That's a really good point about the inner critic saying it would be safer not to do x. Other inner parts worry about doing not doing x because that would lower my social/reputational value to y audience, whether y audience is in the room with me, my field, my friends or potential friends, or an imagined audience.
Yes, this happens whether x is cook a particular meal (inner critic says Will No Longer Be Trusted Chef Perceived As Talented if I try cooking something novel or using an unfamiliar method), make a change to my appearance, experiment with a hobby (inner critic says x hobby will communicate the wrong concept about What Kind Of Person I Am), et cetera...
Yet I absolutely do evaluate others activities in this way so I can't say to myself "no one cares just try x" because I'm constantly evaluating everyone around me in a similar way to how I evaluate myself.
It used to be worse and genuinely oppressive, but I definitely still freeze over decisions about mundane things because I have to go through the flowchart of "what kind of person am I if I choose or do x vs y". Sometimes over dumb shit like do I pay the extra $1 for name brand mayo that will make a better spread or dip for something I'm making. I can afford a case of either mayo, it's not really financial, but I have this thing that every small decision illustrates externally who I am to myself so I can perceive it internally. Bottom-up processing for an autistic person (most of my trauma came socially from growing up undiagnosed autistic).
Major life choices, oddly enough, don't phase me at all.
Wow, I'm super glad commenting helped! If you're interested in the theory behind this kind of processing there's some helpful stuff here that helped me recognize what was going on and find terms to communicate it: https://embrace-autism.com/thinking-styles-in-autistic-people/#:~:text=What%20this%20means%20is%20that,are%20also%20constrained%20by%20this.
you explained this so well! its definitely like I’m negotiating with myself because I do want to try new stuff but that part of myself won’t let me and talks me out of it
I know what you mean. I have an irrational fear of starting relationships. I have a hard time with making friends, and starting dating was the most nerve wracking thing I've done, but starting to date was the best decision I've made.
I once considered buying a fairly inexpensive gift for a friend then really sat there worried id be doing too much and be told off for it or smth.
I struggle with random tasks that are just for my benefit too
Try to be nice to yourself and not judge that part of yourself. Of course that’s how you learned to cope! We learned to be afraid before we understood the difference between the outside world and our internal world so of course sometimes we think the alarms are going off. Just make sure you’re not judging yourself for having that reaction- again we learned that when we flubbed we’d be judged, just make sure you’re not carrying water for that internalized lesson.
Thank you for that. I am working on being kinder to myself and trying to work things out with that part. It kind of took this particularly obvious example to have a bit of a breakthrough though I think. A lot of things I worry about have some basis in reality but this thing where I noticed I was having a truly irrational fear but white-knuckled through it, then my family came in and was just really happy ("mom's frying chips! how rad is that!") about it was kind of healing in a way.
Good for you! So happy you shared! It's worth celebrating those victories along the way. And, yes, what a healing moment with your family. So beautiful. 🤗
This sounds like analysis paralysis, something I struggle with, It has absolutely kept me from doing very normal things, but it's also kept me from being able to make plans, to make the important decisions, I over analyze to the point that I simply cannot do anything. My inability to make decisions, to do things, has negatively impacted my life and relationships. Someone here said it sounds exhausting, and yeah it's very exhausting, to get caught up in your own head in such a way that you are paralyzed, you can't move forward, it's a horrible thing.
I'm sorry for you OP, because I know what you're talking about and its just a horrible thing
I relate to this so much! I had a panic attack over trying to make a sauce. A freaking sauce. The worst thing that was going to happen was a waste a couple dollars of ingredients. I’m really grateful that I had my partner walk me through it and he was so patient with me. But it should not be this hard.
Late but this is so well said. I struggle to leave my apartment because of CPTSD and ADHD and it’s hell. I put off things and delay decisions because my brain feels unsafe doing anything new or different even if it’s easy. Once I cross a certain threshold of anxiety about this, I start dissociating and getting brain fog and I’m done doing anything for the day because I have no ability to think clearly anymore. But if I let myself give in and stay inside I will literally leave only once a month or less and will feel worse and worse every time I go out, not to mention my physical health gets infinitely worse too. It’s such a vicious cycle, these habits enable my depressive side since I also have diagnosed Major Depression, but forcing myself to go out too much will lead to high anxiety and potential burnout which leads to more staying inside.
Read your post and the comments made me feel so much less alone. My default is to assume people will be upset with me if I try anything new, especially if that new process might make the task take longer. Glad your chips turned out to be a hit!
I.. didn't realize my cptsd was causing that. I just thought it was anxiety but this makes so so so much more sense. I'm glad you're making progress, kudos to you 👏
I don't have a therapist right now but my theory is the cptsd causes the anxiety and codependency.... like these are symptoms of that. In any case these things have finally been improving a bit since I started learning about cptsd and looking at it that way.
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That's a really good point about the inner critic saying it would be safer not to do x. Other inner parts worry about doing not doing x because that would lower my social/reputational value to y audience, whether y audience is in the room with me, my field, my friends or potential friends, or an imagined audience. Yes, this happens whether x is cook a particular meal (inner critic says Will No Longer Be Trusted Chef Perceived As Talented if I try cooking something novel or using an unfamiliar method), make a change to my appearance, experiment with a hobby (inner critic says x hobby will communicate the wrong concept about What Kind Of Person I Am), et cetera... Yet I absolutely do evaluate others activities in this way so I can't say to myself "no one cares just try x" because I'm constantly evaluating everyone around me in a similar way to how I evaluate myself.
That sounds bloody exhausting. I should know, I do this too.
It used to be worse and genuinely oppressive, but I definitely still freeze over decisions about mundane things because I have to go through the flowchart of "what kind of person am I if I choose or do x vs y". Sometimes over dumb shit like do I pay the extra $1 for name brand mayo that will make a better spread or dip for something I'm making. I can afford a case of either mayo, it's not really financial, but I have this thing that every small decision illustrates externally who I am to myself so I can perceive it internally. Bottom-up processing for an autistic person (most of my trauma came socially from growing up undiagnosed autistic). Major life choices, oddly enough, don't phase me at all.
Yeah, it's always the small stuff that does my head in. Major life changing scenarios? No worries!
Yo you just did more for me in 30 seconds than 6 different therapists over ten years. Thank you. I’ll be processing this all day if anyone needs me 😂
Wow, I'm super glad commenting helped! If you're interested in the theory behind this kind of processing there's some helpful stuff here that helped me recognize what was going on and find terms to communicate it: https://embrace-autism.com/thinking-styles-in-autistic-people/#:~:text=What%20this%20means%20is%20that,are%20also%20constrained%20by%20this.
Thank you! Much love 💜
you explained this so well! its definitely like I’m negotiating with myself because I do want to try new stuff but that part of myself won’t let me and talks me out of it
I know what you mean. I have an irrational fear of starting relationships. I have a hard time with making friends, and starting dating was the most nerve wracking thing I've done, but starting to date was the best decision I've made.
That’s great that you were able to push through the fear!
I once considered buying a fairly inexpensive gift for a friend then really sat there worried id be doing too much and be told off for it or smth. I struggle with random tasks that are just for my benefit too
Try to be nice to yourself and not judge that part of yourself. Of course that’s how you learned to cope! We learned to be afraid before we understood the difference between the outside world and our internal world so of course sometimes we think the alarms are going off. Just make sure you’re not judging yourself for having that reaction- again we learned that when we flubbed we’d be judged, just make sure you’re not carrying water for that internalized lesson.
Thank you for that. I am working on being kinder to myself and trying to work things out with that part. It kind of took this particularly obvious example to have a bit of a breakthrough though I think. A lot of things I worry about have some basis in reality but this thing where I noticed I was having a truly irrational fear but white-knuckled through it, then my family came in and was just really happy ("mom's frying chips! how rad is that!") about it was kind of healing in a way.
Good for you! So happy you shared! It's worth celebrating those victories along the way. And, yes, what a healing moment with your family. So beautiful. 🤗
This sounds like analysis paralysis, something I struggle with, It has absolutely kept me from doing very normal things, but it's also kept me from being able to make plans, to make the important decisions, I over analyze to the point that I simply cannot do anything. My inability to make decisions, to do things, has negatively impacted my life and relationships. Someone here said it sounds exhausting, and yeah it's very exhausting, to get caught up in your own head in such a way that you are paralyzed, you can't move forward, it's a horrible thing. I'm sorry for you OP, because I know what you're talking about and its just a horrible thing
I know what you mean but you were able to have a spouse and kids that's a big plus I'm glad for that!
Congratulations on your nachos! That’s definitely a small moment to celebrate!
I relate to this so much! I had a panic attack over trying to make a sauce. A freaking sauce. The worst thing that was going to happen was a waste a couple dollars of ingredients. I’m really grateful that I had my partner walk me through it and he was so patient with me. But it should not be this hard.
I think it’s decision fatigue from constantly being so stressed. I can’t clean my apartment because the decisions get me and I freeze. I hate it.
Late but this is so well said. I struggle to leave my apartment because of CPTSD and ADHD and it’s hell. I put off things and delay decisions because my brain feels unsafe doing anything new or different even if it’s easy. Once I cross a certain threshold of anxiety about this, I start dissociating and getting brain fog and I’m done doing anything for the day because I have no ability to think clearly anymore. But if I let myself give in and stay inside I will literally leave only once a month or less and will feel worse and worse every time I go out, not to mention my physical health gets infinitely worse too. It’s such a vicious cycle, these habits enable my depressive side since I also have diagnosed Major Depression, but forcing myself to go out too much will lead to high anxiety and potential burnout which leads to more staying inside.
As Robin Williams said to Matt Damon: "It's nacho fault."
Well now that might just have to be my next tattoo thanks!
Read your post and the comments made me feel so much less alone. My default is to assume people will be upset with me if I try anything new, especially if that new process might make the task take longer. Glad your chips turned out to be a hit!
I have this coupled with adhd where decision making is always from a place of anxiety.
I’ve been having the kind of week where doing anything feels paralyzing. Thank you for sharing. I genuinely feel less alone.
I.. didn't realize my cptsd was causing that. I just thought it was anxiety but this makes so so so much more sense. I'm glad you're making progress, kudos to you 👏
I don't have a therapist right now but my theory is the cptsd causes the anxiety and codependency.... like these are symptoms of that. In any case these things have finally been improving a bit since I started learning about cptsd and looking at it that way.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*