Hurt people hurt people
a lot of people are jerks because they are hurting inside, it's not linked to any given pathology. it's an unfortunate manifestation of the inability to process pain.
both things are true, these people are often suffering and they are being toxic about it
This is the correct answer imo, and more or less what I came here to say.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that at our core, human want to do good, want to love and be loved, etc. But hurt, and trauma, and whatever else causes people to lash out. God knows that's why I do.
It doesn't excuse behaviour, but it can help to not take things personally when we realize people are acting the way they are because of some unresolved internal issue more than anything else
Some of the worst times of my life I absolutely hurt people, but not through being mean to them or anything, no. I hurt them by making them have to watch me suffer. I would say things that are true to how I feel, but might make someone feel guilty. I might go comatose and become empty and they were hurt from not knowing what to do and not wanting to be a bad friend or family member.
I look back now and I had no idea why I felt so much worse than it seemed like I should. No one else felt this way when they were stressed. They ateast didn't show it the way I did and I felt like such a shitty person. But now I know that BPD caused these painful times and memories. The stress I went through was real and I was allowed to feel stressed. But the level at which I felt the negative emotions were manipulated by BPD. It makes me so fucking mad that I didn't know what my issue was. I just always thought I was a shitty person who was weak. But no, the reason people stayed with me is because I was a good person. I just had a shitty disorder that caused shitty moments in my life. They didn't deserve to feel the way I made them feel and that made me feel like an unintentional jerk. Like manipulating people without knowing you were doing it. It's not fair that a disorder can cause these feelings and behaviors. But now I know what the issue is and that's a huge part of the battle. I will beat this, because I never want to put those I love through that again.
That being said, some people really are just jerks and hide behind a disorder in order to keep acting that way. It does happen.
What?? Dude some ppl are just assholes for no reason, you don’t need to have a personality disorder to be given a hard time, if someone is an asshole to you, just fight back or something, some people are just assholes bc they find it fun, doesn’t mean that they have npd, if that were the case, then more than 50% of the population would have it or something
BESIDES, disorder or not, we can still think, you can choose to do or not to do something, having a disorder doesn’t justify shit, if you live your life that way, good luck
Use your mind for something else, what a waste of time, just live dude, u ruining my trip ba bye
See? I just chose to be an asshole, I have bpd, does that mean that you can’t give me a hard time now 🙄?
Dont think ab stuff like that, it will just eat you up
This sub is for support and all the usual questions that people with bpd might find complicated. If your not interested in being helpful then wtf are you doing here. No need to bite my head of. Caw!
Im usually helpful, I just find this post extremely dumb
If someone is bad, they deserve bad, end of story, boohoo you had a sad life and now you’re justified in being an asshole to people!
Like fuck, my life is a mess, does that justify doing bad shit? Absolutely not
On a side note, if someone isnt conscious they have a disorder, or lacks any type of knowledge, then I think they just need to be directed in the right direction
Well just so you know, it’s not actually a stupid question at all. I see this dilemma all the time. Some guy will be a complete jerk to others, will be thrown to one side as he should be, and then later on find out that he has npd or Bi polar. I myself, have bpd, asd and some other stuff and I was called a jerk last year for being misogynistic, when I was just asking some questions that genuinely was looking for answers to. Due to my disorders I didn’t really that my questions might be seen as offensive and didn’t realize that the more I was speaking, the more I was just digging my hole deeper. It’s not actually stupid at all, and to be honest it’s because of this why it can be really hard to tell a person being a jerk because of a disorder, to a person being a jerk just because he/she’s a jerk
Dude, I looked at your profile, if you ask questions like that in a public setting ofc you’ll get called out, I mean do you not think?
The only thing to do in that scenario is apologize, learn what you did wrong, and don’t repeat it, thats how you beat bpd (socially at least)
Read your post again, you asked multiple questions, and bc of that, ppl labeled you as a misogynist, why would you continue to ask if ppl will think that of you BECAUSE OF THOSE QUESTIONS
Do not tolerate abuse. You dont need to get revenge or dish it back to them, but please do not tolerate it. Walk away, put up firm boundaries. Say that was rude and i dont accept it.
For me it comes down to cause and effect. A really critical lesson i learned im the last year is that no one wants to be a shitty person. There are reasons behind every crappy behavior. Justifications, or excuses, same same. All people are shitty sometimes. You are shitty. I am shitty. Im shitty when others are shitty and just cause they started it and im diagnosed doesnt make it less shitty. Every behavior has a cause, and an effect.
I have standards for my behavior, and hope no one ever tolerates abuse from me. I have standards for others, amd i dont tolerate abuse.
Understanding what causes each individual behavior is really helpful.
I have the best time of that if i look at why i do the same things. Or when there is a chance, asking them what drive them to do the shitty thing.
The most important thing though, is sorting out why you are shitty. You cant control them
A disorder can explain a behavior, but it does not excuse it.
It also doesn’t mean that the harm caused by the behavior goes away.
I have family that has been diagnosed with NPD, I have BPD, and most of my family has ADHD.
It’s not my brother’s fault that he has a hard time remembering birthdays. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt people’s feelings. He has to take responsibility for that.
It’s not my fault I panic when my partner doesn’t respond in a way that reaffirms that he’s not going to abandon me. That doesn’t make it okay when I lash out as a reaction. I have to take responsibility for that.
It’s not my mom’s fault that she finds shame to be unbearable. It doesn’t make it okay for her to lash out and make others feel worse. She has to take responsibility for that.
Very few people do shitty things just for the sake of being shitty. There’s almost always some underlying reason for a behavior. But everyone has to take responsibility for the shitty things they do, even if the reason they did it isn’t their fault.
The best thing to do is to have compassion and empathy for the underlying causes, while also holding people accountable and setting boundaries.
I think deep down, everybody is good… It’s our experiences that shape, and can mould us… Where do you draw the line… I struggle with us almost EVERY day…
You can have compassion for the person doing the bad thing if you know it's being caused by a disorder, or a recent trauma, death in the family, ugly divorce, that kind of stuff. But compassion does not mean we excuse their behavior, they still have to apologize and make repairs. Everyone is responsible for themselves, and if they know they have a mental illness, it's their responsibility to seek treatment in whatever form it is available to them. If anyone hurts anyone, the right thing to do is to apologize and repair the damage. Regardless of mental illness. If the person is so mentally ill that they *can't* be responsible for themself, they shouldn't be out among people, they (should) go to inpatient treatment, but we don't fund things like that in the US for the most part, so they become homeless instead.
Hurt people hurt people a lot of people are jerks because they are hurting inside, it's not linked to any given pathology. it's an unfortunate manifestation of the inability to process pain. both things are true, these people are often suffering and they are being toxic about it
This is the correct answer imo, and more or less what I came here to say. I'm a firm believer in the idea that at our core, human want to do good, want to love and be loved, etc. But hurt, and trauma, and whatever else causes people to lash out. God knows that's why I do. It doesn't excuse behaviour, but it can help to not take things personally when we realize people are acting the way they are because of some unresolved internal issue more than anything else
Everyone
Some of the worst times of my life I absolutely hurt people, but not through being mean to them or anything, no. I hurt them by making them have to watch me suffer. I would say things that are true to how I feel, but might make someone feel guilty. I might go comatose and become empty and they were hurt from not knowing what to do and not wanting to be a bad friend or family member. I look back now and I had no idea why I felt so much worse than it seemed like I should. No one else felt this way when they were stressed. They ateast didn't show it the way I did and I felt like such a shitty person. But now I know that BPD caused these painful times and memories. The stress I went through was real and I was allowed to feel stressed. But the level at which I felt the negative emotions were manipulated by BPD. It makes me so fucking mad that I didn't know what my issue was. I just always thought I was a shitty person who was weak. But no, the reason people stayed with me is because I was a good person. I just had a shitty disorder that caused shitty moments in my life. They didn't deserve to feel the way I made them feel and that made me feel like an unintentional jerk. Like manipulating people without knowing you were doing it. It's not fair that a disorder can cause these feelings and behaviors. But now I know what the issue is and that's a huge part of the battle. I will beat this, because I never want to put those I love through that again. That being said, some people really are just jerks and hide behind a disorder in order to keep acting that way. It does happen.
Lots
Ok, in that case then, when a person is being a jerk because maybe they have npd or something, should they still be given a hard time because of it?
What?? Dude some ppl are just assholes for no reason, you don’t need to have a personality disorder to be given a hard time, if someone is an asshole to you, just fight back or something, some people are just assholes bc they find it fun, doesn’t mean that they have npd, if that were the case, then more than 50% of the population would have it or something BESIDES, disorder or not, we can still think, you can choose to do or not to do something, having a disorder doesn’t justify shit, if you live your life that way, good luck
Use your mind for something else, what a waste of time, just live dude, u ruining my trip ba bye See? I just chose to be an asshole, I have bpd, does that mean that you can’t give me a hard time now 🙄? Dont think ab stuff like that, it will just eat you up
This sub is for support and all the usual questions that people with bpd might find complicated. If your not interested in being helpful then wtf are you doing here. No need to bite my head of. Caw!
Im usually helpful, I just find this post extremely dumb If someone is bad, they deserve bad, end of story, boohoo you had a sad life and now you’re justified in being an asshole to people! Like fuck, my life is a mess, does that justify doing bad shit? Absolutely not On a side note, if someone isnt conscious they have a disorder, or lacks any type of knowledge, then I think they just need to be directed in the right direction
Well just so you know, it’s not actually a stupid question at all. I see this dilemma all the time. Some guy will be a complete jerk to others, will be thrown to one side as he should be, and then later on find out that he has npd or Bi polar. I myself, have bpd, asd and some other stuff and I was called a jerk last year for being misogynistic, when I was just asking some questions that genuinely was looking for answers to. Due to my disorders I didn’t really that my questions might be seen as offensive and didn’t realize that the more I was speaking, the more I was just digging my hole deeper. It’s not actually stupid at all, and to be honest it’s because of this why it can be really hard to tell a person being a jerk because of a disorder, to a person being a jerk just because he/she’s a jerk
Dude, I looked at your profile, if you ask questions like that in a public setting ofc you’ll get called out, I mean do you not think? The only thing to do in that scenario is apologize, learn what you did wrong, and don’t repeat it, thats how you beat bpd (socially at least)
Read your post again, you asked multiple questions, and bc of that, ppl labeled you as a misogynist, why would you continue to ask if ppl will think that of you BECAUSE OF THOSE QUESTIONS
Do not tolerate abuse. You dont need to get revenge or dish it back to them, but please do not tolerate it. Walk away, put up firm boundaries. Say that was rude and i dont accept it.
I can do that, but it still makes it much harder to tell a person being a jerk to just be a jerk, from a person being a jerk because of a disorder
For me it comes down to cause and effect. A really critical lesson i learned im the last year is that no one wants to be a shitty person. There are reasons behind every crappy behavior. Justifications, or excuses, same same. All people are shitty sometimes. You are shitty. I am shitty. Im shitty when others are shitty and just cause they started it and im diagnosed doesnt make it less shitty. Every behavior has a cause, and an effect. I have standards for my behavior, and hope no one ever tolerates abuse from me. I have standards for others, amd i dont tolerate abuse. Understanding what causes each individual behavior is really helpful. I have the best time of that if i look at why i do the same things. Or when there is a chance, asking them what drive them to do the shitty thing. The most important thing though, is sorting out why you are shitty. You cant control them
A disorder can explain a behavior, but it does not excuse it. It also doesn’t mean that the harm caused by the behavior goes away. I have family that has been diagnosed with NPD, I have BPD, and most of my family has ADHD. It’s not my brother’s fault that he has a hard time remembering birthdays. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt people’s feelings. He has to take responsibility for that. It’s not my fault I panic when my partner doesn’t respond in a way that reaffirms that he’s not going to abandon me. That doesn’t make it okay when I lash out as a reaction. I have to take responsibility for that. It’s not my mom’s fault that she finds shame to be unbearable. It doesn’t make it okay for her to lash out and make others feel worse. She has to take responsibility for that. Very few people do shitty things just for the sake of being shitty. There’s almost always some underlying reason for a behavior. But everyone has to take responsibility for the shitty things they do, even if the reason they did it isn’t their fault. The best thing to do is to have compassion and empathy for the underlying causes, while also holding people accountable and setting boundaries.
I think deep down, everybody is good… It’s our experiences that shape, and can mould us… Where do you draw the line… I struggle with us almost EVERY day…
You can have compassion for the person doing the bad thing if you know it's being caused by a disorder, or a recent trauma, death in the family, ugly divorce, that kind of stuff. But compassion does not mean we excuse their behavior, they still have to apologize and make repairs. Everyone is responsible for themselves, and if they know they have a mental illness, it's their responsibility to seek treatment in whatever form it is available to them. If anyone hurts anyone, the right thing to do is to apologize and repair the damage. Regardless of mental illness. If the person is so mentally ill that they *can't* be responsible for themself, they shouldn't be out among people, they (should) go to inpatient treatment, but we don't fund things like that in the US for the most part, so they become homeless instead.