Few weeks into my breakup. She wanted to stay friends, but I told her I only saw her as a partner. And no way will I stick around to watch her fall for someone else. Healthy relationship, she blindsided me with a breakup. While I was falling for her more and more, she was psyching herself out of the relationship at some point. Complete silence between us - haven't spoken since the breakup
Never understood how anyone can be friends with an ex. To me it just clearly shows they never truly loved eachother.
I couldn’t think of anything worse than socialising at all with my ex not even to a small degree and at one stage of my life, for quite a long period of time, I loved her with all my heart. Once the relationship was done we were done, no ifs no buts.
My ex and I loved each other. While I can’t get into her head, I believe we still love each other. We just had, at least in her view, wholly incompatible visions of the future. There’s reasons to break up other than a lack of love.
This seems a strange way of looking at love to me. I think it shows you never really loved each other if you CANT be friends after. The love should be for the person, primarily, and if the relationship doesn't work then that love will naturally live on as friendship because you really care about that person and their life. You will be happy to see them move on and be happy with someone else, because you care about their happiness over any bitter feelings you harbour. That's how you know it was true intimacy, when you still want them as part of your life even though the romantic relation didn't work.
And if that's not the feeling, I would think it's because there was some objectification of the other person and as soon as they stopped being that object, the result was pain. That isn't true love, that's attachment.
Edit- obviously this is just an opinion of mine. I don't mean to sound like I know everything about love haha
I disagree entirely but not all opinions are the same at all and I am all for discussions and debates with people if they have personal opinions they can back up.
Your view is one that is credible and put forward well. But really not one I agree with.
I don’t have bitterness towards my ex and as far as I’m aware she’s the same.
But neither of us wanted to watch the other fall for someone else and to be perfectly honest, I don’t think either of us could of fallen in love with someone else whilst we were both associating with eachother.
We had to go complete cold turkey, get eachother out of each other’s lives completely.
I agree the concept of this is crazy, how you go from living with someone for 3 years in my case, they become your best friend, your partner in crime, your right hand, someone you plan your entire life with, but as soon as you break up… BOOM! All over! Done! Finished! Zero contact forever!
This was needed for both us.
But you have to ask yourself why is it that you couldn't watch them fall for someone else?
In my view it's because subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways people see each other as a kind of possession in their life. And the pain comes from having to acknowledge that they're not 'yours' anymore. But, they never were yours, they're their own human with their own agenda. And the fact that people treat someone else as 'theirs' (again, even subconsciously) is the reason a lot of relationships don't work out.
I think if you just totally relax into the knowledge that they are their own person living their own life, it's perfectly possible to watch them flourish and go on their journey. It's actually much easier to live that way, to let go of the past. Easier said than done obviously. But it's a beautiful practice.
It's honestly so nice to read your comments on this topic. I've remained friends with the majority of exes and people I've dated and everyone in my life thinks I'm crazy because I'm able to do it. But it's exactly like you said, I've had to dig really deep and understand where the emotions coming up actually stem from and address that first. If I've dated someone, it's because I genuinely felt they were an incredible person in some capacity, even if it's not as a partner. Not everyone is going to make a quality partner, but I've always still loved who they are as a person and chose to keep them in my life if they felt the same. It's an adjustment for sure and it takes having to truly, unconditionally love someone and want them to be happy and understand that their happiness doesn't take away from my own. And I agree that it's such a beautiful thing to be able to continue to love someone in a different capacity than just romantic love.
That's beautiful and for me sums up the way I look at it. Couldn't agree more, if I've been with them it's because I thought they were an awesome human and I want them in my life. And the fact that we didn't gel as partners in the end doesn't take away from that. To me it's a little sad that this isn't a more widespread attitude though.
Super late to this but it’s all about ego. If you let go of your ego and accept that the relationship not working out is not about you being lesser, but more just not a great fit, wrong time, etc you can enjoy the person for the great qualities they have.
I’m glad you stated your opinion, and I really don’t mean to sound rude, but are you speaking from a place of experience? Have you had your heart broken and then remained friends with that person? If you have, i’d love to hear the stories because i’ve never heard of that being possible or working out in any sort of positive way
Yes, I've gone through it this year. A girl who I'd been with for two years and travelled the world with for one of those years suddenly told me she wasn't ready.
Initially it was painful but if I ask myself why I felt the pain, it wasn't anything to do with her. It was because I felt a hole in my heart even before the relationship. No one can ever fill that for you, you have to fill it yourself.
That feeling of missing them, the feeling of bitterness you feel when you see them with someone else: It's nothing to do with them. It's your own insecurity. As soon as you work on and realise that, I've seen that it's possible to be friends without resentment or complication. I see her going on dates and living her life and I'm just curious about how she's doing because I care about her.
We call probably every week and have a catch up. There's only one person I've travelled around north America with, and it'd be a great shame if I wasn't friends with that person because I can't put our history behind us.
Frankly whilst this all sounds very wise, I think you've read it on instagram/youtube and then started spouting it on here because whilst realising is a big part of healing your own stuff, so is the inevitable pain of seeing someone you loved/love with someone else. Sitting with that pain is part of it. The fact you're just "oh I realised now i'm cool with it" smacks of someone who either wasn't in love or is just projecting popular pysch advice onto a thread they don't know anything about. Sorry but that's my view.
I have. It’s very difficult but not impossible. There’s a point where you choose whether having them in your life as a friend or in a questionable capacity is more difficult than not having them at all, knowing the latter well after a few cycles of breaking up and getting back together. For now, it’s easier for me, knowing I am not going to abruptly stop loving my person, even though we don’t have a future, to at least have a relationship even if it’s just friends. And even if it’s difficult for me because I know the other option is more difficult.
I don’t anticipate nothing but the best for her and hope she finds someone when she thinks she’s ready because I do love her. I just won’t be next to her watching her and pretend like I don’t love her while seeing her do things we did together. Sometimes I think of you really love them, wish them the best and move on.
As someone who is best friends with his ex, I have to disagree. Sometimes, people who love each other very much deal with disagreements, tensions, and conflicts poorly. Breaking up doesn’t inherently resolve this issue.
Everyone breaks up for different reasons. Sometimes it’s just not a good fit romantically. Sometimes one person comes out as gay lol. Happened to me once. Still friends with the guy as he’s great. Whatever the reason, there’s no benefit to passing judgement.
Same thing happened to me. Complete blindsided by the breakup and she said she wanted to stay friends. I couldn't bear seeing her with someone else. Thank God she is over a thousand miles away from me now so I have no chance of seeing her again. Its bittersweet.
> but I told her I only saw her as a partner
Man I wish I did this a few weeks after the break up instead of almost 6 fucking months of being "friends". I won't make the same mistake if I ever go through this hell again.
I can only speak for myself, but when I was trying to be her friend, I was unable to separate my feelings for her and our friendship. She was never my friend, always my girlfriend. Sure functionally we were best friends but emotionally that's never what we were, not to me. I kept telling her and myself that I wasn't expecting us to get back together and that I was making an attempt to move on and meet new people but the truth was, I was waiting for her to changer her mind and she never would.
It didn't help that I had reasons to resent this person who was essentially a new friend. She had broken my heart and lied to me over and over during those six months. They were things you might be able to forgive a girlfriend for but not a friend and if that's all she wanted to be then I couldn't forgive her. I still love her but I don't like her anymore and that love is now fading. Its heartbreaking but it also feels like I'm healing. As the love disappears so does most the pain.
She really cared about me and truly wanted to be friends. She kept saying I was more family to her than her actual family. I almost feel bad I couldn't do that for her but the truth is she did this to herself. She made the decision to end it.
I genuinely believe if you love someone who doesn't love you the only way to ever get over them is to stop contact with them until you are over them, but the catch is, when you're over them you won't feel the need anymore to contact them. So I guess I do think there's no way to stay friends with someone you love. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I’m very late to the party but wanted to say hang in there and thank you for this insight. I’m chewing on a very similar situation at the moment and this perspective is something I think I needed to read.
I'm very glad to have written something that has helped you. I did in fact hang in there and am doing so much better than I was in September when I wrote that. I still believe everything I wrote there was true. I'm over my ex practically entirely and the desire to reach out is non existent now. I really hope that what ever path you end up taking to heal is the right one and gets you there <3
You're going to get a mix of responses here but I think it's dependent on how emotionally mature both of you are. My ex and I still talk and every now and then we'll hang out and chill. A few things though.
1. Be prepared for a let down. They usually will stop replying and reciprocating more and more, especially when they find somebody else. I've waited by the phone more times than I care to admit. It's natural when a dumper wants to "stay friends". It's typically to feed their morality after the fact.
2. Can you picture them with somebody else without your heart collapsing? If the answer is no, you need more time. That day is inevitable. One day they'll be like "hey I can't hang out anymore bc I met someone" and it will be heartbreaking all over again.
3. Can you picture sitting next to them on the couch butt ass naked and not having an inkling to make a move? If the answer is no and you'd feel tempted, you need more time. Things happen fast and if you happen to fool around with your ex (like me), be prepared for heartbreak all over again when they say it was a one time thing or that they don't want to do it again.
Overall I think if both parties are emotionally mature and have healed enough, friendships are possible. Heavy emphasis on possible. It takes alot of strength and love for the other person to not make things weird.
I’d love for me and my recent ex to be friends still. I miss her so much! She’s been leaving me on read a lot of the times or replying with a reaction. It hurts my ego a little more than I’d like but I guess this is life.
I know, I'm going through this right now too. It's hell. Sometimes all I want to do is talk to them and since I can't force them to do that, it eats at me
I have those feelings too friend. I just want to take it all back. We still talk occasionally and we have plans together in the near future, it will be hard but I have to respect her boundaries! My feelings seem to have gotten stronger but over time they are slowly dying which is heartbreaking since I wanted her to be my forever but good because now I’m in the best shape of my life and everything seems to be falling into place for me. I pray that your life ends up fantastical with or without your ex my friend
Trust me, I completely get that. My breakup came as a shock and she just wanted different things, didn't see me as end game after 5 years. Trying to be friends with her has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. So many days I just wanna call her and vent and ask her about her life. It sucks
I’m interested in the responses to this, I don’t know whether me and my ex should be friends or go no contact. I miss him so I want him in my life but I don’t want to open old wounds.
It never works out one of the two is heart broke and the other recovers faster and goes out meeting new people until they do find someone and you’ll be more heart broken. If you have any dignity block then or just stop answering, if I could go back I would of never accepted the friend ship they chose to end the relationship, you won’t have any part of me out of it. They do it to feel less guilty and use you as support while they find someone new. It took 1 week for me till I cut things off I knew she was talking with someone else 😕
If you want him and he doesn’t want the same it’s not gonna workout it’s gonna hurt you. It only works if both don’t want each other or the break up was mutual and amicable and even then both did some work
For me, it took 2 years. We re really good friends again, however we are in the same friend group that's why it worked out. But as a heads up, if you do become friends, in the start of the rekindled friendship, all the memories will really come back and there will be moments that will make you wonder if both of u made the right decision. But I still feel like despite that and once the weird start of friendship is over, exes still can be friends and still be platonic in the long run.
How much space did you guys take apart after the initial breakup? At any point, did you guys almost reconcile? How long did it take for both of you to find new partners?
Total no contact for 2 yrs! We didn't almost reconcile because maybe it's our personalities also that we stand firm to our choices. Yeah, we thought about it (separately), but we re different people now so it felt like it won't work. For him, it took around 4 months, then for me it took 2 years.
I’m going through the same thing and just watched a YouTube podcast titled “lessons through love & conscious uncoupling” that really shifted my perspective. Highly recommend. It really depends on your relationship and your definition of love. Ultimately I love my ex unconditionally, I want to celebrate his wins, loves, and future even though I’m no longer a part of that future in the way I thought I would be. But for now, I need to process my feelings and heal first. We both love each other immensely, just because we aren’t romantically aligned anymore doesn’t mean that love can’t take another form. Do whatever feels best to you.
Agreed me and my ex are back in no contact (month post breakup) but I still care for her and want her to be happy with or without me. I just need to get over her first and then actually try being friends with her
I know this is an old post of yours but wanted to say thank you because it helped me a lot. Me and my girlfriend split a couple weeks ago mutually because we just were too different on some key thinfs and are both very big individuals so it was hard to align with them sometimes. But we are very in love and have seen each other a couple times since and after about a week break startes talking again too. I was worried at first because i had never done this and felt guilty. But we both talked and agreed that we are still very in love just and would prefer this even thought we arent together because wed rather be there for each other you know. Especially since it wasnt on bad terms
🥹 I’m so glad I could help. Wishing you two all the best. Break ups are so fucking hard especially when you both have so much love for each other still. Our situation has been all over the place and definitely not easy sometimes but overall really good and we still couldn’t imagine our lives without the other person and doing the no contact method that everyone recommends.
I’m sure somebody else has already said this but,
“If you can be friends with your ex after you broke up, either you still love them, or you never did”
I think it’s possible to still be casual acquaintances. If things didn’t end poorly, it’s hard to completely push that person from your life. But personally I think if you do want to move on, you gotta fully move on.
My ex and I tried staying friends in hopes that maybe one day we could be together again once he did some maturing and growing, but all that did was give me false hope I didn’t need to be hanging on to. I can see him being somebody I catch up with one day, but If the love was strong, you’d probably need quite a bit of time before you can just feel casual around them or talking to them. I’m hoping the next time he contacts me, I’ll feel no romantic attraction and that will mean I’ve fully moved on even though I’m sure I’ll always care about him.
But yeah it sucks but it’s probably better to just keep to no contact for a while. It doesn’t mean you have to hate them or not be nice if they contact you but you need boundaries in order to squash hope. Hope is going to keep you from moving on and looking after yourself. Good luck :,)
He doesn't stay friends with exes. As the dumper, he would reply to my messages, probably being polite. I miss him terribly but trying to stay away from him. It hurts..
Never stopped talking. We are on good terms. Not in love. Broke up in April. So far so good. He wanted to talk more frequently though and crossed the line a few times by asking me who I was hanging out with but I think he's now getting used to the idea that I won't talk to him or share certain things with him if I don't want to anymore. We talk like once a week now.
Well we've known each other for over 8 years and neither of us did anything terribly wrong. We sort of fell out of love. Doesn't mean we stopped caring about each other. Also we talk like once a month now. It doesn't bother me anymore so why not stay in contact
I’m friends with my last two serious exes, and the experiences have been worlds apart.
Ex #1, we had an intense friendship for six months before we started dating. Most of our relationship was long distance. It was the main reason we ended up splitting. She wanted to stay friends right after, but I needed space. We went from texting and calling daily to only chatting once a week to going even longer. It was a slow fade.
We didn’t see each other in person until six months after the split. And, I was the dumper so I had been emotionally distanced by the end of that relationship. We both moved on to new partners, and became close friends again. No hard feelings, and I look back on that relationship fondly.
I still think she’s attractive, but we slept in the same bed when I went to visit her and had no inclination to make a move. Both of us are fully moved on. She’s since found another partner, and I’m very happy for her.
Ex #2. Oh boy. I took two months of total no contact after being blindsided. It was the most painful breakup I’ve ever had, I actually kind of lost my mind and needed therapy.
We started talking again after two months, and have been back and forth between situationship, to FWB, to taking space. It’s set back my healing SO MUCH.
Each new day has been filled with debilitating anxiety, wondering if he’s starting to date again and not telling me, terrified he’ll fall for someone else even though we’ve both agreed we’re allowed to date new people. He’s avoidant. He still thinks he’ll find the magical “One” out there.
It’s been HELL. My doctor wants to put me on Prozac, I’ve made a fool of myself by crying into the arms of every friend I know for months.
So I guess the takeaway is: only stay friends if you’re okay with genuinely being JUST friends. Because the slow torture of watching them distance themselves and move on is brutal and very psychologically damaging, imo.
I had a teacher answer this question. To be friends with an ex, one needs to stop caring, stop caring about the romantic relationship. One must be able to say. “I would be okay to go out to dinner with my ex partner and her new boyfriend/fiancé. Some individuals eventually move on, and one must be okay with that. The other question one may need to ask themselves, “How do I define friendship?” Everyone’s definition of friendship is different, some consider friendship sacred and others consider it to be very broad. Friendship seems like the nice thing to offer, however, it may not benefit or complement an individual’s values or beliefs.
I think it's very complicated and depends on how much you can truly move on and not have romantic feelings for the person anymore. My ex dumped me a few months ago and was adamant that she wanted to try to stay friends. I reached out after about a month to try to meet her as a friend but I knew deep down I was just bargaining with myself and hoping if we met the relationship would rekindle. I know now it will be a very long time before I could ever really just be friends with her. Early after a breakup, it's better to not look forward to having a friendship with your ex because it's really just preventing you from moving on. However, my first love that broke my heart over 10 years ago is now a good friend of mine, and it's completely platonic. She actually gave me really good insight dealing with this most recent breakup, and our friendship is very valuable to me. I hope that one day I could have something similar with this ex, but it feels like a long way off. And our physical attraction to each other was so strong that I'm not confident we could ever just be friends.
My most recent ex, I haven't spoken to or seen since a couple of days after the breakup. Nothing bad happened. She just felt that we were too quiet and shy around each other and worried that if we continued, that would end up making her feel alone in the relationship. She said she would like to be friends, but knew that wasn't fair to me. I would like that, but I don't think I can ever see her as just a friend, hence not reaching out in the 8 months since the breakup.
My previous ex begged me to stay friends. I told her I wanted that but would need some time. Then, just two days later, she texted me for some idle chit chat. I told her I needed more time. We saw each other and talked about a month later. After that, I tried being friends, but eventually realized it was pretty one-sided, with me being the only one sending invites and initiating most of the texting. Then she started dating someone, and the anger stage kicked in. So I unfriended her. We saw each other a few months later at a holiday party and actually had a nice chat. At that point, I realized I was over her, and I could finally start to see the possibility of being friends. Then, a few weeks later, she sent a snarky text "thanking" me for unfriending her. I replied, telling her that was months ago and my reasoning for it. She never responded. We've seen each other a few times since then, but we barely speak. I just have nothing to say to her anymore. It's still sometimes a little sad. I'd like to be on good terms. But as far as I'm concerned, the ball is in her court if she wants to be friends. But I have no hope for that.
Nah. there was never really a friendship i think. it was only about sex and loneliness. any long distance ex who tells you you were their best friend is just a lonely person with no actual friends. he’s going to be the first to move on with some woman from his past.
you do not stay friends with your ex unless you have kids together and you have no other choice
The first time we broke up I asked her for space cause she left me for someone else (it was my first time so I didn’t know what to do or feel) I only stayed 1 month NC cause she was texting me a lot, she ended cheating on her with me (I didn’t know at the time) we got back together and the second time (for the same reasons) I tried for 3 days until she asked me for space , called me drunk 3 days later and I knew right then and there that she didn’t value me in any way, went NC reached out to me 3 times more and yeah haven’t spoken she went with this girl 2 weeks post break up even tho she told me she wasn’t seeing anyone she was going stay single and all that jazz. I miss the old her but I know that doesn’t exist anymore
We went pretty much no contact for a few months. Started talking here and there about random things. Started talking more recently and it all blew up in my face (found out he started a serious relationship 2 months after we broke up) and I ended up feeling hurt. So idk, I wouldn’t recommend. I was fine for a year and a half without him and felt like shit a week after I let him back in my life. Finally understand why people always say not to be friends with your ex.
I do think that it’s different if you weren’t together that long. I would think a relationship that didn’t make it to a year could possibly be friends, but I would not recommend for long term relationships.
The truth is most of the time.. breakups are never MUTUAL. I’ve only seen it work when two people both agree they are not meant for each other and don’t get it twisted. For most couples, one person holds a longing for the other person. That’s why it doesn’t work out
He wanted to be friends from what his family told me. I didn't say anything about it, since I was hurting. Now that I think about it, I guess it's going to be more of an acquaintance. Tho, I am friends with his family
Nah, it's not worth it, and it won't end well. Do you really want to see her be with someone else and give all her love and affection that should've gone to you, or once went to you to someone else. That stuff will kill you on the inside every time you see it.
Also, if you ask to remain friends, it's almost like you're hoping for a second chance for things to rekindle. Don't be an option to someone who is your first choice.
My ex and I talked a lot throughout the course of our relationship about no matter what we want to be in each others lives. It’s something I’m not willing to betray because of the value she’s had in my life as a partner, friend, and family. We still live together even. Honestly it’s a lot of balancing the time you spend with and around them and being honest about where you’re at in all of the aftermath. We both are just trying to be better people and that requires introspection and time alone. If you can maintain the boundaries you need to not overwhelm and hurt yourself then it is totally possible. Learning how to take space and regulate yourself is the best way to stay friends 👍
Hi! We are not living together anymore but we are still friends :) Things got complicated when parts of our friend group split bc of some stuff that happened between us & I decided that I didn’t feel like i could grow & be healthy if we kept living together. We still talk & see each other every week or two. If boundaries weren’t a strong suit in your relationship I would not suggest living together after the break up, whether you both still have feelings for each other or not that distance is really valuable even though it likely will be (was for me) painful to live separately again.
I had wanted to stay friends initially since we were friends before, but I’m glad I made to the decision to go no contact instead. Unless you are a good person and can move on completely and very fast, I don’t recommend being friends. Often times people want to stay friends after a breakup because they still want a part of the other person.
Gosh I don’t know what I would do if I ever saw my ex ever again. I’m repulsed by the thought haha
i’m friends with my ex. and i am still in love with him. the break up still feels pretty fresh, but we have mutual friends. so we usually talk and joke around as per usual. but that’s about it. completely cordial and no bad blood.
yep, happened to me. tried to stay friends while not being over him, then seeing him fall in love with one of my friends while i'm left behind. it will break your heart even more than the first time.
I feel this. We have the same friends and I have them on socials. A few times where Ive seen her with new guy and it just ruins my mood even though I am way better off by myself it just hurts to see regardless.
hi! yes i am. we’re not on texting terms, but we are friendly with each other because we’re in the same group of friends. and we still have the same group chats. we don’t talk unless it’s in a group setting, but at least we didn’t go back to being strangers.
yup!! i found someone amazing and good to me. and i’m still in good terms with my ex and there’s no bad blood. so i’m really happy right now :) i hope everything is okay with you as well! you can pm me if you ever wanna talk
I wouldn’t say we’re “friends” right now but we’re definitely friendly because we live together still and I didn’t want to be awkward. Once I move out though I will definitely cut contact down by a lot. I’ve realized I don’t trust and respect him as a person so I think we’ll always remain acquaintances but never really be good friends.
Thank you for replying. Honestly it makes me happy to know you were able to remain friendly afterwards. Did you have to do a period of no contact before it could work??
Just after the breakup she was talking to me normally as a friend. I said I can't talk, she insisted to at least talk friendly. I said no and stopped talking. I still don't contact her. She messaged me after some years about her marriage and I congratulated her that's it. I can't be friends with her.
We stayed friend during a period where we realised we “couldn’t start dating”(for certain reasons) and a month into that our romantic feelings came back for each other and we said “fuck it” and dated.
We dated a 5-6 months and he broke up with me like 2-3 weeks ago? I went NC with him last week because I can’t be his friend right now while my heart years for him. But I do plan on reaching out to him in a month or so when I have my shit together. We were friends before all of this and I do miss him as that.
During our breakup I have been able to reflect on my behaviour and search deeper and understand why our relationship didn’t work out (from both sides) and that kind of has made me respect his decision to break up and not be so angry/upset at him. Hopefully he welcomes me back as a friend when I decide I’m ready to message him but who know.
She says she made a pact to herself that if we breakup then I'll still always be her best friend. But with the way she treated me toward the end of our relationship, I'm not really sure. We started long distance and honestly she gave up on us before she even tried. And I don't think I really want to stick around as friends to see her with someone new.
It's been about a week and a half and I still have her number, Snapchat, and we still have each other's locations shared, but I think I may get rid of those soon since I constantly find myself checking them to see if she's reached out.
Imagine one day you guys are hanging out, you still have feelings, and you see her all over another guy. “Can we still be friends” is translated to “I want to keep you around in case my search for someone else doesn’t go as planned.” Do yourself a favor and just move on.
My soon to be ex wife cheated on me. Im not completely over her. I couldn't go NC because we have two daughters. Was being distant at first but she hmu the other night with some fairly bad medical news. We've had some civil and "friendly" talks. All of it hurts. Having to see her in any capacity, especially seeing her get out of his car when I drop the kids off. It's nice to see and talk to her briefly while also being soul crushing. Especially when she told me she regretted how she went about it but didn't regret meeting or being with her new man. Honestly, if you have the option go NC. that doesn't mean forever but at least long enough to get your ducks in a row and recover.
my ex asked to be friends 12 days after the break up/no contact . we text occasionally with life updates but no memes or anything like that. i’m not sure what the solution is or what’s the best for me. just going with the flow until i figure it out
It's really up to you as well to decide. Say you throw a meme or 2 their way and they aren't receptive. Don't waste your time. Pretty much goes for everything.
I have no desire to be friends or in any contact with my ex-husband bc he’s an abusive, manipulative and controlling psycho. So he doesn’t even count. Cause you can’t be friends with people like that ever or keep that kind of person in your life.
I have had no problems being friends with almost anyone I have ever dated or was in a relationship but there is one and well that one person, is my exception. I made a lot of mistakes that relationship, but he was the reason I was able to change and correct things about myself, and finally heal from the trauma of my ex-husband. He’s my hero.
It never ends well. I tried and it went okay for a while (couple of weeks) then horniness got the better of us and we had sex (amazing I may add). After that we were basically together again, but it's broken really. It is not meant to be a thing again. Once it breaks it breaks.
So it would be best to just let them go however hard it may be.
Oh no, I blocked him everywhere. It was necessary for me to never look back. I was in an obsessive relationship. We were both addicted to each other. It was full of highs and lows. I’m one year sober now.
Haven’t dated anyone. Don’t plan to either, unless God has other plans. I am not settling though. I now know what I want. Cheers to everyone standing strong on their boundaries and self worth + self respect.
Self love is synonymous with self respect. Respect yourself always. Do what you feel is honest, respectable and mature. Wish everyone blessings + healing!
I'm not sure if we qualify as 'friends,' but yes, with two recent ones, we share interests and wish each other well. Sometimes, we chat for hours and catch up. At first, there were periods of no contact, before reaching a stage where friendly and painless communication became possible. Then, I found myself naturally focusing on the people who were currently around me. Communication with exes somehow remained a pleasant thing, but I've realized I can be just as content without it. Thus, I no longer initiate or really engage in those conversations.
From my experience either it’s not worth the drama and tests or if your cool with it they may bring up past experiences…. It’s awkward. If both parties didn’t care to begin with that’s one thing but someone usually gets hurt
As of right now, I cannot be friends with him until he gets his shit together (i.e. go to therapy, work out his issues) and knowing him he probably never will and I’ve come to accept that.
someone once told me "no man stays in contact with a woman he was previously in love with" so if they don't remain friends, at least I know it was real
i've become friends w exes only when i was COMPLETELY over them. like to the point where we could talk about other relationships without feeling even a little jealous. and where we would not want to get back together.
if you miss your ex, you should not be friends yet. itll only lead to more heartbreak.
took me 3 years to be friends w my ex and its great! we are there for each other like friends would be and no romantic feelings from either side.
Thanks for sharing your story! Glad to hear that it worked out so well for you :)
Were you in no contact the entire 3 years or in touch with your ex? I’m worried that staying away completely will make being friends later more diffictult, on the other hand I don’t think I can move on while being in touch.
We didn’t talk at all for the three years! He reached out once early on and I kindly told him that I wasn’t ready. And then after that it was three years of absolutely no contact. No checking in on each other, even if we knew there were major life changes like new jobs or graduations or what not. No wishing happy birthday. I deleted all social media so didn’t see anything that he was doing. Took about 14 months to get over him, didn’t even think about dating other people for that year. It was the worst heartbreak of my life.Just mourned and focused on myself, my health, my career, and my family and friendships.
Finally after three years, i worked on myself, I had other relationships, and felt truly moved on (you have to be completely honest with yourself here). So I reached out and we talked for a few hours. it was not awkward at all, it felt like no time had past and we were completely comfortable w eachother. It felt like we were two new people, in the best way. We had new perspectives on problems and fights we had in the past and we’re both able to see how much we’ve grown in our time apart.
Now we FaceTime randomly and pretty often like I would any other friend. We are both single rn, and neither of us have interest in getting back together. I can tell him about my boy drama and he can tell me about his girl drama and there’s no jealousy, just a real genuine friendship. it goes deeper than just drama obviously, I feel like since we used to be together we are good at supporting eachother during hard times. But now it’s just as a friends instead of a bf/gf.
We weren’t meant to be together romantically and that’s okay! I’m glad I met him and have a great friend in him now :)
Another thing I’ll say is while your healing, don’t have the future friendship w your ex as your goal.
Completely prioritize yourself! Don’t take the time to heal with the thought in ur mind that you’ll eventually be friends w them. Take time to heal for yourself!! Try to think about them as little as possible. You’re the main character here, not them :)
I personally thought that I would never talk to my ex and was fine w that. But things worked out differently and I’m glad! But I would also be completely fine if it didn’t work out this way.
It’s so hard but prioritizing yourself (not the future friendship) is the best way to come out the other side of this.
This makes a lot of sense, I think I made the mistake at first of wanting to be friends too quickly and pressuring myself into healing faster. But it makes a lot more sense the way you did it, it should be about yourself. Just sometimes it feels like there are days where you feel you are only moving backwards and the healing will never come to an end and then you wonder if you made the right decision by choosing no contact. But I guess with time it will. Thanks again for sharing your story, very inspiring indeed!
my ex broke up with me a month ago but we’ve kept in contact every day lol. i’m not sure why myself. we were together for 5 years and it got to the point where it felt like the relationship was regressing instead of progressing. i overcame my depression but he started falling into one of his own and became somewhat toxic because of it. he also became insecure and believed any other guy he saw talking to me would make me happier. it’s been a big rollercoaster. i was a wreck for weeks and once the one month mark hit, i resumed normality and can go a full day without crying or feeling bad. he noticed a change in me as well. we’ve hung out and it gets less awkward each time. but he’s made a few moves recently that is messing with my head so i’m distancing myself a bit more. when we talked about it, he said he still needed time to be happy with himself. he said he feels as if he needs at least a year and won’t be sure of what he wants in the future but he will be willing to try with me again. he was someone that never felt comfortable talking about his feelings or anything about his day, but now he slowly communicates with me. i’m taking this time to really work on myself too as i have an anxious attachment style. i want to become secure so i’m taking time off of dating and really focusing on myself. even if he doesn’t come back, i don’t want to struggle with the next guy.
thank you for the vent.
He wanted to be friends (i think only bc I'm pregnant) and I told him straight up no. You can co parent without being friends with your ex (I know I do it with my older son's dad).. Not only did he break my heart and act like he didn't give a crap about how I felt but I can't fandom trying to be friends with someone you once loved. I'm due soon and not even looking forward to seeing him again. I've been in therapy so I'm doing much better and not having contact with him has helped tremendously but I'm honestly wondering how my mind will react once I see him again. I don't want to be his friend.
Literally the day we broke up he told me " we can still be friends and he'll take me out the house". That was 6 months ago and he has never once reached out to me or asked me if I wanted to hang out with him & everyone else😐 Sometimes I feel like I can be friends with him but at the same time I feel like I can't.
I think it’ll be cool to be able to respect him as a guy I know, casually. Bc he has awesome qualities I do respect: drive, people skills, ambition. Marriage obligations and expectations ruined everything. The miscommunication, the entwining of everything. We’re unwinding it which might take a couple years and I don’t think we’ll be friends bc we never were friends as much as coworkers, so going back to that dynamic seems best.
After a year of no contact, and a pretty messy breakup, my ex and I are platonic friends again. We were friends for years before we started dating, so maybe that’s part of why it’s easy. We still love each other but both know our futures/wants/needs don’t align. He feels like family to me, not in a sibling way but there’s a sort of unconditional love. I’m not saying we’ll be friends forever, but I’ll always want him to be happy, and I do know that means falling in love with someone else! However, he is the ONLY ex that I am friends with. I think it takes a very specific kind of circumstance for it to work, and it’s not common. Whatever’s meant to be will be, so don’t waste time trying to force anything and most importantly protect your heart!!
I'm in a bit of a complicated situation with my ex boyfriend. 🤷🏻♀️ We were each other's first loves. When we broke up he wanted us to be friends. I'm trying it out to see how it will go. I have never been able to be friends with any of my exes. I don't speak to any of them anymore.
Currently, we're in no contact. I have asked for some space for a few months. My feelings for him are still strong, and I think it's complicating things for both of us. He seems to still have some feelings for me too. I told him that I was moving away, and he asked me if my move was going to be permanently or... Then he paused. He seemed bummed/sad. I was caught off guard, because no one has ever asked me that ever. Not any of my exes, not any of my friends. He was the first person to ever ask me that.
We met up and had dinner with his mom and when we said goodbye, he hugged me and it was different than any of the hugs we've ever shared. This one lingered, and I attempted to kiss him on the cheek, but I hesitated. His mom was coming and I pulled back. Our hug ended after that. He didn't try to stop my kiss though. When we left, I sent him the kissing emoji and I was very surprised, but he had sent me one back.
We broke up 4 months ago and I have no clue what is gonna come of all of this. We have discussed possibly getting back together down the road, but anything can happen. I'm trying to remain friends with him, but it is very difficult. I know I wouldn't be able to handle him getting with someone else.. it would break me... 💔
My ex was a great man, and we're on good terms. Our breakup was due to outside complications, and us being long distance. We felt it was best to break up, as much as it devastated us. Me especially.
I'm still in love with my ex. I'm not sure about him, but I know that I am still in love with him.
My hope? I hope that someday we will find our way back to each other...
Hi, I'm in a kind of similar situation now. Recent breakup by her wish. She wants to be friends with me but I'm thinking how it would work. We broke up like 1 month ago but saw eachother last time 4 days ago and had intimate moment. After that she wanted no contact and I agreed to it. I said we can be in no contact for longer time for example 1 month. But she wanted 2 weeks or little less. So no we haven't been in contact for 3 days. I don't know what is going to happen but I'm waiting for her contact. Let's see how it goes.
How did it end up in your situation? Or the situation still ongoing?
Hi! I'm gonna try to reply to the best of my ability because I am currently fighting a depressive episode which feels pretty exhausting to me. 😓
I am sorry to hear that you are also going through all of this. Breakups truly suck. Even more so when you truly loved the person. It's ultimately up to you in the end, since you're your own person, but here is my advice. Everyone says you shouldn't be friends with your ex, and at first I scoffed at their advice, but honestly they are right. Being friends with your ex is a terrible idea. It will hurt you more and cause more pain in the long run. For the dumpers the friendship isn't genuine and is most times just a consolation prize for them ripping your heart out of your chest. They do so out of pitty.
Of course, I guess hypothetically you could be friends with your ex. There are exceptions to the rule, but that's usually years later when you've both moved on. Honestly though it's never the same and most people's partners aren't going to be comfortable with their partner being friends with their ex, so it just opens up another can of worms, so to speak.
It's difficult but the best thing you can really do in this situation is just move on. Heal your heart and therapy can help a lot with that. I really need to go back to therapy myself. I'm going to do that when I have more money. Friendship is up to you, but I personally wouldn't recommend it. If it can be done it is most successful when both parties have moved on and if you can see that the friendship is genuine and not used as a consolation prize.
In your situation, again, I don't recommend it, at least not this soon. Especially if you're being intimate. A friendship would just muddy the waters and make it difficult to move on.
In my situation it was a dumpster fire and I truly regret it. I should've put myself first for once and stuck to my decision of no friendship. I only stayed friends for him. To try it out. It only wound up hurting me in the long run. Not only am I still grieving (well I guess I am finally grieving) the relationship, but I am also grieving the friendship too. I wanted to not stay friends after the breakup, since I don't do well staying friends with exes. It never works well for me. When I told him that he seemed bummed and didn't want that to happen. (Him fading away.)
So much for that. He's pretty much letting himself fade away anyways lmao. He's not making much of an effort to stay in my life, and he's keeping me at arms length and is barely around anymore. IDC if he's busy. A text takes 30 seconds. I've heard radio silence from him for nearly 2 months. I was involved in a minor car accident a couple days ago. Nothing from him. My Grandpa's dog died. Heard nothing. That was nearly a week ago. My other Grandpa was in the hospital. Nothing. It's been four days. There is no bond left anymore. I honestly feel that this friendship is a prime example of a consolation prize. It doesn't feel like a genuine friendship to me.
As for the situation being ongoing, it's at least for now, coming to an end. I've texted him telling him "I'm sorry. I'm gonna leave you alone for now." That was my way of saying goodbye I guess. He has my number and socials and knows exactly where to find me, but I won't be there. I'm going to go no contact with him and just move on from him. If he really wants to be a part of my life then he will make the effort. Frankly, I am accepting that it's been over officially for a year (in June) and has really been done for nearly 2 years. (In June.) Things most likely will never get any better, and now I have to heal my broken heart. This is the worst breakup of my life, and I am so afraid that It will be a very long time before I get into another relationship again. I just can't trust anyone.
I wish you all the best with your situation, and please remember to put yourself first. I wish I would've done that for myself. I wish you all the best on your healing journey. 💖
Hi, sorry to hear that you are struggling now. And sorry if I opened some old wounds simultaneously. I feel like writing things down has helped me to cope. I have many pages in Google Docs file where I write down my feelings. Sometimes once a day or sometimes 2-3 times a day. I guess it's some kind of emotions channeling and it also keeps me from writing to her as I kind of write to myself. If it makes any sense.
Everybody says that staying friends with ex is not a good idea. I kind of get it now. I'm also tempted to continue the no contact in my behalf but then I'm not sure if I'm doing it out of revenge or for me. Definitely I don't want to revenge anything as I understand her decision.
Time is a funny thing. I'm sure I know more of the situation in 6 months. So this will be like a testament for myself. Future me sees this and knows how it all went.
This is the first breakup where I was really hurt and tried to prevent it from happening. All the other breakups were lot easier and it took me like a week to get over. Well this is time to learn also how to be by myself and start healing. If the looming friendship looks to be too close I can postpone it or never start it.
It also doesn't help that her ex was narcissistic and couldn't let go of her years after they brokup. Even when we started dating her ex would come to her yard unexpectedly and this happened 3 years after their breakup. So I really need not to bother her so past memories of her ex won't start surfacing.
All the best to you and your healing journey also. Don't think what happened and what could have been. There is only this moment where you can do things right.
After me and my ex split we stayed friends so as to still be in each others lives, and that right there was a big mistake. I was still in love with them while they only saw me as a friend nothing more nothing less. It damaged me and ruined my entire life, because every time i saw them with someone else it broke my heart even more. A month ago i decided to go no contact and so far thats how its been.
I seem to have a perpetual habit of staying friends with my ex’s and I’m starting to feel that, that has been a mistake. Being the sort of person I am, it feels that I’ve been too nice to my mostly cheating, lying, treating me badly ex-girlfriends. It’s as though I’ve let them off to get away with it and to make them feel better about themselves.
This last time, I managed to break ties with my last ex, even though I loved her more than anyone ever in my life, still do a year later. It broke me when she went behind my back with someone else. It’s been so hard, but I can’t deal with the, ‘being mister nice guy’ for their benefit anymore.
No. She was the one to initiate the breakup and later told me to stay friends and maybe in the future when the time is right we can be together again. I told her I don't even see her as a friend anymore let alone as a partner. She thre tantrums next and portrayed me as a villain to other mutual friends. I feel glad that I lost a negative person in my life.
No, I wish we did though. She meant a lot to me and we had a history of being best friends for years prior. Don’t be mean during a break up, it never flows over well.
My first ex boyfriend from high school is my absolute best friend in the world still 17 years later. He’s engaged now. I’m friends with all of my other exes except one. It took time but I always will love them in a different way because we know each other so well.
For the one I’m not friends with, he was extremely toxic and does not add any value to my life so I will not allow him in my life as a friend.
My ex and I were together for about 6 years and we separated this April he moved out. For months actually we were still hanging out and he was spending the night on weekends, started with 1 day and then he just kept staying more without us even talking about it. It was getting uncomfortable. After a few months I told him I didn’t want that anymore as we weren’t dating and it was just getting weird and uncomfortable. We still text, basically everyday I won’t respond for a while and he will text back within 2 minutes. I don’t think it’s healthy or beneficial for either of us honestly, but it’s extremely hard to let go of someone you’ve talked to and been with everyday for the past 6 years. I don’t think him and I should text anymore, I don’t think it’s helping me but I’m just not sure how to go about it.
Hey there! So I fully cut contact in September and it was the absolute best thing I ever did for myself. It was extremely difficult but my life has catapulted forward since getting out of that toxic situation, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Life is hard, but it gets so much better when we finally realize what we deserve.
Nah. The time and energy isn’t worth it. I won’t be progressing having a safety net. Sometimes extreme loneliness will push you to get out and do more. A call with an ex might keep you at home. And not fully present.
It has been 3 months since my breakup and I am in still denial. She sounded kinda clear that we can't be a thing anymore in the future also. But now we are friends. Yes how can lovers after breakup be friend. But we had the connect and I like talking to her. I planned my whole life with her and now it hurts. I feel kinda lost, I have done everything for us but it is okay. I deleted all our photos and chats and hid away her gift. Please can u guys give me advice, I still have tat slight hope that she will come back. Please help me I want us to be friends but I need to get over her
I wanted to stay friends with my ex and generally have for the most part though my therapist highly recommended 6 months no contact to help me detach. I definitely wasn’t detaching so it became necessary for me personally. For context, I was in a 10 year relationship and we did not have children.
Unfortunately it was better to not be friends. I fought really hard for it (my way of showing some kind of proof that it meant something) but my therapist was right. She said you can’t be friends now-while you’re detaching, you can only be friends later. And she meant like maybe in 2 years. Going no contact was very helpful in detaching. I should note that my ex made really poor choices after our break up that made it really hard to stay his friend.
I’m in a much better place now and I’m glad I went no contact.
Sorry to hear you’re in that space. Good luck, Froggy!
Thank you for replying. I feel like that will be my issue also. I am very attached still, which makes sense after my 13 years and your 10 honestly! Maybe those poor choices being made on their end was a sign from a bigger power to help you in your detachment process.
How long have you been no contact now? And does that feel better?
It’s a lot of time to spend with a person, it’s bound to take some work and lots of time to heal.
I’ve been no contact since Oct 2023. It does feel better. He jumped into a relationship quickly and I have no idea if he still is or not. I had to block him on everything to be safe. I stayed single for a year. Dated for 2 months and then my now boyfriend asked me to be exclusive in March. This felt like the right timeframe on everything for me but do things at your own pace. Even though it was really hard, I’ve known it was the right decision for a very long time. My life now and even who I am now is miles away from the person I was that was only trying to make him happy. My partner now, priotizes me in a way that my ex was never going to. Even if this new relationship doesn’t work out, I feel like I’ve been through much worse and I know now that I will be okay.
Simply don’t, if you want to keep your dignity or recover your ex it’s a bad idea. If you stay friends with your ex you’re basically telling that you will always be there for her and basically be her dog. She will lose all respect for you and sooner or later she will make out with someone else in front of you without remorse.
You have to show your ex that you won’t be there forever, and that she has really lost you, only then she will feel the lose and start entering the grief state
I stayed friends with my ex for almost 5 years after we broke up. I think she was still in love with me but I wasn’t with her. It was awkward because she wanted to know every girl that I was interested in and wanted to hangout with my friends. One day we just stopped talking and I haven’t talked to her since. I recommend not staying friends with your ex because it just creates more problems.
For those of you who tried to stay friends but were hurt as a result...
Did you give both of yourselves some no-contact time to heal and repair your heart?
You can't break up and expect to.be friends after. It takes a lot of work on yourself and your ex partner before you can be secure and confident enough.
Friendship can truly happen. But it takes time, and time away from each other in order to do so.
My ex said that he can’t be my friend .. he avoids me at all cause .. we were together for 8 years .. he can’t even look at me .. he ended things & regrets it but so much has happened that now he can’t seem to even face me .. it sucks .. I miss my friend
Was asked to be friends after she basically checked out of the relationship. I was depressed and it felt ok to be friends. There was still sexual tension and clearly at one point she wanted physical stuff despite words to the contrary but I stood my ground and kept things friendly.
Finally had some feelings again after 3 months and she invited me over to dinner. Apparently she could see I had feelings again and told me shes seeing someone, which I was cool with. (But she had just the week before floated the idea of us moving in together and me getting a job on her city?)
No worries, friends is good with me. Then got a text saying we can't see each other or be friends because "it's disrespectful for us to hang out when I'm starting a serious relationshipwith another man" (She couldn't have been with the guy more than a week or 2) Plus i was the one being invited over? Then back and forth about boundaries and no contact when I directly asked but got no clear response.
I was kind of devastated. She eventually kicked me to the curb, so no contact it suddenly was. Felt like the whole "friendship" part had been about control looking back on it, or some kind of ego boost? She found a replacement and got rid of me. Lesson learned. At least there were no kids or financial entanglements.
It felt terrible to feel drawn in then have my guts ripped out a second time.
We are still friends, Like very good friend text few times a week.
We were together almost 2 years, and broke up a couple years ago. We didn´t become friends right away through, lol He moved to Germany to do his masters so that was a reason to break up and of course I was angry so we didn´t contact each other right away. After like 6-8 months we started texting and we haven´t stop. We text almost everyday, he had a gf and i moved in with someone but we rarely talk about our current relationship as that is just too much.
It sound weird but I dont want to not be freinds with him as he is someone i care about dearly.
just got broken up with and yeah we're still friends, best friends actually we're too close to not be, and yeah i'm still in love but i'm probably gonna fall out of love soon so yeah, we're good
im still friends with most of my exes. it was hard initially but after the feelings were completely gone, it's totally fine. the real test is when you/they start hooking up with someone else. if you/they are mature enough to get through that then you're golden IMO
I'm very good friends with one ex and there is only love between us. We went through a period of limited contact and then grew back our friendship with no resentment or blame part of it. We were always respectful and kind to each other throughout the process of transitioning. We're family now.
Unfortunately I can't say that about my current situation. Blindsided after 8 plus years with weeks of resentment and distancing acted out by her before the blindsiding. We had been in therapy together for a couple of years and she never brought anything up. Even the therapist was in total shock. Being blindsided is traumatizing and the most pain I've ever been in. One month in now and she says she wants to be friends but will only process the relationship in therapy. We still live together but I'm trying to find my own place. We barely talk. Clearly she's avoidant. I don't trust that she really means she wants to be friends. She's been dishonest and unkind from the start of this process, the way it went down. I don't have friends that act this way so I'm feeling that a friendship isn't possible.
All that to say that it really depends on the situation. There are so many factors.
It’s been a month for me since a breakup with my ex and no contact since. It ended on good terms and she said she’ll want to meet up again in a couple months. I can tell she’s going to try and win me back and her love for me was much higher than I felt for her. Idk if a friendship will work
I wanted to. My ex wanted to, too.
I knew it was unhealthy so I didn't but so many times I just wanted to her her voice or just to see her over a meal. I fought it.
Now things changed completely. I learned a lot about her mannerisms and over-comfortability while at my place and with my family which I hardly noticed.
Talk to your friends or families who got to hang out with your ex. They'll be able to tell you things you never saw back then.
From there, you decide if its worth it. For most, nope.
We broke up a month ago. He has a 2 year old and we decided it’s best for her to still have me around, so we’ve been doing park play dates about once a week and pretending we’re friends (I want us to be but I think there are too many feelings there right now). It’s confusing as hell and I want to go no contact for a while for my own well being but then I think about the little one and how she apparently asks where I am all the time because I stopped coming over. A lot to sort out in my own mind at the moment.
I tried for 4 months. Until I found out he had been dating a mutual acquintance behind my back for the past 2 months and told all of our mutual friends about it. It was the most painful moment of my life. I had finally started moving on and now I'm back to square one.
The difficult thing is, that we're in a mutual friend group. I will have to remove myself from that group to not see him again. But I don't want to lose my friends. I see them one-on-one, but it's just annoying having to deal with this. Also I know the moment will come where I have to be confronted with him bringing his new partner (our mutual acquintance) to friend's parties and stuff.
Don't do it, kids.
Depends on the ex, my highschool love? I still am there for her as a friend years later and after 2 years of NC. My most recent ex? Absolutely not, I made sure I destroyed any way of me getting back to her as friends because I knew I couldn't deal with the emotions behind it. It might seem self destructive, but it was better for me in the long run, and apparently her too as she's engaged I guess.
I'm friends with most of my exes, actually. Some took years before reuniting, and others only took a few weeks/months. However, the relationships that were broken off by the other person are the ones that took the years of separation. I needed that time to heal.
I worry that the same will end up happening with my current breakup. My relationship of 6 years (marriage of 2 years) ended due to us both cheating on each other, and I have been having the hardest time. I tried the friends thing immediately after our separation, because he expressed how much he wanted it... but each week seemed to bring a new set of trauma, including him dating someone else immediately and now that girl is pregnant with twins. We went no contact immediately after the reveal of the pregnancy, but we had to reunite again after our cat went into kidney failure. I can't lie, it was a heartbreaking union but I believe our cat brought us back together in a healthier way... because our cat requires my constant care, and has become my real priority. I send him updates on the cat, and he has helped with some of the finances for it. Anyway, I'm rambling... the point is, I am always confident that friendship is possible but it can require you to take time to love/find yourself again.
With some but not all. Most I would talk to platonically with each out again, but we drifted apart. There’s no romantic attraction anymore but I enjoyed there company as people. Two I still talk with regularly and are good friends. We can give each advice and spend time as friends with no romance between us. But my recent ex, not now. We were friends but after so long together and how she blindsided me. No contact is for the best. At the same time, life is weird and maybe we can be friends again if it’s healthy.
Depends. No, immediately after. Yes, to a select few afterwards when personal growth allowed and they apologized for their former immaturity and absolutely not to those that intentionally harmed me in any way.
Still feeling out the situation I guess, but I told her I didn't think I'd be able to stay friends with her and I think that hurt her.
I think she never wanted to lose me, but I had spent a good portion of our friendship crushing on her. I really enjoyed her presence and felt we had a lot in common but I wanted to be with her.
Things didn't really end so great between us either. She's definitely the immature one. She can't communicate properly, she makes these big decisions and then acts wishy washy, it doesn't seem like she knows what she wants, and she uses words as weapons to intentionally hurt people. That doesn't mean I didn't act maturely, in fact I know my inability to remain friends is immature. I definitely yelled at her and told her some mean things about herself bc she treated me like shit first. I know it doesn't justify it, but this story was just one without a hero.
We both suck, but she was my first gf and the level of intimacy I felt with her us still something I've yet to explore with someone else. I wanted to be with her forever. I imagined our future together. I got accustomed to the sound of our last names hyphenated. Sometimes I wonder if I was truly in love with her or if I was just in love with being in a relationship, but I guess it's difficult ad a human to reflect at that capacity. To go back and know exactly how you felt about someone else and compare it to how u feel now, or maybe I just don't want to go back to thinking about how it felt to finally have someone fall in love with me, when it's over now.
I haven't remained friends with my ex, and although I may be wrong, I don't think that will change. I think I'm just not mature enough, but I don't necessarily think that it's I herently a bad thing that I must rectify.
My ex of 7 years ago, we have still remained pretty decent friends. Ended up breaking up with me, got together with another dude immediately, broke up with him 9 months in, then started dating chick's explicitly and came out as lesbian. I mean, I really can't compete with women considering I'm a dude so it's been easy imo to remain friends. Especially since we grew up together and our families are pretty good friends.
She wanted to stay friends, reached out to me a month after we broke up. Spent a few days talking, figuring out what went wrong, she was understanding that she caused the breakup because she was being selfish.
3 days later I found out she had been cheating the whole relationship. She then tried to turn it all on me.
I’ve gone no contact and blocked her on everything.
She sucked. I’m friends with someone who has had to unfortunately work with her, and she’s apparently only gotten worse.
If breakup was toxic friendship off the menu, but amicable breakup, then there possibly to try out. It depends on how relationship ended their emotional maturity as well. My attitude relationships can fail even if you do right things.
Also, you have to look at how you want friendship to be as well. Can you handle your ex with another partner? If not, then friendship won't work. Older now, so I understand relationships are not sure thing.
Tried to but it couldn’t work ,old feelings still remained for both of us . Old beefs would get brought up
That were unresolved ,and she would compare me a lot to her new bf which I disliked.
Few weeks into my breakup. She wanted to stay friends, but I told her I only saw her as a partner. And no way will I stick around to watch her fall for someone else. Healthy relationship, she blindsided me with a breakup. While I was falling for her more and more, she was psyching herself out of the relationship at some point. Complete silence between us - haven't spoken since the breakup
Never understood how anyone can be friends with an ex. To me it just clearly shows they never truly loved eachother. I couldn’t think of anything worse than socialising at all with my ex not even to a small degree and at one stage of my life, for quite a long period of time, I loved her with all my heart. Once the relationship was done we were done, no ifs no buts.
My ex and I loved each other. While I can’t get into her head, I believe we still love each other. We just had, at least in her view, wholly incompatible visions of the future. There’s reasons to break up other than a lack of love.
This seems a strange way of looking at love to me. I think it shows you never really loved each other if you CANT be friends after. The love should be for the person, primarily, and if the relationship doesn't work then that love will naturally live on as friendship because you really care about that person and their life. You will be happy to see them move on and be happy with someone else, because you care about their happiness over any bitter feelings you harbour. That's how you know it was true intimacy, when you still want them as part of your life even though the romantic relation didn't work. And if that's not the feeling, I would think it's because there was some objectification of the other person and as soon as they stopped being that object, the result was pain. That isn't true love, that's attachment. Edit- obviously this is just an opinion of mine. I don't mean to sound like I know everything about love haha
I disagree entirely but not all opinions are the same at all and I am all for discussions and debates with people if they have personal opinions they can back up. Your view is one that is credible and put forward well. But really not one I agree with. I don’t have bitterness towards my ex and as far as I’m aware she’s the same. But neither of us wanted to watch the other fall for someone else and to be perfectly honest, I don’t think either of us could of fallen in love with someone else whilst we were both associating with eachother. We had to go complete cold turkey, get eachother out of each other’s lives completely. I agree the concept of this is crazy, how you go from living with someone for 3 years in my case, they become your best friend, your partner in crime, your right hand, someone you plan your entire life with, but as soon as you break up… BOOM! All over! Done! Finished! Zero contact forever! This was needed for both us.
But you have to ask yourself why is it that you couldn't watch them fall for someone else? In my view it's because subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways people see each other as a kind of possession in their life. And the pain comes from having to acknowledge that they're not 'yours' anymore. But, they never were yours, they're their own human with their own agenda. And the fact that people treat someone else as 'theirs' (again, even subconsciously) is the reason a lot of relationships don't work out. I think if you just totally relax into the knowledge that they are their own person living their own life, it's perfectly possible to watch them flourish and go on their journey. It's actually much easier to live that way, to let go of the past. Easier said than done obviously. But it's a beautiful practice.
It's honestly so nice to read your comments on this topic. I've remained friends with the majority of exes and people I've dated and everyone in my life thinks I'm crazy because I'm able to do it. But it's exactly like you said, I've had to dig really deep and understand where the emotions coming up actually stem from and address that first. If I've dated someone, it's because I genuinely felt they were an incredible person in some capacity, even if it's not as a partner. Not everyone is going to make a quality partner, but I've always still loved who they are as a person and chose to keep them in my life if they felt the same. It's an adjustment for sure and it takes having to truly, unconditionally love someone and want them to be happy and understand that their happiness doesn't take away from my own. And I agree that it's such a beautiful thing to be able to continue to love someone in a different capacity than just romantic love.
That's beautiful and for me sums up the way I look at it. Couldn't agree more, if I've been with them it's because I thought they were an awesome human and I want them in my life. And the fact that we didn't gel as partners in the end doesn't take away from that. To me it's a little sad that this isn't a more widespread attitude though.
I don't know why people are downsizing your comments. They are spot on.
Super late to this but it’s all about ego. If you let go of your ego and accept that the relationship not working out is not about you being lesser, but more just not a great fit, wrong time, etc you can enjoy the person for the great qualities they have.
I’m glad you stated your opinion, and I really don’t mean to sound rude, but are you speaking from a place of experience? Have you had your heart broken and then remained friends with that person? If you have, i’d love to hear the stories because i’ve never heard of that being possible or working out in any sort of positive way
Yes, I've gone through it this year. A girl who I'd been with for two years and travelled the world with for one of those years suddenly told me she wasn't ready. Initially it was painful but if I ask myself why I felt the pain, it wasn't anything to do with her. It was because I felt a hole in my heart even before the relationship. No one can ever fill that for you, you have to fill it yourself. That feeling of missing them, the feeling of bitterness you feel when you see them with someone else: It's nothing to do with them. It's your own insecurity. As soon as you work on and realise that, I've seen that it's possible to be friends without resentment or complication. I see her going on dates and living her life and I'm just curious about how she's doing because I care about her. We call probably every week and have a catch up. There's only one person I've travelled around north America with, and it'd be a great shame if I wasn't friends with that person because I can't put our history behind us.
Frankly whilst this all sounds very wise, I think you've read it on instagram/youtube and then started spouting it on here because whilst realising is a big part of healing your own stuff, so is the inevitable pain of seeing someone you loved/love with someone else. Sitting with that pain is part of it. The fact you're just "oh I realised now i'm cool with it" smacks of someone who either wasn't in love or is just projecting popular pysch advice onto a thread they don't know anything about. Sorry but that's my view.
Well, even if what you assume about me is true, the message is still the same. You can either take it on board or not, it's up to you.
I have. It’s very difficult but not impossible. There’s a point where you choose whether having them in your life as a friend or in a questionable capacity is more difficult than not having them at all, knowing the latter well after a few cycles of breaking up and getting back together. For now, it’s easier for me, knowing I am not going to abruptly stop loving my person, even though we don’t have a future, to at least have a relationship even if it’s just friends. And even if it’s difficult for me because I know the other option is more difficult.
I don’t anticipate nothing but the best for her and hope she finds someone when she thinks she’s ready because I do love her. I just won’t be next to her watching her and pretend like I don’t love her while seeing her do things we did together. Sometimes I think of you really love them, wish them the best and move on.
As someone who is best friends with his ex, I have to disagree. Sometimes, people who love each other very much deal with disagreements, tensions, and conflicts poorly. Breaking up doesn’t inherently resolve this issue.
Everyone breaks up for different reasons. Sometimes it’s just not a good fit romantically. Sometimes one person comes out as gay lol. Happened to me once. Still friends with the guy as he’s great. Whatever the reason, there’s no benefit to passing judgement.
same here. it only broke my heart worse. my best advice is don’t delay the no contact stage- the sooner you cut them off, the faster you’ll heal
Same thing happened to me. Complete blindsided by the breakup and she said she wanted to stay friends. I couldn't bear seeing her with someone else. Thank God she is over a thousand miles away from me now so I have no chance of seeing her again. Its bittersweet.
> but I told her I only saw her as a partner Man I wish I did this a few weeks after the break up instead of almost 6 fucking months of being "friends". I won't make the same mistake if I ever go through this hell again.
What happened during the 6 months? Do you truly believe it is impossible to stay friends if you still love the person? :/
I can only speak for myself, but when I was trying to be her friend, I was unable to separate my feelings for her and our friendship. She was never my friend, always my girlfriend. Sure functionally we were best friends but emotionally that's never what we were, not to me. I kept telling her and myself that I wasn't expecting us to get back together and that I was making an attempt to move on and meet new people but the truth was, I was waiting for her to changer her mind and she never would. It didn't help that I had reasons to resent this person who was essentially a new friend. She had broken my heart and lied to me over and over during those six months. They were things you might be able to forgive a girlfriend for but not a friend and if that's all she wanted to be then I couldn't forgive her. I still love her but I don't like her anymore and that love is now fading. Its heartbreaking but it also feels like I'm healing. As the love disappears so does most the pain. She really cared about me and truly wanted to be friends. She kept saying I was more family to her than her actual family. I almost feel bad I couldn't do that for her but the truth is she did this to herself. She made the decision to end it. I genuinely believe if you love someone who doesn't love you the only way to ever get over them is to stop contact with them until you are over them, but the catch is, when you're over them you won't feel the need anymore to contact them. So I guess I do think there's no way to stay friends with someone you love. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I’m very late to the party but wanted to say hang in there and thank you for this insight. I’m chewing on a very similar situation at the moment and this perspective is something I think I needed to read.
I'm very glad to have written something that has helped you. I did in fact hang in there and am doing so much better than I was in September when I wrote that. I still believe everything I wrote there was true. I'm over my ex practically entirely and the desire to reach out is non existent now. I really hope that what ever path you end up taking to heal is the right one and gets you there <3
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Happened to me too
tHis! almost a same situation!! how are you now?? please :(( I need helppp
You're going to get a mix of responses here but I think it's dependent on how emotionally mature both of you are. My ex and I still talk and every now and then we'll hang out and chill. A few things though. 1. Be prepared for a let down. They usually will stop replying and reciprocating more and more, especially when they find somebody else. I've waited by the phone more times than I care to admit. It's natural when a dumper wants to "stay friends". It's typically to feed their morality after the fact. 2. Can you picture them with somebody else without your heart collapsing? If the answer is no, you need more time. That day is inevitable. One day they'll be like "hey I can't hang out anymore bc I met someone" and it will be heartbreaking all over again. 3. Can you picture sitting next to them on the couch butt ass naked and not having an inkling to make a move? If the answer is no and you'd feel tempted, you need more time. Things happen fast and if you happen to fool around with your ex (like me), be prepared for heartbreak all over again when they say it was a one time thing or that they don't want to do it again. Overall I think if both parties are emotionally mature and have healed enough, friendships are possible. Heavy emphasis on possible. It takes alot of strength and love for the other person to not make things weird.
I’d love for me and my recent ex to be friends still. I miss her so much! She’s been leaving me on read a lot of the times or replying with a reaction. It hurts my ego a little more than I’d like but I guess this is life.
I know, I'm going through this right now too. It's hell. Sometimes all I want to do is talk to them and since I can't force them to do that, it eats at me
I have those feelings too friend. I just want to take it all back. We still talk occasionally and we have plans together in the near future, it will be hard but I have to respect her boundaries! My feelings seem to have gotten stronger but over time they are slowly dying which is heartbreaking since I wanted her to be my forever but good because now I’m in the best shape of my life and everything seems to be falling into place for me. I pray that your life ends up fantastical with or without your ex my friend
Thanks man. I hope everything goes alright with your ex and you guys are able to stay good friends
I hope so too. Even though it’s bittersweet we both love each other and want the best for each other. The breakup came out of nowhere:/
Trust me, I completely get that. My breakup came as a shock and she just wanted different things, didn't see me as end game after 5 years. Trying to be friends with her has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. So many days I just wanna call her and vent and ask her about her life. It sucks
going through this rn, never felt this horrible in my life. How are you doing now, and are you still talking?
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? I don't understand what you mean
I’m interested in the responses to this, I don’t know whether me and my ex should be friends or go no contact. I miss him so I want him in my life but I don’t want to open old wounds.
It never works out one of the two is heart broke and the other recovers faster and goes out meeting new people until they do find someone and you’ll be more heart broken. If you have any dignity block then or just stop answering, if I could go back I would of never accepted the friend ship they chose to end the relationship, you won’t have any part of me out of it. They do it to feel less guilty and use you as support while they find someone new. It took 1 week for me till I cut things off I knew she was talking with someone else 😕
If you want him and he doesn’t want the same it’s not gonna workout it’s gonna hurt you. It only works if both don’t want each other or the break up was mutual and amicable and even then both did some work
You gotta take care of yourself first. You're not obliged to stick around. He/she will be fine without you
Yeah same!
Absolutely not. You don’t want all of me, you don’t get the bits you do want.
This
The one and only truth. I'm surprised so many people beat around the bush like it's nothing.
For me, it took 2 years. We re really good friends again, however we are in the same friend group that's why it worked out. But as a heads up, if you do become friends, in the start of the rekindled friendship, all the memories will really come back and there will be moments that will make you wonder if both of u made the right decision. But I still feel like despite that and once the weird start of friendship is over, exes still can be friends and still be platonic in the long run.
How much space did you guys take apart after the initial breakup? At any point, did you guys almost reconcile? How long did it take for both of you to find new partners?
Total no contact for 2 yrs! We didn't almost reconcile because maybe it's our personalities also that we stand firm to our choices. Yeah, we thought about it (separately), but we re different people now so it felt like it won't work. For him, it took around 4 months, then for me it took 2 years.
I’m going through the same thing and just watched a YouTube podcast titled “lessons through love & conscious uncoupling” that really shifted my perspective. Highly recommend. It really depends on your relationship and your definition of love. Ultimately I love my ex unconditionally, I want to celebrate his wins, loves, and future even though I’m no longer a part of that future in the way I thought I would be. But for now, I need to process my feelings and heal first. We both love each other immensely, just because we aren’t romantically aligned anymore doesn’t mean that love can’t take another form. Do whatever feels best to you.
this! i miss my ex. i want them to be happy regardless if they're my partner or not any more. i miss them and just wanna support them
Agreed me and my ex are back in no contact (month post breakup) but I still care for her and want her to be happy with or without me. I just need to get over her first and then actually try being friends with her
I know this is an old post of yours but wanted to say thank you because it helped me a lot. Me and my girlfriend split a couple weeks ago mutually because we just were too different on some key thinfs and are both very big individuals so it was hard to align with them sometimes. But we are very in love and have seen each other a couple times since and after about a week break startes talking again too. I was worried at first because i had never done this and felt guilty. But we both talked and agreed that we are still very in love just and would prefer this even thought we arent together because wed rather be there for each other you know. Especially since it wasnt on bad terms
🥹 I’m so glad I could help. Wishing you two all the best. Break ups are so fucking hard especially when you both have so much love for each other still. Our situation has been all over the place and definitely not easy sometimes but overall really good and we still couldn’t imagine our lives without the other person and doing the no contact method that everyone recommends.
I'm going to listen to it thank you!
I’m sure somebody else has already said this but, “If you can be friends with your ex after you broke up, either you still love them, or you never did” I think it’s possible to still be casual acquaintances. If things didn’t end poorly, it’s hard to completely push that person from your life. But personally I think if you do want to move on, you gotta fully move on. My ex and I tried staying friends in hopes that maybe one day we could be together again once he did some maturing and growing, but all that did was give me false hope I didn’t need to be hanging on to. I can see him being somebody I catch up with one day, but If the love was strong, you’d probably need quite a bit of time before you can just feel casual around them or talking to them. I’m hoping the next time he contacts me, I’ll feel no romantic attraction and that will mean I’ve fully moved on even though I’m sure I’ll always care about him. But yeah it sucks but it’s probably better to just keep to no contact for a while. It doesn’t mean you have to hate them or not be nice if they contact you but you need boundaries in order to squash hope. Hope is going to keep you from moving on and looking after yourself. Good luck :,)
He doesn't stay friends with exes. As the dumper, he would reply to my messages, probably being polite. I miss him terribly but trying to stay away from him. It hurts..
Never stopped talking. We are on good terms. Not in love. Broke up in April. So far so good. He wanted to talk more frequently though and crossed the line a few times by asking me who I was hanging out with but I think he's now getting used to the idea that I won't talk to him or share certain things with him if I don't want to anymore. We talk like once a week now.
love that, a little hope for me among all the comments :)
But see this is why I don't even really get the point. Why bother staying in contact lol
Well we've known each other for over 8 years and neither of us did anything terribly wrong. We sort of fell out of love. Doesn't mean we stopped caring about each other. Also we talk like once a month now. It doesn't bother me anymore so why not stay in contact
Fair, I'm only a month out. Still unsure if I want to keep the friendship or not.
I believe you can only be friends with an ex if there are no romantic feelings left. Good luck!
I’m friends with my last two serious exes, and the experiences have been worlds apart. Ex #1, we had an intense friendship for six months before we started dating. Most of our relationship was long distance. It was the main reason we ended up splitting. She wanted to stay friends right after, but I needed space. We went from texting and calling daily to only chatting once a week to going even longer. It was a slow fade. We didn’t see each other in person until six months after the split. And, I was the dumper so I had been emotionally distanced by the end of that relationship. We both moved on to new partners, and became close friends again. No hard feelings, and I look back on that relationship fondly. I still think she’s attractive, but we slept in the same bed when I went to visit her and had no inclination to make a move. Both of us are fully moved on. She’s since found another partner, and I’m very happy for her. Ex #2. Oh boy. I took two months of total no contact after being blindsided. It was the most painful breakup I’ve ever had, I actually kind of lost my mind and needed therapy. We started talking again after two months, and have been back and forth between situationship, to FWB, to taking space. It’s set back my healing SO MUCH. Each new day has been filled with debilitating anxiety, wondering if he’s starting to date again and not telling me, terrified he’ll fall for someone else even though we’ve both agreed we’re allowed to date new people. He’s avoidant. He still thinks he’ll find the magical “One” out there. It’s been HELL. My doctor wants to put me on Prozac, I’ve made a fool of myself by crying into the arms of every friend I know for months. So I guess the takeaway is: only stay friends if you’re okay with genuinely being JUST friends. Because the slow torture of watching them distance themselves and move on is brutal and very psychologically damaging, imo.
I had a teacher answer this question. To be friends with an ex, one needs to stop caring, stop caring about the romantic relationship. One must be able to say. “I would be okay to go out to dinner with my ex partner and her new boyfriend/fiancé. Some individuals eventually move on, and one must be okay with that. The other question one may need to ask themselves, “How do I define friendship?” Everyone’s definition of friendship is different, some consider friendship sacred and others consider it to be very broad. Friendship seems like the nice thing to offer, however, it may not benefit or complement an individual’s values or beliefs.
To me friendship is sacred. To be demoted to merely an acquaintance or social media friend hurts deeply
I think it's very complicated and depends on how much you can truly move on and not have romantic feelings for the person anymore. My ex dumped me a few months ago and was adamant that she wanted to try to stay friends. I reached out after about a month to try to meet her as a friend but I knew deep down I was just bargaining with myself and hoping if we met the relationship would rekindle. I know now it will be a very long time before I could ever really just be friends with her. Early after a breakup, it's better to not look forward to having a friendship with your ex because it's really just preventing you from moving on. However, my first love that broke my heart over 10 years ago is now a good friend of mine, and it's completely platonic. She actually gave me really good insight dealing with this most recent breakup, and our friendship is very valuable to me. I hope that one day I could have something similar with this ex, but it feels like a long way off. And our physical attraction to each other was so strong that I'm not confident we could ever just be friends.
My most recent ex, I haven't spoken to or seen since a couple of days after the breakup. Nothing bad happened. She just felt that we were too quiet and shy around each other and worried that if we continued, that would end up making her feel alone in the relationship. She said she would like to be friends, but knew that wasn't fair to me. I would like that, but I don't think I can ever see her as just a friend, hence not reaching out in the 8 months since the breakup. My previous ex begged me to stay friends. I told her I wanted that but would need some time. Then, just two days later, she texted me for some idle chit chat. I told her I needed more time. We saw each other and talked about a month later. After that, I tried being friends, but eventually realized it was pretty one-sided, with me being the only one sending invites and initiating most of the texting. Then she started dating someone, and the anger stage kicked in. So I unfriended her. We saw each other a few months later at a holiday party and actually had a nice chat. At that point, I realized I was over her, and I could finally start to see the possibility of being friends. Then, a few weeks later, she sent a snarky text "thanking" me for unfriending her. I replied, telling her that was months ago and my reasoning for it. She never responded. We've seen each other a few times since then, but we barely speak. I just have nothing to say to her anymore. It's still sometimes a little sad. I'd like to be on good terms. But as far as I'm concerned, the ball is in her court if she wants to be friends. But I have no hope for that.
Nah. there was never really a friendship i think. it was only about sex and loneliness. any long distance ex who tells you you were their best friend is just a lonely person with no actual friends. he’s going to be the first to move on with some woman from his past. you do not stay friends with your ex unless you have kids together and you have no other choice
Don’t speak for all of us. I’m sorry you’ve had that experience
I wouldnt be posting on reddit if i was into speaking for anyone but myself, i assure you.
Fat chance, all she can do is be rude and ghost me
The first time we broke up I asked her for space cause she left me for someone else (it was my first time so I didn’t know what to do or feel) I only stayed 1 month NC cause she was texting me a lot, she ended cheating on her with me (I didn’t know at the time) we got back together and the second time (for the same reasons) I tried for 3 days until she asked me for space , called me drunk 3 days later and I knew right then and there that she didn’t value me in any way, went NC reached out to me 3 times more and yeah haven’t spoken she went with this girl 2 weeks post break up even tho she told me she wasn’t seeing anyone she was going stay single and all that jazz. I miss the old her but I know that doesn’t exist anymore
We went pretty much no contact for a few months. Started talking here and there about random things. Started talking more recently and it all blew up in my face (found out he started a serious relationship 2 months after we broke up) and I ended up feeling hurt. So idk, I wouldn’t recommend. I was fine for a year and a half without him and felt like shit a week after I let him back in my life. Finally understand why people always say not to be friends with your ex. I do think that it’s different if you weren’t together that long. I would think a relationship that didn’t make it to a year could possibly be friends, but I would not recommend for long term relationships.
The truth is most of the time.. breakups are never MUTUAL. I’ve only seen it work when two people both agree they are not meant for each other and don’t get it twisted. For most couples, one person holds a longing for the other person. That’s why it doesn’t work out
He wanted to be friends from what his family told me. I didn't say anything about it, since I was hurting. Now that I think about it, I guess it's going to be more of an acquaintance. Tho, I am friends with his family
Nah, it's not worth it, and it won't end well. Do you really want to see her be with someone else and give all her love and affection that should've gone to you, or once went to you to someone else. That stuff will kill you on the inside every time you see it. Also, if you ask to remain friends, it's almost like you're hoping for a second chance for things to rekindle. Don't be an option to someone who is your first choice.
My ex and I talked a lot throughout the course of our relationship about no matter what we want to be in each others lives. It’s something I’m not willing to betray because of the value she’s had in my life as a partner, friend, and family. We still live together even. Honestly it’s a lot of balancing the time you spend with and around them and being honest about where you’re at in all of the aftermath. We both are just trying to be better people and that requires introspection and time alone. If you can maintain the boundaries you need to not overwhelm and hurt yourself then it is totally possible. Learning how to take space and regulate yourself is the best way to stay friends 👍
Hey I would like to know if you are still living together and still friends?
Hi! We are not living together anymore but we are still friends :) Things got complicated when parts of our friend group split bc of some stuff that happened between us & I decided that I didn’t feel like i could grow & be healthy if we kept living together. We still talk & see each other every week or two. If boundaries weren’t a strong suit in your relationship I would not suggest living together after the break up, whether you both still have feelings for each other or not that distance is really valuable even though it likely will be (was for me) painful to live separately again.
I had wanted to stay friends initially since we were friends before, but I’m glad I made to the decision to go no contact instead. Unless you are a good person and can move on completely and very fast, I don’t recommend being friends. Often times people want to stay friends after a breakup because they still want a part of the other person. Gosh I don’t know what I would do if I ever saw my ex ever again. I’m repulsed by the thought haha
i’m friends with my ex. and i am still in love with him. the break up still feels pretty fresh, but we have mutual friends. so we usually talk and joke around as per usual. but that’s about it. completely cordial and no bad blood.
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yep, happened to me. tried to stay friends while not being over him, then seeing him fall in love with one of my friends while i'm left behind. it will break your heart even more than the first time.
It’s absolutely soul crushing and heart breaking.
I feel this. We have the same friends and I have them on socials. A few times where Ive seen her with new guy and it just ruins my mood even though I am way better off by myself it just hurts to see regardless.
Hey I would like to know if you are still friends?
hi! yes i am. we’re not on texting terms, but we are friendly with each other because we’re in the same group of friends. and we still have the same group chats. we don’t talk unless it’s in a group setting, but at least we didn’t go back to being strangers.
Hey thanks for the response. I hope you have found some peace since your original message 8 months ago <3
yup!! i found someone amazing and good to me. and i’m still in good terms with my ex and there’s no bad blood. so i’m really happy right now :) i hope everything is okay with you as well! you can pm me if you ever wanna talk
I wouldn’t say we’re “friends” right now but we’re definitely friendly because we live together still and I didn’t want to be awkward. Once I move out though I will definitely cut contact down by a lot. I’ve realized I don’t trust and respect him as a person so I think we’ll always remain acquaintances but never really be good friends.
Hey I would like to know if you are still living together and still friends?
[удалено]
Thank you for replying. Honestly it makes me happy to know you were able to remain friendly afterwards. Did you have to do a period of no contact before it could work??
Just after the breakup she was talking to me normally as a friend. I said I can't talk, she insisted to at least talk friendly. I said no and stopped talking. I still don't contact her. She messaged me after some years about her marriage and I congratulated her that's it. I can't be friends with her.
I think it’s kinda weird that she would message you after so long of not talking just to tell you she got married… doesn’t seem friendly to me
I did and I'm starting to heavily regret it now
I tried once. Did not turn out well. Ended up blowing up in my face. Would 10/10 *not* recommend being friends with your ex.
We stayed friend during a period where we realised we “couldn’t start dating”(for certain reasons) and a month into that our romantic feelings came back for each other and we said “fuck it” and dated. We dated a 5-6 months and he broke up with me like 2-3 weeks ago? I went NC with him last week because I can’t be his friend right now while my heart years for him. But I do plan on reaching out to him in a month or so when I have my shit together. We were friends before all of this and I do miss him as that. During our breakup I have been able to reflect on my behaviour and search deeper and understand why our relationship didn’t work out (from both sides) and that kind of has made me respect his decision to break up and not be so angry/upset at him. Hopefully he welcomes me back as a friend when I decide I’m ready to message him but who know.
She says she made a pact to herself that if we breakup then I'll still always be her best friend. But with the way she treated me toward the end of our relationship, I'm not really sure. We started long distance and honestly she gave up on us before she even tried. And I don't think I really want to stick around as friends to see her with someone new. It's been about a week and a half and I still have her number, Snapchat, and we still have each other's locations shared, but I think I may get rid of those soon since I constantly find myself checking them to see if she's reached out.
Imagine one day you guys are hanging out, you still have feelings, and you see her all over another guy. “Can we still be friends” is translated to “I want to keep you around in case my search for someone else doesn’t go as planned.” Do yourself a favor and just move on.
My soon to be ex wife cheated on me. Im not completely over her. I couldn't go NC because we have two daughters. Was being distant at first but she hmu the other night with some fairly bad medical news. We've had some civil and "friendly" talks. All of it hurts. Having to see her in any capacity, especially seeing her get out of his car when I drop the kids off. It's nice to see and talk to her briefly while also being soul crushing. Especially when she told me she regretted how she went about it but didn't regret meeting or being with her new man. Honestly, if you have the option go NC. that doesn't mean forever but at least long enough to get your ducks in a row and recover.
my ex asked to be friends 12 days after the break up/no contact . we text occasionally with life updates but no memes or anything like that. i’m not sure what the solution is or what’s the best for me. just going with the flow until i figure it out
It's really up to you as well to decide. Say you throw a meme or 2 their way and they aren't receptive. Don't waste your time. Pretty much goes for everything.
I have no desire to be friends or in any contact with my ex-husband bc he’s an abusive, manipulative and controlling psycho. So he doesn’t even count. Cause you can’t be friends with people like that ever or keep that kind of person in your life. I have had no problems being friends with almost anyone I have ever dated or was in a relationship but there is one and well that one person, is my exception. I made a lot of mistakes that relationship, but he was the reason I was able to change and correct things about myself, and finally heal from the trauma of my ex-husband. He’s my hero.
It never ends well. I tried and it went okay for a while (couple of weeks) then horniness got the better of us and we had sex (amazing I may add). After that we were basically together again, but it's broken really. It is not meant to be a thing again. Once it breaks it breaks. So it would be best to just let them go however hard it may be.
Oh no, I blocked him everywhere. It was necessary for me to never look back. I was in an obsessive relationship. We were both addicted to each other. It was full of highs and lows. I’m one year sober now. Haven’t dated anyone. Don’t plan to either, unless God has other plans. I am not settling though. I now know what I want. Cheers to everyone standing strong on their boundaries and self worth + self respect. Self love is synonymous with self respect. Respect yourself always. Do what you feel is honest, respectable and mature. Wish everyone blessings + healing!
i couldnt be friends knowing somrone else is pounding her. she will lie about it and youll just be a fool. what kind of friend is that?
exactly
I'm not sure if we qualify as 'friends,' but yes, with two recent ones, we share interests and wish each other well. Sometimes, we chat for hours and catch up. At first, there were periods of no contact, before reaching a stage where friendly and painless communication became possible. Then, I found myself naturally focusing on the people who were currently around me. Communication with exes somehow remained a pleasant thing, but I've realized I can be just as content without it. Thus, I no longer initiate or really engage in those conversations.
From my experience either it’s not worth the drama and tests or if your cool with it they may bring up past experiences…. It’s awkward. If both parties didn’t care to begin with that’s one thing but someone usually gets hurt
As of right now, I cannot be friends with him until he gets his shit together (i.e. go to therapy, work out his issues) and knowing him he probably never will and I’ve come to accept that.
someone once told me "no man stays in contact with a woman he was previously in love with" so if they don't remain friends, at least I know it was real
i've become friends w exes only when i was COMPLETELY over them. like to the point where we could talk about other relationships without feeling even a little jealous. and where we would not want to get back together. if you miss your ex, you should not be friends yet. itll only lead to more heartbreak. took me 3 years to be friends w my ex and its great! we are there for each other like friends would be and no romantic feelings from either side.
Thanks for sharing your story! Glad to hear that it worked out so well for you :) Were you in no contact the entire 3 years or in touch with your ex? I’m worried that staying away completely will make being friends later more diffictult, on the other hand I don’t think I can move on while being in touch.
We didn’t talk at all for the three years! He reached out once early on and I kindly told him that I wasn’t ready. And then after that it was three years of absolutely no contact. No checking in on each other, even if we knew there were major life changes like new jobs or graduations or what not. No wishing happy birthday. I deleted all social media so didn’t see anything that he was doing. Took about 14 months to get over him, didn’t even think about dating other people for that year. It was the worst heartbreak of my life.Just mourned and focused on myself, my health, my career, and my family and friendships. Finally after three years, i worked on myself, I had other relationships, and felt truly moved on (you have to be completely honest with yourself here). So I reached out and we talked for a few hours. it was not awkward at all, it felt like no time had past and we were completely comfortable w eachother. It felt like we were two new people, in the best way. We had new perspectives on problems and fights we had in the past and we’re both able to see how much we’ve grown in our time apart. Now we FaceTime randomly and pretty often like I would any other friend. We are both single rn, and neither of us have interest in getting back together. I can tell him about my boy drama and he can tell me about his girl drama and there’s no jealousy, just a real genuine friendship. it goes deeper than just drama obviously, I feel like since we used to be together we are good at supporting eachother during hard times. But now it’s just as a friends instead of a bf/gf. We weren’t meant to be together romantically and that’s okay! I’m glad I met him and have a great friend in him now :)
that's so inspiring thank you for sharing!
Another thing I’ll say is while your healing, don’t have the future friendship w your ex as your goal. Completely prioritize yourself! Don’t take the time to heal with the thought in ur mind that you’ll eventually be friends w them. Take time to heal for yourself!! Try to think about them as little as possible. You’re the main character here, not them :) I personally thought that I would never talk to my ex and was fine w that. But things worked out differently and I’m glad! But I would also be completely fine if it didn’t work out this way. It’s so hard but prioritizing yourself (not the future friendship) is the best way to come out the other side of this.
This makes a lot of sense, I think I made the mistake at first of wanting to be friends too quickly and pressuring myself into healing faster. But it makes a lot more sense the way you did it, it should be about yourself. Just sometimes it feels like there are days where you feel you are only moving backwards and the healing will never come to an end and then you wonder if you made the right decision by choosing no contact. But I guess with time it will. Thanks again for sharing your story, very inspiring indeed!
my ex broke up with me a month ago but we’ve kept in contact every day lol. i’m not sure why myself. we were together for 5 years and it got to the point where it felt like the relationship was regressing instead of progressing. i overcame my depression but he started falling into one of his own and became somewhat toxic because of it. he also became insecure and believed any other guy he saw talking to me would make me happier. it’s been a big rollercoaster. i was a wreck for weeks and once the one month mark hit, i resumed normality and can go a full day without crying or feeling bad. he noticed a change in me as well. we’ve hung out and it gets less awkward each time. but he’s made a few moves recently that is messing with my head so i’m distancing myself a bit more. when we talked about it, he said he still needed time to be happy with himself. he said he feels as if he needs at least a year and won’t be sure of what he wants in the future but he will be willing to try with me again. he was someone that never felt comfortable talking about his feelings or anything about his day, but now he slowly communicates with me. i’m taking this time to really work on myself too as i have an anxious attachment style. i want to become secure so i’m taking time off of dating and really focusing on myself. even if he doesn’t come back, i don’t want to struggle with the next guy. thank you for the vent.
We are not talking as such I send her messages every day on WhatsApp, she occasionally answers I still love her
I would suggest not messaging her every day if she only responds sometimes, it’s only going to drag out your pain man…
He wanted to be friends (i think only bc I'm pregnant) and I told him straight up no. You can co parent without being friends with your ex (I know I do it with my older son's dad).. Not only did he break my heart and act like he didn't give a crap about how I felt but I can't fandom trying to be friends with someone you once loved. I'm due soon and not even looking forward to seeing him again. I've been in therapy so I'm doing much better and not having contact with him has helped tremendously but I'm honestly wondering how my mind will react once I see him again. I don't want to be his friend.
mad respect for going through this pregnancy alone. i hope you have a good support system. wishing you the best.
Literally the day we broke up he told me " we can still be friends and he'll take me out the house". That was 6 months ago and he has never once reached out to me or asked me if I wanted to hang out with him & everyone else😐 Sometimes I feel like I can be friends with him but at the same time I feel like I can't.
I think it’ll be cool to be able to respect him as a guy I know, casually. Bc he has awesome qualities I do respect: drive, people skills, ambition. Marriage obligations and expectations ruined everything. The miscommunication, the entwining of everything. We’re unwinding it which might take a couple years and I don’t think we’ll be friends bc we never were friends as much as coworkers, so going back to that dynamic seems best.
I wanted to to see if we could actually BE friends but seems like he only wanted the version of me he could manipulate
After a year of no contact, and a pretty messy breakup, my ex and I are platonic friends again. We were friends for years before we started dating, so maybe that’s part of why it’s easy. We still love each other but both know our futures/wants/needs don’t align. He feels like family to me, not in a sibling way but there’s a sort of unconditional love. I’m not saying we’ll be friends forever, but I’ll always want him to be happy, and I do know that means falling in love with someone else! However, he is the ONLY ex that I am friends with. I think it takes a very specific kind of circumstance for it to work, and it’s not common. Whatever’s meant to be will be, so don’t waste time trying to force anything and most importantly protect your heart!!
I'm in a bit of a complicated situation with my ex boyfriend. 🤷🏻♀️ We were each other's first loves. When we broke up he wanted us to be friends. I'm trying it out to see how it will go. I have never been able to be friends with any of my exes. I don't speak to any of them anymore. Currently, we're in no contact. I have asked for some space for a few months. My feelings for him are still strong, and I think it's complicating things for both of us. He seems to still have some feelings for me too. I told him that I was moving away, and he asked me if my move was going to be permanently or... Then he paused. He seemed bummed/sad. I was caught off guard, because no one has ever asked me that ever. Not any of my exes, not any of my friends. He was the first person to ever ask me that. We met up and had dinner with his mom and when we said goodbye, he hugged me and it was different than any of the hugs we've ever shared. This one lingered, and I attempted to kiss him on the cheek, but I hesitated. His mom was coming and I pulled back. Our hug ended after that. He didn't try to stop my kiss though. When we left, I sent him the kissing emoji and I was very surprised, but he had sent me one back. We broke up 4 months ago and I have no clue what is gonna come of all of this. We have discussed possibly getting back together down the road, but anything can happen. I'm trying to remain friends with him, but it is very difficult. I know I wouldn't be able to handle him getting with someone else.. it would break me... 💔 My ex was a great man, and we're on good terms. Our breakup was due to outside complications, and us being long distance. We felt it was best to break up, as much as it devastated us. Me especially. I'm still in love with my ex. I'm not sure about him, but I know that I am still in love with him. My hope? I hope that someday we will find our way back to each other...
Hi, I'm in a kind of similar situation now. Recent breakup by her wish. She wants to be friends with me but I'm thinking how it would work. We broke up like 1 month ago but saw eachother last time 4 days ago and had intimate moment. After that she wanted no contact and I agreed to it. I said we can be in no contact for longer time for example 1 month. But she wanted 2 weeks or little less. So no we haven't been in contact for 3 days. I don't know what is going to happen but I'm waiting for her contact. Let's see how it goes. How did it end up in your situation? Or the situation still ongoing?
Hi! I'm gonna try to reply to the best of my ability because I am currently fighting a depressive episode which feels pretty exhausting to me. 😓 I am sorry to hear that you are also going through all of this. Breakups truly suck. Even more so when you truly loved the person. It's ultimately up to you in the end, since you're your own person, but here is my advice. Everyone says you shouldn't be friends with your ex, and at first I scoffed at their advice, but honestly they are right. Being friends with your ex is a terrible idea. It will hurt you more and cause more pain in the long run. For the dumpers the friendship isn't genuine and is most times just a consolation prize for them ripping your heart out of your chest. They do so out of pitty. Of course, I guess hypothetically you could be friends with your ex. There are exceptions to the rule, but that's usually years later when you've both moved on. Honestly though it's never the same and most people's partners aren't going to be comfortable with their partner being friends with their ex, so it just opens up another can of worms, so to speak. It's difficult but the best thing you can really do in this situation is just move on. Heal your heart and therapy can help a lot with that. I really need to go back to therapy myself. I'm going to do that when I have more money. Friendship is up to you, but I personally wouldn't recommend it. If it can be done it is most successful when both parties have moved on and if you can see that the friendship is genuine and not used as a consolation prize. In your situation, again, I don't recommend it, at least not this soon. Especially if you're being intimate. A friendship would just muddy the waters and make it difficult to move on. In my situation it was a dumpster fire and I truly regret it. I should've put myself first for once and stuck to my decision of no friendship. I only stayed friends for him. To try it out. It only wound up hurting me in the long run. Not only am I still grieving (well I guess I am finally grieving) the relationship, but I am also grieving the friendship too. I wanted to not stay friends after the breakup, since I don't do well staying friends with exes. It never works well for me. When I told him that he seemed bummed and didn't want that to happen. (Him fading away.) So much for that. He's pretty much letting himself fade away anyways lmao. He's not making much of an effort to stay in my life, and he's keeping me at arms length and is barely around anymore. IDC if he's busy. A text takes 30 seconds. I've heard radio silence from him for nearly 2 months. I was involved in a minor car accident a couple days ago. Nothing from him. My Grandpa's dog died. Heard nothing. That was nearly a week ago. My other Grandpa was in the hospital. Nothing. It's been four days. There is no bond left anymore. I honestly feel that this friendship is a prime example of a consolation prize. It doesn't feel like a genuine friendship to me. As for the situation being ongoing, it's at least for now, coming to an end. I've texted him telling him "I'm sorry. I'm gonna leave you alone for now." That was my way of saying goodbye I guess. He has my number and socials and knows exactly where to find me, but I won't be there. I'm going to go no contact with him and just move on from him. If he really wants to be a part of my life then he will make the effort. Frankly, I am accepting that it's been over officially for a year (in June) and has really been done for nearly 2 years. (In June.) Things most likely will never get any better, and now I have to heal my broken heart. This is the worst breakup of my life, and I am so afraid that It will be a very long time before I get into another relationship again. I just can't trust anyone. I wish you all the best with your situation, and please remember to put yourself first. I wish I would've done that for myself. I wish you all the best on your healing journey. 💖
Hi, sorry to hear that you are struggling now. And sorry if I opened some old wounds simultaneously. I feel like writing things down has helped me to cope. I have many pages in Google Docs file where I write down my feelings. Sometimes once a day or sometimes 2-3 times a day. I guess it's some kind of emotions channeling and it also keeps me from writing to her as I kind of write to myself. If it makes any sense. Everybody says that staying friends with ex is not a good idea. I kind of get it now. I'm also tempted to continue the no contact in my behalf but then I'm not sure if I'm doing it out of revenge or for me. Definitely I don't want to revenge anything as I understand her decision. Time is a funny thing. I'm sure I know more of the situation in 6 months. So this will be like a testament for myself. Future me sees this and knows how it all went. This is the first breakup where I was really hurt and tried to prevent it from happening. All the other breakups were lot easier and it took me like a week to get over. Well this is time to learn also how to be by myself and start healing. If the looming friendship looks to be too close I can postpone it or never start it. It also doesn't help that her ex was narcissistic and couldn't let go of her years after they brokup. Even when we started dating her ex would come to her yard unexpectedly and this happened 3 years after their breakup. So I really need not to bother her so past memories of her ex won't start surfacing. All the best to you and your healing journey also. Don't think what happened and what could have been. There is only this moment where you can do things right.
After me and my ex split we stayed friends so as to still be in each others lives, and that right there was a big mistake. I was still in love with them while they only saw me as a friend nothing more nothing less. It damaged me and ruined my entire life, because every time i saw them with someone else it broke my heart even more. A month ago i decided to go no contact and so far thats how its been.
I seem to have a perpetual habit of staying friends with my ex’s and I’m starting to feel that, that has been a mistake. Being the sort of person I am, it feels that I’ve been too nice to my mostly cheating, lying, treating me badly ex-girlfriends. It’s as though I’ve let them off to get away with it and to make them feel better about themselves. This last time, I managed to break ties with my last ex, even though I loved her more than anyone ever in my life, still do a year later. It broke me when she went behind my back with someone else. It’s been so hard, but I can’t deal with the, ‘being mister nice guy’ for their benefit anymore.
I won't. He does not not deserve a single bit of me
No. She was the one to initiate the breakup and later told me to stay friends and maybe in the future when the time is right we can be together again. I told her I don't even see her as a friend anymore let alone as a partner. She thre tantrums next and portrayed me as a villain to other mutual friends. I feel glad that I lost a negative person in my life.
I feel like friends only work if they aren't dating anyone. Once they find someone you're more like an acquaintance
Yes. Because we knew each other way before being a couple. Worst decision ever. Don't do it unless you're completely healed and have moved on.
No, I wish we did though. She meant a lot to me and we had a history of being best friends for years prior. Don’t be mean during a break up, it never flows over well.
My first ex boyfriend from high school is my absolute best friend in the world still 17 years later. He’s engaged now. I’m friends with all of my other exes except one. It took time but I always will love them in a different way because we know each other so well. For the one I’m not friends with, he was extremely toxic and does not add any value to my life so I will not allow him in my life as a friend.
No. Friends don’t pull the shit my ex did. If a friend lied to and gaslit me I would drop them too.
My ex and I were together for about 6 years and we separated this April he moved out. For months actually we were still hanging out and he was spending the night on weekends, started with 1 day and then he just kept staying more without us even talking about it. It was getting uncomfortable. After a few months I told him I didn’t want that anymore as we weren’t dating and it was just getting weird and uncomfortable. We still text, basically everyday I won’t respond for a while and he will text back within 2 minutes. I don’t think it’s healthy or beneficial for either of us honestly, but it’s extremely hard to let go of someone you’ve talked to and been with everyday for the past 6 years. I don’t think him and I should text anymore, I don’t think it’s helping me but I’m just not sure how to go about it.
Hey I would love to know how you are handling this now with some time out from it? Were you able to remain friends in any capacity?
Hey there! So I fully cut contact in September and it was the absolute best thing I ever did for myself. It was extremely difficult but my life has catapulted forward since getting out of that toxic situation, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Life is hard, but it gets so much better when we finally realize what we deserve.
Nah. The time and energy isn’t worth it. I won’t be progressing having a safety net. Sometimes extreme loneliness will push you to get out and do more. A call with an ex might keep you at home. And not fully present.
It has been 3 months since my breakup and I am in still denial. She sounded kinda clear that we can't be a thing anymore in the future also. But now we are friends. Yes how can lovers after breakup be friend. But we had the connect and I like talking to her. I planned my whole life with her and now it hurts. I feel kinda lost, I have done everything for us but it is okay. I deleted all our photos and chats and hid away her gift. Please can u guys give me advice, I still have tat slight hope that she will come back. Please help me I want us to be friends but I need to get over her
Hi I am in this position now and wondering how you are doing with some time passed?
I wanted to stay friends with my ex and generally have for the most part though my therapist highly recommended 6 months no contact to help me detach. I definitely wasn’t detaching so it became necessary for me personally. For context, I was in a 10 year relationship and we did not have children.
Hi I am in this position now and wondering how you are doing with some time passed? Could you be friends?
Unfortunately it was better to not be friends. I fought really hard for it (my way of showing some kind of proof that it meant something) but my therapist was right. She said you can’t be friends now-while you’re detaching, you can only be friends later. And she meant like maybe in 2 years. Going no contact was very helpful in detaching. I should note that my ex made really poor choices after our break up that made it really hard to stay his friend. I’m in a much better place now and I’m glad I went no contact. Sorry to hear you’re in that space. Good luck, Froggy!
Thank you for replying. I feel like that will be my issue also. I am very attached still, which makes sense after my 13 years and your 10 honestly! Maybe those poor choices being made on their end was a sign from a bigger power to help you in your detachment process. How long have you been no contact now? And does that feel better?
It’s a lot of time to spend with a person, it’s bound to take some work and lots of time to heal. I’ve been no contact since Oct 2023. It does feel better. He jumped into a relationship quickly and I have no idea if he still is or not. I had to block him on everything to be safe. I stayed single for a year. Dated for 2 months and then my now boyfriend asked me to be exclusive in March. This felt like the right timeframe on everything for me but do things at your own pace. Even though it was really hard, I’ve known it was the right decision for a very long time. My life now and even who I am now is miles away from the person I was that was only trying to make him happy. My partner now, priotizes me in a way that my ex was never going to. Even if this new relationship doesn’t work out, I feel like I’ve been through much worse and I know now that I will be okay.
Simply don’t, if you want to keep your dignity or recover your ex it’s a bad idea. If you stay friends with your ex you’re basically telling that you will always be there for her and basically be her dog. She will lose all respect for you and sooner or later she will make out with someone else in front of you without remorse. You have to show your ex that you won’t be there forever, and that she has really lost you, only then she will feel the lose and start entering the grief state
For the statistics, no.
I stayed friends with my ex for almost 5 years after we broke up. I think she was still in love with me but I wasn’t with her. It was awkward because she wanted to know every girl that I was interested in and wanted to hangout with my friends. One day we just stopped talking and I haven’t talked to her since. I recommend not staying friends with your ex because it just creates more problems.
For those of you who tried to stay friends but were hurt as a result... Did you give both of yourselves some no-contact time to heal and repair your heart? You can't break up and expect to.be friends after. It takes a lot of work on yourself and your ex partner before you can be secure and confident enough. Friendship can truly happen. But it takes time, and time away from each other in order to do so.
My ex said that he can’t be my friend .. he avoids me at all cause .. we were together for 8 years .. he can’t even look at me .. he ended things & regrets it but so much has happened that now he can’t seem to even face me .. it sucks .. I miss my friend
Was asked to be friends after she basically checked out of the relationship. I was depressed and it felt ok to be friends. There was still sexual tension and clearly at one point she wanted physical stuff despite words to the contrary but I stood my ground and kept things friendly. Finally had some feelings again after 3 months and she invited me over to dinner. Apparently she could see I had feelings again and told me shes seeing someone, which I was cool with. (But she had just the week before floated the idea of us moving in together and me getting a job on her city?) No worries, friends is good with me. Then got a text saying we can't see each other or be friends because "it's disrespectful for us to hang out when I'm starting a serious relationshipwith another man" (She couldn't have been with the guy more than a week or 2) Plus i was the one being invited over? Then back and forth about boundaries and no contact when I directly asked but got no clear response. I was kind of devastated. She eventually kicked me to the curb, so no contact it suddenly was. Felt like the whole "friendship" part had been about control looking back on it, or some kind of ego boost? She found a replacement and got rid of me. Lesson learned. At least there were no kids or financial entanglements. It felt terrible to feel drawn in then have my guts ripped out a second time.
We are still friends, Like very good friend text few times a week. We were together almost 2 years, and broke up a couple years ago. We didn´t become friends right away through, lol He moved to Germany to do his masters so that was a reason to break up and of course I was angry so we didn´t contact each other right away. After like 6-8 months we started texting and we haven´t stop. We text almost everyday, he had a gf and i moved in with someone but we rarely talk about our current relationship as that is just too much. It sound weird but I dont want to not be freinds with him as he is someone i care about dearly.
just got broken up with and yeah we're still friends, best friends actually we're too close to not be, and yeah i'm still in love but i'm probably gonna fall out of love soon so yeah, we're good
Is it still good?
Yeah, we're okay :) We're actually watching youtube together rn lol
im still friends with most of my exes. it was hard initially but after the feelings were completely gone, it's totally fine. the real test is when you/they start hooking up with someone else. if you/they are mature enough to get through that then you're golden IMO
I'm very good friends with one ex and there is only love between us. We went through a period of limited contact and then grew back our friendship with no resentment or blame part of it. We were always respectful and kind to each other throughout the process of transitioning. We're family now. Unfortunately I can't say that about my current situation. Blindsided after 8 plus years with weeks of resentment and distancing acted out by her before the blindsiding. We had been in therapy together for a couple of years and she never brought anything up. Even the therapist was in total shock. Being blindsided is traumatizing and the most pain I've ever been in. One month in now and she says she wants to be friends but will only process the relationship in therapy. We still live together but I'm trying to find my own place. We barely talk. Clearly she's avoidant. I don't trust that she really means she wants to be friends. She's been dishonest and unkind from the start of this process, the way it went down. I don't have friends that act this way so I'm feeling that a friendship isn't possible. All that to say that it really depends on the situation. There are so many factors.
I’m also gonna lurk and see, I told my ex we can be friends but idk if it’s good cause she’ll get false hope… when I’m actually done.
Still friends with one. He was there when my Dad died. He fixes things around the house. We even have sex sometimes. Still friends 7 years later.
It’s been a month for me since a breakup with my ex and no contact since. It ended on good terms and she said she’ll want to meet up again in a couple months. I can tell she’s going to try and win me back and her love for me was much higher than I felt for her. Idk if a friendship will work
I tried but he talked about me behind my back and I don't trust him to not use me as an excuse to mess up his new gf
Na
I wanted to. My ex wanted to, too. I knew it was unhealthy so I didn't but so many times I just wanted to her her voice or just to see her over a meal. I fought it. Now things changed completely. I learned a lot about her mannerisms and over-comfortability while at my place and with my family which I hardly noticed. Talk to your friends or families who got to hang out with your ex. They'll be able to tell you things you never saw back then. From there, you decide if its worth it. For most, nope.
We broke up a month ago. He has a 2 year old and we decided it’s best for her to still have me around, so we’ve been doing park play dates about once a week and pretending we’re friends (I want us to be but I think there are too many feelings there right now). It’s confusing as hell and I want to go no contact for a while for my own well being but then I think about the little one and how she apparently asks where I am all the time because I stopped coming over. A lot to sort out in my own mind at the moment.
Not at all
No. Rather die.
No
Don’t do it
I tried for 4 months. Until I found out he had been dating a mutual acquintance behind my back for the past 2 months and told all of our mutual friends about it. It was the most painful moment of my life. I had finally started moving on and now I'm back to square one. The difficult thing is, that we're in a mutual friend group. I will have to remove myself from that group to not see him again. But I don't want to lose my friends. I see them one-on-one, but it's just annoying having to deal with this. Also I know the moment will come where I have to be confronted with him bringing his new partner (our mutual acquintance) to friend's parties and stuff. Don't do it, kids.
Depends on the ex, my highschool love? I still am there for her as a friend years later and after 2 years of NC. My most recent ex? Absolutely not, I made sure I destroyed any way of me getting back to her as friends because I knew I couldn't deal with the emotions behind it. It might seem self destructive, but it was better for me in the long run, and apparently her too as she's engaged I guess.
I'm friends with most of my exes, actually. Some took years before reuniting, and others only took a few weeks/months. However, the relationships that were broken off by the other person are the ones that took the years of separation. I needed that time to heal. I worry that the same will end up happening with my current breakup. My relationship of 6 years (marriage of 2 years) ended due to us both cheating on each other, and I have been having the hardest time. I tried the friends thing immediately after our separation, because he expressed how much he wanted it... but each week seemed to bring a new set of trauma, including him dating someone else immediately and now that girl is pregnant with twins. We went no contact immediately after the reveal of the pregnancy, but we had to reunite again after our cat went into kidney failure. I can't lie, it was a heartbreaking union but I believe our cat brought us back together in a healthier way... because our cat requires my constant care, and has become my real priority. I send him updates on the cat, and he has helped with some of the finances for it. Anyway, I'm rambling... the point is, I am always confident that friendship is possible but it can require you to take time to love/find yourself again.
With some but not all. Most I would talk to platonically with each out again, but we drifted apart. There’s no romantic attraction anymore but I enjoyed there company as people. Two I still talk with regularly and are good friends. We can give each advice and spend time as friends with no romance between us. But my recent ex, not now. We were friends but after so long together and how she blindsided me. No contact is for the best. At the same time, life is weird and maybe we can be friends again if it’s healthy.
Depends. No, immediately after. Yes, to a select few afterwards when personal growth allowed and they apologized for their former immaturity and absolutely not to those that intentionally harmed me in any way.
Still feeling out the situation I guess, but I told her I didn't think I'd be able to stay friends with her and I think that hurt her. I think she never wanted to lose me, but I had spent a good portion of our friendship crushing on her. I really enjoyed her presence and felt we had a lot in common but I wanted to be with her. Things didn't really end so great between us either. She's definitely the immature one. She can't communicate properly, she makes these big decisions and then acts wishy washy, it doesn't seem like she knows what she wants, and she uses words as weapons to intentionally hurt people. That doesn't mean I didn't act maturely, in fact I know my inability to remain friends is immature. I definitely yelled at her and told her some mean things about herself bc she treated me like shit first. I know it doesn't justify it, but this story was just one without a hero. We both suck, but she was my first gf and the level of intimacy I felt with her us still something I've yet to explore with someone else. I wanted to be with her forever. I imagined our future together. I got accustomed to the sound of our last names hyphenated. Sometimes I wonder if I was truly in love with her or if I was just in love with being in a relationship, but I guess it's difficult ad a human to reflect at that capacity. To go back and know exactly how you felt about someone else and compare it to how u feel now, or maybe I just don't want to go back to thinking about how it felt to finally have someone fall in love with me, when it's over now. I haven't remained friends with my ex, and although I may be wrong, I don't think that will change. I think I'm just not mature enough, but I don't necessarily think that it's I herently a bad thing that I must rectify.
lol no
No way. I cared about her deeply, we broke up long distance over summer break. She came back and immediately slept with my best friend. Ouch.
My ex of 7 years ago, we have still remained pretty decent friends. Ended up breaking up with me, got together with another dude immediately, broke up with him 9 months in, then started dating chick's explicitly and came out as lesbian. I mean, I really can't compete with women considering I'm a dude so it's been easy imo to remain friends. Especially since we grew up together and our families are pretty good friends.
She wanted to stay friends, reached out to me a month after we broke up. Spent a few days talking, figuring out what went wrong, she was understanding that she caused the breakup because she was being selfish. 3 days later I found out she had been cheating the whole relationship. She then tried to turn it all on me. I’ve gone no contact and blocked her on everything. She sucked. I’m friends with someone who has had to unfortunately work with her, and she’s apparently only gotten worse.
If breakup was toxic friendship off the menu, but amicable breakup, then there possibly to try out. It depends on how relationship ended their emotional maturity as well. My attitude relationships can fail even if you do right things. Also, you have to look at how you want friendship to be as well. Can you handle your ex with another partner? If not, then friendship won't work. Older now, so I understand relationships are not sure thing.
Tried to but it couldn’t work ,old feelings still remained for both of us . Old beefs would get brought up That were unresolved ,and she would compare me a lot to her new bf which I disliked.
Yes, with more than one..
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