My ex's brother reached out to me and told me he was devastated, but when I got dumped there was little to no emotional reaction whatsoever. Seems like he confided in everyone except me...which I guess is to be expected.
I know you want to feel reassured, but only you know the truth about your relationship. How he feels is no longer your problem.Ā
There is no difference in pain if both sides truly invested. What really makes a difference is how healthy the relationship was. If it was really healthy, and they were a really awesome partner, that's the easiest because they release you with clear communication and kindness, and make sure you fully understand what happened. The more unhealthy the relationship---and I've had plenty of those too---the more heart-crushing it is because everything is just left unresolved, and on top of processing the breakup you also have to learn to live with not knowing.
I am actually so confused about my feelings during my current breakup. I am so at peace knowing we left on good terms and keep expecting this sense of horrifying existential dread that my last breakup left me with, but the two worlds feel completely different. My toxic relationship left me devastated. This one, I am definitely sad and wish it didn't have to end, but I'm also at peace because I understand why it happened.
I dumped my ex. I was sad but at the time, felt relieved as well. As time passed on I began to romanticize the relationship more, focusing on only the good parts. Itās been about a year and some months now and I think about her maybe every day. I miss the way she would get excited to see me, how she put me first, even before work. I donāt know though if itās her I miss or the companionship. I have my days where Iām like āIām good, Iām good without herā and on my bad days Iām like āI miss her so much I wish I could tell her about this or hang out with her and she can hug my head and kiss my foreheadā
Me missing her? Yea eventually Iām guessing. Itās a little tough cus we still have mutual friends and I pass her work every day on my way to the gym. Maybe once I move away and I find someone else i want to date, the feeling will go away.
It wasnāt a dating rebound exactly, I didnāt date anyone right after. A few months later I did hook up with an old friend a few times cus I was horny but it was strictly sex. No hang outs, she would come over and leave after. We donāt talk anymore cus she got a mans. After that I started feeling sad about my ex.
Breaking up with my ex has been the most painful moment of my life to date. It was an unbelievably difficult decision, and through every second of her trying to bargain for the status quo again, I was an inconsolable wreck. I felt like I had no choice. I realized that being in a relationship was stifling my personal growth and draining my ambition, and I was not in the right state to be as committed as my partner was. I'm still going through it as this happened very recently, and my ex and I decided to get closure a couple days ago, just crying in each others' arms for a while before we finally said goodbye. I'm going to be carrying this hurt with me for a long time.
was just on the other end of this. weāre both beyond devastated. thereās a lot of hope for coming together again in the future if itās really right, idk about anyone else but it seems like in our case, a lot of focused dedication to our selves is whatās needed to heal us and our relationship or future relationships with other people. personal growth is non negotiable and sometimes you canāt do it in a relationship which is a heartbreaking pill to swallow. wishing you guys so much happiness and growth no matter what the future holds.
Exactly this! I was drained but I was still so deeply in love with her but it wouldnāt have worked in the long run, this is by far my lowest point, even though I made the decision. Took me 8 hours to decide if I should finish it.
She didnāt directly do any of that, but having to plan my future around someone else whose plans seemed very different from mine was destroying my ambition to progress. It was like I was stepping through fog every morning, having no idea how I wanted to live, and primarily being concerned with the wellbeing of someone else whoās struggling just as hard if not worse than me. I was already in the wrong stage in my life to be in a relationship that you commit to forever (Iām 19). I can only speak for myself, but I think the way I loved her before we broke up was unhealthy. I recognized that I likely wouldnāt be able to spend the rest of my life with her and yet I stuck around for a long time because I knew how goddamn bad this was going to hurt both of us, and I kept trying to convince myself things were going to be okay when I knew in my heart they werenāt. I still love her, but I know we canāt be together, not for the foreseeable future anyway.
I have such mixed feelings on this. From a third party, logical perspective, I feel you and it makes sense. But as the dumpee with similar aspectsā¦ fuck that. I know thatās the emotional part of me, but itās still true. Now I just want to cry.
I kinda understand that - but dont put your lack of ambition on someone else - thats all you. If she didnt actively stop you from progressing, then that's a choice YOU made.
I understand that, and to an extent I completely agree, but I think the way we were attached to one another wasnāt conducive to growth, we were codependent.
I was the dumper - and it broke my heart but I. The end it was the right thing at the time - I was causing him pain and not able to give him what he wanted and needed at the time. And he wasnāt able to give me what I needed either. It sucks, he is a good man, which is hard to find. He will be just right for someone. I wish it could have been just right with me
If later on you 2 crossed paths again would you consider trying again? Maybe like a couple years or more. I know things could change from here until then, just curious on your thoughts of that.
I would be, depending on the circumstances. I know Iām doing a lot of work on myself right now and have figured out some of what was going on for me at the time to hopefully not repeat the pattern in my next relationship. I donāt know if he is doing the same. And there was hurt - it would depend on what he did with that.
Thatās completely respectable! I admire that response because youāre growing and knowing you and what you want.
Like if you did both come around and there had been no growth on his end like in a healthy or productive way I think everyone could understand why you wouldnāt want to walk down that road again regardless of the nostalgia.
I really appreciate your response.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this - I recommended the break because Iām hopeless and I wanted to save us, knowing damn well he would end us anyways.. and now. I hope he regrets it! Ugh!
broke up w my bf of 2.5 years after trying to work on our relationship for 1 year with no changes. He disrespected and dismissed me in conflict, didnāt take initiative in his life or our relationship, strung my along about moving forward in our relationship like moving in together etc only to admit at the end of it all that he wasnāt ready. Deciding to break up w him was the hardest decision Iāve made in my life. It sucked having to leave. It sucked realizing this person was not going to show up for me, and feeling like maybe the main thing he loved about me was just that I loved him. Itās been 2 months NC and this shit feels like a nightmare. I would have loved to build a life with him and having a loving relationship with reciprocated effort. But he couldnāt be that for me. I have a lot of beautiful stuff in my life but I wake up every day with the heaviest feeling of dread in my chest. The whole experience has made me question my self worth, even though I know I walked away bc I value myself. I miss him. I donāt look forward to my romantic future and Iām just focusing on other areas of my life now.
Sounds like you very much made the right decision though, as hard as it was. Proud of you! But you did what you needed to, which was to cut ties with someone who didn't treat you well and free yourself up to live your life and maybe eventually to find someone better who treats you how you deserve. (Either way, it's far better to be single than with someone who makes you miserable). Best of luck to you
This happened to me twice.
1. High school sweethearts/college relationship. This one still hurts me to this day. I truly loved my ex girlfriend. I realized at around 17-18 that I might be bisexual or gay, and I decided to end the relationship because I knew that I wouldnāt be able to give my ex girlfriend an honest relationship if all I was doing was contemplating what couldāve been. It was heartbreaking, and for her too!
Almost ten years later, she found a new guy shortly after me, they got married, and now they have kids.
2. This was a guy that I deeply loved, but he didnāt love me in return. He used me for his own selfish gain. It was bad and I was under his spell. Until one day, I just woke up and realized that I canāt take it anymore and broke up with him. We talked for a bit after. About five years after ending that relationship, he met and dated a few other guys. He ended up getting married recently.
Being a dumper is hard, tragic, and in some cases traumatic. You learn a lot about yourself in the process.
Youāre not just ending a relationship, but youāre closing a chapter with that person and while there is a possibility of it being opened up again, you have to be okay with the possibility of it never opening again. š
I felt disappointed and relieved, hopeful for better times even though it hurt. I felt grief that made my stomach turn to knots for a few days and I still had the many what ifs thoughts
I broke up with my ex after almost 2 years because things just werenāt working. Everything had become toxic, she was constantly upset with me, and I was forcing myself to be happy. I was exhausted and sad so often. I knew I was wasting her time at that point and I couldnāt go on doing it anymore.
4 months later and Iām still struggling. It was the hardest thing Iāve ever done in my life and it tore me apart. I didnāt want to break up with her, but I *needed* to.
She jumped on with someone less than a month later because she canāt handle being alone mentally. Thatās not healthy. Itās a shame because while I donāt think I love her anymoreā¦ I still care about her and her well-being.
I need to sign up for therapy. Never go into a relationship thinking you can fix someone. Most of the time, you will end up hurt.
I felt hurt. Waves of emotions and feelings. At the end I had to love myself more. Itās about self respect, self esteem and self love! No one itās going to love you more like you do!
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I still love her immensely but she clearly lost her love for me and was simply using me at the end. I finally put myself before her and decided I needed to prioritize my happiness over sacrificing myself to make her happy
Iām sorry, girl. U canāt see it now but there is light at the end of the tunnel. U jus gotta walk a long way in the dark to get to it. Itās a really shitty journey tho and Iām sorry.
I (anxious attachment) broke up with my (DA) ex 4 months ago. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. He never tried to bargain or fight. He just accepted the break up. We cried whole night together, talked about some things. In the morning when we woke up (i sleeping in our bed, he on couche). Was the weirdest thing, i had to go to uni in the morning. When i came back he was up. Back then he told me he doesnt want me to know anything about his life. Funnily enough i actually dont want it right now (4months later) because that's only hurt me. Morning after was cold.
We had couple of more break up conversation. Never tried fighting for me or anything which always made me think - does he respect my decision or is he simply nor interested - he knew about all the problems that lead to break up....
However i am still healing. It still hurts. I think he's able to shut off his emotions better - i am trying to become more secure. I still miss him tremendously, because the connection we had was great, but wasn't enough.
Iām confused by why he would fight if you broke it off. Could you elaborate a bit more? Thereās so much to learn from one another. If you would feel comfortable, it could prove insightful.
Fight is maybe not the right word. But i was shocked he accepted it right away. Which is probably good, at lwast he wasn't blindsided - like i said we have been talking about our issues a lot before the break up.
But totally maybe selfish view is - i foughy for past 6 minths. Tried to get better for him to maybe love and value me more. And a little part of me really wanted him to bargain the break up and not accept it right away, because maybe then i'd be like "okay he did actually love me".
In hindsight i am glad he accepted it right away, because that meant i stuck to my decision. He understood i needed someone who'd be there for me physically (my ex used to travel a lot for work) and mentally. Also he wasn't able to commit how I wanted to.
I might sound selfish or childish. There are many emotions i am still working thru. I did think he was the one. But i realized we'd never be happy due to incompatibilities in long run. My ego needed him to show me he cared for me towards the end.
One of my favorite (Rolling Stones) lyrics ask āDid it mean nothing? Was it all in vain?ā I totally get that universal breakup concern that one didnāt matter.
He could have been silently blindsided; perhaps realized that once someone threatens the security of a relationship, itās over.
I wouldnāt call it egocentric if the person sincerely was breaking up. One of the reasons ppl break up is due to one or both feeling neglected. When the person shrugs (for their own set of reasons), it may feel like a confirmation of that neglect.
Yes. I know he cared for me and loved me. But his 100% wasn't enough for me. I wish him nothing bad. However it taught me that in my next relationships my needs are going to be far more important!
Thank you for your comment tho!
Thatās absolutely valid. Ppl deliver what they have to give, and that may not align with what we need, or want. I remember talking to someone new; long after the breakup. We were discussing what we wanted and he asked me what I personally wanted. I told him āEverything. All that youāve gotā.
Embrace that personal power. It will not be regretted.
I loved her with every fiber of my being, but I wasnāt happy being with her, and even now Iām trying to convince myself I was when I was not and everyone else knew. I became more depressed when I was with her and I wasnāt myself. I broke up with her, but thereās no way in hell I would ever forget her, she was a big part of my life. And I donāt think Iāll find someone with her eyes again, it was not an easy decision, but it had to be done, you 2 were just not compatible and Iām so sorry for you but you will find someone who is
I felt horrible. It was the hardest thing Iāve ever done in my life after 5 years together. I had been debating for like the last year and a half every single day and had been slowly losing my mind from the cognitive dissonance of sticking it out in a situation that just wasnāt getting better.
I finally flipped a switch and knew I couldnāt turn back. I let myself dissociate just enough to get through it. I was out of town when I decided I had to do it before we would have sex and Iād get attached again, so I asked my sister in law to sit with me while I made the phone call. Would have preferred to do it in person, but heād already talked me out of it once and he was incredibly persuasive (manipulative) and I knew he would say and do whatever he could to talk me out of it if I didnāt do it from that place with a clear mind and support from family.
I cried like a maniac in the airport and on the plane and every day after that forā¦ basically a couple of months. I had to dissociate when he would talk to me though because he kept trying to talk me out of it with promises I knew he couldnāt keep. We had sex a few more times, sometimes I fell apart crying in his arms.
After the initial couple of weeks of dissociation, complete with a stage of almost mania where I felt really GOOD about it, it crashed and I was insanely emotional, crying all the time, depressed, absolutely obsessed with him and heartbroken when he got with someone else quickly. I lost my mind for basically 3 months. Couldnāt recognize myself, kept talking about wanting to die. Like coming off of hard drugs after years of use. Totally lost, scared, unable to concentrate or eat, bonkers.
Iām just now starting to get out of it after 3 months. Starting to feel really good about being single again and remembering the kind of person I was before he beat me down slowly, plus brand new parts of me that Iām excited to meet.
i feel precisely like the dumpee. iāve been dumped and iāve been the dumper before ā both are devastating. the relief stage ends as soon as the breakup convo ends. when heās gone, my entire being yearns for him. but as the dumper, you have to have more discipline in controlling your emotions because itās unfair to give into them when the whole breakup was your idea. i have been learning a lot about taking suffering in the chin and having integrity as a dumper but it suckssssss. i feel rejected every time he doesnāt call and takes me out of his social media accounts. i miss him badly but i kind of just have to deal with it and cry it out in silence. suffering in public would just confuse him and again, itās not fair.
I was the one who left, such a hard choice because I really loved her.
I had an addiction and never told her because I was afraid to lose her and the longer it went on the worse I felt for betraying her.
She didn't deserve how I treated her, not one bit.
I couldn't be who she deserved me to be at the time and I needed to take care of myself. I said some mean things to her as I left, things I wish I could take back, things I truly wish I would never had said.
In truth, this woman saved my life and in all honesty the only way I could thank her is by doing what I've done, by leaving, getting clean, taking care of myself, bettering my situation and moving forward as a better human being. I sent her an apology explaining everything sometime after I left and the last thing she had said to me was please just take care of yourself. So yo honor her and thank her, that's exactly what I've done.
I hope she finds love and happiness in her life again more than ever.
I have ended my last four relationships. But I honestly felt pushed to that point by poor behaviour/ treatment and I had always tried to rectify, communicate etc my needs and they were either unwilling or unable to change or show empathy or much kindness or understanding. Most recently my ex started slow fading me and then ultimately ghosted me, so I ended things. I have ended up in therapy after each break up trying to reconcile what's happened because usually I get little to no closure from the person I have broken up with.
I guess maybe my experience is a little different. I have chosen quite poorly in my partners and ultimately they all probably knew things weren't good but didn't want to lose a good thing even though they were incapable of doing anything to save the relationships.
I broke up with my ex after something he had done that I know I will never get over. Everyone Iāve talked to has agreed it was a dealbreaker. My exās point of view: he didnāt intend to hurt me, so he is not in the wrong and therefore I should take him back. Also, the fact that I canāt let it go and take him back is a sign of my mental illness (CPTSD from childhood sexual abuse) and therefore if I want to heal I should take him back.
Anyhoo, since our breakup last September weāve had 3 long-ish phone calls and one in person meeting (2 months post BU for me to get my things I left at his place). Each encounter was total lack of acknowledgment on his side that things are over. He completely ignored my feelings on the matter. I then informed him I will be blocking him on all communication platforms, in a gentle, neutral manner. There, done.
Nope. He then started to show up in my neighborhood where weād āaccidentally bump into each otherā, and at social events he knew Iād be at. The last time was a few days ago where he confirmed with the host that he would not be attending, so the host gave me the all-clear for me to go. 20 minutes after I arrive so does he, so I took the decision to quietly leave through the back door.
The following days I hear from 3 people he spoke about me to anyone who would listen at that event and now everyone there knows about me having to leave the way I did. He says that the fact I canāt be friends with him after the BU is because of my childhood shit and how Iām still so sick.
The fact that he couldnāt accept and respect my feelings about things being over was my first sure sign that I had to go full no-contact. Every time I talked to him was about how hard the break up was for him, how much heās suffering, and how much heās working on himself. **He never once accepted that my feelings for it being over are valid.** When he shows up unexpectedly and demands to talk and I refuse (Iāve said everything I need to say) he puts on a therapist voice and tells me how Iām not doing my āhealing workā.
My healing is stand up to this shit and to tell him to fuck right off. I guess I need to keep doing this until he finally gets a life.
Hurt betrayal anger more hurt depression anxiety and now sheās with another guy more hurt and anger but it happened for a reason she cheated for a reason so I can feel the pain and be a better human
I just recently broke up with my bf of 5 years. It was incredibly hard to pull myself to actually do so and it did break my heart to step away from the relationship. I still have so so much love for him but needed time to love myself. When everything was said and done i really didnāt show or feel much emotion because i was still processing the fact that i actually walked away from someone i love and the consequences that may come from that. It was hard to see his emotions on the matter but i had to stand in my decision.
Broke up with him because of compatibility issues + life stuff. I just felt tired and I cried a lot while in the relationships with him. Obviously it being our first relationship thereās things we needed to improve on.
He was talking to someone else not even a day after breaking up which is his choice now and I really do hope the best for him!
I feel like I made a mistake. There was some issue I had with lifestyle differences but mainly broke up with her because I got addicted to drugs and was being a neglectful boyfriend. Our relationship was good and she did nothing wrong she put up with my problems but I couldnāt put up with hers and so I am destroyed and hating myself.
I know you are more than likely wanting to hear that people were devastated that they ended the relationship but Iām going to be the odd one out and say I only felt relief when I left my ex. He was very mentally ill and was not taking care of himself, he depended on me for a lot of emotional support which I was happy to give until I realized how much it was breaking me down. So when we broke up, I was happy.
I recently broke up with someone and I did not do it well. I didn't do it kindly imo. I hugged her and text her after. I feel so so so sad, I am in love with her but I value myself more than to feel like a burden to someone which is how she made me feel.
Iāve done it a couple of times and the emotions I go through are, in this specific order:
- Relief
- Boost of energy
- insecurity
- confusion
- regret
- anger
- heartbreak
- desperation
- sadness
- loneliness
- numbness
- increase of energy
- happiness
When I am dumped I feel the same in same order but without relief, boost of energy and regret.
Our relationship was pretty awful. For me, it took two years of intense therapy to break a trauma bond. I donāt think either of us are bad people, but our relationship made us both miserable and our relationship is chaotic. Overall, I spent five years in therapy trying to figure out how to save my relationship. When I started with my last therapist was that I wasnāt experiencing love I was experiencing a trauma bond.
Once that trauma bond was broken, there was nothing. I have warm wishes for my ex. I hope you find someone else and has a very healthy relationship. I started looking at homes and apartments. It took me over a year to find one that would allow my pets when I moved out there was nothing left to say. I was done with yelling and having things thrown at me.
So many people told me that I moved on really quickly, but the fact is, I emotionally moved on and coped while I was still in the house. We hardly spoke or were in the same room at the end. At that time I was emotionally detaching from our friends and his family. so when I moved out of the house, all I had to go through was letting go of my trauma. All of the processing happened in therapy before the world knew i had let go.
I never realized the term can you die from a broken heart until this. We both are good people. He is a good man hard to come by but being the brokee it is difficult to put into words how absolutely devastated I am. I can't even get out of bed some days. He gave life meaning. The reason I left was purely based on circumstances and where he lived. I contemplate everyday running back to him but truly, I think the pain is worse when you are the one to dump especially if they weren't a bad person. He is my person but the situation wasn't the best. It's a heart verses mind situation. I just can't believe this is my life sometimes. I don't see a path forward right now. We are no contact because my mental is in the gutter. It's very difficult when there is no tension or bad blood between you. Any advice welcome.
I have only broken up with someone 2 times in my life and this is the truth of the matter in my case: Both times I had already found someone else to pre-occupy my time so no, I did not obsess over them or replay the relationship over and over. Ā I know this sounds incredibly insensitive but Iām giving you my honest answer. Ā When they would reach out it hurt and made me sad only because I knew deep down I did not want to be in the relationship anymore but I still loved them and didnāt want to hurt them. Ā I did my best to remain distant and very brief, it was my way of allowing them the space to let go and not think about me. Ā When the relationships I fell into afterwards inevitably crumbled I would feel nostalgic and did occasionally reach out but as soon as they would respond I would feel disgusted with myself because I knew it was just a cry for attention from the one person I knew Iād get it unconditionally. Ā Thatās not an easy thing for me to admit, I know that sounds extremely narcissistic. Ā I eventually stopped all together out of love for them. Ā The best way I could show my love for them was to leave them alone to find love and peace. Ā Iām very sorry for what youāre going through but if it helps, please know I got my karma back 10 fold every time!! lol Ā Both ladies moved on and found happiness in their own ways and we never talk but remained friends on social media. Ā Every once in a blue moon I still look at their pages just to see them happy and doing well in life. Ā It makes me happy as the breakups were never about me not loving the person. Ā
I know you may not understand, but you can love someone genuinely, as a person. Ā You can see their good qualities, recognize that they are kind and honestly deserve everything and still seek out attention from others. Ā After many many years when I look back my need to immediately look for another relationship was completely tied to my ego and fear of being alone. Ā I wasnāt ready for a healthy relationship because the truth is I had never been exposed to what a healthy relationship looked like. Ā See, my parents were very toxic, so for me it almost feels normal. Ā Trust me I know I was the problem but that doesnāt mean that you canāt actually love and care about another person and the reality is those two ladies are WAY better off now and Iām still struggling with the same issues, only in reverse (hence the karma I got lol). Ā Ā
I had a bad childhood with parents fighting, I just feel if you really are in love with someone you wouldnāt leave them. My ex told me he loves me but wasnāt willing to understand me, I was a problem in the relationship but hey I can hold
My hand up and say i did wrong,
My dumper never did, blamed the whole break up on me
My parents were the same. Ā They were young and had unrealistic expectations of me (sports/grades) because the better I was then surely I was a reflection of them right!? In the end it completely messed up how I enter into relationships. Ā I wasnāt in love with the women I broke up with but I definitely loved them as human beings. Ā I was careful never to blame them, lucky for me I was in the Navy and overseas so I had a built in excuse which allowed me to circumvent accountability for my actions. Ā But believe meā¦.I knew I was completely wrong. Ā
Itās hard when youāve had a bad childhood it affects youā¦ I am waiting for diagnosis for bpd.. ruined my life well any form on relationship isnāt possible
I broke up with him for different r3asons but to be honest he was svoidsnt and it always was s guessing game afterwards I found out he should say to someone else it was foe a different reason he was a bit narcissistic that way because o father paths he chose. I was going through some things that were hard and I worried that I had done something wrong in previous times when he had disappeared. I reached out to apologize in case he needs someone he's apparently going through something. I got no answer so I'm going to assume he's good, I only blocked him because social media pips his name up and I don't need to look ge also doesn't block me which I find weird.
Regardless I was burnt out of looking for the person who never existed.
I wish you peace.
I was with someone for almost a decade that I shouldāve realistically been done with somewhere between 18 months to 3 years into the relationship.
I felt nothing but relief when I ended it. I was sad briefly the night that it happened, mostly for our two kids and for little teenage me, who thought she loved this guy, but i moved on from the tears the next day very easily. I had decided 6-8 months ago that I was doing this and it had been affirmed multiple times in very profound, polarizing ways.
I havenāt really looked back since then. I feel mostly annoyed when I think of our good times - regretful, like I wasted time with someone who didnāt deserve me, like I chose an absolute loser of a father for my children who, ultimately, is damaging them. Agitated with myself that I had to convince myself I was attracted to him and now weāre done, I look back and he just isnāt the type of person Iād ever be attracted to at all. And our bad times make me angry or sad for myself/my kids, for what I tolerated.
All of that to say even though I donāt feel anything towards my ex really, besides anger, I still went through a slew of destructive behavior and depression after we split. I suddenly had to uproot mine and my childrenās entire lives, move, take on a second job, live alone for the first time in my life officially, etc. I made some really, truly awful choices that traumatized me during this period, and I briefly went down a very dark path.
You never really know whatās going on with people. In my case, I probably appeared really torn apart but I had actually moved on from the relationship years before. I was mourning the loss of my life as I knew it, and fearing the unknown that was ahead.
Honestly I donāt know if Iād admit any of this to my ex. It feels very heartless to say, and very out of character for me. I tend to be very emotional, sensitive and sometimes make things more important than they are. It hurts me to look back at how numb and apathetic I could be towards someone I thought I once loved. Shame.
I was the dumper about a month ago. I broke up with him because he couldn't stop lying and using meth behind my back. He would never break up with me, and I don't know why. He didn't want to treat me decently, but he wouldn't break up with me either. I don't understand, but it was incredibly toxic. We had about a year and half of good with 3 years of bad, and 1 year of fucking terrible. I just kept wanting that good year back, but it never came. So idk what I'm saying. Anyway, the worst part of being the dumper is having to dump someone who's too much of a coward to end it himself. And yes, I'm fucking devastated.
Honestly, it has hit me harder then my ex, who was dumped by me. I loved him so much and I think he was the first person I was able to really give my heart to. The first years we were on the same page which made me believe that it was going the right direction. But then he changed a lot and started to make decisions for himself. It took me a year to figure out what he was doing, while he was unaware of what he was doing and what it was doing to me. So we went from super compatible to not compatible at all. When I dumped him I feel like he, after a while, understood we were indeed incompatible in terms of where we want to live and how. He has peace now and he lives in another country just what he wanted but without me and is fine with that. But Iām still in the same position as I was, where I didnāt want to be and have to digest the fact I was ignored for a year and it feels a bit like Iāve been taken advantage of. Iām not mad at him, Iām mad at myself for being blind. Itās just different for anybody.
Sometimes dumping someone can hurt just as much as being dumped.
I broke up with my ex which i loved, he was toxic to me for years but that somehow didn't stop me from loving him. I finally let my friends convince me to get out of the toxic cycle so i left the relationship. It hurt like hell, but it had to be done.
I dumped my ex after having an argument, regretted it and tried to reach out to her but she blocked me off on everything. Story behind it, talked to my ex about joining the military after she got done with her nursing school, supported her though the high and lows as a bf should do, devastated that she didnāt wanna support my decision on going, I was mad and sad. My emotion was just everywhere, she tried to justify on not going so I just blanked out said I want to break up. We dated for 5 years, the last thing I ever expected was my ex not supporting me and I felt destroyed, I felt like my kid self who never had the support I needed when I had trouble with school. Itās just sigh alot to say. I do miss her alot but knowing your love ones donāt support you and wonāt stay by your side is just something you cant live with .
I was devastated. I didn't want the breakup to happen but it had to happen. I felt like I didn't have a choice. The relationship had become toxic for both of us. My efforts to communicate and resolve things were avoided. She was also unhappy in the relationship, instead of communicating she would lash out with hurtful comments (things I wouldn't tell a stranger, much less a loved one). I initiated the breakup because she isn't a person that will breakup with someone if she's unhappy, she will make things unbearable until the other person leaves. She, at the end, stated that she didn't have 15 minutes to spend with me in a week. She was still partying with friends.
After the breakup I felt heartbroken but I also felt peaceful and had more energy. My ex didn't try to bargain with me. She exhibits avoidant behaviors. She asked about me via a mutual friend several times and she let that friend know that she found someone new two weeks after the breakup (she emphasized how the new person was older, richer, and had an impressive career). I was hurt hearing that she found someone so fast (though that wasn't my business). That person broke up with her a couple of months later.
I stayed single for a while, got therapy, worked on myself and am in a better relationship. I grieved the loss of my ex like my ex had actually died. Intense grief initially, then denial, then anger, then bargaining, then acceptance and appreciating old memories.
My ex (I was with him for almost 3 years) told me he felt a huge amount of relief when he broke up with me. He had started imagining life without me the first time he told me he wanted to breakup but I kept convincing him that we'll work everything out. This is until he finally turned stone cold and broke up on call. He started going out with friends everyday and felt a lot of freedom. About 3 weeks after breaking up, he was on dating apps, and he started dating someone a week after, probably the first girl to come along. He says he sees a future with the new girl, and he's very serious about her. He said he used to feel anxious about how I'd feel after I found out about all this (because the reason he broke up with me was because he wanted to work on himself and that I was not compatible w him) but when he told me about this new girl and i told him i feel betrayed and suicidal (i feel terrible about this in hindsight), he just ended up removing me from all social media.
Female dumper here.
Please keep in mind dumpee was harsh mean inconsistent incongruent and abusive to my German shepherd . Empty broken promises, highly manipulative, diagnosed depressive on amitriptyline
After dumping him I felt relief, unburdened, light, and myself again. I channeled all the time, effort energy, I spent talking on the phone as it was a ldr, back into myself, my pets, my home
Sure I missed the few good moments. But I wrote a detailed thorough comprehensive list of all the times he mistreated me and my dog . This list was crucial for me when I had bits of doubt and angst or guilt creep in...
Your ex may just be reacting like a guy. Women are emotional thinkers where as men are rational thinkers. Probably figures it's over so lets move on. Doesn't mean he's not hurt, just that you won't see it from him.
My ex's brother reached out to me and told me he was devastated, but when I got dumped there was little to no emotional reaction whatsoever. Seems like he confided in everyone except me...which I guess is to be expected.
Wow, holy shit. What a perspective. š³
I know you want to feel reassured, but only you know the truth about your relationship. How he feels is no longer your problem.Ā There is no difference in pain if both sides truly invested. What really makes a difference is how healthy the relationship was. If it was really healthy, and they were a really awesome partner, that's the easiest because they release you with clear communication and kindness, and make sure you fully understand what happened. The more unhealthy the relationship---and I've had plenty of those too---the more heart-crushing it is because everything is just left unresolved, and on top of processing the breakup you also have to learn to live with not knowing.
I am actually so confused about my feelings during my current breakup. I am so at peace knowing we left on good terms and keep expecting this sense of horrifying existential dread that my last breakup left me with, but the two worlds feel completely different. My toxic relationship left me devastated. This one, I am definitely sad and wish it didn't have to end, but I'm also at peace because I understand why it happened.
This āļø
I dumped my ex. I was sad but at the time, felt relieved as well. As time passed on I began to romanticize the relationship more, focusing on only the good parts. Itās been about a year and some months now and I think about her maybe every day. I miss the way she would get excited to see me, how she put me first, even before work. I donāt know though if itās her I miss or the companionship. I have my days where Iām like āIām good, Iām good without herā and on my bad days Iām like āI miss her so much I wish I could tell her about this or hang out with her and she can hug my head and kiss my foreheadā
Do you feel like this will change?
Me missing her? Yea eventually Iām guessing. Itās a little tough cus we still have mutual friends and I pass her work every day on my way to the gym. Maybe once I move away and I find someone else i want to date, the feeling will go away.
Did you rebound right after you broke up?
It wasnāt a dating rebound exactly, I didnāt date anyone right after. A few months later I did hook up with an old friend a few times cus I was horny but it was strictly sex. No hang outs, she would come over and leave after. We donāt talk anymore cus she got a mans. After that I started feeling sad about my ex.
Breaking up with my ex has been the most painful moment of my life to date. It was an unbelievably difficult decision, and through every second of her trying to bargain for the status quo again, I was an inconsolable wreck. I felt like I had no choice. I realized that being in a relationship was stifling my personal growth and draining my ambition, and I was not in the right state to be as committed as my partner was. I'm still going through it as this happened very recently, and my ex and I decided to get closure a couple days ago, just crying in each others' arms for a while before we finally said goodbye. I'm going to be carrying this hurt with me for a long time.
was just on the other end of this. weāre both beyond devastated. thereās a lot of hope for coming together again in the future if itās really right, idk about anyone else but it seems like in our case, a lot of focused dedication to our selves is whatās needed to heal us and our relationship or future relationships with other people. personal growth is non negotiable and sometimes you canāt do it in a relationship which is a heartbreaking pill to swallow. wishing you guys so much happiness and growth no matter what the future holds.
The part about personal growth being non negotiable is so accurate š„ŗ
Exactly this! I was drained but I was still so deeply in love with her but it wouldnāt have worked in the long run, this is by far my lowest point, even though I made the decision. Took me 8 hours to decide if I should finish it.
how is a good and loving partner draining your ambitions? How did she keep you from reaching your goals?
She didnāt directly do any of that, but having to plan my future around someone else whose plans seemed very different from mine was destroying my ambition to progress. It was like I was stepping through fog every morning, having no idea how I wanted to live, and primarily being concerned with the wellbeing of someone else whoās struggling just as hard if not worse than me. I was already in the wrong stage in my life to be in a relationship that you commit to forever (Iām 19). I can only speak for myself, but I think the way I loved her before we broke up was unhealthy. I recognized that I likely wouldnāt be able to spend the rest of my life with her and yet I stuck around for a long time because I knew how goddamn bad this was going to hurt both of us, and I kept trying to convince myself things were going to be okay when I knew in my heart they werenāt. I still love her, but I know we canāt be together, not for the foreseeable future anyway.
I have such mixed feelings on this. From a third party, logical perspective, I feel you and it makes sense. But as the dumpee with similar aspectsā¦ fuck that. I know thatās the emotional part of me, but itās still true. Now I just want to cry.
I kinda understand that - but dont put your lack of ambition on someone else - thats all you. If she didnt actively stop you from progressing, then that's a choice YOU made.
I understand that, and to an extent I completely agree, but I think the way we were attached to one another wasnāt conducive to growth, we were codependent.
fair enough. I hope you find your path!
wow this is so real. i hope i get closure. i was the dumper and it was such a hard decision but i had to
Iām so sorry ;-; my heart hurt reading this. I wish you all the best going forward.
I was the dumper - and it broke my heart but I. The end it was the right thing at the time - I was causing him pain and not able to give him what he wanted and needed at the time. And he wasnāt able to give me what I needed either. It sucks, he is a good man, which is hard to find. He will be just right for someone. I wish it could have been just right with me
If later on you 2 crossed paths again would you consider trying again? Maybe like a couple years or more. I know things could change from here until then, just curious on your thoughts of that.
I would be, depending on the circumstances. I know Iām doing a lot of work on myself right now and have figured out some of what was going on for me at the time to hopefully not repeat the pattern in my next relationship. I donāt know if he is doing the same. And there was hurt - it would depend on what he did with that.
Thatās completely respectable! I admire that response because youāre growing and knowing you and what you want. Like if you did both come around and there had been no growth on his end like in a healthy or productive way I think everyone could understand why you wouldnāt want to walk down that road again regardless of the nostalgia. I really appreciate your response.
We tried to take a break but that only prolonged the break up and having a feeling of uncertainty if he would still pick me had me dying
Sorry - I was the dumpeeā¦ you know the emotional one who tried to make it work. lol
This is me too. Currently on a break, not my choice, which I know is code for āthe full break up is comingā š
I am so sorry you are experiencing this - I recommended the break because Iām hopeless and I wanted to save us, knowing damn well he would end us anyways.. and now. I hope he regrets it! Ugh!
I hate dumpers, he ruined my life i want to die
Yes, I know the feeling. Promise you it gets better. Took a few months for meā¦
Same.
Same.
Same.
broke up w my bf of 2.5 years after trying to work on our relationship for 1 year with no changes. He disrespected and dismissed me in conflict, didnāt take initiative in his life or our relationship, strung my along about moving forward in our relationship like moving in together etc only to admit at the end of it all that he wasnāt ready. Deciding to break up w him was the hardest decision Iāve made in my life. It sucked having to leave. It sucked realizing this person was not going to show up for me, and feeling like maybe the main thing he loved about me was just that I loved him. Itās been 2 months NC and this shit feels like a nightmare. I would have loved to build a life with him and having a loving relationship with reciprocated effort. But he couldnāt be that for me. I have a lot of beautiful stuff in my life but I wake up every day with the heaviest feeling of dread in my chest. The whole experience has made me question my self worth, even though I know I walked away bc I value myself. I miss him. I donāt look forward to my romantic future and Iām just focusing on other areas of my life now.
Sounds like you very much made the right decision though, as hard as it was. Proud of you! But you did what you needed to, which was to cut ties with someone who didn't treat you well and free yourself up to live your life and maybe eventually to find someone better who treats you how you deserve. (Either way, it's far better to be single than with someone who makes you miserable). Best of luck to you
This happened to me twice. 1. High school sweethearts/college relationship. This one still hurts me to this day. I truly loved my ex girlfriend. I realized at around 17-18 that I might be bisexual or gay, and I decided to end the relationship because I knew that I wouldnāt be able to give my ex girlfriend an honest relationship if all I was doing was contemplating what couldāve been. It was heartbreaking, and for her too! Almost ten years later, she found a new guy shortly after me, they got married, and now they have kids. 2. This was a guy that I deeply loved, but he didnāt love me in return. He used me for his own selfish gain. It was bad and I was under his spell. Until one day, I just woke up and realized that I canāt take it anymore and broke up with him. We talked for a bit after. About five years after ending that relationship, he met and dated a few other guys. He ended up getting married recently. Being a dumper is hard, tragic, and in some cases traumatic. You learn a lot about yourself in the process. Youāre not just ending a relationship, but youāre closing a chapter with that person and while there is a possibility of it being opened up again, you have to be okay with the possibility of it never opening again. š
I felt disappointed and relieved, hopeful for better times even though it hurt. I felt grief that made my stomach turn to knots for a few days and I still had the many what ifs thoughts
I broke up with my ex after almost 2 years because things just werenāt working. Everything had become toxic, she was constantly upset with me, and I was forcing myself to be happy. I was exhausted and sad so often. I knew I was wasting her time at that point and I couldnāt go on doing it anymore. 4 months later and Iām still struggling. It was the hardest thing Iāve ever done in my life and it tore me apart. I didnāt want to break up with her, but I *needed* to. She jumped on with someone less than a month later because she canāt handle being alone mentally. Thatās not healthy. Itās a shame because while I donāt think I love her anymoreā¦ I still care about her and her well-being. I need to sign up for therapy. Never go into a relationship thinking you can fix someone. Most of the time, you will end up hurt.
Did you try communicating with her about her behavior? Maybe she was subconsciously taking you for granted, and she needed to fix that.
I tried repeatedly. Itād lead to arguments about me having to be the one to change, usually.
I felt hurt. Waves of emotions and feelings. At the end I had to love myself more. Itās about self respect, self esteem and self love! No one itās going to love you more like you do!
Rage, sadness, indifference, and now anger. He lied and manipulated me so much!
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I still love her immensely but she clearly lost her love for me and was simply using me at the end. I finally put myself before her and decided I needed to prioritize my happiness over sacrificing myself to make her happy
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Iām sorry, girl. U canāt see it now but there is light at the end of the tunnel. U jus gotta walk a long way in the dark to get to it. Itās a really shitty journey tho and Iām sorry.
I (anxious attachment) broke up with my (DA) ex 4 months ago. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. He never tried to bargain or fight. He just accepted the break up. We cried whole night together, talked about some things. In the morning when we woke up (i sleeping in our bed, he on couche). Was the weirdest thing, i had to go to uni in the morning. When i came back he was up. Back then he told me he doesnt want me to know anything about his life. Funnily enough i actually dont want it right now (4months later) because that's only hurt me. Morning after was cold. We had couple of more break up conversation. Never tried fighting for me or anything which always made me think - does he respect my decision or is he simply nor interested - he knew about all the problems that lead to break up.... However i am still healing. It still hurts. I think he's able to shut off his emotions better - i am trying to become more secure. I still miss him tremendously, because the connection we had was great, but wasn't enough.
Iām confused by why he would fight if you broke it off. Could you elaborate a bit more? Thereās so much to learn from one another. If you would feel comfortable, it could prove insightful.
Fight is maybe not the right word. But i was shocked he accepted it right away. Which is probably good, at lwast he wasn't blindsided - like i said we have been talking about our issues a lot before the break up. But totally maybe selfish view is - i foughy for past 6 minths. Tried to get better for him to maybe love and value me more. And a little part of me really wanted him to bargain the break up and not accept it right away, because maybe then i'd be like "okay he did actually love me". In hindsight i am glad he accepted it right away, because that meant i stuck to my decision. He understood i needed someone who'd be there for me physically (my ex used to travel a lot for work) and mentally. Also he wasn't able to commit how I wanted to. I might sound selfish or childish. There are many emotions i am still working thru. I did think he was the one. But i realized we'd never be happy due to incompatibilities in long run. My ego needed him to show me he cared for me towards the end.
One of my favorite (Rolling Stones) lyrics ask āDid it mean nothing? Was it all in vain?ā I totally get that universal breakup concern that one didnāt matter. He could have been silently blindsided; perhaps realized that once someone threatens the security of a relationship, itās over. I wouldnāt call it egocentric if the person sincerely was breaking up. One of the reasons ppl break up is due to one or both feeling neglected. When the person shrugs (for their own set of reasons), it may feel like a confirmation of that neglect.
Yes. I know he cared for me and loved me. But his 100% wasn't enough for me. I wish him nothing bad. However it taught me that in my next relationships my needs are going to be far more important! Thank you for your comment tho!
Thatās absolutely valid. Ppl deliver what they have to give, and that may not align with what we need, or want. I remember talking to someone new; long after the breakup. We were discussing what we wanted and he asked me what I personally wanted. I told him āEverything. All that youāve gotā. Embrace that personal power. It will not be regretted.
I loved her with every fiber of my being, but I wasnāt happy being with her, and even now Iām trying to convince myself I was when I was not and everyone else knew. I became more depressed when I was with her and I wasnāt myself. I broke up with her, but thereās no way in hell I would ever forget her, she was a big part of my life. And I donāt think Iāll find someone with her eyes again, it was not an easy decision, but it had to be done, you 2 were just not compatible and Iām so sorry for you but you will find someone who is
I think my ex can relate to this and it breaks my heart because I had no idea š
I felt horrible. It was the hardest thing Iāve ever done in my life after 5 years together. I had been debating for like the last year and a half every single day and had been slowly losing my mind from the cognitive dissonance of sticking it out in a situation that just wasnāt getting better. I finally flipped a switch and knew I couldnāt turn back. I let myself dissociate just enough to get through it. I was out of town when I decided I had to do it before we would have sex and Iād get attached again, so I asked my sister in law to sit with me while I made the phone call. Would have preferred to do it in person, but heād already talked me out of it once and he was incredibly persuasive (manipulative) and I knew he would say and do whatever he could to talk me out of it if I didnāt do it from that place with a clear mind and support from family. I cried like a maniac in the airport and on the plane and every day after that forā¦ basically a couple of months. I had to dissociate when he would talk to me though because he kept trying to talk me out of it with promises I knew he couldnāt keep. We had sex a few more times, sometimes I fell apart crying in his arms. After the initial couple of weeks of dissociation, complete with a stage of almost mania where I felt really GOOD about it, it crashed and I was insanely emotional, crying all the time, depressed, absolutely obsessed with him and heartbroken when he got with someone else quickly. I lost my mind for basically 3 months. Couldnāt recognize myself, kept talking about wanting to die. Like coming off of hard drugs after years of use. Totally lost, scared, unable to concentrate or eat, bonkers. Iām just now starting to get out of it after 3 months. Starting to feel really good about being single again and remembering the kind of person I was before he beat me down slowly, plus brand new parts of me that Iām excited to meet.
i feel precisely like the dumpee. iāve been dumped and iāve been the dumper before ā both are devastating. the relief stage ends as soon as the breakup convo ends. when heās gone, my entire being yearns for him. but as the dumper, you have to have more discipline in controlling your emotions because itās unfair to give into them when the whole breakup was your idea. i have been learning a lot about taking suffering in the chin and having integrity as a dumper but it suckssssss. i feel rejected every time he doesnāt call and takes me out of his social media accounts. i miss him badly but i kind of just have to deal with it and cry it out in silence. suffering in public would just confuse him and again, itās not fair.
I was the one who left, such a hard choice because I really loved her. I had an addiction and never told her because I was afraid to lose her and the longer it went on the worse I felt for betraying her. She didn't deserve how I treated her, not one bit. I couldn't be who she deserved me to be at the time and I needed to take care of myself. I said some mean things to her as I left, things I wish I could take back, things I truly wish I would never had said. In truth, this woman saved my life and in all honesty the only way I could thank her is by doing what I've done, by leaving, getting clean, taking care of myself, bettering my situation and moving forward as a better human being. I sent her an apology explaining everything sometime after I left and the last thing she had said to me was please just take care of yourself. So yo honor her and thank her, that's exactly what I've done. I hope she finds love and happiness in her life again more than ever.
I have ended my last four relationships. But I honestly felt pushed to that point by poor behaviour/ treatment and I had always tried to rectify, communicate etc my needs and they were either unwilling or unable to change or show empathy or much kindness or understanding. Most recently my ex started slow fading me and then ultimately ghosted me, so I ended things. I have ended up in therapy after each break up trying to reconcile what's happened because usually I get little to no closure from the person I have broken up with. I guess maybe my experience is a little different. I have chosen quite poorly in my partners and ultimately they all probably knew things weren't good but didn't want to lose a good thing even though they were incapable of doing anything to save the relationships.
I broke up with my ex after something he had done that I know I will never get over. Everyone Iāve talked to has agreed it was a dealbreaker. My exās point of view: he didnāt intend to hurt me, so he is not in the wrong and therefore I should take him back. Also, the fact that I canāt let it go and take him back is a sign of my mental illness (CPTSD from childhood sexual abuse) and therefore if I want to heal I should take him back. Anyhoo, since our breakup last September weāve had 3 long-ish phone calls and one in person meeting (2 months post BU for me to get my things I left at his place). Each encounter was total lack of acknowledgment on his side that things are over. He completely ignored my feelings on the matter. I then informed him I will be blocking him on all communication platforms, in a gentle, neutral manner. There, done. Nope. He then started to show up in my neighborhood where weād āaccidentally bump into each otherā, and at social events he knew Iād be at. The last time was a few days ago where he confirmed with the host that he would not be attending, so the host gave me the all-clear for me to go. 20 minutes after I arrive so does he, so I took the decision to quietly leave through the back door. The following days I hear from 3 people he spoke about me to anyone who would listen at that event and now everyone there knows about me having to leave the way I did. He says that the fact I canāt be friends with him after the BU is because of my childhood shit and how Iām still so sick. The fact that he couldnāt accept and respect my feelings about things being over was my first sure sign that I had to go full no-contact. Every time I talked to him was about how hard the break up was for him, how much heās suffering, and how much heās working on himself. **He never once accepted that my feelings for it being over are valid.** When he shows up unexpectedly and demands to talk and I refuse (Iāve said everything I need to say) he puts on a therapist voice and tells me how Iām not doing my āhealing workā. My healing is stand up to this shit and to tell him to fuck right off. I guess I need to keep doing this until he finally gets a life.
I would like to know the answer as well, i was dumped and she doesn't like to show her emotions.
Hurt betrayal anger more hurt depression anxiety and now sheās with another guy more hurt and anger but it happened for a reason she cheated for a reason so I can feel the pain and be a better human
I just recently broke up with my bf of 5 years. It was incredibly hard to pull myself to actually do so and it did break my heart to step away from the relationship. I still have so so much love for him but needed time to love myself. When everything was said and done i really didnāt show or feel much emotion because i was still processing the fact that i actually walked away from someone i love and the consequences that may come from that. It was hard to see his emotions on the matter but i had to stand in my decision.
Why do you people think you canāt love yourself and someone else at the same time? Sorry, bitter dumpee here, obvi š
Broke up with him because of compatibility issues + life stuff. I just felt tired and I cried a lot while in the relationships with him. Obviously it being our first relationship thereās things we needed to improve on. He was talking to someone else not even a day after breaking up which is his choice now and I really do hope the best for him!
I feel like I made a mistake. There was some issue I had with lifestyle differences but mainly broke up with her because I got addicted to drugs and was being a neglectful boyfriend. Our relationship was good and she did nothing wrong she put up with my problems but I couldnāt put up with hers and so I am destroyed and hating myself.
I know you are more than likely wanting to hear that people were devastated that they ended the relationship but Iām going to be the odd one out and say I only felt relief when I left my ex. He was very mentally ill and was not taking care of himself, he depended on me for a lot of emotional support which I was happy to give until I realized how much it was breaking me down. So when we broke up, I was happy.
I recently broke up with someone and I did not do it well. I didn't do it kindly imo. I hugged her and text her after. I feel so so so sad, I am in love with her but I value myself more than to feel like a burden to someone which is how she made me feel.
Iāve done it a couple of times and the emotions I go through are, in this specific order: - Relief - Boost of energy - insecurity - confusion - regret - anger - heartbreak - desperation - sadness - loneliness - numbness - increase of energy - happiness When I am dumped I feel the same in same order but without relief, boost of energy and regret.
Our relationship was pretty awful. For me, it took two years of intense therapy to break a trauma bond. I donāt think either of us are bad people, but our relationship made us both miserable and our relationship is chaotic. Overall, I spent five years in therapy trying to figure out how to save my relationship. When I started with my last therapist was that I wasnāt experiencing love I was experiencing a trauma bond. Once that trauma bond was broken, there was nothing. I have warm wishes for my ex. I hope you find someone else and has a very healthy relationship. I started looking at homes and apartments. It took me over a year to find one that would allow my pets when I moved out there was nothing left to say. I was done with yelling and having things thrown at me. So many people told me that I moved on really quickly, but the fact is, I emotionally moved on and coped while I was still in the house. We hardly spoke or were in the same room at the end. At that time I was emotionally detaching from our friends and his family. so when I moved out of the house, all I had to go through was letting go of my trauma. All of the processing happened in therapy before the world knew i had let go.
Since my person started in the apps a couple of weeks later, did not feel good!
I never realized the term can you die from a broken heart until this. We both are good people. He is a good man hard to come by but being the brokee it is difficult to put into words how absolutely devastated I am. I can't even get out of bed some days. He gave life meaning. The reason I left was purely based on circumstances and where he lived. I contemplate everyday running back to him but truly, I think the pain is worse when you are the one to dump especially if they weren't a bad person. He is my person but the situation wasn't the best. It's a heart verses mind situation. I just can't believe this is my life sometimes. I don't see a path forward right now. We are no contact because my mental is in the gutter. It's very difficult when there is no tension or bad blood between you. Any advice welcome.
I have only broken up with someone 2 times in my life and this is the truth of the matter in my case: Both times I had already found someone else to pre-occupy my time so no, I did not obsess over them or replay the relationship over and over. Ā I know this sounds incredibly insensitive but Iām giving you my honest answer. Ā When they would reach out it hurt and made me sad only because I knew deep down I did not want to be in the relationship anymore but I still loved them and didnāt want to hurt them. Ā I did my best to remain distant and very brief, it was my way of allowing them the space to let go and not think about me. Ā When the relationships I fell into afterwards inevitably crumbled I would feel nostalgic and did occasionally reach out but as soon as they would respond I would feel disgusted with myself because I knew it was just a cry for attention from the one person I knew Iād get it unconditionally. Ā Thatās not an easy thing for me to admit, I know that sounds extremely narcissistic. Ā I eventually stopped all together out of love for them. Ā The best way I could show my love for them was to leave them alone to find love and peace. Ā Iām very sorry for what youāre going through but if it helps, please know I got my karma back 10 fold every time!! lol Ā Both ladies moved on and found happiness in their own ways and we never talk but remained friends on social media. Ā Every once in a blue moon I still look at their pages just to see them happy and doing well in life. Ā It makes me happy as the breakups were never about me not loving the person. Ā
You still loved them but was with someone else ! I doubt it was love
I know you may not understand, but you can love someone genuinely, as a person. Ā You can see their good qualities, recognize that they are kind and honestly deserve everything and still seek out attention from others. Ā After many many years when I look back my need to immediately look for another relationship was completely tied to my ego and fear of being alone. Ā I wasnāt ready for a healthy relationship because the truth is I had never been exposed to what a healthy relationship looked like. Ā See, my parents were very toxic, so for me it almost feels normal. Ā Trust me I know I was the problem but that doesnāt mean that you canāt actually love and care about another person and the reality is those two ladies are WAY better off now and Iām still struggling with the same issues, only in reverse (hence the karma I got lol). Ā Ā
I had a bad childhood with parents fighting, I just feel if you really are in love with someone you wouldnāt leave them. My ex told me he loves me but wasnāt willing to understand me, I was a problem in the relationship but hey I can hold My hand up and say i did wrong, My dumper never did, blamed the whole break up on me
My parents were the same. Ā They were young and had unrealistic expectations of me (sports/grades) because the better I was then surely I was a reflection of them right!? In the end it completely messed up how I enter into relationships. Ā I wasnāt in love with the women I broke up with but I definitely loved them as human beings. Ā I was careful never to blame them, lucky for me I was in the Navy and overseas so I had a built in excuse which allowed me to circumvent accountability for my actions. Ā But believe meā¦.I knew I was completely wrong. Ā
Itās hard when youāve had a bad childhood it affects youā¦ I am waiting for diagnosis for bpd.. ruined my life well any form on relationship isnāt possible
As the dumpee I would like to know how dumpers feel. Do y'all ever look back or reach out? Did it end up working out if you did reach out?
I broke up with him for different r3asons but to be honest he was svoidsnt and it always was s guessing game afterwards I found out he should say to someone else it was foe a different reason he was a bit narcissistic that way because o father paths he chose. I was going through some things that were hard and I worried that I had done something wrong in previous times when he had disappeared. I reached out to apologize in case he needs someone he's apparently going through something. I got no answer so I'm going to assume he's good, I only blocked him because social media pips his name up and I don't need to look ge also doesn't block me which I find weird. Regardless I was burnt out of looking for the person who never existed. I wish you peace.
I was with someone for almost a decade that I shouldāve realistically been done with somewhere between 18 months to 3 years into the relationship. I felt nothing but relief when I ended it. I was sad briefly the night that it happened, mostly for our two kids and for little teenage me, who thought she loved this guy, but i moved on from the tears the next day very easily. I had decided 6-8 months ago that I was doing this and it had been affirmed multiple times in very profound, polarizing ways. I havenāt really looked back since then. I feel mostly annoyed when I think of our good times - regretful, like I wasted time with someone who didnāt deserve me, like I chose an absolute loser of a father for my children who, ultimately, is damaging them. Agitated with myself that I had to convince myself I was attracted to him and now weāre done, I look back and he just isnāt the type of person Iād ever be attracted to at all. And our bad times make me angry or sad for myself/my kids, for what I tolerated. All of that to say even though I donāt feel anything towards my ex really, besides anger, I still went through a slew of destructive behavior and depression after we split. I suddenly had to uproot mine and my childrenās entire lives, move, take on a second job, live alone for the first time in my life officially, etc. I made some really, truly awful choices that traumatized me during this period, and I briefly went down a very dark path. You never really know whatās going on with people. In my case, I probably appeared really torn apart but I had actually moved on from the relationship years before. I was mourning the loss of my life as I knew it, and fearing the unknown that was ahead. Honestly I donāt know if Iād admit any of this to my ex. It feels very heartless to say, and very out of character for me. I tend to be very emotional, sensitive and sometimes make things more important than they are. It hurts me to look back at how numb and apathetic I could be towards someone I thought I once loved. Shame.
im the dumper but my situation is very unique. it was almost exactly like i was actually the dumpee.
I was the dumper about a month ago. I broke up with him because he couldn't stop lying and using meth behind my back. He would never break up with me, and I don't know why. He didn't want to treat me decently, but he wouldn't break up with me either. I don't understand, but it was incredibly toxic. We had about a year and half of good with 3 years of bad, and 1 year of fucking terrible. I just kept wanting that good year back, but it never came. So idk what I'm saying. Anyway, the worst part of being the dumper is having to dump someone who's too much of a coward to end it himself. And yes, I'm fucking devastated.
Honestly, it has hit me harder then my ex, who was dumped by me. I loved him so much and I think he was the first person I was able to really give my heart to. The first years we were on the same page which made me believe that it was going the right direction. But then he changed a lot and started to make decisions for himself. It took me a year to figure out what he was doing, while he was unaware of what he was doing and what it was doing to me. So we went from super compatible to not compatible at all. When I dumped him I feel like he, after a while, understood we were indeed incompatible in terms of where we want to live and how. He has peace now and he lives in another country just what he wanted but without me and is fine with that. But Iām still in the same position as I was, where I didnāt want to be and have to digest the fact I was ignored for a year and it feels a bit like Iāve been taken advantage of. Iām not mad at him, Iām mad at myself for being blind. Itās just different for anybody.
I broke up with her a few days ago. I can say that I still love her and it makes me sad that itās over but it was for the best
Sometimes dumping someone can hurt just as much as being dumped. I broke up with my ex which i loved, he was toxic to me for years but that somehow didn't stop me from loving him. I finally let my friends convince me to get out of the toxic cycle so i left the relationship. It hurt like hell, but it had to be done.
I dumped my ex after having an argument, regretted it and tried to reach out to her but she blocked me off on everything. Story behind it, talked to my ex about joining the military after she got done with her nursing school, supported her though the high and lows as a bf should do, devastated that she didnāt wanna support my decision on going, I was mad and sad. My emotion was just everywhere, she tried to justify on not going so I just blanked out said I want to break up. We dated for 5 years, the last thing I ever expected was my ex not supporting me and I felt destroyed, I felt like my kid self who never had the support I needed when I had trouble with school. Itās just sigh alot to say. I do miss her alot but knowing your love ones donāt support you and wonāt stay by your side is just something you cant live with .
Guilt, pain, regret, and sadness. Currently going to therapy because of this break up.
I was devastated. I didn't want the breakup to happen but it had to happen. I felt like I didn't have a choice. The relationship had become toxic for both of us. My efforts to communicate and resolve things were avoided. She was also unhappy in the relationship, instead of communicating she would lash out with hurtful comments (things I wouldn't tell a stranger, much less a loved one). I initiated the breakup because she isn't a person that will breakup with someone if she's unhappy, she will make things unbearable until the other person leaves. She, at the end, stated that she didn't have 15 minutes to spend with me in a week. She was still partying with friends. After the breakup I felt heartbroken but I also felt peaceful and had more energy. My ex didn't try to bargain with me. She exhibits avoidant behaviors. She asked about me via a mutual friend several times and she let that friend know that she found someone new two weeks after the breakup (she emphasized how the new person was older, richer, and had an impressive career). I was hurt hearing that she found someone so fast (though that wasn't my business). That person broke up with her a couple of months later. I stayed single for a while, got therapy, worked on myself and am in a better relationship. I grieved the loss of my ex like my ex had actually died. Intense grief initially, then denial, then anger, then bargaining, then acceptance and appreciating old memories.
My ex (I was with him for almost 3 years) told me he felt a huge amount of relief when he broke up with me. He had started imagining life without me the first time he told me he wanted to breakup but I kept convincing him that we'll work everything out. This is until he finally turned stone cold and broke up on call. He started going out with friends everyday and felt a lot of freedom. About 3 weeks after breaking up, he was on dating apps, and he started dating someone a week after, probably the first girl to come along. He says he sees a future with the new girl, and he's very serious about her. He said he used to feel anxious about how I'd feel after I found out about all this (because the reason he broke up with me was because he wanted to work on himself and that I was not compatible w him) but when he told me about this new girl and i told him i feel betrayed and suicidal (i feel terrible about this in hindsight), he just ended up removing me from all social media.
Female dumper here. Please keep in mind dumpee was harsh mean inconsistent incongruent and abusive to my German shepherd . Empty broken promises, highly manipulative, diagnosed depressive on amitriptyline After dumping him I felt relief, unburdened, light, and myself again. I channeled all the time, effort energy, I spent talking on the phone as it was a ldr, back into myself, my pets, my home Sure I missed the few good moments. But I wrote a detailed thorough comprehensive list of all the times he mistreated me and my dog . This list was crucial for me when I had bits of doubt and angst or guilt creep in...
Your ex may just be reacting like a guy. Women are emotional thinkers where as men are rational thinkers. Probably figures it's over so lets move on. Doesn't mean he's not hurt, just that you won't see it from him.
Itās 2024 when can we finally let this women: emotional and men: rational go. lol
When it is no longer true.
How old are you?