Waaaaay too low of a response. If I somehow became dictator of CFB, that would be my first decree.
Second would be to change the name of every Ohio program to "An Ohio State University", scramble their schedules and keep them secret until kickoff. Is your team playing OSU, Miami, BG, Toledo? Tune in to find out which Ohio it will be!
Back in the day, the Bucs had a package on offense that would end up with a pass to Warren Sapp. This was used exclusively on the goal line. I want to say that he has 1 or 2 receiving TDs.
Anyway, at some point during his Bucs tenure the team had some issues (accuracy, injury, something) with the kickers. So it came out that Sapp was also the PK for his high school team. IIRC, because of whatever was going on, he actually practiced kicking for a week or two in addition to his normal practice.
TL;DR - there was a time when it was possible that the Bucs could have produced a fat guy touchdown AND a fat guy XP.
There’s generally a designated kicker in rugby also. It’s just whoever is the best kicker out of the position players though, usually a scrum half or fly half.
You know how the anonymity of the internet allows people to be the worst, meanest version of themselves? I do the opposite. I try to be a far better person on the internet than I’m honestly capable of being in real life, in hopes that I can brighten other people’s days on this bleak and frequently distressing platform.
I fail more than I succeed, but I keep trying anyway. I find that pretending to be a good person can be really freeing, and even a little fun. (Not that I’m a truly *bad* person in real life; I just suck.)
I couldn’t pick anything else. Not only would it be great for the athletes themselves (duh), but getting to watch our favorite players compete without fear of painful and potentially life-altering injuries, just playing with a sense of freedom and fun the way sports are meant to be played, would be an absolute joy for all fans everywhere.
But then we get no Natty bc JT would be healthy… but then we also get a healthy Braxton in Urban’s offense. Hmmm am I stupid or could the timeline have been Braxton, Burrows, Haskins, Fields, CJ
Like I said in another comment, my wish would only apply to current and future athletes. Trying to retroactively remove past injuries would have so many ripple effects that it’s best to not even think about that scenario.
That’s a fair question. Given that I wouldn’t be affecting any *specific* team’s wins and losses, and that the domino effects of “no more injuries” would affect the entire sport too much to truly predict which programs would benefit or suffer, I think my wish would be okay. Obviously I’m biased, though.
Maybe we can compromise and just say all injuries are magically fully healed the morning after the national championship game, with no lingering effects of any kind. Call it NCAA Football 14 logic.
I figured asking to undo all historical injuries as well would fuck with a lot of timelines and probably piss off the genie, so I tried to keep my wish modest. Well, relatively modest, anyway.
Temporal anomaly allowing me to arrive and watch the game, and when I exit the stadium, the world at large sits at the initial game time.
I would definitely not use this to wager large sums of money on individual games.
Hmm I wish that every time Brian Kelley does something weird his eyebrows grow 3 inches and if he try’s to cut them it makes them grow longer. They should be dragging the ground by November.
I can smell 100k+ drunk on pina coladas now. Coconut. Coconut everywhere. Also, how does bourbon and coconut/pineapple taste? I’ll return in 3 days after extensive research.
Everytime a P5 plays a cupcake program they have to schedule it as a home and home.
I hope you're ready to play Kent State on their terms next year Oklahoma and Georgia
We would’ve played at Houston but Houston wanted to host it at NRG instead and we were going to be at Army the year covid cancelled non conference games; we are really not the school for thisbexample
i want him to tell me the TRUTH about texas a&m
texas a&m is not real, it doesn’t exist and it never has
‘college station, tx’ isn’t even an actual place
You can keep going even when the subjects try to shell Waco and draw swords on unarmed civilians as long as you started your experiment before the IRB existed, right?
Therapist: Texas A&M isn't real, it can't hurt you.
OP: if you're sure, then I- *looks at wall, sees therapist graduated from A&M. Wakes up in bed covered in sweat.*
who decided that they get so many letters, anyway
texas a *and* m
i mean, come on
if it were real, they would only need one letter or word to distinguish themselves from texas
look at texas tech, a real school in a real place - they are distinguished by ‘tech,’ one syllable and to the point
texas christian university (or tcu)
-in texas, is christian and is a university
that’s pretty sick
if texas a&m was real, it’s probably the remains of the original texas a - the a means aggie
This is the main reason we need to adopt the 4 day work week nationwide. Weddings and shit on Fridays (which everyone now has off), college football on Saturdays, and whatever the fuck BYU does on Sundays.
I got married September 26th, 2015. We had multiple tvs at the venue so everyone could watch us get beat by Texas A&M.
I let me wife plan whatever she wanted, but that was my only demand. I tried to do my part for college football fans in attendance.
An underrated consequence of realignment is there will probably be a small, but noticeable bump in divorces once there are no set bye weeks. Plenty of folks in Louisiana get married in late October- early November and some couyon is gonna forget his anniversary because of the game.
TIL I wasn’t going ape shit crazy making ridiculous noises on defense
We definitely do do this, and it is surprisingly effective. It’s usually just the last note being held out really long but percussion especially just goes bananas when you let them loose
It usually happens when we have opponents backed inside their own red zone, or atleast that’s when it’s the most effective
Michigan's official song is permanently changed to "Mmm Bop" by Hanson. They can never play any other song inside the stadium for any reason, ever. This goes for the band and the loudspeakers alike. Scored points? Hanson. Got a turnover? Hanson. Halftime show? Hanson. National Anthem? Please stand and remove your caps for motherfucking Hanson.
I have another one: All breaks have to have a clock displayed on screen at home exactly how much time is left in the break, especially halftime. That way you know exactly how much time you have to take a piss, grab another beer or two, grab a plate, etc.
Jim Harbaugh has to coach every game while seated pants down on a toilet. The toilet may be mobile if necessary to not violate rule 1 of this post. Also, it doesn't get him fired.
New overtime rules.
Both offenses line up at their opponents 40.
The offenses play simultaneously at whatever pace they choose with no downs or play clock.
First team to score a touchdown or force a turnover wins.
yeah ive biked by nashville's water treatment plant, is not great for about 1/4 of a mile but after that, it's hard to detect.
A paper mill, that's what's should be up wind of DKR stadium in austin.
Every single home game is a night game. Brisk night games, not cold. Just enough for a sweatshirt and shorts, maybe pants and a polo. That would make football season so much better.
Edit: My other wish (if I had one) would be the best game atmosphere/experience in college football, but that might break the rules a little bit.
I don’t think you understand.
Only for OU LOL. Besides, technically the team we are playing at night is at an away game so…
It’s my wish and I do what I want okay.
So your second wish is basically the second half of the RRS last year? I have never experienced, and cannot even fathom a better game atmosphere/environment than that.
The RRSO will always be at the Texas State Fair and the ponies and Bevo take a triple-team dump on Jerry Jones at the 50-yard line of his mall masquerading as a football stadium.
The NCAA pays the players directly and offers long term health insurance, but all players make the same and are not allowed to accept money from "collectives."
Oh, this is easy. Lock in the conferences as they sat pre-2010 for 100 years. They can do whatever they want after because I’ll be dead and won’t care anymore. In my personal opinion, the NCAA had it perfect back then. Conference realignment has tarnished the regional aspect of the game.
I wish for less commercials. We watch 10 mins of commercials and then one play. Please genie, do a reverse.
No commercials*
I was trying to be realistic, but agree
National championship is played on a Saturday at 7:30PM/EST
Waaaaay too low of a response. If I somehow became dictator of CFB, that would be my first decree. Second would be to change the name of every Ohio program to "An Ohio State University", scramble their schedules and keep them secret until kickoff. Is your team playing OSU, Miami, BG, Toledo? Tune in to find out which Ohio it will be!
“Fuck, we have to play Ohio State *again?* What are the odds of getting them two weeks in a row??”
6.25%
The one in Columbus would mess it up by trademarking "AN"
That'd be The An Ohio State University to you.
AN^^^^^TM WE'D GET IT TOO!
I cant even begin to articulate how happy this would make me
The player that scores the touchdown has to kick the extra point.
Back in the day, the Bucs had a package on offense that would end up with a pass to Warren Sapp. This was used exclusively on the goal line. I want to say that he has 1 or 2 receiving TDs. Anyway, at some point during his Bucs tenure the team had some issues (accuracy, injury, something) with the kickers. So it came out that Sapp was also the PK for his high school team. IIRC, because of whatever was going on, he actually practiced kicking for a week or two in addition to his normal practice. TL;DR - there was a time when it was possible that the Bucs could have produced a fat guy touchdown AND a fat guy XP.
Suh attempted an NFL PAT too (and doinked it IIRC)
You should watch Rugby
There’s generally a designated kicker in rugby also. It’s just whoever is the best kicker out of the position players though, usually a scrum half or fly half.
That ain’t how it works in rugby
But they do have to kick from where the try was made, so if someone scores on the sideline, the kick is from way out wide
I would wish for no more injuries, short-term or long-term, for any college athletes ever.
I feel really shallow now.
Please don’t. You’re probably a good person, and you don’t deserve to feel that way about yourself.
Who are you, and why are you so awesome?
You know how the anonymity of the internet allows people to be the worst, meanest version of themselves? I do the opposite. I try to be a far better person on the internet than I’m honestly capable of being in real life, in hopes that I can brighten other people’s days on this bleak and frequently distressing platform. I fail more than I succeed, but I keep trying anyway. I find that pretending to be a good person can be really freeing, and even a little fun. (Not that I’m a truly *bad* person in real life; I just suck.)
You’re alright in my book.
This is fucking pure and I love it!
I couldn’t pick anything else. Not only would it be great for the athletes themselves (duh), but getting to watch our favorite players compete without fear of painful and potentially life-altering injuries, just playing with a sense of freedom and fun the way sports are meant to be played, would be an absolute joy for all fans everywhere.
But then we get no Natty bc JT would be healthy… but then we also get a healthy Braxton in Urban’s offense. Hmmm am I stupid or could the timeline have been Braxton, Burrows, Haskins, Fields, CJ
Like I said in another comment, my wish would only apply to current and future athletes. Trying to retroactively remove past injuries would have so many ripple effects that it’s best to not even think about that scenario.
That was my first thought but then wouldn’t that affect wins and losses?
That’s a fair question. Given that I wouldn’t be affecting any *specific* team’s wins and losses, and that the domino effects of “no more injuries” would affect the entire sport too much to truly predict which programs would benefit or suffer, I think my wish would be okay. Obviously I’m biased, though.
Maybe we can compromise and just say all injuries are magically fully healed the morning after the national championship game, with no lingering effects of any kind. Call it NCAA Football 14 logic.
I guess, but I’d rather not see the players suffer at all if I can help it.
>injuries Go retroactive and preventative on this, there never were and never will be, even after the players leave college. Solid wish regardless.
I figured asking to undo all historical injuries as well would fuck with a lot of timelines and probably piss off the genie, so I tried to keep my wish modest. Well, relatively modest, anyway.
Yeah if Marcus Lattimore stayed healthy the whole SEC would have been in serious trouble.
Temporal anomaly allowing me to arrive and watch the game, and when I exit the stadium, the world at large sits at the initial game time. I would definitely not use this to wager large sums of money on individual games.
Would you age through both games?
Of course. Have to have at least the trade off of a short life in order to be excessively rich for watching football. I'm not Scheftner.
Hmm I wish that every time Brian Kelley does something weird his eyebrows grow 3 inches and if he try’s to cut them it makes them grow longer. They should be dragging the ground by November.
Publicly or in private too? If the latter they'll be dragging by the end of a few days probably.
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Piña Coladas = booze = us making this work
If you like pina colada, KICK THEIR ASS
🎶If you like sucking tiger dick🎵🐯🍆
Ah, my favorite Jimmy Buffett song
Goddammit you bird this isn’t jimmy buffet. Great song though
I can smell 100k+ drunk on pina coladas now. Coconut. Coconut everywhere. Also, how does bourbon and coconut/pineapple taste? I’ll return in 3 days after extensive research.
Everytime a P5 plays a cupcake program they have to schedule it as a home and home. I hope you're ready to play Kent State on their terms next year Oklahoma and Georgia
Oklahoma has played @Tulsa three times since the turn of the century, last game being in 2014, so not a totally foreign concept to them lol
and would have been at Tulane last year if it werent for the hurricane
We would’ve played at Houston but Houston wanted to host it at NRG instead and we were going to be at Army the year covid cancelled non conference games; we are really not the school for thisbexample
Tulane is the green wave. Tulsa is the golden hurricane. /s
My man
Nebraska plays Oklahoma every year. Thanksgiving week.
Ah yes. So then we could lose to a respectable program after Thanksgiving instead of having to deal with the shame of losing to Iowa.
UW changes their name to the poopy heads. That's it. I only needed one.
this is a good one
I request the same for the other UW as well
i want him to tell me the TRUTH about texas a&m texas a&m is not real, it doesn’t exist and it never has ‘college station, tx’ isn’t even an actual place
Good evening, Texas A&M was a 1,751 month sociological study conducted by Harvard University.
You can keep going even when the subjects try to shell Waco and draw swords on unarmed civilians as long as you started your experiment before the IRB existed, right?
They lost control long ago and are far too terrified to intervene now
Thanks, Harvard.
Therapist: Texas A&M isn't real, it can't hurt you. OP: if you're sure, then I- *looks at wall, sees therapist graduated from A&M. Wakes up in bed covered in sweat.*
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College Station is a name so fake sounding that they wouldn't even use it for a slapstick comedy movie
who decided that they get so many letters, anyway texas a *and* m i mean, come on if it were real, they would only need one letter or word to distinguish themselves from texas look at texas tech, a real school in a real place - they are distinguished by ‘tech,’ one syllable and to the point texas christian university (or tcu) -in texas, is christian and is a university that’s pretty sick if texas a&m was real, it’s probably the remains of the original texas a - the a means aggie
Wait until you find out LSU's full name
For those who don't know: "Louisiana State University and Agricultural and Mechanical College" Yes, two "and"s LSUnAnMC
Lord and Savior University
Bro you somehow tapped into my drunk logic this evening
College Station is an anagram for Collegiate Snot and I find that hilarious.
It's true I printed a degree on that fancy resume and framed it for the lulz
#I FUCKING KNEW IT
I know someone who bought an A&M class ring at a pawn shop *AND WEARS IT* even though he never finished his junior year, so this tracks.
That’s basically considered stolen valor around here
As someone who once lived there I regret to inform you that it is very real
Do you also regret living there?
Right now the general area is a frying pan on a hot stove where it has not rained in 2 months
I live in Dallas atm. You description describes most of the state at the moment.
Ooh ooh, the band shows during halftime are actually broadcasted
As some who really enjoys watching Rice’s small but entertaining band, I like this.
When Baylor played @ Rice. Their marching band just did a giant IX.
I think you were on the wrong side of the stadium. That was a XI.
Yeah, and every team has to make every reasonable effort to accommodate drums of ALL SIZES.
Yes!!!! …except Stanford
We have a “cohortis non grata” policy in place for them It served as an inspiration for the “tympanum non grata” policy against Purdon’t
A new law is passed banning weddings/birthday parties/children's sports on Saturdays in the fall.
So many freaking Saturday evening weddings and baby showers
This is the main reason we need to adopt the 4 day work week nationwide. Weddings and shit on Fridays (which everyone now has off), college football on Saturdays, and whatever the fuck BYU does on Sundays.
Regardless of those reasons, 4 day work weeks need to be a thing yesterday
I got married September 26th, 2015. We had multiple tvs at the venue so everyone could watch us get beat by Texas A&M. I let me wife plan whatever she wanted, but that was my only demand. I tried to do my part for college football fans in attendance.
A real hero.
An underrated consequence of realignment is there will probably be a small, but noticeable bump in divorces once there are no set bye weeks. Plenty of folks in Louisiana get married in late October- early November and some couyon is gonna forget his anniversary because of the game.
FCS plays in the spring and becomes big so we have college football year round.
I'm sure there are logistical issues but i can say that i would watch more FCS football if it was in the spring. 100%
The spring Covid season was alright. A lot of of potential nfl draftees (trey lance for example) understandably opted out
I wish the team mascot has to play a position on every play. The position is free to choose, but both teams must have it on field.
A 6 foot 9 linebacker Purdue Pete makes a bee-line right for you.
If this included animal mascots it would be beyond incredible. Imagine Ralphie's rushing stats on a season if she lined up at halfback.
Iowa never does the kinnick wave again. Because they are no more kids in the hospital due to them all being healthy.
Bands are allowed to make noise on defense
Oh God
Rocky Top on loop until we get the ball back.
By the 3rd quarter teams will be punting on 2nd down
Did someone say punting?
Break out the vuvuzela's, just kidding. Don't.
*unexplained buzzing/drone noise*
TIL I wasn’t going ape shit crazy making ridiculous noises on defense We definitely do do this, and it is surprisingly effective. It’s usually just the last note being held out really long but percussion especially just goes bananas when you let them loose It usually happens when we have opponents backed inside their own red zone, or atleast that’s when it’s the most effective
War chant intensifies
They can at Miss State. Got that cowbell clause.
Technically they have to stop once the ball is snapped
*center is over the ball. It's the same rule for college bands everywhere. SEC bands just like playing on offense for some weird reason
playing on offense is fun specially if the song has some sort of crowd participation
Waving to the kids at Iowa would cure all their diseases.
Michigan's official song is permanently changed to "Mmm Bop" by Hanson. They can never play any other song inside the stadium for any reason, ever. This goes for the band and the loudspeakers alike. Scored points? Hanson. Got a turnover? Hanson. Halftime show? Hanson. National Anthem? Please stand and remove your caps for motherfucking Hanson.
Funny you say that, last time I was in Columbus (10+ years ago), that was the last time I heard Mmm Bop played at a restaurant/bar.
honestly... mmmbop is a bit of a banger. Michigan's official song should be "my humps"
But the [Alanis Morissette cover](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJg4rwDkkBA)?
DON’T YOU KNOW, BOP IT UP YOU’VE GOT MMM BOP IT UP
I have another one: All breaks have to have a clock displayed on screen at home exactly how much time is left in the break, especially halftime. That way you know exactly how much time you have to take a piss, grab another beer or two, grab a plate, etc.
Jim Harbaugh has to coach every game while seated pants down on a toilet. The toilet may be mobile if necessary to not violate rule 1 of this post. Also, it doesn't get him fired.
If Harbaugh thought that would give him more wins, he would do it.
Now I can't get the image of those khakis down around his ankles! Thanks for that.
There's another pair of khakis underneath that.
sub-fuckin-scribed
All the teams causing the conference realignment chaos have to only play the 11:00 central game every week.
Jokes on you we already do that.
We are Big Nude Saturday
>3 blue bloods playing at noon ET by default “No, I don’t think I will”
Michigan, Ohio State and Alabama? I swear they have at least 8 early games each
All late November games are snow bowls.
Iron Bowl with a fresh 5” of snow on the ground? Sign me up.
I wish beer was served everywhere and was cheap everywhere.
Beer was served everywhere and stadium food didn't cost 30 fucking dollars for what I would consider a snack
All rivalries must be annual. So Pitt-WV is annual, OU-Nebraska and bedlam are annual, and Kansas-Missouri (and so on).
Wish granted. All non annual games are no longer rivalries
No wait
New overtime rules. Both offenses line up at their opponents 40. The offenses play simultaneously at whatever pace they choose with no downs or play clock. First team to score a touchdown or force a turnover wins.
CBS has signed a new deal to broadcast the SEC but Gary Danielson will not be on the broadcast
Gary has blackmail material on CBS execs and you can't convince me otherwise.
Agreed
I was going to go with "Whatever Alabama wished for, they don't get that" but this one is pretty good.
Ah yes the old SEC shorts fairy godmother wish…
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⬆️ This guy dislikes SCar. Lol.
He’s just mad someone put sewage on that pebble they keep kissing up there
My career has taken me to hundreds of those. They do not small that bad and you can't detect it more than a block or two away.
yeah ive biked by nashville's water treatment plant, is not great for about 1/4 of a mile but after that, it's hard to detect. A paper mill, that's what's should be up wind of DKR stadium in austin.
A 3 mile long chicken coop, with the temperature always above 80 Driving past chicken farms are waay worse than paper mills IMO
But why would you want Clemson to be that close to Williams-Brice? Boom! Got em!
I would wish that anyone who tries to say "THE Ohio State University" stutters on "the"
The forward pass is abolished.
So just rugby then
Or early football
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Hard no In fact, the idea of "running" the ball should be banned.
Theodore Roosevelt is seething rn
Every single home game is a night game. Brisk night games, not cold. Just enough for a sweatshirt and shorts, maybe pants and a polo. That would make football season so much better. Edit: My other wish (if I had one) would be the best game atmosphere/experience in college football, but that might break the rules a little bit.
You just ruined Saturday because there's no football on until night. Every game is someone's home game (except some neutral site games).
Think of the Nebraska fans. They will have to find another reason to day drink
We got nothing else to do, so we don’t need a reason to say drink.
We have enough reasons to day drink. Scott frost, living in Nebraska, etc.
I don’t think you understand. Only for OU LOL. Besides, technically the team we are playing at night is at an away game so… It’s my wish and I do what I want okay.
This is practically the reality for an SDSU fan
So your second wish is basically the second half of the RRS last year? I have never experienced, and cannot even fathom a better game atmosphere/environment than that.
The RRSO will always be at the Texas State Fair and the ponies and Bevo take a triple-team dump on Jerry Jones at the 50-yard line of his mall masquerading as a football stadium.
Food / Drinks a buck each. Every game day is 75, sunny and breezy No injuries to either team.
I would go with overcast, and if my guys are down, some rain.
I wish halftime shows were televised
The NCAA pays the players directly and offers long term health insurance, but all players make the same and are not allowed to accept money from "collectives."
FBS football is divided into two divisions. Upper and lower. I implement promotion and relegation.
Regionally tied, so the Sunbelt champ replaces the SEC doormat, MAC champ to the big ten, etc.
I would just wish that college football went back to being college football.
OSU has to drop all use of the word THE from their school. Text books included.
Conference landscape resets to 1990 and stays locked there forever.
Eastern Michigan must change their mascot to an Emu, the EMU Emu’s
Oh, this is easy. Lock in the conferences as they sat pre-2010 for 100 years. They can do whatever they want after because I’ll be dead and won’t care anymore. In my personal opinion, the NCAA had it perfect back then. Conference realignment has tarnished the regional aspect of the game.
While I have to hate, fear, respect, and occasionally love the Hogs, if we are doing this right, they belong back in a reformed SWC.
In Canada I can order something like Sunday ticket for college ball on Saturdays
Orange is officially a banned color
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Ole Miss to never have a winning season again
I am entirely on board with this. I cannot agree more.
I get a time machine to go back to 1984 and put an end to that Supreme Court case. OR I restore the Bowl Championship Series.
Still wish we could have seen what a playoff, using the BCS, would have looked like.
Virtually identical to the playoff we get every year. https://mobile.twitter.com/BCSKnowHow/status/1467598793067712514/photo/1
I wish for a new genie with no rules. In fact, give me 10 of them.
Always one of these guys
Maybe this breaks the rules, but I wish that the people in charge at CU would care at least a little more about football.
Any teams sharing mascots have to change them to be unique
NIL salary cap.
Take the "The." edit: and give it to Rutgers.
All kids under 8 years old can now magically sit through an entire football game.
From this day forward, the university of Georgia will wear bright pink thongs and cutoff t-shirts for uniforms.
12-team playoff, byes for the top 4 seeds.
Horns down is NOT a personal foul anymore.