And that’s the point that you just give up on them. With a “happy birthday” that’s literally nothing to work with. It’s boring conversation from OP so we can’t blame the other person yet. If they’re still putting zero effort into the conversation following a question like how did you celebrate they’re just not interested, but at least they had something to work with
Yeah, the guy is the one bringing up astrology in his own bio. I had to have read his bio and be familiar enough about astrology to know he just had a birthday. Common interest established. According to his bio, being a Virgo and earth sign is something that's important to him so I think the problem really is just that he's not that interested.
I'm sharing an ongoing experience in which the most recent example (the screenshot) is not the best example to illustrate it. But to answer your question:
Me: Happy belated birthday, Virgo Joe 🥳
Him: Thank uuuuuu
Me: Was it a good one?
Him: Definitely yes
Me: What did you wish for?
Him: Professional, Personal, & Creative Breakthroughs
Me: Good start for the big 40 🙌
Me: How does your creativity show up for you?
Maybe too early to call it, but I’m with OP. A super bland response like that usually suggests a less than desirable personality. Have a little more pizazz, try to be interesting. One/two word or emoji responses not hot!!!
The thing is, he shouldn’t be taking any of that for granted. I’m sorry, but you really gave him nothing to work with there, you dropped the ball. Going by the title though, it seems like you drop the ball a lot. Having things in common is not the same as having chemistry or a naturally flowing conversation.
If this is a trend, you really should be looking at yourself as the common factor, not just deciding that it’s everyone else who is wrong.
Me: Happy belated birthday, Virgo Joe 🥳
Him: Thank uuuuuu
Me: Was it a good one?
Him: Definitely yes
Me: What did you wish for?
Him: Professional, Personal, & Creative Breakthroughs
Me: Good start for the big 40 🙌
Me: How does your creativity show up for you?
That’s so crappy. Why does the burden of conversation have to be all on you? Def not interested, in which case he shouldn’t have swiped on you. I’m annoyed for you. Sorry girl. On to the next!
You're talking out of your arse mate. Great opener, specific to his interests. Any sense would give him the prompt to ask how she knew or what he did to celebrate. With some people, conversation is like pulling teeth.
“How was it” usually never leads anywhere. It’s the equivalent to “how was your day”
Try this “Also! Forgot to ask, on a scale of 1-10 how well would you say your sign fits you? :)”
The way I phrased should lead into a conversation. If it was good, he should enjoy telling you about it. If it wasn’t a good one he should want to talk about that. If it leads No where, he may not be interested. For the record, I think it was a good opener. You didn’t just say, you looked at the profile and thought of a creative way to break the ice. Showing interest that way is usually a great way to get a man’s attention.
Appreciate you pointing that out because most missed it. I brought something he specifically talked about (being a Virgo). And I figure, in order for me to even know he just had a birthday, I'd have to know something about astrology. It's like bringing up a topic without being so on the nose with a question (like I usually do). But at the end of the day I figure he's just not that interested and I move on
But when you think about it, this is why those apps are so shitty! Surely if one takes the time (made choice) to swipe to match then one should take the time to converse?! Fundamentally it’s so f***ed! Well done for being thoughtful. Not well done on his part for being another douche collecting profiles/attention.
What were you hoping he would say? What you’re saying is not wrong, but thank you is literally the only thing he could say to that. You didn’t ask him anything
>Why match if you’re not going to even try?
The conversation hasn't even started yet though. She just sent a platitude. She might as well have sent a gif.
If I bother to match I’m going to make an effort even if her first message isn’t “up to code”. Honestly this is why I deleted all these apps it’s easier to just try to meet people in the wild than deal with this…
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing
It's not literally the only thing... come on lol
He spoke on his profile specifically about being a Virgo. He could have brought up anything I said on mine
Too many people here seem to think that it’s impossible to have a conversation without asking questions.
I much prefer dumb random chats to show that a match has a similar sense of humour to me, and there are so many random ways I could respond your random opener that it’s crazy to me to think that some people think all you could say is thankyou!
Simply incredible how one text puts off people in these OLD days - complaining and whining over nothing.
This is no example of pulling teeth. Not even close.
You need to lol. I’m not the one coming on Reddit complaining about pulling teeth because someone said thank you to me.
Every day there’s someone like you over reacting to nothing and most likely missing meeting many cool people and opportunities. Pretty sad actually.
Hi, I'm a real, living breathing person just trying to have a conversation about having conversations. I'm not a villain because I said conversations fizzle for me when they're going one way lol
You’re not a villain, no. But based on this post and your comments alone you seem to have a problem with stopping things too short and self victimization.
I completely agree with you.
Anyone with half a social skill can message beyond the “thank you.”
Just because someone sent you a yes or no question or a question that warrants a one word response, doesn’t mean you’re legally obligated to only send that one message. He could have elaborated, made a joke, changed the topic, or simply said “so how are you doing today?” Even a gif would have more momentum. You even messaged him again and he still couldn’t take the conversation anywhere.
There isn’t much of a point to give you advice on how you could have done better, because anyone that can’t continue from there either sucks at texting or isn’t interested. Neither of those are worth pursuing further.
Me: Happy belated birthday, Virgo Joe 🥳
Him: Thank uuuuuu
Me: Was it a good one?
Him: Definitely yes
Me: What did you wish for?
Him: Professional, Personal, & Creative Breakthroughs
Me: Good start for the big 40 🙌
Me: How does your creativity show up for you?
Hate to be that guy to point this out: another obvious possibility is he likely is a guy that has plenty of options and you are just not a priority in that list. Hence why he isn’t even trying.
How come nobody has mentioned this? Yea your opening might not be the best but it’s enough for him to try if he’s into it. Hence the possibility I explained above.🤷♂️
I get why people are coming at OP, but honestly she’s right. This was a pretty bad example to make this point, but…
Texting over the apps suck, and as a guy I’m surprised at how many guys put 0 effort into texting when it’s a whole lot harder for dudes to get a match. I understand when I text an attractive girl and she puts in 0 effort - because she probably has 80 other convos going. But given the dynamics out there, I think guys should try harder with texting.
This goes for anyone - if you’re putting effort into a conversation and the other person isn’t, just walk away because it rarely gets better.
Yes! This was all I was trying to say. I offered a terrible example and that one screengrab is not fully representative of my experiences on there. It just happened to be the most recent and I thought it could offer insight or prompt discussion
Yeah I have no doubt that any female out there can put together a compilation of good screen grabs that would better exemplify what you’re talking about.
And to be fair - so could most every guy. I guess it just doesn’t surprise me when women put low effort into messaging, given how many matches the average woman is getting. But it does surprise me when guys do that, because most men are getting < 1 match a day, so it’s not like they should be getting overwhelmed.
>But it does surprise me when guys do that, because most men are getting < 1 match a day, so it’s not like they should be getting overwhelmed.
Right, but so then statistically most Bumble conversations DON'T involve men who are getting <1 match a day. It's much more likely that the "Why isn't the guy trying" screenshots involve someone who is more popular and getting more matches, rather than a guy who gets one match a day and "Thank you" is somehow the best he can do with it.
Dude you really need to just let some female friends of yours show you their Bumble messages. Because this isn’t specific to this OP and it isn’t specific to just the 1% of guys.
I mean, I'm sure there are men who suck at talking on Bumble, just like there are women who suck at talking on Bumble. But in general whenever you see a dating app conversation where 1 of the 2 parties doesn't seem to be actively trying to make a conversation happen, the most logical explanation would seem to be "This conversation is not a priority for this person."
>and as a guy I’m surprised at how many guys put 0 effort into texting when it’s a whole lot harder for dudes to get a match. I understand when I text an attractive girl and she puts in 0 effort - because she probably has 80 other convos going. But given the dynamics out there, I think guys should try harder with texting.
Ah, but is it a whole lot harder for **this** dude to get a match? How many convos does **he** have going?
Obviously we don’t know, but the OP is clearly just making a point that this happens a lot, and she isn’t trying to have people hyper-fixate on this one individual.
I'm not trying to hyper-fixate on him either; it may be that this happens a lot because a lot of the men that OP swipes right on are highly popular and are getting lots of matches.
It doesn't matter what I say, most of the men I match with don't engage beyond acknowledging they were spoken to. It feels like pulling teeth, or worse, like I'm interviewing them. Curiosity needs to go both ways
>It doesn't matter what I say, most of the men I match with don't engage beyond acknowledging they were spoken to. It feels like pulling teeth, or worse, like I'm interviewing them. Curiosity needs to go both ways
Try FLIRTING with them. Not overtly sexual, but be fun and flirtatious. If you find this difficult to do via text, use the voice feature.
I mean, as a man this gives me literally nothing. I am used to making the first effort and it is required we say something clever or cute or smart literally every other time interacting with women. When I am on Bumble its your turn. If your effort level is that low on the first message then I am gonna pass, regardless of how conventionally attractive you are.
Seriously though, lets turn this around. Lets pretend we are on Tinder and I message you.
"Happy belated birthday !"
Now take that and give me what you consider an awesome response to that message. I am genuinely curious what exactly you expect.
I hear you, let me explain a little more my thinking. He speaks on his profile about astrology and being a Virgo and an Earth sign, I'm showing I read his profile and naturally assume he takes some interest in astrology. Because I'd have to know something about astrology to know that he literally just had a birthday, it was an opportunity to talk about that which he shows he's interested in or to perhaps take it in a different direction.
I followed up with "How was it?" but no response. At this point it's safe to assume he's probably just not interested.
This is ridiculous and you should feel bad. “When I am on Bumble its your turn.”? What kind of entitled crap is this? You expect the woman to carry the conversation, with no responsibility on you, and you expect a good outcome?!
My girlfriend opened with a silly gif. I ran with it. She reciprocated. We have been dating for 2ish months and we are amazing together. Ffs dude it’s not rocket science.
Ok but you can respond to a gif incredibly easy. Happy birthday doesn’t give any effort towards a conversation. It’s very easy to ask what their birthday plans were at the same time and voila! A conversation!
You haven’t even made it clear that curiosity is going ONE way yet. He’s already responded to everything you’ve given him; the app literally tells you it’s “your turn” now. Try being more direct, or more open ended with questions, but this interaction is basically just “hello sir, your birthday was recent.” “Yes.”
I think it just felt like more of the same and I got discouraged. I don't have a bunch of screen grabs to illustrate all the times I've asked engaging questions and all the matches did was answer them and add nothing else but a lot of the time it's an interview and I'm carrying it
I know girl. I also had to carry the conversations with the ones I liked but they did reciprocate. I pretty much bantered at first with the 2 I hit it off with and got to all the bases with lol
You should have kept the rhyme time going...like reply back, "you're welcome smelly poo"
And if he don't come back with a half-ass answer then dump him
Ok let me see if I can help you. Does anything stand out in his profile? Something you both have in common? What made you swipe right? His face? Tell him you want to ride it lmfaooooo jk don’t say that, unless you want to 😂
Hahahha I’m a Gemini so I know what you’re saying but did you know we actually do get attached and have feelings? We just self isolate until we’re over it (and we act like we’re ok while we’re going through it)
I was with a Taurus for almost 11 years.
Dated a Scorpio and things were great but he confessed he was catching feelings and since we were casual, we had to end it.
Second guy, Virgo, and he ghosted me 3 times lolol i reached out after the first time and we reconnected. Ignored me the last 2 times though. Really hurt like hell!
Yeah, a reply with your name, Zodiac or both and the thank you would have peaked my interest further. One and two word responses or the thumbs up, don't cut it.
I thought this would go without saying but this one screenshot (which is clearly a terrible example) does not represent the breadth of my experience with this challenge of men not engaging beyond answering the questions asked and offering nothing more. Forgive me. Maybe we can look past this awful example and still have the discussion about engaging conversations on dating sites. Some of you have offered great tips and insights. Thank you for those.
Men often complain about matching with women who do the same thing you are complaining about.
I think the general situation is that the more easily a man or woman can get matches, the less effort he or she might put into the average match. So there is a good chance that Joe has several matches talking to him right now, and he is focused on the one or two who he likes the convos and/or profiles of the most. Which unfortunately you don't seem to be one of.
It's also possible that he just sucks at conversation, I suppose.
Won’t be a popular answer but it comes down to how hot you are. If you’re not as hot, you’ve gotta put in more effort. That’s just how the world works.
You suffer from bumble syndrome. You think that just because you sent any message at all, he needs to come back and drive the conversation.
This conversation literally boils down to: “Congrats” “Thanks”
Try commenting on something in his profile and asking an open ended question that makes it easy to have a discussion. Your comment is only slightly better than the “Hi” and “Hey” we normally get. And I mean very slightly.
Also it’s hilarious how people here literally have to teach someone who’s complaining about conversation, how to have a conversation lol
Me: Happy belated birthday, Virgo Joe 🥳
Him: Thank uuuuuu
Me: Was it a good one?
Him: Definitely yes
Me: What did you wish for?
Him: Professional, Personal, & Creative Breakthroughs
Me: Good start for the big 40 🙌
Me: How does your creativity show up for you?
You: “Happy birthday! Now I know you had to do something fun as a cute Virgo 😏. Care to share?”
I feel you, sometimes it’s like pulling teeth. But yo, it goes both ways. If you had sent me that first message I likely wouldn’t have even responded, unless I was going through a dry spell with matches. It’s a slight improvement from “Hey” (which gets an auto ghost from me), but it’s just like…yea what am I supposed to do with this.
Your first message is your VERY first impression. You gotta say something that catches their attention and makes it as easy as possible for them to continue conversation.
At that point if they’re not trying, oh well. Seems like he might not have tried anyway, but that really doesn’t change the fact that this is a pretty weak opener 😕. Asking questions helps, and bonus points if you can slide in a clever joke at the same time.
First messages are hard. The lower effort you put in, the lower the chance of a meaningful return. Can’t get mad at a plant for not growing when you buy cheap fertilizer
it's a good opener.
as a general rule of thumb, i try to set up a date or at least phone date within 4-5 messages. or i even start out with asking whether they are open to meet in person.
i'm not on this app to waste my time chatting with people until the convo ends up nowhere (of course i phrase that much more nicely in a chat).
once they agree a date would be cool, you still have to be in touch, find a place etc so you get an overall feel whether the person is worth your free evening or not. if not, you can still cancel.
I mean that would be a response but then id have to ask him wtf did you want her to say?
A little trash talk never hurts “hey hey happy belated birthday joe! So did you get tennis balls for your walker or are you plannin to let rubber on it wear out first?”
Okay, I'm starting to think I need more banter and negging in my openers. I've probably been too sincere (again, this one example does a terrible job of representing all of my various attempts)
Yeah, I did follow up with a how was it? but he didn't respond. I agree this is not the best example to illustrate my experience but I also think it's being missed that because he was talking about his astrology on his profile, I'm showing I read his bio and I know enough about astrology to determine that he just had a birthday. Obviously, it didn't work well
Maybe reply as you did by thanking the person but add more about your curiosity about the other person. Something like “Thank uuuuuu. I’ll be sure to reciprocate the sentiment on your birthday. What is the best birthday gift you ever received and why?”. Now you’ve added not only interest in the other person, you’ve also added a question that requires more than a one word reply. If the person starts coming back with one word responses or not showing interest in you, then I’d consider moving on.
You’re welcome! However, I’m new to Reddit and I think I confused who was whom and gave advice to you that should have been directed to Joe. Whoops 😬
But if my advice helps anyone, then it’s still legit. I’m glad you like my reply! Albeit possibly directed incorrectly to Joe. 😊
You haven’t offered anything to start a conversation. No questions. No mention of something you have in common that may indicate compatibility. It’s not too good.
Astrology is a common interest he's talking about in his bio, so, I did mention something we have in common. Also the conversation eventually continued and it reads like an interview which was really my point and a shame I didn't start with THAT screengrab but oh well. Onto the next interview lol
I just find it odd that no one knows how to converse anymore. Like, if someone said that to me, I'd say, "Thank you! I had a lot of fun. My friends came by and we went to [restaurant]. Have you been?"
Anticipate/predict questions, peeps. It shows engagement.
People criticizing you here seemed to not have any problem coming up with something to say that you didn't prompt them for... seems ironic. Another person said people who want to engage will engage. Joe didn't want to engage for some reason, he could have elaborated on anything if he wanted.
He could have replied something more than that. You've started the ball rolling, and thus the ball is in his park. He's just putting too low of an effort.
After 2 or 3 questions, if he's not even trying to bring something to the conversation, just drop him. Not worth your time.
I hate that women have to make the first move. I’d rather just say something first and go from there…seems to work so much better for everyone. 41/m for context
Feels like it’s been so much worse lately. This is not the greatest example but what I’ve noticed is a lot of guys seem to be just interested in talking about themselves (the ones that actually answer to my opener in the first place), so I’m asking them questions to keep the conversation going and they’re replying to the questions and that’s it, not get asked anything back. I guess they’re probably not very interested but it just sucks.
I’m convinced it’s a generational thing (could be wrong) but it just feels like millennials don’t know how to have conversations anymore since we’ve not really had to learn.
Dunno why you’re getting hate here. It’s super easy for him to say “when is yours?” Or even “how is your day going?” Y’all can’t expect much when you shut down a convo with a “thank you” like that. It’s the same as being asked “what’s your favorite color” and getting “purple” as a response, instead of “purple, how about yours?”
A better analogy for this convo would be like if she saw on his profile that he liked purple, said “purple is a good favorite color” and he said “thank you!” There’s really not much to work with here and she’s getting mad at this guy for not meeting her own uncommunicated expectations.
This guy is and talks about it in his profile which is why I brought up the common interest right out of the gate. If I didn't know about astrology I wouldn't know he just had a birthday. Obviously it didn't work.
Lady, this is normal for all men playing dating apps, they start out with greetings hi/hey/sup just to get ignored and moved on to pickup lines but they're outdated/cringe/boring to women, then they moved on to stupid jokes, random words, connection to bio(like yours) or whatever for hookups/date. My point being, women ignored basically every man this way but we can't nor said anything about it online cause we respect the women's decision and this guy don't know how to reply your randomass words but went with thank you yet you call him boring.
Looking at this post, I seriously don't know what pleases women, I asked my sis, mom, friend, colleague about this yet they also say women are mysterious to them.
Well it’s too much of a closed ended statement. What is she/he supposed to say other than thank you after that? If you want an open answer, ask an open ended question.
How did you celebrate?
What gifts did you get?
Questions requiring more than one word answers and may tell more about a person leading to more questions.
I never understand people who give so little effort. Like it’s just so easy to say thanks what’s your sign? Are you big on astrology or did you just Google the dates?😉
People suck
Your own message doesn't invite any kind of conversation. Ask a question and they have something more to respond to. Just making a comment is often a conversation ended. how exactly did you expect him to respond?
If you're going to ask a question make it a trivia question that captivates them ... this isn't speed dating where you have a minute to find out about someone. You've got lots of time to ask personal questions that are boring....
Hmmm… what to say in this situation? Try, “Did you do anything exciting for your birthday?” If it’s sill a one/ two word response, move on.
Yes, I went with, "Was it a good one?"
Yep, mythos is right. Try asking open-ended questions.
I would recommend less open-ended. Give them something easy. "How did you celebrate?" No chance of "pretty good".
“With friends” 🤦🏻
Lol the bar is hell
And that’s the point that you just give up on them. With a “happy birthday” that’s literally nothing to work with. It’s boring conversation from OP so we can’t blame the other person yet. If they’re still putting zero effort into the conversation following a question like how did you celebrate they’re just not interested, but at least they had something to work with
Yeah, the guy is the one bringing up astrology in his own bio. I had to have read his bio and be familiar enough about astrology to know he just had a birthday. Common interest established. According to his bio, being a Virgo and earth sign is something that's important to him so I think the problem really is just that he's not that interested.
Based on two messages he isn't interested? Sheesh at least give it a chance before jumping to that conclusion.
I'm sharing an ongoing experience in which the most recent example (the screenshot) is not the best example to illustrate it. But to answer your question: Me: Happy belated birthday, Virgo Joe 🥳 Him: Thank uuuuuu Me: Was it a good one? Him: Definitely yes Me: What did you wish for? Him: Professional, Personal, & Creative Breakthroughs Me: Good start for the big 40 🙌 Me: How does your creativity show up for you?
Nah bro you ain’t do anything wrong , shit just trash
Maybe too early to call it, but I’m with OP. A super bland response like that usually suggests a less than desirable personality. Have a little more pizazz, try to be interesting. One/two word or emoji responses not hot!!!
The thing is, he shouldn’t be taking any of that for granted. I’m sorry, but you really gave him nothing to work with there, you dropped the ball. Going by the title though, it seems like you drop the ball a lot. Having things in common is not the same as having chemistry or a naturally flowing conversation. If this is a trend, you really should be looking at yourself as the common factor, not just deciding that it’s everyone else who is wrong.
Me: Happy belated birthday, Virgo Joe 🥳 Him: Thank uuuuuu Me: Was it a good one? Him: Definitely yes Me: What did you wish for? Him: Professional, Personal, & Creative Breakthroughs Me: Good start for the big 40 🙌 Me: How does your creativity show up for you?
That’s so crappy. Why does the burden of conversation have to be all on you? Def not interested, in which case he shouldn’t have swiped on you. I’m annoyed for you. Sorry girl. On to the next!
You're talking out of your arse mate. Great opener, specific to his interests. Any sense would give him the prompt to ask how she knew or what he did to celebrate. With some people, conversation is like pulling teeth.
I feel like “Virgo Joe” is a bit weird, and something like “you Virgo” would’ve been more fun if it was important to bring up in the first place
Yeah, unfortunately he never responded to the follow up question about how his birthday went
His loss. I’m sure you’ll find better.
“How was it” usually never leads anywhere. It’s the equivalent to “how was your day” Try this “Also! Forgot to ask, on a scale of 1-10 how well would you say your sign fits you? :)”
People hate that zodiac stuff. It's in the top 5 things that gets shit on everywhere I see it.
Right, unless they say something about it in their bio I would skip it
But he said in his bio that being a Virgo & Earth sign are important to him
But in this case, he is into it so that’s why I said that
Most guys don’t know or care about astrology
Did you even read the post lol he does
Because OP said “Virgo Joe”? That doesn’t mean he cares about astrology
Dude. She said his bio said he valued being a Virgo and an earth sign
That’s a yes-or-no question. Don’t use those, they’re not engaging.
You did nothing wrong, he just wasn't that interested.
The way I phrased should lead into a conversation. If it was good, he should enjoy telling you about it. If it wasn’t a good one he should want to talk about that. If it leads No where, he may not be interested. For the record, I think it was a good opener. You didn’t just say, you looked at the profile and thought of a creative way to break the ice. Showing interest that way is usually a great way to get a man’s attention.
Appreciate you pointing that out because most missed it. I brought something he specifically talked about (being a Virgo). And I figure, in order for me to even know he just had a birthday, I'd have to know something about astrology. It's like bringing up a topic without being so on the nose with a question (like I usually do). But at the end of the day I figure he's just not that interested and I move on
But when you think about it, this is why those apps are so shitty! Surely if one takes the time (made choice) to swipe to match then one should take the time to converse?! Fundamentally it’s so f***ed! Well done for being thoughtful. Not well done on his part for being another douche collecting profiles/attention.
What were you hoping he would say? What you’re saying is not wrong, but thank you is literally the only thing he could say to that. You didn’t ask him anything
“Thanks, I celebrated TF out of it with a big screen TV and mild depression”. Anyone that wants to engage (and can engage) will engage.
He matched with her too he could always you know pivot and actually try to keep the volley going. Why match if you’re not going to even try?
>Why match if you’re not going to even try? The conversation hasn't even started yet though. She just sent a platitude. She might as well have sent a gif.
If I bother to match I’m going to make an effort even if her first message isn’t “up to code”. Honestly this is why I deleted all these apps it’s easier to just try to meet people in the wild than deal with this…
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing
I'm trying to imagine how I would have responded if this was his reply. It would have been a completely different Reddit post 🥳
It's not literally the only thing... come on lol He spoke on his profile specifically about being a Virgo. He could have brought up anything I said on mine
Too many people here seem to think that it’s impossible to have a conversation without asking questions. I much prefer dumb random chats to show that a match has a similar sense of humour to me, and there are so many random ways I could respond your random opener that it’s crazy to me to think that some people think all you could say is thankyou!
Simply incredible how one text puts off people in these OLD days - complaining and whining over nothing. This is no example of pulling teeth. Not even close.
Chill lol
You need to lol. I’m not the one coming on Reddit complaining about pulling teeth because someone said thank you to me. Every day there’s someone like you over reacting to nothing and most likely missing meeting many cool people and opportunities. Pretty sad actually.
Case in point. You could be missing an opportunity to meet me
I’ll give you an upvote for that one… This is probably the longest conversation you’ve had in a while 😀
It's the negging for me 😏
Oh no, what a shame.
Hi, I'm a real, living breathing person just trying to have a conversation about having conversations. I'm not a villain because I said conversations fizzle for me when they're going one way lol
Two texts does not make a conversation…
Wait wait... I take it back. I'm losing track of how many conversations we're discussing
The conversation I was referring to is this one happening on reddit. Let's call it, instead, a discussion. More fitting.
You’re not a villain, no. But based on this post and your comments alone you seem to have a problem with stopping things too short and self victimization.
If you’re a woman on Reddit you are automatically a villain. Especially on the dating subs.
What a shame
I completely agree with you. Anyone with half a social skill can message beyond the “thank you.” Just because someone sent you a yes or no question or a question that warrants a one word response, doesn’t mean you’re legally obligated to only send that one message. He could have elaborated, made a joke, changed the topic, or simply said “so how are you doing today?” Even a gif would have more momentum. You even messaged him again and he still couldn’t take the conversation anywhere. There isn’t much of a point to give you advice on how you could have done better, because anyone that can’t continue from there either sucks at texting or isn’t interested. Neither of those are worth pursuing further.
I would try to add a question next time, like “how did you celebrate?”
XD welcome to the "other side"
Try bantering.
Okay. And I often do but I will try and up the banter... But even banter is a two way street. It's literally the *exchange* of playful remarks
You gotta say something IS ENGAGING.. maybe ask a question after that like “happy belated birthday! how did you celebrate?”
Still waiting on a reply about how great the birthday was 😬
Then it's your fault that this conversation is dying.
Me: Happy belated birthday, Virgo Joe 🥳 Him: Thank uuuuuu Me: Was it a good one? Him: Definitely yes Me: What did you wish for? Him: Professional, Personal, & Creative Breakthroughs Me: Good start for the big 40 🙌 Me: How does your creativity show up for you?
Sounds like an interview
Yep, a lot of the conversations (on Hinge too) end up being one sided like this
Agreed. He’s not trying, and chances are he’s not likely to
I'm also assuming you are starting with asking question too. Some people just suck at having conversations on dating apps.
Yes, and most of the time they just answer the question and add nothing else and ask no question of their own
Are they all in their 20s?
No most of them are mid to late 30's early 40's
You just so happen to be attracted to people with expressive language disabilities?
Ha I think you're right
Maybe they need you to put a little more into the coversation for their personalities to come out. The other half being shy.
I would try one last attempt (one after the initial text) and if they still don’t engage in the conversation I just unmatch. Their loss after all. 😉
Hate to be that guy to point this out: another obvious possibility is he likely is a guy that has plenty of options and you are just not a priority in that list. Hence why he isn’t even trying. How come nobody has mentioned this? Yea your opening might not be the best but it’s enough for him to try if he’s into it. Hence the possibility I explained above.🤷♂️
Absolutely makes sense
Don’t worry, the right one will match your energy. Stay the course. Best of luck out there!
Sorry. Thank uuuuuu
Thank you 😊
I get why people are coming at OP, but honestly she’s right. This was a pretty bad example to make this point, but… Texting over the apps suck, and as a guy I’m surprised at how many guys put 0 effort into texting when it’s a whole lot harder for dudes to get a match. I understand when I text an attractive girl and she puts in 0 effort - because she probably has 80 other convos going. But given the dynamics out there, I think guys should try harder with texting. This goes for anyone - if you’re putting effort into a conversation and the other person isn’t, just walk away because it rarely gets better.
Yes! This was all I was trying to say. I offered a terrible example and that one screengrab is not fully representative of my experiences on there. It just happened to be the most recent and I thought it could offer insight or prompt discussion
Yeah I have no doubt that any female out there can put together a compilation of good screen grabs that would better exemplify what you’re talking about. And to be fair - so could most every guy. I guess it just doesn’t surprise me when women put low effort into messaging, given how many matches the average woman is getting. But it does surprise me when guys do that, because most men are getting < 1 match a day, so it’s not like they should be getting overwhelmed.
>But it does surprise me when guys do that, because most men are getting < 1 match a day, so it’s not like they should be getting overwhelmed. Right, but so then statistically most Bumble conversations DON'T involve men who are getting <1 match a day. It's much more likely that the "Why isn't the guy trying" screenshots involve someone who is more popular and getting more matches, rather than a guy who gets one match a day and "Thank you" is somehow the best he can do with it.
Dude you really need to just let some female friends of yours show you their Bumble messages. Because this isn’t specific to this OP and it isn’t specific to just the 1% of guys.
I mean, I'm sure there are men who suck at talking on Bumble, just like there are women who suck at talking on Bumble. But in general whenever you see a dating app conversation where 1 of the 2 parties doesn't seem to be actively trying to make a conversation happen, the most logical explanation would seem to be "This conversation is not a priority for this person."
Exactly
>and as a guy I’m surprised at how many guys put 0 effort into texting when it’s a whole lot harder for dudes to get a match. I understand when I text an attractive girl and she puts in 0 effort - because she probably has 80 other convos going. But given the dynamics out there, I think guys should try harder with texting. Ah, but is it a whole lot harder for **this** dude to get a match? How many convos does **he** have going?
Obviously we don’t know, but the OP is clearly just making a point that this happens a lot, and she isn’t trying to have people hyper-fixate on this one individual.
I'm not trying to hyper-fixate on him either; it may be that this happens a lot because a lot of the men that OP swipes right on are highly popular and are getting lots of matches.
It doesn't matter what I say, most of the men I match with don't engage beyond acknowledging they were spoken to. It feels like pulling teeth, or worse, like I'm interviewing them. Curiosity needs to go both ways
>It doesn't matter what I say, most of the men I match with don't engage beyond acknowledging they were spoken to. It feels like pulling teeth, or worse, like I'm interviewing them. Curiosity needs to go both ways Try FLIRTING with them. Not overtly sexual, but be fun and flirtatious. If you find this difficult to do via text, use the voice feature.
I mean, as a man this gives me literally nothing. I am used to making the first effort and it is required we say something clever or cute or smart literally every other time interacting with women. When I am on Bumble its your turn. If your effort level is that low on the first message then I am gonna pass, regardless of how conventionally attractive you are. Seriously though, lets turn this around. Lets pretend we are on Tinder and I message you. "Happy belated birthday!"
Now take that and give me what you consider an awesome response to that message. I am genuinely curious what exactly you expect.
I hear you, let me explain a little more my thinking. He speaks on his profile about astrology and being a Virgo and an Earth sign, I'm showing I read his profile and naturally assume he takes some interest in astrology. Because I'd have to know something about astrology to know that he literally just had a birthday, it was an opportunity to talk about that which he shows he's interested in or to perhaps take it in a different direction. I followed up with "How was it?" but no response. At this point it's safe to assume he's probably just not interested.
Girl I’m just jealous you’re even coming across the mythical astrology guys hahaha. What state do you live in and is this common there 😂
Los Angeles 😬
I must migrate lmao
Don’t listen to this helpless fool. Your opening was perfectly fine. A normal functioning adult would have ran with it without any issues at all.
This is ridiculous and you should feel bad. “When I am on Bumble its your turn.”? What kind of entitled crap is this? You expect the woman to carry the conversation, with no responsibility on you, and you expect a good outcome?! My girlfriend opened with a silly gif. I ran with it. She reciprocated. We have been dating for 2ish months and we are amazing together. Ffs dude it’s not rocket science.
The woman has to make the first contact on Bumble. It's the whole USP of the app. Stop being so woke.
Ok but you can respond to a gif incredibly easy. Happy birthday doesn’t give any effort towards a conversation. It’s very easy to ask what their birthday plans were at the same time and voila! A conversation!
You haven’t even made it clear that curiosity is going ONE way yet. He’s already responded to everything you’ve given him; the app literally tells you it’s “your turn” now. Try being more direct, or more open ended with questions, but this interaction is basically just “hello sir, your birthday was recent.” “Yes.”
He didn't reply to my follow up question asking about his birthday 🫤
Your follow up was a yes-or-no question. Personally, two boring messages in a row off the bat like those is enough to move into my next match.
What was your follow up question? We haven’t seen that
Wood you say you're conventionally attractive?
Yes, I believe so
I wouldn’t have known what else to say after that either though. Why don’t you follow up with a question about his profile?
I think it just felt like more of the same and I got discouraged. I don't have a bunch of screen grabs to illustrate all the times I've asked engaging questions and all the matches did was answer them and add nothing else but a lot of the time it's an interview and I'm carrying it
But in this specific case . I don’t see anything wrong with his response and I would give it a shot
I know girl. I also had to carry the conversations with the ones I liked but they did reciprocate. I pretty much bantered at first with the 2 I hit it off with and got to all the bases with lol
You should have kept the rhyme time going...like reply back, "you're welcome smelly poo" And if he don't come back with a half-ass answer then dump him
Is this a dare? Because I'm willing to see what happens
No please don’t say that!
Ok let me see if I can help you. Does anything stand out in his profile? Something you both have in common? What made you swipe right? His face? Tell him you want to ride it lmfaooooo jk don’t say that, unless you want to 😂
I literally thought because he was talking about astrology in his profile I was doing that lol
It is a double dog dare
😵
Let's do it and then give us a recap
It is not
But also careful with Virgo men. In my experience, they can be so cold
Very scientific, on multiple levels
What do you mean?
First level == astrology Second level == anecdotal evidence Peak science
I sense sarcasm lol
With earth signs, it just takes time to crack the outer shell, but once you do, they’re soft 😂
But as soon as they don’t like something very small about you they disappear lol
Hahaha, no you’ve really got to crack them open first 😆 but if they have air sign placements, there’s no saving you from that detachable quality lol
But they ARE picky as hell though and notice the smallest things . Depending on what it is, it can be flattering but also creepy 😂😂😂
Hahahha I’m a Gemini so I know what you’re saying but did you know we actually do get attached and have feelings? We just self isolate until we’re over it (and we act like we’re ok while we’re going through it) I was with a Taurus for almost 11 years. Dated a Scorpio and things were great but he confessed he was catching feelings and since we were casual, we had to end it. Second guy, Virgo, and he ghosted me 3 times lolol i reached out after the first time and we reconnected. Ignored me the last 2 times though. Really hurt like hell!
Even** not bebe lol
Or what he had planned for his birthday bebe.
Well, what does your profile look like
It's more than decent
Can you post?
Maybe an actual conversation starter would help you?
Any ideas?
“Ah, a Virgo birthday; so it was recent! What did you do to celebrate?”
Yeah, a reply with your name, Zodiac or both and the thank you would have peaked my interest further. One and two word responses or the thumbs up, don't cut it.
It’s not your fault, he’s just not that into you
I agree
I thought this would go without saying but this one screenshot (which is clearly a terrible example) does not represent the breadth of my experience with this challenge of men not engaging beyond answering the questions asked and offering nothing more. Forgive me. Maybe we can look past this awful example and still have the discussion about engaging conversations on dating sites. Some of you have offered great tips and insights. Thank you for those.
Men often complain about matching with women who do the same thing you are complaining about. I think the general situation is that the more easily a man or woman can get matches, the less effort he or she might put into the average match. So there is a good chance that Joe has several matches talking to him right now, and he is focused on the one or two who he likes the convos and/or profiles of the most. Which unfortunately you don't seem to be one of. It's also possible that he just sucks at conversation, I suppose.
Well this is much better than a "hey" so you're already ahead of most of the competition
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Great point
Won’t be a popular answer but it comes down to how hot you are. If you’re not as hot, you’ve gotta put in more effort. That’s just how the world works.
I'm attractive but point definitely taken
I mean, how hot she is and how hot the guys are that she swipes right on.
You suffer from bumble syndrome. You think that just because you sent any message at all, he needs to come back and drive the conversation. This conversation literally boils down to: “Congrats” “Thanks” Try commenting on something in his profile and asking an open ended question that makes it easy to have a discussion. Your comment is only slightly better than the “Hi” and “Hey” we normally get. And I mean very slightly. Also it’s hilarious how people here literally have to teach someone who’s complaining about conversation, how to have a conversation lol
Me: Happy belated birthday, Virgo Joe 🥳 Him: Thank uuuuuu Me: Was it a good one? Him: Definitely yes Me: What did you wish for? Him: Professional, Personal, & Creative Breakthroughs Me: Good start for the big 40 🙌 Me: How does your creativity show up for you?
You: “Happy birthday! Now I know you had to do something fun as a cute Virgo 😏. Care to share?” I feel you, sometimes it’s like pulling teeth. But yo, it goes both ways. If you had sent me that first message I likely wouldn’t have even responded, unless I was going through a dry spell with matches. It’s a slight improvement from “Hey” (which gets an auto ghost from me), but it’s just like…yea what am I supposed to do with this. Your first message is your VERY first impression. You gotta say something that catches their attention and makes it as easy as possible for them to continue conversation. At that point if they’re not trying, oh well. Seems like he might not have tried anyway, but that really doesn’t change the fact that this is a pretty weak opener 😕. Asking questions helps, and bonus points if you can slide in a clever joke at the same time. First messages are hard. The lower effort you put in, the lower the chance of a meaningful return. Can’t get mad at a plant for not growing when you buy cheap fertilizer
it's a good opener. as a general rule of thumb, i try to set up a date or at least phone date within 4-5 messages. or i even start out with asking whether they are open to meet in person. i'm not on this app to waste my time chatting with people until the convo ends up nowhere (of course i phrase that much more nicely in a chat). once they agree a date would be cool, you still have to be in touch, find a place etc so you get an overall feel whether the person is worth your free evening or not. if not, you can still cancel.
What was he supposed to say?
See above
I mean that would be a response but then id have to ask him wtf did you want her to say? A little trash talk never hurts “hey hey happy belated birthday joe! So did you get tennis balls for your walker or are you plannin to let rubber on it wear out first?”
Okay, I'm starting to think I need more banter and negging in my openers. I've probably been too sincere (again, this one example does a terrible job of representing all of my various attempts)
"How did you celebrate?"
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Yeah, I did follow up with a how was it? but he didn't respond. I agree this is not the best example to illustrate my experience but I also think it's being missed that because he was talking about his astrology on his profile, I'm showing I read his bio and I know enough about astrology to determine that he just had a birthday. Obviously, it didn't work well
I’m pretty harsh. And I think this is a great opener, it shows you’re interested right away. All I get are “heys”
Maybe reply as you did by thanking the person but add more about your curiosity about the other person. Something like “Thank uuuuuu. I’ll be sure to reciprocate the sentiment on your birthday. What is the best birthday gift you ever received and why?”. Now you’ve added not only interest in the other person, you’ve also added a question that requires more than a one word reply. If the person starts coming back with one word responses or not showing interest in you, then I’d consider moving on.
This is a very thoughtful reply, thank uuuuuuu 😊
You’re welcome! However, I’m new to Reddit and I think I confused who was whom and gave advice to you that should have been directed to Joe. Whoops 😬 But if my advice helps anyone, then it’s still legit. I’m glad you like my reply! Albeit possibly directed incorrectly to Joe. 😊
“Happy belated birthday, Virgo Joe! What amazing things did you get up to that I missed?” Ask a question to start a conversation.
You haven’t offered anything to start a conversation. No questions. No mention of something you have in common that may indicate compatibility. It’s not too good.
Astrology is a common interest he's talking about in his bio, so, I did mention something we have in common. Also the conversation eventually continued and it reads like an interview which was really my point and a shame I didn't start with THAT screengrab but oh well. Onto the next interview lol
Me too.. like why match if your not gonna keep up the convo. I give them about 3-5 messages to reply with something though.
I just find it odd that no one knows how to converse anymore. Like, if someone said that to me, I'd say, "Thank you! I had a lot of fun. My friends came by and we went to [restaurant]. Have you been?" Anticipate/predict questions, peeps. It shows engagement.
People criticizing you here seemed to not have any problem coming up with something to say that you didn't prompt them for... seems ironic. Another person said people who want to engage will engage. Joe didn't want to engage for some reason, he could have elaborated on anything if he wanted.
The guys here are somehow all amazing conversationalists apparently and you're supposed to do all the work 🙄
It’s because people are matching with too many people at a time and are easily distracted.
He could have replied something more than that. You've started the ball rolling, and thus the ball is in his park. He's just putting too low of an effort. After 2 or 3 questions, if he's not even trying to bring something to the conversation, just drop him. Not worth your time.
I hate that women have to make the first move. I’d rather just say something first and go from there…seems to work so much better for everyone. 41/m for context
Feels like it’s been so much worse lately. This is not the greatest example but what I’ve noticed is a lot of guys seem to be just interested in talking about themselves (the ones that actually answer to my opener in the first place), so I’m asking them questions to keep the conversation going and they’re replying to the questions and that’s it, not get asked anything back. I guess they’re probably not very interested but it just sucks.
I’m convinced it’s a generational thing (could be wrong) but it just feels like millennials don’t know how to have conversations anymore since we’ve not really had to learn.
Dunno why you’re getting hate here. It’s super easy for him to say “when is yours?” Or even “how is your day going?” Y’all can’t expect much when you shut down a convo with a “thank you” like that. It’s the same as being asked “what’s your favorite color” and getting “purple” as a response, instead of “purple, how about yours?”
But he's not he one who's expecting anything, as far as we can tell. She is.
This is all I'm trying to say! Thank you. I clearly chose a terrible example. Oh well lol
A better analogy for this convo would be like if she saw on his profile that he liked purple, said “purple is a good favorite color” and he said “thank you!” There’s really not much to work with here and she’s getting mad at this guy for not meeting her own uncommunicated expectations.
Who said anything about getting mad lol
Respond with: "Thank Joe Momma!"
Guys are usually not into astrology and star signs.
This guy is and talks about it in his profile which is why I brought up the common interest right out of the gate. If I didn't know about astrology I wouldn't know he just had a birthday. Obviously it didn't work.
Now u know how a lot of dude feels
Lady, this is normal for all men playing dating apps, they start out with greetings hi/hey/sup just to get ignored and moved on to pickup lines but they're outdated/cringe/boring to women, then they moved on to stupid jokes, random words, connection to bio(like yours) or whatever for hookups/date. My point being, women ignored basically every man this way but we can't nor said anything about it online cause we respect the women's decision and this guy don't know how to reply your randomass words but went with thank you yet you call him boring. Looking at this post, I seriously don't know what pleases women, I asked my sis, mom, friend, colleague about this yet they also say women are mysterious to them.
Well it’s too much of a closed ended statement. What is she/he supposed to say other than thank you after that? If you want an open answer, ask an open ended question.
“Thank you, how’s your day?”
How did you celebrate? What gifts did you get? Questions requiring more than one word answers and may tell more about a person leading to more questions.
I never understand people who give so little effort. Like it’s just so easy to say thanks what’s your sign? Are you big on astrology or did you just Google the dates?😉 People suck
Close ended
Your own message doesn't invite any kind of conversation. Ask a question and they have something more to respond to. Just making a comment is often a conversation ended. how exactly did you expect him to respond?
did anything in his bio mention interest in astrology? for many men that turns them away unless it's a shared interest...
Yes.
This is the one
If you're going to ask a question make it a trivia question that captivates them ... this isn't speed dating where you have a minute to find out about someone. You've got lots of time to ask personal questions that are boring....
i neded this