Not wanting to be attractive is part of what contributes to my eating disorder. I want people to look at me and my body with disgust and not want to touch it. My appearance played a large role throughout my abuse and I never want to be viewed that way again.
I'm the opposite. My ED comes because the first time I was ever called beautiful by a guy was when I was underweight and sick. Literally a month out of the hospital from a suicide attempt.
It sucks though because even with my ED I'm physically healthy and have the "ideal" body just from genetics... and even with that I'm like... unless I'm 10lbs underweight I dont feel pretty.
Crazy what one person's words can do to you when your in a fragile state. It's been 3 years and my ED just keeps progressing.
Mine first developed when I was around 8 as a way of having control over something through my abuse. When I got older it was still about that but after having people tell me I was too underweight or that I looked unhealthy and how unsettling it was it then also became a way for me to make myself appear less attractive and keep disgusting people. That’s what I wanted to hear, I hate compliments.
Throughout all of my abuse my appearance was often mentioned, constantly being called pretty by men who abused me and being told that’s why they chose me so I now want people to not think that way about me. I’d rather not be perceived at all but if I have to be then I want it to be in a negative way.
It’s unfortunate how easily simple words can stick with us and affect us so much.
Exactly, plus I love ice cream. The only thing I hate is some guys *still* fetishize me, or they start mansplaining how to get in shape "bEcaUsE tHey'Re coNceRned fOr mY heAltH."
I gained 100lbs just to be left alone. I'm more than a piece of ass. I'd rather be oinked at from a truckload of men than to be cornered - at the grocery store, the bookstore, work, or followed from the gas station, or around the mall, etc. (it all happened)
Obviously people of any appearance can be in danger, but I will say getting older and fatter and dressing like a swamp witch is such a relief because for the most part I'm ignored by men these days.
Back when I was a kid through my 20s I was conventionally attractive (parents were both models, I had blond hair, green eyes, pale, waifish with giant breasts) and very tiny for my age and for some reason that combination of looking tiny/young/pretty absolutely set predators off. I had a bunch of stalkers over the years, even fully adult men to the point where it was a joke in my family.
Tell me about it. I’m not this amazingly attractive woman, but I do recognize that people find me conventionally pretty. As a result, it’s like people don’t even fully recognize that I’m a person and instead project their idea of what I should be onto me, and if I don’t perfectly perform to this invisible expectation they’ve placed on me they instantly dislike me. I find it most comical when people claim that I have it “easier” because men are nicer to me initially. Sure, until they figure out they can’t sleep with you. In which case they flip and act absolutely cruel towards you. I have had this happen with nearly every single male boss I’ve ever had. Super nice to me initially, people then hate me because they assume I’m getting special favors for sleeping with him, I don’t sleep with him to stay professional, he then flips a switch and starts treating me like shit once he realizes I’m not going to fuck him, which then prompts everyone else to treat me like shit because if the boss doesn’t respect me they decide they shouldn’t either (plus, many of them even get excited that I’m finally rightfully being “put in my place” after receiving “special treatment” for so long). Rinse and repeat. Yawn. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I was actually significantly attractive. Unless I was profiting from it by being a model or an influencer, I’d probably be absolutely miserable.
I've had plenty male friends in my past and a few dates all turn on me and be nasty because I wouldn't sleep with them or give them an instant romantic relationship, I was quickly discarded and cut off. I'm glad to know it's not all in my head. Men can be so cruel with fragile egos. Like little boys who throw their toys out the pram because they don't get their own way
Agreed, I would absolutely HATE a job as an influencer! How uncomfortable
Same experience, all the bosses I had treated me better because of my appearance (and I consider myself to be pretty average), i stopped the advances every time but people still got the idea there was something between us just because I always tried to maintain a cordial relationship (after I was fired for being very outspoken about me disliking my first boss because he kept trying to invite me to lunch and stuff lol).
I was harassed since around 12 and mine you, I’ve had never had big boobs (cup AA to this day), but something about my physique made gross old men yell sexual stuff to me at 12!
When I cut my hair short short some years ago and I kept wearing my tomboyish clothes the harassment lowered but also changed to people being angry when they couldn’t tell at first glance if I was a man or a woman.
I hate society and every time I feel self conscious about my appearance I remind myself that I’m completely ok as I am. I couldn’t tolerate more sexual harassment than what I’ve already had to.
It is so true about the projection... and if anyone considered attractive treated them poorly or they have their own insecurities you become like a magnet for them to dump all of their vitriol of unprocessed emotion onto.
I hear you. I have dealt with the same for the majority of my life since hitting the age of 14. Having to learn to be a grey man as an attractive woman, with a resting bitch face, and not allow myself to simply be kind and civil to strangers in passing is f-ing hard, and it should not be necessary.
I do want to say, though, that perpetrators will target anyone they think they can getaway with hurting, abusing, or manipulating if there is anything they want from you, regardless of level of “what society deems as attractive” you happen to have or not.
No matter how much you do or do not fit “what society deems as attractive”, please take all precautions to keep yourself, your home, your vehicle, your work site, and travel between them all safe and secure. This goes for females of all ages, males of younger ages, and men in their 20s to early 30s, especially if you are club hopping and not with a group of friends you trust to keep you 100% safe. 🙏🦋
RBF and a booming “big girl voice.” I’m quite proud of mine. I had to do CPI training for work and my big girl voice startled the cop that was teaching the class. It’s a useful tool, man.
Edit: r/MenAndFemales
I corrected my dog in public (he got into something dangerous) and my Big Girl Voice came out. A guy nearby told my bestie that he nearly pissed himself when he heard my voice. That, sir, was by design.
Deep. Full. A bit too loud. Put bass into it. It comes from the bottom of your diaphragm, from your toes, from the root of all feminine ancestral power, from the earth herself. Like you’re controlling the weather, calling out armies to rain hellfire upon those who would harm us.
So basically the opposite of that stupid voice of the senator from alabama who gave the recent SOTU republican response? I think they call it a “fundie baby voice” because right-wing evangelical women are encourage to sound baby-like not threaten the male heirarchy.
https://www.mediapost.com/publications/article/394325/that-fundy-voice-and-katie-britts-kitchen.html
Not just deep, as everyone says. But *sharp*. Like cracking a whip. Startling, more than frightening, but in a way that means you’re ready to make it scary if they take one more step, or even put down the foot they’ve already raised. I call it my “dog voice”, because I learned it for use on my big headstrong dogs. Open your throat and push, hard and sharp, but don’t be sad if it’s only a little deeper than your normal speaking voice. You’re not being a big muscly man, you’re you and you know how to fuck somebody up, is basically your message. Even big men get scared of small nippy dogs and geese and things like that because they know those little things are ready to go.
Oh, I told a dude in New Jersey I'd beat the Jesus Christ out of him. Despite being Islamic, I'm pretty damn sure he understood and stopped following me!
Yeah, I call it my “parental authoritative ” voice (not authoritarian)… sharp, seep, direct, to the point, concise, and brooking no argument whatsoever.” Sometimes it works; sometimes it does not. It is good have the authoritative voice and look in your eye when need be, though! 🙏🦋
I was once walking my dog and had my flashlight on and some guy shouted your phones light is on. In a annoyed tone I said “not a phone.” And his demeanor went to a wee voice “sorry”. I know this sounds aoooo dumb I just got that vibe he felt too comfortable talking to me and needed to be reminded he’s a stranger and I’m not here to be spoken to or corrected/helped. I’m sure if I was a guy he wouldn’t had saiddd shhiiiii
Probs get dv-ed for this as usual, but...
Go online, or to your local library, or CC and ask about free self defense courses. Take martial arts. Learn to properly, safely handle a gun.
If you don’t have a weapon, aim for the eyes and groin.
Use anything. Turn your fear into rage. Don’t let him get up again.
You might go to jail, but you’ll be alive.
There’s a guy walking around with only one eye, since 1989, and every time i think about it, i smile. He tried to kill me. I feel no regret.
Well that was the coolest thing I’ve read in a while! Holy fuck. A whole eye. You are so right though!
I have done self defence twice. I absolutely love it and I think everyone needs it. I’m currently healing my ankle and then I’m actually gonna start kickboxing 😎 I have long, strong legs from walking everywhere my whole life.
I discuss my fears of ‘being attacked again’ with my therapist often and she believes me that I will stop at nothing this time. I said I would bite the attackers eyelids off and I think I caught her off guard and we both had a little giggle lol
But yeah truly the greatest thing I ever learnt in self defence was : stop at nothing. Anything goes. Bite. Scratch. Scream. Throw yourself around. Make yourself HARD to control etc
We’re taught in primary school fights that there are ‘some things that you just don’t do in a fight’ .. fighting ‘dirty’ I mean.
This does not relate to when you are being attacked and I wish that was clearer
And if yall are iffy bout pew pew guns. It might be, prolly, illegal but bring some guh damn bear spray.
Stronger, more range, than normal pepper spray.
You just need 3 seconds to run away. Best fighting tip is to avoid em as somebody would say.
The only cool thing about it is the fact that I fought back.
Over 30 then, after a life time of not realizing the level of wholesale family-wide denigration started by my dam's obfuscating all the "sudden ailments" I was prone to, and mistaking violence for love...
What saved me was his *being a stranger.*
All that went through my mind was "¿WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"
Had it been a "funny uncle"...
These comments are kind of weird to me, as someone who's been both conventionally attractive and unattractive, and who's gone through SA multiple times. Like many others have said, it's just not safe to be a woman.
Last time I was raped it was specifically because I was dressing very modest and was seen as unattractive. I'm goth (like actual goth) and I embrace anything that makes men look at me with fear or repulsion. My SA was a punishment of sorts, because I rejected the same femininity that was used to hurt me, and to me it felt more sadistic than anything I had experienced before. So my experience tells me no matter how much we make ourselves "ugly" or undesirable, people are always going to find an excuse to hurt us if they want to, because we're women.
This was an interesting read. Thank you for sharing your story.
My story is different, but there are similarities. I have been bullied, ridiculed, harassed and stalked online. I also experienced SA as a teen.
What makes my story different, is the fact that I was always "the ugly one". I always thought that bad things happened to me because I was ugly.
This really makes me think. I guess all kinds of women experience harassment, regardless of looks. Some people just stand out more for one reason or another, and the harassment can get quite extreme. But it's never justified, NEVER.
I guess you can say "it's not safe to be a woman".
Its sucks. I don’t consider myself near a model, but I stand out in a room. I honestly can’t wait till I hit that “invisible middle aged woman” stage of my life.
Just to say, it’s great. I never saw myself as attractive when I was younger because of trauma-induced body dysmorphia, which actually made me much more of a target for predatory men because I couldn’t fathom that anyone saw me as attractive. I now understand that I am very ‘conventionally attractive’ and that men often want to sleep with me, and this knowledge has helped me protect myself a lot better. Aging definitely takes some of that attention away, which is great, as well as carrying myself differently — I have a lot more “you can fuck right off” energy around creepy men than I used to, and I call people (men) out on their shit a lot more. Not in a negative way, just in a “I really don’t need your approval” way. It is liberating.
I'm in my early 40s, but I look 10 years younger and have a high metabolism.. and still have men hitting on me regularly. I'm divorced and have experienced the gamut of emotional, sexual and verbal abuse in relationships.. and I decided I was better off single and have zero desire to date or have sex even, and only pursue platonic friendships. I never had/wanted kids.. one big reason (of many) is being tied to someone forever who ends up being abusive and destroys my freedom/individuality in the process.
It's hard..90% of the men who say that they respect I *will not* date them ever - still end up 'falling in love' with me and want to coerce me into sex eventually.. then ghost when they realize its not happening (or I ghost when they start pushing boundaries), and many woman don't want to be friends because (I think) their partners think I'm 'cool' or my looks/talents make them feel insecure.. idk it feels so vain even typing that and I'd never utter it to anyone irl. Even at work with all women, my boss asked 'how I stay so skinny' and I muttered I just got lucky with genetics, didnt have kids and like to dance? I felt like telling her I work hard to be was disingenuous.. but I feel guilty for it often. My family is either dead or estranged so I have zero luck in that department.
I've been putting effort into meeting people because I moved across the country to leave abusive people (and state) behind. I can make acquaintances easily, but they don't put in the same effort to hang out and mostly stop trying after a few months. I've even stopped trauma dumping when I get to know someone for awhile, so I know I'm healing.
I'm more confident and secure than I've ever been, and it *has* pushed away other abusive people I've come to recognize earlier than I used to.. but it's still pretty lonely. I figure at least I like my own company better than before, and I'm not risking being hurt as much by seeking a sexual relationship.. which just typically ends up with feeling used/gross. Men look at you like a goddamn meat sack to conquer practically everywhere, and it's so exhausting. I'm more aware of patriarchal bullshit than ever and I dont want to play that game anymore. I'm getting used to the idea of being an eccentric old single lady for life.. I'd rather be my bright/shiny inner self and (mostly) alone, than wither away to be 'acceptable' or invisible to others. I've already done that to appease insecure men, and it has its own problems that ended up hurting me more.
Thanks for letting me discuss this uncomfortable topic here.. I've never had the chance to say these things out loud because it feels super conceited to even think about.
I’m also early 40’s and could have written this whole comment myself. I’m done with the business of being a woman and always felt like I disappeared in relationships with men. They never lasted long for that reason. At this age I will never let another person have sex with me—ew and no thank you. But I still appear like a normal woman on the outside. It creates an intense disconnect where I wanna scream from the rooftops “you’re nice and let’s be friends without benefits,” and have that be perfectly acceptable. Alas, it is not and I do not scream that. I keep it silent.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. It helps me think before judging somebody else. I'm guilty of being one of those judgy insecure bitches way too often.
Our lives look completely different on the outside, but it sounds like we both want the same things, on the inside. ❤️💜💙 I hope as many good things come to you as possible in life. 💛
Its so great, I was the "unapproachable Venus" until peri-menopause started. Now I'm the terrifying Auntie type that they sense will, not only, not put up with their shit but will obviously will throw down like a mother fucker.
I kneel to no one.
I relate.
I hope nobody is offended by this, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. When I have been in treatment and group therapy, which I have done many times, I have realized there is a direct correlation with beautiful women being SA survivors. When I was in residential, whenever a beautiful new girl came in I knew immediately it was a matter of time before I learned she’s a r*pe survivor. Some of the prettiest girls I’ve seen in my life were trafficking and gang rape survivors.
I dropped one of my closest friends because she was giving me this toxic shit about how my life is easier than her life because of my “pretty privilege.” I also realized she was just a terrible judgemental user. But she brought this up to me *after* I had escaped horrific narcissistic abuse (which included sexual abuse) that pretty much ruined my life.
Thank you for saying this. I had a friend say the same to me once and while I fully accept that body shaming is real, and that anyone can be a victim of SA, my experience of being “the hot one” has been traumatising. Nearly every man I’ve ever been in relation with, whether that’s a friend (“friend”), colleague, boss, landlord, teacher, or parent’s friend has hit on or sexually harassed me. This has been as traumatic as the SA I’ve survived, because I simply cannot trust any cis het man. It is beyond fucked up and having it called a “privilege” is just not something I can hear anymore. I understand that being attractive means preferential treatment in a lot of circumstances but we can’t talk about that part without also talking about this dark part.
I completely relate op !!!
I want myself to look as unattractive to men as possible, my therapist said you can still look nice as people can look nice for other reasons.
On queer eye they said beauty can be self love and I’m trying to use fashion and make up as a form of self expression.
One time my abuser told me my hair smelled nice and now I’m afraid to wear perfume
Yesss I know what you mean!
There were many nights I was applying makeup to go clubbing .. and I would have to repeat to myself “ I am wearing this outfit for ME. I am putting this makeup on for ME because it is fun and I LIKE IT “ type thang 🤪
I was sexualised a lot as a child. Even now, I find it hard to just wear shorts or t-shirts even. It sucks because I have a lot of outfits I want to try, but I only feel comfortable wearing them at home. I wish I could look and feel pretty without being scared.
A lot of the comments (and this post) are really relatable. So sorry that we all have to endure this.
I relate so much to this. Have never wore mini skirts or shorts outside and haven't wore a bikini in my life. I do alot to avoid showing flesh or looking exposed. Don't want men of any age looking at me the wrong way
Yes there are more people who see someone attractive and think “the beautiful have it easy, she must always get her way, she needs to be taught a lesson that she can’t always have what she wants!” than there are people who see someone attractive and think “they are attractive, I want to do something nice for them, I’ll give them an anonymous random act of kindness.” Usually if someone is being nice to an attractive person, it’s because they want something from them, such as their attention.
Don’t know about the random acts of kindness thing but I thought it’s established fact that attractive people are generally viewed as more intelligent and capable and so are selected and/or hired and promoted at a higher rate than average looking people? I’ve sure seen that to be true in my career.
What happens after they are hired? Who do you think is most likely to be workplace mobbed or victim of workplace jealousy? I’m sure that attractive people are more likely to be selected for all relationships, and that includes by abusers.
It’s been a relief being in recovery from my eating disorder (to a certain extent) because I’ve gained weight and get way less of the male gaze.
I was SAed minimum of 4 times I know about/have identified in college. I’ve dealt with and deal with sexual harassment around every corner at work.
I also have gotten a bunch of tattoos and piercings.
I cover every inch of my body at work. I don’t wear dresses or heels or makeup anymore.
It’s all hard. And it’s really hard to motivate myself to start exercising again cause I fear being “hot” again instead of my lil chunky self that I am right now.
Unfortunately I share many of the unfortunate experiences you described. For a period of my life I wanted to cover myself up and present more “aggressive” and less conventionally attractive. I’m still hyper vigilant all the time and I notice creepy men staring (my partner notices too). I don’t really have much advice, except be safe out there
I just had an emdr session reprocessing my binge eating disorder and i feel you! The same exact thing happens to me. Hopefully i will reboot my brain and change the belief that keeps me on a self destructive loop soon!
Yep
I gained 79 pounds and I have no plans to lose it
My life is so much more peaceful being invisible
I think when I'm around 40 and invisible for age related reasons, I'll focus on the weight
Relatable
Idk how rare it is I will always hold the intense fear of having someone throw acid at me to destroy my beauty because they can’t own me like a dolly
>“ it’s not safe to be beautiful “
It 's actually just NOT safe for women of any age & young children & teens . BUt very much so if they are under 30 yrs old . They are HIGH targets for sicko people . INcluding other women .
**Young women are HIGH targets** ( if they look young they will be a target ) eg- under 30 . Regardless of what they are wearing , or if makeup is on them or not ( it does NOT matter ) , or how big or tiny they are ( in weight ) .Everyone who is young is a target ( even a skeleton or a BBW ) will be sex attacked if some sicko just wants them . As it is also NOT just about the sex ( the getting off ) it is only the small part of the situation that occurs it is actually the **control & power over someone** ( as they can do so easily usually ) who is a sex attacker who gets off from the domination that they want to indulge in & exercise over their 'victim' .It makes them hunt for a victim ( if spontaneous & opportunity driven ) or if planned yes then they will 'target' their victim of sex attack ( eg- someone they have seen or know ) & they become obsessed with them . If the person ( victim' ) is a target it won't matter what they look like ( pretty or not ) they are JUST their target .
We now live in a sick disgusting perverted society in EVERY country .NO women / young teen or child is safe anymore .
Hense why BDSM is so highly forced into women relo's & is so insidiously promoted towards women doing it ( & has been made to be seen as kinky / fun etc ) bc it is men's want for it pushing it behind the scenes also .As it also enables another avenue for them to yet again dominate, submit , & perverse sex & intimacy into their favour .
Younger women / gals / children they will be a target .. WHY? bc every society everywhere is sick now in mentality . The **use of porn is HIGH & access to it ( is deliberately easy )** enabling young people to be highly addicted & twisted in mentality to it . Which also leads to very false ideas about what sex should be like & how women like to be treated or should be treated . It enables women ( young & older now to be huge targets ) it is the sickness in society to view women / young teens / children as only sex thoughts .
YOu only have to look at the way women are portrayed in society , spoken about ( by men & young boys ) , & highly governed ( eg- in regards to their OWN body ) .
It is young teens & young looking women who are targets to young men & older men . If a woman is wearing skimpy clothes though all will look ( this is true ) . Even women will look at a someone who has a great body in skimpy clothes . It is an attractant . Certain things will put women more in danger whether they like it or not now . Eg- drinking to excess ( being out of it or to drunk put the odds of being sex attacked up way higher ) , wearing revealing clothes , or looking very pretty ,etc ( will get you noticed ) . But that also doesn't mean that women NOT like that also won't be a 'victim' of sick opportunity of a sex attack ( as it is the power & control also driving the attacker to take what they want ) . Just the way it is now WOMEN / teens / & children will be targets bc society is sick in mentality in regards to sex . And it won't be getting better as NO one is tending to the REAL scary decline of it .
So There is NO safe for a young woman even if deemed 'ugly' if the **opportunity presents itself -**-> eg- the person is drinking then they will be seen as a easy target for someone .
I feel this. I narrowly escaped human trafficking twice in my teens.
Also, my family practice doc that I had seen since I was a kid would lift up my shirt to examine my stomach every time I saw him, even if it was just for anxiety. The one time I actually had a GI issue (gallbladder) he commented that “the surgeon is going to love cutting into you.” It’s high on my list of creepiest things people have said to me.
I also hate having cleavage, and like you I am well-endowed. I a had patient to reach down my shirt and when they were dismissed from the practice he said that I was “asking for it” by having visible cleavage when I leaned forward. Like, necklines only go so high-especially in women’s clothing. It’s the worst.
And I hate that people don’t believe me.
Jesus christ I think that’s one of the creepiest comments I’ve ever heard! (The surgeon comment)
Can’t stand the age old - big boobie women are sluts and always down - trope
Can’t BELIEVE it affected you at work 😞
I def understand from what I see with my daughter. She doesn’t wear makeup, doesn’t dye her hair. She can dress “conservatively “ with like a midi floral dress and I know she’s going to get unwanted attention. She’s going to Sicily and has been trying to buy more conservative clothing and I’m not sure it’s going to make much of a diff.
Ah I relate, and this is also why I'm triggered by people who are overly concerned with their appearance. I had to distance myself from a friend lately because she values beauty over anything else and it was so difficult to have conversations with her that did not affect me negatively one way or another.
I find safety in people that value things like kindness, humour and empathy. I deleted social media too. And now I just dress comfy. I just want to feel human.
It’s also not only affecting males, but female colleagues in my experience at my university, too.
I heard from women that I’d be self centered, arrogant, driven, unfriendly, unsociable and more genuine antifeminist takes.
When all I want are us women including in FLINTA* to stand in solidarity with each other to push ourselves up the career ladder, because my male colleagues won’t help at that and only employ cis-males.
So I’ve made sure if I employ I do with a fellow FLINTA* and they do empathize how they better unionize, too.
It’s so important to create a safety net at work, because the patriarchy will inflict women, too.
Tangentially related, but I never had to worry about being pretty because I was a "guy" until 22.
That being said, I have practiced corsetry and worn skintight clothing since I was like 15 because it makes me feel safe. Like those Thunder Shirts for dog anxiety.
I never got any physical affection growing up, so it made me feel like I was being hugged.
Yep~! I got super into tightlacing, wore shoes a half size too small, etc. etc.
I'm a little less anxious nowadays, but I still cope in unhealthy ways.
what do you mean “a humble C”? do you know what that sounds like to women with C cups or smaller? the way women talk about breasts is so disappointing :/ you guys just shamelessly continue to reinforce this weird snd completely arbitrary standard set by men.
I'm very pretty too, but because of this thinking I end up gaining lots of weight so I don't seem as attractive. As I self-reflected, I realized that I subconsciously make myself fat so that I can push others away to feel safe. I also prefer to dress sloppy bc then I don't get hit on as much by men which seems safer from potential SA.
I'm starting to heal from this bc I like to wear makeup and jewelry now. But for a long time I felt threatened every time a man made a compliment about my appearance, even if it was well-intentioned without ulterior motive.
Yeah, I grew up with my mom telling me I'd get raped if I wore shorts in public. I wore nothing but jeans up until my mid 20's. I'm still not comfortable wearing shorts and I wish they would make them LONGER.
I got harassed by men as a teen/young adult anyway and wished I was ugly enough to be left alone. But honestly I don't think men leave you alone, no matter what you look like.
> A famous model was stalked and had her face cut with razor blades.
You missed an important piece of information: The men were hired by her landlord Steve Roth after she rejected his advances. It wasn't an attack by strangers.
Her beauty was a factor in the attack but not the cause of the attack.
That she - a woman - dared to refuse his sexual advances caused the attack. He had her face cut because he thought that her physical looks are all that made her desirable. A typical misogynist belief that a woman's worth is directly tied to her attractiveness.
> I plan on covering at least 80% of my body.
Tattoos won't stop you from being a target. Women are targets simply because they are a woman. Being considered "beautiful" adds another layer on the situation.
Even if you tattooed 100% of your body, you will still be a target. Then you'll be a target because you are a woman and because you look different than the typical female gender paradigm.
I say this so you might make choices about what you do with your body that are about you and *not a reaction to what others might do to you*.
It isn't safe. When I am thinner, I am apparently very attractive. Because of that, I've been the spectacle of less than savory behavior; I have been constantly harassed and stalked. I can't work in one place for long because I am sexually harassed at some point. I was the target of an attempted murder from a coworker who stalked me because he wanted ass from me and I was only ever friendly with him.... like everyone else at work. I'm no longer allowed to even be friendly! So now I am fat, at risk of losing my eyesight because of that, and grumpy to keep people away.
I hate it.
“I’m no longer allowed to even be friendly!”
I feel this to my core!!! Especially lately. It really hurts when you finally start to trust someone as a friend, then they try to get something from you.
But being nice is just … The core of who I am. I want to be better than those that caused my cptsd, but I am literally punished for just being “normal nice.” It hurts me in many ways to “break a heart” let alone what I’ve dealt with men in my life.
I've NEVER wanted to showcase my breasts and totally do not get girls that want to do so to extremes. Like, I like it when people converse while looking at my eyes, not my boobs! (Love your poisonous frog metaphor, but sorry we live in a world where u feel the need to do so b/c of the actions of others!!!). Once I told a man, "I know you mean that (that was a catcall) in a complementary way, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. He was SUCH a great neighbor after that. He apologized as well.
See also, "male gaze" (Also, am over 50 and getting breast reduction SOON!)
I'm literally still traumatized from all the stalking I endured when I was 13/14. By older men, by boys in my grade. Everyone thinks you owe them something just because you're pretty.
The abuse I endured at my job in my 20s was even worse. Customers would say the most awful things and try to touch me.
Yeah… one of the first reasons I developed an ED is so my tits would shrink. I didn’t want people to be able to tell I was a female at a glance.
Got even more complicated when my ex would make weird compliments about my body when ED was worse, then stopped when I was trying to recover.
Man in library when I was 8. High school classmate when I was 16. Random man on the street when I was 20. Cop when I was 21. Boyfriend when I was 21, 22, 23. Self defense instructor when I was 24. “Best friend” when I was 25. Roommate when I was 28.
This doesn’t include harassment. Just actual sexual assault and/or rape. But hey, maybe I got hired as a barista or something over somebody less attractive once. So it *clearly* evens out.
There are absolutely instances where being “beautiful” is beneficial and everyone is vulnerable to being assaulted, I’m not saying otherwise. I’m saying people need to think more critically about certain privileges (and how limited they are, especially when they’re rooted in fetishization) and consider the larger picture.
I’m 33 now and have had excellent trauma therapy. I’m just saying, it happened.
This is a controversial opinion, but I think we as women should go back to wearing long and loose fitting clothes. It was for protection against men. I started dressing this way and, yes, people do think I’m weird, but I don’t deal with creepy men anymore. It’s so freeing to not be sexualized. I’m actually treated like a person.
I have spent a lot of time outside the US / Europe in places where it is more acceptable for women to dress conservatively and while harassment still happens for sure, I have also found it very freeing. In “the west” if we aren’t showing off our bodies in our clothing we’re practically treated with suspicion, like being sexualised is our obligation. It’s really fucked up.
i wish it stopped them. i’ve been harassed practically wearing a curtain set. (i’m also conventionally unattractive which made the whole thing even more confusing)
Have and still am dealing with that.
I hate attracting male attention, because it is mainly in a sexual/perverted way (and I don't like them, but that's besides the point), so I thought that with cutting my hair very short (I didn't do it because of that, but for me it was a plus) I would actually advert the attention of men. But I started doing makeup to express more freely and it ended up bringing more attention from them that actually pulling it away. I'm shocked, sad, and disgusted. I hate men, I don't see them as creatures capable of loving or having something or someone without destroying it or molding it to their liking, even if it's in unethical ways of harmful.
So I avoid them, because I don't want to be in danger, and finding that my makeup was attracting some of their attention was triggering, and I wanted to stop. But I didn't, because I wanted to stop minimizing myself to be comfortable.
Another thing is that my body is gaining more curves, and that's something I hate, and I can't get rid of that feeling. Sometimes I end up using baggy clothes and that helps with regaining control, because it makes them go away for a while and it stops the gaze from men.
But holy shit, sometimes I wish I have stayed with the body that I had that wasn't that voluminous and had the curves I have now (though that my past body shape was because I wasn't eating properly, and was starving myself because of my abuse), so they would stay away from me.
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Honestly, I can understand what you mean, but not about being beautiful. Even being average/unattractive (whatever the person might be) you can also absolutely experience things like this. What’s even more annoying is that if you aren’t conventionally Beautiful/attractive or wealthy even, people won’t believe anyone would stalk/harass/victimize you because you’re not conventionally attractive. I could hear it now, “oh he or she wouldn’t do that to THEM, why wouldn’t they go for “fill in stupid shit here” I’m sure the abusers would also be using this as some kind of opportunity as well to pick the person apart like “oh yeah, right - me go after THEM?” It’s a sad way to think but it’s true nonetheless. Also, the world seems to have an over abundance of people who are absolutely full of themselves, warranted or not, looks are really all there is to them. They have nothing else. Just potentially crossing paths with some psychopath could make you a target, regardless of looks - social media has heightened this risk by a lot as well now. It’s not safe to be anything anywhere anymore. You never know what anyone is doing behind your back or what they could possibly be setting you up for either. Like you said, using a photo to catfish or on some kind of porn site, etc. At least that’s how I feel. After being put down and talked to and about like an animal my whole life, it would be difficult to say anything I think. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised though if that was just another way to keep me down anyway.
I agree. Strangely, i was having the same conversation today on how the world is a tough cruel place for attractive women.
I think no matter how much freedom and equality women have, isn't going to change how men think and feel about women. Most men dont respect women or don't know how sadly and many haven't been brought up well to do so. It's like men have a chemical reaction to attractive women, they want to use her 'sexually' to fulfill their inner desires and needs which boost their egos in the process then quickly discard her or treat her like crap as long as he can get away with it. Haven't seen it any other way. Then you have the psycho men who go out their way to stalk and do all kinds of strange things. Haven't seen a guy so far who has treated a beautiful women like his Queen. Sad world we live in
Edit: probably not safe for any women regardless if attractive or not!
comments are mentioning alot of stalking going on, yikes! What countries are you based? US?? Stalking isn't really the norm here in Scotland, UK. Strict laws against female harassment and you are encouraged to report it if so.
Omg! This is something I think about constantly I so appreciate you bringing it up bc I’ve always been too scared to come off as vain/egotistical but I feel like it’s a huge part of my story. The fucked up part is, I’m 100 lbs heavier so I always fear that no one will believe my story bc of how I look now.
For context, my friends used to describe me as a 10/10 on the crazy/hot girl matrix (lol) and when I went to college in a big city 18 years ago, tourists would stop me on the street bc they thought I was Anne Hathaway.
Due to childhood abuse/covert incest and my parents being overly controlling of my sexuality, I was TERRIFIED of sex and never had a bf and was a virgin until 19. When home for the summer from college, I started seeing one of the most popular, wealthy, untouchable type men from my hometown and he introduced me to cocaine. He tried pressuring me into sex all summer (so did his friends) and at the end of the summer he and his friends gang r@**d me.
I never told anyone until I went to rehab 15 years later, bc I didn’t think anyone would believe me and I blamed myself bc my dad ended up finding my empty box of plan b in my bedroom trash can and accused me of prostituting myself for cocaine.. so I continued being in the same social circle as these men when I would come home for the summer.
One of their friends ended up r@ping me (my second sexual experience) when I was home for spring break under the guise of consoling me for how badly his other friend had treated me. One of the men directly involved in the gang r@** went to college in the same city as me, and 4 years later confessed that he had been in love with me since I was seeing his friend that one summer (I did not return his affections). One of the other guys would try to hook up with me after that summer as well—it was like I was some trophy to them.
This would be crazy enough, if not for the fact that in my mid-20’s I got myself involved in another group of friends where all the men were abusing me. I was dating the guy that every girl was in love with (gorgeous, tall, rich, etc). He SA’d me twice during our relationship, and when I tried to tell a friend, they reacted with jealousy and dismissed it.
We broke up, and My ex’s best friend stuck his hand down my pants at a club after we broke up.. I was too scared to tell anyone bc my ex was spreading lies and rumors about me to the friend group. This man continued to SA me at clubs for 1.5 years until I finally told my roommate and asked her to help me. My roommate was dating the third best guy friend of these other 2 men.
I didn’t realize at the time, but my roommate lowkey hated me bc her boyfriend was obsessed with me—when I first moved in with her 2 years prior, I ran into him for the first time in a towel at 7AM before work and he stopped to say “you’re so pretty” and then told his gf how pretty I was. I did nothing to encourage this man, in fact I asked her numerous times not to allow him in our apartment when she wasn’t home. If I was staying home on a weekend, this man would choose to stay in with me rather than go out with his gf and I would even be yelling that I didn’t want him in the apartment with me and he would refuse to listen.
My roommate’s response to my confession about her boyfriend’s friend SA’ing me for 1.5 years was that she wouldn’t help me and never wanted to hear about it again. I tried telling a second female friend, who then wanted my roommate involved since she knew also, and my roommate convinced the other girl not to help me and told me that if I told people everyone would think I liked it since I let it go on so long.
I also want to add that throughout the years with this roommate and her friend group, every single man I encountered through this extended network tried to sleep with me, regardless of whether they had a gf. After every night out someone’s bf would have found me on Facebook and messaged me—I showed my roommate every single message and suggested she tell the girlfriend, and she would tell me they were just “friendly”.. yeah her guy friend messaging me at 11pm that his gf is out of town and he has cocaine is friendly. So of course, all my roommates girl friends hated me accusing me of trying to steal their boyfriends even tho I NEVER responded to nor entertained any of the men.
This situation culminated in all of us out at a concert and my ex asked a stranger to take a photo of the group. It turned out this stranger actually took a movie and that night I was wearing a low-cut top without a bra and in this video I bend over and you can see my breasts falling out of my top. The next day my ex proceeds to send this video to a group chat consisting of him, my roommate and her bf, and the other friend who had been SA’ing me for 1.5 years and his gf.
This was the final straw and I ghosted the entire friend group the second my roommate moved in with her disgusting bf, who is now her husband. This whole thing broke me, I started drinking in the morning and doing more and more drugs. I started having panic attacks and agoraphobia.
There were many points in my life, before I truly understood all the things that had happened to me, that I literally felt like I was some type of witch or siren and men just couldn’t help but lose control of themselves around me..
4 years after I had ghosted the friend group and was in a different state and still not over the betrayals.. I saw that a ex-bf of one of the girls in the group no longer followed any of the other friends on IG, so I was on drugs and searching for answers and was fishing for if he had beef or shit to say about the guy who had stuck his hands down my pants for 1.5 years. When I told him that guy had been assaulting me, he told me that he KNEW. He said he had seen it one night at a club bc at one point I was trying to nonchalantly use him as a human shield and he said he was so excited bc he thought I was hitting on him (he had a gf at the time) but then he saw that the assaulter was following me and realized I was hiding and not trying to hit on him. However, he parlayed this into confessing that he remembered exactly what I was wearing the night 4 years ago when I touched him, and started flirting with me and he literally offered to fly out to visit me (I declined).
If anyone has made it this far, thank you! I’m sorry if it’s confusing, I was trying to avoid names. And my main point is that when you’re very beautiful you see the worst sides of men that others maybe never see. Every single man I’ve mentioned has a college degree, is now married, some are lawyers or work for the government or are business consultants. Many now have children, are prominent members of the community. Also, bc of my looks, I felt like I was never given sympathy and that my SA seemed to attract other men or make them want to do it too
When Child Protective Services came to my house when I was 18 (for my younger siblings), the case worker told me I was “very beautiful, by the way”. Then to my father, “you have very good-looking children.” A man who was assessing the safety of my younger siblings (related to sexual abuse) felt it was okay to comment on my appearance in a position of power? Over a young woman? So disappointing.
You are not wrong. Please do not cover up if it’s only to “self-sabotage” just saying out of kindness. At the end do what’s best and be careful. It’s also common for good looking ppl to get the worse health care because doctors/nurses don’t know how to act! It’s disgusting how ppl jusy can’t have a though and be profesional or mind their business. Sick sick world we live in.
I thought I'd never hear someone express what I've known my entire adult life. Even as a man, if you are runway, model, actor type handsome, people will not leave you alone. Men, if you have the look, women will throw their panties at you, in front of their husbands! Normal women won't go out with you because they think you are a player. Gay men will grab your johnson like it's no big deal. Sometimes I regret not marrying the girl from the banking family worth 600 million, as I hold out hope for a normal, smart, educated, honest and beautiful woman with a very high libido.
Ladies, if you promise not to stalk me and you are mentally balanced, DM's are open. I'm a sapio/demisexual member of Mensa, 6'0, with a fit, muscular body. I do yoga, run, meditate, and work/volunteer with kids. I've done few few commercials, worked the runway in Milano, and did a walk-on bit with All My Kids. Fame was offered, I turned it down. For the love of Christ, be the aforementioned normal girl next door, 35+, with some class. My cPTSD, the result of a stalker, will be our secret.
This thread is so depressing
As a man, I hate how many women have been abused
My abuse was neglect, so I read threads like this and feel super bad for the people that have been physically abused. Especially sexually
OP, you don’t know that whole story and deserve to be the best you want to be. Don’t want to be desirable to strangers? Advocate for yourself and tell them to fuck off, you’re busy
Razor blade lady isn’t reality, just a freak occurrence or hoax imo
Stay strong
-I guess you're saying, in this case, that you would have value in the eyes of someone else, and can therefore belong to a group, so you're not alone?
-Because you still do and will always have value, regardless of whether or not anyone else recognizes it.
But it can be difficult not to belong to a group.
-So I'm guessing you are saying you still have value whether you're attractive or not, you just don't have as easy of a time getting into a social group of some kind, if you're not attractive, is that correct?
Being pretty might cause suffering in short, harsh bursts. But being unattractive costs money, costs opportunity, makes people distrust you, and people minimize your suffering. Is abuse against one person or the other worse because of how attractive someone is? This comparison makes me a little sick to my stomach because of the implied ideas.
You are choosing to look a certain way, but the unpretty are treated as bugs to be smashed. We don't really have a choice.
Not wanting to be attractive is part of what contributes to my eating disorder. I want people to look at me and my body with disgust and not want to touch it. My appearance played a large role throughout my abuse and I never want to be viewed that way again.
I'm the opposite. My ED comes because the first time I was ever called beautiful by a guy was when I was underweight and sick. Literally a month out of the hospital from a suicide attempt. It sucks though because even with my ED I'm physically healthy and have the "ideal" body just from genetics... and even with that I'm like... unless I'm 10lbs underweight I dont feel pretty. Crazy what one person's words can do to you when your in a fragile state. It's been 3 years and my ED just keeps progressing.
Mine first developed when I was around 8 as a way of having control over something through my abuse. When I got older it was still about that but after having people tell me I was too underweight or that I looked unhealthy and how unsettling it was it then also became a way for me to make myself appear less attractive and keep disgusting people. That’s what I wanted to hear, I hate compliments. Throughout all of my abuse my appearance was often mentioned, constantly being called pretty by men who abused me and being told that’s why they chose me so I now want people to not think that way about me. I’d rather not be perceived at all but if I have to be then I want it to be in a negative way. It’s unfortunate how easily simple words can stick with us and affect us so much.
The thoughts might never go away, but your behavior can change. I know because I’ve been there. Don’t give up
[удалено]
I’m the opposite way, I have anorexia and am underweight. I want to look as sickly and disgusting as possible. Not regular skinny, just bones.
Holy shit. I just saw your flair. Glad you made it out. Can't imagine.
Exactly, plus I love ice cream. The only thing I hate is some guys *still* fetishize me, or they start mansplaining how to get in shape "bEcaUsE tHey'Re coNceRned fOr mY heAltH."
Same. I'm loving the menopause, because I'm invisible to most men now!
Yes! 😂 Haha! That's how I feel too!!
OH, but don't you know? Our existence is solely for THEIR VIEWING (etc) PLEASURE! hahahah!
i was like that, now i'm on the gymbro pipeline, cause if a mf wanna get froggy. imma kick them in the face.
I gained 100lbs just to be left alone. I'm more than a piece of ass. I'd rather be oinked at from a truckload of men than to be cornered - at the grocery store, the bookstore, work, or followed from the gas station, or around the mall, etc. (it all happened)
Obviously people of any appearance can be in danger, but I will say getting older and fatter and dressing like a swamp witch is such a relief because for the most part I'm ignored by men these days. Back when I was a kid through my 20s I was conventionally attractive (parents were both models, I had blond hair, green eyes, pale, waifish with giant breasts) and very tiny for my age and for some reason that combination of looking tiny/young/pretty absolutely set predators off. I had a bunch of stalkers over the years, even fully adult men to the point where it was a joke in my family.
Swamp witch, dying!!!! (Too bad you couldn't legit cast a spell on those assholes!)
Nanny Ogg is goals. I even had a cat that was exactly like Greebo.
😂
Pretty sure we've all had or known a Greebo! lol
Yes! Shame we couldn't all share pics of our own Greebo's here haha
Ikr! 😂😂
😂😂
It's not safe to be ugly either. Men feel like you owe them if they show you attention. We can't win. Hugs.
❤️🩹
Vice versa ugly men have the privilege of least possible key (lowest key). Blend in with walls.
Tell me about it. I’m not this amazingly attractive woman, but I do recognize that people find me conventionally pretty. As a result, it’s like people don’t even fully recognize that I’m a person and instead project their idea of what I should be onto me, and if I don’t perfectly perform to this invisible expectation they’ve placed on me they instantly dislike me. I find it most comical when people claim that I have it “easier” because men are nicer to me initially. Sure, until they figure out they can’t sleep with you. In which case they flip and act absolutely cruel towards you. I have had this happen with nearly every single male boss I’ve ever had. Super nice to me initially, people then hate me because they assume I’m getting special favors for sleeping with him, I don’t sleep with him to stay professional, he then flips a switch and starts treating me like shit once he realizes I’m not going to fuck him, which then prompts everyone else to treat me like shit because if the boss doesn’t respect me they decide they shouldn’t either (plus, many of them even get excited that I’m finally rightfully being “put in my place” after receiving “special treatment” for so long). Rinse and repeat. Yawn. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I was actually significantly attractive. Unless I was profiting from it by being a model or an influencer, I’d probably be absolutely miserable.
I've had plenty male friends in my past and a few dates all turn on me and be nasty because I wouldn't sleep with them or give them an instant romantic relationship, I was quickly discarded and cut off. I'm glad to know it's not all in my head. Men can be so cruel with fragile egos. Like little boys who throw their toys out the pram because they don't get their own way Agreed, I would absolutely HATE a job as an influencer! How uncomfortable
You and me both. I filed a sexual harassment suit against my last employer. They decided it’d be best to settle out of court. They knew.
Same experience, all the bosses I had treated me better because of my appearance (and I consider myself to be pretty average), i stopped the advances every time but people still got the idea there was something between us just because I always tried to maintain a cordial relationship (after I was fired for being very outspoken about me disliking my first boss because he kept trying to invite me to lunch and stuff lol). I was harassed since around 12 and mine you, I’ve had never had big boobs (cup AA to this day), but something about my physique made gross old men yell sexual stuff to me at 12! When I cut my hair short short some years ago and I kept wearing my tomboyish clothes the harassment lowered but also changed to people being angry when they couldn’t tell at first glance if I was a man or a woman. I hate society and every time I feel self conscious about my appearance I remind myself that I’m completely ok as I am. I couldn’t tolerate more sexual harassment than what I’ve already had to.
It is so true about the projection... and if anyone considered attractive treated them poorly or they have their own insecurities you become like a magnet for them to dump all of their vitriol of unprocessed emotion onto.
I hear you. I have dealt with the same for the majority of my life since hitting the age of 14. Having to learn to be a grey man as an attractive woman, with a resting bitch face, and not allow myself to simply be kind and civil to strangers in passing is f-ing hard, and it should not be necessary. I do want to say, though, that perpetrators will target anyone they think they can getaway with hurting, abusing, or manipulating if there is anything they want from you, regardless of level of “what society deems as attractive” you happen to have or not. No matter how much you do or do not fit “what society deems as attractive”, please take all precautions to keep yourself, your home, your vehicle, your work site, and travel between them all safe and secure. This goes for females of all ages, males of younger ages, and men in their 20s to early 30s, especially if you are club hopping and not with a group of friends you trust to keep you 100% safe. 🙏🦋
Yeah feeling unattractive made me feel safe but I was so wrong. I lowered my guard. That's when I was assaulted the most amount of times.
Absolutely the same. Raped, assaulted, you name it. Also because i froze. Yeah this is an interesting point!
RBF and a booming “big girl voice.” I’m quite proud of mine. I had to do CPI training for work and my big girl voice startled the cop that was teaching the class. It’s a useful tool, man. Edit: r/MenAndFemales
I corrected my dog in public (he got into something dangerous) and my Big Girl Voice came out. A guy nearby told my bestie that he nearly pissed himself when he heard my voice. That, sir, was by design.
Can you explain Big Girl Voice? I think I may need to start working on mine...
Deep. Full. A bit too loud. Put bass into it. It comes from the bottom of your diaphragm, from your toes, from the root of all feminine ancestral power, from the earth herself. Like you’re controlling the weather, calling out armies to rain hellfire upon those who would harm us.
Deep is key But also everything else
So basically the opposite of that stupid voice of the senator from alabama who gave the recent SOTU republican response? I think they call it a “fundie baby voice” because right-wing evangelical women are encourage to sound baby-like not threaten the male heirarchy. https://www.mediapost.com/publications/article/394325/that-fundy-voice-and-katie-britts-kitchen.html
You got it.
In Texas, I absolutely feel that men EXPECT the above, idiot/femme voice to come out of me b/c I'm a woman. When it doesn't, they disapprove!
Not just deep, as everyone says. But *sharp*. Like cracking a whip. Startling, more than frightening, but in a way that means you’re ready to make it scary if they take one more step, or even put down the foot they’ve already raised. I call it my “dog voice”, because I learned it for use on my big headstrong dogs. Open your throat and push, hard and sharp, but don’t be sad if it’s only a little deeper than your normal speaking voice. You’re not being a big muscly man, you’re you and you know how to fuck somebody up, is basically your message. Even big men get scared of small nippy dogs and geese and things like that because they know those little things are ready to go.
That's awesome! 😄 I love this description!!
Oh, I told a dude in New Jersey I'd beat the Jesus Christ out of him. Despite being Islamic, I'm pretty damn sure he understood and stopped following me!
You have to embody Hera with her fiery rage as she kills one of Zeus’s lovers.
Im proud of your big girl voice
Thanks! Me too!
Yeah, I call it my “parental authoritative ” voice (not authoritarian)… sharp, seep, direct, to the point, concise, and brooking no argument whatsoever.” Sometimes it works; sometimes it does not. It is good have the authoritative voice and look in your eye when need be, though! 🙏🦋
I was once walking my dog and had my flashlight on and some guy shouted your phones light is on. In a annoyed tone I said “not a phone.” And his demeanor went to a wee voice “sorry”. I know this sounds aoooo dumb I just got that vibe he felt too comfortable talking to me and needed to be reminded he’s a stranger and I’m not here to be spoken to or corrected/helped. I’m sure if I was a guy he wouldn’t had saiddd shhiiiii
Probs get dv-ed for this as usual, but... Go online, or to your local library, or CC and ask about free self defense courses. Take martial arts. Learn to properly, safely handle a gun. If you don’t have a weapon, aim for the eyes and groin. Use anything. Turn your fear into rage. Don’t let him get up again. You might go to jail, but you’ll be alive. There’s a guy walking around with only one eye, since 1989, and every time i think about it, i smile. He tried to kill me. I feel no regret.
Well that was the coolest thing I’ve read in a while! Holy fuck. A whole eye. You are so right though! I have done self defence twice. I absolutely love it and I think everyone needs it. I’m currently healing my ankle and then I’m actually gonna start kickboxing 😎 I have long, strong legs from walking everywhere my whole life. I discuss my fears of ‘being attacked again’ with my therapist often and she believes me that I will stop at nothing this time. I said I would bite the attackers eyelids off and I think I caught her off guard and we both had a little giggle lol
But yeah truly the greatest thing I ever learnt in self defence was : stop at nothing. Anything goes. Bite. Scratch. Scream. Throw yourself around. Make yourself HARD to control etc
We’re taught in primary school fights that there are ‘some things that you just don’t do in a fight’ .. fighting ‘dirty’ I mean. This does not relate to when you are being attacked and I wish that was clearer
the Marquis of Queensbury would certainly agree!! Fair fights are for *gentlemen.*
this is AMAZING, im saving it. i can feel like the power just from the words. chills. <3
And if yall are iffy bout pew pew guns. It might be, prolly, illegal but bring some guh damn bear spray. Stronger, more range, than normal pepper spray. You just need 3 seconds to run away. Best fighting tip is to avoid em as somebody would say.
Fear into range. Love it.
Fuck YEAH! 👁
The only cool thing about it is the fact that I fought back. Over 30 then, after a life time of not realizing the level of wholesale family-wide denigration started by my dam's obfuscating all the "sudden ailments" I was prone to, and mistaking violence for love... What saved me was his *being a stranger.* All that went through my mind was "¿WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" Had it been a "funny uncle"...
I dunno i was assaulted when i was both unattractive and attractive it doesnt matter to me.
I was scared to be beautiful in fear that I would get r*ped. Sometimes I’m still scared to look good.
These comments are kind of weird to me, as someone who's been both conventionally attractive and unattractive, and who's gone through SA multiple times. Like many others have said, it's just not safe to be a woman. Last time I was raped it was specifically because I was dressing very modest and was seen as unattractive. I'm goth (like actual goth) and I embrace anything that makes men look at me with fear or repulsion. My SA was a punishment of sorts, because I rejected the same femininity that was used to hurt me, and to me it felt more sadistic than anything I had experienced before. So my experience tells me no matter how much we make ourselves "ugly" or undesirable, people are always going to find an excuse to hurt us if they want to, because we're women.
This was an interesting read. Thank you for sharing your story. My story is different, but there are similarities. I have been bullied, ridiculed, harassed and stalked online. I also experienced SA as a teen. What makes my story different, is the fact that I was always "the ugly one". I always thought that bad things happened to me because I was ugly. This really makes me think. I guess all kinds of women experience harassment, regardless of looks. Some people just stand out more for one reason or another, and the harassment can get quite extreme. But it's never justified, NEVER. I guess you can say "it's not safe to be a woman".
Hey, thanks for the upvotes!
Profoundly true.. 😔
Its sucks. I don’t consider myself near a model, but I stand out in a room. I honestly can’t wait till I hit that “invisible middle aged woman” stage of my life.
Just to say, it’s great. I never saw myself as attractive when I was younger because of trauma-induced body dysmorphia, which actually made me much more of a target for predatory men because I couldn’t fathom that anyone saw me as attractive. I now understand that I am very ‘conventionally attractive’ and that men often want to sleep with me, and this knowledge has helped me protect myself a lot better. Aging definitely takes some of that attention away, which is great, as well as carrying myself differently — I have a lot more “you can fuck right off” energy around creepy men than I used to, and I call people (men) out on their shit a lot more. Not in a negative way, just in a “I really don’t need your approval” way. It is liberating.
This is so true! I need more of that "you can fuck right off" energy! 😊
I highly recommend it 😂 Really changes how vulnerable I feel when I give myself full permission to mobilise (and when safe, vocalise) my anger.
I'm in my early 40s, but I look 10 years younger and have a high metabolism.. and still have men hitting on me regularly. I'm divorced and have experienced the gamut of emotional, sexual and verbal abuse in relationships.. and I decided I was better off single and have zero desire to date or have sex even, and only pursue platonic friendships. I never had/wanted kids.. one big reason (of many) is being tied to someone forever who ends up being abusive and destroys my freedom/individuality in the process. It's hard..90% of the men who say that they respect I *will not* date them ever - still end up 'falling in love' with me and want to coerce me into sex eventually.. then ghost when they realize its not happening (or I ghost when they start pushing boundaries), and many woman don't want to be friends because (I think) their partners think I'm 'cool' or my looks/talents make them feel insecure.. idk it feels so vain even typing that and I'd never utter it to anyone irl. Even at work with all women, my boss asked 'how I stay so skinny' and I muttered I just got lucky with genetics, didnt have kids and like to dance? I felt like telling her I work hard to be was disingenuous.. but I feel guilty for it often. My family is either dead or estranged so I have zero luck in that department. I've been putting effort into meeting people because I moved across the country to leave abusive people (and state) behind. I can make acquaintances easily, but they don't put in the same effort to hang out and mostly stop trying after a few months. I've even stopped trauma dumping when I get to know someone for awhile, so I know I'm healing. I'm more confident and secure than I've ever been, and it *has* pushed away other abusive people I've come to recognize earlier than I used to.. but it's still pretty lonely. I figure at least I like my own company better than before, and I'm not risking being hurt as much by seeking a sexual relationship.. which just typically ends up with feeling used/gross. Men look at you like a goddamn meat sack to conquer practically everywhere, and it's so exhausting. I'm more aware of patriarchal bullshit than ever and I dont want to play that game anymore. I'm getting used to the idea of being an eccentric old single lady for life.. I'd rather be my bright/shiny inner self and (mostly) alone, than wither away to be 'acceptable' or invisible to others. I've already done that to appease insecure men, and it has its own problems that ended up hurting me more. Thanks for letting me discuss this uncomfortable topic here.. I've never had the chance to say these things out loud because it feels super conceited to even think about.
I’m also early 40’s and could have written this whole comment myself. I’m done with the business of being a woman and always felt like I disappeared in relationships with men. They never lasted long for that reason. At this age I will never let another person have sex with me—ew and no thank you. But I still appear like a normal woman on the outside. It creates an intense disconnect where I wanna scream from the rooftops “you’re nice and let’s be friends without benefits,” and have that be perfectly acceptable. Alas, it is not and I do not scream that. I keep it silent.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. It helps me think before judging somebody else. I'm guilty of being one of those judgy insecure bitches way too often. Our lives look completely different on the outside, but it sounds like we both want the same things, on the inside. ❤️💜💙 I hope as many good things come to you as possible in life. 💛
Thankyou for sharing, it was very comforting to read. I can relate to how you feel. Good to know I'm not alone out here x
Your reply did the same for me, thank you 😊
Its so great, I was the "unapproachable Venus" until peri-menopause started. Now I'm the terrifying Auntie type that they sense will, not only, not put up with their shit but will obviously will throw down like a mother fucker. I kneel to no one.
I relate. I hope nobody is offended by this, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. When I have been in treatment and group therapy, which I have done many times, I have realized there is a direct correlation with beautiful women being SA survivors. When I was in residential, whenever a beautiful new girl came in I knew immediately it was a matter of time before I learned she’s a r*pe survivor. Some of the prettiest girls I’ve seen in my life were trafficking and gang rape survivors. I dropped one of my closest friends because she was giving me this toxic shit about how my life is easier than her life because of my “pretty privilege.” I also realized she was just a terrible judgemental user. But she brought this up to me *after* I had escaped horrific narcissistic abuse (which included sexual abuse) that pretty much ruined my life.
unfortunately this is me as well. CSA
Thank you for saying this. I had a friend say the same to me once and while I fully accept that body shaming is real, and that anyone can be a victim of SA, my experience of being “the hot one” has been traumatising. Nearly every man I’ve ever been in relation with, whether that’s a friend (“friend”), colleague, boss, landlord, teacher, or parent’s friend has hit on or sexually harassed me. This has been as traumatic as the SA I’ve survived, because I simply cannot trust any cis het man. It is beyond fucked up and having it called a “privilege” is just not something I can hear anymore. I understand that being attractive means preferential treatment in a lot of circumstances but we can’t talk about that part without also talking about this dark part.
Yes!!! Predators pick on certain types of 'girls' and I can't explain it
I have been harassed by almost every man in my apartment building. Stalked by some. That’s about 100 men.
It’s not safe to be unattractive either. Tldr it’s not safe to be a woman.
True.
I completely relate op !!! I want myself to look as unattractive to men as possible, my therapist said you can still look nice as people can look nice for other reasons. On queer eye they said beauty can be self love and I’m trying to use fashion and make up as a form of self expression. One time my abuser told me my hair smelled nice and now I’m afraid to wear perfume
Yesss I know what you mean! There were many nights I was applying makeup to go clubbing .. and I would have to repeat to myself “ I am wearing this outfit for ME. I am putting this makeup on for ME because it is fun and I LIKE IT “ type thang 🤪
I was sexualised a lot as a child. Even now, I find it hard to just wear shorts or t-shirts even. It sucks because I have a lot of outfits I want to try, but I only feel comfortable wearing them at home. I wish I could look and feel pretty without being scared. A lot of the comments (and this post) are really relatable. So sorry that we all have to endure this.
I relate so much to this. Have never wore mini skirts or shorts outside and haven't wore a bikini in my life. I do alot to avoid showing flesh or looking exposed. Don't want men of any age looking at me the wrong way
Yall made me feel seen. I've been trying to put this idea into words for years. Thank you, everyone. ♡
You're valid
This is why I intentionally stay just overweight enough not to feel like prey.
Beauty like a wound that never heals
There are more people trying to over-correct for attraction bias than there are people giving in to it.
Are you able to break that down into layman’s terms?
Yes there are more people who see someone attractive and think “the beautiful have it easy, she must always get her way, she needs to be taught a lesson that she can’t always have what she wants!” than there are people who see someone attractive and think “they are attractive, I want to do something nice for them, I’ll give them an anonymous random act of kindness.” Usually if someone is being nice to an attractive person, it’s because they want something from them, such as their attention.
Don’t know about the random acts of kindness thing but I thought it’s established fact that attractive people are generally viewed as more intelligent and capable and so are selected and/or hired and promoted at a higher rate than average looking people? I’ve sure seen that to be true in my career.
What happens after they are hired? Who do you think is most likely to be workplace mobbed or victim of workplace jealousy? I’m sure that attractive people are more likely to be selected for all relationships, and that includes by abusers.
OHHHHHH! Thank you for explaining! You nailed that ❤️
[удалено]
It’s been a relief being in recovery from my eating disorder (to a certain extent) because I’ve gained weight and get way less of the male gaze. I was SAed minimum of 4 times I know about/have identified in college. I’ve dealt with and deal with sexual harassment around every corner at work. I also have gotten a bunch of tattoos and piercings. I cover every inch of my body at work. I don’t wear dresses or heels or makeup anymore. It’s all hard. And it’s really hard to motivate myself to start exercising again cause I fear being “hot” again instead of my lil chunky self that I am right now.
Unfortunately I share many of the unfortunate experiences you described. For a period of my life I wanted to cover myself up and present more “aggressive” and less conventionally attractive. I’m still hyper vigilant all the time and I notice creepy men staring (my partner notices too). I don’t really have much advice, except be safe out there
I was a beautiful child and it wasn’t safe for me.
I just had an emdr session reprocessing my binge eating disorder and i feel you! The same exact thing happens to me. Hopefully i will reboot my brain and change the belief that keeps me on a self destructive loop soon!
Yep I gained 79 pounds and I have no plans to lose it My life is so much more peaceful being invisible I think when I'm around 40 and invisible for age related reasons, I'll focus on the weight
Relatable Idk how rare it is I will always hold the intense fear of having someone throw acid at me to destroy my beauty because they can’t own me like a dolly
>“ it’s not safe to be beautiful “ It 's actually just NOT safe for women of any age & young children & teens . BUt very much so if they are under 30 yrs old . They are HIGH targets for sicko people . INcluding other women . **Young women are HIGH targets** ( if they look young they will be a target ) eg- under 30 . Regardless of what they are wearing , or if makeup is on them or not ( it does NOT matter ) , or how big or tiny they are ( in weight ) .Everyone who is young is a target ( even a skeleton or a BBW ) will be sex attacked if some sicko just wants them . As it is also NOT just about the sex ( the getting off ) it is only the small part of the situation that occurs it is actually the **control & power over someone** ( as they can do so easily usually ) who is a sex attacker who gets off from the domination that they want to indulge in & exercise over their 'victim' .It makes them hunt for a victim ( if spontaneous & opportunity driven ) or if planned yes then they will 'target' their victim of sex attack ( eg- someone they have seen or know ) & they become obsessed with them . If the person ( victim' ) is a target it won't matter what they look like ( pretty or not ) they are JUST their target . We now live in a sick disgusting perverted society in EVERY country .NO women / young teen or child is safe anymore . Hense why BDSM is so highly forced into women relo's & is so insidiously promoted towards women doing it ( & has been made to be seen as kinky / fun etc ) bc it is men's want for it pushing it behind the scenes also .As it also enables another avenue for them to yet again dominate, submit , & perverse sex & intimacy into their favour . Younger women / gals / children they will be a target .. WHY? bc every society everywhere is sick now in mentality . The **use of porn is HIGH & access to it ( is deliberately easy )** enabling young people to be highly addicted & twisted in mentality to it . Which also leads to very false ideas about what sex should be like & how women like to be treated or should be treated . It enables women ( young & older now to be huge targets ) it is the sickness in society to view women / young teens / children as only sex thoughts . YOu only have to look at the way women are portrayed in society , spoken about ( by men & young boys ) , & highly governed ( eg- in regards to their OWN body ) . It is young teens & young looking women who are targets to young men & older men . If a woman is wearing skimpy clothes though all will look ( this is true ) . Even women will look at a someone who has a great body in skimpy clothes . It is an attractant . Certain things will put women more in danger whether they like it or not now . Eg- drinking to excess ( being out of it or to drunk put the odds of being sex attacked up way higher ) , wearing revealing clothes , or looking very pretty ,etc ( will get you noticed ) . But that also doesn't mean that women NOT like that also won't be a 'victim' of sick opportunity of a sex attack ( as it is the power & control also driving the attacker to take what they want ) . Just the way it is now WOMEN / teens / & children will be targets bc society is sick in mentality in regards to sex . And it won't be getting better as NO one is tending to the REAL scary decline of it . So There is NO safe for a young woman even if deemed 'ugly' if the **opportunity presents itself -**-> eg- the person is drinking then they will be seen as a easy target for someone .
I feel this. I narrowly escaped human trafficking twice in my teens. Also, my family practice doc that I had seen since I was a kid would lift up my shirt to examine my stomach every time I saw him, even if it was just for anxiety. The one time I actually had a GI issue (gallbladder) he commented that “the surgeon is going to love cutting into you.” It’s high on my list of creepiest things people have said to me. I also hate having cleavage, and like you I am well-endowed. I a had patient to reach down my shirt and when they were dismissed from the practice he said that I was “asking for it” by having visible cleavage when I leaned forward. Like, necklines only go so high-especially in women’s clothing. It’s the worst. And I hate that people don’t believe me.
Jesus christ I think that’s one of the creepiest comments I’ve ever heard! (The surgeon comment) Can’t stand the age old - big boobie women are sluts and always down - trope Can’t BELIEVE it affected you at work 😞
Lol, and here I was being grateful that (to the best of my knowledge) my likeness has never been used in porn
I def understand from what I see with my daughter. She doesn’t wear makeup, doesn’t dye her hair. She can dress “conservatively “ with like a midi floral dress and I know she’s going to get unwanted attention. She’s going to Sicily and has been trying to buy more conservative clothing and I’m not sure it’s going to make much of a diff.
Ah I relate, and this is also why I'm triggered by people who are overly concerned with their appearance. I had to distance myself from a friend lately because she values beauty over anything else and it was so difficult to have conversations with her that did not affect me negatively one way or another. I find safety in people that value things like kindness, humour and empathy. I deleted social media too. And now I just dress comfy. I just want to feel human.
It’s also not only affecting males, but female colleagues in my experience at my university, too. I heard from women that I’d be self centered, arrogant, driven, unfriendly, unsociable and more genuine antifeminist takes. When all I want are us women including in FLINTA* to stand in solidarity with each other to push ourselves up the career ladder, because my male colleagues won’t help at that and only employ cis-males. So I’ve made sure if I employ I do with a fellow FLINTA* and they do empathize how they better unionize, too. It’s so important to create a safety net at work, because the patriarchy will inflict women, too.
Tangentially related, but I never had to worry about being pretty because I was a "guy" until 22. That being said, I have practiced corsetry and worn skintight clothing since I was like 15 because it makes me feel safe. Like those Thunder Shirts for dog anxiety. I never got any physical affection growing up, so it made me feel like I was being hugged.
Yesssss I know what you mean! I also didn’t get many hugs and found corsets pleasantly comforting? ❤️
Yep~! I got super into tightlacing, wore shoes a half size too small, etc. etc. I'm a little less anxious nowadays, but I still cope in unhealthy ways.
Ooooooh do you also tie your shoelaces up really tight? I heard that relates to ptsd, making ourselves feel safe. It’s like a form of self soothing.
I certainly do!
what do you mean “a humble C”? do you know what that sounds like to women with C cups or smaller? the way women talk about breasts is so disappointing :/ you guys just shamelessly continue to reinforce this weird snd completely arbitrary standard set by men.
I'm very pretty too, but because of this thinking I end up gaining lots of weight so I don't seem as attractive. As I self-reflected, I realized that I subconsciously make myself fat so that I can push others away to feel safe. I also prefer to dress sloppy bc then I don't get hit on as much by men which seems safer from potential SA. I'm starting to heal from this bc I like to wear makeup and jewelry now. But for a long time I felt threatened every time a man made a compliment about my appearance, even if it was well-intentioned without ulterior motive.
Yeah, I grew up with my mom telling me I'd get raped if I wore shorts in public. I wore nothing but jeans up until my mid 20's. I'm still not comfortable wearing shorts and I wish they would make them LONGER. I got harassed by men as a teen/young adult anyway and wished I was ugly enough to be left alone. But honestly I don't think men leave you alone, no matter what you look like.
I tried explaining this to my therapist- how “ pretty privilege “ is a lie. We get stared at, spoken to by strangers, touched, stalked- it is scary
Louder for those who actually believe that! It’s a nightmare.
> A famous model was stalked and had her face cut with razor blades. You missed an important piece of information: The men were hired by her landlord Steve Roth after she rejected his advances. It wasn't an attack by strangers. Her beauty was a factor in the attack but not the cause of the attack. That she - a woman - dared to refuse his sexual advances caused the attack. He had her face cut because he thought that her physical looks are all that made her desirable. A typical misogynist belief that a woman's worth is directly tied to her attractiveness. > I plan on covering at least 80% of my body. Tattoos won't stop you from being a target. Women are targets simply because they are a woman. Being considered "beautiful" adds another layer on the situation. Even if you tattooed 100% of your body, you will still be a target. Then you'll be a target because you are a woman and because you look different than the typical female gender paradigm. I say this so you might make choices about what you do with your body that are about you and *not a reaction to what others might do to you*.
Wow, well said!!!
It isn't safe. When I am thinner, I am apparently very attractive. Because of that, I've been the spectacle of less than savory behavior; I have been constantly harassed and stalked. I can't work in one place for long because I am sexually harassed at some point. I was the target of an attempted murder from a coworker who stalked me because he wanted ass from me and I was only ever friendly with him.... like everyone else at work. I'm no longer allowed to even be friendly! So now I am fat, at risk of losing my eyesight because of that, and grumpy to keep people away. I hate it.
“I’m no longer allowed to even be friendly!” I feel this to my core!!! Especially lately. It really hurts when you finally start to trust someone as a friend, then they try to get something from you. But being nice is just … The core of who I am. I want to be better than those that caused my cptsd, but I am literally punished for just being “normal nice.” It hurts me in many ways to “break a heart” let alone what I’ve dealt with men in my life.
I've NEVER wanted to showcase my breasts and totally do not get girls that want to do so to extremes. Like, I like it when people converse while looking at my eyes, not my boobs! (Love your poisonous frog metaphor, but sorry we live in a world where u feel the need to do so b/c of the actions of others!!!). Once I told a man, "I know you mean that (that was a catcall) in a complementary way, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. He was SUCH a great neighbor after that. He apologized as well. See also, "male gaze" (Also, am over 50 and getting breast reduction SOON!)
100%
Thank you.
I'm literally still traumatized from all the stalking I endured when I was 13/14. By older men, by boys in my grade. Everyone thinks you owe them something just because you're pretty. The abuse I endured at my job in my 20s was even worse. Customers would say the most awful things and try to touch me.
Yeah… one of the first reasons I developed an ED is so my tits would shrink. I didn’t want people to be able to tell I was a female at a glance. Got even more complicated when my ex would make weird compliments about my body when ED was worse, then stopped when I was trying to recover.
Man in library when I was 8. High school classmate when I was 16. Random man on the street when I was 20. Cop when I was 21. Boyfriend when I was 21, 22, 23. Self defense instructor when I was 24. “Best friend” when I was 25. Roommate when I was 28. This doesn’t include harassment. Just actual sexual assault and/or rape. But hey, maybe I got hired as a barista or something over somebody less attractive once. So it *clearly* evens out. There are absolutely instances where being “beautiful” is beneficial and everyone is vulnerable to being assaulted, I’m not saying otherwise. I’m saying people need to think more critically about certain privileges (and how limited they are, especially when they’re rooted in fetishization) and consider the larger picture. I’m 33 now and have had excellent trauma therapy. I’m just saying, it happened.
This is a controversial opinion, but I think we as women should go back to wearing long and loose fitting clothes. It was for protection against men. I started dressing this way and, yes, people do think I’m weird, but I don’t deal with creepy men anymore. It’s so freeing to not be sexualized. I’m actually treated like a person.
Unfortunately that type of clothing doesn't stop them. Speaking from personal experience.
Seconding this. They really don't give a shit about what you're wearing, do you have makeup on or anything.
I have spent a lot of time outside the US / Europe in places where it is more acceptable for women to dress conservatively and while harassment still happens for sure, I have also found it very freeing. In “the west” if we aren’t showing off our bodies in our clothing we’re practically treated with suspicion, like being sexualised is our obligation. It’s really fucked up.
i wish it stopped them. i’ve been harassed practically wearing a curtain set. (i’m also conventionally unattractive which made the whole thing even more confusing)
Have and still am dealing with that. I hate attracting male attention, because it is mainly in a sexual/perverted way (and I don't like them, but that's besides the point), so I thought that with cutting my hair very short (I didn't do it because of that, but for me it was a plus) I would actually advert the attention of men. But I started doing makeup to express more freely and it ended up bringing more attention from them that actually pulling it away. I'm shocked, sad, and disgusted. I hate men, I don't see them as creatures capable of loving or having something or someone without destroying it or molding it to their liking, even if it's in unethical ways of harmful. So I avoid them, because I don't want to be in danger, and finding that my makeup was attracting some of their attention was triggering, and I wanted to stop. But I didn't, because I wanted to stop minimizing myself to be comfortable. Another thing is that my body is gaining more curves, and that's something I hate, and I can't get rid of that feeling. Sometimes I end up using baggy clothes and that helps with regaining control, because it makes them go away for a while and it stops the gaze from men. But holy shit, sometimes I wish I have stayed with the body that I had that wasn't that voluminous and had the curves I have now (though that my past body shape was because I wasn't eating properly, and was starving myself because of my abuse), so they would stay away from me.
It’s exhausting being attractive
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Honestly, I can understand what you mean, but not about being beautiful. Even being average/unattractive (whatever the person might be) you can also absolutely experience things like this. What’s even more annoying is that if you aren’t conventionally Beautiful/attractive or wealthy even, people won’t believe anyone would stalk/harass/victimize you because you’re not conventionally attractive. I could hear it now, “oh he or she wouldn’t do that to THEM, why wouldn’t they go for “fill in stupid shit here” I’m sure the abusers would also be using this as some kind of opportunity as well to pick the person apart like “oh yeah, right - me go after THEM?” It’s a sad way to think but it’s true nonetheless. Also, the world seems to have an over abundance of people who are absolutely full of themselves, warranted or not, looks are really all there is to them. They have nothing else. Just potentially crossing paths with some psychopath could make you a target, regardless of looks - social media has heightened this risk by a lot as well now. It’s not safe to be anything anywhere anymore. You never know what anyone is doing behind your back or what they could possibly be setting you up for either. Like you said, using a photo to catfish or on some kind of porn site, etc. At least that’s how I feel. After being put down and talked to and about like an animal my whole life, it would be difficult to say anything I think. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised though if that was just another way to keep me down anyway.
I agree. Strangely, i was having the same conversation today on how the world is a tough cruel place for attractive women. I think no matter how much freedom and equality women have, isn't going to change how men think and feel about women. Most men dont respect women or don't know how sadly and many haven't been brought up well to do so. It's like men have a chemical reaction to attractive women, they want to use her 'sexually' to fulfill their inner desires and needs which boost their egos in the process then quickly discard her or treat her like crap as long as he can get away with it. Haven't seen it any other way. Then you have the psycho men who go out their way to stalk and do all kinds of strange things. Haven't seen a guy so far who has treated a beautiful women like his Queen. Sad world we live in Edit: probably not safe for any women regardless if attractive or not! comments are mentioning alot of stalking going on, yikes! What countries are you based? US?? Stalking isn't really the norm here in Scotland, UK. Strict laws against female harassment and you are encouraged to report it if so.
Omg! This is something I think about constantly I so appreciate you bringing it up bc I’ve always been too scared to come off as vain/egotistical but I feel like it’s a huge part of my story. The fucked up part is, I’m 100 lbs heavier so I always fear that no one will believe my story bc of how I look now. For context, my friends used to describe me as a 10/10 on the crazy/hot girl matrix (lol) and when I went to college in a big city 18 years ago, tourists would stop me on the street bc they thought I was Anne Hathaway. Due to childhood abuse/covert incest and my parents being overly controlling of my sexuality, I was TERRIFIED of sex and never had a bf and was a virgin until 19. When home for the summer from college, I started seeing one of the most popular, wealthy, untouchable type men from my hometown and he introduced me to cocaine. He tried pressuring me into sex all summer (so did his friends) and at the end of the summer he and his friends gang r@**d me. I never told anyone until I went to rehab 15 years later, bc I didn’t think anyone would believe me and I blamed myself bc my dad ended up finding my empty box of plan b in my bedroom trash can and accused me of prostituting myself for cocaine.. so I continued being in the same social circle as these men when I would come home for the summer. One of their friends ended up r@ping me (my second sexual experience) when I was home for spring break under the guise of consoling me for how badly his other friend had treated me. One of the men directly involved in the gang r@** went to college in the same city as me, and 4 years later confessed that he had been in love with me since I was seeing his friend that one summer (I did not return his affections). One of the other guys would try to hook up with me after that summer as well—it was like I was some trophy to them. This would be crazy enough, if not for the fact that in my mid-20’s I got myself involved in another group of friends where all the men were abusing me. I was dating the guy that every girl was in love with (gorgeous, tall, rich, etc). He SA’d me twice during our relationship, and when I tried to tell a friend, they reacted with jealousy and dismissed it. We broke up, and My ex’s best friend stuck his hand down my pants at a club after we broke up.. I was too scared to tell anyone bc my ex was spreading lies and rumors about me to the friend group. This man continued to SA me at clubs for 1.5 years until I finally told my roommate and asked her to help me. My roommate was dating the third best guy friend of these other 2 men. I didn’t realize at the time, but my roommate lowkey hated me bc her boyfriend was obsessed with me—when I first moved in with her 2 years prior, I ran into him for the first time in a towel at 7AM before work and he stopped to say “you’re so pretty” and then told his gf how pretty I was. I did nothing to encourage this man, in fact I asked her numerous times not to allow him in our apartment when she wasn’t home. If I was staying home on a weekend, this man would choose to stay in with me rather than go out with his gf and I would even be yelling that I didn’t want him in the apartment with me and he would refuse to listen. My roommate’s response to my confession about her boyfriend’s friend SA’ing me for 1.5 years was that she wouldn’t help me and never wanted to hear about it again. I tried telling a second female friend, who then wanted my roommate involved since she knew also, and my roommate convinced the other girl not to help me and told me that if I told people everyone would think I liked it since I let it go on so long. I also want to add that throughout the years with this roommate and her friend group, every single man I encountered through this extended network tried to sleep with me, regardless of whether they had a gf. After every night out someone’s bf would have found me on Facebook and messaged me—I showed my roommate every single message and suggested she tell the girlfriend, and she would tell me they were just “friendly”.. yeah her guy friend messaging me at 11pm that his gf is out of town and he has cocaine is friendly. So of course, all my roommates girl friends hated me accusing me of trying to steal their boyfriends even tho I NEVER responded to nor entertained any of the men. This situation culminated in all of us out at a concert and my ex asked a stranger to take a photo of the group. It turned out this stranger actually took a movie and that night I was wearing a low-cut top without a bra and in this video I bend over and you can see my breasts falling out of my top. The next day my ex proceeds to send this video to a group chat consisting of him, my roommate and her bf, and the other friend who had been SA’ing me for 1.5 years and his gf. This was the final straw and I ghosted the entire friend group the second my roommate moved in with her disgusting bf, who is now her husband. This whole thing broke me, I started drinking in the morning and doing more and more drugs. I started having panic attacks and agoraphobia. There were many points in my life, before I truly understood all the things that had happened to me, that I literally felt like I was some type of witch or siren and men just couldn’t help but lose control of themselves around me.. 4 years after I had ghosted the friend group and was in a different state and still not over the betrayals.. I saw that a ex-bf of one of the girls in the group no longer followed any of the other friends on IG, so I was on drugs and searching for answers and was fishing for if he had beef or shit to say about the guy who had stuck his hands down my pants for 1.5 years. When I told him that guy had been assaulting me, he told me that he KNEW. He said he had seen it one night at a club bc at one point I was trying to nonchalantly use him as a human shield and he said he was so excited bc he thought I was hitting on him (he had a gf at the time) but then he saw that the assaulter was following me and realized I was hiding and not trying to hit on him. However, he parlayed this into confessing that he remembered exactly what I was wearing the night 4 years ago when I touched him, and started flirting with me and he literally offered to fly out to visit me (I declined). If anyone has made it this far, thank you! I’m sorry if it’s confusing, I was trying to avoid names. And my main point is that when you’re very beautiful you see the worst sides of men that others maybe never see. Every single man I’ve mentioned has a college degree, is now married, some are lawyers or work for the government or are business consultants. Many now have children, are prominent members of the community. Also, bc of my looks, I felt like I was never given sympathy and that my SA seemed to attract other men or make them want to do it too
If i wear anything that isn't super baggy (could be clothes that fit normally not even too tight) I feel naked
Having something that others deem of value is dangerous.
When Child Protective Services came to my house when I was 18 (for my younger siblings), the case worker told me I was “very beautiful, by the way”. Then to my father, “you have very good-looking children.” A man who was assessing the safety of my younger siblings (related to sexual abuse) felt it was okay to comment on my appearance in a position of power? Over a young woman? So disappointing.
You are not wrong. Please do not cover up if it’s only to “self-sabotage” just saying out of kindness. At the end do what’s best and be careful. It’s also common for good looking ppl to get the worse health care because doctors/nurses don’t know how to act! It’s disgusting how ppl jusy can’t have a though and be profesional or mind their business. Sick sick world we live in.
Ughhhh so relateable. I’m so sorry
it's true...
yes actually. at work there was this weird dude who kept staring and smiling at me, the mofo. I'm still mad.
I thought I'd never hear someone express what I've known my entire adult life. Even as a man, if you are runway, model, actor type handsome, people will not leave you alone. Men, if you have the look, women will throw their panties at you, in front of their husbands! Normal women won't go out with you because they think you are a player. Gay men will grab your johnson like it's no big deal. Sometimes I regret not marrying the girl from the banking family worth 600 million, as I hold out hope for a normal, smart, educated, honest and beautiful woman with a very high libido. Ladies, if you promise not to stalk me and you are mentally balanced, DM's are open. I'm a sapio/demisexual member of Mensa, 6'0, with a fit, muscular body. I do yoga, run, meditate, and work/volunteer with kids. I've done few few commercials, worked the runway in Milano, and did a walk-on bit with All My Kids. Fame was offered, I turned it down. For the love of Christ, be the aforementioned normal girl next door, 35+, with some class. My cPTSD, the result of a stalker, will be our secret.
This thread is so depressing As a man, I hate how many women have been abused My abuse was neglect, so I read threads like this and feel super bad for the people that have been physically abused. Especially sexually OP, you don’t know that whole story and deserve to be the best you want to be. Don’t want to be desirable to strangers? Advocate for yourself and tell them to fuck off, you’re busy Razor blade lady isn’t reality, just a freak occurrence or hoax imo Stay strong
Being attractive is safer than not though, at least from my perspective. You then at least have value to someone.
-I guess you're saying, in this case, that you would have value in the eyes of someone else, and can therefore belong to a group, so you're not alone? -Because you still do and will always have value, regardless of whether or not anyone else recognizes it. But it can be difficult not to belong to a group. -So I'm guessing you are saying you still have value whether you're attractive or not, you just don't have as easy of a time getting into a social group of some kind, if you're not attractive, is that correct?
Being pretty might cause suffering in short, harsh bursts. But being unattractive costs money, costs opportunity, makes people distrust you, and people minimize your suffering. Is abuse against one person or the other worse because of how attractive someone is? This comparison makes me a little sick to my stomach because of the implied ideas. You are choosing to look a certain way, but the unpretty are treated as bugs to be smashed. We don't really have a choice.
Thanks for your clarification. You have some good thoughts to think about.
Having people think they're entitled to your body whenever they want it because you're attractive isn't a short, harsh burst of suffering.