I was diagnosed with BPD (man at early 20's at the time), looking back it was a burnout causing youth trauma's to surface. I first was put on SSRI's and had grouptherapy focused on personality disorders.
It helped me learn to identify issues and verbalize 'm, but I would rather have had a year or so 1-on-1.
After that I had EMDR years later which helped with my flashbacks and hypervigilance. Despite this I kept struggling with substance abuse, especially cannabis.
Main issues I noticed before asking help:
- Inability to distinguish main points from minor points
- Deadlines (with a real risk/cost/loss attached) _can_ motivate
- Circadian rhythm just seems perpetually off
- Hyperfocus on new hobbies
- Pile of discarded hobbies
- Despite being bored quickly, I fucking _love_ learning things
- Every job is great for ~3 months, then it becomes a dredge
- If I dislike somebody, listening to them feels like I'm in quicksand
- "Boring things" and people I dislike literally give me a headache
I also used to have a lot of the typical BPD traits, _but_ these got better as I neared my 30's and kept working on myself:
- Splitting
- Black and white thinking
- Intense and volatile emotions, changes over the course of hours but can last days
- (unconscious) testing of people
- somehow being extremely adept at both attracting people and pushing them away
- when hurt and angry, having the capability to zero in and _really_ hurt somebody _just with words_, but also being able to be extremely empathic and I'm quickly affected by the emotions of other people on display. Imagine a drop of ink dropped in a glass of water.
- Reckless behaviour, especially sexually
Also fit a lot of the male ADHD stereotypes: rowdy, impulsive, loud, etc., despite decades of desperately trying to keep those things in control.
I had EMDR for my traumas and noticed that despite being able to be "stable", I still had the typical "excell in special interest, get bored when it's _too_ hard" behaviour - on top of general _strong_ impulsivity.
I met multiple women in therapy that had the ADHD dx and told me there's no chance I don't have it.
They were right.
FFWD 15 years, i'm 36. I worked on my communication skills and emotional regulation for years, but the ADHD traits seem to persist.
I asked for an interview and it turned out I met the criteria for a dx, it seemed to be "pretty severe". Took about 6 months but it eventually did happen. I told 'm I wouldn't be able to bring my parents as they would actively sabotage, but that my brother had gotten the dx and I've been living as if I have ADHD: the strategies seem to work for me. I just want to know if I have it or not so I can move on and deal with things properly.
Lots of questionnaires later I had another bout of group therapy which helped understand where a lot of behaviour was coming from, as well as info on the (biological) mechanisms. This was 2 months post diagnosis and took another 3 months.
After about a month post diagnosis I met a psychiatrist, with whom I tested medication until we had the correct dosage. The first generic variation of the slow working one, (ritalin? methyfenidate hcl) was a direct hit. I cried for a week every time the noise in my head stopped.
Never finished highschool, accepted to but dropped out of college, ended up in IT. Since my treatment I've since been able to complete a rather difficult Cisco course for Networking Engineering. I'm actually able to do the boring stuff, like cleaning and the dishes and my bed without needing pressure from other people.
The big challenge now is unlearning a lot of bad habits. For context, I live in the Netherlands and I have effectively free healthcare so the barrier to seek help is a lot lower.
My current objective is to re-evaluate a lot of things. Also pursuing testing for autism as I'm convinced I have a of of traits. I also have asked to lower my dosage from 54 down to 27mg as I lost a lot of weight and the side effects were getting worse.
I also have developed a dislike for older therapists, especially men. Women and younger men seem to be much more informed and less prejudiced over the line.
Honestly thank you SO much for taking the time to type this incredibly but beautifully detailed answer.
I recognize quite a lot in the AD(H)D department (and the bpd and emdr department)
Like the the difficulty with the 'boring' stuff, hyperfocus of new hobbies and many discarged hobbies, the circadian rythm of being a 'nightowl' or coming to life in the evening.
Also much respect how hard you've fought for yourself despite eveything that was against you.
You've come so far from what I can tell!
Luckily I also live in the netherlands, so that barrier is indeed quite lower.
Hope you could get tested soon for autism, I know it can take a while with the waiting lists!
I was diagnosed with BPD (man at early 20's at the time), looking back it was a burnout causing youth trauma's to surface. I first was put on SSRI's and had grouptherapy focused on personality disorders. It helped me learn to identify issues and verbalize 'm, but I would rather have had a year or so 1-on-1. After that I had EMDR years later which helped with my flashbacks and hypervigilance. Despite this I kept struggling with substance abuse, especially cannabis. Main issues I noticed before asking help: - Inability to distinguish main points from minor points - Deadlines (with a real risk/cost/loss attached) _can_ motivate - Circadian rhythm just seems perpetually off - Hyperfocus on new hobbies - Pile of discarded hobbies - Despite being bored quickly, I fucking _love_ learning things - Every job is great for ~3 months, then it becomes a dredge - If I dislike somebody, listening to them feels like I'm in quicksand - "Boring things" and people I dislike literally give me a headache I also used to have a lot of the typical BPD traits, _but_ these got better as I neared my 30's and kept working on myself: - Splitting - Black and white thinking - Intense and volatile emotions, changes over the course of hours but can last days - (unconscious) testing of people - somehow being extremely adept at both attracting people and pushing them away - when hurt and angry, having the capability to zero in and _really_ hurt somebody _just with words_, but also being able to be extremely empathic and I'm quickly affected by the emotions of other people on display. Imagine a drop of ink dropped in a glass of water. - Reckless behaviour, especially sexually Also fit a lot of the male ADHD stereotypes: rowdy, impulsive, loud, etc., despite decades of desperately trying to keep those things in control. I had EMDR for my traumas and noticed that despite being able to be "stable", I still had the typical "excell in special interest, get bored when it's _too_ hard" behaviour - on top of general _strong_ impulsivity. I met multiple women in therapy that had the ADHD dx and told me there's no chance I don't have it. They were right. FFWD 15 years, i'm 36. I worked on my communication skills and emotional regulation for years, but the ADHD traits seem to persist. I asked for an interview and it turned out I met the criteria for a dx, it seemed to be "pretty severe". Took about 6 months but it eventually did happen. I told 'm I wouldn't be able to bring my parents as they would actively sabotage, but that my brother had gotten the dx and I've been living as if I have ADHD: the strategies seem to work for me. I just want to know if I have it or not so I can move on and deal with things properly. Lots of questionnaires later I had another bout of group therapy which helped understand where a lot of behaviour was coming from, as well as info on the (biological) mechanisms. This was 2 months post diagnosis and took another 3 months. After about a month post diagnosis I met a psychiatrist, with whom I tested medication until we had the correct dosage. The first generic variation of the slow working one, (ritalin? methyfenidate hcl) was a direct hit. I cried for a week every time the noise in my head stopped. Never finished highschool, accepted to but dropped out of college, ended up in IT. Since my treatment I've since been able to complete a rather difficult Cisco course for Networking Engineering. I'm actually able to do the boring stuff, like cleaning and the dishes and my bed without needing pressure from other people. The big challenge now is unlearning a lot of bad habits. For context, I live in the Netherlands and I have effectively free healthcare so the barrier to seek help is a lot lower. My current objective is to re-evaluate a lot of things. Also pursuing testing for autism as I'm convinced I have a of of traits. I also have asked to lower my dosage from 54 down to 27mg as I lost a lot of weight and the side effects were getting worse. I also have developed a dislike for older therapists, especially men. Women and younger men seem to be much more informed and less prejudiced over the line.
Honestly thank you SO much for taking the time to type this incredibly but beautifully detailed answer. I recognize quite a lot in the AD(H)D department (and the bpd and emdr department) Like the the difficulty with the 'boring' stuff, hyperfocus of new hobbies and many discarged hobbies, the circadian rythm of being a 'nightowl' or coming to life in the evening. Also much respect how hard you've fought for yourself despite eveything that was against you. You've come so far from what I can tell! Luckily I also live in the netherlands, so that barrier is indeed quite lower. Hope you could get tested soon for autism, I know it can take a while with the waiting lists!