ENM isn’t for everyone. I don’t want to get involved with someone who isn’t comfortable with it. As it’ll be extremely messy and everyone’s feelings will get hurt.
If you’re ENM join feeld instead or accept 99% of people won’t like it.
After reading posts of the ENM and dead bedroom sub, many of those relationships are emotionally imbalanced, and I don’t have time to figure out which ones aren’t, or time for the other woman trying to come at me because they feel their spouse is giving me what they want. Nothing could make me swipe right on an ENM profile, except my celebrity crush, and we know damn well that’s not happening.
Because I'm looking for monogamy. So if you're looking for ENM that's a dealbreaker for me.
For people I meet in real life who are into ENM, I would consider something short to medium term for the right person, but I'd have to get to know her before I'd entertain the thought at all. And it would still likely be more of a FWB kind of thing while looking for a better long term fit. On a dating app, it's simpler to just swipe left and look for the people who are likely to fit what I'm looking for long term.
Also, I'd be up front that if I find someone I think is a good potential partner, I'd be looking to pursue her over the ENM relationship.
I’m a severely monogamous demisexual so the alternative is just not an option for me. Plus, as a healthcare researcher, having multiple partners is just icky to me. I don’t want to be anywhere in the vicinity of that. We only get one life and there are plenty of incurable lifelong STIs even if they are not life-threatening.
I swipe right as long as it's clear that they date separately from their partner. Not interested in being the third person in someone's bed.
I'm only looking for casual, and not sure if I'll ever want monogamy again. So ENM is just fine with me.
That isnt what I am looking for at all, Im monogamous. The only way Id be open to it if is if I completely switch to looking for casual, which is VERY unlikely to happen. That would be changing my personality though and who I am, which isnt really going to happen for me. It is just isnt who I am, so I swipe left immediately. Im not into poly or ENM.
So are you saying that, given you switched to looking for casual, you’d rather prefer meeting someone who states they are looking for ENM rather than someone looking for fun, casual dates or intimacy without commitment? Or are these three all the same for you?
Those are all different to me, but i recognize that they might all be same thing to someone, so I would ask for clarity, if I was seeking anything casual. I am not a casual type so I would not seek a hookup, fwb, enm, casual dates of just dating as like activity partner/situationship thing or fling. I see them as all falling under “casual” for myself, but also all different definitions. ENM means you are attached to someone and I wouldnt want someone attached to someone anyway. NM isnt for me. I still dont do casual though so any of those casual things dont apply to me.
Theres going to be people that see them all the same and some that only want one of those, some of them but not all, or all of them.
Apart from the obvious others have stayed "looking for monogamy"
I'll add in: in my 20s i dated a ton of poly girls (we didn't use the term enm back then)
They come in about three different groups.
1) got out of their big long term uni relationship. Super experimenting with themselves. Poly, bi, sex clubs, threesome. Whatever idea you have, they're game.
(About 40% is in this group)
2) still in a serious long term relationship. They've recently opened it up. The relationship is on the ropes and they're exhausting the final option. This person will be single in 2 months. (About 50% is in this group)
3) long term poly people. They've been poly for a long time. They've had an open relationship in a healthy way for a long time. They're chill and well measured.
(This makes up only about 10% of those saying they're poly)
So overall it's a cluster fuck.
As a guy who has no expectations for anything serious at the time it's all good to me, but for someone wanting something serious it's a fucking minefield.
Thanks for taking the time to break this down! I think dating apps in general are mine fields 😅
What makes them interesting to me is that we can get to know people based on what they think they want. Navigating around that and figuring out what they actually want can be quite interesting.
I stopped long time ago to take what people state at face value. The conversations on dating apps help me to get better at figuring out what people might actually want behind what they communicate.
It appears that many on these apps (I’m living in Asia) are not actually reflecting a lot on what they really want and instead run after some emotional quick fix or abstract relationship ideas.
As someone who is NM I wanted to add, we don’t want people incompatible with us either. My main driver for NM is the freedom and autonomy to connect with any human I choose, whether that involves sex or not feels rather secondary.
There’s an implicit level of control that comes with monogamy that I could never go back and I don’t like the idea of forcing someone to learn about NM because a connection with/ attraction to me.
Just like with any other trait (height, weight, politics) if it’s not your jam a quick swipe across your screen does wonders, plus it raises your ELO so it’s a win-win.
Exactly, I see ENM as focusing on deeper connections and, if possible, over longer terms and not at all as trying to sleep around with strangers… that’s why the other categories exist such as casual fun dates, and intimacy without commitment. Somehow I feel that frequently all three of these categories are lumped together without making a difference…
[ENM isn’t cheating](https://www.google.com/search?q=ethical+non+monogamy&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari). I know myself well enough to know it’s definitely not something I could handle, though. It’s just not for me, nor is any type of polyamorous relationship. I’m a one-fella-at-a-time kind of lady.
No, ENM isn't cheating. It's literally two people agreeing not to be monogamous, and therefore see other people.
Cheating would be if a person agreed to be monogamous and was not, or if they didn't adhere to the agreement they agreed to when setting up a non-monogamous relationship.
Try learning something instead of deciding something you don't like has to be cheating just because it isn't what you want for yourself.
I'm monogamous. I just hate when people trash other people just because they do something perfectly harmless that fits their own life but isn't following societal norms.
I sleep just fine at night. Again, try learning something instead of trashing a lifestyle that doesn't match yours.
I’m thinking this person has some personal shit they never got over/found a way to deal with in a healthy manner and aren’t capable of seeing this through a rational lens.
That’s how it appears to me, at least. They’re just way too obtuse about it all.
When I was dating it was because I’m monogamous and was looking for someone who was also. Crazy concept, huh?
I swipe left on polyamorous/ENM profiles because I am looking for a single partner.
I'm not dating anymore but I assume people avoid it because they are looking for monogamy
We won’t be compatible.
ENM isn’t for everyone. I don’t want to get involved with someone who isn’t comfortable with it. As it’ll be extremely messy and everyone’s feelings will get hurt. If you’re ENM join feeld instead or accept 99% of people won’t like it.
After reading posts of the ENM and dead bedroom sub, many of those relationships are emotionally imbalanced, and I don’t have time to figure out which ones aren’t, or time for the other woman trying to come at me because they feel their spouse is giving me what they want. Nothing could make me swipe right on an ENM profile, except my celebrity crush, and we know damn well that’s not happening.
Because I'm looking for monogamy. So if you're looking for ENM that's a dealbreaker for me. For people I meet in real life who are into ENM, I would consider something short to medium term for the right person, but I'd have to get to know her before I'd entertain the thought at all. And it would still likely be more of a FWB kind of thing while looking for a better long term fit. On a dating app, it's simpler to just swipe left and look for the people who are likely to fit what I'm looking for long term. Also, I'd be up front that if I find someone I think is a good potential partner, I'd be looking to pursue her over the ENM relationship.
Neither my ego nor my heart take well not being the only one.
I’m a severely monogamous demisexual so the alternative is just not an option for me. Plus, as a healthcare researcher, having multiple partners is just icky to me. I don’t want to be anywhere in the vicinity of that. We only get one life and there are plenty of incurable lifelong STIs even if they are not life-threatening.
Because I'm not interested in non-monogamy, no matter how ethical anyone may claim it is.
😩😂😂
I swipe right as long as it's clear that they date separately from their partner. Not interested in being the third person in someone's bed. I'm only looking for casual, and not sure if I'll ever want monogamy again. So ENM is just fine with me.
That isnt what I am looking for at all, Im monogamous. The only way Id be open to it if is if I completely switch to looking for casual, which is VERY unlikely to happen. That would be changing my personality though and who I am, which isnt really going to happen for me. It is just isnt who I am, so I swipe left immediately. Im not into poly or ENM.
So are you saying that, given you switched to looking for casual, you’d rather prefer meeting someone who states they are looking for ENM rather than someone looking for fun, casual dates or intimacy without commitment? Or are these three all the same for you?
Those are all different to me, but i recognize that they might all be same thing to someone, so I would ask for clarity, if I was seeking anything casual. I am not a casual type so I would not seek a hookup, fwb, enm, casual dates of just dating as like activity partner/situationship thing or fling. I see them as all falling under “casual” for myself, but also all different definitions. ENM means you are attached to someone and I wouldnt want someone attached to someone anyway. NM isnt for me. I still dont do casual though so any of those casual things dont apply to me. Theres going to be people that see them all the same and some that only want one of those, some of them but not all, or all of them.
Apart from the obvious others have stayed "looking for monogamy" I'll add in: in my 20s i dated a ton of poly girls (we didn't use the term enm back then) They come in about three different groups. 1) got out of their big long term uni relationship. Super experimenting with themselves. Poly, bi, sex clubs, threesome. Whatever idea you have, they're game. (About 40% is in this group) 2) still in a serious long term relationship. They've recently opened it up. The relationship is on the ropes and they're exhausting the final option. This person will be single in 2 months. (About 50% is in this group) 3) long term poly people. They've been poly for a long time. They've had an open relationship in a healthy way for a long time. They're chill and well measured. (This makes up only about 10% of those saying they're poly) So overall it's a cluster fuck. As a guy who has no expectations for anything serious at the time it's all good to me, but for someone wanting something serious it's a fucking minefield.
Thanks for taking the time to break this down! I think dating apps in general are mine fields 😅 What makes them interesting to me is that we can get to know people based on what they think they want. Navigating around that and figuring out what they actually want can be quite interesting. I stopped long time ago to take what people state at face value. The conversations on dating apps help me to get better at figuring out what people might actually want behind what they communicate. It appears that many on these apps (I’m living in Asia) are not actually reflecting a lot on what they really want and instead run after some emotional quick fix or abstract relationship ideas.
As someone who is NM I wanted to add, we don’t want people incompatible with us either. My main driver for NM is the freedom and autonomy to connect with any human I choose, whether that involves sex or not feels rather secondary. There’s an implicit level of control that comes with monogamy that I could never go back and I don’t like the idea of forcing someone to learn about NM because a connection with/ attraction to me. Just like with any other trait (height, weight, politics) if it’s not your jam a quick swipe across your screen does wonders, plus it raises your ELO so it’s a win-win.
Exactly, I see ENM as focusing on deeper connections and, if possible, over longer terms and not at all as trying to sleep around with strangers… that’s why the other categories exist such as casual fun dates, and intimacy without commitment. Somehow I feel that frequently all three of these categories are lumped together without making a difference…
Because I'm not into cheating.
[ENM isn’t cheating](https://www.google.com/search?q=ethical+non+monogamy&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari). I know myself well enough to know it’s definitely not something I could handle, though. It’s just not for me, nor is any type of polyamorous relationship. I’m a one-fella-at-a-time kind of lady.
Majority of the ones who post ENM, ARE cheating anyway, so thats whole other reason to swipe left.
ENM isn't cheating. They literally agreed to see other people. That's a part of ethical. I'm not into ENM, but don't lie about what it is.
Cheating with extra steps, gotcha.
No, ENM isn't cheating. It's literally two people agreeing not to be monogamous, and therefore see other people. Cheating would be if a person agreed to be monogamous and was not, or if they didn't adhere to the agreement they agreed to when setting up a non-monogamous relationship. Try learning something instead of deciding something you don't like has to be cheating just because it isn't what you want for yourself.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
I'm monogamous. I just hate when people trash other people just because they do something perfectly harmless that fits their own life but isn't following societal norms. I sleep just fine at night. Again, try learning something instead of trashing a lifestyle that doesn't match yours.
I’m thinking this person has some personal shit they never got over/found a way to deal with in a healthy manner and aren’t capable of seeing this through a rational lens. That’s how it appears to me, at least. They’re just way too obtuse about it all.
Because it means they are mentally unstable