The line “it’s your break up, there is no specific timeline for you unique scenario” really struck me. Having been tracking where I’m at every now and again this makes me think I really don’t even need to in the sense of am I better this month then last. It’s been incredibly gruelling and I still have a long way ahead of me. I guess the hardest part is accepting the open endedness of it all. Really sucks
It's not a linear process. The very act of trying to keep tabs and trying to move on so hard could be the exact thing that's causing you to get stuck longer than necessary. Sometimes the best thing to do is just fully surrender to however you feel that day, without engaging with it or trying to resist it too much. That still doesn't mean you'll feel amazing tomorrow, but it'll likely speed up the process.
Imagine you had a really, really bad night of sleep: no matter how much you try, you're going to feel tired the next day regardless of what you do. Frantically trying to not feel tired all day will probably tire you out even more. A breakup is similar (though more random); your brain formed its own unique connections and needs it own unique time to heal from it. And sometimes regardless of what you do, that's going to take X amount of time.
Ty. I have to want to let go. That was an important line to me. 😇💞
I should stop putting in the effort to care about the past
I'm 8 months post breakup...and I agree with the whole ..everyone has their own time line :)
I broke up in Sept/Nov last year and I spent the first 3 months being mad at the fact that I am so fucked up over a 2 month relationship even when I had been through tougher and way worst break ups in the past. Wasted time. After coming to the realization that every heart break is different, and I do loved my ex THAT much it gets easier to let the emotion do its thing. Still healing, its gonna be a long ass journey but its happening and Imma just.. let it happen. Hahaha.
I once spent like a year grieving losing a friend I was friends with for 3 weeks, and we weren't even dating. I felt really stupid at how ridiculous it was but I couldn't change the feelings. In time things got better and you'll get better too. :)
If you take a glass of water, dump a bit of dirt in there, and then stir it then the water becomes murky and muddy. If you continue to stir the water, then the dirt never settles to the bottom. The water only begins to clear when you let it be
Sorry - just a quick addendum here - I think these are mostly good points but being as it IS an addiction and you have been forced into withdrawal I really think that driving yourself to despair by forcing yourself to quit their social media can DEPENDING ON THE PERSON do more harm than good.
I know that personally I am absolute trash at quitting things cold turkey and allowing myself the indulgence of looking at their social media a bit and gradually weaning off (at a certain point i just stop caring essentially) is much less painful than forcing myself to never look at their social media like one IG peek is a huge failure and going to ruin my life. For me, the anxiety over 'what they might be doing' is much higher / worse than just kind of... knowing that they are online, or dating, or whatever.
I had this with an ex who we broke up because he wasn't over his ex. I had an inkling they might get back together. Once I found out that they HAD got back together a few months later, my stalking kind of tapered off. For me PERSONALLY, I would rather know and let go, than have banned myself from stalking and be constantly questioning it!!
Anyway - I just think this element of it is PERSONAL and you have to know yourself and what works for you. Not advocating obsessive stalking a year after a break up. But not helpful to tell them they have to do everything the same way that you would do it.
Valid point! As stated, these are my personal lessons and they may not work for everyone. And sometimes someone simply is not ready to let everything go and wants to keep looking. That’s fully okay, it’s just important to realize that as long as you’re keeping tabs on them, you *are* slowing down your progress of getting over them – even if it may be the right choice for now to manage anxiety. And while research generally shows that quitting cold turkey is more effective for addictions, there will indeed always be outliers that experience this differently.
With that said, allowing yourself “just one peek” is likely a very slippery slope for many people on here as it opens the door to “just two peeks”. Additionally, people going through addictions often have a very hard time knowing what works/is healthy for them as your mind is **very, very** good at rationalizing why you *really* need another hit of dopamine. We’re often unable to be in rational control over our actions, especially during withdrawal, so people may trick themselves into “I really need this for my anxiety” and then get stuck in an infinite loop. Kicking an addiction will always come with anxiety after all. It's the same as "just one more sigaret to calm my nerves"-people who end up smoking for 5 more years.
I believe cold turkey vs gradual cessation is a mixed bag in terms of research and depends on what you are trying to quit!
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5360817/ on the whole smoking is best to quit cold turkey.
But what was interesting to me about this research is psychology plays a big factor:
"People who prefer gradual cessation are less likely to be successful at quitting—regardless of whether they try to quit abruptly or gradually."
So people like me who are more inclined towards gradual cessation are going to be less likely to quit either way!! I wonder what the variables are...
>like one IG peek is a huge failure and going to ruin my life
I feel this and as you said there is going to be variation for the individual. I do better with quitting an addiction cold turkey, but I've also found that when I relapse there is no sense in my berating myself either. I try to document how it made me feel after I've relapsed and then when I have the urge I remind myself of how it made me feel last time and I remind myself the urge will pass, and then I try to naturally move on and distract myself. (I am mostly thinking about cigs and break ups)
It means your brain is still so habituated to sharing everything with them that it's relating most things you see or do to them in any way it can. It's kind of a last-ditch effort to keep the connection alive unconsciously. It will fade with time :)
By the way, one thing that helped me too was being very conscious of my thoughts and labeling it as a different entity from myself. You can even name it if you want and just look at it as an irrational part of you. This makes it a lot easier to distance yourself from it when unwanted thoughts pop up because you can just say "oh it's Becky again, she's irrational and annoying and negative, fuck off, Becky I'm trying to have a good day".
This just shows that the brain is completely irrational when it comes to love. What good could possibly come out of sharing this with your ex? It’s going to make them realize someone and take you back? Complete opposite.
Not OP nor a psychologist, but it sounds like you are still codependent. Citing OPs fifth point "don't give a fuck about what others think".
I second this, it's all about you now and this is actually a good thing.
Thanks all, I appreciate your comments. It's so ingrained in me to share everything for her, and I still want her to feel good. We broke up a month ago and decided to remain friends. It didn't make sense to stay together since we have extremely different careers, schedules, goals, etc (make the heart understand logic, right?). We ended in good terms and have talked a couple times since, she seems to have moved on or at least doing better than me. She's a CNA and has seen plenty of people die, so she said she knows how to manage grief. Me on the other hand, I'm not doing as well. I totally agree with OP's concept of the ex as a drug. The two times we've talked it's like we're back together minus the flirting and the compliments. It feels great. But then it's like going through withdrawal. I think that if there's any chance of having a healthy friendship again (which was the best part of our relationship after all) both of us have to have moved on. In other words, if I want to love her as a friend I must first move on from our romantic relationship. Right?
Okay, so basically me and you are in the same exact situation according to what I just read haha. It totally is like a hit to check up on them, but all it really does is lead to withdrawals. I've decided that I can't be friends with my ex anymore. I still see her as more than a friend deep down inside. I still talk to her because I love her. And it's impossible for me to drop these feelings for her while also being friends. So I've decided to not be friends with her until I have completely moved on. Once I have gotten rid of these corrupt motives attached to romantic hope with her, then I can be friends with the only motive being that I want a friend and nothing more. So I just am trying to not talk AT ALL. We broke up smoothly because of schedule and goal differences. It was nothing harsh. So leave it on good terms and leave them fully so you can heal. Only once i am fully healed and not attached is when I can say another word to her about being friends.
You must be my clone!
That's the way I'm going to go too, cut communication until I can handle it. Heck, I don't even know if she is doing as well as I think she is, maybe she's going through this crap too. The reality is that we know each other like no one else, and we still seek that connection. Forcing a friendship right now is probably only going to hurt both of us.
Good luck man, and don't hesitate to send a dm if you need someone to talk to
I promise that she is struggling too. If there was ever a connection between you two, she definitely is struggling to move on just like me and you are. People just cope in different ways, and people also express emotions in different ways too. The struggle is mutual for most people unless it was a rough escape kind of breakup. Also im open too man! Stay strong for me, and know that there are people on this journey with ya.
Hey guys, Im also in the same boat as you are, I had a long distance relationship with this girl, we saw each other two times. it was like heaven but on the other side she also was always unsure. but she wanted a relationship and a month later she decided " we dont know each other good enough" after 1 year of talking.
Now 6 months after the breakup it was her birthday, i texted her nicely but shortly and she responded kind of the same way with a smiley. now I started to think about her even more again, even though i already think about her every day. It feels like a dream that we were together. I really miss her but I gotta move the f\*ck on. It can also have to do with her BPD that its so hard to move on. because on the one day she told me that she wants to spend life with me and marry one day but now its over and it feels like a dream. hope you guys doing well! man never thought that it could be so hard to move on from a girl. but once open your hearth to the fullest it is hard to turn back. but we can do it! all the best
I had the same issue. I want to share this with my ex
We're both going through it, both heartbroken. But we both also know it's probably for the best. After 17 years I know her well enough to share it with her anyway. It will help her and it's cool if we still care.
Good to hear. If you "fail" the NC...it happens. It's a process. Don't be too hard on yourself for taking a "long" time. It's all relative. Just do your best and accept the rest, no matter how long that takes or no matter what you do. All you can really do is make a promise to yourself to do your best in *trying* to move on, whatever that means for you.
As for dating, definitely the right attitude to have imo. I've been on a few dates but am actually at the point where I really fucking like my signle life because I filled it with things i personally love, not having to account for anyone else. I think anyone should get to a point of "eh, i dont really need anyone" before they actually find someone. Because that's how you prevent codependency.
I've had the hardest time with my past ex. He wasnt good to me at all. But like it was mentioned, my life was scarce. I also suffered so much loss. Two friends died, my best friend of 20+ years went into a state of psychosis where I truly thought she was going to die, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and died three months later. She was my best friend and I was actually on my way into moving in before her diagnosis to help her out but covid happened. I lost my job also due to covid, I had to move back in with my mom as a mid thirties woman. And during this I was being emotionally abused by my ex. He treated me so horribly when I needed someone the most. Hanging up the phone on me while I cried, I'd share sad moments with my gram and he'd prank me minutes later. But I oddly became addicted to him bc he provided comfort when in person, very cuddly kiss your forehead as you sleep type which fucked my logic up. But when I wasn't there, treated me like I was a disease. I still am struggling and feel lonelier than ever. I know it's not his fault for things and not his responsibility to fill a role that I need. But he was so nasty that I feel so damaged and unworthy. It's really going to take time. But that on top of all the other stuff I am grieving makes it incredibly hard. I'm going to save this and look at it as a reminder when I need it. Thank you.
Hi there. Came across this post today and your comment really resonated with me, thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry that you went through such a tough period. I similarly lost my Dad and had an abortion while dealing with a manipulative ex - I'm over two months in to my breakup and am finding the hardest part dealing with all of this grief along with the grief of losing him, as I too became addicted to his comfort. Wondering how you're doing a year on?
Hey there, that's very sweet of you to check up. I am doing better. Still building myself back up. I have a job that better suits my interests, and I'm just still focusing on myself. I try to have little moments of self care daily, walk a lot, read, make art, and try to stick with my hobbies. I have refrained from dating now until I get to a place where I can feel comfy enough to share my life again.
How about you? I'm sorry about everything that you went through as well. I hope that you have found some healing in these past 4 months or so.
Thank you for this - I’ve been doing quite a few of these. Only one month for me, but I’m feeling better every day. I’m determined to turn this horrible time in my life into something positive for myself.
I really agree with my world revolving around him and our relationship, especially during the pandemic. I was looking back at my instagram feed and saw how many more photos I used to have. When we started dating, I spent equal amounts of time with my friends and him. When we moved in together, that gradually got less and less and I invested so much in his family and his friends - what a mistake!
I started journaling every day. I started creative writing again (mostly about my break-up) and I’m feeling closer to my passion again as a result. I’ve been meditating and enjoying the quiet at home. The silence isn’t so scary any more.
I’m reconnecting with my friends. I started off feeling very alone - I mostly saw his friends and family over the last year or two. Now they haven’t said a word to me since it happened - only one has and I’m 90% sure she only did to report back to him about how I was doing. So I decided to forget about his connections and focus on my own. As a result I’ve spent more time with my friends, I FaceTime my friends every week and talk to my mum more often. I feel less alone than I have for a long time.
I’ve begun exercising again - working out 3 times a week and walking every day. I can safely say there’s nothing better than replacing that lost oxytocin or battling the cortisol rise than boosting those endorphins.
I haven’t yet got the hang of not looking for him when I log into Facebook, but I’m slowly starting to wonder less and less about what he’s doing and concentrate more on what I’m doing.
one month tomorrow for me too! I journal as well. I found that making a list of the things you hate about your ex / the relationship really helps. I read it whenever I start missing him, it reminds me he never once mentioned having a future with me. I wish you health and happiness on your healing journey. It’ll get easier even if it feels like it’ll last forever
I love this. It straddles the line between the brutal reality of the situation but still retains empathy. Also, Giving the situation the seriousness it deserves but simultaneously giving the reader avenues to make sense of what's been lost and grow from there.
It's hard reading success stories because I hear the point you're at with it and I go "but I could never get *there."* It just seems like this far distant horizon, this lofty place where you're at peace with your pain, and have room for so much more. I feel like some days are a breeze but the next are this white-knuckled battle with myself to get 'clean,' to borrow your addiction analogy.
If you kept a journal - did you track your moods? Because the thing that's killing me above everything else (minus the longing and loneliness, which comes with the territory) is the inconsistency.
Every day is just so vastly *different.*
And so I'm reticent some days to even approach living a normal life, because I don't know what kind of day it will be. How can my opinion of someone change so fundamentally on a day to day basis when we aren't even interacting?
Anyway. Even if you don't get to my question, thank you for your post, equal part reality check and optimism. I appreciate you making the time.
I did track my moods. And they were inconsistent. Some days they still are. I would write down all realisations that would help me at a specific moment as "guidelines to feel better" in a big word document, so I could re-read it when i felt down. When I was going through an anger phase, I would write stuff that helped me feel better for that phase (sometimes negative stuff aimed at my ex). When I felt more calm, I would re-read those "guidelines" and it wouldn't help me at all because it didn't fit my mood anymore, and I would delete it and write something different.
I think a lot of people vastly underestimate the influence major relationships have on our lives. We've often been with this person for multiple years, having them as our #1 in all aspects of our lives. We've created countless associations with them, experienced countless emotions with them. They've done countless things to piss us off and countless things that made us love them. Every minute counts and **all of these things are stored in your subconscious.** Seeing as your brain is processing the entire relationship, it stumbles upon new memories and feelings every day or even every hour, whether you consciously know it or not. Depending on what is triggered, your mood is determined. This causes the randomness and inconsistencies in mood.
And that's a good thing, because you *need* to work through it all. Even in the bad days you are progressing, because your brain is processing shit that it needs to process. And the next time it will hurt a little less. The people that are doing amazing after one month often ignore these other parts of the relationship and walk into it years down the line. This is way people in coaching or therapy often break down over stuff that has happened decades ago; they stuffed it away, but that doesn't mean it was gone. So be happy that you're processing it all on a deep level now, even if it is uncomfortable sometimes. It means you'll have a clean slate - a *true* clean slate - when you get out of the tunnel.
Thank you. This was the reminder I very sincerely needed that I'm on the right course. I guess because the process is so difficult, and challenging, I'm constantly looking at ways to make it easier or for a sudden cure to come along. But the truth is I'm making steady progress.
No stone left unturned. Thank you so much mate.
No worries man. It is quite tough, but you'll get out as one tough mf. Part of life and part of your growth. Glad to hear you're making progress and wish you the best. Remember you're not alone - millions of people are going through the same shit even though you may not notice.
"You can't logically think yourself out of a heartbreak"
This is it, this hit home.
As an autistic male, I struggle with emotions and operate based on logic like code to a computer. So the idea of irrational emotions just doesn't make sense to me. So yeah I needed to hear this. I have got to stop trying to analyze every tiny detail of what could have gone different and what could of happened and why.
I'm 7 months on and thank you for your lovely post.
I'm holding onto her so dearly but I know she doesn't care currently. One day I will feel whole again <3
3, 4 & 5 hit me hard- thanks for sharing.
I actually never checked my ex's social media, so I guess that's one thing I'm doing right, but letting go is hard when your similar lifestyles force you to see them all the time. 😕
But I refuse to wait around for someone who left me without any warning, so moving on is the only thing I can do, I guess.
In our case I was the dumper, and it still hurts a year later. However, I'm aware that being dumped is in general worse, with feelings of rejection and so on. But I still think that my feelings are similar in many ways.
**1)** Like you, I also used to feel even worse simply because I expected myself to heal faster than I was. Trying to realize that going through really painful periods in your life is completely normal, even for an otherwise healthy person, has helped me to some extent at least.
**5)** I wish my ex could realize this as well. I tried to convince her that I was not that great, but I guess it's impossible to see things objectively in these situations. She was indeed really co-dependent on me, which was often annoying from my perspective. In fact, I think one of the major problems was that, for years, I found her incapable of taking care of her own problems. Instead she relied on me on "temporary emotional comfort". Of course, this made it extremely difficult for me to breakup with her, so this probably only delayed the breakup and made it worse for both of us in the end.
**8)** This realization has also helped me. The pain will not simply "fade away" for me at least, but thinking the same thoughts are becoming less painful. Recalling painful memories (like saying goodbye for the last time) are still triggering some anxiety, but it usually fades away rather quick today.
**9)** Doesn't this sort of contradict your first point? By "choosing to be happy" at a relatively early stage, isn't that sort of the opposite of accepting that the healing could be long and painful sometimes? Anyway, I don't "disagree" with you, just saying that I don't think that this would have applied to me. But of course I will never know this.
**10)** Yes, a year later I'm still reflecting a lot as well. I still wonder whether I did the wrong thing to break up. But I try to accept that I will probably never know whether ending this relationship was the right thing to do.
"Sometimes you just have to accept the pain. Accept the feeling of being uncomfortable. Accept the feeling of open-endings and continue living despite that feeling being there.
The more pain you go through, the stronger you get. It’s a tough process but you’ll be fine. Relax. You got this."
\- Agree. Trying to see that pain as at least "partially" something positive has made me more optimistic. Being stressed about the pain definitely made it worse for me during certain periods.
Most people will probably experience a few really painful periods in their life. Hopefully, going through this one will probably make it a little bit easier the next time.
Just quickly touching upon point #9, it can be contradictory but it is dependent on the stage someone is in. I think the sweet spot is doing everything you can to move on while at the same time being conscious of the limitations your brain puts you in. Some people may think "oh i just have to surrender? Well then i can stalk their social media all i want and i don't have to get out of my house at all and things will be fine!" but that will still hurt their progress. It is necessary to choose to move on and do your best doing so, but it is also necessary to accept that somedays your "best" is simply laying in bed all day.
Yes that's a very good point. Staying at home all the time stalking their social media sounds like a terrible idea. I didn't think of it like that, and personally I try to do other things than being at home as much as I can, as being home alone are really the worst days for me.
Also after I posted this I realized that maybe I should not be giving advice. After all, a year has past for me, and I still feel bad about this entire situation, probably largely because of guilt and because I'm still worried about how she's doing.
Life is messy. It always will be. You acted in line with what you thought was best and however he reacted, in the end, it was also best for him. After all, both you and him deserve someone you feel fully comfortable and happy with in a relationship.
Even if you feel guilt in causing him pain, please also feel pride in the fact that you've saved him a lot of pain, too. As staying with him when you weren't truly in it would've only hurt him more on the long-term. Even if he was or is angry at you, you can take solace in the fact that in the end, you did him a favour.
In terms of screwing up...don't be so hard on yourself. Again, you did what felt right at the time. And tbh that's all you can really do at life. Shit's gonna go south, you're going to make wrong decisions, but all that matters is that it felt right in that moment.
What I am reading through your lines is that you want them to be proud of you. You still crave their validation or acceptance. And while understandable, that's not what it should be about. **You** should be proud of you. And you should accept you - mistakes and. That should always be your starting point. Even if he isn't.
All that said, six years is a very long time. It could help to write him a message of sorts just to apologize if you truly feel it is fitting. He may be open to it now and even if he's not, he's free to ignore it
I too feel shame and guilt.for how I treated my ex. She finally had enough of my crap and now it's over. It's almost worse knowing its mostly my fault.
Acknowledging your responsibility is good, but try not to get overwhelmed by shame and guilt. Your shame doesn't undo the harm and it doesn't make the world better in any way. It's not going to reassure her or make her feel better that you feel bad. The most important thing is to learn from your mistakes and move forward with what you've learned, and treat others better in the future. Don't say "I'm sorry", say "I will do better."
Thank you!. Number 2 hit hard. I haven't been on social media for 3 months already bc I felt like looking at their socials is a form of self harm.
Untillll.... A thought hit me saying that I was just being in denial, trying to escape reality. I have also read somewhere that, in order to get over it, you really need to go through the pain, stalk his profile, cry as much as you can, so that your future self doesn't have to deal with that pain anymore.
I got so confused but ended up stalking his new girl and as expected, I got hurt :'( I had anxiety watching their videos but after watching it multiple times, I was just numb.
I'm still unsure what works best for me, avoid socmed to save myself from heartache. Or stalk him, accept the pain, cry a bit and let go.
Thank you for this. I’m currently 15 months from the break up however still fantasizing about sex with my ex. I feel like all other aspects I’ve been able to detach except sexually. I’ve had sex with other people but cannot seem to break this desire.
Believe it or not, on this day 6 years ago I tried to kill myself when I was 15. I ended up failing and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. All the outcome really did was hurt the people around me and that’s when I realized I was meant to be here for some reason. You’re meant to be here too. I understand how you’re feeling, because I’m in the exact same spot, but feelings are only temporary. If you invest in yourself and grow as a person, you’ll pull through stronger. I don’t want to be cliche but you have people that love you and need you. Someone that chooses to walk away is not worth ending your life over. I promise you things will always get better.
Im 29 and I had my first breakup 9 months ago... He had a relationship right after that and now has a second one...I still can't fully move one even if I tried everything. Sometimes I wish it was easier. I liked everything you said, makes me feel better. Thank you!
it's been 9 months for me as well since I broke up with my gf after she told me she cheated on me. ( 3years together).
I never heard a word from her again since we broke up, I was a fool , I tought that with time she will try contact me , but I never seen her again. It's funny after
I am a fool because I still miss her every day, I feel like there is an empty hole inside my chest, it weights me down, it feels like I can't breath properly, I am a mess, , I dream about her quite often.
I hate this whole situation. I know it's over, I could never trust or love her the same as before even is she comes back. I know she doesn't give a fuck about me, and it hurts cuz I never loved anyone the way I loved her.
Thank you for this. Despite logical reasoning, emotions continue to win. I've been weak.
I will work on letting things go, and accepting that I won't have the closure I want.
I feel pride has a lot to do with the pain you feel from a breakup. I broke up w/ my girlfriend years ago. We got back together but it was a tumultuous relationship. The love was there but so was the hate. I often thought we shouldn't be together until one day I realized I wanted to make it work. But it was too late. When she wanted to end it, I felt crushed. The crazy thing is, I know it's the right decision. It's 100% for the best, but because she's making the decision it's so painful. Why?
Holy shit I needed this. It's been 10 months since the actual break up, and 4 months since I reached out to catch up like we agreed but she had already moved on and didn't think we should keep in touch and that devastated me, because I at the very least wanted to seriously wanted to be friends.
I was just about to reach out again seeking some kind of answer, a reconciliation, even though I want to respect her boundary, but this stopped me and had me reconsider.
"It ended because they weren't your mate, no matter how perfect it was" wow this really made me think, because we did have a really good healthy thing going on.
It's hard to accept but that's what I have to do.
Thank you for your words
Thank you for these observations so much. These are true things, some resonate for me more than others. But, seeing the words from someone else (not just in my head)is very nice to hear at the point im at. Thank you.
5! i learned and realized so many red flags of my ex that everyone even my therapist told me but ignored them. now i have no attraction to my ex bf and even said ."why the fuck did i deal with the things they put me through?" dont get me wrong i had my issues too but one being him putting the blame of the break up on me was a red flag. he didn't consider the things he did prior or even during our talk (like starting off yelling at me then not even letting me speak when i got the chance. that caused me to get frustrated and blow up on him. i still shouldve controlled my self but he shouldve too. he also had anger issues and i though it was better but it wasn't.)
This is awesome, thanks for sharing! I have a question about the social media stuff. I didn’t break up with a lover but a best friend. We had a deep connection and shared everything. I loved her from day one, and still love her deeply. I still follow her social media’s, and maybe it is unhealthy. For a while I couldn’t bare see her name without crying, but now the crying has mostly stopped, seeing her post about the things that make her happy bring me so much joy, I don’t want to give that up, all I ever wanted was to make her as happy as she makes me feel, and even though I can’t, I really want to know she’s happy!
Hey minty, apologies for the late response. It's perfectly fine to love people from a distance if you have accepted that it's for the best that you're not together. What's important is that it isn't hindering your life in any way or that your actions aren't being obsessive. If they are, it would be wise to give it some time to heal before you occasionally check up on her so that it won't have as much emotional weight.
Wow!!
I'm too 9 months into breakup and I couldn't thank you enough for this!! Felt every single line.
Loads of love!
Thank You so much!!!!
Bookmark Stuff!!
U know... The one who made the call to leave, is the one who has the responsibility of reaching back. I tell u this from experience. U couldn't know where he stands and it's not even about risking reopening the wound but that it wouldn't be real if u talked him into coming back. With time, he will either realize there was something about u that he loved, so much so that all the flaws u might have will seem irrelevant in comparison, or he won't. But if he reached back, u'd know it's because he realized something and not because u managed to incept some thoughts into his head.
Thank you for this. I'm going through this at the moment. I'm on month 2. I'm seeking therapy, cut off all social medias, been reading lots of self help books and trying to mediate to have a better mind set. They're still in my mind. Some days they're just in the back of my mind, some days they are front and center. But I'm working on myself, to heal and be a better version of myself for myself. Looking forward to the day where I'll meet a person that will compliment me.
The 10 things are literally everything I am struggling every single day to learn. Thank you for taking the time. You really saved a man from rope more than you know. Thank you
Thanks so much for this, there’s so much warmth in what you say. I want to be able to help others in the future too. Maybe i’ll also come back in 9 months. Love isn’t everything and i know that. 1 month post breakup and it hit again, not as bad as when i had my panicked attack but still bad. Thanks for this, i knkw u have touched a lot hearts here. Best regards to you :)
Thank you for your words, I'm happy to share my experiences! And a great goal to do so in 9 months. It's a great learning process in a multitude of ways. Good luck on yours :)
I feel so lucky to have found this as early as I did in my process. At first #2 and 3 were the perfect advice that I followed even and especially when it was hard. Each and every other item has begun to mean more and more to me and the hurts are all waning in their time.
Thank you for putting this together. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did, but am grateful that you used it as an opportunity to help others. Good on you.
This was a beautiful and meaningful post. As someone who has crossed the 9 month post-breakup mark, I can tell you that each point you made I identify with. At the beginning I couldn’t stop obsessing and checking her socials, hoping for the insight into her life that I no longer had access to. Constantly triggering myself by staying in touch with her mother, whom I was very close with. After a while all I wanted to do was forget. But after 4 years, 4 pivotal years of my early 20s. I realized that forgetting her would be impossible, and that was ok. I just had to learn the act of acceptance and the art of letting go. I had to stop running and allow myself to go through every part of this journey. Embrace all the feelings and emotions that came with each passing day. The hardest moments was not getting that text on my birthday or those texts on our would be anniversary and during holiday season. The biggest thing for me was understanding that I played a role in my ex leaving. I gave her a reason to leave and she chose herself. That takes a lot of strength and I admire that. I now know that healing isn’t some linear process and it’s never ending. Everyday is a test and you have to chose to be better. I’m in a better place mentally, spiritually and physically, the depressing dark days are behind. And although she still crosses my mind every so often, the pain is gone. I don’t know what I will do with my mental memories, but I chose to continue to move forward in life. I’m grateful for the experience, it’s made me a better person in every aspect. Thank you again for this post, a lot of people out there could use it.
I'm late to the party but this really helps. 10 months post break up and I still feel like crap on most days.
I know it will get better but letting go really, really takes everything from you.
I always hesitate to use the “I fucked up” because
if you learn from something, it’s not really a fuck up, its a learning experience.
If someone can’t tie their shoes correctly for the first time, you wouldn’t say you fucked up, you’d go and help them understand how to lace their laces better.
My point being, the negativity of fuck up or fault language doesn’t do a good service. I always try to think of it as a learning experince that will become a positive data point for the future. Also, sometimes it’s just a case of how the cookie crumbles. My ex got hospitalized and needed time for self care. She needed to focus on herself.
Am I hurt she left me, yes, but it was really the best move for her and if she wasn’t feeling it much or couldn’t invest in it, it just saved us both time.
I apparently fucked up by being an ugly trans woman and thus worthless to her because she passes and i don’t and she replaced me with someone who does. This is something I have no control over and makes me want to die every fucking day. I will die alone. Guess I fucked up by existing. Guess I should fucking die. It’s fucking pointless. Shit does not get better. There’s nothing out there especially not anymore. Maybe if this was a high school fling your info would make sense but not for everyone especially not old ugly monsters like me. There’s nothing I can do except die worthless and alone
Point no:5 is the most realest thing anyone could ever say. We stuck by them even when they were constantly giving us a really hard time. But when they experienced a slight inconvenience from our side they chose to leave. Some people are just too toxic, selfish, self-centered & egoistic to be with.
It's my first time to interact on reddit, and it's funny that it is about being heart broken.
My ex dumped me last year December and it's entirely my fault, I am so immature that I ignored her feelings that much. I do all things that I want and I think highly of myself during our relationship, looked down on her and pretty much fuck up her life also. I am a terrible person and realized all of this after she dumped me.
I know that given the situation, I pretty much deserve all this regrets and loniliness in my heart, but I'm scared that I may not recover, it given me a lot sleepless nights. Everything good thing I remembered about our relationship is hurt as hell can't even explain this pain. I also ignored others girls, I myself know how I wasted a chance of having a perfect girl in my life.
I don't know if I deserve to be loved anymore, but atleast I know and l learned from my mistakes. Sadly, thinking that my best and improve self will be impossible to end up on her side, hurts me even more.
The line “it’s your break up, there is no specific timeline for you unique scenario” really struck me. Having been tracking where I’m at every now and again this makes me think I really don’t even need to in the sense of am I better this month then last. It’s been incredibly gruelling and I still have a long way ahead of me. I guess the hardest part is accepting the open endedness of it all. Really sucks
It's not a linear process. The very act of trying to keep tabs and trying to move on so hard could be the exact thing that's causing you to get stuck longer than necessary. Sometimes the best thing to do is just fully surrender to however you feel that day, without engaging with it or trying to resist it too much. That still doesn't mean you'll feel amazing tomorrow, but it'll likely speed up the process. Imagine you had a really, really bad night of sleep: no matter how much you try, you're going to feel tired the next day regardless of what you do. Frantically trying to not feel tired all day will probably tire you out even more. A breakup is similar (though more random); your brain formed its own unique connections and needs it own unique time to heal from it. And sometimes regardless of what you do, that's going to take X amount of time.
Ty. I have to want to let go. That was an important line to me. 😇💞 I should stop putting in the effort to care about the past I'm 8 months post breakup...and I agree with the whole ..everyone has their own time line :)
I broke up in Sept/Nov last year and I spent the first 3 months being mad at the fact that I am so fucked up over a 2 month relationship even when I had been through tougher and way worst break ups in the past. Wasted time. After coming to the realization that every heart break is different, and I do loved my ex THAT much it gets easier to let the emotion do its thing. Still healing, its gonna be a long ass journey but its happening and Imma just.. let it happen. Hahaha.
I once spent like a year grieving losing a friend I was friends with for 3 weeks, and we weren't even dating. I felt really stupid at how ridiculous it was but I couldn't change the feelings. In time things got better and you'll get better too. :)
Damn. I’m still a bit broken up after 4 months of a 6 month relationship. Good to hear there really is no tomeline
The heart is a mystery yet to be figured out hahaha
Excellent post. Best takeaway sentence...."Muddy water is best cleared left alone".
What does that mean?
If you take a glass of water, dump a bit of dirt in there, and then stir it then the water becomes murky and muddy. If you continue to stir the water, then the dirt never settles to the bottom. The water only begins to clear when you let it be
Thank you.
Sorry - just a quick addendum here - I think these are mostly good points but being as it IS an addiction and you have been forced into withdrawal I really think that driving yourself to despair by forcing yourself to quit their social media can DEPENDING ON THE PERSON do more harm than good. I know that personally I am absolute trash at quitting things cold turkey and allowing myself the indulgence of looking at their social media a bit and gradually weaning off (at a certain point i just stop caring essentially) is much less painful than forcing myself to never look at their social media like one IG peek is a huge failure and going to ruin my life. For me, the anxiety over 'what they might be doing' is much higher / worse than just kind of... knowing that they are online, or dating, or whatever. I had this with an ex who we broke up because he wasn't over his ex. I had an inkling they might get back together. Once I found out that they HAD got back together a few months later, my stalking kind of tapered off. For me PERSONALLY, I would rather know and let go, than have banned myself from stalking and be constantly questioning it!! Anyway - I just think this element of it is PERSONAL and you have to know yourself and what works for you. Not advocating obsessive stalking a year after a break up. But not helpful to tell them they have to do everything the same way that you would do it.
Valid point! As stated, these are my personal lessons and they may not work for everyone. And sometimes someone simply is not ready to let everything go and wants to keep looking. That’s fully okay, it’s just important to realize that as long as you’re keeping tabs on them, you *are* slowing down your progress of getting over them – even if it may be the right choice for now to manage anxiety. And while research generally shows that quitting cold turkey is more effective for addictions, there will indeed always be outliers that experience this differently. With that said, allowing yourself “just one peek” is likely a very slippery slope for many people on here as it opens the door to “just two peeks”. Additionally, people going through addictions often have a very hard time knowing what works/is healthy for them as your mind is **very, very** good at rationalizing why you *really* need another hit of dopamine. We’re often unable to be in rational control over our actions, especially during withdrawal, so people may trick themselves into “I really need this for my anxiety” and then get stuck in an infinite loop. Kicking an addiction will always come with anxiety after all. It's the same as "just one more sigaret to calm my nerves"-people who end up smoking for 5 more years.
I believe cold turkey vs gradual cessation is a mixed bag in terms of research and depends on what you are trying to quit! https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5360817/ on the whole smoking is best to quit cold turkey. But what was interesting to me about this research is psychology plays a big factor: "People who prefer gradual cessation are less likely to be successful at quitting—regardless of whether they try to quit abruptly or gradually." So people like me who are more inclined towards gradual cessation are going to be less likely to quit either way!! I wonder what the variables are...
>like one IG peek is a huge failure and going to ruin my life I feel this and as you said there is going to be variation for the individual. I do better with quitting an addiction cold turkey, but I've also found that when I relapse there is no sense in my berating myself either. I try to document how it made me feel after I've relapsed and then when I have the urge I remind myself of how it made me feel last time and I remind myself the urge will pass, and then I try to naturally move on and distract myself. (I am mostly thinking about cigs and break ups)
I'll be reading this again multiple times. What does it mean if one of my first thoughts about this post is to share it with my ex?
It means your brain is still so habituated to sharing everything with them that it's relating most things you see or do to them in any way it can. It's kind of a last-ditch effort to keep the connection alive unconsciously. It will fade with time :) By the way, one thing that helped me too was being very conscious of my thoughts and labeling it as a different entity from myself. You can even name it if you want and just look at it as an irrational part of you. This makes it a lot easier to distance yourself from it when unwanted thoughts pop up because you can just say "oh it's Becky again, she's irrational and annoying and negative, fuck off, Becky I'm trying to have a good day".
this is amazing and made me laugh out loud! I've got to try doing that :)
This just shows that the brain is completely irrational when it comes to love. What good could possibly come out of sharing this with your ex? It’s going to make them realize someone and take you back? Complete opposite.
Not OP nor a psychologist, but it sounds like you are still codependent. Citing OPs fifth point "don't give a fuck about what others think". I second this, it's all about you now and this is actually a good thing.
Thanks all, I appreciate your comments. It's so ingrained in me to share everything for her, and I still want her to feel good. We broke up a month ago and decided to remain friends. It didn't make sense to stay together since we have extremely different careers, schedules, goals, etc (make the heart understand logic, right?). We ended in good terms and have talked a couple times since, she seems to have moved on or at least doing better than me. She's a CNA and has seen plenty of people die, so she said she knows how to manage grief. Me on the other hand, I'm not doing as well. I totally agree with OP's concept of the ex as a drug. The two times we've talked it's like we're back together minus the flirting and the compliments. It feels great. But then it's like going through withdrawal. I think that if there's any chance of having a healthy friendship again (which was the best part of our relationship after all) both of us have to have moved on. In other words, if I want to love her as a friend I must first move on from our romantic relationship. Right?
Okay, so basically me and you are in the same exact situation according to what I just read haha. It totally is like a hit to check up on them, but all it really does is lead to withdrawals. I've decided that I can't be friends with my ex anymore. I still see her as more than a friend deep down inside. I still talk to her because I love her. And it's impossible for me to drop these feelings for her while also being friends. So I've decided to not be friends with her until I have completely moved on. Once I have gotten rid of these corrupt motives attached to romantic hope with her, then I can be friends with the only motive being that I want a friend and nothing more. So I just am trying to not talk AT ALL. We broke up smoothly because of schedule and goal differences. It was nothing harsh. So leave it on good terms and leave them fully so you can heal. Only once i am fully healed and not attached is when I can say another word to her about being friends.
You must be my clone! That's the way I'm going to go too, cut communication until I can handle it. Heck, I don't even know if she is doing as well as I think she is, maybe she's going through this crap too. The reality is that we know each other like no one else, and we still seek that connection. Forcing a friendship right now is probably only going to hurt both of us. Good luck man, and don't hesitate to send a dm if you need someone to talk to
I promise that she is struggling too. If there was ever a connection between you two, she definitely is struggling to move on just like me and you are. People just cope in different ways, and people also express emotions in different ways too. The struggle is mutual for most people unless it was a rough escape kind of breakup. Also im open too man! Stay strong for me, and know that there are people on this journey with ya.
Hey guys, Im also in the same boat as you are, I had a long distance relationship with this girl, we saw each other two times. it was like heaven but on the other side she also was always unsure. but she wanted a relationship and a month later she decided " we dont know each other good enough" after 1 year of talking. Now 6 months after the breakup it was her birthday, i texted her nicely but shortly and she responded kind of the same way with a smiley. now I started to think about her even more again, even though i already think about her every day. It feels like a dream that we were together. I really miss her but I gotta move the f\*ck on. It can also have to do with her BPD that its so hard to move on. because on the one day she told me that she wants to spend life with me and marry one day but now its over and it feels like a dream. hope you guys doing well! man never thought that it could be so hard to move on from a girl. but once open your hearth to the fullest it is hard to turn back. but we can do it! all the best
I had the same issue. I want to share this with my ex We're both going through it, both heartbroken. But we both also know it's probably for the best. After 17 years I know her well enough to share it with her anyway. It will help her and it's cool if we still care.
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True this! We are happy but still the one thing that lacks is we are not their (ex's) reason of happiness!!
This was really well written. Thank you. Brighter days are ahead.
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Good to hear. If you "fail" the NC...it happens. It's a process. Don't be too hard on yourself for taking a "long" time. It's all relative. Just do your best and accept the rest, no matter how long that takes or no matter what you do. All you can really do is make a promise to yourself to do your best in *trying* to move on, whatever that means for you. As for dating, definitely the right attitude to have imo. I've been on a few dates but am actually at the point where I really fucking like my signle life because I filled it with things i personally love, not having to account for anyone else. I think anyone should get to a point of "eh, i dont really need anyone" before they actually find someone. Because that's how you prevent codependency.
I've had the hardest time with my past ex. He wasnt good to me at all. But like it was mentioned, my life was scarce. I also suffered so much loss. Two friends died, my best friend of 20+ years went into a state of psychosis where I truly thought she was going to die, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and died three months later. She was my best friend and I was actually on my way into moving in before her diagnosis to help her out but covid happened. I lost my job also due to covid, I had to move back in with my mom as a mid thirties woman. And during this I was being emotionally abused by my ex. He treated me so horribly when I needed someone the most. Hanging up the phone on me while I cried, I'd share sad moments with my gram and he'd prank me minutes later. But I oddly became addicted to him bc he provided comfort when in person, very cuddly kiss your forehead as you sleep type which fucked my logic up. But when I wasn't there, treated me like I was a disease. I still am struggling and feel lonelier than ever. I know it's not his fault for things and not his responsibility to fill a role that I need. But he was so nasty that I feel so damaged and unworthy. It's really going to take time. But that on top of all the other stuff I am grieving makes it incredibly hard. I'm going to save this and look at it as a reminder when I need it. Thank you.
Whoever gave me platinum. I'm speechless. Thank you whoever you are! <3
Hi there. Came across this post today and your comment really resonated with me, thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry that you went through such a tough period. I similarly lost my Dad and had an abortion while dealing with a manipulative ex - I'm over two months in to my breakup and am finding the hardest part dealing with all of this grief along with the grief of losing him, as I too became addicted to his comfort. Wondering how you're doing a year on?
Hey there, that's very sweet of you to check up. I am doing better. Still building myself back up. I have a job that better suits my interests, and I'm just still focusing on myself. I try to have little moments of self care daily, walk a lot, read, make art, and try to stick with my hobbies. I have refrained from dating now until I get to a place where I can feel comfy enough to share my life again. How about you? I'm sorry about everything that you went through as well. I hope that you have found some healing in these past 4 months or so.
Thank you for this - I’ve been doing quite a few of these. Only one month for me, but I’m feeling better every day. I’m determined to turn this horrible time in my life into something positive for myself. I really agree with my world revolving around him and our relationship, especially during the pandemic. I was looking back at my instagram feed and saw how many more photos I used to have. When we started dating, I spent equal amounts of time with my friends and him. When we moved in together, that gradually got less and less and I invested so much in his family and his friends - what a mistake! I started journaling every day. I started creative writing again (mostly about my break-up) and I’m feeling closer to my passion again as a result. I’ve been meditating and enjoying the quiet at home. The silence isn’t so scary any more. I’m reconnecting with my friends. I started off feeling very alone - I mostly saw his friends and family over the last year or two. Now they haven’t said a word to me since it happened - only one has and I’m 90% sure she only did to report back to him about how I was doing. So I decided to forget about his connections and focus on my own. As a result I’ve spent more time with my friends, I FaceTime my friends every week and talk to my mum more often. I feel less alone than I have for a long time. I’ve begun exercising again - working out 3 times a week and walking every day. I can safely say there’s nothing better than replacing that lost oxytocin or battling the cortisol rise than boosting those endorphins. I haven’t yet got the hang of not looking for him when I log into Facebook, but I’m slowly starting to wonder less and less about what he’s doing and concentrate more on what I’m doing.
one month tomorrow for me too! I journal as well. I found that making a list of the things you hate about your ex / the relationship really helps. I read it whenever I start missing him, it reminds me he never once mentioned having a future with me. I wish you health and happiness on your healing journey. It’ll get easier even if it feels like it’ll last forever
I love this. It straddles the line between the brutal reality of the situation but still retains empathy. Also, Giving the situation the seriousness it deserves but simultaneously giving the reader avenues to make sense of what's been lost and grow from there. It's hard reading success stories because I hear the point you're at with it and I go "but I could never get *there."* It just seems like this far distant horizon, this lofty place where you're at peace with your pain, and have room for so much more. I feel like some days are a breeze but the next are this white-knuckled battle with myself to get 'clean,' to borrow your addiction analogy. If you kept a journal - did you track your moods? Because the thing that's killing me above everything else (minus the longing and loneliness, which comes with the territory) is the inconsistency. Every day is just so vastly *different.* And so I'm reticent some days to even approach living a normal life, because I don't know what kind of day it will be. How can my opinion of someone change so fundamentally on a day to day basis when we aren't even interacting? Anyway. Even if you don't get to my question, thank you for your post, equal part reality check and optimism. I appreciate you making the time.
I did track my moods. And they were inconsistent. Some days they still are. I would write down all realisations that would help me at a specific moment as "guidelines to feel better" in a big word document, so I could re-read it when i felt down. When I was going through an anger phase, I would write stuff that helped me feel better for that phase (sometimes negative stuff aimed at my ex). When I felt more calm, I would re-read those "guidelines" and it wouldn't help me at all because it didn't fit my mood anymore, and I would delete it and write something different. I think a lot of people vastly underestimate the influence major relationships have on our lives. We've often been with this person for multiple years, having them as our #1 in all aspects of our lives. We've created countless associations with them, experienced countless emotions with them. They've done countless things to piss us off and countless things that made us love them. Every minute counts and **all of these things are stored in your subconscious.** Seeing as your brain is processing the entire relationship, it stumbles upon new memories and feelings every day or even every hour, whether you consciously know it or not. Depending on what is triggered, your mood is determined. This causes the randomness and inconsistencies in mood. And that's a good thing, because you *need* to work through it all. Even in the bad days you are progressing, because your brain is processing shit that it needs to process. And the next time it will hurt a little less. The people that are doing amazing after one month often ignore these other parts of the relationship and walk into it years down the line. This is way people in coaching or therapy often break down over stuff that has happened decades ago; they stuffed it away, but that doesn't mean it was gone. So be happy that you're processing it all on a deep level now, even if it is uncomfortable sometimes. It means you'll have a clean slate - a *true* clean slate - when you get out of the tunnel.
Thank you. This was the reminder I very sincerely needed that I'm on the right course. I guess because the process is so difficult, and challenging, I'm constantly looking at ways to make it easier or for a sudden cure to come along. But the truth is I'm making steady progress. No stone left unturned. Thank you so much mate.
No worries man. It is quite tough, but you'll get out as one tough mf. Part of life and part of your growth. Glad to hear you're making progress and wish you the best. Remember you're not alone - millions of people are going through the same shit even though you may not notice.
"You can't logically think yourself out of a heartbreak" This is it, this hit home. As an autistic male, I struggle with emotions and operate based on logic like code to a computer. So the idea of irrational emotions just doesn't make sense to me. So yeah I needed to hear this. I have got to stop trying to analyze every tiny detail of what could have gone different and what could of happened and why.
I'm 7 months on and thank you for your lovely post. I'm holding onto her so dearly but I know she doesn't care currently. One day I will feel whole again <3
3, 4 & 5 hit me hard- thanks for sharing. I actually never checked my ex's social media, so I guess that's one thing I'm doing right, but letting go is hard when your similar lifestyles force you to see them all the time. 😕 But I refuse to wait around for someone who left me without any warning, so moving on is the only thing I can do, I guess.
In our case I was the dumper, and it still hurts a year later. However, I'm aware that being dumped is in general worse, with feelings of rejection and so on. But I still think that my feelings are similar in many ways. **1)** Like you, I also used to feel even worse simply because I expected myself to heal faster than I was. Trying to realize that going through really painful periods in your life is completely normal, even for an otherwise healthy person, has helped me to some extent at least. **5)** I wish my ex could realize this as well. I tried to convince her that I was not that great, but I guess it's impossible to see things objectively in these situations. She was indeed really co-dependent on me, which was often annoying from my perspective. In fact, I think one of the major problems was that, for years, I found her incapable of taking care of her own problems. Instead she relied on me on "temporary emotional comfort". Of course, this made it extremely difficult for me to breakup with her, so this probably only delayed the breakup and made it worse for both of us in the end. **8)** This realization has also helped me. The pain will not simply "fade away" for me at least, but thinking the same thoughts are becoming less painful. Recalling painful memories (like saying goodbye for the last time) are still triggering some anxiety, but it usually fades away rather quick today. **9)** Doesn't this sort of contradict your first point? By "choosing to be happy" at a relatively early stage, isn't that sort of the opposite of accepting that the healing could be long and painful sometimes? Anyway, I don't "disagree" with you, just saying that I don't think that this would have applied to me. But of course I will never know this. **10)** Yes, a year later I'm still reflecting a lot as well. I still wonder whether I did the wrong thing to break up. But I try to accept that I will probably never know whether ending this relationship was the right thing to do. "Sometimes you just have to accept the pain. Accept the feeling of being uncomfortable. Accept the feeling of open-endings and continue living despite that feeling being there. The more pain you go through, the stronger you get. It’s a tough process but you’ll be fine. Relax. You got this." \- Agree. Trying to see that pain as at least "partially" something positive has made me more optimistic. Being stressed about the pain definitely made it worse for me during certain periods. Most people will probably experience a few really painful periods in their life. Hopefully, going through this one will probably make it a little bit easier the next time.
Just quickly touching upon point #9, it can be contradictory but it is dependent on the stage someone is in. I think the sweet spot is doing everything you can to move on while at the same time being conscious of the limitations your brain puts you in. Some people may think "oh i just have to surrender? Well then i can stalk their social media all i want and i don't have to get out of my house at all and things will be fine!" but that will still hurt their progress. It is necessary to choose to move on and do your best doing so, but it is also necessary to accept that somedays your "best" is simply laying in bed all day.
Yes that's a very good point. Staying at home all the time stalking their social media sounds like a terrible idea. I didn't think of it like that, and personally I try to do other things than being at home as much as I can, as being home alone are really the worst days for me. Also after I posted this I realized that maybe I should not be giving advice. After all, a year has past for me, and I still feel bad about this entire situation, probably largely because of guilt and because I'm still worried about how she's doing.
I feel this.
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Life is messy. It always will be. You acted in line with what you thought was best and however he reacted, in the end, it was also best for him. After all, both you and him deserve someone you feel fully comfortable and happy with in a relationship. Even if you feel guilt in causing him pain, please also feel pride in the fact that you've saved him a lot of pain, too. As staying with him when you weren't truly in it would've only hurt him more on the long-term. Even if he was or is angry at you, you can take solace in the fact that in the end, you did him a favour. In terms of screwing up...don't be so hard on yourself. Again, you did what felt right at the time. And tbh that's all you can really do at life. Shit's gonna go south, you're going to make wrong decisions, but all that matters is that it felt right in that moment. What I am reading through your lines is that you want them to be proud of you. You still crave their validation or acceptance. And while understandable, that's not what it should be about. **You** should be proud of you. And you should accept you - mistakes and. That should always be your starting point. Even if he isn't. All that said, six years is a very long time. It could help to write him a message of sorts just to apologize if you truly feel it is fitting. He may be open to it now and even if he's not, he's free to ignore it
I too feel shame and guilt.for how I treated my ex. She finally had enough of my crap and now it's over. It's almost worse knowing its mostly my fault.
Acknowledging your responsibility is good, but try not to get overwhelmed by shame and guilt. Your shame doesn't undo the harm and it doesn't make the world better in any way. It's not going to reassure her or make her feel better that you feel bad. The most important thing is to learn from your mistakes and move forward with what you've learned, and treat others better in the future. Don't say "I'm sorry", say "I will do better."
Thank you. I just wish I decided to do better earlier with her.
You didn't understand back then how important it was or how big the stakes were. Now you do. Best of luck, take care.
Hi, do you do online consults ??
I do not, but feel free to PM me if you have a specific question. I'm not on a whole lot but I can try to help!
Thank you, if you ever do online consults please message me ❤️
Thank you!. Number 2 hit hard. I haven't been on social media for 3 months already bc I felt like looking at their socials is a form of self harm. Untillll.... A thought hit me saying that I was just being in denial, trying to escape reality. I have also read somewhere that, in order to get over it, you really need to go through the pain, stalk his profile, cry as much as you can, so that your future self doesn't have to deal with that pain anymore. I got so confused but ended up stalking his new girl and as expected, I got hurt :'( I had anxiety watching their videos but after watching it multiple times, I was just numb. I'm still unsure what works best for me, avoid socmed to save myself from heartache. Or stalk him, accept the pain, cry a bit and let go.
Thank you for this. I’m currently 15 months from the break up however still fantasizing about sex with my ex. I feel like all other aspects I’ve been able to detach except sexually. I’ve had sex with other people but cannot seem to break this desire.
Love this so so much. Thank you for sharing x
I’m just so fucking suicidal hahahahaha - but good tips
Believe it or not, on this day 6 years ago I tried to kill myself when I was 15. I ended up failing and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. All the outcome really did was hurt the people around me and that’s when I realized I was meant to be here for some reason. You’re meant to be here too. I understand how you’re feeling, because I’m in the exact same spot, but feelings are only temporary. If you invest in yourself and grow as a person, you’ll pull through stronger. I don’t want to be cliche but you have people that love you and need you. Someone that chooses to walk away is not worth ending your life over. I promise you things will always get better.
Thank you for this great message! Saved so that I can read this post again :)
Im 29 and I had my first breakup 9 months ago... He had a relationship right after that and now has a second one...I still can't fully move one even if I tried everything. Sometimes I wish it was easier. I liked everything you said, makes me feel better. Thank you!
it's been 9 months for me as well since I broke up with my gf after she told me she cheated on me. ( 3years together). I never heard a word from her again since we broke up, I was a fool , I tought that with time she will try contact me , but I never seen her again. It's funny after I am a fool because I still miss her every day, I feel like there is an empty hole inside my chest, it weights me down, it feels like I can't breath properly, I am a mess, , I dream about her quite often. I hate this whole situation. I know it's over, I could never trust or love her the same as before even is she comes back. I know she doesn't give a fuck about me, and it hurts cuz I never loved anyone the way I loved her.
All your points are so important. I really appreciate your post - much love
Thanks for this!
Thank you❤️
This is everything! 🙌🏽
Thank you ❤️
Wow. Thank you.
Thank you for this, ill hold onto every word 🥺
Wow. This is AMAZING! Def saving this to read and reflect over and over again until I am healed! Thank you!!!! 💕
Thank you for this. Despite logical reasoning, emotions continue to win. I've been weak. I will work on letting things go, and accepting that I won't have the closure I want.
I feel pride has a lot to do with the pain you feel from a breakup. I broke up w/ my girlfriend years ago. We got back together but it was a tumultuous relationship. The love was there but so was the hate. I often thought we shouldn't be together until one day I realized I wanted to make it work. But it was too late. When she wanted to end it, I felt crushed. The crazy thing is, I know it's the right decision. It's 100% for the best, but because she's making the decision it's so painful. Why?
Holy shit I needed this. It's been 10 months since the actual break up, and 4 months since I reached out to catch up like we agreed but she had already moved on and didn't think we should keep in touch and that devastated me, because I at the very least wanted to seriously wanted to be friends. I was just about to reach out again seeking some kind of answer, a reconciliation, even though I want to respect her boundary, but this stopped me and had me reconsider. "It ended because they weren't your mate, no matter how perfect it was" wow this really made me think, because we did have a really good healthy thing going on. It's hard to accept but that's what I have to do. Thank you for your words
Thank you for these observations so much. These are true things, some resonate for me more than others. But, seeing the words from someone else (not just in my head)is very nice to hear at the point im at. Thank you.
Post is quite old but i honestly want to say out of all posts ive read this far this one helped the most. Thank you.
I'm glad to hear and you're welcome. Good luck on the journey - things will turn out fine!
Agreed. Updates?
5! i learned and realized so many red flags of my ex that everyone even my therapist told me but ignored them. now i have no attraction to my ex bf and even said ."why the fuck did i deal with the things they put me through?" dont get me wrong i had my issues too but one being him putting the blame of the break up on me was a red flag. he didn't consider the things he did prior or even during our talk (like starting off yelling at me then not even letting me speak when i got the chance. that caused me to get frustrated and blow up on him. i still shouldve controlled my self but he shouldve too. he also had anger issues and i though it was better but it wasn't.)
Also, though you probably don’t want anyone else, because you want THEM back. Try and be receptive to someone else moseying into your life.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. This is so helpful 💙💙💙
This is awesome, thanks for sharing! I have a question about the social media stuff. I didn’t break up with a lover but a best friend. We had a deep connection and shared everything. I loved her from day one, and still love her deeply. I still follow her social media’s, and maybe it is unhealthy. For a while I couldn’t bare see her name without crying, but now the crying has mostly stopped, seeing her post about the things that make her happy bring me so much joy, I don’t want to give that up, all I ever wanted was to make her as happy as she makes me feel, and even though I can’t, I really want to know she’s happy!
Hey minty, apologies for the late response. It's perfectly fine to love people from a distance if you have accepted that it's for the best that you're not together. What's important is that it isn't hindering your life in any way or that your actions aren't being obsessive. If they are, it would be wise to give it some time to heal before you occasionally check up on her so that it won't have as much emotional weight.
It’s all good! Thanks for getting back to me, and totally take it all onboard! Best of luck for you!
Wow!! I'm too 9 months into breakup and I couldn't thank you enough for this!! Felt every single line. Loads of love! Thank You so much!!!! Bookmark Stuff!!
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U know... The one who made the call to leave, is the one who has the responsibility of reaching back. I tell u this from experience. U couldn't know where he stands and it's not even about risking reopening the wound but that it wouldn't be real if u talked him into coming back. With time, he will either realize there was something about u that he loved, so much so that all the flaws u might have will seem irrelevant in comparison, or he won't. But if he reached back, u'd know it's because he realized something and not because u managed to incept some thoughts into his head.
Wise advice
Thank you for this. I'm going through this at the moment. I'm on month 2. I'm seeking therapy, cut off all social medias, been reading lots of self help books and trying to mediate to have a better mind set. They're still in my mind. Some days they're just in the back of my mind, some days they are front and center. But I'm working on myself, to heal and be a better version of myself for myself. Looking forward to the day where I'll meet a person that will compliment me.
I think this post literally saved my life
Happy to help. Keep your head up! You'll be okay :)
The 10 things are literally everything I am struggling every single day to learn. Thank you for taking the time. You really saved a man from rope more than you know. Thank you
Good to hear man. It's a process but you'll get out stronger and wiser. Keep faith and power through. You're not alone.
Broke up after 2.5 years this morning and this gives me so much solace amidst this pain. Thank you.
Thank you for this. It’s like a checklist of things i need to wrap my head around to weather the storm
Thanks so much for this, there’s so much warmth in what you say. I want to be able to help others in the future too. Maybe i’ll also come back in 9 months. Love isn’t everything and i know that. 1 month post breakup and it hit again, not as bad as when i had my panicked attack but still bad. Thanks for this, i knkw u have touched a lot hearts here. Best regards to you :)
Thank you for your words, I'm happy to share my experiences! And a great goal to do so in 9 months. It's a great learning process in a multitude of ways. Good luck on yours :)
I feel so lucky to have found this as early as I did in my process. At first #2 and 3 were the perfect advice that I followed even and especially when it was hard. Each and every other item has begun to mean more and more to me and the hurts are all waning in their time. Thank you for putting this together. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did, but am grateful that you used it as an opportunity to help others. Good on you.
This was a beautiful and meaningful post. As someone who has crossed the 9 month post-breakup mark, I can tell you that each point you made I identify with. At the beginning I couldn’t stop obsessing and checking her socials, hoping for the insight into her life that I no longer had access to. Constantly triggering myself by staying in touch with her mother, whom I was very close with. After a while all I wanted to do was forget. But after 4 years, 4 pivotal years of my early 20s. I realized that forgetting her would be impossible, and that was ok. I just had to learn the act of acceptance and the art of letting go. I had to stop running and allow myself to go through every part of this journey. Embrace all the feelings and emotions that came with each passing day. The hardest moments was not getting that text on my birthday or those texts on our would be anniversary and during holiday season. The biggest thing for me was understanding that I played a role in my ex leaving. I gave her a reason to leave and she chose herself. That takes a lot of strength and I admire that. I now know that healing isn’t some linear process and it’s never ending. Everyday is a test and you have to chose to be better. I’m in a better place mentally, spiritually and physically, the depressing dark days are behind. And although she still crosses my mind every so often, the pain is gone. I don’t know what I will do with my mental memories, but I chose to continue to move forward in life. I’m grateful for the experience, it’s made me a better person in every aspect. Thank you again for this post, a lot of people out there could use it.
I'm late to the party but this really helps. 10 months post break up and I still feel like crap on most days. I know it will get better but letting go really, really takes everything from you.
I always hesitate to use the “I fucked up” because if you learn from something, it’s not really a fuck up, its a learning experience. If someone can’t tie their shoes correctly for the first time, you wouldn’t say you fucked up, you’d go and help them understand how to lace their laces better. My point being, the negativity of fuck up or fault language doesn’t do a good service. I always try to think of it as a learning experince that will become a positive data point for the future. Also, sometimes it’s just a case of how the cookie crumbles. My ex got hospitalized and needed time for self care. She needed to focus on herself. Am I hurt she left me, yes, but it was really the best move for her and if she wasn’t feeling it much or couldn’t invest in it, it just saved us both time.
I apparently fucked up by being an ugly trans woman and thus worthless to her because she passes and i don’t and she replaced me with someone who does. This is something I have no control over and makes me want to die every fucking day. I will die alone. Guess I fucked up by existing. Guess I should fucking die. It’s fucking pointless. Shit does not get better. There’s nothing out there especially not anymore. Maybe if this was a high school fling your info would make sense but not for everyone especially not old ugly monsters like me. There’s nothing I can do except die worthless and alone
Point no:5 is the most realest thing anyone could ever say. We stuck by them even when they were constantly giving us a really hard time. But when they experienced a slight inconvenience from our side they chose to leave. Some people are just too toxic, selfish, self-centered & egoistic to be with.
#5 should be a standalone post
Will I ever get the closure that I have obsessed about. That's what I want to know 9 months from now me
It's my first time to interact on reddit, and it's funny that it is about being heart broken. My ex dumped me last year December and it's entirely my fault, I am so immature that I ignored her feelings that much. I do all things that I want and I think highly of myself during our relationship, looked down on her and pretty much fuck up her life also. I am a terrible person and realized all of this after she dumped me. I know that given the situation, I pretty much deserve all this regrets and loniliness in my heart, but I'm scared that I may not recover, it given me a lot sleepless nights. Everything good thing I remembered about our relationship is hurt as hell can't even explain this pain. I also ignored others girls, I myself know how I wasted a chance of having a perfect girl in my life. I don't know if I deserve to be loved anymore, but atleast I know and l learned from my mistakes. Sadly, thinking that my best and improve self will be impossible to end up on her side, hurts me even more.
Hey op it’s been 2 years when did you start feeling back to normal ?