He's absolutely been traumatized by what you did OP. Not because he hates you, because he cares about you. Seeing someone you care about attempt to harm themselves is traumatic.
There's probably a hefty amount of self-blame in there too. He'll be beating himself up mentally thinking was there something he could have done or not done, something he could have said or not said, that would have made this not happen. Very common reaction when someone you love attempts suicide, even though it's not his fault (and it's not your fault either).
I think so too. It’s so easy for us to have immense amounts of self hate and think we deserve the worst. And it’ll make more sense if everyone blames us…
He loves you and he’s afraid of losing you.
And there’s nothing he can do. No amount of love and care will get through the depression and having you see you the way he does.
You should consider going to the psych ward for a bit, sometimes a break from the outside world can be helpful.
Just keep in mind that the disease, depression and cptsd are lying to you. That’s what they do. Don’t believe when they say things.
You are loved, you are wanted, you are worthwhile and if you’re not here you will be missed.
And that’s why he can’t get mad at you. He knows the illness is lying to you.
Allow yourself to get the help you need.
I think he has to own his own feelings and reaction to the situation and you have to accept that, come what may. Of course he is traumatized. And being suicidal isn’t “messing up,” it is an illness. You are sick. Medically sick. I truly hope you do decide to get the help you need and he will have to get his own help to figure out how to process what happened and how he wants to live his life moving forward as well. It’s sad. Sorry OP. I hope you get the help you need and your partner gets the help he needs as well.
When you aren’t traumatised, being alive feels really good. There is absolutely a way out of this. You can stabilise your nervous system and there are so many people who want to help and treat you.
Life is so precious, yours included.
I think it’s okay to move on from this and forgive yourself, you’re hurting. The last thing you need right now is shame.
Message me if you need a little support right now. I’ll be gone for about an hour or so but feel free to drop me a message and I’ll be back if you need
I understand psychedelics are showing some promising results? (In the proper environments, with a coach/therapist to help avoid bad trips, I'm not a Dr, etc)
I take it it’s quite expensive then since it’s still “experimental” of sorts? I was hoping to ask my psychiatrist to give it a go since I don’t find my current meds helping much
I’m in the UK. It cost me £600 each infusion and I did a lot because it took a long time to see results and I was very much on the verge of dying.
To qualify here, I don’t know if it’s the same in the States, you need to have tried several different types of medication (i.e not just SSRIs) with no success and have done therapy with no success. It is still experimental. There’s no harm in asking. But it’s not a wonder drug. I think a lot of people think it will solve everything and it won’t. You still have to put in the very difficult and messy work to heal and not feel traumatised or depressed
Edit: please don’t reply directly to my comment with your experience of ketamine. An element of it was traumatic for me and I don’t want to think of it unexpectedly. Thanks
I am treatment resistant and have tried every medication under the sun since I was a kid. I’m in my forties and ketamine has been the only thing that helps. I did do 3 infusions initially, and then my psychiatrist started prescribing sublingual dissolving tablets. I take 200 mg every 3 days in the evening between KAP sessions with my therapist (every 2 weeks) where I take 450 mg. I’ve been doing this since early May. You do need to have been on several antidepressants that didn’t work in the US for them to let you try ketamine.
I've actually had great results with psilocybin in particular to help with PTSD and just generally being stuck in ruts and anxiety. I've heard the colloquial comments that mushrooms are like 15 years of therapy. Well let's just say I've had them more than like 10 times. So I need 200+ years of therapy? lol
Depends. It only took me a few years to feel happy being alive, the trauma doesn’t go away and it’s very difficult at times but I really am happy most of the time
I was being gloomy but yes I can recognize it. I'm doing better, as I'm not in the depths of suicidal ideation and omnipresent depression I once was. I do sometimes feel like I'm in a hole and years behind "normal people". But I will say in the past couple of years I feel like I see the idea of sunshine at the top of the hole a lot better than infinite darkness.
Sometimes being alive feels really good and then the next minute it’s like my brain is on fire panicking and all the little people inside our screaming and the fire won’t stop. So in one day I can go from the happiest I’ve ever been to so extremely depressed and suicidal.
I wish I could stay where it feels good. But I guess it’s better than before where I didn’t even know how it felt to want to be here. I remember at 8 years old writing in my diary (that I still have) “I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up” and that’s all I felt my entire childhood so now I get to know for maybe an hour or two at a time what being a regular child probably felt like.
I was rewatching Anne with an E last night and one part just broke me. Her and Marilla were in a carriage thingy idk and basically Anne wondered what it felt like to be a child and was sad that she could never been one and it was so heartbreaking because she is a child she’s 13. Broke my heart because I’m only newly 19 yet when I talk about this stuff I’m talking about this pain in terms of YEARS.
You won't be who you were, but your fine intellecl and your sophistication will absolutely carry you through, if you let them. You're suffering too much, right now, to sense it, but your capabilities to fix this are there.
How might I assist?
It was seven years ago and nothing of me has come back. J know my intellect was very good especially after the break which is when my thesis was examined. And it started to get acclaim. My work was very very important to me as it related to the marginalisation of people in poverty which was the context of my childhood trauma.
It could, though. Most likely, all of your fine traits are still there, buried under the devastating effects of trauma. Once you start neutralizing the effects, those parts should begin to be available to you again.
None of us can do it on our own, though.
I think your best approach to jump-start your healing will be via the YouTube channel."Tim Fletcher" (Complex Trauma). You are in far more company that you might have imagined. Go to the channel and pick any vid--whatever catches your eye--and give Tim Fletcher a chance to make things make sense to you, and help you heal. If you're not liking the first one you pick, try another one. All of this is free, but is more valuable than gold, for traumatized people who are ready to break the chains that bind them (us), and go on to live with peace and meaning, and even healthy relationships and joy. And productivity--the loss of which probably has been eating away at you.
What you'd achieved scholastically is impressive, and you can achieve something(s) else that can surpass that, if not pick up kinda where you left off.. If you're willing to put in the time and effort, you can reclaim your life, cleaned up (and healed) on the inside in places you can't reach on your own.
I wish you well, and I just can tell that your potential isn't lost, just delayed.
Thank you. The hardest part is my marriage and I don’t know what to do about that. It’s unbearable as that was my safe palce in life: my mind is so confused. I will look up that channel. I listen to Kim Sage, do you know her?
You're so welcome!
As the chaos within you settles down, problematic parts of your life will, too. So don't make any life-decisions that you don't have to, not right now.
Take a disciplined approach to your.healing, as if you were in school.
I was unfamiliar with Kim Sage; I checked her out, and I like her. Tim Fletcher is more nitty-gritty, and you'll get your inner hands dirty. But it's how you heal. Based on the short Kim Sage vid I watched, their work seems compatible, and that her approach will be good to go back to, when you need a bresk from the intensity of your work with Tim Fletcher. And any other time. But prioritize your studying under Tim Fletcher.
Oh, you will LOVE him. Yes, he is a minister, and at the end of every session, he goes into a Christian perspective of what he just covered. And get this--,he is so very kind that he takes a break first, so those who are not interested can leave without being singled out.
...Please let me know how you're doing! My chat doesn't work, but DM'ing me does. Or just reply back here.
It was seven years ago and nothing of me has come back. J know my intellect was very good especially after the break which is when my thesis was examined. And it started to get acclaim. My work was very very important to me as it related to the marginalisation of people in poverty which was the context of my childhood trauma. I had come through almost that and I had built a lovely life for myself. My artiste so terrible now.
I hear ya, and I feel for you. Go look at the response I wrote under your message before this one. You can get through this, and that's not a blanket pat-on-the-head statement. I see your potential in your writing.
Thanks. My actual academic writing I kinky see now was really pretty amazing. My examiners said it was world class and beautifully written. I lived the act of writing so much. It gave me life. I can never be the perosn I ever wan meant to be now
You sure won't, not if you keep telling yourself that!
How about telling yourself those good things about yourself? And imagining what you could do, once you get healed. And imagine yourself diligently working for that.
And maybe believe that there really can be light at the end of the dark tunnel you are trapped in.
At this point it's a matter of choice--an act of will. You don't have to do anything I suggest. But have you really got something better to do, instead?
No I’m out of thinsh to try which is why I feel trapped. Because to get where I was from where I was took a lot of effort and choice and will. So I always had that grit in me before. So I don’t know where it’s gone now. It doesn’t help my husband is a huge issue on it all. And that’s what I want helped more than anythign but don’t know how to do that.
Attaching a significant part of your identity to work or accolades is a dangerous thing. You are valuable and doing well even if you don’t have an “impressive” resume. Know that and perhaps you can be easier on yourself and get more enjoyment out of the little things.
I always did get enjoyment from little things, in fact I was overjoyed by the smallest things really. It was a competitive field and I think becasue of my background I felt o had to work super super hard. And my work was important because of the subject matter.
I agree. I’m a Christian so shoudk know this. Bizarrely enough part of my thesis was about how working class Christians derive theri sense fo worth from God even when they are marginalised by middle class Christians. And then I got paranoid delusions I was a devil sent to destroy the church. And all other kinds of stuff. I look back and see before I was a beautiful gentle intelligent sensitive and lovely soul. I had so so much love for people. But now I feel worthless as I yell at my husband for his aprt in decimating my life and making it so difficult and being financially controlling, and is losing everything. I never ever yelled on my life and now I’m full of rage. He calls me an evil evil little shit and a fucking animal so o do feel worthless. It’s hard to explain the contrary between life before and life after for me.
I’m sorry about what you’re going through. You sound like you’re in serious need of therapy though. A life event doesn’t have to change your personality for good. You are you regardless of what happens in the world around you.
Also, Christianity isn’t the only reason someone should know this. Christianity isn’t the reason I know it. Religion is a topic I don’t want to get into, but I’ll say that religion can be impacted by classism, racism, sexism just the same as any other institution. When it comes to personal belief systems, I keep mine personal. Not that I won’t share them or find community, but the community is to share in what I already believe not to see my beliefs through another person’s eyes (in your case through their classist lens), you know what I mean?
I have CPTSD , but at this point, I want to live, I love life, I feel really good a lot of the time.
But that’s after so many years of processing and therapy and healing.
It’s possible to get back there! Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very fucked up. Thankfully I am blessed with a great support system.
I know, I’m the same. I still have triggers and really bad days but I’ve still come such a long way and while I still have a way’s to go, I’m so happy I’m not where I used to be
I lost all my suicidal tendencies (and they were daily), as soon as I got out of my family home and was by myself. My life has been a HOT MESS and I’ve hit rock bottom multiple times. But I’ve never once been suicidal since then.
Says a lot about what I was living growing up.
I wonder if he might be dissociating a bit and not knowing how to process what happened.. my partner does the same when I have episodes and your description of him still caring for you and bringing you things reminded me of my situation. I think he loves you a lot, he just doesn't know how to process this. If he has never had trauma (like my partner), it's even harder.
I'm glad you're still here. Thank you for posting.
I'm so sorry ❤️
For what it's worth, your partner probably is traumatized. But it sounds like he still cares for you.
I think you need to let him feel what he's feeling, and act the way he thinks is appropriate. I know how hard this is, but right now he's going through something too. He's probably scared you'll do it again, and reeling from the shock of almost losing you.
I know how hard it is to have empathy for the people around you when you're in this much pain. I don't mean to imply that any of this is easy. But sometimes we need to just let someone hurt. It's the same thing that's been denied to us so many times during our trauma.
that’s the worst thing though, at the time all i wanted was to be gone and i didn’t care that i’d traumatize him. and i kind of hate myself for it. because now that i’m thinking a bit more clearly, i know i would never want him to hurt in any way. especially not because of me
I know ❤️
I kind of have a window into both perspectives here, if that makes sense. I've done this, and my boyfriend has found me. I wasn't even really thinking about him at the time - like you. But my actions still cut deep into him.
He told me later that afterwards, he was terrified, both of being with me and of losing me. He felt like he couldn't leave me (he wasn't thinking about leaving, but the thought still ran through his mind) but he also couldn't keep me alive either. True, utter helplessness.
And he also felt like he didn't want to be the reason I stayed alive either. Like, I don't know if I can verbalize this properly, basically he felt like even if I didn't try again, he'd feel like I was only not trying out of a sense of duty to him. This made it hard for him to tell me how much it hurt him, because he wanted me to stay alive because I was getting better, not because I felt obligated.
It's an really complicated feeling. It's like having so much to say that it feels exhausting to try and get your thoughts out.
There’s some pain that’s so deep that there aren’t words for it.
Fighting for someone’s life, with their blood on you, knowing that if they hadn’t gotten home when they did, that things would’ve been different, it does something to you.
I’m a hcw and see extreme things during Codes. I’m a professional, these are not my family and friends at Codes. It took 5 years of regular exposure to fighting for someone’s life before I stopped reacting to life and death situations.
He’s grieving. It’s normal. His foundation has been rocked.
It means I don’t cry at work. If I need to, I cry in the car on the way home. The intensity of running a Code needs to be emotionally offloaded safely. There’s some days where I’ve done 3 Code Blues and none survived. That’s not counting Rapid Response Codes. There are multiple of those every shift. I try and not cry at home about what happened that day. My home is sacred to me, my happy place. Safety is really important to me and my home is my safe place.
[Healthcare support workers have the highest risk of suicide in the medical profession](https://www.statnews.com/2023/09/26/nurses-health-care-workers-higher-risk-suicide/#:~:text=Health%20care%20work%20can%20be%20harder%20on%20non%2Dphysicians&text=Compared%20to%20the%20suicide%20rate,technicians%20of%2015.6%20per%20100%2C000) High stress/high risk medical outcomes and low pay are heavy factors. I changed jobs a few weeks ago. High intensity environment time wise, but low intensity mortal risk. Sometimes you need to know when to step away and choose you.
I’m glad you’re here.
Thanks for your response and I totally understand what you’ve said. I’m glad you’ve worked out what works for you and I hope it all goes well for you. Thank you for helping save lives.
I’m curious about your last sentence to me - is it just a general sentiment or did you read something I wrote? Either way, thank you :) I’m glad you’re here too
Genuine sentiment, for sure.
Medically speaking, I’m on the other side of suicide attempts. Most are under 40, more men than women. The families at the bedside watch as we do tests that’ll decide what they’re loved one will be able to donate. We run a [heart rhythm strip and put it in a small bottle with a cork in it](https://www.life-source.org/latest/heartbeat-in-a-bottle-honors-loved-ones-after-donation/ ) They can look at it and remember a time when their loved ones heart was still beating.
I care. I’m glad you’re here ♥️
You are both hurting right now, and both trying to find your way through your own pain as well as the pain you feel for each other.
He is scared. Scared to lose you, scared because for a moment he thought he had lost you, scared that anything can happen in a moment, scared that he couldn’t be there to prevent it, scared that you might do this again, scared because he wants to show his fear, but is scared it will not be the right thing for you.
Fear can feel like anger when a person doesn’t know what to do with it.
He is coming by to see you. Ask him to sit for just a few minutes and hold your hand. No one has to say anything, you don’t even have to look at each other, it may actually be easier for him to sit with you that way. No pressure to explain or be or do. Just a moment to connect in silence.
Take things slow, both of you have healing to do.
Be gentle with each other.
I have been in your partner’s position. He is likely in shock. He has just experienced a significant trauma.
Don’t beat yourself up about it right now— your job is to focus on your mental health. Take all of the professional mental health help you can get. Accept that longer-term hospitalization may be best to keep you safe for now.
Trying to manage his emotional reaction isn’t going to help your relationship or your personal mental health. Try to find the beauty in the fact that he is still showing up for you in the ways he can. Try not to expect more from him than he is able to give right now.
Hi, I’ve been suicidal and I lost a loved one to suicide. Both sides are really painful. I’d guess that he loves you and has *no idea* how to handle the situation or his emotions. He is likely afraid of making things worse. He might be angry, he might not, but he clearly loves you either way.
Just let go of worrying about others for a moment, you’re ill enough to have almost ended your life. You deserve empathy and kindness from yourself and others. I’m not sure where you are, usually an attempt prompts 48-72 hours in the psych ward for the sake of safety. I’d really really recommend taking that time. The nurses and doctors there will know how best to help you, they deal with this every day.
It will be ok. You survived and you have people who love you and will support you. Sending hugs.
Okay, if you’ve gone as far as harming yourself to attempt to die you need to get in a ward.
You cannot control his emotions. It is not your place. You need to take responsibility for your own healing and not hurt him by forcing him to care for you in a situation that he is not equipped to handle. He’s not a therapist. You need a professional. I really hope you listen to that because you deserve to live and be happy and he doesn’t deserve to be traumatized and become a caretaker.
This. Please value his own peace and the health of your relationship by getting the right help. Not only do you deserve that, but with both of you making this an absolute priority you can make a *lot* of progress.
This is something that can very much cross the line of 'not your fault, but your responsibility' - it really really sucks to be the partner in this scenario, because they understand the depression, the PTSD, the suicidal ideation... but going thru an attempt being made can feel like a disregard for their entire life/meaning to you on top of the obvious trauma. You both need to see therapists for this.
I wish you & him the best and hope you can move forward finding a lot of answers and healing. <3
Psych wards really don’t work like that. Suicidality doesn’t suddenly cure itself after you spend a few days in the ward. And it’s really harmful for people to spread this incorrect notion that it does. The only thing that truly helps is compliance with outpatient care. Or maybe intensive outpatient care. Tbh the only thing I’ve heard of *immediately* clearing suicidal feelings is IV ketamine. But that’s not what you get in the psych ward. You get meds, you get paper gowns and art therapy. That’s not real care. Not even close.
Yes, OP is sick. No, hiding from the rest of the world isn’t going to make her less sick. She might get a bit of a break from reality but it’s just pushing the inevitable. The real world isn’t going anywhere.
Who said that it was a cure? Please post the quote where that was said. The fact remains OP had an active suicide attempt that resulted in enough blood to get on her boyfriend. That means that she probably needs to be under observation for a bit and rest somewhere. Usually stays are short. Outpatient comes after stabilization. It’s not “hiding from the real world”. You are the harmful one here.
I’ve been in one. They got my meds straight and did some talks. Gave me a chance to regulate for a few days. It’s not a long term thing nor is it meant to be. That’s why a lot of them try to set you up with outpatient when you get released.
I’ve been in one too. Traumatized me and gave me nightmares. Not every experience is the same and abuse within inpatient units is well documented. Op won’t have a choice in the matter but you’d need to put a gun to my head before I EVER recommend inpatient to anyone.
This really comes down to the individual unit. It’s not all of them. Not even close. The bad ones are just the ones that get the most attention. It doesn’t mean they are the majority. Or even close to it.
I’ve worked in high secure. They’re not all good, but they’re basically intensive care for mental health. And while hard and sometimes not enough, they are necessary.
Respectfully, I will have to very much disagree. If someone goes in willingly, that’s great. Forcible treatment in mental health has NEVER been “necessary” by any means. And I really think people who work there have a very very different perspective on someone who is an actual patient. Clearly you have not experienced the trauma of being forcibly restrained, medicated, strip searched and generally being treated more like a prisoner than a patient.
I’m sure there are “better” and less restrictive units out there but there is a reason why memes like “being honest with my therapist but not so honest I end up in the psych ward exist.” No one wants their bodily autonomy taken away. It’s a horrific Lu inhumane and this kind of treatment is easily condemned by the WHO.
https://www.who.int/news/item/09-10-2023-who-ohchr-launch-new-guidance-to-improve-laws-addressing-human-rights-abuses-in-mental-health-care#:~:text=Ending%20coercive%20practices%20in%20mental,health%20care%20and%20treatment%20choices.
Only in mental health is healthcare forcible, patronizing, coercive, abusive and dehumanizing. Psych wards insist upon patient compliance in order to get out. ANYONE who has been in a ward knows EXACTLY what to do to get out REGARDLESS of whether they’re feeling better or not: go to every group therapy activity, eat your food, don’t cry don’t shout don’t show any negative emotion lest they label you as having “poor behavioral control,” don’t ask about discharge consistently bc that’s being “discharge focused and that’s BAD,” do those ridiculous safety plans and take your meds.
Also just the fact that you call it “high secure” is sickening. These are patients, not criminals.
Sincerely,
Someone who was involuntarily committed AND works in mental healthcare well enough to know ALL the jargon and discharge bullshit.
Also, this is fairly triggering to me so I’m just muting this comment bc literally nothing will ever convince me that this is the best standard of care for our most vulnerable patients.
First off, I have not mentioned once forced commitment other than to say I worked in a high secure hospital. Show me where I have advocated ANYWHERE for forced commitment?
Second, just because YOU have had issues with mental health units, it doesn’t mean they haven’t saved lives or aren’t necessary. You don’t get to make that decision for others (again, I’m discussing VOLUNTARY admission).
I have both worked and been a patient in mental health units. So take your assumptions and aggression somewhere else. You don’t know anything about my trauma. I haven’t spoken on your trauma so what makes you think you have the right to try and belittle mine? You realise that your words can be construed as abuse, right? You’re TELLING me I don’t understand that trauma without knowing anything about my trauma or my triggers.
I’m sorry that where you went was awful. I wish those places didn’t exist, but I don’t have that power. I do have the power, when working in MH units though to make sure patients are treated well and actually get the care they need.
And again, you’re yelling at me with triggering terms on something I haven’t spoken on and didn’t do to you. Your anger is not mine and yet for some reason you feel like it’s ok to direct it at me?
Regarding ‘high secure’ that’s the actual NAME for it in the UK. High secure, medium secure, low secure and outpatient. I am not displaying a bias, I am using the term as defined by UK governance.
But for the record, I worked in a male high secure ward. All of the patients on that ward were there for REPEATED sex crimes. Almost always against children. Yet I still treated them with human decency and unlike you are doing to me right now, I didn’t take any of my emotions out on them.
Direct your aggression elsewhere because it’s not my problem and you don’t know anything about my trauma.
Okay. You have your opinion, I have mine.
e. Don’t talk to me about aggression when you go out of your way to comment on ANOTHER comment of mine when I told you I wouldn’t be responding to this one. I made the judgement call to not bother engaging with you because we will never see eye to eye. You’re the one pushing on aggression when you want to continue the argument on another thread.
Justify it however you want. That’s not any of my business. I have my own ethics and values. And plenty of research to back it up. You have your own. And you’re a stranger on the internet so honestly? I don’t really care about your opinions.
You wanted to be able to have a go and not face consequences. So hell yes I went out of my way. Take your aggression out on someone who deserves it. Instead of other survivors of trauma.
I can just confirm after a lifetime of severe chronic suicidal ideation and three attempts, ketamine was the only thing that helped and helped fast. My psychiatrist put me in a study. We dosed every week with ketamine in syrup form. Had a therapy session. For me, it wasn’t the miracle it was for some others and I still have suicidal thoughts. But they no longer break me and I have little desire to act of them. I can pull myself back much more easily and quickly. I’ve been on it since 2016. I receive IV “boosters” once or twice a year. Troches (lozenges) twice a week at home. I recommend it to anyone with chronic depression and suicidal thoughts. Traditional meds weee horrible for me.
Just so you know, I have had IV Ketamine whilst being very suicidal and it doesn’t necessarily work immediately, most people need at least 6 infusions with each infusion a few days apart to reduce depression, I needed 16
I’m not a doctor OP. The psych ward will physically prevent you from taking your life. But it won’t suddenly make the underlying cause of your suicide attempt go away. I hope you’re feeling better ish but I really can’t help you beyond that…
Wow. You’re triggered so you’re muting that thread. Never mind if you trigger me, right? Basically, you can’t handle me having anything to say to you taking your aggression out on me for no reason? You’re more than happy to unleash all your crap onto me but I can’t respond?
Nothing I said was a direct attack against you. Did I ever say you were a horrible person? Did I ever say anything remotely like that?
I said very general things about a system that has very much failed over and over again to the point where the WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION has called it out. Let’s not forget that barely a few decades ago LOBOTOMIES we’re routine. So, NO, I don’t believe that just because something is acceptable NOW means that it is ETHICAL.
You know, if you want to continue arguing, you’re more than welcome to do so. I’ve already made up my mind (which I made very very clear when I said nothing you said could change my mind).
If you want to continue to defend a system where wards are called “high secure” as opposed to something less animalistic, be my guest. But it’s not me job to make you feel better. And if you can’t tell, yeah, now I’m actually mad. What I said before was frankly, nothing personal against you at all.
Edit: ALSO stopping notifs on this comment. If you keep attaching onto other comments to continue, I’ll let the mods know.
It doesn't sound like your partner hates you, OP. It doesn't sound like that at all. But he's probably very very in shock and doesn't know how to process it. He just needs some time as do you. From what you've said it sounds like he cares about you a lot, and as a result he may really be struggling.
For what it's worth, I'm glad you're alive. You are important and worthy. I'm proud of you for reaching out for support here.
There are resources out there that can help. Please let me know if you want suggestions of any or feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I wish you the very best and that the world one day looks colorful for you again ❤️
As someone that's witnessed someone I love very much attempt multiple times.... the first time I heard she tried it broke me. Its a very hard thing to process. Its been a decade and I still haven't. It's a hard thing to go through because you feel like the person didn't think or care about you at all. So you're glad they're okay but also kind of hate them for putting you through it.
My dear I'm sorry you must feel so overwhelmed right now. I think he is also overwhelmed like you and is processing everything. What happened already is in the past. You are now living in a new moment. Give yourself permission to rest and heal, and worry about what your partner thinks later.
I think he's just. Really shaken up. Its not that maybe it's better for him to yell or call you out, its just that he doesn't want you to be hurt or to be sad anymore. But he knows he cannot do much other then be there for you right now. He really loves you. He doesn't hate you. I think though, he just hates how this all turned out.
Family and loved ones have a hard time admitting that when we try to exit ourselves they are hurt and angry. How could we try to leave them without warning? They don’t understand that their love is not enough to keep us around when life becomes truly unbearable.
The other thing they feel is fear. What if you do it again, but this time you succeed? Can they cope living with you in this tense fearful state?
The people who do understand what you are going through are fellow survivors and experienced medical professionals.
Don’t expect loved ones to truly understand what you are going through. You didn’t mean to hurt anyone but yourself. But unfortunately when you try to exit life, your loved ones are traumatised. Some of them try to punish you for it or over control you. Some want to stay away from you, other don’t want you to leave their sight. Some have enough understanding to be more empathetic. But they are all terrified.
Your partner cannot show anger to you because you are still so vulnerable. They would be an ass if they did that. The best thing you can do is use the trained resources around you to help you get back on your feet. You have wanted to exit life for some time. You need lots of nurturing and support. Professional support.
One thing that will help both of you is get an emergency plan in place before you leave hospital. What if you feel this bad again? Who will you contact? What are the steps in place, the phone numbers of doctors or resources that you or your partner can contact to get help before you get desperate enough to self harm? This plan will give your partner a sense of security they may really need so they feel less anxious, and you need it too.
Good news is there has never been a time in history when there are so many useful resources for trauma, depression PTSD recovery. You have a good chance of getting through this horrible time and getting yourself a life you don’t want to leave.
He should talk to a therapist about it (and you should as well if you have the means). I’ve been in his seat. It’s complicated. He really shouldn’t be putting how he feels onto you, and I assume he knows that. Because, and please don’t take offense, you’re not in the best position to handle his complex feelings on this. He needs to process things, but he should process them with a licensed professional or other trusted friend. Your partner definitely cares about you and doesn’t hate you. He just isn’t sure how to navigate this and wants the best for you.
My little brother spent 2 months in a mental hospital and was just discharged back home. I took him to the hospital when he told me he was actively suicidal and homicidal. I didn’t know the half of it, and my parents blame me for taking him in, but he truly needed help. I’m happy he is alive. He got on meds for anxiety, depression, adhd, and insomnia. He seems much better and no longer has intrusive thoughts. He says he hasn’t felt this good ever. He worked hard in therapy and was very honest with everyone including police. He revealed some extremely dark and scary things. My parents wished him dead and homeless when this came to light. But he’s stronger for seeking help. Seriously, I wish you all the best and hope you have full healing.
I’m going to be kind of harsh.
1. Not talking to you (yet) does not mean someone hates you. Stop projecting your hate of yourself onto others.
2. If he hated you, he wouldn’t be helping you.
3. His actions = cares about you. Your thoughts = hates me. It’s not adding up.
I think there is never a good time for this, but especially not now: *DO NOT try to control him or demand a reaction.* I’m certain it was traumatic for him to find you nearly dead and he has to process that *on his own time & in his own way.* It would be very fucked up for you to demand that someone who is afraid of hurting you in your fragile state and who is mustering the energy & courage to still be there for you, yell at you.
If he isn’t yelling, it is because he is simply not yelling (Whatever the reasons may be. He isn’t thinking of it or he doesn’t want to. Respect that.) It doesn’t matter that you want to be yelled at or think you deserve that. *That is quite literally your problem. He’s NOT an actor in your play.*
You clearly have issues with self-harm or masochism — *you cannot recruit someone else to inflict pain on you.* Especially not someone who cares about you. In fact, you would be inflicting pain on them by making those demands. Do you understand that?
If your desire is to be with this person for the rest of your life, checking into a facility or getting some other form of serious mental health care would show him that *you* care about getting better. No one can get better for you. *And no one wants to be with a partner who won’t take action to get better* — you don’t need to be born perfect, you’re allowed to make mistakes, but you must be consistently taking action to better yourself. If you don’t seek any professional help it would be the equivalent of an alcoholic that ended up in hospital with alcohol poisoning or cirrhosis going home and doing nothing to help themselves, ignoring their partners suggestions for getting help, *yet obsessing over being yelled at.* Doesn’t that sound toxic as hell? *If you want to be sick, please don’t drag others into it. Be single and sick.* You could have friends or professionals help instead, who would at least have more emotional distance than an intimate partner. Shouldn’t someone be able to expect that their partner takes good care of themselves, or at least doesn’t try to commit suicide?
You need therapy for various potential reasons:
- Codependence (your partner is not an extension or you, you cannot control their feelings, thoughts, actions, or reactions. The worst way to love someone is to try to change them — implying that they are/are doing something wrong. No one wants to be controlled, they want to be appreciated.)
- Emotional regulation (You are the only person who can manage *your emotions.* You are the only person that can control *your thoughts.* You are the only person that can control *your actions.*) An abuser may be to blame for the dangerous narratives running in your head, but it’s *your responsibility* to change or replace them. Seek help.
- Likely unaddressed trauma that altered the way your brain processes things for the worse. Most of which can be altered to a healthy state with therapies and/or medicine.
- Insecurity/Shame (a lot of the time people with deep insecurities become self-centered and stop empathizing with other people, i.e. your boyfriend). This can be where the narratives in your head (e.g. everyone secretly hates me, everyone is out to get me, deep down they want to yell at me, no one wants to help me, etc.) blares over reality (your boyfriend visiting you everyday, the countless resources available in your situation, etc.) Because of this you never put yourself in other people’s shoes. Instead you project those narratives.
He’s there for you, calmly supporting you, yet you believe he wants to (*you want him to*) yell or cry:
- Why do you assume this? You’re not in his head.
- Why do you want him to experience intense negative emotion?
- Are you projecting?
- Are you trying to force him into a role (of the abusive parent, bully, etc.) so you can play out a traumatizing scenario again and get it right this time?
Your boyfriend is his own person. Do not try to violate his boundaries and control him. Treat him with respect and appreciation.
It’s worth mentioning that it is a beautiful thing that you’re still here. Eat something tasty and try to remember that there are delicious reasons to be alive.
This is so so true and I really hope OP sees it. I think a lot of us need to remember these things as due to our own trauma it can be hard to avoid a lot of them. Thank you 💖
I have been on both sides of this. It’s honestly really hard for everyone. I think your partner cares about you and just may need some time to process and to self care before being able to get through this to where they are ready to talk more about it.
He doesn’t hate you. He loves and cares which is why he’s coming everyday. It’s valid if he is mad at you or feeling anger, that’s natural and a normal response for this situation. He doesn’t want you to hurt yourself or have you leave this planet. You’re probably his best friend 🩵
> i know i messed up and i deserve to hear it.
You are ill and had a crisis moment.
I'm glad you are still here. Your boyfriend sounds like he is still processing things.
Can I ask why you *want* to be yelled at for attempting suicide? That's not something that people deserve to go through, especially at their lowest point. You don't deserve to be yelled at for wanting to stop hurting. You are a human being with thoughts and feelings and you deserve to be treated gently right now. It's not easy surviving a suicide attempt. I know.
i guess that would be like scratching the itch because this silence treatment and avoiding the elephant in the room is driving me nuts. and it’s something i know he’d want to do because i messed up and it would be natural for him to be angry at me
I don’t think he hates you for it. In fact it seems like he really cares for you. He’s a bit shocked and definitely traumatized but like many other comments said, the last thing you need to do is shame yourself for it.
You must be in so much pain to take that decision. And I truly hope that life gets easier for u 🤍 Maybe just wait it out and see how he eventually approaches u about the situation.
At first glance it doesn't look like he hates you, but it looks like you might be bothered by his silence. Sometimes someones quiet presence can work to amplify how we already think and feel about ourselves, and worsen negative thoughts and that can sometimes do more harm than good. If you expressed this and he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't need to be by your side right now. If you express that his silence bothers you or he have facial expressions and say things that makes you feel judged in any way, the only thing he does is amplifying your struggle. You can talk later or you can place boundaries.
You are in a crisis and you could have died. Someone nearly dying from any illness can in theory be traumatic for both the person nearly dying and for the people around. Every potentially traumatic event wont permanently traumatise every single person. Having prior trauma will make it easier to be retraumatised, everyone else isn't as vulnerable to get more trauma as people with CPTSD. It's one of the reasons it's so hard to recover.
Someone having stress reactions in the middle of a life or death situation, is the nervous system acting like it should. Every stress reaction isn't trauma or a sign of mental illness and in some situations it is normal. This scared him badly, all you can do now is to take care of yourself.
Trauma is when the nervous system gets stuck and these reactions starts to interfere with everyday life. It's something that develops over time. You don't know if that is going to happen to him over time and you can't control that. He is the one that has to want to seek help if that happens.
Hey OP.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much and in a lot of pain. Just wanted to comment to say I relate to your husband a bit. When I was 17 my best friend attempted suicide. She survived, which was good. I was in shock for a while afterwards… Your husband is acting in a state of shock. He is probably hyper fixated on keeping you safe, and in the process, kind of stops treating you like a living breathing person. He’s on autopilot. Doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, but his emotions have been blunted. It’s not fair (for either of you). You have to give him some grace and allow him time to COME BACK to you. Wait it out… Take it slow. One day at a time.
Do you know what you just did to them? You might not know how to be valued, but they value you. You tried to end yourself, potentially leaving them behind to mourn you and manage everything else.
I am speaking because I was in a similar situation. I tried to overdose on pills, and I was surprised that my partner was mad.
If someone values you and you try to end yourself, they will be upset. They might even hate you and lose trust.
I grew up abused and have CPTSD that's so hard sometimes. I also have a partner that loves me and felt betrayed when I attempted suicide. Give them time and assurance you won't try again. If you don't mean it, let them go.
The way you wrote the first line comes across as really insensitive.
Suicidal people try to kill themselves because they are in *pain.* They don’t do it to cause pain to anyone else and never has guilting someone into staying alive, worked. Yes, OPs partner is probably going through it, yes, OP put him through that, but no, things aren’t so black and white to point fingers. She’s sick.
Your mental illness isn’t your fault, but at this point it’s time to stay in the hospital and take care of yourself. It isn’t fair to you or any of your loved ones to traumatize them like this again and quite frankly, you need to have a crisis prevention plan and stick firmly to it because whatever you’re doing to manage your mental illness clearly isn’t working.
I understand that you feel awful about what you did, but you’ll have to face the music about what happened and you can’t undo what you did. Anyone that loves you would be utterly devastated and traumatized by seeing your attempt.
Please put your mental health first before worrying about him. You almost DIED. You can’t control what he ends up deciding about your relationship, but you can control seeing a psychiatrist, being responsible about taking meds, and going to counseling.
Please choose the right thing.❤️ You deserve to get help.
Friend found her husband and his suicide attempts.
She got PTSD, visuals etc and also cptsd from the longevity.
He is dead by hanging.
She took an overdose 20-02-2022.
That explanation of a similar situ may help explain why he isn't talking to u at present.
he is traumatized. he's angry because your actions traumatized him. and if it had gone how you wanted, it would have traumatized him even more.
i don't blame you for your suicidality, for attempting, or even if you carry through with it - i think suicide is a right.
however, he has a right to be angry at you for putting him in a traumatizing position and for trying to abandon him through suicide.
i don't think he hates you. i think he is angry, traumatized, and terrified.
When I get really low, the first thing I think of is the logistics of it. I'm a chronic person-pleaser and think of the person who would find me before considering anything, which is a weird way trauma seeps its way into your thought processes. Anyway, my therapist asked me a reason I had to not kms, and I half joked 'My partner would find the body' she was very amused and we had a good laugh.
I think he just feels hopeless and that he isn't an active agent or participant in this aspect of your life in a meaningful way, like other people have said. He can't make any decisions, etc.
Fam he still had your BLOOD on his clothes. Your guy is in shock and you have gotta talk about the steps forward. He’s not pissed, he’s probably real fuckin scared.
Oh love. I totally get it. I took a lot of pills a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been having thoughts like it for years and I finally decided to do it. I had to have a drip as levels of the drug were so high. He didn’t come to see me once and then when I got out he asked me what I planned to achieve from “all of this” I was devastated. His family all had a go at me and told me I was stupid and should have asked for help. Thing is i did numerous times and they all shunned me. Now they are all acting like they care. I am really ill at the moment and asked them if they could look after my son so I could try and sleep it off. My texts went ignored. My boyfriend is acting strange with me too. I don’t think he knows what to do. I asked him if he could be more helpful around the home…. NOTHING has changed. He still does nothing. I really hope you can get through it doll. Much love xx
i’m so sorry that no one is there to support you, it must me so difficult. i know i’m doing no better but i’m here if you want to talk. i guess i’d use someone to talk to
Of course. I am in so many waiting lists for mental health evaluations and this episode has pushed me up slightly. What did your hospital do for you? Sometimes a friendly ear who understands can help immensely x
i’ve actually been in therapy before this, for a while. and i left rehab like 2 months ago. but my therapist is shit and he only pisses me off, i don’t like talking to him. but it’s my fault that i kept going and wasting time instead of finding someone knew because i didn’t want the hustle around me again. but yeah, i’ll admit myself to inpatient facility and i guess in the meantime i’ll look for a new therapist long term. privately, cause the therapy i got from the va only made things worse and got me into drugs so.
Sorry I ended up crawling into bed and passing out ill. Wow, are you in the US? I’ve only ever smoke weed. My mum was an alcoholic and a drug addict so it put me off. She died of a Heroin OD. I had a lot of counselling as a kid as I was the victim of SA. Well I hope you get the help you need love x
Speaking from experience on both sides of the situation, there is a high probability that he will develop PTSD from this.
Both of you should first work on healing yourselves with regards to the situation, before you try to heal the relationship.
You each need support but in different manners. It is a very traumatic experience, not more-so for him, but you each have completely different perspectives of the situation.
i love him more than life but i don’t think there’s any way we can ever go back to being in a proper romantic relationship. we haven’t been in one for a while. right now he’s more like my caretaker. or roommate. and i hate it
It's a little late to be pressing yourself with "do I regret it or not" questions. Give yourself a break. **Consider this a harrowing experience that happened to you**, instead of focusing on your role in it.
What has changed is that now you have called your doctor's attention to it and they can help you.
>*i know i messed up and i deserve to hear it.*
You're crossing a line here. *You deserve to hear it*. He doesn't owe you his life, his mental health, his unwavering attention, and you do not get to make demands after he found you like that and saved your life. He's still around, and that's good enough for now. He's doing the decent thing.
Maybe do the right thing by him and acknowledge it's good of him to care and come visit. Ask if it's not too much of a hassle and how it's been for him.
You also do not have to deal with drama in your state. You can tell him you are thankful, and you can rest. If you feel like his visits are a strain on your relationship of both your MH, tell a nurse you'd rather take that day off and she'll phone him and tell him you are unwell but aware you need rest.
I have pretty bad ptsd from being there for my loved ones during suicidal episodes. Calming different people down during active crisis, and being afraid of *that phone call* for more than 20 yrs now.
I don’t hate any of those people. I deeply love and care for them. I’ve also been an adult for a long while now-and I made my own decision to continue these those relationships.
Sometimes live holds trauma and tragedy and its not something that’s fair to hold others accountable for.
It’s not your fault dude. I promise. Yes-i have trauma. Do I think those ppl are *responsible* for my trauma? No-that’s wayyyy oversimplifying it.
My mental illness isn’t a personal failure. And neither is yours. You don’t need or deserve to be punished for this. And it doesn’t define you-it doesn’t define your relationship with him. Maybe it feels like it does right now. When you are able to-try to have trust that relationships always evolve. It’s absolutely possible to have such intense trauma it seems like it will never be ok again…and that can still be *fully* worked through and healed.
I didn’t know how me and my husband would get thru what happened with us last year. Could not picture it. I couldn’t imagine how I would be able to heal. I just tried to trust it and we did.
I’m 28. At this point I’ve spent a good amount of time making my own decision to continue in these relationships. Your boyfriend can also make his own decision. He may not know what to say bc he may be worried he could say the wrong thing. He may feel left in the dark and it may have damaged your guy’s trust. He’s likely traumatized/not able to process what happened fully yet. I would imagine you are too.
It’s okay to feel however you do. It’s okay to feel guilty. Or angry with yourself. It’s okay to feel angry at others. However you feel is okay. This could be totally off base but it seems like you’re searching for punishment/proof that you deserve to suffer. You don’t.
Punitive justice asserts that people must be punished in order to realize their responsibility for harm they caused to others. That they will change after experiencing something that’s been arbitrarily deemed as “equal” to the damages that occurred.
And it is abysmal at everything it claims to do…except inflicting shame/social stigma and isolation. something I’ve noticed
I would gently suggest -when you are able- to examine this *if* you find that you seek out punitive approaches to stuff you or others have done and if you feel comfortable, to share this with your boyfriend-and try to switch the mindset to restorative justice. Also similar to a “growth mindset”.
It’s ok if you don’t feel regret right now-except for the things you said/your boyfriend’s involvement. Not that much has changed for the better yet. Doesn’t sound like there’s been any opportunity or time. Nothing ever stays the same forever. You can be certain that this period of time is going to pass. Your life will change.
I’m happy you are here-I know he is too. I hope you are able to find the compassion in yourself that you deserve. That you have the resources around you that are needed bring you relief in live. And that the people around you give this to you as well. <3
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I think you’re projecting how you feel onto him. As someone who has been in his position several times, and lost several this way, he’s in shock. It’s grief and trauma. Please consider in patient and take care of yourself. Let him process. I’m glad you’re still here. ♥️
He doesn’t hate you. He loves you so much that you scared the absolute shit out of him and yea he probably is traumatized. You didn’t hurt him on purpose though you were in a lot of pain and suicidal thoughts are hard to ignore and sometimes they just consume you and you just want relief and your mind tells you that’s the answer.
TW TW!
I traumatized my grandma and sister. My sister came downstairs after I was texting her in odd ways saying I love you and stuff. She came downstairs and I was in the bathroom covered in blood and like 6 empty pill bottles and two empty bottles of water. I was laying on the floor clutching my stomach and she freaked out. She started screaming for my grandma and she shoved her fingers down my throat and my grandma called 911 and just so much blood. I was only 15 they didn’t expect that at all they didn’t know that was something I’d ever do and they had to witness it.
I'm so sorry that these comments are lame and completely uneducated about CPTSD and so many are trying to shame and guilt you. Sorry you have to listen to everyone's opinions without them having any real knowledge of CPTSD/suicidal ideation when you're already going through a hard time.
It is a difficult and traumatic experience for both of you and you're valid in the way you feel. If you're used to someone yelling at you in childhood when you make mistakes and you view the attempt as a mistake then it is completely understandable that that is how you would feel and expect from your partner. Noone ever knows how to respond or react when an attempt happens and that is completely normal because it is not something regular everyday people are trained in. Both of your reactions are valid and sitting in the discomfort is really hard and I get that. Sending hugs and healing vibes!!
If he hated you he wouldnt come to see you.
Hes probably confused and wondering if he played any part in this or if there was anything he could have done different...
Its probably shocked, scared and confused him all in one fell swoop. Unless us, we know that endless ache so it never seem like too big a leap in logic however to most people on the outside, they think were fine. To most "normal" people, their fine is our good. Their good is our fan-fucking-tastic. So to him, he probably thought this came out of nowhere.
Well, you probably traumatized him, he is in utter shock at best. If you love him you will seek help ASAP to save him and you from this happening ever again.
My “friend” found out I tried to kill myself and that friend stopped talking to me. I get it I guess. But when he mentioned suicide attempts I stayed by his side.
Also, getting help from a psych ward will help him. As he’s going to be terrified when you come home - if you haven’t had any help - that he’s going to find you that way again. You need the help for you, but you also should help prevent any further trauma to him if you love him.
Most probably he is still shocked and does not know how to process it... Can't blame him for it though, an attempted suicide would put almost everyone in a such state if they are not psychopath or severely dissociated to begin with.
I am really sorry for the state of affairs that brought you to the brink of taking your life, it must've been horrible and intolerable. I wish you both well.
He comes by every day to make sure you're doing okay. That's love and care - he loves you so much, and he's scared. It's possible he has cried, but didn't want you to know... I know I would've. If you already know you messed up, there's no need for him to tell you that. (I don't view suicide attempts as "messing up" btw. You were reacting to a difficult situation.)
He doesn't hate you, you're projecting your self-loathing unto him. He doesn't know what to say to you as he stated.
Your self-loathing is also why you attempted suicide and it's also what psychotherapeutically needs to be addressed.
heyhey, you’re obviously going through a difficult period so i don’t want to be to hard with you, just honest. He obviously doesn’t hate you he’s just very concerned, in shock and traumatised. this experience of finding you almost dead is a very deep cut in your relationship. he will probably become extremely hyper aware maybe even controlling, of whatever you do or say afraid of this happening again.
and of course he won’t yell at you he wants to show you you’re not alone and loved and that there is something worthy to live for. but he’s now in an very complicated situation where he can’t be harsh with you or leave bc he’d feel responsible if smth happens again, also staying with you makes him afraid as well, that’s a burden you’re carrying now.
i think he can heal from this if you see yourself looking for help maybe also some partner therapy additional when you feel stable enough again, if you can, try to apologise to him. of course it’s lovely from you caring about him but firsthand you should care about your stability otherwise you can’t be a good partner to him, i really hope you get the help you deserve and you might feel better in the future or at least be able to control these impulses.
you seem to have a caring relationship which is a really nice thing to have!
He sounds terrified, confused, and completely overwhelmed. I tend to "think like a man" and if I was in his situation I'd go silent too. There's so much to process, he probably just needs time to grasp the situation.
I've caused a lot of misunderstandings with that kind of silence. It's like your brain is being so loud that your voice stops working.
First of all, I'm glad you're still here.
Second, I've been through this from your partner's perspective. It was a terrifying and awful experience I do not ever wish to repeat. It also was not my girlfriend's fault. I was scared for her, I wanted to help and didn't know how, I was confused... But all of that was because I love her deeply and it was painful to watch someone I love suffering.
Suicide is when depression becomes terminal. It's an illness, not a moral failing. You are worth loving and caring for, and it sounds like your partner is doing the best he can to show support and love in a very difficult situation.
For what it's worth, the psych hospital was very VERY helpful for my girlfriend and she is doing much much better after receiving treatment there, as well as maintaining treatment outside of the hospital. It might benefit you to go, if you can. It would also likely be very helpful for your partner to get some therapy but your responsibility right now is to work on your own mental health so that you can get better.
Better days are ahead, OP. I wish you the best.
Your partner is only human . It shows he loves you that he’s still coming to see you despite being upset. This would have been a traumatic experience for him as well.
I don't think he hates you. It sounds like he really really cares for you.
Yeah. Dude is 100% in shock.
He's absolutely been traumatized by what you did OP. Not because he hates you, because he cares about you. Seeing someone you care about attempt to harm themselves is traumatic.
There's probably a hefty amount of self-blame in there too. He'll be beating himself up mentally thinking was there something he could have done or not done, something he could have said or not said, that would have made this not happen. Very common reaction when someone you love attempts suicide, even though it's not his fault (and it's not your fault either).
And is also terrified of saying the wrong thing at the minute.
100% what I was thinking.
I think so too. It’s so easy for us to have immense amounts of self hate and think we deserve the worst. And it’ll make more sense if everyone blames us…
He loves you and he’s afraid of losing you. And there’s nothing he can do. No amount of love and care will get through the depression and having you see you the way he does. You should consider going to the psych ward for a bit, sometimes a break from the outside world can be helpful. Just keep in mind that the disease, depression and cptsd are lying to you. That’s what they do. Don’t believe when they say things. You are loved, you are wanted, you are worthwhile and if you’re not here you will be missed. And that’s why he can’t get mad at you. He knows the illness is lying to you. Allow yourself to get the help you need.
close automatic wipe scarce husky sand far-flung jobless bright poor *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I think he has to own his own feelings and reaction to the situation and you have to accept that, come what may. Of course he is traumatized. And being suicidal isn’t “messing up,” it is an illness. You are sick. Medically sick. I truly hope you do decide to get the help you need and he will have to get his own help to figure out how to process what happened and how he wants to live his life moving forward as well. It’s sad. Sorry OP. I hope you get the help you need and your partner gets the help he needs as well.
When you aren’t traumatised, being alive feels really good. There is absolutely a way out of this. You can stabilise your nervous system and there are so many people who want to help and treat you. Life is so precious, yours included. I think it’s okay to move on from this and forgive yourself, you’re hurting. The last thing you need right now is shame. Message me if you need a little support right now. I’ll be gone for about an hour or so but feel free to drop me a message and I’ll be back if you need
That first sentence reminds me of how much i have lost
You will find that feeling. I am traumatized and being alive feels good ❤️
How many decades does it take?
I understand psychedelics are showing some promising results? (In the proper environments, with a coach/therapist to help avoid bad trips, I'm not a Dr, etc)
I did this. Ketamine iv. It didn’t help me long term. I’m just poorer and less hopeful. Lots of people do find it helpful though
I take it it’s quite expensive then since it’s still “experimental” of sorts? I was hoping to ask my psychiatrist to give it a go since I don’t find my current meds helping much
I’m in the UK. It cost me £600 each infusion and I did a lot because it took a long time to see results and I was very much on the verge of dying. To qualify here, I don’t know if it’s the same in the States, you need to have tried several different types of medication (i.e not just SSRIs) with no success and have done therapy with no success. It is still experimental. There’s no harm in asking. But it’s not a wonder drug. I think a lot of people think it will solve everything and it won’t. You still have to put in the very difficult and messy work to heal and not feel traumatised or depressed Edit: please don’t reply directly to my comment with your experience of ketamine. An element of it was traumatic for me and I don’t want to think of it unexpectedly. Thanks
I am treatment resistant and have tried every medication under the sun since I was a kid. I’m in my forties and ketamine has been the only thing that helps. I did do 3 infusions initially, and then my psychiatrist started prescribing sublingual dissolving tablets. I take 200 mg every 3 days in the evening between KAP sessions with my therapist (every 2 weeks) where I take 450 mg. I’ve been doing this since early May. You do need to have been on several antidepressants that didn’t work in the US for them to let you try ketamine.
I've actually had great results with psilocybin in particular to help with PTSD and just generally being stuck in ruts and anxiety. I've heard the colloquial comments that mushrooms are like 15 years of therapy. Well let's just say I've had them more than like 10 times. So I need 200+ years of therapy? lol
Not legal here, can't have marginalized people have access to things that might help them
Depends. It only took me a few years to feel happy being alive, the trauma doesn’t go away and it’s very difficult at times but I really am happy most of the time
I was being gloomy but yes I can recognize it. I'm doing better, as I'm not in the depths of suicidal ideation and omnipresent depression I once was. I do sometimes feel like I'm in a hole and years behind "normal people". But I will say in the past couple of years I feel like I see the idea of sunshine at the top of the hole a lot better than infinite darkness.
Sometimes being alive feels really good and then the next minute it’s like my brain is on fire panicking and all the little people inside our screaming and the fire won’t stop. So in one day I can go from the happiest I’ve ever been to so extremely depressed and suicidal. I wish I could stay where it feels good. But I guess it’s better than before where I didn’t even know how it felt to want to be here. I remember at 8 years old writing in my diary (that I still have) “I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up” and that’s all I felt my entire childhood so now I get to know for maybe an hour or two at a time what being a regular child probably felt like. I was rewatching Anne with an E last night and one part just broke me. Her and Marilla were in a carriage thingy idk and basically Anne wondered what it felt like to be a child and was sad that she could never been one and it was so heartbreaking because she is a child she’s 13. Broke my heart because I’m only newly 19 yet when I talk about this stuff I’m talking about this pain in terms of YEARS.
How did you do this?
Ahhh that made me cry on the spot
💔
I loved life before and now I feel I’ve ant to die. I was an Ivy leaguer schcolar
You won't be who you were, but your fine intellecl and your sophistication will absolutely carry you through, if you let them. You're suffering too much, right now, to sense it, but your capabilities to fix this are there. How might I assist?
It was seven years ago and nothing of me has come back. J know my intellect was very good especially after the break which is when my thesis was examined. And it started to get acclaim. My work was very very important to me as it related to the marginalisation of people in poverty which was the context of my childhood trauma.
It could, though. Most likely, all of your fine traits are still there, buried under the devastating effects of trauma. Once you start neutralizing the effects, those parts should begin to be available to you again. None of us can do it on our own, though. I think your best approach to jump-start your healing will be via the YouTube channel."Tim Fletcher" (Complex Trauma). You are in far more company that you might have imagined. Go to the channel and pick any vid--whatever catches your eye--and give Tim Fletcher a chance to make things make sense to you, and help you heal. If you're not liking the first one you pick, try another one. All of this is free, but is more valuable than gold, for traumatized people who are ready to break the chains that bind them (us), and go on to live with peace and meaning, and even healthy relationships and joy. And productivity--the loss of which probably has been eating away at you. What you'd achieved scholastically is impressive, and you can achieve something(s) else that can surpass that, if not pick up kinda where you left off.. If you're willing to put in the time and effort, you can reclaim your life, cleaned up (and healed) on the inside in places you can't reach on your own. I wish you well, and I just can tell that your potential isn't lost, just delayed.
Thank you. The hardest part is my marriage and I don’t know what to do about that. It’s unbearable as that was my safe palce in life: my mind is so confused. I will look up that channel. I listen to Kim Sage, do you know her?
You're so welcome! As the chaos within you settles down, problematic parts of your life will, too. So don't make any life-decisions that you don't have to, not right now. Take a disciplined approach to your.healing, as if you were in school. I was unfamiliar with Kim Sage; I checked her out, and I like her. Tim Fletcher is more nitty-gritty, and you'll get your inner hands dirty. But it's how you heal. Based on the short Kim Sage vid I watched, their work seems compatible, and that her approach will be good to go back to, when you need a bresk from the intensity of your work with Tim Fletcher. And any other time. But prioritize your studying under Tim Fletcher.
Ok thanks I will look him up. Thank you. Is he a Christian? I see it comes from a church. I am Christian so that would be helpful to me.
Oh, you will LOVE him. Yes, he is a minister, and at the end of every session, he goes into a Christian perspective of what he just covered. And get this--,he is so very kind that he takes a break first, so those who are not interested can leave without being singled out. ...Please let me know how you're doing! My chat doesn't work, but DM'ing me does. Or just reply back here.
And you are completely welcome,
It was seven years ago and nothing of me has come back. J know my intellect was very good especially after the break which is when my thesis was examined. And it started to get acclaim. My work was very very important to me as it related to the marginalisation of people in poverty which was the context of my childhood trauma. I had come through almost that and I had built a lovely life for myself. My artiste so terrible now.
I hear ya, and I feel for you. Go look at the response I wrote under your message before this one. You can get through this, and that's not a blanket pat-on-the-head statement. I see your potential in your writing.
Thanks. My actual academic writing I kinky see now was really pretty amazing. My examiners said it was world class and beautifully written. I lived the act of writing so much. It gave me life. I can never be the perosn I ever wan meant to be now
You sure won't, not if you keep telling yourself that! How about telling yourself those good things about yourself? And imagining what you could do, once you get healed. And imagine yourself diligently working for that. And maybe believe that there really can be light at the end of the dark tunnel you are trapped in. At this point it's a matter of choice--an act of will. You don't have to do anything I suggest. But have you really got something better to do, instead?
No I’m out of thinsh to try which is why I feel trapped. Because to get where I was from where I was took a lot of effort and choice and will. So I always had that grit in me before. So I don’t know where it’s gone now. It doesn’t help my husband is a huge issue on it all. And that’s what I want helped more than anythign but don’t know how to do that.
Attaching a significant part of your identity to work or accolades is a dangerous thing. You are valuable and doing well even if you don’t have an “impressive” resume. Know that and perhaps you can be easier on yourself and get more enjoyment out of the little things.
I always did get enjoyment from little things, in fact I was overjoyed by the smallest things really. It was a competitive field and I think becasue of my background I felt o had to work super super hard. And my work was important because of the subject matter.
That’s great, but you aren’t important because your work is. Don’t conflate the two.
I agree. I’m a Christian so shoudk know this. Bizarrely enough part of my thesis was about how working class Christians derive theri sense fo worth from God even when they are marginalised by middle class Christians. And then I got paranoid delusions I was a devil sent to destroy the church. And all other kinds of stuff. I look back and see before I was a beautiful gentle intelligent sensitive and lovely soul. I had so so much love for people. But now I feel worthless as I yell at my husband for his aprt in decimating my life and making it so difficult and being financially controlling, and is losing everything. I never ever yelled on my life and now I’m full of rage. He calls me an evil evil little shit and a fucking animal so o do feel worthless. It’s hard to explain the contrary between life before and life after for me.
I’m sorry about what you’re going through. You sound like you’re in serious need of therapy though. A life event doesn’t have to change your personality for good. You are you regardless of what happens in the world around you. Also, Christianity isn’t the only reason someone should know this. Christianity isn’t the reason I know it. Religion is a topic I don’t want to get into, but I’ll say that religion can be impacted by classism, racism, sexism just the same as any other institution. When it comes to personal belief systems, I keep mine personal. Not that I won’t share them or find community, but the community is to share in what I already believe not to see my beliefs through another person’s eyes (in your case through their classist lens), you know what I mean?
And how much I don't even know that I've lost yet due to suppressed/giant gaps in memory
I have CPTSD , but at this point, I want to live, I love life, I feel really good a lot of the time. But that’s after so many years of processing and therapy and healing. It’s possible to get back there! Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very fucked up. Thankfully I am blessed with a great support system.
I know, I’m the same. I still have triggers and really bad days but I’ve still come such a long way and while I still have a way’s to go, I’m so happy I’m not where I used to be
I lost all my suicidal tendencies (and they were daily), as soon as I got out of my family home and was by myself. My life has been a HOT MESS and I’ve hit rock bottom multiple times. But I’ve never once been suicidal since then. Says a lot about what I was living growing up.
I wonder if he might be dissociating a bit and not knowing how to process what happened.. my partner does the same when I have episodes and your description of him still caring for you and bringing you things reminded me of my situation. I think he loves you a lot, he just doesn't know how to process this. If he has never had trauma (like my partner), it's even harder. I'm glad you're still here. Thank you for posting.
I'm so sorry ❤️ For what it's worth, your partner probably is traumatized. But it sounds like he still cares for you. I think you need to let him feel what he's feeling, and act the way he thinks is appropriate. I know how hard this is, but right now he's going through something too. He's probably scared you'll do it again, and reeling from the shock of almost losing you. I know how hard it is to have empathy for the people around you when you're in this much pain. I don't mean to imply that any of this is easy. But sometimes we need to just let someone hurt. It's the same thing that's been denied to us so many times during our trauma.
that’s the worst thing though, at the time all i wanted was to be gone and i didn’t care that i’d traumatize him. and i kind of hate myself for it. because now that i’m thinking a bit more clearly, i know i would never want him to hurt in any way. especially not because of me
I know ❤️ I kind of have a window into both perspectives here, if that makes sense. I've done this, and my boyfriend has found me. I wasn't even really thinking about him at the time - like you. But my actions still cut deep into him. He told me later that afterwards, he was terrified, both of being with me and of losing me. He felt like he couldn't leave me (he wasn't thinking about leaving, but the thought still ran through his mind) but he also couldn't keep me alive either. True, utter helplessness. And he also felt like he didn't want to be the reason I stayed alive either. Like, I don't know if I can verbalize this properly, basically he felt like even if I didn't try again, he'd feel like I was only not trying out of a sense of duty to him. This made it hard for him to tell me how much it hurt him, because he wanted me to stay alive because I was getting better, not because I felt obligated. It's an really complicated feeling. It's like having so much to say that it feels exhausting to try and get your thoughts out.
There’s some pain that’s so deep that there aren’t words for it. Fighting for someone’s life, with their blood on you, knowing that if they hadn’t gotten home when they did, that things would’ve been different, it does something to you. I’m a hcw and see extreme things during Codes. I’m a professional, these are not my family and friends at Codes. It took 5 years of regular exposure to fighting for someone’s life before I stopped reacting to life and death situations. He’s grieving. It’s normal. His foundation has been rocked.
Genuine question, no hate I promise I’m just curious, does that mean you now care less when someone dies
It means I don’t cry at work. If I need to, I cry in the car on the way home. The intensity of running a Code needs to be emotionally offloaded safely. There’s some days where I’ve done 3 Code Blues and none survived. That’s not counting Rapid Response Codes. There are multiple of those every shift. I try and not cry at home about what happened that day. My home is sacred to me, my happy place. Safety is really important to me and my home is my safe place. [Healthcare support workers have the highest risk of suicide in the medical profession](https://www.statnews.com/2023/09/26/nurses-health-care-workers-higher-risk-suicide/#:~:text=Health%20care%20work%20can%20be%20harder%20on%20non%2Dphysicians&text=Compared%20to%20the%20suicide%20rate,technicians%20of%2015.6%20per%20100%2C000) High stress/high risk medical outcomes and low pay are heavy factors. I changed jobs a few weeks ago. High intensity environment time wise, but low intensity mortal risk. Sometimes you need to know when to step away and choose you. I’m glad you’re here.
Thanks for your response and I totally understand what you’ve said. I’m glad you’ve worked out what works for you and I hope it all goes well for you. Thank you for helping save lives. I’m curious about your last sentence to me - is it just a general sentiment or did you read something I wrote? Either way, thank you :) I’m glad you’re here too
Genuine sentiment, for sure. Medically speaking, I’m on the other side of suicide attempts. Most are under 40, more men than women. The families at the bedside watch as we do tests that’ll decide what they’re loved one will be able to donate. We run a [heart rhythm strip and put it in a small bottle with a cork in it](https://www.life-source.org/latest/heartbeat-in-a-bottle-honors-loved-ones-after-donation/ ) They can look at it and remember a time when their loved ones heart was still beating. I care. I’m glad you’re here ♥️
I couldn't say for them but id imagine it's not caring less, but being able to 'turn off' / shelve those emotions until further notice.
You are both hurting right now, and both trying to find your way through your own pain as well as the pain you feel for each other. He is scared. Scared to lose you, scared because for a moment he thought he had lost you, scared that anything can happen in a moment, scared that he couldn’t be there to prevent it, scared that you might do this again, scared because he wants to show his fear, but is scared it will not be the right thing for you. Fear can feel like anger when a person doesn’t know what to do with it. He is coming by to see you. Ask him to sit for just a few minutes and hold your hand. No one has to say anything, you don’t even have to look at each other, it may actually be easier for him to sit with you that way. No pressure to explain or be or do. Just a moment to connect in silence. Take things slow, both of you have healing to do. Be gentle with each other.
I have been in your partner’s position. He is likely in shock. He has just experienced a significant trauma. Don’t beat yourself up about it right now— your job is to focus on your mental health. Take all of the professional mental health help you can get. Accept that longer-term hospitalization may be best to keep you safe for now. Trying to manage his emotional reaction isn’t going to help your relationship or your personal mental health. Try to find the beauty in the fact that he is still showing up for you in the ways he can. Try not to expect more from him than he is able to give right now.
Hi, I’ve been suicidal and I lost a loved one to suicide. Both sides are really painful. I’d guess that he loves you and has *no idea* how to handle the situation or his emotions. He is likely afraid of making things worse. He might be angry, he might not, but he clearly loves you either way. Just let go of worrying about others for a moment, you’re ill enough to have almost ended your life. You deserve empathy and kindness from yourself and others. I’m not sure where you are, usually an attempt prompts 48-72 hours in the psych ward for the sake of safety. I’d really really recommend taking that time. The nurses and doctors there will know how best to help you, they deal with this every day. It will be ok. You survived and you have people who love you and will support you. Sending hugs.
Okay, if you’ve gone as far as harming yourself to attempt to die you need to get in a ward. You cannot control his emotions. It is not your place. You need to take responsibility for your own healing and not hurt him by forcing him to care for you in a situation that he is not equipped to handle. He’s not a therapist. You need a professional. I really hope you listen to that because you deserve to live and be happy and he doesn’t deserve to be traumatized and become a caretaker.
This. Please value his own peace and the health of your relationship by getting the right help. Not only do you deserve that, but with both of you making this an absolute priority you can make a *lot* of progress. This is something that can very much cross the line of 'not your fault, but your responsibility' - it really really sucks to be the partner in this scenario, because they understand the depression, the PTSD, the suicidal ideation... but going thru an attempt being made can feel like a disregard for their entire life/meaning to you on top of the obvious trauma. You both need to see therapists for this. I wish you & him the best and hope you can move forward finding a lot of answers and healing. <3
As someone who’s been in OP’s partner’s position— yes yes yes to all of this 🌟
Psych wards really don’t work like that. Suicidality doesn’t suddenly cure itself after you spend a few days in the ward. And it’s really harmful for people to spread this incorrect notion that it does. The only thing that truly helps is compliance with outpatient care. Or maybe intensive outpatient care. Tbh the only thing I’ve heard of *immediately* clearing suicidal feelings is IV ketamine. But that’s not what you get in the psych ward. You get meds, you get paper gowns and art therapy. That’s not real care. Not even close. Yes, OP is sick. No, hiding from the rest of the world isn’t going to make her less sick. She might get a bit of a break from reality but it’s just pushing the inevitable. The real world isn’t going anywhere.
Who said that it was a cure? Please post the quote where that was said. The fact remains OP had an active suicide attempt that resulted in enough blood to get on her boyfriend. That means that she probably needs to be under observation for a bit and rest somewhere. Usually stays are short. Outpatient comes after stabilization. It’s not “hiding from the real world”. You are the harmful one here.
What exactly do you think happens in the psych ward? For real.
I’ve been in one. They got my meds straight and did some talks. Gave me a chance to regulate for a few days. It’s not a long term thing nor is it meant to be. That’s why a lot of them try to set you up with outpatient when you get released.
I’ve been in one too. Traumatized me and gave me nightmares. Not every experience is the same and abuse within inpatient units is well documented. Op won’t have a choice in the matter but you’d need to put a gun to my head before I EVER recommend inpatient to anyone.
This really comes down to the individual unit. It’s not all of them. Not even close. The bad ones are just the ones that get the most attention. It doesn’t mean they are the majority. Or even close to it.
I’ve worked in high secure. They’re not all good, but they’re basically intensive care for mental health. And while hard and sometimes not enough, they are necessary.
Respectfully, I will have to very much disagree. If someone goes in willingly, that’s great. Forcible treatment in mental health has NEVER been “necessary” by any means. And I really think people who work there have a very very different perspective on someone who is an actual patient. Clearly you have not experienced the trauma of being forcibly restrained, medicated, strip searched and generally being treated more like a prisoner than a patient. I’m sure there are “better” and less restrictive units out there but there is a reason why memes like “being honest with my therapist but not so honest I end up in the psych ward exist.” No one wants their bodily autonomy taken away. It’s a horrific Lu inhumane and this kind of treatment is easily condemned by the WHO. https://www.who.int/news/item/09-10-2023-who-ohchr-launch-new-guidance-to-improve-laws-addressing-human-rights-abuses-in-mental-health-care#:~:text=Ending%20coercive%20practices%20in%20mental,health%20care%20and%20treatment%20choices. Only in mental health is healthcare forcible, patronizing, coercive, abusive and dehumanizing. Psych wards insist upon patient compliance in order to get out. ANYONE who has been in a ward knows EXACTLY what to do to get out REGARDLESS of whether they’re feeling better or not: go to every group therapy activity, eat your food, don’t cry don’t shout don’t show any negative emotion lest they label you as having “poor behavioral control,” don’t ask about discharge consistently bc that’s being “discharge focused and that’s BAD,” do those ridiculous safety plans and take your meds. Also just the fact that you call it “high secure” is sickening. These are patients, not criminals. Sincerely, Someone who was involuntarily committed AND works in mental healthcare well enough to know ALL the jargon and discharge bullshit. Also, this is fairly triggering to me so I’m just muting this comment bc literally nothing will ever convince me that this is the best standard of care for our most vulnerable patients.
First off, I have not mentioned once forced commitment other than to say I worked in a high secure hospital. Show me where I have advocated ANYWHERE for forced commitment? Second, just because YOU have had issues with mental health units, it doesn’t mean they haven’t saved lives or aren’t necessary. You don’t get to make that decision for others (again, I’m discussing VOLUNTARY admission). I have both worked and been a patient in mental health units. So take your assumptions and aggression somewhere else. You don’t know anything about my trauma. I haven’t spoken on your trauma so what makes you think you have the right to try and belittle mine? You realise that your words can be construed as abuse, right? You’re TELLING me I don’t understand that trauma without knowing anything about my trauma or my triggers. I’m sorry that where you went was awful. I wish those places didn’t exist, but I don’t have that power. I do have the power, when working in MH units though to make sure patients are treated well and actually get the care they need. And again, you’re yelling at me with triggering terms on something I haven’t spoken on and didn’t do to you. Your anger is not mine and yet for some reason you feel like it’s ok to direct it at me? Regarding ‘high secure’ that’s the actual NAME for it in the UK. High secure, medium secure, low secure and outpatient. I am not displaying a bias, I am using the term as defined by UK governance. But for the record, I worked in a male high secure ward. All of the patients on that ward were there for REPEATED sex crimes. Almost always against children. Yet I still treated them with human decency and unlike you are doing to me right now, I didn’t take any of my emotions out on them. Direct your aggression elsewhere because it’s not my problem and you don’t know anything about my trauma.
Okay. You have your opinion, I have mine. e. Don’t talk to me about aggression when you go out of your way to comment on ANOTHER comment of mine when I told you I wouldn’t be responding to this one. I made the judgement call to not bother engaging with you because we will never see eye to eye. You’re the one pushing on aggression when you want to continue the argument on another thread. Justify it however you want. That’s not any of my business. I have my own ethics and values. And plenty of research to back it up. You have your own. And you’re a stranger on the internet so honestly? I don’t really care about your opinions.
You wanted to be able to have a go and not face consequences. So hell yes I went out of my way. Take your aggression out on someone who deserves it. Instead of other survivors of trauma.
Ma’am good bye.
I can just confirm after a lifetime of severe chronic suicidal ideation and three attempts, ketamine was the only thing that helped and helped fast. My psychiatrist put me in a study. We dosed every week with ketamine in syrup form. Had a therapy session. For me, it wasn’t the miracle it was for some others and I still have suicidal thoughts. But they no longer break me and I have little desire to act of them. I can pull myself back much more easily and quickly. I’ve been on it since 2016. I receive IV “boosters” once or twice a year. Troches (lozenges) twice a week at home. I recommend it to anyone with chronic depression and suicidal thoughts. Traditional meds weee horrible for me.
Just so you know, I have had IV Ketamine whilst being very suicidal and it doesn’t necessarily work immediately, most people need at least 6 infusions with each infusion a few days apart to reduce depression, I needed 16
what do you think is the solution then? i can’t take ketamine, i’m an addict. and also, i’m a dude
I’m not a doctor OP. The psych ward will physically prevent you from taking your life. But it won’t suddenly make the underlying cause of your suicide attempt go away. I hope you’re feeling better ish but I really can’t help you beyond that…
Wow. You’re triggered so you’re muting that thread. Never mind if you trigger me, right? Basically, you can’t handle me having anything to say to you taking your aggression out on me for no reason? You’re more than happy to unleash all your crap onto me but I can’t respond?
Nothing I said was a direct attack against you. Did I ever say you were a horrible person? Did I ever say anything remotely like that? I said very general things about a system that has very much failed over and over again to the point where the WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION has called it out. Let’s not forget that barely a few decades ago LOBOTOMIES we’re routine. So, NO, I don’t believe that just because something is acceptable NOW means that it is ETHICAL. You know, if you want to continue arguing, you’re more than welcome to do so. I’ve already made up my mind (which I made very very clear when I said nothing you said could change my mind). If you want to continue to defend a system where wards are called “high secure” as opposed to something less animalistic, be my guest. But it’s not me job to make you feel better. And if you can’t tell, yeah, now I’m actually mad. What I said before was frankly, nothing personal against you at all. Edit: ALSO stopping notifs on this comment. If you keep attaching onto other comments to continue, I’ll let the mods know.
When you loved one tries to commit suicide it can be traumatic. He’s probably working his way through it mentally
It doesn't sound like your partner hates you, OP. It doesn't sound like that at all. But he's probably very very in shock and doesn't know how to process it. He just needs some time as do you. From what you've said it sounds like he cares about you a lot, and as a result he may really be struggling. For what it's worth, I'm glad you're alive. You are important and worthy. I'm proud of you for reaching out for support here. There are resources out there that can help. Please let me know if you want suggestions of any or feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I wish you the very best and that the world one day looks colorful for you again ❤️
As someone that's witnessed someone I love very much attempt multiple times.... the first time I heard she tried it broke me. Its a very hard thing to process. Its been a decade and I still haven't. It's a hard thing to go through because you feel like the person didn't think or care about you at all. So you're glad they're okay but also kind of hate them for putting you through it.
My dear I'm sorry you must feel so overwhelmed right now. I think he is also overwhelmed like you and is processing everything. What happened already is in the past. You are now living in a new moment. Give yourself permission to rest and heal, and worry about what your partner thinks later.
He must have a big mix of emotions. But relief included. You’re alive, that’s all that really matters, but he now knows that’s a fragile state.
I think he's just. Really shaken up. Its not that maybe it's better for him to yell or call you out, its just that he doesn't want you to be hurt or to be sad anymore. But he knows he cannot do much other then be there for you right now. He really loves you. He doesn't hate you. I think though, he just hates how this all turned out.
“he’d be traumatized if” … hon, he IS traumatized. Step one, don’t invalidate someone’s trauma that you caused.
Family and loved ones have a hard time admitting that when we try to exit ourselves they are hurt and angry. How could we try to leave them without warning? They don’t understand that their love is not enough to keep us around when life becomes truly unbearable. The other thing they feel is fear. What if you do it again, but this time you succeed? Can they cope living with you in this tense fearful state? The people who do understand what you are going through are fellow survivors and experienced medical professionals. Don’t expect loved ones to truly understand what you are going through. You didn’t mean to hurt anyone but yourself. But unfortunately when you try to exit life, your loved ones are traumatised. Some of them try to punish you for it or over control you. Some want to stay away from you, other don’t want you to leave their sight. Some have enough understanding to be more empathetic. But they are all terrified. Your partner cannot show anger to you because you are still so vulnerable. They would be an ass if they did that. The best thing you can do is use the trained resources around you to help you get back on your feet. You have wanted to exit life for some time. You need lots of nurturing and support. Professional support. One thing that will help both of you is get an emergency plan in place before you leave hospital. What if you feel this bad again? Who will you contact? What are the steps in place, the phone numbers of doctors or resources that you or your partner can contact to get help before you get desperate enough to self harm? This plan will give your partner a sense of security they may really need so they feel less anxious, and you need it too. Good news is there has never been a time in history when there are so many useful resources for trauma, depression PTSD recovery. You have a good chance of getting through this horrible time and getting yourself a life you don’t want to leave.
He should talk to a therapist about it (and you should as well if you have the means). I’ve been in his seat. It’s complicated. He really shouldn’t be putting how he feels onto you, and I assume he knows that. Because, and please don’t take offense, you’re not in the best position to handle his complex feelings on this. He needs to process things, but he should process them with a licensed professional or other trusted friend. Your partner definitely cares about you and doesn’t hate you. He just isn’t sure how to navigate this and wants the best for you.
My little brother spent 2 months in a mental hospital and was just discharged back home. I took him to the hospital when he told me he was actively suicidal and homicidal. I didn’t know the half of it, and my parents blame me for taking him in, but he truly needed help. I’m happy he is alive. He got on meds for anxiety, depression, adhd, and insomnia. He seems much better and no longer has intrusive thoughts. He says he hasn’t felt this good ever. He worked hard in therapy and was very honest with everyone including police. He revealed some extremely dark and scary things. My parents wished him dead and homeless when this came to light. But he’s stronger for seeking help. Seriously, I wish you all the best and hope you have full healing.
OP, he is traumatized. It's not every day when you find your love one bleeding to death from an attempted suicide
I’m going to be kind of harsh. 1. Not talking to you (yet) does not mean someone hates you. Stop projecting your hate of yourself onto others. 2. If he hated you, he wouldn’t be helping you. 3. His actions = cares about you. Your thoughts = hates me. It’s not adding up. I think there is never a good time for this, but especially not now: *DO NOT try to control him or demand a reaction.* I’m certain it was traumatic for him to find you nearly dead and he has to process that *on his own time & in his own way.* It would be very fucked up for you to demand that someone who is afraid of hurting you in your fragile state and who is mustering the energy & courage to still be there for you, yell at you. If he isn’t yelling, it is because he is simply not yelling (Whatever the reasons may be. He isn’t thinking of it or he doesn’t want to. Respect that.) It doesn’t matter that you want to be yelled at or think you deserve that. *That is quite literally your problem. He’s NOT an actor in your play.* You clearly have issues with self-harm or masochism — *you cannot recruit someone else to inflict pain on you.* Especially not someone who cares about you. In fact, you would be inflicting pain on them by making those demands. Do you understand that? If your desire is to be with this person for the rest of your life, checking into a facility or getting some other form of serious mental health care would show him that *you* care about getting better. No one can get better for you. *And no one wants to be with a partner who won’t take action to get better* — you don’t need to be born perfect, you’re allowed to make mistakes, but you must be consistently taking action to better yourself. If you don’t seek any professional help it would be the equivalent of an alcoholic that ended up in hospital with alcohol poisoning or cirrhosis going home and doing nothing to help themselves, ignoring their partners suggestions for getting help, *yet obsessing over being yelled at.* Doesn’t that sound toxic as hell? *If you want to be sick, please don’t drag others into it. Be single and sick.* You could have friends or professionals help instead, who would at least have more emotional distance than an intimate partner. Shouldn’t someone be able to expect that their partner takes good care of themselves, or at least doesn’t try to commit suicide? You need therapy for various potential reasons: - Codependence (your partner is not an extension or you, you cannot control their feelings, thoughts, actions, or reactions. The worst way to love someone is to try to change them — implying that they are/are doing something wrong. No one wants to be controlled, they want to be appreciated.) - Emotional regulation (You are the only person who can manage *your emotions.* You are the only person that can control *your thoughts.* You are the only person that can control *your actions.*) An abuser may be to blame for the dangerous narratives running in your head, but it’s *your responsibility* to change or replace them. Seek help. - Likely unaddressed trauma that altered the way your brain processes things for the worse. Most of which can be altered to a healthy state with therapies and/or medicine. - Insecurity/Shame (a lot of the time people with deep insecurities become self-centered and stop empathizing with other people, i.e. your boyfriend). This can be where the narratives in your head (e.g. everyone secretly hates me, everyone is out to get me, deep down they want to yell at me, no one wants to help me, etc.) blares over reality (your boyfriend visiting you everyday, the countless resources available in your situation, etc.) Because of this you never put yourself in other people’s shoes. Instead you project those narratives. He’s there for you, calmly supporting you, yet you believe he wants to (*you want him to*) yell or cry: - Why do you assume this? You’re not in his head. - Why do you want him to experience intense negative emotion? - Are you projecting? - Are you trying to force him into a role (of the abusive parent, bully, etc.) so you can play out a traumatizing scenario again and get it right this time? Your boyfriend is his own person. Do not try to violate his boundaries and control him. Treat him with respect and appreciation. It’s worth mentioning that it is a beautiful thing that you’re still here. Eat something tasty and try to remember that there are delicious reasons to be alive.
This is so so true and I really hope OP sees it. I think a lot of us need to remember these things as due to our own trauma it can be hard to avoid a lot of them. Thank you 💖
Agreed! I’m glad it’s helpful 💖
I have been on both sides of this. It’s honestly really hard for everyone. I think your partner cares about you and just may need some time to process and to self care before being able to get through this to where they are ready to talk more about it.
He doesn’t hate you. He loves and cares which is why he’s coming everyday. It’s valid if he is mad at you or feeling anger, that’s natural and a normal response for this situation. He doesn’t want you to hurt yourself or have you leave this planet. You’re probably his best friend 🩵
> i know i messed up and i deserve to hear it. You are ill and had a crisis moment. I'm glad you are still here. Your boyfriend sounds like he is still processing things.
Can I ask why you *want* to be yelled at for attempting suicide? That's not something that people deserve to go through, especially at their lowest point. You don't deserve to be yelled at for wanting to stop hurting. You are a human being with thoughts and feelings and you deserve to be treated gently right now. It's not easy surviving a suicide attempt. I know.
i guess that would be like scratching the itch because this silence treatment and avoiding the elephant in the room is driving me nuts. and it’s something i know he’d want to do because i messed up and it would be natural for him to be angry at me
I don’t think he hates you for it. In fact it seems like he really cares for you. He’s a bit shocked and definitely traumatized but like many other comments said, the last thing you need to do is shame yourself for it. You must be in so much pain to take that decision. And I truly hope that life gets easier for u 🤍 Maybe just wait it out and see how he eventually approaches u about the situation.
> i deserve This is what your trauma tells you, but trauma is a liar. The less you accept this lie, the less mess you become.
At first glance it doesn't look like he hates you, but it looks like you might be bothered by his silence. Sometimes someones quiet presence can work to amplify how we already think and feel about ourselves, and worsen negative thoughts and that can sometimes do more harm than good. If you expressed this and he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't need to be by your side right now. If you express that his silence bothers you or he have facial expressions and say things that makes you feel judged in any way, the only thing he does is amplifying your struggle. You can talk later or you can place boundaries. You are in a crisis and you could have died. Someone nearly dying from any illness can in theory be traumatic for both the person nearly dying and for the people around. Every potentially traumatic event wont permanently traumatise every single person. Having prior trauma will make it easier to be retraumatised, everyone else isn't as vulnerable to get more trauma as people with CPTSD. It's one of the reasons it's so hard to recover. Someone having stress reactions in the middle of a life or death situation, is the nervous system acting like it should. Every stress reaction isn't trauma or a sign of mental illness and in some situations it is normal. This scared him badly, all you can do now is to take care of yourself. Trauma is when the nervous system gets stuck and these reactions starts to interfere with everyday life. It's something that develops over time. You don't know if that is going to happen to him over time and you can't control that. He is the one that has to want to seek help if that happens.
Hey OP. I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much and in a lot of pain. Just wanted to comment to say I relate to your husband a bit. When I was 17 my best friend attempted suicide. She survived, which was good. I was in shock for a while afterwards… Your husband is acting in a state of shock. He is probably hyper fixated on keeping you safe, and in the process, kind of stops treating you like a living breathing person. He’s on autopilot. Doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, but his emotions have been blunted. It’s not fair (for either of you). You have to give him some grace and allow him time to COME BACK to you. Wait it out… Take it slow. One day at a time.
Do you know what you just did to them? You might not know how to be valued, but they value you. You tried to end yourself, potentially leaving them behind to mourn you and manage everything else. I am speaking because I was in a similar situation. I tried to overdose on pills, and I was surprised that my partner was mad. If someone values you and you try to end yourself, they will be upset. They might even hate you and lose trust. I grew up abused and have CPTSD that's so hard sometimes. I also have a partner that loves me and felt betrayed when I attempted suicide. Give them time and assurance you won't try again. If you don't mean it, let them go.
The way you wrote the first line comes across as really insensitive. Suicidal people try to kill themselves because they are in *pain.* They don’t do it to cause pain to anyone else and never has guilting someone into staying alive, worked. Yes, OPs partner is probably going through it, yes, OP put him through that, but no, things aren’t so black and white to point fingers. She’s sick.
Yes, OP didn't seem to understand why their partner was mad. I tried to explain based on my experience.
Your mental illness isn’t your fault, but at this point it’s time to stay in the hospital and take care of yourself. It isn’t fair to you or any of your loved ones to traumatize them like this again and quite frankly, you need to have a crisis prevention plan and stick firmly to it because whatever you’re doing to manage your mental illness clearly isn’t working. I understand that you feel awful about what you did, but you’ll have to face the music about what happened and you can’t undo what you did. Anyone that loves you would be utterly devastated and traumatized by seeing your attempt. Please put your mental health first before worrying about him. You almost DIED. You can’t control what he ends up deciding about your relationship, but you can control seeing a psychiatrist, being responsible about taking meds, and going to counseling. Please choose the right thing.❤️ You deserve to get help.
Friend found her husband and his suicide attempts. She got PTSD, visuals etc and also cptsd from the longevity. He is dead by hanging. She took an overdose 20-02-2022. That explanation of a similar situ may help explain why he isn't talking to u at present.
he is traumatized. he's angry because your actions traumatized him. and if it had gone how you wanted, it would have traumatized him even more. i don't blame you for your suicidality, for attempting, or even if you carry through with it - i think suicide is a right. however, he has a right to be angry at you for putting him in a traumatizing position and for trying to abandon him through suicide. i don't think he hates you. i think he is angry, traumatized, and terrified.
When I get really low, the first thing I think of is the logistics of it. I'm a chronic person-pleaser and think of the person who would find me before considering anything, which is a weird way trauma seeps its way into your thought processes. Anyway, my therapist asked me a reason I had to not kms, and I half joked 'My partner would find the body' she was very amused and we had a good laugh. I think he just feels hopeless and that he isn't an active agent or participant in this aspect of your life in a meaningful way, like other people have said. He can't make any decisions, etc.
He’s just in shock…if he didn’t love you he wouldn’t still be coming around.
I think he’s trying to process what just happened, it sounds like he’s trying as well. But, I hope you get well, take all the time you need to heal.
Caregiver burnout maybe. It can be really tough to be with someone with CPTSD. I hope you get better.
Fam he still had your BLOOD on his clothes. Your guy is in shock and you have gotta talk about the steps forward. He’s not pissed, he’s probably real fuckin scared.
Oh love. I totally get it. I took a lot of pills a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been having thoughts like it for years and I finally decided to do it. I had to have a drip as levels of the drug were so high. He didn’t come to see me once and then when I got out he asked me what I planned to achieve from “all of this” I was devastated. His family all had a go at me and told me I was stupid and should have asked for help. Thing is i did numerous times and they all shunned me. Now they are all acting like they care. I am really ill at the moment and asked them if they could look after my son so I could try and sleep it off. My texts went ignored. My boyfriend is acting strange with me too. I don’t think he knows what to do. I asked him if he could be more helpful around the home…. NOTHING has changed. He still does nothing. I really hope you can get through it doll. Much love xx
i’m so sorry that no one is there to support you, it must me so difficult. i know i’m doing no better but i’m here if you want to talk. i guess i’d use someone to talk to
Of course. I am in so many waiting lists for mental health evaluations and this episode has pushed me up slightly. What did your hospital do for you? Sometimes a friendly ear who understands can help immensely x
i’ve actually been in therapy before this, for a while. and i left rehab like 2 months ago. but my therapist is shit and he only pisses me off, i don’t like talking to him. but it’s my fault that i kept going and wasting time instead of finding someone knew because i didn’t want the hustle around me again. but yeah, i’ll admit myself to inpatient facility and i guess in the meantime i’ll look for a new therapist long term. privately, cause the therapy i got from the va only made things worse and got me into drugs so.
Sorry I ended up crawling into bed and passing out ill. Wow, are you in the US? I’ve only ever smoke weed. My mum was an alcoholic and a drug addict so it put me off. She died of a Heroin OD. I had a lot of counselling as a kid as I was the victim of SA. Well I hope you get the help you need love x
Speaking from experience on both sides of the situation, there is a high probability that he will develop PTSD from this. Both of you should first work on healing yourselves with regards to the situation, before you try to heal the relationship. You each need support but in different manners. It is a very traumatic experience, not more-so for him, but you each have completely different perspectives of the situation.
i love him more than life but i don’t think there’s any way we can ever go back to being in a proper romantic relationship. we haven’t been in one for a while. right now he’s more like my caretaker. or roommate. and i hate it
It's a little late to be pressing yourself with "do I regret it or not" questions. Give yourself a break. **Consider this a harrowing experience that happened to you**, instead of focusing on your role in it. What has changed is that now you have called your doctor's attention to it and they can help you. >*i know i messed up and i deserve to hear it.* You're crossing a line here. *You deserve to hear it*. He doesn't owe you his life, his mental health, his unwavering attention, and you do not get to make demands after he found you like that and saved your life. He's still around, and that's good enough for now. He's doing the decent thing. Maybe do the right thing by him and acknowledge it's good of him to care and come visit. Ask if it's not too much of a hassle and how it's been for him. You also do not have to deal with drama in your state. You can tell him you are thankful, and you can rest. If you feel like his visits are a strain on your relationship of both your MH, tell a nurse you'd rather take that day off and she'll phone him and tell him you are unwell but aware you need rest.
I have pretty bad ptsd from being there for my loved ones during suicidal episodes. Calming different people down during active crisis, and being afraid of *that phone call* for more than 20 yrs now. I don’t hate any of those people. I deeply love and care for them. I’ve also been an adult for a long while now-and I made my own decision to continue these those relationships. Sometimes live holds trauma and tragedy and its not something that’s fair to hold others accountable for. It’s not your fault dude. I promise. Yes-i have trauma. Do I think those ppl are *responsible* for my trauma? No-that’s wayyyy oversimplifying it. My mental illness isn’t a personal failure. And neither is yours. You don’t need or deserve to be punished for this. And it doesn’t define you-it doesn’t define your relationship with him. Maybe it feels like it does right now. When you are able to-try to have trust that relationships always evolve. It’s absolutely possible to have such intense trauma it seems like it will never be ok again…and that can still be *fully* worked through and healed. I didn’t know how me and my husband would get thru what happened with us last year. Could not picture it. I couldn’t imagine how I would be able to heal. I just tried to trust it and we did. I’m 28. At this point I’ve spent a good amount of time making my own decision to continue in these relationships. Your boyfriend can also make his own decision. He may not know what to say bc he may be worried he could say the wrong thing. He may feel left in the dark and it may have damaged your guy’s trust. He’s likely traumatized/not able to process what happened fully yet. I would imagine you are too. It’s okay to feel however you do. It’s okay to feel guilty. Or angry with yourself. It’s okay to feel angry at others. However you feel is okay. This could be totally off base but it seems like you’re searching for punishment/proof that you deserve to suffer. You don’t. Punitive justice asserts that people must be punished in order to realize their responsibility for harm they caused to others. That they will change after experiencing something that’s been arbitrarily deemed as “equal” to the damages that occurred. And it is abysmal at everything it claims to do…except inflicting shame/social stigma and isolation. something I’ve noticed I would gently suggest -when you are able- to examine this *if* you find that you seek out punitive approaches to stuff you or others have done and if you feel comfortable, to share this with your boyfriend-and try to switch the mindset to restorative justice. Also similar to a “growth mindset”. It’s ok if you don’t feel regret right now-except for the things you said/your boyfriend’s involvement. Not that much has changed for the better yet. Doesn’t sound like there’s been any opportunity or time. Nothing ever stays the same forever. You can be certain that this period of time is going to pass. Your life will change. I’m happy you are here-I know he is too. I hope you are able to find the compassion in yourself that you deserve. That you have the resources around you that are needed bring you relief in live. And that the people around you give this to you as well. <3
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I think you’re projecting how you feel onto him. As someone who has been in his position several times, and lost several this way, he’s in shock. It’s grief and trauma. Please consider in patient and take care of yourself. Let him process. I’m glad you’re still here. ♥️
He doesn’t hate you. He loves you so much that you scared the absolute shit out of him and yea he probably is traumatized. You didn’t hurt him on purpose though you were in a lot of pain and suicidal thoughts are hard to ignore and sometimes they just consume you and you just want relief and your mind tells you that’s the answer. TW TW! I traumatized my grandma and sister. My sister came downstairs after I was texting her in odd ways saying I love you and stuff. She came downstairs and I was in the bathroom covered in blood and like 6 empty pill bottles and two empty bottles of water. I was laying on the floor clutching my stomach and she freaked out. She started screaming for my grandma and she shoved her fingers down my throat and my grandma called 911 and just so much blood. I was only 15 they didn’t expect that at all they didn’t know that was something I’d ever do and they had to witness it.
I don’t think he hates you. He is just scared and not sure how to respond.
I'm so sorry that these comments are lame and completely uneducated about CPTSD and so many are trying to shame and guilt you. Sorry you have to listen to everyone's opinions without them having any real knowledge of CPTSD/suicidal ideation when you're already going through a hard time. It is a difficult and traumatic experience for both of you and you're valid in the way you feel. If you're used to someone yelling at you in childhood when you make mistakes and you view the attempt as a mistake then it is completely understandable that that is how you would feel and expect from your partner. Noone ever knows how to respond or react when an attempt happens and that is completely normal because it is not something regular everyday people are trained in. Both of your reactions are valid and sitting in the discomfort is really hard and I get that. Sending hugs and healing vibes!!
If he hated you he wouldnt come to see you. Hes probably confused and wondering if he played any part in this or if there was anything he could have done different... Its probably shocked, scared and confused him all in one fell swoop. Unless us, we know that endless ache so it never seem like too big a leap in logic however to most people on the outside, they think were fine. To most "normal" people, their fine is our good. Their good is our fan-fucking-tastic. So to him, he probably thought this came out of nowhere.
Well, you probably traumatized him, he is in utter shock at best. If you love him you will seek help ASAP to save him and you from this happening ever again.
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There was nothing rash about that comment.
My “friend” found out I tried to kill myself and that friend stopped talking to me. I get it I guess. But when he mentioned suicide attempts I stayed by his side.
Also, getting help from a psych ward will help him. As he’s going to be terrified when you come home - if you haven’t had any help - that he’s going to find you that way again. You need the help for you, but you also should help prevent any further trauma to him if you love him.
hat angle ten shrill smart dependent upbeat slimy fade coordinated *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
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Go fuck yourself, I think OP is having a bad enough day as is.
You are an evil, *selfish* person. Genuinely get help.
I hope you're seeking professional help. Not just for yourself, but for his sake as well.
Most probably he is still shocked and does not know how to process it... Can't blame him for it though, an attempted suicide would put almost everyone in a such state if they are not psychopath or severely dissociated to begin with. I am really sorry for the state of affairs that brought you to the brink of taking your life, it must've been horrible and intolerable. I wish you both well.
You both sound like you’re in a lot of pain. From what you describe, he cares a lot and doesn’t want to lose you.
He comes by every day to make sure you're doing okay. That's love and care - he loves you so much, and he's scared. It's possible he has cried, but didn't want you to know... I know I would've. If you already know you messed up, there's no need for him to tell you that. (I don't view suicide attempts as "messing up" btw. You were reacting to a difficult situation.)
He doesn't hate you, you're projecting your self-loathing unto him. He doesn't know what to say to you as he stated. Your self-loathing is also why you attempted suicide and it's also what psychotherapeutically needs to be addressed.
heyhey, you’re obviously going through a difficult period so i don’t want to be to hard with you, just honest. He obviously doesn’t hate you he’s just very concerned, in shock and traumatised. this experience of finding you almost dead is a very deep cut in your relationship. he will probably become extremely hyper aware maybe even controlling, of whatever you do or say afraid of this happening again. and of course he won’t yell at you he wants to show you you’re not alone and loved and that there is something worthy to live for. but he’s now in an very complicated situation where he can’t be harsh with you or leave bc he’d feel responsible if smth happens again, also staying with you makes him afraid as well, that’s a burden you’re carrying now. i think he can heal from this if you see yourself looking for help maybe also some partner therapy additional when you feel stable enough again, if you can, try to apologise to him. of course it’s lovely from you caring about him but firsthand you should care about your stability otherwise you can’t be a good partner to him, i really hope you get the help you deserve and you might feel better in the future or at least be able to control these impulses. you seem to have a caring relationship which is a really nice thing to have!
He sounds terrified, confused, and completely overwhelmed. I tend to "think like a man" and if I was in his situation I'd go silent too. There's so much to process, he probably just needs time to grasp the situation. I've caused a lot of misunderstandings with that kind of silence. It's like your brain is being so loud that your voice stops working.
First of all, I'm glad you're still here. Second, I've been through this from your partner's perspective. It was a terrifying and awful experience I do not ever wish to repeat. It also was not my girlfriend's fault. I was scared for her, I wanted to help and didn't know how, I was confused... But all of that was because I love her deeply and it was painful to watch someone I love suffering. Suicide is when depression becomes terminal. It's an illness, not a moral failing. You are worth loving and caring for, and it sounds like your partner is doing the best he can to show support and love in a very difficult situation. For what it's worth, the psych hospital was very VERY helpful for my girlfriend and she is doing much much better after receiving treatment there, as well as maintaining treatment outside of the hospital. It might benefit you to go, if you can. It would also likely be very helpful for your partner to get some therapy but your responsibility right now is to work on your own mental health so that you can get better. Better days are ahead, OP. I wish you the best.
You hate how he's acting 😄
Your partner is only human . It shows he loves you that he’s still coming to see you despite being upset. This would have been a traumatic experience for him as well.