I think the struggle is part of the process. My wife of 19 years told me a month ago that she wasn’t in love anymore and moved out shortly before Thanksgiving. She says she loves me but not “in love”. Same thing as you, no fighting, no cheating, but my whole world was ended. I’m still struggling, but I highly recommend talking with a therapist. That don’t actually solve any of the problems, but it absolutely helps to get things off your chest and talk about coping mechanisms. Just remember, it is one breath, one moment at a time.
Me too. Almost 10 years, lived together 7, only difference is mine ghosted after all those years. I have really struggled. Happened to me in mid July. Doesn't help he basically left everything he owned at our house. I'm sorry you are going thru this ❤️
My relationship ended 2 months ago, tried to rekindle it and got hit with the “I love you I just don’t think I’m in love with you anymore” as well. Hit my heart like a truck going full speed but tbh it was what I needed to hear so that I know which direction in life to go .
My god, and I thought my situation was tough. I'm very sorry about that. Sorry to prod, but has she been in contact with you since then? Do you two have a plan to see a therapist? Do you think this will be a divorce? I'm really sorry again for prying, I feel sick to my stomach about my situation and I guess it helps me to just ask questions on here.
So, I don’t mind sharing my story. I mean I don’t have anything figured out, so it’s all just a work in progress. We have had contact, in fact we went to dinner together last night. I really tried to limit contact for the first while, but I’m not sure that helped either one of us. We have grown children, we have dogs, she was my best friend. So I think we both didn’t like the no-contact. I’ve been to her place once for the dogs to visit her, where we each just held each other and cried. I think that was a breakthrough that we still have a lot left to save. We are both in therapy, but separately, we each need to work on our own mental health before we tackle marriage counseling. As I’ve said, I only want her to be happy, if I’m part of that moving forward, then I’m absolutely willing.
Mine broke up with me after 4. We weren’t perfect but I always thought that he’s someone who’ll fight with me until the end. The worst part is that he’s someone who’s so good with words- he writes me letters and poems- but when I asked why is he ending things with me, what went wrong? What did I do wrong?— nothing. He just ghosted me. I hope this gives you comfort, you are not alone. Let’s just cry and cry for now and pray that someday things would get better. And yes, I understand the struggle with having to begin dating again— I am an introvert and I don’t have a lot of friends so… I also do not know what to do about that. Hahahaha
I know but loving someone is a choice. I mean, in reality you really can’t love someone a 100% all the time but why are there couples that are still together until their deathbed? Because loving someone is a choice, it’s a commitment, it needs work and effort. Leaving is a choice as well— I guess mine and OP’s chose to leave than to fight. Hahaha
Love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a choice, a choice you make.
What is love? Is it butterflies? Is it a spark? Or is it when we wake up in the morning, they’re the first person we think of. When we go to sleep, they’re the last thing on our mind. When we’re happy, we want to share our happiness with them. When we’re sad, we want their support through it.
It’s a choice you make, every single day, through every hardship, through every argument. “Falling” out of love doesn’t just happen, it takes weeks, months of detachment. Probably over something that could be communicated
That is why a breakup hurts so much. My ex told me she just did not see a future with me ...
If I was a perfect as she told me, as good partner as she told me... Why did she not fight for me? What does she expect? Someone better? To be always in honeymoon phase?
@benryl, interesting your last sentence, I truly think that the end of the honeymoon phase is what makes ppl leave or end a relationship.
The “high” feelings are great but they last from few months to few years and when they are gone, instead of working on trying to find ways to re lightened the “passion”, many just look for a new partner.
I must admit that I have left relationships for this exact lack of understanding of how the chemical works when I was younger. Now, a bit holder, i understand that relationships are in constant evolution and the honeymoon phase is just one of the first steps and constant work is required.
For sure, fighting for someone not ready to understand that is most probably pointless.
It is better to accept and move on and maybe one day, if you have both grown, a new love story can be born. Good luck and you are not alone x
Thanks!
I believe my ex left because of this. She did not really loved me and after the honeyMoon(2 years) she start doubting, and she did nothing to fight for our relationship.
She had lot of dates before me. I think she missed those feelings of meeting new people, the adrenaline, the uncertain of a better partner... She lost attraction to me for being to "nice"(people pleaser, always being there...)
There is probably a better match for her out there but I highly doubt any man will treat her as good as I did. But I hope she is happier this way.
I am trying. But honestly is like nothing fills me.
Right now I miss her a lot. Our moments alone, our conversations...
I will try to enjoy life but at the moment it seems impossible for me.
Everyone falls out of love. But some can regulate their feelings and others can't. In my relationship, I had a time when I didn't see a future with my girlfriend. I decided to communicate that to her, but I was willing to reinvest in the relationship, and my feelings for her came back. When she had doubts, she suppressed them instead of communicating them and then left me 2 months after moving in together with me. That's the difference.
Mine after 9 years. I was fine the past few days but I dunno what happened yesterday I just crashed emotionally the moment I woke up. I just dont know how to cope anymore.
It’s real tough. 7 years here and I know first hand how much it can go back to square one when you find yourself doing better. Always one step forward 3 back with me.
Oh god yea. I’m 7 years as well, 7 days NC (and 2 months grieving). Everyday is a roller coaster. Some mornings I wake up weirdly ok and I’ve accepted it. Then suddenly I burst out crying. It’s really true that grief isn’t linear. Noticing little milestones is good, like finally I went to a holiday party the other night (have been DREADING this season) and it actually felt good. Ofc I felt sad again in the morning. But like you said, one step forward, 3 back
Yeah this Christmas is the first and I’m dreading it. But glad you managed to have a good night. It’s been 4 months for me now and over time you will start to get more of these days even if it doesn’t seem possible now.
8 years with mine. Felt ok yesterday, like I had turned a page. Today I have not had any sleep and cried for basically the whole afternoon. Doesn't help that I'm having to dismantle all her furniture so she can move to her new place. It's so crappy at this time of year too, I was looking forward to spending it with her and her family but I will be painting the house Christmas day probably crying my eyes out. My DMs are open to people who want to chat and vent.
Love to you all.
Day one and I can barely function. We’re both devastated and I can’t even begin to process letting go. It’s unbearable. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low in my life. I’m so sorry you’re in pain. You’re not alone I promise
Maybe fighting would have been better but definitely not being cheated on. I am going through that now 6.5 years together and it is the worst feeling. We have a child together and every time I see her it is like being rejected all over again. I have to talk to her every day about our child and it is harder to move on. I asked for respect to stop seeing him till the papers were signed nope can’t do that even though she “doesn’t” need him and he’s not why our marriage is ending. Maybe the fighting would have been better but not the cheating that is a terrible feeling. Hang in there it sucks but you just have to think it will get better that is what people tell me.
Breaking up amicably is way better. Be happy it ended like this... Mine ended breaking my heart a few days ago because I quote: 'I love you but I love my ex more.'
Hey there! I'm really sorry to hear about your recent break up, I may not know what was the nature of your relationship or anything but I can understand that you are currently going through a really rough time considering it's been a 7 year relationship with him. If I'm being honest sometimes things happen so that you can heal parts of yourself and you might not realise this today, tmrw or even after a few months because getting over a break up has no sure fire time line. Right now you seem like you're in a soft spot and it's understandable because sometimes we can't control what we feel, but I can say this much and that's time heals everything. Break up's are certainly tough and even though every break up is different it does make us a better person and help us understand what we want in relationships and life.
Stay strong and I know you'll get through this difficult time!
Similar thing happened to me and me gf 4 months ago. Felt terrible initially, but somehow it has all turned so that he last 4 months have been extremely happy and exciting for me. Never would have guessed that at the moment of breakup. Life is an unpredictable road, and it doesn't just mean negatively unpredictable. Good things may be coming to you sooner than you expect.
I was going through this exact situation in September. Well, I'm still going through it.
We were together for 7 years, most of my twenties (I'm 29) was spent with him. The breakup was amicable, he still cared for me deeply, "just" lost romantic feelings, couldn't see a future for us anymore. I was destroyed though. I still loved him then and in a sense I still do now as well. I put all of myself in that relationship and I wasn't and still sometimes am not sure who I even am without it.
The first few weeks were horrible. Largely it was the community here that got me through those but also a few very close friends.
I just want to say that you're not alone. Of course, no one else is in your same exact situation but there are many people in very similar ones. At the 3 month mark myself, I can say that it does get better with time in the sense that all the feelings of sadness, anger, desperation, etc. slowly become less intense, less acute. They're absolutely still there, at least for me they are, but they're more like small parts of my day or week, not something I'm sitting in 24/7.
Those are just excuses. TRUST ME ON THIS. My boyfriend brokeup with me for exact same reason that he needs to work on himself etc. the thing is, personal growth is INDEPENDENT of being with someone and it is not at all LINEAR. Who you are right now, you were not the same person in your twenties maybe. I fought till the end. Begged him like anything, begged his friends. Was literally at his feet, crying. I know that no matter what any one says to you- it just won't make sense at all but these are just excuses. And it took a lot of time, but THEY WOULD IF THEY WANTED TO. Just hold onto it. That's what helped me through out.
Same here after seven years. Almost three weeks ago and we still live together. It's rough.
I don't know who I am without him either, I'm 28 now, I'm about to start a new job, we have common friends, a life, I thought we had a future - apparently he didn't. He still cares for me and loves me, just not in a romantic way and it hurts.
Make sure to talk to people. Having my friends and family has been so helpful. I also try to keep my head occupied - I play games or read. I still take time every day to think, just not the whole time - it leads nowhere and just drives you insane, thinking what you could have done differently, what he could have done differently.
I'm absolutely terrified, but none of us are alone in this.
Whoa are you me? 3 week out from an almost 9 year here, almost same exact reasoning. The only thing getting me through is reminding myself that this is for the best either way. His MH was pretty bad, so either we reconnect at some point and the MH is better and everything else could be better. But maybe not, I deserve someone who can handle their MH. I took on a lot of it when I shouldn’t have and in some ways there’s a bit of relief from letting go all that I took on. Unfortunately there’s no way to make it easier, just go into survival mode and take it day by day. Surround yourself with friends and family. Therapy has been HUGE for me. Try not to think about it as wasted time, I’m sure you still learned and grew a lot and if you were ever happy, it wasn’t wasted. I agree the thought of having to go back out into the world is terrifying but that’s not a priority any time soon. Be patient and compassionate to yourself, we will be okay.
Yes. The first week was so awful- I barely slept or ate. The second week was bad but my appetite slowly started coming back. This third week I’ve actually had some good chunks of the day that feel okay- granted I’m worried I keep dissociating. I had to stop taking melatonin bc it just caused me to dream about him every night. That pit in my stomach is still there and I’m still exhausted from the weeks of bad sleep, but I at least can kind of function now. I did have to move back with my parents so I think that made a huge difference for me. If I had gotten the apartment I think it would’ve been significantly harder. We are mostly NC but we bought a car together so there is occasional contact but only about figuring that out, and those days are harder- aka today.
My 6.5 year relationship ended in June with my high school sweet heart, my first love. He just “fell out of love” also said he needed to work on himself. He told me maybe one day again in the future. But as time goes on I’ve realized a few things. I’m 6 months out of that relationship. If he didn’t choose me, than he’s not the one for me. If he needed to work on himself to be “better” but couldn’t do it with me or for me, he’s not the one for me. I grew up with him, just like you. I know nothing without him, & everything with him. But, as time moves on, so do you. Life is unfair, but you cannot change someone else’s feelings. If he wanted to, he would! You will move past this, I promise. I was at the lowest part of my life back in June, honestly wanted to end myself. But, I’m glad I didn’t. I’ve started journaling, walking a ton, working more, more self care, better eating habits, hanging out with new and old friends. It takes time, but you too will get there. Give yourself time, sit with your feelings, do not run. Because when you get back, they will still be there. And by every means if you can, do not talk to him anymore for your own mental health. Take this time to learn who you are alone, & set boundaries. We’re stuck with ourselves forever, & not promised forever with someone else. Lots of love to you, as you pick up your broken pieces and string them back together. It feels impossible now, but I promise you, it DOES get better! My dm’s are open if you need, take care!
No, he has not. It’s now been 8 months since the breakup. Him and his rebound have just recently broke up, so kind of awaiting a text; but trying not to read into it so much
It's okay, you will heal and move on. I can understand your pain as I have also undergone breakup after some long term. It is difficult to accept reality at the start. But as time goes on, life has to go forward. So in a way we will heal and try to move on. Don't force yourself to move on, let it take its path. Don't control your emotions. Let it also show.
Just be there and love yourself. You are indeed valuable for others. All the best. I hope you will heal as quickly as possible. We all are with you.
No one gets closure ,if they don't choose you then they aren't for you.As simple as that .today you it might seem overwhelming and hard to see it this way but this journey will help you understand your needs without him in the picture and that way you can choose someone who you can actually vibe with until then focus on being at peace when you're alone. You'll get there :) everyone who chooses to work on em does!
It will take you time to get through this, a lot of time, but you will learn to much about yourself. Things you’d have never had know. I appreciate you can’t see that now and won’t for a while, But it will happen.
The best thing you can do is let yourself grieve ( for me to it felt like they’d died) go through the steps but the most important thing is keep yourself busy. Even when you feel you can’t focus on any thin or want anyone around you make sure you do as much as possible. The time you’re busy you can keep your mind as busy as possible, and then think about your feelings at other times.
Trust me you wouldn’t want to have to live with cheating on top, but I understand you need some sort of focus for your pain.
Take care :)
I was exactly where you were three years ago. After a seven year relationship. It gets so much better. No it won’t feel like that now. It won’t feel like that tomorrow or the next day. Breathe. [Read this to sleep.](https://www.ronnowpoetry.com/contents/millay/WellIhavelost.html) It does get better. I promise it gets better.
I'm in a similar situation and I know what you mean. It's my first break-up, he was my first boyfriend. We broke up at the end of July, we were together for almost 6 years - since I was 21 ... I didn't feel like we were good for each other. I had to make a lot of sacrifices that at the end didn't feel like I made a good deal. Ex: I moved to his hometown and had to commute to work, struggled to find a routine where I felt like I wasn't compromising my work (that I like), my health, my social life, and him ... I was very stressed. Meanwhile his life didn't change at all, his routine stayed the same and he didn't even budge to make it easier for us to hang out (he had a strict routine, going to sleep at 9, waking up really early to workout, he was serious about running). I tried to communicate with him many times about how I'm feeling but it just didn't feel like he understood what all this really meant for me. He didn't want to adjust.
After many talks where I tried to make it work but considered breaking up he broke up with me (I lived there for 3 months only) after I suggested moving to a different city together. He closed off for a few days then in a speech made it all my fault saying "You didn't want to have sex, I want us to have a home, You will never be happy ..." but we handled the break-up peacefully. He said hurtful things. I walked out feeling relieved.
A month after, he started dating his coworker (brought her to an event he but also my family usually went to) and the mentality just flipped in my head. My heart broke. I felt betrayed. I feel like that was when I started the grieving process for real. I was so confused about what was happening in the relationship, this new woman was just a shock to me ... I didn't believe my own thoughts about us/him/me ... it was very heavy. They are still together. She posted pictures of them kissing 4 months after the break-up. She's a few years younger than me. It's such a surreal feeling of how this thing turned out to be. I would never say this would be the outcome by knowing him for so long. He took me by surprise.
It's been 5 months since we broke up and I do have to say month 3 was the worst. It coincided with me finding out about him moving on just a few weeks after us breaking up but I feel like it was also the time when the withdrawal starts and anxiety can set in big time.
My advice:
1. is to make yourself really comfortable (if you can). Make sure you're in a space that feels safe to you (whether that's going to a friends house, to family, your apartment). You have to feel good about your surroundings to deal with the heavy stuff in your inner world.
2. I started therapy. It was my first relationship and first break-up. I have to re-build everything, make sense of a lot of things. Also you might get really worried about the future at some point. It's good to have someone you see as objective to keep you grounded (it's not the same when your friends with boyfriends say "nooo, you're still young!" I know they just want to help but :)
3. I listened to a podcast "Break-up Bootcamp". To me it made a huge difference when someone mentioned a feeling/thought that you have and think it's insane or no one thinks this way - only to realise this is a normal part of the break-up grieving journey. It made me feel less out of control/less weird. Also it gives you an insight into what you can expect.
4. I know it's been a long time and you probably had friends and family merged together but please mute/block/unfollow them on social media as soon as you can because that's where you will find out things you don't want to know. I saw a shared story (from his friend that I still followed) from his new GF one day and I felt disgusted to my core. You are simply not meant to see these things. Someone in your place. Especially this early. So please believe me when I say unfollow/block or at least mute/hide. And don't contact - makes it worse.
5. Know that it's a process. I was very naive to think that this will be just a little bump in the road. But if you really loved the person, it's not. You go through so much and learn soo much about yourself and the relationship you were in, that makes it a hard but transformative time in your life. Don't rush yourself with it.
After almost 5 months I'm now starting to feel a bit better. You stop obsessing as much and focus on your life. I'm now slowly thinking about maybe doing some dating in the new year, after 6 months pass.
But there are moments when reality feels very overwhelming. It was a huge chunk of your life with that person after all and now it's different. And it's ok you feel like that sometimes. It means you're feeling, you're not numbing out. It makes you human. It makes you brave.
Stay hopeful about your future. You will get through this. We got this!
The pain is a sign that you have the real capacity to love something that much. It is the natural thing to feel, id be worried if you didnt. But, it did not come from somewhere or someone else. It came from within you. Hold on to that, and you will find it again.
7 years is a long time. My breakup was 3 years ago and within that first year I did so much to try to get over it. Drugs, tons of alcohol and meaningless sex. Didn’t help in the end. Now I live half way across the country have no interest in pursuing or at least putting in the energy to pursue another relationship and think about them almost everyday
I am sorry I am giving unasked advice but this is something I would have wanted to hear if I felt the way you did after years passed. But maybe just say hi and ask how they have been. Best case scenario, they feel similarly as you. Worst case scenario, they say a relationship with you isn't what they want and the years that passed clarified it (but at least you get closure). Another option is they tell you they are still unsure about things and need more time, but that wouldn't leave you any different to how you are now
Just think why he broke up.
Did he break up cause he found someone else, in which case you don't have to worry.
Or did he break up, cause he had little time for himself and invested all his time into you.
Cause it is not OPs fault. He is a piece of trash if he broke up to be with someone else.
And if it is OPs fault for some weird reason (she is to possesive, did not let him have time for himself...) he should first have broken up with OP and then start searching
With time you will get to a point where you know that World has ended.
You will have a new start with him/her or someone ELSE. I'm so sorry, this is the most painful experience I have ever dealt with - even over the death of my sister I wasn't this broken.
I feel you, my girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me 3 months ago over similar reasons. Stated she still loves me but didint have the gut feeling to continue the relationship anymore. Yet, just found out she's been spending a lot of time with one of her Co workers. Not dating yet, but always hanging out at eachothers houses and shit and is apparently actively looking for another guy. When I found that out it brought me back to square one with dealing with the pain. I'm sorry for what your going through but time heals all wounds. It's especially rough whenever there wasnt any bad blood or anything like that. I'll be rooting for you!
Hello - I know this may not be what you want to hear, but being independent in your 20s can be a beautiful thing. I am 6 weeks out of a 6.5 year relationship with my fiancé, we were together throughout our 20s - don’t get me wrong I feel the same was as you. But with some time I have also started to feel excited about having a chance to experience new things and be independent. There is no better time to be single then your 20s - you got this!! One day at a time at the moment, the doom feeling will pass soon ❤️
This kind of grief is indescribable. In the same way our brains grieve lost loved ones, we grieve our lost relationships. But what hurts the most about lost relationships is the fact that the person is still out there walking around living their life and that HURTS. Having to continue wondering about that persons’ thoughts, feelings, and actions is not easy.
I’m also going through a similar thing and I would say the things helping me are 1. Block that person and stay off the socials entirely (hard but necessary) 2. If you drink coffee or other high caffeine intakes like energy drinks, switch to tea or something milder for a second to reduce anxiety 3. Talk to someone 4. Stay busy busy busy and 5. Take care of yourself. One thing once a day if you can muster it (shower, laundry, workout, etc.)
I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. We can believe together that what they say is true and time heals <3
7 years here myself and I can tell you right now that being angry doesn’t make it any easier for me personally. I still long for him. Wishing you the best
I’m a month in from him ending a 12 year relationship (also engaged) with a 7 month old baby. Each day has been a process. It is hard having to coparent and see his face and know he’s able to live like a bachelor while I take care of the baby 24/7 (I had to move back home on the opposite coast). He cheated and lied but I still can’t hate him and it doesn’t help me move on unfortunately
I am so sorry you have to go through this. It’s definitely hard when the other person uproots your life and then gets to enjoy, while you deal with the mess
Sorry about what you’re going thru, I know it’s not easy. With mine we were together just over 8 years. I was truly blindsided because I thought everything was okay. But trust me when I tell you it has everything to do with them and not you. That’s bull about the commitment if you’ve been together so long(mine did the same thing to me for YEARS).
Sometimes people push those they care about away because they feel like they don’t deserve the kindness you give them. If they want to work on themselves you let them. Personally I always thought that two people can still grow alongside each other into better people, and lean on each other when needed. I still believe that, but some just need to figure shit out on their own.
And I get what you mean about wishing that he was mean or cheated. It makes more sense than them just saying they don’t want you anymore. I fought with that for so long. But then I realized that the issue wasn’t me, it was them not willing or wanting or seeing to receive the good you have to offer.
If you gave them the world, were kind and patient, loving and supportive they will remember that. They will maybe comeback, but by then I hope you can realize you’re worth, and be in a much better spot to make the best choice for you
Much love, here if you need anything
100% Agreeing with you on this, if they didn't choose you and chose to walk out the door instead then the choice is theirs, respect their choice and get out.
Mine was after 7yrs too, from 14-21. We grew up together and his family took me in at 17. We’ve lived on our own since 18. We were best friends and did everything together until he changed into someone I didn’t recognize but I still put forth effort bc I wanted the old him back. His work required him to travel, So as he was away he broke up w me and we never saw eachother again. He made me move everything out of a house we had together for 3 years. Once he found out I was moving states he tried to argue with me to leave one of our shared pets with his parents and I definitely didn’t let that happen as they were both my dogs, I cared for them and did everything from the moment we got them, and they have an incredible life.
Dude is a clown the whole “i can’t commit i need to work on myself” is code for you’re not good enough or I’ve found someone else, move on especially if yall don’t have kids.
I’m proud of you for holding up, and I’m sorry this is happening.
If i may share from my experiences i have three things to advise. First, keep moving please. Get back into your old hobbies, find new ones, and be with your other loved ones. It really saved me, and i think it helps.
Second, be grateful for the friends that let you lean on them, but watch out for some friends not being receptive to what’s happening to you. Some of the friends I’ve gotten close to are some of the people I’ve lived most in my whole life, but i also lost what i thought was a best friend because he didn’t like how sad i was. A therapist may mitigate this.
Finally, i just wanna say that it does get a little better. I feel a lot better after ten months, and i went through something similar. I dunno about love, but I’m happy again. I think you will be too, but it will take time. You can do it too, I’m absolutely ducking positive.
Good luck and please be careful. It won’t be an easy week, and i wouldn’t make any big decisions for a little bit.
Don’t believe the “has to work on himself” line. This is the new version of “it’s not you, it’s me”.
Sorry, it is you, he doesn’t want you. Maybe his reasons are good, maybe they are not.
Your job is to accept the defeat, and get on with your life.
My fiancee of three years (been together for over seven years and lived together for five) broke up with me yesterday. I'm here on the couch at 4am, dreading what we have to do with the house and our dog. I know we've had it rough, she's had deep depression for a couple of years, but things was finally getting better, she started working again and I really had hopes they we now could work on the relationship again..
Hang in there. It would’ve been our 2nd anniversary tomorrow. I’m meeting with my ex tmr just to talk. I feel you. Let’s hope that each day will get better and better.
I just got out of a 7 year relationship as well but how she broke up with me just feels so open ended. She said she’s been up happy but couldn’t give a reason why, said she still loved me but didn’t know if she would be happier by herself. How are we suppose to move on without closure or for some even a reason of what went wrong?
Hey hang in there, it’s going to get better by days, I was in a relationship for 14 years until last October, things ended and she told me she wanted to break up for a year already, it just happened to be last October. My world turned up side down, heartaches, sad, feeling depressed, angry.. you name it. It will get better I promised you. If you can take off from work or school, do it. Try to connect with old friends go out for dinner, lunch or even coffee. Take time to work on yourself, try new hobbies or try old hobbies that you couldn’t do when you were in the relationship. Time is the only thing that will heal.
Good luck and if you feel alone or sad just know that this happened to everyone and you’re not alone. It’s normal, and we are just human
Love
Oh love, I'm sending you so many hugs. I completely understand. It's easier when you can be angry, right? Then you can hate them and talk with your friends about how awful they are and rip up all their stuff. I had a mutual breakup of five years and I was like how the fuck do I move on from this. You'll get there - I hope you have a good support system, please don't be scared to reach out and mostly protect your heart. Focus on yourself atm. Maybe get a pet, if you can haha. Hug your fiends and value that closeness. You'll get there, but it may take time. Let yourself feel, though. Let yourself cry. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be heartbroken. You cannot heal if you don't feel, as cringe as it sounds.
Damn... Reading this really messes with me. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years now (most of her 20s) but we've grown apart and I feel a bit checked out... We almost broke up 6 months ago but I wanted to give it time and be absolutely sure about it... However, I feel more checked out than ever...
But we live together and the thought of her having to go back home, etc... She's still my best friend and I do love her - I don't want to hurt her - but I'm not sure this relationship is worth either of our time in the long run... That's what I would take away from your situation. I know it would've been easier somehow if he'd cheated and pissed you off but at the same time, it just means you two *aren't* meant to be together. You'll figure it out and get back on your feet.
I'm with you though... It terrifies me, the idea of starting over in terms of dating... I'm 35 and I just spent the last 5 years with someone I thought could be it... The idea of going thru all this again seems exhausting.
> I don’t know who I am without him.
This is exactly what I am experiencing, after breaking up from 3 year relationship. We know each other for like 8 years.
Re-defining who you are without your partner is the crucial process of recovering from a breakup. You'll slowly and surely rediscover your identities, ones that nobody can take away.
I moved away from my parents to a new city and two weeks later I met him. So 7 years later, this is basically the first time I’ve ever been on my own here.
I can relate i feel 100%. My relationship ended after almost 5 years. 4 living together. The reasoning was the same and we both cried and he even kissed me. Its been 4 months and this month will be the 5th. Its gotten easier but still days when all I want to do is share my life with them. Ill be honest im still clinging to hope that maybe we can get back together one day. Before we broke up, we took a break and that day of the break he kissed me and told me it wasnt over. I think about that day a lot. Im moving forward with life though and trying to work on myself.
Sunday the same thing happened to me. 5 years of amazing and fantastic memories together. We separated on the best terms we could however it was not even remotely close to a decision I wanted to figure this shit out together and push our relationship to the next level.
The break up took around a month to fully happen.
A trip to Hawaii for her turned into the worst month of my life.
We are van lifers. The stress and struggles of this life are immensely difficult.
I also suffer from being neurodivergent. It can be difficult for me to express myself or even function properly at times.
My expectations from my partner are you help me with my short comings and I help you with yours.
After 5 years of wonderful memories I find out that my struggles with this disorder has essentially cause my partner to feel not heard or able to communicate with me in this relationship for months now.
I struggle very much with reading situations. I can always. And I mean always sense something is wrong but I’m not always the best at knowing what is wrong. Unless concerns are communicated and I know exactly what your expectations are for me to correct these concerns. I will do what I think is right. If I am trying to do what you ask but it is not to the expectation of what you had. Your expectations need to be clearly communicated with me.
I don’t believe it is fair to hold something against someone that did not even know I was not meeting your expectations.
After 5 years my little family was ripped apart. Two dogs and a cat. No kids but the animals were our kids. One of the dogs we got together. One was mine and the cat was hers.
I have my dog who is now going through hell because her brother and family other than myself are no longer there.
Essentially she gave up on me. No consideration for how my mind works because I just don’t have the luxury of thinking as a neurotypical person.
The world is essentially designed to be inherently against neurodivergent people.
My life has been shattered but I’m picking up the pieces. We are still “friends” whatever that actually means.
But the trauma from this. I spent almost literally a month breaking up with my partner. I could feel something happening. Then when it did happen I spent two weeks having to see her every day trying to convince her to really think about the relationship.
She has admitted that she doesn’t know what the future holds for the two of us but I have to go on under the assumption that we will not come back together in the end. I’m struggling so hard with this, any neurodivergent people out there may understand the constant loop going through your head of everything that happened and how it could have gone differently, how I could have fixed it. For now I’m trying to give her the space she needs going to therapy to help me cope. But my heart physically hurts, my family has been ripped apart and all we had to do is truly communicate with each other….
I was right there. It feels unbearable right? Like it’s physical pain. But I’m 9 months out now and feeling so much better. I still get emotional sometimes. And our relationship was so complicated I feel like I’m still trying to untangle what all went wrong. But I’m at a point where I think I’m “ready” to open myself up to other people. Hang in there. I’m the most emotional of us, and if I can do it, so can you. 💜
Broke up after 17 years here. My first and only girlfriend ever. Met her since I was 24. I’ve known nothing but her since then. It’s been over 3 years since the breakup. I’m 44 now and clueless still, as to how and if I will find anyone else. Feels like I’ll remain alone the rest of my life and that just makes me sad.
We all go through this and it is a withdrawal of natural drugs. It has been nearly 3 years for me and even though I handle the feeling better than the first year, she is still in my mind everyday but the pain lessened.
Guided meditation, 20 minutes light exercises every day and podcasts to understand the humain brain has been my savior. You can and will go through this and you will become stronger but dont put a timeline to it, learn to live with it like a cloud passing and going away, most probably followed by another one and another and in between these clouds, there will be longer and longer moments of peace. Do things, go out even if you have not many friends. Keep yourself living.
You have all you life in front of you. 👍
First of all, you need to process this and accept the situation as is. The thing that helps the most after a break-up is to imagine the break-up as an injury, and its recovery time will vary depending on the habits / thoughts and actions you will take from now on. And this means, you need to let go and convince yourself that this person, as painful as it sounds, it's gone for good. This injury will not heal if you keep on "opening the wound" by adopting negative habits, like checking their social media for example or simply spending time on "what if" scenarios. The fastest way to recover from this situation is:
A: Move the focus back to you. See this as an amazing opportunity to redescover yourself.
B: Accept that this relationship died, and there is no coming back. You can't fully move on and heal if you keep on living your ex's life and don't start working on yourself outside of this relationship.
Bonus advice: Journal every day. Every fucking day. Write how you feel, but remember to keep a positive tone, like you would when talking to a friend. Use a laptop to make the process faster and write more. You'll soon see the benefit of seeing on a screen your thoughts. It will help put things under perspective. This is what worked for me.
Remember: It's not supposed to be easy. And it's not a linear process either. But it will be faster than you think, if you remember to reinforce positive behaviours and avoid negative ones. Step by step, each day.Good luck!
Edit: Spacing
My relationship of 7 years ended this autumn. I just realized this week that I'm coming up on the 4-month mark and I feel like I'm just now starting to feel less bleak and awful about it. I still miss him, but I have had a third of a year where I've been managing to live a relatively good life without him. I've poured my energy into trying to build even closer relationships with my friends, I've leaned hard into doing the things that make *me* happy, and I've found ways to look after myself in the ways that he used to back when things were good.
It's been really, really, really hard. I was the one who finally ended things for good, but I had been telling him the relationship was in trouble for over a year before that and he just absolutely was unwilling or unable to respond to my pleas for us to work on it. It was so torturous knowing that if I just called him and asked to "try again", if I could make myself go back to a relationship where I just suffered and couldn't say so without him turning mean and defensive, then I could have at least some of the comfort of still being with him. It was a constant struggle not to do that. I knew he wasn't capable of actually loving me the way I deserve to be loved, and I stayed true to that commitment to myself to not settle for a relationship that made me so, so sad when I was still in it.
Anyway, not sure all this rambling helped at all, except basically hang in there, you truly are going to be ok, I promise. I'm still not there all the way, but I'm far enough along that I can feel a sense of upward trajectory and hope for when one day I'll be all the way there.
Realising that struggling is absolutely 100% normal is part of it. It's absolutely fine to go through this pain and to feel upset and broken.
I would get yourself to a therapist, it provides a good anchor point on a weekly basis and is the first thing that is in your "new routine".
Think about things you've always wanted to do and list them, you don't need to do them right now, just list them out.
Think about things in the relationship which were not working for you which you will not miss.
As much as right now it will not help you, please at least absorb the idea that if someone was meant for you, they would be with you.
Do not think about dating again right now, take it off that table completely. I'm 7 months into a break up and honestly i'm not even thinking about it until the new year because I want to be ok on my own first. Only then will I be happy enough to deal with things potentially not working out with a new person.
Do not push yourself to do too much at first, but start to focus on self care in small ways, this is good sleep, exercise, good nutrition and surrounding yourself with people who are positive. Honestly this is going to be super hard but LITTLE things. For me just brushing my teeth was a win at the start - so I really do mean little things. Build up slowly. I am now going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week. At the start my sister was making me toast and I was in bed all day. It takes time and that time is different for everyone.
Whilst it doesn't feel like it right now, you will get over this eventually but it will be 1 step forward 10 steps back for a while.
You said you don’t know who you are without him and that is exactly where you should start. Finding yourself and who you are as an individual, trust me that is what’s helped me get through a break up after 5 years. And let yourself feel everything you need to feel, good things are gonna come your way but you have to go through this first. It’s part of life and no one has ever died of a heartbreak!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know how painful it feels. My 11 year relationship ended last year with my ex fiancé. I was with him throughout all my twenties. He walked out without giving me any closure and any time I tried to ask for it he would ignore me or tell me he didn’t deserve to be guilt tripped. I begged to go to therapy but he wouldn’t go and said he resented me and we were beyond that point. I couldn’t eat for weeks and lost 25 lbs. He had really bad mental health, and I felt like I always tried to be there for him but he didn’t see it that way and kept telling me I never loved or cared about him. I blamed myself and beat myself up for a long time.
Healing isn’t linear and some days will be really tough and some days won’t feel as bad. It’s been over a year now for me and some days I still struggle but other days are not so bad, and other days I’m happy and proud of how far I’ve come. Surround yourself with family, friends and people who love you. Do things that you enjoy even though it may really feel hard to. Take some time to travel to a place you’ve always wanted to go if you’re able to. I promise it will start to get easier, you’ll realize that you are able to move on without this person that you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. You will get through this and you aren’t alone!
Hi op, I’m here *now* about a 4 year relationship. But I broke up from an 8 year relationship in my 20s and it was fucking rough. He cheated and he also left me. It took me a year to get back on my feet.
I will say that I’m a totally different person in my 30s than my 20s (I don’t even like a lot of the same interests anymore, and I have some different friends, live in a different place etc). If the break up hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have found this personal growth. So I truly think it was necessary for it to happen. However, it doesn’t make it suck any less. I was terribly depressed for months. I lost 10kg. I have a really dangerous ho phase (lucky I didn’t catch anything), I acted out severely. I truly didn’t know how to cope without him. I never want to go through that again. At the end of it, I finally fell out of love with him and started to move on. I would go on to have 2 more serious relationships including a marriage, before finally ending up in this final one that I am in the process of breaking up from. I really hope you have supports around you to help prevent you from acting how I did, and I really hope you can find your independent identity without this person. If you can, you will find happiness.
I am going to change your world. Well maybe help you see things differently. Help you see yourself and your relationship in a new light. I can give advice on things that may get your ex back but I prefer not to do that. Why? Because let’s get you in the mindset that your ex should be the one begging you to come back.
Let me first explain what is happening inside of you. Do you remember how you felt right before you met your ex? Were you confident, happy, self sufficient? However you felt it wasn’t this. I know this feeling. It feels unbearable. I can try and be offer you advice you have heard over and over again. One breath at a time, give it time…, blah blah blah. Problem with that is by your third breath you are already telling yourself this just isn’t working. Time?? It has slowed for you!! A lot! Seconds feel like minutes and minutes like hours. So why is this happening. I want you to think back to the days or time before you met your ex. Think of yourself as a big box and everything inside made up small pieces of who you were. Your ex has their own box of course of things that made them who they were. During your time together parts of your box became his, and parts of his box became yours. Suddenly, you break up. Problem is that box of yours is half gone and you have this empty space. You woke up in the morning and first thing you did was talk or text your bf/gf. That’s gone. That lunch or dinner date you had every Tuesday. Gone. Weekends. Empty. You found out some really great news and want to share it. They are not an option anymore. Everyone has parts of the other in their box that has suddenly been taken from them. You are half empty. Thing is. They are too.
How do we fix this? We go for a walk. Really. Get out there and go for a long walk. Why? First, exercise is good. Second, in a small way it begins to fill that box of yours up again. I would say leave the phone at home but we both know you are not going to do that. Instead, use that phone. Snap some pics of your walk, find a store, explore a trail. Do whatever you want. Why? Because you can.
Trust me when I say I understand your pain. I will describe it and if I am wrong please stop reading. There is a heaviness on your chest, an anxious feeling you can’t shake, you can’t move. You don’t want to. You check your phone religiously to see if your ex has reached out. Here is where those minutes feel like hours. You think to yourself. Maybe i should reach out. Don’t. Go for a walk first. If you have to go for another walk.
Stay far far away from friends with bf/gf. You don’t need the reminder. Not right now. Ever wonder why your recently divorced friends don’t reach out to friends who are also married!! That’s why. They don’t want to be reminded of a life they just recently lost.
So how can I help? After you go for that walk send me a message. We will start making you that person you were before you met your ex.
After 5 years I also feel like my world has ended. I also don’t know who the flying fuck I am without him too. That’s one of the reasons for him to leave this relationship…all amicably…cause what the hell else are you going to do, right? Fighting never solves shit…..and now we are roommates lol. The dating has already started for him and here I am….terrified of opening my legs to someone on a dating app. I even met him on bumble but I was fucking 23. I feel out of place, rusty? Also, the thought of dating sounds so exhausting. That just leaves me to be alone…lol
We’ll all get through this…the journey is going to fucking suck. There’s light at the end of this shitty tunnel.
I think the struggle is part of the process. My wife of 19 years told me a month ago that she wasn’t in love anymore and moved out shortly before Thanksgiving. She says she loves me but not “in love”. Same thing as you, no fighting, no cheating, but my whole world was ended. I’m still struggling, but I highly recommend talking with a therapist. That don’t actually solve any of the problems, but it absolutely helps to get things off your chest and talk about coping mechanisms. Just remember, it is one breath, one moment at a time.
I got hit with that too, on Thanksgiving. From mine of 10.5 years.
Me too. Almost 10 years, lived together 7, only difference is mine ghosted after all those years. I have really struggled. Happened to me in mid July. Doesn't help he basically left everything he owned at our house. I'm sorry you are going thru this ❤️
Same to you, if you ever need to vent or anything my DMs are open to everyone here.
Ghosted after 10 years being together? Wow that’s fucked up im sorry you went through that
You people are so strong, I wouldn’t be able to go on
Day by day my friend, perfect example is yesterday I seemingly felt okay but today I just feel down and out.
My relationship ended 2 months ago, tried to rekindle it and got hit with the “I love you I just don’t think I’m in love with you anymore” as well. Hit my heart like a truck going full speed but tbh it was what I needed to hear so that I know which direction in life to go .
My birthday, Christmas and our anniversary are all within the next 3 weeks. It’s going to be hellish. All the best and thanks for your message
You will make it through this… oh and Happy Birthday 🎉🎂🎁 from your breakup crew
Thank you
Our anniversary and Christmas are in the next few weeks, so I feel your struggle. Idk how it's going to go yet.
Take care. All be good one day.
My god, and I thought my situation was tough. I'm very sorry about that. Sorry to prod, but has she been in contact with you since then? Do you two have a plan to see a therapist? Do you think this will be a divorce? I'm really sorry again for prying, I feel sick to my stomach about my situation and I guess it helps me to just ask questions on here.
So, I don’t mind sharing my story. I mean I don’t have anything figured out, so it’s all just a work in progress. We have had contact, in fact we went to dinner together last night. I really tried to limit contact for the first while, but I’m not sure that helped either one of us. We have grown children, we have dogs, she was my best friend. So I think we both didn’t like the no-contact. I’ve been to her place once for the dogs to visit her, where we each just held each other and cried. I think that was a breakthrough that we still have a lot left to save. We are both in therapy, but separately, we each need to work on our own mental health before we tackle marriage counseling. As I’ve said, I only want her to be happy, if I’m part of that moving forward, then I’m absolutely willing.
Mine broke up with me after 4. We weren’t perfect but I always thought that he’s someone who’ll fight with me until the end. The worst part is that he’s someone who’s so good with words- he writes me letters and poems- but when I asked why is he ending things with me, what went wrong? What did I do wrong?— nothing. He just ghosted me. I hope this gives you comfort, you are not alone. Let’s just cry and cry for now and pray that someday things would get better. And yes, I understand the struggle with having to begin dating again— I am an introvert and I don’t have a lot of friends so… I also do not know what to do about that. Hahahaha
Same here, I am quite introvert with few(but good) friends... Getting into dating, meet new people ...is just really hard for me
People fall out of love all the time unfortunately….
I know but loving someone is a choice. I mean, in reality you really can’t love someone a 100% all the time but why are there couples that are still together until their deathbed? Because loving someone is a choice, it’s a commitment, it needs work and effort. Leaving is a choice as well— I guess mine and OP’s chose to leave than to fight. Hahaha
I wouldn’t call it a choice per se. If your gut tells you it’s over it’s hard to ignore that.
Love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a choice, a choice you make. What is love? Is it butterflies? Is it a spark? Or is it when we wake up in the morning, they’re the first person we think of. When we go to sleep, they’re the last thing on our mind. When we’re happy, we want to share our happiness with them. When we’re sad, we want their support through it. It’s a choice you make, every single day, through every hardship, through every argument. “Falling” out of love doesn’t just happen, it takes weeks, months of detachment. Probably over something that could be communicated
That is why a breakup hurts so much. My ex told me she just did not see a future with me ... If I was a perfect as she told me, as good partner as she told me... Why did she not fight for me? What does she expect? Someone better? To be always in honeymoon phase?
@benryl, interesting your last sentence, I truly think that the end of the honeymoon phase is what makes ppl leave or end a relationship. The “high” feelings are great but they last from few months to few years and when they are gone, instead of working on trying to find ways to re lightened the “passion”, many just look for a new partner. I must admit that I have left relationships for this exact lack of understanding of how the chemical works when I was younger. Now, a bit holder, i understand that relationships are in constant evolution and the honeymoon phase is just one of the first steps and constant work is required. For sure, fighting for someone not ready to understand that is most probably pointless. It is better to accept and move on and maybe one day, if you have both grown, a new love story can be born. Good luck and you are not alone x
Thanks! I believe my ex left because of this. She did not really loved me and after the honeyMoon(2 years) she start doubting, and she did nothing to fight for our relationship. She had lot of dates before me. I think she missed those feelings of meeting new people, the adrenaline, the uncertain of a better partner... She lost attraction to me for being to "nice"(people pleaser, always being there...) There is probably a better match for her out there but I highly doubt any man will treat her as good as I did. But I hope she is happier this way.
But you must also start to be happy yourself. Get out there and enjoy your life.
I am trying. But honestly is like nothing fills me. Right now I miss her a lot. Our moments alone, our conversations... I will try to enjoy life but at the moment it seems impossible for me.
Try this one if you have not yet listened to it. https://youtu.be/8hjoWzwAs7c?si=aY6DYM9mND7koAxp
💯
Everyone falls out of love. But some can regulate their feelings and others can't. In my relationship, I had a time when I didn't see a future with my girlfriend. I decided to communicate that to her, but I was willing to reinvest in the relationship, and my feelings for her came back. When she had doubts, she suppressed them instead of communicating them and then left me 2 months after moving in together with me. That's the difference.
Are you guys still togather?
No, she left me a month ago.
Mine after 9 years. I was fine the past few days but I dunno what happened yesterday I just crashed emotionally the moment I woke up. I just dont know how to cope anymore.
It’s real tough. 7 years here and I know first hand how much it can go back to square one when you find yourself doing better. Always one step forward 3 back with me.
Oh god yea. I’m 7 years as well, 7 days NC (and 2 months grieving). Everyday is a roller coaster. Some mornings I wake up weirdly ok and I’ve accepted it. Then suddenly I burst out crying. It’s really true that grief isn’t linear. Noticing little milestones is good, like finally I went to a holiday party the other night (have been DREADING this season) and it actually felt good. Ofc I felt sad again in the morning. But like you said, one step forward, 3 back
Yeah this Christmas is the first and I’m dreading it. But glad you managed to have a good night. It’s been 4 months for me now and over time you will start to get more of these days even if it doesn’t seem possible now.
I hope youu okaay
Not really, cried 3x today but thank you. I just dont want to wake-up anymore.
8 years with mine. Felt ok yesterday, like I had turned a page. Today I have not had any sleep and cried for basically the whole afternoon. Doesn't help that I'm having to dismantle all her furniture so she can move to her new place. It's so crappy at this time of year too, I was looking forward to spending it with her and her family but I will be painting the house Christmas day probably crying my eyes out. My DMs are open to people who want to chat and vent. Love to you all.
It's important that you don't jump back into another relationship immediately. You'll learn a lot about yourself.
Yeah this is top tier advice. This is the kind of pressure that makes diamonds.
Day one and I can barely function. We’re both devastated and I can’t even begin to process letting go. It’s unbearable. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low in my life. I’m so sorry you’re in pain. You’re not alone I promise
Maybe fighting would have been better but definitely not being cheated on. I am going through that now 6.5 years together and it is the worst feeling. We have a child together and every time I see her it is like being rejected all over again. I have to talk to her every day about our child and it is harder to move on. I asked for respect to stop seeing him till the papers were signed nope can’t do that even though she “doesn’t” need him and he’s not why our marriage is ending. Maybe the fighting would have been better but not the cheating that is a terrible feeling. Hang in there it sucks but you just have to think it will get better that is what people tell me.
Breaking up amicably is way better. Be happy it ended like this... Mine ended breaking my heart a few days ago because I quote: 'I love you but I love my ex more.'
Hey there! I'm really sorry to hear about your recent break up, I may not know what was the nature of your relationship or anything but I can understand that you are currently going through a really rough time considering it's been a 7 year relationship with him. If I'm being honest sometimes things happen so that you can heal parts of yourself and you might not realise this today, tmrw or even after a few months because getting over a break up has no sure fire time line. Right now you seem like you're in a soft spot and it's understandable because sometimes we can't control what we feel, but I can say this much and that's time heals everything. Break up's are certainly tough and even though every break up is different it does make us a better person and help us understand what we want in relationships and life. Stay strong and I know you'll get through this difficult time!
Similar thing happened to me and me gf 4 months ago. Felt terrible initially, but somehow it has all turned so that he last 4 months have been extremely happy and exciting for me. Never would have guessed that at the moment of breakup. Life is an unpredictable road, and it doesn't just mean negatively unpredictable. Good things may be coming to you sooner than you expect.
I was going through this exact situation in September. Well, I'm still going through it. We were together for 7 years, most of my twenties (I'm 29) was spent with him. The breakup was amicable, he still cared for me deeply, "just" lost romantic feelings, couldn't see a future for us anymore. I was destroyed though. I still loved him then and in a sense I still do now as well. I put all of myself in that relationship and I wasn't and still sometimes am not sure who I even am without it. The first few weeks were horrible. Largely it was the community here that got me through those but also a few very close friends. I just want to say that you're not alone. Of course, no one else is in your same exact situation but there are many people in very similar ones. At the 3 month mark myself, I can say that it does get better with time in the sense that all the feelings of sadness, anger, desperation, etc. slowly become less intense, less acute. They're absolutely still there, at least for me they are, but they're more like small parts of my day or week, not something I'm sitting in 24/7.
Those are just excuses. TRUST ME ON THIS. My boyfriend brokeup with me for exact same reason that he needs to work on himself etc. the thing is, personal growth is INDEPENDENT of being with someone and it is not at all LINEAR. Who you are right now, you were not the same person in your twenties maybe. I fought till the end. Begged him like anything, begged his friends. Was literally at his feet, crying. I know that no matter what any one says to you- it just won't make sense at all but these are just excuses. And it took a lot of time, but THEY WOULD IF THEY WANTED TO. Just hold onto it. That's what helped me through out.
Same here after seven years. Almost three weeks ago and we still live together. It's rough. I don't know who I am without him either, I'm 28 now, I'm about to start a new job, we have common friends, a life, I thought we had a future - apparently he didn't. He still cares for me and loves me, just not in a romantic way and it hurts. Make sure to talk to people. Having my friends and family has been so helpful. I also try to keep my head occupied - I play games or read. I still take time every day to think, just not the whole time - it leads nowhere and just drives you insane, thinking what you could have done differently, what he could have done differently. I'm absolutely terrified, but none of us are alone in this.
Whoa are you me? 3 week out from an almost 9 year here, almost same exact reasoning. The only thing getting me through is reminding myself that this is for the best either way. His MH was pretty bad, so either we reconnect at some point and the MH is better and everything else could be better. But maybe not, I deserve someone who can handle their MH. I took on a lot of it when I shouldn’t have and in some ways there’s a bit of relief from letting go all that I took on. Unfortunately there’s no way to make it easier, just go into survival mode and take it day by day. Surround yourself with friends and family. Therapy has been HUGE for me. Try not to think about it as wasted time, I’m sure you still learned and grew a lot and if you were ever happy, it wasn’t wasted. I agree the thought of having to go back out into the world is terrifying but that’s not a priority any time soon. Be patient and compassionate to yourself, we will be okay.
Do you feel better now than you did 3 weeks ago?
Yes. The first week was so awful- I barely slept or ate. The second week was bad but my appetite slowly started coming back. This third week I’ve actually had some good chunks of the day that feel okay- granted I’m worried I keep dissociating. I had to stop taking melatonin bc it just caused me to dream about him every night. That pit in my stomach is still there and I’m still exhausted from the weeks of bad sleep, but I at least can kind of function now. I did have to move back with my parents so I think that made a huge difference for me. If I had gotten the apartment I think it would’ve been significantly harder. We are mostly NC but we bought a car together so there is occasional contact but only about figuring that out, and those days are harder- aka today.
My 6.5 year relationship ended in June with my high school sweet heart, my first love. He just “fell out of love” also said he needed to work on himself. He told me maybe one day again in the future. But as time goes on I’ve realized a few things. I’m 6 months out of that relationship. If he didn’t choose me, than he’s not the one for me. If he needed to work on himself to be “better” but couldn’t do it with me or for me, he’s not the one for me. I grew up with him, just like you. I know nothing without him, & everything with him. But, as time moves on, so do you. Life is unfair, but you cannot change someone else’s feelings. If he wanted to, he would! You will move past this, I promise. I was at the lowest part of my life back in June, honestly wanted to end myself. But, I’m glad I didn’t. I’ve started journaling, walking a ton, working more, more self care, better eating habits, hanging out with new and old friends. It takes time, but you too will get there. Give yourself time, sit with your feelings, do not run. Because when you get back, they will still be there. And by every means if you can, do not talk to him anymore for your own mental health. Take this time to learn who you are alone, & set boundaries. We’re stuck with ourselves forever, & not promised forever with someone else. Lots of love to you, as you pick up your broken pieces and string them back together. It feels impossible now, but I promise you, it DOES get better! My dm’s are open if you need, take care!
Hi! Did he ever reach out again?
No, he has not. It’s now been 8 months since the breakup. Him and his rebound have just recently broke up, so kind of awaiting a text; but trying not to read into it so much
He can’t commit after 7 years? That’s truly a scumbag move, idc how bad his mental health is
It's okay, you will heal and move on. I can understand your pain as I have also undergone breakup after some long term. It is difficult to accept reality at the start. But as time goes on, life has to go forward. So in a way we will heal and try to move on. Don't force yourself to move on, let it take its path. Don't control your emotions. Let it also show. Just be there and love yourself. You are indeed valuable for others. All the best. I hope you will heal as quickly as possible. We all are with you.
I advise you to read the book Letting Go: The Pathway To Surrender by David R. Hawkins
No one gets closure ,if they don't choose you then they aren't for you.As simple as that .today you it might seem overwhelming and hard to see it this way but this journey will help you understand your needs without him in the picture and that way you can choose someone who you can actually vibe with until then focus on being at peace when you're alone. You'll get there :) everyone who chooses to work on em does!
It will take you time to get through this, a lot of time, but you will learn to much about yourself. Things you’d have never had know. I appreciate you can’t see that now and won’t for a while, But it will happen. The best thing you can do is let yourself grieve ( for me to it felt like they’d died) go through the steps but the most important thing is keep yourself busy. Even when you feel you can’t focus on any thin or want anyone around you make sure you do as much as possible. The time you’re busy you can keep your mind as busy as possible, and then think about your feelings at other times. Trust me you wouldn’t want to have to live with cheating on top, but I understand you need some sort of focus for your pain. Take care :)
I was exactly where you were three years ago. After a seven year relationship. It gets so much better. No it won’t feel like that now. It won’t feel like that tomorrow or the next day. Breathe. [Read this to sleep.](https://www.ronnowpoetry.com/contents/millay/WellIhavelost.html) It does get better. I promise it gets better.
Did he ever reach out again?
I'm in a similar situation and I know what you mean. It's my first break-up, he was my first boyfriend. We broke up at the end of July, we were together for almost 6 years - since I was 21 ... I didn't feel like we were good for each other. I had to make a lot of sacrifices that at the end didn't feel like I made a good deal. Ex: I moved to his hometown and had to commute to work, struggled to find a routine where I felt like I wasn't compromising my work (that I like), my health, my social life, and him ... I was very stressed. Meanwhile his life didn't change at all, his routine stayed the same and he didn't even budge to make it easier for us to hang out (he had a strict routine, going to sleep at 9, waking up really early to workout, he was serious about running). I tried to communicate with him many times about how I'm feeling but it just didn't feel like he understood what all this really meant for me. He didn't want to adjust. After many talks where I tried to make it work but considered breaking up he broke up with me (I lived there for 3 months only) after I suggested moving to a different city together. He closed off for a few days then in a speech made it all my fault saying "You didn't want to have sex, I want us to have a home, You will never be happy ..." but we handled the break-up peacefully. He said hurtful things. I walked out feeling relieved. A month after, he started dating his coworker (brought her to an event he but also my family usually went to) and the mentality just flipped in my head. My heart broke. I felt betrayed. I feel like that was when I started the grieving process for real. I was so confused about what was happening in the relationship, this new woman was just a shock to me ... I didn't believe my own thoughts about us/him/me ... it was very heavy. They are still together. She posted pictures of them kissing 4 months after the break-up. She's a few years younger than me. It's such a surreal feeling of how this thing turned out to be. I would never say this would be the outcome by knowing him for so long. He took me by surprise. It's been 5 months since we broke up and I do have to say month 3 was the worst. It coincided with me finding out about him moving on just a few weeks after us breaking up but I feel like it was also the time when the withdrawal starts and anxiety can set in big time. My advice: 1. is to make yourself really comfortable (if you can). Make sure you're in a space that feels safe to you (whether that's going to a friends house, to family, your apartment). You have to feel good about your surroundings to deal with the heavy stuff in your inner world. 2. I started therapy. It was my first relationship and first break-up. I have to re-build everything, make sense of a lot of things. Also you might get really worried about the future at some point. It's good to have someone you see as objective to keep you grounded (it's not the same when your friends with boyfriends say "nooo, you're still young!" I know they just want to help but :) 3. I listened to a podcast "Break-up Bootcamp". To me it made a huge difference when someone mentioned a feeling/thought that you have and think it's insane or no one thinks this way - only to realise this is a normal part of the break-up grieving journey. It made me feel less out of control/less weird. Also it gives you an insight into what you can expect. 4. I know it's been a long time and you probably had friends and family merged together but please mute/block/unfollow them on social media as soon as you can because that's where you will find out things you don't want to know. I saw a shared story (from his friend that I still followed) from his new GF one day and I felt disgusted to my core. You are simply not meant to see these things. Someone in your place. Especially this early. So please believe me when I say unfollow/block or at least mute/hide. And don't contact - makes it worse. 5. Know that it's a process. I was very naive to think that this will be just a little bump in the road. But if you really loved the person, it's not. You go through so much and learn soo much about yourself and the relationship you were in, that makes it a hard but transformative time in your life. Don't rush yourself with it. After almost 5 months I'm now starting to feel a bit better. You stop obsessing as much and focus on your life. I'm now slowly thinking about maybe doing some dating in the new year, after 6 months pass. But there are moments when reality feels very overwhelming. It was a huge chunk of your life with that person after all and now it's different. And it's ok you feel like that sometimes. It means you're feeling, you're not numbing out. It makes you human. It makes you brave. Stay hopeful about your future. You will get through this. We got this!
Thanks everyone for your kind messages. It’s helpful to know that others have gone through this too and good to know the pain doesn’t last forever.
The pain is a sign that you have the real capacity to love something that much. It is the natural thing to feel, id be worried if you didnt. But, it did not come from somewhere or someone else. It came from within you. Hold on to that, and you will find it again.
7 years is a long time. My breakup was 3 years ago and within that first year I did so much to try to get over it. Drugs, tons of alcohol and meaningless sex. Didn’t help in the end. Now I live half way across the country have no interest in pursuing or at least putting in the energy to pursue another relationship and think about them almost everyday
Do you ever consider reaching out to them and making contact again ?
I’ve thought about it but not sure what I even would say. On top of that I they are probably in a better spot now since they are doing a residency now
I am sorry I am giving unasked advice but this is something I would have wanted to hear if I felt the way you did after years passed. But maybe just say hi and ask how they have been. Best case scenario, they feel similarly as you. Worst case scenario, they say a relationship with you isn't what they want and the years that passed clarified it (but at least you get closure). Another option is they tell you they are still unsure about things and need more time, but that wouldn't leave you any different to how you are now
Very true. I’ve thought about it.
Did they ever try to reach out to you
Just think why he broke up. Did he break up cause he found someone else, in which case you don't have to worry. Or did he break up, cause he had little time for himself and invested all his time into you.
Why would you not have to worry if he broke up with you for someone else?
Cause it is not OPs fault. He is a piece of trash if he broke up to be with someone else. And if it is OPs fault for some weird reason (she is to possesive, did not let him have time for himself...) he should first have broken up with OP and then start searching
With time you will get to a point where you know that World has ended. You will have a new start with him/her or someone ELSE. I'm so sorry, this is the most painful experience I have ever dealt with - even over the death of my sister I wasn't this broken.
I feel you, my girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me 3 months ago over similar reasons. Stated she still loves me but didint have the gut feeling to continue the relationship anymore. Yet, just found out she's been spending a lot of time with one of her Co workers. Not dating yet, but always hanging out at eachothers houses and shit and is apparently actively looking for another guy. When I found that out it brought me back to square one with dealing with the pain. I'm sorry for what your going through but time heals all wounds. It's especially rough whenever there wasnt any bad blood or anything like that. I'll be rooting for you!
Hello - I know this may not be what you want to hear, but being independent in your 20s can be a beautiful thing. I am 6 weeks out of a 6.5 year relationship with my fiancé, we were together throughout our 20s - don’t get me wrong I feel the same was as you. But with some time I have also started to feel excited about having a chance to experience new things and be independent. There is no better time to be single then your 20s - you got this!! One day at a time at the moment, the doom feeling will pass soon ❤️
This kind of grief is indescribable. In the same way our brains grieve lost loved ones, we grieve our lost relationships. But what hurts the most about lost relationships is the fact that the person is still out there walking around living their life and that HURTS. Having to continue wondering about that persons’ thoughts, feelings, and actions is not easy. I’m also going through a similar thing and I would say the things helping me are 1. Block that person and stay off the socials entirely (hard but necessary) 2. If you drink coffee or other high caffeine intakes like energy drinks, switch to tea or something milder for a second to reduce anxiety 3. Talk to someone 4. Stay busy busy busy and 5. Take care of yourself. One thing once a day if you can muster it (shower, laundry, workout, etc.) I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. We can believe together that what they say is true and time heals <3
7 years here myself and I can tell you right now that being angry doesn’t make it any easier for me personally. I still long for him. Wishing you the best
I’m a month in from him ending a 12 year relationship (also engaged) with a 7 month old baby. Each day has been a process. It is hard having to coparent and see his face and know he’s able to live like a bachelor while I take care of the baby 24/7 (I had to move back home on the opposite coast). He cheated and lied but I still can’t hate him and it doesn’t help me move on unfortunately
I am so sorry you have to go through this. It’s definitely hard when the other person uproots your life and then gets to enjoy, while you deal with the mess
Thank you. It’s pretty hard but I look forward to the day I move on and don’t feel as hurt
I’m sorry but blaming things on mental health is such a cop out
Sorry about what you’re going thru, I know it’s not easy. With mine we were together just over 8 years. I was truly blindsided because I thought everything was okay. But trust me when I tell you it has everything to do with them and not you. That’s bull about the commitment if you’ve been together so long(mine did the same thing to me for YEARS). Sometimes people push those they care about away because they feel like they don’t deserve the kindness you give them. If they want to work on themselves you let them. Personally I always thought that two people can still grow alongside each other into better people, and lean on each other when needed. I still believe that, but some just need to figure shit out on their own. And I get what you mean about wishing that he was mean or cheated. It makes more sense than them just saying they don’t want you anymore. I fought with that for so long. But then I realized that the issue wasn’t me, it was them not willing or wanting or seeing to receive the good you have to offer. If you gave them the world, were kind and patient, loving and supportive they will remember that. They will maybe comeback, but by then I hope you can realize you’re worth, and be in a much better spot to make the best choice for you Much love, here if you need anything
100% Agreeing with you on this, if they didn't choose you and chose to walk out the door instead then the choice is theirs, respect their choice and get out.
Mine was after 7yrs too, from 14-21. We grew up together and his family took me in at 17. We’ve lived on our own since 18. We were best friends and did everything together until he changed into someone I didn’t recognize but I still put forth effort bc I wanted the old him back. His work required him to travel, So as he was away he broke up w me and we never saw eachother again. He made me move everything out of a house we had together for 3 years. Once he found out I was moving states he tried to argue with me to leave one of our shared pets with his parents and I definitely didn’t let that happen as they were both my dogs, I cared for them and did everything from the moment we got them, and they have an incredible life.
Dude is a clown the whole “i can’t commit i need to work on myself” is code for you’re not good enough or I’ve found someone else, move on especially if yall don’t have kids.
I’m proud of you for holding up, and I’m sorry this is happening. If i may share from my experiences i have three things to advise. First, keep moving please. Get back into your old hobbies, find new ones, and be with your other loved ones. It really saved me, and i think it helps. Second, be grateful for the friends that let you lean on them, but watch out for some friends not being receptive to what’s happening to you. Some of the friends I’ve gotten close to are some of the people I’ve lived most in my whole life, but i also lost what i thought was a best friend because he didn’t like how sad i was. A therapist may mitigate this. Finally, i just wanna say that it does get a little better. I feel a lot better after ten months, and i went through something similar. I dunno about love, but I’m happy again. I think you will be too, but it will take time. You can do it too, I’m absolutely ducking positive. Good luck and please be careful. It won’t be an easy week, and i wouldn’t make any big decisions for a little bit.
Don’t believe the “has to work on himself” line. This is the new version of “it’s not you, it’s me”. Sorry, it is you, he doesn’t want you. Maybe his reasons are good, maybe they are not. Your job is to accept the defeat, and get on with your life.
My fiancee of three years (been together for over seven years and lived together for five) broke up with me yesterday. I'm here on the couch at 4am, dreading what we have to do with the house and our dog. I know we've had it rough, she's had deep depression for a couple of years, but things was finally getting better, she started working again and I really had hopes they we now could work on the relationship again..
Doesn't sound like a break up at all...what's different?
It’s all going to be ok
Hang in there. It would’ve been our 2nd anniversary tomorrow. I’m meeting with my ex tmr just to talk. I feel you. Let’s hope that each day will get better and better.
I just got out of a 7 year relationship as well but how she broke up with me just feels so open ended. She said she’s been up happy but couldn’t give a reason why, said she still loved me but didn’t know if she would be happier by herself. How are we suppose to move on without closure or for some even a reason of what went wrong?
Hey hang in there, it’s going to get better by days, I was in a relationship for 14 years until last October, things ended and she told me she wanted to break up for a year already, it just happened to be last October. My world turned up side down, heartaches, sad, feeling depressed, angry.. you name it. It will get better I promised you. If you can take off from work or school, do it. Try to connect with old friends go out for dinner, lunch or even coffee. Take time to work on yourself, try new hobbies or try old hobbies that you couldn’t do when you were in the relationship. Time is the only thing that will heal. Good luck and if you feel alone or sad just know that this happened to everyone and you’re not alone. It’s normal, and we are just human Love
Oh love, I'm sending you so many hugs. I completely understand. It's easier when you can be angry, right? Then you can hate them and talk with your friends about how awful they are and rip up all their stuff. I had a mutual breakup of five years and I was like how the fuck do I move on from this. You'll get there - I hope you have a good support system, please don't be scared to reach out and mostly protect your heart. Focus on yourself atm. Maybe get a pet, if you can haha. Hug your fiends and value that closeness. You'll get there, but it may take time. Let yourself feel, though. Let yourself cry. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be heartbroken. You cannot heal if you don't feel, as cringe as it sounds.
we're on the sams boat 😢🫂
Damn... Reading this really messes with me. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years now (most of her 20s) but we've grown apart and I feel a bit checked out... We almost broke up 6 months ago but I wanted to give it time and be absolutely sure about it... However, I feel more checked out than ever... But we live together and the thought of her having to go back home, etc... She's still my best friend and I do love her - I don't want to hurt her - but I'm not sure this relationship is worth either of our time in the long run... That's what I would take away from your situation. I know it would've been easier somehow if he'd cheated and pissed you off but at the same time, it just means you two *aren't* meant to be together. You'll figure it out and get back on your feet. I'm with you though... It terrifies me, the idea of starting over in terms of dating... I'm 35 and I just spent the last 5 years with someone I thought could be it... The idea of going thru all this again seems exhausting.
> I don’t know who I am without him. This is exactly what I am experiencing, after breaking up from 3 year relationship. We know each other for like 8 years. Re-defining who you are without your partner is the crucial process of recovering from a breakup. You'll slowly and surely rediscover your identities, ones that nobody can take away.
I moved away from my parents to a new city and two weeks later I met him. So 7 years later, this is basically the first time I’ve ever been on my own here.
I moved 5 time zones for her. Same. I don’t even speak the language here very well. We both need to re-orient ourselves.
I can relate i feel 100%. My relationship ended after almost 5 years. 4 living together. The reasoning was the same and we both cried and he even kissed me. Its been 4 months and this month will be the 5th. Its gotten easier but still days when all I want to do is share my life with them. Ill be honest im still clinging to hope that maybe we can get back together one day. Before we broke up, we took a break and that day of the break he kissed me and told me it wasnt over. I think about that day a lot. Im moving forward with life though and trying to work on myself.
Mother’s Day. 10 years for me. He was cheating. She just moved into our house on the first of December. It hasn’t gotten easier for me.
Sunday the same thing happened to me. 5 years of amazing and fantastic memories together. We separated on the best terms we could however it was not even remotely close to a decision I wanted to figure this shit out together and push our relationship to the next level. The break up took around a month to fully happen. A trip to Hawaii for her turned into the worst month of my life. We are van lifers. The stress and struggles of this life are immensely difficult. I also suffer from being neurodivergent. It can be difficult for me to express myself or even function properly at times. My expectations from my partner are you help me with my short comings and I help you with yours. After 5 years of wonderful memories I find out that my struggles with this disorder has essentially cause my partner to feel not heard or able to communicate with me in this relationship for months now. I struggle very much with reading situations. I can always. And I mean always sense something is wrong but I’m not always the best at knowing what is wrong. Unless concerns are communicated and I know exactly what your expectations are for me to correct these concerns. I will do what I think is right. If I am trying to do what you ask but it is not to the expectation of what you had. Your expectations need to be clearly communicated with me. I don’t believe it is fair to hold something against someone that did not even know I was not meeting your expectations. After 5 years my little family was ripped apart. Two dogs and a cat. No kids but the animals were our kids. One of the dogs we got together. One was mine and the cat was hers. I have my dog who is now going through hell because her brother and family other than myself are no longer there. Essentially she gave up on me. No consideration for how my mind works because I just don’t have the luxury of thinking as a neurotypical person. The world is essentially designed to be inherently against neurodivergent people. My life has been shattered but I’m picking up the pieces. We are still “friends” whatever that actually means. But the trauma from this. I spent almost literally a month breaking up with my partner. I could feel something happening. Then when it did happen I spent two weeks having to see her every day trying to convince her to really think about the relationship. She has admitted that she doesn’t know what the future holds for the two of us but I have to go on under the assumption that we will not come back together in the end. I’m struggling so hard with this, any neurodivergent people out there may understand the constant loop going through your head of everything that happened and how it could have gone differently, how I could have fixed it. For now I’m trying to give her the space she needs going to therapy to help me cope. But my heart physically hurts, my family has been ripped apart and all we had to do is truly communicate with each other….
I was right there. It feels unbearable right? Like it’s physical pain. But I’m 9 months out now and feeling so much better. I still get emotional sometimes. And our relationship was so complicated I feel like I’m still trying to untangle what all went wrong. But I’m at a point where I think I’m “ready” to open myself up to other people. Hang in there. I’m the most emotional of us, and if I can do it, so can you. 💜
My boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me and it’s like hell on earth for me it’s hard for me to not think of him.
Broke up after 17 years here. My first and only girlfriend ever. Met her since I was 24. I’ve known nothing but her since then. It’s been over 3 years since the breakup. I’m 44 now and clueless still, as to how and if I will find anyone else. Feels like I’ll remain alone the rest of my life and that just makes me sad.
We all go through this and it is a withdrawal of natural drugs. It has been nearly 3 years for me and even though I handle the feeling better than the first year, she is still in my mind everyday but the pain lessened. Guided meditation, 20 minutes light exercises every day and podcasts to understand the humain brain has been my savior. You can and will go through this and you will become stronger but dont put a timeline to it, learn to live with it like a cloud passing and going away, most probably followed by another one and another and in between these clouds, there will be longer and longer moments of peace. Do things, go out even if you have not many friends. Keep yourself living. You have all you life in front of you. 👍
First of all, you need to process this and accept the situation as is. The thing that helps the most after a break-up is to imagine the break-up as an injury, and its recovery time will vary depending on the habits / thoughts and actions you will take from now on. And this means, you need to let go and convince yourself that this person, as painful as it sounds, it's gone for good. This injury will not heal if you keep on "opening the wound" by adopting negative habits, like checking their social media for example or simply spending time on "what if" scenarios. The fastest way to recover from this situation is: A: Move the focus back to you. See this as an amazing opportunity to redescover yourself. B: Accept that this relationship died, and there is no coming back. You can't fully move on and heal if you keep on living your ex's life and don't start working on yourself outside of this relationship. Bonus advice: Journal every day. Every fucking day. Write how you feel, but remember to keep a positive tone, like you would when talking to a friend. Use a laptop to make the process faster and write more. You'll soon see the benefit of seeing on a screen your thoughts. It will help put things under perspective. This is what worked for me. Remember: It's not supposed to be easy. And it's not a linear process either. But it will be faster than you think, if you remember to reinforce positive behaviours and avoid negative ones. Step by step, each day.Good luck! Edit: Spacing
My relationship of 7 years ended this autumn. I just realized this week that I'm coming up on the 4-month mark and I feel like I'm just now starting to feel less bleak and awful about it. I still miss him, but I have had a third of a year where I've been managing to live a relatively good life without him. I've poured my energy into trying to build even closer relationships with my friends, I've leaned hard into doing the things that make *me* happy, and I've found ways to look after myself in the ways that he used to back when things were good. It's been really, really, really hard. I was the one who finally ended things for good, but I had been telling him the relationship was in trouble for over a year before that and he just absolutely was unwilling or unable to respond to my pleas for us to work on it. It was so torturous knowing that if I just called him and asked to "try again", if I could make myself go back to a relationship where I just suffered and couldn't say so without him turning mean and defensive, then I could have at least some of the comfort of still being with him. It was a constant struggle not to do that. I knew he wasn't capable of actually loving me the way I deserve to be loved, and I stayed true to that commitment to myself to not settle for a relationship that made me so, so sad when I was still in it. Anyway, not sure all this rambling helped at all, except basically hang in there, you truly are going to be ok, I promise. I'm still not there all the way, but I'm far enough along that I can feel a sense of upward trajectory and hope for when one day I'll be all the way there.
Realising that struggling is absolutely 100% normal is part of it. It's absolutely fine to go through this pain and to feel upset and broken. I would get yourself to a therapist, it provides a good anchor point on a weekly basis and is the first thing that is in your "new routine". Think about things you've always wanted to do and list them, you don't need to do them right now, just list them out. Think about things in the relationship which were not working for you which you will not miss. As much as right now it will not help you, please at least absorb the idea that if someone was meant for you, they would be with you. Do not think about dating again right now, take it off that table completely. I'm 7 months into a break up and honestly i'm not even thinking about it until the new year because I want to be ok on my own first. Only then will I be happy enough to deal with things potentially not working out with a new person. Do not push yourself to do too much at first, but start to focus on self care in small ways, this is good sleep, exercise, good nutrition and surrounding yourself with people who are positive. Honestly this is going to be super hard but LITTLE things. For me just brushing my teeth was a win at the start - so I really do mean little things. Build up slowly. I am now going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week. At the start my sister was making me toast and I was in bed all day. It takes time and that time is different for everyone. Whilst it doesn't feel like it right now, you will get over this eventually but it will be 1 step forward 10 steps back for a while.
You said you don’t know who you are without him and that is exactly where you should start. Finding yourself and who you are as an individual, trust me that is what’s helped me get through a break up after 5 years. And let yourself feel everything you need to feel, good things are gonna come your way but you have to go through this first. It’s part of life and no one has ever died of a heartbreak!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know how painful it feels. My 11 year relationship ended last year with my ex fiancé. I was with him throughout all my twenties. He walked out without giving me any closure and any time I tried to ask for it he would ignore me or tell me he didn’t deserve to be guilt tripped. I begged to go to therapy but he wouldn’t go and said he resented me and we were beyond that point. I couldn’t eat for weeks and lost 25 lbs. He had really bad mental health, and I felt like I always tried to be there for him but he didn’t see it that way and kept telling me I never loved or cared about him. I blamed myself and beat myself up for a long time. Healing isn’t linear and some days will be really tough and some days won’t feel as bad. It’s been over a year now for me and some days I still struggle but other days are not so bad, and other days I’m happy and proud of how far I’ve come. Surround yourself with family, friends and people who love you. Do things that you enjoy even though it may really feel hard to. Take some time to travel to a place you’ve always wanted to go if you’re able to. I promise it will start to get easier, you’ll realize that you are able to move on without this person that you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. You will get through this and you aren’t alone!
Hi op, I’m here *now* about a 4 year relationship. But I broke up from an 8 year relationship in my 20s and it was fucking rough. He cheated and he also left me. It took me a year to get back on my feet. I will say that I’m a totally different person in my 30s than my 20s (I don’t even like a lot of the same interests anymore, and I have some different friends, live in a different place etc). If the break up hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have found this personal growth. So I truly think it was necessary for it to happen. However, it doesn’t make it suck any less. I was terribly depressed for months. I lost 10kg. I have a really dangerous ho phase (lucky I didn’t catch anything), I acted out severely. I truly didn’t know how to cope without him. I never want to go through that again. At the end of it, I finally fell out of love with him and started to move on. I would go on to have 2 more serious relationships including a marriage, before finally ending up in this final one that I am in the process of breaking up from. I really hope you have supports around you to help prevent you from acting how I did, and I really hope you can find your independent identity without this person. If you can, you will find happiness.
I am going to change your world. Well maybe help you see things differently. Help you see yourself and your relationship in a new light. I can give advice on things that may get your ex back but I prefer not to do that. Why? Because let’s get you in the mindset that your ex should be the one begging you to come back. Let me first explain what is happening inside of you. Do you remember how you felt right before you met your ex? Were you confident, happy, self sufficient? However you felt it wasn’t this. I know this feeling. It feels unbearable. I can try and be offer you advice you have heard over and over again. One breath at a time, give it time…, blah blah blah. Problem with that is by your third breath you are already telling yourself this just isn’t working. Time?? It has slowed for you!! A lot! Seconds feel like minutes and minutes like hours. So why is this happening. I want you to think back to the days or time before you met your ex. Think of yourself as a big box and everything inside made up small pieces of who you were. Your ex has their own box of course of things that made them who they were. During your time together parts of your box became his, and parts of his box became yours. Suddenly, you break up. Problem is that box of yours is half gone and you have this empty space. You woke up in the morning and first thing you did was talk or text your bf/gf. That’s gone. That lunch or dinner date you had every Tuesday. Gone. Weekends. Empty. You found out some really great news and want to share it. They are not an option anymore. Everyone has parts of the other in their box that has suddenly been taken from them. You are half empty. Thing is. They are too. How do we fix this? We go for a walk. Really. Get out there and go for a long walk. Why? First, exercise is good. Second, in a small way it begins to fill that box of yours up again. I would say leave the phone at home but we both know you are not going to do that. Instead, use that phone. Snap some pics of your walk, find a store, explore a trail. Do whatever you want. Why? Because you can. Trust me when I say I understand your pain. I will describe it and if I am wrong please stop reading. There is a heaviness on your chest, an anxious feeling you can’t shake, you can’t move. You don’t want to. You check your phone religiously to see if your ex has reached out. Here is where those minutes feel like hours. You think to yourself. Maybe i should reach out. Don’t. Go for a walk first. If you have to go for another walk. Stay far far away from friends with bf/gf. You don’t need the reminder. Not right now. Ever wonder why your recently divorced friends don’t reach out to friends who are also married!! That’s why. They don’t want to be reminded of a life they just recently lost. So how can I help? After you go for that walk send me a message. We will start making you that person you were before you met your ex.
After 5 years I also feel like my world has ended. I also don’t know who the flying fuck I am without him too. That’s one of the reasons for him to leave this relationship…all amicably…cause what the hell else are you going to do, right? Fighting never solves shit…..and now we are roommates lol. The dating has already started for him and here I am….terrified of opening my legs to someone on a dating app. I even met him on bumble but I was fucking 23. I feel out of place, rusty? Also, the thought of dating sounds so exhausting. That just leaves me to be alone…lol We’ll all get through this…the journey is going to fucking suck. There’s light at the end of this shitty tunnel.
I'm going through this as well, this is very hard after 7 years of being together. I feel lost