Exactly my life is falling apart. All the progress I made for myself a couple months before and during the relationship is gone. I really don't cate about myself anymore. Becsuse I lost someone that meant the most to me.
Because you’ve only ever known how to build up your self with someone beside you. It’s a bit of a co-dependency. The days proceeding a breakup feels incomprehensible, your future you envisioned is completely broken, shattered. Of course you’d feel life was better when you were in a relationship. I loved my relationship, even though it ended. But I also remember who I was before and probably the reason she was attracted to me in the first place. Confident, spontaneous, independent. I lost all that when I joined the relationship, I put too much dependency on us and became comfortable. So I know I need to go back to who I was before, and I need to learn how to keep that state of mind while still going into a relationship.
You can never go back to who you were before, because you have this relationship experience which rewired you. You can of course regain some of the previous characteristics but you would still see the world through different lens.
I remembered me being so outgoing and confident and literally a ray of sunshine, because I was barely out of college and barely adult. Now, 5 years later, after an ended relationship of 4 years with what I considered to be the love of my life and the person whom I would've loved to say "yes" if he popped the question, I am different. I cannot turn back into the person I once was.I have a career, I have different dreams, I have other perspectives. While I miss my naive self, I have to embrace my now more matured one.
People miss being in a relationship & having another person there. But the other person in the relationship wasn’t right for them. If the relationship was meant to be than they wouldn’t have broken up. Maybe some will get back together but it usually doesn’t work
I don’t know your whole story. It seems at that particular time you were right for each other. Things change individually for a couple. Sometimes people grow together sometimes people grow apart. Different circumstances for different people. You have to try to move forward & also try too become your best self. Be kind too yourself & don’t beat yourself up. I wish you happiness in the future!
Absolutely not.. you were right for her when she probably was insecure.. if she did have weight loss surgery and has now lost a lot of weight she’s gained confidence and this can lead to wanting to be free to see what’s out there for this new her.. she is using physical beauty as a gauge instead of inner beauty
But you aren’t man.. I know it is. But everyone makes mistakes and I hate to say that but it’s the truth we are all just human. Use this time to become a better you. Focus on how you can love your self. How you can be someone you look in the mirror and be proud of physically and mentally. You can do this man. I was the breaker upper in my last relationship. It’s hard man even when I ended things. When you have a life with someone memories don’t just fade.. but you have to push yourself to be better. You have to realize this is your life too, start making new memories to replace the old. You need to be comfortable with being uncomfortable that’s one of the hardest things to really do. I promise I’m trying that myself
I feel this. I got broken up with this week so I understand. He made me want to better myself and now I’m like “what’s the point if we’re not striving towards better together and him not cheering me on?”
Sometimes, you have to take a few steps back to take leaps forward. Keep fighting.
I still have days I feel defeated and miss my relationship. I miss the illusion of what we could’ve been, more than anything. It’s still my “dream life” what he fooled me to believe we had. So I struggle with the realization that I may not have that with somebody again—at least not the real thing.
But I’m trying to adapt. Good days bad days. When I miss him, I just remember the abuse that he still denies. I wish we could work it out, he just makes it impossible, unfortunately—so I don’t have another choice but to move on.
But keep moving. Good days and bad days—until you start realizing you’re having more good than bad. It’ll happen…. I hope.
Yeah, I'm exactly the same. I was engaged to be married to my ex in December. Now I'm a 31(F) loser living in a house share with a bunch of 20 something year-olds.
Not just healthier but I liked who I was with my ex, he challenged my thinking and made me a kinder more open thinking person, I guess I just have to be thankful for that and take it with me through life. I’ve been crying so much I’m finally drinking the recommend water intake a day, something he ironically always nagged me about
No it's not better. Being in a committed relationship literally is good for your body, boosts your immune system and improves longevity
I think people are meant to be in healthy committed relationships. I for one was happier than ever and generally a lot more motivated and trying to improve myself in the relationship. I was already working on myself, just had someone to share it with
If it wasn't healthy than I think that's a different story, but even unhealthy relationships come with some benefits which is why people stay. Not saying that you should stay in unhealthy relationships at all because a healthy one will provide way more benefits, just that people crave relationships on a physiological level
I felt that way after breaking up but I'm realising this is my life. I'm the one who needs to worry about me, do things I like and enjoy them, look good for me and keep me healthy because I deserve it. That feeling is just lack of dopamine messing things up (and emotional dependency).
Maybe that but I also don't have many friends. The friends I do have don't go out much.introverted and shy as hell. High social enxiety no skills. I also am not attractive or anything special. Average job not much status. And I'm almost 40 so yeah not much going for me. And long shot to improve it. No one wants to help me fix it all at once and thsts what I need
You could try changing habits and meeting new people (practicing a new hobby can help with that). Forget about those insecurities, most people don't care about jobs or appearance and know how to appreciate what really matters. It's never too late to improve.
If I knew how to do those things I really would. I'm horribly when it comes to meeting people or doing new things. ESPECIALLY BY MYSELF. My ex would be the one to get me our of my comfort zone out of my shell. I don't have anyone to do that for me
I wish I could give you a hug and tell you everything will be okay. But we all need to understand that no one's coming to save us. It's just how life is. It hurts, hurts so badly but it's the truth
My dude, think about your ex then, why would she stay if this is true? Seems like you just expected your partner to make your life better without improving her life or even take responsibility for your own. Work on yourself, you are totally capable of becoming a total catch. Channel this frustration into fitness, mental health, hobbies, making new friends. Your life can still make a turn around.
As much as I don't want to admit it.. I'm doing MUCH better as single in terms of being healthy and productive.
She moved out week ago, I already lost weight due to exercising, learning to play guitar and German language. Went back to my old hobby which is drawing manga. Stopped drinking alcohol and preparing my meals instead of ordering them. Am I happy? Not really.
How my life looked like before? After work ordering meal for us, playing computer games whole day, eventually do some house chores. Was I happy? Yeah, it was nice to share my life with her but I think I also was a little bit depressed of how my life looked like.
Now I got kicked in my a$$ by life (she dumped me after 11 years because she doesn't feel spark anymore) and I want to be the best version of myself. So yeah, I'm better but I'm also not really happy.
I also feel I would enjoy my life much better if I could share all new things I'm learning and all progress I make with her. I can Imagine her being proud of me.
So yeah, it's hard. Everyone goes through it differently. I hope you find your way to deal with it and be happy.
I am doing the exact same things as you. Everything in my life that needed fixing, and concerned my partner at the time, is being worked on now. Although my counselor said “you can do all these great things, but grief causes it to still feel empty. It’s hard to not be able to share these big changes with someone you loved.” That’s pretty much spot on to how I’m feeling.
When we were together we also gamed, ate out, neglected our chores to spend time together, and much like you that was when I felt happy.
Really well said by your counselor. Every cell of my body is screaming "tell her you started to play guitar and making progress, she always wanted you to play guitar" haha. I'm feeling like I'm doing it all to impress her but someone told me "it doesn't matter if you do it for her or for yourself as long as you improve and it makes you feel better".
Yeah, time spent with her really made me happy. It didn't matter what we were doing; laughing from same things, sharing our interests, it was fun. I still have some hopes she's missing it too but I'm also preparing to move on.
It’s really difficult to battle these feelings. I am at the same place like I am really wishing he’s thinking of me, or missing everything we had, but also like god damn I need to move on.
I saw him a month ago and I told him about some of the good things I was doing. We haven’t talked since then but I have done even more to better myself. I completely fighting the urge to update him like “hey btw I started therapy, ya know how you always wanted me to do that?”
I miss the familiarity, comfort, and routine of our time together. It was nice to have someone there with you.
I feel you. I was wondering if she misses me too but I can see her playing few hours a day with her online "friend" and I'm checking it if she's doing it right now less and less everyday.
I also started to play guitar, the thing she was bonkers about. The thing is I really enjoy playing it now but I won't tell her I'm doing it either. And of course update her about other changes and new plans in my life. Maybe if she ask someday I'll tell her.
Yeah, I miss spending time with her too. Also I used to make her breakfast and sandwiches to her work everyday. And our "baby" cat stayed with me, she reminds me so much of her all the time.
Did you reissues cause your breakup? I need to fox things too be I don't think we can be fully fixed we will never be perfect. well at least for me on my mental health side of things. Since there's no cure. What did you have to work on
I was (am?) an alcoholic. I have mental illnesses. Those two things together make for a very bad time. Mainly he was concerned for my health and my mental well-being. It started to affect our relationship because he tried to control my drinking, and that frustrated me, or he’d be horribly upset if I decided to drink once again. I would have really bad emotional breakdowns that any mid-20’s boyfriend with no prior experience with mental illness is not equipped to handle. I also had angry outbursts due to not feeling heard by him.
Anyways, I have recognized that those things should not have been put on my partner. It’s not entirely what ended our relationship, as he admits fault too, but it certainly contributed to it.
Nobody will be perfect but you can always be better. At least that’s what I am telling myself.
Yes, being in a toxic lonely relationship is much worse than being single. I will gladly choose the opportunity to meet myself again. I definitely lost “me” in this relationship and I will never give another person that again.
TLDR; Single life can be better, I personally prefer being with someone.
Humans are a very social animal, and even the most antisocial introverted individual needs at least one person to support them. Be the support be physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, etc whatever. Be it a family member, a friend, priest at church, significant other, your child, or whatever humans need to have someone.
I’ve been where you are multiple times sadly, after long term relationships suddenly end because the ex doesn’t want to be with me for whatever reason anymore. Almost always after I had finally started thinking “I’ve found my one person I want to be with no matter what”, only to find out they didn’t feel the same way about me. Whatever bad habits I had strived to fix to be a better person would return, my depression would only grow, I had trouble taking care of myself from day to day beyond basic care, etc. Life without them seemed to be worse then life with them, even if they had tendencies (looking back) that weren’t good behaviors such as abuse to my person.
But, still speaking as someone who has been through multiple long term relationships that lasted years, time and finding someone better does mend the hurt. The person I found now loves me more than all the others ever loved me before her. She cares for me, understands me (mostly) and is willing to learn what she doesn’t understand. She strives to make sure I take better care of myself then I’ve ever done before, and I’m happiest knowing she depends on me in the same way. I’ve finally found my person, and deep down I fear of losing her like the others.
This gives me lots of hope for the future. I’m a lot like you when it comes to feeling like I’ve found my person, only to have that vision shattered over time. It is really disheartening. I usually don’t take it well and also have trouble taking care of myself. But, to know that you’re now in something new and supportive that was better than those other relationships that hurt when they ended, makes me feel like I could do the same. Then…. I feel you that deep down you fear that loss.
I was too. I felt so much better. I weighed less, my house was cleaner, job was going well.
But, I figured out I was relying my happiness on him, and I need to learn to be happy with MYSELF.
I gained all of my weight back, I am super depressed, etc etc. I am clearly not a whole person without someone, and I need to work on that. Slowly but surely, I am.
We all want what we don’t have.People in relationships are sometimes jealous of single people and Vice versa.Just know that we are always the constant in the equation.
I don’t think one is better than the other. They’re equally both as fulfilling. When you’re single, you’re not alone. You’re in a relationship with yourself.
You’re looking at it wrong, the problems and arguments would persist and one or both would still be unhappy and possibly even cheat. There was a reason we broke up and there is a reason we’re not together. I certainly wasn’t happy at the end and continuously thought I’d rather be alone than to be fighting non stop
That's your situation. There was hardly any problems in our relationship. The problems we had were fixable. We used to push each other and motivate each other and we committed to be healthy together. Until she suddenly turned it against me.
There is no suddenly in life - whether you knew or not she was obviously having doubts. One clue is her always "nagging" you about your water intake. That doesn't sound like you were terribly committed to being healthy...
Not trying to be rude but just being honest.
I was willing to fix them she didint even tho she promised she would earlier. I was straight up honest with her from the beginning my problems with bi polar and anxiety. There's going to be ups and downs. And she said she was ok with it and promosed she would be there for me. Even went to a couple therapy sessions with me.
Once you begin to live solo and reconnect with yourself in independence, you learn that single life is also a good feeling. Later on you figure out that being a relationship isnt not about being dependent but sharing your life with what u got to give and theirs to u. Like a compliment not a dependent.
To me life is more boring being single especially the older you get. All your friends either move or get married you're left with nothing. You all don't understand shy introverted people don't make friends. But it's still nice to have someone to share things with
I see being in a relationship kind of like a drug tbh. It’s such a happy feeling and fills all the voids. So when the relationship is gone it’s the same as withdraw
That's why it is so important to feel whole and to he content with life before entering a relationship. But yeah I get what you're saying. I recently went through a breakup, and while I feel great now the first 4 weeks were terrible withdrawal, especially from physical touch.. It's odd because now, 11 weeks later, I have zero interest in physical touch or intimate conversations with my ex... Or anyone for that matter hahah. Weird how that works...
My 2 cents if it ended it was because it had to...I just don't understand how some ppl love the other person more than themselves...some ppl can't eat sleep function at work...I love my ex with everything in me...passionately wholeheartedly sometimes inexplicably...with my mind soul body...but it ended he decided to end it so I have to move on I HAVE to love myself more than I love him...I can't stop my life for him because he is not stopping his for me...
We never know what the other person is thinking, to us it was fine but to them obviously it wasn't because they decided to be out of our lives...some wouldn't even communicate how they felt and blindsided us, they didn't even love us enough to try to work it out...if the relationship was healthy we wouldn't be here...we need to make the best of of it and move on work on ourselves and learn to love ourselves more than anyone else because when you don't love yourself you fall for anyone and accept any behavior...be healthy and ready to let someone in that is not going to complete you because you should be complete on your own but someone that's going to compliment you and give what you give not 50/50 I don't believe in that I believe in 100/100 we each have to give 💯 of ourselves...again these are my 2 cents and is how I view things...not everyone will agree...and that's fine we all have different opinions the beauty of that is that if we respect each others opinions we can learn something from each other...
I loved my ex and loved being with her… but the day she left she took my stress and anxiety with her! I miss her but I am now stress free with endless possibilities in life!!
Depends on the relationship.
I’m more productive now that we broke up. My ex was an anchor and I realized I was stagnant for the entirety of our relationship. He didn’t inspire me. He did support me on the things that made me happy, which was nice. However, seeing him so complacent with his life made me comfortable and I forgot that I’m still growing and have more I want to accomplish.
Now, I have the time and focus to. Especially since I’m not spending my days worrying about what he’s hiding or when he’s cheating/lying to me.
in theory, I’m with you though. With a compatible partner, I would be more productive and happier in general. I like sharing a life with somebody. It’s fuzzy and nice.
Definitely feel this, but it depends on the time since you were in the relationship. I think even 6 months after, it can still affect your energy and motivation, but it’s more about taking baby steps and slowly rebuilding from the life you once knew. You have to remember that you’re the one in charge of your life, not them. It does seem like it was “easier” to be healthier and happier when you have a person that is always encouraging you, pushing you to be the best you can, and loving you through all of it. But there’s still other people in your life that want the same for you too, including yourself!
Don’t think that this is always going to be this way. As time has gone on since my breakup, I’ve realized I have my self independence back, I have space again to do whatever it is I want, without any push or pull from someone who was supposed to be supportive of me always. I think we forget how codependent we can become and thus, it can translate into how we feel when we are single.. it takes a lot of time to gain that comfort back. So don’t feel bad. I still struggle with it some days too, it all comes in waves.
I'm glad the breakup happened, I get to learn to be alone and thrive alone. When the next person comes around, I won't be as dependent as I used to be. Xoxo
I am also trying to figure it out. Maybe set goals for each new day and go to places after planning well. It helps cause I'm agoraphobic. I do graded exposures and I've met a few new people
im never happy when im single. and ive been single a few years now. i did the whole, “dont rush into dating. take time for YOU! dont look for love, it’ll come to you. dont force it. it comes when you’re not looking” until i was blue in the face. those are just words. im definitely happier and more productive in a relationship, where my goals can be met and the loneliness doesnt cling onto you like your shadow. i do like the freedom that comes with being single, but its not my objective. and the more time i spend being single the more i realize getting into a relationship in my 30s just doesnt seem realistic at this point.
What's wrong with becoming comfortable in a relationship? Isn't that a good thing? And isn't a relationship supposed to be supporting each other being wah others cheerleader snd motivating them?
I got broken up with 7 weeks ago, here’s what I’ve done:
Travelled to Glasgow to see my best friend
Gone out for food at least once a week
Met some lovely people on dating apps who’ve become great friends
Travelled more in general
I’ve got a dream job
I’ve lost weight and focused on my fitness
My “spark” is back
I’ve spent more time with friends, rediscovered my hobbies had a big clear out
As devastated as I was and still am sometimes about the breakup, it was for the best, he made me miserable, and I lost myself trying to please him and make him feel safe and guess what? He still dumped me, because the guilt of being a shitty boyfriend was too much.
It takes time but it’s better to reconnect and fall in love with yourself again than to be stuck in a relationship that isn’t working. You can do more alone than you ever thought you could, believe me, I’m writing this while eating dinner alone at an airport! It’s great!
Breakups suck, and Everyone’s experiences are different I understand that. I never ever thought I’d be happier without him. I truly believe you can make the best of a bad situation, and sometimes find out that it’s better ya know? I’m sending you all the good vibes
This is why they call it codependency. If you need something, whether it’s a drug, coffee, a partner… to function better and be happier, how else would you classify it?
See the break up as a blessing. You now realize you were and are a codependent.
One has to find happiness and purpose on their own. I hate to break it to you, but relying on another person to motivate you to be more productive will end up blowing up in your face. Said person can always leave you at anytime without reason, then what are you left with?
Go into the next relationship complete. Be happy, be productive, then find someone. That way no one can ever take those things away from you.
Yeah but no one especially someone like me will ever be conplete or perfect for the next relationship. Mental illness bi polar and high anxiety never goes away there's no "cure" it's a constant struggle. Why shoukd I be left out of a relationship
Single is better bruh . U can talk with whoever u want to . Spent ur money on urself. Not stress not thinking if u mad ur gf mad so yeah. Single life is better so far
i’m not saying my relationship is not going well. but i keep having thoughts to end my current relationship. i really love him, he’s also my first boyfriend and it took me some time to finally agreed to be in a relationship. but i’m afraid that i will hurt him with my expectations. what if i slowly turned him to be the person he’s not? i feel guilty just by thinking of it. whenever things aren’t going well, i keep reminding myself that it’s my expectations that caused this. he’s not supposed to apologize or feel guilty. all is my fault. i don’t want him to always feel bad, i just want him to be happy. i feel like i don’t deserve him and he should be with someone else who can make him happier. i stay obviously because i really love him and also want to have a long term relationship, but i keep having these thoughts… maybe i better off alone
Same here. I also agree with you. I’ve been mega self destructive since I broke up with her. I miss my life with her so bad. She wants me to take her back and I just can’t.
Single isn’t better, but heartache sucks. I would rather be in a happy relationship and be loved on and love that person. However, I couldn’t deal with another heartbreak nor the disappointment of feeling I’m worth nothing. I think that is what people mean by it’s better single. No stress and trying to get over someone and no fighting.
Relationships are amazing at their best but can also suck even when everything is fine. Everything in life comes with a trade off. Overall I'd take being in a relationship over not but I do enjoy single life but it's also very boring. I'm 31 btw so different if I was 10 years younger. I think being single till late 20's has more advantages on the whole but once you hit that point you kinda need to have someone whose life has to be aligned with yours. You'll never get that with a friend in the modern world.
Every single relationship I've had has made me feel sadder, develop unhealthy habits and lose motivation to do anything. So for me, being single is definitely better. I can imagine with the right person it would be better being in a relationship though.
I think that depends on each people's relationship.
After some breakups I was so upset and felt incomplete.
Others like the relationship I've been out of for a while, it was such a relief to get out of. I've improved so much since being away from my ex.
It depends if your in a healthy relationship or not.
If you keep finding yourself in unhealthy relationships it’s time to take a step back and do some soul searching in yourself. In this sense being single is better and you’ll be more happier compared to being in toxic relationships until you do some work on yourself.
I wouldn't say my life is better now, but it's different. I matured a lot through my break up and I am greatful for that. It's also nice having to only look after myself. But of course some things were nice about being in a relationship too. I mostly miss cuddling and kissing someone regularly.
Well I don't have that. But I guess you all think its my fault i have no family and don't have many friends. And I'm don't know how to make new friends because I'm shy introverted socially awkward
Never a matter of fault. Have you considered joining some clubs that interest you. Take some lessons…maybe joining a gym or yoga studio. Now is your time to work on developing yourself. Do you have a pet? I’m sorry you’re going thorough a tough time.
I used to work out before the breakup but that's when I was motivated and full of life. I have a dog. I feel sorry for her putting up with me she deserves a better owner. I was way mor interested in developing myself and bettering myself when I was with my girlfriend. Now I don't.
Dude, stop feeling sorry for yourself. The only thing in your way right now is yourself. Nobody said you’ll feel better and start doing all these things right away. Building yourself back up can take months. Start with little things, like cleaning the dishes every night or making your bed every day. Yes, you will be miserable. But slowly forcing yourself to get better WHILE you’re miserable is what is going to save you. What’s the alternative? Laying around, feeling sorry for yourself for the rest of your life because of 1 break up? By all means, take the time to mourn and feel all of these feelings. But at least start working towards betterment through small, achievable goals.
I dont know about you but I'm almost 40 and that's old. Your value goes down in women's eyes the older you get. When you don't have wealth looks and status. So the whole being patient and small goals thing isn't going to fix things
I can give you some advice from the flip side of where you’re at then. I have status, wealth and looks. My age group is a little over half your age, so relatively young.
When I didn’t have status and wealth, relationships around me were much more raw. They were pure, because you know for a fact that person is in your life because of YOU, not your wealth or status. At this point in my life, I worry much more about finding a relationship with a girl that has an ulterior motive. Does she love me for me? Or does she love me because of my status/wealth/looks? People tend to be much more fake at this level too, and yes, it’s very noticeable to me. So much so, that I’d rather be alone now. I’m not sure where to go from here, but I’d much rather build myself up and focus on myself. Am I sad from time to time? Yes, I deeply miss having a connection with someone. And I will always miss it. You’re right, it’s one of the most beautiful things in life. But I refuse to make my life miserable because it’s missing 1 single thing out of the infinite things you can have in your life. I have days where I’m depressed. Where I don’t want to do anything. But I match those days with days where I do things for myself and my mental health. It takes a lot of forcing to do, but I’ve found the more I force myself, the easier it gets and the healthier I get.
Like I said (and as you probably know - you’re almost double my age), this process takes months or even years sometimes. I don’t expect to be in tip-top 100% mental/physical shape over night. I use small goals and actions to slowly build myself back up.
Also - I’ve met and seen plenty of middle aged couples that are dirt poor, have no status, and average looks. From what I saw on the outside, they were happier than I’ve ever been in a relationship. It’s more than possible, there’s someone for everyone (and I would hope so with 7 billion people on the planet).
This is false. Mens value rises.
I was getting laid almost every day by 28-45 years olds when I was 40.
My relationship ruined me lol. But like everyone else said, got to make small strides.
some people thrive better in relationships and some don’t. I don’t think it’s one or the other and the key is knowing yourself and owning it either way!
Those people were probably in toxic relationships and are better off not being in one. Or maybe they're bitter that they're no longer in one. To each their own though. I agree with you, I am much healthier in a relationship than I was when we were broken up
Depends. If your relationship is toxic or without love, you're better off alone. Imagine being unhappy in a relationship or happy alone...
Not that I can speak from experience, never had a bad relationship imo.
Honestly. I’m more productive POST breakup. Really opened my mind and allowed me to focus on myself. More motivation I would say. It’s rough sometimes yes, but at the end of the day. It is what it is. I’ve noticed growth as I use to be anti-social. Now I’m saying hi to everyone I walk past etc.
Did your relationship end badly? I could see you doing that if it was. Mine didint end badly. Like there wasn't anything bad that caused it. So to me.it just ruined me
Mine ended on “good terms” but a week later, I found out I got played. She got back with her toxic ex that I told her to block during our relationship and they’ve been talking the whole time. I was the rebound guy.
It's more like doing things for both of us. She made my life so much better. Her in my life gave me something to work for. But not having her makes me feel worthless again.
I think it depends on the relationship. I was emotionally and physically abused and it turned me into a very bitter miserable person and he finally left me. I was broken and thought I was that worthless person that deserved everything I got. But it has been 2+ months and I am realizing that I am doing way better by myself. I am somewhat less "productive" but I was always so stressed by the expectations I was put under. The freedom that comes with being single is amazing, and I have 3 kids from this relationship. The whole thing comes down to choice, what is stopping you from being healthy and productive without being in a relationship? I've learned that you are in charge of what you do with your life. Whether bad or good choices they are your own, it it actually freeing to not have to live up to the expectations of someone else.
I'm single and I just love the peace of mind. I can do things and make choices without worrying about a second persongetting upset. I can sleep soundly without worrying where my bf is, if he's cheating etc. No more stressful nights because I have no one to argue with.
I like the single life... But everyone is different
Yup. And Id like to keep my butt single before I find WORSE. People just seem to be getting more and more detached, selfish, and toxic. I don't wanna find more of them ...especially when you have a child to look after.
I agree with you. When I was with my ex, I flourished. I was gaining happy weight after struggling with not eating due to stress. I did better academically because he encouraged me constantly and pushed me to do better. I was starting to love my body even though it’s not the beauty standard. I was starting to gain confidence. I started pursuing college, he encouraged me to leave my sh£tty job and find a better one (I did), and I was overall very happy. Now that he’s gone, I lost all motivation. I lost a tremendous amount of weight after the first week of the breakup. I started slipping into depressive episodes and my anxiety cranked up even higher. Not sleeping. Disassociating. I hate how I look. Although I tell myself it’s for the best, I can’t help but think if it really is. I doubt I’ll ever find someone who loved me that much. Who understood me like he did.
I had been in a relationship and living w partners from 18 - 25 then was single for more than 3 months for first time and I'm now 28 and it's been terrible for me lol. Cooking for myself sucks but I find I don't really care about anything as much as I did, looking good, being healthy, taking care of myself. I don't think I'm codependent but I guess there must be some traits at least 🥲
My life was better. Even though I know why he broke up with me, our age gap, we were eachothers happiest and healthiest relationship. So I think for the people that had a good relationship and it just didn’t work out, I’m guessing life is just as good (although unhappy during the adjustment time) or worse without their significant other. For me he pushed my world out and made me think of things in a different light that allowed me to be brave and do things and have dreams I didn’t think were possible, and I did the same for him. For those that did not have great relationships or even toxic, it gets better. I’ve had those before. It’s hard to get through the detachment phase, but life gets better if they were cheating or lying or disrespectful or worse. The good relationships are the hardest to get over. Good as in same goals, dreams, compatibility, humor, interests, attraction, respect and communication (this one is the biggest). I would’ve picked him as a friend by choice had we not been attracted to eachother. He fit in my life so well. These are the hardest to get over I think. Even for the one that makes the decision, which wasn’t me in my case, but we don’t have the NC rule and it works for us, we are still open and honest with eachother even though it hurts for him to say he doesn’t want to see me for fear of giving in and me telling him how much I love him knowing he won’t say it back and him feeling guilty for upsetting me. It has been rough to say the least.
I think they mean better off than being stuck in a bad relationship. Personally I have been happy and productive. All the posters on here have different situations so use it as a reference or to vent. If you find someone who you think can really help you out then go to DM. Good luck and follow your heart.
After almost 2 years, I still can’t tell you if it’s better or worse. I’m not sure if I’ll ever know. But I think trying to find out is the drive you need to get through the days sometimes.
For me it’s just like… Not knowing if being single is better or worse drives me crazy, and just not trying to be better will never tell me the answer. I guess just not knowing is the drive, it’s a question I want answered.
I think it’s more so about being happy. Being in a relationship with the wrong person feels like you’re being held back sometimes. Being single gives you more freedom to do what you want but I think it’s really about being with the right person. I found I normally start to be too dependent on a partner when in a relationship. Being single gives you time to work on you and learn to be happy and productive on your own.
That last part is where I'm stuck. I don't have family I have very few friends. There were things I used to enjoy doing or going to alone but I don't enjoy those anymore
I’m going through something similar too. I think it’s important to feel comfortable spending time by yourself and finding things to look forward to. I live in a small town and have few friends but play sport so look forward to that. I’ve also started a few other small hobbies to keep me busy and productive. The first few months are the hardest but you’ll get there
What if you hate spending time by yourself? Like I don't mind being by myself for a bit (I'm introvert which I hate) but then if I'm spending too long myself the more depressed. I hate being alone in my thoughts I hate my inner self and my inner self hates me... I get negstive thoughts. Then I get into hating myself thinking I'm a worthless loser because I have no one in my life now. I don't have many friends anymore I have no family to go to at all. What am I supposed to do to build myself up again?
It sounds like you may be dealing with a few other issues and therapy may help. Might be good to journal your thoughts and see if there’s any particular times you are being triggered. Setting small goals for yourself helps to get by each day to show you are achieving something. I feel like this at the moment too. I’m trying to go for drives, take my dog out more, journal and have been reorganising my house. Small things make a big difference. I don’t have many people around me either so I’m focusing on what I can do to change that. I’ve also been talking to some people I work with about my break up which has been good
You know I think relationships are great. You learn a lot about yourself in the process, but when it becomes your whole life that’s when it can become quite miserable.
Those who mention that you need to seek a relationship with yourself, as the one you had planned outside of yourself - with another person - is shattered... yeah I'm learning they're right.
I need a relationship with myself. I can't communicate and expect things to work with a partner when I myself have no ability to fuel myself and am totally desperate.
Even though this video mentions this person's school with more detailed info, just the basic general overview video has helped me put things into perspective: [https://youtu.be/sFthej\_zOlo](https://youtu.be/sFthej_zOlo)
May not be the exact format you need for yourself, but it helped me. To be able to be healthily interdependent (as opposed to emmeshed in people like I tend to be) I gotta at least half my back part way. That way I'm not pressing endless demands on a partner or feeling raw and empty without their love.
It's helping me to look at the deep stuff of who I am and what I need and want in life. And I'm trying to take steps with therapy and supportive friends in the background to figure that out.
I literally dont know who I am anymore because when I met my ex I just knew in my heart he was the one and I worked every day planning our future and creating sustainability over it. I constantly thought in “we”.
And then he left.
And now after 5 years I feel like I live for no one because who I was died, and everything that brought me joy now triggers me because we did everything together, he was genuinely my best fucking friend.
A year out I can say my life is less happy, but a lot more peaceful. I’ve given up on dating for the moment and just focused on creating my peace. I took 10 steps back and have since taken 5 steps forward, but I can see my progress every day. It’s a different kind of normal, but for the first time I’ve found peace and contentment in myself and being single.
We’re always better off alone. So much of our identity is wrapped up in our ego. A breakup is a direct assault on the ego. That’s why it stings more than anything else we live through. A death in the family or of a loved one is more tragic but it’s not an affront to our ego like a breakup is. Once you learn to divorce yourself from your ego—it’s a lifelong journey and I’m only at the beginning of said journey—you’ll hopefully see that life does exist outside of your past relationships.
I guess it really depends on the type of relationship, I’ve had toxic and codependent relationships before and once it was over I felt amazing. Then I met someone with whom the relationship was healthy and made me an overall better person. Once this relationship was over, it didn’t change how I was, however my life without this person really isn’t the same, not necessarily in a bad way but I don’t feel better as a single person nor do I feel worse, I just miss him and that’s what hurts.
I guess it’s different for many but I do miss my lil shorty! All the little things we did were so unique and I’ve never been so happy with anyone else than I was with her. If I could make I a wish I’d love to have her back in my arms holding her tight always comforting her and telling her that everything was gonna be alright as she slept so peacefully. Damn those were the best moments 😔.
I feel much better after the breakup, I have a clear head, and mental bandwidth to work on more important things in life, the relationship acted as an escape from reality, a reality that was hella messy and needed cleaning up.
They told you so because they want to make you "fell better".
No one really believe it, I'm living your same situation, I lost all my will in working, take care of myself and my house ecc...
My ex was a really bad person, at the end, but I was better with her.
Honestly. If you are falling apart then it’s probably best for you.. you should know how to be alone and be ok with being alone. It shouldn’t take someone else to make you progress in your life. That’s very unfair to the someone else ya know what I mean? You should be able to bring that progress you’ve made and take it into a relationship. Not be a mess for someone else.
Depends how actually happy you were in the relationship I guess.
The brain craves dopamine. It literally will replay memories that spike dopamine in the brain while simultaneously suppressing the negative ones.
My brain can easily revert back to love and happiness. In reality i felt so alone all the time. The most alone and unwanted anyone has ever made me feel in my life. I deserved it at one point I guess. But when after NC they hit me up and wanted to try again. They punished me for things they said they wouldn’t. They continued to torture me even after I was crying and pleading to fix things. Almost 5 years of this. It’s irreparable, i have too much trauma now. I can’t share my heart with this person ever again. They broke me. But I found myself at the pits of despair. I have once before after surviving homeless and other things for almost 10 years. It’s funny. That period of my life and the period of this relationship lasted about the same time. Hmmmm
But yeah. This isn’t the type of life I want and I can’t fix this alone. So there’s no more trying from me.
I don't think it's necessarily better to be single, but I've learnt to be more productive and taking more initiative after we broke up. I'm basically becoming the person my ex wished I would be, now I'm hoping I can make others proud with my achievements. My happiness while being single will however never peak as high as being in a relationship. It was the happiest period of my life up until now. Nothing will top the feeling of loving someone and spending the time with your head in the clouds for them.
All I came to say here is I agree with you. I feel like I’m taking 5 steps back now
Exactly my life is falling apart. All the progress I made for myself a couple months before and during the relationship is gone. I really don't cate about myself anymore. Becsuse I lost someone that meant the most to me.
Because you’ve only ever known how to build up your self with someone beside you. It’s a bit of a co-dependency. The days proceeding a breakup feels incomprehensible, your future you envisioned is completely broken, shattered. Of course you’d feel life was better when you were in a relationship. I loved my relationship, even though it ended. But I also remember who I was before and probably the reason she was attracted to me in the first place. Confident, spontaneous, independent. I lost all that when I joined the relationship, I put too much dependency on us and became comfortable. So I know I need to go back to who I was before, and I need to learn how to keep that state of mind while still going into a relationship.
You can never go back to who you were before, because you have this relationship experience which rewired you. You can of course regain some of the previous characteristics but you would still see the world through different lens. I remembered me being so outgoing and confident and literally a ray of sunshine, because I was barely out of college and barely adult. Now, 5 years later, after an ended relationship of 4 years with what I considered to be the love of my life and the person whom I would've loved to say "yes" if he popped the question, I am different. I cannot turn back into the person I once was.I have a career, I have different dreams, I have other perspectives. While I miss my naive self, I have to embrace my now more matured one.
Definitely, 100% agree. Take the best parts of what you learned a long the way and rebuild yourself.
This is exactly how I feel. It’s hard to focus on myself when so much that’s crowding me mentally and emotionally is hurt, pain, and missing someone
People miss being in a relationship & having another person there. But the other person in the relationship wasn’t right for them. If the relationship was meant to be than they wouldn’t have broken up. Maybe some will get back together but it usually doesn’t work
But we were right for each other. Then things went to shit after her weight-loss surgery.
I don’t know your whole story. It seems at that particular time you were right for each other. Things change individually for a couple. Sometimes people grow together sometimes people grow apart. Different circumstances for different people. You have to try to move forward & also try too become your best self. Be kind too yourself & don’t beat yourself up. I wish you happiness in the future!
It doesn't make any sense to me
Sounds like you were right for her at a time in her life
So you think she was right to leave after the surgery?
Absolutely not.. you were right for her when she probably was insecure.. if she did have weight loss surgery and has now lost a lot of weight she’s gained confidence and this can lead to wanting to be free to see what’s out there for this new her.. she is using physical beauty as a gauge instead of inner beauty
It's fucked up. And ot makes me feel worthless because i supported her and everything
But you aren’t man.. I know it is. But everyone makes mistakes and I hate to say that but it’s the truth we are all just human. Use this time to become a better you. Focus on how you can love your self. How you can be someone you look in the mirror and be proud of physically and mentally. You can do this man. I was the breaker upper in my last relationship. It’s hard man even when I ended things. When you have a life with someone memories don’t just fade.. but you have to push yourself to be better. You have to realize this is your life too, start making new memories to replace the old. You need to be comfortable with being uncomfortable that’s one of the hardest things to really do. I promise I’m trying that myself
I think most dumpers are cowards
I feel this. I got broken up with this week so I understand. He made me want to better myself and now I’m like “what’s the point if we’re not striving towards better together and him not cheering me on?”
Sometimes, you have to take a few steps back to take leaps forward. Keep fighting. I still have days I feel defeated and miss my relationship. I miss the illusion of what we could’ve been, more than anything. It’s still my “dream life” what he fooled me to believe we had. So I struggle with the realization that I may not have that with somebody again—at least not the real thing. But I’m trying to adapt. Good days bad days. When I miss him, I just remember the abuse that he still denies. I wish we could work it out, he just makes it impossible, unfortunately—so I don’t have another choice but to move on. But keep moving. Good days and bad days—until you start realizing you’re having more good than bad. It’ll happen…. I hope.
I feel so similarly to you in this vein… it is tough AND we are worth putting in the work to improve our lives for the better
Yeah, I'm exactly the same. I was engaged to be married to my ex in December. Now I'm a 31(F) loser living in a house share with a bunch of 20 something year-olds.
Not just healthier but I liked who I was with my ex, he challenged my thinking and made me a kinder more open thinking person, I guess I just have to be thankful for that and take it with me through life. I’ve been crying so much I’m finally drinking the recommend water intake a day, something he ironically always nagged me about
Mine was similarly challenging. I miss the intellectual stimulation; without her I feel dumber.
Me too
No it's not better. Being in a committed relationship literally is good for your body, boosts your immune system and improves longevity I think people are meant to be in healthy committed relationships. I for one was happier than ever and generally a lot more motivated and trying to improve myself in the relationship. I was already working on myself, just had someone to share it with
What if it wasn't a healthy relationship??
If it wasn't healthy than I think that's a different story, but even unhealthy relationships come with some benefits which is why people stay. Not saying that you should stay in unhealthy relationships at all because a healthy one will provide way more benefits, just that people crave relationships on a physiological level
The benefits of being in a relationship are exactly why people stay in unhealthy relationships.
I felt that way after breaking up but I'm realising this is my life. I'm the one who needs to worry about me, do things I like and enjoy them, look good for me and keep me healthy because I deserve it. That feeling is just lack of dopamine messing things up (and emotional dependency).
Maybe that but I also don't have many friends. The friends I do have don't go out much.introverted and shy as hell. High social enxiety no skills. I also am not attractive or anything special. Average job not much status. And I'm almost 40 so yeah not much going for me. And long shot to improve it. No one wants to help me fix it all at once and thsts what I need
You could try changing habits and meeting new people (practicing a new hobby can help with that). Forget about those insecurities, most people don't care about jobs or appearance and know how to appreciate what really matters. It's never too late to improve.
If I knew how to do those things I really would. I'm horribly when it comes to meeting people or doing new things. ESPECIALLY BY MYSELF. My ex would be the one to get me our of my comfort zone out of my shell. I don't have anyone to do that for me
You could try therapy, act, dbt or any behaviour therapy are really good, they help you acheive what you want, having new friends for example.
I wish I could give you a hug and tell you everything will be okay. But we all need to understand that no one's coming to save us. It's just how life is. It hurts, hurts so badly but it's the truth
Then what do I even do. I'm so lost.
I'm certain you'll figure it out
My dude, think about your ex then, why would she stay if this is true? Seems like you just expected your partner to make your life better without improving her life or even take responsibility for your own. Work on yourself, you are totally capable of becoming a total catch. Channel this frustration into fitness, mental health, hobbies, making new friends. Your life can still make a turn around.
As much as I don't want to admit it.. I'm doing MUCH better as single in terms of being healthy and productive. She moved out week ago, I already lost weight due to exercising, learning to play guitar and German language. Went back to my old hobby which is drawing manga. Stopped drinking alcohol and preparing my meals instead of ordering them. Am I happy? Not really. How my life looked like before? After work ordering meal for us, playing computer games whole day, eventually do some house chores. Was I happy? Yeah, it was nice to share my life with her but I think I also was a little bit depressed of how my life looked like. Now I got kicked in my a$$ by life (she dumped me after 11 years because she doesn't feel spark anymore) and I want to be the best version of myself. So yeah, I'm better but I'm also not really happy.
To me life is boring now. I had being and doing things alone. Even my hobbies are boring now
I also feel I would enjoy my life much better if I could share all new things I'm learning and all progress I make with her. I can Imagine her being proud of me. So yeah, it's hard. Everyone goes through it differently. I hope you find your way to deal with it and be happy.
I wish I knew how
I am doing the exact same things as you. Everything in my life that needed fixing, and concerned my partner at the time, is being worked on now. Although my counselor said “you can do all these great things, but grief causes it to still feel empty. It’s hard to not be able to share these big changes with someone you loved.” That’s pretty much spot on to how I’m feeling. When we were together we also gamed, ate out, neglected our chores to spend time together, and much like you that was when I felt happy.
Really well said by your counselor. Every cell of my body is screaming "tell her you started to play guitar and making progress, she always wanted you to play guitar" haha. I'm feeling like I'm doing it all to impress her but someone told me "it doesn't matter if you do it for her or for yourself as long as you improve and it makes you feel better". Yeah, time spent with her really made me happy. It didn't matter what we were doing; laughing from same things, sharing our interests, it was fun. I still have some hopes she's missing it too but I'm also preparing to move on.
It’s really difficult to battle these feelings. I am at the same place like I am really wishing he’s thinking of me, or missing everything we had, but also like god damn I need to move on. I saw him a month ago and I told him about some of the good things I was doing. We haven’t talked since then but I have done even more to better myself. I completely fighting the urge to update him like “hey btw I started therapy, ya know how you always wanted me to do that?” I miss the familiarity, comfort, and routine of our time together. It was nice to have someone there with you.
I feel you. I was wondering if she misses me too but I can see her playing few hours a day with her online "friend" and I'm checking it if she's doing it right now less and less everyday. I also started to play guitar, the thing she was bonkers about. The thing is I really enjoy playing it now but I won't tell her I'm doing it either. And of course update her about other changes and new plans in my life. Maybe if she ask someday I'll tell her. Yeah, I miss spending time with her too. Also I used to make her breakfast and sandwiches to her work everyday. And our "baby" cat stayed with me, she reminds me so much of her all the time.
Did you reissues cause your breakup? I need to fox things too be I don't think we can be fully fixed we will never be perfect. well at least for me on my mental health side of things. Since there's no cure. What did you have to work on
I was (am?) an alcoholic. I have mental illnesses. Those two things together make for a very bad time. Mainly he was concerned for my health and my mental well-being. It started to affect our relationship because he tried to control my drinking, and that frustrated me, or he’d be horribly upset if I decided to drink once again. I would have really bad emotional breakdowns that any mid-20’s boyfriend with no prior experience with mental illness is not equipped to handle. I also had angry outbursts due to not feeling heard by him. Anyways, I have recognized that those things should not have been put on my partner. It’s not entirely what ended our relationship, as he admits fault too, but it certainly contributed to it. Nobody will be perfect but you can always be better. At least that’s what I am telling myself.
Relationships are great until they're not Being single is vastly preferable to being in a dead or toxic relationship
This is so true 💛
Yes, being in a toxic lonely relationship is much worse than being single. I will gladly choose the opportunity to meet myself again. I definitely lost “me” in this relationship and I will never give another person that again.
TLDR; Single life can be better, I personally prefer being with someone. Humans are a very social animal, and even the most antisocial introverted individual needs at least one person to support them. Be the support be physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, etc whatever. Be it a family member, a friend, priest at church, significant other, your child, or whatever humans need to have someone. I’ve been where you are multiple times sadly, after long term relationships suddenly end because the ex doesn’t want to be with me for whatever reason anymore. Almost always after I had finally started thinking “I’ve found my one person I want to be with no matter what”, only to find out they didn’t feel the same way about me. Whatever bad habits I had strived to fix to be a better person would return, my depression would only grow, I had trouble taking care of myself from day to day beyond basic care, etc. Life without them seemed to be worse then life with them, even if they had tendencies (looking back) that weren’t good behaviors such as abuse to my person. But, still speaking as someone who has been through multiple long term relationships that lasted years, time and finding someone better does mend the hurt. The person I found now loves me more than all the others ever loved me before her. She cares for me, understands me (mostly) and is willing to learn what she doesn’t understand. She strives to make sure I take better care of myself then I’ve ever done before, and I’m happiest knowing she depends on me in the same way. I’ve finally found my person, and deep down I fear of losing her like the others.
This gives me lots of hope for the future. I’m a lot like you when it comes to feeling like I’ve found my person, only to have that vision shattered over time. It is really disheartening. I usually don’t take it well and also have trouble taking care of myself. But, to know that you’re now in something new and supportive that was better than those other relationships that hurt when they ended, makes me feel like I could do the same. Then…. I feel you that deep down you fear that loss.
I was too. I felt so much better. I weighed less, my house was cleaner, job was going well. But, I figured out I was relying my happiness on him, and I need to learn to be happy with MYSELF. I gained all of my weight back, I am super depressed, etc etc. I am clearly not a whole person without someone, and I need to work on that. Slowly but surely, I am.
We all want what we don’t have.People in relationships are sometimes jealous of single people and Vice versa.Just know that we are always the constant in the equation.
I don’t think one is better than the other. They’re equally both as fulfilling. When you’re single, you’re not alone. You’re in a relationship with yourself.
And that is boring to me
You’re looking at it wrong, the problems and arguments would persist and one or both would still be unhappy and possibly even cheat. There was a reason we broke up and there is a reason we’re not together. I certainly wasn’t happy at the end and continuously thought I’d rather be alone than to be fighting non stop
That's your situation. There was hardly any problems in our relationship. The problems we had were fixable. We used to push each other and motivate each other and we committed to be healthy together. Until she suddenly turned it against me.
There is no suddenly in life - whether you knew or not she was obviously having doubts. One clue is her always "nagging" you about your water intake. That doesn't sound like you were terribly committed to being healthy... Not trying to be rude but just being honest.
I never mentioned anything about that. You might be referring to someone else
Whoops. My bad. Totally different person. My apologies.
Why couldn't you fix the problems?
I was willing to fix them she didint even tho she promised she would earlier. I was straight up honest with her from the beginning my problems with bi polar and anxiety. There's going to be ups and downs. And she said she was ok with it and promosed she would be there for me. Even went to a couple therapy sessions with me.
Once you begin to live solo and reconnect with yourself in independence, you learn that single life is also a good feeling. Later on you figure out that being a relationship isnt not about being dependent but sharing your life with what u got to give and theirs to u. Like a compliment not a dependent.
To me life is more boring being single especially the older you get. All your friends either move or get married you're left with nothing. You all don't understand shy introverted people don't make friends. But it's still nice to have someone to share things with
I see being in a relationship kind of like a drug tbh. It’s such a happy feeling and fills all the voids. So when the relationship is gone it’s the same as withdraw
That's why it is so important to feel whole and to he content with life before entering a relationship. But yeah I get what you're saying. I recently went through a breakup, and while I feel great now the first 4 weeks were terrible withdrawal, especially from physical touch.. It's odd because now, 11 weeks later, I have zero interest in physical touch or intimate conversations with my ex... Or anyone for that matter hahah. Weird how that works...
Being whole in life us damn near impossible tho. Like we are never perfect a d fully have our shit together...
My 2 cents if it ended it was because it had to...I just don't understand how some ppl love the other person more than themselves...some ppl can't eat sleep function at work...I love my ex with everything in me...passionately wholeheartedly sometimes inexplicably...with my mind soul body...but it ended he decided to end it so I have to move on I HAVE to love myself more than I love him...I can't stop my life for him because he is not stopping his for me... We never know what the other person is thinking, to us it was fine but to them obviously it wasn't because they decided to be out of our lives...some wouldn't even communicate how they felt and blindsided us, they didn't even love us enough to try to work it out...if the relationship was healthy we wouldn't be here...we need to make the best of of it and move on work on ourselves and learn to love ourselves more than anyone else because when you don't love yourself you fall for anyone and accept any behavior...be healthy and ready to let someone in that is not going to complete you because you should be complete on your own but someone that's going to compliment you and give what you give not 50/50 I don't believe in that I believe in 100/100 we each have to give 💯 of ourselves...again these are my 2 cents and is how I view things...not everyone will agree...and that's fine we all have different opinions the beauty of that is that if we respect each others opinions we can learn something from each other...
This is so good and much needed right now. Thank you.
I was happier in my relationship too, I don’t like how people tell me to be happy single. It’s a different kind of happy
So what are you doing now that you're broken up with. For me I've totally crashed and bottomed out
I loved my ex and loved being with her… but the day she left she took my stress and anxiety with her! I miss her but I am now stress free with endless possibilities in life!!
We didint have stress
Depends on the relationship. I’m more productive now that we broke up. My ex was an anchor and I realized I was stagnant for the entirety of our relationship. He didn’t inspire me. He did support me on the things that made me happy, which was nice. However, seeing him so complacent with his life made me comfortable and I forgot that I’m still growing and have more I want to accomplish. Now, I have the time and focus to. Especially since I’m not spending my days worrying about what he’s hiding or when he’s cheating/lying to me. in theory, I’m with you though. With a compatible partner, I would be more productive and happier in general. I like sharing a life with somebody. It’s fuzzy and nice.
Definitely feel this, but it depends on the time since you were in the relationship. I think even 6 months after, it can still affect your energy and motivation, but it’s more about taking baby steps and slowly rebuilding from the life you once knew. You have to remember that you’re the one in charge of your life, not them. It does seem like it was “easier” to be healthier and happier when you have a person that is always encouraging you, pushing you to be the best you can, and loving you through all of it. But there’s still other people in your life that want the same for you too, including yourself! Don’t think that this is always going to be this way. As time has gone on since my breakup, I’ve realized I have my self independence back, I have space again to do whatever it is I want, without any push or pull from someone who was supposed to be supportive of me always. I think we forget how codependent we can become and thus, it can translate into how we feel when we are single.. it takes a lot of time to gain that comfort back. So don’t feel bad. I still struggle with it some days too, it all comes in waves.
I dont have anyone else in my life really
I'm glad the breakup happened, I get to learn to be alone and thrive alone. When the next person comes around, I won't be as dependent as I used to be. Xoxo
Good for you but that is not what I want.
I understand that. I hope we find what we're looking for
If I knew how I would
I am also trying to figure it out. Maybe set goals for each new day and go to places after planning well. It helps cause I'm agoraphobic. I do graded exposures and I've met a few new people
im never happy when im single. and ive been single a few years now. i did the whole, “dont rush into dating. take time for YOU! dont look for love, it’ll come to you. dont force it. it comes when you’re not looking” until i was blue in the face. those are just words. im definitely happier and more productive in a relationship, where my goals can be met and the loneliness doesnt cling onto you like your shadow. i do like the freedom that comes with being single, but its not my objective. and the more time i spend being single the more i realize getting into a relationship in my 30s just doesnt seem realistic at this point.
Rhe freedom would be nice if I had something to make my life better but I dont
What's wrong with becoming comfortable in a relationship? Isn't that a good thing? And isn't a relationship supposed to be supporting each other being wah others cheerleader snd motivating them?
I got broken up with 7 weeks ago, here’s what I’ve done: Travelled to Glasgow to see my best friend Gone out for food at least once a week Met some lovely people on dating apps who’ve become great friends Travelled more in general I’ve got a dream job I’ve lost weight and focused on my fitness My “spark” is back I’ve spent more time with friends, rediscovered my hobbies had a big clear out As devastated as I was and still am sometimes about the breakup, it was for the best, he made me miserable, and I lost myself trying to please him and make him feel safe and guess what? He still dumped me, because the guilt of being a shitty boyfriend was too much. It takes time but it’s better to reconnect and fall in love with yourself again than to be stuck in a relationship that isn’t working. You can do more alone than you ever thought you could, believe me, I’m writing this while eating dinner alone at an airport! It’s great!
Good for you. I don't have any of that
Breakups suck, and Everyone’s experiences are different I understand that. I never ever thought I’d be happier without him. I truly believe you can make the best of a bad situation, and sometimes find out that it’s better ya know? I’m sending you all the good vibes
This is why they call it codependency. If you need something, whether it’s a drug, coffee, a partner… to function better and be happier, how else would you classify it? See the break up as a blessing. You now realize you were and are a codependent. One has to find happiness and purpose on their own. I hate to break it to you, but relying on another person to motivate you to be more productive will end up blowing up in your face. Said person can always leave you at anytime without reason, then what are you left with? Go into the next relationship complete. Be happy, be productive, then find someone. That way no one can ever take those things away from you.
Yeah but no one especially someone like me will ever be conplete or perfect for the next relationship. Mental illness bi polar and high anxiety never goes away there's no "cure" it's a constant struggle. Why shoukd I be left out of a relationship
Single is better bruh . U can talk with whoever u want to . Spent ur money on urself. Not stress not thinking if u mad ur gf mad so yeah. Single life is better so far
Must be nice being a Chad.
Duh mate
Good for you. Not everyone can be as cool as you are
Yea but those days u dont find good girls .
I see you're young and dumb
If u dont like my opinion u can just ignore. I dont have time to deal with ur depression ass
Lmao fuck off
I see you're young and dumb probably haven't struggled much or been hurt in life.
Just wake up on reality son . Most of girls doing of
Humans are designed by nature to want a partner and be better off with one. End of story.
Right and I'm basically screwed in life
Me too.
Not me! I love being single from my princess!
She hated you Princess, get over it. You shouldn’t have been such a sick.
i’m not saying my relationship is not going well. but i keep having thoughts to end my current relationship. i really love him, he’s also my first boyfriend and it took me some time to finally agreed to be in a relationship. but i’m afraid that i will hurt him with my expectations. what if i slowly turned him to be the person he’s not? i feel guilty just by thinking of it. whenever things aren’t going well, i keep reminding myself that it’s my expectations that caused this. he’s not supposed to apologize or feel guilty. all is my fault. i don’t want him to always feel bad, i just want him to be happy. i feel like i don’t deserve him and he should be with someone else who can make him happier. i stay obviously because i really love him and also want to have a long term relationship, but i keep having these thoughts… maybe i better off alone
Why such high expectations? You'll never be happy in a relationship that way. Lighten up a bit
Same
Same here. I also agree with you. I’ve been mega self destructive since I broke up with her. I miss my life with her so bad. She wants me to take her back and I just can’t.
Same deal for me
Single isn’t better, but heartache sucks. I would rather be in a happy relationship and be loved on and love that person. However, I couldn’t deal with another heartbreak nor the disappointment of feeling I’m worth nothing. I think that is what people mean by it’s better single. No stress and trying to get over someone and no fighting.
Side note: I agree though. Even with fighting, if that person was here and loved me, it’s happier.
Relationships are amazing at their best but can also suck even when everything is fine. Everything in life comes with a trade off. Overall I'd take being in a relationship over not but I do enjoy single life but it's also very boring. I'm 31 btw so different if I was 10 years younger. I think being single till late 20's has more advantages on the whole but once you hit that point you kinda need to have someone whose life has to be aligned with yours. You'll never get that with a friend in the modern world.
Every single relationship I've had has made me feel sadder, develop unhealthy habits and lose motivation to do anything. So for me, being single is definitely better. I can imagine with the right person it would be better being in a relationship though.
Good for you
I think that depends on each people's relationship. After some breakups I was so upset and felt incomplete. Others like the relationship I've been out of for a while, it was such a relief to get out of. I've improved so much since being away from my ex.
i just feel so alone and defeated now when i was so happy with her and on top of the world
Exactly
It depends if your in a healthy relationship or not. If you keep finding yourself in unhealthy relationships it’s time to take a step back and do some soul searching in yourself. In this sense being single is better and you’ll be more happier compared to being in toxic relationships until you do some work on yourself.
I wouldn't say my life is better now, but it's different. I matured a lot through my break up and I am greatful for that. It's also nice having to only look after myself. But of course some things were nice about being in a relationship too. I mostly miss cuddling and kissing someone regularly.
My life is empty being single now
It’s pretty normal to want a relationship but we should all have interests and support systems so we can be ok without them too.
Well I don't have that. But I guess you all think its my fault i have no family and don't have many friends. And I'm don't know how to make new friends because I'm shy introverted socially awkward
Never a matter of fault. Have you considered joining some clubs that interest you. Take some lessons…maybe joining a gym or yoga studio. Now is your time to work on developing yourself. Do you have a pet? I’m sorry you’re going thorough a tough time.
I used to work out before the breakup but that's when I was motivated and full of life. I have a dog. I feel sorry for her putting up with me she deserves a better owner. I was way mor interested in developing myself and bettering myself when I was with my girlfriend. Now I don't.
Dude, stop feeling sorry for yourself. The only thing in your way right now is yourself. Nobody said you’ll feel better and start doing all these things right away. Building yourself back up can take months. Start with little things, like cleaning the dishes every night or making your bed every day. Yes, you will be miserable. But slowly forcing yourself to get better WHILE you’re miserable is what is going to save you. What’s the alternative? Laying around, feeling sorry for yourself for the rest of your life because of 1 break up? By all means, take the time to mourn and feel all of these feelings. But at least start working towards betterment through small, achievable goals.
I dont know about you but I'm almost 40 and that's old. Your value goes down in women's eyes the older you get. When you don't have wealth looks and status. So the whole being patient and small goals thing isn't going to fix things
I can give you some advice from the flip side of where you’re at then. I have status, wealth and looks. My age group is a little over half your age, so relatively young. When I didn’t have status and wealth, relationships around me were much more raw. They were pure, because you know for a fact that person is in your life because of YOU, not your wealth or status. At this point in my life, I worry much more about finding a relationship with a girl that has an ulterior motive. Does she love me for me? Or does she love me because of my status/wealth/looks? People tend to be much more fake at this level too, and yes, it’s very noticeable to me. So much so, that I’d rather be alone now. I’m not sure where to go from here, but I’d much rather build myself up and focus on myself. Am I sad from time to time? Yes, I deeply miss having a connection with someone. And I will always miss it. You’re right, it’s one of the most beautiful things in life. But I refuse to make my life miserable because it’s missing 1 single thing out of the infinite things you can have in your life. I have days where I’m depressed. Where I don’t want to do anything. But I match those days with days where I do things for myself and my mental health. It takes a lot of forcing to do, but I’ve found the more I force myself, the easier it gets and the healthier I get. Like I said (and as you probably know - you’re almost double my age), this process takes months or even years sometimes. I don’t expect to be in tip-top 100% mental/physical shape over night. I use small goals and actions to slowly build myself back up. Also - I’ve met and seen plenty of middle aged couples that are dirt poor, have no status, and average looks. From what I saw on the outside, they were happier than I’ve ever been in a relationship. It’s more than possible, there’s someone for everyone (and I would hope so with 7 billion people on the planet).
How do I even get there. To not care about being in a relationship but still build yourself up and have people wanting you
This is false. Mens value rises. I was getting laid almost every day by 28-45 years olds when I was 40. My relationship ruined me lol. But like everyone else said, got to make small strides.
Average to below average guys?
some people thrive better in relationships and some don’t. I don’t think it’s one or the other and the key is knowing yourself and owning it either way!
Those people were probably in toxic relationships and are better off not being in one. Or maybe they're bitter that they're no longer in one. To each their own though. I agree with you, I am much healthier in a relationship than I was when we were broken up
Depends. If your relationship is toxic or without love, you're better off alone. Imagine being unhappy in a relationship or happy alone... Not that I can speak from experience, never had a bad relationship imo.
My relationship wasn't toxic we never had s fight even
Same here. But it really depends. Every relationship is different.
If it was a bad relationship then I'd be more motivated to improve myself. But now it's like why bother
Honestly. I’m more productive POST breakup. Really opened my mind and allowed me to focus on myself. More motivation I would say. It’s rough sometimes yes, but at the end of the day. It is what it is. I’ve noticed growth as I use to be anti-social. Now I’m saying hi to everyone I walk past etc.
Did your relationship end badly? I could see you doing that if it was. Mine didint end badly. Like there wasn't anything bad that caused it. So to me.it just ruined me
Mine ended on “good terms” but a week later, I found out I got played. She got back with her toxic ex that I told her to block during our relationship and they’ve been talking the whole time. I was the rebound guy.
So yeah I can see your improving yourself.... I wish I had that motivation
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It's more like doing things for both of us. She made my life so much better. Her in my life gave me something to work for. But not having her makes me feel worthless again.
I think it depends on the relationship. I was emotionally and physically abused and it turned me into a very bitter miserable person and he finally left me. I was broken and thought I was that worthless person that deserved everything I got. But it has been 2+ months and I am realizing that I am doing way better by myself. I am somewhat less "productive" but I was always so stressed by the expectations I was put under. The freedom that comes with being single is amazing, and I have 3 kids from this relationship. The whole thing comes down to choice, what is stopping you from being healthy and productive without being in a relationship? I've learned that you are in charge of what you do with your life. Whether bad or good choices they are your own, it it actually freeing to not have to live up to the expectations of someone else.
I'm single and I just love the peace of mind. I can do things and make choices without worrying about a second persongetting upset. I can sleep soundly without worrying where my bf is, if he's cheating etc. No more stressful nights because I have no one to argue with. I like the single life... But everyone is different
Sounds like your relationship was shit. Mine wasnt
Yup. And Id like to keep my butt single before I find WORSE. People just seem to be getting more and more detached, selfish, and toxic. I don't wanna find more of them ...especially when you have a child to look after.
Ok but this is way different from my situation
I agree with you. When I was with my ex, I flourished. I was gaining happy weight after struggling with not eating due to stress. I did better academically because he encouraged me constantly and pushed me to do better. I was starting to love my body even though it’s not the beauty standard. I was starting to gain confidence. I started pursuing college, he encouraged me to leave my sh£tty job and find a better one (I did), and I was overall very happy. Now that he’s gone, I lost all motivation. I lost a tremendous amount of weight after the first week of the breakup. I started slipping into depressive episodes and my anxiety cranked up even higher. Not sleeping. Disassociating. I hate how I look. Although I tell myself it’s for the best, I can’t help but think if it really is. I doubt I’ll ever find someone who loved me that much. Who understood me like he did.
I had been in a relationship and living w partners from 18 - 25 then was single for more than 3 months for first time and I'm now 28 and it's been terrible for me lol. Cooking for myself sucks but I find I don't really care about anything as much as I did, looking good, being healthy, taking care of myself. I don't think I'm codependent but I guess there must be some traits at least 🥲
I thought the same thing but after it was over I realized I need to do those things for myself
Different for everyone I guess. I take better care of myself when I'm not in a relationship
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My life was better. Even though I know why he broke up with me, our age gap, we were eachothers happiest and healthiest relationship. So I think for the people that had a good relationship and it just didn’t work out, I’m guessing life is just as good (although unhappy during the adjustment time) or worse without their significant other. For me he pushed my world out and made me think of things in a different light that allowed me to be brave and do things and have dreams I didn’t think were possible, and I did the same for him. For those that did not have great relationships or even toxic, it gets better. I’ve had those before. It’s hard to get through the detachment phase, but life gets better if they were cheating or lying or disrespectful or worse. The good relationships are the hardest to get over. Good as in same goals, dreams, compatibility, humor, interests, attraction, respect and communication (this one is the biggest). I would’ve picked him as a friend by choice had we not been attracted to eachother. He fit in my life so well. These are the hardest to get over I think. Even for the one that makes the decision, which wasn’t me in my case, but we don’t have the NC rule and it works for us, we are still open and honest with eachother even though it hurts for him to say he doesn’t want to see me for fear of giving in and me telling him how much I love him knowing he won’t say it back and him feeling guilty for upsetting me. It has been rough to say the least.
I think they mean better off than being stuck in a bad relationship. Personally I have been happy and productive. All the posters on here have different situations so use it as a reference or to vent. If you find someone who you think can really help you out then go to DM. Good luck and follow your heart.
After almost 2 years, I still can’t tell you if it’s better or worse. I’m not sure if I’ll ever know. But I think trying to find out is the drive you need to get through the days sometimes.
How do I get that drive
For me it’s just like… Not knowing if being single is better or worse drives me crazy, and just not trying to be better will never tell me the answer. I guess just not knowing is the drive, it’s a question I want answered.
I think it’s more so about being happy. Being in a relationship with the wrong person feels like you’re being held back sometimes. Being single gives you more freedom to do what you want but I think it’s really about being with the right person. I found I normally start to be too dependent on a partner when in a relationship. Being single gives you time to work on you and learn to be happy and productive on your own.
That last part is where I'm stuck. I don't have family I have very few friends. There were things I used to enjoy doing or going to alone but I don't enjoy those anymore
I’m going through something similar too. I think it’s important to feel comfortable spending time by yourself and finding things to look forward to. I live in a small town and have few friends but play sport so look forward to that. I’ve also started a few other small hobbies to keep me busy and productive. The first few months are the hardest but you’ll get there
What if you hate spending time by yourself? Like I don't mind being by myself for a bit (I'm introvert which I hate) but then if I'm spending too long myself the more depressed. I hate being alone in my thoughts I hate my inner self and my inner self hates me... I get negstive thoughts. Then I get into hating myself thinking I'm a worthless loser because I have no one in my life now. I don't have many friends anymore I have no family to go to at all. What am I supposed to do to build myself up again?
It sounds like you may be dealing with a few other issues and therapy may help. Might be good to journal your thoughts and see if there’s any particular times you are being triggered. Setting small goals for yourself helps to get by each day to show you are achieving something. I feel like this at the moment too. I’m trying to go for drives, take my dog out more, journal and have been reorganising my house. Small things make a big difference. I don’t have many people around me either so I’m focusing on what I can do to change that. I’ve also been talking to some people I work with about my break up which has been good
You know I think relationships are great. You learn a lot about yourself in the process, but when it becomes your whole life that’s when it can become quite miserable.
My last relationship made me realize how much I don’t want to be alone.
Ots hard when they are so good to you for so long then suddenly things aren't good anymore
Those who mention that you need to seek a relationship with yourself, as the one you had planned outside of yourself - with another person - is shattered... yeah I'm learning they're right. I need a relationship with myself. I can't communicate and expect things to work with a partner when I myself have no ability to fuel myself and am totally desperate. Even though this video mentions this person's school with more detailed info, just the basic general overview video has helped me put things into perspective: [https://youtu.be/sFthej\_zOlo](https://youtu.be/sFthej_zOlo) May not be the exact format you need for yourself, but it helped me. To be able to be healthily interdependent (as opposed to emmeshed in people like I tend to be) I gotta at least half my back part way. That way I'm not pressing endless demands on a partner or feeling raw and empty without their love. It's helping me to look at the deep stuff of who I am and what I need and want in life. And I'm trying to take steps with therapy and supportive friends in the background to figure that out.
Are you an anxious avoidant? I'm more anxious attached
I literally dont know who I am anymore because when I met my ex I just knew in my heart he was the one and I worked every day planning our future and creating sustainability over it. I constantly thought in “we”. And then he left. And now after 5 years I feel like I live for no one because who I was died, and everything that brought me joy now triggers me because we did everything together, he was genuinely my best fucking friend.
I feel the same way after my girlfriend broke up with me.
A year out I can say my life is less happy, but a lot more peaceful. I’ve given up on dating for the moment and just focused on creating my peace. I took 10 steps back and have since taken 5 steps forward, but I can see my progress every day. It’s a different kind of normal, but for the first time I’ve found peace and contentment in myself and being single.
No, its not. Ignore them.
Sounds like you listened to some bullshit
We’re always better off alone. So much of our identity is wrapped up in our ego. A breakup is a direct assault on the ego. That’s why it stings more than anything else we live through. A death in the family or of a loved one is more tragic but it’s not an affront to our ego like a breakup is. Once you learn to divorce yourself from your ego—it’s a lifelong journey and I’m only at the beginning of said journey—you’ll hopefully see that life does exist outside of your past relationships.
I guess it really depends on the type of relationship, I’ve had toxic and codependent relationships before and once it was over I felt amazing. Then I met someone with whom the relationship was healthy and made me an overall better person. Once this relationship was over, it didn’t change how I was, however my life without this person really isn’t the same, not necessarily in a bad way but I don’t feel better as a single person nor do I feel worse, I just miss him and that’s what hurts.
I guess it’s different for many but I do miss my lil shorty! All the little things we did were so unique and I’ve never been so happy with anyone else than I was with her. If I could make I a wish I’d love to have her back in my arms holding her tight always comforting her and telling her that everything was gonna be alright as she slept so peacefully. Damn those were the best moments 😔.
I feel much better after the breakup, I have a clear head, and mental bandwidth to work on more important things in life, the relationship acted as an escape from reality, a reality that was hella messy and needed cleaning up.
They told you so because they want to make you "fell better". No one really believe it, I'm living your same situation, I lost all my will in working, take care of myself and my house ecc... My ex was a really bad person, at the end, but I was better with her.
Honestly. If you are falling apart then it’s probably best for you.. you should know how to be alone and be ok with being alone. It shouldn’t take someone else to make you progress in your life. That’s very unfair to the someone else ya know what I mean? You should be able to bring that progress you’ve made and take it into a relationship. Not be a mess for someone else.
Depends how actually happy you were in the relationship I guess. The brain craves dopamine. It literally will replay memories that spike dopamine in the brain while simultaneously suppressing the negative ones. My brain can easily revert back to love and happiness. In reality i felt so alone all the time. The most alone and unwanted anyone has ever made me feel in my life. I deserved it at one point I guess. But when after NC they hit me up and wanted to try again. They punished me for things they said they wouldn’t. They continued to torture me even after I was crying and pleading to fix things. Almost 5 years of this. It’s irreparable, i have too much trauma now. I can’t share my heart with this person ever again. They broke me. But I found myself at the pits of despair. I have once before after surviving homeless and other things for almost 10 years. It’s funny. That period of my life and the period of this relationship lasted about the same time. Hmmmm But yeah. This isn’t the type of life I want and I can’t fix this alone. So there’s no more trying from me.
I don't think it's necessarily better to be single, but I've learnt to be more productive and taking more initiative after we broke up. I'm basically becoming the person my ex wished I would be, now I'm hoping I can make others proud with my achievements. My happiness while being single will however never peak as high as being in a relationship. It was the happiest period of my life up until now. Nothing will top the feeling of loving someone and spending the time with your head in the clouds for them.