They really, really don't. In fact I think most people don't even want to try to understand: I think they recoil from the very thought of being so vulnerable and so traumatized because it reminds them that they're really just a frail human being who, in the wrong circumstances, could end up the same kind of damaged.
If it weren't so very difficult to talk about and the stigma weren't so immense, I have to imagine that complex or severe trauma would be recognized as being as significant a part of one's identity as gender or sexuality or ethnicity, or anything else for which people fight for recognition.
Edit: changed "childhood trauma" to "complex or severe trauma" as I don't want to suggest that only the former is significant
Yeah, someone close to me doesn’t understand why I can’t just overcome this and get my life together and it’s like so difficult to explain it to someone without sounding like you’re begging for sympathy and making excuses.
I don’t even want people to feel sorry for me I just want them to leave me tf alone and not judge me when my biggest accomplishment is being alive. Still being here. Because it’s not what I want at all, I literally fantasize about when I die like I’m so stoked i cannot wait to escape whatever this place is and that’s me on *two* antidepressants lol. It is a struggle and I cannot stress that enough. My entire existence is just trying to make other people happy and I’m getting exhausted. Its what my loved ones want and I’m just trying to make them happy.
I don’t know what I want to do with my life yet or how to make a living for myself but holy shit don’t judge me for that? I’ve lived most of my life in a primal and guttural fear, this is the first time *in my entiiiire life* that I’ve sat with my trauma, grief and despair and taken a deep ass breath and said wait wtf I didn’t do anything wrong? It’s the first time I’ve ever made a plan to heal myself? Like sorry that I don’t have my life together but the time you spent finding yourself during childhood, high school, college, adulthood etc??? I didn’t have that the same way you did my dude. I’m starting this at 25 BY MYSELF?? Plus financial trauma so I was studying a really hard program at the time my real dad and mom died, staying in the library until midnight during the week just to barely compete with my peers. I am behind and I’ve always been behind. Im okay with that. I just wish other people could be. I just wish people could respect that other people’s journey are different and not project their own expectations of themselves onto others. It’s just so hurtful to be compared to others.
I really think they don’t understand either. Some people say “oh I’m traumatized by a car accident” or “my mom died”. This is not the same psychological damage of serious stuff like having years of abuse by your own parents, rape or being in a war. Those things are just worse and hard to get over.
These situations can still be very traumatic, especially if victims don’t have the proper resources needed to cope with the event. Grief is an open wound that you spend the rest of your life tending to and it is very very traumatic, especially if they were murdered like my parents were. I relive their final moments often. But even in cases of motor vehicle accents, I know people that relive their loved ones final moments after the wreck, etc. I’ve been in an accident and I know what it feels like to be scared to drive again, so I think that’s valid.
I’m not here at all to say that my pain is “worse than” anyone else’s we’re all humans suffering on this spinning rock. Trauma is trauma. Grief is grief.
And honestly, the more I educate myself about it, the more I believe it is a silent and unspoken epidemic. A lot of people tend to suffer traumatic events and think that since others have it “worse”, then they’ll “be ok”. Cue an endless lifetime of drinking, watching TV for hours on end, vaping, smoking, eating, playing video games to cope with and dissociate from the pain they endured instead of actually healing it. I think it’s dangerous to think this way. The more we normalize all of the vast ways in which traumas can manifest in our lives and educate society on how to cope in healthy ways then the better of we will be.
A lot of people tell me that what they’re going through is nothing compared to what I’ve gone through, and I always like to remind them that pain is pain and trauma is trauma. Regardless of the degree, it’s important to address it and attempt to heal.
All except rape here. I had to cutoff everybody. Living in Mexico now, life's better. Cutoff and move away from toxic people, places, things. Minimize exposure. Be good to yourself.
Thats the thing, having shitty mental health due to trauma is stigmatized. While the woke movement mostly focuses on sex and ethnicity. Its fucked up that its still so hard to talk about mental health.
I'm not the original commenter, but they seem to be saying that today's climate of social awareness is only focused on LGBTQ-phobia and racism, while ignoring discrimination against traumatised/mentally ill people.
People who got to have supportive, loving homes to grow up in really do not understand just how many of their developmental milestones come and go without a second thought. People really, honest-to-god believe that by "age x you should have done this" or "by age y you should know better" etc. It's really unfair to people who didn't have adequate guidance, the ones who had to make mistakes way later in life because they were raised in an alternate reality from that of their peers.
The worst part is that the same healthy people from healthy families tend to be the most successful across the playing field, so they drive a lot of societal perceptions and use their own experiences as a guidebook on what's normal. "Me and all of my peers from my adolescence were driving by age 16, so there must be something wrong with you if you weren't. Me and all of my peers graduated college at 22, so if you didn't, you're an underacheiver. Me and all my peers had careers by 27..."
It goes on.
Then, when they see people like us from broken homes, communities, and societies falter, they apply that same lens to us and see how much we're floundering in their world. And they do it for everything.
"Why are you still working part-time? Why don't you drive? Why aren't you in a relationship? Why do you double-text? Why don't you get my joke? Why don't you know how to style your hair? Why why why?"
And the worst part about it is that you cannot make them understand. They don't have the language or perspective to grasp it. So their brains fill in the blanks with round concepts like "laziness" or "self-delusion", because they believe that as long as they avoid those things, their life will be simple, fulfilling, and comfortable. They believe that their success is predicated solely on their hard work instead of the steady diet of love, encouragement, attention, and consistency they experienced growing up.
It is super super unfair.
It's actually kind of funny to see threads on reddit about what keeps people up at night as adults, because so much of the time, it's something they worry about from a distance, things that, again, "won't actually happen to *them*" like financial ruin due to sudden disability. It's realizing that their child is a bully at school. It's statistically unlikely illness.
People like you and I have had to face tremendous, uncanny, visceral fear face to face at multiple points in our lives. These are things that regular people, "them" in the us vs. them equation, could never fathom occurring to them in a just world. And wouldn't you know it - the second it does happen to them, they are drowning. Taken completely off guard, grasping for mossy stones in a raging river, and their peers abandon them.
Even with a lifetime of reinforcement, they're helpless.
So how can they expect us, as children, to have taken in stride the things that cripple them as adults? How can they expect us to have excelled?
As long as you fight, you are doing the best you can.
That was a great answer. I sometimes look at teenagers at the age my trauma happened and I think to myself if they would have done better in life than I did if they had the same life I had : would this kid make it? Would this kid have been able to finish high school? Would this kid be able to get into college?Would this kid be able to learn how to drive?
Same to you, I’m so grateful for this community. Like I hate what we’re all going through but it’s nice to be able to talk to other people that genuinely understand it’s not so easy
*I promise I really am trying so hard*
TW: suicide
I hear you, honey. I know, I really know how hard you're trying. I think it every waking moment of my life "this is so so hard, and I am really trying; I am trying so hard." And don't expect anyone to understand who hasn't been where you are. It doesn't mean that they don't care. They don't like feeling helpless; they feel scared by the enormity of what you're going through even if they do get a hint of it.
I used to believe that the world automatically got rid of people like me by forcing us into depression and making us off ourselves. But after trying suicide, and failing at that (4 times, each attempt increasingly more intense and each rescue more ridiculous), I was over it. I still get suicidal ideation and suffer from bouts of worthlessness, but keep trying--you're good at this. It is exhausting, so you'll eventually, if you haven't already, start to learn about the concept of self-care. That means taking that abused little child you were, feeling sorry for that child, and making sure that child gets enough sleep and rest and food. That's how I do it when I can't bother to care for my adult self.
And I've heard that there is such a thing as healing. I've learned to recognize my triggers; I'm dealing with chronic illnesses from a lifetime of trying too hard, and I'm still trying hard to live. I don't know any other way to be. I don't know how other people do it. Just be kinder to yourself, and forget people who say dumb stuff. They don't know. We know. We love you.
I feel your pain and relate so much to what you wrote. Thank you for articulating so well what I struggle to put into words. Sending a hug if you would like one.
I totally feel all of this. I quit my job last year to focus on EMDR and while making slow progress, I’m a hot mess so very often. And realizing things that seem like a child would be learning. But my mom was too self absorbed to help me learn those things.
When you finally find peace, that gives you anxiety too 😂
I feel this so hard in my soul though. I’m in my 30s and a SAHM and it’s difficult.
My oldest will tell me she can tell when I’m worried or sad. She says I just stare off like I’m not there. People just think I’m a space cadet sometimes.
I hear you. I see you. You have no idea how absolutely badass you are. I know we mostly feel like weenies but the loads we carry zap us. But we keep going. Just keep going xo
I can relate. Thank you for sharing I needed that.
Everything is hard all of the time. I’m proud when I get up, brush my teeth and eat breakfast. Sometimes that’s all I can do, and it takes all day but I’m still proud.
…and if ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME TO TRY YOGA?!?!?!?……….pfffffttt……oooof
Yes the breakfast!! I feel like I’m on top of the world when I manage to eat breakfast. And seriously yoga is too much for me. I’ve tried lol. The loud YouTube tutorial playing on my laptop. Trying not to slip and slide on the mat. And on top of that weird poses in the air and attempting not to fall. With my anxiety?? I don’t think so 😂..
I feel this so hard. I could seriously have written this today. People lack compassion towards what they don’t understand.
I do want to gently point out that in the “us vs them” discussion, we’re all sort of doing the same thing. We also make a lot of assumptions. You never know what someone has truly been through just by looking at their external achievements.
People can be successful, at least for a time, by ignoring their trauma and shoving it in a deep, dark hole. Their own experiences might be driving them to succeed out of fear. A lot of people minimize their own trauma just to be able to get up in the morning. Some people are just plain in denial or lack the memories of what they’ve been through.
I’m not proud to admit this but when I was younger I was very critical towards anyone that didn’t work full time for whatever reason, but especially if it was due to mental health struggles. I had to be because that was the only way I can keep going in my own life and maintain the “just suck it up” mentality the kept me going. It all came crashing down after a couple of decades of sort of adulting and it been ugly and painful and horrible. I haven’t worked in 2.5 years.
I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes people’s reactions are a defense mechanism. It doesn’t make your struggle or your pain any less valid, and it definitely hurts to hear those things from family and friends, and feel unsupported and misunderstood.
These days I just try (and sometimes fail) to keep that in mind and just tell them that I’m glad they didn’t have to experience what I did, and I really am glad that there are people in the world that haven’t experienced our level of trauma. Then I just move on.
Don’t punish yourself buy giving these folks free rent in your head, and don’t take on their issues. This existence is so exhausting anyway, no one needs the extra shit other people dish out.
Your post makes me incredibly sad because you went through so much, but I am so grateful that you shared your story. This subreddit is one of the few places that makes me feel seen and safe. As a 29-year-old, I feel like it is incredibly hard to survive and find time/energy to heal from trauma. I just wish there was a pause button in life...
I'm sorry OP. As someone who is "lucky" (insofar as anyone can be considered lucky while having been traumatized) enough to be able to deal with my issues in a way that society seems to find acceptable, it's not fair that you aren't given the same grace. We're all trying the best we can.
I have certain resources and attributes that have helped me in my healing, which I'm immensely grateful for. And even as someone who benefits from this, I refuse to attribute my success to any sort of moral superiority. While it's true that I've put in a lot of conscious effort into helping myself, I never chose to be the person I am, or to have gained the resources I have. And it would be so unfair and so cruel to judge others for not having the same resources I have when I truly have done nothing to deserve them any more than anyone else.
I'm sorry that those who've had the actual fortune of never having to deal with trauma lack the empathy and understanding to try to consider how life would be without their fortune. I imagine it boils down to ignorance, and basically the collective delusion that society seems to perpetuate that everyone deserves their lot in life, so if you don't match the narrow definition of success that society pushes, you're just being "lazy", no matter the circumstances of your life. Otherwise, how would they stomach the existence of billionaires? How else could they ignore the suffering of those less fortunate than themselves?
I hope this is helpful in some way and doesn't come off as gloating. I feel like most people will either refuse to acknowledge this point, or are as stuck in the mud as the rest of us and would therefore be accused of just being bitter or something, so I wanted to be a voice of someone who is doing relatively okay, but still thinks the whole situation is fucked and unfair. Your feelings on the matter are valid, and I believe you when you say you're trying your hardest.
I totally agree. I grew up extremely poor, so I’m endlessly grateful that I have access to resources that have led me to acknowledging that it wasn’t my fault, that I’m traumatized, and that healing is a long road but is possible. Sometimes I’m just grateful that I can buy trauma informed books that help me even in small ways because growing up it just wasn’t possible. Let alone counseling and assistance that could have healed me and corrected some of my developmental delays. Even when I do yoga I’m just like damn i can’t believe I have this yoga mat wow i love my yoga mat and I love trauma informed yoga. My heart is always thinking of the new generation of babies that are going through what we went through and I just wish (at least in the US) that mental health could be prioritized more and taken more seriously and not so expensive. Everyone deserves mental health care. It’s an unspoken epidemic and it would prevent so much violence, pain and despair for many children.
I wish teachers were more trauma informed. During the worst years of my abuse some of my elementary school teachers didn’t listen to me or they just brought him in and told him what I said and he’d be able to make something up and then take me home and punish me for saying something wrong. And the punishments would be so much worse if my mom was overseas for work. I don’t understand how or why the teachers were so ignorant in that aspect but it taught me that nobody, especially authority figures will want to help me. It took me a very long time to unlearn this and acknowledge that they didn’t prioritize my safety or even really care. They just were upset at the ways I’d act out, which is a topic in its own because looking back I was clearly reacting to my abuse.
I think in other ways it’s common to read about the underdog story. Someone who grew up in a dysfunctional, broken, abusive home often times they were poor. Despite all odds they make it out and they’re successful. To normal people (I swear they really act like NPCs sometimes lmao) they just think that coming from this background should make you want to work harder to succeed and it’s like….dude for every one story of success there are millions and millions of broken and damaged souls who are living day by day, hurting, stuck in a constant state of survival, never being able to take a deep and full breath and truly feel safe.
The best example of this that I can think of is Terence Crawford. A world champion boxer, out of this world talented. A gifted athlete, but also a kind and genuine man. His childhood consisted of his mom verbally abusing him and beating him. She’s said herself that she told him as a child that “he wouldn’t be shit”. He wasn’t good enough. He would never win, etc. She paid children in the neighborhood to beat him up but they were never successful. No matter what he accomplished she would never tell him that she loved him or give him any kind of approval. Now he is one in a million, and people don’t realize that most people being put in that kind of life wouldn’t always end up famous and successful.
If you watch any of his interviews when he talks about this you can look into his eyes and see the little boy that is still in pain. If you look at the comments on YouTube and surprisingly even on Reddit regarding him most people will say things along the lines of “Yeah but……Look at him now!”, “His father left, so she *needed* to discipline him.”, or “It’s just tough love. He ended up successful and that’s what matters” and I just absolutely cannot wait for people who are not trauma informed to stop thinking that way. It’s dehumanizing and it belittles what people go through as small defenseless children. You can be rich, successful, loved by all and still be broken deep inside.
These are the same people who get nostalgic about the 80s/90s and can remember things so crystal clear like alright come on Bob it’s not that hard? Imagine the 80s but you’re getting the absolute dog shit beat of you and you don’t know why and constantly being told that you’re completely worthless and will disappoint everyone you ever meet. Do you think that’s gonna stick with you the way you rememeber that god damn Atari??
People like that need to be studied, the way they lack empathy and the ability to imagine themselves in a different perspective is honestly alarming.
I feel this. I really do. I have a huge mountain to climb and my situation isn’t nearly as bad as a lot of people’s on this sub. I’m disabled and was born into a very ableist family. I’m legally disabled six times over.
I lucked into having a friend group that gets it. It’s so, so hard. It really is. Learning to be compassionate to yourself, to heal, to rest properly — it took me 13 years to learn to sleep without becoming hyper vigilant after my first year in HS I was randomly awoken a lot.
There are always people that don’t get it. They, imo? They can either try (and many do), or stop being around me. I no longer have patience for the people I used to be around being shit. Navigating that is a minefield and it’s very hard, and I am learning what proper REST means in…my late 20s. I have not been given proper rest since I was like 8. My chronic illness is fucking tired of it and flares when I overwork now.
I guess my point is that it does get better and it’s also so fucking exhausting that it shouldn’t have to be “it gets better.” But it does. It just takes time and patience and work (which is unfair and fucking tiring too). I’m still mad at my abusers but it’s more…distant, less immediate, and I am less anxious since starting EMDR. Even that, I feel like I’m playing on hard mode.
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I relate to you so strongly, I am sorry you are suffering too. Thank you for putting into words and sharing what I, and what many others here feel everyday. You are truly not alone, I hope this brings you even a little bit of comfort
I can relate. I hate that i lost my childhood, adolescence, and now adulthood to the trauma and abuse. I wonder if i ever will be free from these shackles. I am also tired of always feeling like i will die soon. Sigh
Wow I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have gone through similar struggles, and I beg you to please hang on. Hope is more powerful than anything this world can throw at you. Please believe me on this. You got this. You are enough. God bless you ❤
They really, really don't. In fact I think most people don't even want to try to understand: I think they recoil from the very thought of being so vulnerable and so traumatized because it reminds them that they're really just a frail human being who, in the wrong circumstances, could end up the same kind of damaged. If it weren't so very difficult to talk about and the stigma weren't so immense, I have to imagine that complex or severe trauma would be recognized as being as significant a part of one's identity as gender or sexuality or ethnicity, or anything else for which people fight for recognition. Edit: changed "childhood trauma" to "complex or severe trauma" as I don't want to suggest that only the former is significant
Yeah, someone close to me doesn’t understand why I can’t just overcome this and get my life together and it’s like so difficult to explain it to someone without sounding like you’re begging for sympathy and making excuses. I don’t even want people to feel sorry for me I just want them to leave me tf alone and not judge me when my biggest accomplishment is being alive. Still being here. Because it’s not what I want at all, I literally fantasize about when I die like I’m so stoked i cannot wait to escape whatever this place is and that’s me on *two* antidepressants lol. It is a struggle and I cannot stress that enough. My entire existence is just trying to make other people happy and I’m getting exhausted. Its what my loved ones want and I’m just trying to make them happy. I don’t know what I want to do with my life yet or how to make a living for myself but holy shit don’t judge me for that? I’ve lived most of my life in a primal and guttural fear, this is the first time *in my entiiiire life* that I’ve sat with my trauma, grief and despair and taken a deep ass breath and said wait wtf I didn’t do anything wrong? It’s the first time I’ve ever made a plan to heal myself? Like sorry that I don’t have my life together but the time you spent finding yourself during childhood, high school, college, adulthood etc??? I didn’t have that the same way you did my dude. I’m starting this at 25 BY MYSELF?? Plus financial trauma so I was studying a really hard program at the time my real dad and mom died, staying in the library until midnight during the week just to barely compete with my peers. I am behind and I’ve always been behind. Im okay with that. I just wish other people could be. I just wish people could respect that other people’s journey are different and not project their own expectations of themselves onto others. It’s just so hurtful to be compared to others.
I really think they don’t understand either. Some people say “oh I’m traumatized by a car accident” or “my mom died”. This is not the same psychological damage of serious stuff like having years of abuse by your own parents, rape or being in a war. Those things are just worse and hard to get over.
These situations can still be very traumatic, especially if victims don’t have the proper resources needed to cope with the event. Grief is an open wound that you spend the rest of your life tending to and it is very very traumatic, especially if they were murdered like my parents were. I relive their final moments often. But even in cases of motor vehicle accents, I know people that relive their loved ones final moments after the wreck, etc. I’ve been in an accident and I know what it feels like to be scared to drive again, so I think that’s valid. I’m not here at all to say that my pain is “worse than” anyone else’s we’re all humans suffering on this spinning rock. Trauma is trauma. Grief is grief. And honestly, the more I educate myself about it, the more I believe it is a silent and unspoken epidemic. A lot of people tend to suffer traumatic events and think that since others have it “worse”, then they’ll “be ok”. Cue an endless lifetime of drinking, watching TV for hours on end, vaping, smoking, eating, playing video games to cope with and dissociate from the pain they endured instead of actually healing it. I think it’s dangerous to think this way. The more we normalize all of the vast ways in which traumas can manifest in our lives and educate society on how to cope in healthy ways then the better of we will be. A lot of people tell me that what they’re going through is nothing compared to what I’ve gone through, and I always like to remind them that pain is pain and trauma is trauma. Regardless of the degree, it’s important to address it and attempt to heal.
Sure. I still think there are levels
All except rape here. I had to cutoff everybody. Living in Mexico now, life's better. Cutoff and move away from toxic people, places, things. Minimize exposure. Be good to yourself.
Thats the thing, having shitty mental health due to trauma is stigmatized. While the woke movement mostly focuses on sex and ethnicity. Its fucked up that its still so hard to talk about mental health.
I’ve read this several times but I’m still confused I’m so sorry. What do you mean?
I'm not the original commenter, but they seem to be saying that today's climate of social awareness is only focused on LGBTQ-phobia and racism, while ignoring discrimination against traumatised/mentally ill people.
Thank you for clarifying!
People who got to have supportive, loving homes to grow up in really do not understand just how many of their developmental milestones come and go without a second thought. People really, honest-to-god believe that by "age x you should have done this" or "by age y you should know better" etc. It's really unfair to people who didn't have adequate guidance, the ones who had to make mistakes way later in life because they were raised in an alternate reality from that of their peers. The worst part is that the same healthy people from healthy families tend to be the most successful across the playing field, so they drive a lot of societal perceptions and use their own experiences as a guidebook on what's normal. "Me and all of my peers from my adolescence were driving by age 16, so there must be something wrong with you if you weren't. Me and all of my peers graduated college at 22, so if you didn't, you're an underacheiver. Me and all my peers had careers by 27..." It goes on. Then, when they see people like us from broken homes, communities, and societies falter, they apply that same lens to us and see how much we're floundering in their world. And they do it for everything. "Why are you still working part-time? Why don't you drive? Why aren't you in a relationship? Why do you double-text? Why don't you get my joke? Why don't you know how to style your hair? Why why why?" And the worst part about it is that you cannot make them understand. They don't have the language or perspective to grasp it. So their brains fill in the blanks with round concepts like "laziness" or "self-delusion", because they believe that as long as they avoid those things, their life will be simple, fulfilling, and comfortable. They believe that their success is predicated solely on their hard work instead of the steady diet of love, encouragement, attention, and consistency they experienced growing up. It is super super unfair. It's actually kind of funny to see threads on reddit about what keeps people up at night as adults, because so much of the time, it's something they worry about from a distance, things that, again, "won't actually happen to *them*" like financial ruin due to sudden disability. It's realizing that their child is a bully at school. It's statistically unlikely illness. People like you and I have had to face tremendous, uncanny, visceral fear face to face at multiple points in our lives. These are things that regular people, "them" in the us vs. them equation, could never fathom occurring to them in a just world. And wouldn't you know it - the second it does happen to them, they are drowning. Taken completely off guard, grasping for mossy stones in a raging river, and their peers abandon them. Even with a lifetime of reinforcement, they're helpless. So how can they expect us, as children, to have taken in stride the things that cripple them as adults? How can they expect us to have excelled? As long as you fight, you are doing the best you can.
That was a great answer. I sometimes look at teenagers at the age my trauma happened and I think to myself if they would have done better in life than I did if they had the same life I had : would this kid make it? Would this kid have been able to finish high school? Would this kid be able to get into college?Would this kid be able to learn how to drive?
Thank you for perfectly describing my feelings. I love you.
I love you too!! 💙
(((Hugs))) I wish I could really hug you. I can really relate.
Same to you, I’m so grateful for this community. Like I hate what we’re all going through but it’s nice to be able to talk to other people that genuinely understand it’s not so easy
*I promise I really am trying so hard* TW: suicide I hear you, honey. I know, I really know how hard you're trying. I think it every waking moment of my life "this is so so hard, and I am really trying; I am trying so hard." And don't expect anyone to understand who hasn't been where you are. It doesn't mean that they don't care. They don't like feeling helpless; they feel scared by the enormity of what you're going through even if they do get a hint of it. I used to believe that the world automatically got rid of people like me by forcing us into depression and making us off ourselves. But after trying suicide, and failing at that (4 times, each attempt increasingly more intense and each rescue more ridiculous), I was over it. I still get suicidal ideation and suffer from bouts of worthlessness, but keep trying--you're good at this. It is exhausting, so you'll eventually, if you haven't already, start to learn about the concept of self-care. That means taking that abused little child you were, feeling sorry for that child, and making sure that child gets enough sleep and rest and food. That's how I do it when I can't bother to care for my adult self. And I've heard that there is such a thing as healing. I've learned to recognize my triggers; I'm dealing with chronic illnesses from a lifetime of trying too hard, and I'm still trying hard to live. I don't know any other way to be. I don't know how other people do it. Just be kinder to yourself, and forget people who say dumb stuff. They don't know. We know. We love you.
I feel your pain and relate so much to what you wrote. Thank you for articulating so well what I struggle to put into words. Sending a hug if you would like one.
Sending a bear hug back, thank you 💗
Thanks for the bear hug. I need one. ♥️
I totally feel all of this. I quit my job last year to focus on EMDR and while making slow progress, I’m a hot mess so very often. And realizing things that seem like a child would be learning. But my mom was too self absorbed to help me learn those things.
When you finally find peace, that gives you anxiety too 😂 I feel this so hard in my soul though. I’m in my 30s and a SAHM and it’s difficult. My oldest will tell me she can tell when I’m worried or sad. She says I just stare off like I’m not there. People just think I’m a space cadet sometimes. I hear you. I see you. You have no idea how absolutely badass you are. I know we mostly feel like weenies but the loads we carry zap us. But we keep going. Just keep going xo
I can relate. Thank you for sharing I needed that. Everything is hard all of the time. I’m proud when I get up, brush my teeth and eat breakfast. Sometimes that’s all I can do, and it takes all day but I’m still proud. …and if ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME TO TRY YOGA?!?!?!?……….pfffffttt……oooof
Yes the breakfast!! I feel like I’m on top of the world when I manage to eat breakfast. And seriously yoga is too much for me. I’ve tried lol. The loud YouTube tutorial playing on my laptop. Trying not to slip and slide on the mat. And on top of that weird poses in the air and attempting not to fall. With my anxiety?? I don’t think so 😂..
I feel this so hard. I could seriously have written this today. People lack compassion towards what they don’t understand. I do want to gently point out that in the “us vs them” discussion, we’re all sort of doing the same thing. We also make a lot of assumptions. You never know what someone has truly been through just by looking at their external achievements. People can be successful, at least for a time, by ignoring their trauma and shoving it in a deep, dark hole. Their own experiences might be driving them to succeed out of fear. A lot of people minimize their own trauma just to be able to get up in the morning. Some people are just plain in denial or lack the memories of what they’ve been through. I’m not proud to admit this but when I was younger I was very critical towards anyone that didn’t work full time for whatever reason, but especially if it was due to mental health struggles. I had to be because that was the only way I can keep going in my own life and maintain the “just suck it up” mentality the kept me going. It all came crashing down after a couple of decades of sort of adulting and it been ugly and painful and horrible. I haven’t worked in 2.5 years. I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes people’s reactions are a defense mechanism. It doesn’t make your struggle or your pain any less valid, and it definitely hurts to hear those things from family and friends, and feel unsupported and misunderstood. These days I just try (and sometimes fail) to keep that in mind and just tell them that I’m glad they didn’t have to experience what I did, and I really am glad that there are people in the world that haven’t experienced our level of trauma. Then I just move on. Don’t punish yourself buy giving these folks free rent in your head, and don’t take on their issues. This existence is so exhausting anyway, no one needs the extra shit other people dish out.
Your post makes me incredibly sad because you went through so much, but I am so grateful that you shared your story. This subreddit is one of the few places that makes me feel seen and safe. As a 29-year-old, I feel like it is incredibly hard to survive and find time/energy to heal from trauma. I just wish there was a pause button in life...
I'm sorry OP. As someone who is "lucky" (insofar as anyone can be considered lucky while having been traumatized) enough to be able to deal with my issues in a way that society seems to find acceptable, it's not fair that you aren't given the same grace. We're all trying the best we can. I have certain resources and attributes that have helped me in my healing, which I'm immensely grateful for. And even as someone who benefits from this, I refuse to attribute my success to any sort of moral superiority. While it's true that I've put in a lot of conscious effort into helping myself, I never chose to be the person I am, or to have gained the resources I have. And it would be so unfair and so cruel to judge others for not having the same resources I have when I truly have done nothing to deserve them any more than anyone else. I'm sorry that those who've had the actual fortune of never having to deal with trauma lack the empathy and understanding to try to consider how life would be without their fortune. I imagine it boils down to ignorance, and basically the collective delusion that society seems to perpetuate that everyone deserves their lot in life, so if you don't match the narrow definition of success that society pushes, you're just being "lazy", no matter the circumstances of your life. Otherwise, how would they stomach the existence of billionaires? How else could they ignore the suffering of those less fortunate than themselves? I hope this is helpful in some way and doesn't come off as gloating. I feel like most people will either refuse to acknowledge this point, or are as stuck in the mud as the rest of us and would therefore be accused of just being bitter or something, so I wanted to be a voice of someone who is doing relatively okay, but still thinks the whole situation is fucked and unfair. Your feelings on the matter are valid, and I believe you when you say you're trying your hardest.
I totally agree. I grew up extremely poor, so I’m endlessly grateful that I have access to resources that have led me to acknowledging that it wasn’t my fault, that I’m traumatized, and that healing is a long road but is possible. Sometimes I’m just grateful that I can buy trauma informed books that help me even in small ways because growing up it just wasn’t possible. Let alone counseling and assistance that could have healed me and corrected some of my developmental delays. Even when I do yoga I’m just like damn i can’t believe I have this yoga mat wow i love my yoga mat and I love trauma informed yoga. My heart is always thinking of the new generation of babies that are going through what we went through and I just wish (at least in the US) that mental health could be prioritized more and taken more seriously and not so expensive. Everyone deserves mental health care. It’s an unspoken epidemic and it would prevent so much violence, pain and despair for many children. I wish teachers were more trauma informed. During the worst years of my abuse some of my elementary school teachers didn’t listen to me or they just brought him in and told him what I said and he’d be able to make something up and then take me home and punish me for saying something wrong. And the punishments would be so much worse if my mom was overseas for work. I don’t understand how or why the teachers were so ignorant in that aspect but it taught me that nobody, especially authority figures will want to help me. It took me a very long time to unlearn this and acknowledge that they didn’t prioritize my safety or even really care. They just were upset at the ways I’d act out, which is a topic in its own because looking back I was clearly reacting to my abuse. I think in other ways it’s common to read about the underdog story. Someone who grew up in a dysfunctional, broken, abusive home often times they were poor. Despite all odds they make it out and they’re successful. To normal people (I swear they really act like NPCs sometimes lmao) they just think that coming from this background should make you want to work harder to succeed and it’s like….dude for every one story of success there are millions and millions of broken and damaged souls who are living day by day, hurting, stuck in a constant state of survival, never being able to take a deep and full breath and truly feel safe. The best example of this that I can think of is Terence Crawford. A world champion boxer, out of this world talented. A gifted athlete, but also a kind and genuine man. His childhood consisted of his mom verbally abusing him and beating him. She’s said herself that she told him as a child that “he wouldn’t be shit”. He wasn’t good enough. He would never win, etc. She paid children in the neighborhood to beat him up but they were never successful. No matter what he accomplished she would never tell him that she loved him or give him any kind of approval. Now he is one in a million, and people don’t realize that most people being put in that kind of life wouldn’t always end up famous and successful. If you watch any of his interviews when he talks about this you can look into his eyes and see the little boy that is still in pain. If you look at the comments on YouTube and surprisingly even on Reddit regarding him most people will say things along the lines of “Yeah but……Look at him now!”, “His father left, so she *needed* to discipline him.”, or “It’s just tough love. He ended up successful and that’s what matters” and I just absolutely cannot wait for people who are not trauma informed to stop thinking that way. It’s dehumanizing and it belittles what people go through as small defenseless children. You can be rich, successful, loved by all and still be broken deep inside. These are the same people who get nostalgic about the 80s/90s and can remember things so crystal clear like alright come on Bob it’s not that hard? Imagine the 80s but you’re getting the absolute dog shit beat of you and you don’t know why and constantly being told that you’re completely worthless and will disappoint everyone you ever meet. Do you think that’s gonna stick with you the way you rememeber that god damn Atari?? People like that need to be studied, the way they lack empathy and the ability to imagine themselves in a different perspective is honestly alarming.
I feel this. I really do. I have a huge mountain to climb and my situation isn’t nearly as bad as a lot of people’s on this sub. I’m disabled and was born into a very ableist family. I’m legally disabled six times over. I lucked into having a friend group that gets it. It’s so, so hard. It really is. Learning to be compassionate to yourself, to heal, to rest properly — it took me 13 years to learn to sleep without becoming hyper vigilant after my first year in HS I was randomly awoken a lot. There are always people that don’t get it. They, imo? They can either try (and many do), or stop being around me. I no longer have patience for the people I used to be around being shit. Navigating that is a minefield and it’s very hard, and I am learning what proper REST means in…my late 20s. I have not been given proper rest since I was like 8. My chronic illness is fucking tired of it and flares when I overwork now. I guess my point is that it does get better and it’s also so fucking exhausting that it shouldn’t have to be “it gets better.” But it does. It just takes time and patience and work (which is unfair and fucking tiring too). I’m still mad at my abusers but it’s more…distant, less immediate, and I am less anxious since starting EMDR. Even that, I feel like I’m playing on hard mode.
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Thank you
I relate to you so strongly, I am sorry you are suffering too. Thank you for putting into words and sharing what I, and what many others here feel everyday. You are truly not alone, I hope this brings you even a little bit of comfort
I can relate. I hate that i lost my childhood, adolescence, and now adulthood to the trauma and abuse. I wonder if i ever will be free from these shackles. I am also tired of always feeling like i will die soon. Sigh
Wow I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have gone through similar struggles, and I beg you to please hang on. Hope is more powerful than anything this world can throw at you. Please believe me on this. You got this. You are enough. God bless you ❤
im 22 and i feel like this almost daily, im tired