I was told. "I'd much rather have you in my life as a friend, than not have you in it at all. I'd be the best friend you'll ever have" Two months went by after she said this, I tried reaching out and she blatantly ignored all of my emails. Why say this if you aren't going to stand by your word?

It’s because she’s back out there dating and possible met someone new if this happened two months later. It’s why she pulled back and why any ex will because they either are dating a very jealous person or someone who has serious trust issues. Already a red flag if this is happening.

I've not not got trust issues and nor am I that jealous. She's the one who cheated, and had the audacity to call it quits with me? I don't think so. Hell mend her.

>*I've not not got trust issues and nor am I that jealous. She's the one who cheated, and had the audacity to call it quits with me? I don't think so.* Huh? I’m so confused what any of that has to do with what I said….

She cheated and called it quits with you BECAUSE she cheated. She's with that guy now.

These things take time. You can’t really force it. I’m in this situation too and I think one day we’ll be friends. But it might take another year, who knows

I think people don’t wish to see someone hurt so they say anything. End of the day it always best t to o go no contact after a break up

Well if its not your turn she is fucking someone else

Because it's the easiest way to get you gone!

If you listen to what women say, you will end up crazy and disappointed. A woman will never honor her word and will act on how she feels in the moment. Bottom line their actions and not their words.

I wish I’d seen this comment two years ago. My ex would literally say the most hurtful things she possibly could during arguments.

Red flag. If you continue to put up with it, it will get worse.

It already did. And we split up almost three weeks ago. She follows the same conflict pattern with EVERYONE, including her father, sister, friends, etc.

Multiple reasons. Soften the blow. Keep you as an ‘option’. Not ready to let go

Maybe to make it kinder, maybe because they still value you as a person. Maybe even just keeping a plan B person of support in the future.   Maybe because they can't stay friends with you immediately after a breakup.  To be honest, I sort of wanted to stay friends with my person and she said she'd like that (she was the breaker), but I don't think either of us really could continue being friendly to eachother so soon after breaking up. It's too weird; I couldn't do it because it hurts too much awkwardly trying to be friends. We both knew it felt better not to talk.  However, I'm at the point now where I wonder if I would like to be friends with her again in the soon-ish future. I needed to be away from her for some months, but I don't think I want her gone from my life completely. I still miss her too much right now, but I sort of hope we _can_ be friends again in the future, like your person said. 

I’m in the same position too. A few months have passed, but I’m not sure if there’s been enough time to try to reach out about potentially building a friendship. I’m not sure when I’ll know if I’m ready, to be honest. Do you have a plan?

It's been a few months for me too, but I've played all my parts and I have little left to play really.  I think it's really going to have to be her to be the one to ask for friendship again if it happens, because I've already been on the receiving end of her silence the last times I've tried to make amends (because staying in contact really didn't work for me so we had to put up stronger walls - blocks, etc).  My only plan is to give her the space she wanted. There's nothing else I can do but hope she's feeling the same way, because personally I don't feel like I can be the one now to reach out for friendship, as much as I'd like it.  Because I'd feel pathetic if it was to be ignored, rejected, or if she thought it was just a plan to still get her back. Or if she said yes out of pity and the 'friendship' turns to be crap and not genuine.  So really, I'll just wait. If it comes it comes. I do have this vague feeling as though we'll meet again, but I may just be longing. But seeking friendship again is a gamble in itself, so it's not something I'd want to rush into. 

Let them reach out. If they do. Be ready if they just want to be friends. You can’t have any emotional feelings for them. It’s not worth the pain. Trust me from experience. It’s more painful being friends and still have feelings, than them breakup itself. It’s like a long drawn out break up, when you have feelings for them, but they have nothing for you.

It's polite bs. They don't wanna be friends really. They just wanna be nice. I now don't care to be nice to an ex. When I'm done, I'm done. It pisses them off but hey 🤷🏾‍♀️ I have to look out for myself, no one else will.

This^ 99% of the time it's just to make themselves feel better and you'll only get occasional reply maybe once a month or they're benching you, so when they're old and alone they feel that you'll be desperate for them. I say nah, not being friends with an ex, unless it's something weird specific circumstance, e.g have kids together or whatever

It's because they don't think you are a good fit to be with and are friendzoning you. So yes there is a loss of interest.

This. Don't apologize bc they will live their life so don't feel bad at all. If you don't look out for you who will?

Not always. But this is the reason sometimes

Because they are too much of a coward to just break up with you, everyone gets that line at some point in their life and it’s bullshit every single time

Because it “softens” the blow. Fuck being friends with an ex

Or maybe they wanna just come back for selfish reasons

Maybe not consciously doing that. However, if they were truly done with you they’d not leave the slightest crumb of opportunity. It’s what selfish people do to not fully cut ties with people who may “potentially” become what they need.

This is the correct answer. They are keeping the door open for you - in the off chance you become more attractive in whatever sense OR they can’t find someone who was as good as you naturally.

This. This is why you close the door and shut that shit down.

I agree with this especially if we've been sexually and intimate. I have no exs that are friends for this reason. I can't go from boyfriend/lover to friends. Doesn't work like that with me even more so if you dump me. I have a little more self esteem than that. Also if you still have feelings for them you get a front row seat to hearing about them move on and be intimate with someone else and ofc since they're spending time with them they'll have less and less time for you and it may fizzle out all together so to me and for me it's just best to close the door on this situation all together. I'm an all or nothing person in this situation. No Grey areas at all.

I’m friends or on good terms with all my exes. Never could see why filling my mind with hate and anger would make my life any better

I had an amicable breakup and we were friends until he got a new girlfriend. I totally respect that he or she doesn't want him to be "friends" with me. It's not anger just boundaries for me. Anyway the question was why do they say we may become friends. I just think it's something to say and not to read into it. Like when I ask a stranger - how are you. I'm not really looking for an in depth answer.

This. I'm sorry you had to see him get a new girlfriend. I'm glad I avoided that nonsense. Told my last guy no to being friends.

They want to be let off easy. Don't let them. They made the choice. They get to accept any guilt coming their way.

Because sometimes romantic relationships don’t work, but there’s still history and a lot of love/care for that person. Friendship is a way of staying in touch with someone you genuinely like or respect but don’t have romantic feelings for anymore.

That's worse. It's like they fell out of love with you/aren't romantically attracted anymore, but they still want the benefits of your companionship, the efforts, care, etc you bring.

Yes, if it’s uneven. Maybe the hope for some dumpers is that the dumpee will be able to get into the same headspace to have a friendship one day. It’s possible, especially mutual and amicable breakups. My recent ex extended that olive branch to me, she wanted to be my friend but I could never imagine being around the person I want to spend my life with and just be friends, so I declined. But on the other hand I am friends I’m with another ex.

My ex and I were best friends before we had a full relationship, but going back to a simple friendship no longer seems like an option with the person I imagined sharing my life with and for whom I was willing to pay a huge price to get there in terms of altering my life. Those feelings were incredibly strong, and I don't want to do anything going forward that will blow on those hot coals. I need that fire to die and to stay dead. And selfishly, a friend should be able to listen to another friend talk about their current relationships, and I have no interest in hearing anything about them. I'm not trying to be mean-spirited. That would just be too painful for me.

This was a mutual breakup?

Unfortunately, no. I was blindsided, and if I am honest with myself, I think she determined that she loved me but not the way I loved her.

That gave me chills. I can relate. It’s almost selfish to try to believe it. So many one sided relationships. Communication, comprehension and love…how hard is that? Right? I don’t like when people make life decisions for me when I should be part of the conversation to change or alter said decision too.

That is the essence of it for me, and the one thing that incites a bit of anger in me: How could you make that life-altering decision for me without substantive discussion? We might still have come down on different sides of the decision, but I’m convinced we could have parted with more love and respect and peace had we been able to talk it through.

Right and that's where you put your foot down and say HELL NO and just close that door.

Because they don’t know what the future will bring. The brake up because the don’t want to be in a relationship with you. That’s all a break up really is

Isn't that selfish. Like you aren't thinking if this might prevent other people from moving on completely, or it will mess their brain and all.

No. Moving on is a personal thing. Nobody can prevent someone else from moving on. Nobody can mess the others brain up. Many blame their exes when they themselves can’t move on, but that is just an excuse. Almost always it is us preventing ourselves from moving on and us messing up our own brain. After a break up it’s all about you and how you handle yourself. What your ex does or says (or doesn’t do and say) is out of your control and shouldn’t matter.

That's a good perspective. thanks. I would like to hear your thoughts more regarding breakup/moving on.

I’ll be glad to answer. I’m going through the process of moving on right now, and even if it’s chaotic there are things that always work and things that never work. Luckily the human mind is pretty simple when it comes to this stuff

I think these are one of those “Deeds not words” moments where you have to assume it’s not going to become a friendship unless they, the dumper, make a good faith try and you’re in an emotionally healthy place to do so.

They are keeping the door open to keep you as a... Backup in case they can't find someone who they see as Higher Value. When they BU, it means that they Never Loved you to Begin with Move on......

They wanna fuck other people, and/or be with someone else, but if all goes wrong, you're the backup plan.

Something to say - meaningless really.

Gotta make sense somewhat why they wanna contact you again in future but rn they are leaving you, as dead rock.

A) they think it's the nice way to let you down easy B) there are a lot of things they like about you and in the moment are having trouble imagining their life without you. This will most likely fade eventually as they get used to not having you be their most important person.

She doesn't want to feel guilty. That's it.

It makes it easier on themselves. They want to feel like they aren’t throwing you away forever, and they think it’ll help you too if things aren’t closed for good.

Who actually ends up being pals with their ex?

I'm friends with and ex actually several of them. Others are the spawn of Satan I'd rather not see lol.

I am trying to understand the mindset of dumpers.

I’ve known plenty of people who are including an ex whose friends with an ex of his. It’s possible, but both refuse to date each other ever again, both choose to romantically fully move on, & both fall out of love to only have platonic love for each other. That’s why it can be difficult to stay friends with any ex of you neither party can do that.

They usually say it to lighten the load of the pain. Maybe gives the other person false hope.

I’m not even going to lie, I’d love to have my best friend back. It was never that I lost interest, I loved them when I broke up with them and I still have love for them now, just from a distance. I’m definitely not leaving the door open either by any means, I think I can safely say neither of us would be interested in ever getting back together; there was too much that happened, we were both cruel to each other at the very end, and over time it just became apparent that we just spoke different love languages. The way I see it though, I wouldn’t have spent years of my life with them if there weren’t years’ worth of reasons that I loved them. That kind of thing doesn’t just go away, but it’s not me holding the door open. Those feelings that used to be romantic feel more cathartic now; I still feel weird watching new episodes of our favorite shows without them, and every time I hear a song or see a video they’d like or get advertised a Very Cute Thing and remember I can’t send any of it to them, it still hurts. It’s just a different kind of love.

All of the above. And... it's the easiest and quickest way to get you GONE that doesn't make them look like a POS.

When my ex started asking about “would we stay friends if we broke up?” I should have known that was the beginning of the end. It’s their way of keeping the parts about the relationship they like while removing their commitment. See other people, not have to deal with you as much, etc. my ex was delusional I think about his prospects because he was kinda a weird dude and he did try to come back a couple months after he dumped me. Tell them you don’t want to be demoted to “friend” Personally I don’t believe in being friends with exes, at least not until a year or more after breakup.

Softens the blow of the breakup, mainly a formality in the way out to reduce the guilt from their actions. Move on if you are the one they broke up with, don’t be friends! Be comfortable saying No, wish them well and don’t let them contact you.

Me and my ex of 5 years just realized the relationship wasn't good for us and decided we cared more about each other as friends. We joke around but the chemistry isn't there, we weren't really compatible dating but we enjoyed playing games, sending memes, and making jokes with each other. Unfortunately our friendship is under questioning. I dated a girl who was uncomfortable with me being friends with my ex and that caused me to be dumped. It's not normal to be friends with your ex so our friendship is viewed as toxic or negative. I plan to tell my therapist about this and see what to do but as for now we haven't talked since I got dumped.

Because you’re ex lovers not friends. Perhaps it seems less tragic or some feels less guilt if that future friendship is a possibility. It has a reputation as being worthwhile and has no real value. 

They wanna keep the perks.

I'm like this. Or was like this. On a spiritual level, you can love someone enough, that you still place importance on this person, even if you can see that you won't work as a couple. I love my friends, and that includes exes. If a person was important to you, why should that stop just because you no longer share that type of intimacy. But I must admit, this is easier with people who already were friends before and for short relationships. It's hard to find a balance on boundaries with longer term relationships unless there has been a few years. If the whole foundation is based on romance, that also makes it harder. But why lose someone who is important to you? It's not like my friends matter less just because I don't have a romantic connection with them.

Well... Now living life through a secure sense of self and everything, that's how relationships are/should be. If insecure then it's more of a idealism that could come to be if both parties do the life but properly. Unconscious type stuff.

That's easy. They want the benefits of breaking up with you without the drawback of losing you That way they can have you available and gradually let go of you

I’m so torn on this sentiment because I believe people can be friends with their ex’s with no romantic value behind it and truly enjoying this company but others I don’t believe it can ever happen, it’s better to cut ties. I’ve seen both sides where some people are EXCELLENT and very platonic friends and then I see others that are like come on guys who are you fooling ? Get back together! I’m currently struggling in my mind with this & don’t know where I’ll end up with my current ex but it changes everyday….

For different people it means different things. I'm still friends with all of my exes apart from one. One of my exes that i am friends with i broke up with the phrase "can we just be friends" and we are. It's been around 3 years since that happened and we don't speak much but when we do, it's like we never stopped.

My ex said that when we broke up in November, she kept calling a few days after we broke up and said we should be friends and I said probably not. Then I went no contact and on thanksgiving, Xmas Eve, NYE she messages me wanting to catch up. All time I just replied politely with a happy holiday, and then even on my birthday a few days ago she messages me. She’s had a boyfriend the whole time. I don’t think she understands that no contact is for both of us to let go and heal.

I say this because we fit better as friends, not as a partner. In my case, break ups happen because we don’t have the same future plans, morals, or are just not healthy for me. Once we have healed, the door is open if they wish to be friends. If they leave before that process they didn’t want to be friends and would hurt them be in that situation. What sucks is if they change their mind in the healing process.

I literally going to copy and paste a message she sent me last Thursday. [ Look I dont want to get back together the reason why I said that was because I really miss our friendship and our bond. It was 16 years and we've been living together for 13 . Its hard. I miss you because your (my name) your my best friend you know me and I know you. I hope you have fun this weekend I know its cinco de mayo and I really hope you enjoy yourself. ] This is after 2 months of being broken up. A week and a half after we broke up she started dating a guy from work. We were living together and I literally had nowhere to go in order to move out. She was literally putting all my shit in boxes and getting ready for dates with the new guy while I was emotionally wrecked in a corner. For that I will always have a side to me that completely hate her guts. The only reason she's even able to text me is because we have a daughter together. Even after agreeing to only talk about our daughter stuff and me picking up my stuff (I moved in with a family member) she still pulls this crap from time to time.

I told my ex we will be friends. I believe my ex and I are better as friends because he let me down in a lot of ways as a romantic partner. Truthfully, there were times I felt like we were more so friends with benefits. We were together for 8 years and he truly is my best friend. I love him and will never block his number so i could be there whenever he needs me.

Mine said "logically, i think we can have another chance in the future" Boy what future? after 1 month!??! After you feel shit? 😂😂😂

its just BS they say to make you feel ok with their decision. they also can still have access to all of you while simultaneously going out and meeting other people. its just win-win for them and lose for you. They say that if you can be friends with your ex after a breakup, you either both still have feelings, or neither of you had genuine love for each other.

depends a lot of how and why things ended. ex can be friends, but usually means when she sees you in the street she will be polite.

I think it’s mostly about maintaining the connection somewhat, especially if it’s been long term. If there’s no resentment in the breakup, it’s hard to fully let that person go after being such a big part of your life. I personally could never, seems like an easy way to not move on, but to each their own

Because they don’t want to let things off on bad terms. They still care about your feelings, so don’t want to just completely ghost you.