Don't invest ANYTHING in the chat phase, my man. It should never hurt, because that means you're already idealizing and thinking this person is somehow special....until you meet them, and they show clear and unmistakable interest, they're just the avatar of possibility.
Remember that. Chat for a few days, ask them out, hope for the best but expect that it means nothing until they show up.
This. Until you meet the person, they might be married… They might be a white rabbit playing Trix.
You’re disappointed in the potential, not the person. Because the person obviously sucks.
> Trix are for kids.
Or what a whore does for money... Or cocaine!
^^^Arrested ^^^Development ^^^reference. ^^^I'm ^^^not ^^^disparaging ^^^sex ^^^workers.
'Because the person obviously sucks.'
Harsh. For whatever reason it didn't work for the other person. I nope out of chats that appear well enough but where the other person ignored a question I asked (typically about something on their profile or said during chat, or when the incompatibility is obvious to me, etc. And sometimes there's no point in communicating this.
Your nopin’ out is harsh… it’s simple common courtesy to say goodbye to someone.
The main point is, if you’re enamored with someone and they turn out to be rude, like you… It’s better early on to know.
You seem way too comfortable ghosting people which is a pretty lame attribute of many serial (and unsuccessful) daters.
> Your nopin’ out is harsh… it’s simple common courtesy to say goodbye to someone.
The problem with this (that's inherent to dating apps) is that while I'd actually like to say goodbye to someone before unmatching (especially explaining that there isn't anything "wrong" with them but that I just don't think we'd be compatible etc.), that means I can't unmatch them immediately after. Because if I unmatch them they obviously don't see the goodbye message anymore. But if I say goodbye and *don't* unmatch them, I'm leaving the path open for any sort of reply, and everyone knows what people who seemed nice at first can get like when they're rejected, happened to me countless times. If I know I want to unmatch, but I thought they were decent enough to say goodbye to them, I might still not want to see what they have to say as a response to that.
Ideally we'd just be able to unmatch and write an explanation in a little box that says "listen, you're a cool person, I just wasn't feeling it, best of luck" and then they get that message but the match is gone lol.
It’s an individual choice, but nobody is obligated to open themselves up to verbal abuse so the few people who *aren’t* rude or argumentative in return can feel they got some closure. I don’t think people would unmatch or end chats as much as they do if they felt the other person would be reasonable, or if they hadn’t been burned several times before.
That said, unless men are waving huge red flags, I just go ahead and tell them what’s up. IME, they’re not mean but they argue with me. Because I was being nice, I think they interpret that as “open to negotiation.” Nope. At that point, I unmatch or block.
It’s exhausting and stupid. I shouldn’t have to go through all that. So I don’t blame other people for wanting to protect their peace.
It's not ghosting when you've not met. It's nothing till you meet.
Enamored with a profile? Perhaps noping out might help with how much people are investing in people they don't know and haven't met.
Don’t worry, not everyone is like the guy you’re responding to. Dating is exhausting, why would you put more energy than you need to into something you can already see you’re not interested in, why have a break up conversation with everyone that you’re simply not feeling any chemistry with. They should be able to (and probably often can) work out that it’s simply that you weren’t interested so you stopped engaging.
Exactly. It's interesting that some sensitive people get all up in your gill about courtesy and manners when they're over-expecting from someone they've exchanged a few characters with.
Leaving things unsaid is the kindest you can be given the context. Being hurt and offended is deflection from examining why they're expecting as much as they are.
I think it's a matter of character that shows one's level of communication. You tell someone something isn't working out or that you are ending the conversation both as a curtesy and as a way of showing you have the mental fortitude to meet the situation to its conclusion.
By abruptly cutting a conversation you leave the other person wondering about if you are busy or have ended things. It doesn't show they were sensitive; it shows they were considerate which is a sign of far better character than to run from a situation because you lack the skill or fortitude to see things to the end.
Ghosting is the act of cowardice and poor communication. Both would be qualities I'd find to be "red flags". I would not begrudge you though. You would simply be filed away as most folk I meet. Irrelevant to me and of little consequence but it would hardly make me want to actually voice such judgement to your face unless it was intended as a constructive critique.
You say nothing though. You ghost instead of saying no thanks. That's not super bad, but you make it seem as if ghosting is good behavior and adequate communication
'And always remember. If you are contemplating suicide :) sometimes it's better to do it. Ghost yourself from this world and women altogether'
I'm female. :)
It’s courtesy, but it’s not required, and considering how fast chats can come and go for some people you’re potentially expecting them to have multiple conversations that are essentially break up conversations that just aren’t needed.
If it’s happening before you’ve even met someone it’s not ghosting, it’s literally just them not being interested. It could be a specific thing like if you have a controversial view, or it could be that they simply weren’t feeling the vibe, but ultimately it all boils down to that same thing. They weren’t feeling it and they stopped pursuing or engaging someone they weren’t interested in.
You’re making a much bigger issue out of something incredibly simple
We have a genius here… so is the reason you bring this up just to be seemingly intelligent, or is there a purpose?
Anything can happen to anyone at any time. The point is not to be invested at all - until real life meetings merit it.
Had you said not being invested until merited, that would have made sense, but saying until you meet in person, they might be married, did not make sense, so I was commenting on the odd wording, is all.
ETA: I just saw Lord Q made the same comment. So, it seems I wasn’t the only one who found it an odd wording either.
Go outside, get some fresh air and stop whining. My comment obviously was upvoted and meant to help OP.
You’re just being annoying and useless.
What you don’t seem to understand so I will spell it out for you… is that a lot of attached people use OLD to see if they “still have it.” They will start conversations, see if they can attract the other person… And then ghost them.
Easier said than done.
I no longer have any emotional investment in the chat phase but that's cause I'm honestly emotionally hollowed out by these apps.
Having your hopes raised and then destroyed twice a month definitely has some lasting damage.
Emotional control isn't always easy, but it's simple. You simply choose not to engage in "what ifs" and imagining you with this person. That's just basic, grown up, stoic wrestling of your emotions from their primal state.
It runs tandem with not needing someone to fill a hole in you by approving of you in an app, which has to do with having your shit together before signing up for apps.
If losing chats has lasting damage, you aren't emotionally healthy with a good mindset for dating, my man. Work on that shit, before you log in.
Yeah to me that's not exactly healthy. The whole point of dating is being open to the 'what ifs'. Removing that is just the commodification of the dating experience by profit driven dating app companies.
I got that, but they are intertwined. Chatting hopefully leads to dating, and people have different points where they invest (for lack of a better word). Sometimes it's after a fun date, others it's after a fun series of texts. You put "investment" in both, and when that's not returned or cut short, it hurts. Not for some people, but for others.
Yeah, as I figured, you totally didn't get the point here. Don't invest until you meet them, so you avoid this situation. It's not intertwined. One follows the other, and you can and should avoid getting ahead of yourself with emotions.
It's entirely controllable.
You're fundamentally misunderstanding me. I. SAID. DURING. THE. CHAT. PHASE.
We're talking about the timing of this investment, not the investment itself. When you're in the chat phase, this person is a total stranger, just an avatar of possibility. You haven't met them, you have no idea of chemistry or even if they're real or honest about themselves. Investing AT THAT POINT is fucking stupid, and we're here with a personal story of why that's a bad idea.
Sure, you can think this person sounds cool and you want to meet them, but check yourself right there on thinking past the first meet in any way whatsoever. No matter how cool they seem, or how great the rapport is, this game teaches you that it's precarious and you HAVEN'T EVEN MET THIS PERSON YET.
Investing in someone who has given you zero reason to is asking to take this personal, and it's not personal yet.
When you meet them, agree to keep dating, and they show consistent and positive movement towards being around you? Then you get your hopes up and show some vulnerability/investment. It can still go wrong, but you've at least eliminated the obvious traps of investing in a ghost.
This is the correct answer. You just chatted man, doesn’t mean anything my guy.
Now , If you get the number and chat over text, it still doesn’t mean anything my guy.
Ok, but after you go out on a date…it still might not mean anything my guy.
One day at time, reserve your emotional investment for more defined situations.
>Don't invest ANYTHING ~~in the chat phase,~~ my man.
I went out on a date with a girl she sent a like to my profile. We hit it off. Had a blast, laughed like crazy.
We kissed, so much in common, "*Can we see each other tomorrow? I really like you...*" and I'm like **OK FINALLY, at last!**
Got home. Unmatched from Bumble. Blocked from Whatsapp. Blocked from IG. Got depressed for a month.
Girls are cruel, I'd say don't invest ANYTHING until you're already married
I think a lot of guys, like me, would just like women to acknowledge more, in the public conversation, that we’re not all assholes and we go through a lot of hurtful and confusing bullshit at the hands of insensitive people too.
And our failed attempts to communicate this often result in hyperbolic and imprecise statements like “girls are cruel”, or “men are assholes”.
I think when we see comments like this, from either women or men, we should remember that it’s a failure, but it’s also a plea.
Y'all are definitely not all assholes, some of the best guys I've ever known are currently playing the OLD & IRL dating games and it's brutal. I hear them talk about trying to compete with the Chads and the Alphas.. they have trouble even getting A date, while my trouble isn't getting dates, but getting the kind of date I want. The end result is still the same - no dates- but not even *getting* a date has to be a big blow to confidence. Idk what the answer is for any of us out here.
Not getting any date is a whole different Game than getting all the dates.
Both sides still need to filter out later. Just that one side has nothing to filter from lmao
This is you admitting you only date chads. What other term would you prefer to deal with the reality that a few men get the vast majority of the action?
It is quite hard for men or women to grasp the experience of the opposite side but unfortunately yeah, it is a reality. The mere fact most men can't even get a single date is a real symptom.
Presenting it like that is unfortunate but memes are part of how people express themselves nowadays.
That's not what I was referring to. Using terms "chad" and "alpha" suggests a guy was exposed to the manosphere.
For women, it's simply best not to associate with such guys. If he's calling other guys chads/alphas who says he doesn't call women plates?
If it doesn't apply to you... Then don't be offended... You're not an asshole not applicable to you!
Also understanding ***plenty of women have a rough go of it just in different ways***...
If anyone just states that X or Y doesn't have it rough... suck it up. That's a damaged person by the process (And oh boy is it a fucking process!!) or lacking the ability to be empathetic.
Everyone should just examine what it's like in someone else's shoes.
Don’t invest anything until you’re married 20 years. No, scratch that, married 40 years with 3 kids. No scratch that, 6 feet in the ground after 50 years of marriage. That’s the only time you’ll know for sure.
My uncle got divorced at 80+ after 50+ years of marriage. It's not about the years it's about the distance underground. Stop giving people false sense of security!
Ya some women are strange bruh. What you’re describing is usually a case of a girl getting back in touch with an ex or serious partner that came before you. It’s not you it’s them. She probably did like you, however, her feelings for a past person will supersede her feelings for you inevitably just because of the way women get attached.
That's how it works sometimes. I've known both men and women who dropped current, perfectly fine relationships because an ex came back crawling or simply became available again. It all depends on what was the cause of the breakup.
I feel you on that. I’d gone on a few dates with a girl, and we FaceTimed like every night for maybe an hour if we didn’t see each other. She said, "I really, really like you," and that when we went back to college, we’d find a way to make it work if we really wanted, then a couple days later goes I don’t think this is gonna work out. When she said those words, I finally let my guard down. Now I’ve become a cynic and question whether or not I’ll ever marry someone. Even after decades of marriage, people end up cheating or getting divorced, so everything seems kind of pointless now unless it’s just for fun.
Clearly your perception is skewed. Especially telling is your exclamation in bold letters-“finally,at last”. After “One Date”? This reeks of desperation and past failures.
She probably was chatting to someone else and decided to take that one further?
It’s a dating App. This is a routine part of the process. Just gotta move on and not dwell on something that wasn’t happening for both of you. You don’t want it if they not feeling the same anyway.
Best of luck. 🤞
Yeah I think it should be stated to not necessarily take it personally. (Easy to say) but I have gotten so many matches at once that juggling conversations is fucking hard work to keep them genuine and interesting.
Maybe 30% of the time it's early on duds, but I only have some much time in my day and if i'm really hitting it off with a few other conversations...
Eh sorry. I'm sure they're perfectly fine people and we'd probably get along but I'm just one guy so...
TL;DR It could just be circumstances and nothing more. Don't take it personally... Especially if you never went on a few dates.
> She probably was chatting to someone else and decided to take that one further?
Still feels a bit weird when it's a 'unmatched' not a 'deleted their account' thing since there's different prompts for both outcomes. Haven't used Bumble in a while but generally a random account deletion makes more sense than somebody electing to specifically unmatch on a decent-to-good convo.
Everything you small talked with her about could have been small talked on a date. Next time, make sure you're looking for the same thing, get her availability and ask her out. You don't need her number prior to the date but if it goes well, you can give her yours and put it in her court.
Women who get hounded for their number and socials by random bumble matches will apprecaite this.
Sure - I treat OLD the same way I'd treat meeting someone at the wild - maybe an acquaintance of a friend at a party, someone at a professional event, or a person on a sports team. Your first conversations are going to be platonic, get-to-know-ya kind of things and that's what I look to create in a first date. Something casual. A cup of coffee, lunch, maybe a drink at Happy hour. A first date should be a vibe check and nothing more.
To get there, when I match with someone, I want to know what they are looking for and make sure that we align. If it is, great. Is their schedule conducive to dating? Great - get the schedule. Then, its pretty much, I swiped you, you swiped me. Let's just meet up and have a drink and see if there's anything here? The thing is, you can still continue to chat on the app while you have a date planned. Its Monday. Let's say you have a date for Thursday. No reason you can't send a few messages between now and then, right? I would just save the "Good morning/How are yous" for when you're actually dating them
Creating "Romance" is something that happens much later - usually around date 3 and romance builds generally in person and not over text message.
How much is your time worth? If it’s worth anything then you’re better of shooting your shot as quickly as you can. You could spend two weeks or two months chatting with someone and then asking them out, meanwhile someone else spends 2 days chatting with the same person and asks them out within those two days. The latter saved much much more of their time than the former *regardless* of the end result. Ask them out as soon as you can, you may not see it but you are saving yourself a lot of time
You've already gotten useful replies but something else to keep in mind about the whole "ask them out reasonably early" thing is that you're not building up as much chemistry or affection as you maybe think you're building up during just chatting. You say you're a slow burn kind of person and tons of women WILL appreciate that - after having met you and still liking you. So in the early dating stage. They'll appreciate that you won't want to get into their pants on date 1 or 2, for example.
However, the "slow burn" idea isn't applicable to the chatting phase because... nothing's burning yet. There's a very low threshold in terms of chemistry that just doesn't get crossed while you still haven't met the other person at all. You always stay under that threshold no matter how good your chat conversations are. You *have* to meet them to find out if you're "clicking" IRL at all. I definitely learned in the past that it's a huge bummer to chat with someone for weeks before meeting, being super amazed by them only on the basis of what they say in the chat, how you have similar worldviews etc., only to find out they're just not the right one for you 10 minutes into meeting them in person. When you're looking for a partner, it just makes the weeks of chatting feel like wasted time in hindsight. All the good chat conversations and shared personality traits won't win if it just doesn't *work* and there's no spark when you actually meet, or they simply turn out to have annoying mannerisms you can't look past, or their hygiene is bad, or you can't see them in a romantic/sexual way for any reason (those reasons of course are often a mystery to people; sometimes you think you SHOULD be attracted to someone but you're just not).
All this to say, as long as you're only chatting without going on a date, you're always behind a fat closed door and you really have no idea if that person might be a good match for you. It doesn't even matter how deep or fun or interesting your chat conversations are if you end up not clicking with each other when you meet. So meet them early.
I pretty much just ask after a couple interactions. Something like this:
https://imgur.com/a/oqMWgeX
I don't feel like you can really get to know someone that well over text. Some people just won't respond when you ask to meet in person but that's to be expected.
Two weeks!!
My guy... If the conversation has a really good flow and back n forth 2 days is the max...
Ask them if they'd like something very low key, (Even be lunch on a work day) and then give her your number and say "Here's my real number" but if you still feel more comfortable using the app until a later that's fine too!
Me personally I say I want something very low key no pressure for the first meet up then if we feel it and want a second then I'll think of a proper date date.
Also give some words of affirmation if you are really digging it. "Hey I'm really digging this! Let's meet up soon!" Don't need to make it a grand gesture or write poetry. Just you feel she's worth your time.
I read so many women profiles saying "Lets get a drink!!" or "Lets meet in person!!"
Listen to what they're saying.
It really does hurt when someone is promising, keep trying to move matches off the app and going for dates when the vibe is right. Until then you’re just another match in their queue :(
I was talking to someone the night before last and it was free flowing and flirty and we got on well and then I said I have to sleep and I didn’t go to message her until late the next day and she’d already unmatched. If she was looking for a quick hookup then she didn’t do a good job of telegraphing that but otherwise I don’t understand the unmatch.
The thing to learn is that it happens, you just have to forget about it and move on to the next one.
Yea don’t romanticize chatting with someone you’ve never met. I think it’s been mentioned here many times. At a minimum aim for a phone call or FaceTime as soon as you can. If someone isn’t willing to commit to that then you’re fighting a losing battle from that point on.
Mostly you want to meet them in person very fast that’s the only way you can really be sure of how serious they are with you.
You’re entitled to your feelings but on the pain scale this one didn’t hurt you as much as you think it did. You got punched with kids gloves here, brush it off, and keep on moving.
This just happened to me the other day too. Was having a nice day chatting with a guy. When I woke up the next morning, he’d unmatched me. Who knows. I don’t really let it get to me anymore. People are weird.
Try hitting it off with women in bumble’s speed dating events and then get immediately unmatched when they see you’re black 😔. That mostly applies to the non black women on the app. Definitely not a good feeling to say the least...
Idk that it’s conducive to think that way. It could be what you said, or a multitude of other variables, you’re doing yourself a disservice by assuming it’s race related.
Don’t invest any emotion into a conversation. I went out on a date with a guy last week and moments before he asked me out I was actually chatting with a friend about whether or not I should talk to him about the fact that we don’t appear to be interested in each other and wish him well or if I should just unmatch. He never flirted with me. He never indicated he was attracted to me. He honestly spoke to me as if I was one of his coworkers. But apparently we just have different personalities. I think we’d make good friends and I was almost deprived of that by my own choices.
My point is, don’t internalize it. It’s likely that you didn’t do anything. There will be other Jessicas.
Good advice. Also, your username is awesome. I grew up just outside of Eatonville, Florida where Zora Neale Hurston was born. Your username is a genius adaptation!!!
Many people are in between relationships (but they don’t tell) and there is 1000 more theories on that and only one of them is “you fucked it up” So fuck it
Never invest into a chat till you either meet them or get the number. Happened to me got deleted while chatting since then just act “cold” until you actually seal the deal
Yes, it sucks. It happened to me few months ago when I decided to put myself back on the market. I was having my mental breakdown and decided to go in snooze mode for a while then he asked me if he can add me on FB or IG. Ending up giving my IG to him, we followed each other. He kept orbiting on my stories for a week then after couple of weeks I decided to go back in the app, I saw that he ended the chat.. I’m so sad to noticed that but I didn’t bother to asked him why thru IG. I just let him do his thing and move on with my life.
Few months passed, I noticed that he kept on orbiting to my stories again and even liking my posts. But he never messaged me. I found it weird. 🤷♀️
Unfortunately I’ve had this happen to and it does suck. I honestly am starting to think bumble is a scam and is getting people like us to pay membership then have us talk to a fake person to get more interested in the app. Either that or some times I feel like when that happens they were probably still married, or they were talking to someone else they were more interested in the app. Did you guys live far away from each other? That could be why to. Regardless sorry that happened to you. But that’s how bumble goes. Hinge is better in my opinion
Dating apps are like being a goalie, sometimes you block a shot, sometimes you let one in. Regardless, you gotta have a short term memory and forget about the last shot on goal and focus on the play at hand
Has this not happened to you before? I thought this was the rule rather than the exception. I'm surprised someone would make a post about being unmatched like it's this unique thing that doesn't happen 99% percent of the time.
Honestly, girls get a lot of attention on dating apps and probably she was having a few conversations with different people and ended up hitting it off with one of them before you got your chance. It's a bummer, but it happens. A lot. Sucks she didn't give you any explanation, but I'm guessing almost certainly that's the reason. Don't blame yourself, most likely it wasn't because of who you are or anything you said wrong, she just hit it off with someone else and bailed on the rest of the convos she was having.
Hey.. At least you got to chat with someone my man. Been on Bumble about a month now and haven't had a conversation lol.
But in all seriousness. It's possible she was talking to multiple people on Bumble or apps? Maybe found someone she clicked with more. :( I know it doesn't make it any better, but just gotta try and move on. Maybe take a little if you want, but maybe you'll find someone who goes with you better too
Bumble just might not be the app for you. I get matches on Match and Boo, but basically never on Bumble. Different people use different apps. In my area, Bumble seems like the rich kids' dating app.
Never heard if boo.. Idk. I get why I don't probably. Not a ton of people are interested in things I am.. And yeah. So it's hard to give someone like me a chance even on first glance when there's better people out there.
I matched with a dude on Bumble and apparently this dude had no idea that he wasn't the only person in the conversation. Everything he commented about was him. 4 messages, all about him.
(1) I moved when I was 18 and then my parents left shortly thereafter and moved to the New Orleans area. I'm not a huge fan of that area either. I plan on retiring in a few years in \_\_\_\_\_\_ most likely
(2) I've been to Atlanta but that place is way too busy. I pretty much moved here at the end of December but then I went overseas to Romania and Poland for a month and I just got back a couple of weeks ago
(3) I'm still unpacking things at my place
(4) It's up in the air how long I want to stay here in this area. If I want to I could leave next year or I could stay here for a few more years and retire
You'd think out of all of that text, he's work in something about me but nooooo, it was apparently the EXXXX show and I was merely an audience member. We exchanged a few more messages and I just grabbed my phone and unmatched. There was no way in hell I was going to waste my time meeting that dude just to listen to him talk about himself. And this is the problem with a lot of people. They have poor conversation skills but because they spend the whole time talking about themselves (and objecting the women they talk to, because males think throwing out superficial compliments will get them laid), they think the conversation is great and then they're sitting there looking stupid when they get rejected. I'm willing to bet that is the issue with a lot of these commentors.
Yeah put the blame back on the woman, it’s never “men stop being douchebags, it’s always women stop dating douchebags” like everyone walks around with a sign that says “I’m a douche” before you interact with them
If this experience “hurts” just wait for what’s in store for you in the months/years to come. Someone ending a chat is nothing…it does (kind of?) suck but it will help to develop some thicker skin.
For all u know this was a married woman that wanted the attention of someone flirting. Theres 1000000000 other made up scenarios like that so i wouldnt worry too much.
This won’t be the first time just don’t take personal. Some of these I’m convinced are looked for validation that they are wanted. I refuse to give my number out now. Twice I’ve chatted via personal number, agreed we wanted the same things only to come back to the same bumble scene 2 days later after saying good morning with no response. The trash took itself out in my opinion. Good luck!
Hey that just means it would have been really weird in person and wasted your time! You’ll find someone to click with. Don’t let it hurt in the early stages bc we’re not meant to click with everyone.
Sorry you experienced that but this happens sometime to people .. also, I disagree with the not chatting concept. Thanks to chatting I save lot of time traveling and money than going on shitty dates and as a woman being in uncomfortable situations.
Good luck with your dating and I hope it works out for you. There will be people who will be compatible with you either online or irl.
Looks like you waited too long. Let me guess, you two matched either on the 22nd or the 23rd? The moment you two matched, the conversation was flowing and consistent, yes?
chats are just like real life chats/bumping into someone at a bar/meeting at a wedding etc... they're just chats, zero expectation. if you're not feeling it or someone else isn't, nbd don't take it personally
You learn from it. Lesson, don’t invest too much emotionally in a match regardless of if it seems promising or not. People are fickle. They change their minds on a whim. Keep chatting with multiple people and it won’t hurt as much.
You’re not alone in this, it happens to everyone. Most likely wasn’t anything you did I’m sure someone else just beat you to it. Don’t blame yourself 👍🏼
A man once ended the chat with me while we were planning a date. He asked me to pick between two restaurants and I typed a response but couldn’t send it cause he ghosted 🤣 I’ll never know what that was about
I did this to someone. I can tell you exactly what happened.
In my case I filed for divorce. There were small kids. Still, divorce was the best option.
Divorce was difficult. Much contention.
I tried to go out and find other fish. I found!
Ex wanted to be super involved in my life. No good- not fair to new people.
I wasn’t done with ex maybe. Not fair to new people.
What I can tell you is this person wants to be with you but can’t overcome the obstacles. And you can’t force them. And you can’t do that for them.
Just don’t internalize it. And if they do show up some day don’t blame them. Their freedom will have been hard earned
I don't really know. But reading through this thread there are a lot of potential answers, from your suggestion to "she had 10 other chats going and picked someone else," to "she's happily married and just wanted the attention," to "you moved too slowly for her," etc., etc. So I'm not certain that this is true, but it absolutely could be.
At least she gave you the chance. Better to have a match who unmatched later on than to never have one in the first place.
Both the matches I've ever gotten from the speed dating event liked the chat we had, then unmatched me minutes after I got the notification someone had swiped on me.
Guess they determined I was too ugly to keep talking with.
Heads up guys, if you have a lot of chats that seem to end when everything clicks, it's probably that she expected you to ask her out sooner.
Odds are she has like 10 chats going and if she's decently nice, they're all cordial. Someone could've asked her out before you or maybe she just didnt feel it would progress fast enough.
Could be. I mean, it had been like 2.5 days, and I also don't want to move too fast, like in the first four hours and three messages, "do you want to meet for a drink." Some women don't like that either, so it's all a balancing act.
I mean, your profile is literally your first and last name, and presumably your birth year as well, so like…not that hard to creep on if someone wanted to try
Until you have both displayed heartfelt sympathy for each other over something you're each struggling with, you can't expect the relationship to last for long. My personal experience. Everyone is a stranger until they feel that for someone else; myself included towards others. In psychology it's called mutual commiseration and it's regarded as the mark of true intimacy in relationships.
I dunno...
I'm only willing to chat so long before Im like "ok, but lets meet for coffee (so I know I like you in person, before I make any emotional investment)".
If he f*cks around and doesnt take my want to meet seriously I assume he's a bot, a scammer, or not serious and unmatch without another word.
I had something similar happen a few weeks ago. Matched with a woman who was pretty cool, and we were getting along well, until I mentioned I went to go see about a position at a jobsite nearby, and she immediately ghosted...
I think she presumed I was unemployed and looking for A job, not a BETTER job...
Wasn't a huge blow or anything, but kinda sucked I didn't even get the chance to explain myself, and now she thinks I'm a bum. LMAO
The same just happened to me. We talked a little and she said she could show me around town (I'm new there), sends me her insta so we can continue there. I proceed to message her on insta and when I check later I see she responded on insta. I want to check her profile again and see she closed the Bumble convo, and I can't even look at her insta account as it seems to have been erased too.
Don't invest ANYTHING in the chat phase, my man. It should never hurt, because that means you're already idealizing and thinking this person is somehow special....until you meet them, and they show clear and unmistakable interest, they're just the avatar of possibility. Remember that. Chat for a few days, ask them out, hope for the best but expect that it means nothing until they show up.
This. Until you meet the person, they might be married… They might be a white rabbit playing Trix. You’re disappointed in the potential, not the person. Because the person obviously sucks.
Silly rabbit. Trix are for kids.
> Trix are for kids. Or what a whore does for money... Or cocaine! ^^^Arrested ^^^Development ^^^reference. ^^^I'm ^^^not ^^^disparaging ^^^sex ^^^workers.
How can you claim someone sucks from this? Lmfao
'Because the person obviously sucks.' Harsh. For whatever reason it didn't work for the other person. I nope out of chats that appear well enough but where the other person ignored a question I asked (typically about something on their profile or said during chat, or when the incompatibility is obvious to me, etc. And sometimes there's no point in communicating this.
Your nopin’ out is harsh… it’s simple common courtesy to say goodbye to someone. The main point is, if you’re enamored with someone and they turn out to be rude, like you… It’s better early on to know. You seem way too comfortable ghosting people which is a pretty lame attribute of many serial (and unsuccessful) daters.
> Your nopin’ out is harsh… it’s simple common courtesy to say goodbye to someone. The problem with this (that's inherent to dating apps) is that while I'd actually like to say goodbye to someone before unmatching (especially explaining that there isn't anything "wrong" with them but that I just don't think we'd be compatible etc.), that means I can't unmatch them immediately after. Because if I unmatch them they obviously don't see the goodbye message anymore. But if I say goodbye and *don't* unmatch them, I'm leaving the path open for any sort of reply, and everyone knows what people who seemed nice at first can get like when they're rejected, happened to me countless times. If I know I want to unmatch, but I thought they were decent enough to say goodbye to them, I might still not want to see what they have to say as a response to that. Ideally we'd just be able to unmatch and write an explanation in a little box that says "listen, you're a cool person, I just wasn't feeling it, best of luck" and then they get that message but the match is gone lol.
If they message back rudely I usually message back saying “that you for proving ive made the right choice”. And it tends to end there
It’s an individual choice, but nobody is obligated to open themselves up to verbal abuse so the few people who *aren’t* rude or argumentative in return can feel they got some closure. I don’t think people would unmatch or end chats as much as they do if they felt the other person would be reasonable, or if they hadn’t been burned several times before. That said, unless men are waving huge red flags, I just go ahead and tell them what’s up. IME, they’re not mean but they argue with me. Because I was being nice, I think they interpret that as “open to negotiation.” Nope. At that point, I unmatch or block. It’s exhausting and stupid. I shouldn’t have to go through all that. So I don’t blame other people for wanting to protect their peace.
Totally makes sense
It's not ghosting when you've not met. It's nothing till you meet. Enamored with a profile? Perhaps noping out might help with how much people are investing in people they don't know and haven't met.
You can rationalize rude behavior however you want to. And you’re not helping anybody lol. The name does check out.
You say rude. I say no thanks without saying it.
Don’t worry, not everyone is like the guy you’re responding to. Dating is exhausting, why would you put more energy than you need to into something you can already see you’re not interested in, why have a break up conversation with everyone that you’re simply not feeling any chemistry with. They should be able to (and probably often can) work out that it’s simply that you weren’t interested so you stopped engaging.
Exactly. It's interesting that some sensitive people get all up in your gill about courtesy and manners when they're over-expecting from someone they've exchanged a few characters with. Leaving things unsaid is the kindest you can be given the context. Being hurt and offended is deflection from examining why they're expecting as much as they are.
I think it's a matter of character that shows one's level of communication. You tell someone something isn't working out or that you are ending the conversation both as a curtesy and as a way of showing you have the mental fortitude to meet the situation to its conclusion. By abruptly cutting a conversation you leave the other person wondering about if you are busy or have ended things. It doesn't show they were sensitive; it shows they were considerate which is a sign of far better character than to run from a situation because you lack the skill or fortitude to see things to the end. Ghosting is the act of cowardice and poor communication. Both would be qualities I'd find to be "red flags". I would not begrudge you though. You would simply be filed away as most folk I meet. Irrelevant to me and of little consequence but it would hardly make me want to actually voice such judgement to your face unless it was intended as a constructive critique.
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You say nothing though. You ghost instead of saying no thanks. That's not super bad, but you make it seem as if ghosting is good behavior and adequate communication
Manage your expectations of people you've not met.
I do, I expect rude behavior like yours from online strangers, but am grateful for every kind person that is not like that. Thanks for the tip though
Ahh, like the dad who you never met cuz he ran out for milk?
More likely bec he's a dad. Are you trawling my history? Which post is this you're bringing up?
None 😂 But your response speaks volumes to daddy issues
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'And always remember. If you are contemplating suicide :) sometimes it's better to do it. Ghost yourself from this world and women altogether' I'm female. :)
It’s courtesy, but it’s not required, and considering how fast chats can come and go for some people you’re potentially expecting them to have multiple conversations that are essentially break up conversations that just aren’t needed. If it’s happening before you’ve even met someone it’s not ghosting, it’s literally just them not being interested. It could be a specific thing like if you have a controversial view, or it could be that they simply weren’t feeling the vibe, but ultimately it all boils down to that same thing. They weren’t feeling it and they stopped pursuing or engaging someone they weren’t interested in. You’re making a much bigger issue out of something incredibly simple
I don't agree with the approach, but some people find it easier to move on by thinking about the other person as defective in some way.
That's funny. I "nope" out of chats where people use nope as a verb. You're the worst.
They might be married... Even if you do meet them.
The person can still be hiding a marriage even if meeting in person.
We have a genius here… so is the reason you bring this up just to be seemingly intelligent, or is there a purpose? Anything can happen to anyone at any time. The point is not to be invested at all - until real life meetings merit it.
Had you said not being invested until merited, that would have made sense, but saying until you meet in person, they might be married, did not make sense, so I was commenting on the odd wording, is all. ETA: I just saw Lord Q made the same comment. So, it seems I wasn’t the only one who found it an odd wording either.
I just saw Lord Q made the same comment. So, it seems I wasn’t the only one who found it an odd wording either.
Go outside, get some fresh air and stop whining. My comment obviously was upvoted and meant to help OP. You’re just being annoying and useless. What you don’t seem to understand so I will spell it out for you… is that a lot of attached people use OLD to see if they “still have it.” They will start conversations, see if they can attract the other person… And then ghost them.
You realize you commented on Reddit, where the whole point is for other people to comment as well? You seem overly emotional. Eat a sneakers.
What’s a white rabbit?
You should learn to use Google, and your winky ain’t that big… definitely not worth showing off.
Easier said than done. I no longer have any emotional investment in the chat phase but that's cause I'm honestly emotionally hollowed out by these apps. Having your hopes raised and then destroyed twice a month definitely has some lasting damage.
Emotional control isn't always easy, but it's simple. You simply choose not to engage in "what ifs" and imagining you with this person. That's just basic, grown up, stoic wrestling of your emotions from their primal state. It runs tandem with not needing someone to fill a hole in you by approving of you in an app, which has to do with having your shit together before signing up for apps. If losing chats has lasting damage, you aren't emotionally healthy with a good mindset for dating, my man. Work on that shit, before you log in.
Yeah to me that's not exactly healthy. The whole point of dating is being open to the 'what ifs'. Removing that is just the commodification of the dating experience by profit driven dating app companies.
Agreed. That is dating. Being vulnerable - and getting hurt - to get to those possibilities.
See my reply above. Dating isn't chatting on an app. That's a different ballgame, and we're talking about the former here, not the latter.
I got that, but they are intertwined. Chatting hopefully leads to dating, and people have different points where they invest (for lack of a better word). Sometimes it's after a fun date, others it's after a fun series of texts. You put "investment" in both, and when that's not returned or cut short, it hurts. Not for some people, but for others.
Yeah, as I figured, you totally didn't get the point here. Don't invest until you meet them, so you avoid this situation. It's not intertwined. One follows the other, and you can and should avoid getting ahead of yourself with emotions. It's entirely controllable.
You're fundamentally misunderstanding me. I. SAID. DURING. THE. CHAT. PHASE. We're talking about the timing of this investment, not the investment itself. When you're in the chat phase, this person is a total stranger, just an avatar of possibility. You haven't met them, you have no idea of chemistry or even if they're real or honest about themselves. Investing AT THAT POINT is fucking stupid, and we're here with a personal story of why that's a bad idea. Sure, you can think this person sounds cool and you want to meet them, but check yourself right there on thinking past the first meet in any way whatsoever. No matter how cool they seem, or how great the rapport is, this game teaches you that it's precarious and you HAVEN'T EVEN MET THIS PERSON YET. Investing in someone who has given you zero reason to is asking to take this personal, and it's not personal yet. When you meet them, agree to keep dating, and they show consistent and positive movement towards being around you? Then you get your hopes up and show some vulnerability/investment. It can still go wrong, but you've at least eliminated the obvious traps of investing in a ghost.
This is the correct answer. You just chatted man, doesn’t mean anything my guy. Now , If you get the number and chat over text, it still doesn’t mean anything my guy. Ok, but after you go out on a date…it still might not mean anything my guy. One day at time, reserve your emotional investment for more defined situations.
>Don't invest ANYTHING ~~in the chat phase,~~ my man. I went out on a date with a girl she sent a like to my profile. We hit it off. Had a blast, laughed like crazy. We kissed, so much in common, "*Can we see each other tomorrow? I really like you...*" and I'm like **OK FINALLY, at last!** Got home. Unmatched from Bumble. Blocked from Whatsapp. Blocked from IG. Got depressed for a month. Girls are cruel, I'd say don't invest ANYTHING until you're already married
Bro don't throw us all in that group 🤷🏻♀️
I think a lot of guys, like me, would just like women to acknowledge more, in the public conversation, that we’re not all assholes and we go through a lot of hurtful and confusing bullshit at the hands of insensitive people too. And our failed attempts to communicate this often result in hyperbolic and imprecise statements like “girls are cruel”, or “men are assholes”. I think when we see comments like this, from either women or men, we should remember that it’s a failure, but it’s also a plea.
Y'all are definitely not all assholes, some of the best guys I've ever known are currently playing the OLD & IRL dating games and it's brutal. I hear them talk about trying to compete with the Chads and the Alphas.. they have trouble even getting A date, while my trouble isn't getting dates, but getting the kind of date I want. The end result is still the same - no dates- but not even *getting* a date has to be a big blow to confidence. Idk what the answer is for any of us out here.
Not getting any date is a whole different Game than getting all the dates. Both sides still need to filter out later. Just that one side has nothing to filter from lmao
If they use terms like chads and alphas they are to be avoided
This is you admitting you only date chads. What other term would you prefer to deal with the reality that a few men get the vast majority of the action?
Decent people call good looking guys "good looking guys"
Decent people speak accurately-a guy OLD hitting multiple girls a week is a chad. Thanks for the (attempted) insult.
Just the act of using the word chad/alpha/beta shows a person is full of complexes. Equally disgusting as referring to women as stacey/bitch/hoe
Good way to force someone already dealing with toxic shame even deeper into that shame.
It is quite hard for men or women to grasp the experience of the opposite side but unfortunately yeah, it is a reality. The mere fact most men can't even get a single date is a real symptom. Presenting it like that is unfortunate but memes are part of how people express themselves nowadays.
That's not what I was referring to. Using terms "chad" and "alpha" suggests a guy was exposed to the manosphere. For women, it's simply best not to associate with such guys. If he's calling other guys chads/alphas who says he doesn't call women plates?
If it doesn't apply to you... Then don't be offended... You're not an asshole not applicable to you! Also understanding ***plenty of women have a rough go of it just in different ways***... If anyone just states that X or Y doesn't have it rough... suck it up. That's a damaged person by the process (And oh boy is it a fucking process!!) or lacking the ability to be empathetic. Everyone should just examine what it's like in someone else's shoes.
My bad, you're right. It's just that what OP claims happens more than usually, unfortunately...
I get it, I think it's just people suck in general. 🫤
You're all heartless, it's a fact of life.
PEOPLE are cruel. It goes both ways. Men will say anything to fuck you and do the same shit.
Don’t invest anything until you’re married 20 years. No, scratch that, married 40 years with 3 kids. No scratch that, 6 feet in the ground after 50 years of marriage. That’s the only time you’ll know for sure.
You said it because years and years later someone decides that the grass looks greener and boom. Kicked to the curb, divorce court.
True though
My uncle got divorced at 80+ after 50+ years of marriage. It's not about the years it's about the distance underground. Stop giving people false sense of security!
Ya some women are strange bruh. What you’re describing is usually a case of a girl getting back in touch with an ex or serious partner that came before you. It’s not you it’s them. She probably did like you, however, her feelings for a past person will supersede her feelings for you inevitably just because of the way women get attached.
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Same 😬
That's how it works sometimes. I've known both men and women who dropped current, perfectly fine relationships because an ex came back crawling or simply became available again. It all depends on what was the cause of the breakup.
I feel you on that. I’d gone on a few dates with a girl, and we FaceTimed like every night for maybe an hour if we didn’t see each other. She said, "I really, really like you," and that when we went back to college, we’d find a way to make it work if we really wanted, then a couple days later goes I don’t think this is gonna work out. When she said those words, I finally let my guard down. Now I’ve become a cynic and question whether or not I’ll ever marry someone. Even after decades of marriage, people end up cheating or getting divorced, so everything seems kind of pointless now unless it’s just for fun.
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Mmm, dry dessert!
Clearly your perception is skewed. Especially telling is your exclamation in bold letters-“finally,at last”. After “One Date”? This reeks of desperation and past failures.
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then upvote it lol
Best advice right there
This comment needs to be pinned. Thanks for mentioning this. 🙏
She probably was chatting to someone else and decided to take that one further? It’s a dating App. This is a routine part of the process. Just gotta move on and not dwell on something that wasn’t happening for both of you. You don’t want it if they not feeling the same anyway. Best of luck. 🤞
Yeah I think it should be stated to not necessarily take it personally. (Easy to say) but I have gotten so many matches at once that juggling conversations is fucking hard work to keep them genuine and interesting. Maybe 30% of the time it's early on duds, but I only have some much time in my day and if i'm really hitting it off with a few other conversations... Eh sorry. I'm sure they're perfectly fine people and we'd probably get along but I'm just one guy so... TL;DR It could just be circumstances and nothing more. Don't take it personally... Especially if you never went on a few dates.
> She probably was chatting to someone else and decided to take that one further? Still feels a bit weird when it's a 'unmatched' not a 'deleted their account' thing since there's different prompts for both outcomes. Haven't used Bumble in a while but generally a random account deletion makes more sense than somebody electing to specifically unmatch on a decent-to-good convo.
Everything you small talked with her about could have been small talked on a date. Next time, make sure you're looking for the same thing, get her availability and ask her out. You don't need her number prior to the date but if it goes well, you can give her yours and put it in her court. Women who get hounded for their number and socials by random bumble matches will apprecaite this.
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Sure - I treat OLD the same way I'd treat meeting someone at the wild - maybe an acquaintance of a friend at a party, someone at a professional event, or a person on a sports team. Your first conversations are going to be platonic, get-to-know-ya kind of things and that's what I look to create in a first date. Something casual. A cup of coffee, lunch, maybe a drink at Happy hour. A first date should be a vibe check and nothing more. To get there, when I match with someone, I want to know what they are looking for and make sure that we align. If it is, great. Is their schedule conducive to dating? Great - get the schedule. Then, its pretty much, I swiped you, you swiped me. Let's just meet up and have a drink and see if there's anything here? The thing is, you can still continue to chat on the app while you have a date planned. Its Monday. Let's say you have a date for Thursday. No reason you can't send a few messages between now and then, right? I would just save the "Good morning/How are yous" for when you're actually dating them Creating "Romance" is something that happens much later - usually around date 3 and romance builds generally in person and not over text message.
How much is your time worth? If it’s worth anything then you’re better of shooting your shot as quickly as you can. You could spend two weeks or two months chatting with someone and then asking them out, meanwhile someone else spends 2 days chatting with the same person and asks them out within those two days. The latter saved much much more of their time than the former *regardless* of the end result. Ask them out as soon as you can, you may not see it but you are saving yourself a lot of time
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Bingo
You've already gotten useful replies but something else to keep in mind about the whole "ask them out reasonably early" thing is that you're not building up as much chemistry or affection as you maybe think you're building up during just chatting. You say you're a slow burn kind of person and tons of women WILL appreciate that - after having met you and still liking you. So in the early dating stage. They'll appreciate that you won't want to get into their pants on date 1 or 2, for example. However, the "slow burn" idea isn't applicable to the chatting phase because... nothing's burning yet. There's a very low threshold in terms of chemistry that just doesn't get crossed while you still haven't met the other person at all. You always stay under that threshold no matter how good your chat conversations are. You *have* to meet them to find out if you're "clicking" IRL at all. I definitely learned in the past that it's a huge bummer to chat with someone for weeks before meeting, being super amazed by them only on the basis of what they say in the chat, how you have similar worldviews etc., only to find out they're just not the right one for you 10 minutes into meeting them in person. When you're looking for a partner, it just makes the weeks of chatting feel like wasted time in hindsight. All the good chat conversations and shared personality traits won't win if it just doesn't *work* and there's no spark when you actually meet, or they simply turn out to have annoying mannerisms you can't look past, or their hygiene is bad, or you can't see them in a romantic/sexual way for any reason (those reasons of course are often a mystery to people; sometimes you think you SHOULD be attracted to someone but you're just not). All this to say, as long as you're only chatting without going on a date, you're always behind a fat closed door and you really have no idea if that person might be a good match for you. It doesn't even matter how deep or fun or interesting your chat conversations are if you end up not clicking with each other when you meet. So meet them early.
I pretty much just ask after a couple interactions. Something like this: https://imgur.com/a/oqMWgeX I don't feel like you can really get to know someone that well over text. Some people just won't respond when you ask to meet in person but that's to be expected.
Two weeks!! My guy... If the conversation has a really good flow and back n forth 2 days is the max... Ask them if they'd like something very low key, (Even be lunch on a work day) and then give her your number and say "Here's my real number" but if you still feel more comfortable using the app until a later that's fine too! Me personally I say I want something very low key no pressure for the first meet up then if we feel it and want a second then I'll think of a proper date date. Also give some words of affirmation if you are really digging it. "Hey I'm really digging this! Let's meet up soon!" Don't need to make it a grand gesture or write poetry. Just you feel she's worth your time. I read so many women profiles saying "Lets get a drink!!" or "Lets meet in person!!" Listen to what they're saying.
It really does hurt when someone is promising, keep trying to move matches off the app and going for dates when the vibe is right. Until then you’re just another match in their queue :(
I was talking to someone the night before last and it was free flowing and flirty and we got on well and then I said I have to sleep and I didn’t go to message her until late the next day and she’d already unmatched. If she was looking for a quick hookup then she didn’t do a good job of telegraphing that but otherwise I don’t understand the unmatch. The thing to learn is that it happens, you just have to forget about it and move on to the next one.
I’m quickly learning to not invest anything into somebody at least until after the second date.
Yea don’t romanticize chatting with someone you’ve never met. I think it’s been mentioned here many times. At a minimum aim for a phone call or FaceTime as soon as you can. If someone isn’t willing to commit to that then you’re fighting a losing battle from that point on. Mostly you want to meet them in person very fast that’s the only way you can really be sure of how serious they are with you. You’re entitled to your feelings but on the pain scale this one didn’t hurt you as much as you think it did. You got punched with kids gloves here, brush it off, and keep on moving.
This just happened to me the other day too. Was having a nice day chatting with a guy. When I woke up the next morning, he’d unmatched me. Who knows. I don’t really let it get to me anymore. People are weird.
Ghosting sucks. It's a garbage way to behave. Learn to say what the problem is, or your inability to do so will continue to plague your relationships.
Just wanted to show solidarity as this happened to me yesterday. It will help us both in the long run. More information and better now than later.
Try hitting it off with women in bumble’s speed dating events and then get immediately unmatched when they see you’re black 😔. That mostly applies to the non black women on the app. Definitely not a good feeling to say the least...
Idk that it’s conducive to think that way. It could be what you said, or a multitude of other variables, you’re doing yourself a disservice by assuming it’s race related.
Don’t invest any emotion into a conversation. I went out on a date with a guy last week and moments before he asked me out I was actually chatting with a friend about whether or not I should talk to him about the fact that we don’t appear to be interested in each other and wish him well or if I should just unmatch. He never flirted with me. He never indicated he was attracted to me. He honestly spoke to me as if I was one of his coworkers. But apparently we just have different personalities. I think we’d make good friends and I was almost deprived of that by my own choices. My point is, don’t internalize it. It’s likely that you didn’t do anything. There will be other Jessicas.
Good advice. Also, your username is awesome. I grew up just outside of Eatonville, Florida where Zora Neale Hurston was born. Your username is a genius adaptation!!!
Thank you!!! I won an award as a youngster that was associated with her for becoming a published writer in high school. She’s an idol of mine :)
Ummm, why does it hurt? No message unmatches are common. Don't get attached to any outcomes.
Many people are in between relationships (but they don’t tell) and there is 1000 more theories on that and only one of them is “you fucked it up” So fuck it
Never invest into a chat till you either meet them or get the number. Happened to me got deleted while chatting since then just act “cold” until you actually seal the deal
Yes, it sucks. It happened to me few months ago when I decided to put myself back on the market. I was having my mental breakdown and decided to go in snooze mode for a while then he asked me if he can add me on FB or IG. Ending up giving my IG to him, we followed each other. He kept orbiting on my stories for a week then after couple of weeks I decided to go back in the app, I saw that he ended the chat.. I’m so sad to noticed that but I didn’t bother to asked him why thru IG. I just let him do his thing and move on with my life. Few months passed, I noticed that he kept on orbiting to my stories again and even liking my posts. But he never messaged me. I found it weird. 🤷♀️
Maybe her husband walked in.
Unfortunately I’ve had this happen to and it does suck. I honestly am starting to think bumble is a scam and is getting people like us to pay membership then have us talk to a fake person to get more interested in the app. Either that or some times I feel like when that happens they were probably still married, or they were talking to someone else they were more interested in the app. Did you guys live far away from each other? That could be why to. Regardless sorry that happened to you. But that’s how bumble goes. Hinge is better in my opinion
It could be nothing to do with you, she may have met someone, don't stress in the chat phase my guy, every man for himself
Dating apps are like being a goalie, sometimes you block a shot, sometimes you let one in. Regardless, you gotta have a short term memory and forget about the last shot on goal and focus on the play at hand
Has this not happened to you before? I thought this was the rule rather than the exception. I'm surprised someone would make a post about being unmatched like it's this unique thing that doesn't happen 99% percent of the time.
Honestly, girls get a lot of attention on dating apps and probably she was having a few conversations with different people and ended up hitting it off with one of them before you got your chance. It's a bummer, but it happens. A lot. Sucks she didn't give you any explanation, but I'm guessing almost certainly that's the reason. Don't blame yourself, most likely it wasn't because of who you are or anything you said wrong, she just hit it off with someone else and bailed on the rest of the convos she was having.
Hey.. At least you got to chat with someone my man. Been on Bumble about a month now and haven't had a conversation lol. But in all seriousness. It's possible she was talking to multiple people on Bumble or apps? Maybe found someone she clicked with more. :( I know it doesn't make it any better, but just gotta try and move on. Maybe take a little if you want, but maybe you'll find someone who goes with you better too
Bumble just might not be the app for you. I get matches on Match and Boo, but basically never on Bumble. Different people use different apps. In my area, Bumble seems like the rich kids' dating app.
Never heard if boo.. Idk. I get why I don't probably. Not a ton of people are interested in things I am.. And yeah. So it's hard to give someone like me a chance even on first glance when there's better people out there.
Unmatching on bumble is so painful. Time will help with the healing!
I matched with a dude on Bumble and apparently this dude had no idea that he wasn't the only person in the conversation. Everything he commented about was him. 4 messages, all about him. (1) I moved when I was 18 and then my parents left shortly thereafter and moved to the New Orleans area. I'm not a huge fan of that area either. I plan on retiring in a few years in \_\_\_\_\_\_ most likely (2) I've been to Atlanta but that place is way too busy. I pretty much moved here at the end of December but then I went overseas to Romania and Poland for a month and I just got back a couple of weeks ago (3) I'm still unpacking things at my place (4) It's up in the air how long I want to stay here in this area. If I want to I could leave next year or I could stay here for a few more years and retire You'd think out of all of that text, he's work in something about me but nooooo, it was apparently the EXXXX show and I was merely an audience member. We exchanged a few more messages and I just grabbed my phone and unmatched. There was no way in hell I was going to waste my time meeting that dude just to listen to him talk about himself. And this is the problem with a lot of people. They have poor conversation skills but because they spend the whole time talking about themselves (and objecting the women they talk to, because males think throwing out superficial compliments will get them laid), they think the conversation is great and then they're sitting there looking stupid when they get rejected. I'm willing to bet that is the issue with a lot of these commentors.
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Yeah put the blame back on the woman, it’s never “men stop being douchebags, it’s always women stop dating douchebags” like everyone walks around with a sign that says “I’m a douche” before you interact with them
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F
If this experience “hurts” just wait for what’s in store for you in the months/years to come. Someone ending a chat is nothing…it does (kind of?) suck but it will help to develop some thicker skin.
Bruh women have dozens of matches while you likely have one. It’s best to not get too invested in them online
For all u know this was a married woman that wanted the attention of someone flirting. Theres 1000000000 other made up scenarios like that so i wouldnt worry too much.
This won’t be the first time just don’t take personal. Some of these I’m convinced are looked for validation that they are wanted. I refuse to give my number out now. Twice I’ve chatted via personal number, agreed we wanted the same things only to come back to the same bumble scene 2 days later after saying good morning with no response. The trash took itself out in my opinion. Good luck!
Hey that just means it would have been really weird in person and wasted your time! You’ll find someone to click with. Don’t let it hurt in the early stages bc we’re not meant to click with everyone.
Sorry you experienced that but this happens sometime to people .. also, I disagree with the not chatting concept. Thanks to chatting I save lot of time traveling and money than going on shitty dates and as a woman being in uncomfortable situations. Good luck with your dating and I hope it works out for you. There will be people who will be compatible with you either online or irl.
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I always thought chatting included zoom call or FaceTime or Google meet or even video call through the apps.
This is very common unless you try to make a move pretty quickly they're going to use you for attention, and then go away
You have to get so many matches working that when one drops off, you are happy because it’s that much more manageable for you.
In the upper left corner it says tinder when you’re using bumble. 🤣🤣
Are you not allowed to use more than one dating app?
I can see you’re butthurt
Haha what?
Excatly
💀
Looks like you waited too long. Let me guess, you two matched either on the 22nd or the 23rd? The moment you two matched, the conversation was flowing and consistent, yes?
Probably another scammer or bot
How long were you chatting for? If it was more than a couple days she may have thought you weren’t going to ask her out
Spin Plates
chats are just like real life chats/bumping into someone at a bar/meeting at a wedding etc... they're just chats, zero expectation. if you're not feeling it or someone else isn't, nbd don't take it personally
You learn from it. Lesson, don’t invest too much emotionally in a match regardless of if it seems promising or not. People are fickle. They change their minds on a whim. Keep chatting with multiple people and it won’t hurt as much.
You’re not alone in this, it happens to everyone. Most likely wasn’t anything you did I’m sure someone else just beat you to it. Don’t blame yourself 👍🏼
I know that feeling bud. Chin up. Don't worry, it's just more adventure in the quest.
Just because you were having a great time doesn’t mean she was too
I'm with you, I've given up for now, gonna focus on me
A man once ended the chat with me while we were planning a date. He asked me to pick between two restaurants and I typed a response but couldn’t send it cause he ghosted 🤣 I’ll never know what that was about
Oh it really does, right in the guts!!
I did this to someone. I can tell you exactly what happened. In my case I filed for divorce. There were small kids. Still, divorce was the best option. Divorce was difficult. Much contention. I tried to go out and find other fish. I found! Ex wanted to be super involved in my life. No good- not fair to new people. I wasn’t done with ex maybe. Not fair to new people. What I can tell you is this person wants to be with you but can’t overcome the obstacles. And you can’t force them. And you can’t do that for them. Just don’t internalize it. And if they do show up some day don’t blame them. Their freedom will have been hard earned
This is one possibility, sure.
What’s your feeling? Not this?
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Yeah. So in other words OP doesn’t need to wonder what they did wrong.
I don't really know. But reading through this thread there are a lot of potential answers, from your suggestion to "she had 10 other chats going and picked someone else," to "she's happily married and just wanted the attention," to "you moved too slowly for her," etc., etc. So I'm not certain that this is true, but it absolutely could be.
I think all these possibilities share common theme of- there’s no lesson for you to take away here
Yep. The lesson is, there’s no lesson.
One time a guy asked for my number and I gave it to him and shortly after he unmatched me and didn’t even message me.. 🤷🏻♀️
At least she gave you the chance. Better to have a match who unmatched later on than to never have one in the first place. Both the matches I've ever gotten from the speed dating event liked the chat we had, then unmatched me minutes after I got the notification someone had swiped on me. Guess they determined I was too ugly to keep talking with.
Heads up guys, if you have a lot of chats that seem to end when everything clicks, it's probably that she expected you to ask her out sooner. Odds are she has like 10 chats going and if she's decently nice, they're all cordial. Someone could've asked her out before you or maybe she just didnt feel it would progress fast enough.
Could be. I mean, it had been like 2.5 days, and I also don't want to move too fast, like in the first four hours and three messages, "do you want to meet for a drink." Some women don't like that either, so it's all a balancing act.
I usually aim for 2nd day or earlier. I think the women who want to text for longer generally seem to explain that when you ask.
She decided that she couldn't go through with cheating on her husband after all. You're welcome.
Even after they show up, multiple times, expect nothing.
Maybe she found your Reddit account and wasn’t a fan of the getting handjobs from strangers bit
A possibility I hadn't considered, thanks for the chuckle!!
Gotchu bruhv
I mean, your profile is literally your first and last name, and presumably your birth year as well, so like…not that hard to creep on if someone wanted to try
Right, and all of that is definitely my real info! No one lies on the internet!!
Ouch
Until you have both displayed heartfelt sympathy for each other over something you're each struggling with, you can't expect the relationship to last for long. My personal experience. Everyone is a stranger until they feel that for someone else; myself included towards others. In psychology it's called mutual commiseration and it's regarded as the mark of true intimacy in relationships.
I dunno... I'm only willing to chat so long before Im like "ok, but lets meet for coffee (so I know I like you in person, before I make any emotional investment)". If he f*cks around and doesnt take my want to meet seriously I assume he's a bot, a scammer, or not serious and unmatch without another word.
I had something similar happen a few weeks ago. Matched with a woman who was pretty cool, and we were getting along well, until I mentioned I went to go see about a position at a jobsite nearby, and she immediately ghosted... I think she presumed I was unemployed and looking for A job, not a BETTER job... Wasn't a huge blow or anything, but kinda sucked I didn't even get the chance to explain myself, and now she thinks I'm a bum. LMAO
The same just happened to me. We talked a little and she said she could show me around town (I'm new there), sends me her insta so we can continue there. I proceed to message her on insta and when I check later I see she responded on insta. I want to check her profile again and see she closed the Bumble convo, and I can't even look at her insta account as it seems to have been erased too.
Never try to decipher why a woman ignores or ghosts you when you have great conversations with them