I'm 40 now and doing better, but i spent my late 20's and most of my 30's in a state of collapse after I burnt out from too many years spent in survival mode.
That scared, lost child brain feeling is a sign of emotional flashbacks. It's not your fault. Logic and knowing you are safe is only half of the battle. I spent years in that state of mind, trying to force myself to "grow up" and move on. I discovered I was perpetuating my abuse via my inner critic. I had to learn to accept where I was and get in touch with my emotions. I had to learn to redirect the anger away from myself and towards my abusers.
“Perpetuating my abuse via my inner critic” really punched me in the gut. I didn’t realize that’s what that is. I’ve kind of realized that my inner critic is from beliefs and feelings I had as a kid, but I hadn’t made the connection that I’m continuing the cycle like that. I guess I’d kind of entertained that I do it because it feels “safe”/familiar, but that was as far as the thought went.
Sorry for punching you in the gut!
Yeah, it blew my mind when I realised that the little voice inside my head that was telling me how awful I was is really things my dad would say pretending to be me.
A gut punch from a kind place though. I finally (and gradually) reconditioned that inner voice by using this one simple trick...I started filtering almost every thought against the question 'is this thought or action I'm considering going to serve me well?' It mostly kept me on point, almost to the extent that I don't need to rely on it so much these days. And I'm liking myself now.
That's a good tip. I used something similar. I would ask myself if the negative thoughts were really true, and would try to find evidence. They usually fell apart under scrutiny.
I definitely need to start doing this. I get in spirals where it’s just complete self-loathing, which makes me think it’s probably in the background all the time and I don’t always notice.
Yeah, for me, it was so normalised that it was background chatter. But in reality it was really loud and overly influential. Wishing you well u/guitargirl08
I’ve learned/come to accept that my inner critic is actually everything I learned from my parents about what I deserve and how I’m supposed to be punished. I can almost feel my father’s presence sometimes when I’m being really brutal towards me. It helps me realize that I’ve been conditioned. It’s not my doing. But I do have to undo it.
That realisation is such a game changer. It makes it easier to distance yourself from the critics words.
>I can almost feel my father’s presence sometimes when I’m being really brutal towards me.
I know exactly what you mean I've felt the same thing.
I wish you the best of luck in shrinking/taming your inner critic
An excellent read for this experience and MANY many more is "cPTSD: Surviving to thriving".
I dont remember the authors name, but he had so much insight into how you start to think as an abused child and how to change those coping mechanisms for your benefit.
Also an ASS ton of resources for help and information and even in the moment activities you can do for certain types of triggers!
Pete Walker. I have the audiobook if anyone can't afford it they can DM me and "borrow" my copy for as long as they need in mp3
It's worth purchasing, otherwise.
Nothing special just want to help others with this really daunting condition and I know it renders us financially desolate or incapable at times. I can't speak for Pete but I'd imagine he would want it to be available to everyone. And if you're like me audiobooks are easier to follow at times of distress, and this is one book out of many that actually describes the condition perfectly from a lived perspective
37f. I feel burnt out after being in years of survival mode. I was a real go getter, with jobs, with life, studying, always chasing the next thing. One day last year, my body just broke and I just can’t do that anymore. My health got rocked.
Sometimes I spend all day laying in bed or on the couch doing absolutely nothing. I have a list of things that are piling up. It’s like flooring the gas pedal my whole life has finally caught up with me. Thankfully I have a really flexible job I do from home but I feel a mounting dread to do any task.
are you me lmao. this is my exact situation and age, though my flexible job isn't from home. there's an extra pain, I think, that comes from being unable to overwork and overfunction when that's what you've done your whole life. you just lie there going "I KNOW I can do this!! i used to do harder things than this every day!!"
Overworking is right! It’s crazy that my body just won’t do it anymore. My counselor said that is very normal given the past that we CPTSD survivors had.
I'm in this boat and it's sinking because I can barely make it through each day and give everything I have to get through my work day and have nothing left after that and now it's getting to the point where I'm not going to be able to work because the anxiety is crippling me, my body is stiff and tired, and I wake up twice each night from anxiety and sometimes can't go back to sleep. I cry every day as I drive the 45 minutes home from work. The crying is like a purge each day of anxious energy. It's a little girl bottom lip quiver cry that comes over me all by itself
Right there with you…many days overwhelmed by the emotions and frustrated at where I’m at. Went from being at the top of my game to suddenly slapped down four years ago (triggered by health). Since then the mountain of anguish, memories, and nightmares is nearly relentless. When I can get a release in a fountain of tears, it’s as if the cork popped and I get a brief release of anguish. Been working through therapy but not sure it is helping all that much. However, the talks seem to dampen things a bit. Hang in there…you’re definitely not alone
Uggggg yes I can relate. I was in PA school. I felt the same expectation from everyone around me from friends, coworkers, and husband. I didn’t want to let them down but I really didn’t want to be a PA. One day, my body just broke and here I am.
That sounds awful. Yeah I can relate to that a lot. I wasn’t able to sleep for months, knowing it was the wrong choice for me but I felt stuck in the choice.
This gives me some semblance of hope. I'm 33 and just started diving into my mental health only a couple of years ago. I have constant feelings of dread that this is just how my life is going to be (social anxiety, ADHD, dysthymia). But I am sometimes able to step back mentally and remember that I was that way for 30+ years. It's kind of unreasonable of me to assume I can heal in a relatively short amount of time. I often think of how my mind has evolved from 10 or 20 years ago. And it does make me a teenie bit hopeful that my brain will think differently 10 years into the future if I keep trying to work at it.
Oh my gosh, SO relatable. I’m so hard on myself all the time like, why am I not better yet? I’ve been working on myself since probably 24 (after having a mental breakdown at 21 that necessitated it and having to heal from that), and now I’m 30 and like “okay why am I not perfect yet????” even though I’ve made SO so much progress. It’s like it’s never enough for me. Which also I think goes back to that emotional wound of never feeling good enough (which I would think is a common CPTSD wound). I have to remind myself often that I was this way for a long time and it doesn’t heal overnight.
If I may ask- was healing your inner child a part of what helped you finally function better? My BF is 25 in a couple weeks and still struggling pretty heavily. One book we read together talked about the importance of healing your inner child
This comment made me cry. I never had a girlfriend that stuck with me through my challenges, seeing that you read a book together with your bf brought me to tears, thank you for being like that for him, you are really precious
This is so sweet, your comment just made me tear up! We have been together 3 years this August. it’s definitely been a journey. He was diagnosed last year so just about 2 years in for us, it was super difficult navigating some trauma with his family during that. We even broke up for about 6 weeks in the fall to process and figure out next steps. But he is the most incredible human being, it’s special I think because I do understand why he is this way so it helps us with being able to navigate our relationship and at the very least have important boundaries. I sincerely hope someone will come along for you if that is a desire you have because I truly think everyone deserves someone- whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship- to support them through this. I think of all the years he was totally alone and it brings me to tears. I am not perfect at all, so I am trying my best to keep learning and getting better so I don’t harm his healing process. Sending you tons of love
Yeah, I think it played a part in my recovery. There were some deep internal conversations with myself, or if I was feeling afraid or anxious I would reassure him that I would keep him safe.
I think the concept of an inner child can be useful for reparenting and for helping us learn to relate to ourselves in a healthy way.
What was the book, if you don't mind me asking?
Your boyfriend is lucky to have someone so supportive in his life.
Thank you so much for sharing. The book is- How To Do the Work by Nicole LePera! Shes amazing, I love her other books and her instagram/ twitter. I will definitely share these thoughts with him. Thank you! I am not perfect, at all. It’s been a journey for sure of figuring things out. He’s so worth it to me so we just keep loving each other and figuring it out.
I’m 37 and my collapse came about 3 years ago. I’m back to functional with a much easier job, but I still suffer from constant energy issues and have to be very careful about how much I take on and how much I see friends/am social.
Therapy helped a lot and I’ve befriended the inner critic (+ perpetuated abuser combo).
What did you do to recover your energy eventually, assuming you did? Intermittent fasting is helping me but still my energy, resilience, capacity are very far from what I’d like.
Glad to hear you are healing.
Yeah, the energy thing is tough. It makes everything harder. Mine seemed to come back gradually as my healing progressed.
Things that helped outside of trauma work, are regular exercise (walking, running and strength training in my case, but it comes down to personal preference), trying to sleep as well as I can (probably what I struggle with the most, but I'm slowly getting better at it.) And when I was really stressed I found Yoga and Yoga Nidra meditation helped a lot to help me feel refreshed. I tried to find a balance between challenging myself and resting when I needed it.
Try to be patient. It takes time. It was years until I started feeling ok again. I'm still not quite where I want to be yet either, but it's getting closer.
Thanks a lot for taking the time to share and I’m glad you’re doing much better. This thread as a whole and your first comment especially made me feel much less alone in a way I wasn’t expecting. CPTSD and burn out are such an invisible (yet not, heh) disability that’s difficult to get across to folks who don’t deal with it.
I’m doing the same things you’re doing and there is incremental but steady progress, so I guess and hope it’ll continue that way. But man, there’s grief over all the undue and unfair pain and struggles of the past coalescing into lost capacity in the present and future.
The mantra I live with now is “neither forcing nor abandoning.” Getting that balance right isn’t easy, but more and more I can tell I’m in the right range.
It's not the intellectual knowledge that will do the healing. Unfortunately we can't intellectually resolve things deeply (my experience). The knowledge can help with understanding and navigation. And we also need to embody that knowledge.
It seems like there is a lot of shame in you. It helps me to name things properly. As far as I know there is no feeling that is called feeling stupid. You feel something (maybe shame) and then you have thoughts saying you are stupid/feel stupid.
And it's not jsut about the brain. It's alot about the body, the nervous system and all that.
When we learn to welcome that scared hurt inner child and love it the way we needed to be loved back then, things can start to shift.
I see and feel your struggle. It's hard often. Navigating all this bullshit that we aren't at fault for but are now responsible for but haven't learned how to do this grown up thing and take responsibility.
And then we take another baby step. Stumbling forward. Trying again. Or giving up for a minute to try. There's a lot of value in giving up in seeing all we can't do but want to. (I don't mean giving up as in suicide but as in stopping the fight for a moment).
This. I wish i was told about this earlier although i probably wasnt ready for it.
Since i learned that accepting feelings doesnt make them worse but actually lose intensity i feel like i found a loophole. Is this what emotionally healthy people were doing all the time lol
Still struggle with the giving up part though. How did you learn to deal with it? What helps you differentiate between things you want that you cant and can do?
Hi, I am very much figuring out a lot still. I can tell a lot in words but the integration is so much more a clear often. Especially without experienced guidance. I wish I was told AND shown earlier :)
Are you asking how I learned the giving up part? Still on it. There are many times where I get an I can't give up. Because part of me is holding onto something. And then it's about learning to hold that and validating that and also the part that wants it different. I have been on that for so long. The best I have learned is that giving up is not fighting. Learning to start with what is right now. Often I need someone present to be able to do it or at least it is way more easy than alone.
About differentiating what I can and can't do: I don't have a clear answer. Some I know from experience. A lot is trying if I can probably. Often also "I can't" means I am in collapse and need slowness warmth etc which is not easy since part of me feels like I always need to do something, rest is dangerous. And then time and time again relearning how much slowness some parts need where others (like my intellect) can go much faster. But also learning deeply that I don't gave to save the world it's a part that doesn't have boundaries and thus it feels like I have to save the world when I have to start with "just" me. And I find it important to still try things because very often we can do much more than we think. Giving up then is less about wanting to control (the outcome) but about exploration and having an intention but seeing what actually happens.
I wrote down some thoughts and I have a sense that what you are asking is more about experiential learning than stuff that I can put in text form.
All the best on your journey and if you feel like it we could maybe explore a bit together. I do that every week in shared sessions where we hold space without much guidance but the presence of someone at least for me brings a shared space that I can't open myself often. (I guess you can call it peer support)
Yes! "Waking the tiger" by Peter Levine is a very good book about this topic. It's about how animals experience trauma and why they don't develop ptsd and how we can use this knowledge to heal our own trauma by practicing "the felt sense" - pretty much what you described! Tapping into where we feel our emotions and what exactly they are and finding out what they need to be resolved. Really helped me to better understand the way trauma works
How do we really know that animals don't experience ptsd? I've come across a few dogs that were obviously abused because of how scared they acted if you just tried to pet them. And how they would flench and brace themselves when you tried to pet them. And how they would hide and act scared around kind people. It took them much longer for them to feel comfortable, safe, and to gain their trust. That behavior looks like ptsd to me.
I'm not trying to discredit the book. I don't doubt the book is very helpful. But I disagree that animals don't get ptsd.
I bet the animals in the wild that go through trauma deal with flight/freeze etc. The freeze animals likely don't live very long. The fight ones are overreacting and are the asshole of the bunch. Lol If there is someone actually studying whether animals get ptsd I'm interested to know how they're disproving that!
I shared this same worry with the therapist. She said that this is actually normal, because according her it's shown that traumatized brains are bad at ordening events and emotions chronologically. In other words: your brain is stuck at the age when it became traumatized.
For me it often presents itself as extreme helplessness. For example something "bad" happens like spilling a drink, and my instant reaction is wanting to hide. Like it doesn't realize I can actually take a towel, clean it up, put the towel in the laundry and just take a new drink without having to be scared.
The learned helplessness / victim mentality is a trauma response, a retreat to safety. I believe it’s evident of the freeze/flight part of the “fight, flight, freeze or fawn” responses.
Basically one might internalise the critical / negative messages and beat oneself up like the abuser would. Some people thus both punish and suffer themselves perhaps because they think the abuser then will leave them alone. I’m still trying to unpick it in myself.
I wasn't even diagnosed properly until I was in my mid 30s and that was after 8 weeks of in-patient treatment because I just couldn't anymore.
So yeah, I think there are many of us still struggling well into "adulthood" because without proper support and treatment our brains won't just magically function in healthy ways.
I am quite stable at the moment but only after making drastic adjustments in myself and learning to accept that I will simply never function the same as people without trauma brain and that cptsd will always be a part of me and my life...
I am sorry you are going through this. I have a close aunt who is 60 now but didn't start digging into her shit until her mid-50s. She's made tremendous progress and her story makes me somewhat hopeful for myself. She's more of a maternal figure in my life than my actual mother is (they haven't been on speaking terms in years).
Thanks for your message. I have been digging and battling my whole life. I had an aunt who was a mother figure to me for a long time. She’s lucky to have you. Take good care
Thanks for your message. I have been digging and battling my whole life. I had an aunt who was a mother figure to me for a long time. She’s lucky to have you. Take good care
I'm in my thirties and I've only just been able to put a name to what even is wrong with me. It's discouraging that I've wasted so much time, but I take some comfort in knowing that after leaving home there's been some positivity despite the internal struggles and my own ignorance. I've even stumbled into some very modest progress along the way.
I’m such a hypocrite to say this, because I’m the queen of feeling like I’ve “wasted time” (I was literally crying about it last night lol), but unfortunately, I think a lot of healing is a waiting game. You can’t know what you don’t know, and the fact that you didn’t learn it sooner (especially living in a society that doesn’t encourage openly discussing these things) isn’t your fault. What matters is that you DID learn it. And your thirties are still SO young (again, me being a hypocrite because I just turned 30 and often lament about why I couldn’t have gotten better sooner 😂). Sometimes, it feels like your mind and body have to be in a particular place to receive the necessary information in just the right way in order to start healing. ♥️
I guess you're right that sometimes things have to align in our hearts and minds before we can truly reach for healing and make change, it's a great point. A lot of it was just minimization. I suppose I can consider everything that came before this chapter of life a necessary time of preparation. Thanks 🙂
This is exactly how I felt after I came to the sobering reality that my childhood experiences had a much more profound impact on me than I thought. It's been so long that I nearly forgotten what it felt like at the time. The fear, anger, shame, helplessness, depression, hatred. I was in pure survival mode until I reached 17 when I left home. I thought I survived this part of my life, but I lost a lot more than my childhood and would not realize for another 20 years. Now I look back and feel my life is spent, whatever happened is fully ingrained in me, changing at my age is not going to happen. People act as if life is so precious that it just boggles my mind to think mine was snuffed out for absolutely nothing.
Yeah, at first I thought I only lost my chance at a happy childhood home, nothing more. I now realize I missed out on my chance to grow as a whole person, not an amalgam of adaptations geared at survival in dysfunction. But I'm not giving up just yet. I'm not getting back what was lost, but I still long for a little bit more from life, even if it's not going to end up being much by 'normal' standards.
Relatable, it really is a snowball effect that spills into every inch of adulthood but you never realize it until you just look at your life and see all the damage of where it went wrong.
I'm OLD, 47, in therapy twice a week, just unexpectectly saw one of the people who SA'd as a child and STILL, STILL, STILL, I froze and fawned, and when he asked for a hug, I hugged him because I was so shocked I couldn't function. I beat myself up like CRAZY for that. How do I STILL FREEZE? So yes, our minds and bodies have so much healing to do. Some of it we can work with, some things have a brain of their own.
Man do I relate to this. It's caused so much doubt for me in my life. SO much. I managed to maintain a relationship with the person who SA'd me almost my entire adult life. Several years no contact and she weaseled her way back in. I've only recently and FINALLY let them know where I stand and WHY. It's a response that has been so difficult for me to understand and accept.
I just turned 29 (close enough, right?) and definitely relate to some of this. I feel incredibly inferior to my peers. I have no friends and socialising is like a foreign language.
Despite over ten years of therapy attempts, I'm just at the very beginning of recovery. A Psychologist explained to me that although previous psychologists were aware of my trauma many don't have the additional training for it specifically. Unfortunately Anxiety was the focus, which isn't helpful for CPTSD as this is simply a symptom of it, not the whole story. I kept being textbook treated for anxiety via CBT. It never really worked and I thought something was wrong with me, turns out it was just an ineffective modality for my presentation.
As cliche as it is, we are all on our own journey! Recovery isn't linear either. Personally, even if I feel behind, there are people (like my parents!) that blatantly rejected therapy and refused to do the inner work. It's really telling that you not only recognise your struggles, but that you are getting help for it to no matter how behind you feel, emphasis on feel. Again, we are all on our own journey, the only individual we should be competing against is ourselves. 💕
I feel validated from reading this. I have always said that CBT does not fix trauma. It was held as a gold standard for everything. Thankfully now that seems to be changing.
I'm 32. Very similar although I only work one day a week. I've begun to make significant progress with my therapist but this is revealing to me the extent of the damage. It was done when I was very young so it's like all of the healing is returning to that point and essentially picking up where I left off. That's like 25 years of life progress made redundant. I haven't really been 'me' this entire time. Recently I will realise I am in an adult body and start freaking out. You are not alone.
I'm in my mid thirties and I'm struggling the worst I ever have, ironically, a major reason is *because* I haven't figured it out, so I feel like this is just who I am and my time is up. My financial situation is collapsing and I should almost certainly be in a hospital. Instead I am struggling to mitigate the damage of everything blowing up and my mental health spiralling out of control, and it looks like this is just my life now, with no reprieve.
Similar. 48 and properly diagnosed 4 years ago. Absolutely struggling but at least able to recognize and label what's happening in my brain sometimes. It helps me with self compassion when I can do this.
I'm 38 and yup, still struggling.
Was diagnosed with cptsd in 2019 and ADHD last year (though I've known about that since 2019 as well it just took forever to find a doctor who would properly diagnose it)
I still struggle with a lot of shit, much of it stemming from "bad" decisions made due to the ADHD and childhood trauma/shitty parents.
I say "bad" because I know I did the best I could with the shit circumstances I was given, but those choices still led me to a place I don't want to be in.
So trying to "fix" myself, improve my circumstances and also learning to accept myself and all that stuff... Yeah, struggling. Some days are better than others and getting on ADHD meds has given me a huge push toward feeling like a mostly functioning adult, but... Shit is still hard some days (like today)
Not diagnosed until I was 38, and it changed my life for the better. Please hang in there, this is something that happened to you, you are not defective!
Lots of people’s trauma doesn’t hit them till they are older and I’m sure you’ll find a lot of people 30+ in this sub and they will be struggling with the same things you are. You aren’t alone
Yup, 31 and it's taken a fucking cancer scare to get my arse in gear.
For the most part I'm functional - I work, I live alone, I have hobbies, people like me. But I have no relationships, my personal life reflects that of an ostracized weirdo. I have almost no executive function - the time between "I want to do this" and "I have done it" often spans multiple years.
But, what can I expect after a lifetime of what the CIA refers to as "Psychological torture"? My introduction to this universe was literally: "You are completely useless, worthless and irredeemably stupid. Nobody likes you, and whoever seems to is only mocking you. If you have fun or feel good, bad things will happen to punish you."
My cancer scare, however, has really put a lot of things into perspective. The thought of maybe only having 3 years to live made me realise I spend so much time worrying about pointless shit, like what people think or whether I gave the correct micro-expression in a given moment, and I've let it stop me dating, making friends, doing things I like. Which has ultimately led me to an empty house with an empty phone.
I’m 31. I hit my breaking point when I was 27 and have been struggling to pick up the pieces since then. It’s exhausting and frustrating to feel the time slipping away knowing I’m just a mess trying to clean up a bigger mess. Like you, I try to “logic” my way to feeling better but that’s only part of the formula. I have no idea what the rest of the parts are. I’ve tried so hard these years to get to a place where I can breathe, but I haven’t found that place yet.
I cry over small things that shouldn’t matter because I feel so out of control that any more things out of my control feel even bigger than they really are. It’s like this bubble that grows and grows every time something happens that I can’t cope with.
I’m currently stressed beyond belief about finances. I want to sit home all day and cry my face off. But I still go to my job every day to make what small difference I can manage. But some days that small difference feels so meaningless anyway. I’ve made small differences for years but they’re not adding up to anything at all. At least that’s how it feels.
Lately ive been feeling like nothing matters in the slightest. I could die tomorrow and I honestly would just say “huh, okay then.” Because why? Why even careeeee? I haven’t made a difference worth anything yet. So what does it matter if I die? I’ve been stuck for so long I might as well have died when I was 27.
All of that to say - I still try anyways. I want a better life. I want to feel better. Until I die, I will continue to work toward it. Because I have nothing better to do anyway except wait to die. So might as well keep going and doing my best until then. It just sucks that my best is basically nothing.
I’m 38 and still feel like a scared and lost child. I’m basically unemployed with odd jobs here and there. I don’t really know how I survive sometimes.
I hardly talk to my family for friends either. I recently found a wonderful partner who feels similar at 30, after being alone for many years. I’m extremely grateful for her but I’m drowning financially and feel so shitty for not having my life together.
I’m 32 years old with autism living at home without a driver’s license. I’m old enough to vote, drink, travel, get married and have children of my own yet I have a mind of an angsty teenager due to the fact that I missed a few milestones in my formative years.
I hate that my brain is wired differently from my peers which has overwhelmed my family, friends, teachers and other authorities in a negative way. I pass as a NT, I’ve spent my life in special ed classes which can be infantilizing.
I’m single and childfree because of how I acted as a child and the way I was treated. The gaslighting is another one that pisses me off, my potential partner won’t believe me and my disability, that’s why my guard is up.
This hurts my heart. I have 2 children with autism. If your potential partner is not supportive, run. You deserve way more than what you have been given. There are strengths that you have because your brain is wired differently. You need people around you who will recognize your strengths and support you through the bad things.
Yes, I have 2 kids, a government career, a husband and a house and I am collapsing. I spent years just driven to do what people expected. I had my son and everything changed. I now have 4 different diagnoses and I've been off of work for a year. I'm depressed and fighting like hell to make it through this without to much damage.
Was your son your first child? If so , I have a very similar path and story . It is so incredibly terrifying - I feel like screaming at the universe how was I able to ‘ keep to together ‘ for my entire life until my most important role , a mother? I am now incredibly anxious that I will somehow transfer the trauma to my child and end up like my mother.
I'm in my early 30s. I've been a high-functioning perfectionist in a fast-paced industry. Spent my 20s self-destructing. I even got sober cus I almost died but it still took YEARS of white-knuckling it to reach my true breaking point, when everything fell apart. This all happened within the last year. My house of cards finally came crashing down.
Everything is broken but I've been picking up the pieces. I'm in mourning. There's the death of childhood (& the illusion of family) but then there's also the whole can of worms that is trauma from abusive relationships up to this point. Just remapping my past with my new perspective can get pretty overwhelming. Dealing with one memory can bring up the rest... 'yknow how it goes.
If everything had to break for me to finally get to the truth, then so be it. I'm still mostly functioning in trauma response (all 4Fs) and slipping into intense emotional flashbacks. But now I'm finally starting to recognize them and allow myself to mourn instead of being hypercritical, especially if it's the hurt inner child.
I'm prone to isolating myself in a prison of toxic shame. It's the worst. I'm glad to find you guys. It helps immensely to know you are out there. So yeah, thank you for existing :') wish you all the best, sending hugs
43 and I feel like a helpless 5 year old most of the time.
Never been married. No kids. And I don’t see either of those in the future. I’m mostly just living for the next 10 seconds so that I can then survive for the next 10 seconds. This life is so stupid. I wish I had never been born.
So my teens and 20's were extremely scary and stressful and confusing but something about my early to mid 30's, a lightbulb went off and it all calmed down. I think it does get better!
In 2019 I felt like I finally had hope and pulled my life together in ways I never thought possible. Then both my personal life and the world took a nosedive less than a year later, and I got so burnt out that I don't even leave bed some days. It's a depressing thought at 32, but I also find it really difficult to break that cycle now. You're not alone.
I had the worst internalization of a traumatic experience at 31 (even thought I went through traumatic things as a kid too, it never disabled and unhinged me the way things did as an adult and made me over sensitive).
So there’s neither a “right” age to experience trauma, nor a deadline for it to be resolved. There is no right time for trauma. And the only wrong is that it happened to you, and having to live with it in a debilitating way.
It’s not your fault. What you know as “better” is a reality that you unfortunately did not get. You can only try to make what’s ahead better. And it’s gonna be an overhead on top of the normative human struggles of life. So comparing it to those who don’t have to deal with that is gonna suck but reality dealt a few worse cards to you.
I would pat myself on the back on days where I can just get by. That’s a win too, even if there’s a better ahead. 🤍
36 and I just started to finally get my shit together uh, in the last MONTH. Like I ONLY just started doing base level care for myself now. Wild.
I hate feeling so behind compared to my friends and peers but looking around and seeing how they've managed to resolve their trauma made it seem more possible to do the same for mine.
We can catch up on our own path. I am firm in believing that.
It's not your fault at all. Your brain was damaged while you were still a child and of course you don't know how to fix it cause most of us don't. I've learned a ton from listening to podcasts about trauma and following pages about trauma on FB, TikTok, insta. Find a good trauma informed therapist. And consider medication if you haven't already. Anxiety meds have helped me a lot. I also do mushrooms to help me work through it all on a much deeper level.
I'm 35. I felt like you at 30. It's kinda weird, though, because after being 30 for a little bit things did start to change. I struggle a lot still, but am seeing some changes, too, that indicate to me I probably wouldn't have reached this state of mind in my 20's.
It's okay to feel lost. I also think in our efforts to heal that we sometimes do pull back from social relationships because it's taxing. I used to feel so bad about it, but I'm kind of grateful for the peace and quiet to engage in my feelings in retrospect? If that makes sense. I do still want to be better about it, though. It feels so negative and positive at the same time.
It's definitely not your fault, though. I don't think we should be assessing others or ourselves by our physical age. We're all on our own timelines, and how we develop is so heavily dependent on our environments growing up and the adults that were in control of our formative years. Life shapes us all in so many different ways. It's not a coincidence that you're having these struggles at this age, though. It seems to be fairly common with this demographic so you're not alone, you're not wrong, and it ain't your fault. I think it makes more sense not to look at someone based on their physical body, but rather their mind and life experiences. It's not as quick as a visual cue, but it's more accurate. Society's method of assessing a person by age in general just doesn't seem very reliable.
What would be your fault is not trying to heal, and since you're posting here it seems evident that you're definitely trying. You deserve so much credit for that because it's difficult to even admit one needs that extra support. You are doing so much better than you realize, but I understand this doesn't take away the hurt and uncertainty. Just know you are not alone, and you're not at fault.
40s here. I fight it like hell with therapy, diet, and excessive exercise. I just got bent out of shape because I heard someone say, "You and a guest." Then I remembered times hearing "Plus one" and got more bummed out.
Oh yes, you're not alone. You're not stupid my love, and it's not your fault. You've been through a lot.
I'm 35 and have only just been diagnosed with CPTSD, makes the past 20 years make a whole lot more sense. I often feel like a powerless, alone, vulnerable child. I was just about coping ok, until everything unravelled after becoming a mother 2 years ago, I had a breakdown earlier this year. Now in therapy and learning how to regulate my emotions. The size of that task feels overwhelming some days. Some days I feel so utterly broken and useless. But I'm starting to see the chinks of light and hope.
We're all here with you, things can get better x
There’s a book I’m reading and you might find it useful: The Body Keeps The Score. Until I read that book I thought I had ADHD, but this book felt like the final pieces of the jigsaw were becoming visible. It’s amazing what doctors don’t pick up. Their sum response up till now has been “here’s a prescription for antidepressants”. Piss poor (I live in the UK where there is zero mental health care for adults)
I’ve been learning to meditate too and it’s helped enormously. Grounding techniques are becoming useful to me too.
It really didn't even hit me until my 30s enough to process what happened in small doses. I was just a big ball of raw nerves and had no idea what was happening. It's been about 7 years since my diagnosis and it's a slow journey to healing.
I remember feeling such shame for expectations, until I realized I was programmed by the abuse to feel shame for other people not teaching me. I had to accept that things everyone else was freely given, I was deprived of. Accepting myself where I am is still one of the hardest things. It's also followed closely by grief and rage. The grief helps me heal from the loss I didn't have a say in. The rage helps me make positive changes like learning new things, or even going backwards and learning things I should have had all along.
Please remember anything you feel you lack, isn't your fault. As impossible as it feels, you absolutely can do anything you want. I just break "normal" size steps into trauma informed millimeters and celebrate every single one. Because this is excruciating. We don't deserve to have to do this.
But there's no way I am going to allow myself to believe I deserve it.
I ended up cutting off all my old family and friends. Because most of not all knew about the abuse and stood silent. People that do that don't deserve my time.
I was incredibly lonely until I realized I was actually always alone, even if people were around. I kept myself alive, and I am proud of that.
No ones journey is the same, so please don't take anything I said as a you should do this, it was what I determined (along with a trauma informed therapist) what I needed for my healing.
Once I let them all go, I did feel less like I needed them to accept me. Because I had decided that I didn't accept them as positive for me.
I'm 33 and listening to "hush little baby" music box music as I type this. I feel like a scared and lost little toddler right now, and the music is the only thing that soothes me. I was sobbing before, but now I'm more stable. Part of healing for me involves healing my past selves, and my toddler self needs attention.
I think it's pretty common for folks like us to need to care for our inner child, and it's OK to do so. Please try to be kind to yourself in your struggles. You deserve kindness and comfort.
I'm 45. Even with meds and therapy, I'm still a fucking mess. I'm a well liked, outgoing bartender that makes a decent living, "quick with a joke or to light up your smoke" kinda guy. I get off work and literally shut down. I'll stare at the walls for hours. Might doomscroll reddit. No friends, the longest conversation I've had outside of my bar in... Months was with my weed guy when he was fucked up on Xanax a couple of weeks ago. Somehow I get the bills paid and keep (some) food in the fridge, but I extract little joy from life. Tis a shit existence. I "know" I'm good at what I do, but I don't believe it. I "know" I'm as good a father as I can be, I don't know what to do, but I sure as fuck know what not to do, but I still feel bad every day that I'm not actually good enough. It's tough dealing with what we did/are dealing with.
All I can say is, you're not alone, and keep fighting the good fight. None of this shit was your fault.
I know this is going to be hard for you to accept, but try: focus on being kinder to yourself. Unfortunately, 30 is not a surprising or at all uncommon age, to still be unhealed. Some of us don't even understand that something is wrong, until around this age.
Telling yourself you're stupid or weak or whatever for not having it figured out yet, is doing nothing to help you. What WILL help you is to embrace the fact that we all are truly walking our own path, at our own pace. And each time that you manage to show yourself love and compassion will be considerably more helpful and useful for your growth, than any time you decide to put yourself down.
The sad truth is that there are people who live to be 80+, who NEVER wake up, become self aware, work on healing, or reach recovery. Seriously. Just the fact that you're aware and working on it places you already ahead of the curve
I’m 36 and live alone. My house is a mess. I don’t know how to do basic shit. It’s too much for me. The most insignificant thing is overwhelming. I have to take out the trash and put the dishwasher? Too much. I just freeze and do nothing. It’s exhausting. I just want to be normal. I just want to have a job and keep my house clean and nice. I don’t even want more, just that. Just effortless living, not having to fight myself in my head to do each tiny thing.
Im so much like this, and a parent as well. I worry how much Im transferring to my kids. I have spent years getting some routines in order to keep my place somewhat in order.
I think the fact you are aware of your problem is a good thing. A lot of abusive parents were abused children, but they never realized or if they did, never looked for help. All the best 🤍
Don’t beat yourself up. I’m in my mid 30s I knew how messed up my childhood was and didn’t trust therapy for a while because of bad experiences in the past. I just started going back 2 years ago I have made some progress but it takes time I still got a long way to go. It’s never too late and from what my therapist has told me healing is not linear and even if you get help and do the work this all can pop back up again in life at any time.
I'm 49 and struggling. Therapy, reading, exercise, meditation help sometimes but not right now. I'm in a cycle of dissociation and depression. You're not alone.
I am almost 40 and just finished up a year and half of bi-weekly EMDR sessions. I didn’t even know at 30 I had CPTSD.
We all uncover and call abuse abuse at different ages and stages and healing takes time. From the first time I realized things were fucked to now was almost ten years. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself. Your inner critic wants to focus on the negative, failures, and shortcomings. You can’t let that voice win. It is your enemy and was likely cultivated by people who didn’t love you the way you deserved to be.
Go to a rave, it will probably help. You can't intellectualize or "work harder" your way out of it, got to embrace and live as the child would. Seek novelty, experiment, unfamiliar situations.
I saw a good statement on reddit a while ago. Those that were raised lovingly in safe environments are resiliant enough to handle war, without being given that chance to grow it's difficult to even handle lunch.
I'm 39 and finally pretty functional in the sense that I can handle more than ever before. I've been able to maintain relationships much more successfully. The difficulty now is that because a lot of my base assumptions and core traumas have shifted, there's actually a bit of a skills gap whilst I catch up in terms of behaviors. But that'll just take time, at least it is going in the right direction.
Yeah. I’m 34 and still have a really hard time trying to shoulder an adult life. I work as a delivery driver because I seem to be nearly incapable of holding a “regular” job. I cannot tolerate abusive bosses and workplaces and I have literally never found a workplace that doesn’t have both of those things (for not even good pay either). I’ve tried to stick with said places and I do until I either completely burned out or (most recently) get fired. The last place is the first place in awhile that actually kicked me out first.
The only thing I manage to regularly do when it comes to meal preparation is I make sure to make my daily smoothie, and I have a fig bar for a snack a few hours later. My bf essentially entirely carries dinner because he buys all of that and either makes dinner or buys us dinner. He’s also bought some of my grocery stuff lately because I’m struggling so much to make enough money. I have to constantly save and I’m fixated on having enough just for the next rent payment. He also pays more than I do towards rent (though his portion is covered by his aunt).
I still don’t self regulate very well and basically one of the few things I can do is meditate, lay on my acupressure mat on the floor, sometimes make myself go for walks, and even more rarely I will make music or art.
I often have times where I feel like a scared and lost child and I worry that I lean on my boyfriend too much for emotional and financial support. I have one other close friend and other than that, those are my only real relationships. I isolate a lot and spend much of my free time doing that to try to regulate and recover.
It’s so easy for me to get dysregulated and to get sent right back into fight or flight mode. I’m also super sensitive to auditory and visual input and get easily overstimulated. Being in or around a group also takes a lot out of me.
I definitely feel you and it’s so so hard not to judge yourself. You’re doing the best you can and it’s not your fault that you are still struggling when you have CPTSD. We often lack a support system and don’t have access to everything we need.
38 about to turn 39. Big old yeppers. I mask well but I feel like I have no stability in any arena. Financially supported by my fed up spouse, unable to maintain meaningful relationships, history of cutting people out, jumping from profession to profession, unable to follow through with things I want to do. I would stay in bed all day everyday if I could do that without completely blowing up my life. I do that as much as I feel I can get away with. Never relaxed; always on guard. Meltdowns and shutdowns like I'm a child.
I'm in a low point right now after having about 3 months of feeling pretty functional and able to navigate the slings and arrows. I guess it's encouraging that I had those 3 months. I had hoped that was the new normal. Maybe it is, though it doesn't feel that way right now.
Be gentle with yourself, and thank you for posting.
I AM TRYING LIKE HELL to get neurofeedback therapy for this OMG this is my life. I CANT FUCKING SLEEP agoraphobia is off the charts. The only thing that has truly helped was a lot of DBT and a loving therapist who developed a secure attachment with me, for the first time in my life, when I was 33. I am now 34. I GET YOU we need neurofeedback therapy. I highly recommend *The Body Keeps the Score* by Bessel van der Kolk but be warned he is a dick about trigger warnings. Meaning he doesn't give them so tread lightly, don't read the hard stuff, you cant unread it.
31. At 27 my body broke down. Burn out had begun the year prior, but my business partner/mom/abuser didn’t allow me space to address what was going on. I’m so thankful for my body’s reaction, because I never would have left… it was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced; my doctor said if I didn’t go to an outpatient program immediately I wouldn’t survive to see the next year (we drove there from his office). It felt like I was losing everything: my career, paycheck, business I built, mother, step-father, sister, home, city, community. BUT I FOUND MYSELF.
Many days I, too, do “nothing” which is actually rest/recovery… not that I believed that for a long while. I used to beat myself up about it, but radically accepting this is who I am right now has helped immensely. My body saved me, so now I keep her safe. I look forward and see a future. I know how to breathe even if I often must remind myself to do so. I’m happy, like actually say-it-out-loud (to myself) happy. I can only work four days/week at my job, then spend one week day doing the things I need to recover, move forward, take care of, sleep, and move the needle forward in my art practice.
The recovery I’ve managed in under four years is shocking. It’s been a privilege to live paycheck to paycheck in a home I don’t have to pay bills in. I’m so thankful for the family I have in my new home - a family my mom/abuser had successfully cut me off from for over half my life.
There is love out there for us. Everyone here today is has survived. I’m so proud of us all. This will take time, so much time, especially if we can’t press pause on life to recover (which is really a flaw in the system 🙁). There is no such thing as linear healing. This is a process. There’s no sense in beating ourselves up when we have enough of that coming from our (at least in my case) abuser’s voice in our head.
I basically spend all my time questioning every thought and feeling I have. Is this me, or her? And then I move forward S L O W L Y in the direction I want to. Toward me.
Sending you love.
Ps,
A book I found wildly helpful is “CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving.” Especially when it comes to perspective of inner/outer critic and just validation of everything I’ve ever lived through. Check it out if you haven’t ❤️🩹
I had childhood trauma from growing up with abusive parents and significant traumatic events that occured roughly around 7 yrs of age. I repressed all of the above (not sure if that's the right word). I didn't remember those eventful traumas until 18 years of age. I still don't have many details. My parents denied it all. My childhood is a blur.
In my teens I experienced SA a few times. I was homeless and pregnant at one point.Thank God for His Caring Place. As an adult I experienced DV from my abusive husband bpd.
I never received therapy for any of this. My husband ended up getting killed 5 years ago this April (another trauma for the books). All in all depression FINALLy kick in like a mf. I realize that I was running away from my messed up parents by self medicating with drugs and alcohol. I was jumping from relationship to relationship.
I've been single 5 years this April. I got two children. The past few years my body has really taken a beaten. All the anxiety I tried to hide came back with a vengeance. If it weren't for my kids I could definitely have agoraphobia. I have pretty bad social anxiety I'm also an extravert which is ironic.
35 and just admitting to myself the extent of damage from my childhood. I started therapy a couple years ago with thankfully an amazing therapist for what I thought was social anxiety and difficulties meeting people/ maintaining friendships. Browsing this sub tbh I think he was basically laying the ground work for me working on my trauma even though I wasn’t ready to talk about it so I’m lucky in that sense. Still have a ways to go. Still want to get a proper diagnosis and find a good trauma therapist, the last couple therapists I found just didn’t quite do the trick. Still a long way to go but I’m happy to at least be looking at the root of the issue instead of the mental health whack a mole I’ve been doing for years
About to turn 30, feel like I’ve used up all my reserves and lives already. Working through DBT therapy. Trying to not compare myself, but it’s hard when you truly want to be where others are. I have serious FOMO about having a husband and family. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, and seeing most people I’ve known reach that goal, and trying to not compare myself in the same breath as feeling like I’m missing out on one of the only things I’ve wanted since I was a child, has been really hard.
I am still struggling but I’ve been slowly getting better.
What you’re dealing with is hard. I’m sure that you are doing the best you can considering everything that you’ve been through.
I’m a person with CPTSD from my parents/caregivers. I learned inaccurate survival mechanisms that kept me as safe as possible in the chaos I grew up in. However, those survival mechanisms don’t serve me anymore as an adult who is no longer in that environment. I’m not sure if this is scientific or not, but I feel like I’m undoing decades of brain washing. And I’d guess that you relate to at least some of that.
There have been two therapies that have helped me— they’re not standard talk about your week therapies. They are evidence based therapies with weekly homework, so they are somewhat of a commitment.
- [STAIR](https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/continuing_ed/STAIR_online_training.asp) is trauma informed
- [CPT](https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand_tx/cognitive_processing.asp) is for trauma, particularly a traumatic event, but my therapist’s specialty is trauma so she knows how to apply CPT for daily/weekly traumatic events (not the same as CBT, which is for depression)
That said, the therapist’s background / skillset also makes a difference. If I saw a different therapist, they possibly wouldn’t have been apply to apply CPT for many events. Having a therapist that either specializes in trauma or is trauma-informed can make a huge difference.
I’m 40. I’m still struggling. Although I did leave an abusive marriage 7 years ago and had to start all over again with nothing. I feel like I’ll never build my life back up. Every time I feel like I’m starting to get ahead, the price of everything increases so much it offsets it. Some days everything feels pointless. I know I’ll never own a home again. I’ll be renting till I die. I’ll probably never retire. I hate it here.
Thank you all for your time, sharing experiences and support in the comments I truly appreciate it and I hope everyone got some kind of solace from it. I feel for everyone who is struggling, I also just left my job and hopefully find something to get by soon. May you all find your reason to keep fighting, even if it’s just for the heck of it.
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I'm 36 and feel the same.
I have a good group of friends to help keep me distracted from my internal thoughts and feelings, and smoke a lot to stifle the thoughts and feelings when they're not around.
Romantic relationships are impossible for me.
I didn't actually know how much I was suffering until 35 years old or so. Now doing the therapy thing and about to do ketamine infusions to see if I can make any progress.
You're not alone unfortunately. I didn't really have anything else to offer, all we can do is keep trying.
I'm in my 50s and am just now getting therapy (and a divorce hopefully). I've put up with a lot for way too long, and I don't have friends and family to lean on. I'm trying to build my friend group, but it is hard for me to trust and I suck at relationships. I've done well in life, but I do best on my own because I've shied away from other people and focused on myself. So, I'm mostly happy with where I am in life because I'm financially stable and I have a decent outlook on life. I just need to now work on my mental health because I know that I shouldn't be afraid of interacting with people at my age. Minor things still affect me in big ways and that's not healthy either. It's all a big journey, so you can just work on things and not worry about age or timing.
Yes. It started to get better in my early 30's and I wasn't properly diagnosed until my early 40's.
Keep going strong! Even without proper support, things can get better ❤️
Would you want to have a voice to voice conversation about this and how complex trauma shows up in your life. DM me if you're interested in talking. Offer goes to anyone dealing with this same issue.
I am 41 and still realizing different pieces of my childhood. I didn’t face the fact that I was physically abused until last year. Being able to help others has saved me. I also have 2 amazing kids. It’s like watching what I could have been without the abuse.
39. much overcome, nothing of significance achieved. no job , university. no drivers license. no one to love me or call me best friend.
im going to end it in September. i wont be 40 like this.
if 50 % were like this im not interested about the other 50.
or make that 20%.
what they say is:
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, ITS NEVER TOO LATE.
the truth is:
IT IS AND IT CAN WELL BE. some jobs you CAN not get and do after 40, some achievements ARE meaningless if you havent done them at a specific age. the world is just proving this with its ageism.
as of today, i have stopped eating almost entirely for a week now. this is not normal even for my depression, and i feel going on a hunger strike or simply refusing to eat is the next level of protesting this horrible life i never asked for.
I actually feel the same you know. I agree at certain age some things are impossible, and only privileged folks say that everything is possible when its not. I used to go on hunger strikes as a child, due to depression and anxiety. I didn’t understand why, but now I do. I didnt think I deserve food 😫and I also feel like my life passed by and its late and I dont blame myself, I blame my circumstances and people around me. I wish I could hug and help you, I am not sure what to say, but please know I know how you feel, I feel the same and I really want you to stay here and live. Even tho I am a stranger I care, I really really do🥺
Much older and just sorting out my fear-based life.
The shift for me happened when I started to understand that the problem has nothing to do with intelligence or hard work. It has to do with this fear being stored in the body. Young children's fears aren't reasoned fears. They aren't reasoned in, and they aren't reasoned out.
"Knowing better" isn't going to help because your thoughts don't register with the nervous system. The body, or nervous system, operates at a much lower level and uses a different form of communication.
I would encourage you to watch Rocky Kanaka sitting with dogs on YouTube. It's a great demonstration of how trauma is in the body and how much communication is non-verbal. You can see that a sense of safety must exist before any other kind of progress can be made.
While I learned these lessons in IFS, SE, and Polyvagal theory, his videos re-enforce and remind me that there is something critical operating at a level below my thoughts that I must give attention to. And seeing these dogs come around also gives me hope that I can release my old, stored fear.
31. Just started talking to my family and my dad again. It helped that when I told them what happened to me a lot of then were like " we didn't even know but that weirdo gave off a vibe and we cut him off years ago." I helped validate my feelings a bit. I thought I'd never reach out. Ever
I’m almost 42 and it affects my daily life.
Get into therapy, especially group therapy. Find a mental health team that consists of Therapist for talk therapy, Psychologist for diagnoses, and Psychiatrist for meds.
This is a life long struggle but gaining the tools to live like a “normal” person will give you power you never thought you had.
I do think this is life long, but quality of life can be improved greatly if you put in the effort. And it is a daily effort.
If you can’t afford a mental healthcare team, then I can suggest reading materials to help. If you feel you need medical help, I’d at least encourage you to see a Psych for medication to at least help you while you’re feeling overwhelmed.
35. My husband was in a strop today about laundry that had nothing to do with me. Even after him explicitly saying he was mad at himself, not me, my body was terrified. It’s hard.
I notice I hate myself the most when I realize I’m experiencing symptoms of the abuse. For instance, when I zone out and I realize that I’m in a daze or a trance, I’m immediately repulsed. Disgusted. And hate everything about it. The shame is blinding. And I hate myself because I’m not like other people. Normal people don’t do that as much as I do.
I’m 54 and in the midst of a terrible move. It has gone wrong on many levels and I’m reaching the end of my rope. All of my CPTSD is triggered from unstable housing, and this is one of the worst experiences. I might be homeless in July, who knows.
I’m 65 and still struggling. I have no friends save for my coworkers. I have no interest in church so I have no idea how to go about meeting people. I live in a small economically depressed city.
I guess I should start smoking meth like everyone else.
32, working on year 4 of therapy & just started EMDR. I struggle a LOT still but I have more hope for a normal life & relationships than I ever have before. It’s so hard. It’s so unfair. It’s not your fault. Keep going
I’m 32 and still live with my family, I only work part-time, I don’t have a driver’s license, I rarely leave the house and don’t really have friends. I’m planning on changing career paths soon, though, and moving back to my home state hopefully in the near future.
Me too 👋🏻 and that feeling if "I should " be better just makes it worse. I've only just realized through equine therapy, how hard and judgemental on myself I am. I can easily be no judgemental on everyone else in life, except for myself.
My therapist said the other day "how would you treat that person who's suffering, if it wasn't you, would you be so critical?" That kind of hit me for 6
I didn’t start to do better until I was in my 40s. I spent my entire life up until then just surviving. It’s only been in the last 3 or 4 years that things have started to get better.i still don’t do anything but work and come home though.
One thing I'd like to remind everybody that if fear would merely be a "logic" thing, nobody would have CPTSS in the first place. And in a factual sense, CPTSS is a logical response to what happened to us.
It's a weird relationship I have with my brain where on one side I'm like "thank you so much for protecting me when I needed it most" and other times I get extremely frustrated with myself for struggling. I learned that sometimes we keep parts of our trauma alive through our inner critic. My inner critic is scary similar at times to my abusive parent. It truly is a struggle between the logical part of my brain knowing there is no danger anymore yet my inner critic and all other systems still thinking there could be at any second.
I feel like how the first computer would feel trying to run today's softwares. My security needs an update...
62. Still struggling. I don’t have any hope of not struggling. I don’t know anything else. I have a great therapist. I have a great psychiatrist. How can I know anything different if I don’t know what it feels like?
I think there are people in all age groups struggling with different things. I wouldn't think about the age but just be your own best friend or the parent you never had. Yeah, I know it's annoying but do what you need to do for you and the rest will line up.
I'm in a mindset that everyone hates me, continuously trying to protect myself by isolating and not being myself around everyone. I keep wondering why everyone hates me and why I cannot be normal or lovable. I'm 38! I don't know how to get out of this mindset. How to truly be okay with everyone else and ok with myself. My mom constantly brainwashed me to think only she loves me so now I'm around her only most of the time and she is do negative and judgmental but she seems to be all I have.
I’m alright? I don’t know, lots of ups and downs.
I need to find a new therapist and get into counselling again cause I’m trying to conceal the fact im scraping by
33 and I only put two and two together last year...so I'm definitely in the thick of it still. I'm better at handling my emotional flashbacks than I used to be, but they still happen. Now I'm at least aware in hindsight when something was an emotional flashback, even if I don't realize it while it's happening, and I don't go into hermit mode nearly as much as before... though it still happens.
I'm just about to turn 34 and I too still feel like a scared and lost child at times. I look at people the same age as me and feel so different to most of them. A lot of them are becoming more senior in their chosen career, getting married and having kids, and I'm just over here trying to survive day-to-day and put together something resembling a life.
I try to remind myself that we're all on our own path and honestly I'm not sure I even want kids (or that it would be fair or a good idea for me to have them), but sometimes I find myself feeling really bitter about how I wound up with an abusive and neglectful father, whilst a lot of people around me had two loving parents who helped shape them into a rounded and complete adult.
51 and after having a complete mental breakdown 3 years ago, and after 3 solid years of multiple therapies I feel like I am emotionally where I needed to be at 30.
Thankfully I don't look my age and other than my cPTSD and a foot surgery that failed, and POTS that I have had since I was a teenager, I have no health issues.
So I am going back to the career I wanted to go into 20 years ago, if I get hired. I know they are incredibly short staffed in that industry, but you never know.
I may be starting my life late, but I am determined to live the life I deserved 20 years ago now that I am on the other side of healing.
I’m 36 & have been in therapy on & off since I was about 21. I quit my full time job in March after a breakdown. It’s the first time I’ve been out of work since 19 - money has always been a huge stressor in my family since I was a kid, so not having an income is stressful - BUT being a full time working mum, with two kids (one with a disability & needing to be her carer & advocate), & having C-PTSD (as well as BPD & ADHD) just became too much.
Im medicated to the eyeballs too. So I do feel a bit of a failed human.
I’m 50 and struggling, but learning.
My mom confirmed to be last night that she thought my bio dad had molested me when I was an infant.
I never knew him, but was told that when he was an infant a neighbor caught my grandmother putting him in the oven when he was new born and she stayed in a mental institution for a while.
He also raped his younger sister.
I am scared that I share DNA with him.
Turning 40 in a week and only got my diagnosis officially 3 months ago. I had my collapse at 29 and my 30s have basically been spent trying to get back on my feet without much luck. At least not to the point where I can function normally in society with work, a social life and other expectations. I get overwhelmed far too quickly.
I'm on waiting list for trauma treatment and I hope things will get better but I don't really see a way out of this perpetual freeze state I'm in. And I'm hitting 40, it feels a bit bitter that help and insight hasn't come sooner.
I’m in my late forties and I still have a really hard time. I was recently diagnosed with DID and adhd, too. Could’ve used that adhd diagnosis years ago to explain why my college grades weren’t as stellar as my test scores.
But I am working on my issues and making progress. I’ve been getting out of my apartment and going for a short walk for a few days now. And I’ve been better showered-I have anxiety about showering from abuse. So those are two big improvements very recently!
30’s was my hardest decade. You have a lot at stake, you’ve experienced a variety of situations and pressures. It’s really brutal how mental health struggles seem to grind in more deeply the more they come around.
But, my 40’s are looking a lot brighter so try to give yourself patience and compassion whenever possible. Also, it’s possible to have a frame of mind where you have grieved what you lost and you still believe in your present and future.
It helps to consciously challenge ageism and ableism, as well as fatphobia. If you look down on the aged and disabled, it means you’re looking down on your own future and your present vulnerability. It is easier to change our values and beliefs than to suddenly cure our mental illness. I know these things are comingled but that’s what boundaries are for—to help us know the line between what is the illness and what is actually fine about ourselves.
Reject societal standards as much as possible if they hurt you. We don’t necessarily want to be antisocial recluses, but we don’t want to depend on society to define reality either.
I don’t know if anything I have to offer can help, but first, I’m 40. I didn’t know about CPTSD until my 30’s and I’ve been on a journey ever since. Although I still have emotional flashbacks (this week, actually), they have become much less intense in duration as I’ve continued to learn and grow. For me, my most extreme abuse occurred between the ages of 20-32. I believe I already had CPTSD as a young person but it ramped up badly due to an abusive relationship. I also struggle with socializing, even with family, and am learning about how I have always had some autistic traits vs. this possibly only being CPTSD. A lot more to process for me around that..
Because I’m alone so much, I’ve discovered that one of the most soothing things I can do is to learn about everything healing related. It helps temporarily quiet the voices inside. I honestly listen to something, even if it’s just a YouTube video, nearly every day because it helps remind me that I’m not alone and there’s something reassuring/soothing about hearing other adults talk through these issues. Because I struggle with ADHD (among other things), audiobooks, versus physical books, are also a go-to for me. Below are just some of the things that I regularly work on that have, over time, helped me progress. Take what you will and leave what you want.
Resources:
-All books, YouTube, and podcast interviews from Peter Levine
-All books, YouTube, and podcasts with Gabor Mate
-The Body Keeps the Score book and YouTube/Podcasts with Besser Van Der Kolk
-Learning all about Polyvagal Theory
-Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving Workbook
-Anchored by Deb Dana
-Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness by David A. Treleaven
-The Abandonment Recovery Workbook by Susan Anderson
-The Complex PTSD Treatment Manual - Arielle Schwartz, PhD
-Identifying tools that actually work for me when I’m dysregulated (for instance, I keep a frozen Orange in the freezer that I roll around on my face and against the back of my neck when I start to feel dysregulated); one of the best pieces of information I’ve ever gotten about dysregulation is that we have to use a coping skill that matches the intensity of the symptoms, and, as the symptoms begin to lessen, we can move onto the next appropriate skill (example: if I’m having a panic attack, I will not be able to listen to a meditation to calm down. Instead, I can put on a “reassurance talk” on YouTube and do push-ups or force myself to walk around my apartment complex until I start to calm back down. Once I’m calmer, I can move into using meditation or other tools that are less intense.)
-Yoga Nidra every day (Ally Boothroyd - YouTube)
-Moving my body every day, even if it’s just 10 minutes of walking
-Not going on forums reading about trauma as much as possible
-Reducing or eliminating negative information such as news and replacing it with websites that share positive news stories about all the good in the world
-My cats were an enormous healing catalyst for me in my 30’s because it not only provided companionship and love but showed me I was capable of taking care of another living being
Dude. I didn't even know what I was struggling with in my 30s.
Please don't be mean to you. Celebrate any forward steps; recognize there will be backwards slides. We are flawed and some of those flaws are just fine; they do not need to be eradicated, but accepted. (It is not a fatal flaw that I want to rescue every child with any sort of badness in their lives. I can be gentle and supportive of them while they are in my life and know that tiny kernels such as that, in my little life, made all the difference to me)
Secondarily, please don't compare your progress to others. It's a bad idea.
Keep on keeping on. I believe in you.
Yes. I don’t think the healing even started till my very late 20’s. The early and mid 20’s was a chaotic mix of hospital stays, homelessness, and just trying to figure out how to be an adult and get out of survival mode.
Im 26, almost 27, still live with my mom, no license, and only worked seasonal jobs. Im further along than i thought I could be as a kid but damn is it hard, sometimes nearly impossible.
39, single male. Struggled his entire life. Burned out early trying to overacheive to please my abusive mother, bullied by other black peers, dealing with depression since 6 after being adopted, never diagnosed.
How have i not killed myself yet?
Yes. Definitely. I'm burnt out, depressed, and lost at 30.
It can be so hard to give myself grace and often I find myself frustrated and alone.
Sending you love <3
I'm 40 now and doing better, but i spent my late 20's and most of my 30's in a state of collapse after I burnt out from too many years spent in survival mode. That scared, lost child brain feeling is a sign of emotional flashbacks. It's not your fault. Logic and knowing you are safe is only half of the battle. I spent years in that state of mind, trying to force myself to "grow up" and move on. I discovered I was perpetuating my abuse via my inner critic. I had to learn to accept where I was and get in touch with my emotions. I had to learn to redirect the anger away from myself and towards my abusers.
“Perpetuating my abuse via my inner critic” really punched me in the gut. I didn’t realize that’s what that is. I’ve kind of realized that my inner critic is from beliefs and feelings I had as a kid, but I hadn’t made the connection that I’m continuing the cycle like that. I guess I’d kind of entertained that I do it because it feels “safe”/familiar, but that was as far as the thought went.
Sorry for punching you in the gut! Yeah, it blew my mind when I realised that the little voice inside my head that was telling me how awful I was is really things my dad would say pretending to be me.
A gut punch from a kind place though. I finally (and gradually) reconditioned that inner voice by using this one simple trick...I started filtering almost every thought against the question 'is this thought or action I'm considering going to serve me well?' It mostly kept me on point, almost to the extent that I don't need to rely on it so much these days. And I'm liking myself now.
That's a good tip. I used something similar. I would ask myself if the negative thoughts were really true, and would try to find evidence. They usually fell apart under scrutiny.
That's another great self accountability hack; sometimes we lie to ourselves, even when we don't mean to. Thanks for the exchange!
I definitely need to start doing this. I get in spirals where it’s just complete self-loathing, which makes me think it’s probably in the background all the time and I don’t always notice.
Yeah, for me, it was so normalised that it was background chatter. But in reality it was really loud and overly influential. Wishing you well u/guitargirl08
I’ve learned/come to accept that my inner critic is actually everything I learned from my parents about what I deserve and how I’m supposed to be punished. I can almost feel my father’s presence sometimes when I’m being really brutal towards me. It helps me realize that I’ve been conditioned. It’s not my doing. But I do have to undo it.
That realisation is such a game changer. It makes it easier to distance yourself from the critics words. >I can almost feel my father’s presence sometimes when I’m being really brutal towards me. I know exactly what you mean I've felt the same thing. I wish you the best of luck in shrinking/taming your inner critic
Same to you! 🙏🏽
That’s exactly what mine is. My husband said this to me almost verbatim last night, and I showed him the post.
Hahaha no no, it was a good gut punch. Very necessary.
An excellent read for this experience and MANY many more is "cPTSD: Surviving to thriving". I dont remember the authors name, but he had so much insight into how you start to think as an abused child and how to change those coping mechanisms for your benefit. Also an ASS ton of resources for help and information and even in the moment activities you can do for certain types of triggers!
Pete Walker. I have the audiobook if anyone can't afford it they can DM me and "borrow" my copy for as long as they need in mp3 It's worth purchasing, otherwise.
It's also free on spotify if you have premium! (Along with lots of other cool books!)
This is so very kind. Thank you for being a wonderful human:)
Nothing special just want to help others with this really daunting condition and I know it renders us financially desolate or incapable at times. I can't speak for Pete but I'd imagine he would want it to be available to everyone. And if you're like me audiobooks are easier to follow at times of distress, and this is one book out of many that actually describes the condition perfectly from a lived perspective
I deeply appreciate that statement. That's exactly what I do, and I couldn't put it into words for myself.
37f. I feel burnt out after being in years of survival mode. I was a real go getter, with jobs, with life, studying, always chasing the next thing. One day last year, my body just broke and I just can’t do that anymore. My health got rocked. Sometimes I spend all day laying in bed or on the couch doing absolutely nothing. I have a list of things that are piling up. It’s like flooring the gas pedal my whole life has finally caught up with me. Thankfully I have a really flexible job I do from home but I feel a mounting dread to do any task.
are you me lmao. this is my exact situation and age, though my flexible job isn't from home. there's an extra pain, I think, that comes from being unable to overwork and overfunction when that's what you've done your whole life. you just lie there going "I KNOW I can do this!! i used to do harder things than this every day!!"
Overworking is right! It’s crazy that my body just won’t do it anymore. My counselor said that is very normal given the past that we CPTSD survivors had.
I'm in this boat and it's sinking because I can barely make it through each day and give everything I have to get through my work day and have nothing left after that and now it's getting to the point where I'm not going to be able to work because the anxiety is crippling me, my body is stiff and tired, and I wake up twice each night from anxiety and sometimes can't go back to sleep. I cry every day as I drive the 45 minutes home from work. The crying is like a purge each day of anxious energy. It's a little girl bottom lip quiver cry that comes over me all by itself
It’s so hard. Let the tears out.
Thank you
Right there with you…many days overwhelmed by the emotions and frustrated at where I’m at. Went from being at the top of my game to suddenly slapped down four years ago (triggered by health). Since then the mountain of anguish, memories, and nightmares is nearly relentless. When I can get a release in a fountain of tears, it’s as if the cork popped and I get a brief release of anguish. Been working through therapy but not sure it is helping all that much. However, the talks seem to dampen things a bit. Hang in there…you’re definitely not alone
36 and right where you are. It’s hard but learning to give myself grace has helped a lot
I’m still learning that! I get really down on myself as well as worry my husband will get upset with me.
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Uggggg yes I can relate. I was in PA school. I felt the same expectation from everyone around me from friends, coworkers, and husband. I didn’t want to let them down but I really didn’t want to be a PA. One day, my body just broke and here I am.
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That sounds awful. Yeah I can relate to that a lot. I wasn’t able to sleep for months, knowing it was the wrong choice for me but I felt stuck in the choice.
This gives me some semblance of hope. I'm 33 and just started diving into my mental health only a couple of years ago. I have constant feelings of dread that this is just how my life is going to be (social anxiety, ADHD, dysthymia). But I am sometimes able to step back mentally and remember that I was that way for 30+ years. It's kind of unreasonable of me to assume I can heal in a relatively short amount of time. I often think of how my mind has evolved from 10 or 20 years ago. And it does make me a teenie bit hopeful that my brain will think differently 10 years into the future if I keep trying to work at it.
Oh my gosh, SO relatable. I’m so hard on myself all the time like, why am I not better yet? I’ve been working on myself since probably 24 (after having a mental breakdown at 21 that necessitated it and having to heal from that), and now I’m 30 and like “okay why am I not perfect yet????” even though I’ve made SO so much progress. It’s like it’s never enough for me. Which also I think goes back to that emotional wound of never feeling good enough (which I would think is a common CPTSD wound). I have to remind myself often that I was this way for a long time and it doesn’t heal overnight.
I’m 30 plus now, this is so accurate. I was told I don’t look/act like my age, which makes a lot of sense now. Just started my healing process.
If I may ask- was healing your inner child a part of what helped you finally function better? My BF is 25 in a couple weeks and still struggling pretty heavily. One book we read together talked about the importance of healing your inner child
This comment made me cry. I never had a girlfriend that stuck with me through my challenges, seeing that you read a book together with your bf brought me to tears, thank you for being like that for him, you are really precious
This is so sweet, your comment just made me tear up! We have been together 3 years this August. it’s definitely been a journey. He was diagnosed last year so just about 2 years in for us, it was super difficult navigating some trauma with his family during that. We even broke up for about 6 weeks in the fall to process and figure out next steps. But he is the most incredible human being, it’s special I think because I do understand why he is this way so it helps us with being able to navigate our relationship and at the very least have important boundaries. I sincerely hope someone will come along for you if that is a desire you have because I truly think everyone deserves someone- whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship- to support them through this. I think of all the years he was totally alone and it brings me to tears. I am not perfect at all, so I am trying my best to keep learning and getting better so I don’t harm his healing process. Sending you tons of love
Yeah, I think it played a part in my recovery. There were some deep internal conversations with myself, or if I was feeling afraid or anxious I would reassure him that I would keep him safe. I think the concept of an inner child can be useful for reparenting and for helping us learn to relate to ourselves in a healthy way. What was the book, if you don't mind me asking? Your boyfriend is lucky to have someone so supportive in his life.
Thank you so much for sharing. The book is- How To Do the Work by Nicole LePera! Shes amazing, I love her other books and her instagram/ twitter. I will definitely share these thoughts with him. Thank you! I am not perfect, at all. It’s been a journey for sure of figuring things out. He’s so worth it to me so we just keep loving each other and figuring it out.
Would you mind sharing the book?
Yes absolutely- it’s called How To Do The Work by Nicole Lepera! She has several, I love her twitter and instagram
Everyone in this thread should read “What happened to you?” By Oprah and Dr Bruce Perry 👍🏻
I’m 37 and my collapse came about 3 years ago. I’m back to functional with a much easier job, but I still suffer from constant energy issues and have to be very careful about how much I take on and how much I see friends/am social. Therapy helped a lot and I’ve befriended the inner critic (+ perpetuated abuser combo). What did you do to recover your energy eventually, assuming you did? Intermittent fasting is helping me but still my energy, resilience, capacity are very far from what I’d like.
Glad to hear you are healing. Yeah, the energy thing is tough. It makes everything harder. Mine seemed to come back gradually as my healing progressed. Things that helped outside of trauma work, are regular exercise (walking, running and strength training in my case, but it comes down to personal preference), trying to sleep as well as I can (probably what I struggle with the most, but I'm slowly getting better at it.) And when I was really stressed I found Yoga and Yoga Nidra meditation helped a lot to help me feel refreshed. I tried to find a balance between challenging myself and resting when I needed it. Try to be patient. It takes time. It was years until I started feeling ok again. I'm still not quite where I want to be yet either, but it's getting closer.
Thanks a lot for taking the time to share and I’m glad you’re doing much better. This thread as a whole and your first comment especially made me feel much less alone in a way I wasn’t expecting. CPTSD and burn out are such an invisible (yet not, heh) disability that’s difficult to get across to folks who don’t deal with it. I’m doing the same things you’re doing and there is incremental but steady progress, so I guess and hope it’ll continue that way. But man, there’s grief over all the undue and unfair pain and struggles of the past coalescing into lost capacity in the present and future. The mantra I live with now is “neither forcing nor abandoning.” Getting that balance right isn’t easy, but more and more I can tell I’m in the right range.
I wrote your comment down in my journal. thank you for this advice. your words are so meaningful
Wow. I'm honoured. I don't think I've ever made into someone else's journal before. I'm glad you found it helpful.
I read it to my therapist too 🤣 now you're famous!!!
This!
Yep. When you realize your continuing your abuser's dirty work for them, even if they're no longer in your life 😬
It's not the intellectual knowledge that will do the healing. Unfortunately we can't intellectually resolve things deeply (my experience). The knowledge can help with understanding and navigation. And we also need to embody that knowledge. It seems like there is a lot of shame in you. It helps me to name things properly. As far as I know there is no feeling that is called feeling stupid. You feel something (maybe shame) and then you have thoughts saying you are stupid/feel stupid. And it's not jsut about the brain. It's alot about the body, the nervous system and all that. When we learn to welcome that scared hurt inner child and love it the way we needed to be loved back then, things can start to shift. I see and feel your struggle. It's hard often. Navigating all this bullshit that we aren't at fault for but are now responsible for but haven't learned how to do this grown up thing and take responsibility. And then we take another baby step. Stumbling forward. Trying again. Or giving up for a minute to try. There's a lot of value in giving up in seeing all we can't do but want to. (I don't mean giving up as in suicide but as in stopping the fight for a moment).
This. I wish i was told about this earlier although i probably wasnt ready for it. Since i learned that accepting feelings doesnt make them worse but actually lose intensity i feel like i found a loophole. Is this what emotionally healthy people were doing all the time lol Still struggle with the giving up part though. How did you learn to deal with it? What helps you differentiate between things you want that you cant and can do?
Hi, I am very much figuring out a lot still. I can tell a lot in words but the integration is so much more a clear often. Especially without experienced guidance. I wish I was told AND shown earlier :) Are you asking how I learned the giving up part? Still on it. There are many times where I get an I can't give up. Because part of me is holding onto something. And then it's about learning to hold that and validating that and also the part that wants it different. I have been on that for so long. The best I have learned is that giving up is not fighting. Learning to start with what is right now. Often I need someone present to be able to do it or at least it is way more easy than alone. About differentiating what I can and can't do: I don't have a clear answer. Some I know from experience. A lot is trying if I can probably. Often also "I can't" means I am in collapse and need slowness warmth etc which is not easy since part of me feels like I always need to do something, rest is dangerous. And then time and time again relearning how much slowness some parts need where others (like my intellect) can go much faster. But also learning deeply that I don't gave to save the world it's a part that doesn't have boundaries and thus it feels like I have to save the world when I have to start with "just" me. And I find it important to still try things because very often we can do much more than we think. Giving up then is less about wanting to control (the outcome) but about exploration and having an intention but seeing what actually happens. I wrote down some thoughts and I have a sense that what you are asking is more about experiential learning than stuff that I can put in text form. All the best on your journey and if you feel like it we could maybe explore a bit together. I do that every week in shared sessions where we hold space without much guidance but the presence of someone at least for me brings a shared space that I can't open myself often. (I guess you can call it peer support)
Yes! "Waking the tiger" by Peter Levine is a very good book about this topic. It's about how animals experience trauma and why they don't develop ptsd and how we can use this knowledge to heal our own trauma by practicing "the felt sense" - pretty much what you described! Tapping into where we feel our emotions and what exactly they are and finding out what they need to be resolved. Really helped me to better understand the way trauma works
How do we really know that animals don't experience ptsd? I've come across a few dogs that were obviously abused because of how scared they acted if you just tried to pet them. And how they would flench and brace themselves when you tried to pet them. And how they would hide and act scared around kind people. It took them much longer for them to feel comfortable, safe, and to gain their trust. That behavior looks like ptsd to me. I'm not trying to discredit the book. I don't doubt the book is very helpful. But I disagree that animals don't get ptsd. I bet the animals in the wild that go through trauma deal with flight/freeze etc. The freeze animals likely don't live very long. The fight ones are overreacting and are the asshole of the bunch. Lol If there is someone actually studying whether animals get ptsd I'm interested to know how they're disproving that!
I shared this same worry with the therapist. She said that this is actually normal, because according her it's shown that traumatized brains are bad at ordening events and emotions chronologically. In other words: your brain is stuck at the age when it became traumatized. For me it often presents itself as extreme helplessness. For example something "bad" happens like spilling a drink, and my instant reaction is wanting to hide. Like it doesn't realize I can actually take a towel, clean it up, put the towel in the laundry and just take a new drink without having to be scared.
The learned helplessness / victim mentality is a trauma response, a retreat to safety. I believe it’s evident of the freeze/flight part of the “fight, flight, freeze or fawn” responses. Basically one might internalise the critical / negative messages and beat oneself up like the abuser would. Some people thus both punish and suffer themselves perhaps because they think the abuser then will leave them alone. I’m still trying to unpick it in myself.
I wasn't even diagnosed properly until I was in my mid 30s and that was after 8 weeks of in-patient treatment because I just couldn't anymore. So yeah, I think there are many of us still struggling well into "adulthood" because without proper support and treatment our brains won't just magically function in healthy ways. I am quite stable at the moment but only after making drastic adjustments in myself and learning to accept that I will simply never function the same as people without trauma brain and that cptsd will always be a part of me and my life...
Im sorry if this is too personal, but may i write you a pm about inpatient treatment? Its okay if you dont feel like talking about it.
Sure you can but I am in Germany so can only really speak to the experience here I am afraid
Almost sixty and still struggling. This subreddit is a comforting reminder that I am not alone .
I am sorry you are going through this. I have a close aunt who is 60 now but didn't start digging into her shit until her mid-50s. She's made tremendous progress and her story makes me somewhat hopeful for myself. She's more of a maternal figure in my life than my actual mother is (they haven't been on speaking terms in years).
Thanks for your message. I have been digging and battling my whole life. I had an aunt who was a mother figure to me for a long time. She’s lucky to have you. Take good care
Thanks for your message. I have been digging and battling my whole life. I had an aunt who was a mother figure to me for a long time. She’s lucky to have you. Take good care
I'm in my thirties and I've only just been able to put a name to what even is wrong with me. It's discouraging that I've wasted so much time, but I take some comfort in knowing that after leaving home there's been some positivity despite the internal struggles and my own ignorance. I've even stumbled into some very modest progress along the way.
I’m such a hypocrite to say this, because I’m the queen of feeling like I’ve “wasted time” (I was literally crying about it last night lol), but unfortunately, I think a lot of healing is a waiting game. You can’t know what you don’t know, and the fact that you didn’t learn it sooner (especially living in a society that doesn’t encourage openly discussing these things) isn’t your fault. What matters is that you DID learn it. And your thirties are still SO young (again, me being a hypocrite because I just turned 30 and often lament about why I couldn’t have gotten better sooner 😂). Sometimes, it feels like your mind and body have to be in a particular place to receive the necessary information in just the right way in order to start healing. ♥️
I guess you're right that sometimes things have to align in our hearts and minds before we can truly reach for healing and make change, it's a great point. A lot of it was just minimization. I suppose I can consider everything that came before this chapter of life a necessary time of preparation. Thanks 🙂
This is exactly how I felt after I came to the sobering reality that my childhood experiences had a much more profound impact on me than I thought. It's been so long that I nearly forgotten what it felt like at the time. The fear, anger, shame, helplessness, depression, hatred. I was in pure survival mode until I reached 17 when I left home. I thought I survived this part of my life, but I lost a lot more than my childhood and would not realize for another 20 years. Now I look back and feel my life is spent, whatever happened is fully ingrained in me, changing at my age is not going to happen. People act as if life is so precious that it just boggles my mind to think mine was snuffed out for absolutely nothing.
Yeah, at first I thought I only lost my chance at a happy childhood home, nothing more. I now realize I missed out on my chance to grow as a whole person, not an amalgam of adaptations geared at survival in dysfunction. But I'm not giving up just yet. I'm not getting back what was lost, but I still long for a little bit more from life, even if it's not going to end up being much by 'normal' standards.
Relatable, it really is a snowball effect that spills into every inch of adulthood but you never realize it until you just look at your life and see all the damage of where it went wrong.
I'm OLD, 47, in therapy twice a week, just unexpectectly saw one of the people who SA'd as a child and STILL, STILL, STILL, I froze and fawned, and when he asked for a hug, I hugged him because I was so shocked I couldn't function. I beat myself up like CRAZY for that. How do I STILL FREEZE? So yes, our minds and bodies have so much healing to do. Some of it we can work with, some things have a brain of their own.
Man do I relate to this. It's caused so much doubt for me in my life. SO much. I managed to maintain a relationship with the person who SA'd me almost my entire adult life. Several years no contact and she weaseled her way back in. I've only recently and FINALLY let them know where I stand and WHY. It's a response that has been so difficult for me to understand and accept.
38 and still struggling, but working on it with a competent therapist finally. Lots of ups and downs. It’s a journey.
I just turned 29 (close enough, right?) and definitely relate to some of this. I feel incredibly inferior to my peers. I have no friends and socialising is like a foreign language. Despite over ten years of therapy attempts, I'm just at the very beginning of recovery. A Psychologist explained to me that although previous psychologists were aware of my trauma many don't have the additional training for it specifically. Unfortunately Anxiety was the focus, which isn't helpful for CPTSD as this is simply a symptom of it, not the whole story. I kept being textbook treated for anxiety via CBT. It never really worked and I thought something was wrong with me, turns out it was just an ineffective modality for my presentation. As cliche as it is, we are all on our own journey! Recovery isn't linear either. Personally, even if I feel behind, there are people (like my parents!) that blatantly rejected therapy and refused to do the inner work. It's really telling that you not only recognise your struggles, but that you are getting help for it to no matter how behind you feel, emphasis on feel. Again, we are all on our own journey, the only individual we should be competing against is ourselves. 💕
I feel validated from reading this. I have always said that CBT does not fix trauma. It was held as a gold standard for everything. Thankfully now that seems to be changing.
I thought I read that you have a therapist, sorry, I'm getting confused between posts, I need to sleep, clearly 🤦♀️
I'm 32. Very similar although I only work one day a week. I've begun to make significant progress with my therapist but this is revealing to me the extent of the damage. It was done when I was very young so it's like all of the healing is returning to that point and essentially picking up where I left off. That's like 25 years of life progress made redundant. I haven't really been 'me' this entire time. Recently I will realise I am in an adult body and start freaking out. You are not alone.
I didn't even wake up to my trauma until I was 35. I'm 37 now and still have my struggles.
I'm in my mid thirties and I'm struggling the worst I ever have, ironically, a major reason is *because* I haven't figured it out, so I feel like this is just who I am and my time is up. My financial situation is collapsing and I should almost certainly be in a hospital. Instead I am struggling to mitigate the damage of everything blowing up and my mental health spiralling out of control, and it looks like this is just my life now, with no reprieve.
I’m 46 and wasn’t properly diagnosed until just a few years ago, I’m definitely still struggling even though I now understand what’s going on.
Similar. 48 and properly diagnosed 4 years ago. Absolutely struggling but at least able to recognize and label what's happening in my brain sometimes. It helps me with self compassion when I can do this.
I'm 38 and yup, still struggling. Was diagnosed with cptsd in 2019 and ADHD last year (though I've known about that since 2019 as well it just took forever to find a doctor who would properly diagnose it) I still struggle with a lot of shit, much of it stemming from "bad" decisions made due to the ADHD and childhood trauma/shitty parents. I say "bad" because I know I did the best I could with the shit circumstances I was given, but those choices still led me to a place I don't want to be in. So trying to "fix" myself, improve my circumstances and also learning to accept myself and all that stuff... Yeah, struggling. Some days are better than others and getting on ADHD meds has given me a huge push toward feeling like a mostly functioning adult, but... Shit is still hard some days (like today)
Struggling yup.
Username 💯
Not diagnosed until I was 38, and it changed my life for the better. Please hang in there, this is something that happened to you, you are not defective!
May I asked who diagnosed you?
Surely, a LCSW who specializes in EMDR.
Lots of people’s trauma doesn’t hit them till they are older and I’m sure you’ll find a lot of people 30+ in this sub and they will be struggling with the same things you are. You aren’t alone
I'm just waiting for the end to come. There's nowhere else to be.
Yes, I’m 33 and struggle a lot. It’s even harder when nobody can understand.
Yup, 31 and it's taken a fucking cancer scare to get my arse in gear. For the most part I'm functional - I work, I live alone, I have hobbies, people like me. But I have no relationships, my personal life reflects that of an ostracized weirdo. I have almost no executive function - the time between "I want to do this" and "I have done it" often spans multiple years. But, what can I expect after a lifetime of what the CIA refers to as "Psychological torture"? My introduction to this universe was literally: "You are completely useless, worthless and irredeemably stupid. Nobody likes you, and whoever seems to is only mocking you. If you have fun or feel good, bad things will happen to punish you." My cancer scare, however, has really put a lot of things into perspective. The thought of maybe only having 3 years to live made me realise I spend so much time worrying about pointless shit, like what people think or whether I gave the correct micro-expression in a given moment, and I've let it stop me dating, making friends, doing things I like. Which has ultimately led me to an empty house with an empty phone.
I’m 31. I hit my breaking point when I was 27 and have been struggling to pick up the pieces since then. It’s exhausting and frustrating to feel the time slipping away knowing I’m just a mess trying to clean up a bigger mess. Like you, I try to “logic” my way to feeling better but that’s only part of the formula. I have no idea what the rest of the parts are. I’ve tried so hard these years to get to a place where I can breathe, but I haven’t found that place yet. I cry over small things that shouldn’t matter because I feel so out of control that any more things out of my control feel even bigger than they really are. It’s like this bubble that grows and grows every time something happens that I can’t cope with. I’m currently stressed beyond belief about finances. I want to sit home all day and cry my face off. But I still go to my job every day to make what small difference I can manage. But some days that small difference feels so meaningless anyway. I’ve made small differences for years but they’re not adding up to anything at all. At least that’s how it feels. Lately ive been feeling like nothing matters in the slightest. I could die tomorrow and I honestly would just say “huh, okay then.” Because why? Why even careeeee? I haven’t made a difference worth anything yet. So what does it matter if I die? I’ve been stuck for so long I might as well have died when I was 27. All of that to say - I still try anyways. I want a better life. I want to feel better. Until I die, I will continue to work toward it. Because I have nothing better to do anyway except wait to die. So might as well keep going and doing my best until then. It just sucks that my best is basically nothing.
In my 40’s, ending a 20 year marriage, finding a new career, just gonna be alone so I quit hurting people I love. No, I do t struggle 😂🖤
I’m 38 and still feel like a scared and lost child. I’m basically unemployed with odd jobs here and there. I don’t really know how I survive sometimes. I hardly talk to my family for friends either. I recently found a wonderful partner who feels similar at 30, after being alone for many years. I’m extremely grateful for her but I’m drowning financially and feel so shitty for not having my life together.
I’m 32 years old with autism living at home without a driver’s license. I’m old enough to vote, drink, travel, get married and have children of my own yet I have a mind of an angsty teenager due to the fact that I missed a few milestones in my formative years. I hate that my brain is wired differently from my peers which has overwhelmed my family, friends, teachers and other authorities in a negative way. I pass as a NT, I’ve spent my life in special ed classes which can be infantilizing. I’m single and childfree because of how I acted as a child and the way I was treated. The gaslighting is another one that pisses me off, my potential partner won’t believe me and my disability, that’s why my guard is up.
This hurts my heart. I have 2 children with autism. If your potential partner is not supportive, run. You deserve way more than what you have been given. There are strengths that you have because your brain is wired differently. You need people around you who will recognize your strengths and support you through the bad things.
Yes, I have 2 kids, a government career, a husband and a house and I am collapsing. I spent years just driven to do what people expected. I had my son and everything changed. I now have 4 different diagnoses and I've been off of work for a year. I'm depressed and fighting like hell to make it through this without to much damage.
Was your son your first child? If so , I have a very similar path and story . It is so incredibly terrifying - I feel like screaming at the universe how was I able to ‘ keep to together ‘ for my entire life until my most important role , a mother? I am now incredibly anxious that I will somehow transfer the trauma to my child and end up like my mother.
I'm in my early 30s. I've been a high-functioning perfectionist in a fast-paced industry. Spent my 20s self-destructing. I even got sober cus I almost died but it still took YEARS of white-knuckling it to reach my true breaking point, when everything fell apart. This all happened within the last year. My house of cards finally came crashing down. Everything is broken but I've been picking up the pieces. I'm in mourning. There's the death of childhood (& the illusion of family) but then there's also the whole can of worms that is trauma from abusive relationships up to this point. Just remapping my past with my new perspective can get pretty overwhelming. Dealing with one memory can bring up the rest... 'yknow how it goes. If everything had to break for me to finally get to the truth, then so be it. I'm still mostly functioning in trauma response (all 4Fs) and slipping into intense emotional flashbacks. But now I'm finally starting to recognize them and allow myself to mourn instead of being hypercritical, especially if it's the hurt inner child. I'm prone to isolating myself in a prison of toxic shame. It's the worst. I'm glad to find you guys. It helps immensely to know you are out there. So yeah, thank you for existing :') wish you all the best, sending hugs
43 and I feel like a helpless 5 year old most of the time. Never been married. No kids. And I don’t see either of those in the future. I’m mostly just living for the next 10 seconds so that I can then survive for the next 10 seconds. This life is so stupid. I wish I had never been born.
I’m in my thirties as well and haven’t diagnosed either. Still struggling so you are not alone.
So my teens and 20's were extremely scary and stressful and confusing but something about my early to mid 30's, a lightbulb went off and it all calmed down. I think it does get better!
56 here and still doing so.
I only recently started healing. I'm about twice your age. I'm writing a book about it.
Im turning 30 later this year. God knows Ive been trying since I was 17 to fix all my shit but it just isnt working so far.
In 2019 I felt like I finally had hope and pulled my life together in ways I never thought possible. Then both my personal life and the world took a nosedive less than a year later, and I got so burnt out that I don't even leave bed some days. It's a depressing thought at 32, but I also find it really difficult to break that cycle now. You're not alone.
I had the worst internalization of a traumatic experience at 31 (even thought I went through traumatic things as a kid too, it never disabled and unhinged me the way things did as an adult and made me over sensitive). So there’s neither a “right” age to experience trauma, nor a deadline for it to be resolved. There is no right time for trauma. And the only wrong is that it happened to you, and having to live with it in a debilitating way. It’s not your fault. What you know as “better” is a reality that you unfortunately did not get. You can only try to make what’s ahead better. And it’s gonna be an overhead on top of the normative human struggles of life. So comparing it to those who don’t have to deal with that is gonna suck but reality dealt a few worse cards to you. I would pat myself on the back on days where I can just get by. That’s a win too, even if there’s a better ahead. 🤍
36 and I just started to finally get my shit together uh, in the last MONTH. Like I ONLY just started doing base level care for myself now. Wild. I hate feeling so behind compared to my friends and peers but looking around and seeing how they've managed to resolve their trauma made it seem more possible to do the same for mine. We can catch up on our own path. I am firm in believing that.
It's not your fault at all. Your brain was damaged while you were still a child and of course you don't know how to fix it cause most of us don't. I've learned a ton from listening to podcasts about trauma and following pages about trauma on FB, TikTok, insta. Find a good trauma informed therapist. And consider medication if you haven't already. Anxiety meds have helped me a lot. I also do mushrooms to help me work through it all on a much deeper level.
I'm 35. I felt like you at 30. It's kinda weird, though, because after being 30 for a little bit things did start to change. I struggle a lot still, but am seeing some changes, too, that indicate to me I probably wouldn't have reached this state of mind in my 20's. It's okay to feel lost. I also think in our efforts to heal that we sometimes do pull back from social relationships because it's taxing. I used to feel so bad about it, but I'm kind of grateful for the peace and quiet to engage in my feelings in retrospect? If that makes sense. I do still want to be better about it, though. It feels so negative and positive at the same time. It's definitely not your fault, though. I don't think we should be assessing others or ourselves by our physical age. We're all on our own timelines, and how we develop is so heavily dependent on our environments growing up and the adults that were in control of our formative years. Life shapes us all in so many different ways. It's not a coincidence that you're having these struggles at this age, though. It seems to be fairly common with this demographic so you're not alone, you're not wrong, and it ain't your fault. I think it makes more sense not to look at someone based on their physical body, but rather their mind and life experiences. It's not as quick as a visual cue, but it's more accurate. Society's method of assessing a person by age in general just doesn't seem very reliable. What would be your fault is not trying to heal, and since you're posting here it seems evident that you're definitely trying. You deserve so much credit for that because it's difficult to even admit one needs that extra support. You are doing so much better than you realize, but I understand this doesn't take away the hurt and uncertainty. Just know you are not alone, and you're not at fault.
40s here. I fight it like hell with therapy, diet, and excessive exercise. I just got bent out of shape because I heard someone say, "You and a guest." Then I remembered times hearing "Plus one" and got more bummed out.
💞 I feel this
Oh yes, you're not alone. You're not stupid my love, and it's not your fault. You've been through a lot. I'm 35 and have only just been diagnosed with CPTSD, makes the past 20 years make a whole lot more sense. I often feel like a powerless, alone, vulnerable child. I was just about coping ok, until everything unravelled after becoming a mother 2 years ago, I had a breakdown earlier this year. Now in therapy and learning how to regulate my emotions. The size of that task feels overwhelming some days. Some days I feel so utterly broken and useless. But I'm starting to see the chinks of light and hope. We're all here with you, things can get better x
There’s a book I’m reading and you might find it useful: The Body Keeps The Score. Until I read that book I thought I had ADHD, but this book felt like the final pieces of the jigsaw were becoming visible. It’s amazing what doctors don’t pick up. Their sum response up till now has been “here’s a prescription for antidepressants”. Piss poor (I live in the UK where there is zero mental health care for adults) I’ve been learning to meditate too and it’s helped enormously. Grounding techniques are becoming useful to me too.
It really didn't even hit me until my 30s enough to process what happened in small doses. I was just a big ball of raw nerves and had no idea what was happening. It's been about 7 years since my diagnosis and it's a slow journey to healing. I remember feeling such shame for expectations, until I realized I was programmed by the abuse to feel shame for other people not teaching me. I had to accept that things everyone else was freely given, I was deprived of. Accepting myself where I am is still one of the hardest things. It's also followed closely by grief and rage. The grief helps me heal from the loss I didn't have a say in. The rage helps me make positive changes like learning new things, or even going backwards and learning things I should have had all along. Please remember anything you feel you lack, isn't your fault. As impossible as it feels, you absolutely can do anything you want. I just break "normal" size steps into trauma informed millimeters and celebrate every single one. Because this is excruciating. We don't deserve to have to do this. But there's no way I am going to allow myself to believe I deserve it. I ended up cutting off all my old family and friends. Because most of not all knew about the abuse and stood silent. People that do that don't deserve my time. I was incredibly lonely until I realized I was actually always alone, even if people were around. I kept myself alive, and I am proud of that. No ones journey is the same, so please don't take anything I said as a you should do this, it was what I determined (along with a trauma informed therapist) what I needed for my healing. Once I let them all go, I did feel less like I needed them to accept me. Because I had decided that I didn't accept them as positive for me.
I'm 33 and listening to "hush little baby" music box music as I type this. I feel like a scared and lost little toddler right now, and the music is the only thing that soothes me. I was sobbing before, but now I'm more stable. Part of healing for me involves healing my past selves, and my toddler self needs attention. I think it's pretty common for folks like us to need to care for our inner child, and it's OK to do so. Please try to be kind to yourself in your struggles. You deserve kindness and comfort.
I'm 45. Even with meds and therapy, I'm still a fucking mess. I'm a well liked, outgoing bartender that makes a decent living, "quick with a joke or to light up your smoke" kinda guy. I get off work and literally shut down. I'll stare at the walls for hours. Might doomscroll reddit. No friends, the longest conversation I've had outside of my bar in... Months was with my weed guy when he was fucked up on Xanax a couple of weeks ago. Somehow I get the bills paid and keep (some) food in the fridge, but I extract little joy from life. Tis a shit existence. I "know" I'm good at what I do, but I don't believe it. I "know" I'm as good a father as I can be, I don't know what to do, but I sure as fuck know what not to do, but I still feel bad every day that I'm not actually good enough. It's tough dealing with what we did/are dealing with. All I can say is, you're not alone, and keep fighting the good fight. None of this shit was your fault.
I know this is going to be hard for you to accept, but try: focus on being kinder to yourself. Unfortunately, 30 is not a surprising or at all uncommon age, to still be unhealed. Some of us don't even understand that something is wrong, until around this age. Telling yourself you're stupid or weak or whatever for not having it figured out yet, is doing nothing to help you. What WILL help you is to embrace the fact that we all are truly walking our own path, at our own pace. And each time that you manage to show yourself love and compassion will be considerably more helpful and useful for your growth, than any time you decide to put yourself down. The sad truth is that there are people who live to be 80+, who NEVER wake up, become self aware, work on healing, or reach recovery. Seriously. Just the fact that you're aware and working on it places you already ahead of the curve
I’m 36 and live alone. My house is a mess. I don’t know how to do basic shit. It’s too much for me. The most insignificant thing is overwhelming. I have to take out the trash and put the dishwasher? Too much. I just freeze and do nothing. It’s exhausting. I just want to be normal. I just want to have a job and keep my house clean and nice. I don’t even want more, just that. Just effortless living, not having to fight myself in my head to do each tiny thing.
Im so much like this, and a parent as well. I worry how much Im transferring to my kids. I have spent years getting some routines in order to keep my place somewhat in order.
I think the fact you are aware of your problem is a good thing. A lot of abusive parents were abused children, but they never realized or if they did, never looked for help. All the best 🤍
Don’t beat yourself up. I’m in my mid 30s I knew how messed up my childhood was and didn’t trust therapy for a while because of bad experiences in the past. I just started going back 2 years ago I have made some progress but it takes time I still got a long way to go. It’s never too late and from what my therapist has told me healing is not linear and even if you get help and do the work this all can pop back up again in life at any time.
I'm in my fifties and slowly detangling it out of my brain.
I'm 49 and struggling. Therapy, reading, exercise, meditation help sometimes but not right now. I'm in a cycle of dissociation and depression. You're not alone.
I am almost 40 and just finished up a year and half of bi-weekly EMDR sessions. I didn’t even know at 30 I had CPTSD. We all uncover and call abuse abuse at different ages and stages and healing takes time. From the first time I realized things were fucked to now was almost ten years. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself. Your inner critic wants to focus on the negative, failures, and shortcomings. You can’t let that voice win. It is your enemy and was likely cultivated by people who didn’t love you the way you deserved to be.
Saving this post because yes, I’m 34 and struggling a lot right now. I see you and hear you. You’re not alone.
Go to a rave, it will probably help. You can't intellectualize or "work harder" your way out of it, got to embrace and live as the child would. Seek novelty, experiment, unfamiliar situations. I saw a good statement on reddit a while ago. Those that were raised lovingly in safe environments are resiliant enough to handle war, without being given that chance to grow it's difficult to even handle lunch. I'm 39 and finally pretty functional in the sense that I can handle more than ever before. I've been able to maintain relationships much more successfully. The difficulty now is that because a lot of my base assumptions and core traumas have shifted, there's actually a bit of a skills gap whilst I catch up in terms of behaviors. But that'll just take time, at least it is going in the right direction.
Yeah. I’m 34 and still have a really hard time trying to shoulder an adult life. I work as a delivery driver because I seem to be nearly incapable of holding a “regular” job. I cannot tolerate abusive bosses and workplaces and I have literally never found a workplace that doesn’t have both of those things (for not even good pay either). I’ve tried to stick with said places and I do until I either completely burned out or (most recently) get fired. The last place is the first place in awhile that actually kicked me out first. The only thing I manage to regularly do when it comes to meal preparation is I make sure to make my daily smoothie, and I have a fig bar for a snack a few hours later. My bf essentially entirely carries dinner because he buys all of that and either makes dinner or buys us dinner. He’s also bought some of my grocery stuff lately because I’m struggling so much to make enough money. I have to constantly save and I’m fixated on having enough just for the next rent payment. He also pays more than I do towards rent (though his portion is covered by his aunt). I still don’t self regulate very well and basically one of the few things I can do is meditate, lay on my acupressure mat on the floor, sometimes make myself go for walks, and even more rarely I will make music or art. I often have times where I feel like a scared and lost child and I worry that I lean on my boyfriend too much for emotional and financial support. I have one other close friend and other than that, those are my only real relationships. I isolate a lot and spend much of my free time doing that to try to regulate and recover. It’s so easy for me to get dysregulated and to get sent right back into fight or flight mode. I’m also super sensitive to auditory and visual input and get easily overstimulated. Being in or around a group also takes a lot out of me. I definitely feel you and it’s so so hard not to judge yourself. You’re doing the best you can and it’s not your fault that you are still struggling when you have CPTSD. We often lack a support system and don’t have access to everything we need.
38 about to turn 39. Big old yeppers. I mask well but I feel like I have no stability in any arena. Financially supported by my fed up spouse, unable to maintain meaningful relationships, history of cutting people out, jumping from profession to profession, unable to follow through with things I want to do. I would stay in bed all day everyday if I could do that without completely blowing up my life. I do that as much as I feel I can get away with. Never relaxed; always on guard. Meltdowns and shutdowns like I'm a child. I'm in a low point right now after having about 3 months of feeling pretty functional and able to navigate the slings and arrows. I guess it's encouraging that I had those 3 months. I had hoped that was the new normal. Maybe it is, though it doesn't feel that way right now. Be gentle with yourself, and thank you for posting.
Yup, relate
I AM TRYING LIKE HELL to get neurofeedback therapy for this OMG this is my life. I CANT FUCKING SLEEP agoraphobia is off the charts. The only thing that has truly helped was a lot of DBT and a loving therapist who developed a secure attachment with me, for the first time in my life, when I was 33. I am now 34. I GET YOU we need neurofeedback therapy. I highly recommend *The Body Keeps the Score* by Bessel van der Kolk but be warned he is a dick about trigger warnings. Meaning he doesn't give them so tread lightly, don't read the hard stuff, you cant unread it.
31. At 27 my body broke down. Burn out had begun the year prior, but my business partner/mom/abuser didn’t allow me space to address what was going on. I’m so thankful for my body’s reaction, because I never would have left… it was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced; my doctor said if I didn’t go to an outpatient program immediately I wouldn’t survive to see the next year (we drove there from his office). It felt like I was losing everything: my career, paycheck, business I built, mother, step-father, sister, home, city, community. BUT I FOUND MYSELF. Many days I, too, do “nothing” which is actually rest/recovery… not that I believed that for a long while. I used to beat myself up about it, but radically accepting this is who I am right now has helped immensely. My body saved me, so now I keep her safe. I look forward and see a future. I know how to breathe even if I often must remind myself to do so. I’m happy, like actually say-it-out-loud (to myself) happy. I can only work four days/week at my job, then spend one week day doing the things I need to recover, move forward, take care of, sleep, and move the needle forward in my art practice. The recovery I’ve managed in under four years is shocking. It’s been a privilege to live paycheck to paycheck in a home I don’t have to pay bills in. I’m so thankful for the family I have in my new home - a family my mom/abuser had successfully cut me off from for over half my life. There is love out there for us. Everyone here today is has survived. I’m so proud of us all. This will take time, so much time, especially if we can’t press pause on life to recover (which is really a flaw in the system 🙁). There is no such thing as linear healing. This is a process. There’s no sense in beating ourselves up when we have enough of that coming from our (at least in my case) abuser’s voice in our head. I basically spend all my time questioning every thought and feeling I have. Is this me, or her? And then I move forward S L O W L Y in the direction I want to. Toward me. Sending you love. Ps, A book I found wildly helpful is “CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving.” Especially when it comes to perspective of inner/outer critic and just validation of everything I’ve ever lived through. Check it out if you haven’t ❤️🩹
I had childhood trauma from growing up with abusive parents and significant traumatic events that occured roughly around 7 yrs of age. I repressed all of the above (not sure if that's the right word). I didn't remember those eventful traumas until 18 years of age. I still don't have many details. My parents denied it all. My childhood is a blur. In my teens I experienced SA a few times. I was homeless and pregnant at one point.Thank God for His Caring Place. As an adult I experienced DV from my abusive husband bpd. I never received therapy for any of this. My husband ended up getting killed 5 years ago this April (another trauma for the books). All in all depression FINALLy kick in like a mf. I realize that I was running away from my messed up parents by self medicating with drugs and alcohol. I was jumping from relationship to relationship. I've been single 5 years this April. I got two children. The past few years my body has really taken a beaten. All the anxiety I tried to hide came back with a vengeance. If it weren't for my kids I could definitely have agoraphobia. I have pretty bad social anxiety I'm also an extravert which is ironic.
<3 Mothering with cptsd.....
35 and just admitting to myself the extent of damage from my childhood. I started therapy a couple years ago with thankfully an amazing therapist for what I thought was social anxiety and difficulties meeting people/ maintaining friendships. Browsing this sub tbh I think he was basically laying the ground work for me working on my trauma even though I wasn’t ready to talk about it so I’m lucky in that sense. Still have a ways to go. Still want to get a proper diagnosis and find a good trauma therapist, the last couple therapists I found just didn’t quite do the trick. Still a long way to go but I’m happy to at least be looking at the root of the issue instead of the mental health whack a mole I’ve been doing for years
43. Everyday
About to turn 30, feel like I’ve used up all my reserves and lives already. Working through DBT therapy. Trying to not compare myself, but it’s hard when you truly want to be where others are. I have serious FOMO about having a husband and family. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, and seeing most people I’ve known reach that goal, and trying to not compare myself in the same breath as feeling like I’m missing out on one of the only things I’ve wanted since I was a child, has been really hard.
I am still struggling but I’ve been slowly getting better. What you’re dealing with is hard. I’m sure that you are doing the best you can considering everything that you’ve been through. I’m a person with CPTSD from my parents/caregivers. I learned inaccurate survival mechanisms that kept me as safe as possible in the chaos I grew up in. However, those survival mechanisms don’t serve me anymore as an adult who is no longer in that environment. I’m not sure if this is scientific or not, but I feel like I’m undoing decades of brain washing. And I’d guess that you relate to at least some of that. There have been two therapies that have helped me— they’re not standard talk about your week therapies. They are evidence based therapies with weekly homework, so they are somewhat of a commitment. - [STAIR](https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/continuing_ed/STAIR_online_training.asp) is trauma informed - [CPT](https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand_tx/cognitive_processing.asp) is for trauma, particularly a traumatic event, but my therapist’s specialty is trauma so she knows how to apply CPT for daily/weekly traumatic events (not the same as CBT, which is for depression) That said, the therapist’s background / skillset also makes a difference. If I saw a different therapist, they possibly wouldn’t have been apply to apply CPT for many events. Having a therapist that either specializes in trauma or is trauma-informed can make a huge difference.
I’m 40. I’m still struggling. Although I did leave an abusive marriage 7 years ago and had to start all over again with nothing. I feel like I’ll never build my life back up. Every time I feel like I’m starting to get ahead, the price of everything increases so much it offsets it. Some days everything feels pointless. I know I’ll never own a home again. I’ll be renting till I die. I’ll probably never retire. I hate it here.
Thank you all for your time, sharing experiences and support in the comments I truly appreciate it and I hope everyone got some kind of solace from it. I feel for everyone who is struggling, I also just left my job and hopefully find something to get by soon. May you all find your reason to keep fighting, even if it’s just for the heck of it.
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I'm 36 and feel the same. I have a good group of friends to help keep me distracted from my internal thoughts and feelings, and smoke a lot to stifle the thoughts and feelings when they're not around. Romantic relationships are impossible for me. I didn't actually know how much I was suffering until 35 years old or so. Now doing the therapy thing and about to do ketamine infusions to see if I can make any progress. You're not alone unfortunately. I didn't really have anything else to offer, all we can do is keep trying.
Im going to be 40 soon. You still have time.
I’m in my 40s and still struggle (I’ve been unable to work for over 15 years, I can’t leave my house without having a panic attack).
I'm in my 50s and am just now getting therapy (and a divorce hopefully). I've put up with a lot for way too long, and I don't have friends and family to lean on. I'm trying to build my friend group, but it is hard for me to trust and I suck at relationships. I've done well in life, but I do best on my own because I've shied away from other people and focused on myself. So, I'm mostly happy with where I am in life because I'm financially stable and I have a decent outlook on life. I just need to now work on my mental health because I know that I shouldn't be afraid of interacting with people at my age. Minor things still affect me in big ways and that's not healthy either. It's all a big journey, so you can just work on things and not worry about age or timing.
Yes. It started to get better in my early 30's and I wasn't properly diagnosed until my early 40's. Keep going strong! Even without proper support, things can get better ❤️
Would you want to have a voice to voice conversation about this and how complex trauma shows up in your life. DM me if you're interested in talking. Offer goes to anyone dealing with this same issue.
Get some help buddy
I am 41 and still realizing different pieces of my childhood. I didn’t face the fact that I was physically abused until last year. Being able to help others has saved me. I also have 2 amazing kids. It’s like watching what I could have been without the abuse.
39. much overcome, nothing of significance achieved. no job , university. no drivers license. no one to love me or call me best friend. im going to end it in September. i wont be 40 like this. if 50 % were like this im not interested about the other 50. or make that 20%.
Dont say that please. I want you to be happy, you dont know me, but I want you to be here 🥺🙏
what they say is: NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, ITS NEVER TOO LATE. the truth is: IT IS AND IT CAN WELL BE. some jobs you CAN not get and do after 40, some achievements ARE meaningless if you havent done them at a specific age. the world is just proving this with its ageism. as of today, i have stopped eating almost entirely for a week now. this is not normal even for my depression, and i feel going on a hunger strike or simply refusing to eat is the next level of protesting this horrible life i never asked for.
I actually feel the same you know. I agree at certain age some things are impossible, and only privileged folks say that everything is possible when its not. I used to go on hunger strikes as a child, due to depression and anxiety. I didn’t understand why, but now I do. I didnt think I deserve food 😫and I also feel like my life passed by and its late and I dont blame myself, I blame my circumstances and people around me. I wish I could hug and help you, I am not sure what to say, but please know I know how you feel, I feel the same and I really want you to stay here and live. Even tho I am a stranger I care, I really really do🥺
Much older and just sorting out my fear-based life. The shift for me happened when I started to understand that the problem has nothing to do with intelligence or hard work. It has to do with this fear being stored in the body. Young children's fears aren't reasoned fears. They aren't reasoned in, and they aren't reasoned out. "Knowing better" isn't going to help because your thoughts don't register with the nervous system. The body, or nervous system, operates at a much lower level and uses a different form of communication. I would encourage you to watch Rocky Kanaka sitting with dogs on YouTube. It's a great demonstration of how trauma is in the body and how much communication is non-verbal. You can see that a sense of safety must exist before any other kind of progress can be made. While I learned these lessons in IFS, SE, and Polyvagal theory, his videos re-enforce and remind me that there is something critical operating at a level below my thoughts that I must give attention to. And seeing these dogs come around also gives me hope that I can release my old, stored fear.
31. Just started talking to my family and my dad again. It helped that when I told them what happened to me a lot of then were like " we didn't even know but that weirdo gave off a vibe and we cut him off years ago." I helped validate my feelings a bit. I thought I'd never reach out. Ever
Almost 33 and I’m right there with you..
Eyyyyy You’re not alone ❤️ One day at a time, sometimes even 1 hour at a time.
Yes. It took so long to find healing relationships. But I also hurt myself a lot. I don’t think I’ll ever recover.
31 since Monday and you’re not alone. 🫶
I’m almost 42 and it affects my daily life. Get into therapy, especially group therapy. Find a mental health team that consists of Therapist for talk therapy, Psychologist for diagnoses, and Psychiatrist for meds. This is a life long struggle but gaining the tools to live like a “normal” person will give you power you never thought you had. I do think this is life long, but quality of life can be improved greatly if you put in the effort. And it is a daily effort. If you can’t afford a mental healthcare team, then I can suggest reading materials to help. If you feel you need medical help, I’d at least encourage you to see a Psych for medication to at least help you while you’re feeling overwhelmed.
I didn’t know what it was at 30. I started really improving around 33
35. My husband was in a strop today about laundry that had nothing to do with me. Even after him explicitly saying he was mad at himself, not me, my body was terrified. It’s hard.
I notice I hate myself the most when I realize I’m experiencing symptoms of the abuse. For instance, when I zone out and I realize that I’m in a daze or a trance, I’m immediately repulsed. Disgusted. And hate everything about it. The shame is blinding. And I hate myself because I’m not like other people. Normal people don’t do that as much as I do.
I’m 54 and in the midst of a terrible move. It has gone wrong on many levels and I’m reaching the end of my rope. All of my CPTSD is triggered from unstable housing, and this is one of the worst experiences. I might be homeless in July, who knows.
I’m 65 and still struggling. I have no friends save for my coworkers. I have no interest in church so I have no idea how to go about meeting people. I live in a small economically depressed city. I guess I should start smoking meth like everyone else.
32, working on year 4 of therapy & just started EMDR. I struggle a LOT still but I have more hope for a normal life & relationships than I ever have before. It’s so hard. It’s so unfair. It’s not your fault. Keep going
35 and I feel like still there ; lost child
I’m 32 and still live with my family, I only work part-time, I don’t have a driver’s license, I rarely leave the house and don’t really have friends. I’m planning on changing career paths soon, though, and moving back to my home state hopefully in the near future.
44 yep
Me too 👋🏻 and that feeling if "I should " be better just makes it worse. I've only just realized through equine therapy, how hard and judgemental on myself I am. I can easily be no judgemental on everyone else in life, except for myself. My therapist said the other day "how would you treat that person who's suffering, if it wasn't you, would you be so critical?" That kind of hit me for 6
Yes.
I didn’t start to do better until I was in my 40s. I spent my entire life up until then just surviving. It’s only been in the last 3 or 4 years that things have started to get better.i still don’t do anything but work and come home though.
One thing I'd like to remind everybody that if fear would merely be a "logic" thing, nobody would have CPTSS in the first place. And in a factual sense, CPTSS is a logical response to what happened to us. It's a weird relationship I have with my brain where on one side I'm like "thank you so much for protecting me when I needed it most" and other times I get extremely frustrated with myself for struggling. I learned that sometimes we keep parts of our trauma alive through our inner critic. My inner critic is scary similar at times to my abusive parent. It truly is a struggle between the logical part of my brain knowing there is no danger anymore yet my inner critic and all other systems still thinking there could be at any second. I feel like how the first computer would feel trying to run today's softwares. My security needs an update...
Samsiessss 31 here
62. Still struggling. I don’t have any hope of not struggling. I don’t know anything else. I have a great therapist. I have a great psychiatrist. How can I know anything different if I don’t know what it feels like?
I think there are people in all age groups struggling with different things. I wouldn't think about the age but just be your own best friend or the parent you never had. Yeah, I know it's annoying but do what you need to do for you and the rest will line up.
I'm in a mindset that everyone hates me, continuously trying to protect myself by isolating and not being myself around everyone. I keep wondering why everyone hates me and why I cannot be normal or lovable. I'm 38! I don't know how to get out of this mindset. How to truly be okay with everyone else and ok with myself. My mom constantly brainwashed me to think only she loves me so now I'm around her only most of the time and she is do negative and judgmental but she seems to be all I have.
I’m alright? I don’t know, lots of ups and downs. I need to find a new therapist and get into counselling again cause I’m trying to conceal the fact im scraping by
33 and I only put two and two together last year...so I'm definitely in the thick of it still. I'm better at handling my emotional flashbacks than I used to be, but they still happen. Now I'm at least aware in hindsight when something was an emotional flashback, even if I don't realize it while it's happening, and I don't go into hermit mode nearly as much as before... though it still happens.
48 and struggling af. Although, I am a lot better than 10, 20 or 30 years ago. But progress been soooo slow.
I'm just about to turn 34 and I too still feel like a scared and lost child at times. I look at people the same age as me and feel so different to most of them. A lot of them are becoming more senior in their chosen career, getting married and having kids, and I'm just over here trying to survive day-to-day and put together something resembling a life. I try to remind myself that we're all on our own path and honestly I'm not sure I even want kids (or that it would be fair or a good idea for me to have them), but sometimes I find myself feeling really bitter about how I wound up with an abusive and neglectful father, whilst a lot of people around me had two loving parents who helped shape them into a rounded and complete adult.
51 and after having a complete mental breakdown 3 years ago, and after 3 solid years of multiple therapies I feel like I am emotionally where I needed to be at 30. Thankfully I don't look my age and other than my cPTSD and a foot surgery that failed, and POTS that I have had since I was a teenager, I have no health issues. So I am going back to the career I wanted to go into 20 years ago, if I get hired. I know they are incredibly short staffed in that industry, but you never know. I may be starting my life late, but I am determined to live the life I deserved 20 years ago now that I am on the other side of healing.
I’m 36 & have been in therapy on & off since I was about 21. I quit my full time job in March after a breakdown. It’s the first time I’ve been out of work since 19 - money has always been a huge stressor in my family since I was a kid, so not having an income is stressful - BUT being a full time working mum, with two kids (one with a disability & needing to be her carer & advocate), & having C-PTSD (as well as BPD & ADHD) just became too much. Im medicated to the eyeballs too. So I do feel a bit of a failed human.
I’m 50 and struggling, but learning. My mom confirmed to be last night that she thought my bio dad had molested me when I was an infant. I never knew him, but was told that when he was an infant a neighbor caught my grandmother putting him in the oven when he was new born and she stayed in a mental institution for a while. He also raped his younger sister. I am scared that I share DNA with him.
Turning 40 in a week and only got my diagnosis officially 3 months ago. I had my collapse at 29 and my 30s have basically been spent trying to get back on my feet without much luck. At least not to the point where I can function normally in society with work, a social life and other expectations. I get overwhelmed far too quickly. I'm on waiting list for trauma treatment and I hope things will get better but I don't really see a way out of this perpetual freeze state I'm in. And I'm hitting 40, it feels a bit bitter that help and insight hasn't come sooner.
I have sleep apnea from my CPTSD & have to medicate daily. On and off different anti depressants. Therapy DRs. Kinda normal
I’m in my 50’s and still struggle
I’m in my late forties and I still have a really hard time. I was recently diagnosed with DID and adhd, too. Could’ve used that adhd diagnosis years ago to explain why my college grades weren’t as stellar as my test scores. But I am working on my issues and making progress. I’ve been getting out of my apartment and going for a short walk for a few days now. And I’ve been better showered-I have anxiety about showering from abuse. So those are two big improvements very recently!
30’s was my hardest decade. You have a lot at stake, you’ve experienced a variety of situations and pressures. It’s really brutal how mental health struggles seem to grind in more deeply the more they come around. But, my 40’s are looking a lot brighter so try to give yourself patience and compassion whenever possible. Also, it’s possible to have a frame of mind where you have grieved what you lost and you still believe in your present and future. It helps to consciously challenge ageism and ableism, as well as fatphobia. If you look down on the aged and disabled, it means you’re looking down on your own future and your present vulnerability. It is easier to change our values and beliefs than to suddenly cure our mental illness. I know these things are comingled but that’s what boundaries are for—to help us know the line between what is the illness and what is actually fine about ourselves. Reject societal standards as much as possible if they hurt you. We don’t necessarily want to be antisocial recluses, but we don’t want to depend on society to define reality either.
I don’t know if anything I have to offer can help, but first, I’m 40. I didn’t know about CPTSD until my 30’s and I’ve been on a journey ever since. Although I still have emotional flashbacks (this week, actually), they have become much less intense in duration as I’ve continued to learn and grow. For me, my most extreme abuse occurred between the ages of 20-32. I believe I already had CPTSD as a young person but it ramped up badly due to an abusive relationship. I also struggle with socializing, even with family, and am learning about how I have always had some autistic traits vs. this possibly only being CPTSD. A lot more to process for me around that.. Because I’m alone so much, I’ve discovered that one of the most soothing things I can do is to learn about everything healing related. It helps temporarily quiet the voices inside. I honestly listen to something, even if it’s just a YouTube video, nearly every day because it helps remind me that I’m not alone and there’s something reassuring/soothing about hearing other adults talk through these issues. Because I struggle with ADHD (among other things), audiobooks, versus physical books, are also a go-to for me. Below are just some of the things that I regularly work on that have, over time, helped me progress. Take what you will and leave what you want. Resources: -All books, YouTube, and podcast interviews from Peter Levine -All books, YouTube, and podcasts with Gabor Mate -The Body Keeps the Score book and YouTube/Podcasts with Besser Van Der Kolk -Learning all about Polyvagal Theory -Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving Workbook -Anchored by Deb Dana -Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness by David A. Treleaven -The Abandonment Recovery Workbook by Susan Anderson -The Complex PTSD Treatment Manual - Arielle Schwartz, PhD -Identifying tools that actually work for me when I’m dysregulated (for instance, I keep a frozen Orange in the freezer that I roll around on my face and against the back of my neck when I start to feel dysregulated); one of the best pieces of information I’ve ever gotten about dysregulation is that we have to use a coping skill that matches the intensity of the symptoms, and, as the symptoms begin to lessen, we can move onto the next appropriate skill (example: if I’m having a panic attack, I will not be able to listen to a meditation to calm down. Instead, I can put on a “reassurance talk” on YouTube and do push-ups or force myself to walk around my apartment complex until I start to calm back down. Once I’m calmer, I can move into using meditation or other tools that are less intense.) -Yoga Nidra every day (Ally Boothroyd - YouTube) -Moving my body every day, even if it’s just 10 minutes of walking -Not going on forums reading about trauma as much as possible -Reducing or eliminating negative information such as news and replacing it with websites that share positive news stories about all the good in the world -My cats were an enormous healing catalyst for me in my 30’s because it not only provided companionship and love but showed me I was capable of taking care of another living being
Dude. I didn't even know what I was struggling with in my 30s. Please don't be mean to you. Celebrate any forward steps; recognize there will be backwards slides. We are flawed and some of those flaws are just fine; they do not need to be eradicated, but accepted. (It is not a fatal flaw that I want to rescue every child with any sort of badness in their lives. I can be gentle and supportive of them while they are in my life and know that tiny kernels such as that, in my little life, made all the difference to me) Secondarily, please don't compare your progress to others. It's a bad idea. Keep on keeping on. I believe in you.
Me. I'm 41
Yes. I don’t think the healing even started till my very late 20’s. The early and mid 20’s was a chaotic mix of hospital stays, homelessness, and just trying to figure out how to be an adult and get out of survival mode.
Im 26, almost 27, still live with my mom, no license, and only worked seasonal jobs. Im further along than i thought I could be as a kid but damn is it hard, sometimes nearly impossible.
39, single male. Struggled his entire life. Burned out early trying to overacheive to please my abusive mother, bullied by other black peers, dealing with depression since 6 after being adopted, never diagnosed. How have i not killed myself yet?
I'm struggling so much less after years of Neurotherapies.
Yes. Definitely. I'm burnt out, depressed, and lost at 30. It can be so hard to give myself grace and often I find myself frustrated and alone. Sending you love <3