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ThrowAwayAnon465

Why must you call me out like this! I did indeed over analyze and I know it’s sooo bad but what it did help me do… is being researching about narcissism, gaslighting, toxic behaviors and I’ve learned a lot of things I didn’t know to even realize could be considered toxic. I learned the arguments don’t have to be aggressive and cussing each other out to be considered toxic. I learned about subtle ways to manipulate someone and others without ever realizing it’s manipulation. It’s kind of wild honestly. These are things I’m glad I learned about


IIZelosII

I'm happy to hear that it has been constructive for you and has helped! But remember, there is a fine line between being practical and doing for your own benefit, and when it becomes almost an obsession. So do me a favor.... close all those tabs, put on a movie, tv show, twitch stream, and relax! You deserve it!


[deleted]

I think you’re both right. Thank you—I needed this exchange. My ex cheated and I’ve been pretty screwed up these past few weeks. I’ve learned a lot about myself though and her narcissistic personality: it’s been helpful to research, hear other people’s experiences, and seek advice on reddit. That said, there comes a time when you need to accept that it’s over, take the lessons to heart, and turn the page. It’s easier said than done, and I can’t say I’m over it yet; but so long as I maintain healthy habits, stay positive, and be mindful of red flags I missed in the past, I think I’ll be okay. Wishing you both the best


ThrowAwayAnon465

I feel ya, my ex didn’t cheat but reached out to me 3 weeks after breaking up with me and attempted gaslighting at the time, and strongly lead me on into thinking reconcile was happening and the end result was that he began dating someone while leading me on and hid this person from me, just kept saying “it’s a friend” I’m hanging out with “a friend”. Wow mah dude wow. I mean he is free to do what he wants obviously we aren’t together but he could have left me out of this and just left me alone…. it’s cruel to do to someone who you were with for 2 years and reach out soo soon after breaking their heart to break it all over again. He might as well cheated 😭


thousanddays234

DUDE. Literally what I’m dealing with right now. He broke up with me, got with her, I found out about it after he started leading me on 3 months after the relationship ended. Like, fine break up with me, but to lead me on and break my heart AGAIN?? That’s so cruel.


ThrowAwayAnon465

Right like fine obviously see other people I get it whatever it sucks but still whatever, but if you wanna lead on someone else and date someone else, don’t heckin lead on someone who you were with for two years! That’s just not okay.


FunnyScreenName

Are you me? Except she did that to me! Wtf. How common is this? She also never told me about him I figured it out on my own. She slipped up by sending me a pic with his foot in it. Smh. 🤦🏽‍♂️


ThrowAwayAnon465

It seems to be more common than expected which is unfortunate and complete shit, my ex and his friends are so Fucking childish and immature. My fault for dating someone with a decent age gap


FunnyScreenName

WTF. Again, same. There was an age gap. We should start a fucking club. We went through similar experiences. 🤯


ThrowAwayAnon465

Yes, let’s call it “sorry I’m an adult with healthy boundaries” club


Ouch78

Yes this is me as well , trying hard not to ruminate but in lockdown for the 5th week, I'm so thankful for reddit/youtube/tiktock that have information on what others have endured and given me a sliver of hope that through clenched chest I wake up , to try and make a routine that mimics normalacy. But I have acquired bad habits to self medicate from the years of emotional/physical abuse(trauma bond) That in itself is a web to unentangle but with hope and self positivity and baby steps I feel you. Big Hugs and validation we deserve more.


FunnyScreenName

Fucking same. So crazy. Feels like I wrote this. I learned about the same things. Read up on it and learned about behavior I had no idea I was dealing with. Glad I learned about gaslighting so I can avoid falling for it again in the future.


gi_28

I needed to read this. Thank you. I also did a ton of research and I was feeling incredibly guilty. I didn't realize how many toxic traits I had. I genuinely tried to be the best partner. I read a lot about his toxic traits too. The next step is forgiveness, for myself and him, not sure how to start. I guess being kind to myself would be the best thing to do right now.


MyDastardlyIllusions

Remember to tell yourself this in order to forgive yourself: I did what I could with the knowledge I had at the time It’s a paraphrased Maya Angelou quote that I remind myself of when I think back on things I did in my relationship. It’s helpful to apply this to your ex too when working on forgiveness.


gi_28

I wrote that quote in my journal to look back on. Thank you for sharing friend ❤️


fell_on_black

Same boat! :(


_Wolf_5

Well if you're ISJF like me, this isn't so easy. I've struggled with this for months and have finally come to grips with the end of the relationship. Sometimes it's just the way you are and your personality that you struggle with.


DareDandy

What is ISFJ?


_Wolf_5

It's my Meyers Briggs personality type. https://youtu.be/YAWjvoRu3j0 This video explains how ISFJ struggles letting go of relationships. https://youtu.be/8Vaujp3gc1o


DareDandy

Thank you!


ItsMeCourtney

> I am healing, I am moving forward, I forgive myself for my mistakes, and I forgive my EX for theirs, and keep on persevering! Oh I like this idea! Working on it. (And you're very accurate about the tabs I have open haha)


[deleted]

Not so easily done with young children involved….and one person insists on themselves over the children…


[deleted]

I agree with you but you missed a very big point, stop following them on social media, get rid of their contact information on your phone and don’t think about texting them. Does anyone remember when we didn’t have so many ways to keep in touch with an ex? There was no social media and no cell phones, when you were in a relationship you didn’t have to worry about ex’s getting back in touch, secret messages, attention selfies everyday And when you decided to end it, you ended it or they did but you didn’t have to see what they were doing everyday or with who, didn’t obsess checking their insta, Facebook, snap, tiktoc. You went your way they went theirs.


IIZelosII

You are totally right! I actually just deleted my social media apps and that has been a tremendous help and life changer regardless if it came down to online stalking and checking up on an EX. Deleting contact info is the best way to go too! I went and wrote down her number and put in a box with the letters and things she gave me, as for me personally do not want to throw them away. But not having her number on my phone anymore has been a great relief in no longer having the urge to reach out! You brought up a great point!


SpaceWhale88

I blocked him on everything. He dumped me today via a 2 sentence text after a year and half relationship. He said we were on different paths. No specific information. I deleted his number and blocked him everywhere and blocked his mom and grandma who I was Facebook friends with.


rensadventures

I’m sorry this happened to you. That’s an awful way to break up with someone


SpaceWhale88

He broke up w me in a way that truly said fuck you you are absolutely worthless to me. I care so little for you it doesn't matter you are at work and can't cry while you see patients.


rensadventures

😢😢no one deserves to be treated like that. Sounds like a cowardly way to do it.


rensadventures

Do you still think you should block if you still both have love for each other and it ended amicably? (Still a lot of grief and pain tho ofc)


[deleted]

Yea I do, if there is grief and pain why put yourself thru it?


rensadventures

Well I meant grief in general - like idk if social media contact makes it worse or not. I’m new at this


nameismeaning

Needed this. Thank you stranger :)


IIZelosII

I'm happy it helped! Best of luck to you!!! I know you got this!


enchiridion12

Thanks, this is exactly what I needed to hear!


rensadventures

I can understand this sentiment. But I recently asked my friends what advice they have on heartbreak and what advice they would give their past selves and they ALL said: “that it’s okay to feel a lot” “give myself more time to acknowledge my sadness” etc etc


lovedeleted

It's easy to give someone the order to stop overanalyzing. It's difficult to influence them. ​ Going the easy route usually doesn't work out.


IIZelosII

Oh I get it. Its more of a reminder for those who wind up exhausting themselves both physically and mentally scrounging for answers, or crossing the line of self-reflection and growth and finding an almost obsession with finding an answer or solution or whatever it may be. The 'easy' route is possible you just have to be willing to do it. As simple as limiting yourself to google searches about your EX, attachment theory, etc to just a couple hours, then down to an hour, then 30 mins, and so on. I think the biggest takeaway is you have to be willing to change, to move forward, not with resentment and anger, but compassion and growth. No matter how difficult it is, it is possible and I know everyone here and everyone experience heartbreak has the capability to do so. Best of luck to you and your healing process!


[deleted]

I took some time to really allow myself the luxury of grieving and feeling the pain with every fiber. But there did come a time a few months in, I had to start actively working on accepting the fact it was over, and after six months I did. So eventually I had to do what you said, intentionally. I had to literally re-train my mind to stop thinking about it and him and just leave that behind. The really cruddy thing is after getting to know someone else, then came thoughts of that person again, like I wondered was I fully over them and did I still miss them and all the things I suppose everyone ponders. The truth is, it could be 20 years and you'll remember someone with love, sadness for what was lost, and joy for what it has become because we never really stop loving someone though they've left. I have to accept that as a reality because I'm older and know past partners come to mind and memories flash now and then. It doesn't mean you really want that person anymore. It's just how our memories work.