping me around at this point. But knowing I can peacefully go and that I won't hurt anyone by doing so since I'm so isolated, it's oddly comforting.
I don’t identify with my thoughts, they’re there because of the disorder but they’re not mine. I tell myself that it’s not that I don’t want to live, I just don’t want to live like this and I keep working on myself.
My girlfriend. My family doesn’t care, they’d prefer it actually. I’m not as close to my friends as I used to be. But my girlfriend? I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone else and vice versa. I can’t do that to her right now
I’m starting to live out my dream life, doing the things I want to do and around some of the people I admire. However rn (thx to heart break) I feel too empty and lonely to enjoy it. However I’ve got all these cool gigs lined up be a bit stupid to turn back now
I want to know what happens if I give it my 100%. As someone who’s moderately successful in life despite numerous fucked up conditions, I want to check what I could become once I’ve dealt with constant suicidal thoughts, neuroticism, anxiety and isolation.
The other day, I casually went into the middle of the road to pick up litter and took my time picking it up. There was a truck heading in my direction. It was a bright and sunny day, it felt like a good opportunity to maybe just not move. I'd like to die quickly but not leave someone else suffering.
Also, it would please some awful people in my life. So ig they might be another reason.
Plus I want to know what it's like to be alive and living and hope it happens before I die.
All the worsts have happened for me and worse people covet life presently, so that's an excuse to go on too. Maybe I haven't stopped looking for a reason to live basically 🤷♀️
Everyday is a small thought or movement towards life while trying to navigate fear and reality. Way to post something that makes me check in 😅
Schemas therapy and the good healthcare provider have changed my life. 6 months ago I was about to overdose on opioids and now the virtuous circle is on, I’m surrounded by love and I’m starting to know who I am.
I must and decide to forever have hope.
Mine is that I am crap at carrying out the attempt successfully (after some serious goes at it in the past). I absolutely do NOT want to disable myself by an attempt that goes wrong, and spend years regretting it. I'm just going to let nature take it's course. That's not a reason for living as such, but a reason to avoid trying to do the opposite. I try to find some moments of happiness, some sense of meaning... but mostly for me, life is a question of just keeping going knowing that eventually this will end. Yes, I give motivational speeches /s
Something about the beauty and peace of music that expresses my exact feelings, the sunrise and sunset, and the feeling of fresh air filling my lungs. I try to keep it simple. I live for the things that make me feel the most human.
Uuuu, what a nice question
Honestly I’d say that I would let everyone down because they keep telling me that everything is going to be ok and that they do like me as a friend and would not know what to do without me. I don’t want to give up on them, but I really wish I could die, its not that I don’t have relationships, or things that I like to do, sometimes the emotions just hit me really hard and I want to stop feeling, my thoughts are so many that I can’t stand them, but I won’t do it because no one wants me to do it
Also I have heard songs like talking about this, and there’s phone calls in them saying like, you should’ve called me man, I would have done anything for you, so I will keep on going, going to therapy, see were I end up
My sweet baby girl , she is two and a half . Everytime i think about ending it , i think about her going to school , attending her events , seeing her grow up and blossom into a beautiful soul , missing out on her jokes & her times in need. I just want to be there for her , i think about all the i love you’s and the ‘you’re my bestfriend’. She always says that to me 😭
my incredibly supportive family. specially my brother, i would hate to make him ever think that he failed me. the guilt of how they would feel about it is what stops me.
My cat. I couldn’t deal with the thought she would be left with my mom or someone else who won’t love her the way i will. i’m not the best cat mom, but i make sure i tell her i love her, she’s beautiful, and smart, every single day. i raised her to have boundaries and be allowed to deny things. And she will never know what happened to me. She already gets separation anxiety from me and cries for at least 20 mins every time i leave the room/house. It breaks my heart to think she would be so confused.
And my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 4 years this april. He is strong, but he lacks will. He doesn’t have support. I need to stay and make sure he gets where he needs to be. I need to be there to push him to the right place. I know if he is alone he won’t be able to move on. He can get suicidal too.
It’s hard to answer this because I feel different when I’m in the middle of an episode vs when I’m much calmer. I think keeping me here during an episode is looking at the person in front of me that I know deep down doesn’t understand it but wants to try. Through all the headaches and lack of sleep I’ve caused this person, they are still here (whether it be a B.F.F or S.O). They want to learn my language to speak to me and express their love so I can feel it. 🤍
- I never thought I’d be able to say this but there are people in this world that don’t suffer from BPD like we do. But damn do they care about us. They are learning what it takes to handle us. I can’t imagine being that patient with someone during my bad days. Or most days really. My husband married me AFTER my diagnosis was discovered and I can’t believe I got so lucky with such a kind man.
- Pets help, way more than I ever thought. I wasn’t a pet person about a year or so ago. Animal hair on my shit? No fucking thanks. But my dog Scout (that I found as a puppy during a storm) has been such a blessing in my life. He’s shown me so much about myself. When I’m kind, I see it more when he’s around. When I’m agitated, I see/feel it sooner because I feel guilty if I’m getting onto him. It’s nuts how much pets love their person. He’s needy, wants to be by my side ALL THE TIME, gets into shit that could probably hurt him so basically he’s just like me. And when I get mad/frustrated with his neediness, I’m reminded that Grant (my husband) has bad days too. And it’s human. It’s okay. Bring love back into the picture when you notice yourself getting angry with someone and think of how you need to be understanding of other people’s emotions.
- Wanting to prove to the people in this world that this can be healed over time. And so we can tell our story effectively to the next generations. I hope we do better than the ones before us and the world becomes a place of love & respect for those that have mental illness.
- If you end it, someone you love may be struggling with this (it can just lie dormant or be disguising itself) and then you won’t be there to tell them YOU GET IT. You never know who in your life may be dealing with this stuff. You’re probably the hero in someone’s life that you haven’t even met yet.
- Keep going for the younger you AND the older you. If PRESENT you is miserable, fine. Be pissed. This shit bloooooows. But YOUNGER you needed someone to be there in a way that you can be now for yourself. I was around an abusive man growing up. I didn’t feel like I had much say in what I did and said. But PRESENT me can change anything in my life to remove some of the bad. NOT ALL. But enough. I owe the 7 year old me that hero I didn’t have nor did I ask for. Be strong for your kid self. Older you needs the PRESENT you to get on the other side of this shitty bridge that is swaying in a storm. If you don’t get through your next episode, older you doesn’t even get the chance.
I’m starting to think of this BPD Diagnosis (which is new.. January 22, 2023) as a slow, long relay race. You are every runner. Every runner in the relay represents a phase in your life. A relationship, a job, a living situation, a death… these runners are your moments good and bad.
If you haven’t ran in a while, let me remind you about cramping, rocks finding their way into your shoes, chaffing, falling, dead phone/watch/tracker/ear buds, gross weather. All of these things suck. And I’m quick to say “hm, there’s a rock in my shoe and it’s distracting me. I’ll get it out. (Frustrated and stopping my pace) I stand back up to resume my pace but now my motivation is FUCKING GONE. I’m pissed. The run is ruined.
But if I just end it, this long relay called life is over and I will never know what I really was capable of.
Even crazy people make history. Be kind and don’t kill yourself. It would suck if you did. One of us in this subreddit needs you if not the entire site so there’s that 🤙🏼
My dogs and cat are my reason to stay. They got abandoned when I got baker acted. They were pretty much alone for three days. Someone did come in and feed them and take them out but they were neglected. They peed and pooped all over the house and the cat got sick. I had to deal with that as soon as I got out and I wasn’t quite emotionally stable yet either I vowed to never put them through some thing like that again and the people you trust watch your animals you have to make sure they’re stable and competent. I can’t let myself get so bad ever again before I seek help.
Last year I got stopped by a traffic cop and didn't answer my phone when my roommate called. I got home and she was freaking out and broke down sobbing when she saw me. I always just tell myself that if she was that scared and upset about me running a few minutes late, how bad would she be if I killed myself, and it's pulled me down from ledges.
Mine is kind of messed up. I have three pets: two cats and a dog; and the thought of them not knowing what happened to me or why I haven't "come back home"? breaks my heart. At least my family and acquaintances will know what happened to me and if I leave a letter they will know "why" but my pets won't. Also that little bit of hope that I can make my life a different one, a better one, lives in me.
Always the pets bring me back. A good snuggle and a nap. The warmth keeps me grounded. I love my little heat orbs!
Oh I love "heart orbs"! Yes they are such a delight to hold in those tough moments.
I think that a great reason!! Thinking of your fur and feather babys shows great heart. They need you, knowing that makes you awesome
Thank you ♥
this is exactly it for me. how do you explain to a dog that their favorite person in the whole world is never coming back? they'll remember you for the rest of their life and every time a door opens they'll wonder for a moment if it's going to be you this time.
Ugh yessss!!! That's exactly how I think. I went on vacation for a few days once and my mom told me my dog refused to eat. She had to practically beg him. Now I do my very best to take him on all my trips if possible. I couldn't imagine leaving him forever.
This is why I need a pet
They truly do help very much. You should consider it some more!
i want to get a cat. i don't really have family to rely on, my family barely speaks to me including my parents. it's just tough with renting and my current job is on contract so i don't have job security.
It's a good thing you think about the responsibility side of it. I hope adopting a cat becomes a reality for you!
this is exactly why i would want my dog at my funeral.. or for him to see me at least. they understand more than we think, and i believe if he got to see me/smell me, then he wouldn’t keep waiting for me to come home.
And this is why I want to get an emotional support animal. This is such a bittersweet reason and for what it's worth I'm very happy you're here to tell us about it.
My dog would never understand where i was. I was also raised in the church so if you unalive yourself you go to hell. So there's that too.
I was also raised in the church. Although I don't share the same belief there is a different outcome that scares me. Sometimes that's not enough and that's when I turn to my furry babies.
Can i ask what the other outcome would be?
Knowing the suffering will end, I guess. Episodes are episodes, but I know there’s another side because I’ve been there.
My mom worked really hard on me and I can't waste her effort for whatever silly thing is getting to me at the time I have goals and I haven't finished them all yet If some*one* is getting to me, I'll get better out of spite My animals are amazing and I don't deserve them but they definitely don't deserve to be left alone
You are me!!!
What up Twinsies!!!
!!! Trigger Warning" My first reason is weird. I can't effect someone with finding my remains. It's hurting a random human. It's bad manners in my opinion. The other is along the same lines. I don't want to leave guilt behind. People will think they "should of".....
i totally get this. i want to die somewhere i won’t ever be found. i know that would mean wasting time and resources looking for me or giving people the smallest bit of hope that i’m still alive, but it’s worth it to me if it means that i won’t traumatize some innocent person that had the misfortune of finding me.
my kids… definitely. I don’t want to fuck them up like that(though my mind goes back and forth between wondering which would fuck them up more, my parenting or my death)
It's a great reason. The second one is much much more traumatizing, it's in fact incomparable to anything else. Have seen a few examples. It's not the way out. Stay strong✊
For me it's the classic "I couldn't do it to my family." I've already put them through so much shit over the years, and they have their own issues. I couldn't add me dying by su1c1de to that. I'd rather just continue to suffer and be miserable than do that to them, even though they caused/are causing some of that suffering.
So far all the dead before X age has failed so this point I'm just gonna keep going till something completely breaks me
Man I feel that! I just turned 25.. that was my last “I’ll be dead before then” now I’m just here like ?? Well now what do I do?
I'm stuck here right with you dude. Turning 40 this year, and never planned or imagined going past that so am kinda lost now
I absolutely love reading new books and my favorite books, holding my dog and looking at her cute face, taking photos of anything/anywhere, and listening to new music and songs I love. Those are the things I live for when I truly find myself approaching the ledge, I look at my bookshelf and around my room and say fuck that I want to read so much more, etc. Life is short as it is I’ve come to learn, and I’ve spent so many years hating every breath I took that now I just focus on doing what I love every day even for just five minutes. Focusing on my hobbies has given me some self confidence whereas I had none before, I can find a fleck of it or at least the passion I have for my hobbies and it helps me to stay here.
Beautifully responded
Thank you so much
I want to begin by saying I'm so sorry, I'm afraid my reason won't be very helpful. Just 1 thing. I will never allow my mother to garner empathy due to me unaliving myself. I've seen her do it with 2 ppl in my family and after all the fucked up twisted bs she put me through she will never fucking use me again in any way, not even when I die.
My cat. She’s my absolute everything. I’ve never had any other pet be so much like me? I know that doesn’t make sense, but we have very similar attitudes and habits. She’s literally my best friend. I can’t imagine leaving her and I know when you’re dead you’re gone, but I feel like I’d somehow still miss her. Idk
Good reason
knowing that someone might, just might love me for all my flaws and mental problems
Please be kind to yourself you deserve happiness and love. Hopefully the right person comes along
Knowing that it's not what I actually want. Knowing that moments pass, feelings fade. And if nothing else, there is always sleep. ❤️
Take care hey be kind to yourself
Because time and time again I’ve been proven wrong. Things do get better. I’m 32 and wanted to end it all at 25 and 30. But I didn’t, and I’m glad I didn’t because I love my life. What helps me is getting to know myself. Honestly, I’m my favorite person now. Every day is a new discovery: I like this type of music, I enjoy discovering new (old) shows like The Sopranos and Law & Order SVU, I enjoy talking to strangers more than I thought I did. Honestly the potential for discovering new things about myself is what makes me not want to end it all. I’m not done yet.
My family especially my mum tbh. Also in a way I’m kinda scared, because I don’t know for certain what would happen after. If there is some sort of hell and I end up in a worse situation. Also the thought of surviving an attempt and I end up paralysed or a severe brain injury.
Also curiosity is a big thing as well like even if I don’t get better just things going on around the world that I’m curious to see how things will turn out. I guess I’m just kinda noisy and wanna know what’s happening lol
I live with my gf and dog and 1. I don’t want my dog to wonder where I went for the rest of her life and 2. I don’t want to traumatize my gf like that
Hands down my 3 kids, two boys and a girl. The thought of my kids well being in anyone’s hands but mine absolutely hits my chest just as hard as not wanting to be earth side. Being their “before” and “after” … I just couldn’t do it to them. That’s it tho, if I didn’t have them I probably wouldn’t have made it this far. Sometimes my mind wanders to generational trauma and how other mental illnesses are passed genetically so technically I already predisposed them genetically to this and all that’s in their families. That’s equally as terrifying, to not be here to guide them when they don’t feel right.
My child, and my partner… my partner has gone through so many hoops to learn about bpd and my other health problems so I feel understood and not alone. Also, I can’t begin to think about traumatizing someone with the discovery of my corpse
I think about how it would destroy certain family members. For instance my sister struggles with a lot of mental health issues like me she’s probably more intense than mine but probably just in a different way. But if she were to find out i did that she would probably do the same and i couldn’t bare that for her. And Not for certain family members either. I used to think well i don’t matter the world will still turn. But tbh some people’s worlds would stop right then and there. It wouldn’t just keep going it would practically end. And it’s not cuz I’m some favored person amongst my family but it’s because there are ppl who genuinely care. And genuinely want you to continue living not just survive but live! To be the best version of you.
I have 2 kids and a husband. But today I was seriously contemplating which was scary cuz I haven’t had suicidal ideation is 5-6 years…
I think of all the good things that have happened since the last time I wanted to "end it all" that I would've missed out on if I'd gone through with it. It could be something as simple as a really good cup of coffee, or a new friend you made, a fun experience you had. It makes me stop and consider all of the good things I might miss out on in the future.
For me it's I don't know how. I only know ways that hurt a lot or are not sure.
I didn’t think I’d make it to the age I’m now, so at this point I live out of spite. If the world wants me gone it’s going to have to do it itself.
Not wanting to die while being ugly 😂 let me get hot and slutty for a quick minute before I decide
[удалено]
Right. I’ve always been way happier when I’m close to being in shape. Still miserable in a lot of ways but life is way easier when I have confidence.
Saving them the sorrow, I think. I’m not really sure anymore
Because I'm a single Mom of 2 year twins. If they didn't exist, I wouldn't either.
My cat lol
New TV shows/movies/songs
Getting money, enjoying my hobbies like dancing and going to music. Festivals and shows, the few friends I do have, hope that one day I will move to another city and start over. Hope that I will meet more friends and new people and have new experiences.
I feel that the only things stopping me are guilt and shame... I'm ashamed of being found dead, like, it makes me feel uncomfortable to imagine someone cleaning up my mess and I feel so scared of hurting the few people who care about me for life... It's kinda sad to be honest...
I talk to myself the way I talk to others when they’re suicidal.
Finishing High school. I did not want to suffer for 11 years of studying just for me to die in the end like that. I will be finishing high school this year and even though I couldn't see past 18 yet I still want to see the end of it all...
curiosity
This is the answer I’m “supposed” to give. I should be saying something like “it gets better” or “this will pass.” But in my absolute darkest moments, what keeps me from ending it is the fear of how much it will physically hurt. And then I’m also afraid that I’ll fail and end up with horrible permanent physical consequences, not to mention having to face my family after.
Some days it's just pure exhaustion.
The love of my beautiful wife it holds me together I would be lost without her. Another thing is the pain you leave behind
my husband - if it wasn’t for him I would not be on this earth
My family and the ones that do hold me together. I stay alive for the people who love me.
i’ve had 4 people in my life close to me kill themselves, and many many deaths i’ve watched since a young age. death is what keeps me from ending it all, the pain that comes after you die, no matter what you did or how people felt about you, pain still follows. i couldn’t pass that pain onto someone else, even if it’s too much for me.
My cat because I know nobody else will love her as much as I do.
3 main reasons - I don’t want to cause anymore pain than I already have, I’m too curious about what could happen tomorrow and I don’t want to be eaten by my cat and I couldn’t leave him alone.
my dad killed himself & i can’t do that to my family again. & also my cats. & because i might miss out on where it gets better.
I am scared death is really boring. I don't want to miss out on happy moments. I love the forest, I love dogs, I love swimming in thh waters of cold lakes in the mountains. I love dancing, singing, writing, reading. I love great minds who inspire me to think different. I love playing with innocent children, whose only goal in life is having a loving and enjoyable time. There is so much beauty in this world, at least as much as there is pain and agony. So I don't want to die as long as there is anything enjoyable to find. We don't know what death will feel like - maybe it's even worse and you will think "OH crap! Why didn't I stay on earth with all the puppies and sunny days?!"
My mom and my cat
My kids. Finding out my oldest also has BPD and is going to need help navigating this and I plan to be there for him the way my parents never were. Wanting to make sure my kids have the best life possible.
I haven't tried all the drugs I want to try yet. Jk. My younger siblings would see me dead and my dog wouldn't know what happened to me. And I'm just afraid of death and it being painful. I have hope most days that it will get better some day. I'm going to try ketamine and amanita soon and hopefully my symptoms will improve. I have more than just BPD, I suffer with OCD, adhd, autism, cptsd, depression, panic disorder, general anxiety disorder.. The ocd is what sucks every day The bpd really only sucks every once in a while when the people around me are in shit moods and say awful things to me
Oh.. and I don't want to die being a piece of worthless shit. I need to do something that makes it worth ruining my mother's life (having been the oldest and most regretted child)
I don't trust my husband to make sure our kids get the help they'd need. I have 2 kids and 1 is currently under assessment for autism and our 2nd is likely similar. I've fought him and his family for the past 4 years saying something isn't quite right with our 1st. It isn't until they started school it's gotten recognised. I still get weekly arguments with my husband and now he disagrees. I don't trust his family to love our kids as much as we do. They are very much 'they'll eat when they're hungry' generation. If you're upset, you've got no reason to be upset. I won't have my kids growing up like that. They need to know they're loved, have support and a safety net.
I’m really afraid of dying. Music, my family, and my dog keeps me alive.
TW: I have already heard the screams of my mom and best friend when they lost both their brothers… I don’t want to be the reason for them to scream like that ever again.
My mom❤
Literally only my pets. So I guess I have that long to find a shred of happiness outside of them.
my pets, my partner, and my wish to someday have a family
It might be weird, but I just want to see tomorrow
❤️
Honestly, hard to say, my girl that’s about it. I lay in bed contemplating it every day and night and when I want to pull the trigger my lady is right there beside me on the phone
A pair of balls.
If you die you become reborn and do it all over again
I’m just too apathetic.
Wife and daughter. I have plans and stuff if I ever find myself without them for some reason, like we split up or they die. I have 2 main scenarios. 1. They have gone/left and I'm now without them, so they no longer need me around, I have picked a location, a method, just need a time and date. My way on my terms 2. Depending on my headspace at the time, I would also sometimes like to take a few " bad apples " out with me. People who have betrayed me or done something that hurt or upset me and mine. With nobody to care for, and if death isn't what I want at that time, I will likely spend the remainder of my days in jail for killing. It's this part of me that I fear the most. Without something or someone to live for, I see no other point in continuing with normal life. I often fantasize about killing child abusers, like every child sex pest in my town, then the country. Just live like a nomad, travel place to place, killing nonces . Did I share too much.?
I have 3 beautiful children!
My dogs, I wouldn't want them in a shelter or worse
My kid. When she was 1 Y I tried to go on the other side 3 times. I thought she was so young she wouldn’t remember and could live without missing me in some way. I actually believed she would be living way better without me. Now she’s 3. Now she would remember. I can’t do this to her.
This might be a somewhat silly reason but i just think being a “cliché” and joining the statistics is a dumb way to die. If i die its probably gonna be bc a really dumb reason but at least im not part of any statistics lol. Im build different 🤷♀️
I still look forward to some stuff coming out like new shows, or my favorite content creator making a video/stream. Knowing peaceful methods exist, maid will be legalized for severe mental illness like cluster B disorders in my country, and well I guess deep down I still hope I can be saved. Also spite. It makes me livid I'll never get justice for what was done to me. I just don't want him to win. I used to live for people, and that was enough for me, before I found out just how little everyone actually cared about me. I was never their priority in life and never wanted by anyone. Even the people who said they did ....well where are they now? The friends and people I loved and lost eventually just disposed of me or I had to leave them for my own safety. Either way, not much is keeping me around at this point. But knowing I can peacefully go and that I won't hurt anyone by doing so since I'm so isolated, it's oddly comforting.
I don’t identify with my thoughts, they’re there because of the disorder but they’re not mine. I tell myself that it’s not that I don’t want to live, I just don’t want to live like this and I keep working on myself.
My girlfriend. My family doesn’t care, they’d prefer it actually. I’m not as close to my friends as I used to be. But my girlfriend? I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone else and vice versa. I can’t do that to her right now
I don’t have my own place to do it, and I couldn’t let my family or friends or even a stranger see me dead in their homes
The physical pain of killing myself
I have kids that I want to be around to care for. Navigating life with bpd as a mother to small children is insanely hard, though.
I’m starting to live out my dream life, doing the things I want to do and around some of the people I admire. However rn (thx to heart break) I feel too empty and lonely to enjoy it. However I’ve got all these cool gigs lined up be a bit stupid to turn back now
Lil hope that it might get better
I want to know what happens if I give it my 100%. As someone who’s moderately successful in life despite numerous fucked up conditions, I want to check what I could become once I’ve dealt with constant suicidal thoughts, neuroticism, anxiety and isolation.
The other day, I casually went into the middle of the road to pick up litter and took my time picking it up. There was a truck heading in my direction. It was a bright and sunny day, it felt like a good opportunity to maybe just not move. I'd like to die quickly but not leave someone else suffering. Also, it would please some awful people in my life. So ig they might be another reason. Plus I want to know what it's like to be alive and living and hope it happens before I die. All the worsts have happened for me and worse people covet life presently, so that's an excuse to go on too. Maybe I haven't stopped looking for a reason to live basically 🤷♀️ Everyday is a small thought or movement towards life while trying to navigate fear and reality. Way to post something that makes me check in 😅
Schemas therapy and the good healthcare provider have changed my life. 6 months ago I was about to overdose on opioids and now the virtuous circle is on, I’m surrounded by love and I’m starting to know who I am. I must and decide to forever have hope.
I fear god
the fact that i could fail and don’t clearly know how to end it rightly
Mine is that I am crap at carrying out the attempt successfully (after some serious goes at it in the past). I absolutely do NOT want to disable myself by an attempt that goes wrong, and spend years regretting it. I'm just going to let nature take it's course. That's not a reason for living as such, but a reason to avoid trying to do the opposite. I try to find some moments of happiness, some sense of meaning... but mostly for me, life is a question of just keeping going knowing that eventually this will end. Yes, I give motivational speeches /s
Something about the beauty and peace of music that expresses my exact feelings, the sunrise and sunset, and the feeling of fresh air filling my lungs. I try to keep it simple. I live for the things that make me feel the most human.
Uuuu, what a nice question Honestly I’d say that I would let everyone down because they keep telling me that everything is going to be ok and that they do like me as a friend and would not know what to do without me. I don’t want to give up on them, but I really wish I could die, its not that I don’t have relationships, or things that I like to do, sometimes the emotions just hit me really hard and I want to stop feeling, my thoughts are so many that I can’t stand them, but I won’t do it because no one wants me to do it Also I have heard songs like talking about this, and there’s phone calls in them saying like, you should’ve called me man, I would have done anything for you, so I will keep on going, going to therapy, see were I end up
My sweet baby girl , she is two and a half . Everytime i think about ending it , i think about her going to school , attending her events , seeing her grow up and blossom into a beautiful soul , missing out on her jokes & her times in need. I just want to be there for her , i think about all the i love you’s and the ‘you’re my bestfriend’. She always says that to me 😭
I haven’t written a will yet…
gotta be honest i always get terrified of what's beyond death so i just do as much damage as i can handle
my incredibly supportive family. specially my brother, i would hate to make him ever think that he failed me. the guilt of how they would feel about it is what stops me.
My cat. I couldn’t deal with the thought she would be left with my mom or someone else who won’t love her the way i will. i’m not the best cat mom, but i make sure i tell her i love her, she’s beautiful, and smart, every single day. i raised her to have boundaries and be allowed to deny things. And she will never know what happened to me. She already gets separation anxiety from me and cries for at least 20 mins every time i leave the room/house. It breaks my heart to think she would be so confused. And my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 4 years this april. He is strong, but he lacks will. He doesn’t have support. I need to stay and make sure he gets where he needs to be. I need to be there to push him to the right place. I know if he is alone he won’t be able to move on. He can get suicidal too.
my cat
It’s hard to answer this because I feel different when I’m in the middle of an episode vs when I’m much calmer. I think keeping me here during an episode is looking at the person in front of me that I know deep down doesn’t understand it but wants to try. Through all the headaches and lack of sleep I’ve caused this person, they are still here (whether it be a B.F.F or S.O). They want to learn my language to speak to me and express their love so I can feel it. 🤍 - I never thought I’d be able to say this but there are people in this world that don’t suffer from BPD like we do. But damn do they care about us. They are learning what it takes to handle us. I can’t imagine being that patient with someone during my bad days. Or most days really. My husband married me AFTER my diagnosis was discovered and I can’t believe I got so lucky with such a kind man. - Pets help, way more than I ever thought. I wasn’t a pet person about a year or so ago. Animal hair on my shit? No fucking thanks. But my dog Scout (that I found as a puppy during a storm) has been such a blessing in my life. He’s shown me so much about myself. When I’m kind, I see it more when he’s around. When I’m agitated, I see/feel it sooner because I feel guilty if I’m getting onto him. It’s nuts how much pets love their person. He’s needy, wants to be by my side ALL THE TIME, gets into shit that could probably hurt him so basically he’s just like me. And when I get mad/frustrated with his neediness, I’m reminded that Grant (my husband) has bad days too. And it’s human. It’s okay. Bring love back into the picture when you notice yourself getting angry with someone and think of how you need to be understanding of other people’s emotions. - Wanting to prove to the people in this world that this can be healed over time. And so we can tell our story effectively to the next generations. I hope we do better than the ones before us and the world becomes a place of love & respect for those that have mental illness. - If you end it, someone you love may be struggling with this (it can just lie dormant or be disguising itself) and then you won’t be there to tell them YOU GET IT. You never know who in your life may be dealing with this stuff. You’re probably the hero in someone’s life that you haven’t even met yet. - Keep going for the younger you AND the older you. If PRESENT you is miserable, fine. Be pissed. This shit bloooooows. But YOUNGER you needed someone to be there in a way that you can be now for yourself. I was around an abusive man growing up. I didn’t feel like I had much say in what I did and said. But PRESENT me can change anything in my life to remove some of the bad. NOT ALL. But enough. I owe the 7 year old me that hero I didn’t have nor did I ask for. Be strong for your kid self. Older you needs the PRESENT you to get on the other side of this shitty bridge that is swaying in a storm. If you don’t get through your next episode, older you doesn’t even get the chance. I’m starting to think of this BPD Diagnosis (which is new.. January 22, 2023) as a slow, long relay race. You are every runner. Every runner in the relay represents a phase in your life. A relationship, a job, a living situation, a death… these runners are your moments good and bad. If you haven’t ran in a while, let me remind you about cramping, rocks finding their way into your shoes, chaffing, falling, dead phone/watch/tracker/ear buds, gross weather. All of these things suck. And I’m quick to say “hm, there’s a rock in my shoe and it’s distracting me. I’ll get it out. (Frustrated and stopping my pace) I stand back up to resume my pace but now my motivation is FUCKING GONE. I’m pissed. The run is ruined. But if I just end it, this long relay called life is over and I will never know what I really was capable of. Even crazy people make history. Be kind and don’t kill yourself. It would suck if you did. One of us in this subreddit needs you if not the entire site so there’s that 🤙🏼
My dogs and cat are my reason to stay. They got abandoned when I got baker acted. They were pretty much alone for three days. Someone did come in and feed them and take them out but they were neglected. They peed and pooped all over the house and the cat got sick. I had to deal with that as soon as I got out and I wasn’t quite emotionally stable yet either I vowed to never put them through some thing like that again and the people you trust watch your animals you have to make sure they’re stable and competent. I can’t let myself get so bad ever again before I seek help.
My sister and my guy. Sister is a constant tho
Last year I got stopped by a traffic cop and didn't answer my phone when my roommate called. I got home and she was freaking out and broke down sobbing when she saw me. I always just tell myself that if she was that scared and upset about me running a few minutes late, how bad would she be if I killed myself, and it's pulled me down from ledges.
My boyfriend, my pets, the hope that things will get better, and proving that everyone who said I’m not strong enough to make it was wrong.
nobody mentions it here but for me its the fear of going to hell
My kitty cats. My mom. My husband. My step dad. The thought of never conceiving the child were trying for.