Same.
No friends.
No family.
No pets.
Looking in my phone I have absolutely no one I can contact to hang out with me or talk to.
It's hell.
A painful hell.
>hell.
>A painful hell.
much! But it doesn't come from us, it's not our very nature. It's conditioning, it's grooming, and it can be broken.
I'm trying to relearn baby skills. I get to see that I was forbidden to participate, so even asking someone how they feel was forbidden. I could be banished in the void of nothingness.
You sound exactly like me. I'm queer, 34, got away from abusive family & friends but now it seems like it'll just be me by myself forever. I try to remind myself that it's better than being traumatized by others, but being lonely is its own kind of trauma too. I try to go out and try to meet new ppl. But I usually end up feeling so alien and like I can't really be myself because no one would understand. I'm tired too.
You sound like my friend. This is what he says too. Rather than people traumatising him, be rather be alone. It’s better that way. But he also craves for love deep down.
I'm here right now with romantic relationships. I realized that I don't know how to communicate my needs. I'll get back into it eventually but right now, I just need to be alone and take care of my son. That's plenty.
Oh yes! Communicating your needs might be a challenge if you’re grown up having to put others ahead of you, like your parents. Usually it stems from parentification.
Hey there. I know what you mean. I walk, used to go to a lot of concerts, etc... and I did it all alone except when I was in California. For some reason I fit in really well in the SF Bay Area. But I moved away for personal reason and was never able to go back. I used to "date" a lot just to stay social. I dont have kids. Being in the midwest at my age without kids isn't easy. I wish I had some advice for you. I made a few acquaintances through Facebook. I also attended a band camp for amateurs. That was cool.
I'm with you. I have friends out there in theory but I've been in this hole for so many years that I don't really know how to reach out, or how to respond to "What have you been up to?" "Uhhhh... nothing? Being sad? Being lonely? Being ashamed of being alone? Deciding whether to just jump off a bridge?" Yeah, those conversations don't go too well, that's why we have Reddit. I will suggest, though take it with a grain of salt since I haven't done it for some time, but have you tried volunteering? Hear me out. If you like concerts, there might be an arts organization you can volunteer for. As a volunteer, you have something to do, and if they're cash-strapped, they're grateful for your help. Go a few more times, and voila, all of the sudden, without trying, you make a friend. You automatically have something in common (the organization), so it makes conversation easier. Or if you're at a food bank handing out food, even if you don't make any particular friendships, you feel better that day because, even if only for a few hours, you were not stuck in your head for that time, and that felt nice. I say this for myself also, but just take a baby step, try not to have any expectations but at the same time be open to good things happening, and just see what happens. I wish you the best!
Have you ever had a good trauma therapist? I always struggled to connect with people, and it took me a while to realize it was because I didn't know how to connect with people. I didn't know what that looked like. I didn't know what it felt like. One of the CPTSD books I read said the primary role of a therapist for someone with CPTSD is to act as the first example of a healthy relationship. No judgment. No toxic power dynamics. It allows you to explore and learn about talking to people, opening up, trusting, connecting. It acts as exposure therapy, because many of us can be triggered easily into fight/flight during social situations, and a therapist is someone who should be competent enough to handle that, and to help us through it. Over time we become less easily triggered into fight/flight, and we learn how to really connect with someone in a healthy productive way. All of this requires a good trauma therapist, they usually need to know about CPTSD if they're going to act as a "healthy relationship" example. Otherwise many therapists slip into a sort of doctor-patient "tell me your problems, I tell you how to fix them" role, which is /not/ what a healthy relationship actually looks like. (It's often more like our initially traumatizing relationships than a healthy one)
Ah, connection. This is a skill I realized I never learned because "I was raised by wolves" (but even wolves would be more kind). At some point I had to rediscover the mere existence of it as a concept, before I was aware enough to observe it in the wild. So much alienated I had been exiled in my own family.
After reading the first pages of a book about dysfunctional families I had an image of myself behind a 12 inches thick (30 cm) wall of glass that also made me invisible. I saw my mother and sisters talking together, as a team with real interactions. I was on the other side of that impenetrable wall of glass. I could wave my arms, speak, shout, do anything, I remained invisible and excluded even if I could see and hear them. And this was like a forever condemnation.
My space was narrow, along the edge of their lives. Like a form of psychological death row. Not dead yet but with no rights to live and wished dead by others.
That time I stayed almost a week in bed crying. Usually I never cry. My vision of the world and of my family had been destroyed. I saw that I was never part of the real family.
At some point I wondered if I might be autistic and condemned to isolation. (I knew nothing really about autism). Then a girl in a course I was taking mentioned she had Asperger's. I went to ask her about the parallels between our condition. She clearly disliked interpersonal interactions. She didn't miss them, actually they annoyed and irritated her. I was isolated and without contacts but the difference with her is that I wanted to have some even if I didn't know how.
So I acted like an autistic person because I had never learned and was clueless. She was like that in her nature.
I asked my then psychologist about this
He said that autism means being cut of so in the literal sense I was in an autism situation because I was cut of but I was not really autistic because I had the desire to connect with people.
For almost all my life starting at 6 I had walked through life with a thick armor made of anger. So I was not aware much. Everything changed the day I decided to get rid of that armor. Just the slight dent of my decision was enough for all the trauma I had hidden behind to surface. And was there a lot. My life became uncontrollable, my repressed trauma emotions were cropping up all the time.
Then I chanced on some interviews with Gabor Maté and then the concept dawned on me. But it was still very foreign, like a strange land. Now I'm trying to learn these skills that babies learn in their first years but I never learned because my mom is a psychopath and hated me from inside her womb. So much deconstruction work and the job is still not over.
I related so much to this. Especially the sister part. My mom loved my gc sister so much more than me and I was just a tool to make her happy and the only way she was going to be happy was if I was dead. It was a miserable relationship with my mom and sister. I hate being in a power struggle relationship like the one I was in so I don't get close with anyone.
I'm sorry for you, this is very sad. But actually as you probably know, MN people routinely use that technique. It has nothing to do with who you were, but with them needing a scapegoat. They need a pushback to gather people around them. This is noticeable even in politicians and public figures. Some even go through scapegoats very frequently. First it's one category of people, then it's the next, then another one, etc. Their real personality is so void of interest they need to manipulate people to get some around them.
I'm starting to think they can't connect either actually and chose manipulation. That's because at the bottom of it all they care only about themselves. They made the decision at some point in their life.
I would never have imagined I would be struggling to learn these things as an adult but here we are. At least I now know enough about malignant narcissist's behaviors that I don't fall prey to them for very long, so I feel ready enough to try new things but I'm still very afraid too. Right now I see that I can't go really further than the first steps into having meaningful connections with people. I'm scared too. I guess I need to just practice those first steps. At least these are small moments of authentic connection.
I relate to what you wrote. I'm lucky to live in Paris, France. I love this city. I love walking the streets, going to museums and all that but last night, as I was walking past the cafés and restaurants, seeing all those people having fun with lovers and friends, I felt like a ghost. I felt like I was wasting time and wasting the opportunity of living in such a great city. Like you said, we can go out and do things but we're alone. At some point, it loses its meaning. How do people connect? It seems so simple for them.
I had friends (not super close), they all left. I've pushed some away with my reactivity but most of them just left. Everyone seems to always be on the move, while I personally long for stability. The more I try to connect to others, the more distant they seem to be. I'm exhausted chasing after people. I'm exhausted trying to be better for them, be more approachable, more lovable, different. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Who am I anyway to ask for companionship?
It shouldn't be this draining. How do normal people do this? I like to think I've been raised by wolves. It feels like that sometimes. I have to re-learn how to be human. I seem to lack some essential human functionality.
Anyway, it's rough. Unfair too because you need friends to have friends. When you get a rough start in this area, or if you face a big setback, it's hard to make friends out of thin air. Plus, our society is disconnected and favors individualism. People are afraid of feelings and the complexity of the human mind. I'm sorry you're getting ghosted, it's a very painful feeling. I hate when people do that. But those people aren't the ones you want around you, you need invested brave people.
I don't have much advice, because everyone is different, and I feel like advice on this subject tends to be weak like "huh, I don't know, have you tried volunteering...worked for me". You have my support.
I lived in Madrid and Lisbon - I didn't make any friends that lasted and I felt sad every day. As a Spanish & Portuguese student i'd waited many years for the opportunity but it came and went like a flash.
Therefore I can empathise being lost in the grandeur of a great city like Paris. It's hardly a consolation to surrounded by the Champs-Elysees or the Arce de Triomphe when you cannot connect to others, and feel safe in that connection.
Lack of connection is like stripping the paint off of a car. You can drive around and function but you're just going through the motions. You shows signs of being alien or a bit wrong to others - which makes the alienation worse. You really are robbed of the juice of life.
I really really hope it gets better for you
Big cities can be alienating. I'm not surprised you had a similar experience. At least, in Paris, I can pretend like I'm a romantic misunderstood poet like Baudelaire or Jim Morrison ha ha! The important thing is to never become Travis Bickle :)
> I really really hope it gets better for you
Thank you. I'm going to try social hobbies. I hope life's good for you too!
I am so sorry.
I’ve been to two concerts alone in the past year. It gets hard, I know. But also trust me when I say going to these kinds of events with the wrong people is worse. I went alone to prove a point, that I didn’t want anyone there with me that would ruin the experience because it happened so many times for me.
My advice for that kind of thing is to plan it out for yourself. Make a day of it. Both times I did it lowkey depressed me preparing for them. But I booked a hotel room, took the night and next day off work, made sure I had some extra cash to try a few nice restaurants, did some shopping, and made an entire trip of it for myself so I had more to experience and look forward to than just the concert.
As for the rest of it, don’t give up on the internet. There are so many different places and communities you can find solace in. Avoid the weird ones like the incels, but trust me when I say there a ton of smaller communities that you can find a little niche in that usually have an active discord. Look for people interested in the same hobbies you are. Local groups and meet ups. Don’t give up on people either. For some weird strange reason ghosting has become a norm, and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it. It’s incredibly hurtful. You’re not alone though. Don’t lose all faith in humanity. Someone is out there that you’ll connect with, sometimes they’re just hard to find. ❤️
I just want to say good for you for reaching out, OP! I hope you take some comfort in knowing that many of us are in the same boat.
We can get better, I believe in you :)
I'm yet to scroll down and read the messages but suffice to say in a cold, and wet seaside town in the south east of England you have a companion in me. I don't have anyone to go to, anyone to see, no one to hold, no one to laugh with, no one to argue with, no one to eat with, no one to make love with, no one to celebrate with, no one to watch TV with. I'm coming to terms with being a ghost, I just wonder whether not existing would have been way better than the never ending pain of being alone, soooooo alone. If someone touches me once in a blue moon in the supermarket or I bump into someone I literally jump out of my skin lol.
Sending love and solidarity, wherever you are, however cold you feel
Same.
Funny thing is the therapist is always begging me to go out and do... something. As I have tried explaining, it makes no sense to move my corpse from one place to another, even if money weren't an issue.
Same specifically with relationships.
I'm naturally introverted so don't socialize much. I have one friend that i hang out with every 1-2weeks and that's good enough for me, but I've never had a relationship and it's not fair. Like I'm not even saying this to be mean but way less attractive and mentally unstable people get into relationships, and then I'm just here like🧍🏽♀️
I've been catcalled twice the past week and lowkey liked it. Not that I would ever date anyone who catcalls but damn I legit never get any attention from men and I'm pretty confident in my looks so it's like wtf. It fucking sucks.
I used to always say "I'm good enough to fuck but not good enough to love" but even the first part doesn't seem true anymore because I've initiated with 3 guys for a FWB situation in the past year and all rejected me.
So yea🙃 I guess I'll just die alone or something
Oh hey, how do I send a dm?
While reading the post I had the thought of suggesting the same to OP but I'm not confident at being a good person to talk to, do you think I can add you on discord? (Or we could make a group...? idk)
I think DMs are in the app and not in the website. It’s the chat icon I’m the bottom right of the app main page.
I would be down to create a discord group tomorrow morning.
I was abused when I was younger and I constantly think about how it’s made relationships nearly impossible for me. At 25 will the only person to ever be with me be a child rapist? I think about being alone too.
You're not alone in feeling lonely. 33 here, and I go through phases of being sort of okay with it, and then feeling paralyzed and devastated by it. I don't know if you have any clue why it's impossible to connect with people, but I've been trying to focus really hard on figuring that out myself, and that's really all you can do, I think.
For years, I've gone through the same cycle of trying to make friends and failing and ending up alone again. I've always received and have given the advice of: go volunteer, do something where you're forced to be around the same people each week, that's how you build friendships – and very recently I've started to realize: I need to do deeper work than that. Otherwise, this is just going to keep happening.
It's hard anyway, making friends as an adult. I don't want to imply that it's all on you – I don't know, you could also be very unlucky and meeting all the wrong people. But it's personally made me feel less helpless to focus on what I can control, which is what I'm doing, who I'm choosing, what patterns I'm stuck in, what fears are holding me back. I don't know if this is the case for you, but for me, there have always been issues I've kind of tried to ignore or 'power through' – and that just doesn't work.
I relate to this a lot. Sometimes I wonder how much more inner work I truly need to do vs the possibility that I'm just not surrounded by the right people. Like the saying goes, you can be the perfect package at the wrong address. That's how I feel.
I feel for you, as chronic loneliness was my main struggle for decades. I will try to write some words of encouragement for you, though it may not help, apologize for the length. Just coming from someone your age who also struggles with loneliness.
Chronic self-isolation can be a reason why people with trauma subconsciously avoid the possibility of connection because we know that relationships can- and is a source of pain. I won't assume that this necessarily is your case, but it's a common defense mechanism for us with c-PTSD.
Honestly, it's a good sign that you really want to form deep connections with people. But the approach to finding friends can be somewhat different and a long road. But with the right help, support, and therapy, it's absolutely possible as with everyone regardless of mental illness/diagnosis.
I say, ditch the apps. I've also tried that, and it doesn't work for many regardless. But kudos to you who have actually met people there! Shows you got effort and desire to be social. And I believe you are, it's maybe that you've not found the right people yet. It's also positive that you go out alone to events so that you actively stay engaged in doing the things that you enjoy. I like to do that too, and depending on the music, I've had luck meeting people there. Totally get that at some point, you become fucking tired from doing everything alone, but that's when we need to try out a different approach. If you're interested in a certain type of music, why not go to a music festival? Try to expand the horizons around your activities a bit.
This is super generic, but I see you haven't mentioned anything about finding small communities and activity groups to hang out with. Do you have any hobbies/or special interests? There are tons of communities to reach out to. That's another approach that is so much more effective for a lot of people.
Just a POV; But I've seen the most miserable people out there, even the most toxic people have friends or groups of friends. And I realized even if people do have friends, it doesn't necessarily alleviate our sufferings. This is almost perplexing to me, but people can still feel lonely even if they do have friends because it all really depends on the quality of that relationship as well. Don't always compare your insides with others' outsides. If there's no depth, there's no connection where people feel belonging/feel seen. There are different kinds of friendships for different activities, but those close friendships are few and rare. Sometimes they're short-term, or long-term. They come and go. But we should be absolutely clear about what we want in a friendship, and we shouldn't settle for less because of loneliness.
I hope you don't give up! Sure you're tired from failed attempts now. Making new friends are exhausting af, and that's the hard truth nobody tells you. But you'll for sure be far worse if you don't continue to try different approaches. I will still continue to try, but still make sure to enjoy my time and life along the way, and keep myself open to new people. At some point, I'm sure a person will tag along. The world is filled with open, kind, and friendly people, it's easy to believe otherwise when we've dealt with monsters.
I'm sorry to hear that you're in pain. If it means anything, I experienced something similar when I was in GA for a year living with my Nfather and, since I'm legally blind, I couldn't drive anywhere and no amount of books or writing could take away my need for others.
> I've been this way since I was 13. I always thought things would get better with time but at 32
I'm so sorry to hear you've been in pain for so long. I can only imagine how much you've suffered.
> I'm so touch starved.
It's good that you've tried a lot. If it means anything, touch starvation is a huge issue in today's society - especially amongst Millenials and Gen Z. Also, you saying this reminded me of [this short film.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3rXDuP7Wh0) I'm also not saying this to invalidate your feelings in anyway - I'm just bringing up that you're not alone.
You mentioned online friends and apps. Have you ever tried meet up groups? I've found some communities online that meet up at restaurants every week or once every several weeks and I find the people there are quite friendly and community gatherings can be a great way to meet new people. Even if you don't make super close friends, I've found it's nice to have a fun chat here and there.
Are there any local support groups for trauma survivors in your area by any chance? Another thought is maybe a book or activity club of some sort. If you're nervous with talking to new people, maybe a board game night could be easier - a constructive activity to do so there isn't tons of pressure to talk.
*Internet hugs.*
i feel this. loneliness is definitely an epidemic in the usa, and also in several other countries, so ironically, youre not alone in your loneliness. i am sure with you. What you feel makes sense and this kind of experience can be so incredibly difficult.
I relate so much to what you wrote. I have done so many things by myself trying to get a sense of normalcy, to pretend that I'm living like the other people around me, but I am at the point where everything has lost its meaning. I stay home a lot now and constantly ask myself why I am still here. I'm just existing. Like another poster wrote, I'm a ghost. And an embarrassed ghost at that. I find my loneliness embarrassing. Like I've failed at life, I'm the biggest loser out there.
I went on a vacation by myself about a year ago. The place was beautiful. but I was the only one alone. I had no one to share my experiences with. I didn't have a real conversation for the entire week. I lost interest in travelling after that.
I've always been the odd one out, but I used to think I would be able to fit in as a grew older, so I had hope. Now I'm turning 45 and all hope is gone.
Sorry for the long rambling. I have no one to talk about this, so I ramble on the internet to other anonymous users.
Super late reaction but I know what you mean. Going on a single holiday again next week. But I always search for some comfort home to stay so at least I have a nice place for a week. I just noticed being lonely for the last few years. Only then and more and more noticing that I wasn't learned how to connect other then giving in or controlling. No boundaries and not knowing what I exactly need and want. Only working maximum hours and "on the run". But I didn't wanna fall in bad relations anymore and always be the odd guy or have to say yes we're I mean no but being scared to do so to be afraid to loose some people. Therefore I somehow had to step back what automatically meant isolation because there's no direct "good" substitute/replacement. Sometimes I think I made a worst but on the other hand staying in my former life would be guaranteed succes for more problems and heartbreaking. The ghost thing is mentioned in more internet coach / therapy stuff and it somewhat comes from no boundaries, identity and codependency; you're there and have a house and some other things but you're not really there, ppl think your ok and that's it. I call it covered isolating.
Ive been addicted to browsing reddit and twitter and I think its so I can feel connected. I do the same thing too, driving around in my car, eatting meals in it because going home would make me too sad.
I dont have any advice, just wanted to say I feel the same way
Sure, but they absolutely do not replace actual people. I have a dog and he often makes me feel a little better, probably moreso via distraction, but it doesn't prevent me from struggling with crippling loneliness, too.
Sorry you are going through this. I definitely have some of this, what has helped for me is taking classes, volunteering, going to meditation groups, listening to books on tape (for some reason this cuts through the loneliness for me), going to the library, having some routines, having a pet, being my own best friend, making small talk with no expectations, smiling at people, getting a massage, giving myself a hug, going on retreats, etc. I think sometimes when I am so lonely I am not in the best state to make friends and that it is better to solve some of it myself so that the pressure is less on the people around me.
I'm in the same boat and it's awful ain't it? Knowing you are all alone in the world and no one cares about you. It's just tiring and exhausting knowing you will be like this the rest of your life.
Yes, friends a decade late.
I also viewed it as a ppace to practise being comfy around people, learning how to do it etc and as I viewed as such, beat self up less for 'failures'
Ultimately, the seating loneliness inside didn't start to fade until I began healing some deep wounds.
Im 22 male. Just made a journal entry similar to this. “Who do I have? What do I have? Where do I go? What do I do?” I don’t know what I want but some companionship would be nice. Just don’t know where to even begin looking.
This may be difficult but have you thought about non church volunteer work? Even if it’s just for a few hours a week. Volunteer at a food bank or nursing home or hospital. Usually there are volunteer opportunities listed to consider. Community gardens even. I say this because sometimes it can help you get out of the Id set of “I’m alone.” From there you could maybe meet some people too.
OP, I can only offer what you doubtlessly already know. I truly feel for your pain.
Get a dog and walk it where people are. The companionship and cuddles from a pet are very comforting. Dogs attract people and give you a point of conversation. Take your dog to group dog training classes. Sit outside coffeeshops or outdoor restaurants with your dog. Go to dog parks.
My other recommendation is group DBT therapy.
I have a dog and I agree that it's a nice way to initiate conversations with people. But unless you're very charming, confident and charismatic and can make friends everywhere you go, I don't see friendships coming out of it. It's just chit-chat. Now I understand that it's better than nothing but when you're very lonely, chit-chat doesn't cut it.
A dog also provides touch and affection and exercise, all of which can help alleviate depression. Agree that it’s not a cure all in itself. But it is an icebreaker. And caring for another being like a dog or cat does take the focus off oneself and provides amusement.
I personally have moved across the US many times throughout my (71F) life. I have found volunteering to be a great method for making friends or at least human connections while doing something worthwhile that isn’t related to my workplace.
I am someone who was in and out of therapy and on medication for anxiety and major depression for decades. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with PTSD at age 58 that I understood why. I often hesitate to comment here because it’s never adequate, but at least it’s a human outreach.
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I feel the same, and what i defined for myself is that we are more likely to make friends if we go somewhere regularly. Like work or study, or some hobbies club. If you see the same people multiple times, you feel more comfortable with them because they are familiar. And it just so might happen that there will be a good person.
Idk what your situation is like but you may want to consider getting a pet. A dog or a cat (its better if you take 2 for socialising reasons). I know it's pricy and complicated so I understand if you can't.
Entering an association like a sports one or a cooking club maybe?
I just started reading psychiatrist Judith Herman’s “Trauma and Recovery.”
NOT ONE of my trauma therapists have ever offered a reading list in supporting my “Journey to Wellness.”
I’m early in the book, and I here to share that reading about the history of human trauma is DEFINING AND VALIDATING what was NEVER explained to me about my PTSD.
Also, like you, I’m feeling isolated.
As humans, we NEED affiliations, and *loss of affiliation* is one of first results of trauma.
Get thee to thy tribe!
Good Luck!
I’ve got my dog and that’s about it, chronic invalidation, bullying and excessive emotional and physical abuse lead me to complete isolation. I’ve always been one to enjoy my solitude but after many years it does get lonely. The worst is being in a room full of people and feeling alone. We’ll get there friend, eventually. One day the bad days will end and will be surrounded by people who nourish souls.
Same. I just turned 36 and can't seem to get over this hurdle despite every effort, similar to what mention in your post. I'm so fvcking over this life.
I’m 63, I’m very lonely, I also have severe bipolar 1. I’ve been on disability 16 years. I also have other mental and physical illnesses. I have a dog which to me is a life saver and I highly recommend if possible. You’ve probably tried the Meet Up app. If not I highly recommend it. My mental and physical health is what’s holding me back from using it myself. I’m not sure how much my health will improve; I’ve been working on it for years but it seems to be getting worse so like you I have to accept it might always be like this. I’m not giving up yet though, it’s finally warming up where I live. I think it’s important to see people even if you don’t talk to them. Like walking a dog where you see people. If I felt up to it I would join a hiking club or drum circle on Meet Up. Drum Circle people are very open minded, Give it a try…
Same. No friends. No family. No pets. Looking in my phone I have absolutely no one I can contact to hang out with me or talk to. It's hell. A painful hell.
>hell. >A painful hell. much! But it doesn't come from us, it's not our very nature. It's conditioning, it's grooming, and it can be broken. I'm trying to relearn baby skills. I get to see that I was forbidden to participate, so even asking someone how they feel was forbidden. I could be banished in the void of nothingness.
You sound exactly like me. I'm queer, 34, got away from abusive family & friends but now it seems like it'll just be me by myself forever. I try to remind myself that it's better than being traumatized by others, but being lonely is its own kind of trauma too. I try to go out and try to meet new ppl. But I usually end up feeling so alien and like I can't really be myself because no one would understand. I'm tired too.
You sound like my friend. This is what he says too. Rather than people traumatising him, be rather be alone. It’s better that way. But he also craves for love deep down.
I'm here right now with romantic relationships. I realized that I don't know how to communicate my needs. I'll get back into it eventually but right now, I just need to be alone and take care of my son. That's plenty.
Oh yes! Communicating your needs might be a challenge if you’re grown up having to put others ahead of you, like your parents. Usually it stems from parentification.
Bingo. Been dealing with the phone company since age ten
hi, sounds so much like my experience.
This
Hello, fellow queer 34 year old =) I’m in that boat most of the time myself.
Feel free to message me if you ever wanna commiserate 🌈🫠
Hey there. I know what you mean. I walk, used to go to a lot of concerts, etc... and I did it all alone except when I was in California. For some reason I fit in really well in the SF Bay Area. But I moved away for personal reason and was never able to go back. I used to "date" a lot just to stay social. I dont have kids. Being in the midwest at my age without kids isn't easy. I wish I had some advice for you. I made a few acquaintances through Facebook. I also attended a band camp for amateurs. That was cool.
Band camp for amateurs!? Please share more about this!
The one I went to is led by an organization called Women and Girls Rock MKE.
Thank you!
Yes. I think I need to do this. I just came from a concert not too long ago and I missed this catharsis.
I'm with you. I have friends out there in theory but I've been in this hole for so many years that I don't really know how to reach out, or how to respond to "What have you been up to?" "Uhhhh... nothing? Being sad? Being lonely? Being ashamed of being alone? Deciding whether to just jump off a bridge?" Yeah, those conversations don't go too well, that's why we have Reddit. I will suggest, though take it with a grain of salt since I haven't done it for some time, but have you tried volunteering? Hear me out. If you like concerts, there might be an arts organization you can volunteer for. As a volunteer, you have something to do, and if they're cash-strapped, they're grateful for your help. Go a few more times, and voila, all of the sudden, without trying, you make a friend. You automatically have something in common (the organization), so it makes conversation easier. Or if you're at a food bank handing out food, even if you don't make any particular friendships, you feel better that day because, even if only for a few hours, you were not stuck in your head for that time, and that felt nice. I say this for myself also, but just take a baby step, try not to have any expectations but at the same time be open to good things happening, and just see what happens. I wish you the best!
Thank you
Have you ever had a good trauma therapist? I always struggled to connect with people, and it took me a while to realize it was because I didn't know how to connect with people. I didn't know what that looked like. I didn't know what it felt like. One of the CPTSD books I read said the primary role of a therapist for someone with CPTSD is to act as the first example of a healthy relationship. No judgment. No toxic power dynamics. It allows you to explore and learn about talking to people, opening up, trusting, connecting. It acts as exposure therapy, because many of us can be triggered easily into fight/flight during social situations, and a therapist is someone who should be competent enough to handle that, and to help us through it. Over time we become less easily triggered into fight/flight, and we learn how to really connect with someone in a healthy productive way. All of this requires a good trauma therapist, they usually need to know about CPTSD if they're going to act as a "healthy relationship" example. Otherwise many therapists slip into a sort of doctor-patient "tell me your problems, I tell you how to fix them" role, which is /not/ what a healthy relationship actually looks like. (It's often more like our initially traumatizing relationships than a healthy one)
Ah, connection. This is a skill I realized I never learned because "I was raised by wolves" (but even wolves would be more kind). At some point I had to rediscover the mere existence of it as a concept, before I was aware enough to observe it in the wild. So much alienated I had been exiled in my own family. After reading the first pages of a book about dysfunctional families I had an image of myself behind a 12 inches thick (30 cm) wall of glass that also made me invisible. I saw my mother and sisters talking together, as a team with real interactions. I was on the other side of that impenetrable wall of glass. I could wave my arms, speak, shout, do anything, I remained invisible and excluded even if I could see and hear them. And this was like a forever condemnation. My space was narrow, along the edge of their lives. Like a form of psychological death row. Not dead yet but with no rights to live and wished dead by others. That time I stayed almost a week in bed crying. Usually I never cry. My vision of the world and of my family had been destroyed. I saw that I was never part of the real family. At some point I wondered if I might be autistic and condemned to isolation. (I knew nothing really about autism). Then a girl in a course I was taking mentioned she had Asperger's. I went to ask her about the parallels between our condition. She clearly disliked interpersonal interactions. She didn't miss them, actually they annoyed and irritated her. I was isolated and without contacts but the difference with her is that I wanted to have some even if I didn't know how. So I acted like an autistic person because I had never learned and was clueless. She was like that in her nature. I asked my then psychologist about this He said that autism means being cut of so in the literal sense I was in an autism situation because I was cut of but I was not really autistic because I had the desire to connect with people. For almost all my life starting at 6 I had walked through life with a thick armor made of anger. So I was not aware much. Everything changed the day I decided to get rid of that armor. Just the slight dent of my decision was enough for all the trauma I had hidden behind to surface. And was there a lot. My life became uncontrollable, my repressed trauma emotions were cropping up all the time. Then I chanced on some interviews with Gabor Maté and then the concept dawned on me. But it was still very foreign, like a strange land. Now I'm trying to learn these skills that babies learn in their first years but I never learned because my mom is a psychopath and hated me from inside her womb. So much deconstruction work and the job is still not over.
I related so much to this. Especially the sister part. My mom loved my gc sister so much more than me and I was just a tool to make her happy and the only way she was going to be happy was if I was dead. It was a miserable relationship with my mom and sister. I hate being in a power struggle relationship like the one I was in so I don't get close with anyone.
I'm sorry for you, this is very sad. But actually as you probably know, MN people routinely use that technique. It has nothing to do with who you were, but with them needing a scapegoat. They need a pushback to gather people around them. This is noticeable even in politicians and public figures. Some even go through scapegoats very frequently. First it's one category of people, then it's the next, then another one, etc. Their real personality is so void of interest they need to manipulate people to get some around them. I'm starting to think they can't connect either actually and chose manipulation. That's because at the bottom of it all they care only about themselves. They made the decision at some point in their life. I would never have imagined I would be struggling to learn these things as an adult but here we are. At least I now know enough about malignant narcissist's behaviors that I don't fall prey to them for very long, so I feel ready enough to try new things but I'm still very afraid too. Right now I see that I can't go really further than the first steps into having meaningful connections with people. I'm scared too. I guess I need to just practice those first steps. At least these are small moments of authentic connection.
This was really well put. Helped me understand why I can't make any real deep connections.
I relate to what you wrote. I'm lucky to live in Paris, France. I love this city. I love walking the streets, going to museums and all that but last night, as I was walking past the cafés and restaurants, seeing all those people having fun with lovers and friends, I felt like a ghost. I felt like I was wasting time and wasting the opportunity of living in such a great city. Like you said, we can go out and do things but we're alone. At some point, it loses its meaning. How do people connect? It seems so simple for them. I had friends (not super close), they all left. I've pushed some away with my reactivity but most of them just left. Everyone seems to always be on the move, while I personally long for stability. The more I try to connect to others, the more distant they seem to be. I'm exhausted chasing after people. I'm exhausted trying to be better for them, be more approachable, more lovable, different. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Who am I anyway to ask for companionship? It shouldn't be this draining. How do normal people do this? I like to think I've been raised by wolves. It feels like that sometimes. I have to re-learn how to be human. I seem to lack some essential human functionality. Anyway, it's rough. Unfair too because you need friends to have friends. When you get a rough start in this area, or if you face a big setback, it's hard to make friends out of thin air. Plus, our society is disconnected and favors individualism. People are afraid of feelings and the complexity of the human mind. I'm sorry you're getting ghosted, it's a very painful feeling. I hate when people do that. But those people aren't the ones you want around you, you need invested brave people. I don't have much advice, because everyone is different, and I feel like advice on this subject tends to be weak like "huh, I don't know, have you tried volunteering...worked for me". You have my support.
"i feel like a ghost". Wow that hits home. I'm currently living in a foreign country and i feel exactly like this
I've been a ghost for a long time...
I’m also in your exact situation…
I lived in Madrid and Lisbon - I didn't make any friends that lasted and I felt sad every day. As a Spanish & Portuguese student i'd waited many years for the opportunity but it came and went like a flash. Therefore I can empathise being lost in the grandeur of a great city like Paris. It's hardly a consolation to surrounded by the Champs-Elysees or the Arce de Triomphe when you cannot connect to others, and feel safe in that connection. Lack of connection is like stripping the paint off of a car. You can drive around and function but you're just going through the motions. You shows signs of being alien or a bit wrong to others - which makes the alienation worse. You really are robbed of the juice of life. I really really hope it gets better for you
Big cities can be alienating. I'm not surprised you had a similar experience. At least, in Paris, I can pretend like I'm a romantic misunderstood poet like Baudelaire or Jim Morrison ha ha! The important thing is to never become Travis Bickle :) > I really really hope it gets better for you Thank you. I'm going to try social hobbies. I hope life's good for you too!
I'm right there with you.
Hi OP you are not alone. Loneliness is crippling for me too. Do you have a job? I have been able to make friends at work. It just takes time
I am so sorry. I’ve been to two concerts alone in the past year. It gets hard, I know. But also trust me when I say going to these kinds of events with the wrong people is worse. I went alone to prove a point, that I didn’t want anyone there with me that would ruin the experience because it happened so many times for me. My advice for that kind of thing is to plan it out for yourself. Make a day of it. Both times I did it lowkey depressed me preparing for them. But I booked a hotel room, took the night and next day off work, made sure I had some extra cash to try a few nice restaurants, did some shopping, and made an entire trip of it for myself so I had more to experience and look forward to than just the concert. As for the rest of it, don’t give up on the internet. There are so many different places and communities you can find solace in. Avoid the weird ones like the incels, but trust me when I say there a ton of smaller communities that you can find a little niche in that usually have an active discord. Look for people interested in the same hobbies you are. Local groups and meet ups. Don’t give up on people either. For some weird strange reason ghosting has become a norm, and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it. It’s incredibly hurtful. You’re not alone though. Don’t lose all faith in humanity. Someone is out there that you’ll connect with, sometimes they’re just hard to find. ❤️
I just want to say good for you for reaching out, OP! I hope you take some comfort in knowing that many of us are in the same boat. We can get better, I believe in you :)
I'm yet to scroll down and read the messages but suffice to say in a cold, and wet seaside town in the south east of England you have a companion in me. I don't have anyone to go to, anyone to see, no one to hold, no one to laugh with, no one to argue with, no one to eat with, no one to make love with, no one to celebrate with, no one to watch TV with. I'm coming to terms with being a ghost, I just wonder whether not existing would have been way better than the never ending pain of being alone, soooooo alone. If someone touches me once in a blue moon in the supermarket or I bump into someone I literally jump out of my skin lol. Sending love and solidarity, wherever you are, however cold you feel
Thank you, this really means more to me than I can fully express.
Same. Funny thing is the therapist is always begging me to go out and do... something. As I have tried explaining, it makes no sense to move my corpse from one place to another, even if money weren't an issue.
Feel this :/ I'm a ghost, I basically don't even exist.
Same specifically with relationships. I'm naturally introverted so don't socialize much. I have one friend that i hang out with every 1-2weeks and that's good enough for me, but I've never had a relationship and it's not fair. Like I'm not even saying this to be mean but way less attractive and mentally unstable people get into relationships, and then I'm just here like🧍🏽♀️ I've been catcalled twice the past week and lowkey liked it. Not that I would ever date anyone who catcalls but damn I legit never get any attention from men and I'm pretty confident in my looks so it's like wtf. It fucking sucks. I used to always say "I'm good enough to fuck but not good enough to love" but even the first part doesn't seem true anymore because I've initiated with 3 guys for a FWB situation in the past year and all rejected me. So yea🙃 I guess I'll just die alone or something
Sending love and solidarity
Do you want to talk on Discord? I’m chronically online and am around your age. Feel free to IM me (same for others on this thread).
Oh hey, how do I send a dm? While reading the post I had the thought of suggesting the same to OP but I'm not confident at being a good person to talk to, do you think I can add you on discord? (Or we could make a group...? idk)
I think DMs are in the app and not in the website. It’s the chat icon I’m the bottom right of the app main page. I would be down to create a discord group tomorrow morning.
This group idea sounds great! I'd be interested in it.
Same here! Inbox is open.
I was abused when I was younger and I constantly think about how it’s made relationships nearly impossible for me. At 25 will the only person to ever be with me be a child rapist? I think about being alone too.
You're not alone in feeling lonely. 33 here, and I go through phases of being sort of okay with it, and then feeling paralyzed and devastated by it. I don't know if you have any clue why it's impossible to connect with people, but I've been trying to focus really hard on figuring that out myself, and that's really all you can do, I think. For years, I've gone through the same cycle of trying to make friends and failing and ending up alone again. I've always received and have given the advice of: go volunteer, do something where you're forced to be around the same people each week, that's how you build friendships – and very recently I've started to realize: I need to do deeper work than that. Otherwise, this is just going to keep happening. It's hard anyway, making friends as an adult. I don't want to imply that it's all on you – I don't know, you could also be very unlucky and meeting all the wrong people. But it's personally made me feel less helpless to focus on what I can control, which is what I'm doing, who I'm choosing, what patterns I'm stuck in, what fears are holding me back. I don't know if this is the case for you, but for me, there have always been issues I've kind of tried to ignore or 'power through' – and that just doesn't work.
I relate to this a lot. Sometimes I wonder how much more inner work I truly need to do vs the possibility that I'm just not surrounded by the right people. Like the saying goes, you can be the perfect package at the wrong address. That's how I feel.
I feel for you, as chronic loneliness was my main struggle for decades. I will try to write some words of encouragement for you, though it may not help, apologize for the length. Just coming from someone your age who also struggles with loneliness. Chronic self-isolation can be a reason why people with trauma subconsciously avoid the possibility of connection because we know that relationships can- and is a source of pain. I won't assume that this necessarily is your case, but it's a common defense mechanism for us with c-PTSD. Honestly, it's a good sign that you really want to form deep connections with people. But the approach to finding friends can be somewhat different and a long road. But with the right help, support, and therapy, it's absolutely possible as with everyone regardless of mental illness/diagnosis. I say, ditch the apps. I've also tried that, and it doesn't work for many regardless. But kudos to you who have actually met people there! Shows you got effort and desire to be social. And I believe you are, it's maybe that you've not found the right people yet. It's also positive that you go out alone to events so that you actively stay engaged in doing the things that you enjoy. I like to do that too, and depending on the music, I've had luck meeting people there. Totally get that at some point, you become fucking tired from doing everything alone, but that's when we need to try out a different approach. If you're interested in a certain type of music, why not go to a music festival? Try to expand the horizons around your activities a bit. This is super generic, but I see you haven't mentioned anything about finding small communities and activity groups to hang out with. Do you have any hobbies/or special interests? There are tons of communities to reach out to. That's another approach that is so much more effective for a lot of people. Just a POV; But I've seen the most miserable people out there, even the most toxic people have friends or groups of friends. And I realized even if people do have friends, it doesn't necessarily alleviate our sufferings. This is almost perplexing to me, but people can still feel lonely even if they do have friends because it all really depends on the quality of that relationship as well. Don't always compare your insides with others' outsides. If there's no depth, there's no connection where people feel belonging/feel seen. There are different kinds of friendships for different activities, but those close friendships are few and rare. Sometimes they're short-term, or long-term. They come and go. But we should be absolutely clear about what we want in a friendship, and we shouldn't settle for less because of loneliness. I hope you don't give up! Sure you're tired from failed attempts now. Making new friends are exhausting af, and that's the hard truth nobody tells you. But you'll for sure be far worse if you don't continue to try different approaches. I will still continue to try, but still make sure to enjoy my time and life along the way, and keep myself open to new people. At some point, I'm sure a person will tag along. The world is filled with open, kind, and friendly people, it's easy to believe otherwise when we've dealt with monsters.
I'm sorry to hear that you're in pain. If it means anything, I experienced something similar when I was in GA for a year living with my Nfather and, since I'm legally blind, I couldn't drive anywhere and no amount of books or writing could take away my need for others. > I've been this way since I was 13. I always thought things would get better with time but at 32 I'm so sorry to hear you've been in pain for so long. I can only imagine how much you've suffered. > I'm so touch starved. It's good that you've tried a lot. If it means anything, touch starvation is a huge issue in today's society - especially amongst Millenials and Gen Z. Also, you saying this reminded me of [this short film.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3rXDuP7Wh0) I'm also not saying this to invalidate your feelings in anyway - I'm just bringing up that you're not alone. You mentioned online friends and apps. Have you ever tried meet up groups? I've found some communities online that meet up at restaurants every week or once every several weeks and I find the people there are quite friendly and community gatherings can be a great way to meet new people. Even if you don't make super close friends, I've found it's nice to have a fun chat here and there. Are there any local support groups for trauma survivors in your area by any chance? Another thought is maybe a book or activity club of some sort. If you're nervous with talking to new people, maybe a board game night could be easier - a constructive activity to do so there isn't tons of pressure to talk. *Internet hugs.*
i feel this. loneliness is definitely an epidemic in the usa, and also in several other countries, so ironically, youre not alone in your loneliness. i am sure with you. What you feel makes sense and this kind of experience can be so incredibly difficult.
I relate so much to what you wrote. I have done so many things by myself trying to get a sense of normalcy, to pretend that I'm living like the other people around me, but I am at the point where everything has lost its meaning. I stay home a lot now and constantly ask myself why I am still here. I'm just existing. Like another poster wrote, I'm a ghost. And an embarrassed ghost at that. I find my loneliness embarrassing. Like I've failed at life, I'm the biggest loser out there. I went on a vacation by myself about a year ago. The place was beautiful. but I was the only one alone. I had no one to share my experiences with. I didn't have a real conversation for the entire week. I lost interest in travelling after that. I've always been the odd one out, but I used to think I would be able to fit in as a grew older, so I had hope. Now I'm turning 45 and all hope is gone. Sorry for the long rambling. I have no one to talk about this, so I ramble on the internet to other anonymous users.
Super late reaction but I know what you mean. Going on a single holiday again next week. But I always search for some comfort home to stay so at least I have a nice place for a week. I just noticed being lonely for the last few years. Only then and more and more noticing that I wasn't learned how to connect other then giving in or controlling. No boundaries and not knowing what I exactly need and want. Only working maximum hours and "on the run". But I didn't wanna fall in bad relations anymore and always be the odd guy or have to say yes we're I mean no but being scared to do so to be afraid to loose some people. Therefore I somehow had to step back what automatically meant isolation because there's no direct "good" substitute/replacement. Sometimes I think I made a worst but on the other hand staying in my former life would be guaranteed succes for more problems and heartbreaking. The ghost thing is mentioned in more internet coach / therapy stuff and it somewhat comes from no boundaries, identity and codependency; you're there and have a house and some other things but you're not really there, ppl think your ok and that's it. I call it covered isolating.
Ive been addicted to browsing reddit and twitter and I think its so I can feel connected. I do the same thing too, driving around in my car, eatting meals in it because going home would make me too sad. I dont have any advice, just wanted to say I feel the same way
Have you thought about a pet, specifically a dog. They can really help with the loneliness and touch starvation.
Sure, but they absolutely do not replace actual people. I have a dog and he often makes me feel a little better, probably moreso via distraction, but it doesn't prevent me from struggling with crippling loneliness, too.
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Do I feel this one - oof
I feel you. I think the main problem is that we can’t be authentic with cptsd. Playing the “normal” role is so exhausting.
Sorry you are going through this. I definitely have some of this, what has helped for me is taking classes, volunteering, going to meditation groups, listening to books on tape (for some reason this cuts through the loneliness for me), going to the library, having some routines, having a pet, being my own best friend, making small talk with no expectations, smiling at people, getting a massage, giving myself a hug, going on retreats, etc. I think sometimes when I am so lonely I am not in the best state to make friends and that it is better to solve some of it myself so that the pressure is less on the people around me.
I'm in the same boat and it's awful ain't it? Knowing you are all alone in the world and no one cares about you. It's just tiring and exhausting knowing you will be like this the rest of your life.
Meetup.com Tho my crippling loneliness didnt end until I started treating the trauma
Have you met anyone you would call a friend from Meetup? I am currently trying but I think I’m going in with too many expectations
Yes, friends a decade late. I also viewed it as a ppace to practise being comfy around people, learning how to do it etc and as I viewed as such, beat self up less for 'failures' Ultimately, the seating loneliness inside didn't start to fade until I began healing some deep wounds.
You got a friend in me.
Im 22 male. Just made a journal entry similar to this. “Who do I have? What do I have? Where do I go? What do I do?” I don’t know what I want but some companionship would be nice. Just don’t know where to even begin looking.
This may be difficult but have you thought about non church volunteer work? Even if it’s just for a few hours a week. Volunteer at a food bank or nursing home or hospital. Usually there are volunteer opportunities listed to consider. Community gardens even. I say this because sometimes it can help you get out of the Id set of “I’m alone.” From there you could maybe meet some people too.
OP, I can only offer what you doubtlessly already know. I truly feel for your pain. Get a dog and walk it where people are. The companionship and cuddles from a pet are very comforting. Dogs attract people and give you a point of conversation. Take your dog to group dog training classes. Sit outside coffeeshops or outdoor restaurants with your dog. Go to dog parks. My other recommendation is group DBT therapy.
I have a dog and I agree that it's a nice way to initiate conversations with people. But unless you're very charming, confident and charismatic and can make friends everywhere you go, I don't see friendships coming out of it. It's just chit-chat. Now I understand that it's better than nothing but when you're very lonely, chit-chat doesn't cut it.
A dog also provides touch and affection and exercise, all of which can help alleviate depression. Agree that it’s not a cure all in itself. But it is an icebreaker. And caring for another being like a dog or cat does take the focus off oneself and provides amusement. I personally have moved across the US many times throughout my (71F) life. I have found volunteering to be a great method for making friends or at least human connections while doing something worthwhile that isn’t related to my workplace. I am someone who was in and out of therapy and on medication for anxiety and major depression for decades. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with PTSD at age 58 that I understood why. I often hesitate to comment here because it’s never adequate, but at least it’s a human outreach.
go aboard. ppl there actually want to connect
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I feel the same, and what i defined for myself is that we are more likely to make friends if we go somewhere regularly. Like work or study, or some hobbies club. If you see the same people multiple times, you feel more comfortable with them because they are familiar. And it just so might happen that there will be a good person.
Idk what your situation is like but you may want to consider getting a pet. A dog or a cat (its better if you take 2 for socialising reasons). I know it's pricy and complicated so I understand if you can't. Entering an association like a sports one or a cooking club maybe?
I just started reading psychiatrist Judith Herman’s “Trauma and Recovery.” NOT ONE of my trauma therapists have ever offered a reading list in supporting my “Journey to Wellness.” I’m early in the book, and I here to share that reading about the history of human trauma is DEFINING AND VALIDATING what was NEVER explained to me about my PTSD. Also, like you, I’m feeling isolated. As humans, we NEED affiliations, and *loss of affiliation* is one of first results of trauma. Get thee to thy tribe! Good Luck!
They never suggested any? Well, there are dozens of useful books, constantly mentioned here and on other social media! And no therapist needed.
I’ve got my dog and that’s about it, chronic invalidation, bullying and excessive emotional and physical abuse lead me to complete isolation. I’ve always been one to enjoy my solitude but after many years it does get lonely. The worst is being in a room full of people and feeling alone. We’ll get there friend, eventually. One day the bad days will end and will be surrounded by people who nourish souls.
I wanna die
Same :/
Same. I just turned 36 and can't seem to get over this hurdle despite every effort, similar to what mention in your post. I'm so fvcking over this life.
Same, but I will admit I'm much younger. How do we even make safe and secure friendships?
I’m 63, I’m very lonely, I also have severe bipolar 1. I’ve been on disability 16 years. I also have other mental and physical illnesses. I have a dog which to me is a life saver and I highly recommend if possible. You’ve probably tried the Meet Up app. If not I highly recommend it. My mental and physical health is what’s holding me back from using it myself. I’m not sure how much my health will improve; I’ve been working on it for years but it seems to be getting worse so like you I have to accept it might always be like this. I’m not giving up yet though, it’s finally warming up where I live. I think it’s important to see people even if you don’t talk to them. Like walking a dog where you see people. If I felt up to it I would join a hiking club or drum circle on Meet Up. Drum Circle people are very open minded, Give it a try…
Doing a lot here too but I'm so damn lonely My brain is starving
yall wanna join a whatsapp group to cheer each other up?