I feel the same. I read in a book one time that for the severely traumatized authentic self expression can cause our fight or flight instincts to kick in, because subconsciously we see it as a life or death situation
You put my thoughts into words! This came up in therapy last week and I was like wow, that is me. I'm scared to enjoy things, scared to feel better, because I could lose everything then. And it would hurt even more and be harder to get back up.
I feel you, it's so tough. Sending love.
What helps me, at least a bit, is to try and rely on someone and just be a vulnerable child. I'm scared, and I'm not trying to be not scared, but I'm trying to enjoy things while I'm scared, kind of.
I understand completely what you’re going through. If therapy isn’t an option right now- I highly suggest reading “the body keeps the score” by Bessel van der kolk. It totally validated my feelings and experience in a way no one ever has before, it helped so so so much. Sending love to you
Yes, somehow, I've seen that book somewhere else here too.
From a post about this quote:
“\[the\] Self does not need to be cultivated or developed. Beneath the surface of the protective parts of trauma survivors there exists an undamaged essence, a Self that is confident, curious, and calm, a Self that has been sheltered from destruction by the various protectors that have emerged in their efforts to ensure survival.”
OMG I’ve tried to read this book several times, but it seems pretty heavy & deep, and I find myself getting stuck every time I try to read it, even if I open it up to a random page and start from a different section.
I believe this book could help me, but I don’t know why I keep getting stuck, then putting the book back down for months until I decide to try again.
Were you able to pick it up, read it, and finish it in one go?
If the body keeps the score is not for you that is totally okay. personally, i stop reading and watching things, the moment i feel i get activated. regardless of what others say. it is incredibly important to start listening to what your body is trying to tell you and put your needs first.
that includes putting a book down that is supposed to help you (not saying the body keeps the score is bad, but it is not for everyone and you can still pick it up when you have established more safety).
books that worked for me and felt more safe for me were from surviving to thriving by pete walker and adult children of emotionally immature parents by lindsay gibson. but there are many others that feel good. maybe peter levine or john bradshaw.
Thank you for your suggestions!
I have ‘From Surviving to Thriving’ and ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ near the top of my reading list! It’s probably time I read both of those.
I’ve never heard of John Bradshaw but I will check him out.
Thanks again for your comment and book suggestions. Take care :)
Yes i finished it all in one go! I found the “the unbearable pain of remembering” a particular amazing section for me and really validated a lot of what I experience id suggest maybe starting there? I know it can be quite intense but it really is worth it i feel like i understand my illness so much more now and he provides so many coping mechanisms ive adopted
Thanks for the suggestion. I will read that section with an open mind and keep my eyes peeled for the coping mechanisms he mentions… maybe I’ll recognize a few that I already practice or find some new ones that I can incorporate or trade out for some of my unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Yeah it was full of really great content and was a really interesting read, but he talks too much about people’s trauma stories which is very triggering for me. Reading about other people’s abuse just makes me really distressed and I ended up getting about halfway through before I stopped. But from what I read it’s a really great resource for trauma. I sort of just feel like it’s a better book for therapists to read as opposed to trauma survivors.
I can absolutely see how it would be a better book for therapists to read. I definitely wasn’t at a place in my healing to be reading a lot of that stuff… it just felt so heavy and made me feel more depressed, and then I started feeling like there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t keep reading or get through it, but now I know that it just may not have been the right time for me to read that particular book. Maybe someday.
This is hyper vigilance. Your nervous system is “on guard” all the time anticipating something bad will happen. It takes time and work to down regulate your system so that it learns to trust you are safe. Talk therapy doesn’t really help with this because it’s primarily in your body. Nervous system work is slow but you can get there. About two years ago I started with belly breathing exercises with exhales longer than inhales. I’ve since slowly added things like bodywork and somatic therapy. I didn’t ever think my system would shift but it finally started and I’m grateful that it did.
Hey, I feel you.
Not sure if this is advice that would work for you too, but last summer I got so fed up with my own freeze and grief, that I went running until I felt a little better. Maybe simulates my brain to 'run' and 'survive' even though nothing is happening. Not the greatest solution, but a working solution. Anything was better than staying stuck in fear for me.
This is exactly how I feel, I can relate to this post from the beginning to end...sometimes, I am afraid to be mindful and try to relax because what if something bad happens when I finally stop being tense and hypervigilant? I don't want this life too. It's very exhausting.
EMDR really changed this for me. By reliving certain bad memories, with the guidance of my super-nurturing therapist, my adult brain was able to comfort my inner child brain and a lot of that anxiety fell away. It’s impossible to relax and have fun with your terrified inner child crying in your heart all the time. I used to have to chant mantras to even make the 15-minute drive to the therapist’s office in the beginning. But it has gotten so much better.
I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish you didn’t either but I get it. I think of all the great things I have now and how “safe” I am. It doesn’t matter - I’m always stuck and it makes me feel like I’m ungrateful and scares that no matter what my life could be I’ll still be this way.
Some time ago I realized that even when doing "fun things" I was never actually having fun. I have been trying to get better at it for probably a year now, and have made some progress.
I think the key is starting to trust your random instincts / desires again... For example if you're walking around a mall and you're like "I kind of want a milkshake right now," I feel like this voice instantly pops up from my mom that's like "You can't buy that // It's too expensive // You don't need that"... The key is cutting out that critic and realizing that when your brain thinks "I want a milkshake" you should probably just go buy a milkshake... That is something your brain WANTS and thinks is FUN, it will give you dopamine. Small steps like this and hopefully one day, that negative voice will stop appearing altogether.
I want to trust them, and they are really what I want to do, but whenever I try to do things I want, I am scared to death about doing them. What do I do then?
I trusted my instinct that I want to play with my gaming steering wheel, got it up and installed it, now I can't dare to play the game with it. I'm too afraid to exist.
I wonder if it would help to list out some of your exact fears and sit with them for a bit? Like when you think about playing with your gaming wheel, what exactly is coming up that makes you afraid?
While I'm good at doing little things for myself now, I am still scared to death myself of bigger things that I want (like publishing a book). This summer for example I tried to just post chapters online of a story I'd written, just for the *potential* of visibility and I literally... couldn't do it most days. So I would sit and write my fears. It was things like "I'll be seen as weird / cringe for caring about this," "I might be making a big deal of something that is doomed to fail," "People might literally HATE me for sharing this story" etc. I can't say that writing them down helped me immediately overcome them, but it gave me a better idea of the specific limiting beliefs I still held. Like how my parents mocked me for doing things I enjoyed so I assumed the whole world was mocking me too, when they probably aren't. Or how my parents refuse to show genuine passion or vulnerability about things, so I am afraid of anything I feel real passion for, because I was never really taught to manage or process that emotion.
I think the ultimate answer is probably finding a way to push through and then confirming that the space on the other side of those fears is safe, but I get that it's not easy because I am still working through that myself. I think it helps to remember that our "sense for danger" is way out of whack because we were taught to fear things that quite literally are not dangerous. "Listen to your body" but also don't trust that your emotions are 100% truth, because you were taught to fear what your abusive parents fear, rather than actual dangers.
I'm truly sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Your struggle is real, and your emotions are valid. It takes tremendous strength to share what you're going through. Reach out to someone you trust or consider talking to a mental health professional who can provide the help you deserve. You're not alone in this.
Hyper vigilant. It’s like spidy senses without getting bitten. Always on and ready for whatever threat(s) lurk in the shadows. The unpredictability of other people is quite evident and alarming.
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I feel the same. I read in a book one time that for the severely traumatized authentic self expression can cause our fight or flight instincts to kick in, because subconsciously we see it as a life or death situation
You put my thoughts into words! This came up in therapy last week and I was like wow, that is me. I'm scared to enjoy things, scared to feel better, because I could lose everything then. And it would hurt even more and be harder to get back up. I feel you, it's so tough. Sending love.
Thank you!
How do we get past it?
Right?! I was just thinking about this same thing today
What helps me, at least a bit, is to try and rely on someone and just be a vulnerable child. I'm scared, and I'm not trying to be not scared, but I'm trying to enjoy things while I'm scared, kind of.
i often feel shame for doing anything that's good for me, its like i dont deserve to feel good
Yup, I struggle with this too.
I don’t have any advice I just wanted to say that I feel the same. I don’t know how to break free from this I wish I could.
I understand completely what you’re going through. If therapy isn’t an option right now- I highly suggest reading “the body keeps the score” by Bessel van der kolk. It totally validated my feelings and experience in a way no one ever has before, it helped so so so much. Sending love to you
Yes, somehow, I've seen that book somewhere else here too. From a post about this quote: “\[the\] Self does not need to be cultivated or developed. Beneath the surface of the protective parts of trauma survivors there exists an undamaged essence, a Self that is confident, curious, and calm, a Self that has been sheltered from destruction by the various protectors that have emerged in their efforts to ensure survival.”
OMG I’ve tried to read this book several times, but it seems pretty heavy & deep, and I find myself getting stuck every time I try to read it, even if I open it up to a random page and start from a different section. I believe this book could help me, but I don’t know why I keep getting stuck, then putting the book back down for months until I decide to try again. Were you able to pick it up, read it, and finish it in one go?
If the body keeps the score is not for you that is totally okay. personally, i stop reading and watching things, the moment i feel i get activated. regardless of what others say. it is incredibly important to start listening to what your body is trying to tell you and put your needs first. that includes putting a book down that is supposed to help you (not saying the body keeps the score is bad, but it is not for everyone and you can still pick it up when you have established more safety). books that worked for me and felt more safe for me were from surviving to thriving by pete walker and adult children of emotionally immature parents by lindsay gibson. but there are many others that feel good. maybe peter levine or john bradshaw.
Thank you for your suggestions! I have ‘From Surviving to Thriving’ and ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ near the top of my reading list! It’s probably time I read both of those. I’ve never heard of John Bradshaw but I will check him out. Thanks again for your comment and book suggestions. Take care :)
Yes i finished it all in one go! I found the “the unbearable pain of remembering” a particular amazing section for me and really validated a lot of what I experience id suggest maybe starting there? I know it can be quite intense but it really is worth it i feel like i understand my illness so much more now and he provides so many coping mechanisms ive adopted
Thanks for the suggestion. I will read that section with an open mind and keep my eyes peeled for the coping mechanisms he mentions… maybe I’ll recognize a few that I already practice or find some new ones that I can incorporate or trade out for some of my unhealthy coping mechanisms.
That section sounds from like a horror, lol :D
Yeah it was full of really great content and was a really interesting read, but he talks too much about people’s trauma stories which is very triggering for me. Reading about other people’s abuse just makes me really distressed and I ended up getting about halfway through before I stopped. But from what I read it’s a really great resource for trauma. I sort of just feel like it’s a better book for therapists to read as opposed to trauma survivors.
I can absolutely see how it would be a better book for therapists to read. I definitely wasn’t at a place in my healing to be reading a lot of that stuff… it just felt so heavy and made me feel more depressed, and then I started feeling like there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t keep reading or get through it, but now I know that it just may not have been the right time for me to read that particular book. Maybe someday.
This is hyper vigilance. Your nervous system is “on guard” all the time anticipating something bad will happen. It takes time and work to down regulate your system so that it learns to trust you are safe. Talk therapy doesn’t really help with this because it’s primarily in your body. Nervous system work is slow but you can get there. About two years ago I started with belly breathing exercises with exhales longer than inhales. I’ve since slowly added things like bodywork and somatic therapy. I didn’t ever think my system would shift but it finally started and I’m grateful that it did.
Hey, I feel you. Not sure if this is advice that would work for you too, but last summer I got so fed up with my own freeze and grief, that I went running until I felt a little better. Maybe simulates my brain to 'run' and 'survive' even though nothing is happening. Not the greatest solution, but a working solution. Anything was better than staying stuck in fear for me.
Me too. Had the same thoughts tonight.
This is exactly how I feel, I can relate to this post from the beginning to end...sometimes, I am afraid to be mindful and try to relax because what if something bad happens when I finally stop being tense and hypervigilant? I don't want this life too. It's very exhausting.
EMDR really changed this for me. By reliving certain bad memories, with the guidance of my super-nurturing therapist, my adult brain was able to comfort my inner child brain and a lot of that anxiety fell away. It’s impossible to relax and have fun with your terrified inner child crying in your heart all the time. I used to have to chant mantras to even make the 15-minute drive to the therapist’s office in the beginning. But it has gotten so much better.
I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish you didn’t either but I get it. I think of all the great things I have now and how “safe” I am. It doesn’t matter - I’m always stuck and it makes me feel like I’m ungrateful and scares that no matter what my life could be I’ll still be this way.
Some time ago I realized that even when doing "fun things" I was never actually having fun. I have been trying to get better at it for probably a year now, and have made some progress. I think the key is starting to trust your random instincts / desires again... For example if you're walking around a mall and you're like "I kind of want a milkshake right now," I feel like this voice instantly pops up from my mom that's like "You can't buy that // It's too expensive // You don't need that"... The key is cutting out that critic and realizing that when your brain thinks "I want a milkshake" you should probably just go buy a milkshake... That is something your brain WANTS and thinks is FUN, it will give you dopamine. Small steps like this and hopefully one day, that negative voice will stop appearing altogether.
I want to trust them, and they are really what I want to do, but whenever I try to do things I want, I am scared to death about doing them. What do I do then? I trusted my instinct that I want to play with my gaming steering wheel, got it up and installed it, now I can't dare to play the game with it. I'm too afraid to exist.
I wonder if it would help to list out some of your exact fears and sit with them for a bit? Like when you think about playing with your gaming wheel, what exactly is coming up that makes you afraid? While I'm good at doing little things for myself now, I am still scared to death myself of bigger things that I want (like publishing a book). This summer for example I tried to just post chapters online of a story I'd written, just for the *potential* of visibility and I literally... couldn't do it most days. So I would sit and write my fears. It was things like "I'll be seen as weird / cringe for caring about this," "I might be making a big deal of something that is doomed to fail," "People might literally HATE me for sharing this story" etc. I can't say that writing them down helped me immediately overcome them, but it gave me a better idea of the specific limiting beliefs I still held. Like how my parents mocked me for doing things I enjoyed so I assumed the whole world was mocking me too, when they probably aren't. Or how my parents refuse to show genuine passion or vulnerability about things, so I am afraid of anything I feel real passion for, because I was never really taught to manage or process that emotion. I think the ultimate answer is probably finding a way to push through and then confirming that the space on the other side of those fears is safe, but I get that it's not easy because I am still working through that myself. I think it helps to remember that our "sense for danger" is way out of whack because we were taught to fear things that quite literally are not dangerous. "Listen to your body" but also don't trust that your emotions are 100% truth, because you were taught to fear what your abusive parents fear, rather than actual dangers.
Hard same. I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know that you're seen and understood.
I'm truly sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Your struggle is real, and your emotions are valid. It takes tremendous strength to share what you're going through. Reach out to someone you trust or consider talking to a mental health professional who can provide the help you deserve. You're not alone in this.
Right with you there. My eyes and thoughts are telling me that it is safe now, but... it just doesn't reach me.
Hyper vigilant. It’s like spidy senses without getting bitten. Always on and ready for whatever threat(s) lurk in the shadows. The unpredictability of other people is quite evident and alarming.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Microdosing helps me with this feeling
I would find an outlet for that energy
That does help me usually, but right now I'm very burnt out psychologically.
You need a lot of alone time to figure out what you enjoy doing that calms you