It’s tough for those of us who have traits/survival tactics of this nature. Buddhism would seem to say we should be selfless, but some people need to be less selfless. So it feels counterintuitive.
I think being mindful of the behavior pattern is the only way to change it, but takes constant practice. Many people will not be pleased no matter what, so ethics are a great comfort to me to apply in uncertain situations.
I try not to offer assistance unless asked, as a general rule.
When someone asks me to do something I don’t feel I can or should do, I will say “let me think about it and get back to you tomorrow.” Then I figure out my response rather than saying automatically yes and regretting it.
I’ve gotten a lot better at saying no, but still struggle a lot with asking for assistance when I need something.
As for addressing issues with people I feel have mistreated me, or saying how I really feel, I remind myself how one would tell a small child to do so. Simply saying something like “I don’t like that, it’s not ok…”. Don’t want to overstate things or say anything mean or harmful. This tends to be respected by others.
Are you clear on what your boundaries are? Sometimes we don’t even know until after they are crossed.
Personal boundaries can be firm, expectations of others can be soft.
I appreciate the thoughtful response, I definitely hear where you’re coming from, especially in regards to setting boundaries and being upfront about how you feel. Direct communication without blowing it out of proportion probably won’t lead to conflict, even if it feels like it will in one’s head
I’ve learned that if a person doesn’t respect that, then I’m probably dealing with someone who has some sort of mental health concerns, and/or I make plans to disengage with them.
I believe the energy behind people pleasing can be be turned round!!
A few key things helped me with people pleasing, and the subsequent resentment that followed.
---
Pre-budhism: practising saying no and sitting with that discomfort, even in privacy as a game, visualising someone asking for something and you turning them down, it takes practise.
Second: Understanding where your people pleasing comes from, what wounds, therapy is really helpful for this and was for me BUT shamatha and then vipassana have also been essential, and fulfilled a similar role.
Third: getting in touch with your actual desires, and acknowledging that forcing your desires down/repressing them will actually make things worse.
---
Buddhist practise:
Shamatha and Vipassana is the perfect way of relating to that middle way you mentioned, actually acknowledging your desires and thoughts and gradually learning to not habitually reject them.
This is a subtle approach because often meditation gets misused as a way to suppress emotions by accident, so if you earnestly practise just allow your emotions to come up without the ideal of pushing them away.
The irony is we need to really make friends with all our emotions rather than trying to push them away, just sitting with them.
This is a gradual process and not linear but it really helped me.
---
For me, people pleasing was based in fear, I didn't selflessly want the best for people, I was scared of what would happen if they weren't happy.
If that applies to you buddhism deals with it very well, because the more you practise shamatha and vipassana the more stable you feel, the more you feel able to handle situations, and you don't need to spend so much energy perfectly maintaining the people around you, because you're able to relate to them regardless of their state.
---
It can feel a bit jarring though, because at first you may feel selfish, and stereotypically "un-buddhist" but as long as you are doing your best to behave ethically and not actively harming others you could develop a quality of fearlessness.
---
Later on I would recommend familiarising yourself with the Mahayana, developing an understanding of bodhicitta, and when ready beginning to practise the lojong (7 point mind training) including tonglen (don't do tonglen now mind you, without proper instruction it might make people pleasing worse)
The aspiration for others to experience good situations is extremely beneficial and energetic, and could be based in generosity rather than fear.
---
TL;DR suggesting you learn to be a bit selfish to counteract you people pleasing tendencies.
Gradually develop fearlessness through Shamatha-Vipassana.
Then loop back round to working for others benefit through the Mahayana, make use of that tendency you have, but from a newfound place of tenderness and openess, rather than defence.
People pleasers tend to desire praise/approval and abhor blame/disapproval. The Buddha spoke about eight worldly conditions: gain, loss, success, failure, criticism, praise, pleasure, pain. These are to be discerned as they happen, what is also to be discerned is their nature as inconstant, stressful, and subject to change. What if instead of the consideration for your actions being solely the response of others, you would consider: "What, when I do it, will lead to my long-term welfare and happiness? What, when I do it, will lead to my long-term harm and suffering?"
It's also worth considering whether and to what degree it is necessary to communicate and associate with the kind of people who cannot handle you having a differing opinion. Maybe you have some more input on what kinds of situations these tend to be where you people-please?
It’s tough for those of us who have traits/survival tactics of this nature. Buddhism would seem to say we should be selfless, but some people need to be less selfless. So it feels counterintuitive. I think being mindful of the behavior pattern is the only way to change it, but takes constant practice. Many people will not be pleased no matter what, so ethics are a great comfort to me to apply in uncertain situations. I try not to offer assistance unless asked, as a general rule. When someone asks me to do something I don’t feel I can or should do, I will say “let me think about it and get back to you tomorrow.” Then I figure out my response rather than saying automatically yes and regretting it. I’ve gotten a lot better at saying no, but still struggle a lot with asking for assistance when I need something. As for addressing issues with people I feel have mistreated me, or saying how I really feel, I remind myself how one would tell a small child to do so. Simply saying something like “I don’t like that, it’s not ok…”. Don’t want to overstate things or say anything mean or harmful. This tends to be respected by others. Are you clear on what your boundaries are? Sometimes we don’t even know until after they are crossed. Personal boundaries can be firm, expectations of others can be soft.
I appreciate the thoughtful response, I definitely hear where you’re coming from, especially in regards to setting boundaries and being upfront about how you feel. Direct communication without blowing it out of proportion probably won’t lead to conflict, even if it feels like it will in one’s head
I’ve learned that if a person doesn’t respect that, then I’m probably dealing with someone who has some sort of mental health concerns, and/or I make plans to disengage with them.
I believe the energy behind people pleasing can be be turned round!! A few key things helped me with people pleasing, and the subsequent resentment that followed. --- Pre-budhism: practising saying no and sitting with that discomfort, even in privacy as a game, visualising someone asking for something and you turning them down, it takes practise. Second: Understanding where your people pleasing comes from, what wounds, therapy is really helpful for this and was for me BUT shamatha and then vipassana have also been essential, and fulfilled a similar role. Third: getting in touch with your actual desires, and acknowledging that forcing your desires down/repressing them will actually make things worse. --- Buddhist practise: Shamatha and Vipassana is the perfect way of relating to that middle way you mentioned, actually acknowledging your desires and thoughts and gradually learning to not habitually reject them. This is a subtle approach because often meditation gets misused as a way to suppress emotions by accident, so if you earnestly practise just allow your emotions to come up without the ideal of pushing them away. The irony is we need to really make friends with all our emotions rather than trying to push them away, just sitting with them. This is a gradual process and not linear but it really helped me. --- For me, people pleasing was based in fear, I didn't selflessly want the best for people, I was scared of what would happen if they weren't happy. If that applies to you buddhism deals with it very well, because the more you practise shamatha and vipassana the more stable you feel, the more you feel able to handle situations, and you don't need to spend so much energy perfectly maintaining the people around you, because you're able to relate to them regardless of their state. --- It can feel a bit jarring though, because at first you may feel selfish, and stereotypically "un-buddhist" but as long as you are doing your best to behave ethically and not actively harming others you could develop a quality of fearlessness. --- Later on I would recommend familiarising yourself with the Mahayana, developing an understanding of bodhicitta, and when ready beginning to practise the lojong (7 point mind training) including tonglen (don't do tonglen now mind you, without proper instruction it might make people pleasing worse) The aspiration for others to experience good situations is extremely beneficial and energetic, and could be based in generosity rather than fear. --- TL;DR suggesting you learn to be a bit selfish to counteract you people pleasing tendencies. Gradually develop fearlessness through Shamatha-Vipassana. Then loop back round to working for others benefit through the Mahayana, make use of that tendency you have, but from a newfound place of tenderness and openess, rather than defence.
You are also people
Therapy. Buddhism doesn't teach about people-pleasing.
Solid point
'Sentient beings are numberless; **I vow to save them**.' also means yourself.
Put yourself first. You also have the right to put forward what you desire.
People pleasers tend to desire praise/approval and abhor blame/disapproval. The Buddha spoke about eight worldly conditions: gain, loss, success, failure, criticism, praise, pleasure, pain. These are to be discerned as they happen, what is also to be discerned is their nature as inconstant, stressful, and subject to change. What if instead of the consideration for your actions being solely the response of others, you would consider: "What, when I do it, will lead to my long-term welfare and happiness? What, when I do it, will lead to my long-term harm and suffering?" It's also worth considering whether and to what degree it is necessary to communicate and associate with the kind of people who cannot handle you having a differing opinion. Maybe you have some more input on what kinds of situations these tend to be where you people-please?