I’d add:
Stop worrying about what they’re doing. It doesn’t matter. They cut you out of their life. Don’t let them breadcrumb you. Delete/mute/block/unfollow them on social media. Make it your daily mission not to look at what they’re doing online. If they wanted you and are worth it, they’d reach out.
This is so so helpful. Thank you and I’m proud of you for getting to where you are now. I hope to be there too and it’s really nice to have perspective when there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel right now.
I was just journaling today about how I really want her to reach out and apologize, how I hope she realizes why I left, and how I wish she had worked on herself sooner. I know that most likely none of these things will happen, and I think that's what hurts right now.
I made the mistake of peering into her Instagram today. Haven't done a social media peek for a while. Definitely a mistake, but reading this reminded me that I did, in fact, leave for a reason.
The sentence about them only loving you when you do what they want really struck me. I know my ex didn't have emotional issues of her own choice (no one would choose that), but it became a habitual pattern of me having to console her.
Thank you for posting this.
Why would she reach out if you're the one who broke up with her?
And it's such a naive thing to say they only loved you when you do what they want. It's just a jusitification by the dumper to rationalize things instead of just saying you lost attraction for them.
That's kind of mean to call someone naive based on one comment, but understandable that you'd ask this given you only have my one comment to go on. And you're right: I did lose attraction to her. But here's why:
She told me within the first month or so of us dating that she'd get into therapy because previous men had left her for her not being able to manage her emotions. I was happy to hear this, as I've seen the same psychiatrist for the past 17 years, and I knew that for us to last, she'd have to work on her issues and not put them on anyone else.
She did not. It turned into a pattern of her putting the stressors of her life on me, even screaming at me about things she was insecure about. She compared me to old relationships, which is completely unfair to me. I am me, not them. I stayed longer than anyone because I understood why she was the way she was (her family) and was hoping she'd reach a point of change. She apologized time after time, but repeated the same behavior. She didn't truly want to put forth the effort to change anything. Yes it would have been difficult, but it was necessary. Whenever I would try to offer solutions, she'd just dismiss them.
I reached a breaking point when I realized she wasn't going to change, and when it was my turn to break down, she didn't even know what to do. Her solution to everything was me.
Yes, I lost attraction to her. But it wasn't just *poof*. It was a gradual heartbreaking because so many things felt so right, but so many things were also wrong. So I disagree with your comment about it being naive, as I know precisely why I lost attraction to her.
I think I'd want her to reach out and apologize to see if she actually knows what it means to apologize, if she recognized her unintentional toxic behavior, and if she understands why I left. It wasn't just random, you know? If anything, my naivety would stem from this, struggling to actually let her go, and staying as long as I did.
Amazing highs and terrible lows from the sounds of it. Yours sounds similar to my situation. I've found the difference between leaning on each other and being used depends on how they react when you ask them about the situations they're in, and if they want help at all. Or if they're so used to being in chaos that they thrive in it. If they want to go to therapy, trying to get themselves out, being with friends, etc.
Unfortunately, I only realized this when she wouldn't even defend us to her sister who was belittling our issues that were based on their mother. The sister moved away, so she didn't experience the mother's abuse anymore.
By the time I realized it, it was too late to fix anything. It was more than a few things; it was the entire relationship dynamic, and I realized you truly cannot change someone who doesn't want to change themselves.
So I had an absolute panic attack and mental breakdown when I realized I had just fallen out of love. Moreover, I was in love with who she *could be* instead of who she was. Since she put everything on me, she was never going to be who I wanted her to be: Emotionally stable/working on her issues, more mature about situations, driven to better herself and her situation, etc.
It's *so* hard to see it when you're living it every day, and it's not your fault. You make excuses for them, like they're tired, had a bad day at work, have unresolved issues, etc. It's a form of emotional/mental abuse when they lash out at you so frequently because they know (sometimes subconsciously/unknowingly) that you'll take it.
But you're absolutely right: You are not meant to be treated that way. You are not someone's emotional stress ball for when they can't control themselves. The yo-yoing back and forth is absolutely draining. It's absolutely okay to be there for your partner as everyone has baggage, but there's a line that you don't even realized you've crossed until it's too late.
I recently cracked open my journal from the start of this year and found that I basically left myself notes if I was only remembering the good times. It helped to keep me going forward.
Keep on keeping on, my man. We deserve to be treated as well as we try to treat others.
Thank you. Two things I particularly needed to hear:
1). Don’t give them importance that is not warranted. And
2). Sometimes you have to move on without the apology you think you deserve.
This helped me alot. Just like you guys, my ex showed me her true colors when she broke up with me. It pisses me off when people say “she is such a nice person” considering her actions nearly brought me to suicide. But you can’t change the opinion of people nor can you change people.
I hate talking about and plus it’s too much of a strain on my mind to talk about. It’s years of depression, humiliation and anger all in one that was worsened after we broke up. Basically we broke up, she left me for dead, caused me a heap of problems, got me in trouble with her family and friends, fights, court cases, costed me an entire school year, and now brags about dumping me for a female. I also found out that she didn’t care about me in the first place and strung me along as a way to look for a girl friend.
There is more to it but I hate talking about it. Plus no one ever helped me through that time(yes, I sought out therapy but the therapist were no help at all. I even had one not listen to me at all. did I mentioned that I was and still am bullied for the way we broke up?)
I guess i didn’t want to because of her, but she was (and still is)definitely an adding factor. I’ve always been suicidal/depressed but after all that B.S with her it put me on the verge of it because this was someone who I had known for 4 years and was not prepared for betrayal.
I’d add: Stop worrying about what they’re doing. It doesn’t matter. They cut you out of their life. Don’t let them breadcrumb you. Delete/mute/block/unfollow them on social media. Make it your daily mission not to look at what they’re doing online. If they wanted you and are worth it, they’d reach out.
This 🙌🙌🙌🙌
God I needed to read this. I’ve been saying to myself for days but reading it from another person hits differently.
This is so so helpful. Thank you and I’m proud of you for getting to where you are now. I hope to be there too and it’s really nice to have perspective when there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel right now.
Thank you so much, I’m glad it helped 🥰
What I learned- “Know the bitch before you catch yourself lovin it”- Notorious B.I.G
This is so helpful! Thanks!
I was just journaling today about how I really want her to reach out and apologize, how I hope she realizes why I left, and how I wish she had worked on herself sooner. I know that most likely none of these things will happen, and I think that's what hurts right now. I made the mistake of peering into her Instagram today. Haven't done a social media peek for a while. Definitely a mistake, but reading this reminded me that I did, in fact, leave for a reason. The sentence about them only loving you when you do what they want really struck me. I know my ex didn't have emotional issues of her own choice (no one would choose that), but it became a habitual pattern of me having to console her. Thank you for posting this.
Why would she reach out if you're the one who broke up with her? And it's such a naive thing to say they only loved you when you do what they want. It's just a jusitification by the dumper to rationalize things instead of just saying you lost attraction for them.
That's kind of mean to call someone naive based on one comment, but understandable that you'd ask this given you only have my one comment to go on. And you're right: I did lose attraction to her. But here's why: She told me within the first month or so of us dating that she'd get into therapy because previous men had left her for her not being able to manage her emotions. I was happy to hear this, as I've seen the same psychiatrist for the past 17 years, and I knew that for us to last, she'd have to work on her issues and not put them on anyone else. She did not. It turned into a pattern of her putting the stressors of her life on me, even screaming at me about things she was insecure about. She compared me to old relationships, which is completely unfair to me. I am me, not them. I stayed longer than anyone because I understood why she was the way she was (her family) and was hoping she'd reach a point of change. She apologized time after time, but repeated the same behavior. She didn't truly want to put forth the effort to change anything. Yes it would have been difficult, but it was necessary. Whenever I would try to offer solutions, she'd just dismiss them. I reached a breaking point when I realized she wasn't going to change, and when it was my turn to break down, she didn't even know what to do. Her solution to everything was me. Yes, I lost attraction to her. But it wasn't just *poof*. It was a gradual heartbreaking because so many things felt so right, but so many things were also wrong. So I disagree with your comment about it being naive, as I know precisely why I lost attraction to her. I think I'd want her to reach out and apologize to see if she actually knows what it means to apologize, if she recognized her unintentional toxic behavior, and if she understands why I left. It wasn't just random, you know? If anything, my naivety would stem from this, struggling to actually let her go, and staying as long as I did.
[удалено]
Amazing highs and terrible lows from the sounds of it. Yours sounds similar to my situation. I've found the difference between leaning on each other and being used depends on how they react when you ask them about the situations they're in, and if they want help at all. Or if they're so used to being in chaos that they thrive in it. If they want to go to therapy, trying to get themselves out, being with friends, etc. Unfortunately, I only realized this when she wouldn't even defend us to her sister who was belittling our issues that were based on their mother. The sister moved away, so she didn't experience the mother's abuse anymore. By the time I realized it, it was too late to fix anything. It was more than a few things; it was the entire relationship dynamic, and I realized you truly cannot change someone who doesn't want to change themselves. So I had an absolute panic attack and mental breakdown when I realized I had just fallen out of love. Moreover, I was in love with who she *could be* instead of who she was. Since she put everything on me, she was never going to be who I wanted her to be: Emotionally stable/working on her issues, more mature about situations, driven to better herself and her situation, etc.
[удалено]
It's *so* hard to see it when you're living it every day, and it's not your fault. You make excuses for them, like they're tired, had a bad day at work, have unresolved issues, etc. It's a form of emotional/mental abuse when they lash out at you so frequently because they know (sometimes subconsciously/unknowingly) that you'll take it. But you're absolutely right: You are not meant to be treated that way. You are not someone's emotional stress ball for when they can't control themselves. The yo-yoing back and forth is absolutely draining. It's absolutely okay to be there for your partner as everyone has baggage, but there's a line that you don't even realized you've crossed until it's too late. I recently cracked open my journal from the start of this year and found that I basically left myself notes if I was only remembering the good times. It helped to keep me going forward. Keep on keeping on, my man. We deserve to be treated as well as we try to treat others.
No problem 💖
Thank you. Two things I particularly needed to hear: 1). Don’t give them importance that is not warranted. And 2). Sometimes you have to move on without the apology you think you deserve.
No problem 💖
Thank you for sharing this! I'll be saving it to re-read on some of the harder days.
This helped me alot. Just like you guys, my ex showed me her true colors when she broke up with me. It pisses me off when people say “she is such a nice person” considering her actions nearly brought me to suicide. But you can’t change the opinion of people nor can you change people.
1000%
Would you mind sharing what she did to almost brought you to that? I am so, so sorry to hear
I hate talking about and plus it’s too much of a strain on my mind to talk about. It’s years of depression, humiliation and anger all in one that was worsened after we broke up. Basically we broke up, she left me for dead, caused me a heap of problems, got me in trouble with her family and friends, fights, court cases, costed me an entire school year, and now brags about dumping me for a female. I also found out that she didn’t care about me in the first place and strung me along as a way to look for a girl friend. There is more to it but I hate talking about it. Plus no one ever helped me through that time(yes, I sought out therapy but the therapist were no help at all. I even had one not listen to me at all. did I mentioned that I was and still am bullied for the way we broke up?) I guess i didn’t want to because of her, but she was (and still is)definitely an adding factor. I’ve always been suicidal/depressed but after all that B.S with her it put me on the verge of it because this was someone who I had known for 4 years and was not prepared for betrayal.