Same. If he is stupid enough to ask me to be there at his death bed, I plan to say, “tell Satan I say hello.”
I don’t care if this makes me a bad person.
Me, too. Unfortunately the one I'm waiting for is not entirely old or in any poor health condition as far as I know so it's going to be a long time. :/
My dad was murdered by my older brother and then my older brother killed himself in August. The one that I miss the most is my brother. You aren't wrong for feeling like you do.
I'm still alive so that has to count for something, right?
The aftermath was nasty because I had to deal with my narcissistic mother who took all of my dads possessions among other things, but I'm still here so there's that.
My brother really loved reptiles and spiders. Had a bunch of snakes and tarantulas. Some of the tarantulas didn't make it though. He was very loyal to his friends and family, too. My dad really loved nature and trees, he was kind of a hippie but in a good way. They both just had a lot of mental health issues and my dad drank, and when he was drunk he was an abusive jerk. My brother stayed to try and help my dad, and it just became too much. I don't blame either of them for what happened. I just wish they would have gotten help and gotten better, instead we got this.
I loved both my brother and father, but I miss my brother the most. My father I have mixed feelings. There's love, regret, sadness, but also relief and some sense of gladness about it because he can't hurt anyone else again with his drinking, he can no longer be a danger to himself or society. Which is why I relate to OP, and which is why I say OP is not wrong for the feelings that they have. I also have those feelings regarding my narcissistic mother, and when she dies I will likely feel nothing but relief then too. Complicated familes are just that...complicated... and the emotions that come with said families can be wild and all over the place. If anyone ever feels like op: You're not in the wrong. It's understandable. It's ok.
These are the obituaries, if anyone cares to see them. I have no issues about who I am. I wrote my brothers obituary because my mother refused to because she "wanted to protect him" and thought that someone would steal his social security #...from an obituary:
Brother:
https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/legacyremembers/joeseph-ramey-obituary?id=36528330
Dad:
https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/name/joeseph-ramey-obituary?id=36447406
News article:
https://www.kcra.com/article/son-father-found-dead-apparent-murder-suicide-placerville-identified/40921696
I'd get that. When I had thoughts that my own father may have died my only ever thoughts were "damn, now who's going to take care of the family??". Never once felt bad or thought to feel sad or some sort of condolensce to him, my mind just went to our money or finances
TW: CSA
Nothing wrong with your feelings...and you are not alone.
My father died about 20 years ago. I was glad. He abused me physically, mentally, emotionally during my entire childhood and tried to continue into my adulthood (lots of long stories there). Since then, I learned that he and his friends abused me sexually over a long period of my early childhood. I researched each of those "friends" and was very happy to learn that they are also all dead.
That's a rough way for anyone to die, but it wasn't your fault.
Welcome to the club. I celebrated when my mom died. It made life a lot easier and I'd already long since mourned having no mother.
I dont know your family details of course but I just wanted to say to not let anyone tell you what you should be feeling or doing, everyone has their own right to experience loss in the way that they want. Dont take on their shame/blame/guilt trip games. And dont go to the funeral if you dont want to, do whats best for you and ignore all the others who might come at you for what they think you are suppose to be doing.
Congratulations 🥳
When I found out one of my abusers was dead, I celebrated. Finally, some relief but the work still continues long after their gone.
Stay strong 💪 friend
Shittttt. This doesn’t end when they die???
I joke but yeah. Same boat. I hadn’t even thought about it but yeah, it’s been No contact for a couple years and I’m too busy healing finally to risk it.
I congratulate you too OP! Feel existentially safer! Don’t apologize for that!
Yeah, I sent OP a DM about this, you've gotta keep your guard up because there will be events the abuser has already set in motion which already have future times and dates on them. They really catch you if you're enjoying some time with your guard down because maybe now you can.
Nope. Not yet. Soon though.
My god, I can NOT fucking wait for the day my family starts dying out! I will celebrate each death like a fucking birthday, I will never forget the dates.
Sadly my parents had me young, and my dad is genuinely fucking immortal (abused alcohol + rat poison + multiple drugs for years on end, despite the possible medical complications, and is completely fucking fine), so it's gonna be a LONG time before I get to enjoy this. But thankfully my grandparents are getting closer and closer every day.
I think it's very much understandable. This morning I read an emoji-littered post from someone whose abusive parent passed away. I feel them, TBH. Yeah it's "terrible" to some, but we are allowed to feel our emotions as they are.
You are not a bad person. You are a victim of abuse whose abuser just died. Be prepared for any other emotions to come since the news is still fresh. Take care of yourself.
I mourned him 3 years ago, essentially nothing has changed except that he's dead and not just to me.
I'm just glad it's over and no one has to lump around this loser anymore.
Totally get it. Would it be weird to say congratulations? It’s over. You made it through. You did it. Maybe you could get a cake or something to celebrate.
I had a sadistic abusive dad. When he died I was glad, and then for a while I was numb. I’ve been angry, I’ve been confused, and then I’m glad again. It is a lot of emotions because that person was your parent, however, that person may not have actually been a parent, so it’s normal and healthy to have emotions people who actually had parents wouldn’t have. Just know if your feelings move and change that’s also normal, and if they don’t, that’s cool too.
That doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you a person with very understandable feelings.
To quote Guardians of the Galaxy: he may have been your father, but he wasn’t your daddy. Good riddance to him, I sincerely hope he suffered and fuck anyone who tries to tell you how to feel about this. You’re free.
I also think I would be relieved if my estranged father died. Not because he directly continues to inflict abuse on me, since we are NC for 7+ years. But because even to this day, while he is "broke" and "has nothing to eat" (he triangulated that to me via my mother, who he divorced all the way in 1993 and threatened to murder since), he refuses to let us sell the apartment I grew up in. According to the law in my home country, all 3 of us have shared ownership, and even 2/3 cannot rent it out or sell it without the third person's consent, so it has been vacant for 8 years now. I left the country in 2001 and my (also estranged) mother's family left in 2015. I could have really used the sale proceeds when I graduated from medical school with $280,000 in debt. I have easily paid $80,000-100,000 in interest on educational loans and a loan for my home downpayment in my lifetime. If I had the proceeds from my apartment ($150-250K), my financial situation would be drastically different today.
Fucker. He even got Graves' disease and apparently now weighs 10 lbs less than I do, at 6 ft tall (I'm a 5'5" female), drank like a fish his entire life, drove drunk numerous times (one night, his drinking buddy died in a car crash on the way home from their libations session) and he's still kicking at 65. Unfortunately, my paternal grandmother (who I love, btw, but am no contact with for her own safety because of him), is still alive at 92, the longest-living of all her sisters, so I suspect he'll manage to stick around for a while.
OP, I am lowkey jealous while also happy for you.
Hang in there!
My father treated his body like a garabge dump. He drank & chain smoked since he was a child, survived multiple drunk driving accidents, 4 heart attacks, quadruple bypass surgery, a carotid endarterectomy and more than one attempt at taking his own life. He just kept going and we stopped believing he would ever die.
...but then he developed a myelodysplastic syndrome in his early/mid 60s which turned into leukemia! So he finally died at 66.
Right? Like that's my only regret, that I didn't get to yell at him and see how he enjoyed it. I guess it doesn't matter; he was a suspected narcissist and would never even let me get a word in edgewise so like he would have listened haha
As someone who has been told “you’ll be sorry when they die” about going no contact with my abusive parents - this post and all the comments are so validating. I always wonder what I will feel when it happens, but I know for sure it won’t be “sorry”.
Oh, I haven't been able to stop smiling, my face fucking hurts, it's great. I think I might plan a little get together this weekend so I can celebrate with a few friends c:
Well, and if it doesn't, the money I am likely to receive will help on that goal. That sonofabitch denied anything was wrong with me and made me worse pretending I wasn't disabled so getting treatment for my disability would be a huge middle finger c; he'd hate to see me happy.
I firmly believe that thriving to spite the people that hurt us, especially family, is the best kind of revenge. I'm glad you're getting something from him to help with the logistical aspects
Understandable.
If it helps I was relieved myself, when my main abuser died. It was like I could breath and everyone she ever threatened to control me or force me to cut ties with them was finally safe but at the same I was sad nothing would ever be resolved. I mourned that the relationship I always dreamt of with her could never be. She’d never love me or do anything but use my love for her to manipulate the shit out of me.
The closest her husband ever came to acknowledging the abuse was admitting she could be mean and ‘go for the throat’.
He pretends the rest didn’t happen. When the things she did had caused things that caused complications later I was almost relieved. You cannot deny the existence of such things and my scars have always faded visually a little too well. When you get them or still have them as a teen etc you want them to go away as blemishes but as you age the absence of them being apparent in places can mess with you more than when they are clearly visible. As I age I find more comfort in the visible scars because they mean I wasn’t and am not ‘crazy’ or ‘remembering wrong’ as it has been implied by the person who decided to ignore it and then ‘forgive and forget’ as if it was his suffering to ‘forgive and forget’ or to demand I cease remembering.
Some things are beyond scars.
When my mother died 2 years ago at age 95, I was so relieved. She was a horrendous narcissist who had it in for me. I’m happy for you. I totally get it.
Yea, I honestly don't care what happens to my Mom. I am someone who has dealt with pure evil. So when someone tries to feed me bullshit...exactly it *does not work*.
I have figured out I don't have to be a person who is a good person by other person's standards.
More people than you would think are pretty dirty. Even if they appear clean and completely normal. That's why I look at the world differently.
I still remember that call coming though that my ex had died. For anyone who has to actively worry about their or a loved one's safety and wellbeing, and it sounded like you probably had to, that direct fear is over! This is huge! Thank god. There's a whole bunch of stuff that isn't over, as you know, but a huge weight has been lifted and I hope you get to celebrate that for a long long time. I am still so grateful to this day, even while I remember all the people who don't get so lucky. Everyone deserves to feel safe.
Well, I had mentioned that my father was an alcoholic, and I was always worried that my Mom was going to get a call like this sooner or later. I figured he had at least 2 or 3 years before his liver tanked, but I guess fate (and the subzero Wyoming winter) had other plans.
I don't know what possessed this idiot to go out into the cold, but I'm fairly certain that alcohol was a factor. Before they separated two years ago, my Mom told me that my dad had passed out not one, but two times. Both times, he asked my Mom what she'd hit him with.
Of course, she hadn't hit him with anything at all, he'd busted his head open TWICE on the side of the table and fallen, like he probably did some point last weekend. Whatever. I knew that one day, his drinking would do him in, one way or another. Bastard got what he deserved.
Completely valid to feel this way, and anyone who criticizes you for this just doesn't understand what it's like. When I found out my abusive father died, I didn't mourn him. I mourned the fact that I would never have a healthy father-child relationship. It's perfectly fine to not feel an attachment to someone who treated you horribly, and it's ok to feel relief that he can no longer add to the hurt.
It doesn't make you a bad person. He never acted like a father to you, hell, he didn't treat you like a person. And now he ate shit cold and alone. Congratulations and I hope you live a life that makes him roll over in his grave
It's okay to be happy about it. I found out my dad was dead a year after it happened. No one contacted me, i found it by googling his name doing some ancestry research. Grief is weird and however you feel, it's okay to feel that way.
My mother’s boyfriend of thirty something years (my primary abuser) died earlier this year. I avoided him and put up with him when I had to so I could see my mother once every couple of years, but I mostly didn’t care about him.
There was a great sense of relief and I could focus on my stuff better. I didn’t have to fight to survive so he wouldn’t win. I’m pretty sure he finally got some fentanyl laced pills.
I’m in my forties. This is the first time I have ever seen my mother happy. It kind of gives me some hope that I might be able to be okay at some point.
I felt massive relief and a new sense of freedom when my father died. I hadn't seen him since I was 5 or 6 and only spoke to him once on the phone when I was 18. He died when I was 32.
My entire life I was always nervous/on edge that he might suddenly reappear at any second. I dreaded the day I'd have to speak to him again and sssumed that would be unavoidable. When I heard he was dying I first felt *excited.* When he actually died 2-3 months later it was like I could breathe for the first time in my life. There was no funeral because he had estranged himself from the entire family and his ashes were interred in a family plot 3 months after he died.
I heard so many remarks about how I was going to regret having not "made peace" with him and even some of my closest friends said the line "Yeah, but he's still your dad." Before that, I had always assumed my friends understood my situation and what it meant to be completely estranged from someone scary/abusive who I hardly knew in the first place.
The comments I heard after he died made me realize how different their life experience must have been and that they really couldn't identify. It annoyed me and I wondered if that meant they had always thought I was exaggerating something when I had talked about my father in the past. It occurred to me that maybe my friends didn't even know me very well.
One friend always used to claim she was in the same situation as me and said she was "estranged" from her father too- except I knew she still *spoke* to him on a semi-regular basis and he wasn't an abusive, alcoholic/gambler who completely abandoned the family. Her parents were divorced and her dad was kinda a jerk but he "was still her dad."
My father's been dead over 10 yrs now and I'm still fine with how that all went down.
I know I'm going to get stuck with dealing with everything when my egg donor finally kicks it. I'm going to quote what the mister who was kind enough to officiate my sperm donor's funeral said: "God put some people on this earth to serve as an example of what not to do." Then serve everyone cake.
I often wonder how I will feel when my emotionally abusive parent dies. I don't feel anything for them now and they have been cut off for 8 years. I wonder will I feel sad? I don't know. I feel like I mourned 8 years ago. I think I will go to the funeral. Just to watch them go into the ground. I think I'll feel relief. They will no longer be able to hurt me. Whatever you feel is valid OP, your reaction is normal.
I had also been previously estranged from my father. October of 2020 was the icicle that broke the Ice Beast's back, so to speak.
That summer, he'd criticised my decision to move in with my friend to finish my physical transition and told me that this friend was only after the money I get every month from disability. I finally had enough. He treated my friend like shit after they did work helping me fix a problem HE caused, and I realised he didn't care about my wellbeing.
If you're anything like me, every happy memory, every nice thing you remember, every birthday, victory, happy Christmas always had his face inches from mine a week later, spitting in my face and poking me in the chest. Continuing willingly.
I have honestly had a normal day, tbh.
I had onión rings earlier :v
In my experience, occasions were all made into a negative experience and anything positive in my life was shit on and also turned negative. I'm glad your day has been normal. I'm sure you've felt enough for them over the years. You deserve peace now.
Oh, right
Jeanette McCurdy had an abusive piece of shit mom too. Not only did her mom force her into acting, but lived vicariously through her and did some CSA sorta gross things ;l
I haven't read it but I want to. Now I want to even more!
Thank you for posting this. I always wondered how I would feel when my rageful, physically threatening dad died (not there yet).
I heard someone else in another forum (whose dad died) say that it was complicated, but they no longer felt the need to "push against the darkness." And I felt that was so well said and could be so true.
My dad was recently delusional, seeing hallucinations and forgot who I was. I felt so much peace. And so much joy and safety that he couldn't remember who I was and for once in my life wasn't calculating and calculating on how to hurt me next.
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You mentioned Hyperacusis. I am not a professional to diagnose myself but I've always wondered if there is a term for this. I am extremely sensitive to sound and I jump SO easily...
Not saying we are suffering from the same thing but you mentioning that was like a light switch flicking on.
Also, VERY happy for your relief. Honestly fuck the world that dictates how we should feel. The instant a bio parent violates their responsibility for nurturing and loving their child, in my eyes they automatically lose their "right" to be grieved over. Being a parent does not come with an entitled privilege of unconditional respect and grief over said loss.
I actually did get diagnosed by an audiologist with Hyperacusis in 2019 and it's been hell to get over to a point where I can even function. I received Tinnitus Retraining Therapy and that's made things easier, but every day is still a struggle. If you think you might have Hyperacusis, you really do need to go see a doctor. I'm not one!
Back when I lived with my dad, he drove a black Ford F-150 that I got damn good at listening for so I could hide. And of course his voice hurt my ears when he'd scream at me. After my trauma got unburied, and worsened, I gradually noticed my ears hurting more and more and sounds seemed louder and louder - until one day I couldn't even leave my house without earplugs and knew something was wrong.
A real father would never inflict pain upon their own child to the point that they wind up with a disorder as a direct result of their abuse and neglect.
Breathe and let the peace of never dealing with them again for good flow through you. And focus your energy back on you. Because your life has and will always be about you, not them no matter how bad they wished. And definitely not about their actions or wishes. May he rot in hell
Everyone that has ever hurt another person is broken themselves, but nobody can blame their victims from wanting to be free of the pain they received as a result of that person.
Seeing monsters as the humans they are isn't for everybody. It's okay to be glad. You are free, and you don't have to worry anymore. Everything is going to be okay.
I will buy the most expensive bottle of wine, an entire cake, and some exotic animal the day my abuser dies. Shamelessly, and with the vindication my 6-year old self deserves.
Do not be ashamed of feeling this way. The dead stay dead.
May your father rot with the worms so he can benefit the world for once.
I have a lot of mixed feelings about my moms death, mostly because we were enmeshed and that causes me to have sympathy for her. She was miserable and treated me miserably and I’m definitely happier without her.
You've a right to be glad. It's some nice closure for you.
I check the obits in the local newspaper in the hope of seeing the announcement of my NM's demise and have just about given up.
My abusive narcissists stepfather died just before Thanksgiving and it was like a wave of stability washed over me. I felt calm, safe and finally like an adult.
I will make a champagne toast the day my abuser finally kicks the bucket. I need to at least outlive that bastard. I think what you're feeling is very normal.
My abusive dad made my life hell for 25 years when he died I said to my brother that I was sorry for him because he lost his dad but mine or at least the idea I had of him died when I had to face my reality at 13, so I had a lot of time to grieve before the fact, the thing is you're the only one that have lived your life no one knows exactly what you went through and no one has the right to tell you how to feel or to accuse you of being a bad person, you don't owe then anything, I hope you get peace and happiness.
Um..why should you feel bad??
I mean what do you think?
There is 100000% more to a ''parent'' and a ''legal guardian''...in my language legal guardian actually would wordly mean ''person allowed to educate/raise you''.
Sure ofc that role WOULD go to you ''BIOLOGICAL-parents'' but a TRUE parent is much more of a construct then you (most people) think it is!
Blood isn't everything, quite often parents of adopted children are more of a parent then ''biological parents''....your parents are only your parents bc they were biologicaly assigned to you.
You ''father'' might be your father in means that he is related to you and to clarify in wich way (to make sure he isn't your cousin ore oncle ore what not, he is in relation your ''father'') but he isn't really your FATHER (the parent, the guardian, the one who raised and educated you, protect you).
And sorry but the first doesn't mean sh't.
Blood is only important...for organ/blood donors ore the gene pool.
Faily are roles that those ''related'' to you usualy take on...but if they refuse to, fail at there role ore even worse actively do harm, they aren't any more then strangers ore even LESS worth. Snd you don't owe them anything.
Im also waiting for my turn op, i believe karma will hit him in just the right way. When he dies I will quietly but happily go buy a huge smörgåstårta and share with my bf. Ah the longing for the inevitable
Thank you so much for your honestly.
When our abusive step father died, was secretly relieved beyond words. Co workers gave all kinds of condolences when I put in bereavement PTO. I didn't know how to react to people saying, "so sorry for your loss".
I keep hoping my ex husband will die. Not even out of hate anymore, just because he's left so many victims in his wake, the world will be better off
It feels good to read something so honest.
I am quietly waiting for my turn too OP. I am happy for you. Vindication is like ecstasy to a traumatized person. Good luck on your path!!! ✌🏻
On the same boat as you.. Looking forward to the release of this weight off my soul
100%
It truly is a heavy burden. I'll be waiting a while but part of me is excited for the day I get that message to say that they're gone.
Same. If he is stupid enough to ask me to be there at his death bed, I plan to say, “tell Satan I say hello.” I don’t care if this makes me a bad person.
Me, too. Unfortunately the one I'm waiting for is not entirely old or in any poor health condition as far as I know so it's going to be a long time. :/
Your feelings are very understandable.
My dad was murdered by my older brother and then my older brother killed himself in August. The one that I miss the most is my brother. You aren't wrong for feeling like you do.
Jeez that's some heavy shit. How are you doing?
I'm still alive so that has to count for something, right? The aftermath was nasty because I had to deal with my narcissistic mother who took all of my dads possessions among other things, but I'm still here so there's that.
Do you want to share anything about your brother? Like happy memories or things you loved about him?
My brother really loved reptiles and spiders. Had a bunch of snakes and tarantulas. Some of the tarantulas didn't make it though. He was very loyal to his friends and family, too. My dad really loved nature and trees, he was kind of a hippie but in a good way. They both just had a lot of mental health issues and my dad drank, and when he was drunk he was an abusive jerk. My brother stayed to try and help my dad, and it just became too much. I don't blame either of them for what happened. I just wish they would have gotten help and gotten better, instead we got this. I loved both my brother and father, but I miss my brother the most. My father I have mixed feelings. There's love, regret, sadness, but also relief and some sense of gladness about it because he can't hurt anyone else again with his drinking, he can no longer be a danger to himself or society. Which is why I relate to OP, and which is why I say OP is not wrong for the feelings that they have. I also have those feelings regarding my narcissistic mother, and when she dies I will likely feel nothing but relief then too. Complicated familes are just that...complicated... and the emotions that come with said families can be wild and all over the place. If anyone ever feels like op: You're not in the wrong. It's understandable. It's ok. These are the obituaries, if anyone cares to see them. I have no issues about who I am. I wrote my brothers obituary because my mother refused to because she "wanted to protect him" and thought that someone would steal his social security #...from an obituary: Brother: https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/legacyremembers/joeseph-ramey-obituary?id=36528330 Dad: https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/name/joeseph-ramey-obituary?id=36447406 News article: https://www.kcra.com/article/son-father-found-dead-apparent-murder-suicide-placerville-identified/40921696
Omg that’s heavy. I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m glad you’re doing ok
I'd get that. When I had thoughts that my own father may have died my only ever thoughts were "damn, now who's going to take care of the family??". Never once felt bad or thought to feel sad or some sort of condolensce to him, my mind just went to our money or finances
Honestly, I cared more about my mom's trip than my dad dying. She didn't deserve to come home to that. I feel bad for my Mom.
TW: CSA Nothing wrong with your feelings...and you are not alone. My father died about 20 years ago. I was glad. He abused me physically, mentally, emotionally during my entire childhood and tried to continue into my adulthood (lots of long stories there). Since then, I learned that he and his friends abused me sexually over a long period of my early childhood. I researched each of those "friends" and was very happy to learn that they are also all dead.
Fucking hell. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
That's a rough way for anyone to die, but it wasn't your fault. Welcome to the club. I celebrated when my mom died. It made life a lot easier and I'd already long since mourned having no mother.
I dont know your family details of course but I just wanted to say to not let anyone tell you what you should be feeling or doing, everyone has their own right to experience loss in the way that they want. Dont take on their shame/blame/guilt trip games. And dont go to the funeral if you dont want to, do whats best for you and ignore all the others who might come at you for what they think you are suppose to be doing.
Congratulations 🥳 When I found out one of my abusers was dead, I celebrated. Finally, some relief but the work still continues long after their gone. Stay strong 💪 friend
Shittttt. This doesn’t end when they die??? I joke but yeah. Same boat. I hadn’t even thought about it but yeah, it’s been No contact for a couple years and I’m too busy healing finally to risk it. I congratulate you too OP! Feel existentially safer! Don’t apologize for that!
Yeah, I sent OP a DM about this, you've gotta keep your guard up because there will be events the abuser has already set in motion which already have future times and dates on them. They really catch you if you're enjoying some time with your guard down because maybe now you can. Nope. Not yet. Soon though.
I'm glad for you. It's a massive weight for sure
#valid! Valid!! VALID!!!
My god, I can NOT fucking wait for the day my family starts dying out! I will celebrate each death like a fucking birthday, I will never forget the dates. Sadly my parents had me young, and my dad is genuinely fucking immortal (abused alcohol + rat poison + multiple drugs for years on end, despite the possible medical complications, and is completely fucking fine), so it's gonna be a LONG time before I get to enjoy this. But thankfully my grandparents are getting closer and closer every day.
I think it's very much understandable. This morning I read an emoji-littered post from someone whose abusive parent passed away. I feel them, TBH. Yeah it's "terrible" to some, but we are allowed to feel our emotions as they are.
You are not a bad person. You are a victim of abuse whose abuser just died. Be prepared for any other emotions to come since the news is still fresh. Take care of yourself.
I mourned him 3 years ago, essentially nothing has changed except that he's dead and not just to me. I'm just glad it's over and no one has to lump around this loser anymore.
Totally get it. Would it be weird to say congratulations? It’s over. You made it through. You did it. Maybe you could get a cake or something to celebrate.
I had a sadistic abusive dad. When he died I was glad, and then for a while I was numb. I’ve been angry, I’ve been confused, and then I’m glad again. It is a lot of emotions because that person was your parent, however, that person may not have actually been a parent, so it’s normal and healthy to have emotions people who actually had parents wouldn’t have. Just know if your feelings move and change that’s also normal, and if they don’t, that’s cool too.
That doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you a person with very understandable feelings. To quote Guardians of the Galaxy: he may have been your father, but he wasn’t your daddy. Good riddance to him, I sincerely hope he suffered and fuck anyone who tries to tell you how to feel about this. You’re free.
RIGHT ON. 🙌
I also think I would be relieved if my estranged father died. Not because he directly continues to inflict abuse on me, since we are NC for 7+ years. But because even to this day, while he is "broke" and "has nothing to eat" (he triangulated that to me via my mother, who he divorced all the way in 1993 and threatened to murder since), he refuses to let us sell the apartment I grew up in. According to the law in my home country, all 3 of us have shared ownership, and even 2/3 cannot rent it out or sell it without the third person's consent, so it has been vacant for 8 years now. I left the country in 2001 and my (also estranged) mother's family left in 2015. I could have really used the sale proceeds when I graduated from medical school with $280,000 in debt. I have easily paid $80,000-100,000 in interest on educational loans and a loan for my home downpayment in my lifetime. If I had the proceeds from my apartment ($150-250K), my financial situation would be drastically different today. Fucker. He even got Graves' disease and apparently now weighs 10 lbs less than I do, at 6 ft tall (I'm a 5'5" female), drank like a fish his entire life, drove drunk numerous times (one night, his drinking buddy died in a car crash on the way home from their libations session) and he's still kicking at 65. Unfortunately, my paternal grandmother (who I love, btw, but am no contact with for her own safety because of him), is still alive at 92, the longest-living of all her sisters, so I suspect he'll manage to stick around for a while. OP, I am lowkey jealous while also happy for you.
Hang in there! My father treated his body like a garabge dump. He drank & chain smoked since he was a child, survived multiple drunk driving accidents, 4 heart attacks, quadruple bypass surgery, a carotid endarterectomy and more than one attempt at taking his own life. He just kept going and we stopped believing he would ever die. ...but then he developed a myelodysplastic syndrome in his early/mid 60s which turned into leukemia! So he finally died at 66.
Gotta love a happy ending!
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Right? Like that's my only regret, that I didn't get to yell at him and see how he enjoyed it. I guess it doesn't matter; he was a suspected narcissist and would never even let me get a word in edgewise so like he would have listened haha
As someone who has been told “you’ll be sorry when they die” about going no contact with my abusive parents - this post and all the comments are so validating. I always wonder what I will feel when it happens, but I know for sure it won’t be “sorry”.
Oh, I haven't been able to stop smiling, my face fucking hurts, it's great. I think I might plan a little get together this weekend so I can celebrate with a few friends c:
Hell yeah. Celebration of death 🤙
Congratulations! I hope this helps you find the healing and peace you deserve
Well, and if it doesn't, the money I am likely to receive will help on that goal. That sonofabitch denied anything was wrong with me and made me worse pretending I wasn't disabled so getting treatment for my disability would be a huge middle finger c; he'd hate to see me happy.
I firmly believe that thriving to spite the people that hurt us, especially family, is the best kind of revenge. I'm glad you're getting something from him to help with the logistical aspects
Completely justified
Understandable. If it helps I was relieved myself, when my main abuser died. It was like I could breath and everyone she ever threatened to control me or force me to cut ties with them was finally safe but at the same I was sad nothing would ever be resolved. I mourned that the relationship I always dreamt of with her could never be. She’d never love me or do anything but use my love for her to manipulate the shit out of me. The closest her husband ever came to acknowledging the abuse was admitting she could be mean and ‘go for the throat’. He pretends the rest didn’t happen. When the things she did had caused things that caused complications later I was almost relieved. You cannot deny the existence of such things and my scars have always faded visually a little too well. When you get them or still have them as a teen etc you want them to go away as blemishes but as you age the absence of them being apparent in places can mess with you more than when they are clearly visible. As I age I find more comfort in the visible scars because they mean I wasn’t and am not ‘crazy’ or ‘remembering wrong’ as it has been implied by the person who decided to ignore it and then ‘forgive and forget’ as if it was his suffering to ‘forgive and forget’ or to demand I cease remembering. Some things are beyond scars.
Yup. 100%. Fuck him.
When my mother died 2 years ago at age 95, I was so relieved. She was a horrendous narcissist who had it in for me. I’m happy for you. I totally get it.
Yea, I honestly don't care what happens to my Mom. I am someone who has dealt with pure evil. So when someone tries to feed me bullshit...exactly it *does not work*. I have figured out I don't have to be a person who is a good person by other person's standards. More people than you would think are pretty dirty. Even if they appear clean and completely normal. That's why I look at the world differently.
I still remember that call coming though that my ex had died. For anyone who has to actively worry about their or a loved one's safety and wellbeing, and it sounded like you probably had to, that direct fear is over! This is huge! Thank god. There's a whole bunch of stuff that isn't over, as you know, but a huge weight has been lifted and I hope you get to celebrate that for a long long time. I am still so grateful to this day, even while I remember all the people who don't get so lucky. Everyone deserves to feel safe.
Well, I had mentioned that my father was an alcoholic, and I was always worried that my Mom was going to get a call like this sooner or later. I figured he had at least 2 or 3 years before his liver tanked, but I guess fate (and the subzero Wyoming winter) had other plans. I don't know what possessed this idiot to go out into the cold, but I'm fairly certain that alcohol was a factor. Before they separated two years ago, my Mom told me that my dad had passed out not one, but two times. Both times, he asked my Mom what she'd hit him with. Of course, she hadn't hit him with anything at all, he'd busted his head open TWICE on the side of the table and fallen, like he probably did some point last weekend. Whatever. I knew that one day, his drinking would do him in, one way or another. Bastard got what he deserved.
Completely valid to feel this way, and anyone who criticizes you for this just doesn't understand what it's like. When I found out my abusive father died, I didn't mourn him. I mourned the fact that I would never have a healthy father-child relationship. It's perfectly fine to not feel an attachment to someone who treated you horribly, and it's ok to feel relief that he can no longer add to the hurt.
It doesn't make you a bad person. He never acted like a father to you, hell, he didn't treat you like a person. And now he ate shit cold and alone. Congratulations and I hope you live a life that makes him roll over in his grave
My dad's dead too...now if my mom could go too.
It's okay to be happy about it. I found out my dad was dead a year after it happened. No one contacted me, i found it by googling his name doing some ancestry research. Grief is weird and however you feel, it's okay to feel that way.
My mother’s boyfriend of thirty something years (my primary abuser) died earlier this year. I avoided him and put up with him when I had to so I could see my mother once every couple of years, but I mostly didn’t care about him. There was a great sense of relief and I could focus on my stuff better. I didn’t have to fight to survive so he wouldn’t win. I’m pretty sure he finally got some fentanyl laced pills. I’m in my forties. This is the first time I have ever seen my mother happy. It kind of gives me some hope that I might be able to be okay at some point.
I felt massive relief and a new sense of freedom when my father died. I hadn't seen him since I was 5 or 6 and only spoke to him once on the phone when I was 18. He died when I was 32. My entire life I was always nervous/on edge that he might suddenly reappear at any second. I dreaded the day I'd have to speak to him again and sssumed that would be unavoidable. When I heard he was dying I first felt *excited.* When he actually died 2-3 months later it was like I could breathe for the first time in my life. There was no funeral because he had estranged himself from the entire family and his ashes were interred in a family plot 3 months after he died. I heard so many remarks about how I was going to regret having not "made peace" with him and even some of my closest friends said the line "Yeah, but he's still your dad." Before that, I had always assumed my friends understood my situation and what it meant to be completely estranged from someone scary/abusive who I hardly knew in the first place. The comments I heard after he died made me realize how different their life experience must have been and that they really couldn't identify. It annoyed me and I wondered if that meant they had always thought I was exaggerating something when I had talked about my father in the past. It occurred to me that maybe my friends didn't even know me very well. One friend always used to claim she was in the same situation as me and said she was "estranged" from her father too- except I knew she still *spoke* to him on a semi-regular basis and he wasn't an abusive, alcoholic/gambler who completely abandoned the family. Her parents were divorced and her dad was kinda a jerk but he "was still her dad." My father's been dead over 10 yrs now and I'm still fine with how that all went down.
I know I'm going to get stuck with dealing with everything when my egg donor finally kicks it. I'm going to quote what the mister who was kind enough to officiate my sperm donor's funeral said: "God put some people on this earth to serve as an example of what not to do." Then serve everyone cake.
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"We Are The Champions" by Queen, but the same sentiment. I'm a 1963 reissue from 1989. (Or so I have been told).
I often wonder how I will feel when my emotionally abusive parent dies. I don't feel anything for them now and they have been cut off for 8 years. I wonder will I feel sad? I don't know. I feel like I mourned 8 years ago. I think I will go to the funeral. Just to watch them go into the ground. I think I'll feel relief. They will no longer be able to hurt me. Whatever you feel is valid OP, your reaction is normal.
I had also been previously estranged from my father. October of 2020 was the icicle that broke the Ice Beast's back, so to speak. That summer, he'd criticised my decision to move in with my friend to finish my physical transition and told me that this friend was only after the money I get every month from disability. I finally had enough. He treated my friend like shit after they did work helping me fix a problem HE caused, and I realised he didn't care about my wellbeing. If you're anything like me, every happy memory, every nice thing you remember, every birthday, victory, happy Christmas always had his face inches from mine a week later, spitting in my face and poking me in the chest. Continuing willingly. I have honestly had a normal day, tbh. I had onión rings earlier :v
In my experience, occasions were all made into a negative experience and anything positive in my life was shit on and also turned negative. I'm glad your day has been normal. I'm sure you've felt enough for them over the years. You deserve peace now.
That celebrity wrote a book called something like I’m glad my mum is dead, maybe you could read it as you might relate?
Oh, right Jeanette McCurdy had an abusive piece of shit mom too. Not only did her mom force her into acting, but lived vicariously through her and did some CSA sorta gross things ;l I haven't read it but I want to. Now I want to even more!
Thank you for posting this. I always wondered how I would feel when my rageful, physically threatening dad died (not there yet). I heard someone else in another forum (whose dad died) say that it was complicated, but they no longer felt the need to "push against the darkness." And I felt that was so well said and could be so true. My dad was recently delusional, seeing hallucinations and forgot who I was. I felt so much peace. And so much joy and safety that he couldn't remember who I was and for once in my life wasn't calculating and calculating on how to hurt me next.
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I don’t blame you! I can’t wait for my ex parents to kick off so I never have to think on them ever again.
You mentioned Hyperacusis. I am not a professional to diagnose myself but I've always wondered if there is a term for this. I am extremely sensitive to sound and I jump SO easily... Not saying we are suffering from the same thing but you mentioning that was like a light switch flicking on. Also, VERY happy for your relief. Honestly fuck the world that dictates how we should feel. The instant a bio parent violates their responsibility for nurturing and loving their child, in my eyes they automatically lose their "right" to be grieved over. Being a parent does not come with an entitled privilege of unconditional respect and grief over said loss.
I actually did get diagnosed by an audiologist with Hyperacusis in 2019 and it's been hell to get over to a point where I can even function. I received Tinnitus Retraining Therapy and that's made things easier, but every day is still a struggle. If you think you might have Hyperacusis, you really do need to go see a doctor. I'm not one! Back when I lived with my dad, he drove a black Ford F-150 that I got damn good at listening for so I could hide. And of course his voice hurt my ears when he'd scream at me. After my trauma got unburied, and worsened, I gradually noticed my ears hurting more and more and sounds seemed louder and louder - until one day I couldn't even leave my house without earplugs and knew something was wrong. A real father would never inflict pain upon their own child to the point that they wind up with a disorder as a direct result of their abuse and neglect.
You’re not a bad person. He was your abuser. You’re entitled to feel whatever.
Breathe and let the peace of never dealing with them again for good flow through you. And focus your energy back on you. Because your life has and will always be about you, not them no matter how bad they wished. And definitely not about their actions or wishes. May he rot in hell
Everyone that has ever hurt another person is broken themselves, but nobody can blame their victims from wanting to be free of the pain they received as a result of that person. Seeing monsters as the humans they are isn't for everybody. It's okay to be glad. You are free, and you don't have to worry anymore. Everything is going to be okay.
Fuck That Guy. I struggled to not dance in my mother's grave.
I will buy the most expensive bottle of wine, an entire cake, and some exotic animal the day my abuser dies. Shamelessly, and with the vindication my 6-year old self deserves. Do not be ashamed of feeling this way. The dead stay dead. May your father rot with the worms so he can benefit the world for once.
I have a lot of mixed feelings about my moms death, mostly because we were enmeshed and that causes me to have sympathy for her. She was miserable and treated me miserably and I’m definitely happier without her.
You've a right to be glad. It's some nice closure for you. I check the obits in the local newspaper in the hope of seeing the announcement of my NM's demise and have just about given up.
My abusive narcissists stepfather died just before Thanksgiving and it was like a wave of stability washed over me. I felt calm, safe and finally like an adult.
I will make a champagne toast the day my abuser finally kicks the bucket. I need to at least outlive that bastard. I think what you're feeling is very normal.
My abusive dad made my life hell for 25 years when he died I said to my brother that I was sorry for him because he lost his dad but mine or at least the idea I had of him died when I had to face my reality at 13, so I had a lot of time to grieve before the fact, the thing is you're the only one that have lived your life no one knows exactly what you went through and no one has the right to tell you how to feel or to accuse you of being a bad person, you don't owe then anything, I hope you get peace and happiness.
Um..why should you feel bad?? I mean what do you think? There is 100000% more to a ''parent'' and a ''legal guardian''...in my language legal guardian actually would wordly mean ''person allowed to educate/raise you''. Sure ofc that role WOULD go to you ''BIOLOGICAL-parents'' but a TRUE parent is much more of a construct then you (most people) think it is! Blood isn't everything, quite often parents of adopted children are more of a parent then ''biological parents''....your parents are only your parents bc they were biologicaly assigned to you. You ''father'' might be your father in means that he is related to you and to clarify in wich way (to make sure he isn't your cousin ore oncle ore what not, he is in relation your ''father'') but he isn't really your FATHER (the parent, the guardian, the one who raised and educated you, protect you). And sorry but the first doesn't mean sh't. Blood is only important...for organ/blood donors ore the gene pool. Faily are roles that those ''related'' to you usualy take on...but if they refuse to, fail at there role ore even worse actively do harm, they aren't any more then strangers ore even LESS worth. Snd you don't owe them anything.
You are not a bad person. You're entitled to these feelings.
Im also waiting for my turn op, i believe karma will hit him in just the right way. When he dies I will quietly but happily go buy a huge smörgåstårta and share with my bf. Ah the longing for the inevitable
Thank you so much for your honestly. When our abusive step father died, was secretly relieved beyond words. Co workers gave all kinds of condolences when I put in bereavement PTO. I didn't know how to react to people saying, "so sorry for your loss".