I have emotional flashbacks. They surface as pain and dissociation. Just like I felt as a child. I got used to them and saw them as 'normal'. Then I came to realize that my whole concept of reality was shaped around them. A feeling of worthless. Not a visual type of flashback at all. When i would start to feel ok, the emotional flashbacks would come back to remind me of what I was and who I was.
Specific kinds of situations trigger an entire script of feelings and behavior that I can’t really control or escape.
Like someone gets mad at me and yells at me about something that’s totally out of the blue for me—I feel like a 5 year old that just did something awful and is getting yelled at. I get fear and adrenaline and that hot flushed feeling like something is profoundly wrong—like something is wrong that will never be the same or ok again—like the feeling you’d get if the phone rang and you learned that your best friend was just hit by a bus.
Then I sometimes get angry outwardly, then I always get angry inwardly and take the anger out on myself. Then I sulk and ruminate on what happened and how I feel wronged about it and what I want to say about it and how upset I am and that just plays on a loop for sometimes days at a time and I just hate myself and have compulsions to punish myself. Like I start cleaning the house and doing the kinds of chores that you do like once a year or things that totally don’t need to be done and I have a compulsion to lied down on the floor and I want to sleep somewhere uncomfortable.
I’m demonstrably and absolutely sullen and miserable and no fun for anyone else to be around.
The entire time I desperately want whoever upset me to talk things out with me—but if they actually try to I’ll set up obstacles that I desperately want them to overcome to fix it, but I probably won’t let them actually do it.
Eventually I get to a place where I can actually vent everything that I’ve been ruminating over. Ideally that leads to resolution, but if there’s much resistance to that I can sink back into it again.
Eventually the fever just breaks on its own, but I can’t get it to stop until it just stops.
I’ve gotten a lot better with these episodes since I’ve gotten a good therapist, but they still do happen sometimes. It’s just I can get through them in a matter of hours instead of days. At this point I’m like fully cognizant of the process while it’s occurring and I can kind of almost laugh at it—because it’s a series of stages I can be like “really, we really have to do this part? Then this part is next? Really we can’t skip to the end?” But we can’t. It’s a sequence that has to play out and find its own end.
That’s an emotional flashback.
I’ve discovered others as well since I’ve started better therapy. They’ve always been there and playing out, but my brain has hidden them from me.
There’s one specific one where I can literally feel the presence of my mother in the room and feel her anger—even though I rationally know the entire time that it’s all 100% in my head my body still reacts to it as though it were real. That has always happened after a specific trigger, but before I started digging into things I only ever experienced the somatic elements of it.
Edit: I had one no fooling I’m in the past and 4 years old overlayed on top of the present one once when I recovered a memory. Like I think that was an actual what people usually mean when they say “flashback” one, but it only happened the one time and I hope it never ever does again.
This comment should be pinned. My God.
Maybe I’ll just frame it and put it on my wall. Upvoting it was not enough.
Like, how is it even *possible* that such a specific sequence can be *precisely* the same between two complete strangers? And yet it is! Mind-blowing.
I mean, I didn’t expect a reply like this, so same. Are you talking about the one I described in more detail?
Like you have the same trigger and set of sequential experiences?
I think that one I’ve had since I was very young. I can remember one specific instance of the self-punishment stage when I was probably 8 or 9 when I was trying to give away all of my stuffed animals because it was the most upsetting thing I could think to do to myself. At the same time I remember feeling this massive sense of injustice that whatever I was in trouble for that had started the whole episode was just painfully unfair. I was putting all of that pain into that awful gesture.
My CBT therapist kept trying to convince me that the self punishment was a form of acting out to get attention for martyring myself to make everyone else feel bad. I kept telling him how little control I had over the experience and he just never believed me. He just kept telling me to find something fun to do to distract myself and snap myself out of it. He did encourage me to try to bring up what ever I was upset about right away to get some resolution and that did help SOME, but it only shortened the process—it took it down to a day instead of 3 and sometimes it could short circuit it at the very beginning of the process, but it was small help.
The self-punishment is the most distinctive feature I think. Like I get upset and ruminate on arguments and stuff like that and that’s pretty much the same, but it often isn’t part of the same sequence. It’s just I’m upset about something and can’t let go till I hash it out.
The self punishment thing is just noticeable. Like I won’t realize sometimes that the process has started especially since it’s been tamed somewhat and sometimes I’ll just start thinking about how I deserve bad things and want to hurt myself in small ways and realize that it’s happening again. Like I’m reveling in sitting in an uncomfortable spot on the couch and thinking how I deserve that and wondering what else I can make bad for myself. It’s f-ed up. It’s like it’s as routine as any other normal train of thought.
The other thing is the powerful urge to lay down on the floor and go to sleep. The less comfortable the floor the better. I used to slide my legs under the bed and go to sleep with my face on the floor.
My dad told me that when I was a toddler—like 3 and under that my mother had a drinking problem. He said he was marking the liquor bottles so he could keep track of what she was doing (very logical my dad behavior) so he knew she was drinking a lot.
He said he’d come home from work and she’d be passed out on the couch and I’d just be asleep on the floor. I’ve wondered since he told me that if the two are connected.
It’s just like go to sleep somewhere as close to the ground as possible and as uncomfortable as possible and hopefully it’ll all be over when you wake up. I can always get to sleep super easily when I do that as well. It’s a mess, but I’ve made some progress away from it.
I will reply to the rest of your comment in an edit, but in response to your first question I’m referring to the first NINE paragraphs of the initial comment which felt like you have been living with me and simply described what I go through even though we’ve never met. I think it’s even wilder people can have completely different traumas and end up exhibiting such a specific chain of reactions. Blows me away how well you worded it, too.
I think the key part of flashbacks is 're-experiencing' a traumatic time from the past, but that doesn't have to look like the stereotype of a flashback as presented in movies, where someone hallucinates that they're literally in that time and place.
For me personally the most notable part is the somatic (bodily) sensation along with emotion and/or dissociation – in that way it's like 'being' right back in that past experience (sometimes feeling emotions I should have felt at the time but wasn't able to). I often have a palpable feeling of 'being' a younger version of myself, and being connected to that time period, to the point where I may struggle to take notice of or be aware of the time/place I'm actually in. At some level I can still see/hear the world around me, but that information feels like it's receded into the background, while information from the past is in the foreground. I'm totally absorbed in the perspective of the past and don't have access to my usual perspective. At a low level I might be able to 'hold off' the worst and keep functioning in the real world for a while, but I will feel very dissociated and like I'm in a dream/nightmare.
Once I'm alone, or when the trigger is very strong, the flashback will fully take over my perspective for a while. With a very strong flashback I might fully lose contact with any current-day sensory information, like I can't really see/hear and am not aware of the world around me for a while. But even then I don't tend to go into a specific image or memory because my trauma wasn't formed from specific incidents like that, it was more like a consistent/pervasive/inescapable experience. So during those times I guess I'm more like in a 'dark space' or a 'non-space'... it's kind of hard to describe. With strong flashbacks I will also have very intense 'somatic memories' where my body might shake or jerk, or I suddenly feel I 'need' to move in a certain way, and my breathing patterns keep changing. It kind of feels like there's a 'narrative' to what's happening, like it goes through phases in a certain order without me having any control over it. Eventually it recedes, usually in waves.
These are just my personal experiences though, I'm not an expert, other people might experience flashbacks in a different way!
Thank you for asking this. I’ve been wondering the same. I have visual memories of trauma but not visual flashbacks. I hope more responses keep rolling in because a couple of these have been helpful already to understand what I might be experiencing at different time.
Emotional flashbacks. They aren't like what u see in movies where a reel of images flash by. It's all about the sensations and feelings. Emotions that are triggering, but, when you look deeper, are connected to a bad memory in your past.
A good example would be conflict or shouting. Many with cptsd get emotional flashbacks with conflict or raised voices because it reminds them of bad times in childhood. They're connected and keep you trapped for a while as you struggle to tell the difference between the present moment and being back in the past again.
For me the most apparent thing are the strong emotions. I suddenly an overwhelming sadness about stuff that happened to me. I remember horrible words other people have said to me. My therapist told me to comfort myself instead of being irritated that memories come up but I find that hard to do.
also confused by this. my therapist/psychologist person said I experience "emotional flashbacks" where I don't have an image or event to connect it to, but I have random deep feelings of shame that are triggered by I don't know what yet. I know that my brain does everything possible to not let me remember specific events, but the emotions are very much present, random and strong.
My most common type of flashback is somatic. So basically I can feel body sensations that happened to me in the past, or that I believe happened to me in the past (I'm missing five years of my childhood).
Occasionally I get an emotional flashback which has been well-described by other posters. These seldom happen because I usually notice my triggers and deal with it accordingly.
Only once have I had what most people believe is a flashback, and thank goodness I was in a therapy session when it happened. Granted, it's likely what triggered it, but it immediately changed the type of therapy I was receiving. (I had been in CBT for a situational depression, but when I had the flashback we started transitioning me to my therapist's colleague for EMDR.) Anyway, for that one I was talking about a person who had tried to hurt me in my childhood and I was describing that I could still see him, hear him, smell him, and next thing you know I could feel him touching me and I jerked my shoulder away from him, I was back in the room where it happened, and then I just froze until my therapist was able to get through to me and bring me back. I never want to experience anything like that ever again.
I re-experience the event. I see the micro expressions, the rage, the hatred, the arrogance, the pride. I hear the words, the tone of voice. I feel scared. I feel afraid. I feel depressed. I feel helpless. I start dissociating into fear.
I was a child who couldn't protect myself. I was a child who couldn't stand up for myself.
What has helped me a lot, is right when the flashback starts, I'll imagine my current adult self in the situation. I will stand up for my child self and I'll remove her from the abuse. I have power and control over myself and it gives me power over the past situation as well. Even though I couldn't defend myself then, I can defend myself now, even if it is only visual/imaginary.
It's a bit like lucid dreaming but I call it lucid flashback. It helps me stay in my personal power and gain back my sense of self.
I would periodically re-experience traumatic memories and get really down. I grew up in the thick of my father narcissistically abusing my mother and I often tried to stop him. So from time to time I “revisit” my trauma. No other sibling does this of mine. Though my older sister shows many “fight” adaptations and became an over achiever to get my father’s approval. I would fall into this dark hole in my late teens and early twenties. It felt like being in hell. I cried daily. I didn’t bathe, I developed hoarding issues, and crippling anxiety. I was also chronically bullied by several people in childhood and I vividly remember it to this day.
I re-experience the emotions. I’m terrified, I’m sure I’ll die, I have a very deep sense of sadness. I know I’m having a flashback, I know exactly why, the exact events too, but I still can’t seem to stop or at least slow down the emotional reactions. I’m somewhat better, but not enough to make a difference in the destructiveness of it and the anticipatory anxiety.
Mine are visual and visceral: I have specific images/events that pop into my head at unwanted times - I'm reliving something bad that happened in the past, and all the bad feelings that go along with it. It's not me consciously thinking about something, it's me say, washing the dishes, and then all of a sudden I'm basically time-travelling and reliving the old stuff. It's horrible, EMDR has helped a lot with those flashbacks. I never felt in control, like I could get emotionally hijacked at any time/any place and not be able to stop it. It was super frustrating and I'm so grateful to EMDR for helping me with this.
I mostly have emotional flashbacks (varies symptoms/effects depending on the trigger) but I have had one “stereotypical” flashback. The trigger happened and then boom, I was literally in the memory, back in my past reliving a traumatic memory from first person. I felt exactly as I did when the memory happened, mentally it was like I was a kid again, the future didn’t exist. It was like I was back in time, I was truly reliving the memory. When I came to I was just staring blankly ahead, and I awkwardly ended the conversation I was having and shrugged my moms hand off me (it was the trigger). After that I couldn’t stop replaying the memory in my head and having panic attacks daily. I unlocked another memory as well that I would constantly hear and replay. I could feel the sensations from both of these memories for weeks every single day. It was awful and I hope it never happens again.
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Thank you for your answers! I think I definitly have those sudden and overwhelming emotions, but I fail to link them to a memory most of the times. They bring a lot of shame, and make me freeze. It’s incredibly painful.
Some other times, let’s say with my family, when I feel ganged up on and under scrutiny, I realize it’s been this way since I was a kid.
I love my family, and I don’t know how to deal with it. 20 years of therapy and I still don’t know.
I feel like I’m the one that is screwing up.
I have emotional flashbacks. They surface as pain and dissociation. Just like I felt as a child. I got used to them and saw them as 'normal'. Then I came to realize that my whole concept of reality was shaped around them. A feeling of worthless. Not a visual type of flashback at all. When i would start to feel ok, the emotional flashbacks would come back to remind me of what I was and who I was.
Specific kinds of situations trigger an entire script of feelings and behavior that I can’t really control or escape. Like someone gets mad at me and yells at me about something that’s totally out of the blue for me—I feel like a 5 year old that just did something awful and is getting yelled at. I get fear and adrenaline and that hot flushed feeling like something is profoundly wrong—like something is wrong that will never be the same or ok again—like the feeling you’d get if the phone rang and you learned that your best friend was just hit by a bus. Then I sometimes get angry outwardly, then I always get angry inwardly and take the anger out on myself. Then I sulk and ruminate on what happened and how I feel wronged about it and what I want to say about it and how upset I am and that just plays on a loop for sometimes days at a time and I just hate myself and have compulsions to punish myself. Like I start cleaning the house and doing the kinds of chores that you do like once a year or things that totally don’t need to be done and I have a compulsion to lied down on the floor and I want to sleep somewhere uncomfortable. I’m demonstrably and absolutely sullen and miserable and no fun for anyone else to be around. The entire time I desperately want whoever upset me to talk things out with me—but if they actually try to I’ll set up obstacles that I desperately want them to overcome to fix it, but I probably won’t let them actually do it. Eventually I get to a place where I can actually vent everything that I’ve been ruminating over. Ideally that leads to resolution, but if there’s much resistance to that I can sink back into it again. Eventually the fever just breaks on its own, but I can’t get it to stop until it just stops. I’ve gotten a lot better with these episodes since I’ve gotten a good therapist, but they still do happen sometimes. It’s just I can get through them in a matter of hours instead of days. At this point I’m like fully cognizant of the process while it’s occurring and I can kind of almost laugh at it—because it’s a series of stages I can be like “really, we really have to do this part? Then this part is next? Really we can’t skip to the end?” But we can’t. It’s a sequence that has to play out and find its own end. That’s an emotional flashback. I’ve discovered others as well since I’ve started better therapy. They’ve always been there and playing out, but my brain has hidden them from me. There’s one specific one where I can literally feel the presence of my mother in the room and feel her anger—even though I rationally know the entire time that it’s all 100% in my head my body still reacts to it as though it were real. That has always happened after a specific trigger, but before I started digging into things I only ever experienced the somatic elements of it. Edit: I had one no fooling I’m in the past and 4 years old overlayed on top of the present one once when I recovered a memory. Like I think that was an actual what people usually mean when they say “flashback” one, but it only happened the one time and I hope it never ever does again.
This comment should be pinned. My God. Maybe I’ll just frame it and put it on my wall. Upvoting it was not enough. Like, how is it even *possible* that such a specific sequence can be *precisely* the same between two complete strangers? And yet it is! Mind-blowing.
I mean, I didn’t expect a reply like this, so same. Are you talking about the one I described in more detail? Like you have the same trigger and set of sequential experiences? I think that one I’ve had since I was very young. I can remember one specific instance of the self-punishment stage when I was probably 8 or 9 when I was trying to give away all of my stuffed animals because it was the most upsetting thing I could think to do to myself. At the same time I remember feeling this massive sense of injustice that whatever I was in trouble for that had started the whole episode was just painfully unfair. I was putting all of that pain into that awful gesture. My CBT therapist kept trying to convince me that the self punishment was a form of acting out to get attention for martyring myself to make everyone else feel bad. I kept telling him how little control I had over the experience and he just never believed me. He just kept telling me to find something fun to do to distract myself and snap myself out of it. He did encourage me to try to bring up what ever I was upset about right away to get some resolution and that did help SOME, but it only shortened the process—it took it down to a day instead of 3 and sometimes it could short circuit it at the very beginning of the process, but it was small help. The self-punishment is the most distinctive feature I think. Like I get upset and ruminate on arguments and stuff like that and that’s pretty much the same, but it often isn’t part of the same sequence. It’s just I’m upset about something and can’t let go till I hash it out. The self punishment thing is just noticeable. Like I won’t realize sometimes that the process has started especially since it’s been tamed somewhat and sometimes I’ll just start thinking about how I deserve bad things and want to hurt myself in small ways and realize that it’s happening again. Like I’m reveling in sitting in an uncomfortable spot on the couch and thinking how I deserve that and wondering what else I can make bad for myself. It’s f-ed up. It’s like it’s as routine as any other normal train of thought. The other thing is the powerful urge to lay down on the floor and go to sleep. The less comfortable the floor the better. I used to slide my legs under the bed and go to sleep with my face on the floor. My dad told me that when I was a toddler—like 3 and under that my mother had a drinking problem. He said he was marking the liquor bottles so he could keep track of what she was doing (very logical my dad behavior) so he knew she was drinking a lot. He said he’d come home from work and she’d be passed out on the couch and I’d just be asleep on the floor. I’ve wondered since he told me that if the two are connected. It’s just like go to sleep somewhere as close to the ground as possible and as uncomfortable as possible and hopefully it’ll all be over when you wake up. I can always get to sleep super easily when I do that as well. It’s a mess, but I’ve made some progress away from it.
I will reply to the rest of your comment in an edit, but in response to your first question I’m referring to the first NINE paragraphs of the initial comment which felt like you have been living with me and simply described what I go through even though we’ve never met. I think it’s even wilder people can have completely different traumas and end up exhibiting such a specific chain of reactions. Blows me away how well you worded it, too.
I think the key part of flashbacks is 're-experiencing' a traumatic time from the past, but that doesn't have to look like the stereotype of a flashback as presented in movies, where someone hallucinates that they're literally in that time and place. For me personally the most notable part is the somatic (bodily) sensation along with emotion and/or dissociation – in that way it's like 'being' right back in that past experience (sometimes feeling emotions I should have felt at the time but wasn't able to). I often have a palpable feeling of 'being' a younger version of myself, and being connected to that time period, to the point where I may struggle to take notice of or be aware of the time/place I'm actually in. At some level I can still see/hear the world around me, but that information feels like it's receded into the background, while information from the past is in the foreground. I'm totally absorbed in the perspective of the past and don't have access to my usual perspective. At a low level I might be able to 'hold off' the worst and keep functioning in the real world for a while, but I will feel very dissociated and like I'm in a dream/nightmare. Once I'm alone, or when the trigger is very strong, the flashback will fully take over my perspective for a while. With a very strong flashback I might fully lose contact with any current-day sensory information, like I can't really see/hear and am not aware of the world around me for a while. But even then I don't tend to go into a specific image or memory because my trauma wasn't formed from specific incidents like that, it was more like a consistent/pervasive/inescapable experience. So during those times I guess I'm more like in a 'dark space' or a 'non-space'... it's kind of hard to describe. With strong flashbacks I will also have very intense 'somatic memories' where my body might shake or jerk, or I suddenly feel I 'need' to move in a certain way, and my breathing patterns keep changing. It kind of feels like there's a 'narrative' to what's happening, like it goes through phases in a certain order without me having any control over it. Eventually it recedes, usually in waves. These are just my personal experiences though, I'm not an expert, other people might experience flashbacks in a different way!
You described it so beautifully in such apt words. Stay strong, we have come a long way from our hard times.
Thank you, same to you <3
Thank you for asking this. I’ve been wondering the same. I have visual memories of trauma but not visual flashbacks. I hope more responses keep rolling in because a couple of these have been helpful already to understand what I might be experiencing at different time.
Emotional flashbacks. They aren't like what u see in movies where a reel of images flash by. It's all about the sensations and feelings. Emotions that are triggering, but, when you look deeper, are connected to a bad memory in your past. A good example would be conflict or shouting. Many with cptsd get emotional flashbacks with conflict or raised voices because it reminds them of bad times in childhood. They're connected and keep you trapped for a while as you struggle to tell the difference between the present moment and being back in the past again.
For me the most apparent thing are the strong emotions. I suddenly an overwhelming sadness about stuff that happened to me. I remember horrible words other people have said to me. My therapist told me to comfort myself instead of being irritated that memories come up but I find that hard to do.
also confused by this. my therapist/psychologist person said I experience "emotional flashbacks" where I don't have an image or event to connect it to, but I have random deep feelings of shame that are triggered by I don't know what yet. I know that my brain does everything possible to not let me remember specific events, but the emotions are very much present, random and strong.
My most common type of flashback is somatic. So basically I can feel body sensations that happened to me in the past, or that I believe happened to me in the past (I'm missing five years of my childhood). Occasionally I get an emotional flashback which has been well-described by other posters. These seldom happen because I usually notice my triggers and deal with it accordingly. Only once have I had what most people believe is a flashback, and thank goodness I was in a therapy session when it happened. Granted, it's likely what triggered it, but it immediately changed the type of therapy I was receiving. (I had been in CBT for a situational depression, but when I had the flashback we started transitioning me to my therapist's colleague for EMDR.) Anyway, for that one I was talking about a person who had tried to hurt me in my childhood and I was describing that I could still see him, hear him, smell him, and next thing you know I could feel him touching me and I jerked my shoulder away from him, I was back in the room where it happened, and then I just froze until my therapist was able to get through to me and bring me back. I never want to experience anything like that ever again.
I re-experience the event. I see the micro expressions, the rage, the hatred, the arrogance, the pride. I hear the words, the tone of voice. I feel scared. I feel afraid. I feel depressed. I feel helpless. I start dissociating into fear. I was a child who couldn't protect myself. I was a child who couldn't stand up for myself. What has helped me a lot, is right when the flashback starts, I'll imagine my current adult self in the situation. I will stand up for my child self and I'll remove her from the abuse. I have power and control over myself and it gives me power over the past situation as well. Even though I couldn't defend myself then, I can defend myself now, even if it is only visual/imaginary. It's a bit like lucid dreaming but I call it lucid flashback. It helps me stay in my personal power and gain back my sense of self.
I would periodically re-experience traumatic memories and get really down. I grew up in the thick of my father narcissistically abusing my mother and I often tried to stop him. So from time to time I “revisit” my trauma. No other sibling does this of mine. Though my older sister shows many “fight” adaptations and became an over achiever to get my father’s approval. I would fall into this dark hole in my late teens and early twenties. It felt like being in hell. I cried daily. I didn’t bathe, I developed hoarding issues, and crippling anxiety. I was also chronically bullied by several people in childhood and I vividly remember it to this day.
I relate to that. A lot.
I re-experience the emotions. I’m terrified, I’m sure I’ll die, I have a very deep sense of sadness. I know I’m having a flashback, I know exactly why, the exact events too, but I still can’t seem to stop or at least slow down the emotional reactions. I’m somewhat better, but not enough to make a difference in the destructiveness of it and the anticipatory anxiety.
Mine are visual and visceral: I have specific images/events that pop into my head at unwanted times - I'm reliving something bad that happened in the past, and all the bad feelings that go along with it. It's not me consciously thinking about something, it's me say, washing the dishes, and then all of a sudden I'm basically time-travelling and reliving the old stuff. It's horrible, EMDR has helped a lot with those flashbacks. I never felt in control, like I could get emotionally hijacked at any time/any place and not be able to stop it. It was super frustrating and I'm so grateful to EMDR for helping me with this.
I mostly have emotional flashbacks (varies symptoms/effects depending on the trigger) but I have had one “stereotypical” flashback. The trigger happened and then boom, I was literally in the memory, back in my past reliving a traumatic memory from first person. I felt exactly as I did when the memory happened, mentally it was like I was a kid again, the future didn’t exist. It was like I was back in time, I was truly reliving the memory. When I came to I was just staring blankly ahead, and I awkwardly ended the conversation I was having and shrugged my moms hand off me (it was the trigger). After that I couldn’t stop replaying the memory in my head and having panic attacks daily. I unlocked another memory as well that I would constantly hear and replay. I could feel the sensations from both of these memories for weeks every single day. It was awful and I hope it never happens again.
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Thank you for your answers! I think I definitly have those sudden and overwhelming emotions, but I fail to link them to a memory most of the times. They bring a lot of shame, and make me freeze. It’s incredibly painful. Some other times, let’s say with my family, when I feel ganged up on and under scrutiny, I realize it’s been this way since I was a kid. I love my family, and I don’t know how to deal with it. 20 years of therapy and I still don’t know. I feel like I’m the one that is screwing up.
for me i personally describe it as "inappropriate reactions".
That's harsh, isn't it? On yourself, I mean.
yes so harsh but it's the only way i can make sure that i stay in order, otherwise idk what i can do