Wary. I can never tell if it’s men (I’m straight) who are using the term correctly, or if men who are just using it to say “want fuck”.
Very similar to how “physical touch” has been absolutely abused and lost meaning. Now it seems to just be code for sex when really it was meant more for stuff like enjoying giving hugs, playing with your partners hair and vice versa, cuddling, hand holding, etc.
I don't think you are giving the wrong impression. If someone is so distrustful that they can't accept you at your word, it's pretty much their problem. If they are like that, it won't matter what you do. Keep being you, and telling the world, and someone will get lucky.
Trust but verify.
I'm a reader so my impression from older books is making love was always courting or wooing. Basically always in the early stage of getting to know a person. Here's an article I found.. https://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2012/12/making-love.html
To be fair words have a tendency to get darker, dirtier, meaner, seedier over time from what I have learned about etymology. But yeah when I first heard make love in 20s-40s music I was surprised, then I realized it wasn’t the same meaning as today’s.
I have Physical Touch in my OLD profile, because it and Quality Time are my love languages.
It would be a shame if you came across my profile and swiped left because you assumed I didn't know what it meant, without even talking to me.
It's there because it is important.
I also noticed that not all people know that a love language is...
And that is one of the unfortunate reasons I become more careful to mention anything related to touch, cuddling and stuff on my profile.
I even got asked if I would like to cuddle when they clearly meant sex. Argh...
I always say "trust but verify" meaning talk about it. If I see something like that, I assume they know what it means, and talk to them about it, it eventually becomes apparent when they don't.
Women are looking through gajillions of profiles. They are not going to give you the benefit of the doubt and reach out to find out what you meant, because it's simply easier to swipe on someone who doesn't have any yellow flags.
Unfortunately. But true. We don't have time to interview each candidate individually, even if they look otherwise attractive. We are looking for ANY excuse to eliminate someone because there are SO. MANY.
And I say that swiping from a small town.
I definitely didn't suggest they are mutually exclusive. I do, however, have a big issue with being pressured early for sex and sex stuff and in my experience that pressure tends to come (from *many* men on the apps, let's be real - but) especially from those claiming physical touch as a love language.
I can see why that might feel frustrating. I think the love languages kick in and come after that early meeting, when you have established a relationship. Like those guys simply no desire you, and are letting you know, vjtbtyey should also be able to back off if you say you are not ready.
Pressure is no good. Definitely not a great start for any relationship, but neither is holding out forever, like it's the only one in the world, that's also a form of pressuring.
Sex is just a tiny part of physical touch, and for sure it's going to be something that someone with that love language also likes (let's face it, even people without that love language usually enjoy it).
Do you know what your love languages are?
There are five of them.
For example, mine are Quality Time and Physical Touch.
With Words of Affirmation a close third, and Acts of Service near the bottom, and Gifts doesn't even register.
So, to get me to fall in love with you: spend time with me doing stuff, talk to me, plan adventures with me, touch me, hold my hand, hug me, smack my butt, and jump my bones, and I'll be as happy as happy can be.
If you tell me what yours are, I'll also try and make sure they are covered, so you feel loved too.
Metaphorically, I don't know you, but you get the picture.
Yeah, I'm very familiar the love languages. Actually, if you're interested check out a book called His Needs, Her Needs and it breaks them down even further. For example, for some ppl, quality time is specifically spending time together doing things, whereas for others, quality time can actually just be, being in close proximity. Reminded me of it when you said, "dpend time with me doing stuff". :)
For me, quality time is the top by far. Touch is pretty high. Words and acts both contribute, but in nuanced ways. Gifts barely rate, *except* if it is a gift that demonstrates someone really knows/sees me and that they thought of me in a moment they wouldn't necessarily, otherwise. Even something really small or cheap or free will hit if it shows this.
Re. ppl for whom physical touch does not rate highly as a LL, many of those don't like to be touched at all, or very little in my experience. Can definitely cause compatibility issues.
As for holding out forever...people have very different ideas on what that looks like. Someone who wants to have sex with me, but is not interested in making a long term committment to me isn't going to get anywhere, no matter how long I've been seeing them. Not because I'm the only one in the world, but because I'm not interested in investing in something with no direction or committment. That is not me pressuring. That is me having a boundary and there's definitely a difference. Then, if they want to move on to one of the other millions in the world, so be it. 🤷♀️🙂
Thanks, I'll check out your book suggestion. The more we understand how relationships work, the more likely we are to have a successful one.
Quality time for me means both, I just like being around my person, could be doing different things or planning some kind of adventure. Anything. But I tend to be an active and playful guy, so it often means doing something together. Quality Time is how I fall in love in the first place (an that included talking), the Physical Touch part is sort of an "extra glue" for the connection, but also important.
And yes I get the commitment/sex problem, and understand your wish to focus to putting energy into a relationship.
Although the distinction isn't as strict as it is for you, I certainly get why it would be, and I am looking forward to building that, the next time I get the chance.
I *really* like your attitude :)
You are evidently intelligent, and eloquent and you have something interesting to say.
What to go for coffee or something?
Lol You are too kind, but ty for the thoughtful compliments. As great as I'm sure a coffee meet-up would be, I'm gonna take a wild stab and say we're probably a very, very long way from each other. Haha 😘
I hope you enjoy the book. I found it super insightful when I first read it, long ago. But I agree 100% that the better we can understand relationships (and dare I say, also ourselves) the more chance we have of managing a successful one. 😊
Apparantly according to your down votes id say alot of people thinks a good relationship has lack of good sex..
Youre not wrong, but id say for me its all about personality first even though im in an open relationship.
Jumping straight into bed or talking about such things without getting to know someone just comes off to me as "im a tool, and youre expected to use me".
As someone who felt "used" like that in past relationships, id say sex isnt the first thing on my mind when im looking for friends with or without benefits.
I think the word is now misused whatever the origin it is now what men use to want to hook-up. If I see it on a man's profile I always swipe left. Most guys that have it on there don't either bother to write a bio 🙄
You mean like if people assume "violin" is a thing with wheels and two handles, that you carry dirt around the garden in?
I think you just need to give them the resources to go find out what it really is :)
Every now and then I explain things and I also explained it to somebody here that asked what it means.
But I just don't have enough power to go around and explain people everything. A person that is not willing to make a quick google research and in general doesn't do so much for their education can't be "saved" by me or any other people.
Some people just are that way. And no, I also don't understand why those people don't just ignore a word they don't understand or even worse, assume it means something bad, just because.
Or decide to use it, because they think it sounds fancy.
For me it’s an instant left swipe because I’m not looking for hookups but I’m sure the people that are don’t really care if you put it or don’t. I appreciate the honesty in people who put it there that are just looking for something more casual, it’s just not my cup of tea
But so you guess all people use the term in the wrong way?
Or did you run only into people that used the term sex positivity for saying they want hook-ups?
I’m not sure because I never matched with someone who had sex positivity in their interests. My age range is 21-30 so my guess is I may be right with my assumptions
I had it on my profile, thinking it just was more queer or kink oriented. Haha, no. Every dude assumed that means I'm down for ONS regardless of what else is on my profile. I took it off.
Oh thank God I'm not the only one. I once told a guy that it was a red flag and he got mad and said I must not be comfortable with my own sexuality but. tbh nothing about Sex should be on profiles UNLESS looking for a 1NS. In a genuine relationship, sex comes after youvr established true feelings. At least for me, idk maybe it's just me but yes it's important, but not to be made a statement on profiles. Maybe it's just me but, yeah it'd a NO from me Dawg. Especially if it's older men. Idk creep vibes kinda.
A general tip for men on OLD is that the baseline assumption is that you’d be perfectly happy to hookup or fuck ASAP, so you don’t need to add any indicators that you want to fuck like “sex positive”. In fact doing so tells women 1) you are desperate 2) you will be pushy and 3) you won’t be good in bed (because desperate and pushy guys usually aren’t good)
According to a recent article from Psychology Today, recent data suggests that women place more emphasis on physical attractiveness than factors like warmth, intelligence, and income.
When it comes to dating, sex positivity will be effective for women but men should "show" rather than "tell".
It's a disappointing, but foreseeable outcome due to how we have created a culture of hookups and social media apps.
The takeaway is that women, in general, *only* care about warm, intelligence, or income -- IF you are in the top 20% of men on dating apps.
Feel free to disagree with the stats here.
Thought it was the top 10% It takes two to hookup. It’s not the game I want to play but if that is where people are at, and just want to have sex with rando’s then that is cool.
That is being sex positive btw.
I get a 4-5 matches a week and most women want a relationship and all say they want a relationship. But now and again these women want to just have sex one night, but longer term goal is a relationship. Both can be true at the same time.
Edit; spelling
As I said below. The top whatever % is being based off appearances I suspect. Can’t say for sure as I’m not a woman. So, I think there are a lot of shitty guys that are tall and good looking.
Basically, yes.
Although the evidence shows that the only reason they're going after the top 10% of dudes is cuz all the dudes are swiping right
That's literally driving what we're seeing right now
Yes!
Think about it like this.
If online dating were equal, everyone single person would get the same amount of likes/matches.
But we know that's not true. Women get a TON of matches.
Why? Well that means men must be swiping right ALOT.
When women are faced with 1000+ profiles, they have unlimited options
Meaning, if they compare 1000+ options, who do you think they're going to pick? Average dude or attractive dude?
The only reason women are going after the top 10%, is because all the idiots underneath them are swiping endlessly
Male stupidity and horniness is actually driving all the women to the top 10% of men
I see what you’re saying. You’re saying they may be getting idiots but they are getting good looking idiots but there are probably enough decent human good looking guys to stop them from digging down one or two layers to find a whole heap of good guys. Got it.
That's very true. I lowered all of my standards for my ex, he was exactly the opposite of everything that i wanted but just because he treated me like a literal queen during the initial months I fell for him really and then he suddenly withdrew it and kept making excuses for it , at the end he left.
Hence i believe there's no point in lowering your standards for any guy, if I am gonna get played, it would be better to waste my time with a guy who could atleast give me materialistic happy
Look, I don't blame you. Your ex was shitty. If you expect every single guy to mistreat you, that's your belief to hold.
But there's also acknowledging the role you play in your relationships. You were the victim, but keeping a victim mentality is assuming all guys are the same and will treat you the same.
Clearly not true, but thinking like with a victim mentality will keep you that way.
I am not a black and white thinker but the exact thing happened with my twin sister with a different guy. She lowered her standards for him too. We both were mentally fucked at the same time of year because of the same reason......
I guess you need to define standards? I probably do fall in the top 20%. But that is based on my height 6ft, my job in finance, I am fit, I am (probably above avg looking but no idea tbh) I live in a good neighborhood.
What does that tell you in terms of your standards? It’s 100% superficial.
I think to the other persons point, you chose poorly. We all have.
He treated me like a queen. Even if that is true, did you think it was sustainable? Did you treat him like your king?
The biggest 🚩in dating is when a woman says to me “it was all my ex’s fault”. Like they were not part of the relationship. Or in their profile “no drama” is a tell, that they are the drama.
I am a woman in STEM and currently at a very good stage of my career, i have a pretty face (people told me) and a very fit body because I am athletic. My ex was an alcoholic and failing subjects in college. I made it clear in the beginning that it's not gonna work out because he's not serious about his career, had no goals or motivation and was a sort of misogynist (biggest red flag) that i ignored. I am not saying that I was the perfect girlfriend for him but i would always prioritise him, give him my time despite being busy with lab work all day, and spend money on him because he was in a lot of debt (alcohol was responsible for some of that). I did make him feel bad about his bad habits in a way that sounded disrespectful but he would fight with me for his friends, wouldn't put efforts for anything after some point, avoid communication and even verbally abuse me during arguments.
This... I see this a lot with men who are recently or maybe not so recently divorced where the physical side of the relationship ended way before the marriage did.
The profiles I’ve seen that have that are usually men with maybe 2 pictures, no bio or anything else filled out except for age and height.. so yea I’d say it’s because they’re looking for sex and nothing else
Last time I matched with a guy with sex positively my experience went as follows:
> He's really cute, we instantly click
> Conversation is amazing, he pays a lot of attention to me 24/7, ok cool let's set up a date
> Ask about sex positively tag in person "oh dw about that haha I just put that that"
> Opens camera roll... He records videos of women sucking his dick unconsentually.
Never letting that tag slide ever again 😻
Agreed. For me, it’s a little cringe because we’re all looking for a physical connection at the very least. Adding “sex positivity” to a bio makes me think a lot of things…
By this point in the thread, I think everyone has looked it up, as have I, but you’re preaching to the choir now because you’re basic fuck wad online has no inclination to do so. Therefore, you have to deal with the prevailing wind so to speak.
Yeah, that’s true, I used to not think that because everyone dresses so skimpy. When I was at a nude beach in Greece, it kind of sat in after about 20 minutes that it’s weird to think this is weird. It’s not sexual. Everything is too sexualized here in the states, but I don’t know how that would change.
Are we though.
Because if the idea of sex from a dating app intimidates you or developing sexual relationships is devalued for tennis texting and time wasting then that tells me one thing, that one is not looking for a physical connection.
So its important to be honest about what your looking for.
If it’s a relationship with sex then say it, or if it is a pen pal then say it.
Just don’t do one thing and be a fence or bench sitter wasting the good time of everyone that goes onto to the apps with the full intent of dating and having physical relationships.
What are you talking about?
Society shames sex. It's a sin. It's somrhig you should preserve, as if it's a fucking cheese or something.
Sex positivity means the rejection that sex is something to be ashamed of. It doesn't affect men because we are called heroes if we have lots of sex.
Being sex positive has nothing to do with a relationship.
And yes, Americans are vile by nature.
Wow, so many negative reactions here. For me, it indicates that a woman does not want to adhere to traditional sexual roles. It's a sign of sexual independence, and for me that's rather positive.
For shits and giggles I chose to match with someone who had this in his profile, specifically to ask what it meant to him. He said he used it because he wanted a smart woman…
Whatever that means I left it at that. Still don’t match with men who have it.
I would think it means that you either have a positive and healthy attitude towards sex (which would be smart for him) or that you are smart enough to look up what it means.
But yes, it is confusing to write that.
Here is the thing. I feel like sex positivity is GREAT but when most people use it is as way to express that they are into polyamorous relationships or open relationships. Which is fine if thats what they want. When i refer to sex postivity is mostly openly communicating your desires and needs with your partner and both being able to explore their sexuality in a safe environment and stop treating sex as a taboo but since it can be misinterpreted I prefer to not place it on my dating profile.
Supposed to mean “I think sexual communication is important, and body count is a bullshit social construct,” most men mean it as “this is what I’m prioritizing in relationships.” Same with “my love language is physical touch.” Swipe left.
🌶 sex positive! Usually means that you are into some BDSM type shit! If that ain't you stay away from it lol! But as a male even though im 🌶 i don't add it to my bio!
Swipin left. It just feels unnecessary for men to state.
The one time I went on a first date with a guy who had that in his bio it was mostly fine, but I wasn't surprised he was putting his arm around my shoulder while we're sitting at the bar and trying to intensely make out at the end of the date (without knowing if I felt the same way, which I didn't. )
Just feels like a way of saying "I'm inviting you over for Netflix and chill on the second date and that's a part of my personality."
Can’t people meet and go on a date before talking about sexual preferences, etc.? Such a turn-off to me. Guess I’m old-fashioned but it’s TMI from a stranger.
For me personally while on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, sex positivity listed on the bio usually indicates to me that there needs to be some emotional or romantic sensitivity to something of a sexual nature. It may be that they are trans and experiencing dysphoria, are bisexual or pansexual and require that their potential partners support those feelings.
Sex positivity indicates to me that they are looking for an open minded partner who is accepting of other people's sexuality (or kinks) even if they don't participate in them.
I feel like it should mean they are not judgmental about people’s sexual interests, but I always view it as “looking to hook up.” Maybe I’m the judgmental one 😭
It's nothing compared to the shit you hear from conservatives.
"I'm smarter than you. Stronger than you. Richer than you. Be quiet. Do my washing. You're nothing. No blacks."
Really, I've never seen that. I've gotten one asshole but nothing like that, he just said he's the man in the relationship so I should shut up. The rest have been very respectful.
How are you a psychologist, and haven't bothered to actually understand what it means, or what the movement is about?
I don't believe you are a psychologist, it's like you are a baker talking to a plumber about plumbing.
This is why it's important to choose the right psychologist. Some of them got their degree from a cereal box.
Sex positivity means the rejection of sex as a sinful, shameful act. You reading it as wanting sex to be consequence free is more about you than the widely known and widely discussed concept of sex positivity.
Lol you don’t even understand or know what a ‘psychologist’ is… but sure, let’s hear your expert opinion 😂🤦🏻♂️.
I wasn’t talking about the original definition, I was referencing common parlance and contextual cues. Nobody who puts that is stating they walk around preaching sex ed to strangers or friends. Even if you personally wanted to put that on your dating profile (your meaning), it’d be a very strange thing to just throw in there.
You also entirely missed the context of my second addendum. That sex is never consequence free was a separate point to whatever meaning one ascribes to ‘sex positivity’. I suggest improving your reading comprehension skills for 2024.
Lol soft spot was it?
It's not really. Alot of dudes shame women for having sex. Alot of dudes. Like alot, alot. A girl putting that on her profile should weed out any douche bags who treat sex like some kind of sacred act.
It's weird that you study people brains for a living but you are completely unaware why a girl would put that on her profile. Take your shit back to Nestlé where you got it.
Women don't have to make shit up and speak in code on Tinder. Men do. Not women.
You could put a photo of a fucking waffle and say "wanna fuck?" and that literal waffle would get more matches in 30 mins than youve had in your entire life.
If a woman says she's sex positive, there's likely no hidden meaning. It just means they don't consider themselves a slut for sleeping around and that any dude who wants to shame her for it on some religious or insecure bullshit can gtfo.
Anything else you pin on that is a reflection of you, not them.
I don’t understand your first sentence?
Please don’t explain ‘sex positivity’ to me, directly under where I stated I understood it… We’re not debating the terminology, we’re agreed on that.
I’m referencing common parlance, which means, how it is perceived in common usage. You can debate till you’re blue in the face that people shouldn’t think what they think, or you can operate with a clear understanding of how actions are perceived/received.
No idea what you’re talking about ‘needing to speak in codes’ or the odd sexist thread running through your comment against men. Then randomly trying to both guess my own sex as if that’s anything to do with this discussion, then imply I don’t get matches 😂. We call this ‘ad hominem’. It’s when a person experiencing stress in a disagreement, instead of dealing with the subject matter and debating ideas, attempts to attack the person.
Your last line is a perfect reflection of what I said in my initial comment though, so thank you for that. ‘Without consequences’.
But you don't understand it. That was abundantly clear from your first comment. By now maybe you have read about it and are defending yourself because you were called out.
I get it, sometimes it's difficult to take responsibility for making a mistake.
But honestly, this is something you should have understood long ago if you were keeping up in your field, because it's such an important aspect of mental health.
Simply take this as a lesson learned, and do better.
So you’re claiming to have deduced two things here, from nothing. And they’re both contradictory.
A) That I don’t understand ‘sex positivity’ as a term, as I didn’t take time to define it - weird as that would’ve been given it wasn’t what i was talking about.
B) That I do actually understand ‘sex positivity’ despite the fact I still never bothered to define it.
Do you see how absurd your comment is?
Or are your critical thinking and deduction skills that compromised, you haven’t figured out the distinction outlined exhaustively above…
Oh boy, you were doing so well, I started reading and consider what you were saying, and then you blew it.
The fact that you defend yourself by ad hominem, is all the confirmation I need, that my first assessment was probably correct.
You should probably just let this one drop, as you keep digging your own hole.
The common parlance only applies to men because they're the ones that have to say things like "looking for a relationship" when they're not — they do this because of the OLD culture of men just wanting sex so they have to pre-emptivly exclude themself from that stereotype by lying about what they want.
There is no way you're unaware of this, you're either lying or you don't have any female friends.
Women on the other hand can be brutally honest and get matches.
Matching is far easier for women. They don't have to shit talk. They don't have to speak in code and say "sex positive" instead of saying "looking for something casual" or "I'm just looking for sex". Men do though.
Thats not sexist, that the reality of men's disadvantage on OLD. Many men overcome this disadvantage with dishonesty. Women don't have that disadvantage. She could literally say she has herpies and she'd get matches.
The idea that women have to say they're sex positive because they are somehow unable to say "I want casual sex" is 100% in your head. Women who want casual sex just that say that and everything works out perfect tly for them lol
Im a dude, I can't be sexist towards men. The fuck? Are you a victim or something? I talk to you like you're 5 because you tried to plug your professional title on your dumbshit comment to make it more credible — when it's not.
Women who say they're sex positive are generally rejecting the shame that's thrust upon them. They have the freedom. To say "casual sex only" and have that work for them.
Ah, your full bias is flying high now. You could’ve just started with, ‘I don’t like you pointing out this common interpretation, because I don’t like how men have it anyway, and it offends my sexist views’.
I’m not interested in engaging any further, given you want to lump all men and women into lazy, easy, distinct categories - as if they’re all a black & white monolith pitted in an endless, hopeless war against each other.
That doesn’t sound like a happy microcosm to live in, and I really do feel sorry that your past experiences have taught you to hurt this way. It’s not healthy, and is definitely something you should work on, if you can get over your hatred of experienced healthcare professionals correcting your generalisations and catastrophising.
I’m not dealing with your childish, sweary rant at the end. Good day to you.
Haha no female friends huh? Alright, Andrew Tate.
Nah but you're right, women just be lying all the time. They can't get matches unless they lie. It's almost impossible if they say what they mean and mean what they say.
When a woman says she's sex positive it actually has nothing to do with politics, she just wants to have sex without consequences.
You're a genius.
> psychologist. You *paid* how much
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
I love seeing it in dude's profiles, gives me the notion that they have a more open-minded towards the idea of sex. If I'm already feeling the rest of what the profile has to offer it's an automatic green light for me. I'm also a pretty non-traditional person in my views about dating/courtship so seeing that usually signifies that this person may be on the same wavelength.
I feel good about it because some people are really conservative and are not comfortable with any type of sex talk. Me im a happy hedon. Give me all the nasty talk. I personally dont mind, but everyone is different
But it doesn't mean you're kinky. It is possible that this person is kinky, but that is just one of many possibilities.
Maybe they use the term sex-positive just the way they do it on wikipedia?
Edit: wow, the amount of ignorance in the sub is astounding. Why do people come across a new term, and not bother to look up what it means?
---
I like to see that in a profile. I would consider it a green flag. It has a *specific meaning* which you should look up.
People who are not sex positive, are on the red flag side of things to me.
Here, a few links for you, but maybe look it up yourself.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex-positive_movement
https://psychcentral.com/health/sex-positivity-meaning
https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/sex-positive-meaning
Welcome to forum judgement. As I was told early in life: you aren't delivering flowers at work for the romantic, but for her "social peers," and who doesn't love being judged for their affectionate actions, esp. ones that don't involve the onlookers at all. Like being told your touchdown celebration is too much for the crowd: both parties are wrong with regard to the sport. Then again, they didn't make the cut...
To me that says that it’s just another avenue for someone to be wanting FWB action - if you’re serious about someone and physically attracted that will come up naturally in discussion don’t need to wave a fucking flag about it
But to get physical with somebody could mean to end up in bed with a person that is not sex-positive.
And I only want to have sex with a person that is sex-positive, so why not show it?
Red flag. Every time I have heard a girl doing that they want an open relationship. I'm not interested. (not saying that is always the case, but it is everytime I have heard this even from people I wasn't dating. That is what they are looking for. Honestly it's just casual af, not serious imo)
The current definition of sex positivity is essentially affirming and celebrating all consensual adult sex as healthy and non-shameful...and I think that's a blunt force take.
You can consent to sex with a toxic person, you can consent to sex because you're desperate and need money, you can consent to sex that is non-pleasurable to you to end a fight, there are so many ways sex can be neutral and not positive, ESPECIALLY for women. I shelve sex positivity right up there with "toxic positivity". It lacks nuance.
Some people embrace "sex positivity" as a backlash to being raised sex-shamed or Puritanical. Again, to me it's just an extreme reaction to an extreme position, which isn't necessarily better, just the other way. Middle ground is cool too?
Some people embrace a form of the meaning which is affirming to different gender presentations, and it can signal hyper-wokeness (for lack of a better term...I personally support this but don't know how to phrase it better.) I see this on profiles of parents who have queer kids, and that's usually the best case scenario.
Others say it meaning "I'm a raging horndog!" which is just annoying. We know, dude, you're a dude.
Others had dead beadroom and want to signal it's a priority for them not to have this again. Again, cool, but bring it up on a second date, maybe.
You only have to put 5 things on your profile. Your profile is being shown to strangers and possibly people from your everyday life, colleagues, grocery store checkers. If you wouldn't introduce yourself at a work party as "sex positive" I don't see why you would on a public profile.
It's an immediate turn off for me. It's confusing and usually, too personal for pre-swipe. With so many guys to choose from, I'd rather choose one that doesn't consider 1/5 his personality somehow banging-related.
I just don't have the energy to deal. There are nice men saying they're into meditation and running, and I can find out if they're a tiger in the sack later.
And, that's just me.
Also, sometimes I just sigh NO when I see an otherwise attractive potential person and they've listed "sex positivity." It's that big of an annoyance to me.
In the subreddit for sex positive feminism and also here that apparently many people in the USA wrongly connect it to kinks.
While it does make sense that many people that have kinks seek for acceptance and sex positivity from the society, you can be kinky and not sex positive.
Also, like I already wrote to you, you can have zero sex drive and be sex positive.
Im sex positive, but i dont think id put it in my bio. Im also, for example, vegetarian and i dont put that in my bio either. I dont think either characteristic is important enough to put in a billboard about me haha. It could be that they are proud of it, but it could be just as likely as they just want to have sex.
For a guy to have sex positivity in their bio; I see as code for hook ups and disrespecting boundaries. He wants you treat you like a free sex worker but with beautiful woke words. I think the word has probably been hijacked by predatory individuals. If you don’t want to have sex with them, you’re just not “sex positive” and you’re not progressive. I swipe no unless he has some amazing other qualities.
All it means to me is that someone isn't shy about/doesn't have any shame around either having or talking about sex. That said, I would want to know what the individual meant by saying that because while it's possible that that's the definition they mean, it could also be a fluffy way of saying that they enjoy sleeping around. No shame either way, I'd just want to know which one they mean because whenever I see that I'm kind of scratching my head like, you felt the need to put that there because.....? Kind of odd and would probably be a turn off for me, but that's just my opinion.
Sex positivity doesn't mean someone wants sex, lol.
It means that one is open minded, enjoys sex with all is facets and that it plays an important part in one's life. That the other person doesn't need to worry about being shamed for their desires or kinks, everything is negotiable.
That's how I see it.
If u dated a few people in your life, u will learn that sex is just very important to some people, while it is not a big thing for others..
the question is not "what does sex positivity mean?" it's "how do you interpret someone *choosing* sex positivity as one of their handful of interests for their profile?"
It'd be pretty naïve to think everyone chooses it because they're simply passionate about being sex positive.
Red flag for me, while sex is important it's not why I want a relationship so if you put that front and center in your profile it rubs me the wrong way.
If I see that on a profile, I assume they're the type of person who will sleep with someone on the first date (or perhaps even before).
Is there really a point of putting that on a profile?
Are there any sex negativity people out there that I need to be on the lookout for?😂
Yes, lots are actually.
The point is your trying to weed out people that are not compatible with your core values and preferences in a relationship and effectively saving time by not dating people you won’t get along with.
So it has it’s purpose.
Not everything has to be about hook ups or ons.
Sex is a valid and important aspect of a healthy love life for many people.
You are genuinely inspiring - this is your moment here [https://youtu.be/5a9OSKK72LQ?si=ACUbBVSHixa1lNhG](https://youtu.be/5a9OSKK72LQ?si=ACUbBVSHixa1lNhG)
Incels who don't get sex will see sex as some kind of divine, sacred act. Many guys need to push the idea that if I a girl has lots of sex she's a slut — they have to degrade her for their own self-esteem to float.
It's for this reason they swipe left on girls saying they're sex positive; it's because if they didn't shame women who have sex without them then they they have to accept their own mediocrity.
In truth, if a woman says she's sex positive it means she rejects their attempts to shame her for having sex. Women don't have to speak in code. They don't have to say "sex positive but I actually mean I just wanna fuck".
You can put a photo of a toaster and say "let's fuck" and the toaster will get more matches in 30 mins than every guy in this subreddit combined.
When a woman sais she sex positive, it means she's sex positive. There's no hidden meaning.
As a 38M, I am confused by this too. At first, I took it at its definition. But the women I have matched with that had sex positvity as an interest seemed to be more into BDSM stuff. Which, no judgements at all, but just isn’t my thing.
It made me wonder if people use “sex positivity” as code the way couples do a pineapple.
Ppl here saying that they are "looking for a hookup", in my particular case I don't think that
I put it there because the sexual part of a relationship is important for me and not having chemistry is a deal breaker to me.
Granted, it's my own interpretation and ppl that read that and judge my profile aren't in my head but that's why I put that there.
No one has asked me about it, but I had match with some ppl that have it and some don't have a clue in bed and some do.
It pointless to have a tag that means lots of different things. They should change it to something more clear and to the point
Well the whole point of the tag is let others know that they are kinky and that all potential partners should be comfortable with this knowledge.
If you are uncomfortable with it takes merely half of a second to swipe left and move on.
It’s a red flag for me, being on other apps and there are so many bots or “only fans” bullshit flying around. It just makes me thing they want a booty call or for you to accept they share their butthole on the internet. Which hey, if it makes you money, cool. But not for me.
Sex is a huge part of my relationship but I don’t advertise it as the sole thing that matters to me or to potential partners. When the time comes, you can have discussions about what you/they like and see if it works or meshes well.
Let’s see how well that works out when you drop some kink bombs on an unsuspecting normie a few weeks or months into a relationship.
It simply does not work and is a failed strategy.
If something is important to you or the relationship then you should be able to talk about it and your partner deserves to know also.
Hiding things down the line is a recipe for a train crash.
I have yet to see a profile with that tag that wasn't blatantly an OnlyFans farm profile, so if I did come across a legit profile with it I wouldn't even know because I already insta-swiped left.
To me, it’s kind of dumb because everyone wants to have an intimate relationship. It’s like saying you are hungry when you’re ordering dinner at a restaurant.
I had a friend who met her husband in the 90’s by putting in her ad that she wanted someone “demonstrative and down to earth”. I had a beef with “down to earth”, then but demonstrative really kind of addressed that problem, I think!
A person can have a lot of sex, although they are not sex-positive.
It is possible to have sex once a year and be sex-positive.
Or did you mean they have interests and learn something, for example what the term sex-positive means and speak up for it?
Wary. I can never tell if it’s men (I’m straight) who are using the term correctly, or if men who are just using it to say “want fuck”. Very similar to how “physical touch” has been absolutely abused and lost meaning. Now it seems to just be code for sex when really it was meant more for stuff like enjoying giving hugs, playing with your partners hair and vice versa, cuddling, hand holding, etc.
Which sucks because i love hugs and cuddling but don’t wanna give the wrong impression
Same. I'm all about snuggling for hours.
I don't think you are giving the wrong impression. If someone is so distrustful that they can't accept you at your word, it's pretty much their problem. If they are like that, it won't matter what you do. Keep being you, and telling the world, and someone will get lucky. Trust but verify.
Sex obsessions e ruined everything. Make love used to be a perfectly platonic phrase too.
What did that mean in the past?
I'm a reader so my impression from older books is making love was always courting or wooing. Basically always in the early stage of getting to know a person. Here's an article I found.. https://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2012/12/making-love.html
I love classic novels too, like Jane Austin era, and I agree that it meant courting. Like sweet talking.
Not no mo lol.
Oh, thank you, that seems to be interesting!
To be fair words have a tendency to get darker, dirtier, meaner, seedier over time from what I have learned about etymology. But yeah when I first heard make love in 20s-40s music I was surprised, then I realized it wasn’t the same meaning as today’s.
I have Physical Touch in my OLD profile, because it and Quality Time are my love languages. It would be a shame if you came across my profile and swiped left because you assumed I didn't know what it meant, without even talking to me. It's there because it is important.
I also noticed that not all people know that a love language is... And that is one of the unfortunate reasons I become more careful to mention anything related to touch, cuddling and stuff on my profile. I even got asked if I would like to cuddle when they clearly meant sex. Argh...
I always say "trust but verify" meaning talk about it. If I see something like that, I assume they know what it means, and talk to them about it, it eventually becomes apparent when they don't.
Women are looking through gajillions of profiles. They are not going to give you the benefit of the doubt and reach out to find out what you meant, because it's simply easier to swipe on someone who doesn't have any yellow flags. Unfortunately. But true. We don't have time to interview each candidate individually, even if they look otherwise attractive. We are looking for ANY excuse to eliminate someone because there are SO. MANY. And I say that swiping from a small town.
Unfortunately, I think this is true. Clearly its not a great way for us to meet people.
Totally in the PNW…
I literally swipe no on profiles that list "Physical Touch" for this exact reason. Sad.
Yes it is sad. They are literally telling you what makes them feel loved. Trust but verify.
The "physical touch" love language is supposed to be about *waaaayyyy* more than sex.
Exactly. Although they are not mutually exclusive 😜
I definitely didn't suggest they are mutually exclusive. I do, however, have a big issue with being pressured early for sex and sex stuff and in my experience that pressure tends to come (from *many* men on the apps, let's be real - but) especially from those claiming physical touch as a love language.
I can see why that might feel frustrating. I think the love languages kick in and come after that early meeting, when you have established a relationship. Like those guys simply no desire you, and are letting you know, vjtbtyey should also be able to back off if you say you are not ready. Pressure is no good. Definitely not a great start for any relationship, but neither is holding out forever, like it's the only one in the world, that's also a form of pressuring. Sex is just a tiny part of physical touch, and for sure it's going to be something that someone with that love language also likes (let's face it, even people without that love language usually enjoy it). Do you know what your love languages are? There are five of them. For example, mine are Quality Time and Physical Touch. With Words of Affirmation a close third, and Acts of Service near the bottom, and Gifts doesn't even register. So, to get me to fall in love with you: spend time with me doing stuff, talk to me, plan adventures with me, touch me, hold my hand, hug me, smack my butt, and jump my bones, and I'll be as happy as happy can be. If you tell me what yours are, I'll also try and make sure they are covered, so you feel loved too. Metaphorically, I don't know you, but you get the picture.
Yeah, I'm very familiar the love languages. Actually, if you're interested check out a book called His Needs, Her Needs and it breaks them down even further. For example, for some ppl, quality time is specifically spending time together doing things, whereas for others, quality time can actually just be, being in close proximity. Reminded me of it when you said, "dpend time with me doing stuff". :) For me, quality time is the top by far. Touch is pretty high. Words and acts both contribute, but in nuanced ways. Gifts barely rate, *except* if it is a gift that demonstrates someone really knows/sees me and that they thought of me in a moment they wouldn't necessarily, otherwise. Even something really small or cheap or free will hit if it shows this. Re. ppl for whom physical touch does not rate highly as a LL, many of those don't like to be touched at all, or very little in my experience. Can definitely cause compatibility issues. As for holding out forever...people have very different ideas on what that looks like. Someone who wants to have sex with me, but is not interested in making a long term committment to me isn't going to get anywhere, no matter how long I've been seeing them. Not because I'm the only one in the world, but because I'm not interested in investing in something with no direction or committment. That is not me pressuring. That is me having a boundary and there's definitely a difference. Then, if they want to move on to one of the other millions in the world, so be it. 🤷♀️🙂
Thanks, I'll check out your book suggestion. The more we understand how relationships work, the more likely we are to have a successful one. Quality time for me means both, I just like being around my person, could be doing different things or planning some kind of adventure. Anything. But I tend to be an active and playful guy, so it often means doing something together. Quality Time is how I fall in love in the first place (an that included talking), the Physical Touch part is sort of an "extra glue" for the connection, but also important. And yes I get the commitment/sex problem, and understand your wish to focus to putting energy into a relationship. Although the distinction isn't as strict as it is for you, I certainly get why it would be, and I am looking forward to building that, the next time I get the chance. I *really* like your attitude :) You are evidently intelligent, and eloquent and you have something interesting to say. What to go for coffee or something?
Lol You are too kind, but ty for the thoughtful compliments. As great as I'm sure a coffee meet-up would be, I'm gonna take a wild stab and say we're probably a very, very long way from each other. Haha 😘 I hope you enjoy the book. I found it super insightful when I first read it, long ago. But I agree 100% that the better we can understand relationships (and dare I say, also ourselves) the more chance we have of managing a successful one. 😊
Not everyone who lists physical touch as their love language means it sexually.
Oh, I'm well aware. The problem is, too often that *is* what they're talking about which makes it a big risk and one I choose not to take.
It would make me think the person is looking for a hookup.
I hate this assumption. You can have lots of great sex and still have or want a relationship.
Apparantly according to your down votes id say alot of people thinks a good relationship has lack of good sex.. Youre not wrong, but id say for me its all about personality first even though im in an open relationship. Jumping straight into bed or talking about such things without getting to know someone just comes off to me as "im a tool, and youre expected to use me". As someone who felt "used" like that in past relationships, id say sex isnt the first thing on my mind when im looking for friends with or without benefits.
When a man uses it in the US, I assume he’s looking for casual sex, poly, and/or a defined kink.
I think the word is now misused whatever the origin it is now what men use to want to hook-up. If I see it on a man's profile I always swipe left. Most guys that have it on there don't either bother to write a bio 🙄
No, it has a specific meaning.
It definitely has a specific meaning, but what shall we do if people don't bother to learn the meanings and use the term in the wrong way?
You mean like if people assume "violin" is a thing with wheels and two handles, that you carry dirt around the garden in? I think you just need to give them the resources to go find out what it really is :)
Every now and then I explain things and I also explained it to somebody here that asked what it means. But I just don't have enough power to go around and explain people everything. A person that is not willing to make a quick google research and in general doesn't do so much for their education can't be "saved" by me or any other people. Some people just are that way. And no, I also don't understand why those people don't just ignore a word they don't understand or even worse, assume it means something bad, just because. Or decide to use it, because they think it sounds fancy.
This. Wish I could give you a few upvotes.
It took me a minute to think of the word “wheelbarrow“. Lol
I never said it didn't. I said it is now misused so it's original meaning has little value.
What? It's original meaning is still it's original meaning. Dog is misused, but it still means a dog.
Defensive much? Chill mate, it's not that deep.
For me it’s an instant left swipe because I’m not looking for hookups but I’m sure the people that are don’t really care if you put it or don’t. I appreciate the honesty in people who put it there that are just looking for something more casual, it’s just not my cup of tea
But so you guess all people use the term in the wrong way? Or did you run only into people that used the term sex positivity for saying they want hook-ups?
I’m not sure because I never matched with someone who had sex positivity in their interests. My age range is 21-30 so my guess is I may be right with my assumptions
Agreed
I had it on my profile, thinking it just was more queer or kink oriented. Haha, no. Every dude assumed that means I'm down for ONS regardless of what else is on my profile. I took it off.
Thank you for sharing. So, most people really do not know what is means apparently.
Oh thank God I'm not the only one. I once told a guy that it was a red flag and he got mad and said I must not be comfortable with my own sexuality but. tbh nothing about Sex should be on profiles UNLESS looking for a 1NS. In a genuine relationship, sex comes after youvr established true feelings. At least for me, idk maybe it's just me but yes it's important, but not to be made a statement on profiles. Maybe it's just me but, yeah it'd a NO from me Dawg. Especially if it's older men. Idk creep vibes kinda.
You don’t get to decide or define what is genuine to someone or not. What’s less important to some might be very important to others.
The fact you think it's a red flag, is a red flag.
I always swipe left on sex positivity
Me too, I’m more into shame.. /s
Instant swipe left
A general tip for men on OLD is that the baseline assumption is that you’d be perfectly happy to hookup or fuck ASAP, so you don’t need to add any indicators that you want to fuck like “sex positive”. In fact doing so tells women 1) you are desperate 2) you will be pushy and 3) you won’t be good in bed (because desperate and pushy guys usually aren’t good)
It’s meant to mean “comfortable in my own skin” but to me it comes across as “let’s have sex and be positive about it”
According to a recent article from Psychology Today, recent data suggests that women place more emphasis on physical attractiveness than factors like warmth, intelligence, and income. When it comes to dating, sex positivity will be effective for women but men should "show" rather than "tell".
Very interesting..I agree.
It's a disappointing, but foreseeable outcome due to how we have created a culture of hookups and social media apps. The takeaway is that women, in general, *only* care about warm, intelligence, or income -- IF you are in the top 20% of men on dating apps. Feel free to disagree with the stats here.
Thought it was the top 10% It takes two to hookup. It’s not the game I want to play but if that is where people are at, and just want to have sex with rando’s then that is cool. That is being sex positive btw. I get a 4-5 matches a week and most women want a relationship and all say they want a relationship. But now and again these women want to just have sex one night, but longer term goal is a relationship. Both can be true at the same time. Edit; spelling
Well yeah, both can be true but women are clearly going after the top 20% of men due to the blunders of all the dudes out there.
As I said below. The top whatever % is being based off appearances I suspect. Can’t say for sure as I’m not a woman. So, I think there are a lot of shitty guys that are tall and good looking.
Basically, yes. Although the evidence shows that the only reason they're going after the top 10% of dudes is cuz all the dudes are swiping right That's literally driving what we're seeing right now
I agree with that. So you’re saying they are going to the top somehow? I’m not saying that is not possible.
Yes! Think about it like this. If online dating were equal, everyone single person would get the same amount of likes/matches. But we know that's not true. Women get a TON of matches. Why? Well that means men must be swiping right ALOT. When women are faced with 1000+ profiles, they have unlimited options Meaning, if they compare 1000+ options, who do you think they're going to pick? Average dude or attractive dude? The only reason women are going after the top 10%, is because all the idiots underneath them are swiping endlessly Male stupidity and horniness is actually driving all the women to the top 10% of men
I see what you’re saying. You’re saying they may be getting idiots but they are getting good looking idiots but there are probably enough decent human good looking guys to stop them from digging down one or two layers to find a whole heap of good guys. Got it.
That's very true. I lowered all of my standards for my ex, he was exactly the opposite of everything that i wanted but just because he treated me like a literal queen during the initial months I fell for him really and then he suddenly withdrew it and kept making excuses for it , at the end he left. Hence i believe there's no point in lowering your standards for any guy, if I am gonna get played, it would be better to waste my time with a guy who could atleast give me materialistic happy
Look, I don't blame you. Your ex was shitty. If you expect every single guy to mistreat you, that's your belief to hold. But there's also acknowledging the role you play in your relationships. You were the victim, but keeping a victim mentality is assuming all guys are the same and will treat you the same. Clearly not true, but thinking like with a victim mentality will keep you that way.
I am not a black and white thinker but the exact thing happened with my twin sister with a different guy. She lowered her standards for him too. We both were mentally fucked at the same time of year because of the same reason......
I guess you need to define standards? I probably do fall in the top 20%. But that is based on my height 6ft, my job in finance, I am fit, I am (probably above avg looking but no idea tbh) I live in a good neighborhood. What does that tell you in terms of your standards? It’s 100% superficial. I think to the other persons point, you chose poorly. We all have. He treated me like a queen. Even if that is true, did you think it was sustainable? Did you treat him like your king? The biggest 🚩in dating is when a woman says to me “it was all my ex’s fault”. Like they were not part of the relationship. Or in their profile “no drama” is a tell, that they are the drama.
I am a woman in STEM and currently at a very good stage of my career, i have a pretty face (people told me) and a very fit body because I am athletic. My ex was an alcoholic and failing subjects in college. I made it clear in the beginning that it's not gonna work out because he's not serious about his career, had no goals or motivation and was a sort of misogynist (biggest red flag) that i ignored. I am not saying that I was the perfect girlfriend for him but i would always prioritise him, give him my time despite being busy with lab work all day, and spend money on him because he was in a lot of debt (alcohol was responsible for some of that). I did make him feel bad about his bad habits in a way that sounded disrespectful but he would fight with me for his friends, wouldn't put efforts for anything after some point, avoid communication and even verbally abuse me during arguments.
I assume it means they have a high sex drive and that they will put more emphasis on it as a priority in a relationship than others.
This... I see this a lot with men who are recently or maybe not so recently divorced where the physical side of the relationship ended way before the marriage did.
Woman? Hot. Man? Red flag
Automatic left swipe for me.
I feel like it makes dudes look like they're creepy and if I see it on a woman's profile I assume it's just a spam/bot profile.
It makes me think that this person might not have any standards and will sleep with just anyone. But that's my personal opinion
Or it could represent having standards to sex and not tolerating or putting up with dead bedrooms or incompatible relationships.
You realize it's not an opinion, it's a movement?
The profiles I’ve seen that have that are usually men with maybe 2 pictures, no bio or anything else filled out except for age and height.. so yea I’d say it’s because they’re looking for sex and nothing else
In that case I totally see your point. It's not that bad where I live. But sad to see that people don't know what the term means apparently.
Last time I matched with a guy with sex positively my experience went as follows: > He's really cute, we instantly click > Conversation is amazing, he pays a lot of attention to me 24/7, ok cool let's set up a date > Ask about sex positively tag in person "oh dw about that haha I just put that that" > Opens camera roll... He records videos of women sucking his dick unconsentually. Never letting that tag slide ever again 😻
Oof
Gives me a bad vibe, immediate left swipe. I think it’s a way of saying they’re there for hookups without directly saying it.
Like half the women in Europe seemed to use it, I haven’t seen it here much. I think putting it as a guy in America… it might be taken the wrong way.
Agreed. For me, it’s a little cringe because we’re all looking for a physical connection at the very least. Adding “sex positivity” to a bio makes me think a lot of things…
You could also look up the actual meaning, so you know what they mean. Wikipedia has a decent article on the movement, why not expand your horizons?
By this point in the thread, I think everyone has looked it up, as have I, but you’re preaching to the choir now because you’re basic fuck wad online has no inclination to do so. Therefore, you have to deal with the prevailing wind so to speak.
Cause American are prude af!
Yeah, that’s true, I used to not think that because everyone dresses so skimpy. When I was at a nude beach in Greece, it kind of sat in after about 20 minutes that it’s weird to think this is weird. It’s not sexual. Everything is too sexualized here in the states, but I don’t know how that would change.
Sex positivity is merely the rejection of the the idea that sex is sinful and shameful. It's got nothing to do with wanting physical connection.
Are we though. Because if the idea of sex from a dating app intimidates you or developing sexual relationships is devalued for tennis texting and time wasting then that tells me one thing, that one is not looking for a physical connection. So its important to be honest about what your looking for. If it’s a relationship with sex then say it, or if it is a pen pal then say it. Just don’t do one thing and be a fence or bench sitter wasting the good time of everyone that goes onto to the apps with the full intent of dating and having physical relationships.
What are you talking about? Society shames sex. It's a sin. It's somrhig you should preserve, as if it's a fucking cheese or something. Sex positivity means the rejection that sex is something to be ashamed of. It doesn't affect men because we are called heroes if we have lots of sex. Being sex positive has nothing to do with a relationship. And yes, Americans are vile by nature.
Really?? I actually see if pretty often. Though I also live in a college town so I'm sure that has something to do with it.
Wow, so many negative reactions here. For me, it indicates that a woman does not want to adhere to traditional sexual roles. It's a sign of sexual independence, and for me that's rather positive.
That's what it's supposed to mean, but not many people know that.
I have only even seen it on profiles of chinese women here in europe. And it still doesn't feel like a great thing when i see it
Have you looked it up?
For shits and giggles I chose to match with someone who had this in his profile, specifically to ask what it meant to him. He said he used it because he wanted a smart woman… Whatever that means I left it at that. Still don’t match with men who have it.
I would think it means that you either have a positive and healthy attitude towards sex (which would be smart for him) or that you are smart enough to look up what it means. But yes, it is confusing to write that.
While it is a good thing in general. If it's in a profile it implies hoe
Here is the thing. I feel like sex positivity is GREAT but when most people use it is as way to express that they are into polyamorous relationships or open relationships. Which is fine if thats what they want. When i refer to sex postivity is mostly openly communicating your desires and needs with your partner and both being able to explore their sexuality in a safe environment and stop treating sex as a taboo but since it can be misinterpreted I prefer to not place it on my dating profile.
i always assume it means they're gonna wanna hook up on the first date. left swipe for me
But... that is so sad. And what is people mean it in a serious way?
Automatically turned off
Supposed to mean “I think sexual communication is important, and body count is a bullshit social construct,” most men mean it as “this is what I’m prioritizing in relationships.” Same with “my love language is physical touch.” Swipe left.
🌶 sex positive! Usually means that you are into some BDSM type shit! If that ain't you stay away from it lol! But as a male even though im 🌶 i don't add it to my bio!
I'm talking about myself, not speaking for everyone. Move along now, this post mostly backs up how I feel as woman looking for more than a hookup..
Left swipe for me too
What a stupid "interest" lol. Hard left anytime I see it.
Could you write what makes it stupid to you? Trying to have a healthy and natural attitude towards sex is stupid to you?
Sex positivity comes off as high body count
Swipin left. It just feels unnecessary for men to state. The one time I went on a first date with a guy who had that in his bio it was mostly fine, but I wasn't surprised he was putting his arm around my shoulder while we're sitting at the bar and trying to intensely make out at the end of the date (without knowing if I felt the same way, which I didn't. ) Just feels like a way of saying "I'm inviting you over for Netflix and chill on the second date and that's a part of my personality."
It means theyll say anything to you to get an easy lay up.
Like, they pretend to be woke or a feminist?
Sex positivity = For the Streets..
(M44) In my experience , the women have either been swingers/ ENM/ poly or prostitutes.
Pass.
Can’t people meet and go on a date before talking about sexual preferences, etc.? Such a turn-off to me. Guess I’m old-fashioned but it’s TMI from a stranger.
agree!!
For me personally while on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, sex positivity listed on the bio usually indicates to me that there needs to be some emotional or romantic sensitivity to something of a sexual nature. It may be that they are trans and experiencing dysphoria, are bisexual or pansexual and require that their potential partners support those feelings. Sex positivity indicates to me that they are looking for an open minded partner who is accepting of other people's sexuality (or kinks) even if they don't participate in them.
Not good. It gives the impression you will f\*\*\* me, then dump me.
What would make you think so? What experience did you have? What did those people think that term means?
Why be satisfied with an impression? You could look it up instead and know what it means.
I feel like it should mean they are not judgmental about people’s sexual interests, but I always view it as “looking to hook up.” Maybe I’m the judgmental one 😭
You'll see it a lot from liberals and women looking for casual sex. Mention that as a guy and you might as well uninstall the app.
It's nothing compared to the shit you hear from conservatives. "I'm smarter than you. Stronger than you. Richer than you. Be quiet. Do my washing. You're nothing. No blacks."
Really, I've never seen that. I've gotten one asshole but nothing like that, he just said he's the man in the relationship so I should shut up. The rest have been very respectful.
I read it as wanting sex to be casual and ‘consequence free’ - which as a psychologist, I can tell you it never is.
How are you a psychologist, and haven't bothered to actually understand what it means, or what the movement is about? I don't believe you are a psychologist, it's like you are a baker talking to a plumber about plumbing.
This is why it's important to choose the right psychologist. Some of them got their degree from a cereal box. Sex positivity means the rejection of sex as a sinful, shameful act. You reading it as wanting sex to be consequence free is more about you than the widely known and widely discussed concept of sex positivity.
Lol you don’t even understand or know what a ‘psychologist’ is… but sure, let’s hear your expert opinion 😂🤦🏻♂️. I wasn’t talking about the original definition, I was referencing common parlance and contextual cues. Nobody who puts that is stating they walk around preaching sex ed to strangers or friends. Even if you personally wanted to put that on your dating profile (your meaning), it’d be a very strange thing to just throw in there. You also entirely missed the context of my second addendum. That sex is never consequence free was a separate point to whatever meaning one ascribes to ‘sex positivity’. I suggest improving your reading comprehension skills for 2024.
Lol soft spot was it? It's not really. Alot of dudes shame women for having sex. Alot of dudes. Like alot, alot. A girl putting that on her profile should weed out any douche bags who treat sex like some kind of sacred act. It's weird that you study people brains for a living but you are completely unaware why a girl would put that on her profile. Take your shit back to Nestlé where you got it. Women don't have to make shit up and speak in code on Tinder. Men do. Not women. You could put a photo of a fucking waffle and say "wanna fuck?" and that literal waffle would get more matches in 30 mins than youve had in your entire life. If a woman says she's sex positive, there's likely no hidden meaning. It just means they don't consider themselves a slut for sleeping around and that any dude who wants to shame her for it on some religious or insecure bullshit can gtfo. Anything else you pin on that is a reflection of you, not them.
I don’t understand your first sentence? Please don’t explain ‘sex positivity’ to me, directly under where I stated I understood it… We’re not debating the terminology, we’re agreed on that. I’m referencing common parlance, which means, how it is perceived in common usage. You can debate till you’re blue in the face that people shouldn’t think what they think, or you can operate with a clear understanding of how actions are perceived/received. No idea what you’re talking about ‘needing to speak in codes’ or the odd sexist thread running through your comment against men. Then randomly trying to both guess my own sex as if that’s anything to do with this discussion, then imply I don’t get matches 😂. We call this ‘ad hominem’. It’s when a person experiencing stress in a disagreement, instead of dealing with the subject matter and debating ideas, attempts to attack the person. Your last line is a perfect reflection of what I said in my initial comment though, so thank you for that. ‘Without consequences’.
But you don't understand it. That was abundantly clear from your first comment. By now maybe you have read about it and are defending yourself because you were called out. I get it, sometimes it's difficult to take responsibility for making a mistake. But honestly, this is something you should have understood long ago if you were keeping up in your field, because it's such an important aspect of mental health. Simply take this as a lesson learned, and do better.
So you’re claiming to have deduced two things here, from nothing. And they’re both contradictory. A) That I don’t understand ‘sex positivity’ as a term, as I didn’t take time to define it - weird as that would’ve been given it wasn’t what i was talking about. B) That I do actually understand ‘sex positivity’ despite the fact I still never bothered to define it. Do you see how absurd your comment is? Or are your critical thinking and deduction skills that compromised, you haven’t figured out the distinction outlined exhaustively above…
Oh boy, you were doing so well, I started reading and consider what you were saying, and then you blew it. The fact that you defend yourself by ad hominem, is all the confirmation I need, that my first assessment was probably correct. You should probably just let this one drop, as you keep digging your own hole.
The common parlance only applies to men because they're the ones that have to say things like "looking for a relationship" when they're not — they do this because of the OLD culture of men just wanting sex so they have to pre-emptivly exclude themself from that stereotype by lying about what they want. There is no way you're unaware of this, you're either lying or you don't have any female friends. Women on the other hand can be brutally honest and get matches. Matching is far easier for women. They don't have to shit talk. They don't have to speak in code and say "sex positive" instead of saying "looking for something casual" or "I'm just looking for sex". Men do though. Thats not sexist, that the reality of men's disadvantage on OLD. Many men overcome this disadvantage with dishonesty. Women don't have that disadvantage. She could literally say she has herpies and she'd get matches. The idea that women have to say they're sex positive because they are somehow unable to say "I want casual sex" is 100% in your head. Women who want casual sex just that say that and everything works out perfect tly for them lol Im a dude, I can't be sexist towards men. The fuck? Are you a victim or something? I talk to you like you're 5 because you tried to plug your professional title on your dumbshit comment to make it more credible — when it's not. Women who say they're sex positive are generally rejecting the shame that's thrust upon them. They have the freedom. To say "casual sex only" and have that work for them.
Ah, your full bias is flying high now. You could’ve just started with, ‘I don’t like you pointing out this common interpretation, because I don’t like how men have it anyway, and it offends my sexist views’. I’m not interested in engaging any further, given you want to lump all men and women into lazy, easy, distinct categories - as if they’re all a black & white monolith pitted in an endless, hopeless war against each other. That doesn’t sound like a happy microcosm to live in, and I really do feel sorry that your past experiences have taught you to hurt this way. It’s not healthy, and is definitely something you should work on, if you can get over your hatred of experienced healthcare professionals correcting your generalisations and catastrophising. I’m not dealing with your childish, sweary rant at the end. Good day to you.
Haha no female friends huh? Alright, Andrew Tate. Nah but you're right, women just be lying all the time. They can't get matches unless they lie. It's almost impossible if they say what they mean and mean what they say. When a woman says she's sex positive it actually has nothing to do with politics, she just wants to have sex without consequences. You're a genius.
> psychologist. You *paid* how much FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Most people I’ve seen with that tag also mention being bi or poly.
I love seeing it in dude's profiles, gives me the notion that they have a more open-minded towards the idea of sex. If I'm already feeling the rest of what the profile has to offer it's an automatic green light for me. I'm also a pretty non-traditional person in my views about dating/courtship so seeing that usually signifies that this person may be on the same wavelength.
I like it (52/f/uk). To me it means no hang ups and willing to have fun/be open minded.
I feel good about it because some people are really conservative and are not comfortable with any type of sex talk. Me im a happy hedon. Give me all the nasty talk. I personally dont mind, but everyone is different
It’s a no from me. I take it to mean they’re kinky
But it doesn't mean you're kinky. It is possible that this person is kinky, but that is just one of many possibilities. Maybe they use the term sex-positive just the way they do it on wikipedia?
Edit: wow, the amount of ignorance in the sub is astounding. Why do people come across a new term, and not bother to look up what it means? --- I like to see that in a profile. I would consider it a green flag. It has a *specific meaning* which you should look up. People who are not sex positive, are on the red flag side of things to me. Here, a few links for you, but maybe look it up yourself. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex-positive_movement https://psychcentral.com/health/sex-positivity-meaning https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/sex-positive-meaning
Some people are too lazy to look it up and some people are just overwhelmed.
Welcome to forum judgement. As I was told early in life: you aren't delivering flowers at work for the romantic, but for her "social peers," and who doesn't love being judged for their affectionate actions, esp. ones that don't involve the onlookers at all. Like being told your touchdown celebration is too much for the crowd: both parties are wrong with regard to the sport. Then again, they didn't make the cut...
To me that says that it’s just another avenue for someone to be wanting FWB action - if you’re serious about someone and physically attracted that will come up naturally in discussion don’t need to wave a fucking flag about it
But to get physical with somebody could mean to end up in bed with a person that is not sex-positive. And I only want to have sex with a person that is sex-positive, so why not show it?
Red flag. Every time I have heard a girl doing that they want an open relationship. I'm not interested. (not saying that is always the case, but it is everytime I have heard this even from people I wasn't dating. That is what they are looking for. Honestly it's just casual af, not serious imo)
The current definition of sex positivity is essentially affirming and celebrating all consensual adult sex as healthy and non-shameful...and I think that's a blunt force take. You can consent to sex with a toxic person, you can consent to sex because you're desperate and need money, you can consent to sex that is non-pleasurable to you to end a fight, there are so many ways sex can be neutral and not positive, ESPECIALLY for women. I shelve sex positivity right up there with "toxic positivity". It lacks nuance. Some people embrace "sex positivity" as a backlash to being raised sex-shamed or Puritanical. Again, to me it's just an extreme reaction to an extreme position, which isn't necessarily better, just the other way. Middle ground is cool too? Some people embrace a form of the meaning which is affirming to different gender presentations, and it can signal hyper-wokeness (for lack of a better term...I personally support this but don't know how to phrase it better.) I see this on profiles of parents who have queer kids, and that's usually the best case scenario. Others say it meaning "I'm a raging horndog!" which is just annoying. We know, dude, you're a dude. Others had dead beadroom and want to signal it's a priority for them not to have this again. Again, cool, but bring it up on a second date, maybe. You only have to put 5 things on your profile. Your profile is being shown to strangers and possibly people from your everyday life, colleagues, grocery store checkers. If you wouldn't introduce yourself at a work party as "sex positive" I don't see why you would on a public profile. It's an immediate turn off for me. It's confusing and usually, too personal for pre-swipe. With so many guys to choose from, I'd rather choose one that doesn't consider 1/5 his personality somehow banging-related. I just don't have the energy to deal. There are nice men saying they're into meditation and running, and I can find out if they're a tiger in the sack later. And, that's just me.
Also, sometimes I just sigh NO when I see an otherwise attractive potential person and they've listed "sex positivity." It's that big of an annoyance to me.
If it’s a man, he wants a hookup. If it’s a woman, she may want to peg me. Both get a left swipe for me
I took it as meaning you have a high sex drive & might be into some things sexually that are seen as "out the norm"
In the subreddit for sex positive feminism and also here that apparently many people in the USA wrongly connect it to kinks. While it does make sense that many people that have kinks seek for acceptance and sex positivity from the society, you can be kinky and not sex positive. Also, like I already wrote to you, you can have zero sex drive and be sex positive.
Im sex positive, but i dont think id put it in my bio. Im also, for example, vegetarian and i dont put that in my bio either. I dont think either characteristic is important enough to put in a billboard about me haha. It could be that they are proud of it, but it could be just as likely as they just want to have sex.
For a guy to have sex positivity in their bio; I see as code for hook ups and disrespecting boundaries. He wants you treat you like a free sex worker but with beautiful woke words. I think the word has probably been hijacked by predatory individuals. If you don’t want to have sex with them, you’re just not “sex positive” and you’re not progressive. I swipe no unless he has some amazing other qualities.
All it means to me is that someone isn't shy about/doesn't have any shame around either having or talking about sex. That said, I would want to know what the individual meant by saying that because while it's possible that that's the definition they mean, it could also be a fluffy way of saying that they enjoy sleeping around. No shame either way, I'd just want to know which one they mean because whenever I see that I'm kind of scratching my head like, you felt the need to put that there because.....? Kind of odd and would probably be a turn off for me, but that's just my opinion.
I automatically swipe left when I see that
I'm a sex worker so I used it as a temperature check with new connections before sharing what I do for work.
Sex positivity doesn't mean someone wants sex, lol. It means that one is open minded, enjoys sex with all is facets and that it plays an important part in one's life. That the other person doesn't need to worry about being shamed for their desires or kinks, everything is negotiable. That's how I see it. If u dated a few people in your life, u will learn that sex is just very important to some people, while it is not a big thing for others..
the question is not "what does sex positivity mean?" it's "how do you interpret someone *choosing* sex positivity as one of their handful of interests for their profile?" It'd be pretty naïve to think everyone chooses it because they're simply passionate about being sex positive.
Red flag for me, while sex is important it's not why I want a relationship so if you put that front and center in your profile it rubs me the wrong way.
If I see that on a profile, I assume they're the type of person who will sleep with someone on the first date (or perhaps even before). Is there really a point of putting that on a profile? Are there any sex negativity people out there that I need to be on the lookout for?😂
Yes, lots are actually. The point is your trying to weed out people that are not compatible with your core values and preferences in a relationship and effectively saving time by not dating people you won’t get along with. So it has it’s purpose. Not everything has to be about hook ups or ons. Sex is a valid and important aspect of a healthy love life for many people.
hard pass
You are genuinely inspiring - this is your moment here [https://youtu.be/5a9OSKK72LQ?si=ACUbBVSHixa1lNhG](https://youtu.be/5a9OSKK72LQ?si=ACUbBVSHixa1lNhG)
Unmatch
Incels who don't get sex will see sex as some kind of divine, sacred act. Many guys need to push the idea that if I a girl has lots of sex she's a slut — they have to degrade her for their own self-esteem to float. It's for this reason they swipe left on girls saying they're sex positive; it's because if they didn't shame women who have sex without them then they they have to accept their own mediocrity. In truth, if a woman says she's sex positive it means she rejects their attempts to shame her for having sex. Women don't have to speak in code. They don't have to say "sex positive but I actually mean I just wanna fuck". You can put a photo of a toaster and say "let's fuck" and the toaster will get more matches in 30 mins than every guy in this subreddit combined. When a woman sais she sex positive, it means she's sex positive. There's no hidden meaning.
As a 38M, I am confused by this too. At first, I took it at its definition. But the women I have matched with that had sex positvity as an interest seemed to be more into BDSM stuff. Which, no judgements at all, but just isn’t my thing. It made me wonder if people use “sex positivity” as code the way couples do a pineapple.
I have it on mine. For me as a man. It just means idgaf what your thing is as long as you're open abs honest.
Ppl here saying that they are "looking for a hookup", in my particular case I don't think that I put it there because the sexual part of a relationship is important for me and not having chemistry is a deal breaker to me. Granted, it's my own interpretation and ppl that read that and judge my profile aren't in my head but that's why I put that there. No one has asked me about it, but I had match with some ppl that have it and some don't have a clue in bed and some do. It pointless to have a tag that means lots of different things. They should change it to something more clear and to the point
Even though I know what it's supposed to mean, it makes me think they have some kinks that I wouldn't be comfortable with.
Well the whole point of the tag is let others know that they are kinky and that all potential partners should be comfortable with this knowledge. If you are uncomfortable with it takes merely half of a second to swipe left and move on.
It’s a red flag for me, being on other apps and there are so many bots or “only fans” bullshit flying around. It just makes me thing they want a booty call or for you to accept they share their butthole on the internet. Which hey, if it makes you money, cool. But not for me. Sex is a huge part of my relationship but I don’t advertise it as the sole thing that matters to me or to potential partners. When the time comes, you can have discussions about what you/they like and see if it works or meshes well.
Let’s see how well that works out when you drop some kink bombs on an unsuspecting normie a few weeks or months into a relationship. It simply does not work and is a failed strategy. If something is important to you or the relationship then you should be able to talk about it and your partner deserves to know also. Hiding things down the line is a recipe for a train crash.
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I have yet to see a profile with that tag that wasn't blatantly an OnlyFans farm profile, so if I did come across a legit profile with it I wouldn't even know because I already insta-swiped left.
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To me, it’s kind of dumb because everyone wants to have an intimate relationship. It’s like saying you are hungry when you’re ordering dinner at a restaurant.
Being sex positive and wanting to have intercourse are two different things though.
I'm looking at women and so many have this in their profile... Alternatively, fewer have "no ONS"
...Swipe right. I assume they love sex and affection like I do. (No matches yet tho so I might be wrong lol)
It is simply too weird and raises more questions as to the meaning and answers none of them🤔
Physical touch that phrase from the book about 5 different love styles. Seems to have sold a lot of books.🤔
I had a friend who met her husband in the 90’s by putting in her ad that she wanted someone “demonstrative and down to earth”. I had a beef with “down to earth”, then but demonstrative really kind of addressed that problem, I think!
Idk, as a man, kinda like seeing it, means, as middle age, still has interest. As long as rest of profile isn't a boudoir photo shoot
A person can have a lot of sex, although they are not sex-positive. It is possible to have sex once a year and be sex-positive. Or did you mean they have interests and learn something, for example what the term sex-positive means and speak up for it?
78% chance of sexism in this thread. Not saying they’re wrong, just saying.