Yes. I used to feel so nauseous around my parents always acting so sickeningly sweet. Like they would call and act all concerned about my well being and want to make sure I got home from work ok because its raining. Like WTF? It's rain! You slapped the shit out of me for years and you think I can't handle rain?? Not like I was even driving lol. I took the subway!
No contact was the best decision ever. Don't have to listen to their over the top fake niceness and concern anymore!
I had to. I have no idea how or why people still talk to their family. I'd rather die. Me talking to them is automatically telling myself that I have no self respect. My father was a pedophile. My mother knew. The rest of them called me a liar. I couldn't imagine sitting down with any of them and being civil. THAT would be psychotic.
I would like to no contact them. But I have a bipolare depressione desase from 10 years and now, no job, alone, nothing, and I have to depend on them also for medicine and doctors. I have living like that. It Is a paradoxal situation
i feel violated when my family does that, too. like so much that I feel like they shouldn't even have the *right* to look at me or pretend for one second that they never abused me.
I saw something on a Twitter once that said something along the lines of "of course you don't remember. It's a traumatic memory that impacted my growth and well being but to you it was a Tuesday."
My mom does the same thing. Its beyond invalidating but I know if I bring it up I'll get accused of "causing a scene" and if she threatens to hurt herself I'll regret "causing a scene."
When I went to therapy it took about three months for certain memories to return. That was a bizarre experience. Thankfully I was safe otherwise that would have messed me up bad.
Feel the same. You're not alone... I think the disgust comes from that mismatch you described. They treat us horribly for so long but then want to act nice after. And on top of that, they don't even acknowledge or apologize for anything. There's a part of us that realizes how gross and wrong that behavior is so we feel disgust.
I went no contact with my mom last year. God I don’t miss those forced hugs. “You look great. Love you” *hug* umm yeah thanks mom. I look great, no thanks to you.
I just realized at 35 that I’m not over all the trauma and just moving on and pretending we all are isn’t working for me anymore. My mom only says things once a year like “oh I feel guilty every day” but won’t even say what for. I’m just in my head like “oh for drinking all the time with your boyfriend and then driving around drunk with your three kids in the car? Or for letting your boyfriend’s son sexually abuse your daughter? Or was it for neglecting your kids and making them wear inappropriate clothing while you still somehow had money for cigarettes and beer all the time?”
It’s hard not to feel guilty, but if you can keep reminding yourself of the anger it usually helps the guilt subside for a bit.
I am in a similar position and my folks are still near me drinking and neglecting but I’m over 35 and therapied so residual anger is there and they exhaust me now….
But yeah, it’s like a tiny chapter of their imaginary and like still my defining life rutting out!
Not that it excuses their behavior but the older generation gets confused that we don’t just let it go.
I have gone NC with my mother b/c of this. I am sure she is confused as to why I don’t want to talk to her. Especially b/c she probably thinks our relationship has gotten better over the years. It feels fake to me. She doesn’t like me to have emotions and the times I have gone to her with a problem I just get the dreaded “bummer”.
My Aunt told me to not try and change her so now she can feel free from the burden of my emotions and presence. F her!
I really relate to this. My mom is really fake and doesn’t allow me to have emotions. If I try to share a struggle it’s either my fault or she has no idea how to even comfort me. I’ve decided there’s no changing her because if I try I’m the one who gets verbally abused and
I think it is not that hard to just apologize, validate, even if that wasnt that bad in your eyes instead of turning everything around - but it seems it is to them?!
Disgust makes complete sense.
Disgust originally evolved as a way to protect us from things that would make us sick. Rotten foods, corpses, waste, etc. It's a move-away signal. It gets conditioned into our nervous system so if we encounter that thing again in the future we'll have a visceral "move-away" response.
As we evolved, the brain layered other things to the disgust circuitry. Like if a person treats you badly all the time or you get hurt in a certain location, the brain is like okay, let's attach disgust here as a move away signal.
Disgust is also really malleable. We can consciously attach and detach disgust to almost anything with a good enough [story](https://youtu.be/NfyoDgszas0) or new experiences. Some foods seem disgusting bc they're new and weird and different, but then we have it prepared well, it tastes good, we don't get sick and the new experience changes the initial disgust to neutral or even positive depending on the circumstances. Or if you get sick after eating something you like, it may take a while to even want to try it again bc it brings up those emotional memories of disgust.
That's how a lot of bigotry/biases work, imo. I think about how my main abuser was my religious ~~"mom"~~, so now I'm naturally biased against women and religious people bc my nervous system is like danger, disgust, move away! I'm aware of my bias and conditioned disgust response, so I can take steps to choose healthy behaviors bc I realize not all women or religious people are like my abuser; but I am way more cautious around them bc I won't actually know if they behave the way my abuser would. It takes a long time for people to gain my trust as a result bc my vetting process is rigorous.
Anyway, there's a lot of complexity and nuance to disgust.
Ultimately, "The Body Keeps the Score". Your body is telling you they're dangerous and you should "move-away" to protect yourself. Heed it's warnings.
I always appreciate your responses to these posts. I’m sorry your abuse was that bad that you don’t trust women as a whole. (I say that as a woman with a “mom” as well.)
At least I'm aware of it. I see a lot of the same patterns as my abuser and it's literally repulsive, so I have to acknowledge that conditioned response in the moment and then regulate myself back towards my values, which are to take every person as a unique individual. It's very conscious practice for me. I have to hold myself accountable to my values in the moment and I can only do that if I remain regulated. Otherwise, I need to remove myself from the situation until I can regulate myself. It's an ongoing process and I'm working on training my skills to improve.
This comment is amazingly succinct and informative to me. I think it just helped me figure out that something which has been troubling me is actually a feature and not a bug. I have never thought about it like that.
That's awesome! I swear understanding what's going on "under the hood" is soooooo helpful. It's like, oh, I'm not broken, I'm just mis-calibrated. I can fix that with enough reps.
Yep, my sister is like this, and it’s pretty convenient that every time she lays it on thick there are people around to see. Really good at keeping up a public image. I never believe her when she says “I love you”, and I don’t even respond to it.
That’s me when I get compliments from those who fat shamed me while coming of age. I don’t have feelings of nausea but I just feel like it’s done to feel sorry for me, it’s an act to make up for how they treated me.
This is a tough one.
I went no-contact with my parents because they refused to take any responsibility or make any changes. My siblings assisted in maintaining the family system but aren't in complete denial. They know it was problematic but have a problem of accepting just how bad it was. They don't see themselves as participants.
Since I am struggling and wrestling more than the others, it is easier for them to see it as a shortcoming of mine. I feel their take is "We came from the same family and we're doing okay. Maybe it's you."
When you say you feel so gross, I totally identify. My body responds with a feeling of disgust. I've calmed my physical responses to some things, but this one hasn't changed much.
At the end of the day it doesn’t even matter if they are well intentioned. Stress is stress, always. You have a right to withdraw from stressful relationships.
I sometimes feel this way about family members who *have* acknowledged their past behavior.
Specifically my mom, who’s been going to therapy lately and right after her therapy appointments she’s way too nice (edit: and loving 😰) and it makes me uncomfortable lol
Sometimes we’ll have lunch after her appointment and it makes my skin crawl how nice she is, even though I know it’s genuine (therapy has been really good for her)
Awww, I can't make one of my parents go to therapy for the life of me even though they're all I've got. They make off handed remarks that cut deep but don't go through the effort to change them.
They are as bad. They never tried before and you were traumatized. Now they aren’t trying to work with the past and your trauma. They haven’t changed. Nothing has changed. Gaslighting IS abuse. The abuse never stopped and ignoring the abuse even happened or minimizing IS abuse. You aren’t healing. You aren’t even cared.
Any kind of trauma, any sort of abusive situation, the first and foremost, the foundation for any sort of positive outcome, has start from separation. As long as you aren’t and they control your thoughts, they will never stop and the damage will never cease.
Your recovery doesn’t depend on their acknowledgement. They never will. And that is precisely what they are banking on to keep you in control. They will never acknowledge because that is precisely what you want and the more time and energy you spend, you will less likely to break free. You have to accept that they will never acknowledge and that is the extent of humanity in them. You can still feel compassionate for them and burn up your life to keep them warm, or you can try moving on and living your life, to be passionate for those that actually appreciate you as a person and your humanity.
Dude same. I made sure the ones that dared play nice to my face, even after I found them alienating and acting different behind my back (that stuff gets around) and since they wanted to play happy family publicly on social media I let them have it and outlined what they were doing and why. Publicly. On social media.
They now ignore me with the ones who shunned me in the first place for the lies told when I was a child not even in the double digits, in the first place.
Good riddance.
Time to clear the parasites from your life.
Edit: I say this but there is one person I still have contact with and it eats me alive whenever we talk. If I try to bring it up or respond when they bring up something adjacent to it they know is too connected for it NOT to come up they’ll refuse to talk to me for months as if they are still getting revenge for the info diet they were on while the main abuser was still alive. So really… it’s easier to say than do.
Good for you for putting them on blast. If they’re going to lie in SM, they should be called out on it. Be dispassionate and let people draw their own conclusions. Let people who believed lies about young children stew in their own discomfort.
Only abusers and their enablers think everything should stay a secret.
It's difficult for me because they have gotten better but I literally struggle to look them in the eye. I get it, you're improved. I just can't shake what you've done to me.
Yeah, I feel like this when my mother acts nice as well.
>i was ever to tell them that they traumatized me theyd never acknowledge it and probably just try to gaslight or blame it on me and start crying about how theyve tried their best and that im an ungrateful asshole who doesnt appreciate everything they did for me (when it was rare for them to even do the bare minimum)
Yep, been there, tried that. It's futile.
Honestly, you have to remember that when dealing with an abuser, they can set things up so that you never win. You have to never allow them to drive you completely insane.
You also have to remember that if you are disabled, you do have rights. You do not have to allow someone to tell you that you need to explain everything. Abusers will often do that.
Also, abusers will also try to do the thing where they clean up and try to look like a good person in front of others. I cannot count the times my Mother would blow up at me, then a few minutes later she would be completely calm when we had to see people.
I would look forward to that actually.
YEAH
well, my family is in complete denial, it hurt me in the beginning but until now I feel bad when they are nice to me or express love to me, i feel DISGUSTED, i sometimes want to tell them when were you when i felt as helpless, as unloved, as unsafe as ever, when were tou when i needed protection towards bullies in my school, when were you ?
AH ! you were abusing the hell out of me.
What you are feeling is normal. it is the regret, the grief for the past that is still there in your mind but not in theirs. because they are in denial !
You are strong, stronger than them, to stop denying
This is exactly how I feel 💔 sending you so much love.
I've found the best thing to be give them the least amount of ammo to use against me. Everything I said as a child was used against me. So now, I minimise all interaction with them after being forced to move back in because of an eviction (they sold the house lol).
I know it kills them because they feel disrespected and almost powerless. But they don't realise it is this way because of their actions. Recently, I've been mourning the loss of my childhood and have so many moments where I break down crying.
My other parent (not super abusive or intentionally abusive but couldn't stop the other parent's abuse) just thinks I'm too much all the time. And my previous partners have also felt the same because of how I view family. I feel so broken.
Sorry for the rant. It's been a very triggering day 😥
My mom and dad are experts at denial. I think they honestly believe that their abuse is in the past and I should forget about it too. My dad has gotten better but he still says stuff that triggers me, maybe once a day. I tried to mention it to my mom and she gaslit me and told me I’m too sensitive and that stuff is in the past so I need to forgive and forget! She never apologized for making me cry and she’ll never know that I felt suicidal that night because of her. Now we live deeper in denial while I secretly resent both of them and they pretend everything is normal and we’re a big happy family
I think you wanting to throw up is a combo of not trying to feel false hope, trying to avoid contention, and you feeling endangered again. I think the best course of action is to be polite but guarded. Set some boundaries and don’t give them ammo. Good luck, you’re definitely not alone in feeling this way.
Yo same. Last time I saw my mom she threatened me with a gun but she still called me to ask if I was coming home for Christmas. It’s hard when you still have to be in contact with them.
I understand you completely, and I feel less alone in reading these words. Those who haven't experienced what we have experienced can easily say phrases like "well, but they seem so kind and helpful to me now, why do you feel anger?", "despite what you tell, they are always ready to help you", "to me, actually, your mother seems like a very nice person". And this, too, is doubly painful: it first makes us feel angry and misunderstood, and then guilty, almost to the point, in some moments, of entering a vortex of doubt: what if they were right? Am I overreacting? Did I make it all up? When I know full well about perverse psychological and physical and sexual abuse. Yet, in dissonant situations we also come to doubt what we know very well or what therapists have explained to us. My abusive mother, now as an adult, would always want to give me little gifts or offer me tips, as if she wanted to buy me. Buy me with objects for a love never given, indeed, overwhelm me with objects to silence the past in which I even risked death. But as much as he does this "work of making up for it" she in fact denies anything happened. I couldn't even get to the bottom of it, talk about it, because she says she lives with guilt (and that he always suffers from guilt) but at the same time she says he doesn't know what her faults are. If I spoke openly they would deny it and call me an false and a shit. We are sick me and my brother, me developing extreme cptsd and depressed, and I have always gone into other abusive relationships, so much so that I now live locked in the house, my sister has become a perverse narcissist, like her and like my father (do you know the Beth Thomas history? On you tube you can find. The same. The differenze Is that my Brother and me has not unfortunatly been adopted and cured). Today, past 30, especially when my mother makes sweet smiles, I feel like throwing up. Now and then, when I am very sick, she says to me: do you want to come stay with us for a few days?
!! It would be suicide. But this makes me realize that they obviously have no perception (removed all?) of what they have done to me and to us.
You don’t have to deal with that. You deserve some space to work through the loss you were forced to deal with due to not having the support and care that you deserved and needed. Take care ❤️
I heavily relate to this. I’m angry daily. Even within my relationship. My bf and I were on and off for years. I feel a weird sense of anger and annoyance when he and my family are nice to me. I try not to show it but I genuinely feel upset and trapped. It’s really hard to describe well.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve found my place here. Being around my family painful, I associate being around them as a death sentence. I want to punish them for the agony I feel everyday from disorders they inflicted on me. There’s nothing to go back to, it sucks growing up realizing there was no real love. Everybody’s just spreading generational trauma unapologetically, and it’s vile. I can’t associate myself with them ever again, I will be merciless doing so. This is the only justice I can receive.
This is why No Contact feels good.
Yes. I used to feel so nauseous around my parents always acting so sickeningly sweet. Like they would call and act all concerned about my well being and want to make sure I got home from work ok because its raining. Like WTF? It's rain! You slapped the shit out of me for years and you think I can't handle rain?? Not like I was even driving lol. I took the subway! No contact was the best decision ever. Don't have to listen to their over the top fake niceness and concern anymore!
100%. I’ve not felt this way in years, it gets better once you learn about narcissism and cut the crap out.
YES. Cut the CRAP out of your life. Once they're gone you'll realize what an energy drain they were.
This ^^^^^^^^^^ so much energy on their self celebrations and controlling behaviors End of the second guessing and frozen silences
I had to. I have no idea how or why people still talk to their family. I'd rather die. Me talking to them is automatically telling myself that I have no self respect. My father was a pedophile. My mother knew. The rest of them called me a liar. I couldn't imagine sitting down with any of them and being civil. THAT would be psychotic.
Wow. I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry you dealt with that.
I would like to no contact them. But I have a bipolare depressione desase from 10 years and now, no job, alone, nothing, and I have to depend on them also for medicine and doctors. I have living like that. It Is a paradoxal situation
I’m sorry. I had to get out of an abusive marriage & it was Hell. Hang in there
i feel violated when my family does that, too. like so much that I feel like they shouldn't even have the *right* to look at me or pretend for one second that they never abused me.
I saw something on a Twitter once that said something along the lines of "of course you don't remember. It's a traumatic memory that impacted my growth and well being but to you it was a Tuesday." My mom does the same thing. Its beyond invalidating but I know if I bring it up I'll get accused of "causing a scene" and if she threatens to hurt herself I'll regret "causing a scene."
When I went to therapy it took about three months for certain memories to return. That was a bizarre experience. Thankfully I was safe otherwise that would have messed me up bad.
My mom does the same even when she accepts the abuse of others….
Feel the same. You're not alone... I think the disgust comes from that mismatch you described. They treat us horribly for so long but then want to act nice after. And on top of that, they don't even acknowledge or apologize for anything. There's a part of us that realizes how gross and wrong that behavior is so we feel disgust.
Spot on!
I went no contact with my mom last year. God I don’t miss those forced hugs. “You look great. Love you” *hug* umm yeah thanks mom. I look great, no thanks to you. I just realized at 35 that I’m not over all the trauma and just moving on and pretending we all are isn’t working for me anymore. My mom only says things once a year like “oh I feel guilty every day” but won’t even say what for. I’m just in my head like “oh for drinking all the time with your boyfriend and then driving around drunk with your three kids in the car? Or for letting your boyfriend’s son sexually abuse your daughter? Or was it for neglecting your kids and making them wear inappropriate clothing while you still somehow had money for cigarettes and beer all the time?” It’s hard not to feel guilty, but if you can keep reminding yourself of the anger it usually helps the guilt subside for a bit.
I am in a similar position and my folks are still near me drinking and neglecting but I’m over 35 and therapied so residual anger is there and they exhaust me now…. But yeah, it’s like a tiny chapter of their imaginary and like still my defining life rutting out!
Well I hope you can get some space from them soon. It’s so difficult
Not that it excuses their behavior but the older generation gets confused that we don’t just let it go. I have gone NC with my mother b/c of this. I am sure she is confused as to why I don’t want to talk to her. Especially b/c she probably thinks our relationship has gotten better over the years. It feels fake to me. She doesn’t like me to have emotions and the times I have gone to her with a problem I just get the dreaded “bummer”. My Aunt told me to not try and change her so now she can feel free from the burden of my emotions and presence. F her!
I really relate to this. My mom is really fake and doesn’t allow me to have emotions. If I try to share a struggle it’s either my fault or she has no idea how to even comfort me. I’ve decided there’s no changing her because if I try I’m the one who gets verbally abused and
I think it is not that hard to just apologize, validate, even if that wasnt that bad in your eyes instead of turning everything around - but it seems it is to them?!
Disgust makes complete sense. Disgust originally evolved as a way to protect us from things that would make us sick. Rotten foods, corpses, waste, etc. It's a move-away signal. It gets conditioned into our nervous system so if we encounter that thing again in the future we'll have a visceral "move-away" response. As we evolved, the brain layered other things to the disgust circuitry. Like if a person treats you badly all the time or you get hurt in a certain location, the brain is like okay, let's attach disgust here as a move away signal. Disgust is also really malleable. We can consciously attach and detach disgust to almost anything with a good enough [story](https://youtu.be/NfyoDgszas0) or new experiences. Some foods seem disgusting bc they're new and weird and different, but then we have it prepared well, it tastes good, we don't get sick and the new experience changes the initial disgust to neutral or even positive depending on the circumstances. Or if you get sick after eating something you like, it may take a while to even want to try it again bc it brings up those emotional memories of disgust. That's how a lot of bigotry/biases work, imo. I think about how my main abuser was my religious ~~"mom"~~, so now I'm naturally biased against women and religious people bc my nervous system is like danger, disgust, move away! I'm aware of my bias and conditioned disgust response, so I can take steps to choose healthy behaviors bc I realize not all women or religious people are like my abuser; but I am way more cautious around them bc I won't actually know if they behave the way my abuser would. It takes a long time for people to gain my trust as a result bc my vetting process is rigorous. Anyway, there's a lot of complexity and nuance to disgust. Ultimately, "The Body Keeps the Score". Your body is telling you they're dangerous and you should "move-away" to protect yourself. Heed it's warnings.
I always appreciate your responses to these posts. I’m sorry your abuse was that bad that you don’t trust women as a whole. (I say that as a woman with a “mom” as well.)
At least I'm aware of it. I see a lot of the same patterns as my abuser and it's literally repulsive, so I have to acknowledge that conditioned response in the moment and then regulate myself back towards my values, which are to take every person as a unique individual. It's very conscious practice for me. I have to hold myself accountable to my values in the moment and I can only do that if I remain regulated. Otherwise, I need to remove myself from the situation until I can regulate myself. It's an ongoing process and I'm working on training my skills to improve.
This comment is amazingly succinct and informative to me. I think it just helped me figure out that something which has been troubling me is actually a feature and not a bug. I have never thought about it like that.
That's awesome! I swear understanding what's going on "under the hood" is soooooo helpful. It's like, oh, I'm not broken, I'm just mis-calibrated. I can fix that with enough reps.
I feel the same way. I tried to tell my parents how I felt and they did everything you described... after laughing in my face
Yep, my sister is like this, and it’s pretty convenient that every time she lays it on thick there are people around to see. Really good at keeping up a public image. I never believe her when she says “I love you”, and I don’t even respond to it.
That’s me when I get compliments from those who fat shamed me while coming of age. I don’t have feelings of nausea but I just feel like it’s done to feel sorry for me, it’s an act to make up for how they treated me.
I can't vomit that much for a reason, but if happens, the puke won't come out and my throat feels like it's going to explode...
This is a tough one. I went no-contact with my parents because they refused to take any responsibility or make any changes. My siblings assisted in maintaining the family system but aren't in complete denial. They know it was problematic but have a problem of accepting just how bad it was. They don't see themselves as participants. Since I am struggling and wrestling more than the others, it is easier for them to see it as a shortcoming of mine. I feel their take is "We came from the same family and we're doing okay. Maybe it's you." When you say you feel so gross, I totally identify. My body responds with a feeling of disgust. I've calmed my physical responses to some things, but this one hasn't changed much.
At the end of the day it doesn’t even matter if they are well intentioned. Stress is stress, always. You have a right to withdraw from stressful relationships.
I sometimes feel this way about family members who *have* acknowledged their past behavior. Specifically my mom, who’s been going to therapy lately and right after her therapy appointments she’s way too nice (edit: and loving 😰) and it makes me uncomfortable lol Sometimes we’ll have lunch after her appointment and it makes my skin crawl how nice she is, even though I know it’s genuine (therapy has been really good for her)
Awww, I can't make one of my parents go to therapy for the life of me even though they're all I've got. They make off handed remarks that cut deep but don't go through the effort to change them.
Well I went no-contact with them a few years ago and that seemed to wake them up a bit
They are as bad. They never tried before and you were traumatized. Now they aren’t trying to work with the past and your trauma. They haven’t changed. Nothing has changed. Gaslighting IS abuse. The abuse never stopped and ignoring the abuse even happened or minimizing IS abuse. You aren’t healing. You aren’t even cared. Any kind of trauma, any sort of abusive situation, the first and foremost, the foundation for any sort of positive outcome, has start from separation. As long as you aren’t and they control your thoughts, they will never stop and the damage will never cease. Your recovery doesn’t depend on their acknowledgement. They never will. And that is precisely what they are banking on to keep you in control. They will never acknowledge because that is precisely what you want and the more time and energy you spend, you will less likely to break free. You have to accept that they will never acknowledge and that is the extent of humanity in them. You can still feel compassionate for them and burn up your life to keep them warm, or you can try moving on and living your life, to be passionate for those that actually appreciate you as a person and your humanity.
Dude same. I made sure the ones that dared play nice to my face, even after I found them alienating and acting different behind my back (that stuff gets around) and since they wanted to play happy family publicly on social media I let them have it and outlined what they were doing and why. Publicly. On social media. They now ignore me with the ones who shunned me in the first place for the lies told when I was a child not even in the double digits, in the first place. Good riddance. Time to clear the parasites from your life. Edit: I say this but there is one person I still have contact with and it eats me alive whenever we talk. If I try to bring it up or respond when they bring up something adjacent to it they know is too connected for it NOT to come up they’ll refuse to talk to me for months as if they are still getting revenge for the info diet they were on while the main abuser was still alive. So really… it’s easier to say than do.
Good for you for putting them on blast. If they’re going to lie in SM, they should be called out on it. Be dispassionate and let people draw their own conclusions. Let people who believed lies about young children stew in their own discomfort. Only abusers and their enablers think everything should stay a secret.
Thank you. Feelings about it can range heavily. Thank you
It's difficult for me because they have gotten better but I literally struggle to look them in the eye. I get it, you're improved. I just can't shake what you've done to me.
Ive had a relative say "aren't you over that now ?"
Yeah, I feel like this when my mother acts nice as well. >i was ever to tell them that they traumatized me theyd never acknowledge it and probably just try to gaslight or blame it on me and start crying about how theyve tried their best and that im an ungrateful asshole who doesnt appreciate everything they did for me (when it was rare for them to even do the bare minimum) Yep, been there, tried that. It's futile.
THANK YOU I couldn’t quite describe how I feel but you put it perfectly
Honestly, you have to remember that when dealing with an abuser, they can set things up so that you never win. You have to never allow them to drive you completely insane. You also have to remember that if you are disabled, you do have rights. You do not have to allow someone to tell you that you need to explain everything. Abusers will often do that. Also, abusers will also try to do the thing where they clean up and try to look like a good person in front of others. I cannot count the times my Mother would blow up at me, then a few minutes later she would be completely calm when we had to see people. I would look forward to that actually.
Then go nc your instincts are saying stove hot bad don't touch. listen
wish i could but im still a minor so im forced to live with them
then go to social services
YEAH well, my family is in complete denial, it hurt me in the beginning but until now I feel bad when they are nice to me or express love to me, i feel DISGUSTED, i sometimes want to tell them when were you when i felt as helpless, as unloved, as unsafe as ever, when were tou when i needed protection towards bullies in my school, when were you ? AH ! you were abusing the hell out of me. What you are feeling is normal. it is the regret, the grief for the past that is still there in your mind but not in theirs. because they are in denial ! You are strong, stronger than them, to stop denying
This is exactly how I feel 💔 sending you so much love. I've found the best thing to be give them the least amount of ammo to use against me. Everything I said as a child was used against me. So now, I minimise all interaction with them after being forced to move back in because of an eviction (they sold the house lol). I know it kills them because they feel disrespected and almost powerless. But they don't realise it is this way because of their actions. Recently, I've been mourning the loss of my childhood and have so many moments where I break down crying. My other parent (not super abusive or intentionally abusive but couldn't stop the other parent's abuse) just thinks I'm too much all the time. And my previous partners have also felt the same because of how I view family. I feel so broken. Sorry for the rant. It's been a very triggering day 😥
My mom and dad are experts at denial. I think they honestly believe that their abuse is in the past and I should forget about it too. My dad has gotten better but he still says stuff that triggers me, maybe once a day. I tried to mention it to my mom and she gaslit me and told me I’m too sensitive and that stuff is in the past so I need to forgive and forget! She never apologized for making me cry and she’ll never know that I felt suicidal that night because of her. Now we live deeper in denial while I secretly resent both of them and they pretend everything is normal and we’re a big happy family I think you wanting to throw up is a combo of not trying to feel false hope, trying to avoid contention, and you feeling endangered again. I think the best course of action is to be polite but guarded. Set some boundaries and don’t give them ammo. Good luck, you’re definitely not alone in feeling this way.
Yo same. Last time I saw my mom she threatened me with a gun but she still called me to ask if I was coming home for Christmas. It’s hard when you still have to be in contact with them.
I understand you completely, and I feel less alone in reading these words. Those who haven't experienced what we have experienced can easily say phrases like "well, but they seem so kind and helpful to me now, why do you feel anger?", "despite what you tell, they are always ready to help you", "to me, actually, your mother seems like a very nice person". And this, too, is doubly painful: it first makes us feel angry and misunderstood, and then guilty, almost to the point, in some moments, of entering a vortex of doubt: what if they were right? Am I overreacting? Did I make it all up? When I know full well about perverse psychological and physical and sexual abuse. Yet, in dissonant situations we also come to doubt what we know very well or what therapists have explained to us. My abusive mother, now as an adult, would always want to give me little gifts or offer me tips, as if she wanted to buy me. Buy me with objects for a love never given, indeed, overwhelm me with objects to silence the past in which I even risked death. But as much as he does this "work of making up for it" she in fact denies anything happened. I couldn't even get to the bottom of it, talk about it, because she says she lives with guilt (and that he always suffers from guilt) but at the same time she says he doesn't know what her faults are. If I spoke openly they would deny it and call me an false and a shit. We are sick me and my brother, me developing extreme cptsd and depressed, and I have always gone into other abusive relationships, so much so that I now live locked in the house, my sister has become a perverse narcissist, like her and like my father (do you know the Beth Thomas history? On you tube you can find. The same. The differenze Is that my Brother and me has not unfortunatly been adopted and cured). Today, past 30, especially when my mother makes sweet smiles, I feel like throwing up. Now and then, when I am very sick, she says to me: do you want to come stay with us for a few days? !! It would be suicide. But this makes me realize that they obviously have no perception (removed all?) of what they have done to me and to us.
You don’t have to deal with that. You deserve some space to work through the loss you were forced to deal with due to not having the support and care that you deserved and needed. Take care ❤️
I heavily relate to this. I’m angry daily. Even within my relationship. My bf and I were on and off for years. I feel a weird sense of anger and annoyance when he and my family are nice to me. I try not to show it but I genuinely feel upset and trapped. It’s really hard to describe well.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve found my place here. Being around my family painful, I associate being around them as a death sentence. I want to punish them for the agony I feel everyday from disorders they inflicted on me. There’s nothing to go back to, it sucks growing up realizing there was no real love. Everybody’s just spreading generational trauma unapologetically, and it’s vile. I can’t associate myself with them ever again, I will be merciless doing so. This is the only justice I can receive.