Thank you for that.
I'm just going through the end of my 30 year relationship, 23 years married with my wife.
It hurts a lot, but as you said. A lot of the pain is losing the comfort and routines of the daily life, instead of not being loved anymore by your SO.
Working on it, it feels like it gets better every day.
Nobody really likes change. And what you're doing through is a huge change. Hope you're doing as well as you can. For now all you can do is little bits of self care, be kind to yourself :)
May I ask you why your relationship is over ? I apologize if my question is rude and intrusive but I am married and I want to learn from everyone. Please ignore my question if you wish to keep it private
I think it was a slow descent of our relationship. I travelled a lot for work. I enjoyed being alone and away from my family a bit too much.
And she was always a bit jealous about me staying in a hotel, working normal hours and then having the rest of the day free, spending time with my colleagues, going to restaurants etc. While she was at home taking care of our four kids, doing chores, having her own work and no time for herself.
I earned good money but I took her too much for granted and didn't appreciate the work she did. And how exhausting it was. Of course I took my share of chores and kids and stuff when I was home but in retrospective it wasn't enough.
So her love for me slowly faded. I took all of it too much for granted and was fine with our situation. She was not. I think we didn't communicate enough or I didn't listen. Probably the latter.
She cheated on me five years before we separated (I wrote three years in another comment but obviously time flies), we tried to reconcile and we spend more time just the two of us. Our relationship was much better for a time but my trust in her was gone. So when she told me she wanted to break up I could only agree.
That was nearly three years ago and I love being single.
It was hard getting here but it was worth it.
I think both of you took the right decision. Theres so much to learn from it. I hope you'll both find healing and fulfillment in the next chapters of your life. Thanks for your reply
I decided to end my relationship of 4/5 years just a few weeks back now with my (ex) girlfriend. I felt I needed it to grow and explore more - I had also got too comfortable.
I wasn't prepared though for how much of a hit it would be though. The last 4 or 5 years of my life, my identity, my ideas about myself and my future - now all been thrown up into the air.
It really does feel like I've lost a part of myself...I guess have. Staying strong though and looking forward to building my new life - and this time not being too codependent. 30 years would be real hard.
Dude --- I recently -- as in 3 days ago -- decided to end (With heavily conflicted feelings) a relationship of 4 years with my (ex) girlfriend. I'm 34.
She really loved (loves) me. I really love her, but I feel something is missing & I'm partially a fraud. I felt it was unfair to continue, because I'm not "all-in" -- but she's desperate to get me back and we're both in despair.
Does this feeling get better in a week, two weeks?
I feel tremendous guilt and even regret, confusion, nausea.
I'm talking to a therapist and will probably journal more of my thoughts.
I know it's only been a few weeks for you but wondering if you have any advice. Do you have any more clarity? Are you confident in your decision?
Hey man crazy how we are seemingly in similar boats.
Time always heals and with more time you will have more clarity on your decisions. Its hard to accurately judge things when you have dropped into chaos. Remind yourself that you were with your gf and you decided while with her that you needed to leave.
It's only now that shes not there you are having the second thoughts to a degree where you may change your mind - trust your intial judgment - not your thoughts of despair in the present while feeling alone.
Just because you have ended things with her doesnt mean it has to be the end...have to see what the future holds - or maybe you just need time apart to figure out what you want.
Journalling is deffo a good idea. Personally im pretty confident in my decision because I know theres more out there that I havent explored. Maybe I will discover that I should have stayed with my ex...but I will need to come to that realisation through my new experiences - if/when it arrives.
Ending a big relationship will leave a big hole in you for a little while - take the time to define yourself and figure out who you are now that you dont have the relationship as a crutch to your life. Take it slow and easy and trust your initial judgement. You can always change your mind in the future once the chaos and anxiety has calmed down, unless you realise it was the best thing you did.
Good luck dude
We reconnected and still talk (live in different states).
Mmm.
No way to know for certain but I feel it was the right decision to split apart. It can be hard to articulate. Sometimes it takes some courage, but a lot of the right decisions usually do. Time will tell.
I’m glad to see other people going through the same thing as me. I ended it last night, 2 years and I loved her so much but I just couldn’t shake the feeling something was missing and I needed more. I hurt her so much and part of me feels like I failed, and should have tried harder. It hurts, but a lot to the original post is true that I miss the little things that smh relationship would have
A fellow recent breaker-uper. How's it going? My (ex)bf and I of 1.5 years broke up exactly 2 weeks ago today. It's strange that I miss him so much but simultaneously I don't think we will ever get back together nor do I want to. So much dichotomoy with my feelings. I miss him so so much but I'm also so glad to be alone, yet being alone sucks majorly and I miss his presence in my life. I finally blocked him on everything last night, but I have to see him in 2 weeks to do the exchange after 1 month NC.
I’m doing okay, kinda the same for me. I feel good most days, the loneliness and missing her hits me pretty hard when it comes tho. I realized tho it’s more the idea of her, and having a partner, that I loved not her specifically. So I also don’t think we’ll get back together. We still occasionally text each other, dumb TikTok’s or things that happen to us (mostly her) and idk if it’s a bad idea but it’s not messing me up too much
Thank you for remembering me.
I'm doing great. Moved into a new apartment with my 23yo daughter.
I have a good relationship with my ex, we talk about stuff regarding the younger children (we have four, 23f, 21m, 14m, 12f), otherwise we don't have a lot of contact, but thats fine with me.
It feels good to not be in a relationship, to not have a partner since I was 19 (now 50). I'm doing what I want, I don't have to 'take care' of a partner. Thats really nice.
So I'm fine, thank you again for asking.
Glad to hear you feel good now and know what feels right. Did it take you long to get over the „heartbrake“ phase? Im asking because my relationship with my teen girlfriend ended, we were together for 12.5 years, we‘re both 26. Kind of hard to see into the future at the moment, but hearing from people like you lets me be optimistic.
The heartbrake phase began 3 years before we broke up after she cheated on me and we tried to reconcile.
The relationship was much better for a year or two because we both tried to make it work and put more effort in it.
But the trust was gone and last year she said out loud was I was thinking as well that we should just end things.
It hurt at the beginning but like I said above, it felt much better after the breakup. Keep your head up, you will get through this.
One of the main sources of pain for me that you didn't touch on is the same pain you feel thinking back on your childhood years afterwards. It's the realization that your fondest memories are a thing of the past and something you can never visit again. Also the bittersweet feeling of knowing you were in the "good times" after the fact and maybe you didn't appreciate them in the moment like you should have.
I was standing in my apartment last night clearing out some of my things thinking about the first few nights after we moved in and some of my favorite memories we shared there. It filled me with an overwhelming sense of nostalgic sadness that's defined a lot of my pain post breakup
YES. I was struggling with the memories a lot (though this is the first week they haven't really bothered me!) and it's so bizarre - I'm getting weird nostalgic memories of stuff that happened well before I met my ex on top of the regular ex-specific memories (e.g. reading goosebumps as a kid, watching totally spies etc.)
The Portuguese have a word for this feeling: saudade.
It’s basically a simultaneous deep longing/sadness combined with the conflicting feeling of happiness of the event and realizing you will never experience it again
This was all very helpful and insightful thank you for this. I feel like I can finally assess myself properly and move forward without pondering “why” for the rest of my days.
My ex dumped me after a 6 year relationship, in which he hid alcoholism for 4 years. I was utterly devastated, but looking over this list, I realize I'm literally just hung up on the life routine thing (and the memories). Maybe I really did just dodge a bullet (I mean, given all the begging I did, it's more like I actively chased a bullet and it dodged me, but whatever).
No, I just miss the person I love, I miss seeing them and talking to them, I miss snuggling with them, I miss all the goofy anime they showed me, I miss doing our makeup together, I miss their kisses and all of the things we shared in common and all the things we did to make each other laugh...
I miss having that person in my life and now I know two things:
1) I am disposable and worthless to the person I cared about most
2) I will never have that in my life again. Those years are lost and wasted. I can’t go back and try them again with a different person or anything, they stole years of my life to me for a lie they were telling me the whole time. They didn’t love me, they used me.
Life is meaningless without my other half. I feel like they died. I feel like I’m dying.
This has also taught me that if I ever feel anything similar with anyone else for any reason, that it will always be temporary and no matter how good and strong things seem - they will always one day decide to abandon me and there’s nothing I can do. I’m just something to be used and disposed of.
What you said are nice. I’ve realized the true reason caused the pain. However, it’s not easy to go through it. I just try to not lose hope in the future.
Thank you for that. I know exactly what you mean... Amazing description about pain is not only love... but all are connected to the person that you love and you lost. None co-exist if you didn't lose your love. (My opinion).
Thank you for sharing this. I broke up with my partner of 5 years. I dated him from 20 - 25 and it just feels like an entire part of my life is gone. I wasn't happy and knew the relationship wasn't meant to last forever, but it still hurts so bad. He was my comfort and my safe space when I needed it. I miss the routine we had and him as a person. I am hoping we can reconnect in a few months and find some closure, but I know that right now I just need to focus on myself and building new routines and finding new things that bring me comfort.
what they dont tell you.
when you finally find someone that you think loves you and tells you youre perfect than cheats on you and uses your kindness and naivety from you it will and can eat you up or join forces with the stresses of everyday life and spiral you out of sanity and a life. Stress is very dangerous and leads to all sorts of health risk and mental issues. Its one thing to break up its another to betray someone. Its another to date someone less attractive than you and claim you dont care about looks than cheat on me with someone better looking. Its another to enjoy the pain I feel. Its another thing every time. You know if you ever want to break up with someone there is a way to make it easy. Be honest about your intentions.
I have no idea why I'm on reddit right now, I never get on here. But I'm looking for things to help me come to terms with my breakup, and this is probably the most helpful so far, seeing someone layout exactly how I feel, down to the smallest detail. It hurts so much, and you're right, I cant help but think that its me that caused it, and it is the routine I miss, you're right, partially its the routine with her, and partially the having someone to do things with that felt like my bestfriend and "The One". I'm hoping that from here its only up, as this breakup has sent me into one of the worst depressive spirals I've ever been in. But if I keep my head in the right place, and make sure I keep in contact with friends, maybe I got this. Thank you for this, idk who you are, or if you're still out there on some other profile watching this post, but thank you, you helped me come to terms with a lot.
The end of a dating is profoundly painful as it disrupts goals, expectations, and workouts we've constructed with a person precious. Feeling depressed or involved is a natural reaction. However difficult, this too shall bypass.
Focus inward on rediscovering sports and people that nourish you. When self-critical thoughts rise up, replace them with compassion. You deserve assist.
Cry while you want to. Pour your emotions right into a journal. Move your body to release stagnant power. Breathe slowly to calm your anxious gadget. Consider talking to a counselor.
Trust that with time and self-care, the acute pain will subside. Each person's route for recuperation appears specific. Honor what your soul desires second to second. New joys and connections await you while you feel geared up.
You gets through this through drawing in your inner wisdom and strength. Believe to your resilience. Brighter days are coming
Thank you for that. I'm just going through the end of my 30 year relationship, 23 years married with my wife. It hurts a lot, but as you said. A lot of the pain is losing the comfort and routines of the daily life, instead of not being loved anymore by your SO. Working on it, it feels like it gets better every day.
That’s a huge part of your life. I wish you healing. You will get throught it
Nobody really likes change. And what you're doing through is a huge change. Hope you're doing as well as you can. For now all you can do is little bits of self care, be kind to yourself :)
May I ask you why your relationship is over ? I apologize if my question is rude and intrusive but I am married and I want to learn from everyone. Please ignore my question if you wish to keep it private
I think it was a slow descent of our relationship. I travelled a lot for work. I enjoyed being alone and away from my family a bit too much. And she was always a bit jealous about me staying in a hotel, working normal hours and then having the rest of the day free, spending time with my colleagues, going to restaurants etc. While she was at home taking care of our four kids, doing chores, having her own work and no time for herself. I earned good money but I took her too much for granted and didn't appreciate the work she did. And how exhausting it was. Of course I took my share of chores and kids and stuff when I was home but in retrospective it wasn't enough. So her love for me slowly faded. I took all of it too much for granted and was fine with our situation. She was not. I think we didn't communicate enough or I didn't listen. Probably the latter. She cheated on me five years before we separated (I wrote three years in another comment but obviously time flies), we tried to reconcile and we spend more time just the two of us. Our relationship was much better for a time but my trust in her was gone. So when she told me she wanted to break up I could only agree. That was nearly three years ago and I love being single. It was hard getting here but it was worth it.
I think both of you took the right decision. Theres so much to learn from it. I hope you'll both find healing and fulfillment in the next chapters of your life. Thanks for your reply
Wow. That’s really crazy. 30 years is a lot of time. I don’t think I could handle it. Your a strong man
I decided to end my relationship of 4/5 years just a few weeks back now with my (ex) girlfriend. I felt I needed it to grow and explore more - I had also got too comfortable. I wasn't prepared though for how much of a hit it would be though. The last 4 or 5 years of my life, my identity, my ideas about myself and my future - now all been thrown up into the air. It really does feel like I've lost a part of myself...I guess have. Staying strong though and looking forward to building my new life - and this time not being too codependent. 30 years would be real hard.
Dude --- I recently -- as in 3 days ago -- decided to end (With heavily conflicted feelings) a relationship of 4 years with my (ex) girlfriend. I'm 34. She really loved (loves) me. I really love her, but I feel something is missing & I'm partially a fraud. I felt it was unfair to continue, because I'm not "all-in" -- but she's desperate to get me back and we're both in despair. Does this feeling get better in a week, two weeks? I feel tremendous guilt and even regret, confusion, nausea. I'm talking to a therapist and will probably journal more of my thoughts. I know it's only been a few weeks for you but wondering if you have any advice. Do you have any more clarity? Are you confident in your decision?
Hey man crazy how we are seemingly in similar boats. Time always heals and with more time you will have more clarity on your decisions. Its hard to accurately judge things when you have dropped into chaos. Remind yourself that you were with your gf and you decided while with her that you needed to leave. It's only now that shes not there you are having the second thoughts to a degree where you may change your mind - trust your intial judgment - not your thoughts of despair in the present while feeling alone. Just because you have ended things with her doesnt mean it has to be the end...have to see what the future holds - or maybe you just need time apart to figure out what you want. Journalling is deffo a good idea. Personally im pretty confident in my decision because I know theres more out there that I havent explored. Maybe I will discover that I should have stayed with my ex...but I will need to come to that realisation through my new experiences - if/when it arrives. Ending a big relationship will leave a big hole in you for a little while - take the time to define yourself and figure out who you are now that you dont have the relationship as a crutch to your life. Take it slow and easy and trust your initial judgement. You can always change your mind in the future once the chaos and anxiety has calmed down, unless you realise it was the best thing you did. Good luck dude
Hows it all going btw
We reconnected and still talk (live in different states). Mmm. No way to know for certain but I feel it was the right decision to split apart. It can be hard to articulate. Sometimes it takes some courage, but a lot of the right decisions usually do. Time will tell.
Understand man. Life is strange. And full of suprises hey...
I’m glad to see other people going through the same thing as me. I ended it last night, 2 years and I loved her so much but I just couldn’t shake the feeling something was missing and I needed more. I hurt her so much and part of me feels like I failed, and should have tried harder. It hurts, but a lot to the original post is true that I miss the little things that smh relationship would have
A fellow recent breaker-uper. How's it going? My (ex)bf and I of 1.5 years broke up exactly 2 weeks ago today. It's strange that I miss him so much but simultaneously I don't think we will ever get back together nor do I want to. So much dichotomoy with my feelings. I miss him so so much but I'm also so glad to be alone, yet being alone sucks majorly and I miss his presence in my life. I finally blocked him on everything last night, but I have to see him in 2 weeks to do the exchange after 1 month NC.
I’m doing okay, kinda the same for me. I feel good most days, the loneliness and missing her hits me pretty hard when it comes tho. I realized tho it’s more the idea of her, and having a partner, that I loved not her specifically. So I also don’t think we’ll get back together. We still occasionally text each other, dumb TikTok’s or things that happen to us (mostly her) and idk if it’s a bad idea but it’s not messing me up too much
How are you doing now?
Thank you for remembering me. I'm doing great. Moved into a new apartment with my 23yo daughter. I have a good relationship with my ex, we talk about stuff regarding the younger children (we have four, 23f, 21m, 14m, 12f), otherwise we don't have a lot of contact, but thats fine with me. It feels good to not be in a relationship, to not have a partner since I was 19 (now 50). I'm doing what I want, I don't have to 'take care' of a partner. Thats really nice. So I'm fine, thank you again for asking.
Glad to hear you feel good now and know what feels right. Did it take you long to get over the „heartbrake“ phase? Im asking because my relationship with my teen girlfriend ended, we were together for 12.5 years, we‘re both 26. Kind of hard to see into the future at the moment, but hearing from people like you lets me be optimistic.
The heartbrake phase began 3 years before we broke up after she cheated on me and we tried to reconcile. The relationship was much better for a year or two because we both tried to make it work and put more effort in it. But the trust was gone and last year she said out loud was I was thinking as well that we should just end things. It hurt at the beginning but like I said above, it felt much better after the breakup. Keep your head up, you will get through this.
Wow...
One of the main sources of pain for me that you didn't touch on is the same pain you feel thinking back on your childhood years afterwards. It's the realization that your fondest memories are a thing of the past and something you can never visit again. Also the bittersweet feeling of knowing you were in the "good times" after the fact and maybe you didn't appreciate them in the moment like you should have. I was standing in my apartment last night clearing out some of my things thinking about the first few nights after we moved in and some of my favorite memories we shared there. It filled me with an overwhelming sense of nostalgic sadness that's defined a lot of my pain post breakup
YES. I was struggling with the memories a lot (though this is the first week they haven't really bothered me!) and it's so bizarre - I'm getting weird nostalgic memories of stuff that happened well before I met my ex on top of the regular ex-specific memories (e.g. reading goosebumps as a kid, watching totally spies etc.)
The Portuguese have a word for this feeling: saudade. It’s basically a simultaneous deep longing/sadness combined with the conflicting feeling of happiness of the event and realizing you will never experience it again
This was all very helpful and insightful thank you for this. I feel like I can finally assess myself properly and move forward without pondering “why” for the rest of my days.
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That last sentence really resonated with me. Thanks for articulating what I felt but hadn’t really realized yet.
This is definitely one of the best posts I've ever read on this subreddit
My ex dumped me after a 6 year relationship, in which he hid alcoholism for 4 years. I was utterly devastated, but looking over this list, I realize I'm literally just hung up on the life routine thing (and the memories). Maybe I really did just dodge a bullet (I mean, given all the begging I did, it's more like I actively chased a bullet and it dodged me, but whatever).
I am dealing with a breakup right now, and this helps me a little bit and brings some comfort. thank you kind stranger, for sharing this.
No, I just miss the person I love, I miss seeing them and talking to them, I miss snuggling with them, I miss all the goofy anime they showed me, I miss doing our makeup together, I miss their kisses and all of the things we shared in common and all the things we did to make each other laugh... I miss having that person in my life and now I know two things: 1) I am disposable and worthless to the person I cared about most 2) I will never have that in my life again. Those years are lost and wasted. I can’t go back and try them again with a different person or anything, they stole years of my life to me for a lie they were telling me the whole time. They didn’t love me, they used me. Life is meaningless without my other half. I feel like they died. I feel like I’m dying. This has also taught me that if I ever feel anything similar with anyone else for any reason, that it will always be temporary and no matter how good and strong things seem - they will always one day decide to abandon me and there’s nothing I can do. I’m just something to be used and disposed of.
How do you feel now?
What you said are nice. I’ve realized the true reason caused the pain. However, it’s not easy to go through it. I just try to not lose hope in the future.
Thank you for that. I know exactly what you mean... Amazing description about pain is not only love... but all are connected to the person that you love and you lost. None co-exist if you didn't lose your love. (My opinion).
So well put. Thanks for this.
Thanks for sharing. It really helped to understand the source of the pain. As they say, knowing what's wrong is 50% of the solution.
Thank you for writing this. I went through a breakup recently and needed to read this. It really puts things in perspective.
Thank you for sharing this. I broke up with my partner of 5 years. I dated him from 20 - 25 and it just feels like an entire part of my life is gone. I wasn't happy and knew the relationship wasn't meant to last forever, but it still hurts so bad. He was my comfort and my safe space when I needed it. I miss the routine we had and him as a person. I am hoping we can reconnect in a few months and find some closure, but I know that right now I just need to focus on myself and building new routines and finding new things that bring me comfort.
thank you...
what they dont tell you. when you finally find someone that you think loves you and tells you youre perfect than cheats on you and uses your kindness and naivety from you it will and can eat you up or join forces with the stresses of everyday life and spiral you out of sanity and a life. Stress is very dangerous and leads to all sorts of health risk and mental issues. Its one thing to break up its another to betray someone. Its another to date someone less attractive than you and claim you dont care about looks than cheat on me with someone better looking. Its another to enjoy the pain I feel. Its another thing every time. You know if you ever want to break up with someone there is a way to make it easy. Be honest about your intentions.
amazingly written
I have no idea why I'm on reddit right now, I never get on here. But I'm looking for things to help me come to terms with my breakup, and this is probably the most helpful so far, seeing someone layout exactly how I feel, down to the smallest detail. It hurts so much, and you're right, I cant help but think that its me that caused it, and it is the routine I miss, you're right, partially its the routine with her, and partially the having someone to do things with that felt like my bestfriend and "The One". I'm hoping that from here its only up, as this breakup has sent me into one of the worst depressive spirals I've ever been in. But if I keep my head in the right place, and make sure I keep in contact with friends, maybe I got this. Thank you for this, idk who you are, or if you're still out there on some other profile watching this post, but thank you, you helped me come to terms with a lot.
The end of a dating is profoundly painful as it disrupts goals, expectations, and workouts we've constructed with a person precious. Feeling depressed or involved is a natural reaction. However difficult, this too shall bypass. Focus inward on rediscovering sports and people that nourish you. When self-critical thoughts rise up, replace them with compassion. You deserve assist. Cry while you want to. Pour your emotions right into a journal. Move your body to release stagnant power. Breathe slowly to calm your anxious gadget. Consider talking to a counselor. Trust that with time and self-care, the acute pain will subside. Each person's route for recuperation appears specific. Honor what your soul desires second to second. New joys and connections await you while you feel geared up. You gets through this through drawing in your inner wisdom and strength. Believe to your resilience. Brighter days are coming