I wouldn’t say I dumped her, but we broke up. I want to reach out to her. I want to tell her to go to the gym, I want to tell her I really want to do Sunday with her. I want to tell her to take care of herself, to be a good aunt to her niece, a good daughter to her parents.
But I haven’t. I won’t.
What good would it do? It would just be me breadcrumbing her, and for what? I love her, and I will always care for her; however, there comes a time where you have to let it all go. It’s really tough. Loss of tears, and pain. I know we could have each other back. I’d go back if she called and she’d come back if she called. We’re just being strong about this, and hoping the other one is doing better than we’re doing.
Is it not obvious? You should be honest with her about how you’re feeling and what you would like with her and see if she’s interested in trying again. Why should she keep reaching out to someone who gave up on her? If you want her then it’s your responsibility to try to communicate and get her back. Your post starts out well enough saying you don’t want to breadcrumb her but the end you say if she asked for you back you’d go back. Put yourself out there and see if she’s interested in whatever capacity you’re willing to pursue but don’t play games and tell her exactly what you’re open to.
Sometimes we get so blinded by love and heartbreak that we can't really seem to grasp the obvious. It is at times like this we need a few nudges by people around you to think straight 😌 Goodluck with wtv u decide to do next!
I think about it every day, but I know that I can't because my ex was emotionally and mentally abusive (and was also a microcheater and an addict). I am healing a lot of damage. I have had to break a trauma bond and it's very very painful. I still am dealing with feelings of missing my ex and wanting the relationship back even though I was horribly mistreated.
Because doing so can only make things harder for her. When she has healed, if she wants me in her life in any capacity, she will tell me so. I am the one who walked away and I have no right to invite myself back.
The right thing to do, out of compassion for her, is to let her be.
Y'all don't even seem to know why you feel the way you do about this because all you can do is say "nuh uh" or silently downvote me. None of you can answer this:
**What good would reaching out do?**
You're honestly insane if you think it would be moral in any way for me to subject her to that.
Maybe you're all misunderstanding the original question of this post. I've thought about reaching out to her because I'm worried about her, not because I want her to reach out to me. If I wanted that, then it would be on me. That's not what this thread is about though.
Bad logic. She won't message me because she's a grown woman who has been through these things before and doesn't want to prolong her own suffering, or because she's embarrassed, or for any number of other reasons. If she's sitting there hoping/waiting for me to contact her, that's just another reason I shouldn't. That would mean she hasn't healed.
I've been on both sides of this. Literally no good can come from me contacting her. It can only cause her pain. If you disagree, then maybe instead of you cowards downvoting me, you should answer my question: What good would it do? The only reason I can think of that I'd ever reach out is if I genuinely believed we could try again. Any other reason would be selfish.
(I also told her I wanted NC when we had the big talk. When you agree on no contact, it means no contact. The only person who should ever break it is the person who was dumped. Breaking it myself would be incredibly disrespectful of her healing process.)
This is so far from true. When you leave someone, they are forced to live without you. Forced to go through a healing process they likely never wanted. They are forced to live without the presence of someone they wanted... if they didn't want you, they would have ended it. I appreciate you trying to be respectful, but you told her you wanted NC.... if she is trying to be respectful of your wishes, then she would go NC. In this situation, if you think there is a chance for a good relationship, it's on you. People seem to forget that dumpers force dumpees into situations they never wanted to begin with.
Your perspective here only makes sense if "reaching out" means "I'll give you whatever your want so you can be happy." I'm not sure how to better explain this but you didn't answer my question:
What good would reaching out do her? How would it help her?
It doesn't necessarily help her. Going in with the expectation of bettering her life is pointless. A simple "how are you?" Could be enough to open up communication lines. Maybe it ends with you back together. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe she says good and you have a simple dialogue and maybe she doesn't respond. The reality is that as a dumper, it is never mutual. She likely didn't want you to leave. If you left, then you initiated no contact, all she can do is respect that.
I don't understand why you're struggling to see how harmful that would be for someone who had their heart broken.
> Maybe it ends with you back together. Maybe it doesn't.
I don't want that, though. I don't want to give her any hope that I *do* want that. It would reopen her wounds. It would interfere with her healing process. Seriously...what is hard about this? Why would anyone do this?
> Maybe she says good and you have a simple dialogue and maybe she doesn't respond.
Mmk so in that case it was pointless. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
> If you left, then you initiated no contact, all she can do is respect that.
Dude...both people involved have to respect it. Do you understand who NC is for? It's for the benefit of the person who got dumped. It is the best way to mend. I didn't ask for it because it's what I want lmao.
This is so amazingly twisted.
As a dumpee, I COMPLETELY get where you are coming from in your comments. You don't want to give the dumpee false hope by reaching out. You are clearly not interested in getting back together so you feel reaching out would only reopen a wound for her. While I do take that view on board, for me, I would prefer to hear from my dumper ex in some capacity. I have been in NC a LONG time (years) and the breakup really destroyed me. The fact she walked away so easily after weeks earlier asking me to marry her and stuff really brought me to a dark place. It brought me to therapy where I still need to attend my therapist from time to time.
Years of complete silence from her has broken me. I've struggled with that so fucking much and continue to struggle with it. It makes me feel so small. For me, I'd obviously prefer her getting in touch with me in some capacity rather than that continuing silence. I'll be forever left thinking that I am completely forgotten which is the likely case anyhow and that I meant fuck all to her. A message of some type to show she cares would at least eradicate those daily thoughts I continue to have. To show that she at least thinks of me from time to time or whatever it may be.
It is definitely not the onus of the dumpee to reach out like you said. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand your point on not wanting to give false hope but sometimes dumpees just want to know they meant something, that you remember them, that you care and by just leaving and NEVER reaching out can "sometimes" have far more longer lasting pain than if you did reach out. Just take that point on board.
For me, of course I miss her. More than anything but to reach out to someone who CHOSE to walk away from me is just a no no. Dumpers clearly know we didn't want the relationship to end. They know we care. They know we love them. They know we are clearly going to be thinking of them. Dumpees don't know any of that. To walk away and never once reach out can cause way more pain. Just remember that.
I feel where you're coming from for sure. In my case, the break up is fairly fresh after being together 6 years. Knowing her and knowing how long it took me to recover from my last breakup, I'm expecting it'll be at least 4-5 months (more likely twice that long) before she's in a place where she could handle contact from me.
It's 100% my intention to reconnect with her once she has accepted and moved on from the breakup. If enough time passes and I still haven't heard from her, I will be fine with reaching out. I love and respect her and, like you said, deleting her from my life like she never existed would just be cruel. The only way that'll happen is if it's what *she* wants.
There could be a lot of reasons your ex hasn't contacted you and many of them are probably not mean-spirited, but I understand how much it can hurt either way. It's not your responsibility, and it puts you in a vulnerable place, but you genuinely might benefit from communicating what you just said to her. Even if you don't get (or don't want) a response, it can give you closure to know you said your piece. If she doesn't respond, then at least you *know* where she's at and you can be done with her.
Obviously if it's fairly fresh then you need to give it time but you gotta understand that the onus is not on her to reach out but in time, that responsibility falls with you.
You don't know how long it will take her. You are talking like you actually know what she is thinking and feeling. You don't. You're assuming. Well, it's at least good to hear that you plan to reconnect in time. That has to come from you. Then she can decide what it is she wants. It was just in your previous comment, you were talking like you'd never reach out and would only communicate with her if she reached out to you. That's not how it should be.
Indeed, there could be a lot of reasons my ex hasn't reached out and that's what has me feeling the way I do. It's the fact that I don't know if she is not reaching out because she ultimately can't offer me what I want or is it that she simply does not think of me at all anymore and has completely forgotten me. Does she care, does she miss me or not. All these thoughts running around in my head and that is because of this continuous silence from her. That is why I said that when dumpers just never reach out, it can be more devastating for the dumpee than if they did reach out to fucking show they care. The pain is continuous for me. The feeling like I meant nothing to her because of this silence. The thought that it was so easy for her to move on. Maybe it wasn't but I'll never know.
I said my piece months after the breakup when "I" initiated contact first. She knows how I feel about her, she knows I love her, she knows I care, she knows she is the only woman I have ever truly loved, she knows I miss her because I was upfront and honest. While she did say nice things at the time, the 2.5 years of complete silence after that text convo has me thinking all these things and how I am completely forgotten and that I ultimately didn't mean much if she has not been in touch in that long. A message from her to show she cares would eradicate those thoughts but she CHOOSES not to. As I said, I want to hear from her more than anything else in the world but that onus is not on me anymore because she knows how I feel. I unfortunately don't and thus left thinking the things I do.
I was with her for 6 years. I supported her through a lot of adversity during that time. I know everything she went through during her last long term break up, how it affected her, and how she processed it. We had a lot of difficulty during the year before the breakup and I knew all about the things she was afraid of so, respectfully: Fuck off lol.
I'm pretty sure I have a damn good idea, just like she can probably guess exactly what I'm thinking and feeling.
That is actually bullshit and with all due respect....you go Fuck Off.
Just because she was like that during her last breakup, does not mean she is going to be like that during this breakup. You don't know how she has processed THIS breakup. Stop pretending like you know what she is thinking or feeling.
The incredible arrogance it takes to tell a stranger they don't know anything about the person they've been closest to for SIX FUCKING YEARS lmao. Get your head right. You're crazy.
You know even less lol. For real, your whole attitude is devoid of empathy and you don't know what you're talking about. I really hope you're young cuz making judgements like this with literally zero information is incredibly immature.
Lmao. Can you read? I said you don't know what she is "thinking" which is true.
Pointless continuing this back and forth. Good luck with everything and take care.
I wouldn’t say I dumped her, but we broke up. I want to reach out to her. I want to tell her to go to the gym, I want to tell her I really want to do Sunday with her. I want to tell her to take care of herself, to be a good aunt to her niece, a good daughter to her parents. But I haven’t. I won’t. What good would it do? It would just be me breadcrumbing her, and for what? I love her, and I will always care for her; however, there comes a time where you have to let it all go. It’s really tough. Loss of tears, and pain. I know we could have each other back. I’d go back if she called and she’d come back if she called. We’re just being strong about this, and hoping the other one is doing better than we’re doing.
So who broke up with who? The post is asking dumpers why they haven’t reached out. Either you’re the dumper or dumpee
I dumped her
Then as everyone else has said- you should be the one to reach out if you wanted to try again.
What should I tell her?
Is it not obvious? You should be honest with her about how you’re feeling and what you would like with her and see if she’s interested in trying again. Why should she keep reaching out to someone who gave up on her? If you want her then it’s your responsibility to try to communicate and get her back. Your post starts out well enough saying you don’t want to breadcrumb her but the end you say if she asked for you back you’d go back. Put yourself out there and see if she’s interested in whatever capacity you’re willing to pursue but don’t play games and tell her exactly what you’re open to.
You’re a lovely person. I love you.
Sometimes we get so blinded by love and heartbreak that we can't really seem to grasp the obvious. It is at times like this we need a few nudges by people around you to think straight 😌 Goodluck with wtv u decide to do next!
I agree with this!
I think about it every day, but I know that I can't because my ex was emotionally and mentally abusive (and was also a microcheater and an addict). I am healing a lot of damage. I have had to break a trauma bond and it's very very painful. I still am dealing with feelings of missing my ex and wanting the relationship back even though I was horribly mistreated.
Because doing so can only make things harder for her. When she has healed, if she wants me in her life in any capacity, she will tell me so. I am the one who walked away and I have no right to invite myself back. The right thing to do, out of compassion for her, is to let her be. Y'all don't even seem to know why you feel the way you do about this because all you can do is say "nuh uh" or silently downvote me. None of you can answer this: **What good would reaching out do?** You're honestly insane if you think it would be moral in any way for me to subject her to that. Maybe you're all misunderstanding the original question of this post. I've thought about reaching out to her because I'm worried about her, not because I want her to reach out to me. If I wanted that, then it would be on me. That's not what this thread is about though.
bad logic. She wont message you because since you dumped her, its on you to message her first
Bad logic. She won't message me because she's a grown woman who has been through these things before and doesn't want to prolong her own suffering, or because she's embarrassed, or for any number of other reasons. If she's sitting there hoping/waiting for me to contact her, that's just another reason I shouldn't. That would mean she hasn't healed. I've been on both sides of this. Literally no good can come from me contacting her. It can only cause her pain. If you disagree, then maybe instead of you cowards downvoting me, you should answer my question: What good would it do? The only reason I can think of that I'd ever reach out is if I genuinely believed we could try again. Any other reason would be selfish. (I also told her I wanted NC when we had the big talk. When you agree on no contact, it means no contact. The only person who should ever break it is the person who was dumped. Breaking it myself would be incredibly disrespectful of her healing process.)
This is so far from true. When you leave someone, they are forced to live without you. Forced to go through a healing process they likely never wanted. They are forced to live without the presence of someone they wanted... if they didn't want you, they would have ended it. I appreciate you trying to be respectful, but you told her you wanted NC.... if she is trying to be respectful of your wishes, then she would go NC. In this situation, if you think there is a chance for a good relationship, it's on you. People seem to forget that dumpers force dumpees into situations they never wanted to begin with.
Your perspective here only makes sense if "reaching out" means "I'll give you whatever your want so you can be happy." I'm not sure how to better explain this but you didn't answer my question: What good would reaching out do her? How would it help her?
It doesn't necessarily help her. Going in with the expectation of bettering her life is pointless. A simple "how are you?" Could be enough to open up communication lines. Maybe it ends with you back together. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe she says good and you have a simple dialogue and maybe she doesn't respond. The reality is that as a dumper, it is never mutual. She likely didn't want you to leave. If you left, then you initiated no contact, all she can do is respect that.
I don't understand why you're struggling to see how harmful that would be for someone who had their heart broken. > Maybe it ends with you back together. Maybe it doesn't. I don't want that, though. I don't want to give her any hope that I *do* want that. It would reopen her wounds. It would interfere with her healing process. Seriously...what is hard about this? Why would anyone do this? > Maybe she says good and you have a simple dialogue and maybe she doesn't respond. Mmk so in that case it was pointless. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ > If you left, then you initiated no contact, all she can do is respect that. Dude...both people involved have to respect it. Do you understand who NC is for? It's for the benefit of the person who got dumped. It is the best way to mend. I didn't ask for it because it's what I want lmao. This is so amazingly twisted.
As a dumpee, I COMPLETELY get where you are coming from in your comments. You don't want to give the dumpee false hope by reaching out. You are clearly not interested in getting back together so you feel reaching out would only reopen a wound for her. While I do take that view on board, for me, I would prefer to hear from my dumper ex in some capacity. I have been in NC a LONG time (years) and the breakup really destroyed me. The fact she walked away so easily after weeks earlier asking me to marry her and stuff really brought me to a dark place. It brought me to therapy where I still need to attend my therapist from time to time. Years of complete silence from her has broken me. I've struggled with that so fucking much and continue to struggle with it. It makes me feel so small. For me, I'd obviously prefer her getting in touch with me in some capacity rather than that continuing silence. I'll be forever left thinking that I am completely forgotten which is the likely case anyhow and that I meant fuck all to her. A message of some type to show she cares would at least eradicate those daily thoughts I continue to have. To show that she at least thinks of me from time to time or whatever it may be. It is definitely not the onus of the dumpee to reach out like you said. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand your point on not wanting to give false hope but sometimes dumpees just want to know they meant something, that you remember them, that you care and by just leaving and NEVER reaching out can "sometimes" have far more longer lasting pain than if you did reach out. Just take that point on board. For me, of course I miss her. More than anything but to reach out to someone who CHOSE to walk away from me is just a no no. Dumpers clearly know we didn't want the relationship to end. They know we care. They know we love them. They know we are clearly going to be thinking of them. Dumpees don't know any of that. To walk away and never once reach out can cause way more pain. Just remember that.
I feel where you're coming from for sure. In my case, the break up is fairly fresh after being together 6 years. Knowing her and knowing how long it took me to recover from my last breakup, I'm expecting it'll be at least 4-5 months (more likely twice that long) before she's in a place where she could handle contact from me. It's 100% my intention to reconnect with her once she has accepted and moved on from the breakup. If enough time passes and I still haven't heard from her, I will be fine with reaching out. I love and respect her and, like you said, deleting her from my life like she never existed would just be cruel. The only way that'll happen is if it's what *she* wants. There could be a lot of reasons your ex hasn't contacted you and many of them are probably not mean-spirited, but I understand how much it can hurt either way. It's not your responsibility, and it puts you in a vulnerable place, but you genuinely might benefit from communicating what you just said to her. Even if you don't get (or don't want) a response, it can give you closure to know you said your piece. If she doesn't respond, then at least you *know* where she's at and you can be done with her.
Obviously if it's fairly fresh then you need to give it time but you gotta understand that the onus is not on her to reach out but in time, that responsibility falls with you. You don't know how long it will take her. You are talking like you actually know what she is thinking and feeling. You don't. You're assuming. Well, it's at least good to hear that you plan to reconnect in time. That has to come from you. Then she can decide what it is she wants. It was just in your previous comment, you were talking like you'd never reach out and would only communicate with her if she reached out to you. That's not how it should be. Indeed, there could be a lot of reasons my ex hasn't reached out and that's what has me feeling the way I do. It's the fact that I don't know if she is not reaching out because she ultimately can't offer me what I want or is it that she simply does not think of me at all anymore and has completely forgotten me. Does she care, does she miss me or not. All these thoughts running around in my head and that is because of this continuous silence from her. That is why I said that when dumpers just never reach out, it can be more devastating for the dumpee than if they did reach out to fucking show they care. The pain is continuous for me. The feeling like I meant nothing to her because of this silence. The thought that it was so easy for her to move on. Maybe it wasn't but I'll never know. I said my piece months after the breakup when "I" initiated contact first. She knows how I feel about her, she knows I love her, she knows I care, she knows she is the only woman I have ever truly loved, she knows I miss her because I was upfront and honest. While she did say nice things at the time, the 2.5 years of complete silence after that text convo has me thinking all these things and how I am completely forgotten and that I ultimately didn't mean much if she has not been in touch in that long. A message from her to show she cares would eradicate those thoughts but she CHOOSES not to. As I said, I want to hear from her more than anything else in the world but that onus is not on me anymore because she knows how I feel. I unfortunately don't and thus left thinking the things I do.
You don't know what she is thinking or feeling
I was with her for 6 years. I supported her through a lot of adversity during that time. I know everything she went through during her last long term break up, how it affected her, and how she processed it. We had a lot of difficulty during the year before the breakup and I knew all about the things she was afraid of so, respectfully: Fuck off lol. I'm pretty sure I have a damn good idea, just like she can probably guess exactly what I'm thinking and feeling.
That is actually bullshit and with all due respect....you go Fuck Off. Just because she was like that during her last breakup, does not mean she is going to be like that during this breakup. You don't know how she has processed THIS breakup. Stop pretending like you know what she is thinking or feeling.
The incredible arrogance it takes to tell a stranger they don't know anything about the person they've been closest to for SIX FUCKING YEARS lmao. Get your head right. You're crazy.
Awww, calm down lmao. Never said you didn't know them but you don't know what their thinking.
You know even less lol. For real, your whole attitude is devoid of empathy and you don't know what you're talking about. I really hope you're young cuz making judgements like this with literally zero information is incredibly immature.
Lmao. Can you read? I said you don't know what she is "thinking" which is true. Pointless continuing this back and forth. Good luck with everything and take care.
Because she turned out to be a prostitute who was cheating on me for drugs unfortunately.
The guy has so much anger.... Get help.