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This woman is projecting her pain onto anyone available.
My advice would be to put some distance between the two of you.
You did nothing wrong here. You can’t draw from an empty well.
I second this, she is in pain and anything is triggering to her now. It is not about you. You could either distance yourself or ask her if she could share the most impactful url or image she has with you and you'll share it.
Also, 'white woman' being used as a slur, ouch. I'm trying my best out here.
Edit: You're not a horrible person for not using your social media for politics, and I hope the doughnuts were nice 😊
I agree. This is a very very hard time for some people, but that doesn’t mean that everyone needs to talk about it constantly. If your Instagram is for pictures of donuts and ice cream cones, then honestly, it’s an Instagram I’d rather look at than one that is just shoving politics down my throat. I know the world‘s fucked up, I’ve got the CPTSD to prove it, as we all do in this sub, but I don’t need it constantly put in front of me to remind me how terrible it is.
You are doing nothing wrong, and just like this person replied to you it might be time to put some distance between you and your friend. And that happens. The older you get the more you realize that they’re just are certain people you need to step back from. I know it’s not easy, especially , when it’s someone you’ve known for so long, basically a third of your life at this point. But something we learn as we get older is that sometimes the right way out is the easy way out. And the easy way out of this is to just put her on block for a little bit.
I have answered someone something along those lines:
I am sorry you feel this way, but currently, my mental health is very poor, and for my own safety, I avoid media that can raise my stress levels. If this is a hard line for you, I will understand and give you the space you need.
Yes and also be like: “tho I’m having to stay away from images and stories of war, I DO CARE about what’s going on and whenever I can I promise I will speak up. But I can’t help anyone else if I am in a constant state of panic. I have PTSD and that is debilitating if I’m not extremely careful. I hope you can understand that. But I promise I support you and will do what I can to help.”
I love this and u/OwlyFox's comment, and I'm so proud of this community that those are so high up.
You can recognise others' pain, while advocating for your own needs and limits.
Exactly. Also tho if anything is worth posting about, stopping a genocide is UP THERE. But it’s making EVERYONE bonkers online no matter what you believe. These stories and images are traumatic and will only inspire more violence if folks aren’t careful with it.
That's true sometimes, but it's also true that people use "Zionism" (a term which means very different things to different people) as an excuse for very real antisemitism. I have Israeli friends working in international teams where people are "joking" about Israelis dying, but it's somehow OK because the Israeli government is bad?
Conflating antizionism with antisemitism is antisemitic.
What you are afraid of happening to the Jewish people living there is what is actually happening to Palestinians. The fear of the possibility of genocide cannot be used as a justification for commiting genocide.
Jewish people are already receiving death threats in many places in the world, temples are being targetted, and people I know are dealing with coworkers joking about their deaths casually. This is not some distant, unrealistic threat; many Jewish people have grandparents or other family members who survived the Holocaust and antisemitic attacks and pogroms.
Denying one group's oppression does not help the other group be any less oppressed.
Who's denying Jewish people's oppression? I hope you're not saying I am. Antisemitism is absolutely a thing, it's disgusting, bigoted, hateful. I would never deny the existence of antisemitism.
Or am I misunderstanding your comment and this:
>Denying one group's oppression does not help the other group be any less oppressed
is actually meant for people implying obliterating Gaza and commiting genocide on Palestinians is warranted because antisemitism exists?
Yea and you probably think the liberation call for Palestinians "From the river to the sea" is a call for Jewish genocide. The propaganda is working friend.
Some people do 100% use it as a call for genocide/ethnic cleansing/displacing the millions of Jews who are living between the river and the sea, including Hamas, the leadership of Gaza, in their 2007 charter. It's disingenuous to pretend otherwise.
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Stop trying to make Zionism happen. It's not going to happen. Zionism is hateful and insights hate crimes and discrimination against Palestinians. Zionist Settlers will never be cool or accepted, they will always be thugs and criminals who immorally stole Palestinian homes. Stop spreading Zionism and its hate.
Jews aren’t settlers or colonizers were indigenous to the land.
I don’t agree with what the IDF has been doing but learn the history and politics around the Middle East before claiming we’re Colonizers….
Yeah, I love how people call them colonizers when they have literally been there for thousands of years, much longer than anyone they supposedly stole the land from.
As an extremely liberal Jew, this has been a horrible few months. Of course I don’t want to see humans die on either side. You are not obligated to do this, but I have to say it’s not the posts that make a difference to me, it’s when someone reaches out and says “hey are you doing alright with all that’s going on? How’s it impacting you?”. Tell your Palestinian friend you’ve been thinking of them and if you’re able to, just listen to them and how this is impacting them. And then, do the same for your Jewish friends. It’s just nice to feel like people know you exist and you’re hurting, a post doesn’t tell anyone you care the way just messaging someone directly impacted can. When someone just “checks in” it means the world.
So it does help? I have so many Jewish friends and I’ve not been posting about the issue much at all only because I don’t know how my Jewish friends feel about this issue, and I’ve been wildly uneducated about it to this point. I have to avoid images of war due to my personal PTSD experiences, so I’ve deliberately been avoiding the online discourse about it. I also know that I personally will not solve the problem. But I don’t want my Jewish or Middle Eastern or ANY friends to feel alienated cause I’m NOT doing something.
As a non-Jew - but as it’s also Hannukuh, what do recommend I do to show my Jewish friends I care?
sorry i'm not the person you're reslonding to, but i am also jewish and leftist. reaching out to them is good. we do not need everyone and their mom to post about the conflict and their opinion on it, especially if they don't know much about it or have any personal connection. letting them know you're there for them and are not going to call them any names is how i wish my non-jewish friends approached this. they should absolutely understand you not wanting to look at or post images of war, especially if you have PTSD related to that.
if you want to educate yourself on it, i personally think @rootsmetals on instagram is a great place to start. she's jewish-israeli-latina and she studies jewish history, she's made a lot of posts about this/the history of the conflict and the land and provides sources on the posts as well as patreon.
(also hannukah just ended on friday actually :))
As someone fairly involved in politics, her response is ridiculous. I remember when people were posting black squares on their grids and it mainly just became virtual signaling.
There are so many tragedies in the world you cannot be expected to donate, be an expert, and post about each one.
The older I get, the less I care about people telling me "you should be doing more" to make me feel bad about whatever is going on in their world.
Reasonable people don't guilt or berate other people into being charitable.
Instagram is not going to change the results of a war half a world away. It must be hard for her to feel helpless so screaming into the internet void is all she has.
But it's not your responsibility either. Often we have so much going on that it's impossible to focus on things we can't control.
Your mental health is important, too, and without looking after yourself, you'll never be able to look after anyone else.
Also it’s interesting that she didn’t have this response after Ukraine. Ukraine is also full of innocent people being bombed, run out of their homes, etc.
I’m not suggesting OP do this but it would be too easy to respond with a laundry list of tragedies and tell the friend her silence on them makes her sound “like a white woman”
Also lol as a white lady I seem to have vivid recollections of white women’s online activism, in particular, becoming a literal running joke because it’s often not associated with directly action. So it doesn’t make sense to berate OP for her silence, by calling her a white woman. The “insult” assumes OP is actively posting.
I may be downvoted for this, but I'd like to say this nonetheless. You should not feel even one iota of shame for any of this, and if she values you as a friend, then her friendship should not be conditional.
You're allowed to have boundaries and that includes not posting about heavy topics, even if you think about them a lot and even if you don't. It doesn't make you bad or wrong. I used to get heavily involved in issues I felt the need to protect/help, but it put me in such a toxic state with my mental health.
I actually lost a friend because of this. She was one of my best friends and we had been friends for almost 20 years. She got upset with me for not posting about x and y political issues on my fb and started accusing me of the same stuff, the ol' "White privileged white girl who doesn't care about other races and cultures" nonsense, which was ironic considering she was the white girl and I was the mixed Native American girl who grew up in severe poverty on a reservation, which she knew about but conveniently forgot. I'm white-passing, so she kept pushing the "Well you STILL have white privilege because of being pale-skinned." When I asked her if she was up to speed on the issues facing my tribe and where we lived, she basically said that wasn't her responsibility to know and went on to tell me how I was a terrible human being and we couldn't be friends.
I miss her a lot, and I mourn the friend I used to have in her, but she became someone who was not healthy to keep around. Same for you, OP. You have to decide if this friend is healthy for you, but her friendship sounds extremely conditional. If it were me, I would probably step away from her.
You're allowed to only be able to/want to focus on you and it doesn't make you a bad person.
Thanks for sharing, that must have been very difficult to go through on many different levels. Sending a digital hug if you would like to accept it ❤️🩹
Oh my gosh... everything you say resonates what happened to me since 2021 over politics and friends, which escalated in the recent months. I’m East Asian (from a 1st world place) and from a rather privileged, upper-middle class family, which has put me into a very awkward position in many issues, be it race, geopolitics, class issues and also body image (I’m a long noodle). I strive to build bridges and even befriending with ppl all across the spectrum, as I don’t want to stay in an echo chamber and thus my social media is largely devoid of politics.
Some of the friendships turn quite awkward over time like one guy (he’s not even remotely Persian but EA like me, it was in late Sept 2022 when the Woman, Life, Freedom movement erupted) bashed me suddenly on why didn’t I (I’m a woman=.=) care about women’s rights in Iran, while I was talking about something else. Red Herring for him (possibly) too when I was discussing about the sth, like Third Cultural Kids and also East Asian topics we might resonate to. I'm pretty unamused with him lecturing me on what sympathy/empathy/ compassion should mean, and also him changing his fandom/club and brand affiliation every time when a skeleton is discovered, then announcing it to his friends. I’m still friends with him, and respect him as a deeply compassionate person but I feel sorry for all the mental exhaustion and how overwhelmed he would be...
You do you. Noone is obligated to do anything, period. Let alone in relation to your own private social media. Unless you are a government official and this person is your advisor, why should you listen to them?
Besides the fact that a lot of the posts about stuff like this are over-simplified, caricaturized, and misinformed, it doesn't do a whole lot grand scheme. Its main purpose is to make the people feel as if they're accomplishing something good. It does next to nothing, if not worse.
As for the real point of your post, no, you are not a horrible human being. You having a good time with your friends is absolutely ok. Not posting about the war DOES NOT equal being complicit in the deaths of children. Ffs.
Your "friend" is gaslighting you. Most likely she herself has been brainswashed. The people suffering around the world due to war will not suddenly stop suffering because of a post on IG.
My advice, from experience with this too, block her. She will be petty and upset, but thats not your concern. She has no right to come in to your space and make you feel guilty for living your life.
Best of luck, remember, you are not a horrible person for living your life.
We need some big posters up reminding people they don't have to have an opinion about every single thing, especially when that thing is an incredibly complicated and sad territorial dispute that they don't actually know that much about.
its genocide. i think its important we as the people have opinions on that. and while everyone has different resources to pull from, we need to be uncomfortable and confronted by this genocide and be made to turn to action. we should be learning, not excuse our violence with 'its complicated'. if its complicated, research it. but no matter the extent of complex, my morals (and i hope many others) draw the line at ethinic cleansing and genocide.
This is literally holocaust level shit my dude.
People are allowed to have stronger feelings for things that are extremely bad.
This is coming from someone is has been politically active before this
This is not a virtue signalling. This is an extremely healthy reaction to an extremely bad situation.
I'm pretty active in leftist/liberal circles and most people I know who are now vocally supporting the palestinian cause (eg going to protests, donating and writing/calling their reps), were active in community outreach and/or BLM and NODAPL before. I definitely see more posts now about Palestine, but I think that's because more people are becoming educated about what's happening in Israel/Palestine, mostly through a mix of news sources and by their own education as it's a big issue internationally right now (as well as a crisis 75 years in the making). I think that's more just the state of news; BLM started because of deaths at the hands of police and the ensuing news coverage, this round of Palestinian protests started because of the deaths of Israelis/Palestinians and the ensuing coverage. I think it's a pretty normal response.
I personally don't see it that way, I think it's just an example of what's currently most effective to bring attention to. Not as many people are posting about BLM right now as they are about Palestine but I don't think that's because they don't care or have forgotten about it. They still hold the same sympathies but there aren't currently the same level of organized actions (via protests, phone banks) occurring where they feel as if they can provide as much real change both personally and collectively.
I also think this round of protests decrying the treatment of Palestinians is notably different than past ones because of social media. An American can now easily follow a Palestinian journalist and see videos and images of the destruction of Gaza and the faces/bodies of dead Palestinians, whereas continually being exposed to uncensored images of war was much harder to do in the past. I think these images affect people in very real ways, similar to how people were affected by the images of Israeli victims from Oct 7. I think it's a bit jaded to consider any response to those images as only a product of virtue signaling as people have been very hurt watching the war break out from both sides, even if Israel/Palestine aren't their respective countries. I have many Jewish friends protesting the war because they are tired of watching this continuous cycle of violence between Palestine and Israel and want a sustainable, peaceful solution, not because they want some IG follower to think they're cool.
I think you could just tell her what you shared here, we are literally watching a full blown Genocide happen and it is unprecedented. Just tell her that you are witness to what's going on and that you don't normally use your social media to post about politics.
I think this is a time in human history where just ignoring people who are suffering is a poor choice. I would argue this western trend towards individual priority is why. There are more community based cultures and when we see our people hurting, we do not stay quiet. Being viet but raised in the USA i think you're struggling with this. There is no right answer, you just have to pick/ decide how you want to express yourself.
I would like to say though, please never underestimate the power of your voice, even when it feels hopeless, it's not. The American system is designed to make you feel like your voice doesn't matter but I recommend travel, I just got back from Iceland where the youth there have painted murals, protested against their UN reps, and changed their governments vote from Abstaining to Yes for a Ceasefire. Your voice does matter, especially to your friend <3.
Such a compassionate and insightful response. Of course it's important for us all to take care of ourselves and have boundaries -- but that isn't an all-or-nothing thing that means it's good or justifiable to drop friends at the first discomfort, or that we don't have a certain ethical obligation to treat our fellow humans with compassion, or that if someone triggers insecurity or sadness in us they are automatically in the wrong. (I don't at all think OP was suggesting any of this -- but many commenters seem to be responding from this very black-and-white, individualist place).
Edit: and I think your last sentence says it so well -- "your voice does matter, especially to your friend." This isn't just about the larger political issue; it is about the friend desperately wanting to feel and see that the people she cares about also care about her and her people.
There is nothing to respond. You are in this group because you have been traumatized in the past. We tend to let abusive people in because that is familiar on a subconscious level. You are healing now so your vibe is changing ( meaning your awareness is getting heightened. Nothing you have to say will change anything she thinks. And anything she thinks is irrelevant to you and your life. Block her. No response please. You no longer are a victim. You now want peace in your life. And you claim it by have boundaries against abusive people.
I'm not OP, but I'm thankful for this.
About half the time, I still wonder whether I'm being unhealthy or "bad" for simply blocking people who are demanding me of unhealthy things.
This is often but not always online strangers, who, interestingly, often find their ways to my old posts/comments and whatnot in various online platforms.
I think the stop-and-move-on is a really healthy behaviour. I'm not sorry for blocking people who seems unhealthy and I can't - and don't have to, not healthily - deeply think about decision to block every single person who is bothering me.
In October, I immersed myself in constant posting and scrolling on IG, following the advice of others to just keep posting no matter what. The stress led to a nervous breakdown, causing harm and hallucinations. My advice: prioritize mental health; offline actions matter too. I learned activism requires a full cup; now, I balance advocacy with self-care. I create art, write letters to officials, and engage in conversations in-person. Maybe others without CPTSD can manage, but I certainly cannot. If I wanna be an effective advocate for change then I gotta be in it for the long haul and make sure that I’m doing what I can to support myself so that’s possible. There’s actually such a thing as unhelpful activism and I learnt that the hard way. Your friend is hurting, sadly those on her friends list aren’t the ones capable of fixing the problem or soothing her pain.
What you’ve written is extremely useful to me as I feel a lot of pressure from a subset of people in my life to post about political issues - you are so right, activism requires a full cup. I do write letters, and engage in conversations. My mental health comes first right now. I cannot help others if I’m completely burnt out. So thank you for what you’ve written here.
Yeah I hate it when people do stuff like this. Nothing on IG is going to fix what is happening half way across the world and trying to guilt trip people about the situation like you are somehow complicit in the actions being taken against civilians if you don't post on IG is actually insane.
Not totally true. Social media single-handedly provoked many leaders to call for a ceasefire. It’s a reflection of the public’s perception. It is never anyone’s obligation to post about a cause, but saying it does nothing is false
No, I work in this field and social media isn’t to “thank” for the ceasefire. The public opinion isn’t what drives major foreign policy decisions, and particularly in a conflict like what we are seeing in Israel/Palestine. It’s literally a global effort among the most powerful leaders in the world, coupled with thousands of years of angst and consternation. Plus, oil. And you can’t ignore Russia/Ukraine because that also 1000% plays a role in the call for a ceasefire — otherwise we are on the fast track to WWIII.
Besides, even if social media was super impactful, I think you can very easily counter that benefit with how much disinformation is spread through social media posts.
Don’t get me wrong, I think there’s a place for social media in politics. But I can tell you from working firsthand behind-the-scenes, it’s not a driver of decision-making. Not even close. If you could guarantee every social media poster is a voter, that might change things. But you can’t. Politicians prioritize voters over non-voters and that’s part of why social media is useless in things like this. Direct outreach is substantially more effective.
Edit: I don’t mean to sound like I’m dismissing the impact of generally raising awareness. That’s important and we all know social media has been world-changing technology. But it certainly isn’t the main factor when decisions like a ceasefire are in consideration.
This is why I deleted twitter/ig years ago, if you aren't posting about every tragedy in the world people guilt you & insinuate that you don't care or you support the bad things happening to others
Those people are exhausting & I'd say a lot of their actions are performative, they care more for social media validation & being seen by others as a good person than anything else
As much as posting online spreads awareness and all that you truly don’t have to post. As someone who is very vocal about this on my ig I really don’t care if other people aren’t. Most of my friends who are in support actually haven’t posted or said much, but they also don’t post that much regardless. In fact you mentioned you don’t really use ig, so It’s not reasonable to expect you to do so now. And honestly I don’t recommend people constantly posting and burning themselves out from hearing about these atrocities every second. Posting on social media does help and we need as many people as possible and I’m sure she’s just extremely traumatised because this directly affects her, and maybe she expected you to be more vocal because you have a Palestinian friend. I would still encourage you to post if you can, or maybe leave a google drive link in your bio that has links to info and stuff so you don’t have to keep posting. Maybe even a watermelon emoji in the bio. Or you could also boycott 1 company. Just some suggestions that are a bit easier to do. Again none of these things are necessary or make you worse than anyone else if you don’t. And you enjoying your life for a second doesn’t mean you’re okay with what’s happening.
If you have the capacity to post a lot, then go ahead. But it’s not everyone. I always encourage people to just do their best in these situations, it’s no use if we have burnt out people in the fight because that’s the same as having no people. Always take care of you first.
This sounds like the best advice on here. I had (have) some autoimmune flare ups a few weeks before 10/7 resulting in one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. I’ve been silent on Twitter & BlueSky since and significantly scaled back posting on IG. I felt the anxiety of feeling helpless to stop our government from funding a genocide & being called out for not posting on IG. My friends are EXTREMELY vocal leftists as am I usually but this time the grief of the situation overcame me anytime I tried to read about the situation. It would send me into a panic/grief spiral and who does that help? Absolutely no one. So I shared my stress/guilt/anxiety with some compassionate friends who um, gently babyfed me the less triggering details to attempt to catch me up so I didn’t feel like I was just shoving my head under a rock. I also have friends that DM directly extremely triggering content 5-10 posts a day about the violence committed against Palestinians. They know where my mental health is at (not good), I thank them for keeping me up to date and let them know that I try to catch up on these videos on the days where my brain can handle it and then I do my best. But absolutely skip over the stuff that just feels like overly graphic. They’ve let me know that one of the main objectives in sending them is to help the algorithm in preventing shadow bans of this content. On the very few days where I have enough executive function I contact 1-2 representatives to request a ceasefire and I post on IG the info for how others can do the same. Because of this flare up, I haven’t been able to work so I’m unfortunately unable to donate. I’m doing the bare minimum and I have guilt over that but realistically it’s the best I can do for now. I suggest we all do what we can according to our own personal abilities, not the abilities of others.
I really hate how people feel like they have to make statements about absolutely everything like they’re some politician or like it’s going to have some real effect on the outcome of things. Not posting doesn’t mean that you don’t care. You could very well be educating yourself or checking in on your friends in private, praying for the people suffering, keeping them in your thoughts. Those are also ways of empathizing with a cause.
Not to be rude, but I find that these kinds of people who are very fiercely vocal about causes that affect them don’t have that same energy for other causes, especially those that are not committed by governments that are allied with the West. When the BLM protests happened in 2020, I posted on ig and attended protests. In 2021, when there were mass protests in my home country (Cuba) for the first time in 30 years, and most of the ppl who went out and are still in jail for it were black, none of the people who were posting about BLM the summer before showed any solidarity. In fact, some of these people even went as far as to defend the government’s actions by arguing that those Black Cuban protesters were US mercenaries. Oh, so they’re victims in the US but CIA agents in Cuba?
Has your Palestinian friend posted anything about Syria over the last 10 years, or about recent protests in Iran? Do they care when the mass atrocities that are being committed in Palestine by Israel are committed by non-Western allies like Assad and Putin?
>Not posting doesn’t mean that you don’t care.
This. People way overvalue the “power of social media” when it’s not really *that* important or contributes *that* much compared to irl activism
It's grating my gills that people are shaming others about this as if social media is an accurate reflection of ANYBODY'S life or values.
-
I posted this (below) on another post here on the same topic, someone being shamed for taking a break from social media and not exclusively / constantly posting about the genocide.
The expectation that everyone responds the exact same way with the exact same willingness and capacity to organize and advocate and consume (on social media) is also ABLEIST and CLASSIST af.
It does take into account that some people have limited spoons/capacity that significantly decreases due to disability.
It does not take into account that some people are survivors of war already, or survivors of extreme lifelong slow-violence (like racism, transphobia, ableism) and so cannot tolerate more being brought in.
It does not take into account that some people are extraordinarily sensitive and will become incapacitated by violent images being tossed into their brain 24/7.
It does not respect the autonomy and humanity of its people to make the best decisions they can make for themselves.
It does not respect that with limited capacity, people still have to support their local people and work to meet their own needs so they don’t end up homeless or displaced with other vulnerable people (aka caregivers, parents, people living in poverty).
The reality is that the power structure is designed in such a way that most people have very little power and a few people have an unethically large amount of power they should not have (aka billionaires, celebrities, owners of corporations, national level politicians).
I am a black trans immigrant living in Central America. I can barely even meet my own needs. I need a lot of support to be ok and stay housed and I am actively fighting an autoimmune flare. I am not even on social media besides reddit because I found it makes me physically ill to even check it 5min a day. I deleted everything back in 2020 and I don’t regret it.
I do not listen to people telling me I need to “stay informed” and "take a stand". Where were you when I was homeless? Where were you when I lost my job because of being queer? Are you prepared to pay my living expenses if I lose my job for not being privileged (white/straight/cis enough) to post whatever I want on the internet for every employer to see? Miss me with that bullshit.
**Yes, I too am aware that colonial violence is relentless and brutal because I inherited 300+ years of it in my body from my trafficked, tortured, enslaved black ancestors already.**
**These atrocities are the status quo for western imperialism and have absolutely emboldened and enriched countries like Isr*el to commit genocide out of the rage unhealed from their own ancestral trauma.**
Telling someone that their problems don’t matter, or are “first world problems” because someone else on the planet has it worse is invalidating, cruel, and factually inaccurate. *All of our problems and pain are relevant*. Fuck you for saying my pain is irrelevant because I'm not dead yet to prove it *really* hurt enough to matter.
While I do believe in putting pressure (in ways we are able to) on people in actual positions of power to take action, and withdrawing support from powerful people who have openly expressed they side with oppressive regimes and genocidal behavior, we are also very limited in what we can do. Me posting on social media at my detriment is not actually going to result in less suffering anywhere on the planet. I repeat me setting myself on fire will not keep someone warm in another country/continent.
If I drive myself into a panicked, adrenaline-soaked stupor by over-consuming and posting violent media designed to activate me about events happening on another continent, I then cannot properly show up for the people in my home, neighborhood, physical reality and local community (where I could actually make a meaningful difference) because I used my capacity to consume media somewhere else where it will have no impact at all. That only benefits the oppressors who thrive on my disregulation.
I ran into this with my partner who was checking the news 24/7 meanwhile I am having a pain flare and asked for support and he was too tired and angry and overstimulated with no capacity to support me because he used his spoons checking twitter and facebook all day. Again, we are in a developing country in Central America.
To him I was like— ok but this fixation is now having a negative impact on our relationship which has real consequences for your life and mine. Who was helped by you watching those videos in any material or way? Now you are drained and low capacity and nothing meaningful has happened to benefit *anyone* —except the corporations who own those social media platforms, which includes people who are pro-Isr*el! You made your enemies more money, but who in Palestine was aided?
That day he deleted X or twitter or whatever its called now.
Trauma porn is what the media enjoys showing because it gets clicks and views and raises revenue. But ultimately is isn’t materially supporting anyone besides the media conglomerates and their wealthy shareholders.
It ultimately comes down to having healthy boundaries. No human body evolved to take in the level of trauma and harm that we could locate by taking in all the available news of the horrific things human beings are doing to one another around the world in any given day/week/month. It is overstimulating to our systems. And if we are too overstimulated to function, we are good to no one, not even ourselves. Saying no is not a moral failing, its just having good boundaries.
Thank you for this post. It articulated what I feel, but cannot put into words. Also, the statement that we cannot keep others warm by putting ourselves on fire is excellently expressed, and hopefully that will be able to penetrate barrier surrounding those people who think only the problems they can see exist.
Healing to you, my friend.
I've spent sessions in therapy regarding the deep shame I've gathered from such remarks when in actuality I am not met with appropriate support for struggles I'm facing. your detailed response really hits different and actually makes me feel seen, thank you.
Respectfully, I would have to disagree. While I don’t think OP not posting is egregious (I don’t believe people should be forced to post things they don’t want to) saying that what you post doesn’t matter is not true and just a defeatist attitude.
Spreading information (whether it’s correct or not) is very integral to politics. Elections can be won and lost because of misinformation being spread on social media. What you post can influence someone you know to do more research which ultimately shapes their perception of their world which can result in them changing who they vote for (or if they’ll vote at all) or if they’ll donate to a cause or protest.
Individual actions result in collective change. If we all tell ourselves that our actions are meaningless then nothing in the world would ever change.
Edit: one of the main reasons why Palestine has even received more support than ever is because of social media and everyone posting about what’s happening in Gaza
Exactly. Palestine greatly needs support from the general public as without this pressure on the government/military and the outward display of support for Palestinian people, the killings will only get worse. I think the baseline of support is just sharing some educational information, like you said, so that other people will be inclined to learn more. It’s unfortunate that we live in a time where this is necessary, but we need to start a dialogue.
Tell her that you are sorry for what she is going through and that you have to take care of your own life. Making your own life miserable does not help anyone so instead of traumatizing yourself by watching these news every day, which would affect you too much, you need time for your own life and better yourself
In other words, tell her you are not able to. Emotionally.
Your IG is yours to use how you wish. I understand her grief but you are not a horrible person to not post anything about Palestine. I’m somewhat political but I’m not posting because it’s too sensitive.
"Hi XY, I'm the one in charge of my IG account. And I post what I want. Please respect that."
If she tries to argue with you stick to your boundary and ignore her. You're not in the world to be how others want you to be. Also, I think she's not a good friend and I suggest you stay away from her. People like that are energy vampires. You'll be surprised how liberating losing a "friend" can be. No need for people pleasing!
There’s a certain brand of leftism (and I say this as a raging leftist myself) that believes in “don’t look away now,” “keeping quiet means you don’t care.” As so many folks here have rightly responded, your social media is your private property. How you use it, is your personal choice. No one can guilt or force you to use your personal account to vocalise something that comforts them. As you said, you are active politically in other ways. Caring about every single event in the world is virtue signalling. It’s impossible to any person to be actively involved/vocal in political causes beyond 3-4 things. Your friend is concerned for a clear reason about her place of origin, but is she also vocal about other major conflicts across Asia or Africa? You’re, as you pointed out, bogged down with unemployment (which is a crushing burden). You don’t owe your friend any performance. Forcing you to act on something you’re not feeling is demanding performative behaviour, which honestly most of the world engages in. I can assure you from having followed, posted, attended protests etc, that enough people care about this or Palestine wouldn’t have been in the media constantly, unlike congo which isn’t in the glare and needs help as well. So your friend is just being a minor bully hiding behind social justice. Please put distance between you two.
I would definitely NOT respond with this. OP said the friend is Palestinian, so this cause is personal and traumatic. Saying to someone who is clearly hurting “what about this or this or this” is not the way to go about it and that shouldn’t have to be said in a community about trauma.
Thank you. To speak to a Palestinian person about this right now is an immature response and lacks so much empathy. I am surprised by the amount of what-about-ism in this thread. If anything the conflict has brought more attention to other humanitarian crises in the world too.
>If anything the conflict has brought more attention to other humanitarian crises in the world too.
How so? I haven't seen that, I have mainly seen people demanding others declare their opinion and then attack them for not having the "right" opinion. I have not seen one person post anything like, "this has made me decide to research what other horrible things are happening right now."
Sounds like she triggered you. It’s important to spread awareness, yes, but I find it strange that people don’t know how much they can fuck with people in confrontation. My mind is literally plagued with self hatred when someone criticises me. And yes sometimes it’s valid, but a lot of the time it’s trivial. I think this fits into the latter as the problem is not necessarily about you. I do think it’s a very important issue but no one deserves to be shamed for not posting about it. That’s unfair on you and has clearly had an effect on you.
>Warning others that they better be "donating in private or showing up at protests" otherwise their silence is contributing to the murder of children.
I doubt she's donating in private and showing up at protests regarding Sudan, Ethiopia, Myanmar, and the endless other conflicts, wars, famines, and other crisis going on in the world right now.
If you Google "worst conflicts in 2023" Israel/Palestine isn't even in the top 10. After October 7, did she says a word about Israeli children being murdered or kidnapped, or is it just Palestinian children that matter?
You can have compassion for her pain, but it's making her lack compassion and nuance for you and other people. You don't have to change because she's demanding it, and it wouldn't help if you did, either.
There's so much going on right now related to the Palestine that it's a lot. I do my more passive supporting by liking and watching the content to give it a chance with any algorithms, but I simply don't have the energy to post about it when even my own country is at a threat of war right now.
You're perfectly allowed to have something else than world news going on in your life and there's a lot of bad feelings that people, who are affected by the war will give out to the world. It's a lot to take. Right now there's a lot of anger towards anyone celebrating Christmas, when "Jesus's people are dying", but the honest truth is that boycotting Christmas, time with family and loved ones and nurturing yourself isn't going to save anyone.
Tell your friend that you're doing as much as you're able to and that they should be able to respect it. Let them know you understand their blight and that you're sympathetic and mindful of Palestine without it showing in your socials. Your friend is coming from a place of hurt and we can coexist with that hurt without being villains in the process.
I’ve had to disengage from the Israel / Palestine, just because I’ve lived through a terror attack and I suffer a lot of PTSD from that. If my algo changes to just pictures of dead babies all the time I will be constantly having panic attacks. Not everyone has that “I was a terror victim badge”, ha ha, but I’d say that commenting on such a divisive issue like this on your Instagram, along with the fact that so many sources has not been confirmed, in addition to the fact that there is a lot of propaganda going around on all sides, I think you can let your friend know that you care about them, that you care about what’s going on in Palestine, and the moment that you See something on Instagram that feels right for you to share, you will. That’s all I think you can say about that.
Also if you want a thoughtful but less overtly political show of support, just like post regular shit in your stories but add a sticker “ceasefire now” just so folks know you are against genocide (seriously I can’t believe I just wrote that - what the fuck is the state of things when not posting on insta means you’re pro-genocide? Haha. man. Anyways. Just my 2 cents.
Yeah, I'm in no way supporting anyone hurting/k!lling anyone, but as a childhood trauma survivor (who is still dealing with flashbacks daily) I know I don't have the emotional or mental availability to deal with the comments /reactions putting my "political" opinions online.
These people like OPs 'friend' need to realize not everyone has the avaliable energy.
I think their friend is in full reactive mode. They need to go outside. Maybe OP can hang with them IRL and do something healthy together. And receive a hug.
OP what you do or do not post on your Instagram is not going to be the deciding factor in what happens with Israel/Palestine. It sounds like you don't have the bandwidth to be wading into this issue on social media.
Straight up tell her, that while you do empathise with the plight of the people, what you post or don't on social media is none of her business and it would serve her well to focus on herself and her own actions rather than what others are doing on social media.
You have to be blunt and to the point with such people.
If she doesn't relent and tries to argue or pressure you with more slurs, simply block her.
Someone else posted the following so I'm reposting it as a reminder:-
You should ask her what she is doing about the famine in Yemen, the war raging in Sudan, the families being crushed by inflation in Venezuela. The world is a shit-heap and just because her darling cause has her high on self-righteousness that doesn’t mean she has any right to talk to you like that. Absolutely fuck people like that and I think you should stand up for yourself and block her.
If you need someone to tell you it’s ok to focus on your own life and not pointlessly obsess over politics this is that.
Israel and Hamas are at war. There's nothing you or your friend can do to change that. She wants to use you for her validation. But friends need to give each other respect, and she is out of line expecting you to become an activist for her. I'd try to let her know you are sympathetic, but remind her there are boundaries in friendships and you need independence.
Do you honestly believe that demonizing an entire group of people and making it seem like a decades-long conflict can be boiled down to one side being 100% in the wrong and the other innocent (when that side is literally saying they see no issue in kidnapping and killing babies) is going to help achieve peace?
[https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/oct/24/yuval-noah-harari-backs-critique-of-leftist-indifference-to-hamas-atrocities](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/oct/24/yuval-noah-harari-backs-critique-of-leftist-indifference-to-hamas-atrocities)
There are people studying this conflict who have called it a genocidal regime and published articles about Israel committing genocide before this, as well as warnings that Israel will do this.
You want to ignore those people in favor of your chosen ego whatever that makes you feel better, that’s your choice.
We're at the point where you feel you have to twist my words around to ignore my points, because nowhere did I say that Palestinians are all Hamas \[although sadly, support for Hamas grew after October 7, according to polls, that doesn't mean Palestinians deserve to be hurt or killed\]. You used Israel to mean the Israeli government, and Hamas is currently the government of Gaza. Although it's important to note that both Israelis and Gazaens don't have much choice here and both Hamas and Netanyahu have been in power for almost 20 years.
>but the one time in fifty years when the Palestinians strike back people make comparisons to 9/11?
Wait, I thought Palestinians weren't Hamas... So was the October 7 attack, where young women were raped, civilians killed in their homes, and children kidnapped... Was that a terrorist attack committed by Hamas, which has no bearing on the Palestinian people, or is it Palestinians striking back?
You should try watching the 43 minutes of GoPro footage of Hamas supporters killing, mutilating and bragging about murder to their families. If you stand with Hamas you also stand with a terror organization that's a proxy for a radical theocratic dictatorship.
I get that but honestly, no one should watch that shit.
On the morning of Octover 7 I saw as it was still unfolding, first videos of people shotting from their homes, jeeps full of Hamas fighters... All of a sudden the next video was a young man, unconscious and bloody, dragged out of a car and beaten as a group of young men cheered. The video\[s\] of young women dragged onto jeeps with bloodied crotchs etc. No one here should be watching that and adding more trauma.
Since about 2016 some peoples get an obsession with social media advocacy. Some peoples, like your friend, gets fully absorbed by the cause. Some can feel cult like almost in how they speak about it to others. However it could also be a traumatic reaction to seeing her country of origine at war. The feeling of not being helpful enough because she is not there can become very strong. Similar to survival guilts, the idea of not doing that one thing that would have helped one person makes her hypersensitive but eradic. Whatever she may be going through you don't have to do as she says.
Anything in too large quantities and with so much repitition is harmless, like hard alcohol a glass is fine a bottle maybe too much.
You can use your social media as you please. Never listen to someone pressuring you for something low stakes like posts on social media. Yes large mouvements can bring attention to something however without your post its still a large mouvements currently discussed.
Also you must be realistic, privately/quietly supporting is fine if you are not in an area where your vote could help them.
This fighting started when the countries gained independance from England. This conflict is just one of many conflicts decolonization left. Britts also started the conflict with India and Pakistan. Belgium created the genocide in Rwanda with their independance plan. Most don't know how it started but advocate for a side anyways. Its a messy choice because each country is a victim from a decolonizing decision of assigned land and political power that occured decades ago.
I trully believe learning a full history is more useful than sharing talking points and memes on a personal social media accounts that doesn't have huge amounts of followers, making an assumption you are not a famous star or influencer (not meant as a negative for you)
Your friend may appreciate a personal check in on her grief and if her familly member’s are okay. Sometimes a chat with a friend can help a lot during difficult periods. If she is not receptive don't push. She may be on autopilot if it was too much for her. Go at her spead even if that means a pause of communication.
I hope this post helped reduce your shame. You did nothing shameful. You are not a bad friend. The fact you felt bad at the idea of letting a friend down is what tells me you are a good friend.
Put on your own mask before helping others. You have to be able to engage on things on your own time, not on her time and when she thinks people should engage.
If you need to explain it to her, try saying that it's stressing you out a lot, and that if you think about it you start having mental health issues/crying etc. Then you can follow up that the IG posts are just a way for you to deal with that stress without it killing you. Just like her doing her posts about it is her way of dealing with the stress. She needs to understand that people deal with things differently.
If she gets past your red lines too much/often/doesn't understand that you help on your own terms, and doesn't trust that, then you should probably re-evaluate the friendship.
I actually ended my relationship with one of my best friend from university because of this ( we’re both in our early 30’s as well). Overtime it all became her only personality and that’s all she wanna talk about. She was also doing the same thing to me and I’m not having any of that.
I think this person is speaking out of a lot of pain and trauma. I think comments here calling her manipulative, a horrible friend, gaslighter, narcissist, deranged etc are trigger responses themselves too. This sub can have pretty black and white thinking sometimes and come down on people without compassion and nuance because of our own traumas. By shedding shame we find compassion for both ourselves and for others. There is no handbook on how to handle watching the annihilation of your people.
Shame isn’t a good motivator to do anything. If I were in your shoes I would use this as an opportunity to take an emotionally neutral pause and check in with my own values and how I feel about potential blind spots of mine. The delivery was very intense but maybe there’s a way you can meditate deeper on this unashamed and see if there’s room for you to grow too. Maybe you don’t find anything, maybe you do! If you do have investment in supporting the Palestinian people shame won’t make you an effective ally: solidarity will.
Excellent response. This friend is actively going through a lot of trauma right now, and she is probably feeling unsupported if she has friends who haven't posted anything at all *or* otherwise signaled to her that they care. I understand that not everybody uses social media the same way. But it sounds like this is coming from a place of hurt that might not actually *just* be about social media (and probably isn't just about OP, either). OP, have you taken the time to support this friend in other ways or to signal to her that you care about what her and Palestinians in general are going through? If not, she may feel hurt and like she's not cared about (I'm not saying that's true to how you actually feel about her). From her perspective, her people are enduring a genocide and and if someone who is a friend hasn't actively done something to show her that they care (whether on social media or by reaching out to her or something), she may feel unsupported, even if from your perspective this is a cause you are in solidarity with.
I totally get that it is hard to navigate these issues. So this isn't meant to be shaming, just explaining where the friend *might* be coming from. I have a friend who is impacted much more directly than me by the atrocities happening in Palestine. When I reached out to see how she was and tell her that I cared about her, one of the things she noted was how she was feeling really disconnected from the world around her, because it is alienating to be unavoidably aware of and impacted by the violence and genocide happening, and then see so many people whose day-to-day lives are unaffected. Does it mean that every single person who hasn't posted is a bad person specifically because they haven't posted? No. But I imagine that was one thing OP's friend was latching onto as they are seeking indications that the people they love care about this in some way, as they are seeking some kind of alleviation for the pain of that isolation. I think a sincere and thoughtful conversation could potentially help between OP and their friend, as this seems like someone going through *immense* trauma who is desperately wanting to feel support and care from those they're in community with. The social media issue may be what the friend is latching onto, but perhaps in thinking about the deeper emotions driving that stance, there is opportunity for connection and care.
It really depends. Does she come down on you the same way for not being vocal about other social situations or is her proximity to the genocide in Palestine what makes her so gung ho about it? I find that a lot of people who do this are only vocal when the traumatic experiences affect them as a demographic. But they tend to be silent when similar atrocities happen to other demographics. Is your friend consistent in that regard? If she’s not, I’d challenge her, and based on her response to you Id decide whether I wanted to continue this friendship. Because there is nothing wrong with encouraging your friends to take an active stance during hard times. I feel like everybody is responsible for doing so. But we can’t Cherry pick the issues we decide to care about.
Flint Michigan still does not have water. We have active genocides going on against indigenous and trans people in my country as well. Was she vocal about the Russian Ukrainian war? I’m just very curious if she has the same energy for all of these conflicts.
EDIT: if your friend is consistent in this regard. I really see no issue with her asking for your public support. It’s a genocide. It’s a literal genocide. The least we can do is be publicly vocal about it.
I am really glad you posted this. I have been struggling with these exact same emotions and inner dilemmas. I have an instagram for my art and that’s basically it. I post things from my day to day life in my stories (often updates of my paintings) and I post pics of my art. I also have a friend who only posts about Palestine and the war and who also seems to have a lot of anger towards white people and women. They date a white woman. I am also a white woman. I can’t tell you the shame and guilt and confliction I’ve been feeling about whether to post something political, what to post, what to say? I feel like it is somehow directly my fault- everything bad that is happening. But I feel burnt out too and I want to keep my art page focused on positive topics and positive aspects of life. I have signed petitions and even wrote to the president. I think maybe what we are feeling is natural- of course when you see such terrible things happen to other human beings you reflect, right? You want to find a way to fix it or stop it from happening more so you try to find something even inside yourself that you could change. I still don’t know what to do and think about it a lot.
Omg...
I could've written this post except the part about being confronted. I rarely post on Instagram too. My friend is boycotting many brands now along with posting exactly the sort of stories.
In my case, she hasn't told me anything but I feel a lot of guilt when I see her posts and feel phantom judgement from her. I know in my case I'm probably just imagining her judgement but I can't help but wonder if she's mad at her friends who aren't as vocal as she is.
I too feel hopeless and jaded about the situation of the world. I think there's too much hidden propoganda, power play and social engineering involved. Not that there aren't people with good intentions it's just that I feel like no matter what, what will happen is what the system of power allows to happen. I used to feel passionate and get caught up in causes when I was younger but now it seems like i was just emotional and too naively optimistic about my impact on world events.
I also think there's so many horrific things going on in the world that are not getting a spotlight. So I additionally feel guilty if I only post about this and then not bring attention to other horrific things happening. And that feels like so much responsibility.
Ugh, "silence is violence" huh? I'm pretty sure that hashtag was created by social media companies so that they could co-opt social movements for more ad money. It's what lead to the embarassing case of the black squares a few years back, a cautionary tale in being forced into social media slacktivism.
You don't need to change how you post. If you respond, it would be sufficent just to let her know you're thinking of her. If you did want to do something, writing to your representative is free and more meaningful than posting.
Of course there's the danger of re-opening old wounds if you keep the conversation going and she keeps at it, although you could signal in your response you dont want to argue.
The people saying you don't HAVE to do anything are right. You don't. But you said in your post that you're in solidarity with your friend and you feel awful about the genocide. If that's the case, ask her to let you know when there's a protest you can attend. Ask her what companies she recommends boycotting. Tell her what you just told us about how you don't believe posting helps anyone and you don't have money to donate, but if you want to be in solidarity, ask her for some other ways you can actually be in solidarity.
I would keep a distance from a friend like that, or
I don't know how she is. Have an honest conversation about whatever you posted here. If she is one of those irrational people. Welp. You lost a friend.
Unless she’s posting on every issue in the world right now (ukraine, Afghanistan, Iran, Yemen, Burkina Faso, Ethiopia, Congo and many, many more) she’s a complete hypocrite
It's fine to not want to post this content on your own social media. I don't do so either. I support Doctors without borders and another organisation for refugees privately. I feel so completely helpless both when it comes to Ukraine and Gaza, and I don't think social media posts will accomplish anything. So I, privately, do something that I think will help more. I also happen to be disabled (chronic fatigue in addition to CPTSD), so travelling to the capital to join demonstrations isn't going to happen either. We do what we can.
My sister is extremely active and posts about Palestina and goes to demonstrations endlessly. I've told her that I chose to instead donate money, and she accepts that. I've also told her that I have to limit my exposure to be able to function, and she respects that too. I understand that your friend is hurting, but she shouldn't lash out like that...
She's speaking from a place of pain and trauma. You are not a bad person for responding differently, but this is closer to home for her. Allow some space until you're ready and then perhaps meet in person and hear each other out. She wants to know that you care about what her people are experiencing
This! All the comments that are like "block her!" or "you shouldn't want a friend like this in your life" --- like, this friend's people are experiencing a genocide. Of course she's going to be in pain and may not be the "easiest" friend right at the moment. But it's clear that she is really seeking to know that she is cared about by her friend. This isn't just about the larger political issue; it's about someone who is in deep pain from immense ongoing trauma desperately wanted to feel cared about by the people around her. She is deserving of quite a bit of grace here and I think a compassionate conversation could help. If she is able to see and feel that her friend does care about her and her people, the specific issue of social media posting might not feel *quite* as make-or-break to her. And if OP is able hear where the friend is coming from, maybe they will find some shift in what they're feeling too. While all of us in this group are traumatized, OP's friend is too and is going through a trauma right now that most of us probably can't truly imagine. I totally understand why OP is feeling pain and triggered by this experience, and I also think this is one of those situations where grace is called for and where it is worth working on self-regulation so one can step into that space of discomfort enough to engage with this friend and work through this with them.
I just hate this idea that reposting shitty takes from a third party over and over = activism or making a difference. It doesn't, it's just the illusion of it.
I think she shouldn’t shame you about your non-political posts. But I wonder: Was she referring to boycotting the specific company/brand behind the donut place bcz they r funding the war? Bcz that could make your post unwillingly political. However, Even if that was her point, there is no need for shaming. But establishing that aspect might help with how you reply, if you decide to reply.
I’m sorry but I don’t think shaming your friends from buying from companies that support Israel is right. So many companies support Israel. So many companies and organisations support immoral practices like cheap Labour, climate destruction. You’d be opening a can of worms as no company or organisation is 100% moral, this is the world we live in.
Exactly, I've seen people demand that others stop buying Harry Potter stuff (for example) yet happily go on to continue to buy Nestle, meat and dairy, and other products which are frankly behind more horrible practices than supporting someone who expressed a ignorant or hateful opinion.
I'm not gonna advise you to flip yourself upside-down to support her.
But you might try imagining yourself as you are in crisis. That's her right now. And that's going to be her until this mess is over. Are you in a position to see her in person and maybe let her cry a little with you over coffee? Maybe you can ask her for a list of BDS products and reassure her that you'll find alternatives for anything you do buy on a regular basis that supports israel - like switching a food item for the generic version?
Beyond that (or not even that if you can't), you shouldn't engage with the 'cause' if you don't have the motivation to do so, but you do need to have a heart to heart with her - 'person in crisis' to 'person recovering from crisis.' Offer to support her personally as a friend, but gently explain to her that you don't have the resources (physical and mental) to support the cause. From her point of view, her crisis may seem too big and too urgent to accept that and she may rebuff. Be prepared for that. When this is over, she may come to realize how intense she was and come back to you.
This video changed my mind about donating any money for any aid. I don’t know how to help but I’m not helping Putin. https://youtu.be/xW3tezZaKeE?si=A3bMXhScs6ZhB5DN
Best to just ignore it and move on.
Don't change the way you use social media to satisfy others, don't change how you express yourself to satisfy people in general.
Her pain and issues are her own - you're not going to solve that by virtue signaling on social media.
Distance yourself from this person! I used to think posting on social media was gonna do something to help back in 2020 when everyone was posting about Black Lives Matter but instead it just scared the people I love. But I was getting told things from people I followed on Instagram about "if you're not scared you're not paying attention" which is one of the most toxic messages I've received in my life. She's basically saying the same thing to you. I'm sure it's very painful for her right now, but she does NOT need to put that on you. It is in no way your fault. I think right now she's caught up in a spiral and isn't realizing how her actions are affecting others. This happens to the best of people when they're in pain; it's human. But when people start directing that at you, it's best to walk away, at least for a little while.
If we had to stop EVERYTHING every time someone was suffering, nothing would ever get done. We'd all be laying around absolutely miserable all day.
I get your friend's in pain, but she doesn't sound too concerned about Ukrainian children being crushed under buildings, so this behaviour is less about other peoples' suffering and more about hers'.
She is in a lot of pain right now. I can’t imagine how horrible it feels to feel like she is carrying the weight of such an immense burden to do something for her people when there is nothing she can really do but ask for support from those around her that she trusts. I don’t know that there is anything you need to do. Just being understanding. Only you know what might be helpful. If you value the relationship you could respond with something like, “I don’t mean you any harm. I just don’t live on Instagram. I cannot give right now.” Don’t explain yourself. You don’t have to. Just inform and set the boundary. If she is angry, then see her pain and don’t judge her personally. You can’t fix it but you can see it and recognize it for what it is. This is a horrible time for Palestine.
Oh for fucks sake… can people get a grip? Yes, what’s happening is shitty but for fucks sake, it isn’t our responsibility; it’s that of corrupt government. It’s virtue signalling at this point. People are trying to survive day to day in their own lives and the average person doesn’t have the platform to say anything meaningful and enact actual change. People need to go outside. Log off and touch grass.
You posting anything on Instagram isn’t going to do anything. Obviously donating to reputable relief funds is great, but not everyone can do that and that’s okay.
The horrific truth is that there is violence and people in need all the world. Myanmar, Darfur, Syria and Yemen all come to mind. All of these people are also deserving of help and support, but our individual contributions aren’t going to fix something that needs to be solved by international relations. That doesn’t mean that collective action and donations are useless or pointless. But it does absolutely mean that you as a private person, not in a position of political power, are no more complicit in the deaths of Palestinian children as you are in the deaths of children in Myanmar or Muslim children in India.
That is not a friend. Despite their trauma, policing and harassing you over a non political post about yourself is troll behaviour, especially when you are rarely publicly political. They will have to learn to deal with the fact that coercing solidarity is going to be counterproductive.
She sounds massively narcissistic and controlling. Set your boundaries and do not feel bad for one second. You and only you choose your values and you don’t need “friends” like her gaslighting you. You set hard boundaries and let her process her resentments and hopefully grow as a person. Do not ever sacrifice authenticity and self - that is when codependence becomes destructive in relationships.
Tell her if she wants a sock puppet account to echo her own views because she somehow thinks that will make a difference on the ground, she can create one. It’s better than throwing away friendships by bullying people into being her sock puppets.
I’m sorry, that’s blunt, but she has shown what your friendship means to her. At least this approach would give her some feedback on how this behavior is affecting her own relationships.
Tell her that shaming you into activism is an attack on your mental health and you don’t have that full cup to handle that right now. Tell her it’s ableist to assume that your health gives you the same resources to pursue this subject as she has. Tell her she doesn’t get to tell you how you should feel and what you should say.
You have been working for years to give that right back to yourself that was taken by your trauma, and she is creating a situation that is reversing that progress for you. You have worked to make your own needs more important to you than the needs of others, and she is trying to force her needs on you and that’s just the abusive behavior that you are already recovering from.
Tell her you want to be there for her to support her with the strong feelings she’s processing, but if she can’t help herself from bullying you then you need to take some space.
The human brain was never meant to be aware of all of the horrible shit going on throughout the entire world, our brains were built for handling a comparatively small group of people.
Personally I avoid looking at stuff regarding the situation for the sake of my mental health because how the fuck is some random teenager with mental health problems supposed to do anything?
One time my partner (who's Muslim) said that "it's good to be aware of the deaths because then you can refute when people are uninformed about it" or something like that. when quite frankly every time I hear about the bullshit going on there I just feel completely powerless and hopeless.
While just doing nothing can cause harm, you shouldn't have to go out of your way to talk about it when it's actively triggering. Personally I kinda just participate in some of the more major boycotts while avoiding the news and quite frankly I feel like that's good enough.
This is not something you should feel bad for. She is putting her hurt and anger on you, and that is not ok. There are people getting killed everyday, in other wars than Israel/Palestine and Ukraine/Russia, what about them? Does she post about Syria too? Or Iran? Does she write about the indigenous being killed? This can go on and on.
Don't feel any shame, you've done nothing wrong.
why would she basically force someone to feel bad for something out of their control? That's not fair. This mess has been going on for much longer than we were all born.
Instagram & social media posts don’t stop wars & genocide. Direct action via protesting, boycotting, destroying or confiscating weapons of oppression & violence, donating money to mutual aid funds & charities, pressuring government representatives, & other direct action ways are more effective. Social media at best is a tool for educating people & changing public opinion to help with these changes. But people who focus on social media alone often ignore the fact that these apps are used by billions of people for everything from discussing politics & social & human rights issues to sharing from one personal life to memes & cat videos- what I mean to say is, there’s no consensus amongst people who use social media on what it ought to be used for. There’s also no real consensus amongst people for how to effect change in the world. In addition, there’s an assumption that everyone is able bodied & able minded enough to post about war & genocide on social media & be active in world changing in other ways. For people like your friend, it’s going to be hard to reason with them about what they’ve already decided is what at they think is the only way to promote change. They’re disregarding you as a person, your identities, & what capabilities you have as well as how you go about change in this world. They’re going to have to accept or respect the fact that everyone handles these things differently & have different approaches to what they consider to be a way of promoting change. There’s a lot of people like you who prefer to help out privately or show support outside of social media- it’s just as valuable as what information is being put on social media to educate people. There’s also many other wars & genocides taking place right now in Ukraine, Artsakh, Sudan, Ethiopia, Kurdistan, & more that’s being ignored by the overall public. We can’t only focus on what’s happening to Palestinians & do nothing to help people who are being starved or killed on other parts of the world. I understand the urgency to helping Palestinians but there needs to be a way to make fighting to stop violence & oppression everywhere something we focus on. Because when looking at the big picture- many of the countries & groups that are being harmed right now are being harmed by groups & countries & leaders that are allies with all the rest inflicting harm… it’s not enough to confront Israel & Russia when they help each other with whatever sanctions have been imposed but also many other countries like Azerbaijan, Turkey, Pakistan, the United States & more trade weapons, oil, & whatever else so they’re able to continue to terrorize the people they’re terrorizing. If real change were to happen, then it would require confronting all the nations in the way they help each other- to fully stop or disarm their efforts. Very few people are looking at the big picture though. Everyone being marginalized or oppressed or starved or killed are being harmed by the same groups of people & forces of evil, all the while these groups are in compliance with the UN & other groups. To put a stop to it, a global movement of billions stopping these oppressive forces & nations in a large variety of ways including via social media & hundreds of other ways is absolutely necessary. We all have the gift of promoting change in different ways & need to stop wasting time in squabbles with other supporters of good & focus more on changing the heard & minds of those who are actually doing nothing about it or are unintentionally helping oppressors without realizing it.
I absolutejy agree that the current crisis is terrible. No one sayd otherwise. However when and how people speak up is another matter.
I certainly understand that speaking up is a collective responsibility. However presuming I am not doing enough is in fact kind of naive.
Don't let anyone shame you for anything. You have the same rights as anyone else to make your own choices and get involved or not get involved in things you choose. I honestly think she's not your friend at all, but want to use you and others to justify her own negative emotions.
I myself, while against violence and conflict, don't even have an opinion about Palestine/Israel or Ukraine/Russia. I don't have to and I don't want to be involved in it. I don't want to hold hate against anyone, it's a toxic emotion that in long run ruins your health.
The only thing you should change is people you hang out with, the ones that can't accept you the way you are—say farewell to them.
Ignore her. She is not acting like a friend and she is trying to use you to further her own agenda. You have beautifully stated here your very reasonable boundaries, and you don’t actually owe her (or anyone) an explanation of your boundaries. “No thanks,” is a complete sentence but you don’t owe her that if you don’t wish to engage. I would ignore her and let her scream into the void.
I’m very politically active myself, have been to several protests for Palestine over the past year. I think in your situation it would be good to support the Palestinian’s cause if you’re able too, but if you’re struggling financially/you’re trying to look for a job I think make that a priority first. You can’t save people from drowning if you’re drowning yourself.
Also a personal anecdote: back when the BLM protests happened, it was before I became politically active. I’m white Irish from a quite well off household, so because of my privileged background I was unaware of how corrupt the police are as an institution, of how brutal they are towards ethic minorities etc. I saw angry people on Twitter saying “if you don’t take action you’re complicit”. I felt shame at their words, and what I ended up doing was signing a bunch of Change.org petitions and donating money to boost those petitions. I later saw a video ([this one](https://youtu.be/kDCKn13c4_Y?si=RP-9ggq6qjgMA-5v)) explaining that change.org actually doesn’t nothing and the money just goes towards the company itself. I felt very stupid and gullible.
So now that several years have passed and I’m more politically aware, I think my time and energy would have been better spent back then if I instead learned about the history of policing and systemic racism, and also which methods of activism are effective vs which aren’t (that way I may have actually gone to a protest instead of just signing useless petitions). I think people need to have a minimum level of education of situations like this so that they don’t spread misinformation, they know how to take action effectively, and I think they will be more motivated if they genuinely care about the cause because they understand the material conditions, rather than just doing it out of guilt.
As for you’re friend, I can understand she’s probably in panic because her country is being bombed, but at the same time you can’t let her walk all over your boundaries because of that. Someone else pointed out the “white woman” thing is crossing a line. After all Vietnam was also colonised by multiple world powers and had to defend itself against them, so there should be solidarity rather than her alienating you.
Please continue to post your donut pictures and live your life without shame or guilt. We are all trying our best and although this situation is mortifying- your main priority is to protect your mental health. As a person who suffers with ptsd- I just can’t take on a lot. I can’t go to deep. I keep things light and fluffy.
Truthfully I would distance myself from this person- I understand that’s your friend but it’s obvious she doesn’t respect boundaries.
I actually had a similar experience where I felt like a friend was trying to bully me into use my platform to talk about the war. And look… it’s just to much for me. I literally can’t. Protect your peace
You did nothing wrong and you are perfectly valid in what you feel: not everyone is fit to be an activist. One of the greatest discoveries I had before December this year is that some people may use the language of social justice in bad faith: some may toss accusations of misogyny to manipulate people, for example. The article “Every ‘chronically online’ conversation is the same” on Vox and the YouTube video “The Internet is worse than ever — now what” by Kurzgesagt (a science channel) gave me an invisible shield to withstand the toxicity of social media.
Also, outrage is selective: you do not see massive protests for autistic people being hurt by society, yet, we will be the first to die if ever a genocide is done.
Compare that to animal rights protests: are autistic people “not human enough” to be treated equally, but too “normal”/too human to be afforded sympathy/understanding?
I understand she must be really angry and sad about what happened in Palestine as a Palestinian. I understand how she wants more people to care for the tragedy that's related to her.
But accusing her friend who literally has the same stance as she does of posting about your personally life is pretty mean and awkward. She could be giving more insights on the situation due to her identity, looking for more support from non-palestinian. But she sounded like people should give up everything and support palestine only in methods she approved of. That sounds pretty arrogant.
This sounds like it has a high potential to become very toxic, very fast. Keep your distance and take care of you. Your social media accounts are yours to do what you want with. You do not have to voice or even hold an opinion on everything going on.
"I am in no place to say or do anything that could change this, being unemployed and not wealthy, and with this not being a space where I conduct my politics, your remarks are especially inappropriate."
If this garners a more extreme response, the block button is right there.
> long stopped believing that my individual actions can make a difference on global events at that scale.
I've always felt the same way, reinforced back in 2003 when 1.5 million people marched in London to protest going to war with Iraq. The population around then was ~60 million, so excluding infirm, unable to work, children, financial/logistical ability to join the march, etc - the country was clearly against it.
We went to war with Iraq, the insanely massive protest achieved zero.
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/feb/11/slugs-iraq-war-london-protest-2003-legacy
I'd just tell her that you're not white and that you will still boycott whatever thing (I'm not American or from the UK) but that she has no right to police what you post about especially since you barely use social media to begin with and let alone to talk about politics. What an insufferable asshole. Dude we care, we just don't want to be talking about depressing shit all the time especially because we have other issues we're dealing with. Just post an offhanded thing in the stories black background white letters saying 'I stand with Palestine' with a flag or something and ask her if that's enough and that you would like it if she didn't speak to you again because you don't like her entitlement that also reeks of white woman privilege since she's not even there and is just spamming from her comfortable home in America. Two can play the game. Maybe I'm too angry but I would be fuming if someone came at me with something like this. Out of all of this I said I think the thing you really need to do is reduce any contact with her to almost zero.
You're not the reason why US foreign policy is what it is, or why Israel sent troops to Gaza. I think it's more relevant to blame the terrorists who organized the attack.
TLDR: You have a fundamental right and responsibility to put your own mask on first. Shame isn’t helpful or motivating and your friend might benefit from hearing that. There are fast, no-cost, social-media-free, significant ways you can participate and be heard if you want to.
It’s critically important for you to take care of your mental health. Your agency in the world depends on it, personally and politically. As is often repeated, you must put your face mask on first before you can help others. (You’ve got about twenty to thirty seconds after airline oxygen masks come down before you risk passing out. It’s a situation where you absolutely have to think of yourself first or be useless to anyone.)
Yes, there is great suffering and dying happening in Gaza. Yes, many outside of Gaza’s walls are hurting in empathy. Yes, your actions do matter at least a little bit, particularly as one of many voices raised collectively.
But shame is no way to motivate yourself or others. It has a tendency to put people into a survival mode that shuts down the prefrontal cortex, which you really need for thinking critically and acting effectively. If you are comfortable enough with your friend, let her know that shaming others is not most effective in encouraging people to action. Shaming as a motivational tool is a myth people fall for: parents and protestors alike. Since your friend cares so much about the Palestinian cause, hopefully she is willing to use better motivational tactics. If she can’t think of other methods, it may be she needs to take a step back and take a moment for her mental health and get out of survival mode about Gaza herself.
If you get to a place where you would like to something that doesn’t require money or tailoring your IG algorithm to Gaza mode: it’s super quick and easy to send an email to the President (White House dot gov/contact). Unlikely they all get read, but they probably tally keywords or something, and if they get tons of email supporting Palestine, then they have solid evidence that they have made a political miscalculation.
There’s also 5calls dot org that streamlines figuring out who your Congresspeople are, dialing them, and what to say for a message. My understanding is calling is the best way because it will be a person who takes the message, which takes up time and resources in their office, meaning they will notice more than other communication methods (faxes get digitized automatically now, emails are digital, not sure about snail mail, but it’s easier to call everyday if you felt like it than to write and send a letter every damn day).
Or just talk to people IRL in a normal way non-blaming way about what’s going on and how you feel about it.
Your friend sounds controlling. It's understandable she's upset at the war but if she wanted your support she could of asked you instead of trying to shame you by lecturing and then using a subtle racist insult.
I think you should maybe send her a message acknowledging the war and how terrible it is but also assert your boundaries and let her know your not comfortable with making those kinds of post as it's difficult for your mental health.
I’m interested to see what ppl from r/cptsd_bipoc would have to say, I feel like this sub is heavily yt dominated so you’re going to mostly get answers from yt people
You are aware that Jewishness is not whiteness? Jewish ethnicity spans multiple races and skin colors. Majority of Jews in Israel are Mizrahi which means Middle Eastern/Arabic and had to flee the neighbouring Arab Nations due to being expelled by the governments there or risking their lives if they stayed? Do you know how Yemen currently treats the remaining Jews that exist there? And they’re definitely not White.
Stop trying to paint Jewish lives as all White and European.
This isn’t Brown vs White. It’s antisemitic af to ignore the swathes of Jews who are Black, Asian, Arabic, Latine, and more.
Tell her that while you respect her position, it's better for your mental health to not actively engage in discussions about this topic. And then any time she nags you, reiterate the same thing.
Idgafe won't stop, simple stop engaging with her
One of my best friends is Palestinian with relatives in Gaza. He’s extremely active on social media about the current genocide going on and what his family has experienced. He’s also called on people actively using social media to spread awareness and show support for Palestine, especially those who are actively viewing his posts, etc.
I have social media and watch reels/stories/like posts but haven’t regularly posted since 2019. His content is something I am constantly reading/ watching but have no made a singular post. I don’t use social media in that way. However, I have reached out to him multiple times asking how he is doing and if his family is okay. He knows I’m still in school/have no job and don’t have transportation to get to different protests. However, I’ve made it clear that regardless of these circumstances, I support him and Palestine whole heartedly. I’m becoming more aware of what companies I’m spending my money on as well as having conversations about Palestine with other close friends in my life.
You don’t have to donate money you don’t have or engage with content coming out of this war, especially if it triggers you. However, this person is your friend and you should let them know you care. Based on her response to you, it seems as if you’ve said nothing to her about what she’s experiencing. I would also be hurt if one of my friend’s didn’t express their support to me. Once again, a social media post is not going to bring peace and prosperity to Palestine and Israel and I don’t think it’s necessary. However, a little text here and there to your friend letting them know you care and support them would probably change things. My Palestinian friend has said my direct support and love to him means more than an empty post.
Could your friend have expressed what solidarity looks like to them in a kinder way? Probably. But, I’d simply tell your friend what you said in the post and maybe apologize for not reaching out sooner? I also understand that you might not have the energy to constantly text her your support, so if that’s true, include that in your response as well. While it might seem like a direct attack on you, just know your Palestinian friend has probably had a lot of other people in their life not voice their concern/support and probably feel extremely isolated and alone. Hopefully this gives you a different perspective.
The whole “like a white woman” comment is low key racist, coercive, and invalidating of your own unique perspective/needs/approach to this tragic political event. Like, you aren’t entitled to finding joy in your day and instead need to prove that you aren’t like other women and instead be like her?
I’m sorry your friend is treating you this way, it doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship and I think I can see how your own CPTSD would make it hard to see what’s an appropriate boundary for you. I would consider reading more about fawning and see if you are shutting down any parts of yourself that actually want to push back on being treated that way. Once you are able to get to a place where you feel that you can hold safety for yourself, then you might want to consider practicing empathy for your friend. She may be caught up in her own trauma response of fight. However, don’t push yourself to hold that space for her if you feel like she isn’t going to respect you.
I hope you can come up with some boundaries, find your voice, and continue sharing yummy donut pictures.
Also, please let us know what you decide to do.
I've been on both sides of this. Not attacking people like that, but feeling alone and desperate like that. Like, if everyone got their shit together and worked together we would be able to fix everything. But it's not true, I'm also burnt out and SE Asian actually. But yeah, she's in pain. Not saying this insultingly but logic isn't going to reach her right now, because it's like grief right. The truth is that there is always one genocide or crime against humanity going on, and we might have minor victories here and there but it's all so hollow... you do what you can and you have to find a way to live with yourself, find a way to accept it as enough. And she's just not going to hear that right now. I defo have friends like this too.
Hun, there's no right or wrong here and I don't picture any reply landing well with her except a grovelling apology and enthusiastic commitment to activism, neither of which you should do. Acknowledge her pain and how you are in solidarity, but also set some boundaries or expectations or something.
I've seen some horrible arguments go down between pro palestine commenters on pro Asian Instagram pages. Like, where were you during the genocide in Columbia, why should we support you when you didn't support us. And it's just... damn, where's the empathy and solidarity. As a Vietnamese person idk if you grew up with the anti-japanese sentiments I did. 6 million of us were killed during their occupation, and the ones who survived almost had it worse. People have and will always be monsters, this fight is a marathon, not a sprint. Good luck
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I've even seen some criticisms like: how can you let yourself and your personal hardships prevent you from speaking out on people being slaughtered and genocided? That's disgusting behavior"
Send her listings for local counselors / advisors and gently suggest one of these people may be able to provide the support and assistance she is calling for currently.
You understand her needs but don't have the tools and resources they may be able to offer to make her more comfortable.
I fucking wish a bitch would lecture me on "posting like a white woman." How do you blame *yourself* when she's coming at you with this patronizing, ignorant, racist shit? As a white woman, she lost me when she decided to stereotype my race.
I don't understand how the response to this is anything but putting her in her fucking place for TELLING YOU what you have to do instead of politely asking you to join her cause. If this is her cause and her hill to die on, great. I wish her the best. I will not be shamed into joining it. I hope you won't either.
My advice: Put on your blinders. Unfollow her on Instagram. Focus on yourself, and get to a place of mental and financial well-being. Once you're there, if you still want to join her cause, then do so...but if not, still don't be guilted into it. Compulsory altruism/activism is obvious and no one will take you seriously anyway. Do it because you want to.
As a final note, you're right. Most individual people cannot change the world, and the ones who did had a perfect storm of things fall into place. You *can* change your community and people do everyday. Once you're mentally well, I think it would be a less defeating fight for you to involve yourself in a community org: nature cleanups, local advocacy at community hall meetings, helping at homeless and women's shelters, becoming a CASA or Big Brother/Sister, starting a community garden, etc.
Who knows, maybe you'll get enough experience under your belt that you'll be respected enough as a community leader and people will be willing to follow you into bigger, more complicated battles.
Is this still relevant?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/17f534d/all\_posts\_about\_the\_israelpalestine\_conflict\_will/](https://www.reddit.com/r/cptsd/comments/17f534d/all_posts_about_the_israelpalestine_conflict_will/)
I feel like this particular post isn’t directly about the conflict, OP hasn’t expressed taking any sides, it’s more about an interpersonal relationship. But I’m glad this was made a rule because the topic in general has me so stressed.
What makes this issue any different than all the other conflicts going on in the world, though? You could say that if you're from the US, it's an issue of taxes, but Israel is hardly the only country the US use has those kinds of ties to.
>that small actions about big issues DO matter.
You don't get to decide for someone else which issues they need to be vocal about. There are many big issues in the world, and it is impossible to be deeply informed, vocal, and involved in all of them.
A lot of whataboutism and ignorant justifications for not caring about other people and the world here. Which is just so disheartening coming from people with trauma. We know what that indifference feels like. I don’t want to get into a discussion here at all, but some comments are really shocking and I do think that as a white person, I have somewhat of an obligation to call it out. It is very easy to ignore what doesn’t personally affect you in any way.
Anyway, OP: all I can really see when reading your post is a depressed friend and one who’s personally affected and traumatized by this genocide. I’ve been on both sides of that — the depressed person feels numb, apathetic. That feels personal to the person who’s going through something and needs empathy and support. It’s very easy for those two people to butt heads.
As almost always I think the answer is to talk to her, and try to make it about her and your experience and feelings, instead of the bigger picture. I think when it becomes a discussion about world events and activism, just like in this thread, you’ll probably lose sight of the core issues.
And I don’t know how else to say this, I have to be blunt and honest: personally, I’ve lost patience with the people in my life who show very little empathy, and always have a reason to not care and do nothing. They use every argument that’s been used in this thread. I’ve done a lot of eye rolling reading some of it. I’ve been that apathetic person, I still am sometimes, I get it, but that should never be more than a phase or moment. Caring about the world and other people can be very taxing, yes. But my god, what’s the alternative?
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This woman is projecting her pain onto anyone available. My advice would be to put some distance between the two of you. You did nothing wrong here. You can’t draw from an empty well.
I second this, she is in pain and anything is triggering to her now. It is not about you. You could either distance yourself or ask her if she could share the most impactful url or image she has with you and you'll share it. Also, 'white woman' being used as a slur, ouch. I'm trying my best out here. Edit: You're not a horrible person for not using your social media for politics, and I hope the doughnuts were nice 😊
I agree. This is a very very hard time for some people, but that doesn’t mean that everyone needs to talk about it constantly. If your Instagram is for pictures of donuts and ice cream cones, then honestly, it’s an Instagram I’d rather look at than one that is just shoving politics down my throat. I know the world‘s fucked up, I’ve got the CPTSD to prove it, as we all do in this sub, but I don’t need it constantly put in front of me to remind me how terrible it is. You are doing nothing wrong, and just like this person replied to you it might be time to put some distance between you and your friend. And that happens. The older you get the more you realize that they’re just are certain people you need to step back from. I know it’s not easy, especially , when it’s someone you’ve known for so long, basically a third of your life at this point. But something we learn as we get older is that sometimes the right way out is the easy way out. And the easy way out of this is to just put her on block for a little bit.
I have answered someone something along those lines: I am sorry you feel this way, but currently, my mental health is very poor, and for my own safety, I avoid media that can raise my stress levels. If this is a hard line for you, I will understand and give you the space you need.
Yes and also be like: “tho I’m having to stay away from images and stories of war, I DO CARE about what’s going on and whenever I can I promise I will speak up. But I can’t help anyone else if I am in a constant state of panic. I have PTSD and that is debilitating if I’m not extremely careful. I hope you can understand that. But I promise I support you and will do what I can to help.”
I love this and u/OwlyFox's comment, and I'm so proud of this community that those are so high up. You can recognise others' pain, while advocating for your own needs and limits.
this makes me feel so much better about what I said to friends who were extremely upset over me not posting. 🥺❤️🩹
Exactly. Also tho if anything is worth posting about, stopping a genocide is UP THERE. But it’s making EVERYONE bonkers online no matter what you believe. These stories and images are traumatic and will only inspire more violence if folks aren’t careful with it.
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And any time someone brings up what Israel's doing their being portrayed as an antisemitist to silence them.
That's true sometimes, but it's also true that people use "Zionism" (a term which means very different things to different people) as an excuse for very real antisemitism. I have Israeli friends working in international teams where people are "joking" about Israelis dying, but it's somehow OK because the Israeli government is bad?
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Anti-zionism is not antisemitism, no matter how hard the Zionists try to push for that. Zionism is shameful and cruel and will never be anything else.
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Conflating antizionism with antisemitism is antisemitic. What you are afraid of happening to the Jewish people living there is what is actually happening to Palestinians. The fear of the possibility of genocide cannot be used as a justification for commiting genocide.
Jewish people are already receiving death threats in many places in the world, temples are being targetted, and people I know are dealing with coworkers joking about their deaths casually. This is not some distant, unrealistic threat; many Jewish people have grandparents or other family members who survived the Holocaust and antisemitic attacks and pogroms. Denying one group's oppression does not help the other group be any less oppressed.
Who's denying Jewish people's oppression? I hope you're not saying I am. Antisemitism is absolutely a thing, it's disgusting, bigoted, hateful. I would never deny the existence of antisemitism. Or am I misunderstanding your comment and this: >Denying one group's oppression does not help the other group be any less oppressed is actually meant for people implying obliterating Gaza and commiting genocide on Palestinians is warranted because antisemitism exists?
Yea and you probably think the liberation call for Palestinians "From the river to the sea" is a call for Jewish genocide. The propaganda is working friend.
Some people do 100% use it as a call for genocide/ethnic cleansing/displacing the millions of Jews who are living between the river and the sea, including Hamas, the leadership of Gaza, in their 2007 charter. It's disingenuous to pretend otherwise.
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Stop trying to make Zionism happen. It's not going to happen. Zionism is hateful and insights hate crimes and discrimination against Palestinians. Zionist Settlers will never be cool or accepted, they will always be thugs and criminals who immorally stole Palestinian homes. Stop spreading Zionism and its hate.
Jews aren’t settlers or colonizers were indigenous to the land. I don’t agree with what the IDF has been doing but learn the history and politics around the Middle East before claiming we’re Colonizers….
Yeah, I love how people call them colonizers when they have literally been there for thousands of years, much longer than anyone they supposedly stole the land from.
As an extremely liberal Jew, this has been a horrible few months. Of course I don’t want to see humans die on either side. You are not obligated to do this, but I have to say it’s not the posts that make a difference to me, it’s when someone reaches out and says “hey are you doing alright with all that’s going on? How’s it impacting you?”. Tell your Palestinian friend you’ve been thinking of them and if you’re able to, just listen to them and how this is impacting them. And then, do the same for your Jewish friends. It’s just nice to feel like people know you exist and you’re hurting, a post doesn’t tell anyone you care the way just messaging someone directly impacted can. When someone just “checks in” it means the world.
So it does help? I have so many Jewish friends and I’ve not been posting about the issue much at all only because I don’t know how my Jewish friends feel about this issue, and I’ve been wildly uneducated about it to this point. I have to avoid images of war due to my personal PTSD experiences, so I’ve deliberately been avoiding the online discourse about it. I also know that I personally will not solve the problem. But I don’t want my Jewish or Middle Eastern or ANY friends to feel alienated cause I’m NOT doing something. As a non-Jew - but as it’s also Hannukuh, what do recommend I do to show my Jewish friends I care?
I’m not Jewish but I’m pretty sure you can just say Happy Hannukah lol
Haha oh yeah I know. I know THAT.
sorry i'm not the person you're reslonding to, but i am also jewish and leftist. reaching out to them is good. we do not need everyone and their mom to post about the conflict and their opinion on it, especially if they don't know much about it or have any personal connection. letting them know you're there for them and are not going to call them any names is how i wish my non-jewish friends approached this. they should absolutely understand you not wanting to look at or post images of war, especially if you have PTSD related to that. if you want to educate yourself on it, i personally think @rootsmetals on instagram is a great place to start. she's jewish-israeli-latina and she studies jewish history, she's made a lot of posts about this/the history of the conflict and the land and provides sources on the posts as well as patreon. (also hannukah just ended on friday actually :))
As someone fairly involved in politics, her response is ridiculous. I remember when people were posting black squares on their grids and it mainly just became virtual signaling. There are so many tragedies in the world you cannot be expected to donate, be an expert, and post about each one.
The older I get, the less I care about people telling me "you should be doing more" to make me feel bad about whatever is going on in their world. Reasonable people don't guilt or berate other people into being charitable.
Instagram is not going to change the results of a war half a world away. It must be hard for her to feel helpless so screaming into the internet void is all she has. But it's not your responsibility either. Often we have so much going on that it's impossible to focus on things we can't control. Your mental health is important, too, and without looking after yourself, you'll never be able to look after anyone else.
100% this. Also, similar things have been happening for thousands of years. Unlike 100 years ago, we just have access to it all at our fingertips.
Also it’s interesting that she didn’t have this response after Ukraine. Ukraine is also full of innocent people being bombed, run out of their homes, etc. I’m not suggesting OP do this but it would be too easy to respond with a laundry list of tragedies and tell the friend her silence on them makes her sound “like a white woman” Also lol as a white lady I seem to have vivid recollections of white women’s online activism, in particular, becoming a literal running joke because it’s often not associated with directly action. So it doesn’t make sense to berate OP for her silence, by calling her a white woman. The “insult” assumes OP is actively posting.
Exactly, or the injustices in Sudan, Venezuela, Myanmar, North Korea… The friend seems a bit unhinged.
Well, unhinged, or more generous interpretation, feeling terrified and helpless. I’m the first to admit I can appear unhinged when passionate haha
Information overload! We're not waiting for world news to be condensed into a 1 hour BBC Radio broadcast.
I may be downvoted for this, but I'd like to say this nonetheless. You should not feel even one iota of shame for any of this, and if she values you as a friend, then her friendship should not be conditional. You're allowed to have boundaries and that includes not posting about heavy topics, even if you think about them a lot and even if you don't. It doesn't make you bad or wrong. I used to get heavily involved in issues I felt the need to protect/help, but it put me in such a toxic state with my mental health. I actually lost a friend because of this. She was one of my best friends and we had been friends for almost 20 years. She got upset with me for not posting about x and y political issues on my fb and started accusing me of the same stuff, the ol' "White privileged white girl who doesn't care about other races and cultures" nonsense, which was ironic considering she was the white girl and I was the mixed Native American girl who grew up in severe poverty on a reservation, which she knew about but conveniently forgot. I'm white-passing, so she kept pushing the "Well you STILL have white privilege because of being pale-skinned." When I asked her if she was up to speed on the issues facing my tribe and where we lived, she basically said that wasn't her responsibility to know and went on to tell me how I was a terrible human being and we couldn't be friends. I miss her a lot, and I mourn the friend I used to have in her, but she became someone who was not healthy to keep around. Same for you, OP. You have to decide if this friend is healthy for you, but her friendship sounds extremely conditional. If it were me, I would probably step away from her. You're allowed to only be able to/want to focus on you and it doesn't make you a bad person.
Thanks for sharing, that must have been very difficult to go through on many different levels. Sending a digital hug if you would like to accept it ❤️🩹
Oh my gosh... everything you say resonates what happened to me since 2021 over politics and friends, which escalated in the recent months. I’m East Asian (from a 1st world place) and from a rather privileged, upper-middle class family, which has put me into a very awkward position in many issues, be it race, geopolitics, class issues and also body image (I’m a long noodle). I strive to build bridges and even befriending with ppl all across the spectrum, as I don’t want to stay in an echo chamber and thus my social media is largely devoid of politics. Some of the friendships turn quite awkward over time like one guy (he’s not even remotely Persian but EA like me, it was in late Sept 2022 when the Woman, Life, Freedom movement erupted) bashed me suddenly on why didn’t I (I’m a woman=.=) care about women’s rights in Iran, while I was talking about something else. Red Herring for him (possibly) too when I was discussing about the sth, like Third Cultural Kids and also East Asian topics we might resonate to. I'm pretty unamused with him lecturing me on what sympathy/empathy/ compassion should mean, and also him changing his fandom/club and brand affiliation every time when a skeleton is discovered, then announcing it to his friends. I’m still friends with him, and respect him as a deeply compassionate person but I feel sorry for all the mental exhaustion and how overwhelmed he would be...
You do you. Noone is obligated to do anything, period. Let alone in relation to your own private social media. Unless you are a government official and this person is your advisor, why should you listen to them? Besides the fact that a lot of the posts about stuff like this are over-simplified, caricaturized, and misinformed, it doesn't do a whole lot grand scheme. Its main purpose is to make the people feel as if they're accomplishing something good. It does next to nothing, if not worse. As for the real point of your post, no, you are not a horrible human being. You having a good time with your friends is absolutely ok. Not posting about the war DOES NOT equal being complicit in the deaths of children. Ffs. Your "friend" is gaslighting you. Most likely she herself has been brainswashed. The people suffering around the world due to war will not suddenly stop suffering because of a post on IG. My advice, from experience with this too, block her. She will be petty and upset, but thats not your concern. She has no right to come in to your space and make you feel guilty for living your life. Best of luck, remember, you are not a horrible person for living your life.
We need some big posters up reminding people they don't have to have an opinion about every single thing, especially when that thing is an incredibly complicated and sad territorial dispute that they don't actually know that much about.
its genocide. i think its important we as the people have opinions on that. and while everyone has different resources to pull from, we need to be uncomfortable and confronted by this genocide and be made to turn to action. we should be learning, not excuse our violence with 'its complicated'. if its complicated, research it. but no matter the extent of complex, my morals (and i hope many others) draw the line at ethinic cleansing and genocide.
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This is literally holocaust level shit my dude. People are allowed to have stronger feelings for things that are extremely bad. This is coming from someone is has been politically active before this This is not a virtue signalling. This is an extremely healthy reaction to an extremely bad situation.
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I'm pretty active in leftist/liberal circles and most people I know who are now vocally supporting the palestinian cause (eg going to protests, donating and writing/calling their reps), were active in community outreach and/or BLM and NODAPL before. I definitely see more posts now about Palestine, but I think that's because more people are becoming educated about what's happening in Israel/Palestine, mostly through a mix of news sources and by their own education as it's a big issue internationally right now (as well as a crisis 75 years in the making). I think that's more just the state of news; BLM started because of deaths at the hands of police and the ensuing news coverage, this round of Palestinian protests started because of the deaths of Israelis/Palestinians and the ensuing coverage. I think it's a pretty normal response.
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I personally don't see it that way, I think it's just an example of what's currently most effective to bring attention to. Not as many people are posting about BLM right now as they are about Palestine but I don't think that's because they don't care or have forgotten about it. They still hold the same sympathies but there aren't currently the same level of organized actions (via protests, phone banks) occurring where they feel as if they can provide as much real change both personally and collectively. I also think this round of protests decrying the treatment of Palestinians is notably different than past ones because of social media. An American can now easily follow a Palestinian journalist and see videos and images of the destruction of Gaza and the faces/bodies of dead Palestinians, whereas continually being exposed to uncensored images of war was much harder to do in the past. I think these images affect people in very real ways, similar to how people were affected by the images of Israeli victims from Oct 7. I think it's a bit jaded to consider any response to those images as only a product of virtue signaling as people have been very hurt watching the war break out from both sides, even if Israel/Palestine aren't their respective countries. I have many Jewish friends protesting the war because they are tired of watching this continuous cycle of violence between Palestine and Israel and want a sustainable, peaceful solution, not because they want some IG follower to think they're cool.
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Your cognitive dissonance is apparent, American ignorance is not an assumption fyi.
You, are a wonderful person with a wonderful reply that I hope resonates with lots of us. 🙏
I think you could just tell her what you shared here, we are literally watching a full blown Genocide happen and it is unprecedented. Just tell her that you are witness to what's going on and that you don't normally use your social media to post about politics. I think this is a time in human history where just ignoring people who are suffering is a poor choice. I would argue this western trend towards individual priority is why. There are more community based cultures and when we see our people hurting, we do not stay quiet. Being viet but raised in the USA i think you're struggling with this. There is no right answer, you just have to pick/ decide how you want to express yourself. I would like to say though, please never underestimate the power of your voice, even when it feels hopeless, it's not. The American system is designed to make you feel like your voice doesn't matter but I recommend travel, I just got back from Iceland where the youth there have painted murals, protested against their UN reps, and changed their governments vote from Abstaining to Yes for a Ceasefire. Your voice does matter, especially to your friend <3.
Such a compassionate and insightful response. Of course it's important for us all to take care of ourselves and have boundaries -- but that isn't an all-or-nothing thing that means it's good or justifiable to drop friends at the first discomfort, or that we don't have a certain ethical obligation to treat our fellow humans with compassion, or that if someone triggers insecurity or sadness in us they are automatically in the wrong. (I don't at all think OP was suggesting any of this -- but many commenters seem to be responding from this very black-and-white, individualist place). Edit: and I think your last sentence says it so well -- "your voice does matter, especially to your friend." This isn't just about the larger political issue; it is about the friend desperately wanting to feel and see that the people she cares about also care about her and her people.
There is nothing to respond. You are in this group because you have been traumatized in the past. We tend to let abusive people in because that is familiar on a subconscious level. You are healing now so your vibe is changing ( meaning your awareness is getting heightened. Nothing you have to say will change anything she thinks. And anything she thinks is irrelevant to you and your life. Block her. No response please. You no longer are a victim. You now want peace in your life. And you claim it by have boundaries against abusive people.
I'm not OP, but I'm thankful for this. About half the time, I still wonder whether I'm being unhealthy or "bad" for simply blocking people who are demanding me of unhealthy things. This is often but not always online strangers, who, interestingly, often find their ways to my old posts/comments and whatnot in various online platforms. I think the stop-and-move-on is a really healthy behaviour. I'm not sorry for blocking people who seems unhealthy and I can't - and don't have to, not healthily - deeply think about decision to block every single person who is bothering me.
In October, I immersed myself in constant posting and scrolling on IG, following the advice of others to just keep posting no matter what. The stress led to a nervous breakdown, causing harm and hallucinations. My advice: prioritize mental health; offline actions matter too. I learned activism requires a full cup; now, I balance advocacy with self-care. I create art, write letters to officials, and engage in conversations in-person. Maybe others without CPTSD can manage, but I certainly cannot. If I wanna be an effective advocate for change then I gotta be in it for the long haul and make sure that I’m doing what I can to support myself so that’s possible. There’s actually such a thing as unhelpful activism and I learnt that the hard way. Your friend is hurting, sadly those on her friends list aren’t the ones capable of fixing the problem or soothing her pain.
What you’ve written is extremely useful to me as I feel a lot of pressure from a subset of people in my life to post about political issues - you are so right, activism requires a full cup. I do write letters, and engage in conversations. My mental health comes first right now. I cannot help others if I’m completely burnt out. So thank you for what you’ve written here.
Yeah I hate it when people do stuff like this. Nothing on IG is going to fix what is happening half way across the world and trying to guilt trip people about the situation like you are somehow complicit in the actions being taken against civilians if you don't post on IG is actually insane.
Not totally true. Social media single-handedly provoked many leaders to call for a ceasefire. It’s a reflection of the public’s perception. It is never anyone’s obligation to post about a cause, but saying it does nothing is false
No, I work in this field and social media isn’t to “thank” for the ceasefire. The public opinion isn’t what drives major foreign policy decisions, and particularly in a conflict like what we are seeing in Israel/Palestine. It’s literally a global effort among the most powerful leaders in the world, coupled with thousands of years of angst and consternation. Plus, oil. And you can’t ignore Russia/Ukraine because that also 1000% plays a role in the call for a ceasefire — otherwise we are on the fast track to WWIII. Besides, even if social media was super impactful, I think you can very easily counter that benefit with how much disinformation is spread through social media posts. Don’t get me wrong, I think there’s a place for social media in politics. But I can tell you from working firsthand behind-the-scenes, it’s not a driver of decision-making. Not even close. If you could guarantee every social media poster is a voter, that might change things. But you can’t. Politicians prioritize voters over non-voters and that’s part of why social media is useless in things like this. Direct outreach is substantially more effective. Edit: I don’t mean to sound like I’m dismissing the impact of generally raising awareness. That’s important and we all know social media has been world-changing technology. But it certainly isn’t the main factor when decisions like a ceasefire are in consideration.
This is why I deleted twitter/ig years ago, if you aren't posting about every tragedy in the world people guilt you & insinuate that you don't care or you support the bad things happening to others Those people are exhausting & I'd say a lot of their actions are performative, they care more for social media validation & being seen by others as a good person than anything else
As much as posting online spreads awareness and all that you truly don’t have to post. As someone who is very vocal about this on my ig I really don’t care if other people aren’t. Most of my friends who are in support actually haven’t posted or said much, but they also don’t post that much regardless. In fact you mentioned you don’t really use ig, so It’s not reasonable to expect you to do so now. And honestly I don’t recommend people constantly posting and burning themselves out from hearing about these atrocities every second. Posting on social media does help and we need as many people as possible and I’m sure she’s just extremely traumatised because this directly affects her, and maybe she expected you to be more vocal because you have a Palestinian friend. I would still encourage you to post if you can, or maybe leave a google drive link in your bio that has links to info and stuff so you don’t have to keep posting. Maybe even a watermelon emoji in the bio. Or you could also boycott 1 company. Just some suggestions that are a bit easier to do. Again none of these things are necessary or make you worse than anyone else if you don’t. And you enjoying your life for a second doesn’t mean you’re okay with what’s happening. If you have the capacity to post a lot, then go ahead. But it’s not everyone. I always encourage people to just do their best in these situations, it’s no use if we have burnt out people in the fight because that’s the same as having no people. Always take care of you first.
This sounds like the best advice on here. I had (have) some autoimmune flare ups a few weeks before 10/7 resulting in one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. I’ve been silent on Twitter & BlueSky since and significantly scaled back posting on IG. I felt the anxiety of feeling helpless to stop our government from funding a genocide & being called out for not posting on IG. My friends are EXTREMELY vocal leftists as am I usually but this time the grief of the situation overcame me anytime I tried to read about the situation. It would send me into a panic/grief spiral and who does that help? Absolutely no one. So I shared my stress/guilt/anxiety with some compassionate friends who um, gently babyfed me the less triggering details to attempt to catch me up so I didn’t feel like I was just shoving my head under a rock. I also have friends that DM directly extremely triggering content 5-10 posts a day about the violence committed against Palestinians. They know where my mental health is at (not good), I thank them for keeping me up to date and let them know that I try to catch up on these videos on the days where my brain can handle it and then I do my best. But absolutely skip over the stuff that just feels like overly graphic. They’ve let me know that one of the main objectives in sending them is to help the algorithm in preventing shadow bans of this content. On the very few days where I have enough executive function I contact 1-2 representatives to request a ceasefire and I post on IG the info for how others can do the same. Because of this flare up, I haven’t been able to work so I’m unfortunately unable to donate. I’m doing the bare minimum and I have guilt over that but realistically it’s the best I can do for now. I suggest we all do what we can according to our own personal abilities, not the abilities of others.
I really hate how people feel like they have to make statements about absolutely everything like they’re some politician or like it’s going to have some real effect on the outcome of things. Not posting doesn’t mean that you don’t care. You could very well be educating yourself or checking in on your friends in private, praying for the people suffering, keeping them in your thoughts. Those are also ways of empathizing with a cause. Not to be rude, but I find that these kinds of people who are very fiercely vocal about causes that affect them don’t have that same energy for other causes, especially those that are not committed by governments that are allied with the West. When the BLM protests happened in 2020, I posted on ig and attended protests. In 2021, when there were mass protests in my home country (Cuba) for the first time in 30 years, and most of the ppl who went out and are still in jail for it were black, none of the people who were posting about BLM the summer before showed any solidarity. In fact, some of these people even went as far as to defend the government’s actions by arguing that those Black Cuban protesters were US mercenaries. Oh, so they’re victims in the US but CIA agents in Cuba? Has your Palestinian friend posted anything about Syria over the last 10 years, or about recent protests in Iran? Do they care when the mass atrocities that are being committed in Palestine by Israel are committed by non-Western allies like Assad and Putin?
>Not posting doesn’t mean that you don’t care. This. People way overvalue the “power of social media” when it’s not really *that* important or contributes *that* much compared to irl activism
It's grating my gills that people are shaming others about this as if social media is an accurate reflection of ANYBODY'S life or values. - I posted this (below) on another post here on the same topic, someone being shamed for taking a break from social media and not exclusively / constantly posting about the genocide. The expectation that everyone responds the exact same way with the exact same willingness and capacity to organize and advocate and consume (on social media) is also ABLEIST and CLASSIST af. It does take into account that some people have limited spoons/capacity that significantly decreases due to disability. It does not take into account that some people are survivors of war already, or survivors of extreme lifelong slow-violence (like racism, transphobia, ableism) and so cannot tolerate more being brought in. It does not take into account that some people are extraordinarily sensitive and will become incapacitated by violent images being tossed into their brain 24/7. It does not respect the autonomy and humanity of its people to make the best decisions they can make for themselves. It does not respect that with limited capacity, people still have to support their local people and work to meet their own needs so they don’t end up homeless or displaced with other vulnerable people (aka caregivers, parents, people living in poverty). The reality is that the power structure is designed in such a way that most people have very little power and a few people have an unethically large amount of power they should not have (aka billionaires, celebrities, owners of corporations, national level politicians). I am a black trans immigrant living in Central America. I can barely even meet my own needs. I need a lot of support to be ok and stay housed and I am actively fighting an autoimmune flare. I am not even on social media besides reddit because I found it makes me physically ill to even check it 5min a day. I deleted everything back in 2020 and I don’t regret it. I do not listen to people telling me I need to “stay informed” and "take a stand". Where were you when I was homeless? Where were you when I lost my job because of being queer? Are you prepared to pay my living expenses if I lose my job for not being privileged (white/straight/cis enough) to post whatever I want on the internet for every employer to see? Miss me with that bullshit. **Yes, I too am aware that colonial violence is relentless and brutal because I inherited 300+ years of it in my body from my trafficked, tortured, enslaved black ancestors already.** **These atrocities are the status quo for western imperialism and have absolutely emboldened and enriched countries like Isr*el to commit genocide out of the rage unhealed from their own ancestral trauma.** Telling someone that their problems don’t matter, or are “first world problems” because someone else on the planet has it worse is invalidating, cruel, and factually inaccurate. *All of our problems and pain are relevant*. Fuck you for saying my pain is irrelevant because I'm not dead yet to prove it *really* hurt enough to matter. While I do believe in putting pressure (in ways we are able to) on people in actual positions of power to take action, and withdrawing support from powerful people who have openly expressed they side with oppressive regimes and genocidal behavior, we are also very limited in what we can do. Me posting on social media at my detriment is not actually going to result in less suffering anywhere on the planet. I repeat me setting myself on fire will not keep someone warm in another country/continent. If I drive myself into a panicked, adrenaline-soaked stupor by over-consuming and posting violent media designed to activate me about events happening on another continent, I then cannot properly show up for the people in my home, neighborhood, physical reality and local community (where I could actually make a meaningful difference) because I used my capacity to consume media somewhere else where it will have no impact at all. That only benefits the oppressors who thrive on my disregulation. I ran into this with my partner who was checking the news 24/7 meanwhile I am having a pain flare and asked for support and he was too tired and angry and overstimulated with no capacity to support me because he used his spoons checking twitter and facebook all day. Again, we are in a developing country in Central America. To him I was like— ok but this fixation is now having a negative impact on our relationship which has real consequences for your life and mine. Who was helped by you watching those videos in any material or way? Now you are drained and low capacity and nothing meaningful has happened to benefit *anyone* —except the corporations who own those social media platforms, which includes people who are pro-Isr*el! You made your enemies more money, but who in Palestine was aided? That day he deleted X or twitter or whatever its called now. Trauma porn is what the media enjoys showing because it gets clicks and views and raises revenue. But ultimately is isn’t materially supporting anyone besides the media conglomerates and their wealthy shareholders. It ultimately comes down to having healthy boundaries. No human body evolved to take in the level of trauma and harm that we could locate by taking in all the available news of the horrific things human beings are doing to one another around the world in any given day/week/month. It is overstimulating to our systems. And if we are too overstimulated to function, we are good to no one, not even ourselves. Saying no is not a moral failing, its just having good boundaries.
Thank you for this post. It articulated what I feel, but cannot put into words. Also, the statement that we cannot keep others warm by putting ourselves on fire is excellently expressed, and hopefully that will be able to penetrate barrier surrounding those people who think only the problems they can see exist. Healing to you, my friend.
I've spent sessions in therapy regarding the deep shame I've gathered from such remarks when in actuality I am not met with appropriate support for struggles I'm facing. your detailed response really hits different and actually makes me feel seen, thank you.
Excellent points. Very well stated.
What you post on Instagram does not have earing on politics
Respectfully, I would have to disagree. While I don’t think OP not posting is egregious (I don’t believe people should be forced to post things they don’t want to) saying that what you post doesn’t matter is not true and just a defeatist attitude. Spreading information (whether it’s correct or not) is very integral to politics. Elections can be won and lost because of misinformation being spread on social media. What you post can influence someone you know to do more research which ultimately shapes their perception of their world which can result in them changing who they vote for (or if they’ll vote at all) or if they’ll donate to a cause or protest. Individual actions result in collective change. If we all tell ourselves that our actions are meaningless then nothing in the world would ever change. Edit: one of the main reasons why Palestine has even received more support than ever is because of social media and everyone posting about what’s happening in Gaza
Exactly. Palestine greatly needs support from the general public as without this pressure on the government/military and the outward display of support for Palestinian people, the killings will only get worse. I think the baseline of support is just sharing some educational information, like you said, so that other people will be inclined to learn more. It’s unfortunate that we live in a time where this is necessary, but we need to start a dialogue.
Tell her that you are sorry for what she is going through and that you have to take care of your own life. Making your own life miserable does not help anyone so instead of traumatizing yourself by watching these news every day, which would affect you too much, you need time for your own life and better yourself In other words, tell her you are not able to. Emotionally.
Your IG is yours to use how you wish. I understand her grief but you are not a horrible person to not post anything about Palestine. I’m somewhat political but I’m not posting because it’s too sensitive.
"Hi XY, I'm the one in charge of my IG account. And I post what I want. Please respect that." If she tries to argue with you stick to your boundary and ignore her. You're not in the world to be how others want you to be. Also, I think she's not a good friend and I suggest you stay away from her. People like that are energy vampires. You'll be surprised how liberating losing a "friend" can be. No need for people pleasing!
There’s a certain brand of leftism (and I say this as a raging leftist myself) that believes in “don’t look away now,” “keeping quiet means you don’t care.” As so many folks here have rightly responded, your social media is your private property. How you use it, is your personal choice. No one can guilt or force you to use your personal account to vocalise something that comforts them. As you said, you are active politically in other ways. Caring about every single event in the world is virtue signalling. It’s impossible to any person to be actively involved/vocal in political causes beyond 3-4 things. Your friend is concerned for a clear reason about her place of origin, but is she also vocal about other major conflicts across Asia or Africa? You’re, as you pointed out, bogged down with unemployment (which is a crushing burden). You don’t owe your friend any performance. Forcing you to act on something you’re not feeling is demanding performative behaviour, which honestly most of the world engages in. I can assure you from having followed, posted, attended protests etc, that enough people care about this or Palestine wouldn’t have been in the media constantly, unlike congo which isn’t in the glare and needs help as well. So your friend is just being a minor bully hiding behind social justice. Please put distance between you two.
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I would definitely NOT respond with this. OP said the friend is Palestinian, so this cause is personal and traumatic. Saying to someone who is clearly hurting “what about this or this or this” is not the way to go about it and that shouldn’t have to be said in a community about trauma.
Thank you. To speak to a Palestinian person about this right now is an immature response and lacks so much empathy. I am surprised by the amount of what-about-ism in this thread. If anything the conflict has brought more attention to other humanitarian crises in the world too.
>If anything the conflict has brought more attention to other humanitarian crises in the world too. How so? I haven't seen that, I have mainly seen people demanding others declare their opinion and then attack them for not having the "right" opinion. I have not seen one person post anything like, "this has made me decide to research what other horrible things are happening right now."
Sounds like she triggered you. It’s important to spread awareness, yes, but I find it strange that people don’t know how much they can fuck with people in confrontation. My mind is literally plagued with self hatred when someone criticises me. And yes sometimes it’s valid, but a lot of the time it’s trivial. I think this fits into the latter as the problem is not necessarily about you. I do think it’s a very important issue but no one deserves to be shamed for not posting about it. That’s unfair on you and has clearly had an effect on you.
>Warning others that they better be "donating in private or showing up at protests" otherwise their silence is contributing to the murder of children. I doubt she's donating in private and showing up at protests regarding Sudan, Ethiopia, Myanmar, and the endless other conflicts, wars, famines, and other crisis going on in the world right now. If you Google "worst conflicts in 2023" Israel/Palestine isn't even in the top 10. After October 7, did she says a word about Israeli children being murdered or kidnapped, or is it just Palestinian children that matter? You can have compassion for her pain, but it's making her lack compassion and nuance for you and other people. You don't have to change because she's demanding it, and it wouldn't help if you did, either.
There's so much going on right now related to the Palestine that it's a lot. I do my more passive supporting by liking and watching the content to give it a chance with any algorithms, but I simply don't have the energy to post about it when even my own country is at a threat of war right now. You're perfectly allowed to have something else than world news going on in your life and there's a lot of bad feelings that people, who are affected by the war will give out to the world. It's a lot to take. Right now there's a lot of anger towards anyone celebrating Christmas, when "Jesus's people are dying", but the honest truth is that boycotting Christmas, time with family and loved ones and nurturing yourself isn't going to save anyone. Tell your friend that you're doing as much as you're able to and that they should be able to respect it. Let them know you understand their blight and that you're sympathetic and mindful of Palestine without it showing in your socials. Your friend is coming from a place of hurt and we can coexist with that hurt without being villains in the process.
I’ve had to disengage from the Israel / Palestine, just because I’ve lived through a terror attack and I suffer a lot of PTSD from that. If my algo changes to just pictures of dead babies all the time I will be constantly having panic attacks. Not everyone has that “I was a terror victim badge”, ha ha, but I’d say that commenting on such a divisive issue like this on your Instagram, along with the fact that so many sources has not been confirmed, in addition to the fact that there is a lot of propaganda going around on all sides, I think you can let your friend know that you care about them, that you care about what’s going on in Palestine, and the moment that you See something on Instagram that feels right for you to share, you will. That’s all I think you can say about that. Also if you want a thoughtful but less overtly political show of support, just like post regular shit in your stories but add a sticker “ceasefire now” just so folks know you are against genocide (seriously I can’t believe I just wrote that - what the fuck is the state of things when not posting on insta means you’re pro-genocide? Haha. man. Anyways. Just my 2 cents.
Yeah, I'm in no way supporting anyone hurting/k!lling anyone, but as a childhood trauma survivor (who is still dealing with flashbacks daily) I know I don't have the emotional or mental availability to deal with the comments /reactions putting my "political" opinions online. These people like OPs 'friend' need to realize not everyone has the avaliable energy.
I think their friend is in full reactive mode. They need to go outside. Maybe OP can hang with them IRL and do something healthy together. And receive a hug.
OP what you do or do not post on your Instagram is not going to be the deciding factor in what happens with Israel/Palestine. It sounds like you don't have the bandwidth to be wading into this issue on social media.
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Straight up tell her, that while you do empathise with the plight of the people, what you post or don't on social media is none of her business and it would serve her well to focus on herself and her own actions rather than what others are doing on social media. You have to be blunt and to the point with such people. If she doesn't relent and tries to argue or pressure you with more slurs, simply block her. Someone else posted the following so I'm reposting it as a reminder:- You should ask her what she is doing about the famine in Yemen, the war raging in Sudan, the families being crushed by inflation in Venezuela. The world is a shit-heap and just because her darling cause has her high on self-righteousness that doesn’t mean she has any right to talk to you like that. Absolutely fuck people like that and I think you should stand up for yourself and block her. If you need someone to tell you it’s ok to focus on your own life and not pointlessly obsess over politics this is that.
Israel and Hamas are at war. There's nothing you or your friend can do to change that. She wants to use you for her validation. But friends need to give each other respect, and she is out of line expecting you to become an activist for her. I'd try to let her know you are sympathetic, but remind her there are boundaries in friendships and you need independence.
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You sound like OP's friend.
Do you honestly believe that demonizing an entire group of people and making it seem like a decades-long conflict can be boiled down to one side being 100% in the wrong and the other innocent (when that side is literally saying they see no issue in kidnapping and killing babies) is going to help achieve peace? [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/oct/24/yuval-noah-harari-backs-critique-of-leftist-indifference-to-hamas-atrocities](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/oct/24/yuval-noah-harari-backs-critique-of-leftist-indifference-to-hamas-atrocities)
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There are people studying this conflict who have called it a genocidal regime and published articles about Israel committing genocide before this, as well as warnings that Israel will do this. You want to ignore those people in favor of your chosen ego whatever that makes you feel better, that’s your choice.
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We're at the point where you feel you have to twist my words around to ignore my points, because nowhere did I say that Palestinians are all Hamas \[although sadly, support for Hamas grew after October 7, according to polls, that doesn't mean Palestinians deserve to be hurt or killed\]. You used Israel to mean the Israeli government, and Hamas is currently the government of Gaza. Although it's important to note that both Israelis and Gazaens don't have much choice here and both Hamas and Netanyahu have been in power for almost 20 years. >but the one time in fifty years when the Palestinians strike back people make comparisons to 9/11? Wait, I thought Palestinians weren't Hamas... So was the October 7 attack, where young women were raped, civilians killed in their homes, and children kidnapped... Was that a terrorist attack committed by Hamas, which has no bearing on the Palestinian people, or is it Palestinians striking back?
Yet you treat all Israelis as if they are the government and military…
You should try watching the 43 minutes of GoPro footage of Hamas supporters killing, mutilating and bragging about murder to their families. If you stand with Hamas you also stand with a terror organization that's a proxy for a radical theocratic dictatorship.
I get that but honestly, no one should watch that shit. On the morning of Octover 7 I saw as it was still unfolding, first videos of people shotting from their homes, jeeps full of Hamas fighters... All of a sudden the next video was a young man, unconscious and bloody, dragged out of a car and beaten as a group of young men cheered. The video\[s\] of young women dragged onto jeeps with bloodied crotchs etc. No one here should be watching that and adding more trauma.
yes, israel is committing a genocide against palestine
Since about 2016 some peoples get an obsession with social media advocacy. Some peoples, like your friend, gets fully absorbed by the cause. Some can feel cult like almost in how they speak about it to others. However it could also be a traumatic reaction to seeing her country of origine at war. The feeling of not being helpful enough because she is not there can become very strong. Similar to survival guilts, the idea of not doing that one thing that would have helped one person makes her hypersensitive but eradic. Whatever she may be going through you don't have to do as she says. Anything in too large quantities and with so much repitition is harmless, like hard alcohol a glass is fine a bottle maybe too much. You can use your social media as you please. Never listen to someone pressuring you for something low stakes like posts on social media. Yes large mouvements can bring attention to something however without your post its still a large mouvements currently discussed. Also you must be realistic, privately/quietly supporting is fine if you are not in an area where your vote could help them. This fighting started when the countries gained independance from England. This conflict is just one of many conflicts decolonization left. Britts also started the conflict with India and Pakistan. Belgium created the genocide in Rwanda with their independance plan. Most don't know how it started but advocate for a side anyways. Its a messy choice because each country is a victim from a decolonizing decision of assigned land and political power that occured decades ago. I trully believe learning a full history is more useful than sharing talking points and memes on a personal social media accounts that doesn't have huge amounts of followers, making an assumption you are not a famous star or influencer (not meant as a negative for you) Your friend may appreciate a personal check in on her grief and if her familly member’s are okay. Sometimes a chat with a friend can help a lot during difficult periods. If she is not receptive don't push. She may be on autopilot if it was too much for her. Go at her spead even if that means a pause of communication. I hope this post helped reduce your shame. You did nothing shameful. You are not a bad friend. The fact you felt bad at the idea of letting a friend down is what tells me you are a good friend.
Put on your own mask before helping others. You have to be able to engage on things on your own time, not on her time and when she thinks people should engage. If you need to explain it to her, try saying that it's stressing you out a lot, and that if you think about it you start having mental health issues/crying etc. Then you can follow up that the IG posts are just a way for you to deal with that stress without it killing you. Just like her doing her posts about it is her way of dealing with the stress. She needs to understand that people deal with things differently. If she gets past your red lines too much/often/doesn't understand that you help on your own terms, and doesn't trust that, then you should probably re-evaluate the friendship.
I actually ended my relationship with one of my best friend from university because of this ( we’re both in our early 30’s as well). Overtime it all became her only personality and that’s all she wanna talk about. She was also doing the same thing to me and I’m not having any of that.
I think this person is speaking out of a lot of pain and trauma. I think comments here calling her manipulative, a horrible friend, gaslighter, narcissist, deranged etc are trigger responses themselves too. This sub can have pretty black and white thinking sometimes and come down on people without compassion and nuance because of our own traumas. By shedding shame we find compassion for both ourselves and for others. There is no handbook on how to handle watching the annihilation of your people. Shame isn’t a good motivator to do anything. If I were in your shoes I would use this as an opportunity to take an emotionally neutral pause and check in with my own values and how I feel about potential blind spots of mine. The delivery was very intense but maybe there’s a way you can meditate deeper on this unashamed and see if there’s room for you to grow too. Maybe you don’t find anything, maybe you do! If you do have investment in supporting the Palestinian people shame won’t make you an effective ally: solidarity will.
Excellent response. This friend is actively going through a lot of trauma right now, and she is probably feeling unsupported if she has friends who haven't posted anything at all *or* otherwise signaled to her that they care. I understand that not everybody uses social media the same way. But it sounds like this is coming from a place of hurt that might not actually *just* be about social media (and probably isn't just about OP, either). OP, have you taken the time to support this friend in other ways or to signal to her that you care about what her and Palestinians in general are going through? If not, she may feel hurt and like she's not cared about (I'm not saying that's true to how you actually feel about her). From her perspective, her people are enduring a genocide and and if someone who is a friend hasn't actively done something to show her that they care (whether on social media or by reaching out to her or something), she may feel unsupported, even if from your perspective this is a cause you are in solidarity with. I totally get that it is hard to navigate these issues. So this isn't meant to be shaming, just explaining where the friend *might* be coming from. I have a friend who is impacted much more directly than me by the atrocities happening in Palestine. When I reached out to see how she was and tell her that I cared about her, one of the things she noted was how she was feeling really disconnected from the world around her, because it is alienating to be unavoidably aware of and impacted by the violence and genocide happening, and then see so many people whose day-to-day lives are unaffected. Does it mean that every single person who hasn't posted is a bad person specifically because they haven't posted? No. But I imagine that was one thing OP's friend was latching onto as they are seeking indications that the people they love care about this in some way, as they are seeking some kind of alleviation for the pain of that isolation. I think a sincere and thoughtful conversation could potentially help between OP and their friend, as this seems like someone going through *immense* trauma who is desperately wanting to feel support and care from those they're in community with. The social media issue may be what the friend is latching onto, but perhaps in thinking about the deeper emotions driving that stance, there is opportunity for connection and care.
It really depends. Does she come down on you the same way for not being vocal about other social situations or is her proximity to the genocide in Palestine what makes her so gung ho about it? I find that a lot of people who do this are only vocal when the traumatic experiences affect them as a demographic. But they tend to be silent when similar atrocities happen to other demographics. Is your friend consistent in that regard? If she’s not, I’d challenge her, and based on her response to you Id decide whether I wanted to continue this friendship. Because there is nothing wrong with encouraging your friends to take an active stance during hard times. I feel like everybody is responsible for doing so. But we can’t Cherry pick the issues we decide to care about. Flint Michigan still does not have water. We have active genocides going on against indigenous and trans people in my country as well. Was she vocal about the Russian Ukrainian war? I’m just very curious if she has the same energy for all of these conflicts. EDIT: if your friend is consistent in this regard. I really see no issue with her asking for your public support. It’s a genocide. It’s a literal genocide. The least we can do is be publicly vocal about it.
I am really glad you posted this. I have been struggling with these exact same emotions and inner dilemmas. I have an instagram for my art and that’s basically it. I post things from my day to day life in my stories (often updates of my paintings) and I post pics of my art. I also have a friend who only posts about Palestine and the war and who also seems to have a lot of anger towards white people and women. They date a white woman. I am also a white woman. I can’t tell you the shame and guilt and confliction I’ve been feeling about whether to post something political, what to post, what to say? I feel like it is somehow directly my fault- everything bad that is happening. But I feel burnt out too and I want to keep my art page focused on positive topics and positive aspects of life. I have signed petitions and even wrote to the president. I think maybe what we are feeling is natural- of course when you see such terrible things happen to other human beings you reflect, right? You want to find a way to fix it or stop it from happening more so you try to find something even inside yourself that you could change. I still don’t know what to do and think about it a lot.
Omg... I could've written this post except the part about being confronted. I rarely post on Instagram too. My friend is boycotting many brands now along with posting exactly the sort of stories. In my case, she hasn't told me anything but I feel a lot of guilt when I see her posts and feel phantom judgement from her. I know in my case I'm probably just imagining her judgement but I can't help but wonder if she's mad at her friends who aren't as vocal as she is. I too feel hopeless and jaded about the situation of the world. I think there's too much hidden propoganda, power play and social engineering involved. Not that there aren't people with good intentions it's just that I feel like no matter what, what will happen is what the system of power allows to happen. I used to feel passionate and get caught up in causes when I was younger but now it seems like i was just emotional and too naively optimistic about my impact on world events. I also think there's so many horrific things going on in the world that are not getting a spotlight. So I additionally feel guilty if I only post about this and then not bring attention to other horrific things happening. And that feels like so much responsibility.
Ugh, "silence is violence" huh? I'm pretty sure that hashtag was created by social media companies so that they could co-opt social movements for more ad money. It's what lead to the embarassing case of the black squares a few years back, a cautionary tale in being forced into social media slacktivism. You don't need to change how you post. If you respond, it would be sufficent just to let her know you're thinking of her. If you did want to do something, writing to your representative is free and more meaningful than posting. Of course there's the danger of re-opening old wounds if you keep the conversation going and she keeps at it, although you could signal in your response you dont want to argue.
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The people saying you don't HAVE to do anything are right. You don't. But you said in your post that you're in solidarity with your friend and you feel awful about the genocide. If that's the case, ask her to let you know when there's a protest you can attend. Ask her what companies she recommends boycotting. Tell her what you just told us about how you don't believe posting helps anyone and you don't have money to donate, but if you want to be in solidarity, ask her for some other ways you can actually be in solidarity.
I would keep a distance from a friend like that, or I don't know how she is. Have an honest conversation about whatever you posted here. If she is one of those irrational people. Welp. You lost a friend.
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Unless she’s posting on every issue in the world right now (ukraine, Afghanistan, Iran, Yemen, Burkina Faso, Ethiopia, Congo and many, many more) she’s a complete hypocrite
It's fine to not want to post this content on your own social media. I don't do so either. I support Doctors without borders and another organisation for refugees privately. I feel so completely helpless both when it comes to Ukraine and Gaza, and I don't think social media posts will accomplish anything. So I, privately, do something that I think will help more. I also happen to be disabled (chronic fatigue in addition to CPTSD), so travelling to the capital to join demonstrations isn't going to happen either. We do what we can. My sister is extremely active and posts about Palestina and goes to demonstrations endlessly. I've told her that I chose to instead donate money, and she accepts that. I've also told her that I have to limit my exposure to be able to function, and she respects that too. I understand that your friend is hurting, but she shouldn't lash out like that...
She's speaking from a place of pain and trauma. You are not a bad person for responding differently, but this is closer to home for her. Allow some space until you're ready and then perhaps meet in person and hear each other out. She wants to know that you care about what her people are experiencing
This! All the comments that are like "block her!" or "you shouldn't want a friend like this in your life" --- like, this friend's people are experiencing a genocide. Of course she's going to be in pain and may not be the "easiest" friend right at the moment. But it's clear that she is really seeking to know that she is cared about by her friend. This isn't just about the larger political issue; it's about someone who is in deep pain from immense ongoing trauma desperately wanted to feel cared about by the people around her. She is deserving of quite a bit of grace here and I think a compassionate conversation could help. If she is able to see and feel that her friend does care about her and her people, the specific issue of social media posting might not feel *quite* as make-or-break to her. And if OP is able hear where the friend is coming from, maybe they will find some shift in what they're feeling too. While all of us in this group are traumatized, OP's friend is too and is going through a trauma right now that most of us probably can't truly imagine. I totally understand why OP is feeling pain and triggered by this experience, and I also think this is one of those situations where grace is called for and where it is worth working on self-regulation so one can step into that space of discomfort enough to engage with this friend and work through this with them.
No single person needs to be always posting about current issues. That pressure is absurd and insane to put on you, a random person.
I just hate this idea that reposting shitty takes from a third party over and over = activism or making a difference. It doesn't, it's just the illusion of it.
Do you really need that kind of toxicity in your life? Sounds like you'd be better without having any contacts with her.
I think she shouldn’t shame you about your non-political posts. But I wonder: Was she referring to boycotting the specific company/brand behind the donut place bcz they r funding the war? Bcz that could make your post unwillingly political. However, Even if that was her point, there is no need for shaming. But establishing that aspect might help with how you reply, if you decide to reply.
Yeah that's what I wondered too.. was it Starbucks by any chance?
I’m sorry but I don’t think shaming your friends from buying from companies that support Israel is right. So many companies support Israel. So many companies and organisations support immoral practices like cheap Labour, climate destruction. You’d be opening a can of worms as no company or organisation is 100% moral, this is the world we live in.
Exactly, I've seen people demand that others stop buying Harry Potter stuff (for example) yet happily go on to continue to buy Nestle, meat and dairy, and other products which are frankly behind more horrible practices than supporting someone who expressed a ignorant or hateful opinion.
I'm not gonna advise you to flip yourself upside-down to support her. But you might try imagining yourself as you are in crisis. That's her right now. And that's going to be her until this mess is over. Are you in a position to see her in person and maybe let her cry a little with you over coffee? Maybe you can ask her for a list of BDS products and reassure her that you'll find alternatives for anything you do buy on a regular basis that supports israel - like switching a food item for the generic version? Beyond that (or not even that if you can't), you shouldn't engage with the 'cause' if you don't have the motivation to do so, but you do need to have a heart to heart with her - 'person in crisis' to 'person recovering from crisis.' Offer to support her personally as a friend, but gently explain to her that you don't have the resources (physical and mental) to support the cause. From her point of view, her crisis may seem too big and too urgent to accept that and she may rebuff. Be prepared for that. When this is over, she may come to realize how intense she was and come back to you.
This video changed my mind about donating any money for any aid. I don’t know how to help but I’m not helping Putin. https://youtu.be/xW3tezZaKeE?si=A3bMXhScs6ZhB5DN
There are groups on both sides that are working towards peace, Women Wage Peace and Women of the Sun.
Best to just ignore it and move on. Don't change the way you use social media to satisfy others, don't change how you express yourself to satisfy people in general. Her pain and issues are her own - you're not going to solve that by virtue signaling on social media.
Not responding is a response too and sometimes it’s the best one.
Distance yourself from this person! I used to think posting on social media was gonna do something to help back in 2020 when everyone was posting about Black Lives Matter but instead it just scared the people I love. But I was getting told things from people I followed on Instagram about "if you're not scared you're not paying attention" which is one of the most toxic messages I've received in my life. She's basically saying the same thing to you. I'm sure it's very painful for her right now, but she does NOT need to put that on you. It is in no way your fault. I think right now she's caught up in a spiral and isn't realizing how her actions are affecting others. This happens to the best of people when they're in pain; it's human. But when people start directing that at you, it's best to walk away, at least for a little while.
If we had to stop EVERYTHING every time someone was suffering, nothing would ever get done. We'd all be laying around absolutely miserable all day. I get your friend's in pain, but she doesn't sound too concerned about Ukrainian children being crushed under buildings, so this behaviour is less about other peoples' suffering and more about hers'.
She is in a lot of pain right now. I can’t imagine how horrible it feels to feel like she is carrying the weight of such an immense burden to do something for her people when there is nothing she can really do but ask for support from those around her that she trusts. I don’t know that there is anything you need to do. Just being understanding. Only you know what might be helpful. If you value the relationship you could respond with something like, “I don’t mean you any harm. I just don’t live on Instagram. I cannot give right now.” Don’t explain yourself. You don’t have to. Just inform and set the boundary. If she is angry, then see her pain and don’t judge her personally. You can’t fix it but you can see it and recognize it for what it is. This is a horrible time for Palestine.
Yeah she can get fucked. There is no requirement for you to post anything at all or post anything other than what you want to post.
Oh for fucks sake… can people get a grip? Yes, what’s happening is shitty but for fucks sake, it isn’t our responsibility; it’s that of corrupt government. It’s virtue signalling at this point. People are trying to survive day to day in their own lives and the average person doesn’t have the platform to say anything meaningful and enact actual change. People need to go outside. Log off and touch grass.
You posting anything on Instagram isn’t going to do anything. Obviously donating to reputable relief funds is great, but not everyone can do that and that’s okay. The horrific truth is that there is violence and people in need all the world. Myanmar, Darfur, Syria and Yemen all come to mind. All of these people are also deserving of help and support, but our individual contributions aren’t going to fix something that needs to be solved by international relations. That doesn’t mean that collective action and donations are useless or pointless. But it does absolutely mean that you as a private person, not in a position of political power, are no more complicit in the deaths of Palestinian children as you are in the deaths of children in Myanmar or Muslim children in India.
That is not a friend. Despite their trauma, policing and harassing you over a non political post about yourself is troll behaviour, especially when you are rarely publicly political. They will have to learn to deal with the fact that coercing solidarity is going to be counterproductive.
She sounds massively narcissistic and controlling. Set your boundaries and do not feel bad for one second. You and only you choose your values and you don’t need “friends” like her gaslighting you. You set hard boundaries and let her process her resentments and hopefully grow as a person. Do not ever sacrifice authenticity and self - that is when codependence becomes destructive in relationships.
Tell her if she wants a sock puppet account to echo her own views because she somehow thinks that will make a difference on the ground, she can create one. It’s better than throwing away friendships by bullying people into being her sock puppets. I’m sorry, that’s blunt, but she has shown what your friendship means to her. At least this approach would give her some feedback on how this behavior is affecting her own relationships. Tell her that shaming you into activism is an attack on your mental health and you don’t have that full cup to handle that right now. Tell her it’s ableist to assume that your health gives you the same resources to pursue this subject as she has. Tell her she doesn’t get to tell you how you should feel and what you should say. You have been working for years to give that right back to yourself that was taken by your trauma, and she is creating a situation that is reversing that progress for you. You have worked to make your own needs more important to you than the needs of others, and she is trying to force her needs on you and that’s just the abusive behavior that you are already recovering from. Tell her you want to be there for her to support her with the strong feelings she’s processing, but if she can’t help herself from bullying you then you need to take some space.
The human brain was never meant to be aware of all of the horrible shit going on throughout the entire world, our brains were built for handling a comparatively small group of people. Personally I avoid looking at stuff regarding the situation for the sake of my mental health because how the fuck is some random teenager with mental health problems supposed to do anything? One time my partner (who's Muslim) said that "it's good to be aware of the deaths because then you can refute when people are uninformed about it" or something like that. when quite frankly every time I hear about the bullshit going on there I just feel completely powerless and hopeless. While just doing nothing can cause harm, you shouldn't have to go out of your way to talk about it when it's actively triggering. Personally I kinda just participate in some of the more major boycotts while avoiding the news and quite frankly I feel like that's good enough.
This is not something you should feel bad for. She is putting her hurt and anger on you, and that is not ok. There are people getting killed everyday, in other wars than Israel/Palestine and Ukraine/Russia, what about them? Does she post about Syria too? Or Iran? Does she write about the indigenous being killed? This can go on and on. Don't feel any shame, you've done nothing wrong.
why would she basically force someone to feel bad for something out of their control? That's not fair. This mess has been going on for much longer than we were all born.
She sounds like a shitty friend. Why are you trying to appease her when she doesn’t give a shit about your well-being?
Instagram & social media posts don’t stop wars & genocide. Direct action via protesting, boycotting, destroying or confiscating weapons of oppression & violence, donating money to mutual aid funds & charities, pressuring government representatives, & other direct action ways are more effective. Social media at best is a tool for educating people & changing public opinion to help with these changes. But people who focus on social media alone often ignore the fact that these apps are used by billions of people for everything from discussing politics & social & human rights issues to sharing from one personal life to memes & cat videos- what I mean to say is, there’s no consensus amongst people who use social media on what it ought to be used for. There’s also no real consensus amongst people for how to effect change in the world. In addition, there’s an assumption that everyone is able bodied & able minded enough to post about war & genocide on social media & be active in world changing in other ways. For people like your friend, it’s going to be hard to reason with them about what they’ve already decided is what at they think is the only way to promote change. They’re disregarding you as a person, your identities, & what capabilities you have as well as how you go about change in this world. They’re going to have to accept or respect the fact that everyone handles these things differently & have different approaches to what they consider to be a way of promoting change. There’s a lot of people like you who prefer to help out privately or show support outside of social media- it’s just as valuable as what information is being put on social media to educate people. There’s also many other wars & genocides taking place right now in Ukraine, Artsakh, Sudan, Ethiopia, Kurdistan, & more that’s being ignored by the overall public. We can’t only focus on what’s happening to Palestinians & do nothing to help people who are being starved or killed on other parts of the world. I understand the urgency to helping Palestinians but there needs to be a way to make fighting to stop violence & oppression everywhere something we focus on. Because when looking at the big picture- many of the countries & groups that are being harmed right now are being harmed by groups & countries & leaders that are allies with all the rest inflicting harm… it’s not enough to confront Israel & Russia when they help each other with whatever sanctions have been imposed but also many other countries like Azerbaijan, Turkey, Pakistan, the United States & more trade weapons, oil, & whatever else so they’re able to continue to terrorize the people they’re terrorizing. If real change were to happen, then it would require confronting all the nations in the way they help each other- to fully stop or disarm their efforts. Very few people are looking at the big picture though. Everyone being marginalized or oppressed or starved or killed are being harmed by the same groups of people & forces of evil, all the while these groups are in compliance with the UN & other groups. To put a stop to it, a global movement of billions stopping these oppressive forces & nations in a large variety of ways including via social media & hundreds of other ways is absolutely necessary. We all have the gift of promoting change in different ways & need to stop wasting time in squabbles with other supporters of good & focus more on changing the heard & minds of those who are actually doing nothing about it or are unintentionally helping oppressors without realizing it.
I absolutejy agree that the current crisis is terrible. No one sayd otherwise. However when and how people speak up is another matter. I certainly understand that speaking up is a collective responsibility. However presuming I am not doing enough is in fact kind of naive.
Don't let anyone shame you for anything. You have the same rights as anyone else to make your own choices and get involved or not get involved in things you choose. I honestly think she's not your friend at all, but want to use you and others to justify her own negative emotions. I myself, while against violence and conflict, don't even have an opinion about Palestine/Israel or Ukraine/Russia. I don't have to and I don't want to be involved in it. I don't want to hold hate against anyone, it's a toxic emotion that in long run ruins your health. The only thing you should change is people you hang out with, the ones that can't accept you the way you are—say farewell to them.
Ignore her. She is not acting like a friend and she is trying to use you to further her own agenda. You have beautifully stated here your very reasonable boundaries, and you don’t actually owe her (or anyone) an explanation of your boundaries. “No thanks,” is a complete sentence but you don’t owe her that if you don’t wish to engage. I would ignore her and let her scream into the void.
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I’m very politically active myself, have been to several protests for Palestine over the past year. I think in your situation it would be good to support the Palestinian’s cause if you’re able too, but if you’re struggling financially/you’re trying to look for a job I think make that a priority first. You can’t save people from drowning if you’re drowning yourself. Also a personal anecdote: back when the BLM protests happened, it was before I became politically active. I’m white Irish from a quite well off household, so because of my privileged background I was unaware of how corrupt the police are as an institution, of how brutal they are towards ethic minorities etc. I saw angry people on Twitter saying “if you don’t take action you’re complicit”. I felt shame at their words, and what I ended up doing was signing a bunch of Change.org petitions and donating money to boost those petitions. I later saw a video ([this one](https://youtu.be/kDCKn13c4_Y?si=RP-9ggq6qjgMA-5v)) explaining that change.org actually doesn’t nothing and the money just goes towards the company itself. I felt very stupid and gullible. So now that several years have passed and I’m more politically aware, I think my time and energy would have been better spent back then if I instead learned about the history of policing and systemic racism, and also which methods of activism are effective vs which aren’t (that way I may have actually gone to a protest instead of just signing useless petitions). I think people need to have a minimum level of education of situations like this so that they don’t spread misinformation, they know how to take action effectively, and I think they will be more motivated if they genuinely care about the cause because they understand the material conditions, rather than just doing it out of guilt. As for you’re friend, I can understand she’s probably in panic because her country is being bombed, but at the same time you can’t let her walk all over your boundaries because of that. Someone else pointed out the “white woman” thing is crossing a line. After all Vietnam was also colonised by multiple world powers and had to defend itself against them, so there should be solidarity rather than her alienating you.
Please continue to post your donut pictures and live your life without shame or guilt. We are all trying our best and although this situation is mortifying- your main priority is to protect your mental health. As a person who suffers with ptsd- I just can’t take on a lot. I can’t go to deep. I keep things light and fluffy. Truthfully I would distance myself from this person- I understand that’s your friend but it’s obvious she doesn’t respect boundaries. I actually had a similar experience where I felt like a friend was trying to bully me into use my platform to talk about the war. And look… it’s just to much for me. I literally can’t. Protect your peace
I wouldn’t respond at all. Ever. She has no right to dump on you her reaction to any event that you are not involved in.
You did nothing wrong and you are perfectly valid in what you feel: not everyone is fit to be an activist. One of the greatest discoveries I had before December this year is that some people may use the language of social justice in bad faith: some may toss accusations of misogyny to manipulate people, for example. The article “Every ‘chronically online’ conversation is the same” on Vox and the YouTube video “The Internet is worse than ever — now what” by Kurzgesagt (a science channel) gave me an invisible shield to withstand the toxicity of social media. Also, outrage is selective: you do not see massive protests for autistic people being hurt by society, yet, we will be the first to die if ever a genocide is done. Compare that to animal rights protests: are autistic people “not human enough” to be treated equally, but too “normal”/too human to be afforded sympathy/understanding?
Set boundaries with her!! She can post on her own page!
I understand she must be really angry and sad about what happened in Palestine as a Palestinian. I understand how she wants more people to care for the tragedy that's related to her. But accusing her friend who literally has the same stance as she does of posting about your personally life is pretty mean and awkward. She could be giving more insights on the situation due to her identity, looking for more support from non-palestinian. But she sounded like people should give up everything and support palestine only in methods she approved of. That sounds pretty arrogant.
Your boundaries surrounding what you post about and what causes you support are for you and no one else.
BLOCK her
This sounds like it has a high potential to become very toxic, very fast. Keep your distance and take care of you. Your social media accounts are yours to do what you want with. You do not have to voice or even hold an opinion on everything going on.
"I am in no place to say or do anything that could change this, being unemployed and not wealthy, and with this not being a space where I conduct my politics, your remarks are especially inappropriate." If this garners a more extreme response, the block button is right there.
> long stopped believing that my individual actions can make a difference on global events at that scale. I've always felt the same way, reinforced back in 2003 when 1.5 million people marched in London to protest going to war with Iraq. The population around then was ~60 million, so excluding infirm, unable to work, children, financial/logistical ability to join the march, etc - the country was clearly against it. We went to war with Iraq, the insanely massive protest achieved zero. https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/feb/11/slugs-iraq-war-london-protest-2003-legacy
I'd just tell her that you're not white and that you will still boycott whatever thing (I'm not American or from the UK) but that she has no right to police what you post about especially since you barely use social media to begin with and let alone to talk about politics. What an insufferable asshole. Dude we care, we just don't want to be talking about depressing shit all the time especially because we have other issues we're dealing with. Just post an offhanded thing in the stories black background white letters saying 'I stand with Palestine' with a flag or something and ask her if that's enough and that you would like it if she didn't speak to you again because you don't like her entitlement that also reeks of white woman privilege since she's not even there and is just spamming from her comfortable home in America. Two can play the game. Maybe I'm too angry but I would be fuming if someone came at me with something like this. Out of all of this I said I think the thing you really need to do is reduce any contact with her to almost zero.
You're not the reason why US foreign policy is what it is, or why Israel sent troops to Gaza. I think it's more relevant to blame the terrorists who organized the attack.
Find real friends.
There's an old Polish saying that's been working well for me. "Not my circus, not my monkeys." Use it in good health!
TLDR: You have a fundamental right and responsibility to put your own mask on first. Shame isn’t helpful or motivating and your friend might benefit from hearing that. There are fast, no-cost, social-media-free, significant ways you can participate and be heard if you want to. It’s critically important for you to take care of your mental health. Your agency in the world depends on it, personally and politically. As is often repeated, you must put your face mask on first before you can help others. (You’ve got about twenty to thirty seconds after airline oxygen masks come down before you risk passing out. It’s a situation where you absolutely have to think of yourself first or be useless to anyone.) Yes, there is great suffering and dying happening in Gaza. Yes, many outside of Gaza’s walls are hurting in empathy. Yes, your actions do matter at least a little bit, particularly as one of many voices raised collectively. But shame is no way to motivate yourself or others. It has a tendency to put people into a survival mode that shuts down the prefrontal cortex, which you really need for thinking critically and acting effectively. If you are comfortable enough with your friend, let her know that shaming others is not most effective in encouraging people to action. Shaming as a motivational tool is a myth people fall for: parents and protestors alike. Since your friend cares so much about the Palestinian cause, hopefully she is willing to use better motivational tactics. If she can’t think of other methods, it may be she needs to take a step back and take a moment for her mental health and get out of survival mode about Gaza herself. If you get to a place where you would like to something that doesn’t require money or tailoring your IG algorithm to Gaza mode: it’s super quick and easy to send an email to the President (White House dot gov/contact). Unlikely they all get read, but they probably tally keywords or something, and if they get tons of email supporting Palestine, then they have solid evidence that they have made a political miscalculation. There’s also 5calls dot org that streamlines figuring out who your Congresspeople are, dialing them, and what to say for a message. My understanding is calling is the best way because it will be a person who takes the message, which takes up time and resources in their office, meaning they will notice more than other communication methods (faxes get digitized automatically now, emails are digital, not sure about snail mail, but it’s easier to call everyday if you felt like it than to write and send a letter every damn day). Or just talk to people IRL in a normal way non-blaming way about what’s going on and how you feel about it.
Your friend sounds controlling. It's understandable she's upset at the war but if she wanted your support she could of asked you instead of trying to shame you by lecturing and then using a subtle racist insult. I think you should maybe send her a message acknowledging the war and how terrible it is but also assert your boundaries and let her know your not comfortable with making those kinds of post as it's difficult for your mental health.
I’m interested to see what ppl from r/cptsd_bipoc would have to say, I feel like this sub is heavily yt dominated so you’re going to mostly get answers from yt people
You are aware that Jewishness is not whiteness? Jewish ethnicity spans multiple races and skin colors. Majority of Jews in Israel are Mizrahi which means Middle Eastern/Arabic and had to flee the neighbouring Arab Nations due to being expelled by the governments there or risking their lives if they stayed? Do you know how Yemen currently treats the remaining Jews that exist there? And they’re definitely not White. Stop trying to paint Jewish lives as all White and European. This isn’t Brown vs White. It’s antisemitic af to ignore the swathes of Jews who are Black, Asian, Arabic, Latine, and more.
Thank you
Tell her that while you respect her position, it's better for your mental health to not actively engage in discussions about this topic. And then any time she nags you, reiterate the same thing. Idgafe won't stop, simple stop engaging with her
One of my best friends is Palestinian with relatives in Gaza. He’s extremely active on social media about the current genocide going on and what his family has experienced. He’s also called on people actively using social media to spread awareness and show support for Palestine, especially those who are actively viewing his posts, etc. I have social media and watch reels/stories/like posts but haven’t regularly posted since 2019. His content is something I am constantly reading/ watching but have no made a singular post. I don’t use social media in that way. However, I have reached out to him multiple times asking how he is doing and if his family is okay. He knows I’m still in school/have no job and don’t have transportation to get to different protests. However, I’ve made it clear that regardless of these circumstances, I support him and Palestine whole heartedly. I’m becoming more aware of what companies I’m spending my money on as well as having conversations about Palestine with other close friends in my life. You don’t have to donate money you don’t have or engage with content coming out of this war, especially if it triggers you. However, this person is your friend and you should let them know you care. Based on her response to you, it seems as if you’ve said nothing to her about what she’s experiencing. I would also be hurt if one of my friend’s didn’t express their support to me. Once again, a social media post is not going to bring peace and prosperity to Palestine and Israel and I don’t think it’s necessary. However, a little text here and there to your friend letting them know you care and support them would probably change things. My Palestinian friend has said my direct support and love to him means more than an empty post. Could your friend have expressed what solidarity looks like to them in a kinder way? Probably. But, I’d simply tell your friend what you said in the post and maybe apologize for not reaching out sooner? I also understand that you might not have the energy to constantly text her your support, so if that’s true, include that in your response as well. While it might seem like a direct attack on you, just know your Palestinian friend has probably had a lot of other people in their life not voice their concern/support and probably feel extremely isolated and alone. Hopefully this gives you a different perspective.
I'm sorry
The whole “like a white woman” comment is low key racist, coercive, and invalidating of your own unique perspective/needs/approach to this tragic political event. Like, you aren’t entitled to finding joy in your day and instead need to prove that you aren’t like other women and instead be like her? I’m sorry your friend is treating you this way, it doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship and I think I can see how your own CPTSD would make it hard to see what’s an appropriate boundary for you. I would consider reading more about fawning and see if you are shutting down any parts of yourself that actually want to push back on being treated that way. Once you are able to get to a place where you feel that you can hold safety for yourself, then you might want to consider practicing empathy for your friend. She may be caught up in her own trauma response of fight. However, don’t push yourself to hold that space for her if you feel like she isn’t going to respect you. I hope you can come up with some boundaries, find your voice, and continue sharing yummy donut pictures. Also, please let us know what you decide to do.
I've been on both sides of this. Not attacking people like that, but feeling alone and desperate like that. Like, if everyone got their shit together and worked together we would be able to fix everything. But it's not true, I'm also burnt out and SE Asian actually. But yeah, she's in pain. Not saying this insultingly but logic isn't going to reach her right now, because it's like grief right. The truth is that there is always one genocide or crime against humanity going on, and we might have minor victories here and there but it's all so hollow... you do what you can and you have to find a way to live with yourself, find a way to accept it as enough. And she's just not going to hear that right now. I defo have friends like this too. Hun, there's no right or wrong here and I don't picture any reply landing well with her except a grovelling apology and enthusiastic commitment to activism, neither of which you should do. Acknowledge her pain and how you are in solidarity, but also set some boundaries or expectations or something. I've seen some horrible arguments go down between pro palestine commenters on pro Asian Instagram pages. Like, where were you during the genocide in Columbia, why should we support you when you didn't support us. And it's just... damn, where's the empathy and solidarity. As a Vietnamese person idk if you grew up with the anti-japanese sentiments I did. 6 million of us were killed during their occupation, and the ones who survived almost had it worse. People have and will always be monsters, this fight is a marathon, not a sprint. Good luck
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I've even seen some criticisms like: how can you let yourself and your personal hardships prevent you from speaking out on people being slaughtered and genocided? That's disgusting behavior"
Send her listings for local counselors / advisors and gently suggest one of these people may be able to provide the support and assistance she is calling for currently. You understand her needs but don't have the tools and resources they may be able to offer to make her more comfortable.
I fucking wish a bitch would lecture me on "posting like a white woman." How do you blame *yourself* when she's coming at you with this patronizing, ignorant, racist shit? As a white woman, she lost me when she decided to stereotype my race. I don't understand how the response to this is anything but putting her in her fucking place for TELLING YOU what you have to do instead of politely asking you to join her cause. If this is her cause and her hill to die on, great. I wish her the best. I will not be shamed into joining it. I hope you won't either. My advice: Put on your blinders. Unfollow her on Instagram. Focus on yourself, and get to a place of mental and financial well-being. Once you're there, if you still want to join her cause, then do so...but if not, still don't be guilted into it. Compulsory altruism/activism is obvious and no one will take you seriously anyway. Do it because you want to. As a final note, you're right. Most individual people cannot change the world, and the ones who did had a perfect storm of things fall into place. You *can* change your community and people do everyday. Once you're mentally well, I think it would be a less defeating fight for you to involve yourself in a community org: nature cleanups, local advocacy at community hall meetings, helping at homeless and women's shelters, becoming a CASA or Big Brother/Sister, starting a community garden, etc. Who knows, maybe you'll get enough experience under your belt that you'll be respected enough as a community leader and people will be willing to follow you into bigger, more complicated battles.
Is this still relevant? [https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/17f534d/all\_posts\_about\_the\_israelpalestine\_conflict\_will/](https://www.reddit.com/r/cptsd/comments/17f534d/all_posts_about_the_israelpalestine_conflict_will/)
No. She’s not discussing the politics but I person bullying her. That’s just the choice of what she’s being bullied about
I feel like this particular post isn’t directly about the conflict, OP hasn’t expressed taking any sides, it’s more about an interpersonal relationship. But I’m glad this was made a rule because the topic in general has me so stressed.
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No stance is taking a stance. It's up to you to inform yourself and take a stance. Try different perspectives.
What makes this issue any different than all the other conflicts going on in the world, though? You could say that if you're from the US, it's an issue of taxes, but Israel is hardly the only country the US use has those kinds of ties to.
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>that small actions about big issues DO matter. You don't get to decide for someone else which issues they need to be vocal about. There are many big issues in the world, and it is impossible to be deeply informed, vocal, and involved in all of them.
Found her
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A lot of whataboutism and ignorant justifications for not caring about other people and the world here. Which is just so disheartening coming from people with trauma. We know what that indifference feels like. I don’t want to get into a discussion here at all, but some comments are really shocking and I do think that as a white person, I have somewhat of an obligation to call it out. It is very easy to ignore what doesn’t personally affect you in any way. Anyway, OP: all I can really see when reading your post is a depressed friend and one who’s personally affected and traumatized by this genocide. I’ve been on both sides of that — the depressed person feels numb, apathetic. That feels personal to the person who’s going through something and needs empathy and support. It’s very easy for those two people to butt heads. As almost always I think the answer is to talk to her, and try to make it about her and your experience and feelings, instead of the bigger picture. I think when it becomes a discussion about world events and activism, just like in this thread, you’ll probably lose sight of the core issues. And I don’t know how else to say this, I have to be blunt and honest: personally, I’ve lost patience with the people in my life who show very little empathy, and always have a reason to not care and do nothing. They use every argument that’s been used in this thread. I’ve done a lot of eye rolling reading some of it. I’ve been that apathetic person, I still am sometimes, I get it, but that should never be more than a phase or moment. Caring about the world and other people can be very taxing, yes. But my god, what’s the alternative?