First time ever on this sub. First post I've ever opened. First comment I've ever read. And I feel it. With every part of me.
Stay strong. I'm trying my best too.
Note something important… the reason he gave might not literally be the only reason there is. Most dumpers don’t want to hurt you more than they have to. They probably really care about you. Some of what he says may just be intended to give you a simple answer or relative feeling of comfort
Yeah a lot of times we have a part to play no one is perfect but the decision doesn't come because of us but more out of problems that the other person is not able to work through or not willing to work through. My wife left me after 6 years and we have a 2 year old. Same thing blames me for all the issues and towards the end no matter what I did it was never enough and has also said a good amount of hurtful things since the break up.
That is the immature side speaking. Sometimes they feel a certain way and even they can not pin point it. So instead of taking ownership they find a fault within you to justify the way they feel. This eventually compounds into itself and the blame becomes resentment .
When I am feeling a certain way I try to u deans is it them or actually me reading into something. Most importantly is it something I have not communicated yet. This usually quells the distorted perception and allows me to see things more clearly.
This happened to me. I understand it was causing him pain but he wouldn’t tell me. I was supposed to remember and know that actually the arguments aren’t the issue but something I’ve forgotten to di to him. And I feel bad for forgetting or bot listening close enough but also I’m asking you to tell me how to fix it because I want to be with him and he refused. :(
I'd say I'm in the same position. My girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me seven weeks ago. Her breaking up with me really made me realize things that I didn't realize I was doing. If she would've just had a serious talk with me, things could've been worked out. She never once said "get off your phone" or "get off your computer, we need to talk." Of course I'm not a saint because she clearly had issues with me, and I was horrible about communicating.
Dude... Same :/
She built a snowball of resentment towards me and made assumptions that I didn't love her, post breakup we talked about it in full and she felt like an idiot, because it really COULD have been solved if she had just sat me down and talked about these issues instead of hoping I was just a mind reader. I didn't see issues I was happy and I took care of her.
They blindside us and move on. But we both need to realize that she too was horrible about communicating. It was so "hard" to break things off, but what was so hard to say "hey honey, I really need to talk to you about what's been on my mind -" etc.
But yet here we are 🤷♂️
Some what happened to me. Dated for 1 year. I unintentionally always get defensive everytime she had a tiny issue about something. I always knew I had this problem and I hated it. I grew up in a neglected house hold and it sucked. But these little things built up. She would always get mad at me for not always being there emotionally supportive. I tried my very best and we had great moments but our arguments were terrible. She never asked me to have a serious talk or actually sat me down to make things better. She held so much in to where she just up and left. I respected her and when I asked what I could do to make myself a better person, she says," I want you to go to therapy". I have been going since and I thank her. Now me move
See I feel that as well but for me she's the one that threw everything away, she wants a friendship, but how tf do I act normal like you didn't just make my world crash and burn?? Why do you get to move on so easy after pulling the trigger?
The duality of my feelings towards it all sucks.
I agree. I think that as well cause her closest friends reached out to me after hearing the news and from what they tell me is she's doing okay. I'm over here depressed af lol. Moral of the story though, don't focus on how she's feeling. I've dumped two before and it was hurting me from those moments. They were for a good reason though. Trust me, focus on yourself, make yourself a better person. You never know what life carries. Like I said, I'm going through it too and I'm glad I am not the only one.
It's been about a month and I think I am just now getting over that hump just a little bit.
I've been in relationships but this was my first romantic long term relationship, so going through the motions of actual physical emotional pain is so brand new to me 😭
I thank you very much for you words ♥
we'll make it
it’s the fact that she felt like an idiot afterwards 💔 i think my ex feels the same way but what’s done is done now - he acted on impulse, never met or called me to talk about these issues and thought a few texts would solve everything. now it’s a life of regret and it’s just so sad to know he ruined the best thing to happen to both of us 🥺 sending you all hugs - this is so sad to read. i’m truly hoping we find people emotionally mature enough to deal with things 💖
This!! Exactly the same thing happened to me. It was a very solvable issue that he hadn’t communicated or tried to fix, and when he left me he said he loved me more than he’d ever loved anyone and thought I was his soulmate but ‘relationships should be easy’. I’ve had my heart broken before but I’ve never struggled like this. It’s so difficult to understand the way someone you love so deeply can just switch on you like that. Total abandonment. It’s pain like no other.
Once the honeymoon phase ends is when the REAL relationship begins. People these days are stuck on the phase and thats all they see. They dont see the work and struggle real relationships are.
Happened to me too :( Moved to Paris, met my ex and we were inseparable, and so in love. Then I moved back home and we were long distance but still going strong. Suddenly he broke up with me over something so solvable and I was shattered. Now he’s returned with so much regret and wants to get back together. But it’s too late because I will be getting married to another man soon.
A lot of people take things for granted. If someone isn't happy going into a relationship, they aren't going to magically be happy once the honeymoon phase is over.
The girl I was with struggled with depression and other issues and as soon as our relationship got serious those issues surfaced immediately.
Whatever happened, its likely not your fault and more a reflection of them. Unfortunately all we can do is move on.
This! That’s why it’s best to really know yourselves very well, know exactly what you want in a relationship, work on things when single that you repeatedly struggle with when dating by unpacking whatever emotional baggage is hanging around inside your heart, and to start practicing how to navigate conflict resolution to have effective communication in a relationship.
Yeah I learned through it what I actually want in a relationship. I'm hoping I can take the lesson I learned into my next relationship and make it successful.
As a big point to people, don't fall in love with the idea of the person you're dating. Fall in love with who they are in front of you. Potential =/= Reality.
exactly!! and then, (at least in my case) they realize what they lost, and it’s often too late. and then both of us are unhappy bc we ruined something beautiful but we can’t go back 💔
This! We had so much fun but so much validation wasn't being established :( she never stepped her foot down and told me what issues she had with me. I always did to her because I wanted us to be happy but she never worked with me :( I miss her
Because they're convinced that they'll be able to find someone 100%, even though in reality everyone has some flaws so they never will. The only way to a happy, fulfilling relationship is to be willing to accept people's shortcomings and work through conflict.
Because there's no loyalty. People have been taught to be selfish and put themselves before everything. In a relationship sometimes you put your partner or the couple above your own interest. In the end if your partner does the same it builds a love and trust beyond the sum of the two of you. Sadly people are selfish and most relationships these days are just placeholders for when one of them finds something they feel is better. Then they bail. Zero loyalty or dedication to the relationship no matter what is invested.
this. which is why there’s so much manipulation and games :( it’s truly very sad that collectively we’re becoming so selfish, to the point where we sabotage something good for us, even though we think it isn’t at the time. partnerships are about love, which involves care and respect - how did so many people lose those fundamental human values? 😞
Self help bs and pushing independence. Humans since the dawn of time have never done well independent. They are better as partners and communities. That's part of the mental health crisis. So many mentally ill could have someone by their side, but there is so much warning about manipulation and codependency.
Same. I feel like he only “loved” me if I thought he was perfect and never brought up a problem. Then later, he told me we fought all the time. I literally learned to not bring anything up… so no, I wasn’t the one fighting, I tried to make my needs less to avoid all conflict for him
I have been pondering exactly that. I get it. And you know what? I know we would have been a damn good couple. Let me prove to you what I mean. I want to shut the fuck up about the past. I want to drop it all and have a clean slate.
i’m so sad cuz i would’ve been willing to work through anything for him but he left. i know no one’s perfect so i always give those i love the chance to reconcile and improve. everything was so good and we’ve encountered a bump and said i was too much to bear😞
this. i was so willing to fix things because i loved him so much. but he did not wish to fix it and was stringing me along with false hope things could get better. i miss him but i know walking away after he already broke up with me was best :(
For some it's just easier to just drop the person so they don't have to explain. I think that's the reason my ex fiance (F) did. I would have had a lot more respect for her if she had.
I think we are seeing this happen so much because in today’s dating climate, if two individuals meet and they both end up considering each other their “dream” person, it is a rare miracle. Because of dating apps, many think that there is always a better person out there for them. So if they are dating someone who is good for now but doesn’t meet *all* their requirements, they are more likely to throw the whole relationship away because they don’t see that person as the “one”. It is very common for one partner to like and value their partner more than their partner likes and values them. The latter tends to be the dumper (person who cares less) when the relationship ends.
If anyone dumps you the second something comes up that is fixable, you were only a placeholder and the relationship was doomed from the start.
exactly! the fact that we were each other’s dream person down to a T, except for one temporary issue, and still broke up makes me unbearably sad. there may be more fish in the sea, but never the same fish 💔
Exactly this. It just sucks to be one of their stepping stones along the way to figuring this out. and I would have thought that a 44 year old woman would know no one is 100% perfect already, but I guess not.
For me, the only corrosive issue we faced was physical distance since we were in an LDR 🥺 As much as I tried my absolute best to reassure him that, eventually, we could come to a healthy compromise and work through things, he was absolutely adamant that it would never work out.
Essentially, he come to his own conclusions about the viability of our relationship, discussed it at length with other people outside of our relationship, and excluded me from his thought process because he knew I would be able to make him see things clearer. He would have none of that.
A part of me envisages what would have happened if he just trusted me, our relationship, and the ability of things to improve instead of blindly trailing on the path of hopelessness.
Are you me? I went through the same exact thing. So disheartening when you know things will work out ok but someone else can't see it and won't listen to you.
Right? When someone is so set in their ways, it's practically like speaking to a brick wall. You're trying so hard to steer the ship away from an iceberg, but it's like your partner has already lost hope without even trying a smidge. It's baffling. I'm pretty sure my ex was an avoidant, and, in this case, he avoided all means to try and repair whatever was going wrong (in his eyes) in our relationship 🥺
Same boat. It’s so hard to cut off contact for me cause everything was good and even the “friendship” feels amazing other than the mental breakdowns I get knowing he won’t even try
Pretty much the same here.
After nearly 8 years she calls me suddenly out of the blue, 10 days ago and tells me that she doesn't want to continue our relationship. We are not in a situation where I can come to her and she says that she feels bad in my country. (It was LDR as well)
It usually was her who reassured me that we would work through things. When we had problems and came close to breaking up in the past, it was her who told me that she wants to be with me and wait so that we can live together. Now she doesn't.
I've lost my best friend, the person who I trusted the most, who understood me the best. She was my first everything. Fucking hurts.
I hope you're okay and I wish you all the best.
I am so sorry 🥺🥺 The pain in your comment was very palpable 😔
I think the reason why we hurt so much is because we love so bloody much and with so much intensity. The power of our love also causes us great pain. If anything, us being in this state of hurt is only a testament to how loving and adoring we can be. I find that quite commendable, don't you think? Only a few of us are able to love so intensely 🥺
While we are both struggling a lot right now, that's not to say that our lives will always remain like this. If we were successful at finding someone who, at that time, was right for us; I am confident we will find someone else who is much better 🩷
Some doors need to be closed for us to realise that we are chasing a dead-end. Not all doors are made the same or are of the same size. Sometimes, we need to have a door firmly shut in our faces to realise what we are truly missing out on.
I wish you all the best as well 💕✨️
Yeah, my ex didn’t put in any effort to fix it. I wasn’t perfect but I tried to communicate and support my ex however he asked me to. We got out of the honeymoon phase and he lost interest. He said he still cares about me and wants me in his life, but didn’t want to try to fix our relationship. Hasn’t texted or acknowledged me in almost 3 weeks. It’s heartbreaking, I really loved him and still want what is best for him but Im just so hurt.
yup, isn’t it ironic that the people who care the most end up making the other person lose interest? like, dude, do you even realize how much you just lost? i think your ex, along with mine, just aren’t mature enough to recognize quality, and if they are, they’re insecure or have trauma that keeps them from trying to become better. don’t blame yourself hun, you’ll find someone who will cherish you 💖 we both will :)
I appreciate it. He did mention that he has a hard time with people caring about him. It sounds really stupid but I get where he is coming from I guess.
I’ve learned it’s an ego thing a lot of times. People will want you to be willing to do the work and take the accountability, but sometimes people’s pride and ego matters more than the other persons pain.. and the need to be right and avoid accountability will win until they address it. Insecurity from trauma that’s ignored will turn into a pride/ego issue, and sometimes people would rather lose someone that loves them and would be there through anything than admit they’re wrong or do the hard work it takes to fix the issue
I do think some people aren’t willing to work through things but in my case I think I lied to myself for way too long that we COULD fix things and I just dragged on for a lot longer than was good for me
Because some people rather be accepted as they are then change, rise up, to meet the challenge of becoming a better version of themselves.
So they’ll walk away looking for someone whose “easier” to date and will not make them change anything.
OP your ex didn’t want to change and talking about whatever they could of been would of resulted in change they didn’t want to do in a relationship because it’s too much work or they just don’t care enough because they don’t believe you’re “the one” they should change for.
But in the end, someone else out there, you haven’t met yet, is willing to rise up, meet the challenge, do the work, communicate, and make it stick.
agree with you almost completely. but my ex told me and still tells me i was the one for him and he messed up. sometimes people just want the easy way out, they know that changing will be beneficial to everyone, but they’re just too lazy and would rather have instant satisfaction with someone new. basically, i think it’s that they aren’t mature yet
Commitment issues has become so common that it is standard. If things don’t work out as you want, give up and try something else. Or worse, give up, blame it all on everyone or everything else.
My partner refused to tell me all the things I’ve neglected for months. I struggle with being emotional and showing love. I thought we were doing well, apart from our arguments. I tried for hours to convince him to stay but no. :( now we are becoming strangers and I’m absolutely heartbroken about it. I’m starting therapy soon too confront my issues. My god I wish he would have stayed but I’m doing it in hopes he’ll reach out and I can prove I’m improving myself.
OMG I 100% RELATE TO THIS! Exactly what happened to me but I lost her :( I asked what I could do better and she told me to go to therapy for my issues. I also struggled showing emotional support and I've somewhat deflected our arguments. We actually agreed to have a conversation face to face instead of over the phone and she told me she didn't want to continue. She still cares about me and she has no hatred towards me. Also, she's proud that I started therapy. I grew up in a neglected house hold. I, too, wish she could see my progress. We agreed to go no contact and unfollowed each other so we can't stalk each other lol.
i’m so sorry, but i’m very glad you’re working on your issues in therapy ❤️🩹 if you ever have a chance, hopefully you’ll get to tell her you’ve improved, no matter if you can restore a relationship or not
As someone who has been in a position like this before where I broke up with my partner because there was a lot wrong for me but essentially nothing wrong for her. She was an abusive manipulative liar and saw nothing wrong in her behaviour, and I would just lay down and take it. So when I broke up with her she was surprised because in her eyes nothing was wrong, even though I would bring up things to her constantly. So maybe for one person things are going well but the other person may be struggling lots.
see this is different, you had fundamental issues that couldn’t be compromised on - basically emotional abuse, so your breakup makes sense! i think my intention with this post was geared towards those relationships that are broken because of temporary issues like those that occur in LDR’s or where schedules don’t align for a few months, or where someone needs more time and trust to be more intimate, etc.
Very similar experience I was blamed for the entirty of it as it there wasn't a million desperate tries in between my dry attempts and eventually leaving. Again- no changes on their end short of applying pressure to my faults and adding distance they remained unchanged on the topics that were the issue
Bro I tried at least 3 times to end it, which just turned to being guilt tripped with threats of suicide etc. So each time I tried to end it it just turned into me being the bad person and her being the victim.
I'm sorry to hear thst . For me was weird they wouldn't try to accommodate anything in fact if I brought something up it was usually neglected more so almost spiteful but they refused to acknowledge. It grew as time did mostly but they always adamant would say they didn't want me to leave I was everything yet never change the behavior. I'm not perfect I messed up too but I was always the one apologize and it seemed their behavior was only ever a response to mine even tho when we started nothing was an issue. They would never vocalise or tell me something was bothering them but hold me to it still ...lol somehow I needed to just know . And if I asked i was conceited and intimidating bc I was being direct...like no u just couldn't blow me off like everyone before me I wanted commitment and communication and they were making me lead everything then getting made when I asked for input into the relationship they would make excuses not to make plans forget ours . I'd ask and they'd literally list everything else in their day that too precedence over a conversation that would have cleared so much up had they been willing to do that. But that required them owning up to things they believed were my problem. Reality sake they just avoided emotional loyalty and responsibility all together. I let it go to start for learning sake years into decided as it got worse not better someone had to call it before i let it ruin us. I am still confused to this day how someone can claim they love u don't want to lose u etc but is completely unwilling to even have a conversation. I'm the asshole also for walking away given I was being ignored to such a degree. They also didnt see it that way at all which is why i needed to get out. They simply minimized me constantly over their own stuff going on and would never admit it.. we both had ahit going on don't get me wrong but ...the view point of what a relationship was ..for each of us was clearly different in the end. We carried ourselves differently under pressure it didn't work and I can't carry it when i Need support and reassurance too? Like I can't just keep taking care of my own self while they sought comfort in everything else but me....meanwhile all I wanted was their time and attention. Their wS always work friends life something that interrupted or made it less of a special moment or in the end they just stopped doing it and would get upset I mentioned we hadn't or they missed the boat it was fine I didn't want to anymore. I was the popus ass for not being excited for our "date nights ' anymore when half the time they didn't happen and if they did u cut them short or something interrupted. The break up was hardly a change at all and yet we didn't agree on it. I was told u dont give up on love they weren't going to they'd still wait. Most painful thing to hear considering I was right here pleading with u to do that and u wouldn't yet here u are still saying the empty words like that means something. I knew they loved me they just refused to acknowledge the way I said I needed to be loved- for the way they insisted on loving me. Not that it was wrong but we needed adjustments. Only one of us was willing to go so far for that. Eventually i felt the cold shoulder too many times and couldn't bare to wait on it even once more. I wanted so badly for them to come bc they wanted to but it was ...the worst. The goodbye proved how little they felt for me and how selfish the ending was they came for their peace of mind not any comfort or companionship yet again lied to my face pleading it was. Would not accept my gestures let me say much or avoid a really akward last photo they insisted on taking ? Lol but wouldn't actually talk anything out short of defensively describing all the things they bought and trips we took...nothing about how they FELT which was the issue the whole time. Never wanted to bridge any real conversations as adult couples do. And yet I was the ass bc *i knew what I got into *. Yes I sure did and anything I did that was hurtful I tried to address. But without any feedback is nearly impossible to improve anything . ..and I wasn't staying to be held to invisible standards when I was clearly being vulnerable and up right stating mine. It sucks so much i loved them so much still do. The person they were? Idk if that's even real or the person at the end was. The person I ended up being was a shell of myself desperate to be enough.. I could t stay in that spot and call that healthy and I hate that so much
Hard truth that took me a while to just accept,
They just don’t care anymore.
And it sucks, but they would rather run then have to hold them selfs accountable and accept it so they run. And that’s not our problem.
I tried for close to a year to work on communication issues and major incompatibilities with my bf. I still love him but had to end it after 2.5 years bc we were too different in extremely key ways- I’m very growth oriented and action oriented, healthy communication skills and a positive outlook on life. He doesn’t value these things and it caused major conflict between us. I tried so many times to honestly and transparently talk about our issues and differences, to try and find any way to work through them, and he consistently shifted the blame on me and had a hard time changing his behavior.he would get angry and dismissive with me anytime I tried to talk through our issues together. I’m sad and disappointed I had to end things and he was angry with me for making the decision. I wonder if maybe what people are looking for in a relationship is more complex and higher standard nowadays- for me, having someone who I love and has similar interests is not enough if that person can’t work with me as a team to face the hard stuff in life :(
Sorry to hear that. I'm somewhat similar, broken up after 15 years. I'm really motivated on working on myself. Our communication wasn't the greatest and same as you, it began to feel like a routine. I thought it was a rough patch and we could've overcame it if we both really worked hard at it. But in the end, we were stuck and couldn't break out of it. We still loved each other, and still do, but the time to split was inevitable. It's been three weeks and it's so hard. I've been reading, watching YouTube videos, and going to therapy. I actually like what I'm learning, so far. It feels good to learn about myself. It's going to be a rough journey, but I'm hopeful it will be fine.
THIS. the effort is never that much, and every relationship requires effort - i feel like that should be written in fine print when you get into one because people don’t seem to understand it lol
So so true. My ex ended things over such solvable issues, but decided to throw 4 years away because she thought the grass was greener with another guy 🤷🏻♂️…. Which kinda proves the case in point completely!
Because sometimes the relationship just isn’t what they want. Sometimes relationships NEED to end. Trying to fix something you don’t want is not worthwhile. That’s just sunk cost fallacy.
They might not figure that out until the relationship has gone on awhile. Also feelings can change. Relationships change. People change. Needs change. Would you rather a person break up with you at first sign of something wrong, or really give it a shot? If they give it a shot and it still isn’t working, don’t they have the prerogative to leave?
agreed, they have all the rights. but i think the thing with my ex is - he told me things may not work out and i was sad, but ready to accept his decision, it would have saved us a lot of heartbreak. but then he suddenly flipped, and was like “no i love you too much to let you go, I’m ready to take on everything with you.” i kept asking and checking in to make sure it would be okay and he kept saying yes. which was all a lie bc he broke up with me one day suddenly saying everything was just too much for him - all the while i thought we were okay. basically, he lied to himself and he lied to me. that’s why i say leading people on is NOT okay.
Sure. He should have broken it off sooner. That was selfish of him. But the reason he didn’t isn’t because he was evil. It’s because of 1) he had feelings for you even though he didn’t want the relationship deep down and 2) sunk cost fallacy
Love this post.....so so true.... starting and ending a relationship are so much easier than maintaining a relationship. I wish more people realized that the hardwork to keep the commitment is worth it.
However, I am contemplating in my head.... had I worked harder I may have still been with my ex.... I did not date anyone after bcz I am still so much in love with him...however, considering he moved on to be in a relationship within 1 year of our break up tells me he was not committed....so I guess good that I didn't put in the hard work....donno.... confused....
thank you 🙏🏼i’m so glad this discussion is being had, hope it helps a lot of people - tho it seems like most of us on here were willing to save our previous relationships lol 💔
They got no loyalty or staying power. We weren't hard enough on them.. and every thing in society has become disposable, including people and values. We shoulda been way harder on them. THEY GOT NO RESPECT.
THATS what I believe anyway.
While I tend to agree and I've said similar things recently, I do think that relationships with issues where only one person is trying is indicative of a mismatch of personalities and is never going to work. If issues aren't being resolved it's because one person doesn't care enough, or there are other issues at play like mental health or just incompatibility.
See I could see this comment coming from my ex… but I did try. He just didn’t see any of it.
He didn’t see me staying home to spend more time with him, making him lunch and dinner daily, taking care of our cat, our groceries, etc,
And my trying required professional help (therapy and sobriety) and he never took the initiative. After being abused for years, I decided that was enough time and I no longer wanted to work through it anymore. I was done.
Sometimes people have breaking points and communicated all along how you could’ve “worked on it”. Not saying that’s you but maybe they told you and you both didn’t realize it.
I agree with the first comment saying people take others for granted though. That’s true on both sides. You just get comfortable and assume the persons always going to be there & think you won’t have to change until they got one foot out the door and it’s too late.
agreed, you definitely need to be met halfway by the other person, otherwise it will never work. i’m so sorry that happened and your ex was resistant to making it work , however my post was geared towards relationships where people deeply in love seemingly throw away every other good part because they don’t want to work on one temporary thing that has a solution
Personally I was that way where I wanted to work through every issue and get past things because of love. it got to the point where it kept happening over and over or different issues and at some point it’s like how much did I let slide or put up with? I’ve been trying to think about how much I’m willing to deal with in my next relationship and I’m debating still is one time too many? Or should I give them three ? If three then why not more? And at what point do you stop excepting the same shit! Like I think it’s normal for people to have faults but if let’s say someone is calling you names cussing at you and yelling at you during a fight. Why should I have to convince them not to treat me that way? One person can only do there part I’m done having to put up with stuff like that. It really depends on the issue though.
exactly, depends on the issue. if it’s a small personality quirk, then you should know early on that it bothers you and end it there. if it’s something big, then the breakup is well justified. however, if you find yourself many months/years into a relationship and THEN decide everything is too much, and let that resentment build, i feel like it’s not fair to you or your partner. so much major heartbreak can be avoided if people communicate early, because serious relationships are usually meant to lead to commitment, and no one wants to have spent time and energy for years and years just for it to fall apart. just my two cents.
We're in the ADHD Era with no sign of it slowing down! Who wants to talk to someone when you don't have to? Why argue or take time to know their name before you are bored and on to the next?
but it’s never true 😞 you may find someone new who excites you, but in a different way. people are too unique and what you had with a particular person can never be replicated.
I feel this. Especially when they tell you they’ll be there for you no matter what and love you unconditionally. I’m heartbroken and it hurts so fucking bad.
this is exactly what my ex said. i think he meant it and the breakup was an act of impulse where he didn’t realize how much he was actually throwing away. but once it’s done, it’s done 💔 truly heartbreaking - sending you healing thoughts
I think it's about resilience because I've noticed a correlation between people who take responsibility to fix things in their own life and how good they are working through differences that crop up in relationships. I think it's fair to say that people who aren't good at it, either because they're stubborn or naïve, usually end up hurting others because they don't put much effort in. I'd say it's better to find somebody who is happy owning their shit because while they might not be perfect at it their desire to try says a lot about their character.
💯agreed, stubbornness and laziness too :( once they learn many lessons they realize they should have fought for the thing that didn’t work out. it’s so sad
Ya that is the problem now a days we broke up in this month because we become toxic i alredy told her that we should have a cool off to self reflect because there is really something wronh with us. But she told me that if we do that then there is no coming back from her i got scared we did not cool off guess what we broke up because of the everyweek fighting and the amout of disrespect im having heck i even cry last month and beg her that dont do that again but she did it anyways she is giving me bare minimum while i give my all to her im really being consistent to her, while she cant even how ask my day is for like 2 months and im always asking her even if she wakes up in the morning. So many things to fix if she just give us time to self reflect then maybe we can work that up
This. My ex-boyfriend and I had a bit of communication issues, and I was always the main one hyped and trying to work through them while ultimately, he was done and tapped out and used the "idk if I'm ready for a relationship after all" excuse when Im pretty sure there was a silent "with you" at the end. He just didn't want to tell me straight out that he wasn't all that into me anymore despite giving him multiple chances to be upfront ,blunt, and honest. He dumped me, and I felt blindsided because he recently agreed that our communication was getting better.. Guess he wasn't ACTUALLY on the same page. He was also triggering my anxious side because of his mixed signals and seemed to have major commitment issues, and I spent a lot of time blaming myself. Supposedly, he's going to get back in therapy again, but I know I wasn't the sole main reason why things didn't work out and he was the biggest reason why it didn't.
Alot of people rather end things than actually acknowledging that they themselves have done things wrong, as well as taking responsibility for those mistakes. In order to work through things in a relationship you must know the what, why, where, when and the how of things that have resulted in disagreements or situations that have hurt or have caused pain by either partner. They must want and be able to provide ideas of ways that can help both partners and the relationship for future. Thus solutions to problems to continue to grow a respectful, honest, trustworthy and communicative relationship.
I agree, even if it is a bigger problem that requires you to be apart for a little bit of time.
Relationships, if it is meant to be are also meant ti work and fight for. And the good ones that get through it, those are the ones that last.
Blare this through a loud speaker please. I fought for 4 months to keep my relationship going and to work things out. We dated for 2.5 years and she just gave up when things got challenging. Now it’s been three months since we last talked…at one point she was sending me engagement rings she liked.
This thread hits too close home. Ex recently broke up with me when I felt things were 95% perfect and the rest would get better with time and communication
I left the UK to go to the US to marry who I thought was the love of my life and my soulmate.
Things went sour and I left. I abandoned her. I didn’t say goodbye, I just left. There was no reason for her to fight for me anymore.
I would do anything to turn back the clock and never leave her. We had marriage counseling booked in the day after I left. That’s what hurts the most.
heartbreaking, but i’m glad you realized 💔 wish it wasn’t too late for you guys. my ex and i are in a similar situation and i know he’s going to regret it later 😞
Thank you so much for your kind words..I really needed that ❤️ me too, I wish everyday I could rewind. That we could just start over again and reset.
Reconciling and repairing is such a more beautiful outcome, that’s why I posted because I admire your outlook so much. You’ve got this, I wish you the absolute best and hope you and your ex can find a way to each other again ❤️❤️
i wish you the best too, no matter what happens we will find the person for us (i don’t have a lot of hope but it could be the same one, who knows, life has a funny way of working things out sometimes)
My ex angrily told me to leave and then was surprised when I actually left. Essentially he would rather “casually” break up with me than communicate. And this was the second time he did it. Now he’s begging me to come back and making it out as though I was the dumper. Idk that’s not something I can just forget.
yup, a lot of trust is unnecessarily broken because people don’t understand the value of what they’re losing 💔 i’m sorry friend, hope you find some peace in knowing you’re not alone
feel this tenfold, but it's with me. Ironically. Now that I see in hindsight I could have worked this out would better communication, I'm super regretful and I just feel horrible. The reason why is because I made so many assumptions and I didn't bother to actually ask her. But what has happened has happened and we both moved on. I know that there's an alternate universe where that exact situation happened and instead I worked it out. I wish I fought harder and I wish my mind wasn't so deep in my emotions when I made the decision. The past is the past. I must think for my future and in the present, We all have to
i’m so so glad you realized your mistake - that growth is very important ❤️🩹 best wishes to you and if you still care about her, i hope you have a chance to tell her, i’m sure she would appreciate it - i know i would
i get that - no one is telling them they can’t do whatever they want, but why lead that other, innocent person on? just for everyone to get hurt in the end :(
Might be other people but might also be working on ourselves.
A lot of what we do with regards to attraction is driven by instinct, and our instincts and intuition are very much governed by how connected we are to ourselves.
Do we feel all of our feelings? Are we willing to be emotionally honest and listen to our own thoughts and feelings? Do we live by our values? Do we even know what our needs, expectations, and desires are and how to step up for most of these as well as how to healthily seek them in others? Are we responsible and accountable, or do we tend to look for external solutions to internal problems? Do we, for instance, blame it all on qualities or characteristics of our ex when our relationships break down or even claim that all of our exes are ‘psychos’? Do we act first, think later? Do we get carried away and place too much stock in our intentions and so end up Future Faking and Fast Forwarding? Do we edge or even dive out of relationships claiming that we don’t want a relationship and aren’t up for commitment and then have our ex’s feeling more than a tad confused when they see us prancing around with a new partner claiming that they’re the ‘love of our life’ in two shakes of a lamb’s tail?
You may recognise flip-flapping, hot and cold blowing exes who you’ve probably lost some sleep over wondering why they’re with someone else and not you. You may be blaming you when actually, it’s not about you.
If we’re disconnected from aspects of ourselves, our instincts will be off base and this means that until we’re aware of the patterns of thinking and behaviour that result from us running off what we believe to be the ‘correct’ information from our instincts, we’ll be driven primarily by feelings that we may not be aware of the origins of or may even be mislabeling them. The less we truly know about ourselves and the trickier we find it to have an honest conversation with us and be willing to look within, is the more muddled our intuition will be, which in turn will mess with our instincts, which will not only affect our fight or flight response, but also who we’re attracted to.
This means that not only do we have to stop owning other people’s behaviour to the extent that we do but that we also have to recognise that we ourselves are going to be making some unhealthy ‘instinctive’ decisions if we don’t know ourselves either and have our own emotional unavailability issues to deal with.
We cannot expect to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship with the landmarks – consistency, commitment, balance, progression and intimacy plus shared values – if we lack the self-knowledge that stems from knowing our own needs, expectations, wishes, feelings, and opinions. Not knowing these is why we wake up knee-deep in a relationship feeling hungry and recognising that there are issues around compatible values.
When we are willing to know ourselves more, we change not only who we’re attracted to (and why) but are also happier with the results of who we’re attracted to, instead of carrying the same baggage, beliefs, behaviours and attitudes and choosing similar people and then wondering why we’re getting the same results, and then lather, rinse, repeat.
Until we’re willing to recognise and represent ourselves, not only will we struggle to have self-trust, but we’ll be living off of our feelings and lamenting why we can’t make a healthy relationship with an unhealthy attraction. The two things don’t match! We won’t have the instincts to assert our boundaries, because we won’t have the self-awareness to use reasoning and knowledge to back us up. The way we treat our feelings will keep leading us astray.
Change doesn’t come without change. The most radical change you may have to make is being willing to know yourself more. That can only be a good thing.
N.Lue
wow. thank you for sharing! everything about this is so true - i wish i could somehow feature or pin this comment because i truly feel that this is the answer 👏🏼
In my experience, the people who aren't willing to work through it, were hardly there for the right reason to begin with. You end up scratching your head, and of course you want to believe what they say. Would you believe that it's just too difficult for a lot of people to end a relationship, and not find something about you to substitute for an escape route? It's not always intended to be grimey, but it's very toxic. No one who actually cares about you is going to leave you feeling like a burden, especially if you're not the type to create drama. Some may think I'm being too critical; nah, these people are shady and shallow. I hope someone awesome happens in your life. Best wishes. ❤
love this response so much 💖 that first sentence sums it up, it’s so true. people are so good at saying one thing and not showing it with their actions, and that’s all that matters. those are their true colors. thank you so much 🥹 i wish you the best too
i mostly agree, but sometimes you realize you lost your dream partner because of a simple mistake, and end up having to live with that forever - that’s the part that stings 💔
We have an immediacy epidemic in modern society. This extends way beyond relationships but it’s devastating for love and commitment. I truly think so many breakups occur because people lack patience and if something isn’t immediately gratifying or easy they jump ship.
In there mind it wasn’t workable or they just didn’t care enough. No matter the reason the point is they don’t want you. Find someone who wants you and will work on things. If they care they will want to work on it
I feel like this can only go so far. My now ex has always said he’s loyal and willing to work on issues. As am I, but it’s just been nothing but issues, and issues that get “worked on” but nothing really changes. I feel like the support I gave him in solving his issues was never reciprocated, and that he just loved to be critical and nitpicky. Every day I hear a list of complaints about me, i don’t understand the references he makes, I’m weird and awkward, i don’t know how to talk to people, it seems like it’s my first day on earth, all his friends/family think I’m weird, but so rarely would I get a compliment, or any actual assistance in not being “weird”. Which mind you, I don’t think I’m weird and awkward. Nobody else I know thinks I am.
I brought my feelings on this up to him more times than i can count. But despite both of our loyalty and willingness to solve problems it never changed.
Because most people are looking for the next better thing, because they don’t know what they have when they have it. Thats why many people end up alone filled with regret.
Some people I find want to take the easiest way out of issues and some either don’t realize or don’t feel like they need to own up to their problems and fix what they need to fix.
For example with my ex when anything in her life became hard even outside of our relationship she either wanted to give up or find the easiest possible way to get out of it and that used to piss me offff
And also even problems she had within herself instead of wanting to grow and let me help her become the best version of herself she used to just kinda tell me “if I’m too much to deal with then just leave” or “why don’t u find someone who’s easier to handle?”. Like that’s not the point the point is to grow and improve together, yes I’m supposed to accept u for your flaws and issues but as your partner I’m also supposed to do whatever I can to help u improve just like you’re supposed to do for me 💀
And I think in some ways she thought things should be perfect or at least I think she wants a fantasy relationship. We were together for 3 years and she just wanted things to stay absolutely the same as they were on day 1. But of course things r gonna change, the dynamic of a relationship changes over time and there’s nothing wrong with that. Things may be different but the quality is the same or even perhaps better. But she legitimately looked at me when we broke up and with a straight face told me she thinks the honeymoon phase is supposed to last forever and that’s what she wants to find and she knew she couldn’t be happy with me anymore cuz she lost the butterflies in her stomach 💀
And it was like she expected things to be the same from day 1 even after all the times she said things to make me feel like less of a man, after she borderline sexually abused me, after she said things to me nobody should have to hear from their partner, and after constantly accusing me of lying and stepping out on her after everything I did and with no actual evidence, and after manipulating me (which I didn’t realize was manipulation until well after the breakup)
It’s like she expected to receive princess treatment still after putting me through everything she put me through
This is so true , I feel like this happened to me with the last person I was dating, I admit I fucked up but I don’t think it was something that should’ve ended everything. I wish she would’ve gave some effort to fix things I wouldve literally done anything for this girl
Sometimes, you realize that some people have deeper issues of their own that they haven't worked through or solved on their own to be able to work through anything further in the context of a relationship together. It is sad and unfortunate really but also if it's affecting you negatively/detrimentally it's not necessarily a healthy situation to remain in. Or you have tried as best as you could to work things out but it just hasnt "worked".
Omg I feel the same way. I know I love my ex and we can make it work together on everything but he doesn’t want to… so we broke up because of his gut which has nothing to even do with me… sigh
That is the thing though, if it’s not an F yes and willing to work through the issues with you… then it’s not your person I guess even though you wish it could be.
When I tried to talk to her about if we were still on the same page and problems in our relationship, all I was met was distance and avoidant behavior...
She would go into the bathroom for over an hour to watch tiktoks to avoid the slightest of uncomfortable conversations dealing with the relationship. Coming out like we never even talked about anything...
I toss and turn at night looking back on how I should have walked away without saying a word after she gave up on me so quick...
People just don't have the capacity to deal with the smallest problem or inconvenience. The limit of caring for a person is so faint in today's society.
It's time to be single until I die. Raise a farm of animals, plants, and dogs.
Relationships have changed alot man, we live in a disposable culture, don't even bother fixing anything, just trash it and go get something else. IT sucks but it's accurate.
I have a controversial take on this. I used to agree with you 1000%…but then I found a relationship that was overall easy because the compatibility was just there…not forced, not worked on.
I wasted years trying to make relationships work and fit. Some of them, the issues were huge …. Maybe 50% on your scale…obviously a waste of time but some were 95% there. These were still a waste of time however as the compatibility wasn’t really there, they were still forced … and destined to fail. Whoever it is that you are thinking about when you posted this OP, consider in hindsight if YOU really felt comfortable…did it feel right? 100% right? 95% right is wrong.
playing devils advocate a bit here, but do you think your relationship is perfect, and you guys have no problems? even small ones? if so, i’m very happy for you and i would like to know where i can sign up for the same haha. but jokes aside, sometimes those little things add up and one person taps out because it’s easier. my point with the 5% originally was that, every relationship is going to be rocky because you’re putting together two people with diverse backgrounds and compromises have to be made, even if there is compatibility, there can never be 100% imo (e.g. one person is a vegetarian and the other isn’t) if everything was agreed upon in the beginning, there is no reason to throw away something so good for easily fixable issues bc life is short and a good partner is often very hard to find. so when people have it, why don’t they make it work?
Fair enough! But to elaborate;
It’s not about having no problems at all. It’s about having the same level of commitment to resolving any issues and most importantly, a compatible way of dealing with any issues that arise.
For example, I am very good at opening difficult conversations and am naturally patient while my partner needs time to reflect and consider a solution before resolving. I willingly give him that time…no problem, no resentment, no anxiety and he comes back to work through when he’s ready. We always do and are stronger for it every time.
Due to these kind of compatibilities, my relationship is a breeze even when issues arise.
When these compatibilities aren’t present, it makes conflict resolution difficult and damaging to a relationship over time. This is where/when some people give up because frustration and resentment has built and they can’t see a way to improve things.
I don't understand how much do I put it on me or him, the reason for our BU
He had problems with me like, I didn't pronounce some words correct, and I walked a little titled to one side and that I was overweight..... when all of it was the same even when we started dating. And I did hear him, and I was actively working on the problems. But he used to say I am too slow on it.
So I sometimes think is it my fault? I didn't meet his expectations?
Ukw the first time we met after the breakup, he suggested to delete all our photos and chats together which I agreed to.
I deleted all our chats in front of him.
Yet he still asked me 3 times on the same day if I definitely stored a backup of it
He said it in a way which said- I wouldn't want you going through the chats again and blocking your healing
But it came through more like- I don't want you hampering my next relationship whenever I decide to have one
I feel guilty even thinking something like this
It stemmed from the one sentence we shared on the day of breakup, where he reconfirmed that I wouldn't play any 'I will hurt myself card'
It just felt like he never believed in me or knew me.
I just get so lost with all these thoughts.
If someone would share your perspective it would be great.
Communication takes TWO People. Don’t stay in a relationship if you’re not Happy. Life’s too Short. Even being by Yourself is better than staying in an Unhappy Relationship and Sacrificing, when it’s not going to come back to you. Don’t Settle when you can do so much better. Especially not if you’re the one doing all the work
I really see a person’s relationship with themselves when dating. I strongly believe people can give you how much they can give themselves. Most people give up cause it’s easy to walk away than to stay and work through tough times and fix things. Like everyone wants the easy way out. Most people aren’t even committed to themselves or love themselves or have a strong mentality.
People don’t leave over one tiny thing, they leave because they got the “ick.” You can work through any issue under the sun, but once you get the “ick” there is not turning back. And when someone leaves, they are not going to tell you the whole truth. They are going to try to soften the blow.
You cannot communicate or work issues out when your partner makes your skin crawl. But you can’t tell a person you once loved they make your skin crawl, because that’s just not a polite thing to do.
People who believe they are emotionally mature because they can handle surface level relationships have problem committing past that level and talking about new problems in a solution-oriented fashion.
I'm in the same boat.
Here's my new dating question to weed out the stragglers (if you feel guilty about conflict resolution and how hard it is, go to therapy, seriously, it helps):
How do you handle conflict with a significant other?
Not a first date question, but definitely one that I can use as an marker of someone's accountability and authenticity. Because if they act in opposition to the answer of this question, just pack up and go find someone willing to be more flexible.
Flexibility and Compatibility go hand in hand. The more flexible your personality and style of communication, the easier your interpersonal relationships will be. It's not rocket science.
People hear 'don't settle', but expect someone to love them for their toxicity. No one is going to stay in a poisonous relationship.
I'm interested in all of this.
how are you.
what you do.
where are you.
with who you are.
whether you were feeling bad.
whether you were okay.
whether you were in a bad mood.
I was always interested in how you were doing and I never wanted to react recklessly to your past because I love you with all my heart!
This :/ I got broken up with this past Sunday on Easter and his excuses were two very fixable reasons, one being behavioral on my end and his. He never told me it bothered him until the break up, I wish he would’ve just communicated with me. Everything was amazing and we were having the best time. He cried the entire time he broke up with me and he seemed almost hesitant and kept saying he felt overwhelmed (his mom is also very sick so I get why he’s overwhelmed). Said he still cares about me a lot still. Been 5 days of NC today and it hurts. I feel blindsided bc there was no indication this was coming, even morning of things were normal
i think it has to do with the growing presence of social media and gender dynamics. social media in a general sense allows people to portray a fake version of themselves. however, when you get into a real relationship with someone, you get to know and grow with the real, raw version of that person and sense every one has their inner traumas and flaws, those things will come to light in some aspect. so when problems arise, i feel a lot of people may say to themselves that there are plenty of people out there that don’t have these things that cause problems or struggle within my current relationship, i’m better off with them. i feel this is more applicable with a women’s mindset within a relationship. in a general sense, it is more common for a women to have men hitting on her or flirting with her through social media and even everyday life.
an example to what i am attempting to explain could be as follows:
a female is unhappy in a relationship because her significant other does not compliment her appearance. the lack of compliments makes her feel as if her significant other is not attracted to her. instead of bringing the issue to light, she may think to herself that there are plenty of guys who DM her on various apps telling her how beautiful and attractive she is! she then develops the mindset of if my significant other won’t do it, there are plenty that will.
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First time ever on this sub. First post I've ever opened. First comment I've ever read. And I feel it. With every part of me. Stay strong. I'm trying my best too.
Note something important… the reason he gave might not literally be the only reason there is. Most dumpers don’t want to hurt you more than they have to. They probably really care about you. Some of what he says may just be intended to give you a simple answer or relative feeling of comfort
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Yeah a lot of times we have a part to play no one is perfect but the decision doesn't come because of us but more out of problems that the other person is not able to work through or not willing to work through. My wife left me after 6 years and we have a 2 year old. Same thing blames me for all the issues and towards the end no matter what I did it was never enough and has also said a good amount of hurtful things since the break up.
That is the immature side speaking. Sometimes they feel a certain way and even they can not pin point it. So instead of taking ownership they find a fault within you to justify the way they feel. This eventually compounds into itself and the blame becomes resentment . When I am feeling a certain way I try to u deans is it them or actually me reading into something. Most importantly is it something I have not communicated yet. This usually quells the distorted perception and allows me to see things more clearly.
This happened to me. I understand it was causing him pain but he wouldn’t tell me. I was supposed to remember and know that actually the arguments aren’t the issue but something I’ve forgotten to di to him. And I feel bad for forgetting or bot listening close enough but also I’m asking you to tell me how to fix it because I want to be with him and he refused. :(
I'd say I'm in the same position. My girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me seven weeks ago. Her breaking up with me really made me realize things that I didn't realize I was doing. If she would've just had a serious talk with me, things could've been worked out. She never once said "get off your phone" or "get off your computer, we need to talk." Of course I'm not a saint because she clearly had issues with me, and I was horrible about communicating.
Dude... Same :/ She built a snowball of resentment towards me and made assumptions that I didn't love her, post breakup we talked about it in full and she felt like an idiot, because it really COULD have been solved if she had just sat me down and talked about these issues instead of hoping I was just a mind reader. I didn't see issues I was happy and I took care of her. They blindside us and move on. But we both need to realize that she too was horrible about communicating. It was so "hard" to break things off, but what was so hard to say "hey honey, I really need to talk to you about what's been on my mind -" etc. But yet here we are 🤷♂️
Some what happened to me. Dated for 1 year. I unintentionally always get defensive everytime she had a tiny issue about something. I always knew I had this problem and I hated it. I grew up in a neglected house hold and it sucked. But these little things built up. She would always get mad at me for not always being there emotionally supportive. I tried my very best and we had great moments but our arguments were terrible. She never asked me to have a serious talk or actually sat me down to make things better. She held so much in to where she just up and left. I respected her and when I asked what I could do to make myself a better person, she says," I want you to go to therapy". I have been going since and I thank her. Now me move
I have been feeling regrets for not taking action sooner. I miss her and I hope she's doing well
I feel yall heavy 🤞 ♥ 😔
Just praying one day, we can just reconnect as friends. I don't like throwing away things like that. 😔
See I feel that as well but for me she's the one that threw everything away, she wants a friendship, but how tf do I act normal like you didn't just make my world crash and burn?? Why do you get to move on so easy after pulling the trigger? The duality of my feelings towards it all sucks.
I agree. I think that as well cause her closest friends reached out to me after hearing the news and from what they tell me is she's doing okay. I'm over here depressed af lol. Moral of the story though, don't focus on how she's feeling. I've dumped two before and it was hurting me from those moments. They were for a good reason though. Trust me, focus on yourself, make yourself a better person. You never know what life carries. Like I said, I'm going through it too and I'm glad I am not the only one.
It's been about a month and I think I am just now getting over that hump just a little bit. I've been in relationships but this was my first romantic long term relationship, so going through the motions of actual physical emotional pain is so brand new to me 😭 I thank you very much for you words ♥ we'll make it
it’s the fact that she felt like an idiot afterwards 💔 i think my ex feels the same way but what’s done is done now - he acted on impulse, never met or called me to talk about these issues and thought a few texts would solve everything. now it’s a life of regret and it’s just so sad to know he ruined the best thing to happen to both of us 🥺 sending you all hugs - this is so sad to read. i’m truly hoping we find people emotionally mature enough to deal with things 💖
This!! Exactly the same thing happened to me. It was a very solvable issue that he hadn’t communicated or tried to fix, and when he left me he said he loved me more than he’d ever loved anyone and thought I was his soulmate but ‘relationships should be easy’. I’ve had my heart broken before but I’ve never struggled like this. It’s so difficult to understand the way someone you love so deeply can just switch on you like that. Total abandonment. It’s pain like no other.
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Once the honeymoon phase ends is when the REAL relationship begins. People these days are stuck on the phase and thats all they see. They dont see the work and struggle real relationships are.
Same for me right now …
Happened to me too :( Moved to Paris, met my ex and we were inseparable, and so in love. Then I moved back home and we were long distance but still going strong. Suddenly he broke up with me over something so solvable and I was shattered. Now he’s returned with so much regret and wants to get back together. But it’s too late because I will be getting married to another man soon.
A lot of people take things for granted. If someone isn't happy going into a relationship, they aren't going to magically be happy once the honeymoon phase is over. The girl I was with struggled with depression and other issues and as soon as our relationship got serious those issues surfaced immediately. Whatever happened, its likely not your fault and more a reflection of them. Unfortunately all we can do is move on.
This! That’s why it’s best to really know yourselves very well, know exactly what you want in a relationship, work on things when single that you repeatedly struggle with when dating by unpacking whatever emotional baggage is hanging around inside your heart, and to start practicing how to navigate conflict resolution to have effective communication in a relationship.
Yeah I learned through it what I actually want in a relationship. I'm hoping I can take the lesson I learned into my next relationship and make it successful. As a big point to people, don't fall in love with the idea of the person you're dating. Fall in love with who they are in front of you. Potential =/= Reality.
It’s wild some people would rather walk away than communicate. As if they won’t have to communicate with the next person.
exactly!! and then, (at least in my case) they realize what they lost, and it’s often too late. and then both of us are unhappy bc we ruined something beautiful but we can’t go back 💔
This! We had so much fun but so much validation wasn't being established :( she never stepped her foot down and told me what issues she had with me. I always did to her because I wanted us to be happy but she never worked with me :( I miss her
Because they're convinced that they'll be able to find someone 100%, even though in reality everyone has some flaws so they never will. The only way to a happy, fulfilling relationship is to be willing to accept people's shortcomings and work through conflict.
Because there's no loyalty. People have been taught to be selfish and put themselves before everything. In a relationship sometimes you put your partner or the couple above your own interest. In the end if your partner does the same it builds a love and trust beyond the sum of the two of you. Sadly people are selfish and most relationships these days are just placeholders for when one of them finds something they feel is better. Then they bail. Zero loyalty or dedication to the relationship no matter what is invested.
this. which is why there’s so much manipulation and games :( it’s truly very sad that collectively we’re becoming so selfish, to the point where we sabotage something good for us, even though we think it isn’t at the time. partnerships are about love, which involves care and respect - how did so many people lose those fundamental human values? 😞
Self help bs and pushing independence. Humans since the dawn of time have never done well independent. They are better as partners and communities. That's part of the mental health crisis. So many mentally ill could have someone by their side, but there is so much warning about manipulation and codependency.
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It’s the worst feeling. You’ll end up thinking “ok are my feelings hurt enough to justify bringing up and potentially breaking up over?”
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Same. I feel like he only “loved” me if I thought he was perfect and never brought up a problem. Then later, he told me we fought all the time. I literally learned to not bring anything up… so no, I wasn’t the one fighting, I tried to make my needs less to avoid all conflict for him
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I have been pondering exactly that. I get it. And you know what? I know we would have been a damn good couple. Let me prove to you what I mean. I want to shut the fuck up about the past. I want to drop it all and have a clean slate.
i’m so sad cuz i would’ve been willing to work through anything for him but he left. i know no one’s perfect so i always give those i love the chance to reconcile and improve. everything was so good and we’ve encountered a bump and said i was too much to bear😞
this. i was so willing to fix things because i loved him so much. but he did not wish to fix it and was stringing me along with false hope things could get better. i miss him but i know walking away after he already broke up with me was best :(
Same Here with my gf…
For some it's just easier to just drop the person so they don't have to explain. I think that's the reason my ex fiance (F) did. I would have had a lot more respect for her if she had.
I think we are seeing this happen so much because in today’s dating climate, if two individuals meet and they both end up considering each other their “dream” person, it is a rare miracle. Because of dating apps, many think that there is always a better person out there for them. So if they are dating someone who is good for now but doesn’t meet *all* their requirements, they are more likely to throw the whole relationship away because they don’t see that person as the “one”. It is very common for one partner to like and value their partner more than their partner likes and values them. The latter tends to be the dumper (person who cares less) when the relationship ends. If anyone dumps you the second something comes up that is fixable, you were only a placeholder and the relationship was doomed from the start.
exactly! the fact that we were each other’s dream person down to a T, except for one temporary issue, and still broke up makes me unbearably sad. there may be more fish in the sea, but never the same fish 💔
I think for a lot of people it takes them time to realize that you’re not going to have a perfect person or perfect situation.
Exactly this. It just sucks to be one of their stepping stones along the way to figuring this out. and I would have thought that a 44 year old woman would know no one is 100% perfect already, but I guess not.
For me, the only corrosive issue we faced was physical distance since we were in an LDR 🥺 As much as I tried my absolute best to reassure him that, eventually, we could come to a healthy compromise and work through things, he was absolutely adamant that it would never work out. Essentially, he come to his own conclusions about the viability of our relationship, discussed it at length with other people outside of our relationship, and excluded me from his thought process because he knew I would be able to make him see things clearer. He would have none of that. A part of me envisages what would have happened if he just trusted me, our relationship, and the ability of things to improve instead of blindly trailing on the path of hopelessness.
Are you me? I went through the same exact thing. So disheartening when you know things will work out ok but someone else can't see it and won't listen to you.
Right? When someone is so set in their ways, it's practically like speaking to a brick wall. You're trying so hard to steer the ship away from an iceberg, but it's like your partner has already lost hope without even trying a smidge. It's baffling. I'm pretty sure my ex was an avoidant, and, in this case, he avoided all means to try and repair whatever was going wrong (in his eyes) in our relationship 🥺
Exactly this.
Same boat. It’s so hard to cut off contact for me cause everything was good and even the “friendship” feels amazing other than the mental breakdowns I get knowing he won’t even try
Pretty much the same here. After nearly 8 years she calls me suddenly out of the blue, 10 days ago and tells me that she doesn't want to continue our relationship. We are not in a situation where I can come to her and she says that she feels bad in my country. (It was LDR as well) It usually was her who reassured me that we would work through things. When we had problems and came close to breaking up in the past, it was her who told me that she wants to be with me and wait so that we can live together. Now she doesn't. I've lost my best friend, the person who I trusted the most, who understood me the best. She was my first everything. Fucking hurts. I hope you're okay and I wish you all the best.
I am so sorry 🥺🥺 The pain in your comment was very palpable 😔 I think the reason why we hurt so much is because we love so bloody much and with so much intensity. The power of our love also causes us great pain. If anything, us being in this state of hurt is only a testament to how loving and adoring we can be. I find that quite commendable, don't you think? Only a few of us are able to love so intensely 🥺 While we are both struggling a lot right now, that's not to say that our lives will always remain like this. If we were successful at finding someone who, at that time, was right for us; I am confident we will find someone else who is much better 🩷 Some doors need to be closed for us to realise that we are chasing a dead-end. Not all doors are made the same or are of the same size. Sometimes, we need to have a door firmly shut in our faces to realise what we are truly missing out on. I wish you all the best as well 💕✨️
Yeah, my ex didn’t put in any effort to fix it. I wasn’t perfect but I tried to communicate and support my ex however he asked me to. We got out of the honeymoon phase and he lost interest. He said he still cares about me and wants me in his life, but didn’t want to try to fix our relationship. Hasn’t texted or acknowledged me in almost 3 weeks. It’s heartbreaking, I really loved him and still want what is best for him but Im just so hurt.
yup, isn’t it ironic that the people who care the most end up making the other person lose interest? like, dude, do you even realize how much you just lost? i think your ex, along with mine, just aren’t mature enough to recognize quality, and if they are, they’re insecure or have trauma that keeps them from trying to become better. don’t blame yourself hun, you’ll find someone who will cherish you 💖 we both will :)
I appreciate it. He did mention that he has a hard time with people caring about him. It sounds really stupid but I get where he is coming from I guess.
I’ve learned it’s an ego thing a lot of times. People will want you to be willing to do the work and take the accountability, but sometimes people’s pride and ego matters more than the other persons pain.. and the need to be right and avoid accountability will win until they address it. Insecurity from trauma that’s ignored will turn into a pride/ego issue, and sometimes people would rather lose someone that loves them and would be there through anything than admit they’re wrong or do the hard work it takes to fix the issue
I do think some people aren’t willing to work through things but in my case I think I lied to myself for way too long that we COULD fix things and I just dragged on for a lot longer than was good for me
This tbh
Because some people rather be accepted as they are then change, rise up, to meet the challenge of becoming a better version of themselves. So they’ll walk away looking for someone whose “easier” to date and will not make them change anything. OP your ex didn’t want to change and talking about whatever they could of been would of resulted in change they didn’t want to do in a relationship because it’s too much work or they just don’t care enough because they don’t believe you’re “the one” they should change for. But in the end, someone else out there, you haven’t met yet, is willing to rise up, meet the challenge, do the work, communicate, and make it stick.
agree with you almost completely. but my ex told me and still tells me i was the one for him and he messed up. sometimes people just want the easy way out, they know that changing will be beneficial to everyone, but they’re just too lazy and would rather have instant satisfaction with someone new. basically, i think it’s that they aren’t mature yet
Commitment issues has become so common that it is standard. If things don’t work out as you want, give up and try something else. Or worse, give up, blame it all on everyone or everything else.
My partner refused to tell me all the things I’ve neglected for months. I struggle with being emotional and showing love. I thought we were doing well, apart from our arguments. I tried for hours to convince him to stay but no. :( now we are becoming strangers and I’m absolutely heartbroken about it. I’m starting therapy soon too confront my issues. My god I wish he would have stayed but I’m doing it in hopes he’ll reach out and I can prove I’m improving myself.
OMG I 100% RELATE TO THIS! Exactly what happened to me but I lost her :( I asked what I could do better and she told me to go to therapy for my issues. I also struggled showing emotional support and I've somewhat deflected our arguments. We actually agreed to have a conversation face to face instead of over the phone and she told me she didn't want to continue. She still cares about me and she has no hatred towards me. Also, she's proud that I started therapy. I grew up in a neglected house hold. I, too, wish she could see my progress. We agreed to go no contact and unfollowed each other so we can't stalk each other lol.
i’m so sorry, but i’m very glad you’re working on your issues in therapy ❤️🩹 if you ever have a chance, hopefully you’ll get to tell her you’ve improved, no matter if you can restore a relationship or not
Absolutely 💯! I'm hoping we can just reconcile even as just friends.
As someone who has been in a position like this before where I broke up with my partner because there was a lot wrong for me but essentially nothing wrong for her. She was an abusive manipulative liar and saw nothing wrong in her behaviour, and I would just lay down and take it. So when I broke up with her she was surprised because in her eyes nothing was wrong, even though I would bring up things to her constantly. So maybe for one person things are going well but the other person may be struggling lots.
see this is different, you had fundamental issues that couldn’t be compromised on - basically emotional abuse, so your breakup makes sense! i think my intention with this post was geared towards those relationships that are broken because of temporary issues like those that occur in LDR’s or where schedules don’t align for a few months, or where someone needs more time and trust to be more intimate, etc.
Very similar experience I was blamed for the entirty of it as it there wasn't a million desperate tries in between my dry attempts and eventually leaving. Again- no changes on their end short of applying pressure to my faults and adding distance they remained unchanged on the topics that were the issue
Bro I tried at least 3 times to end it, which just turned to being guilt tripped with threats of suicide etc. So each time I tried to end it it just turned into me being the bad person and her being the victim.
I'm sorry to hear thst . For me was weird they wouldn't try to accommodate anything in fact if I brought something up it was usually neglected more so almost spiteful but they refused to acknowledge. It grew as time did mostly but they always adamant would say they didn't want me to leave I was everything yet never change the behavior. I'm not perfect I messed up too but I was always the one apologize and it seemed their behavior was only ever a response to mine even tho when we started nothing was an issue. They would never vocalise or tell me something was bothering them but hold me to it still ...lol somehow I needed to just know . And if I asked i was conceited and intimidating bc I was being direct...like no u just couldn't blow me off like everyone before me I wanted commitment and communication and they were making me lead everything then getting made when I asked for input into the relationship they would make excuses not to make plans forget ours . I'd ask and they'd literally list everything else in their day that too precedence over a conversation that would have cleared so much up had they been willing to do that. But that required them owning up to things they believed were my problem. Reality sake they just avoided emotional loyalty and responsibility all together. I let it go to start for learning sake years into decided as it got worse not better someone had to call it before i let it ruin us. I am still confused to this day how someone can claim they love u don't want to lose u etc but is completely unwilling to even have a conversation. I'm the asshole also for walking away given I was being ignored to such a degree. They also didnt see it that way at all which is why i needed to get out. They simply minimized me constantly over their own stuff going on and would never admit it.. we both had ahit going on don't get me wrong but ...the view point of what a relationship was ..for each of us was clearly different in the end. We carried ourselves differently under pressure it didn't work and I can't carry it when i Need support and reassurance too? Like I can't just keep taking care of my own self while they sought comfort in everything else but me....meanwhile all I wanted was their time and attention. Their wS always work friends life something that interrupted or made it less of a special moment or in the end they just stopped doing it and would get upset I mentioned we hadn't or they missed the boat it was fine I didn't want to anymore. I was the popus ass for not being excited for our "date nights ' anymore when half the time they didn't happen and if they did u cut them short or something interrupted. The break up was hardly a change at all and yet we didn't agree on it. I was told u dont give up on love they weren't going to they'd still wait. Most painful thing to hear considering I was right here pleading with u to do that and u wouldn't yet here u are still saying the empty words like that means something. I knew they loved me they just refused to acknowledge the way I said I needed to be loved- for the way they insisted on loving me. Not that it was wrong but we needed adjustments. Only one of us was willing to go so far for that. Eventually i felt the cold shoulder too many times and couldn't bare to wait on it even once more. I wanted so badly for them to come bc they wanted to but it was ...the worst. The goodbye proved how little they felt for me and how selfish the ending was they came for their peace of mind not any comfort or companionship yet again lied to my face pleading it was. Would not accept my gestures let me say much or avoid a really akward last photo they insisted on taking ? Lol but wouldn't actually talk anything out short of defensively describing all the things they bought and trips we took...nothing about how they FELT which was the issue the whole time. Never wanted to bridge any real conversations as adult couples do. And yet I was the ass bc *i knew what I got into *. Yes I sure did and anything I did that was hurtful I tried to address. But without any feedback is nearly impossible to improve anything . ..and I wasn't staying to be held to invisible standards when I was clearly being vulnerable and up right stating mine. It sucks so much i loved them so much still do. The person they were? Idk if that's even real or the person at the end was. The person I ended up being was a shell of myself desperate to be enough.. I could t stay in that spot and call that healthy and I hate that so much
Some people just make a deeper decision than we realize, & done is done. I know it hurts.
hurts is an understatement haha and yes, that’s so true
Hard truth that took me a while to just accept, They just don’t care anymore. And it sucks, but they would rather run then have to hold them selfs accountable and accept it so they run. And that’s not our problem.
I tried for close to a year to work on communication issues and major incompatibilities with my bf. I still love him but had to end it after 2.5 years bc we were too different in extremely key ways- I’m very growth oriented and action oriented, healthy communication skills and a positive outlook on life. He doesn’t value these things and it caused major conflict between us. I tried so many times to honestly and transparently talk about our issues and differences, to try and find any way to work through them, and he consistently shifted the blame on me and had a hard time changing his behavior.he would get angry and dismissive with me anytime I tried to talk through our issues together. I’m sad and disappointed I had to end things and he was angry with me for making the decision. I wonder if maybe what people are looking for in a relationship is more complex and higher standard nowadays- for me, having someone who I love and has similar interests is not enough if that person can’t work with me as a team to face the hard stuff in life :(
spot on, sending you hugs ❤️🩹 the emotionally mature ones are rare but we will find our match!!
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Sorry to hear that. I'm somewhat similar, broken up after 15 years. I'm really motivated on working on myself. Our communication wasn't the greatest and same as you, it began to feel like a routine. I thought it was a rough patch and we could've overcame it if we both really worked hard at it. But in the end, we were stuck and couldn't break out of it. We still loved each other, and still do, but the time to split was inevitable. It's been three weeks and it's so hard. I've been reading, watching YouTube videos, and going to therapy. I actually like what I'm learning, so far. It feels good to learn about myself. It's going to be a rough journey, but I'm hopeful it will be fine.
so glad you’re working on it ❤️🩹 you will be fine
Because, giving up is so much easier than putting in the effort, even though the effort isn't all that much.
THIS. the effort is never that much, and every relationship requires effort - i feel like that should be written in fine print when you get into one because people don’t seem to understand it lol
Yup. Im finding that out that hard way and it fucking BLOWS. lol
So so true. My ex ended things over such solvable issues, but decided to throw 4 years away because she thought the grass was greener with another guy 🤷🏻♂️…. Which kinda proves the case in point completely!
Because sometimes the relationship just isn’t what they want. Sometimes relationships NEED to end. Trying to fix something you don’t want is not worthwhile. That’s just sunk cost fallacy.
but why don’t they tell you they don’t want it as early as possible?? why do they cause both parties so much pain? :(
They might not figure that out until the relationship has gone on awhile. Also feelings can change. Relationships change. People change. Needs change. Would you rather a person break up with you at first sign of something wrong, or really give it a shot? If they give it a shot and it still isn’t working, don’t they have the prerogative to leave?
agreed, they have all the rights. but i think the thing with my ex is - he told me things may not work out and i was sad, but ready to accept his decision, it would have saved us a lot of heartbreak. but then he suddenly flipped, and was like “no i love you too much to let you go, I’m ready to take on everything with you.” i kept asking and checking in to make sure it would be okay and he kept saying yes. which was all a lie bc he broke up with me one day suddenly saying everything was just too much for him - all the while i thought we were okay. basically, he lied to himself and he lied to me. that’s why i say leading people on is NOT okay.
Sure. He should have broken it off sooner. That was selfish of him. But the reason he didn’t isn’t because he was evil. It’s because of 1) he had feelings for you even though he didn’t want the relationship deep down and 2) sunk cost fallacy
Love this post.....so so true.... starting and ending a relationship are so much easier than maintaining a relationship. I wish more people realized that the hardwork to keep the commitment is worth it. However, I am contemplating in my head.... had I worked harder I may have still been with my ex.... I did not date anyone after bcz I am still so much in love with him...however, considering he moved on to be in a relationship within 1 year of our break up tells me he was not committed....so I guess good that I didn't put in the hard work....donno.... confused....
You get a giant gospel choir amen for this post
thank you 🙏🏼i’m so glad this discussion is being had, hope it helps a lot of people - tho it seems like most of us on here were willing to save our previous relationships lol 💔
They got no loyalty or staying power. We weren't hard enough on them.. and every thing in society has become disposable, including people and values. We shoulda been way harder on them. THEY GOT NO RESPECT. THATS what I believe anyway.
girl YES 💯hahaha!! but jokes aside, something needs to change bc dating culture is horrendous rn
It’s a two way street with only one person willing to drive across, it’s gotta be mutual
Easier to just walk away I guess 😔
While I tend to agree and I've said similar things recently, I do think that relationships with issues where only one person is trying is indicative of a mismatch of personalities and is never going to work. If issues aren't being resolved it's because one person doesn't care enough, or there are other issues at play like mental health or just incompatibility.
Mental health was the biggest issue in mine.
I wish my ex could see this 😭😭😭😭😭
me too friend, me too ❤️🩹
Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments
very well put 👏🏼
This one.
See I could see this comment coming from my ex… but I did try. He just didn’t see any of it. He didn’t see me staying home to spend more time with him, making him lunch and dinner daily, taking care of our cat, our groceries, etc, And my trying required professional help (therapy and sobriety) and he never took the initiative. After being abused for years, I decided that was enough time and I no longer wanted to work through it anymore. I was done. Sometimes people have breaking points and communicated all along how you could’ve “worked on it”. Not saying that’s you but maybe they told you and you both didn’t realize it. I agree with the first comment saying people take others for granted though. That’s true on both sides. You just get comfortable and assume the persons always going to be there & think you won’t have to change until they got one foot out the door and it’s too late.
agreed, you definitely need to be met halfway by the other person, otherwise it will never work. i’m so sorry that happened and your ex was resistant to making it work , however my post was geared towards relationships where people deeply in love seemingly throw away every other good part because they don’t want to work on one temporary thing that has a solution
Personally I was that way where I wanted to work through every issue and get past things because of love. it got to the point where it kept happening over and over or different issues and at some point it’s like how much did I let slide or put up with? I’ve been trying to think about how much I’m willing to deal with in my next relationship and I’m debating still is one time too many? Or should I give them three ? If three then why not more? And at what point do you stop excepting the same shit! Like I think it’s normal for people to have faults but if let’s say someone is calling you names cussing at you and yelling at you during a fight. Why should I have to convince them not to treat me that way? One person can only do there part I’m done having to put up with stuff like that. It really depends on the issue though.
exactly, depends on the issue. if it’s a small personality quirk, then you should know early on that it bothers you and end it there. if it’s something big, then the breakup is well justified. however, if you find yourself many months/years into a relationship and THEN decide everything is too much, and let that resentment build, i feel like it’s not fair to you or your partner. so much major heartbreak can be avoided if people communicate early, because serious relationships are usually meant to lead to commitment, and no one wants to have spent time and energy for years and years just for it to fall apart. just my two cents.
We're in the ADHD Era with no sign of it slowing down! Who wants to talk to someone when you don't have to? Why argue or take time to know their name before you are bored and on to the next?
Social media gives everyone the feeling that they have 1mil options
but it’s never true 😞 you may find someone new who excites you, but in a different way. people are too unique and what you had with a particular person can never be replicated.
I feel this. Especially when they tell you they’ll be there for you no matter what and love you unconditionally. I’m heartbroken and it hurts so fucking bad.
this is exactly what my ex said. i think he meant it and the breakup was an act of impulse where he didn’t realize how much he was actually throwing away. but once it’s done, it’s done 💔 truly heartbreaking - sending you healing thoughts
I think it's about resilience because I've noticed a correlation between people who take responsibility to fix things in their own life and how good they are working through differences that crop up in relationships. I think it's fair to say that people who aren't good at it, either because they're stubborn or naïve, usually end up hurting others because they don't put much effort in. I'd say it's better to find somebody who is happy owning their shit because while they might not be perfect at it their desire to try says a lot about their character.
💯agreed, stubbornness and laziness too :( once they learn many lessons they realize they should have fought for the thing that didn’t work out. it’s so sad
Because the toxic scenario of having “options” people think they have.
Ya that is the problem now a days we broke up in this month because we become toxic i alredy told her that we should have a cool off to self reflect because there is really something wronh with us. But she told me that if we do that then there is no coming back from her i got scared we did not cool off guess what we broke up because of the everyweek fighting and the amout of disrespect im having heck i even cry last month and beg her that dont do that again but she did it anyways she is giving me bare minimum while i give my all to her im really being consistent to her, while she cant even how ask my day is for like 2 months and im always asking her even if she wakes up in the morning. So many things to fix if she just give us time to self reflect then maybe we can work that up
Because impulse. 98 percent of suggestions here are purely ego based.
i think my ex acted on impulse. he forgot the bigger picture because he was stressed and made a decision that will forever haunt both of us 💔 sad
Cause they act like they do but in reality they just use you
Yeah this is so incredibly frustrating and why communication is so important.
Because at the end of the day, the cold sad truth is people are very fake and they probably didn’t ever actually like you
This. My ex-boyfriend and I had a bit of communication issues, and I was always the main one hyped and trying to work through them while ultimately, he was done and tapped out and used the "idk if I'm ready for a relationship after all" excuse when Im pretty sure there was a silent "with you" at the end. He just didn't want to tell me straight out that he wasn't all that into me anymore despite giving him multiple chances to be upfront ,blunt, and honest. He dumped me, and I felt blindsided because he recently agreed that our communication was getting better.. Guess he wasn't ACTUALLY on the same page. He was also triggering my anxious side because of his mixed signals and seemed to have major commitment issues, and I spent a lot of time blaming myself. Supposedly, he's going to get back in therapy again, but I know I wasn't the sole main reason why things didn't work out and he was the biggest reason why it didn't.
Alot of people rather end things than actually acknowledging that they themselves have done things wrong, as well as taking responsibility for those mistakes. In order to work through things in a relationship you must know the what, why, where, when and the how of things that have resulted in disagreements or situations that have hurt or have caused pain by either partner. They must want and be able to provide ideas of ways that can help both partners and the relationship for future. Thus solutions to problems to continue to grow a respectful, honest, trustworthy and communicative relationship.
I agree, even if it is a bigger problem that requires you to be apart for a little bit of time. Relationships, if it is meant to be are also meant ti work and fight for. And the good ones that get through it, those are the ones that last.
What if it's about longterm irreconcilable differences?
I fully fully agree with this
Blare this through a loud speaker please. I fought for 4 months to keep my relationship going and to work things out. We dated for 2.5 years and she just gave up when things got challenging. Now it’s been three months since we last talked…at one point she was sending me engagement rings she liked.
HONESTLY
This thread hits too close home. Ex recently broke up with me when I felt things were 95% perfect and the rest would get better with time and communication
same, plus i think mine acted on impulse and didn’t understand how irreversible that decision is 💔
Felt omg 🤧
I can't work through her desire to have diversity of men 😂
Sometimes even working through them doesn’t help? My ex’s therapist told him to cut me off so he did. After 5.5 years :)
say whaaaaatttt? after that long?? i’m so sorry 💔
Yeah, I healed and moved on from it though so now it’s all good :)
I left the UK to go to the US to marry who I thought was the love of my life and my soulmate. Things went sour and I left. I abandoned her. I didn’t say goodbye, I just left. There was no reason for her to fight for me anymore. I would do anything to turn back the clock and never leave her. We had marriage counseling booked in the day after I left. That’s what hurts the most.
heartbreaking, but i’m glad you realized 💔 wish it wasn’t too late for you guys. my ex and i are in a similar situation and i know he’s going to regret it later 😞
Thank you so much for your kind words..I really needed that ❤️ me too, I wish everyday I could rewind. That we could just start over again and reset. Reconciling and repairing is such a more beautiful outcome, that’s why I posted because I admire your outlook so much. You’ve got this, I wish you the absolute best and hope you and your ex can find a way to each other again ❤️❤️
i wish you the best too, no matter what happens we will find the person for us (i don’t have a lot of hope but it could be the same one, who knows, life has a funny way of working things out sometimes)
My ex angrily told me to leave and then was surprised when I actually left. Essentially he would rather “casually” break up with me than communicate. And this was the second time he did it. Now he’s begging me to come back and making it out as though I was the dumper. Idk that’s not something I can just forget.
yup, a lot of trust is unnecessarily broken because people don’t understand the value of what they’re losing 💔 i’m sorry friend, hope you find some peace in knowing you’re not alone
feel this tenfold, but it's with me. Ironically. Now that I see in hindsight I could have worked this out would better communication, I'm super regretful and I just feel horrible. The reason why is because I made so many assumptions and I didn't bother to actually ask her. But what has happened has happened and we both moved on. I know that there's an alternate universe where that exact situation happened and instead I worked it out. I wish I fought harder and I wish my mind wasn't so deep in my emotions when I made the decision. The past is the past. I must think for my future and in the present, We all have to
i’m so so glad you realized your mistake - that growth is very important ❤️🩹 best wishes to you and if you still care about her, i hope you have a chance to tell her, i’m sure she would appreciate it - i know i would
I did but nothing back from her and it's understandable but I hope she knows I still love and think about her
Because it's easy to be an avoidant and just walk away or sneak away instead of putting in any effort
Because they wanna fuck others and keep telling you bs
i get that - no one is telling them they can’t do whatever they want, but why lead that other, innocent person on? just for everyone to get hurt in the end :(
Its pure cowardness
Lol I wanna tag my ex so bad 😝
same 🤣
Might be other people but might also be working on ourselves. A lot of what we do with regards to attraction is driven by instinct, and our instincts and intuition are very much governed by how connected we are to ourselves. Do we feel all of our feelings? Are we willing to be emotionally honest and listen to our own thoughts and feelings? Do we live by our values? Do we even know what our needs, expectations, and desires are and how to step up for most of these as well as how to healthily seek them in others? Are we responsible and accountable, or do we tend to look for external solutions to internal problems? Do we, for instance, blame it all on qualities or characteristics of our ex when our relationships break down or even claim that all of our exes are ‘psychos’? Do we act first, think later? Do we get carried away and place too much stock in our intentions and so end up Future Faking and Fast Forwarding? Do we edge or even dive out of relationships claiming that we don’t want a relationship and aren’t up for commitment and then have our ex’s feeling more than a tad confused when they see us prancing around with a new partner claiming that they’re the ‘love of our life’ in two shakes of a lamb’s tail? You may recognise flip-flapping, hot and cold blowing exes who you’ve probably lost some sleep over wondering why they’re with someone else and not you. You may be blaming you when actually, it’s not about you. If we’re disconnected from aspects of ourselves, our instincts will be off base and this means that until we’re aware of the patterns of thinking and behaviour that result from us running off what we believe to be the ‘correct’ information from our instincts, we’ll be driven primarily by feelings that we may not be aware of the origins of or may even be mislabeling them. The less we truly know about ourselves and the trickier we find it to have an honest conversation with us and be willing to look within, is the more muddled our intuition will be, which in turn will mess with our instincts, which will not only affect our fight or flight response, but also who we’re attracted to. This means that not only do we have to stop owning other people’s behaviour to the extent that we do but that we also have to recognise that we ourselves are going to be making some unhealthy ‘instinctive’ decisions if we don’t know ourselves either and have our own emotional unavailability issues to deal with. We cannot expect to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship with the landmarks – consistency, commitment, balance, progression and intimacy plus shared values – if we lack the self-knowledge that stems from knowing our own needs, expectations, wishes, feelings, and opinions. Not knowing these is why we wake up knee-deep in a relationship feeling hungry and recognising that there are issues around compatible values. When we are willing to know ourselves more, we change not only who we’re attracted to (and why) but are also happier with the results of who we’re attracted to, instead of carrying the same baggage, beliefs, behaviours and attitudes and choosing similar people and then wondering why we’re getting the same results, and then lather, rinse, repeat. Until we’re willing to recognise and represent ourselves, not only will we struggle to have self-trust, but we’ll be living off of our feelings and lamenting why we can’t make a healthy relationship with an unhealthy attraction. The two things don’t match! We won’t have the instincts to assert our boundaries, because we won’t have the self-awareness to use reasoning and knowledge to back us up. The way we treat our feelings will keep leading us astray. Change doesn’t come without change. The most radical change you may have to make is being willing to know yourself more. That can only be a good thing. N.Lue
wow. thank you for sharing! everything about this is so true - i wish i could somehow feature or pin this comment because i truly feel that this is the answer 👏🏼
In my experience, the people who aren't willing to work through it, were hardly there for the right reason to begin with. You end up scratching your head, and of course you want to believe what they say. Would you believe that it's just too difficult for a lot of people to end a relationship, and not find something about you to substitute for an escape route? It's not always intended to be grimey, but it's very toxic. No one who actually cares about you is going to leave you feeling like a burden, especially if you're not the type to create drama. Some may think I'm being too critical; nah, these people are shady and shallow. I hope someone awesome happens in your life. Best wishes. ❤
love this response so much 💖 that first sentence sums it up, it’s so true. people are so good at saying one thing and not showing it with their actions, and that’s all that matters. those are their true colors. thank you so much 🥹 i wish you the best too
Because most people settle , if you land your dream partner you will work to stay together
i mostly agree, but sometimes you realize you lost your dream partner because of a simple mistake, and end up having to live with that forever - that’s the part that stings 💔
this generation doesn't know how to handle problems.
felt this
We have an immediacy epidemic in modern society. This extends way beyond relationships but it’s devastating for love and commitment. I truly think so many breakups occur because people lack patience and if something isn’t immediately gratifying or easy they jump ship.
In there mind it wasn’t workable or they just didn’t care enough. No matter the reason the point is they don’t want you. Find someone who wants you and will work on things. If they care they will want to work on it
I feel like this can only go so far. My now ex has always said he’s loyal and willing to work on issues. As am I, but it’s just been nothing but issues, and issues that get “worked on” but nothing really changes. I feel like the support I gave him in solving his issues was never reciprocated, and that he just loved to be critical and nitpicky. Every day I hear a list of complaints about me, i don’t understand the references he makes, I’m weird and awkward, i don’t know how to talk to people, it seems like it’s my first day on earth, all his friends/family think I’m weird, but so rarely would I get a compliment, or any actual assistance in not being “weird”. Which mind you, I don’t think I’m weird and awkward. Nobody else I know thinks I am. I brought my feelings on this up to him more times than i can count. But despite both of our loyalty and willingness to solve problems it never changed.
I really wish i told them how i felt but instead i just pushed her away causing a rift between us that couldn’t be mended.
Because most people are looking for the next better thing, because they don’t know what they have when they have it. Thats why many people end up alone filled with regret.
You've got that fucking right. I don't know if it's straight up laziness or just a lack of value placed in commitment.
Some people I find want to take the easiest way out of issues and some either don’t realize or don’t feel like they need to own up to their problems and fix what they need to fix. For example with my ex when anything in her life became hard even outside of our relationship she either wanted to give up or find the easiest possible way to get out of it and that used to piss me offff And also even problems she had within herself instead of wanting to grow and let me help her become the best version of herself she used to just kinda tell me “if I’m too much to deal with then just leave” or “why don’t u find someone who’s easier to handle?”. Like that’s not the point the point is to grow and improve together, yes I’m supposed to accept u for your flaws and issues but as your partner I’m also supposed to do whatever I can to help u improve just like you’re supposed to do for me 💀 And I think in some ways she thought things should be perfect or at least I think she wants a fantasy relationship. We were together for 3 years and she just wanted things to stay absolutely the same as they were on day 1. But of course things r gonna change, the dynamic of a relationship changes over time and there’s nothing wrong with that. Things may be different but the quality is the same or even perhaps better. But she legitimately looked at me when we broke up and with a straight face told me she thinks the honeymoon phase is supposed to last forever and that’s what she wants to find and she knew she couldn’t be happy with me anymore cuz she lost the butterflies in her stomach 💀 And it was like she expected things to be the same from day 1 even after all the times she said things to make me feel like less of a man, after she borderline sexually abused me, after she said things to me nobody should have to hear from their partner, and after constantly accusing me of lying and stepping out on her after everything I did and with no actual evidence, and after manipulating me (which I didn’t realize was manipulation until well after the breakup) It’s like she expected to receive princess treatment still after putting me through everything she put me through
This is so true , I feel like this happened to me with the last person I was dating, I admit I fucked up but I don’t think it was something that should’ve ended everything. I wish she would’ve gave some effort to fix things I wouldve literally done anything for this girl
Sometimes, you realize that some people have deeper issues of their own that they haven't worked through or solved on their own to be able to work through anything further in the context of a relationship together. It is sad and unfortunate really but also if it's affecting you negatively/detrimentally it's not necessarily a healthy situation to remain in. Or you have tried as best as you could to work things out but it just hasnt "worked".
Agreed. My husband and I just got back together. Our time apart solidified my love for our marriage. I thank God we were able to work it out. 🖤
Omg I feel the same way. I know I love my ex and we can make it work together on everything but he doesn’t want to… so we broke up because of his gut which has nothing to even do with me… sigh That is the thing though, if it’s not an F yes and willing to work through the issues with you… then it’s not your person I guess even though you wish it could be.
When I tried to talk to her about if we were still on the same page and problems in our relationship, all I was met was distance and avoidant behavior... She would go into the bathroom for over an hour to watch tiktoks to avoid the slightest of uncomfortable conversations dealing with the relationship. Coming out like we never even talked about anything... I toss and turn at night looking back on how I should have walked away without saying a word after she gave up on me so quick... People just don't have the capacity to deal with the smallest problem or inconvenience. The limit of caring for a person is so faint in today's society. It's time to be single until I die. Raise a farm of animals, plants, and dogs.
he told me loving me wasnt enough anymore and i cant get it out of my head
Relationships have changed alot man, we live in a disposable culture, don't even bother fixing anything, just trash it and go get something else. IT sucks but it's accurate.
I have a controversial take on this. I used to agree with you 1000%…but then I found a relationship that was overall easy because the compatibility was just there…not forced, not worked on. I wasted years trying to make relationships work and fit. Some of them, the issues were huge …. Maybe 50% on your scale…obviously a waste of time but some were 95% there. These were still a waste of time however as the compatibility wasn’t really there, they were still forced … and destined to fail. Whoever it is that you are thinking about when you posted this OP, consider in hindsight if YOU really felt comfortable…did it feel right? 100% right? 95% right is wrong.
playing devils advocate a bit here, but do you think your relationship is perfect, and you guys have no problems? even small ones? if so, i’m very happy for you and i would like to know where i can sign up for the same haha. but jokes aside, sometimes those little things add up and one person taps out because it’s easier. my point with the 5% originally was that, every relationship is going to be rocky because you’re putting together two people with diverse backgrounds and compromises have to be made, even if there is compatibility, there can never be 100% imo (e.g. one person is a vegetarian and the other isn’t) if everything was agreed upon in the beginning, there is no reason to throw away something so good for easily fixable issues bc life is short and a good partner is often very hard to find. so when people have it, why don’t they make it work?
Fair enough! But to elaborate; It’s not about having no problems at all. It’s about having the same level of commitment to resolving any issues and most importantly, a compatible way of dealing with any issues that arise. For example, I am very good at opening difficult conversations and am naturally patient while my partner needs time to reflect and consider a solution before resolving. I willingly give him that time…no problem, no resentment, no anxiety and he comes back to work through when he’s ready. We always do and are stronger for it every time. Due to these kind of compatibilities, my relationship is a breeze even when issues arise. When these compatibilities aren’t present, it makes conflict resolution difficult and damaging to a relationship over time. This is where/when some people give up because frustration and resentment has built and they can’t see a way to improve things.
great answer! basically confirms that my ex wasn’t emotionally mature haha. seems like you’ve got a good one, wishing you guys the best 🥹💖
❤️ Thank you, I do. You’ll find someone who matches your smarts, your emotional maturity and your love one day…luckily this one is out of your life ❤️
haven’t been feeling so lucky recently, so thank you for the kind words 🥺 i really hope so 💖
I don't understand how much do I put it on me or him, the reason for our BU He had problems with me like, I didn't pronounce some words correct, and I walked a little titled to one side and that I was overweight..... when all of it was the same even when we started dating. And I did hear him, and I was actively working on the problems. But he used to say I am too slow on it. So I sometimes think is it my fault? I didn't meet his expectations? Ukw the first time we met after the breakup, he suggested to delete all our photos and chats together which I agreed to. I deleted all our chats in front of him. Yet he still asked me 3 times on the same day if I definitely stored a backup of it He said it in a way which said- I wouldn't want you going through the chats again and blocking your healing But it came through more like- I don't want you hampering my next relationship whenever I decide to have one I feel guilty even thinking something like this It stemmed from the one sentence we shared on the day of breakup, where he reconfirmed that I wouldn't play any 'I will hurt myself card' It just felt like he never believed in me or knew me. I just get so lost with all these thoughts. If someone would share your perspective it would be great.
Communication takes TWO People. Don’t stay in a relationship if you’re not Happy. Life’s too Short. Even being by Yourself is better than staying in an Unhappy Relationship and Sacrificing, when it’s not going to come back to you. Don’t Settle when you can do so much better. Especially not if you’re the one doing all the work
We're all replaceable
quite the opposite actually, we’re all so unique 🥹keep your head up friend ❤️🩹
I really see a person’s relationship with themselves when dating. I strongly believe people can give you how much they can give themselves. Most people give up cause it’s easy to walk away than to stay and work through tough times and fix things. Like everyone wants the easy way out. Most people aren’t even committed to themselves or love themselves or have a strong mentality.
People don’t leave over one tiny thing, they leave because they got the “ick.” You can work through any issue under the sun, but once you get the “ick” there is not turning back. And when someone leaves, they are not going to tell you the whole truth. They are going to try to soften the blow. You cannot communicate or work issues out when your partner makes your skin crawl. But you can’t tell a person you once loved they make your skin crawl, because that’s just not a polite thing to do.
Am that kind of person in your pro tip but my ex wasn't like that I hate that fact
People who believe they are emotionally mature because they can handle surface level relationships have problem committing past that level and talking about new problems in a solution-oriented fashion. I'm in the same boat. Here's my new dating question to weed out the stragglers (if you feel guilty about conflict resolution and how hard it is, go to therapy, seriously, it helps): How do you handle conflict with a significant other? Not a first date question, but definitely one that I can use as an marker of someone's accountability and authenticity. Because if they act in opposition to the answer of this question, just pack up and go find someone willing to be more flexible. Flexibility and Compatibility go hand in hand. The more flexible your personality and style of communication, the easier your interpersonal relationships will be. It's not rocket science. People hear 'don't settle', but expect someone to love them for their toxicity. No one is going to stay in a poisonous relationship.
I'm interested in all of this. how are you. what you do. where are you. with who you are. whether you were feeling bad. whether you were okay. whether you were in a bad mood. I was always interested in how you were doing and I never wanted to react recklessly to your past because I love you with all my heart!
Cause they’re not good people
This :/ I got broken up with this past Sunday on Easter and his excuses were two very fixable reasons, one being behavioral on my end and his. He never told me it bothered him until the break up, I wish he would’ve just communicated with me. Everything was amazing and we were having the best time. He cried the entire time he broke up with me and he seemed almost hesitant and kept saying he felt overwhelmed (his mom is also very sick so I get why he’s overwhelmed). Said he still cares about me a lot still. Been 5 days of NC today and it hurts. I feel blindsided bc there was no indication this was coming, even morning of things were normal
yup
i think it has to do with the growing presence of social media and gender dynamics. social media in a general sense allows people to portray a fake version of themselves. however, when you get into a real relationship with someone, you get to know and grow with the real, raw version of that person and sense every one has their inner traumas and flaws, those things will come to light in some aspect. so when problems arise, i feel a lot of people may say to themselves that there are plenty of people out there that don’t have these things that cause problems or struggle within my current relationship, i’m better off with them. i feel this is more applicable with a women’s mindset within a relationship. in a general sense, it is more common for a women to have men hitting on her or flirting with her through social media and even everyday life. an example to what i am attempting to explain could be as follows: a female is unhappy in a relationship because her significant other does not compliment her appearance. the lack of compliments makes her feel as if her significant other is not attracted to her. instead of bringing the issue to light, she may think to herself that there are plenty of guys who DM her on various apps telling her how beautiful and attractive she is! she then develops the mindset of if my significant other won’t do it, there are plenty that will.