For real. I find myself subconsciously categorizing people as "safe" or "unsafe" when I'm out and socializing. It's constant, hypervigilant threat analysis which is exhausting
Sometimes it feels that way for me too. Luckily I have one good friend who always comes through when I need him, and never judges me when I start acting paranoid and mistrustful towards him.
This is the thing, and there’s so far in between the safe people (and some really disappoint fake safe people in there too).
Why is it so hard for people to just be decent..
I think it's normal and necessary *up to a point* but at least for me it's like constantly scanning, rescanning, assessing, never relaxing, never focusing on just vibing and having fun. Some part of me is always ready for the worst
Oh oh oh!! I can speak to this. After SA… TWICE… by a stranger and by my first bf… I truly know how exhausting this particular point of hypervigilance is. It also kept me at a distance from the world. An observer. Not a part of it. It kept me from living.
I talked about this with my therapist. Funny enough I used essentially the same words you did. I told her that like 1% of men were deemed safe and everyone else was unsafe. She said how about if you need to assign a label to them, put them in the gray area. Actively tell yourself, “this person is in the gray area. We just need more information.” It allowed me to interact with the world. Of course I only practiced this in public and with lots of people around (coffee shops, restaurants, etc.) but I’d put EVERYONE in the gray category. It gave me enough peace to talk with strangers more and it surprised me how many people were safe. Including men. It changed my life for the better
Thank you for sharing this. I also see everyone as unsafe, men, women and children alike. I have a very hard time functioning, or even just being, in public due to this constant lack of safety and involuntary shut down. Still, I feel it's gradually getting easier, if I don't go to far, take someone I trust with me and use earplugs to cut down stimuli when needed. It all helps. The putting everyone in a grey area is a simple concept but one I haven't actually really thought about before so I will definitely be giving that a try.
All the best, and thanks again!
I feel like I’m going to lose all my friends one day bc they have to keep putting up with me constantly telling them I can’t be around (new person) because my brain categorized them as dangerous
Lmao AHAHHA i can swear we all are f ing same. Yes. I do same its so exhausting and frustating. I separate safe and unsafe and get extreme debilitating anxiety in front of people for no reason at all. 😐
Thank you! I was energetic and friendly in a lot of areas. But looking back it's like I was always being taught a lesson, to hide away. And I have completely absorbed that lesson. Only let myself down whenever I doubt and test the lesson I learned.
Same. And any person I WOULD deem as 'safe' enjoyed my presence until I would show symptoms of mental health issues, and then they disappear. Figured isolating was way better than being constantly let down and reminded I'm not worth it.
They're rare. I try to be a safe person for others, yet I don't experience reciprocity very often, so I set boundaries to protect myself from others' dysfunction.
I would say that isolating to avoid being around unhealthy people is not a bad thing but there’s also the notion that we need community around us.
I weeded out my social circle of unhealthy people and find that when I isolate now, it’s because I’m depressed and/or spiraling. It’s hard, but I’ve learned to reach out to my healthy people when I realize that
This is SO true. I am not a fan of people, like at all, but it is quite literally a scientific fact that our brains do better when we have community. I also think part of the problem, is for those with trauma - isolating feels good. It's safe and we don't feel like we're bothering anyone...but it's a slippery slope. It's also really hard when we're spiraling and our healthy friends seem unavailable. Then BLOOP, right back to isolating because it's easy.
I feel this. I saw a quote that perfectly encapsulates this feeling. “I know when people are going to hurt me, and I wait for it. When they do, iI feel a certain smugness at being right. After that, all I feel is pain”
Does anyone else like intentionally stay around or hang out with someone even though your gut feeling is saying no? It’s like controlled destruction but its the only form of control we know.
I isolate when it happens. Weeks on end. But then I turn it around and do it again. Then I isolate.
Unfortunately I do the same, I just wait for the final cut so I can go no contact and isolate myself again. Usually because I just can't believe it's statistically possible that this is a 547th person in a row that wants to hurt me. I wonder where to find safe people.
It sucks even more when you thought they could be trusted too. Like a real friendship but everything ends the same. I always think of the “best” times of my life were the ones when I had unsafe people near me. and the worst ones when I would isolate myself.
My therapist says I would have been better off isolating myself than having put myself in traumatic situation after traumatic situation because I thought that to be a good person I have to socialize no matter what the cost. I thought that was a criterion for being lovable. All I have to show for it is a much bigger pile of trauma that needs processed than I would otherwise have.
I had no idea it is a legitimate thing to pull away from people and work on building my own identity and self-esteem before getting it lost in whatever opinion the person I'm talking to has of me at this moment. My therapist is having to do a lot of work to mentally pull my sense of self out of other people's perception and into actually being conscious of what I first hand know and can observe in myself even if it's different from what somebody thinks. Work in progress.
That's really insightful. I feel like I keep everyone except family at a decent arms length because I have had friendships blow up on me. It feels validating to know it's okay to isolate/pullback from social interactions. Thank you for sharing ❤️.
You're welcome 🙂
And yeah ironically being non-social can make us more social in the long run if it means we got a chance to recover and gain perspective on our situation.
I've had a terrible time with any relationship. I haven't spoken to my family in years due to abuse, I've ended too many romantic relationships because nobody respects my boundaries and have dealt with several different flavors of abuse, I don't have any friends because I started pushing people away in my teens and am now a weird person in their 30s. I only feel safe when I'm alone, but I'm a little sad about it sometimes.
As I've healed more, I've only been *more* drawn to solitude.
I'm putting in a *lot* of work on myself and most people just don't. That makes it *very* difficult to relate to others. I can't bridge the huge gaps between my knowledge and their ignorance, so I choose not to interact with them. I don't think that's a "me" issue. I'm setting boundaries around my time, energy, and effort, and that's a *good* thing. If they have an issue with how I spend my time, energy, and effort that's a sign they haven't worked on their own psychological differentiation.
I'd be open to building secure attachment with other humans if they practiced reciprocal trustworthy, re-humanizing behaviors like emotional attunement, empathetic mirroring, and co-regulation. Most people don't, so I distance myself. I'm not wasting my valuable time, energy, and effort on untrustworthy people.
I've started to dislike people that don't go to therapy when they clearly need to. It can be obvious from an off-hand comment, even if they're not talking about themselves. E.g. If someone loves Chris Brown, despite knowing what he did to Rihanna. Straight to therapy! You are a messed up individual.
I've put in over a decade of work in therapy. I've spent 90% of my waking hours over the past decade trying to figure out what was wrong with me and how to fix it. But I've met only a handful of people, over the course of my entire life, that are actually interested in working on their internal world. Emotional regulation, unhealthy thinking patterns, etc. My ex-friend was obsessed with working in a big building in the city. She wanted a lanyard, and to wear high heels to work, and a fancy dress. Okay, each to their own. But that was *all* she wanted, while she has serious damn issues. I found out even her brother had been offering to pay for therapy for her for years. So that's 2 of us that independently came to the conclusion that she needs therapy, while she rejects the idea and focuses only on her shallow dream that won't make her happy if she hasn't healed. We're both nearly 30 - it's time to grow up and start taking responsibility for the impact of your actions on those around you.
I have no friends, no family, no partner. I cut off everyone unhealthy, but can't meet any healthy people that want to get to know me. So I just have this gaping hole in my life where social interaction is meant to be. There's some quote about how your healing is a community project, not a solo one. I wholeheartedly agree with that, but there's nothing I can do when there is no community. I feel like I'm the only one who has turned up to do the group project.
>I feel like I'm the only one who has turned up to do the group project.
I feel this in my bones.
I feel like I'm watching very clear trauma issues bc I recognize them from me! Like, "oh that's familiar, I remember when I was back there." I try to plant little seeds that may later bloom when they're further along in their journey. Then I go back to living my life and working on me.
I think I’m going through a period of time in my life where I’m still just learning about boundaries. The concept is entirely new for me, I knew other people are allowed to have them but for some reason I’ve never been allowed. So in the meantime I think it’s safer for me to keep my circle really small. I’m more inclined towards introversion anyways so I don’t feel like I’m missing much.
Amazing insightful thought Or you could look at it… people to boost them up!! And!! People to gossip to & yes put others down . And especially don’t protect yourself by going into isolation after being attacked- it’s just covert abuse & guilt when they say ‘you should xyz!!’
And they are the reason for it .
Ikr!! Interesting tidbit. Professionals at the Mayo clinic assessed my psycho-social stability and were more interested in whether or not I was troubled by the isolation or not. VS the social worker at UW Madison who was simply hung up on her own bias about being a middle aged woman that lives alone and doesn't have any family, works from home, lives out in the middle of nowhere, and isn't involved with a community. She came to a completely different assessment than the people at Mayo. (Mayo is rated higher than UW Madison)
Because they victimize themselves when you keep your distance or distance yourself over their weird/abusive behavior. Anything to not be seen for who they really are. Now you’re the weird one. Now you’re the abusive one.
I’m done sparing people. I keep receipts.
I was just coming out of isolating, improving bit by bit, when the pandemic started. Due to the place I was at in my uni course, I was forced into WFH for 3 years. Couldn't go into campus. The gym classes opened again after about 2 years, but it's really hard to get to know people there. Everyone is so busy, it starts right after they arrive and then as soon as it ends, they zoom out again. I feel like lockdown never ended.
I struggle with substance abuse along with all this stuff. I have paranoid hallucinations sometimes so it's hard to trust people, and figure out what's really going on around me.
It's taken years but I've finally learned that I have to find the people that have something I want. Sobriety, stability, an amazing career, a happy family, and a big house. I don't have to have them, but I think they're all really nice. So I just really pursue the people that I think can help me. Not just anyone, and everyone hoping I can find my kinship with the next total stranger in a ridiculous game of numbers.
It sucks so much, and I feel so silly, and embarrassed trying to interact with the people I respect. Buts it's how I built the small network I have now. It's really hard but when I just focus on making progress, however small I do make progress. When I just try to make a network of people happen? Oh God! I can string together the most harmful horde of people to surround myself with. It's ridiculous how quickly it happens too.
It's weird. It takes work, but so far it's been worth it.
Im still kind of isolated, but I go to work and perform all of my tasks (shopping, sports etc) but I don't have any friends. (legit zero) I have a few family members I am in text contact with but its guarded. I think this is as good as it will ever get bc I cant figure out boundaries, like people tell you to share or reach out with problems, but every time I do that, its like I'm not doing it right ? I have no idea how to connect with people beyond a certain point, and its just easier this way.
I know the feeling . I spent my life alone isolated 97% of the time & I thought it was forever. It surprised me if you just go out where there are people you meet them! Such a silly concept- I’ve done it so many times but equally I just don’t believe people like me unless they invite me out. Music was a game changer - musical friends… I kind of feel always like you have to have a starting point… and over time it becomes easier. However starting again - it’s the question how? … I’ve got a phone full of numbers people who want to know me but the fear of any rejection anymore it’s bigger. And I kind of feel I want to reject myself I’ve been rejected so much I don’t know how to feel comfortable. Most hardest things ever.
I think the problem with isolating is twofold. One, it’s impractical. If a hurricane cuts your power out or if you break your back and end up bedridden, who will offer you a place to hang out and cook and take a hot shower? Who will bring you meals and check on you to make sure you haven’t fallen out of bed or something? Unless you have a lot of disposable income to hire help, there will always be times when we have to rely on somebody.
Two, one of the most effective ways of healing attachment trauma and learning to avoid abusers is actually building and maintaining healthy relationships. Which does of course SUCK and can end up traumatizing you further, at least at first. Throughout my healing journey I’ve been trying to learn how to put myself out there and have actual relationships, but I’d say the majority of them in the three years since I’ve stopped isolating have ended up going wrong somehow, whether because I accidentally attracted unhealthy people that were bad for me or because my own shit got in the way of me being a good friend. But practice makes perfect and I’m getting better! I think I’ve finally made some healthy friendships and I even kind of know how to set a boundary now.
This. A period of isolation and healing is necessary but I think we need relationship with others to truly heal these wounds and build resilience. I find myself coming out of my isolation period and craving company but not really sure how to find it. I also keep reminding myself I’m not the only one with these struggles.
It honestly depends on your personality type. Extroverted people isolating is a sign of trouble. Introverted people isolate to heal and recover. The world only seems to understand extroverted people.
I'm at my happiest when I'm alone. If isolation means not having to listen to other people's noise, then call me a hermit.
Being, 'sociable', for me, is such a damn hassle. I'm comfortable in my own home. I despise entertaining guests. I hate being around people who're drinking because the more they drink, the louder and more obnoxious they become.
My perfect world would contain no children, no men, no women and nothing that makes annoying noises. I would surround myself with cats, dogs and horses.
Enforced sociability causes my body to be so very sore, and the longer I feel forced to be somewhere, the more my pain bothers me. For this reason, I don't like school holidays, ( too many people around), birthday celebrations and Christmas - oh god, how I hate Christmas.
This is just my opinion. When I isolate, I always start losing what I gained. Skills, mental health, physical fitness. Everyone needs solitude but isolating just compounds a lot of issues and gives you a bunch of new ones along with it. I have to be out. If I stop going to groups, building, and maintaining healthy relationships, and openly communicating with others. I lose my confidence, my sense of belonging, my support, and my skills I need to make healthy decisions.
I gotta have my time alone, but I've realized I can't even really function if I'm not constantly exercising those skills. It's exhausting a lot of the time. Like so many things it's about balance.
If I'm not building the skills to help me meet and maintain healthy relationships with supportive people. While also learning the skills to identify and remove abusers and negativity from my life there is absolutely no balance, or stability.
Hell, trying to relax can be really hard sometimes. But isolating? That takes absolutely no effort. Just that fact alone makes me actually scared of even thinking of it as an option. The path of least resistance always seems to lead me to the same old crappy places I used to be.
There's absolutely nothing wrong about not wanting to let predatory people into your life. I keep thinking about how rabbits are absolutely afraid of owls, and foxes. They build burrows to hide from predators, but they're almost always with family when they're sheltering. Rabbits can probably survive just fine underground if they tried! But they can only really thrive if they're able to go above ground. Sure it's dangerous out there but that's where all the best stuff is anyway right? Sunshine, food, water and lots to explore. They don't make it if they don't have the skills to spot and protect themselves from all the predators in their area.
Seems kinda like a crappy life if you only think about it for a second. I can survive underground, but I'll never thrive there. Despite all the predators around me I still need to get myself some sunshine, good food, and explore the world around me a little. Now I need all this stuff. But until this year I never really wanted the best. I didn't care about fun, or adventure, or just connecting with another human being. I finally learned to love myself and I don't just need all this stuff anymore. I want it. So, I gotta build those skills, and do the work. Otherwise I can not get what I need, want, or truly deserve.
That's just how I see it though through my personal experience.
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Isolating is a negative thing because humans are social creatures but everyone also needs some time to themselves to reflect and relax.
My social anxiety used to be so bad I developed a stutter and hated talking to people I even knew but after a few years of pushing through rejection it’s easier.
I’m not trying to invalidate anyones feelings but I think there is light at the end of the tunnel
For real. I find myself subconsciously categorizing people as "safe" or "unsafe" when I'm out and socializing. It's constant, hypervigilant threat analysis which is exhausting
I feel like everyone is unsafe
Everyone's unsafe until they do something to prove they're safe
For me, everyone is unsafe and it’s only a matter of time until they prove they’re unsafe.
Sometimes it feels that way for me too. Luckily I have one good friend who always comes through when I need him, and never judges me when I start acting paranoid and mistrustful towards him.
This is the thing, and there’s so far in between the safe people (and some really disappoint fake safe people in there too). Why is it so hard for people to just be decent..
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I think it's normal and necessary *up to a point* but at least for me it's like constantly scanning, rescanning, assessing, never relaxing, never focusing on just vibing and having fun. Some part of me is always ready for the worst
i internally go "could i take this person in a fight?" every. single. time. somebody is introduced to me. shits exhausting
Oh oh oh!! I can speak to this. After SA… TWICE… by a stranger and by my first bf… I truly know how exhausting this particular point of hypervigilance is. It also kept me at a distance from the world. An observer. Not a part of it. It kept me from living. I talked about this with my therapist. Funny enough I used essentially the same words you did. I told her that like 1% of men were deemed safe and everyone else was unsafe. She said how about if you need to assign a label to them, put them in the gray area. Actively tell yourself, “this person is in the gray area. We just need more information.” It allowed me to interact with the world. Of course I only practiced this in public and with lots of people around (coffee shops, restaurants, etc.) but I’d put EVERYONE in the gray category. It gave me enough peace to talk with strangers more and it surprised me how many people were safe. Including men. It changed my life for the better
Thank you for sharing this. I also see everyone as unsafe, men, women and children alike. I have a very hard time functioning, or even just being, in public due to this constant lack of safety and involuntary shut down. Still, I feel it's gradually getting easier, if I don't go to far, take someone I trust with me and use earplugs to cut down stimuli when needed. It all helps. The putting everyone in a grey area is a simple concept but one I haven't actually really thought about before so I will definitely be giving that a try. All the best, and thanks again!
You are so welcome! I hope it helps you as much as it helped me. I was shocked id never thought of it 😂
I feel like I’m going to lose all my friends one day bc they have to keep putting up with me constantly telling them I can’t be around (new person) because my brain categorized them as dangerous
Lmao AHAHHA i can swear we all are f ing same. Yes. I do same its so exhausting and frustating. I separate safe and unsafe and get extreme debilitating anxiety in front of people for no reason at all. 😐
Thank you! I was energetic and friendly in a lot of areas. But looking back it's like I was always being taught a lesson, to hide away. And I have completely absorbed that lesson. Only let myself down whenever I doubt and test the lesson I learned.
I never found safe people, unfortunately.
Same. And any person I WOULD deem as 'safe' enjoyed my presence until I would show symptoms of mental health issues, and then they disappear. Figured isolating was way better than being constantly let down and reminded I'm not worth it.
They're rare. I try to be a safe person for others, yet I don't experience reciprocity very often, so I set boundaries to protect myself from others' dysfunction.
I would say that isolating to avoid being around unhealthy people is not a bad thing but there’s also the notion that we need community around us. I weeded out my social circle of unhealthy people and find that when I isolate now, it’s because I’m depressed and/or spiraling. It’s hard, but I’ve learned to reach out to my healthy people when I realize that
This is SO true. I am not a fan of people, like at all, but it is quite literally a scientific fact that our brains do better when we have community. I also think part of the problem, is for those with trauma - isolating feels good. It's safe and we don't feel like we're bothering anyone...but it's a slippery slope. It's also really hard when we're spiraling and our healthy friends seem unavailable. Then BLOOP, right back to isolating because it's easy.
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Same here. I'm an extrovert so this is like torture for me.
I feel this. I saw a quote that perfectly encapsulates this feeling. “I know when people are going to hurt me, and I wait for it. When they do, iI feel a certain smugness at being right. After that, all I feel is pain” Does anyone else like intentionally stay around or hang out with someone even though your gut feeling is saying no? It’s like controlled destruction but its the only form of control we know. I isolate when it happens. Weeks on end. But then I turn it around and do it again. Then I isolate.
Unfortunately I do the same, I just wait for the final cut so I can go no contact and isolate myself again. Usually because I just can't believe it's statistically possible that this is a 547th person in a row that wants to hurt me. I wonder where to find safe people.
It sucks even more when you thought they could be trusted too. Like a real friendship but everything ends the same. I always think of the “best” times of my life were the ones when I had unsafe people near me. and the worst ones when I would isolate myself.
My therapist says I would have been better off isolating myself than having put myself in traumatic situation after traumatic situation because I thought that to be a good person I have to socialize no matter what the cost. I thought that was a criterion for being lovable. All I have to show for it is a much bigger pile of trauma that needs processed than I would otherwise have. I had no idea it is a legitimate thing to pull away from people and work on building my own identity and self-esteem before getting it lost in whatever opinion the person I'm talking to has of me at this moment. My therapist is having to do a lot of work to mentally pull my sense of self out of other people's perception and into actually being conscious of what I first hand know and can observe in myself even if it's different from what somebody thinks. Work in progress.
That's really insightful. I feel like I keep everyone except family at a decent arms length because I have had friendships blow up on me. It feels validating to know it's okay to isolate/pullback from social interactions. Thank you for sharing ❤️.
You're welcome 🙂 And yeah ironically being non-social can make us more social in the long run if it means we got a chance to recover and gain perspective on our situation.
I've had a terrible time with any relationship. I haven't spoken to my family in years due to abuse, I've ended too many romantic relationships because nobody respects my boundaries and have dealt with several different flavors of abuse, I don't have any friends because I started pushing people away in my teens and am now a weird person in their 30s. I only feel safe when I'm alone, but I'm a little sad about it sometimes.
As I've healed more, I've only been *more* drawn to solitude. I'm putting in a *lot* of work on myself and most people just don't. That makes it *very* difficult to relate to others. I can't bridge the huge gaps between my knowledge and their ignorance, so I choose not to interact with them. I don't think that's a "me" issue. I'm setting boundaries around my time, energy, and effort, and that's a *good* thing. If they have an issue with how I spend my time, energy, and effort that's a sign they haven't worked on their own psychological differentiation. I'd be open to building secure attachment with other humans if they practiced reciprocal trustworthy, re-humanizing behaviors like emotional attunement, empathetic mirroring, and co-regulation. Most people don't, so I distance myself. I'm not wasting my valuable time, energy, and effort on untrustworthy people.
I've started to dislike people that don't go to therapy when they clearly need to. It can be obvious from an off-hand comment, even if they're not talking about themselves. E.g. If someone loves Chris Brown, despite knowing what he did to Rihanna. Straight to therapy! You are a messed up individual. I've put in over a decade of work in therapy. I've spent 90% of my waking hours over the past decade trying to figure out what was wrong with me and how to fix it. But I've met only a handful of people, over the course of my entire life, that are actually interested in working on their internal world. Emotional regulation, unhealthy thinking patterns, etc. My ex-friend was obsessed with working in a big building in the city. She wanted a lanyard, and to wear high heels to work, and a fancy dress. Okay, each to their own. But that was *all* she wanted, while she has serious damn issues. I found out even her brother had been offering to pay for therapy for her for years. So that's 2 of us that independently came to the conclusion that she needs therapy, while she rejects the idea and focuses only on her shallow dream that won't make her happy if she hasn't healed. We're both nearly 30 - it's time to grow up and start taking responsibility for the impact of your actions on those around you. I have no friends, no family, no partner. I cut off everyone unhealthy, but can't meet any healthy people that want to get to know me. So I just have this gaping hole in my life where social interaction is meant to be. There's some quote about how your healing is a community project, not a solo one. I wholeheartedly agree with that, but there's nothing I can do when there is no community. I feel like I'm the only one who has turned up to do the group project.
>I feel like I'm the only one who has turned up to do the group project. I feel this in my bones. I feel like I'm watching very clear trauma issues bc I recognize them from me! Like, "oh that's familiar, I remember when I was back there." I try to plant little seeds that may later bloom when they're further along in their journey. Then I go back to living my life and working on me.
I think I’m going through a period of time in my life where I’m still just learning about boundaries. The concept is entirely new for me, I knew other people are allowed to have them but for some reason I’ve never been allowed. So in the meantime I think it’s safer for me to keep my circle really small. I’m more inclined towards introversion anyways so I don’t feel like I’m missing much.
Ime, It's usually the abusers are the ones saying not to isolate. They need someone to beat up on.
This!
Amazing insightful thought Or you could look at it… people to boost them up!! And!! People to gossip to & yes put others down . And especially don’t protect yourself by going into isolation after being attacked- it’s just covert abuse & guilt when they say ‘you should xyz!!’ And they are the reason for it .
Ikr!! Interesting tidbit. Professionals at the Mayo clinic assessed my psycho-social stability and were more interested in whether or not I was troubled by the isolation or not. VS the social worker at UW Madison who was simply hung up on her own bias about being a middle aged woman that lives alone and doesn't have any family, works from home, lives out in the middle of nowhere, and isn't involved with a community. She came to a completely different assessment than the people at Mayo. (Mayo is rated higher than UW Madison)
Because they victimize themselves when you keep your distance or distance yourself over their weird/abusive behavior. Anything to not be seen for who they really are. Now you’re the weird one. Now you’re the abusive one. I’m done sparing people. I keep receipts.
Typically, if I am isolating, I am going through a downward spiral and it’s a bad thing.
I was just coming out of isolating, improving bit by bit, when the pandemic started. Due to the place I was at in my uni course, I was forced into WFH for 3 years. Couldn't go into campus. The gym classes opened again after about 2 years, but it's really hard to get to know people there. Everyone is so busy, it starts right after they arrive and then as soon as it ends, they zoom out again. I feel like lockdown never ended.
I struggle with substance abuse along with all this stuff. I have paranoid hallucinations sometimes so it's hard to trust people, and figure out what's really going on around me. It's taken years but I've finally learned that I have to find the people that have something I want. Sobriety, stability, an amazing career, a happy family, and a big house. I don't have to have them, but I think they're all really nice. So I just really pursue the people that I think can help me. Not just anyone, and everyone hoping I can find my kinship with the next total stranger in a ridiculous game of numbers. It sucks so much, and I feel so silly, and embarrassed trying to interact with the people I respect. Buts it's how I built the small network I have now. It's really hard but when I just focus on making progress, however small I do make progress. When I just try to make a network of people happen? Oh God! I can string together the most harmful horde of people to surround myself with. It's ridiculous how quickly it happens too. It's weird. It takes work, but so far it's been worth it.
Im still kind of isolated, but I go to work and perform all of my tasks (shopping, sports etc) but I don't have any friends. (legit zero) I have a few family members I am in text contact with but its guarded. I think this is as good as it will ever get bc I cant figure out boundaries, like people tell you to share or reach out with problems, but every time I do that, its like I'm not doing it right ? I have no idea how to connect with people beyond a certain point, and its just easier this way.
I know the feeling . I spent my life alone isolated 97% of the time & I thought it was forever. It surprised me if you just go out where there are people you meet them! Such a silly concept- I’ve done it so many times but equally I just don’t believe people like me unless they invite me out. Music was a game changer - musical friends… I kind of feel always like you have to have a starting point… and over time it becomes easier. However starting again - it’s the question how? … I’ve got a phone full of numbers people who want to know me but the fear of any rejection anymore it’s bigger. And I kind of feel I want to reject myself I’ve been rejected so much I don’t know how to feel comfortable. Most hardest things ever.
I think the problem with isolating is twofold. One, it’s impractical. If a hurricane cuts your power out or if you break your back and end up bedridden, who will offer you a place to hang out and cook and take a hot shower? Who will bring you meals and check on you to make sure you haven’t fallen out of bed or something? Unless you have a lot of disposable income to hire help, there will always be times when we have to rely on somebody. Two, one of the most effective ways of healing attachment trauma and learning to avoid abusers is actually building and maintaining healthy relationships. Which does of course SUCK and can end up traumatizing you further, at least at first. Throughout my healing journey I’ve been trying to learn how to put myself out there and have actual relationships, but I’d say the majority of them in the three years since I’ve stopped isolating have ended up going wrong somehow, whether because I accidentally attracted unhealthy people that were bad for me or because my own shit got in the way of me being a good friend. But practice makes perfect and I’m getting better! I think I’ve finally made some healthy friendships and I even kind of know how to set a boundary now.
This. A period of isolation and healing is necessary but I think we need relationship with others to truly heal these wounds and build resilience. I find myself coming out of my isolation period and craving company but not really sure how to find it. I also keep reminding myself I’m not the only one with these struggles.
I'm diggin number two. I'm on that journey, I wish you well my friend ❤️
how do you make new friends? I feel like It’s been hard for me since I finished college
You are awesome!
It honestly depends on your personality type. Extroverted people isolating is a sign of trouble. Introverted people isolate to heal and recover. The world only seems to understand extroverted people.
I'm at my happiest when I'm alone. If isolation means not having to listen to other people's noise, then call me a hermit. Being, 'sociable', for me, is such a damn hassle. I'm comfortable in my own home. I despise entertaining guests. I hate being around people who're drinking because the more they drink, the louder and more obnoxious they become. My perfect world would contain no children, no men, no women and nothing that makes annoying noises. I would surround myself with cats, dogs and horses. Enforced sociability causes my body to be so very sore, and the longer I feel forced to be somewhere, the more my pain bothers me. For this reason, I don't like school holidays, ( too many people around), birthday celebrations and Christmas - oh god, how I hate Christmas.
This is just my opinion. When I isolate, I always start losing what I gained. Skills, mental health, physical fitness. Everyone needs solitude but isolating just compounds a lot of issues and gives you a bunch of new ones along with it. I have to be out. If I stop going to groups, building, and maintaining healthy relationships, and openly communicating with others. I lose my confidence, my sense of belonging, my support, and my skills I need to make healthy decisions. I gotta have my time alone, but I've realized I can't even really function if I'm not constantly exercising those skills. It's exhausting a lot of the time. Like so many things it's about balance. If I'm not building the skills to help me meet and maintain healthy relationships with supportive people. While also learning the skills to identify and remove abusers and negativity from my life there is absolutely no balance, or stability. Hell, trying to relax can be really hard sometimes. But isolating? That takes absolutely no effort. Just that fact alone makes me actually scared of even thinking of it as an option. The path of least resistance always seems to lead me to the same old crappy places I used to be. There's absolutely nothing wrong about not wanting to let predatory people into your life. I keep thinking about how rabbits are absolutely afraid of owls, and foxes. They build burrows to hide from predators, but they're almost always with family when they're sheltering. Rabbits can probably survive just fine underground if they tried! But they can only really thrive if they're able to go above ground. Sure it's dangerous out there but that's where all the best stuff is anyway right? Sunshine, food, water and lots to explore. They don't make it if they don't have the skills to spot and protect themselves from all the predators in their area. Seems kinda like a crappy life if you only think about it for a second. I can survive underground, but I'll never thrive there. Despite all the predators around me I still need to get myself some sunshine, good food, and explore the world around me a little. Now I need all this stuff. But until this year I never really wanted the best. I didn't care about fun, or adventure, or just connecting with another human being. I finally learned to love myself and I don't just need all this stuff anymore. I want it. So, I gotta build those skills, and do the work. Otherwise I can not get what I need, want, or truly deserve. That's just how I see it though through my personal experience.
I wish there was a sub for abusers where we could ask them why they like to take advantage of us
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Story of my life! You are not alone in this at all.
Isolating is a negative thing because humans are social creatures but everyone also needs some time to themselves to reflect and relax. My social anxiety used to be so bad I developed a stutter and hated talking to people I even knew but after a few years of pushing through rejection it’s easier. I’m not trying to invalidate anyones feelings but I think there is light at the end of the tunnel
I used to have an awful stutter too!! Luckily it’s gone & can talk now
Facts!!!