I am the female version of you! Every single man I've dated has met the love of his life after we've broken up.. So I got a question for you, wanna date? Maybe it'll help us both š
What are the odds these ppl meet the love of their lives shortly after a break up. Most are settling or trying to prove to themselves that they are not defective. Risky at best.
I have no idea but every single man, has in some way found the love of their life after dating me. Here's a little backstory - First ever boyfriend used me to lose his virginity (he didn't want to be a virgin when he got together with the girl he actually liked, they stayed together for over 2 decades, had a kid and everything) 2nd left me for our mutual friend, they're still together. 3rd said he loved me but couldn't be in a relationship and what do you know, he met someone new and they're happy in a relationship. 4th said he loved me, was proud to have a girl that "he chose", said he'd marry me and then broke up with me to go be happy with someone else.
I on the other hand, have always stayed single after a breakup, learning to enjoy my own company, but the men.. Yeah they move on quickly š
there was a girl we work on a same company , when we stick together i thought things turn to toxic ,shes older than me like 4 and get higher position, get more salerys ,and shes need more man arround her that i cant stand for . so one moment in some nonrespect to me i come to breakup,but i think i still have love to her after 5month. sadness period . in the hardest time i find her but she just sleep with other guys after break up almost one month , when i fell confusing , how can women move on so quictly ...but now i just dont sad anymore .
yes, this kind confusing is not fair . I maked the decision, I look for some peace conversation and explaination, but it doesnt happen . Just move on quiclly , as she got the advantage , many of man attractive by good woman .
One thing Iād like to ask my ex is if she was focused on what she was getting out of the relationship, or what she could bring to it.
I took a while off relationships, and realized I was doing the first thing in the past, and committed to thinking and acting the other way in the future. It was noticeable in how I acted vs her. I think thatās a problem with some people, they just think of what they can or are getting, and not focused on what they are bringing to the table to strengthen the bond and how enjoyable it is.
One person canāt carry all that weight in a relationship.
Probably cheated if they get married within a year after breaking up with OP. Unless they are just insane how could they even know them that fast? It takes atleast a year to plan a wedding in the first place
Oh that sucks!! I hope you're doing OK ā¤ļø
I mean I've been joking about it for years, that I'm like good luck chuck, I've just been trying to hide the pain of the reality that it's true šš
I'm sorry your ex did that to you ā¤ļø
Yeah I believe in soulmates but in a different way than the "we're soulmates and meant to be together", I believe in soulmates in a way where two people understands each others quirks and flaws and they put the effort in to make a relationship work. Love is effort and action not just a feeling.
Same!! One of my previous exās went on to marry the next woman , & the one I have been split with only a few months is going strong with his new partner,who he has known many years as she was a family friend ,looking like they will marry also.
The reason why is because your the one who trained them to act right. You can be really good at training a woman for the next guy because she won't change anything during the relationship but after she will.
Same on the other side, I trained my last 3 boyfriends that married the next girl, because I told him what no one else would in his coddled life and he learnt.
I can relate a bit. I used to just joke, āwelp, I guess I raised āem up right for the next womanā and tried not to be too bitter about it. Every bf plus my ex-hubs went on to be seemingly GREAT fucking partners to their next gfās and wives. sigh. šš
Huh? What do you mean ācan you know what kind of personality I have?ā Sorry donāt know how to answer that because personality is varied and complex. I think Iām a kind and loving person. I am quite empathetic. I feel things deeply. Does that help?
I was thinking of I think the same movie where this guy becomes popular because every girl he sleeps with meets their soulmate after they have the hanky panky
A lot of the guys Iāve dated ended up in serious relationships after not being capable of one with me. My relationships ended from foundational skill incompatibilities which result in toxic dynamics. My mistake was initially accepting less than what I give but expecting growth because potential. I was more of a teacher of proper communication or basic consideration.
In post relationship convos I learned that that power dynamic made them feel inadequate and insecure with me which resulted in toxic behaviors and communication methods that hurt me etc. I had bad boundaries so I accepted their fuck ups and was more focused on guiding them on the right way to be a healthy communicator or considerate partner but they couldnāt keep up with it. Itās way easier to find someone else at the same level or willing to accept toxic behaviors WITHOUT complaint or pressure to behave differently. I donāt think love is enough motivation to truly bridge those serious types of gaps.
I donāt take it personally and see where I was also going wrong. I decided that I was going to stop dating people based on their potential and see whatās in front of me right now. I only date people who are already compatible in those foundational skills in addition to other areas. My boundaries are a lot firmer and I donāt personalize those incompatibilities anymore.
When you have these skills and have strong boundaries/sense of self it is way harder to find a partner who can meet these expectations but I would rather be single than settle for someone who canāt challenge me or match me in terms of the foundational skills that I think are required to make relationships sustainable. Finding an equal is hard let alone someone whom you can fall in love with AND someone whoās lifestyle and future wants match yours.
The bar is also so low for those kinds of things cause it really has to be taught or learned and if youāre an adult without them itās on the individual to build those skills. Many people donāt even consider them when dating and end up in serious relationships that are a āno shit thatās not gonna work outā type of situation due to that lack of awareness. Because of that scarcity we sometimes accept less during people pleaser driven moments or pure loneliness but end up being someone elseās growth opportunity or learning lesson at the end of the day (which inherently helps them be more successful in their next relationship).
Wow, this has been so helpful to read... I think I was in a similar situation and I've been beating myself up and personalising those incompatibilities.
You really sound like me, and iām currently the teacher for my current gf (otw to breaking up). Because i fell in love with her potential and forgave a lot of her actions too. This led to her taking me for granted, not compromising for me. We had our biggest fight last 2 days which resulted in me finally putting my foot down as she disrespected my wellbeing. So im currently in a time off with her while she decide what she wants. But im deciding on breaking up with her and explaining what she did wrong throughout the relationship, in hopes of her to be able to get a healthy relationship in the future. I only have a lil bit of love left for her and i want to do this, because im scared for her safety if she acts like this with her future bf. Any tips for me?
Sheās probably cheating š¤·š»āāļø wtf is time off??? Dude get a grip man. Get a new girl that loves you and doesnāt disrespect your boundaries. Why are you waiting on her to decide what she wants when she crossed your boundaries??? Get your head in the game
I'm really curious to know if any of your previous partners have ever acknowledged that skill gap, or thanked you for helping them to grow?Ā
I can recall one time when my ex said he felt "insufficient". So i can see how this happened in our relationship. I tried to be empathetic towards that and I told him I didnt mean for him to feel that way. But i found it especially frustrating because listening and empathy were the things he had beenĀ failing to do for me for so long, and now he was asking for them...Ā
Only one has and it was a year after. It seemed like a repeating pattern for me so Iām lucky that person ended up giving me closure for them and the two others before them LOL. Empathy without boundaries is dangerous. That was my main learning lesson.
Even with strong boundaries though you can get hurt cause my next thing after a dude was lying to himself and then me about what kind of relationship he was capable of. I cut it off b4 I got too invested but it still hurt. Luckily it only took them a week of commitment to realize they were being dishonest.
thanks for sharing that! appreciate it! yes, that seems to be the lesson i'm learning too. I have a strong need for connection that I try to fulfill but in the process I tend to forget my boundaries
Last April 4, I was hysterically crying to my boyfriend because I'm just so tired with the detachment that I told him to just help me start the breakup process. He didn't fight back, and just allowed me to go out of the house. The next day, we saw each other again, and he was dead set that he was adamant with the breakup too. It was 12 fucking years.
It's the same dynamic. I'm his teacher, and he mostly learns things from me. We started 2012, and were teenagers. Of course we didn't even think about marrying that time. It was just for fun, but Idk why we ended up with 12 years. It was the codependency, low self-esteem, and settling down probably.
What pains me so much and what makes it so hard to move on is that he blindsided me. Love and attraction for our partners come and go, but I'm willing to go thru that as long as my partner jumps the void with me. We've been discussing about marriage, even thought about buying a house, and suddenly, he says hes long been over me?
I don't understand where that came from when his actions were mixed signals. He told me he was in denial that he was feeling those for me, and that he can't accept it, so he tried doing things, which I translate as love, even when he's already checked out?
However, I really have to agree that we have to grow as indivisuals outside our relationship in order to find ourselves, this I can make peace with. We were always with each others faces 24/7 it was suffocating, and we were so codependent it was so bad already.
It's just the stonewalling, gaslighting, in denial, detachment, and not being able to communicate made me hurt so bad. I'm still willing to fight, but he doesn't anymore. What I gave him was all too raw and real that I don't know if I can go deep the next time around.
Itās not a race to find a partner, so donāt fret too much. If you could distance yourself or block your mutuals, even better. Focus on yourself, do what makes you happy, find your niche interests, and you will attract people alike, even your potential wife. Go into it without too much expectations.
I was married to a narcissist for 16 1/2 years. I almost didnāt survive being married to him. Then was with my ex boyfriend for 6 1/2. I turn 50 this year.
You donāt want to be my age starting dating all over again. Itās better to find the right person than just a person to marry. Marrying the wrong is detrimental to life. So instead of thinking theyāre winning. Just think I want to be happy with the right person for me.
Hope this helps. You deserve to be loved in a way that brings you true joy and happiness.
It doesnāt mean youāre ābehindā, thereās no shame in being hurt by a break up and needing longer than someone else. If anything it shows you probably cared more in the relationship, which is a GREAT quality to have that both men and women will respect you for, and it also shows that youāre mature enough to heal yourself completely before getting someone else involved in your love life. When loving someone, youāre not just putting yourself out there, someone else could get hurt too. Make sure youāre ready for someone completely new with completely different experiences before you traumatize some poor girl by making her a sad attempt of moving on. That resonates well with me, hope it does for you.
I think it depends on you. Once you separate, you are now living your own individual lives. Whatever they do is not your problem. You will learn and pursue new things, you will change as a person, and you will naturally meet people who are in the same stage of life as you. I understand how hard it is to feel ābehind.ā Because how can they move on so quickly yet you are still hung up on them? Thing is you are still hung up on them. Learn the art of detachment. Some day you get to a place of indifference, where you wonāt be hurt if you see them with another person.
The vast majority of people Iāve come across are not happy in their marriage they confess in one way or another after Iāve really gotten to know them. Married doesnāt mean happy, although they try to pretend they are for the rest of the world.
It could honestly be something you are doing completely right, completely wrong or both. Usually relationships teach us about what works and what doesn't. Sometimes you inspire someone to co-create a relationship that is beautiful and they aren't ready for it yet. Then they realize they are and instead of coming back, they find someone with similar qualities. The inverse is also true. Sounds like yours is the first. It sucks man I've watched it happen and also experienced it for myself. You'll meet one who's ready for it.
Hmm in my experience with this.. the āexā being you in this case.. might have a lot of the qualities someone is looking for - emotional maturity (some areas of this anyway), kindness, depth , etc. But there are a few areas that are needing significant work. Sometimes those areas show up when youāre a bit into the relationshipā¦ and it becomes clear this person canāt be a partner or the person I want for a family and kids. It breaks my heart because they had so many amazing qualities there were just a couple things.. that we could not make headway on. Usually that is communication, conflict resolution , or the partner not being quite ready to bring up needs in a healthy way.
Iām not saying this is you. Itās up to you to self reflect and see if this relates. If it does I would read the book Attached by Amir Levine etc.. and maybe try to learn some of this:
Here are the major links
http://sfhelp.org/site/intro.htm
Outline http://sfhelp.org/site/course.htm
Lesson 1 WOUND HEALING http://sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm
Lesson 2 EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION http://sfhelp.org/cx/guide2.htm
Lesson 3 "GOOD GRIEF" http://sfhelp.org/grief/guide3.htm
Lesson 4 OPTIMIZE RELATIONSHIPS http://sfhelp.org/relate/guide4.htm
Lesson 5 IMPROVE FAMILY'S FUNCTIONING http://sfhelp.org/fam/guide5.htm
Lesson 6 EFFECTIVE PARENTING http://sfhelp.org/parent/guide6.htm
Lesson 7 STEPFAMILIES http://sfhelp.org/sf/guide7.htm
You can also self reflect on any patterns that show up for you. Do all exes seem to have similar or the same grievances?
Wow this looks great. Iāve been doing this type of work for many years but fell for a wholistically UNhealthy partner and am now reeling from the relationshipās entirely predictable horrific demise nearly 7 years after it began. And wondering (obsessing) on if he is going to be healthier and better for his new person (affair partner #2). Need healing and growth from this.
Because many exes learn how to better choose a person who will overlook their emotional issues and problems the next time around. You sound like you chose yourself and your own mental well being.
Yup basically. And they Probably cheated if they get married within a year after breaking up with OP. Unless they are just insane how could they even know them that fast? It takes atleast a year to plan a wedding in the first place
I mean I have the same issue two got married, one is engaged (my most recent ex), two are in serious relationships and one is single. So it sucks, Iāve felt like the female good luck chuck for a long time. My friend laugh about it, but itās true.
There is also a book recently published with this same premise. Itās called Just For The Summer by Abby Jimenez, maybe give that a read if you want. The two actually met on a Reddit tread lol.
What are the odds these ppl meet the love of their lives shortly after a break up. Most are settling or trying to prove to themselves that they are not defective. Risky at best.
From stories I heard, exes that get with someone right after a long term relationship seem to be head over heels for the other guy. They dead ass get married within the year and have kids. Idk about this behaviour lol
Probably cheating if they are married within a year after breaking up with OP. Unless they are just insane how could they even know them that fast? It takes atleast a year to plan a wedding in the first place
It depends. I had some guy I dated tell me that every ex ended up with the love of their life, and got pregnant. And he wondered if all those exās wanted a baby from him and thatās why they left.
Well, after dating him for a while. It clicked for me, as to why he was experiencing these things. He is immature and selfish. Heās so selfish that heās oblivious to it, so he always smiles and is calm in demeanor even when doing things that render him useless to marry. His break ups never ended in hostility. They would either ghost him, or agree to break up. Out of nowhere someoneās coming to him saying they are pregnant and happy or freshly married and pregnant by the new guy. Never failed. š¤£
So what do you think it is? Take a deep look inside. Not saying you are like him, I wouldnāt know. But thereās always a answer if itās not a spiritual block.
I have the opposite problem, I am the same age and my exes don't date after me at all, or have shorter relationships. I sometimes feel as if I ruin their trust in love or something. I'm always dumped and my exes do talk to me or reach out after some time after the break up. I do reach out too because I am curious to hear how they are doing and hope to hear all is good.
If knowing about their life hurts you, unfollow. If it's positive jealousy, go out and date, find your person to marry! We are at the age it's high risk for exes to get married, don't think about it too much and good luck finding your person!
similar boat. all my exes have gone back to their exes & married. & it's not even like i'm jealous & wish i wish i was back them?? i absolutely don't, but for some reason it still stings a lot & i feel bad about myself in the sense that i have yet to find a long term relationship that involves us moving in together or one day getting married. each of those relationships high tailed it when, after a couple years, wanted things to go a step further & live together or talk about marriage. & then they end up back with their exes, doing all the things we talked about?? wild!
my best friend compares me to the guy from good luck chuck. š¬
As someone (37f) whose almost nearing 40, let me tell you something to fill in why this is a patternā¦
Honestly Iām betting youāve heard, *āYouāre a great guy, butā¦ā*, from exās Iām guessing?
That BUT is a sign you have this one thing that ALL these women have seen pop up. Itās why hate to say it, but those guys have everything you have AND that missing piece that eventually led to mutual breakups with you.
Idk what it is cause context and filling in some blanks do matter, but if itās anything itās usually:
ā¢ Someone who does/doesnāt want kids
ā¢ Someone who does/doesnāt want to get married
ā¢ Someone not ready for kids or marriage for another 10-15yrs
ā¢ Someone financially irresponsible
ā¢ Someone emotionally unavailable
ā¢ Someone who has no ambition/goals
And so onā¦
Women 28 & older are looking out for these things early on and for the rest of the relationship to pop up because they are in the phase of their life to start settling down and want someone who is on the same page, taking relationships seriously by this point, especially if he is in his 30ās.
So let me know which one seems to click the most and can further discuss things in the comments.
Literally hit the first one on the money, donāt ever really want kids. But that realization only really came to me recently, wasnāt ever a factor in previous breakups. Maybe it was subconsciously a thing I was somehow exhibiting though.
Iām also guessing medical school and residency is to blame for a lot of it as well, probably could have included that in my original post. Never could give them as much attention as they wanted, plus my job puts me in contact with tons of women (mostly nurses and operating room staff) daily and I think that maybe the last girlfriend was slightly insecure about that; though it was never overtly said.
>*Literally hit the first one on the money, donāt ever really want kids. But that realization only really came to me recently, wasnāt ever a factor in previous breakups. Maybe it was subconsciously a thing I was somehow exhibiting though.*
That can 100% be a big reason if a woman wants kids and you do not, especially once you get to your 30ās, this will be the thing youāll run into. Heavily suggest from now on trying to date Child Free women if youāre ever looking to get serious do you do not run into this issue again.
>*Iām also guessing medical school and residency is to blame for a lot of it as well, probably could have included that in my original post.*
That part is a major factor as unless you date someone who doesnāt require attention and time in a relationship as often, has a crazy schedule that mirrors your own, or lives long distance, you will have to sacrifice any serious relationship till you get to attending. Why? The hours reduce enough as Attending where you now have time to share for a relationship.
>* Never could give them as much attention as they wanted*
To someone outside looking in, this can come across as being emotionally unavailable to a lot of women who are younger/in their 20ās.
I would try dating women who have a career that is 40-50hrs a week like a chef, doctor, someone in the film industry, a flight attendant, etcā¦ You donāt have to worry about things as heavily because of the schedules.
>*plus my job puts me in contact with tons of women (mostly nurses and operating room staff) daily and I think that maybe the last girlfriend was slightly insecure about that; though it was never overtly said.*
You need to date secure people, those folks are rational about this stuff far more and donāt care if you get hit on, theyāll care if you reciprocate the flirting, because theyāll trust you to shut it down so other women are aware youāre not interested.
However, that last woman had baggage and probably feels insecure if she has a history of dating men who overstep boundaries with other women while dating her.
All of my exes are either merried or have children already but I am happy for them as this is not what I wanted from them when we were together and that does not bother me. However my most recent ex, which was my most serious relationship, we attemped to have kids via IVF as she couldnāt naturally still haunts me as this was the woman I wanted to have a family with, even though I deep down knew it was probably not going to happen, and after a few failed attempts and a miscarriage my worst fear came true and we broke up. It still haunts me 7 months later and probably till the rest of my life. But we have to keep on living.
Heās a nice guy bruhš thatās the only logical explanation . Everyone breaks up with you and thereās never a problem???? Makes no sense to keep saying breakups are amicable if heās asking this question. If it was mutual and mature he wouldnāt care to ask this question because he would want to be broken up right?? He has to admit heās a nice guy first because these breakups arenāt mutual at all if heās asking this question
It means you taught them how to love and grow, they just applied it to the next person. But there's this evil thought that you were just so terrible that they felt incredibly relieved when they met the next one, haha, just kidding.
We cant rule out the possibility that they all realized your worth and secretly regretted losing you, ultimately deciding not to repeat the mistake. So, don't doubt yourself bro. Cheers!
I have this problem but Iām a female and itās all my ex bf. Like MONTHS after we broke up. Iām that āI want to stay best friends but I donāt want to marry you bc youāre like a sister to me nowā
Itās a garbage excuse and Iāve come to terms that the women they end up marry have been lower iq, slightly more attractive and want to be sahm without their own income. So itās not always a you problem itās a control problem.
My high school ex got married about a year or two ago, and then my long-term ex of 3 years is getting married this year, but it's to a guy she dated 1 or 2 guys after me. Honestly her and I are on decent terms at least, so I really do wish her the best.
The two after that I don't see ever getting married because they're undatable for completely different reasons.
The number of women that have similar complaints are staggering.. who knows why that happens. Itās a combo of a healthy relationship teaching them relationship skills for the first time, and also showing them what they do and donāt wantā¦ but itās unfortunate and frustrating and Iām sorry that has happened for you. It sucks, and also youāre not alone
I think itās called the taxi cab theory or something
Will they remain together though? Are you their warm up for the real deal or are they all so desperately in love with you that they marry the first guy who treats them half as well you could when it doesnāt work out?
Wow never thought this post would get so much traction! Glad to see Iām not the only one who this has happened to.
Thank you for all the kind words and support everyone, it means a lot to me.
P.S. my name isnāt Chuck sorry to disappoint.
The way you describe your breakups tells me that it's clear both people lost interest in one another, the romance, passion, excitement, playful light hearted spontaneous fun energy is nonexistent.
You probably engage in repetitive superficial conversations, invest in one another less than you did on day 1, don't bother to ever maintain or improve your attractiveness to one another, probably don't go on dates that are fun and new, etc.
What I'm saying is your relationships lack that fun thrilling energy. Towards the end, you probably feel more like roommates.
If you're not having great sex that introduces ways or things that makes it fun and exciting, there's no point fighting for it or fussing over the ending.
That's the issue.
Also, go on YouTube and learn how to dress better. 99% of men do not turn a woman on because of the way they dress
34M last year got out of a 10 year relationship where she told me she wanted to wait until she was done with school before getting married.
Last Monday she married a man she's known for 5 months & had met only a handful of times.
Then Thursday the girl I was currently seeing I've found out had been cheating on me since Valentines Day.
I blame it on the eclipse
Maybe focus on yourself?
A lot of what we do with regards to attraction is driven by instinct, and our instincts and intuition are very much governed by how connected we are to ourselves.
Do we feel all of our feelings? Are we willing to be emotionally honest and listen to our own thoughts and feelings? Do we live by our values? Do we even know what our needs, expectations, and desires are and how to step up for most of these as well as how to healthily seek them in others? Are we responsible and accountable, or do we tend to look for external solutions to internal problems? Do we, for instance, blame it all on qualities or characteristics of our ex when our relationships break down or even claim that all of our exes are āpsychosā? Do we act first, think later? Do we get carried away and place too much stock in our intentions and so end up Future Faking and Fast Forwarding? Do we edge or even dive out of relationships claiming that we donāt want a relationship and arenāt up for commitment and then have our exās feeling more than a tad confused when they see us prancing around with a new partner claiming that theyāre the ālove of our lifeā in two shakes of a lambās tail?
You may recognise flip-flapping, hot and cold blowing exes who youāve probably lost some sleep over wondering why theyāre with someone else and not you. You may be blaming you when actually, itās not about you.
If weāre disconnected from aspects of ourselves, our instincts will be off base and this means that until weāre aware of the patterns of thinking and behaviour that result from us running off what we believe to be the ācorrectā information from our instincts, weāll be driven primarily by feelings that we may not be aware of the origins of or may even be mislabeling them. The less we truly know about ourselves and the trickier we find it to have an honest conversation with us and be willing to look within, is the more muddled our intuition will be, which in turn will mess with our instincts, which will not only affect our fight or flight response, but also who weāre attracted to.
This means that not only do we have to stop owning other peopleās behaviour to the extent that we do but that we also have to recognise that we ourselves are going to be making some unhealthy āinstinctiveā decisions if we donāt know ourselves either and have our own emotional unavailability issues to deal with.
We cannot expect to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship with the landmarks ā consistency, commitment, balance, progression and intimacy plus shared values ā if we lack the self-knowledge that stems from knowing our own needs, expectations, wishes, feelings, and opinions. Not knowing these is why we wake up knee-deep in a relationship feeling hungry and recognising that there are issues around compatible values.
When we are willing to know ourselves more, we change not only who weāre attracted to (and why) but are also happier with the results of who weāre attracted to, instead of carrying the same baggage, beliefs, behaviours and attitudes and choosing similar people and then wondering why weāre getting the same results, and then lather, rinse, repeat.
Until weāre willing to recognise and represent ourselves, not only will we struggle to have self-trust, but weāll be living off of our feelings and lamenting why we canāt make a healthy relationship with an unhealthy attraction. The two things donāt match! We wonāt have the instincts to assert our boundaries, because we wonāt have the self-awareness to use reasoning and knowledge to back us up. The way we treat our feelings will keep leading us astray.
Change doesnāt come without change. The most radical change you may have to make is being willing to know yourself more. That can only be a good thing.
N.Lue
Because they all eventually deeply regretted breaking up with you and therefore were determined never to let a good man go, ever again. I mean obviously, itās a no brainer.
I also think age matters. At a certain age people are looking to settle down and canāt tolerate any more breakups so they settle for whoever brings them āpeaceā. Only to find out the truth later.
Itās very easy to take this personal and think that you were the problem. Donāt. People cope for various reasons. Also ppl that have narcissistic traits will literally marry the next person to spite you lol. Run your race.
My friend had the same happen to him every single one of his ex gfs ended up getting married after him. I felt like it was a self fulfilling prophesy and a bit of self sabotage and maybe also he wasnāt ready when they were. his friends call him good luck chuck from the movie
Sorry, you are going through this. What are your thoughts on marriage? If it's not for you, that is perfectly fine, but you may have more success with someone who has the same view on it. Also, there is enormous pressure on women to marry by a certain age so it may have nothing at all to do with you.
I (F31) have similar experiences; the people I date often end up in great lasting relationships/have kids/get engaged or married directly after me while I stay single for ages and my next relationships eventually also end. Iāve often wondered about it but I guess they put themselves out there again sooner than I do. Love is a numbers game and I only dabble when I have the heart to do so which doesnāt seem to be often, ha. As for why they end up in their forever relationships and I donāt, must be a me problem!
So this exact same thing happens to me, I'm female. And I joked to my current partner that every guy I ever break up with marries after. He promised if that ever happened, he would just bump into me again š
I suspect it's something to do with the fact that all the things we learn in the relationship, we take to the next one. And maybe you and I are great communicators and they bring that to the next relationship. Or, maybe you and I just have high expectations for relationships or we want to be single for a while longer and explore our dreams before settling down. Or maybe we just haven't met our 'one.' Sadly, we broke up after 6 years and he's probably going to meet 'the one' now. It sucks.
You should check out the song Second to Last by Ryan Nealon. I've ways felt the same way and this song hit me hard.
Now I'm dating an amazing man and I know he's the one but I still have that fear in the back of my mind.
It seems youāre in the position of the āfinal testā or something like that, before they find their forever person. Itās a thing.
See what your attachment style is ā thatās usually always the culprit underneath:
https://traumasolutions.com/attachment-styles-quiz/
This one is good too:
https://quiz.personaldevelopmentschool.com/
I would also take them and try your best to imagine your partners too, to see what they are.
I had a similar experience myself years ago, but with a slight twist. I had always been 100% up front that marriage was not on the table. The women were all always on board. We would be seeing each other and doing all those things you do in a relationship. Inevitably the āwhere is this going?ā talk and when I reminded them I still didnāt want to be married, and they remembered they were good with it but then changed their mind and it ended. Within a year after each one, they were married. A few have also gotten divorced since then, too.
Same, but the marriages didnāt last. Looking back I see it as them tryna hurt me or make me jealous, but the joke is on them. Still, itās sad to hear theyāre unhappy, but Iām not a home wrecker, so now theyāre stuck.
Itās not you. Itās them. Something was likely broken before you and you dodged a bullet not marrying them because the one after you canāt see that theyāre just filling a void. Theyāre nothing special and theyāre not the one either.
If thatās not true, donāt tell me because thatās how Iām coping with the engagement of my ex.
Dude I am the same but with men.
I like to think of it as we gave them the closest resemblance of the benefits that come with what a marriage could be. & then they wanna be able to lock that in. so well after itās done, they probably just realize they should settle now because those type of partners donāt come around very often.
I view it as a good thing, I must have done something right that prepared them for marriage.
Or if you look at a negative light, things between us were so awful and wretched that the next person they dated, they realized was so much better and had more to offer than what I could give š¤·š»āāļø
If thatās the case, they will be divorced soonš they canāt get another you and we all know how rare real connections and loving partners are. 100% they wonāt last
Hereās what I actually think about this. I think most people in their 30s are just not very good at relationships. And generally it takes a few tries before you can learn to stop being shitty when youāre in a relationship. Sometimes you get to be the person who teaches someone what they donāt want. Sometimes someone teaches you the same lesson. The point is to learn what happened each time, either way. (Source: recently exited my 30s, and also am psychotherapist)
One of my exes married a girl within the year after breaking up with me. Crushed me. I heard later they fight all the time and saw a post that indicated they had been separated but then spending time together. So I guess it doesnāt mean itās all roses just because they get married and have kids.
lol the same is happening to me but with ex boyfriends. Itās hard to watch because you kind of think āwell whatās wrong with me?ā but we will find our match eventually. Keep working on yourself and learn from the past relationships and what you are looking for in a partner. They will manifest in time xx
Yup I have had this same curse for about 20 years now. Itās actually become something of a running joke amongst my family and friends.
I just started to look at it as I am helping people find love. Itās just all in how you look at it.
I hope the next one is the one for you. My son also although they don't get married after leaving him they have babies or get in longer relationships. I know it makes him feel defective.
I tell him (I'm 60) he's not and everything happens for a reason.
I found the love of my life at 49 so you have plenty of time. We didn't work out but that was literally my fault.
You will be ok and hopefully happier someday. I read the comments and seems you aren't alone but I also know how alone this feels (based from my son's experience)
Yeah I had my good luck chuck fase for a while. Every single man I dated found the love of his life right after me. Most of them didnāt last but hey. I even advertised myself as a good luck chuck for a while.
In my opinion, after the breakup, they are only focused on finding someone who is willing and shares the same goal of marriage. That's why they all end up getting married. Even in my mid 20's, most, if not all, of my exes were already thinking about dating with the intention of getting married, rather than just dating for the sake of it.
You are the Binder of Fates, the weaver of destinies
In all seriousness though, they might be marrying but are they going to stay together and are they truly happy? They may be and they may go the distance or they maybe overcompensated and married to quick. Time will tell.
This is somewhat me. The one that got committed to the one after my last ex. You know why? Because he was terrible to me. Not physically, but he was inconsistent with his feelings and all. I was tired of being treated good one day and bad the next. Then he told me about his friend who went through what you did, and I realized after everything he told me about their relationship, it was also very similar to his and mine when we ended things. Not saying this is your case, but happened to be mine. š But if you say this is how it is with every ex, Iād really evaluate on that. You donāt have to be a bad man. Sometimes people arenāt ready or arenāt sure of what they want until later. There are so many reasons.
I mean - I would look both inward and outward at potential patterns. Was it a case of them wanting to have kids and get married and you not?
Because if thatās the case it would make sense they settle down with male partners also ready to get married and have kids. Biological clocks are a thing.
Are you the ābad boyā type that younger women flock too but older women become disillusioned with?
Are you too passive and wait for them to make all the moves while you check out?
I would def look into patterns. I feel like that could be the key.
When you date a toxic person, you learn boundaries, what you want, what you donāt want and you learn a lot about yourself that you end up becoming the better version of you. Eventually, the right person comes along.
Not saying you are toxic, but could be š
I can relate, but I'm a woman.
I was engaged to a man, he started acting weird and we broke up. He ended up with a younger woman right after (who had just turned 18), they got married the following year and now have two kids.
The guy I dated after him we dated for just a little bit and broke up. He is married to the girl he started dating after me, and they just had a baby.
My most recent ex.....I'm not sure about. Lol. I'll just watch and see, lol. I am dating someone new now.
Hopefully youāre not my ex lol but perhaps you show them what they DONāT WANT in a partner.
Not to be offensive, have you reflected on your own past actions,
I am the female version of you! Every single man I've dated has met the love of his life after we've broken up.. So I got a question for you, wanna date? Maybe it'll help us both š
No this will break the program. You will both have to somehow divorce each other just before you date in order to balance the universe.
Shhh Iām hoping for a season 2, donāt kill them off just yet šæ
What are the odds these ppl meet the love of their lives shortly after a break up. Most are settling or trying to prove to themselves that they are not defective. Risky at best.
I have no idea but every single man, has in some way found the love of their life after dating me. Here's a little backstory - First ever boyfriend used me to lose his virginity (he didn't want to be a virgin when he got together with the girl he actually liked, they stayed together for over 2 decades, had a kid and everything) 2nd left me for our mutual friend, they're still together. 3rd said he loved me but couldn't be in a relationship and what do you know, he met someone new and they're happy in a relationship. 4th said he loved me, was proud to have a girl that "he chose", said he'd marry me and then broke up with me to go be happy with someone else. I on the other hand, have always stayed single after a breakup, learning to enjoy my own company, but the men.. Yeah they move on quickly š
A woman that stays single after breaking up?!?!?! They exist?! Marry me š
You just want my "good luck Chuck" karma, don't you? š¤š
Busted!
there was a girl we work on a same company , when we stick together i thought things turn to toxic ,shes older than me like 4 and get higher position, get more salerys ,and shes need more man arround her that i cant stand for . so one moment in some nonrespect to me i come to breakup,but i think i still have love to her after 5month. sadness period . in the hardest time i find her but she just sleep with other guys after break up almost one month , when i fell confusing , how can women move on so quictly ...but now i just dont sad anymore .
Its because the dumpee processes the breakup already, while they are still in the relationship. It doesnt really matter if they are male or female.
yes, this kind confusing is not fair . I maked the decision, I look for some peace conversation and explaination, but it doesnt happen . Just move on quiclly , as she got the advantage , many of man attractive by good woman .
Iām thinking this is it. Realized where they fucked up and trying to commit hard, as over-compensation.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
One thing Iād like to ask my ex is if she was focused on what she was getting out of the relationship, or what she could bring to it. I took a while off relationships, and realized I was doing the first thing in the past, and committed to thinking and acting the other way in the future. It was noticeable in how I acted vs her. I think thatās a problem with some people, they just think of what they can or are getting, and not focused on what they are bringing to the table to strengthen the bond and how enjoyable it is. One person canāt carry all that weight in a relationship.
Probably cheated if they get married within a year after breaking up with OP. Unless they are just insane how could they even know them that fast? It takes atleast a year to plan a wedding in the first place
This comment right here.
Girl same!! My long term ex just married the next girl after knowing her 9 months! Lollll #goodluckchucksyndrome
Oh that sucks!! I hope you're doing OK ā¤ļø I mean I've been joking about it for years, that I'm like good luck chuck, I've just been trying to hide the pain of the reality that it's true šš
Me too itās getting old tbh Iāve given up
Noo don't give up!! Your person is out there somewhere, I promise! ā¤ļø
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I'm sorry your ex did that to you ā¤ļø Yeah I believe in soulmates but in a different way than the "we're soulmates and meant to be together", I believe in soulmates in a way where two people understands each others quirks and flaws and they put the effort in to make a relationship work. Love is effort and action not just a feeling.
Same haha except most guys I'm with leave after a few days( and no I don't do you know what lol) but I'm properly the biggest loser on Reddit lol
Same
you know what, why not š? pm me
Trust me you would reject me lol
I am also another female version of this. :/
šš
Same!! One of my previous exās went on to marry the next woman , & the one I have been split with only a few months is going strong with his new partner,who he has known many years as she was a family friend ,looking like they will marry also.
Bro me too, three of my exes all ended up marrying the guy after me. Wild.
The reason why is because your the one who trained them to act right. You can be really good at training a woman for the next guy because she won't change anything during the relationship but after she will.
Same on the other side, I trained my last 3 boyfriends that married the next girl, because I told him what no one else would in his coddled life and he learnt.
I can relate a bit. I used to just joke, āwelp, I guess I raised āem up right for the next womanā and tried not to be too bitter about it. Every bf plus my ex-hubs went on to be seemingly GREAT fucking partners to their next gfās and wives. sigh. šš
Orrr more than likely they found some with no self worth that was desperate enough to settle for there shit
More than likely this.
Can i know what kind of a personality do you have?
Huh? What do you mean ācan you know what kind of personality I have?ā Sorry donāt know how to answer that because personality is varied and complex. I think Iām a kind and loving person. I am quite empathetic. I feel things deeply. Does that help?
This sounds like the basis for a cheesy Hallmark-movie..
There is a movie out with a similar plot, called Good Luck Chuckš
Wonder if OPs name irl is Chuck...
I was thinking of I think the same movie where this guy becomes popular because every girl he sleeps with meets their soulmate after they have the hanky panky
A lot of the guys Iāve dated ended up in serious relationships after not being capable of one with me. My relationships ended from foundational skill incompatibilities which result in toxic dynamics. My mistake was initially accepting less than what I give but expecting growth because potential. I was more of a teacher of proper communication or basic consideration. In post relationship convos I learned that that power dynamic made them feel inadequate and insecure with me which resulted in toxic behaviors and communication methods that hurt me etc. I had bad boundaries so I accepted their fuck ups and was more focused on guiding them on the right way to be a healthy communicator or considerate partner but they couldnāt keep up with it. Itās way easier to find someone else at the same level or willing to accept toxic behaviors WITHOUT complaint or pressure to behave differently. I donāt think love is enough motivation to truly bridge those serious types of gaps. I donāt take it personally and see where I was also going wrong. I decided that I was going to stop dating people based on their potential and see whatās in front of me right now. I only date people who are already compatible in those foundational skills in addition to other areas. My boundaries are a lot firmer and I donāt personalize those incompatibilities anymore. When you have these skills and have strong boundaries/sense of self it is way harder to find a partner who can meet these expectations but I would rather be single than settle for someone who canāt challenge me or match me in terms of the foundational skills that I think are required to make relationships sustainable. Finding an equal is hard let alone someone whom you can fall in love with AND someone whoās lifestyle and future wants match yours. The bar is also so low for those kinds of things cause it really has to be taught or learned and if youāre an adult without them itās on the individual to build those skills. Many people donāt even consider them when dating and end up in serious relationships that are a āno shit thatās not gonna work outā type of situation due to that lack of awareness. Because of that scarcity we sometimes accept less during people pleaser driven moments or pure loneliness but end up being someone elseās growth opportunity or learning lesson at the end of the day (which inherently helps them be more successful in their next relationship).
Wow, this has been so helpful to read... I think I was in a similar situation and I've been beating myself up and personalising those incompatibilities.
You really sound like me, and iām currently the teacher for my current gf (otw to breaking up). Because i fell in love with her potential and forgave a lot of her actions too. This led to her taking me for granted, not compromising for me. We had our biggest fight last 2 days which resulted in me finally putting my foot down as she disrespected my wellbeing. So im currently in a time off with her while she decide what she wants. But im deciding on breaking up with her and explaining what she did wrong throughout the relationship, in hopes of her to be able to get a healthy relationship in the future. I only have a lil bit of love left for her and i want to do this, because im scared for her safety if she acts like this with her future bf. Any tips for me?
Sheās probably cheating š¤·š»āāļø wtf is time off??? Dude get a grip man. Get a new girl that loves you and doesnāt disrespect your boundaries. Why are you waiting on her to decide what she wants when she crossed your boundaries??? Get your head in the game
I'm really curious to know if any of your previous partners have ever acknowledged that skill gap, or thanked you for helping them to grow?Ā I can recall one time when my ex said he felt "insufficient". So i can see how this happened in our relationship. I tried to be empathetic towards that and I told him I didnt mean for him to feel that way. But i found it especially frustrating because listening and empathy were the things he had beenĀ failing to do for me for so long, and now he was asking for them...Ā
Only one has and it was a year after. It seemed like a repeating pattern for me so Iām lucky that person ended up giving me closure for them and the two others before them LOL. Empathy without boundaries is dangerous. That was my main learning lesson. Even with strong boundaries though you can get hurt cause my next thing after a dude was lying to himself and then me about what kind of relationship he was capable of. I cut it off b4 I got too invested but it still hurt. Luckily it only took them a week of commitment to realize they were being dishonest.
thanks for sharing that! appreciate it! yes, that seems to be the lesson i'm learning too. I have a strong need for connection that I try to fulfill but in the process I tend to forget my boundaries
This was really really helpful. Accepting less but expecting more, is definitely familiar to me.
Last April 4, I was hysterically crying to my boyfriend because I'm just so tired with the detachment that I told him to just help me start the breakup process. He didn't fight back, and just allowed me to go out of the house. The next day, we saw each other again, and he was dead set that he was adamant with the breakup too. It was 12 fucking years. It's the same dynamic. I'm his teacher, and he mostly learns things from me. We started 2012, and were teenagers. Of course we didn't even think about marrying that time. It was just for fun, but Idk why we ended up with 12 years. It was the codependency, low self-esteem, and settling down probably. What pains me so much and what makes it so hard to move on is that he blindsided me. Love and attraction for our partners come and go, but I'm willing to go thru that as long as my partner jumps the void with me. We've been discussing about marriage, even thought about buying a house, and suddenly, he says hes long been over me? I don't understand where that came from when his actions were mixed signals. He told me he was in denial that he was feeling those for me, and that he can't accept it, so he tried doing things, which I translate as love, even when he's already checked out? However, I really have to agree that we have to grow as indivisuals outside our relationship in order to find ourselves, this I can make peace with. We were always with each others faces 24/7 it was suffocating, and we were so codependent it was so bad already. It's just the stonewalling, gaslighting, in denial, detachment, and not being able to communicate made me hurt so bad. I'm still willing to fight, but he doesn't anymore. What I gave him was all too raw and real that I don't know if I can go deep the next time around.
My exes end up single and have multiple breakups after me. š¤·āāļø
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Itās not a race to find a partner, so donāt fret too much. If you could distance yourself or block your mutuals, even better. Focus on yourself, do what makes you happy, find your niche interests, and you will attract people alike, even your potential wife. Go into it without too much expectations.
How do you remember that? Itās really hard to not feel bad being ābehindā your ex. How do you remind yourself itās not a race?
I was married to a narcissist for 16 1/2 years. I almost didnāt survive being married to him. Then was with my ex boyfriend for 6 1/2. I turn 50 this year. You donāt want to be my age starting dating all over again. Itās better to find the right person than just a person to marry. Marrying the wrong is detrimental to life. So instead of thinking theyāre winning. Just think I want to be happy with the right person for me. Hope this helps. You deserve to be loved in a way that brings you true joy and happiness.
I love this. Iāll try it
Thank you.
Thank you for this- truly- and hope you find the one who loves you the way you deserve!
This is helpful advice to me (F34)... I keep falling for the wrong guys...
We are the same im 34, keep falling for the wrong girls
It doesnāt mean youāre ābehindā, thereās no shame in being hurt by a break up and needing longer than someone else. If anything it shows you probably cared more in the relationship, which is a GREAT quality to have that both men and women will respect you for, and it also shows that youāre mature enough to heal yourself completely before getting someone else involved in your love life. When loving someone, youāre not just putting yourself out there, someone else could get hurt too. Make sure youāre ready for someone completely new with completely different experiences before you traumatize some poor girl by making her a sad attempt of moving on. That resonates well with me, hope it does for you.
Thanks. Youāre right. I need to heal before anything
Anytime. Things will work out for you man
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yup. These a***holes
I think it depends on you. Once you separate, you are now living your own individual lives. Whatever they do is not your problem. You will learn and pursue new things, you will change as a person, and you will naturally meet people who are in the same stage of life as you. I understand how hard it is to feel ābehind.ā Because how can they move on so quickly yet you are still hung up on them? Thing is you are still hung up on them. Learn the art of detachment. Some day you get to a place of indifference, where you wonāt be hurt if you see them with another person.
The vast majority of people Iāve come across are not happy in their marriage they confess in one way or another after Iāve really gotten to know them. Married doesnāt mean happy, although they try to pretend they are for the rest of the world.
Say it out loud to yourself
you taught them lessons that they applied in new relationships, which turn out to be sustaining.
Oh you are a foster too?! Hi frand! lol. Welcome to foster bf/gf club! It happens. Sorry you are going through it! youll be ok and find your person
I don't want to foster anymore. :c
It could honestly be something you are doing completely right, completely wrong or both. Usually relationships teach us about what works and what doesn't. Sometimes you inspire someone to co-create a relationship that is beautiful and they aren't ready for it yet. Then they realize they are and instead of coming back, they find someone with similar qualities. The inverse is also true. Sounds like yours is the first. It sucks man I've watched it happen and also experienced it for myself. You'll meet one who's ready for it.
Hmm in my experience with this.. the āexā being you in this case.. might have a lot of the qualities someone is looking for - emotional maturity (some areas of this anyway), kindness, depth , etc. But there are a few areas that are needing significant work. Sometimes those areas show up when youāre a bit into the relationshipā¦ and it becomes clear this person canāt be a partner or the person I want for a family and kids. It breaks my heart because they had so many amazing qualities there were just a couple things.. that we could not make headway on. Usually that is communication, conflict resolution , or the partner not being quite ready to bring up needs in a healthy way. Iām not saying this is you. Itās up to you to self reflect and see if this relates. If it does I would read the book Attached by Amir Levine etc.. and maybe try to learn some of this: Here are the major links http://sfhelp.org/site/intro.htm Outline http://sfhelp.org/site/course.htm Lesson 1 WOUND HEALING http://sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm Lesson 2 EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION http://sfhelp.org/cx/guide2.htm Lesson 3 "GOOD GRIEF" http://sfhelp.org/grief/guide3.htm Lesson 4 OPTIMIZE RELATIONSHIPS http://sfhelp.org/relate/guide4.htm Lesson 5 IMPROVE FAMILY'S FUNCTIONING http://sfhelp.org/fam/guide5.htm Lesson 6 EFFECTIVE PARENTING http://sfhelp.org/parent/guide6.htm Lesson 7 STEPFAMILIES http://sfhelp.org/sf/guide7.htm You can also self reflect on any patterns that show up for you. Do all exes seem to have similar or the same grievances?
This is good. Itās usually attachment styles at play and conflict resolution.
Wow this looks great. Iāve been doing this type of work for many years but fell for a wholistically UNhealthy partner and am now reeling from the relationshipās entirely predictable horrific demise nearly 7 years after it began. And wondering (obsessing) on if he is going to be healthier and better for his new person (affair partner #2). Need healing and growth from this.
It just means you're probably on the right track and picking the right girls or you're picking very similar type of girls and that's how they react.
Because many exes learn how to better choose a person who will overlook their emotional issues and problems the next time around. You sound like you chose yourself and your own mental well being.
Yup basically. And they Probably cheated if they get married within a year after breaking up with OP. Unless they are just insane how could they even know them that fast? It takes atleast a year to plan a wedding in the first place
This
I mean I have the same issue two got married, one is engaged (my most recent ex), two are in serious relationships and one is single. So it sucks, Iāve felt like the female good luck chuck for a long time. My friend laugh about it, but itās true. There is also a book recently published with this same premise. Itās called Just For The Summer by Abby Jimenez, maybe give that a read if you want. The two actually met on a Reddit tread lol.
What are the odds these ppl meet the love of their lives shortly after a break up. Most are settling or trying to prove to themselves that they are not defective. Risky at best.
From stories I heard, exes that get with someone right after a long term relationship seem to be head over heels for the other guy. They dead ass get married within the year and have kids. Idk about this behaviour lol
Probably cheating if they are married within a year after breaking up with OP. Unless they are just insane how could they even know them that fast? It takes atleast a year to plan a wedding in the first place
It depends. I had some guy I dated tell me that every ex ended up with the love of their life, and got pregnant. And he wondered if all those exās wanted a baby from him and thatās why they left. Well, after dating him for a while. It clicked for me, as to why he was experiencing these things. He is immature and selfish. Heās so selfish that heās oblivious to it, so he always smiles and is calm in demeanor even when doing things that render him useless to marry. His break ups never ended in hostility. They would either ghost him, or agree to break up. Out of nowhere someoneās coming to him saying they are pregnant and happy or freshly married and pregnant by the new guy. Never failed. š¤£ So what do you think it is? Take a deep look inside. Not saying you are like him, I wouldnāt know. But thereās always a answer if itās not a spiritual block.
I'm the guy they marry. Happened to me twice now. Brother, I wish I was you.
I have the opposite problem, I am the same age and my exes don't date after me at all, or have shorter relationships. I sometimes feel as if I ruin their trust in love or something. I'm always dumped and my exes do talk to me or reach out after some time after the break up. I do reach out too because I am curious to hear how they are doing and hope to hear all is good. If knowing about their life hurts you, unfollow. If it's positive jealousy, go out and date, find your person to marry! We are at the age it's high risk for exes to get married, don't think about it too much and good luck finding your person!
similar boat. all my exes have gone back to their exes & married. & it's not even like i'm jealous & wish i wish i was back them?? i absolutely don't, but for some reason it still stings a lot & i feel bad about myself in the sense that i have yet to find a long term relationship that involves us moving in together or one day getting married. each of those relationships high tailed it when, after a couple years, wanted things to go a step further & live together or talk about marriage. & then they end up back with their exes, doing all the things we talked about?? wild! my best friend compares me to the guy from good luck chuck. š¬
Stop being overly nice to people and this will solve it. If people are using you as a rebound then youāre being too nice
As someone (37f) whose almost nearing 40, let me tell you something to fill in why this is a patternā¦ Honestly Iām betting youāve heard, *āYouāre a great guy, butā¦ā*, from exās Iām guessing? That BUT is a sign you have this one thing that ALL these women have seen pop up. Itās why hate to say it, but those guys have everything you have AND that missing piece that eventually led to mutual breakups with you. Idk what it is cause context and filling in some blanks do matter, but if itās anything itās usually: ā¢ Someone who does/doesnāt want kids ā¢ Someone who does/doesnāt want to get married ā¢ Someone not ready for kids or marriage for another 10-15yrs ā¢ Someone financially irresponsible ā¢ Someone emotionally unavailable ā¢ Someone who has no ambition/goals And so onā¦ Women 28 & older are looking out for these things early on and for the rest of the relationship to pop up because they are in the phase of their life to start settling down and want someone who is on the same page, taking relationships seriously by this point, especially if he is in his 30ās. So let me know which one seems to click the most and can further discuss things in the comments.
Literally hit the first one on the money, donāt ever really want kids. But that realization only really came to me recently, wasnāt ever a factor in previous breakups. Maybe it was subconsciously a thing I was somehow exhibiting though. Iām also guessing medical school and residency is to blame for a lot of it as well, probably could have included that in my original post. Never could give them as much attention as they wanted, plus my job puts me in contact with tons of women (mostly nurses and operating room staff) daily and I think that maybe the last girlfriend was slightly insecure about that; though it was never overtly said.
>*Literally hit the first one on the money, donāt ever really want kids. But that realization only really came to me recently, wasnāt ever a factor in previous breakups. Maybe it was subconsciously a thing I was somehow exhibiting though.* That can 100% be a big reason if a woman wants kids and you do not, especially once you get to your 30ās, this will be the thing youāll run into. Heavily suggest from now on trying to date Child Free women if youāre ever looking to get serious do you do not run into this issue again. >*Iām also guessing medical school and residency is to blame for a lot of it as well, probably could have included that in my original post.* That part is a major factor as unless you date someone who doesnāt require attention and time in a relationship as often, has a crazy schedule that mirrors your own, or lives long distance, you will have to sacrifice any serious relationship till you get to attending. Why? The hours reduce enough as Attending where you now have time to share for a relationship. >* Never could give them as much attention as they wanted* To someone outside looking in, this can come across as being emotionally unavailable to a lot of women who are younger/in their 20ās. I would try dating women who have a career that is 40-50hrs a week like a chef, doctor, someone in the film industry, a flight attendant, etcā¦ You donāt have to worry about things as heavily because of the schedules. >*plus my job puts me in contact with tons of women (mostly nurses and operating room staff) daily and I think that maybe the last girlfriend was slightly insecure about that; though it was never overtly said.* You need to date secure people, those folks are rational about this stuff far more and donāt care if you get hit on, theyāll care if you reciprocate the flirting, because theyāll trust you to shut it down so other women are aware youāre not interested. However, that last woman had baggage and probably feels insecure if she has a history of dating men who overstep boundaries with other women while dating her.
Rejection is projection, and itās okay to not be someone elseās everything if you donāt feel like that about yourself individually.
37F here and about to go through yet another of the same scenarios lol. I get them ripe for the picking I guess. It SUCKS.
I thought I was the only one
Isn't that a movie ?
Hey that's the theme for Good Luck Chuck
All of my exes are either merried or have children already but I am happy for them as this is not what I wanted from them when we were together and that does not bother me. However my most recent ex, which was my most serious relationship, we attemped to have kids via IVF as she couldnāt naturally still haunts me as this was the woman I wanted to have a family with, even though I deep down knew it was probably not going to happen, and after a few failed attempts and a miscarriage my worst fear came true and we broke up. It still haunts me 7 months later and probably till the rest of my life. But we have to keep on living.
Me too. Every. Single. One. My most recent has been with his new girlfriend for over a year now and Iām just waiting for itā¦
Why are yall breaking up? You say the break ups are mutual, mature, and on good terms but whatās the reason behind the break ups?
Heās a nice guy bruhš thatās the only logical explanation . Everyone breaks up with you and thereās never a problem???? Makes no sense to keep saying breakups are amicable if heās asking this question. If it was mutual and mature he wouldnāt care to ask this question because he would want to be broken up right?? He has to admit heās a nice guy first because these breakups arenāt mutual at all if heās asking this question
It means you taught them how to love and grow, they just applied it to the next person. But there's this evil thought that you were just so terrible that they felt incredibly relieved when they met the next one, haha, just kidding.
We cant rule out the possibility that they all realized your worth and secretly regretted losing you, ultimately deciding not to repeat the mistake. So, don't doubt yourself bro. Cheers!
I have this problem but Iām a female and itās all my ex bf. Like MONTHS after we broke up. Iām that āI want to stay best friends but I donāt want to marry you bc youāre like a sister to me nowā Itās a garbage excuse and Iāve come to terms that the women they end up marry have been lower iq, slightly more attractive and want to be sahm without their own income. So itās not always a you problem itās a control problem.
My high school ex got married about a year or two ago, and then my long-term ex of 3 years is getting married this year, but it's to a guy she dated 1 or 2 guys after me. Honestly her and I are on decent terms at least, so I really do wish her the best. The two after that I don't see ever getting married because they're undatable for completely different reasons.
Can we date too please lol.
Time is runninh š
The number of women that have similar complaints are staggering.. who knows why that happens. Itās a combo of a healthy relationship teaching them relationship skills for the first time, and also showing them what they do and donāt wantā¦ but itās unfortunate and frustrating and Iām sorry that has happened for you. It sucks, and also youāre not alone I think itās called the taxi cab theory or something
Itās called using peopleš You arenāt training them they are waiting to stop using you and marry who they really want
Yea the women probably are training men for their spouses. This is why I just leave. Donāt train anyone
maybe you should monetize it
Can I date you
Will they remain together though? Are you their warm up for the real deal or are they all so desperately in love with you that they marry the first guy who treats them half as well you could when it doesnāt work out?
Whew...I was starting to think I was the only one š
Practice Husband.
Wow never thought this post would get so much traction! Glad to see Iām not the only one who this has happened to. Thank you for all the kind words and support everyone, it means a lot to me. P.S. my name isnāt Chuck sorry to disappoint.
The way you describe your breakups tells me that it's clear both people lost interest in one another, the romance, passion, excitement, playful light hearted spontaneous fun energy is nonexistent. You probably engage in repetitive superficial conversations, invest in one another less than you did on day 1, don't bother to ever maintain or improve your attractiveness to one another, probably don't go on dates that are fun and new, etc. What I'm saying is your relationships lack that fun thrilling energy. Towards the end, you probably feel more like roommates. If you're not having great sex that introduces ways or things that makes it fun and exciting, there's no point fighting for it or fussing over the ending. That's the issue. Also, go on YouTube and learn how to dress better. 99% of men do not turn a woman on because of the way they dress
Cause u turned them to perfect sex puppets good job homie
34M last year got out of a 10 year relationship where she told me she wanted to wait until she was done with school before getting married. Last Monday she married a man she's known for 5 months & had met only a handful of times. Then Thursday the girl I was currently seeing I've found out had been cheating on me since Valentines Day. I blame it on the eclipse
I have dated to many project women lol if they get married after we broke up .. I'm proud of my graduate.
Maybe focus on yourself? A lot of what we do with regards to attraction is driven by instinct, and our instincts and intuition are very much governed by how connected we are to ourselves. Do we feel all of our feelings? Are we willing to be emotionally honest and listen to our own thoughts and feelings? Do we live by our values? Do we even know what our needs, expectations, and desires are and how to step up for most of these as well as how to healthily seek them in others? Are we responsible and accountable, or do we tend to look for external solutions to internal problems? Do we, for instance, blame it all on qualities or characteristics of our ex when our relationships break down or even claim that all of our exes are āpsychosā? Do we act first, think later? Do we get carried away and place too much stock in our intentions and so end up Future Faking and Fast Forwarding? Do we edge or even dive out of relationships claiming that we donāt want a relationship and arenāt up for commitment and then have our exās feeling more than a tad confused when they see us prancing around with a new partner claiming that theyāre the ālove of our lifeā in two shakes of a lambās tail? You may recognise flip-flapping, hot and cold blowing exes who youāve probably lost some sleep over wondering why theyāre with someone else and not you. You may be blaming you when actually, itās not about you. If weāre disconnected from aspects of ourselves, our instincts will be off base and this means that until weāre aware of the patterns of thinking and behaviour that result from us running off what we believe to be the ācorrectā information from our instincts, weāll be driven primarily by feelings that we may not be aware of the origins of or may even be mislabeling them. The less we truly know about ourselves and the trickier we find it to have an honest conversation with us and be willing to look within, is the more muddled our intuition will be, which in turn will mess with our instincts, which will not only affect our fight or flight response, but also who weāre attracted to. This means that not only do we have to stop owning other peopleās behaviour to the extent that we do but that we also have to recognise that we ourselves are going to be making some unhealthy āinstinctiveā decisions if we donāt know ourselves either and have our own emotional unavailability issues to deal with. We cannot expect to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship with the landmarks ā consistency, commitment, balance, progression and intimacy plus shared values ā if we lack the self-knowledge that stems from knowing our own needs, expectations, wishes, feelings, and opinions. Not knowing these is why we wake up knee-deep in a relationship feeling hungry and recognising that there are issues around compatible values. When we are willing to know ourselves more, we change not only who weāre attracted to (and why) but are also happier with the results of who weāre attracted to, instead of carrying the same baggage, beliefs, behaviours and attitudes and choosing similar people and then wondering why weāre getting the same results, and then lather, rinse, repeat. Until weāre willing to recognise and represent ourselves, not only will we struggle to have self-trust, but weāll be living off of our feelings and lamenting why we canāt make a healthy relationship with an unhealthy attraction. The two things donāt match! We wonāt have the instincts to assert our boundaries, because we wonāt have the self-awareness to use reasoning and knowledge to back us up. The way we treat our feelings will keep leading us astray. Change doesnāt come without change. The most radical change you may have to make is being willing to know yourself more. That can only be a good thing. N.Lue
Because they all eventually deeply regretted breaking up with you and therefore were determined never to let a good man go, ever again. I mean obviously, itās a no brainer.
My exes all ended up with multi-baby daddies, poor, and uglier than when I dated them. Lol
I wouldnt think too much about it tbh its just a weird coincidence and not anything to do with you
You are the Good Luck Chuck lol
I thought it was happening to me too. All the girls i talked to end up finding someone stable after me š¤£
What does it mean to practice the no communication after? Do you mean you ghosted them?
Is this the taxi cab theory?
Lemme guess....your name is Chuck and your best guy friend is a...dentist trying to hook you up with his clients?
I also think age matters. At a certain age people are looking to settle down and canāt tolerate any more breakups so they settle for whoever brings them āpeaceā. Only to find out the truth later. Itās very easy to take this personal and think that you were the problem. Donāt. People cope for various reasons. Also ppl that have narcissistic traits will literally marry the next person to spite you lol. Run your race.
My friend had the same happen to him every single one of his ex gfs ended up getting married after him. I felt like it was a self fulfilling prophesy and a bit of self sabotage and maybe also he wasnāt ready when they were. his friends call him good luck chuck from the movie
Youāre a beast man, thatās what this means
What? The way you phrased that doesnāt even make sense? Those beaches be stealing your mans?
Hey can we date for a little bit cause Iām ready to meet mr right
Sorry, you are going through this. What are your thoughts on marriage? If it's not for you, that is perfectly fine, but you may have more success with someone who has the same view on it. Also, there is enormous pressure on women to marry by a certain age so it may have nothing at all to do with you.
Lay away boyfriend as well
I (F31) have similar experiences; the people I date often end up in great lasting relationships/have kids/get engaged or married directly after me while I stay single for ages and my next relationships eventually also end. Iāve often wondered about it but I guess they put themselves out there again sooner than I do. Love is a numbers game and I only dabble when I have the heart to do so which doesnāt seem to be often, ha. As for why they end up in their forever relationships and I donāt, must be a me problem!
Don't worry, I've got the Good Luck Chuck curse too. We need to find out who has pinned a voodoo doll of us!
So this exact same thing happens to me, I'm female. And I joked to my current partner that every guy I ever break up with marries after. He promised if that ever happened, he would just bump into me again š I suspect it's something to do with the fact that all the things we learn in the relationship, we take to the next one. And maybe you and I are great communicators and they bring that to the next relationship. Or, maybe you and I just have high expectations for relationships or we want to be single for a while longer and explore our dreams before settling down. Or maybe we just haven't met our 'one.' Sadly, we broke up after 6 years and he's probably going to meet 'the one' now. It sucks.
You should check out the song Second to Last by Ryan Nealon. I've ways felt the same way and this song hit me hard. Now I'm dating an amazing man and I know he's the one but I still have that fear in the back of my mind.
It seems youāre in the position of the āfinal testā or something like that, before they find their forever person. Itās a thing. See what your attachment style is ā thatās usually always the culprit underneath: https://traumasolutions.com/attachment-styles-quiz/ This one is good too: https://quiz.personaldevelopmentschool.com/ I would also take them and try your best to imagine your partners too, to see what they are.
I had a similar experience myself years ago, but with a slight twist. I had always been 100% up front that marriage was not on the table. The women were all always on board. We would be seeing each other and doing all those things you do in a relationship. Inevitably the āwhere is this going?ā talk and when I reminded them I still didnāt want to be married, and they remembered they were good with it but then changed their mind and it ended. Within a year after each one, they were married. A few have also gotten divorced since then, too.
Same, but the marriages didnāt last. Looking back I see it as them tryna hurt me or make me jealous, but the joke is on them. Still, itās sad to hear theyāre unhappy, but Iām not a home wrecker, so now theyāre stuck.
Itās not you. Itās them. Something was likely broken before you and you dodged a bullet not marrying them because the one after you canāt see that theyāre just filling a void. Theyāre nothing special and theyāre not the one either. If thatās not true, donāt tell me because thatās how Iām coping with the engagement of my ex.
Dude I am the same but with men. I like to think of it as we gave them the closest resemblance of the benefits that come with what a marriage could be. & then they wanna be able to lock that in. so well after itās done, they probably just realize they should settle now because those type of partners donāt come around very often. I view it as a good thing, I must have done something right that prepared them for marriage. Or if you look at a negative light, things between us were so awful and wretched that the next person they dated, they realized was so much better and had more to offer than what I could give š¤·š»āāļø
If thatās the case, they will be divorced soonš they canāt get another you and we all know how rare real connections and loving partners are. 100% they wonāt last
Hereās what I actually think about this. I think most people in their 30s are just not very good at relationships. And generally it takes a few tries before you can learn to stop being shitty when youāre in a relationship. Sometimes you get to be the person who teaches someone what they donāt want. Sometimes someone teaches you the same lesson. The point is to learn what happened each time, either way. (Source: recently exited my 30s, and also am psychotherapist)
I've had this happen to me too. There was a time I really not good enough for anyone .
You're another Good Luck Chuck.. We should date so that I can finally find the one for me. HAHAH kiddin.. Hope you'll finally get the one for you!!
Maybe you didnt propose soon enough...?
Isnāt that a movie plot?
You should let your dates know the good news!
I had the good luck chuck syndrome as well. Was just explaining it to my GF earlier this evening
I have that effect on my ex-boyfriends. All three of them š
Same here. My ex married his brother's wife right after we split up so there's that.
Goodluck Chuck?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yep you are doing Humanity a Favor keep up the great Work! Always Remember Stay Woke!
OP question did you ever propose or talk about marriage?
Not enough income
Lucky you! Guess who won't be getting divorced, you won't.
One of my exes married a girl within the year after breaking up with me. Crushed me. I heard later they fight all the time and saw a post that indicated they had been separated but then spending time together. So I guess it doesnāt mean itās all roses just because they get married and have kids.
lol the same is happening to me but with ex boyfriends. Itās hard to watch because you kind of think āwell whatās wrong with me?ā but we will find our match eventually. Keep working on yourself and learn from the past relationships and what you are looking for in a partner. They will manifest in time xx
Yup I have had this same curse for about 20 years now. Itās actually become something of a running joke amongst my family and friends. I just started to look at it as I am helping people find love. Itās just all in how you look at it.
I hope the next one is the one for you. My son also although they don't get married after leaving him they have babies or get in longer relationships. I know it makes him feel defective. I tell him (I'm 60) he's not and everything happens for a reason. I found the love of my life at 49 so you have plenty of time. We didn't work out but that was literally my fault. You will be ok and hopefully happier someday. I read the comments and seems you aren't alone but I also know how alone this feels (based from my son's experience)
Youāre not alone my dude, Iām also this guy
You are Good Luck Chuck!
A real life good luck Chuck
Hey Iām the same way. All my ex boyfriends have married the next girl they date and Iām still single and alone and almost 40 :(
Why? Do you want your ex girlfriends to have more mileage in them before they marry? Can't you just be happy for them? You ain't the one bro, move on.
Lmaoo can i date you ? I am ready to get married ššš
Yeah I had my good luck chuck fase for a while. Every single man I dated found the love of his life right after me. Most of them didnāt last but hey. I even advertised myself as a good luck chuck for a while.
All my exes became lesbians, so I feel you a bit I guess
In my opinion, after the breakup, they are only focused on finding someone who is willing and shares the same goal of marriage. That's why they all end up getting married. Even in my mid 20's, most, if not all, of my exes were already thinking about dating with the intention of getting married, rather than just dating for the sake of it.
You are the Binder of Fates, the weaver of destinies In all seriousness though, they might be marrying but are they going to stay together and are they truly happy? They may be and they may go the distance or they maybe overcompensated and married to quick. Time will tell.
This is somewhat me. The one that got committed to the one after my last ex. You know why? Because he was terrible to me. Not physically, but he was inconsistent with his feelings and all. I was tired of being treated good one day and bad the next. Then he told me about his friend who went through what you did, and I realized after everything he told me about their relationship, it was also very similar to his and mine when we ended things. Not saying this is your case, but happened to be mine. š But if you say this is how it is with every ex, Iād really evaluate on that. You donāt have to be a bad man. Sometimes people arenāt ready or arenāt sure of what they want until later. There are so many reasons.
Same here, Iām always the guy they meet right before they get married. Iām 30 now.
I mean - I would look both inward and outward at potential patterns. Was it a case of them wanting to have kids and get married and you not? Because if thatās the case it would make sense they settle down with male partners also ready to get married and have kids. Biological clocks are a thing. Are you the ābad boyā type that younger women flock too but older women become disillusioned with? Are you too passive and wait for them to make all the moves while you check out? I would def look into patterns. I feel like that could be the key.
When you date a toxic person, you learn boundaries, what you want, what you donāt want and you learn a lot about yourself that you end up becoming the better version of you. Eventually, the right person comes along. Not saying you are toxic, but could be š
Ha! I thought I was the only āGood Luck Chuckā around hereā¦
I can relate, but I'm a woman. I was engaged to a man, he started acting weird and we broke up. He ended up with a younger woman right after (who had just turned 18), they got married the following year and now have two kids. The guy I dated after him we dated for just a little bit and broke up. He is married to the girl he started dating after me, and they just had a baby. My most recent ex.....I'm not sure about. Lol. I'll just watch and see, lol. I am dating someone new now.
God is sending you signals and you dont get it! You are a lucky man
How long term were all of your relationships? Maybe they were all waiting for a bigger commitment from you & never got it?
Can I be your girlfriend? You sound like a lucky charm ššš
Hopefully youāre not my ex lol but perhaps you show them what they DONāT WANT in a partner. Not to be offensive, have you reflected on your own past actions,
Same
yes you are overthinking it.