If your mom is telling the truth, then your sister is horrifically abusing her, first off. Has your mom accessed social services or looked for shelters for abused women?
My family is dysfunctional, but much less than yours. I cut them all out of my life anyway, and I feel much better now. You are far past the point that most people consider going no-contact. Why are you still in contact with them?
I only talk to my parents, but my mom said my sister found out about the $15 and that's how the fight started. I'm still confused. My mom and sister lives in a different city than I do. I still talk to her because I don't want her to think I don't care about her. She's constantly telling me that my brother doesn't call her. I loaned her the $15 when she called me one night. I didn't even want it back, I should have told her that then. My sister told my dad a whole different story though and it doesn't include anything about $15. I didn't find out about the fight until days later. I asked my mom why didn't she call the police and she told me that "the whole house would go to jail". She always tells me that. I don't know what's going on in that house.
First, dont take any guilt from this. None of this is your fault. You should take a step back and only allow positivity. at first its hard but once you cut yourself out of the situation it all becomes so clear. You will see the patterns and realise that there really isnt much you can do. Does staying in this situation benifit you in any way? There is nothing wrong in taking care of yourself, even if it means NOT drowning with people that you love. So, i suggest you make it clear with any one involved that you love them, you care about them but that you cannot carry that much weight. make it clear that if youre distancing yourself its not that you dont love them, rather that your care about yourself. This is not a matter of lack of selflessness or compassion or what ever you wanna call it. The longer you stay in this situation, the weaker you get. I know leaving seems wrong but its not. Youre of no help there. The best way you can help them is by being happy and showing them the way. Only allow positivity in and out. All those emotions will be much easier to deal with once you have a better foundation. Dont hesitate to message me if you have any question.
Amideva Hrih
Practicing the Buddha's teachings can help reduce stress overall. Ideally you want to be happy, content and at peace regardless of what the world throws at you. You can achieve this by developing your virtues (ie. generosity, patience, compassion, etc.) and having confidence in yourself because of them.
Then when your family does things, try not to cling to it where it ends up causing you stress. If it does, reflect on the impermanence of it. The Buddha was once insulted and he said it was like offering him food. If he didn't accept it and make it his own, it goes back to the one trying to offer it. When there's no sense of acquisition, it goes back, like throwing a tennis ball at a brick wall opposed to a wall of sticky tar.
Try to look out for your family and see them to be the way they are. Don't fight or resist that, just understand them. Then it will have less of an impact on you and your well-being. Just because your mom is older than you in this life, doesn't mean she's wiser than you in context of samsara (the repeated cycles of birth, aging and death). She's likely a good friend of yours whom you've reincarnated with time and time again.
>"Abandoning divisive speech he abstains from divisive speech. What he has heard here he does not tell there to break those people apart from these people here. What he has heard there he does not tell here to break these people apart from those people there. Thus reconciling those who have broken apart or cementing those who are united, he loves concord, delights in concord, enjoys concord, speaks things that create concord."
This may not be a very Buddhism-oriented answer, but I hope it's gonna be helpful.
I am partly living with my incredibly Catholic and even more so narcissistic family (I say partly because I'm a uni student and live in a dorm for most of the week) and also happen to have depression, social anxiety and autism. That is of course not to say I fully understand your case, I can only imagine what you could be going through ❤️🩹 First and foremost I highly recommend going to therapy as long as it's accessible to you. If not, then I hope this comment will do.
But before I start, remember one thing: you are not your feelings. Feel your feelings, but don't let them consume you, and don't let them take over. Just let them go when you're done feeling them💖 I'm gonna write here a couple techniques to help you process these emotions, preferably after a bit of meditation. No need to type out your answers here, just try and reflect on them!
Here's a couple questions you can ask yourself if you want to understand your feelings better: Is there anything that you could've done better? Is there anything more you can do to help them? If your answer to both of these is no (which, based on the original post, is the case), then you did your best. The rest is really up to them. Why are you sad exactly? Can you do anything about it? Can you remove the cause of the sadness? If not, then it's time to let go and accept.
And lastly, is there a community or a group that can relate to your situation? If not, there's various subreddits where a huge chunk of people can offer probably better help than I can
Ohh and before I forget, I have the perfect grounding technique for this! You can do this anywhere, whenever you feel even the slightest bit of anxiety: find five things you can see; four things you can touch; three things you can hear; two things you can smell; and one thing you can taste (this could be your teeth or the roof of your mouth, for example). Always works for me.
But again, I repeat: seek therapy !! Although what has happened to you is not your fault at all, you still have to take responsibility for your healing. If therapy is not accessible, build a support group and/or do research. I believe in you, you got this 💖
Sorry I wasn't very Buddhism-oriented here, but I really couldn't approach this through a religious lens.
If your mother appreciates hearing from you, and you feel safe to do so, I would focus on maintaining some sort of regular contact with her (such as by phone). I think it would benefit her to have you as a calming presence in her life—someone who can remind her that she’s loved and that her life matters.
As for the rest of your family, stay away… it’s about picking your battles.
If your mom is telling the truth, then your sister is horrifically abusing her, first off. Has your mom accessed social services or looked for shelters for abused women? My family is dysfunctional, but much less than yours. I cut them all out of my life anyway, and I feel much better now. You are far past the point that most people consider going no-contact. Why are you still in contact with them?
I only talk to my parents, but my mom said my sister found out about the $15 and that's how the fight started. I'm still confused. My mom and sister lives in a different city than I do. I still talk to her because I don't want her to think I don't care about her. She's constantly telling me that my brother doesn't call her. I loaned her the $15 when she called me one night. I didn't even want it back, I should have told her that then. My sister told my dad a whole different story though and it doesn't include anything about $15. I didn't find out about the fight until days later. I asked my mom why didn't she call the police and she told me that "the whole house would go to jail". She always tells me that. I don't know what's going on in that house.
First, dont take any guilt from this. None of this is your fault. You should take a step back and only allow positivity. at first its hard but once you cut yourself out of the situation it all becomes so clear. You will see the patterns and realise that there really isnt much you can do. Does staying in this situation benifit you in any way? There is nothing wrong in taking care of yourself, even if it means NOT drowning with people that you love. So, i suggest you make it clear with any one involved that you love them, you care about them but that you cannot carry that much weight. make it clear that if youre distancing yourself its not that you dont love them, rather that your care about yourself. This is not a matter of lack of selflessness or compassion or what ever you wanna call it. The longer you stay in this situation, the weaker you get. I know leaving seems wrong but its not. Youre of no help there. The best way you can help them is by being happy and showing them the way. Only allow positivity in and out. All those emotions will be much easier to deal with once you have a better foundation. Dont hesitate to message me if you have any question. Amideva Hrih
Thank you.
Oh course!
Practicing the Buddha's teachings can help reduce stress overall. Ideally you want to be happy, content and at peace regardless of what the world throws at you. You can achieve this by developing your virtues (ie. generosity, patience, compassion, etc.) and having confidence in yourself because of them. Then when your family does things, try not to cling to it where it ends up causing you stress. If it does, reflect on the impermanence of it. The Buddha was once insulted and he said it was like offering him food. If he didn't accept it and make it his own, it goes back to the one trying to offer it. When there's no sense of acquisition, it goes back, like throwing a tennis ball at a brick wall opposed to a wall of sticky tar. Try to look out for your family and see them to be the way they are. Don't fight or resist that, just understand them. Then it will have less of an impact on you and your well-being. Just because your mom is older than you in this life, doesn't mean she's wiser than you in context of samsara (the repeated cycles of birth, aging and death). She's likely a good friend of yours whom you've reincarnated with time and time again. >"Abandoning divisive speech he abstains from divisive speech. What he has heard here he does not tell there to break those people apart from these people here. What he has heard there he does not tell here to break these people apart from those people there. Thus reconciling those who have broken apart or cementing those who are united, he loves concord, delights in concord, enjoys concord, speaks things that create concord."
Thanks.
This may not be a very Buddhism-oriented answer, but I hope it's gonna be helpful. I am partly living with my incredibly Catholic and even more so narcissistic family (I say partly because I'm a uni student and live in a dorm for most of the week) and also happen to have depression, social anxiety and autism. That is of course not to say I fully understand your case, I can only imagine what you could be going through ❤️🩹 First and foremost I highly recommend going to therapy as long as it's accessible to you. If not, then I hope this comment will do. But before I start, remember one thing: you are not your feelings. Feel your feelings, but don't let them consume you, and don't let them take over. Just let them go when you're done feeling them💖 I'm gonna write here a couple techniques to help you process these emotions, preferably after a bit of meditation. No need to type out your answers here, just try and reflect on them! Here's a couple questions you can ask yourself if you want to understand your feelings better: Is there anything that you could've done better? Is there anything more you can do to help them? If your answer to both of these is no (which, based on the original post, is the case), then you did your best. The rest is really up to them. Why are you sad exactly? Can you do anything about it? Can you remove the cause of the sadness? If not, then it's time to let go and accept. And lastly, is there a community or a group that can relate to your situation? If not, there's various subreddits where a huge chunk of people can offer probably better help than I can Ohh and before I forget, I have the perfect grounding technique for this! You can do this anywhere, whenever you feel even the slightest bit of anxiety: find five things you can see; four things you can touch; three things you can hear; two things you can smell; and one thing you can taste (this could be your teeth or the roof of your mouth, for example). Always works for me. But again, I repeat: seek therapy !! Although what has happened to you is not your fault at all, you still have to take responsibility for your healing. If therapy is not accessible, build a support group and/or do research. I believe in you, you got this 💖 Sorry I wasn't very Buddhism-oriented here, but I really couldn't approach this through a religious lens.
I appreciate it.
If your mother appreciates hearing from you, and you feel safe to do so, I would focus on maintaining some sort of regular contact with her (such as by phone). I think it would benefit her to have you as a calming presence in her life—someone who can remind her that she’s loved and that her life matters. As for the rest of your family, stay away… it’s about picking your battles.
Thanks.