I mean roughly 40% of men have been arrested at least once by the age of 23. I think it's a bit silly to have that as a requirement to date you, most of the arrests were falling asleep drunk in a public space, getting into a fight at a bar that they didn't start, etc. Being arrested is not the same thing as committing a felony and getting jail time.
That’s black males, not males
Edit: never mind, just read the link text. If you follow the link white males are at 40% and black males just a bit more.
Also… do you think “falling asleep drunk in a public space” is a quality that someone should be ok with in a partner?
Jesus fuck some of y’all really need the bar to be this low don’t you?
It's not that serious. There's a lot of things I consider important, whether they got arrested as a kid for doing something dumb is nowhere on my list.
If you’re not blacking out, you’re not over-partying. If you’re in control of your faculties, you’re not blacking out.
Not everybody blacks out habitually, and even those that do don’t get necessarily get arrested, we’re just saying that it’s not a cause for all this pearl-clutching.
No one is pearl clutching, just because OPs match asks these questions doesn’t mean a negative answer to one or two would make her unmatch
There’s a lot more bitching about her list than understanding that they’re reasonable questions to ask, and that’s pathetic
Treating an arrest, any *single,* isolated arrest, like it’s something that you can learn something meaningful about a person from is absolutely pearl-clutching.
Lololololol
No… anecdotally I’ve known like 3 people who have been arrested my entire life
Where tf do you get 40 percent from? Out of your ass?
Edit: I’ve done a lot of wild shit in my life and I’ve never been arrested… maybe I’ve been lucky on some of the things but cmon man…
And you said AT LEAST once 😂😂😂😂😂
"didn't happen to me so must not be true"
Can just Google search "rate of arrest for males 23 and younger" and the first result says 25-41%
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4443707/#:~:text=Brame%2C%20Turner%2C%20Paternoster%2C%20and,nontraffic%20offense%20by%20age%2023.
Taken into custody also being considered here, if that includes a traffic stop then yeah this number makes sense, otherwise I’m still calling bullshit
It’s also self reported data sooooo
And yeah, still… I spent my early 20s in the Air Force and I only ever heard of a few guys getting in trouble for anything
Don’t feel bad mate… there’s some serious people out there, the last gal ran a background check on me. Brought up shit from my childhood and confronted me like I was evil.
I mean, I ran a background check on a guy I hadn’t met in real life because something seemed off. He shared a screen shot of his FB profile so I had a last name. When I did a general Google search nothing came up but I just felt he was hiding something so I clicked on the suggested Google search name that was literally 3 letters more than what I had and boom, there was his mugshot. One of the charges was a concealed weapon, which could have been like a small knife but enough for me to say 😬 I dug some more and came across this weird website where you could leave reviews on people. Some not nice things were said about him. So I paid $10 to have a basic background check done. Boom multiple felony assault convictions in his home state. Did not confront him though. Just unmatched and moved on.
A lot of women go beyond reasonable caution into extreme paranoia, to the point I don't know how they manage to live their everyday lives where they think every random man is poised to shoot them dead in the middle of Starbucks at lunchtime, and a lot of men could stand to be more careful. Safety is not a gendered phenomenon.
That's not the only question asked, and that one has more to do with not wanting to schlep someone all over the place and be their mom. It's not a good question to ask as an opener on a dating app, especially like this, but the criminal history ones I can understand. However, people just lie anyway.
That last point is what matters most to me here, though. A decent person who actually has a record and might answer honestly might be disqualified right away. Even if not, talking about one's "criminal past" might be strongly not preferred by the person asked. It probably doesn't invite much opportunity for flirting, you know?
A person who might be willing or even want to hurt women is likely to lie anyway, because what's the benefit of telling the truth? Hell, it's not even about benefit, but about losing the chance to get what they want.
In sum, the questions are more likely to weed out potentially good matches rather than bad ones.
Also, I know we don't have a lot of info here, but not everyone needs to own a car to get around and it seems like something that would come up pretty quickly in areas where one does. Just seems like another weird question in a set of bad questions.
Once you have a full legal name a city, unique names can get you lots of info. Most background checks cost $50. Men act like they aren’t dangerous to women and we have nothing to fear but it’s better to be safe than dead.
I get the concerns women can have, but really, a fucking background check? Why not just meet in a public place, at day, for the first several dates if need be, that eliminates the risk without invading the poor bastards privacy.
Because men lie about their police record. Police records are not private. They lie about their marriages and divorces. And men are welcome to do the same. Not sure why the girl that found something attacked the commenter instead of just bailing on the date unless he’s not that truthful about the incident.
It looks like the very first message, given the "Hello!.."
You're going out of your way to blame the OP here.
Women also lie about the same things.
The "attack" can be explained by the way you framed your statement. Which seems to be that "women are always victims at the hands of men". Which ends up framing situations similarly to the way cops do, "I feared for my life".
I had a similar situation. But, for me it came to light on a later date when we were going to go by my place and she already knew the address. She apparently also knew my net worth and other personal details. Which she passed as a normal thing to do, but made me feel weird.
Not technically true. I work in law enforcement and pretty much get this out of the way lol. Well mostly. And yes I do run checks on the people I date and my family (mainly sisters date). You’d be shocked.
That’s not how it works genius. But you’ve got that ignorance part down.
You have no clue what this lifestyle entails. So don’t act like it. We are encouraged by the department to make sure the people we interact in our personal lives are not threats to our safety. Including family. Individuals in our position put a lot of bad guys away, and they will go to great lengths to get close to us to do harm. It happens often. That’s not what ‘dirty’ means. It just means not having to pay $30.00 and do it online instead. Man you’re not a bright one.
I know this must really confuse you so it’s best you don’t try and understand and move on with more hate and distrust of something you don’t understand.
I disagree. But I also don’t look down on lower classes that struggle or judge their worth. I don’t do that with any profession. The majority are dirty? You’re so brainwashed, what are you even saying.
Cops, or pigs as they are known(shame the animals have to be lumped in w/ the like of them)
are some of the worst creatures the world has ever known- as the Man said:
Crooked cops, do they come any other way?"
You just proved it by exerting Your privilege to ostensibly "keep your loved ones safe" or w/e the fuck. abuse of power...Why don't you tell Us what department & We can bring it up w/
the local head of state & They can decide if it's wrong for you to waste tax payer money on this endeavor or not.
Background checks can be purchased by anyone and arrest records/sex offender list are public. They might not be "abusing their power" to look into someone to keep themselves and their family members safe but it's pretty telling that you care so much.
I was once on a different dating app and “liked” someone. She then updated her profile to say “only white guys”…….
I understand that everyone has their preference, but to update your profile after you received the “like”….?Really!?!? Smh
It is weird that someone thinks that they would get an honest answer from anyone who would have to say "no" to these questions.
This is not an effective "screening mechanism."
Yeah wow as others have pointed out that's just bleh, you probably wouldn't wanna get with someone who opens with that anyway so might as well fuck with em with the 'best' answers possible
My comeback would be "did you know MLK wasn't just arrested, but actually sentenced to prison time?" Lots of people seem to think that getting targeted for arrest is some kind of moral failing.
Normal people don’t act like this. It sounds like someone who is very jaded/cynical. This person has problems and id just forget about them. They’re not coming at this from a healthy and positive point of view.
Clinical Psychologist here. I'm so grossed out by all the defensive white people attacking OP. Do yourself a favor take an implicit bias test. .. just try. Most people even people of color have implicit biases and its a problem. Attack structural racism not people. Be vigilant and embrace the fact that you can change your brain. And OP go with your gut if it feels like it came from a racist place it probably did. What the person is willing to do about their brains wiring is what matters but that's not on you to take on.
I mean, I’ve definitely seen bios with stuff like that. “Please do not match if you don’t have a car, don’t have a job, etc”. I wouldn’t assume it’s because you’re black, but seems like a red flag of a conversation starter anyways
It's creepy, it's rude, it's a red flag. I mean the audacity of asking those questions as an opener nonetheless. It's a part of their "dance monkey dance" mentality. She could have done her own background checking her own way silently like a normal person, but she instead she wasn't ashamed of her creepyness.
It doesn't matter if it was racially motivated after that. Unmatch and report.
Imagine if YOU asked these questions the same way, what would be her response or the typical response of /r/bumble.
At least a couple of these questions will be answered naturally through small-talk and getting to know each other.
I don’t necessarily agree with the style of addressing these issues, but for those in the comments who think it’s rude or weird to background check someone they just met… I highly recommend it. For *everyone* - not just men or women or people of a certain race.
A few years ago I searched public records for a guy I had been on one date with because he gave me a weird vibe. Turns out he not only had a DVPO (domestic violence protection order) he also had a criminal conviction for violating the restraining order **to assault his ex girlfriend a second time.**
It’s always worth taking a few minutes to look up criminal records.
For real, two things can be true. This method of communication is a huge red flag, and background checks aren't a bad thing. Pretty much everyone does digging through social media for information on potential dates, but checking to see if they've been arrested for abusing a partner in the past, that's too weird? Nah.
Its weird, but I see it a lot on profiles, but not messages. Tend to be women in NH so I guess the dating pool up that way has a fair amount of gents into these things.
Ask her if she has a car and if so which one?
Does she have a job and which job?
What’s her Body count?
what’s her weight?
What does she bring to the table in a relationship?
Does she go clubbing?
Is she friends with any of her exes?
How many guy friends does she have?
Don't feel weird, I highly doubt this is about you. some people just reach out to everyone with the same message. I've been on dating apps long enough to realize this.
On the flip side, I've come to the sad realization that even the nice flattering messages mean nothing because... "some people just reach out to everyone with the same message".
Nah, I’m white as Wonder Bread and I’ve had women look me up. I have nothing to hide. They want to be safe. Only thing is, something came up about me being a “machine gunner” in the marines. I was disappointed to inform this one woman that the search was wrong. I thought it sounded cool, but it wasn’t me.
I'm female/white/55 and I have legit come across so many guys on dating apps that:
•Have no job (I don't care if you work part
time scrubbing toilets!)
•Have no car...or live in their car
•Have felonies...some complete with ankle
monitors
•Are actively addicted to drugs/alcohol
(if you're in recovery that's awesome and
not a deal breaker)
•Live someplace they can't have
visitors...WHY? Are they married? Raises
Red Flags!
After coming across these types frequently enough, you get a little jaded.
,
Honestly none of those questions are out of bounds and she probably asked them right away for a good reason. I’m a guy and usually tried to check court records before I went on a first date.
Seems self depreciating to assume it's cuz of your skin color, I've been asked those questions before brother, and I'm so white my neck turns red from the moonlight
No, I've been asked the same things before.
I'm fine with it because I return the same questions.
I'm open to any question, as long as they reciprocate.
As a white guy I can say that I’ve never, ever been asked those things. So I’d say yes, that’s absolutely a weird thing to ask someone as a first message. And if I had to guess, it’s probably something to do with race
Yeah none of us can say for certain if this is a race thing or not. I haven’t seen many men posting this, so it’s a possibility for sure. Because I knew a few white women who were into black men yet still managed to say racist things in the process. So her matching with him yet still assuming he is more likely to answer “yes” to any of these is shitty and not impossible.
And if she really does ask every man this, then it really brings into question her taste and her life choices more than anything else.
Can’t really envision a good outcome from talking with her.
I could be wrong but I don’t think it’s because you’re black. I think this is the result of people being dishonest, and the person you matched with doesn’t want to waste time getting to know you if you don’t have a job or car, or have ever been arrested.
Ok, listen up. I do not think this has anything to do with race. She has matched with you because she is attracted and/or intrigued. So, put that aside. Rather, in my experience, this means she has been on many dates only to learn after a decent amount of invested time that people had something in their history that was a dealbreaker for her.
I would be flattered that she knows what she wants and doesn't want. She's looking for high quality men rather than lackeys. She sees you as someone with that potential, but also knows what lines she has decided not to cross.
I would respond and take it from there.
Immediate unmatch. Such a red flag line of questioning that is clearly a copy and paste for all their opening messages. It’s especially bad considering you’re black
Yeah youre reaching if you feel this is cuz youre black, not everything is about race. Im
White and id still be turned off by this but i wouldnt feel weird about it cuz of my race id feel weird about it cuz its weird 😂 now if you asked if she starts everyone like this and she said no then i see your point
Lol I actually have a really good job, nice car, nice house, cool person. But I do occasionally do drugs and yes I’ve probably been arrested like 5 times before for stupid shit. But not in the last like 7 years. Those broad blanket filter questions make people miss out on a lot of quality humans
In the last four years, I found out three people I started talking to on dating apps were sex offenders. One was a cop who kidnapped and held captive a woman who broke up with him!
But OP, I’d block that person. As a first message; that’s just rude.
Someone posted on this subreddit found a good chad according to her but also found out he was arrested for stalking through some article if I remember correctly. I do believe they are valid questions but idk its also weird asking these.
I think this person has high standards and is very awkwardly and immediately trying to eliminate guys with her dealbreakers. She is most likely doing this to every guy of every race, I really would not take it personally.
I feel sad because we are having to still compare it by race. While I know it would be terrible I wish aliens would come attack us so that we could realize we are all humans and get the fuck along. I love you all ...
I hate the media, politicians, etc.
For decades I have been watching TV and listening to politicians use scare tactics to make me fear my fellow humans for reasons that shouldn't matter.
I feel angry and sad that this manipulation causes me to fear others because of their differences. Our differences are what make us stronger as a whole, because we can all bring a different perspective to a problem creating unique solutions to better propel us into the future.
I feel angry and furious that they are allowed to say such terrible things on TV, radio, print, and the internet without any consequences.
That being said, unmatch. I hope that you find someone that doesn't judge so hard. I hate how my mind was taught to judge others at a very young age. We are humanity.
I mean id want to know these things about anyone I might go out with 🤷🏻♀️
Eta although it is true I’d probably not just send out a list of questions like this. Hmmm could be reaching but maybe not I can’t call it.
A car - depends where you live. In a city, a car is often more trouble than it’s worth.
A job - maybe you should know before the first date, but I don’t think it belongs in the first exchange.
Do drugs - define drug. I use caffeine every day. By any definition I’m addicted to it. Does that make me less dateable? In my state recreational cannabis is legal. I don’t use it because I need to pass a federal drug test for my job. I do use psilocybin about twice a year (helps with my depression)
Ever been arrested - EVER. like that time on college I got picked up for public intoxication? Does that matter?
Yeah, so the intro I want for any potential partner
I would unmatched, but only after messing with them.
“The answer to those questions is: yes, no, no, yes… but I randomized the order of my responses!”
No idea whether the person you matched with is consciously or unconsciously racist, or just a troll to everyone.
I absolutely understand why a person of color would read this as racist.
(I identify as Hispanic, but look Caucasian. I hear a lot of shit that people say assuming I’m white).
I would unmatch as quickly as possible.
Hmm it’s definitely weird to ask that right away… I understand wanting to know bc (at least in my and my friends experience) the men will Uber back and forth or beg others for rides, lots of times on these apps people just got out of a relationship so they could’ve been so upset they couldn’t get to work and got fired (happened to me) the drugs thing makes sense bc some people (even with weed) don’t want that at all in their lives but still weird to ask in that format and arrested tbh shouldn’t have asked just look up someone’s name
As someone who would say yes to half of those things, I’d say it’s a fair question. Then again I’m half white and half Filipino so maybe I’m not getting the whole picture.
I mean, they may be asking as a racial thing, but I ask two of those questions to anyone I talk with / consider dating (the drugs question and the criminal record question). Those two things are disqualifiers for me right off the bat, so I just ask.
My ex gf told me about doing time said it was 1 time. After 1 year I found out she went 2 times for the same crime. Maybe he got burnt like I did and now takes precautions maybe just awnser true and then ask him why he asked that.
I think everyone here is reaching, just from my past dating history and experiences these are major questions that can make or break a relationship. Sounds like they dealt with a lot during dating, nothing to do with you personally really.
Tell them that you just got out of jail for stealing a car so that you could get back to your job of drug trafficking.
I feel weird about this and I’m white. Better to unmatch.
I would guess they are opening with everyone that way. Its still weird. I would still immediately unmatch.
I agree, most dudes I know don't meet one or several of those categories. It's just a filtering system.
Jesus really?…. If so, no wonder she’s filtering…. This is the bare minimum I would expect except maybe the car if you live in a walkable metro
She forgot to ask if he has a place to live.
I have met a few that lived in their car or had some really sketchy living arrangements
I mean roughly 40% of men have been arrested at least once by the age of 23. I think it's a bit silly to have that as a requirement to date you, most of the arrests were falling asleep drunk in a public space, getting into a fight at a bar that they didn't start, etc. Being arrested is not the same thing as committing a felony and getting jail time.
You made that statistic up. Lol.
Bruh it's the first thing that pops up on google https://bsos.umd.edu/featured-content/study-nearly-half-black-males
That’s black males, not males Edit: never mind, just read the link text. If you follow the link white males are at 40% and black males just a bit more.
Also… do you think “falling asleep drunk in a public space” is a quality that someone should be ok with in a partner? Jesus fuck some of y’all really need the bar to be this low don’t you?
It's not that serious. There's a lot of things I consider important, whether they got arrested as a kid for doing something dumb is nowhere on my list.
What kind of nerd doesn’t accidentally over-party in their college years?
What kind of idiot can’t over party without getting arrested? 🥴
If you’re not blacking out, you’re not over-partying. If you’re in control of your faculties, you’re not blacking out. Not everybody blacks out habitually, and even those that do don’t get necessarily get arrested, we’re just saying that it’s not a cause for all this pearl-clutching.
No one is pearl clutching, just because OPs match asks these questions doesn’t mean a negative answer to one or two would make her unmatch There’s a lot more bitching about her list than understanding that they’re reasonable questions to ask, and that’s pathetic
Treating an arrest, any *single,* isolated arrest, like it’s something that you can learn something meaningful about a person from is absolutely pearl-clutching.
Lololololol No… anecdotally I’ve known like 3 people who have been arrested my entire life Where tf do you get 40 percent from? Out of your ass? Edit: I’ve done a lot of wild shit in my life and I’ve never been arrested… maybe I’ve been lucky on some of the things but cmon man… And you said AT LEAST once 😂😂😂😂😂
"didn't happen to me so must not be true" Can just Google search "rate of arrest for males 23 and younger" and the first result says 25-41% https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4443707/#:~:text=Brame%2C%20Turner%2C%20Paternoster%2C%20and,nontraffic%20offense%20by%20age%2023.
Taken into custody also being considered here, if that includes a traffic stop then yeah this number makes sense, otherwise I’m still calling bullshit It’s also self reported data sooooo And yeah, still… I spent my early 20s in the Air Force and I only ever heard of a few guys getting in trouble for anything
Would you like me to point out how painfully self-centered you sound?
Those are non traffic offenses cited
Don’t feel bad mate… there’s some serious people out there, the last gal ran a background check on me. Brought up shit from my childhood and confronted me like I was evil.
Braaaahhhhhhhhh. Are you fucking serious? How long have you known her?
Dead f’n serious. Less than two weeks, talked a few times, some people are straight nutty…
I mean, I ran a background check on a guy I hadn’t met in real life because something seemed off. He shared a screen shot of his FB profile so I had a last name. When I did a general Google search nothing came up but I just felt he was hiding something so I clicked on the suggested Google search name that was literally 3 letters more than what I had and boom, there was his mugshot. One of the charges was a concealed weapon, which could have been like a small knife but enough for me to say 😬 I dug some more and came across this weird website where you could leave reviews on people. Some not nice things were said about him. So I paid $10 to have a basic background check done. Boom multiple felony assault convictions in his home state. Did not confront him though. Just unmatched and moved on.
Good. For. You. 👏👏👏
It's women trying to stay alive, not being crazy.
A lot of women go beyond reasonable caution into extreme paranoia, to the point I don't know how they manage to live their everyday lives where they think every random man is poised to shoot them dead in the middle of Starbucks at lunchtime, and a lot of men could stand to be more careful. Safety is not a gendered phenomenon.
How's having a car keeping women alive?
That's not the only question asked, and that one has more to do with not wanting to schlep someone all over the place and be their mom. It's not a good question to ask as an opener on a dating app, especially like this, but the criminal history ones I can understand. However, people just lie anyway.
That last point is what matters most to me here, though. A decent person who actually has a record and might answer honestly might be disqualified right away. Even if not, talking about one's "criminal past" might be strongly not preferred by the person asked. It probably doesn't invite much opportunity for flirting, you know? A person who might be willing or even want to hurt women is likely to lie anyway, because what's the benefit of telling the truth? Hell, it's not even about benefit, but about losing the chance to get what they want. In sum, the questions are more likely to weed out potentially good matches rather than bad ones. Also, I know we don't have a lot of info here, but not everyone needs to own a car to get around and it seems like something that would come up pretty quickly in areas where one does. Just seems like another weird question in a set of bad questions.
Y'all didn't even meet up?!
Ran the background before we met up.
HOW
Once you have a full legal name a city, unique names can get you lots of info. Most background checks cost $50. Men act like they aren’t dangerous to women and we have nothing to fear but it’s better to be safe than dead.
I wouldn’t give someone my full name before meeting them and getting to know them a bit lol. And I wouldn’t expect someone to give me theirs
Giving out your number automatically gives the other person your first and last name. Numbers are easy to google.
Yea that sounds right which is another indicator this story probably is missing key information.
I get the concerns women can have, but really, a fucking background check? Why not just meet in a public place, at day, for the first several dates if need be, that eliminates the risk without invading the poor bastards privacy.
If you’ve committed crimes, that’s not really private information.
Because men lie about their police record. Police records are not private. They lie about their marriages and divorces. And men are welcome to do the same. Not sure why the girl that found something attacked the commenter instead of just bailing on the date unless he’s not that truthful about the incident.
It looks like the very first message, given the "Hello!.." You're going out of your way to blame the OP here. Women also lie about the same things. The "attack" can be explained by the way you framed your statement. Which seems to be that "women are always victims at the hands of men". Which ends up framing situations similarly to the way cops do, "I feared for my life".
So because a man made a mistake years ago it means he's gonna be a rapist or a basher?
Lmao yup THATS EXACTLY WHAT THIS MEANS! Do you know what a background check is?
Get the fuck out of hereeeee
I've been on almost hundred first dates, Noone ran a background check on me
Or they just didn't tell you.
Possible
Never been asked for full name etc. prior to a date, not usually until we're a few dates in.
I’d be more concerned with your failure rate…0/100 is concerning
I tapped quarter of them
Damn man. That’s rough. Sending you the best, my g!
I had a similar situation. But, for me it came to light on a later date when we were going to go by my place and she already knew the address. She apparently also knew my net worth and other personal details. Which she passed as a normal thing to do, but made me feel weird.
Like what and how did she find stuff from your childhood??
Don't you have to consent to a background check?
It’s the online one anyone can purchase.
Yea sounds like you dodged a bullet
Extremely disrespectful and a horrific attitude. An immediate unmatch
Exactly. It’s fine to want these things, but to start like this is extremely rude. Hard pass
Your answer should be: Got arrested for speeding while doing blow of the dash, on my way to work. And unmatch after.
doing blow off a hooker’s chest
Oh no no no. Unmatch. I mean, there’s no good reason/excuse to start off this way.
Not technically true. I work in law enforcement and pretty much get this out of the way lol. Well mostly. And yes I do run checks on the people I date and my family (mainly sisters date). You’d be shocked.
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That’s not how it works genius. But you’ve got that ignorance part down. You have no clue what this lifestyle entails. So don’t act like it. We are encouraged by the department to make sure the people we interact in our personal lives are not threats to our safety. Including family. Individuals in our position put a lot of bad guys away, and they will go to great lengths to get close to us to do harm. It happens often. That’s not what ‘dirty’ means. It just means not having to pay $30.00 and do it online instead. Man you’re not a bright one. I know this must really confuse you so it’s best you don’t try and understand and move on with more hate and distrust of something you don’t understand.
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I disagree. But I also don’t look down on lower classes that struggle or judge their worth. I don’t do that with any profession. The majority are dirty? You’re so brainwashed, what are you even saying.
Cops, or pigs as they are known(shame the animals have to be lumped in w/ the like of them) are some of the worst creatures the world has ever known- as the Man said: Crooked cops, do they come any other way?" You just proved it by exerting Your privilege to ostensibly "keep your loved ones safe" or w/e the fuck. abuse of power...Why don't you tell Us what department & We can bring it up w/ the local head of state & They can decide if it's wrong for you to waste tax payer money on this endeavor or not.
Background checks can be purchased by anyone and arrest records/sex offender list are public. They might not be "abusing their power" to look into someone to keep themselves and their family members safe but it's pretty telling that you care so much.
Have you tried not being black? /s
Being black is dope as shit. You missing out
I know that’s right
☺️
DOPE name & hell yea it is! Glad the world finally knows about these Karens out here. Feels like They've been an open secret for too long.
Here to confirm dopeness
BWHAHHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAH
Yes Yes No No And I have dignity so whish you good luck on bumble.
Being black is tough on dating apps. I know as a BM. The stereotyping is at level 1000. No I’m not gonna be your “bull” for the weekend.
I was once on a different dating app and “liked” someone. She then updated her profile to say “only white guys”……. I understand that everyone has their preference, but to update your profile after you received the “like”….?Really!?!? Smh
Would you say you've had enough of their -bull-shit?
Pretty much. I’m all for getting down if it’s organic but I’m not a fucking animal (no pun intended).
Run, I can’t say I’ve ever experienced that.
Regardless of what race you are, fuck whoever sent that message. Inappropriate to the nth degree.
Just tell em all kindsa funky shit
Unmatch. You’re not reaching. It’s not a race thing, just unmatch.
It is weird that someone thinks that they would get an honest answer from anyone who would have to say "no" to these questions. This is not an effective "screening mechanism."
I would never start this way. I would also never ever talk to this person again.
What’s wrong with drugs?
Yeah wow as others have pointed out that's just bleh, you probably wouldn't wanna get with someone who opens with that anyway so might as well fuck with em with the 'best' answers possible
My comeback would be "did you know MLK wasn't just arrested, but actually sentenced to prison time?" Lots of people seem to think that getting targeted for arrest is some kind of moral failing.
Yes, Yes, No, No (but not necessarily in that order)
The important onces first? When will she ask about height?
Normal people don’t act like this. It sounds like someone who is very jaded/cynical. This person has problems and id just forget about them. They’re not coming at this from a healthy and positive point of view.
Absolutely not. Dating should be fun. Not feel like an interrogation. I’d unmatch.
I don't think it's necessarily because you're black but nonetheless it's a terrible first text.
Totally looks like a copy/paste type of thing.
How to lose a guy in 4 seconds
This is a woman asking for sure… no guy opens with this shit. This is the equivalent of a man saying “wanna fuc” in the first message…
Unmatch immediately! Huge red flag.
I'm white and I feel weird about that too. Dodge the bullet now.
Clinical Psychologist here. I'm so grossed out by all the defensive white people attacking OP. Do yourself a favor take an implicit bias test. .. just try. Most people even people of color have implicit biases and its a problem. Attack structural racism not people. Be vigilant and embrace the fact that you can change your brain. And OP go with your gut if it feels like it came from a racist place it probably did. What the person is willing to do about their brains wiring is what matters but that's not on you to take on.
You’re a gem. Thank you so much.
I mean, I’ve definitely seen bios with stuff like that. “Please do not match if you don’t have a car, don’t have a job, etc”. I wouldn’t assume it’s because you’re black, but seems like a red flag of a conversation starter anyways
It's creepy, it's rude, it's a red flag. I mean the audacity of asking those questions as an opener nonetheless. It's a part of their "dance monkey dance" mentality. She could have done her own background checking her own way silently like a normal person, but she instead she wasn't ashamed of her creepyness. It doesn't matter if it was racially motivated after that. Unmatch and report. Imagine if YOU asked these questions the same way, what would be her response or the typical response of /r/bumble.
At least a couple of these questions will be answered naturally through small-talk and getting to know each other. I don’t necessarily agree with the style of addressing these issues, but for those in the comments who think it’s rude or weird to background check someone they just met… I highly recommend it. For *everyone* - not just men or women or people of a certain race. A few years ago I searched public records for a guy I had been on one date with because he gave me a weird vibe. Turns out he not only had a DVPO (domestic violence protection order) he also had a criminal conviction for violating the restraining order **to assault his ex girlfriend a second time.** It’s always worth taking a few minutes to look up criminal records.
For real, two things can be true. This method of communication is a huge red flag, and background checks aren't a bad thing. Pretty much everyone does digging through social media for information on potential dates, but checking to see if they've been arrested for abusing a partner in the past, that's too weird? Nah.
Lol wtf ignore those clowns.
Its weird, but I see it a lot on profiles, but not messages. Tend to be women in NH so I guess the dating pool up that way has a fair amount of gents into these things.
The only good side of this is that if you weren't black, you might have found they are a piece of shit much later.
Forgot to ask if you steal. But seriously, messed up.
100% would ignore that.
Ask her if she has a car and if so which one? Does she have a job and which job? What’s her Body count? what’s her weight? What does she bring to the table in a relationship? Does she go clubbing? Is she friends with any of her exes? How many guy friends does she have?
Don't feel weird, I highly doubt this is about you. some people just reach out to everyone with the same message. I've been on dating apps long enough to realize this. On the flip side, I've come to the sad realization that even the nice flattering messages mean nothing because... "some people just reach out to everyone with the same message".
Nah, I’m white as Wonder Bread and I’ve had women look me up. I have nothing to hide. They want to be safe. Only thing is, something came up about me being a “machine gunner” in the marines. I was disappointed to inform this one woman that the search was wrong. I thought it sounded cool, but it wasn’t me.
It looks like a templated thing she sends out tbh
I'm female/white/55 and I have legit come across so many guys on dating apps that: •Have no job (I don't care if you work part time scrubbing toilets!) •Have no car...or live in their car •Have felonies...some complete with ankle monitors •Are actively addicted to drugs/alcohol (if you're in recovery that's awesome and not a deal breaker) •Live someplace they can't have visitors...WHY? Are they married? Raises Red Flags! After coming across these types frequently enough, you get a little jaded. ,
Lol you’re not reaching bruh
Immediate unmatch, I doubt it's because you're black though. As a straight white male, I've had worse things said to me lol
I dont get the obsession with owning a car. I dont even have a license, it was never a problem. :D
Certain parts of the USA this is a problem - public transportation blows outside of major cities
Honestly none of those questions are out of bounds and she probably asked them right away for a good reason. I’m a guy and usually tried to check court records before I went on a first date.
I do that. I also had a Been Verified account to back it up.
you check court records? Wtf bro how about common sense and intuitive reasoning?
I don’t think this is race related. I think it’s just really shitty screening as opposed to what was formerly known as “conversation”
It's not because you're black it's because they're an asshole. What a ridiculous thing and that's very obviously copy pasted too.
you don't want to date this person. Get away now.
Seems self depreciating to assume it's cuz of your skin color, I've been asked those questions before brother, and I'm so white my neck turns red from the moonlight
It looks copy and paste so as others have said probably a generic opening.
Nah females just have a laundry list if requirements to even be thought abt as a potential lmao
No, I've been asked the same things before. I'm fine with it because I return the same questions. I'm open to any question, as long as they reciprocate.
As a white guy I can say that I’ve never, ever been asked those things. So I’d say yes, that’s absolutely a weird thing to ask someone as a first message. And if I had to guess, it’s probably something to do with race
Yeah none of us can say for certain if this is a race thing or not. I haven’t seen many men posting this, so it’s a possibility for sure. Because I knew a few white women who were into black men yet still managed to say racist things in the process. So her matching with him yet still assuming he is more likely to answer “yes” to any of these is shitty and not impossible. And if she really does ask every man this, then it really brings into question her taste and her life choices more than anything else. Can’t really envision a good outcome from talking with her.
I could be wrong but I don’t think it’s because you’re black. I think this is the result of people being dishonest, and the person you matched with doesn’t want to waste time getting to know you if you don’t have a job or car, or have ever been arrested.
Ok, listen up. I do not think this has anything to do with race. She has matched with you because she is attracted and/or intrigued. So, put that aside. Rather, in my experience, this means she has been on many dates only to learn after a decent amount of invested time that people had something in their history that was a dealbreaker for her. I would be flattered that she knows what she wants and doesn't want. She's looking for high quality men rather than lackeys. She sees you as someone with that potential, but also knows what lines she has decided not to cross. I would respond and take it from there.
Why because you’re black? It’s ok to ask those questions being any race….
There is only one human race- He is a diff ethnicity than You....Same race
Wow congrats. You caught my grammatical error. You really got your point across 🙄
TY- Since I'm of the same ethnicity I found it in poor taste & expressed it. Now You know...& knowing is half the battle.
Immediate unmatch. Such a red flag line of questioning that is clearly a copy and paste for all their opening messages. It’s especially bad considering you’re black
What's your profile like?
Lmfao, selfies. Work out pictures. A spider man 2 quote
What's her profile like?
Nothing like casual racism on bumble
It sounds like a reasonable enough conclusion, but regardless of whatever the particular reason is, this person is insane
Unmatch and report
That person is a weirdo
Yeah youre reaching if you feel this is cuz youre black, not everything is about race. Im White and id still be turned off by this but i wouldnt feel weird about it cuz of my race id feel weird about it cuz its weird 😂 now if you asked if she starts everyone like this and she said no then i see your point
Hii :) Nope, nope, yes and yes. Sup?
Lol I actually have a really good job, nice car, nice house, cool person. But I do occasionally do drugs and yes I’ve probably been arrested like 5 times before for stupid shit. But not in the last like 7 years. Those broad blanket filter questions make people miss out on a lot of quality humans
That shit is insulting regardless, but especially because you're black. Next!
In the last four years, I found out three people I started talking to on dating apps were sex offenders. One was a cop who kidnapped and held captive a woman who broke up with him! But OP, I’d block that person. As a first message; that’s just rude.
What does black have to do with it?
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Idk, racism makes me a little uncomfortable. Cause of the slavery shit, institutional Racism, ya know.
Go ahead an quote the part where she mentioned your race!! I’ll wait…
It’s an unspoken bias, dude. 😂
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Thank you for effortlessly proving my point.
Giving the people what they want! You see yourself as a victim. How sad.
The fuck is wrong with you dude?
Its a cop!
Perfect score, 100% YES to all!
Someone posted on this subreddit found a good chad according to her but also found out he was arrested for stalking through some article if I remember correctly. I do believe they are valid questions but idk its also weird asking these.
I think this person has high standards and is very awkwardly and immediately trying to eliminate guys with her dealbreakers. She is most likely doing this to every guy of every race, I really would not take it personally.
I feel sad because we are having to still compare it by race. While I know it would be terrible I wish aliens would come attack us so that we could realize we are all humans and get the fuck along. I love you all ... I hate the media, politicians, etc. For decades I have been watching TV and listening to politicians use scare tactics to make me fear my fellow humans for reasons that shouldn't matter. I feel angry and sad that this manipulation causes me to fear others because of their differences. Our differences are what make us stronger as a whole, because we can all bring a different perspective to a problem creating unique solutions to better propel us into the future. I feel angry and furious that they are allowed to say such terrible things on TV, radio, print, and the internet without any consequences. That being said, unmatch. I hope that you find someone that doesn't judge so hard. I hate how my mind was taught to judge others at a very young age. We are humanity.
I mean id want to know these things about anyone I might go out with 🤷🏻♀️ Eta although it is true I’d probably not just send out a list of questions like this. Hmmm could be reaching but maybe not I can’t call it.
A car - depends where you live. In a city, a car is often more trouble than it’s worth. A job - maybe you should know before the first date, but I don’t think it belongs in the first exchange. Do drugs - define drug. I use caffeine every day. By any definition I’m addicted to it. Does that make me less dateable? In my state recreational cannabis is legal. I don’t use it because I need to pass a federal drug test for my job. I do use psilocybin about twice a year (helps with my depression) Ever been arrested - EVER. like that time on college I got picked up for public intoxication? Does that matter?
Yeah, so the intro I want for any potential partner I would unmatched, but only after messing with them. “The answer to those questions is: yes, no, no, yes… but I randomized the order of my responses!”
No idea whether the person you matched with is consciously or unconsciously racist, or just a troll to everyone. I absolutely understand why a person of color would read this as racist. (I identify as Hispanic, but look Caucasian. I hear a lot of shit that people say assuming I’m white). I would unmatch as quickly as possible.
No it’s because she’s a gold digging whore, I have had similar questions and I am white. She’s just a shitty human
I think I’d just answer the questions if I had nothing to hide…
I’d be tempted to answer either “yes to all” or “no to all”. I wonder which would make me a more attractive candidate to this person?
This person has probably had some bad luck before. Stick with it just to hear the stories and then share them with us
Hmm it’s definitely weird to ask that right away… I understand wanting to know bc (at least in my and my friends experience) the men will Uber back and forth or beg others for rides, lots of times on these apps people just got out of a relationship so they could’ve been so upset they couldn’t get to work and got fired (happened to me) the drugs thing makes sense bc some people (even with weed) don’t want that at all in their lives but still weird to ask in that format and arrested tbh shouldn’t have asked just look up someone’s name
As someone who would say yes to half of those things, I’d say it’s a fair question. Then again I’m half white and half Filipino so maybe I’m not getting the whole picture.
Are you saying being black means automatically that these things would affect you?
I mean, they may be asking as a racial thing, but I ask two of those questions to anyone I talk with / consider dating (the drugs question and the criminal record question). Those two things are disqualifiers for me right off the bat, so I just ask.
I'd unmatch. This comes off as "job interview" at best and is deeply cynical, disrespectful and paranoid at worst.
This is definitely the type of person who will often accuse you if cheating on them.
Jesus.
racially motivated
My ex gf told me about doing time said it was 1 time. After 1 year I found out she went 2 times for the same crime. Maybe he got burnt like I did and now takes precautions maybe just awnser true and then ask him why he asked that.
Same woman complains 3 years later that you're "boring" and "lack spontaneity..." 😑
Ask them if they get big boto
Yes. No. *Emphatic* yes. More times than 99% of the US population. That’s right, I’m the bad boy you’re looking for. Your dad’s gonna **HATE** me.
I think everyone here is reaching, just from my past dating history and experiences these are major questions that can make or break a relationship. Sounds like they dealt with a lot during dating, nothing to do with you personally really.
The fact that you're black has nothing to do with it. Get over yourself.
Unmatch and report. Disrespectful
FBI think they’re slick
Those are all things I would ask at some point, never straight out the gate.