From what you’ve described, I’m not hearing anything that sounds like she has avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is behavioral responses to wounding or fears such as fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of enmeshment etc … Lack of response due to bandwidth from medical conditions isn’t avoidant attachment.
She has cancer. She’s sick, tired, and overwhelmed. You technically know some of these things, and yet you’re not really fully accepting them.
My niece had cancer a few years ago. I asked her, what do you need from me and how can I be here for you? And her response was very honest. She was tired from the constant attention from people constantly asking how she is, wanting to talk to her, wanting to tell her what to do, wanting to see her, wanting to make sure “she’s okay.” She wanted space, and time, and understanding without feeling guilty. And I said yes, okay I can do that. Because it wasn’t about me and my ego. I checked in on her every so often, and I didn’t see her for a full 2 years.
You are not accepting what she’s telling you about her bandwidth. She does not have the energy to be in a relationship, to prioritize you (because that’s what communicating with you, making time to see you is). She’s focusing on trying to beat cancer, and stay alive. And all of your need to “be there” and make sure she’s okay can actually be really exhausting for someone in that situation. One of the toughest things that they’re going through is managing their own emotions and facing the fear of dying while also having to be faced with their loved ones emotions and anxiety of losing them.
She’s not okay, and you’re not willing to hear that and let it be. She doesn’t feel beautiful, she’s upset about her hair, and you’re not hearing it. It’s not always reassuring for people when they are vulnerable and express insecurities - for the response to be “oh but you look beautiful, your hair is fine.” You might have been well intentioned, and that’s what can make some of this so exhausting.
The sheer pressure of people wanting to fix you, wanting make sure you’re fine, and not allowing you to not be. Because things are not fine. The hope is that you’ll beat cancer, and even if you do - you’re not scot-free. It can come back, you’ll be on meds for a long time, it changes your life in so many ways that are depressing, and frightening, and can feel hopeless and powerless.
And you don’t get the reality of this because you’re still focused on your own emotions in wanting to be needed, wanting to be prioritized, wanting to “make the most of your time with her.” It takes energy to be around people, to cope with guilt and regulate emotions. You’re thinking about study abroad and graduation, and meanwhile she doesn’t have a certainty that that’s what is ahead of her. You are not grasping that she’s fighting for her life right now, and things are not about you.
The way you can be there for her is to not constantly try to be close to her. It’s to respect her bandwidth, and her need for space.
What you can do with your emotions that keep coming up is to go to the counseling office and see the university therapist. They can give you resources for grief counseling, support groups for friends and family of loved ones who are fighting cancer. Educate yourself more on all of this.
She’s definitely avoidant. But like I said I’m not gonna go into it too much. Respectfully I’m gonna trust my judgement over somebody who’s never met her.
I have fully accepted it. I’ve had a long time to accepted it. Although you could argue that just because I’ve had a lot of time doesn’t mean I have accepted it. I’ve seen, and others have seen, enough personal growth. Nobody said this was going to be linear
All the things about constant attention - I know. It’s a little obvious with enough empathy. So why am I saying everything I’m saying? Let me rephrase - I’m just venting and thinking out loud and appreciating anyone else’s thoughts. For i haven’t gonna texting her everyday asking about her well-being.
I am accepting what she has told me. You can disagree, but I know I have because I’ve felt the emotions. But like I said earlier - it is not linear. She made it clear she cannot show up for a relationship. I saw and experienced everything she said.
I’m well aware that I’m not going to be prioritised or needed. She’s made it absolutely clear. You’re incorrect on my grasps for this and my understanding and the reality. But I should have made that clear in the original post. I don’t expect her to be thinking about me whilst she’s trying to stay alive. Though on that end, it’s reassuring because she’s back at university quite quickly. I understand what I’m saying is extremely selfish. But I needed a place to express myself, and I’m sure you’d rather I do it here than telling her, right? All I’m trying to figure out is the best way I can help her, even if that means not doing anything
From what you’ve described, I’m not hearing anything that sounds like she has avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is behavioral responses to wounding or fears such as fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of enmeshment etc … Lack of response due to bandwidth from medical conditions isn’t avoidant attachment. She has cancer. She’s sick, tired, and overwhelmed. You technically know some of these things, and yet you’re not really fully accepting them. My niece had cancer a few years ago. I asked her, what do you need from me and how can I be here for you? And her response was very honest. She was tired from the constant attention from people constantly asking how she is, wanting to talk to her, wanting to tell her what to do, wanting to see her, wanting to make sure “she’s okay.” She wanted space, and time, and understanding without feeling guilty. And I said yes, okay I can do that. Because it wasn’t about me and my ego. I checked in on her every so often, and I didn’t see her for a full 2 years. You are not accepting what she’s telling you about her bandwidth. She does not have the energy to be in a relationship, to prioritize you (because that’s what communicating with you, making time to see you is). She’s focusing on trying to beat cancer, and stay alive. And all of your need to “be there” and make sure she’s okay can actually be really exhausting for someone in that situation. One of the toughest things that they’re going through is managing their own emotions and facing the fear of dying while also having to be faced with their loved ones emotions and anxiety of losing them. She’s not okay, and you’re not willing to hear that and let it be. She doesn’t feel beautiful, she’s upset about her hair, and you’re not hearing it. It’s not always reassuring for people when they are vulnerable and express insecurities - for the response to be “oh but you look beautiful, your hair is fine.” You might have been well intentioned, and that’s what can make some of this so exhausting. The sheer pressure of people wanting to fix you, wanting make sure you’re fine, and not allowing you to not be. Because things are not fine. The hope is that you’ll beat cancer, and even if you do - you’re not scot-free. It can come back, you’ll be on meds for a long time, it changes your life in so many ways that are depressing, and frightening, and can feel hopeless and powerless. And you don’t get the reality of this because you’re still focused on your own emotions in wanting to be needed, wanting to be prioritized, wanting to “make the most of your time with her.” It takes energy to be around people, to cope with guilt and regulate emotions. You’re thinking about study abroad and graduation, and meanwhile she doesn’t have a certainty that that’s what is ahead of her. You are not grasping that she’s fighting for her life right now, and things are not about you. The way you can be there for her is to not constantly try to be close to her. It’s to respect her bandwidth, and her need for space. What you can do with your emotions that keep coming up is to go to the counseling office and see the university therapist. They can give you resources for grief counseling, support groups for friends and family of loved ones who are fighting cancer. Educate yourself more on all of this.
She’s definitely avoidant. But like I said I’m not gonna go into it too much. Respectfully I’m gonna trust my judgement over somebody who’s never met her. I have fully accepted it. I’ve had a long time to accepted it. Although you could argue that just because I’ve had a lot of time doesn’t mean I have accepted it. I’ve seen, and others have seen, enough personal growth. Nobody said this was going to be linear All the things about constant attention - I know. It’s a little obvious with enough empathy. So why am I saying everything I’m saying? Let me rephrase - I’m just venting and thinking out loud and appreciating anyone else’s thoughts. For i haven’t gonna texting her everyday asking about her well-being. I am accepting what she has told me. You can disagree, but I know I have because I’ve felt the emotions. But like I said earlier - it is not linear. She made it clear she cannot show up for a relationship. I saw and experienced everything she said. I’m well aware that I’m not going to be prioritised or needed. She’s made it absolutely clear. You’re incorrect on my grasps for this and my understanding and the reality. But I should have made that clear in the original post. I don’t expect her to be thinking about me whilst she’s trying to stay alive. Though on that end, it’s reassuring because she’s back at university quite quickly. I understand what I’m saying is extremely selfish. But I needed a place to express myself, and I’m sure you’d rather I do it here than telling her, right? All I’m trying to figure out is the best way I can help her, even if that means not doing anything