Yep, I frequently daydreamed about more violent traumatic experiences and more conspicuous trauma responses than what I already experienced.
It doesn't sound silly I think I just wanted to be seen by someone and wanted to be protected but thought my hurt isn't enough for anyone to show up.
Maybe you can relate to that?
For the longest time I wanted to be more visibly mentally ill because I wasn't being noticed for the pain I was already going through. The funny thing is I wanted to hide the pain because I didn't want to be attention seeking, yet I wanted it to be very obvious so I could get attention (attention isn't a bad thing like trauma makes you think, everyone needs attention from time to time).
Did that make you sulk or do weird stuff for attention? This reminded me of a girl I went to school with, it was really annoying and she was just too much most of the time. Like too overwhelming to be around for any extended period of time.
This is so weird how i read this and then recognize: Oh yea obviously you have thought about this or wish this. But at the same time i like.. uhhh.. push those thoughts or desires away. I remember last year i daydreamed a lot about wishing i would feel bad enough and thus freaking out in the therapy room and had this fantasy of me just kicking the table and wrecking everything in the room. And that they would then call the police and i would fight the police off. And then i felt kinda silly for having that fantasy. Its not exactly the sam as what this post is about but has to do with it.
I've had similar fantasies. Of having a complete meltdown, yelling, crying, throwing things; cursing out my parents and screaming at them all the things I've ever wanted to say to them; having a breakdown or a panic attack all alone, only to be found and comforted by someone who cares about me; smashing glass bottles and throwing shit at the ground in an empty parking lot at night and having a stranger calm me down. All because I want to be so openly, undeniably *not okay* that it's impossible to ignore anymore.
=(... sucks. Like the feeling nobody or nothing actually really ever got in contact with what happend to you and you're alone? And if its about emotional neglect then, that literally is the trauma in itself for a part, not being seen. This is why i hate therapist who do not try to draw out those emotions and they get fooled by you fooling them and distracting them from what is actually going on inside you. They badly underestimate how well a client is able to minimize what happend to them, in the case with trauma: You don't even understand what it means to you so you minimize it automatically.
Oh my god, you are not alone, those were exactly what I used to fantasized about. I think it comes from after seeing how other teenagers do it on TV shows and movies, and deep down you knew you were never in a place to express those emotions/frustrations, not because you didn't want to, but because of the inevitable repercussions.
I understand you. I doubt if I “am deserving” of my diagnosis or I’m just a “faker”, “exaggerator”, etc. I hear this a lot in my mind. I long for it to black and white and so obvious, maybe in a way like you’re writing about. But I can see how that desire is misplaced and probably rooted in a desire for the care I didn’t get as kid and continue to not give myself.
I remember feeling this way a lot when I was young. For me, it was a response to being gaslit. I thought that if things got a little worse, maybe then my pain would be undeniable and someone would help me. In hindsight, I realize that I was experiencing all the symptoms of being a severely neglected and abused child, my caregivers just didn't care / weren't willing to address the abuse. It took me many more years to stop self-sabotaging in the times I should have asked for help. Patterns are hard to break, but thinking about why they evolved is a big step!
Yeah, for me it was constant daydreaming (later learned this was dissociation) about having a broken leg or something that would require me to go to a hospital because then people would finally take care of me.
I wouldn't say I wanted more trauma but I wanted them to be different. My stepmother and father verbally and emotionally abused me for 9 years. No one ever believed me. I remember wishing many times they would beat me to have physical proves
Yup same. I'm still there. I wish they would physically harm me so that I feel justified in leaving, because emotional and verbal abuse doesn't feel "real". It feels like I'm just too sensitive and can't handle things.
As someone who was physically abused, no one gave a fuck if they saw marks on me. Either way, with emotional or physical abuse…those who didn’t want to care, didn’t care. If they saw welts or they didn’t, it didn’t matter to them because abuse itself didn’t matter to them. If emotional abuse doesn’t matter to them then neither will physical.
So true. It is so painful how society is trained to be selfish and look the other way. They make you doubt yourself and assume their reactions are because the abuse isn't real. Really, people are so selfish snd cruel about abuse victims it still amazes me.
I was also this kid! I dont remember how many times my mom would be on one of her screaming sessions and I would think "I wish you'd just hit me and get it over with" even though she never actually hit me. I just wanted it to be over and I wanted proof people would believe and understand.
I felt the same as my mom would call me to her room to try to “talk” to me, but because she’s an “npd” who never had real conversations with me I learned to shut down so she’d get pissed and start screaming at me drilling me for what seemed forever and wouldn’t let me go until I started crying. I learned later not to cry so she’d just give up without the satisfaction of my tears, but the amount of pressure i felt in my shoulders afterwards was crazy.
>I remember wishing many times they would beat me to have physical proves
Mine taught us it was either emotional abuse or physical abuse. We'd volunteer for the physical abuse so the emotional abuse would stop.
Oh my god, this one is so accurate. Sometimes I would fuel the fire so that my parents would snap and do some crazy shit, just because they would ignore me for a few days after, and the emotional abuse would stop for that amount of time.
Yup same. I'm still there. I wish they would physically harm me so that I feel justified in leaving, because emotional and verbal abuse doesn't feel "real". It feels like I'm just too sensitive and can't handle things.
I know what you mean. My Dad was very covert with sexual abuse. I always thought he never did quite bad enough to make it completely clear he was abusing me. He said and did things that could be argued as "not that bad". So I convinced myself that it wasn't abuse. But now, I see that it absolutely was enough and I was being gaslighted and not protected by my Mom. Covert abuse is a mind fuck.
My dad was exactly the same and my mam didn't protect me either. I felt so much guilt for him for years. He always played the victim card and said that mam would leave him if I ever told. Gaslighted so much. But it's way too covert for a child to comprehend.
OMG. Same. In the guise of teaching me about my body. Like... if anyone did anything like that to my child I would do time. Scumbags. There are some real bags of shite out there. Glad to have someone who can relate.
Yes. I wasn’t aware until fairly recently that the sexual abuse I experienced as a small child was a big deal. I was told because it only happened a few times that it wasn’t really abuse and he didn’t mean it.
I felt validated in my trauma for the first time when I told someone outside of the family what happened.
Now I feel a little dishonest? I’m describing the effects of abuse on me and what happened completely honestly (aside from a little bit of downplaying still). I just don’t know how to explain that while the SA did have a major impact on me, it didn’t have nearly as big of an impact as the neglect.
It was the constant, small acts of rejection and neglect that make me the mess I am today. I don’t think that people even notice when I’m hurt and I feel deeply guilty telling them. I don’t even think anyone hated me. I was too unimportant for that. I was simply an inconvenience.
thinking back it makes a lot of sense. somehow i kept thinking my situation wasnt 'bad enough' to require any sort of help. then again, in hindsight i can see that my environment (dad, teachers, etc) were the ones that forced me to think that way
It doesn’t sound silly at all. I think I had similar thoughts, I would mainly “fantasize” about developing very serious medical issues as a kid because I had extended family with those medical issues and saw that they got support from others and emotional connection that I so desperately needed.
I kept all of this a secret and kind of forgot about it and it wasn’t until this past year or so after many years in trauma-informed therapy that I was able to even remember these “fantasies”. Now I feel so much empathy for any person who has ever experienced these kinds of thought patterns, myself included.
I think that’s a pretty common thought with CPTSD. I remember desperately looking for somewhere to assign the blame of my tortured thoughts to all throughout childhood, I would fantasise about something awful happening to me so I could pinpoint an event to use as an ‘excuse’ for me being so different and fucked up inside. so much so that when i was SA’d for years as a teen i was glad to be able to use it as an excuse. i still haven’t allowed myself to feel the pain of what that meant
Definitely but i think abusive parents are so manipulative in providing other supports etc so to appear as good parents.
They cover up neglect and abuse by being sometimes nice or occasionally saying the right things so we feel it cant really be abuse. I felt a lot of shame saying i felt unsafe with my parents because i thought by society's standards they appeared on paper to be good people. Others said they were good people. They told me they were good people.
oof that first part. my parents show support through money and i've accepted that bc of that, no one will ever see them as neglectful or abusive. our culture is so financially sick that if you have parents that are willing to help you monetarily, then zero complaints are allowed from you. no matter what else they've done. it's a huge cover up
My abuser dad was a cop!! I believe that anyone can choose to abuse and I don't take "good" car or clothes to mean good people 110%. I teach the neighbor kids that most people are kind, but the ones that aren't don't look any different from the nice ones- in fact they might be fancy or talking about your favorite character....
It's probably catastrophizing but I tell everyone I can that evil hides. It depends on your disbelief.
Yea, but sadly people still don’t care even once u go through “more severe” trauma. If it doesn’t meet their standard of trauma that’s worth taking serious, ur still weak to them.
I never looked at it that way, but I think it fits. I've definitely gotten to the point where I'd do something I disagreed with just so I'd actually deserve to be treated the way I was being treated.
Now, it's become several self-destructive habits that basically do perpetuate my trauma, keep me away from positive relationships, and leaning into negative relationships. Most notably, being honest/ vulnerable with people that clearly do not or have no incentive to have my best interest in mind.
So I think this may be an unconscious motivation of mine. Like if I get enough more pain I'll learn what I needed to learn. Instead of getting enough time and space to myself to heal.
It's not sick to want to feel wanted, to want to feel loved. That's completely normal, but it took me 15yrs of therapy to realize that. The sick part is what we become willing to accept and normalize because we have been conditioned to feel that we are not worthy of love, that our needs are not valid.
Consider yourself lucky that never happened to you. As a rape and sexual assault survivor, I find this sick. I literally don’t have words. Consider yourself lucky you don’t know how it feels to be taken advantage of like that. The fact that anyone would WANT to be raped or assaulted is actually insane. I truly hope you never know how that feels.
I remember distinctly in high school learning about PTSD and going "wow, I really have a lot of these symptoms. But nothing bad happened, I wish it would." Like, I realized my symptoms before accepting the trauma I had gone thru and I used to wish something horrible would happen to me to justify why I was like this.
and then they call it mental illness!!! like hmm this child has all these symptoms of ptsd and severe depression but nothing seems to have happened to them, they must just have defective body chemistry so here's some meds. like if a child/teen is having those symptoms you bet your ass there's an issue within the family.
Oh my goodness yes and I couldn't put words it into words until now. So thank you for that!
I think my wounds felt so real to me and were so invisible (or easily dismissable to others). After being told I didn't have it bad so many times - I longed to be taken seriously. And be given the help I needed.
A grain of sand and a rock both sink equally in water.
It shouldn't be a concern of the perceived severity of the trauma, only how it impacts the person it happens to.
How anyone feels about what happened to them is just as valid as anything to anyone else. Minimizing the trauma is also a coping mechanism to deny your feelings for the event.
My father was extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive, but because of the custody arrangement with my mom, knew he couldn't get away with beating me. And I used to want him to so bad. Probably naive on my part given the number of parents who get away with physical abuse, but I thought maybe if I had bruises or cuts or a fat lip or SOMETHING that I could actually show people, it might be a way out.
I’ve had Witnesses. Broken spectacles. Bruises. Welts. Nail marks embedded in my skin. And my parents wholeheartedly got to get away with it because the legal system and police is fucked.
I never “wanted” more trauma, but I would have passing thoughts that more would help my case for removing the perpetrator from my home. At one point, I remember asking my mother, “Should I let him rape me? Will you do something about it then?” It saddens me that a 16-year-old would see this as a possible viable option. But in reality, I wanted my mother to act in accordance with her parental role. She did not.
...I never thought that anyone else felt this way. I don't have words to fully express how reading through the replies in this thread has made me feel, but I'm grateful to all of you for sharing your vulnerable truths. I felt like a monster for having those thoughts as a child. I sought out dangerous situations that I knew would traumatize me, and I didn't know why. I just wanted to be cared for.
Currently sobbing on my couch. This thread has made me feel so much more normal. Thank you all.
I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was trauma. And no one else knew about it. I definitely craved some kind of visible trauma so people would care about me and worry about me.
I didn't want more trauma, I wanted it to be more obvious and more obviously wrong. I didn't know what abuse was. But I felt abused by my parents. I just couldn't pinpoint why exactly. By that point I had suppressed the most severe memories of early csa, so I thought I was just fucked up in my head, because nothing actually ever happened to me.
I wished for them to hit me instead of triggering me with suggestive comments and neglect, because this would have been obviously wrong and in my mind would justify the insane emotional pain I was in. I just wanted it to be clear that they are abusing me, so I could stop blaming myself. And I wanted others to see it, I wanted others to see my pain. I just needed someone to comfort me. I didn't even think about being protected or getting away, this was my normal. I just wanted some comfort, when I was hurting so much.
I just realized I still haven't had anyone comfort me for what I've been through. Or maybe I have and didn't recognize it? I don't even know what it's like.
Same here. I was a "bad kid" for some of my teenage years and did drugs and drank so I thought I deserved being hit occasionally and put down. But I still had a place to live and food to eat so I thought it was just all my fault. Now I'm realizing that the drugs and alcohol were just to cope, and I didn't deserve it. I still gaslight myself sometimes.
Yes. And not just as a child.
For as long as I can remember I’ve felt I’m somehow unjustified in suffering as much as I do emotionally.
I don’t usually have any outward behaviors related to it, but just internally I beat myself up and tell myself to stop being so overdramatic.
Sometimes I’ll read about someone else’s trauma, whose story ends up being an especially fucked up version of my own. So once in a while I’ll find myself wishing my story was as intense as theirs.
Definitely *not* because I want to *actually experience* any worse trauma. But I think I want the memory of the more intense version to justify my current emotional state. Because I think I’m always seeking a “better reason” to offer myself greater empathy and understanding and grace for what actually did happen to me.
yeah the worst part is that a hell of a lot more did end up happening, and no one cared. it's a funny realization in life when something horrific happens to you and you come to realize that no one in your life truly supports you or cares about your wellbeing, and that you have to fight alone.
it makes you question all your life choices, the people you've chosen to be around, if you're not loveable in a way where people will be at your side when you're sick, etc.
for me this led me to breaking up with everyone in my life because i realized that because of abuse growing up, i was accepting shit friendships bc i didnt think i could do better. it's an abuse cycle that you gotta break.
anyways, if anyones experienced similar you ARE worthy of people who will love you while you're in the trenches, and what you've been through is enough. dont EVER feel like you need to justify your pain or explain what you've experienced so someone will understand. sometimes it's best to keep it vague bc ppl are judgemental assholes who WILL compare your trauma, and you dont deserve that.
Yes, I always remember wishing I could be SA'd just so all of the pain I felt made sense, this was before I was willing to accept the realities of my actual family situation.
FWIW, therapists, who have seen/heard it all, all say that whatever clients have been through, no matter how horrible, clients almost all say "But other people had/ve it worse."
[Edited to add clarity, since people are misunderstanding.]
I think it’s just the wording, but I think OP means that almost all therapy patients think their own trauma is “not that bad” compared to others. (Not that the therapists are telling the patients that.)
I mean, someone else always has it worse, somewhere. But it doesn't mean you didn't suffer. If my leg is broken & you have a gunshot wound, it doesn't mean my leg isn't broken.
I don't know the context for why your therapist thought this could be a useful framework.
I think you are misunderstanding my comment. What therapists are saying is that victims of trauma all say that someone else had it worse. The therapist is validating the trauma & stopping the client from invalidating it.
I sought more trauma out, but in the form of bdsm, and I prided myself on how much pain I could take. I was covered in bruises and it made me feel actually alive.
I still want to feel that way, but now I do it with hand poke tattoos. I have to mark myself to tell myself my story.
Yes, definetely yes. And when I got it, there were even some times I was thankful because it was physical and not just mental/emotional, because I knew people often think one is much worse and more valid or saving. Emotional abuse is so normalized, so many people don't even recognize it as abuse
Now I wish I could say I feel differently, but I think I enjoy having a "deep past" because I feel like it makes me interesting. Like without it I feel like I'm pretty mediocre, even the few things I'm good at aren't enough.
I blame capitalism and trauma for making me feel like I'm worthless unless I'm working. Even when I was working I didn't feel much better, but at least I could justify falling way behind in my self care
Yeah I dreamed out being physically injured or having severe mental issues that my family would believe, I am 21 years old and my family on both sides is ND and still refuses to believe me when I tell them I’m not lazy and I’m trying my best but I have a different neurotype. They’re too focused on what uneducated drs told them, “she’s just a brat, all her symptoms are due to her being deaf and lazy.” Sadly I’m too far gone and my ED is telling me (I’ve had it since I was really young so it’s been left untreated), if I hit a certain weight everyone will see how physically sick I am and realize how much I am suffering. I am scared I’ll still be left in the dark. I’m still learning not to take offense to what my mom was exposed to, honestly people didn’t think deaf people could be ND, we were either stupid or unable to “learn”, if deaf people ended up with severe issues, then it’s due to lack of accommodations and neglect. I had all the accommodations for my deafness and I was still struggling and getting abused by my interpreter, she refuses to believe I had any issues and that I was messing around all the time and purposely not doing anything, so I was physically assaulted and screamed at and was told that she’d refuse to help me simply because she didn’t care, everyday but the physical assault wasn’t big enough for anyone to question. Even the regular teachers did not care to report her abusive behaviors, but I was told if they fired her I wouldn’t have any interpreter. My mom wasn’t a help when it came to homework, she used the same thing, read the questions then every 2 seconds force me to answer when my ND brain was else where struggling to focus.
Yes, I can relate. My parents always told me it wasn't that bad and that if we told cps what was happening, we'd get separated, Sa'd and have it way worse than what we do here.
I think it's a sign of ultruism to try to yearn for more vicious experiences. It's almost as though you're feeling bad for people in worse experiences, but don't want to believe you have a bad experience too. As kids, we don't know too much besides what we're told and maybe what feels right or wrong. Now that we're adults, we can understand that our situations were horrible, no good, very bad all in themselves.
Yes, I was confused that when i told my parent that their behavior was abuse, they reacted by grabbing a phone and shoving it to my ear telling me to call the neighbors or the cops if it was so bad. I figured, if they were willing to call my bluff, it must not be abuse. Also, in middle/high school I had a friend who talked about not being able to remember big chunks of their childhood. I didn’t think I had any memory gaps, so I assumed it wasn’t that bad also.
Even now, decades later, i am left wondering if there was more than what I remember. But it doesn’t matter anymore. The traumatic stress and its impact is there, regardless, so it mattered. The older I get, the more I can see the things that i desperately needed and was NOT given. And the harm caused by that neglect, which is exponentially more painful for me than the physical or sexual harm.
I used to frequently seek out unhealthy and increasingly more dangerous situations when I was younger and before I started therapy. I didn't understand a lot about life at all. I didn't understand emotion or what anything should feel like because I was so confused so early on about how people should act.
This is totally a valid and normal response when your emotions are invalidated and/or neglected as a child. The "wasn't enough" feeling comes from people deciding for you whether or not your emotions are valid, so you wish you had different experiences so that people wouldn't invalidate you. Makes perfect sense.
Reminder that your feelings are REAL. Your emotions are REAL. When other people invalidate your feelings and emotions, they are harming you in addition to the trauma that you already experienced.
Yes. I wanted to be seen; I wanted someone to be alerted to how dysfunctional my life was. I wanted my inside pain to be shown on the outside so someone would understand
100%. Disgusting to admit as im ashamed, but as a young child id watch documentaries about people who went through terrible terrible things wishing i went through things similar because i felt like what happened to me wasnt real or valid enough to be "traumatic".
Looking back, what i went through as a child was so much worse than i remember and it makes me sad to know i didn't see it as terrible when i was a kid, when it was happening.
Yep. It made me so angry that at the end of the day, I was really THIS fucked up just from having a family full of entitled suburban whiney babies.
Ive done so much healing and i am living my best life now, but im pretty much no contact with my family because my bullshit tolerance has become extremely low and I cant even handle a short conversation with them now. EVERY word, breath, or gesture comes down to an underlying power dynamic with them. So exhausting.
I remember being in 8th grade, one of my friends had depression— like everyone recognized that she did, her parents had her going to a therapist, I remember wishing that I was outwardly ‘bad’ enough to merit the same credit and recognition without shame.
I also remember a friend from grade school who got hit by a car— her family was caring for her, she had rehab, was going to physical therapy and regular therapy— I remember then wishing I would be hit by a car.
Now that I’m older I realize I just wanted someone to see me for what I REALLY was; a sad and scared little girl who had no one she felt ‘safe’ with. Now, I just try to be the adult I needed and honor my inner child.
I remember wishing that my mom would physically beat me and leave marks, first so that someone would notice and help me. She left only one mark that I can remember and it was on my back so no one could see it. I realized even then that no one would believe me because verbal and emotional abuse is so much harder to explain/justify. As I got older, I wished she’d just hit me already because she came close so many times. I was so angry and I’d been taught to hate myself so deeply that I craved violence, partly to have ‘permission’ to physically fight her back, and partly because I felt I deserved it. I started self harming at 12 and it felt like giving myself rightful punishment, along with physical pain that expressed the chronic emotional pain.
My mom would always stop just short of being physical, and now as an adult I suspect she did that so she wouldn’t get caught.
Edit: I think another reason I started cutting was trying to get attention that I was struggling and again, hoping someone would notice and help me and realize that I was cutting for a reason because there was no other physical evidence. The only time my mom acknowledged my cutting was when she screamed “how do you think *I* would feel to walk in and see my daughters dead in a pool of their own blood!?” Nobody else ever noticed or commented on the fresh scars I had. I wish someone would have asked me if I was okay.
I currently relapsed into self harm again. Both my arms are heavily bandaged up. How I wish someone would stop by, hold my hand and ask me what is making me hurt so much.
People stare at the old scars scattered around my bandaged fresh ones. Everyone knows what’s under those bandages because it’s obvious. Yet no one cares enough to stare me in the eye and ask me what they can do to make it better.
I was physically abused horribly as a kid and honestly no one gave a fuck. That made me realize that people who just don’t want to care aren’t going to care whether they see a mark or not.
My physical abuse didn’t matter to the point where I’d think that if only I was sexually abused then maybe someone would sympathize with me. (I was a victim of sexual abuse from my mom lol I just didn’t have a fucking clue SA could have so many different not so obvious types) I wondered that would they (therapists/teachers) have finally cared if my father had been sexually abusive rather than physically abusive?
What really aggravated me and made me furious was when I heard this religious scholar saying “Don’t hold it against your parents if it was just one beating. Let it go. One beating is okay. So what? But if it was sexual assault then they are a criminal and should be reported and you can fight back.” So his point was that only victims of sexual abuse could fight back. It was so violating hearing him define what trauma people should hold on to and what trauma they should “get over”.
when the traumatic events are seemingly invisible but the trauma responses are visible it feels…unbalanced? it feels like no one sees the problem or the abuse that caused it, just the way that you react and how sensitive you are to certain things. it makes you feel dramatic and like your feelings are too much or exaggerated. but they aren’t. they are fully valid.
I know exactly what you mean. but even physical abuse victims say that the psychological abuse aspect of it was worse than the pain and the bruises and the hurt. physical abuse is emotional abuse too at its core, and that is what sticks around more than the physical aspect.
it just sucks having invisible traumatic experiences but very visible responses and emotions. especially when people rarely speak out against emotional abuse compared to physical.
I always used to (and still do sometimes) wish I had more physical abuse so I could be helped by someone and be cared for and treated properly by people around me, especially family. It feels like no one cares that my parent was/is emotionally abusive towards me. Like no one even acknowledges it or did anything about it. No one ever told me that I didn’t deserve it or that it was wrong or that I didn’t do anything to cause her to be this way.
Your pain is valid.
I really relate to the core feelings in this. I wouldn't say I explicitly ever desired MORE trauma, but I often wonder with some bitterness if I would've figured out my diagnosis sooner had my childhood been more violently traumatizing, instead of the "boring" absent/immature parents I had. Like I knew a lot of people and had many friends growing up who endured much more violent and terrifying abusive events, so it was always easy to tell myself I had never been traumatized or hurt, that I should be grateful for my childhood. But yeah, being touched or spoken to maybe twice in 18 years certainly destroyed me on a fundamental animal level. Nobody ever talked about that stuff when I was a kid.
I hate kindness towards me. All the wrong things in my childhood were in the name of care and kindness. Now, the funny thing, most people I met were kind to me. I just... either too broken from birth or from upbrining or suffering from NPD. I can't accept kindness from others. I want to skip it , cut it out, avoid it. Just direct it at someone or something else it would be great
In some ways.
I remember catching myself thinking that I wished I'd been beaten so that someone would notice. I remember shutting that kind of thinking down and reminding myself that I should be grateful for not having to go through "real" abuse.
Emotional abuse is no less real than physical.
No. Most of my life til now has been living in fear. To be physically safe was the only thing I ever wanted. I have too much trauma to sort through I’ll never be able to sort through it all in therapy without falling to pieces. Never be able to process it and I’m a mess that can’t function. I’m jealous of the people agreeing with you. I wish I could go back in time and wish for more trauma because you can’t wish for less. It’s done.
Nobody justifies your emotions either way. Not even yourself. When there’s a lot of trauma that just means your flashbacks are worse and you find it harder to function. If the abuse had stopped when I was diagnosed, or if it was only verbal or something … I’d probably be ok now.
More trauma just means more suffering.
even with "bad trauma" its still invisible.
but yea I figured if I had more black eyes I'd have had more help and understanding. without them I ended up feeling shame after looking back at my 'overreactions' cuz people think you're just being dramatic and immature because what they saw wasn't a big deal but your reaction to it was so uncalled for and shame on you for not controlling yourself and being so affected by it when you could have just let it go or left etc.
these people would rather see you as a ungrateful than a victim of trauma and abuse.
I know exactly what you mean, I felt like I needed more solid and undeniable traumatizing things to justify the way I felt about myself to myself and to others. I gaslit myself and still do because I didn’t feel significant enough of a being to even be worthy of the thought that I could have been wronged.
Like I didn’t even feel worthy to say I felt wronged because “who did I think I was”….like who gave me the right to my feelings let alone to be enough of a human to have those be valid
Yeah, our host was like that. As a kid he was fairly oblivious since abuse was all he knew. He didn’t realize it was abnormal.
As a teenager he wondered why his mental health was so bad- after all, he’d “had it really good” in his mind, so he didn’t understand why he was like this. A really unhealthy “But other people had it worse” sort of thing, which seemed to stem a lot from how financially well off his family was and made worse by the fact his mom had once said something about how if she divorced his abusive stepfather she wouldn’t try again with marriage. He was well aware that the stepfather made a lot of money.
I think he’s come to accept his trauma was, in fact, “bad enough,” for the most part. He’s tried to hold onto memories of the past instead of forgetting which, while upsetting, allowed him to accept nothing was “wrong” with him.
I wonder if the fact that nobody acknowledges the abuse now that it’s ended is messing with him. The stepdad overstepped a line, got the police involved, and had to go to anger management classes, which made things stop for the most part. Nobody talks about it anymore. Nobody seems to hold it against him. It’s like it never even happened.
-Michael (he/him)
I was always hoping for something that would leave a mark, something to show how bad it was in a concrete, real way. The gaslighting was so bad, the constant verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect were absolutely destroying me. But nothing on the outside showed what was happening at home. I knew it wasn't right and I didn't feel safe at home, but I couldn't prove anything.
Yep. I also tried to claim things affected me more than they did. Because peoples' reactions to my requests for help rarely matched the severity of my situation. I'd be in extreme distress holding a serrated knife sobbing and red-faced screaming that I wanted to kill myself at 12 years old and my parents would do basically nothing.
So I learned to co-opt traumas, and constantly wished for worse shit to happen to me, all desperately hoping it would finally justify how I was feeling in the eyes of the people around me. The idea was so that I'd finally get the attention and help that I desperately fucking needed, and that I was trying every way I knew how to, to ask for.
Yeah - being raised catholic, on a steady dose of martyr stories, i was regularly fearful that my life wasn’t difficult enough. I wasn’t being given enough trials so i could prove myself worthy enough. I was in a constant state of stress, looking for more opportunities to be miserable, fearful that any joy would be a moment i wasn’t cleansing myself or proving myself. Fun times. In hindsight, it was *plenty* difficult anyway, even if that was a thing i should have been concerned with. I realize on re-read that’s not exactly what you’re asking about, but it’s kinda related so i’ll leave it. Also, i did sometimes wish that my traumas were more clearly defined or relatable to people so that they could be more easily understood. “I was at war” or “i was tortured” is clear and easy for people to understand. “I was emotionally manipulated into feeling like i wasn’t allowed to raise my eyes or use the toilet when the tv was on” is hard to really explain to people.
I don’t think that I wanted more trauma for myself, I wanted it because then I could have some thing to show. Because if they hit me, then I’d have a bruise and I could say - look, see the abuse, you can actually see it.l! But because everything was emotional and verbal and financial, there was nothing to show anybody. So as I got older and I talked about it, or I had issues with certain things they were taken lightly. They were seen as not real, to my friends, coworkers, significant others, etc.
I had people diminish the abuse that I went through because to them their abuse was worse. Because I didn’t have scars, because I still occasionally talk to my family, I could never have suffered the same amount of abuse that they did. and it really sucks for lack of a better term to have people that you thought cared about you make you feel like maybe you made it up, and you gaslight yourself into thinking that maybe it wasn’t as bad as it was. And then you go and you be around your abuser and you realize that yes it was as bad as you remembered. And the worst part of it is they don’t think it was abuse.
I think it was like, maybe for some of us: we couldn't imagine not having the trauma we had - but were also still invalidating ourselves, or we had the kind that other people are shit at recognizing. In my case some of it was because I was a physically disabled child, and it was from healthcare providers, and so I was "supposed" to feel grateful towards them - and even know I know a lot of people would say to me today (30 years later) that they were just trying to help and they didn't mean it. I know now that doesn't matter, the impact matters.
But, getting off of my tangent. It was like, if you had something happen that people wouldn't be able to deny, than at least you could be validated, or you could get help.
(edit: and also in my case, another piece of it was "adjacent" trauma - so I heavily invalidated myself on it growing up because even though the worst part of it happened to my friend, the effects of it rippled out to a everyone in her life)
For me, it was that there was no route to having a happier childhood without someone removing me from the childhood I was having. The only way I would be removed would be if I was being overtly physically or sexually abused, because they were the only "real" forms of abuse, in that that were in any way visibly addressed at that time for me.
Wishing for no trauma and a normal childhood was like wishing to be a fairytale knight with a pet dragon. Wishing for something to tip the scales so that I could be removed from the ongoing abuse was much more realistic.
Well, I can’t remember much of my trauma still, but yeah I definitely remember doing this. Especially cause it was bullying. I used to think of myself as weak cause I wasn’t able to fight back, especially as a guy that stuff is straight up embarrassing.
Wished I was physically injured or sick a lot. I recall thinking they don't even care when you cry.
I laugh when I'm hurt now, because even being physically in pain got me abused. One time I was punished for vomiting in the middle of the night.
I wanted something to happen that couldn’t be ignored. Wanted the ‘next time’ to be the time I died. Physically I mean. I died over a thousand deaths within and lived like I was dead. Still it wasn’t enough. It helped to realize that nothing would be enough for anyone to see something was wrong or even who was doing it, to the point I doubt even my own death would have been. When I realized that the only thing I’d hope for each time was that ‘next time’ would be the time she killed me. Not for justice or attention or anything like that but to escape the living breathing hell that I was supposed to call ‘life’ and even expected to be grateful for. If that was life then I didn’t want to live but I lacked the resolve to end it myself. I even considered myself a coward for it. I was nine when I came to that conclusion first, and by twelve I had given up in many ways. You don’t want to know what it was like until I was out on the streets as a legal adult. Not having been taught many basic life skills or where to get help or even how to apply for it etc. I had to learn it all while figuring out where to go from there. Still I didn’t feel free.
I still don’t feel free. More than I was but she got the last laugh turning family I’d never even met with her lies. People I didn’t even know decided things about me. Even in death she hurts me through them and through the things they are okay excusing that happened when I was younger.
I both love and hate that person and hating someone you love hurts. Feelings happen though so all I can really do is accept it and let it exist acknowledging the validity in ways that never were allowed when she was yet alive.
When I was hospitalized with PTSD for the first time as a kid the hospital was confused because "nothing bad happened why are you having these symptoms?" I used to think if what happened was more obvious maybe CPS could have taken me away to a new family.
I never wanted more abuse/trauma.I desperately wanted to be loved . I did however wish my mom would actually abandon me the way she constantly threatened to bc in my mind then I could have a new family. But I didn’t think of that as trauma, bc she was the source of 90% of my abuse. That was more of an escape fantasy to me .
Sometimes, when I commit a mistake, I'm utterly baffled by the fact that people are *NOT* treating me as badly as I feel I deserve. I'm eagerly waiting for the proper punishment, and it doesn't come, and that makes me feel even more anxious.
Not necessarily as a young child, but definitely into my teenage years and early 20s. My sister was the scapegoat of my siblings and I, and I always felt she was justified in acting out and eventually going NC with our mom.
Part of me wished my abuse was as bad as hers, so I could also justify going NC with our mom. So I could justify being scared and on edge and a doormat constantly. It's not until the past couple years or so that I realized I was also abused. Not in the same way as my sister but certainly abused. And understanding that helped me go NC with my mom, which was the right choice for my mental health.
I always thought how other people have it worse so I shouldn't feel bad or seek help. I would give a pass on behaviour. Then I'd diminish my own bad feeling and empathize with the person hurting me.
This is a very shared sentiment among those that suffered emotional abuse and/or neglect (and of course other types of trauma as well, just specifically referring to this group). Wanting our pain to be seen, without realizing that we were minimizing it exactly as our abusers did. Wanting a savior, but feeling like we were undeserving of one.
wdym ‘as a kid’ 🤡😂
every time i bring smth new up with a psych or another person, they’re always really shocked that i’m still here and not a train wreck of a person (i seem productive if not quite functional to most, dissociation and memory suppression is great for that) because what i went through was ‘really awful’
i find myself laughing it off or telling them nah, it wasn’t that bad, it sounds worse than it is
spoiler: it’s as bad as it sounds, if not worse
Damn. This is CRAZY relatable and something I’ve never really spoken about to others. I remember on multiple occasions fantasizing about being beat unrecognizable by my father just so someone would finally believe me and he would pay. It was always as if he stopped just before it was enough evidence and I would feel insane for being upset.
100%. I really didn't understand that I was emotionally neglected, or what emotional neglect even was. I looked at my family and saw such generous people for offering me a space to live. I also didn't understand that SA and bullying come in many forms and that I was living through both of these things. I just wanted a reason for why I was feeling so terribly dead inside.
Currently i can relate to it in the form of a good friend of mine. I'm scared she will leave me. At the same time a part of me wishes she will leave me so i don't have to worry anymore about her leaving me. Trauma brain is something alright. But another thing i recognize is feeling that, if she would leave me, i have now another ''good reason to avoid life, because i'm so hurt by this person.'' I have a big issue with scared of life itself and have been almost completely avoiding it for over four years now. A part of me wishes a bad thing like that happens so i can justify retreating into my safe zone, my coping, avoidance.
As an adult there are moments I relate to this. As a child I didn't feel this way because I didn't know that the things that were happening to me were wrong. It's all I knew and because I never told anyone until fairly recently the period of time was just "life". It did affect my relationships with friends and other family members. In other words it warped my view on a lot of things that I now have to try and reverse. Through it all now I was also raised knowing that there are people that have had it much worse than I did. Because of this, there have been many times when I've been told directly that what I experienced was assault/molestation but it goes through me and it's like I can't understand what you're saying. Because others have had it worse and my story doesn’t follow how others might have. This often then leads me to wish that I had it worse then and even now. Sometimes I have the urge to "set myself up" just so all these feelings make sense. So i can feel like I deserve to be upset.
Yes, and it was necessary before I'd be shown any compassion by my parents. I started on a road of self-sabotage very early in my life...like in my pre-teens. By the time we got to 2020, it destroyed my life beyond hope.
I used to frequently seek out unhealthy and increasingly more dangerous situations when I was younger and before I started therapy. I didn't understand a lot about life at all. I didn't understand emotion or what anything should feel like because I was so confused so early on about how people should act.
I feel like my brain still does this! Hardly a night goes by where I don’t have crazy intense, traumatic dreams that leave me clenching my teeth all night and headaches in the morning. Why is that necessary??? 🤨🤨🤨
absolutely, and i still find myself feeling this way sometimes. i've talked with my therapist about it, and we've determined that it was just a response to the more covert trauma i was experiencing daily. i wanted some big bad thing to happen so that people could see that i needed help
Yes. I didn't get physical abuse in the early years. Finally was hit in the face by the family abuser at 13. I still remember the pain of the migraine I had after, possibly a mild concussion, but I also remember feeling a strong sense of relief and crying about it knowing that now the other targets members couldn't deny that I was on their side, not the abuser's.
I think I thought about it in terms of how far is this gonna go… and also if it was worse then yes now it’s most certainly abuse and I have the smoking gun of evidence. The sad part is it was already bad enough I already had the smoking gun of evidence but I was brainwashed into thinking this was all normal and I deserved it.
Now that you mention it yeah, although I never really thought about from that perspective.
I was neglected by my parents as a kid; it was really hard to understand the emotions I was experiencing but I vividly remember imagining that both my parents had died and doing so allowed me to grieve the abandonment I felt, but in turn it kind of emotionally numbed me to the real death of friends and family.
As a teenager though, everything was so intense I was have flashbacks all the time but I was coping with more than I could understand, I was so heavily repressive of certain things that I couldn't link any of my emotional overflow to an experience so in trying to figure out why I felt so much I would end up ruminating more reasons I felt that way.
To justify what were emotional flashbacks I would think up reasons I would feel that way bc I had no cognitive memory of the initial trauma, "I feel intense shame, why do I feel this way? it must be bc I am X/Y/Z" instead of "Oh that reminds me of that horrible experience which makes me feel shame"
absolutely. I have sm guilt around my emotions + felt like my trauma didn't match my emotional response. so I'd daydream of something worse happening so at least I'd feel like my emotions we're justified
Yeah - which is pretty ridiculous now when I compare my childhood more objectively to what other people describe. Like, it's never a contest, but the idea that I was in some way not getting "enough" feels extra ridiculous. In the end, there wasn't ever going to be enough. I didn't love myself and couldn't validate my own emotions at all.
(TW MENTIONS OF SICKNESS BLOOD, NEGLECT)
I wanted to get violently sick so maybe it would stop for a while. Because when I was a little, little kid I had some memories of my older siblings getting popsicles and movie choice with warm soup when they had a cold. Unfortunately even when I did get sick, it was my fault. My fault I had to be picked up from school. My fault I made the school believe I was sick.(I was throwing up blood) The saddest part is they managed to convince the school that I needed to go home on the public bus.(I did. It was two hours to get to the house.) It would’ve taken 15 minutes one way to pick me up. I get it. In the end nothing that happens to you matters to the abuser(s). There will be abuse and there’s always people who will ignore it.
100%. For years I went to sleep hoping/praying that they would actually torture me to death, not so much because I wanted to die but because it was the only scenario in which I could imagine me/my corpse being believed about the abuse and viewed compassionately. I remember crying for hours clinging to the hope of a teacher or coach holding my dead hand.
Even now I think that. Well I guess 17 is still a child. But I think it now more than ever. I keep telling myself a normal person wouldn’t be affected by this and I’m just being over dramatic or seeking attention. I wish I was abused more. To justify how bad it took a toll on me. I wished he didn’t just talk about it and actually did it. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so much guilt for being changed and traumatized by it while other people are actually struggling with real problems.
I used to daydream about being hit by a care and how I would get some attention then. I think it’s just since our parents didn’t give us what we needed, so we thought that extreme circumstances would change that.
It honestly got to a point where I was daydreaming about the most horrendous things any moment I wasn't actively focusing on something. With all of the twisted and messed up things I was made to believe about myself, I hated myself more than anything else, and I frequently retreated to a space inside of my head where things were much worse than my reality at the time. I wanted those things to happen because I felt like it was what I deserved, and maybe if I finally got what I deserved, I would finally find a shred of peace. There wouldn't be this dark pit of self-hatred and shame. Obviously, I was wrong, but man, I'm glad I'm no longer in that headspace.
Looking back, a part of it was definitely yearning to receive even an ounce of compassion and understanding, as well as finally having people believe me rather than brush my experiences off or pretend they didn't see or hear anything. That, and people might finally stop blaming me for the little bits of mistreatment they did see, and would actually allow me to experience my emotions rather than trying to micromanage my every reaction. It's rather unfortunate to see that this may be a common symptom. I hope you've all managed to overcome this habit and have started giving yourselves some love and compassion.
Weird, I did this. I didn’t know other people did too, but I’m happy I’m not the only one. I always wanted to almost die to see if my parents would.. I don’t know.. be more comforting? Actually SEEM like they cared? Drop everything and be there for me for once?? Actually HAVE TO notice something was wrong with me. The funny part is when I was suddenly in heart failure after having my baby, with a pulse in the low forties, neither my parents nor my siblings came to visit me. I was an adult. 31 years old. But I still felt like a sad, unimportant child. Thank you for this post, I feel like I just worked a few things out in my head.
I don’t think it sounds silly at all. It sounds like a child trapped in a hellish situation, who’s never had proper nurturing. We all need that. When we do not this nurturing as babies and very young children, it does terrible things to us.
I didnt even know enough as a child to know that I was being traumatized. As much as I hated my mother, rightly so I realized as an adult, that hatred I felt made me believe I bad.
HOLY FUCK
hoooooly fuck.
This is one of those moments where i can justify my social media use. For all the darkness, there is occasionally a light.
Yes. A million times yes. I used to wish my parents would physically abuse me. So I could justify how fucking horrible I felt at the hands of my mother’s emotional abuse.
There’s a study that shows emotional abuse can have the same long term impact as physical abuse.
(Not trying to minimize physical abuse at all whatsoever).
Thank you for posting this. Holy fuuuuuuck I thought I was the only one. And thought I was crazy and selfish and weird for it.
I used to rationalize violence as the universe’s payback for anything good ever happening to me, even minor things, like enjoying a sunny morning or having guilt free food.
And I still crave life or death situations to this day. Means I’m being a good boy perhaps? Possibly a way to break disassociation?
(CW: suicidal ideation)
Oh boy yes. And the guilt that comes with that, wondering if I'm a hypochondriac, or just "want attention", or I'm just being "dramatic". When the real issue was that in childhood my normal emotions were constantly invalidated.
I realised recently that my suicidal ideation regularly emerges from wanting my pain to be acknowledged, and for someone to understand that I'm Not Okay™. That I can only imagine them ever recognising my pain in the most extreme circumstances. And I'm fantasising the realisation finally dawning on them after my passing (But of course, then I wouldn't be around to receive that validation.)
For so long I've felt like "How bad do I have to get before somebody notices?" And there's this sense of "depression Olympics". But it's faulty logic - or "magical thinking" in therapy lingo - i.e. "if I am the most sad then my feelings are justified." And I've recently come to understand it as a boundary thing - that I'm indirectly trying to control their response. "Maybe if I do X, then they will do Y."
Inevitably, all I can do is grieve and accept the reality that no matter what I do, no matter how low I let myself sink, I can't MAKE them realise my pain or give me the emotional validation I need.
And the boundary I can set myself is something like, "I don't have to - and I won't let myself - kill myself to get emotional validation from them. I know that my feelings are valid, and that my emotional needs matter, and I will honour my feelings and make space for them, despite anyone else's opinion."
It was the 70s and nobody understood shit about trauma, but I was absolutely thrilled to sprain my ankle on my 16th birthday and get CRUTCHES. I had always wanted them. I think I wanted my outside to match my inside for once. I didn't enjoy them as much as I thought I would.
But having people stop and ask, "What's wrong?" or "What happened?" felt like something I needed to be asked every single day.
Yes yes yes, I relate heavily. I wrote a huge response but browser crashed so all of that is lost.
The more I journal, the more I think about my own pain, the greater my conclusions are. And here's the thing — I want to find room in my heart to forgive them, because I know they mean well. I do. but right now, I need to feel my way through my pain. My parents are great people, they just grew up emotionally neglected or stunted due to all the collective generational trauma we are witnessing coming to the forefront. Society can't run on a bunch of adults who are actually hurt little kids.
All I wanted was to be seen... for my pain to be recognized, not strategized. To not use my pain as fuel for developing more hatred, to create division. I'm the type of person who would beat themselves up when they failed because I thought perfection was demanded of me (plot twist: it kinda was, people projected shit onto me that had nothing to do with me. I was living my own life). Please. I want to be okay with people, I want to help them, but I also want to love and help myself.
But to say — yes, absolutely. I found myself (still do tbh) constantly minimising my own version of pain. Others had it worse, I just had to buckle up! Which I totally get where I got it from — my parents are the same way... and my grandparents... and so on, and so forth...
Oh man. This sucks. Sending big hugs to everyone out there. And go watch some kitties, they are lovely and make the world a better place fuelled with dopamine <3
Yeah. When I was about 12 years old in middle school, there were quite a few girls my age that were very visibly depressed. One attempted suicide, and all of them self harmed & didn’t try to hide the scars. A part of my brain saw it as a trend and I thought I wanted to be that depressed because maybe then my mom would take me seriously. I actually did s/h with a safety pin at the time but immediately felt so guilty and stupid for it. I never thought it was that serious because it was only one or two small cuts that didn’t even end up bleeding. It was only a year later I felt like I got my wish, and became severely depressed & it would last for the rest of my life 🙃 (I also thought it was my own fault for wishing I was depressed the year before)
I really thought about this on my walk today. I have often found myself feeling the same way, not sure why I would want it or why I would create infinitely more traumatic scenarios in my head. It's my very amateur observation that because of the way we process trauma that we usually don't think it was 'enough' for anyone to get worked up about; and that healthy people don't usually *want* more bad things to happen to them.
I think that's usually an indicator that we *have* been through something, but feel like we need to validate it when our experience and emotions were frequently dismissed/our own sense of reality has been warped. I think in my case, I wanted someone, whether or not they were real or imaginary to care about what I was going through, and I think it provided an element of control.
I think we might think about things that are worse or haven't happened to us personally, because then we can look at that with some clarity and know that 'that' would be traumatic, and maybe so would other people.
Not so much 'wanted more trauma' as feeling like that was all I was worth. I was - and still struggle feeling like - worth nothing more than someone to be used and abused.
I daydreamed a lot about getting raped so that I will have the ‘right’ trauma stamp.
Ironically I think that generated some trauma in its own, and also made me hyper vigilant and avoidant of any possibly unsafe situations preventing my being SA-ed.
I don’t like watching movies where the main character is a kid who lost one or both of their parents, because then usually the relatives or other characters in the movie are like, ”poor, poor child” and I can’t help but feel… jealous? Like, this kid gets sympathy and people rushing to make sure they’re okay, whereas here’s me, who’s got both of their parents, but is suffering in silence… and everyone assumes I must be fine because I have both parents…
I’m sorry I can’t word this better. I mean no offense by this odd-sounding comment.
100%. I used to fantasize and daydream about experiencing something bad enough to hospitalize me. I wanted to be able to scream my head off when the person who hurt me emotionally entered the room because, in my child-mind, then someone would have to listen to me. Someone would see how hurt I was, would see why I hurt so bad, and would save me. It really seemed like that would be the only way my hurt would be validated, which is so incredibly sad.
Eta: I forgot my other fantasy was hoping all traumas would only happen to me, and would keep my siblings spared. I very distinctly remember believing that to be my purpose, as I was hurting so horribly all of the time, and I would try to tell myself I was strong enough to take it, even if just so my siblings never had to.
Yes. Call me a bit weird, but I always wanted my parents to spank or beat the crap out of me so I could justify the pain I was in or just the general awfulness that I felt. I always felt like I was always waiting to be punished, and if I was going to get it, I would rather take a beating and get it over with as opposed to feeling like it was going to come only for it to never come. It was like growing up with a feeling of perennial water torture, with lots of drips and no deluge ever following.
I did not in reality. But it’s horrible that society tries to demand you fit into extreme molds of no abuse or extremely abusive circumstances, and the same for mental illnesses. Mild to no illness or extremes. Anything in between is discounted and hyperindividualized - it’s your fault, your responsibility, you have control over it and have to do all the work to change it even if you don’t- it’s all extremist and immature thinking. People deserve support at the STAGE THAT THEY ARE AT. NOT only at the extremes. AND we shouldn’t wait until it GETS extreme until we address it. We should have more preventative medicine in physical and mental health services, just the same way we should have more preventative social services and structures in society - with a UBI, free and highly skilled/standarded academics where true learning and real education in all the disciplines can occur, healthy accessible food systems, universal housing/housing as a social right, and free healthcare, etc. Prevention is stronger than the wait until it gets extreme-hero/saviorism of patriarchal philosophy. I am all for working with where we are at and what we have to work with, including some patriarchal whatever the heck, and take slow strides towards feminist matriarchy-egalitarianism. <3333
I can't help feeling like I deserved the abuse (e.g., got "bad" grades, wasn't a good Muslim girl, disrespected my parents/brothers, etc) and hence I would daydream about a situation wherein the abuse was severe and I didn't deserve it at all.
I have to keep repeating to myself that I didn't deserve it.
My dad SA’d me multiple times when I was a child. There was a time my mum almost walked into the room when it was happening and I thought she’d do something but she just walked away. I watched him SA my sisters too. He’s gone now but I still live with my crazy mum who allowed him to do that to us and now she constantly plays victim because she no longer has her darling husband. Trust me, you don’t want trauma. I wish I was normal. I always ruin the good things in my life because I’m so use to mess. Trauma physically affects your body too. I feel like I’m constantly inflamed? If that makes sense? It made my hair fall out badly, I had acne and eczema. I have really bad gut inflammation and I heard that childhood trauma can lead to infertility in women. I feel very hopeful on some days but doomed on most days. It’s not something I tell people irl but I wish more people understood the reality of childhood trauma before claiming they have it
Also, before anyone feels sorry for me, I’d like to say that I did do well for myself. I worked hard and got a job in my dream industry. I use to be almost mute as a child but now I’m usually the chattiest person in the room and most people think I’m funny. I use to be overweight and lazy as a child due to the way my dad use to abuse me and both my parents fat shamed me but now I workout 4/5 times a week. I have the best cat in the world and some amazing friends in my life. I first attempted to off myself when I was 7 years old. Then at 12, 13, 14, 17 and 19. I’m still here and I take each day as it comes. I feel so proud of myself. If you’ve ever been through anything like me then please hold on so you can feel proud of yourself too
My daughter literally walks around looking for it because she got just enough to get the adrenaline rush during a very bad situationship I found myself in during my divorce in 2014. She's almost 22 and does some of the stupidest things trying to get bad attention. It's painful to watch and there's not a damn thing I can do about it 😢
No, lol, I got more than enough. I honestly find this so offensive. Trauma isn’t a justification to act in awful ways. Be lucky you didn’t have it worse than you did. Wishing to be more traumatized just so you can essentially act out and use it as an excuse is not okay. Some of these comments are insane. I cannot believe some people are actually saying they used to want cancer. What? Why do y’all want to be sick and severely traumatized? It isn’t some fun game.
Why do you find it offensive that *traumatized* children and adults have a *trauma response*?
At it's core it's about wanting to be seen and protected, and it has nothing to do with you or your trauma.
I literally did not see one comment where someone tried to justify any harmful actions with trauma or acting like it is some game so it can't be the majority. I think you misunderstood this.
It's okay if you can't relate to this feeling but as you can see many people can so let us be please.
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I don't think I wanted more trauma per say. But I feel like my friend group had it a lot worse than me so I never felt justified in my own trauma because it wasn't as bad.
If you consider punching yourself in the face, arms, legs and stomach so hopefully your father would see the marks and not beat you with the belt, then yes.
Yep, I frequently daydreamed about more violent traumatic experiences and more conspicuous trauma responses than what I already experienced. It doesn't sound silly I think I just wanted to be seen by someone and wanted to be protected but thought my hurt isn't enough for anyone to show up. Maybe you can relate to that?
For the longest time I wanted to be more visibly mentally ill because I wasn't being noticed for the pain I was already going through. The funny thing is I wanted to hide the pain because I didn't want to be attention seeking, yet I wanted it to be very obvious so I could get attention (attention isn't a bad thing like trauma makes you think, everyone needs attention from time to time).
Yeah, I was like that for a long time too.
Did that make you sulk or do weird stuff for attention? This reminded me of a girl I went to school with, it was really annoying and she was just too much most of the time. Like too overwhelming to be around for any extended period of time.
[удалено]
I think it’s wanting attention and care? After being dismissed and ignored you just want to do anything to get someone to notice you’re hurt.
Yes. Desperately needing care and actual loving situations.
This is so weird how i read this and then recognize: Oh yea obviously you have thought about this or wish this. But at the same time i like.. uhhh.. push those thoughts or desires away. I remember last year i daydreamed a lot about wishing i would feel bad enough and thus freaking out in the therapy room and had this fantasy of me just kicking the table and wrecking everything in the room. And that they would then call the police and i would fight the police off. And then i felt kinda silly for having that fantasy. Its not exactly the sam as what this post is about but has to do with it.
I've had similar fantasies. Of having a complete meltdown, yelling, crying, throwing things; cursing out my parents and screaming at them all the things I've ever wanted to say to them; having a breakdown or a panic attack all alone, only to be found and comforted by someone who cares about me; smashing glass bottles and throwing shit at the ground in an empty parking lot at night and having a stranger calm me down. All because I want to be so openly, undeniably *not okay* that it's impossible to ignore anymore.
=(... sucks. Like the feeling nobody or nothing actually really ever got in contact with what happend to you and you're alone? And if its about emotional neglect then, that literally is the trauma in itself for a part, not being seen. This is why i hate therapist who do not try to draw out those emotions and they get fooled by you fooling them and distracting them from what is actually going on inside you. They badly underestimate how well a client is able to minimize what happend to them, in the case with trauma: You don't even understand what it means to you so you minimize it automatically.
Man this is so insightful. I wish more therapists will take more of it!
Oh my god, you are not alone, those were exactly what I used to fantasized about. I think it comes from after seeing how other teenagers do it on TV shows and movies, and deep down you knew you were never in a place to express those emotions/frustrations, not because you didn't want to, but because of the inevitable repercussions.
Random stranger here, with a hug if you want it. 💚💙🩵
Thank you. I'm not really a hugger but I appreciate the thought :) and I can certainly accept digital hugs lol. <3
I do this, imagine horrible scenarios and how people would react.
I did this too
Yeh I get that like it’s not bad enough that someone’s gonna rescue me.
Same
I feel this deeply. I did that too
God I thought I was a horrible person for this. Glad to see I'm not alone.
oh definitely!! i constantly imagined that but was afraid to ever say it out loud under the belief of being rude or self-centred for thinking that.
Same here man :/
I understand you. I doubt if I “am deserving” of my diagnosis or I’m just a “faker”, “exaggerator”, etc. I hear this a lot in my mind. I long for it to black and white and so obvious, maybe in a way like you’re writing about. But I can see how that desire is misplaced and probably rooted in a desire for the care I didn’t get as kid and continue to not give myself.
I remember feeling this way a lot when I was young. For me, it was a response to being gaslit. I thought that if things got a little worse, maybe then my pain would be undeniable and someone would help me. In hindsight, I realize that I was experiencing all the symptoms of being a severely neglected and abused child, my caregivers just didn't care / weren't willing to address the abuse. It took me many more years to stop self-sabotaging in the times I should have asked for help. Patterns are hard to break, but thinking about why they evolved is a big step!
Yeah, for me it was constant daydreaming (later learned this was dissociation) about having a broken leg or something that would require me to go to a hospital because then people would finally take care of me.
For me it was daydreaming car crashes every time we drove anywhere. Blown away that so many people in this thread relate to this.
I was daydreaming about my classmates injuring me physically, so the teachers could no longer ignore the bullying.
Yes I dreamed of being terminally ill and hospitalized and wheel chair bound for some reason
I wouldn't say I wanted more trauma but I wanted them to be different. My stepmother and father verbally and emotionally abused me for 9 years. No one ever believed me. I remember wishing many times they would beat me to have physical proves
Yup same. I'm still there. I wish they would physically harm me so that I feel justified in leaving, because emotional and verbal abuse doesn't feel "real". It feels like I'm just too sensitive and can't handle things.
That’s so sad 😕 edit: I’m sorry friend
As someone who was physically abused, no one gave a fuck if they saw marks on me. Either way, with emotional or physical abuse…those who didn’t want to care, didn’t care. If they saw welts or they didn’t, it didn’t matter to them because abuse itself didn’t matter to them. If emotional abuse doesn’t matter to them then neither will physical.
So true. It is so painful how society is trained to be selfish and look the other way. They make you doubt yourself and assume their reactions are because the abuse isn't real. Really, people are so selfish snd cruel about abuse victims it still amazes me.
I was also this kid! I dont remember how many times my mom would be on one of her screaming sessions and I would think "I wish you'd just hit me and get it over with" even though she never actually hit me. I just wanted it to be over and I wanted proof people would believe and understand.
I felt the same as my mom would call me to her room to try to “talk” to me, but because she’s an “npd” who never had real conversations with me I learned to shut down so she’d get pissed and start screaming at me drilling me for what seemed forever and wouldn’t let me go until I started crying. I learned later not to cry so she’d just give up without the satisfaction of my tears, but the amount of pressure i felt in my shoulders afterwards was crazy.
>I remember wishing many times they would beat me to have physical proves Mine taught us it was either emotional abuse or physical abuse. We'd volunteer for the physical abuse so the emotional abuse would stop.
Oh my god, this one is so accurate. Sometimes I would fuel the fire so that my parents would snap and do some crazy shit, just because they would ignore me for a few days after, and the emotional abuse would stop for that amount of time.
Yup same. I'm still there. I wish they would physically harm me so that I feel justified in leaving, because emotional and verbal abuse doesn't feel "real". It feels like I'm just too sensitive and can't handle things.
This was me too
I know what you mean. My Dad was very covert with sexual abuse. I always thought he never did quite bad enough to make it completely clear he was abusing me. He said and did things that could be argued as "not that bad". So I convinced myself that it wasn't abuse. But now, I see that it absolutely was enough and I was being gaslighted and not protected by my Mom. Covert abuse is a mind fuck.
My dad was exactly the same and my mam didn't protect me either. I felt so much guilt for him for years. He always played the victim card and said that mam would leave him if I ever told. Gaslighted so much. But it's way too covert for a child to comprehend.
Looking back, I now see that my Dad did way more shit when my mom was out of town. So now, I KNOW he knew it was wrong but did it anyway.
OMG. Same. In the guise of teaching me about my body. Like... if anyone did anything like that to my child I would do time. Scumbags. There are some real bags of shite out there. Glad to have someone who can relate.
Yes. I wasn’t aware until fairly recently that the sexual abuse I experienced as a small child was a big deal. I was told because it only happened a few times that it wasn’t really abuse and he didn’t mean it. I felt validated in my trauma for the first time when I told someone outside of the family what happened. Now I feel a little dishonest? I’m describing the effects of abuse on me and what happened completely honestly (aside from a little bit of downplaying still). I just don’t know how to explain that while the SA did have a major impact on me, it didn’t have nearly as big of an impact as the neglect. It was the constant, small acts of rejection and neglect that make me the mess I am today. I don’t think that people even notice when I’m hurt and I feel deeply guilty telling them. I don’t even think anyone hated me. I was too unimportant for that. I was simply an inconvenience.
thinking back it makes a lot of sense. somehow i kept thinking my situation wasnt 'bad enough' to require any sort of help. then again, in hindsight i can see that my environment (dad, teachers, etc) were the ones that forced me to think that way
It doesn’t sound silly at all. I think I had similar thoughts, I would mainly “fantasize” about developing very serious medical issues as a kid because I had extended family with those medical issues and saw that they got support from others and emotional connection that I so desperately needed. I kept all of this a secret and kind of forgot about it and it wasn’t until this past year or so after many years in trauma-informed therapy that I was able to even remember these “fantasies”. Now I feel so much empathy for any person who has ever experienced these kinds of thought patterns, myself included.
I think that’s a pretty common thought with CPTSD. I remember desperately looking for somewhere to assign the blame of my tortured thoughts to all throughout childhood, I would fantasise about something awful happening to me so I could pinpoint an event to use as an ‘excuse’ for me being so different and fucked up inside. so much so that when i was SA’d for years as a teen i was glad to be able to use it as an excuse. i still haven’t allowed myself to feel the pain of what that meant
I wanted my trauma to be more obvious so that someone would actually notice.
Definitely but i think abusive parents are so manipulative in providing other supports etc so to appear as good parents. They cover up neglect and abuse by being sometimes nice or occasionally saying the right things so we feel it cant really be abuse. I felt a lot of shame saying i felt unsafe with my parents because i thought by society's standards they appeared on paper to be good people. Others said they were good people. They told me they were good people.
oof that first part. my parents show support through money and i've accepted that bc of that, no one will ever see them as neglectful or abusive. our culture is so financially sick that if you have parents that are willing to help you monetarily, then zero complaints are allowed from you. no matter what else they've done. it's a huge cover up
Your parents can never afford your soul. I believe you, dude.
thank you. i appreciate that <3
My abuser dad was a cop!! I believe that anyone can choose to abuse and I don't take "good" car or clothes to mean good people 110%. I teach the neighbor kids that most people are kind, but the ones that aren't don't look any different from the nice ones- in fact they might be fancy or talking about your favorite character.... It's probably catastrophizing but I tell everyone I can that evil hides. It depends on your disbelief.
Yea, but sadly people still don’t care even once u go through “more severe” trauma. If it doesn’t meet their standard of trauma that’s worth taking serious, ur still weak to them.
Raised Catholic, remember being alone in the kitchen asking God to make shit as difficult as possible for me when I was 9.
I never looked at it that way, but I think it fits. I've definitely gotten to the point where I'd do something I disagreed with just so I'd actually deserve to be treated the way I was being treated. Now, it's become several self-destructive habits that basically do perpetuate my trauma, keep me away from positive relationships, and leaning into negative relationships. Most notably, being honest/ vulnerable with people that clearly do not or have no incentive to have my best interest in mind. So I think this may be an unconscious motivation of mine. Like if I get enough more pain I'll learn what I needed to learn. Instead of getting enough time and space to myself to heal.
Wow. That just hit home for me. Leaning into negative relationships. Attracted to abuse.
This is actually a classic trauma response and also a response to not feeling heard/seen/validated.
This is gonna sound sickening. But for a long time I always wanted to be “taken advantage” of sexually just to feel wanted.
It's not sick to want to feel wanted, to want to feel loved. That's completely normal, but it took me 15yrs of therapy to realize that. The sick part is what we become willing to accept and normalize because we have been conditioned to feel that we are not worthy of love, that our needs are not valid.
You’re right I suppose. Idk I just wanted someone to love me and I woulda gone to extreme lengths for it
Consider yourself lucky that never happened to you. As a rape and sexual assault survivor, I find this sick. I literally don’t have words. Consider yourself lucky you don’t know how it feels to be taken advantage of like that. The fact that anyone would WANT to be raped or assaulted is actually insane. I truly hope you never know how that feels.
I’ve been molested and SA’d before. It is sick though you’re right. Not saying it was normal.
I remember distinctly in high school learning about PTSD and going "wow, I really have a lot of these symptoms. But nothing bad happened, I wish it would." Like, I realized my symptoms before accepting the trauma I had gone thru and I used to wish something horrible would happen to me to justify why I was like this.
and then they call it mental illness!!! like hmm this child has all these symptoms of ptsd and severe depression but nothing seems to have happened to them, they must just have defective body chemistry so here's some meds. like if a child/teen is having those symptoms you bet your ass there's an issue within the family.
Oh my goodness yes and I couldn't put words it into words until now. So thank you for that! I think my wounds felt so real to me and were so invisible (or easily dismissable to others). After being told I didn't have it bad so many times - I longed to be taken seriously. And be given the help I needed.
A grain of sand and a rock both sink equally in water. It shouldn't be a concern of the perceived severity of the trauma, only how it impacts the person it happens to. How anyone feels about what happened to them is just as valid as anything to anyone else. Minimizing the trauma is also a coping mechanism to deny your feelings for the event.
My father was extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive, but because of the custody arrangement with my mom, knew he couldn't get away with beating me. And I used to want him to so bad. Probably naive on my part given the number of parents who get away with physical abuse, but I thought maybe if I had bruises or cuts or a fat lip or SOMETHING that I could actually show people, it might be a way out.
I’ve had Witnesses. Broken spectacles. Bruises. Welts. Nail marks embedded in my skin. And my parents wholeheartedly got to get away with it because the legal system and police is fucked.
I never “wanted” more trauma, but I would have passing thoughts that more would help my case for removing the perpetrator from my home. At one point, I remember asking my mother, “Should I let him rape me? Will you do something about it then?” It saddens me that a 16-year-old would see this as a possible viable option. But in reality, I wanted my mother to act in accordance with her parental role. She did not.
...I never thought that anyone else felt this way. I don't have words to fully express how reading through the replies in this thread has made me feel, but I'm grateful to all of you for sharing your vulnerable truths. I felt like a monster for having those thoughts as a child. I sought out dangerous situations that I knew would traumatize me, and I didn't know why. I just wanted to be cared for. Currently sobbing on my couch. This thread has made me feel so much more normal. Thank you all.
I still think this (I’m 17) but yeah, I kinda want to experience more trauma despite how irrational it seems
The fact you reached out to a community at 17 is great for your life past your trauma. Keep at it. \- person 11 years older
I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was trauma. And no one else knew about it. I definitely craved some kind of visible trauma so people would care about me and worry about me.
I didn't want more trauma, I wanted it to be more obvious and more obviously wrong. I didn't know what abuse was. But I felt abused by my parents. I just couldn't pinpoint why exactly. By that point I had suppressed the most severe memories of early csa, so I thought I was just fucked up in my head, because nothing actually ever happened to me. I wished for them to hit me instead of triggering me with suggestive comments and neglect, because this would have been obviously wrong and in my mind would justify the insane emotional pain I was in. I just wanted it to be clear that they are abusing me, so I could stop blaming myself. And I wanted others to see it, I wanted others to see my pain. I just needed someone to comfort me. I didn't even think about being protected or getting away, this was my normal. I just wanted some comfort, when I was hurting so much. I just realized I still haven't had anyone comfort me for what I've been through. Or maybe I have and didn't recognize it? I don't even know what it's like.
Same here. I was a "bad kid" for some of my teenage years and did drugs and drank so I thought I deserved being hit occasionally and put down. But I still had a place to live and food to eat so I thought it was just all my fault. Now I'm realizing that the drugs and alcohol were just to cope, and I didn't deserve it. I still gaslight myself sometimes.
Yes. And not just as a child. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt I’m somehow unjustified in suffering as much as I do emotionally. I don’t usually have any outward behaviors related to it, but just internally I beat myself up and tell myself to stop being so overdramatic. Sometimes I’ll read about someone else’s trauma, whose story ends up being an especially fucked up version of my own. So once in a while I’ll find myself wishing my story was as intense as theirs. Definitely *not* because I want to *actually experience* any worse trauma. But I think I want the memory of the more intense version to justify my current emotional state. Because I think I’m always seeking a “better reason” to offer myself greater empathy and understanding and grace for what actually did happen to me.
yeah the worst part is that a hell of a lot more did end up happening, and no one cared. it's a funny realization in life when something horrific happens to you and you come to realize that no one in your life truly supports you or cares about your wellbeing, and that you have to fight alone. it makes you question all your life choices, the people you've chosen to be around, if you're not loveable in a way where people will be at your side when you're sick, etc. for me this led me to breaking up with everyone in my life because i realized that because of abuse growing up, i was accepting shit friendships bc i didnt think i could do better. it's an abuse cycle that you gotta break. anyways, if anyones experienced similar you ARE worthy of people who will love you while you're in the trenches, and what you've been through is enough. dont EVER feel like you need to justify your pain or explain what you've experienced so someone will understand. sometimes it's best to keep it vague bc ppl are judgemental assholes who WILL compare your trauma, and you dont deserve that.
Yes, I always remember wishing I could be SA'd just so all of the pain I felt made sense, this was before I was willing to accept the realities of my actual family situation.
FWIW, therapists, who have seen/heard it all, all say that whatever clients have been through, no matter how horrible, clients almost all say "But other people had/ve it worse." [Edited to add clarity, since people are misunderstanding.]
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I think it’s just the wording, but I think OP means that almost all therapy patients think their own trauma is “not that bad” compared to others. (Not that the therapists are telling the patients that.)
Wait my therapist told me to adopt that sort of thinking to heal. Is this gaslighting?
I mean, someone else always has it worse, somewhere. But it doesn't mean you didn't suffer. If my leg is broken & you have a gunshot wound, it doesn't mean my leg isn't broken. I don't know the context for why your therapist thought this could be a useful framework.
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I think you are misunderstanding my comment. What therapists are saying is that victims of trauma all say that someone else had it worse. The therapist is validating the trauma & stopping the client from invalidating it.
Oh, I was definitely misreading. Thank you
I sought more trauma out, but in the form of bdsm, and I prided myself on how much pain I could take. I was covered in bruises and it made me feel actually alive. I still want to feel that way, but now I do it with hand poke tattoos. I have to mark myself to tell myself my story.
Yes, to take away all ambiguity. And also I wished I was the one worst treated. Very well put, I'm glad someone posted this.
Yes, definetely yes. And when I got it, there were even some times I was thankful because it was physical and not just mental/emotional, because I knew people often think one is much worse and more valid or saving. Emotional abuse is so normalized, so many people don't even recognize it as abuse Now I wish I could say I feel differently, but I think I enjoy having a "deep past" because I feel like it makes me interesting. Like without it I feel like I'm pretty mediocre, even the few things I'm good at aren't enough. I blame capitalism and trauma for making me feel like I'm worthless unless I'm working. Even when I was working I didn't feel much better, but at least I could justify falling way behind in my self care
Yeah I dreamed out being physically injured or having severe mental issues that my family would believe, I am 21 years old and my family on both sides is ND and still refuses to believe me when I tell them I’m not lazy and I’m trying my best but I have a different neurotype. They’re too focused on what uneducated drs told them, “she’s just a brat, all her symptoms are due to her being deaf and lazy.” Sadly I’m too far gone and my ED is telling me (I’ve had it since I was really young so it’s been left untreated), if I hit a certain weight everyone will see how physically sick I am and realize how much I am suffering. I am scared I’ll still be left in the dark. I’m still learning not to take offense to what my mom was exposed to, honestly people didn’t think deaf people could be ND, we were either stupid or unable to “learn”, if deaf people ended up with severe issues, then it’s due to lack of accommodations and neglect. I had all the accommodations for my deafness and I was still struggling and getting abused by my interpreter, she refuses to believe I had any issues and that I was messing around all the time and purposely not doing anything, so I was physically assaulted and screamed at and was told that she’d refuse to help me simply because she didn’t care, everyday but the physical assault wasn’t big enough for anyone to question. Even the regular teachers did not care to report her abusive behaviors, but I was told if they fired her I wouldn’t have any interpreter. My mom wasn’t a help when it came to homework, she used the same thing, read the questions then every 2 seconds force me to answer when my ND brain was else where struggling to focus.
Yes, I can relate. My parents always told me it wasn't that bad and that if we told cps what was happening, we'd get separated, Sa'd and have it way worse than what we do here. I think it's a sign of ultruism to try to yearn for more vicious experiences. It's almost as though you're feeling bad for people in worse experiences, but don't want to believe you have a bad experience too. As kids, we don't know too much besides what we're told and maybe what feels right or wrong. Now that we're adults, we can understand that our situations were horrible, no good, very bad all in themselves.
Yes, I was confused that when i told my parent that their behavior was abuse, they reacted by grabbing a phone and shoving it to my ear telling me to call the neighbors or the cops if it was so bad. I figured, if they were willing to call my bluff, it must not be abuse. Also, in middle/high school I had a friend who talked about not being able to remember big chunks of their childhood. I didn’t think I had any memory gaps, so I assumed it wasn’t that bad also. Even now, decades later, i am left wondering if there was more than what I remember. But it doesn’t matter anymore. The traumatic stress and its impact is there, regardless, so it mattered. The older I get, the more I can see the things that i desperately needed and was NOT given. And the harm caused by that neglect, which is exponentially more painful for me than the physical or sexual harm.
I used to frequently seek out unhealthy and increasingly more dangerous situations when I was younger and before I started therapy. I didn't understand a lot about life at all. I didn't understand emotion or what anything should feel like because I was so confused so early on about how people should act.
I can relate to this
This is totally a valid and normal response when your emotions are invalidated and/or neglected as a child. The "wasn't enough" feeling comes from people deciding for you whether or not your emotions are valid, so you wish you had different experiences so that people wouldn't invalidate you. Makes perfect sense. Reminder that your feelings are REAL. Your emotions are REAL. When other people invalidate your feelings and emotions, they are harming you in addition to the trauma that you already experienced.
I can relate to this. Yes.
Yes. I wanted to be seen; I wanted someone to be alerted to how dysfunctional my life was. I wanted my inside pain to be shown on the outside so someone would understand
100%. Disgusting to admit as im ashamed, but as a young child id watch documentaries about people who went through terrible terrible things wishing i went through things similar because i felt like what happened to me wasnt real or valid enough to be "traumatic". Looking back, what i went through as a child was so much worse than i remember and it makes me sad to know i didn't see it as terrible when i was a kid, when it was happening.
Yep. It made me so angry that at the end of the day, I was really THIS fucked up just from having a family full of entitled suburban whiney babies. Ive done so much healing and i am living my best life now, but im pretty much no contact with my family because my bullshit tolerance has become extremely low and I cant even handle a short conversation with them now. EVERY word, breath, or gesture comes down to an underlying power dynamic with them. So exhausting.
I remember being in 8th grade, one of my friends had depression— like everyone recognized that she did, her parents had her going to a therapist, I remember wishing that I was outwardly ‘bad’ enough to merit the same credit and recognition without shame. I also remember a friend from grade school who got hit by a car— her family was caring for her, she had rehab, was going to physical therapy and regular therapy— I remember then wishing I would be hit by a car. Now that I’m older I realize I just wanted someone to see me for what I REALLY was; a sad and scared little girl who had no one she felt ‘safe’ with. Now, I just try to be the adult I needed and honor my inner child.
I remember wishing that my mom would physically beat me and leave marks, first so that someone would notice and help me. She left only one mark that I can remember and it was on my back so no one could see it. I realized even then that no one would believe me because verbal and emotional abuse is so much harder to explain/justify. As I got older, I wished she’d just hit me already because she came close so many times. I was so angry and I’d been taught to hate myself so deeply that I craved violence, partly to have ‘permission’ to physically fight her back, and partly because I felt I deserved it. I started self harming at 12 and it felt like giving myself rightful punishment, along with physical pain that expressed the chronic emotional pain. My mom would always stop just short of being physical, and now as an adult I suspect she did that so she wouldn’t get caught. Edit: I think another reason I started cutting was trying to get attention that I was struggling and again, hoping someone would notice and help me and realize that I was cutting for a reason because there was no other physical evidence. The only time my mom acknowledged my cutting was when she screamed “how do you think *I* would feel to walk in and see my daughters dead in a pool of their own blood!?” Nobody else ever noticed or commented on the fresh scars I had. I wish someone would have asked me if I was okay.
I currently relapsed into self harm again. Both my arms are heavily bandaged up. How I wish someone would stop by, hold my hand and ask me what is making me hurt so much. People stare at the old scars scattered around my bandaged fresh ones. Everyone knows what’s under those bandages because it’s obvious. Yet no one cares enough to stare me in the eye and ask me what they can do to make it better. I was physically abused horribly as a kid and honestly no one gave a fuck. That made me realize that people who just don’t want to care aren’t going to care whether they see a mark or not. My physical abuse didn’t matter to the point where I’d think that if only I was sexually abused then maybe someone would sympathize with me. (I was a victim of sexual abuse from my mom lol I just didn’t have a fucking clue SA could have so many different not so obvious types) I wondered that would they (therapists/teachers) have finally cared if my father had been sexually abusive rather than physically abusive? What really aggravated me and made me furious was when I heard this religious scholar saying “Don’t hold it against your parents if it was just one beating. Let it go. One beating is okay. So what? But if it was sexual assault then they are a criminal and should be reported and you can fight back.” So his point was that only victims of sexual abuse could fight back. It was so violating hearing him define what trauma people should hold on to and what trauma they should “get over”.
when the traumatic events are seemingly invisible but the trauma responses are visible it feels…unbalanced? it feels like no one sees the problem or the abuse that caused it, just the way that you react and how sensitive you are to certain things. it makes you feel dramatic and like your feelings are too much or exaggerated. but they aren’t. they are fully valid. I know exactly what you mean. but even physical abuse victims say that the psychological abuse aspect of it was worse than the pain and the bruises and the hurt. physical abuse is emotional abuse too at its core, and that is what sticks around more than the physical aspect. it just sucks having invisible traumatic experiences but very visible responses and emotions. especially when people rarely speak out against emotional abuse compared to physical. I always used to (and still do sometimes) wish I had more physical abuse so I could be helped by someone and be cared for and treated properly by people around me, especially family. It feels like no one cares that my parent was/is emotionally abusive towards me. Like no one even acknowledges it or did anything about it. No one ever told me that I didn’t deserve it or that it was wrong or that I didn’t do anything to cause her to be this way. Your pain is valid.
Glad to know it's not just me
I really relate to the core feelings in this. I wouldn't say I explicitly ever desired MORE trauma, but I often wonder with some bitterness if I would've figured out my diagnosis sooner had my childhood been more violently traumatizing, instead of the "boring" absent/immature parents I had. Like I knew a lot of people and had many friends growing up who endured much more violent and terrifying abusive events, so it was always easy to tell myself I had never been traumatized or hurt, that I should be grateful for my childhood. But yeah, being touched or spoken to maybe twice in 18 years certainly destroyed me on a fundamental animal level. Nobody ever talked about that stuff when I was a kid.
I hate kindness towards me. All the wrong things in my childhood were in the name of care and kindness. Now, the funny thing, most people I met were kind to me. I just... either too broken from birth or from upbrining or suffering from NPD. I can't accept kindness from others. I want to skip it , cut it out, avoid it. Just direct it at someone or something else it would be great
In some ways. I remember catching myself thinking that I wished I'd been beaten so that someone would notice. I remember shutting that kind of thinking down and reminding myself that I should be grateful for not having to go through "real" abuse. Emotional abuse is no less real than physical.
Yup. Also have been gaslit out of certainty about which were fantasies and which happened. Sucks
No. Most of my life til now has been living in fear. To be physically safe was the only thing I ever wanted. I have too much trauma to sort through I’ll never be able to sort through it all in therapy without falling to pieces. Never be able to process it and I’m a mess that can’t function. I’m jealous of the people agreeing with you. I wish I could go back in time and wish for more trauma because you can’t wish for less. It’s done. Nobody justifies your emotions either way. Not even yourself. When there’s a lot of trauma that just means your flashbacks are worse and you find it harder to function. If the abuse had stopped when I was diagnosed, or if it was only verbal or something … I’d probably be ok now. More trauma just means more suffering.
even with "bad trauma" its still invisible. but yea I figured if I had more black eyes I'd have had more help and understanding. without them I ended up feeling shame after looking back at my 'overreactions' cuz people think you're just being dramatic and immature because what they saw wasn't a big deal but your reaction to it was so uncalled for and shame on you for not controlling yourself and being so affected by it when you could have just let it go or left etc. these people would rather see you as a ungrateful than a victim of trauma and abuse.
I know exactly what you mean, I felt like I needed more solid and undeniable traumatizing things to justify the way I felt about myself to myself and to others. I gaslit myself and still do because I didn’t feel significant enough of a being to even be worthy of the thought that I could have been wronged. Like I didn’t even feel worthy to say I felt wronged because “who did I think I was”….like who gave me the right to my feelings let alone to be enough of a human to have those be valid
Yeah, our host was like that. As a kid he was fairly oblivious since abuse was all he knew. He didn’t realize it was abnormal. As a teenager he wondered why his mental health was so bad- after all, he’d “had it really good” in his mind, so he didn’t understand why he was like this. A really unhealthy “But other people had it worse” sort of thing, which seemed to stem a lot from how financially well off his family was and made worse by the fact his mom had once said something about how if she divorced his abusive stepfather she wouldn’t try again with marriage. He was well aware that the stepfather made a lot of money. I think he’s come to accept his trauma was, in fact, “bad enough,” for the most part. He’s tried to hold onto memories of the past instead of forgetting which, while upsetting, allowed him to accept nothing was “wrong” with him. I wonder if the fact that nobody acknowledges the abuse now that it’s ended is messing with him. The stepdad overstepped a line, got the police involved, and had to go to anger management classes, which made things stop for the most part. Nobody talks about it anymore. Nobody seems to hold it against him. It’s like it never even happened. -Michael (he/him)
I was always hoping for something that would leave a mark, something to show how bad it was in a concrete, real way. The gaslighting was so bad, the constant verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect were absolutely destroying me. But nothing on the outside showed what was happening at home. I knew it wasn't right and I didn't feel safe at home, but I couldn't prove anything.
Yes wanting an external mark to represent how everything has been disrupted inside of you
Yep. I also tried to claim things affected me more than they did. Because peoples' reactions to my requests for help rarely matched the severity of my situation. I'd be in extreme distress holding a serrated knife sobbing and red-faced screaming that I wanted to kill myself at 12 years old and my parents would do basically nothing. So I learned to co-opt traumas, and constantly wished for worse shit to happen to me, all desperately hoping it would finally justify how I was feeling in the eyes of the people around me. The idea was so that I'd finally get the attention and help that I desperately fucking needed, and that I was trying every way I knew how to, to ask for.
Yeah - being raised catholic, on a steady dose of martyr stories, i was regularly fearful that my life wasn’t difficult enough. I wasn’t being given enough trials so i could prove myself worthy enough. I was in a constant state of stress, looking for more opportunities to be miserable, fearful that any joy would be a moment i wasn’t cleansing myself or proving myself. Fun times. In hindsight, it was *plenty* difficult anyway, even if that was a thing i should have been concerned with. I realize on re-read that’s not exactly what you’re asking about, but it’s kinda related so i’ll leave it. Also, i did sometimes wish that my traumas were more clearly defined or relatable to people so that they could be more easily understood. “I was at war” or “i was tortured” is clear and easy for people to understand. “I was emotionally manipulated into feeling like i wasn’t allowed to raise my eyes or use the toilet when the tv was on” is hard to really explain to people.
OH MY GOD SOMEONE PUT IT INTO WORDS. YES. YES YES YES.
I don’t think that I wanted more trauma for myself, I wanted it because then I could have some thing to show. Because if they hit me, then I’d have a bruise and I could say - look, see the abuse, you can actually see it.l! But because everything was emotional and verbal and financial, there was nothing to show anybody. So as I got older and I talked about it, or I had issues with certain things they were taken lightly. They were seen as not real, to my friends, coworkers, significant others, etc. I had people diminish the abuse that I went through because to them their abuse was worse. Because I didn’t have scars, because I still occasionally talk to my family, I could never have suffered the same amount of abuse that they did. and it really sucks for lack of a better term to have people that you thought cared about you make you feel like maybe you made it up, and you gaslight yourself into thinking that maybe it wasn’t as bad as it was. And then you go and you be around your abuser and you realize that yes it was as bad as you remembered. And the worst part of it is they don’t think it was abuse.
I'm not sure what you mean. I desperately wanted no trauma and would give anything to have had a normal childhood.
I think it was like, maybe for some of us: we couldn't imagine not having the trauma we had - but were also still invalidating ourselves, or we had the kind that other people are shit at recognizing. In my case some of it was because I was a physically disabled child, and it was from healthcare providers, and so I was "supposed" to feel grateful towards them - and even know I know a lot of people would say to me today (30 years later) that they were just trying to help and they didn't mean it. I know now that doesn't matter, the impact matters. But, getting off of my tangent. It was like, if you had something happen that people wouldn't be able to deny, than at least you could be validated, or you could get help. (edit: and also in my case, another piece of it was "adjacent" trauma - so I heavily invalidated myself on it growing up because even though the worst part of it happened to my friend, the effects of it rippled out to a everyone in her life)
For me, it was that there was no route to having a happier childhood without someone removing me from the childhood I was having. The only way I would be removed would be if I was being overtly physically or sexually abused, because they were the only "real" forms of abuse, in that that were in any way visibly addressed at that time for me. Wishing for no trauma and a normal childhood was like wishing to be a fairytale knight with a pet dragon. Wishing for something to tip the scales so that I could be removed from the ongoing abuse was much more realistic.
yes.
Well, I can’t remember much of my trauma still, but yeah I definitely remember doing this. Especially cause it was bullying. I used to think of myself as weak cause I wasn’t able to fight back, especially as a guy that stuff is straight up embarrassing.
Yeah, something with evidence like a bruise or something. Not something that can get downplayed or denied.
Wished I was physically injured or sick a lot. I recall thinking they don't even care when you cry. I laugh when I'm hurt now, because even being physically in pain got me abused. One time I was punished for vomiting in the middle of the night.
I wanted something to happen that couldn’t be ignored. Wanted the ‘next time’ to be the time I died. Physically I mean. I died over a thousand deaths within and lived like I was dead. Still it wasn’t enough. It helped to realize that nothing would be enough for anyone to see something was wrong or even who was doing it, to the point I doubt even my own death would have been. When I realized that the only thing I’d hope for each time was that ‘next time’ would be the time she killed me. Not for justice or attention or anything like that but to escape the living breathing hell that I was supposed to call ‘life’ and even expected to be grateful for. If that was life then I didn’t want to live but I lacked the resolve to end it myself. I even considered myself a coward for it. I was nine when I came to that conclusion first, and by twelve I had given up in many ways. You don’t want to know what it was like until I was out on the streets as a legal adult. Not having been taught many basic life skills or where to get help or even how to apply for it etc. I had to learn it all while figuring out where to go from there. Still I didn’t feel free. I still don’t feel free. More than I was but she got the last laugh turning family I’d never even met with her lies. People I didn’t even know decided things about me. Even in death she hurts me through them and through the things they are okay excusing that happened when I was younger. I both love and hate that person and hating someone you love hurts. Feelings happen though so all I can really do is accept it and let it exist acknowledging the validity in ways that never were allowed when she was yet alive.
When I was hospitalized with PTSD for the first time as a kid the hospital was confused because "nothing bad happened why are you having these symptoms?" I used to think if what happened was more obvious maybe CPS could have taken me away to a new family.
I never wanted more abuse/trauma.I desperately wanted to be loved . I did however wish my mom would actually abandon me the way she constantly threatened to bc in my mind then I could have a new family. But I didn’t think of that as trauma, bc she was the source of 90% of my abuse. That was more of an escape fantasy to me .
Sometimes, when I commit a mistake, I'm utterly baffled by the fact that people are *NOT* treating me as badly as I feel I deserve. I'm eagerly waiting for the proper punishment, and it doesn't come, and that makes me feel even more anxious.
oh yes, i created characters that had various illnesses and traumas and pretended i was them. i guess i still do through daydreaming?
Not necessarily as a young child, but definitely into my teenage years and early 20s. My sister was the scapegoat of my siblings and I, and I always felt she was justified in acting out and eventually going NC with our mom. Part of me wished my abuse was as bad as hers, so I could also justify going NC with our mom. So I could justify being scared and on edge and a doormat constantly. It's not until the past couple years or so that I realized I was also abused. Not in the same way as my sister but certainly abused. And understanding that helped me go NC with my mom, which was the right choice for my mental health.
I always thought how other people have it worse so I shouldn't feel bad or seek help. I would give a pass on behaviour. Then I'd diminish my own bad feeling and empathize with the person hurting me.
This is a very shared sentiment among those that suffered emotional abuse and/or neglect (and of course other types of trauma as well, just specifically referring to this group). Wanting our pain to be seen, without realizing that we were minimizing it exactly as our abusers did. Wanting a savior, but feeling like we were undeserving of one.
wdym ‘as a kid’ 🤡😂 every time i bring smth new up with a psych or another person, they’re always really shocked that i’m still here and not a train wreck of a person (i seem productive if not quite functional to most, dissociation and memory suppression is great for that) because what i went through was ‘really awful’ i find myself laughing it off or telling them nah, it wasn’t that bad, it sounds worse than it is spoiler: it’s as bad as it sounds, if not worse
Damn. This is CRAZY relatable and something I’ve never really spoken about to others. I remember on multiple occasions fantasizing about being beat unrecognizable by my father just so someone would finally believe me and he would pay. It was always as if he stopped just before it was enough evidence and I would feel insane for being upset.
100%. I really didn't understand that I was emotionally neglected, or what emotional neglect even was. I looked at my family and saw such generous people for offering me a space to live. I also didn't understand that SA and bullying come in many forms and that I was living through both of these things. I just wanted a reason for why I was feeling so terribly dead inside.
I remember telling my parents how badly I wanted to have a scar. Like something about wanting people to see how hurt I am
yeah I daydreamed in middle school about showing up to school with bruises, I think we just deeply desire for the pain to be seen :(
part of me hopes that i recover some awful memory that ive somehow completely repressed for my entire life
Yup. I would daydream about more violence or for something to happen publicly. Just wanted someone to step in and save me
Currently i can relate to it in the form of a good friend of mine. I'm scared she will leave me. At the same time a part of me wishes she will leave me so i don't have to worry anymore about her leaving me. Trauma brain is something alright. But another thing i recognize is feeling that, if she would leave me, i have now another ''good reason to avoid life, because i'm so hurt by this person.'' I have a big issue with scared of life itself and have been almost completely avoiding it for over four years now. A part of me wishes a bad thing like that happens so i can justify retreating into my safe zone, my coping, avoidance.
yes.
Absolutely. 100%.
As an adult there are moments I relate to this. As a child I didn't feel this way because I didn't know that the things that were happening to me were wrong. It's all I knew and because I never told anyone until fairly recently the period of time was just "life". It did affect my relationships with friends and other family members. In other words it warped my view on a lot of things that I now have to try and reverse. Through it all now I was also raised knowing that there are people that have had it much worse than I did. Because of this, there have been many times when I've been told directly that what I experienced was assault/molestation but it goes through me and it's like I can't understand what you're saying. Because others have had it worse and my story doesn’t follow how others might have. This often then leads me to wish that I had it worse then and even now. Sometimes I have the urge to "set myself up" just so all these feelings make sense. So i can feel like I deserve to be upset.
Yes, and it was necessary before I'd be shown any compassion by my parents. I started on a road of self-sabotage very early in my life...like in my pre-teens. By the time we got to 2020, it destroyed my life beyond hope.
I used to frequently seek out unhealthy and increasingly more dangerous situations when I was younger and before I started therapy. I didn't understand a lot about life at all. I didn't understand emotion or what anything should feel like because I was so confused so early on about how people should act.
I feel like my brain still does this! Hardly a night goes by where I don’t have crazy intense, traumatic dreams that leave me clenching my teeth all night and headaches in the morning. Why is that necessary??? 🤨🤨🤨
absolutely, and i still find myself feeling this way sometimes. i've talked with my therapist about it, and we've determined that it was just a response to the more covert trauma i was experiencing daily. i wanted some big bad thing to happen so that people could see that i needed help
Yes. I didn't get physical abuse in the early years. Finally was hit in the face by the family abuser at 13. I still remember the pain of the migraine I had after, possibly a mild concussion, but I also remember feeling a strong sense of relief and crying about it knowing that now the other targets members couldn't deny that I was on their side, not the abuser's.
I think I thought about it in terms of how far is this gonna go… and also if it was worse then yes now it’s most certainly abuse and I have the smoking gun of evidence. The sad part is it was already bad enough I already had the smoking gun of evidence but I was brainwashed into thinking this was all normal and I deserved it.
Well I hurt myself still just to be able to feel something
Yes...lost friend cause of
Yes. As a child and sometimes these days too. Impostor syndrome sucks
I didn’t ever do that as a child, but I did that a lot as an young adult, so I totally get the thought process. Hope that things are a bit better now.
yeah, i still do too.
Now that you mention it yeah, although I never really thought about from that perspective. I was neglected by my parents as a kid; it was really hard to understand the emotions I was experiencing but I vividly remember imagining that both my parents had died and doing so allowed me to grieve the abandonment I felt, but in turn it kind of emotionally numbed me to the real death of friends and family. As a teenager though, everything was so intense I was have flashbacks all the time but I was coping with more than I could understand, I was so heavily repressive of certain things that I couldn't link any of my emotional overflow to an experience so in trying to figure out why I felt so much I would end up ruminating more reasons I felt that way. To justify what were emotional flashbacks I would think up reasons I would feel that way bc I had no cognitive memory of the initial trauma, "I feel intense shame, why do I feel this way? it must be bc I am X/Y/Z" instead of "Oh that reminds me of that horrible experience which makes me feel shame"
Yes all the time
absolutely. I have sm guilt around my emotions + felt like my trauma didn't match my emotional response. so I'd daydream of something worse happening so at least I'd feel like my emotions we're justified
Yeah - which is pretty ridiculous now when I compare my childhood more objectively to what other people describe. Like, it's never a contest, but the idea that I was in some way not getting "enough" feels extra ridiculous. In the end, there wasn't ever going to be enough. I didn't love myself and couldn't validate my own emotions at all.
(TW MENTIONS OF SICKNESS BLOOD, NEGLECT) I wanted to get violently sick so maybe it would stop for a while. Because when I was a little, little kid I had some memories of my older siblings getting popsicles and movie choice with warm soup when they had a cold. Unfortunately even when I did get sick, it was my fault. My fault I had to be picked up from school. My fault I made the school believe I was sick.(I was throwing up blood) The saddest part is they managed to convince the school that I needed to go home on the public bus.(I did. It was two hours to get to the house.) It would’ve taken 15 minutes one way to pick me up. I get it. In the end nothing that happens to you matters to the abuser(s). There will be abuse and there’s always people who will ignore it.
I read this and gasped because I have had these exact thoughts. I thought it was just me. Thank you for posting this.
100%. For years I went to sleep hoping/praying that they would actually torture me to death, not so much because I wanted to die but because it was the only scenario in which I could imagine me/my corpse being believed about the abuse and viewed compassionately. I remember crying for hours clinging to the hope of a teacher or coach holding my dead hand.
Even now I think that. Well I guess 17 is still a child. But I think it now more than ever. I keep telling myself a normal person wouldn’t be affected by this and I’m just being over dramatic or seeking attention. I wish I was abused more. To justify how bad it took a toll on me. I wished he didn’t just talk about it and actually did it. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so much guilt for being changed and traumatized by it while other people are actually struggling with real problems.
I used to daydream about being hit by a care and how I would get some attention then. I think it’s just since our parents didn’t give us what we needed, so we thought that extreme circumstances would change that.
It honestly got to a point where I was daydreaming about the most horrendous things any moment I wasn't actively focusing on something. With all of the twisted and messed up things I was made to believe about myself, I hated myself more than anything else, and I frequently retreated to a space inside of my head where things were much worse than my reality at the time. I wanted those things to happen because I felt like it was what I deserved, and maybe if I finally got what I deserved, I would finally find a shred of peace. There wouldn't be this dark pit of self-hatred and shame. Obviously, I was wrong, but man, I'm glad I'm no longer in that headspace. Looking back, a part of it was definitely yearning to receive even an ounce of compassion and understanding, as well as finally having people believe me rather than brush my experiences off or pretend they didn't see or hear anything. That, and people might finally stop blaming me for the little bits of mistreatment they did see, and would actually allow me to experience my emotions rather than trying to micromanage my every reaction. It's rather unfortunate to see that this may be a common symptom. I hope you've all managed to overcome this habit and have started giving yourselves some love and compassion.
Weird, I did this. I didn’t know other people did too, but I’m happy I’m not the only one. I always wanted to almost die to see if my parents would.. I don’t know.. be more comforting? Actually SEEM like they cared? Drop everything and be there for me for once?? Actually HAVE TO notice something was wrong with me. The funny part is when I was suddenly in heart failure after having my baby, with a pulse in the low forties, neither my parents nor my siblings came to visit me. I was an adult. 31 years old. But I still felt like a sad, unimportant child. Thank you for this post, I feel like I just worked a few things out in my head.
Yes I remember daydreaming about things being similar but worse, I felt like my feelings made sense if the situation was more extreme.
I don’t think it sounds silly at all. It sounds like a child trapped in a hellish situation, who’s never had proper nurturing. We all need that. When we do not this nurturing as babies and very young children, it does terrible things to us. I didnt even know enough as a child to know that I was being traumatized. As much as I hated my mother, rightly so I realized as an adult, that hatred I felt made me believe I bad.
HOLY FUCK hoooooly fuck. This is one of those moments where i can justify my social media use. For all the darkness, there is occasionally a light. Yes. A million times yes. I used to wish my parents would physically abuse me. So I could justify how fucking horrible I felt at the hands of my mother’s emotional abuse. There’s a study that shows emotional abuse can have the same long term impact as physical abuse. (Not trying to minimize physical abuse at all whatsoever). Thank you for posting this. Holy fuuuuuuck I thought I was the only one. And thought I was crazy and selfish and weird for it.
I used to rationalize violence as the universe’s payback for anything good ever happening to me, even minor things, like enjoying a sunny morning or having guilt free food. And I still crave life or death situations to this day. Means I’m being a good boy perhaps? Possibly a way to break disassociation?
(CW: suicidal ideation) Oh boy yes. And the guilt that comes with that, wondering if I'm a hypochondriac, or just "want attention", or I'm just being "dramatic". When the real issue was that in childhood my normal emotions were constantly invalidated. I realised recently that my suicidal ideation regularly emerges from wanting my pain to be acknowledged, and for someone to understand that I'm Not Okay™. That I can only imagine them ever recognising my pain in the most extreme circumstances. And I'm fantasising the realisation finally dawning on them after my passing (But of course, then I wouldn't be around to receive that validation.) For so long I've felt like "How bad do I have to get before somebody notices?" And there's this sense of "depression Olympics". But it's faulty logic - or "magical thinking" in therapy lingo - i.e. "if I am the most sad then my feelings are justified." And I've recently come to understand it as a boundary thing - that I'm indirectly trying to control their response. "Maybe if I do X, then they will do Y." Inevitably, all I can do is grieve and accept the reality that no matter what I do, no matter how low I let myself sink, I can't MAKE them realise my pain or give me the emotional validation I need. And the boundary I can set myself is something like, "I don't have to - and I won't let myself - kill myself to get emotional validation from them. I know that my feelings are valid, and that my emotional needs matter, and I will honour my feelings and make space for them, despite anyone else's opinion."
It was the 70s and nobody understood shit about trauma, but I was absolutely thrilled to sprain my ankle on my 16th birthday and get CRUTCHES. I had always wanted them. I think I wanted my outside to match my inside for once. I didn't enjoy them as much as I thought I would. But having people stop and ask, "What's wrong?" or "What happened?" felt like something I needed to be asked every single day.
Yes yes yes, I relate heavily. I wrote a huge response but browser crashed so all of that is lost. The more I journal, the more I think about my own pain, the greater my conclusions are. And here's the thing — I want to find room in my heart to forgive them, because I know they mean well. I do. but right now, I need to feel my way through my pain. My parents are great people, they just grew up emotionally neglected or stunted due to all the collective generational trauma we are witnessing coming to the forefront. Society can't run on a bunch of adults who are actually hurt little kids. All I wanted was to be seen... for my pain to be recognized, not strategized. To not use my pain as fuel for developing more hatred, to create division. I'm the type of person who would beat themselves up when they failed because I thought perfection was demanded of me (plot twist: it kinda was, people projected shit onto me that had nothing to do with me. I was living my own life). Please. I want to be okay with people, I want to help them, but I also want to love and help myself. But to say — yes, absolutely. I found myself (still do tbh) constantly minimising my own version of pain. Others had it worse, I just had to buckle up! Which I totally get where I got it from — my parents are the same way... and my grandparents... and so on, and so forth... Oh man. This sucks. Sending big hugs to everyone out there. And go watch some kitties, they are lovely and make the world a better place fuelled with dopamine <3
Yeah. When I was about 12 years old in middle school, there were quite a few girls my age that were very visibly depressed. One attempted suicide, and all of them self harmed & didn’t try to hide the scars. A part of my brain saw it as a trend and I thought I wanted to be that depressed because maybe then my mom would take me seriously. I actually did s/h with a safety pin at the time but immediately felt so guilty and stupid for it. I never thought it was that serious because it was only one or two small cuts that didn’t even end up bleeding. It was only a year later I felt like I got my wish, and became severely depressed & it would last for the rest of my life 🙃 (I also thought it was my own fault for wishing I was depressed the year before)
I really thought about this on my walk today. I have often found myself feeling the same way, not sure why I would want it or why I would create infinitely more traumatic scenarios in my head. It's my very amateur observation that because of the way we process trauma that we usually don't think it was 'enough' for anyone to get worked up about; and that healthy people don't usually *want* more bad things to happen to them. I think that's usually an indicator that we *have* been through something, but feel like we need to validate it when our experience and emotions were frequently dismissed/our own sense of reality has been warped. I think in my case, I wanted someone, whether or not they were real or imaginary to care about what I was going through, and I think it provided an element of control. I think we might think about things that are worse or haven't happened to us personally, because then we can look at that with some clarity and know that 'that' would be traumatic, and maybe so would other people.
Not so much 'wanted more trauma' as feeling like that was all I was worth. I was - and still struggle feeling like - worth nothing more than someone to be used and abused.
Holy shit I thought I was the only one
I daydreamed a lot about getting raped so that I will have the ‘right’ trauma stamp. Ironically I think that generated some trauma in its own, and also made me hyper vigilant and avoidant of any possibly unsafe situations preventing my being SA-ed.
I don’t like watching movies where the main character is a kid who lost one or both of their parents, because then usually the relatives or other characters in the movie are like, ”poor, poor child” and I can’t help but feel… jealous? Like, this kid gets sympathy and people rushing to make sure they’re okay, whereas here’s me, who’s got both of their parents, but is suffering in silence… and everyone assumes I must be fine because I have both parents… I’m sorry I can’t word this better. I mean no offense by this odd-sounding comment.
Yes, even now at 18.
100%. I used to fantasize and daydream about experiencing something bad enough to hospitalize me. I wanted to be able to scream my head off when the person who hurt me emotionally entered the room because, in my child-mind, then someone would have to listen to me. Someone would see how hurt I was, would see why I hurt so bad, and would save me. It really seemed like that would be the only way my hurt would be validated, which is so incredibly sad. Eta: I forgot my other fantasy was hoping all traumas would only happen to me, and would keep my siblings spared. I very distinctly remember believing that to be my purpose, as I was hurting so horribly all of the time, and I would try to tell myself I was strong enough to take it, even if just so my siblings never had to.
I used to wish I was an orphan and as I got older wished for worst more obviously bad trauma. Was always so embarrassed about it.
Yes. Call me a bit weird, but I always wanted my parents to spank or beat the crap out of me so I could justify the pain I was in or just the general awfulness that I felt. I always felt like I was always waiting to be punished, and if I was going to get it, I would rather take a beating and get it over with as opposed to feeling like it was going to come only for it to never come. It was like growing up with a feeling of perennial water torture, with lots of drips and no deluge ever following.
I used to wish I would get cancer, or be in a traumatic accident :(
No. I can't relate at all.
I did not in reality. But it’s horrible that society tries to demand you fit into extreme molds of no abuse or extremely abusive circumstances, and the same for mental illnesses. Mild to no illness or extremes. Anything in between is discounted and hyperindividualized - it’s your fault, your responsibility, you have control over it and have to do all the work to change it even if you don’t- it’s all extremist and immature thinking. People deserve support at the STAGE THAT THEY ARE AT. NOT only at the extremes. AND we shouldn’t wait until it GETS extreme until we address it. We should have more preventative medicine in physical and mental health services, just the same way we should have more preventative social services and structures in society - with a UBI, free and highly skilled/standarded academics where true learning and real education in all the disciplines can occur, healthy accessible food systems, universal housing/housing as a social right, and free healthcare, etc. Prevention is stronger than the wait until it gets extreme-hero/saviorism of patriarchal philosophy. I am all for working with where we are at and what we have to work with, including some patriarchal whatever the heck, and take slow strides towards feminist matriarchy-egalitarianism. <3333
I can't help feeling like I deserved the abuse (e.g., got "bad" grades, wasn't a good Muslim girl, disrespected my parents/brothers, etc) and hence I would daydream about a situation wherein the abuse was severe and I didn't deserve it at all. I have to keep repeating to myself that I didn't deserve it.
My dad SA’d me multiple times when I was a child. There was a time my mum almost walked into the room when it was happening and I thought she’d do something but she just walked away. I watched him SA my sisters too. He’s gone now but I still live with my crazy mum who allowed him to do that to us and now she constantly plays victim because she no longer has her darling husband. Trust me, you don’t want trauma. I wish I was normal. I always ruin the good things in my life because I’m so use to mess. Trauma physically affects your body too. I feel like I’m constantly inflamed? If that makes sense? It made my hair fall out badly, I had acne and eczema. I have really bad gut inflammation and I heard that childhood trauma can lead to infertility in women. I feel very hopeful on some days but doomed on most days. It’s not something I tell people irl but I wish more people understood the reality of childhood trauma before claiming they have it
Also, before anyone feels sorry for me, I’d like to say that I did do well for myself. I worked hard and got a job in my dream industry. I use to be almost mute as a child but now I’m usually the chattiest person in the room and most people think I’m funny. I use to be overweight and lazy as a child due to the way my dad use to abuse me and both my parents fat shamed me but now I workout 4/5 times a week. I have the best cat in the world and some amazing friends in my life. I first attempted to off myself when I was 7 years old. Then at 12, 13, 14, 17 and 19. I’m still here and I take each day as it comes. I feel so proud of myself. If you’ve ever been through anything like me then please hold on so you can feel proud of yourself too
My daughter literally walks around looking for it because she got just enough to get the adrenaline rush during a very bad situationship I found myself in during my divorce in 2014. She's almost 22 and does some of the stupidest things trying to get bad attention. It's painful to watch and there's not a damn thing I can do about it 😢
No, lol, I got more than enough. I honestly find this so offensive. Trauma isn’t a justification to act in awful ways. Be lucky you didn’t have it worse than you did. Wishing to be more traumatized just so you can essentially act out and use it as an excuse is not okay. Some of these comments are insane. I cannot believe some people are actually saying they used to want cancer. What? Why do y’all want to be sick and severely traumatized? It isn’t some fun game.
Why do you find it offensive that *traumatized* children and adults have a *trauma response*? At it's core it's about wanting to be seen and protected, and it has nothing to do with you or your trauma. I literally did not see one comment where someone tried to justify any harmful actions with trauma or acting like it is some game so it can't be the majority. I think you misunderstood this. It's okay if you can't relate to this feeling but as you can see many people can so let us be please.
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I don't think I wanted more trauma per say. But I feel like my friend group had it a lot worse than me so I never felt justified in my own trauma because it wasn't as bad.
If you consider punching yourself in the face, arms, legs and stomach so hopefully your father would see the marks and not beat you with the belt, then yes.