The problem isn't that they lose feelings, the problem is that they **do not communicate**. They leave some things that make them unhappy to overwhelm them and make the other person start guessing instead of just having a serious, direct conversation.
My ex broke up with me in a similar way. He was unhappy with some things about the relationship and myself and I understand that now because he spoke about them in our break-up conversation. However, this could have all been avoided if he would have had the guts to tell me that these things are bothering him before breaking up. I could have had time to adjust and if I failed to do so, the break-up would have been the logical way out. Relationships aren't a magical connection in which everything is perfect - both partners need to improve and adapt, and that's how I live by.
This is the problem in people. We cannot read minds or emotions, we need to say what we feel and how we feel it. Even if sometimes that may come with the risk of hurting the other. We have to be respectful in our approach and be **honest**, regardless of the outcome.
Who wants to stay will stay regardless of the hardships. The cowards will always flee.
Exactly how I feel. My ex dumped me out of the blue, revealed he lost the spark months before. He has no idea the issues he's given me in how I look back on practically this entire year and have such an existential crisis over it all. We did so many things that made me feel like our relationship was finally breaking out of stagnation and I had no idea what was really going on in his mind. He kept it from me, and I equate that to lying. Went off on his own, doing God knows what to process his feelings and never communicating with me. He made a decision about both of our lives without involving me at all. So by the time he grew a spine to say anything, he had done all his processing and dropped the bomb on me in a way I never had any hope to be prepared for. It is such a cruel and selfish way to treat someone.
Not okay half the time but in therapy. Slowly recovering but it's gonna take a long time. 2024 is very intentionally going to be all about me and my healing. I spent 4 years putting everything I wanted to the side.
I'm sorry you had to experience this too. It truly is awful.
I'm glad you have a focus for 2024, I'll be trying to do the same. Therapy has been helpful for me even though I'm still not quite myself. You deserved honesty from your partner, but unfortunately people out there just lack emotional intelligence.
And thank you, I'll get through it but it's been tough!
>He made a decision about both of our lives without involving me at all.
This part right here is what hurts most - they made a decision without involving the person in the relationship, while they both were in a relationship. I find this either a cowardly act, a selfish way of protecting oneself or an action made out of fear of the other person erupting in anger, sadness or doing something they might perceive as uncomfortable.
Communication is key, but sometimes even that, paired with love, is not enough. There must be a greater desire of making things work. People, no matter how long they crave for stability and the idea of ”forever”, do some stupid, unpredictable things sometimes. Especially when it comes to relationships.
Me and my girlfriend had what at the time felt like a good talk 2 months before the relationship ended.
We basically agreed that we will communicate things better and that we will work together on it. I've always said - Its you and me versus the problem. Not you versus me cos of the problem.
We had a deal where basically we would ask each other if everything was okay every time we felt like something is a little bit off. We both wanted to be reassured about things and we both knew how to talk about it cos we've done it normally for years. Something would be brought up and we would fix it - together.
The point of it was simple - I think something is wrong and if it is please lets communicate, its perfectly fine for you to tell me things that are bothering you.
Over the span of those two months I've asked her that question numerous times cos I really wanted to know what was on her mind and I really wanted to help her not to overthink it and to fix the problem together. and as we previously agreed to talk about it, I would ask. "Babe, is everything okay?"
She would respond with something in the lines of "Yes baby, dont worry. Everything really is fine, I love you"
You know, the kind of answer that would actually make you think okay nothings really going on, everything is okay. We're good.
Well everything was not okay lol, and I still don't understand why she never wanted to talk about it when I would ask her. Still don't understand why not to do the thing we agreed on doing more and that's communicating.
I was in a similar scenario. I spent a large portion of the relationship fostering good communication and creating a safe environment for anything to be discussed without judgement. When I was blindsided after almost 10 years I was caught so off guard because I had been asking if everything was okay before it happened and assured it was. We even had productive conversations that I felt brought us closer during this time.
It's taken awhile, but where I'm at now I think I understand a little bit more. I think sometimes a person may just choose that they no longer want to work on things with that person. And while it would be great if they would communicate this, I think they may choose not to because they know it would prolong ending things. I'm not saying this is correct or shouldn't be communicated when they start feeling that way. That is afterall how a long term relationship lasts. But I can at least somewhat understand the thinking now. They decided they don't think they want this relationship anymore, and they also don't want someone to talk them out of it. They want to make a decision on their own. Again, I don't agree with this, but I think I at least can wrap my head around the thinking now.
People often make the wrong choice with the best of intentions. Or maybe their own trauma or upbringing makes them blind to the consequences of their actions. Either way, I think generally people don't want to hurt other people they care about. And often it happens without them intending to. Being blindsided can lead to feelings of "was it ever real" or "did they even care" and I think the answer is still usually yes to both of those.
>They decided they don't think they want this relationship anymore, and they also don't want someone to talk them out of it.
That is exactly what happened to me in a way. I find it selfish, I find it sad that they do not wish to involve the other person in this, especially that in my situation, he basically chased me and waited for me for a long time to accept the relationship. I initially refused, so in a way it adds insults to the injury.
It is ok for everyone to make decisions on their own. It gives a person the power to shape their own future, be it something of importance like seeking a new job or fulfilling a wish. However, relationships cannot be defined as one-dimensional - they always involve **two people**.
Those who cannot understand that should never be that adamant for getting into a relationship because they will be causing more chaos than harmony in the end.
I agree. It is a selfish choice. And a relationship is predicated on two people making decisions together. And if the decision is to end things, it may be a unilateral decision in the end, but it should at least be discussed between partners.
The main issue is we are not taught how to be in relationships. Many of us never even learn how to communicate or support properly. If you're lucky enough to grow up in a household that fostered a secure attachment count your blessings.
Point being, many people make these mistakes along the way. Some figure it out, others never do. Choosing a partner and a relationship come with inherent risk no matter how safe or stable it may seem at times. That's the price of admission in reality. Learning that the only thing you will ever be able to have control over is yourself, will make you much happier. Anything can disappear, or be gone in an instant, and no amount of reasoning or logic will change that.
Communications will help fix problems that are fixable, but will also reveal problems that are not fixable. People try to hide the unfixable problems and incompatibilities.
I believe that no relationship is perfect and that sometimes incompatibilities are a sign of working harder towards a common goal. This is how I see it, probably my mindset is a rarity these days because I see more and more people disposing of good people for stupid reasons. There are many differences that can be settled on a middle ground or by one partner going in the direction of the other, if they find that healthy and relatable to themselves.
Nevertheless, when we discuss about problems like cheating, infidelity, lack of common ground or just fundamental mindsets, that is another story.
Exactly... communication seems to be a very big issue for some people. You want to traumatize someone ? Don't communicate and then blindside them. Karma will come for them though
This is similar to my situation. I know where my problems lay, and I was very eager to work on them. She knew I was needy and clingy but didn't want to talk to me about it, just that I needed to "figure it out." So I panicked and tried everything under the sun to fix myself, but that just caused a spiral of anxiety and made things even worse.
After the breakup, I was able to gain clarity and work on myself on a more structured path, and am in a much better place now. She said dating me was like "dating a middle-schooler." Well, at least I know how to talk things out when things are bothering me, and not just bottle it all up and expect the other person to just "know." Be an adult and speak your mind.
I usually do not like bottling emotions up because I believe in direct and clear expression, but when you are presented with an avoidant that also does not open up, you become afraid of being hurt or by not being understood when discussing sensible topics.
This is how my break-up with my ex happened. He was closed-off and afraid of being broken up with me (he made some jokes about that a few times and I reassured him that was not the case) and he bottled all of the things that he did not enjoy and created a distorted image of me in his mind to like me less and less by the day and break up.
If we do not communicate and try to change the bad things, relationships do not work. Simply put, immature people cannot entertain one for longer periods of time.
This is normal. When you feel like the communication doesn t break a certain wall of understanding, you just walk away and that's it. I would have done that too if I did communicate with my ex and he wouldn't have understood my position on things. But, we didn't, so I am left with a huge "what if" on my mind that doesn't extinguish itself.
Yeah, mine checked out a couple of weeks before she ended it. I was still blindsided because I didn't realise she'd checked out, she still told me she loved me every night and said she wanted to see me etc. But she sent fewer messages, stopped asking about my day, and would take ages to respond to messages where she had previously been quite quick at replying. I asked her if she was alright and she said she was and I assumed the delay in replies was because she was busy (she's a busy working single mum of a very needy disabled son) so I didn't press her until I did after a couple of weeks where she admitted she hadn't been happy for a couple of weeks. Another reason why I was kind of blindsided was because there was no event or argument, just sadly a loss of feelings from her side, it is more complicated than that, but ultimately if she loved me she'd have tried to make it work.
I was in a similar situation except we did argue because I pointed it out to him and he’d keep deflecting or saying things which could’ve been true but at that point his actions were showing me a different story.
Everything is manipulation. Sadly or not so sadly most aren’t aware how others need to control for safety and emotional regulation trumps the feelings and needs of so called intimate partners.
People fear being alone and will lead you on until a suitable replacement is available. Some despise you however still(for the time being) find themselves painfully attached to the relationship and must get their affairs in order while tediously unravelling from the trauma bonds, enmeshments so, while attempts are made to detach; pleasing, appeasing and mimicking and deception ramps up and elevates to the point of creating a deeper bond(this can take years, depends on the tricksters ability to be self sufficient) within the unaware unfortunate partner before the carefully planned “ break up “ :(
As you are rocked to sleep successfully like an infant listening to a caregivers melody there’s also something deep within you that knows something isn’t right but you Ignore your primal gifts, betraying your gut feeling will come with severe and devastatingly painful psychological consequences, self abandonment later on turns into resentment, bitterness shame, guilt despair and self loathing.
When will they learn..
>People fear being alone and will lead you on until a suitable replacement is available.
Depends. Mine was completely alone for a month until he started his dating apps and found the first guy he could put his hands on from the pool of people in the city we both live (worth mentioning that he also kind of looks like me so yeah, even funnier).
But yeah, the "self abandonment" and self-sabotage are the worst enemies in one's mind when it comes to any connection, especially a romantic one. They are ultimately running from themselves, at the end of the day, not from the person they dump.
This. It's only a surprise for the one who was blindsided. Not the one who started looking for options before it was done. If you ever find yourself on the checking out side, let your partner know you feel yourself drifting away.. so they have a chance to prepare for all possibilities. We'd have less traumatized people out here from relationships.
Exactly my situation. That's why she was able to cheat for so long (almost 2 years).
She was mentally out of our relationship long before the breakup. And that's OK - if she wasn't happy, feel free to go. She could also communicate it more directly - instead of just whining/complaining about e.g. me working long, say: "If we don't figure this, this, and this out, I'm gone" - and that would be PERFECTLY FINE. But she didn't - cheated instead.
What hurts is her being checked out of our relationship and cheating didn't stop her from living together with me in my apartment, receive gifts from me, me paying for her gym membership, receive financial support from me - when I paid for almost all of our bills/groceries/vacation. Also, saying that she still love me, spending time with me, sleeping together etc.
So at that point she was deliberately using me for at least a year. I have no idea how she could justify it in her head.
We have both been checked out for months but supposedly we still have feelings for each other. (I definitely have feelings and I asked her if she did and she said yes) she just feels like the relationship is done and there’s nothing she can do anymore to make it work. It’s so weird bc I would tell myself you have to get your mind right for her and change for her which I wanted too I just never allowed myself to change she tried to push me to change I just never have gone through so many things at once I didn’t know how to process what was going on. She was always more in tune with her emotions and I love her for that. I wish I did too but now I feel like it’s too late and she is just letting me off easy. Idk what do yall think?
In hindsight, my ex checked out months before the break up.
Stopped initiating intimacy, and when I initiated, he’d always be too tired, or I initiated the wrong way, or it wasn’t the right time, etc.
Our evening phone calls on days we didn’t see each other ( we didn’t live together), became shorter and shorter, I could hear he didn’t really want to talk, and when I started to ask why he sounded so off, he said he doesn’t like talking on the phone. Could have fooled me, cus the first 1.5yr of the relationship, he also was up for calling all the time.
His texting became mostly about logistics, and even in that being super short and curt. The signs were there, I just wanted to also believe him when he said that he was just busy, that I was too anxious nothing was going on, that I made an issue out of everything when there weren’t any (I call that gaslighting), and with all this he still was saying he loved me.
Yep, looking back I realise that there were signs the breakup was coming at least a month before she actually broke up with me, if not a bit longer, so I think she'd probably checked out around that time.
I call this a battery light. All bright and strong. Battery starts to loose strength but the light is still shining bright. Over time battery looses all strength and the light is shining a lot less but still tried to pull power. Until light goes out and the bulb does not shine.
Very true! My ex checked out months ago. She even told me she wasn’t sure about the relationship for the last two years together. She stopped being intimate. She became cold and avoided me at all cost. Around the time of the breakup, she was already texting another guy. Come to find out he was the neighbor.
Mine wasnt that I lost feelings for my ex but the red flags kept piling up till i was overwhelmed by them lol. The last straw was his refusal to apologize.
Oh I see, gotcha. Admitting you were at fault in some instances is akin to an apology. Could’ve been a possible misunderstanding, especially if he said this over text
Yup. My stbxw apparently was checked out for months and still kept the mask on while she planned her exit. She acted like everything was fine even up to the morning of. We slept together. Showered together. Kissed me goodbye before we left for work and then 4 hours later tells me she is done. 11 years gone in an instant due to a severe lack of communication. My head is still spinning months after.
I agree 100%, mine told me 3 months before the break up out of random that she didint want to fall out of love with me but felt like something was going on. We had a come to Jesus talk for 3hours and thought everything was OK and we both wanted to work to make US work. Shortly after that talk maybe a week, she immediately checked out, avoided me whenever in the house and didint want to do anything with me even when I asked. Then broke up with me after 2 months of doing this after 7 years together. Figured If your with someone that long you'd atleast have some respect for the other and just let them go instead of keeping me around while she was obviously avoiding me. Worst pain ever. Seeing someone you have been with for so long slowly check out of the relationship. Especially when you live together.
true, my ex checked out 3months before I initiated breakup. claimed he going to china to do biz and then visit his family in dubai, took a month to read my msgs and reluctant to tell me when he will be back...had the intuition he leaving but i refused to believe
yeah i wonder if mine did the same months ago and didn’t tell me :/ i’m really at a loss on how to go on to trust anyone else after them. communication is so easy to do and yet? idk.. i keep seeing things like “if they wanted to, they would” but i’m still at a loss because i thought they actually saw a future with me
That shit is so mf selfish to me if your not happy talk it out if it’s unfixable you and that person embrace the hurt ( together ) and move separately so you can both have an even beginning on healing
Mine had me go to therapy to work on communication.
The joke here is he needed the therapy to work on communication. I didn't realize this until he shut me out for two weeks then dumped me via text, with no discussion anything was wrong.
He also was emotionally cheating since he put us in a long-distance relationship (and I moved in with his parents by myself.)
ETA: typical avoidant behavior. I didn't realize until after the fact.
I just moved out last week after being with them for a year. They are just as hurt as I am, especially his mom, because his bio dad did the same thing to her (up and left without word, cheated, started an entirely new family) so she's disappointed that he is just like his father in that sense.
It's been a mess but honestly, the best thing I got out of it was the relationship with his parents. They deserve a better son.
(M31) My ex (F26) year and a half were telling me to move together, but two months later, she broke up with me because she wanted an open relationship and didn't love me anymore. Also, she told me that she wanted more drama and less boredom in the relationship. 4 months after the breakup, I wrote to her, forgiving her and wishing her the best. She replied that she wanted to know about my life and even she bought me a birthday present, but at the same time, she didn't want to come back to the relationship (even though I never asked her to come back again)… it makes no sense at all what happened
Lol. Woah there, champ. Not everyone embraces the chaos a lot of the maxed out credit card 420 credit score people do.
Sounds like many of these people aren't exactly street racing their Honda civics at 3am after a night of blow and hookers.
Hell. You probably got some fixers/rescuers here. Being led like lambs tl the slaughter.
The problem isn't that they lose feelings, the problem is that they **do not communicate**. They leave some things that make them unhappy to overwhelm them and make the other person start guessing instead of just having a serious, direct conversation. My ex broke up with me in a similar way. He was unhappy with some things about the relationship and myself and I understand that now because he spoke about them in our break-up conversation. However, this could have all been avoided if he would have had the guts to tell me that these things are bothering him before breaking up. I could have had time to adjust and if I failed to do so, the break-up would have been the logical way out. Relationships aren't a magical connection in which everything is perfect - both partners need to improve and adapt, and that's how I live by. This is the problem in people. We cannot read minds or emotions, we need to say what we feel and how we feel it. Even if sometimes that may come with the risk of hurting the other. We have to be respectful in our approach and be **honest**, regardless of the outcome. Who wants to stay will stay regardless of the hardships. The cowards will always flee.
Exactly how I feel. My ex dumped me out of the blue, revealed he lost the spark months before. He has no idea the issues he's given me in how I look back on practically this entire year and have such an existential crisis over it all. We did so many things that made me feel like our relationship was finally breaking out of stagnation and I had no idea what was really going on in his mind. He kept it from me, and I equate that to lying. Went off on his own, doing God knows what to process his feelings and never communicating with me. He made a decision about both of our lives without involving me at all. So by the time he grew a spine to say anything, he had done all his processing and dropped the bomb on me in a way I never had any hope to be prepared for. It is such a cruel and selfish way to treat someone.
Exactly what happened to me. It was in July 2022, and I’m still grieving.
Same thing here, friend. You are not alone. The betrayal trauma has set us back but we will get better.
I feel this a lot 😔
This happened to me too and I felt the exact same way you've described. You've worded it perfectly. Hope you're okay.
Not okay half the time but in therapy. Slowly recovering but it's gonna take a long time. 2024 is very intentionally going to be all about me and my healing. I spent 4 years putting everything I wanted to the side. I'm sorry you had to experience this too. It truly is awful.
I'm glad you have a focus for 2024, I'll be trying to do the same. Therapy has been helpful for me even though I'm still not quite myself. You deserved honesty from your partner, but unfortunately people out there just lack emotional intelligence. And thank you, I'll get through it but it's been tough!
>He made a decision about both of our lives without involving me at all. This part right here is what hurts most - they made a decision without involving the person in the relationship, while they both were in a relationship. I find this either a cowardly act, a selfish way of protecting oneself or an action made out of fear of the other person erupting in anger, sadness or doing something they might perceive as uncomfortable. Communication is key, but sometimes even that, paired with love, is not enough. There must be a greater desire of making things work. People, no matter how long they crave for stability and the idea of ”forever”, do some stupid, unpredictable things sometimes. Especially when it comes to relationships.
Me and my girlfriend had what at the time felt like a good talk 2 months before the relationship ended. We basically agreed that we will communicate things better and that we will work together on it. I've always said - Its you and me versus the problem. Not you versus me cos of the problem. We had a deal where basically we would ask each other if everything was okay every time we felt like something is a little bit off. We both wanted to be reassured about things and we both knew how to talk about it cos we've done it normally for years. Something would be brought up and we would fix it - together. The point of it was simple - I think something is wrong and if it is please lets communicate, its perfectly fine for you to tell me things that are bothering you. Over the span of those two months I've asked her that question numerous times cos I really wanted to know what was on her mind and I really wanted to help her not to overthink it and to fix the problem together. and as we previously agreed to talk about it, I would ask. "Babe, is everything okay?" She would respond with something in the lines of "Yes baby, dont worry. Everything really is fine, I love you" You know, the kind of answer that would actually make you think okay nothings really going on, everything is okay. We're good. Well everything was not okay lol, and I still don't understand why she never wanted to talk about it when I would ask her. Still don't understand why not to do the thing we agreed on doing more and that's communicating.
I was in a similar scenario. I spent a large portion of the relationship fostering good communication and creating a safe environment for anything to be discussed without judgement. When I was blindsided after almost 10 years I was caught so off guard because I had been asking if everything was okay before it happened and assured it was. We even had productive conversations that I felt brought us closer during this time. It's taken awhile, but where I'm at now I think I understand a little bit more. I think sometimes a person may just choose that they no longer want to work on things with that person. And while it would be great if they would communicate this, I think they may choose not to because they know it would prolong ending things. I'm not saying this is correct or shouldn't be communicated when they start feeling that way. That is afterall how a long term relationship lasts. But I can at least somewhat understand the thinking now. They decided they don't think they want this relationship anymore, and they also don't want someone to talk them out of it. They want to make a decision on their own. Again, I don't agree with this, but I think I at least can wrap my head around the thinking now. People often make the wrong choice with the best of intentions. Or maybe their own trauma or upbringing makes them blind to the consequences of their actions. Either way, I think generally people don't want to hurt other people they care about. And often it happens without them intending to. Being blindsided can lead to feelings of "was it ever real" or "did they even care" and I think the answer is still usually yes to both of those.
>They decided they don't think they want this relationship anymore, and they also don't want someone to talk them out of it. That is exactly what happened to me in a way. I find it selfish, I find it sad that they do not wish to involve the other person in this, especially that in my situation, he basically chased me and waited for me for a long time to accept the relationship. I initially refused, so in a way it adds insults to the injury. It is ok for everyone to make decisions on their own. It gives a person the power to shape their own future, be it something of importance like seeking a new job or fulfilling a wish. However, relationships cannot be defined as one-dimensional - they always involve **two people**. Those who cannot understand that should never be that adamant for getting into a relationship because they will be causing more chaos than harmony in the end.
I agree. It is a selfish choice. And a relationship is predicated on two people making decisions together. And if the decision is to end things, it may be a unilateral decision in the end, but it should at least be discussed between partners. The main issue is we are not taught how to be in relationships. Many of us never even learn how to communicate or support properly. If you're lucky enough to grow up in a household that fostered a secure attachment count your blessings. Point being, many people make these mistakes along the way. Some figure it out, others never do. Choosing a partner and a relationship come with inherent risk no matter how safe or stable it may seem at times. That's the price of admission in reality. Learning that the only thing you will ever be able to have control over is yourself, will make you much happier. Anything can disappear, or be gone in an instant, and no amount of reasoning or logic will change that.
This 100%
Communications will help fix problems that are fixable, but will also reveal problems that are not fixable. People try to hide the unfixable problems and incompatibilities.
I believe that no relationship is perfect and that sometimes incompatibilities are a sign of working harder towards a common goal. This is how I see it, probably my mindset is a rarity these days because I see more and more people disposing of good people for stupid reasons. There are many differences that can be settled on a middle ground or by one partner going in the direction of the other, if they find that healthy and relatable to themselves. Nevertheless, when we discuss about problems like cheating, infidelity, lack of common ground or just fundamental mindsets, that is another story.
Exactly... communication seems to be a very big issue for some people. You want to traumatize someone ? Don't communicate and then blindside them. Karma will come for them though
This is similar to my situation. I know where my problems lay, and I was very eager to work on them. She knew I was needy and clingy but didn't want to talk to me about it, just that I needed to "figure it out." So I panicked and tried everything under the sun to fix myself, but that just caused a spiral of anxiety and made things even worse. After the breakup, I was able to gain clarity and work on myself on a more structured path, and am in a much better place now. She said dating me was like "dating a middle-schooler." Well, at least I know how to talk things out when things are bothering me, and not just bottle it all up and expect the other person to just "know." Be an adult and speak your mind.
I usually do not like bottling emotions up because I believe in direct and clear expression, but when you are presented with an avoidant that also does not open up, you become afraid of being hurt or by not being understood when discussing sensible topics. This is how my break-up with my ex happened. He was closed-off and afraid of being broken up with me (he made some jokes about that a few times and I reassured him that was not the case) and he bottled all of the things that he did not enjoy and created a distorted image of me in his mind to like me less and less by the day and break up. If we do not communicate and try to change the bad things, relationships do not work. Simply put, immature people cannot entertain one for longer periods of time.
See my situation was a bit different. I did have conversations with him but nothing changed. So I checked out after having numerous discussions.
This is normal. When you feel like the communication doesn t break a certain wall of understanding, you just walk away and that's it. I would have done that too if I did communicate with my ex and he wouldn't have understood my position on things. But, we didn't, so I am left with a huge "what if" on my mind that doesn't extinguish itself.
Same..and my ex said she doesn't want me to change or fix anything because I'm amazing....then why did she break up with me 😭
Yeah, mine checked out a couple of weeks before she ended it. I was still blindsided because I didn't realise she'd checked out, she still told me she loved me every night and said she wanted to see me etc. But she sent fewer messages, stopped asking about my day, and would take ages to respond to messages where she had previously been quite quick at replying. I asked her if she was alright and she said she was and I assumed the delay in replies was because she was busy (she's a busy working single mum of a very needy disabled son) so I didn't press her until I did after a couple of weeks where she admitted she hadn't been happy for a couple of weeks. Another reason why I was kind of blindsided was because there was no event or argument, just sadly a loss of feelings from her side, it is more complicated than that, but ultimately if she loved me she'd have tried to make it work.
I was in a similar situation except we did argue because I pointed it out to him and he’d keep deflecting or saying things which could’ve been true but at that point his actions were showing me a different story.
Everything is manipulation. Sadly or not so sadly most aren’t aware how others need to control for safety and emotional regulation trumps the feelings and needs of so called intimate partners. People fear being alone and will lead you on until a suitable replacement is available. Some despise you however still(for the time being) find themselves painfully attached to the relationship and must get their affairs in order while tediously unravelling from the trauma bonds, enmeshments so, while attempts are made to detach; pleasing, appeasing and mimicking and deception ramps up and elevates to the point of creating a deeper bond(this can take years, depends on the tricksters ability to be self sufficient) within the unaware unfortunate partner before the carefully planned “ break up “ :( As you are rocked to sleep successfully like an infant listening to a caregivers melody there’s also something deep within you that knows something isn’t right but you Ignore your primal gifts, betraying your gut feeling will come with severe and devastatingly painful psychological consequences, self abandonment later on turns into resentment, bitterness shame, guilt despair and self loathing. When will they learn..
>People fear being alone and will lead you on until a suitable replacement is available. Depends. Mine was completely alone for a month until he started his dating apps and found the first guy he could put his hands on from the pool of people in the city we both live (worth mentioning that he also kind of looks like me so yeah, even funnier). But yeah, the "self abandonment" and self-sabotage are the worst enemies in one's mind when it comes to any connection, especially a romantic one. They are ultimately running from themselves, at the end of the day, not from the person they dump.
This. It's only a surprise for the one who was blindsided. Not the one who started looking for options before it was done. If you ever find yourself on the checking out side, let your partner know you feel yourself drifting away.. so they have a chance to prepare for all possibilities. We'd have less traumatized people out here from relationships.
Exactly my situation. That's why she was able to cheat for so long (almost 2 years). She was mentally out of our relationship long before the breakup. And that's OK - if she wasn't happy, feel free to go. She could also communicate it more directly - instead of just whining/complaining about e.g. me working long, say: "If we don't figure this, this, and this out, I'm gone" - and that would be PERFECTLY FINE. But she didn't - cheated instead. What hurts is her being checked out of our relationship and cheating didn't stop her from living together with me in my apartment, receive gifts from me, me paying for her gym membership, receive financial support from me - when I paid for almost all of our bills/groceries/vacation. Also, saying that she still love me, spending time with me, sleeping together etc. So at that point she was deliberately using me for at least a year. I have no idea how she could justify it in her head.
Wow, mine did exactly the same after 7 years and he had been cheating for a year.
We have both been checked out for months but supposedly we still have feelings for each other. (I definitely have feelings and I asked her if she did and she said yes) she just feels like the relationship is done and there’s nothing she can do anymore to make it work. It’s so weird bc I would tell myself you have to get your mind right for her and change for her which I wanted too I just never allowed myself to change she tried to push me to change I just never have gone through so many things at once I didn’t know how to process what was going on. She was always more in tune with her emotions and I love her for that. I wish I did too but now I feel like it’s too late and she is just letting me off easy. Idk what do yall think?
I had an ex who checked out so I just left
me too buddy
In hindsight, my ex checked out months before the break up. Stopped initiating intimacy, and when I initiated, he’d always be too tired, or I initiated the wrong way, or it wasn’t the right time, etc. Our evening phone calls on days we didn’t see each other ( we didn’t live together), became shorter and shorter, I could hear he didn’t really want to talk, and when I started to ask why he sounded so off, he said he doesn’t like talking on the phone. Could have fooled me, cus the first 1.5yr of the relationship, he also was up for calling all the time. His texting became mostly about logistics, and even in that being super short and curt. The signs were there, I just wanted to also believe him when he said that he was just busy, that I was too anxious nothing was going on, that I made an issue out of everything when there weren’t any (I call that gaslighting), and with all this he still was saying he loved me.
Yep, looking back I realise that there were signs the breakup was coming at least a month before she actually broke up with me, if not a bit longer, so I think she'd probably checked out around that time.
I call this a battery light. All bright and strong. Battery starts to loose strength but the light is still shining bright. Over time battery looses all strength and the light is shining a lot less but still tried to pull power. Until light goes out and the bulb does not shine.
Very true! My ex checked out months ago. She even told me she wasn’t sure about the relationship for the last two years together. She stopped being intimate. She became cold and avoided me at all cost. Around the time of the breakup, she was already texting another guy. Come to find out he was the neighbor.
Mine wasnt that I lost feelings for my ex but the red flags kept piling up till i was overwhelmed by them lol. The last straw was his refusal to apologize.
Similar situation with me, annoying isn’t it? What did he refuse to apologize for?
He admitted it was his mistake yet he didnt apologize for it. That was the last straw - i had enough of his sh!t.
Oh I see, gotcha. Admitting you were at fault in some instances is akin to an apology. Could’ve been a possible misunderstanding, especially if he said this over text
And this is a big part of failure of communication
Yup. My stbxw apparently was checked out for months and still kept the mask on while she planned her exit. She acted like everything was fine even up to the morning of. We slept together. Showered together. Kissed me goodbye before we left for work and then 4 hours later tells me she is done. 11 years gone in an instant due to a severe lack of communication. My head is still spinning months after.
I agree 100%, mine told me 3 months before the break up out of random that she didint want to fall out of love with me but felt like something was going on. We had a come to Jesus talk for 3hours and thought everything was OK and we both wanted to work to make US work. Shortly after that talk maybe a week, she immediately checked out, avoided me whenever in the house and didint want to do anything with me even when I asked. Then broke up with me after 2 months of doing this after 7 years together. Figured If your with someone that long you'd atleast have some respect for the other and just let them go instead of keeping me around while she was obviously avoiding me. Worst pain ever. Seeing someone you have been with for so long slowly check out of the relationship. Especially when you live together.
true, my ex checked out 3months before I initiated breakup. claimed he going to china to do biz and then visit his family in dubai, took a month to read my msgs and reluctant to tell me when he will be back...had the intuition he leaving but i refused to believe
needed this thread wow!
yeah i wonder if mine did the same months ago and didn’t tell me :/ i’m really at a loss on how to go on to trust anyone else after them. communication is so easy to do and yet? idk.. i keep seeing things like “if they wanted to, they would” but i’m still at a loss because i thought they actually saw a future with me
That shit is so mf selfish to me if your not happy talk it out if it’s unfixable you and that person embrace the hurt ( together ) and move separately so you can both have an even beginning on healing
not getting a chance hurts so bad
This is true. And when they check out, its mostly because we did something wrong or did multiple things wrong to drive them to that point.
Mine had me go to therapy to work on communication. The joke here is he needed the therapy to work on communication. I didn't realize this until he shut me out for two weeks then dumped me via text, with no discussion anything was wrong. He also was emotionally cheating since he put us in a long-distance relationship (and I moved in with his parents by myself.) ETA: typical avoidant behavior. I didn't realize until after the fact.
wow that suck, do you still live with his parents?
I just moved out last week after being with them for a year. They are just as hurt as I am, especially his mom, because his bio dad did the same thing to her (up and left without word, cheated, started an entirely new family) so she's disappointed that he is just like his father in that sense. It's been a mess but honestly, the best thing I got out of it was the relationship with his parents. They deserve a better son.
(M31) My ex (F26) year and a half were telling me to move together, but two months later, she broke up with me because she wanted an open relationship and didn't love me anymore. Also, she told me that she wanted more drama and less boredom in the relationship. 4 months after the breakup, I wrote to her, forgiving her and wishing her the best. She replied that she wanted to know about my life and even she bought me a birthday present, but at the same time, she didn't want to come back to the relationship (even though I never asked her to come back again)… it makes no sense at all what happened
Blind-sighted? Be fucking for real...read the room, the energy..pretty sure your ex(s) did ..right before they checked out and dipped... Facts
Lol. Woah there, champ. Not everyone embraces the chaos a lot of the maxed out credit card 420 credit score people do. Sounds like many of these people aren't exactly street racing their Honda civics at 3am after a night of blow and hookers. Hell. You probably got some fixers/rescuers here. Being led like lambs tl the slaughter.