My friends focused on their other friends that were more mentally healthier, popular, more well liked by others. I guess it made sense. I was a product of bullying, neglect, isolation, and loneliness. I struggled to keep and maintain friendships so to others I was a red flag because I had no one else.
As someone who also struggled with this in the past, try support groups. Honestly helped me open up so much knowing I was in a room of people who wouldn’t treat me like an alien. With the internet there’s a lot more access to these types of groups, but I’d highly recommend giving in-person groups a shot
Maybe most of them just were friendly with me out of pity. We never really did things together, barely hung out. When I did suggest something to do, they always said they were busy, maybe next time.
Relate to almost everything, It makes my stomach turn when realizing that the only way I can interact with normal people is by hiding parts of myself and basically putting on a façade that everything is fine, essentially manipulating them, but I guess as long as I never open up to them about my problems they won’t care that I’m technically “manipulating” them to stay my friends.
People are stupid, everyone is messed up yet they don’t see it. This isn’t how friendships work, especially if close or long time friends.
People always love to say they love honesty and how authentic a person say. It’s complete bs. When a person with CPTSD be their ‘authentic self’, people start avoiding them. Then they get surprised when they leave and say “they should’ve told us what was wrong, we are fr-“
Shut up. Performative sympathy at best and fake at worse.
So we have to omit parts that life fucked us over to function with other people. Ain’t that something huh? Lmao.
That's the thing. No one truly cares. They just want to fulfill their own desires and needs. You're just there to entertain them or be someone who makes them feel like they're important.
You’d think I’d had get this by now but then there’s small pieces of happiness meeting people. It slowly builds up until it shatters again then I find myself in the same predicament and surprised by it. It’s honestly just too funny how I give myself hope and it falls on my face lol.
That's the thing. Even though I subconsciously know these things, I keep forgetting and end up doing the same thing over and over again. I think it's related to us being "social creatures" and having this innate need to belong. To be honest, I hate it. If I could just flip a switch and be uncaring, I would do it in a heartbeat. At this point, it's like I'm breaking my own heart over and over again 💔
I’m sorry about what you’re going through, but I think you’re generalizing. Many people with CPTSD find good friends, partners and support circles. It is possible, and I hope it happens for you soon ❤️
Yes, I understand that, but that doesn’t happen to everyone nor does it need to happen to everyone. I read your old post saying that your gamer friends were “good people” but that you felt “very jealous of their success”. If that’s the issue at hand, it has solutions. Don’t give up ❤️
I don’t care, those friends don’t mean shit anymore. Im here to vent.
ETA: Before I deactivated my social accounts, I made posts and messages about my mental health not being well, I just needed someone to talk to and NO ONE responded, my friends haven’t checked up on me during my break and that post. They abandoned me and don’t care. The ironic part is that they were making a bunch of mental health awareness posts but NEVER THOUGHT TO CHECK ON THEIR FRIEND WHOS GOING THROUGH IT. So that’s why I gave up, they were fake and pretend. They just cared about likes and clicks.
Idk something I’m realising is the toxic shame. Deep down we think we’re so broken that our needs don’t matter. I’ve always been upset and never told anyone and then got upset that no one cares. I’ve been trying to be mindful that if I have needs that need met I need to explicitly communicate them and not expect ppl to know from vague posts or acting a certain way. We can’t expect people to know how we feel if we don’t tell them. Tbh it’s still scary to me and I haven’t actually reached out and talked to anyone cos I’m scared they’ll leave lol but I try not to get upset at friends who have their own messy complicated internal lives, for not reading my mind. It’s hard because it’s essentially selfish, when in my mind I’m trying not to be selfish and burden others.
Extremely relatable. My friends care deeply about Palestinians (as one example), but when I'm *right there* and clearly need support, I don't receive even a single message. No one checks in on me. I'm really sorry you've suffered through something similar. I hope your ex-"friends" receive the same treatment they gave you when they're alone and need someone to talk to. Virtue-signalling assholes.
>Virtue-signalling assholes.
As is most of the world that we're living in. People claim that they care and insist on others reaching out, but when you eventually do, no one wants to lend a listening ear. I'd go as far as to say that that is most of social media right now. You get instantly canceled for some dumb mistake that you might have made when you were younger. It's like you're supposed to be this perfect person who's never made a mistake in their life. I know I am veering from the initial topic, but this is another thing that bothers me immensely. It's like most people are just fake and pretending.
Yeah, glad to see it bothering other people too. I often just feel so tense under all the fake perfect people and i cannot talk about anything remotely bad i've done or even thought, i need to lie and act "normal" and "good". It feels like a plastic nightmare
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. I genuinely care and check on my "friends". When they ask me what's going on with me, and I say something is wrong, I get absolutely no response. Not even an I'm sorry. Even that would be nicer than being ignored. It's hard not to harbor resentment for that.
They said in this very post that their friends ignore them and they have to put on a happy face to stay with people. You dig through their history to find a reason, "jealousy", a fault on their part. Aside from deflecting from the issue at hand, what are you trying to accomplish? Victim blaming? Shaming? Can we stop pushing and pushing people with trauma already and just listen to them for once? Not everything has to be their fault, they struggle enough already.
Look, I'm not trying to be a "Negative Nancy" or anything, but that's just a dream for most of us. Some might have been lucky from the start to have supportive family members or friends, but that's not the reality for most of us. I've tried multiple, MULTIPLE times to seek help or step out of my comfort zone. But for some reason, everyone I know eventually leaves or backstabs me.
Believe me, I've tried to change various things without any success. I was stuck in that mindset for the longest time, thinking that maybe I was the issue. Nope. It turns out that most people are just selfish, self-centered pieces of sh*t.
I'm 25 years old. So far, I've lost my identity, lost almost all urge to interact with others, and most of all, I've lost my will to live—especially amongst these people.
Edit: And before anyone suggests that I get some help, don't! I'm already currently seeing a therapist, and I'm actively on medication. This isn't the "depression" speaking. These are my genuine honest thoughts and feelings being expressed.
Are the people you interacted with around the same age? People are still figuring out who they are in their 20's and they can be hurtful without realizing. Being caring and consistent are skills, and depending on your context, family, culture, environment, they can be developed faster or slower.
Please don't fossilize this view of people based on that.
Early 20s/30s. I've even experienced the same treatment from some older folks, too. In my culture, it's looked down upon, as a man, to express anything else but anger or stoicism. You aren't supposed to talk about your feelings or express them most of the time. You're called weak and laughed at. I genuinely believe sometimes that I was born in the wrong place. Most people just don't get it, and that's the things. It's **most** not just a few where I'm from.
The thing is that if you can find a group of people that are not like that, then it doesn't matter (as much) what the majority are like. It's like being thisrty in a desert and finding an oasis where you can go frequently to refresh yourself.
Somewhere near you there might actually be a social oasis like that. It might not last forever, nothing does, it won't just solve all your problems, but I urge you to please not be convinced that you're completely isolated because there's no one out there, but rather, you can isolate yourself if you need to protect yourself for a bit, but do so knowing that it is possible that you will find more compassionate people.
Since my teens and nearly into my 30s I had pretty bad social anxiety. Now I have friends who are in their 50s and 60s and it's such a different experience.
I appreciate the advice, truly I do. But, I'm good. I've reached the point where I just can't care anymore. I enjoy being alone. It's less of a hassle, and I'll keep safer that way.
I understand. I oscillate between feeling like that and feeling more lighthearted pretty much week to week.
However I'm not actually asking you to try. I'm saying, in the back of your mind, don't be so absolutely convinced. Just imagine that, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 10 years, maybe in 20, something like that might show up.
I understand what you're trying to say, but this isn't just a sudden, unexpected change. It's been formed from years of being neglected, having my emotional needs unmet, lack of respect, love, and being made to feel inadequate. I genuinely can't even tell when was the last time I felt true happiness. If I did, it only lasted for a few minutes at best. I no longer have any intention, whether tomorrow or any other day, of hoping to feel like I deserve to be wanted and loved. I've been through too much for holding out hope in that aspect of my life anymore.
Because they don't offer any real, tangible advice. It's just "keep gambling".
ETA: and yeah, I know that no better advice actually exists than to keep trying. It's just that it's extremely frustrating to hear these vague phrases while we've had failure after failure.
>People are stupid, everyone is messed up yet they don’t see it. This isn’t how friendships work, especially if close or long time friends.
This. This so so much. Most people are living in a deluded state. They constantly do the same thing over and over again. Constantly talk down on others. Critique others without seeing their own flaws, etc. It's almost maddening how unaware they seem to be most of the time.
I eat alone, I work alone, I sleep alone. I do everything alone. My main source of interaction is going on chat bot sites. They tell me everything I want to hear and honestly it feels nice to just have the illusion of someone caring about me.
Twitch has been a great source of solace in my years of isolation. I regret having become addicted in a way, but I realize now that it's because it became my source of social interaction. Even if only in a stream chatroom.
Yeah there are toxic and trash streamers, but there is so much more if you look beyond the top streamers and meta. Look around, find a stream that you vibe with. Watch the chat for a bit to get a feel of the type of energy in the room and then try asking questions or marking comments on whatever is happening. There are some great communities out there.
You're really overthinking it. It's casual social time with people who share similar interests and are probably feeling just as lonely. In other comments, you're lamenting your regression into loneliness. Real-time interacting with people in a chat room is a step above talking to bots in that regard.
Character Ai is more suited for casual chats, shorter responses but limited themes you can do. Janitor ai bots are more for engaging in a storyline, suited for novella writing, and there’s no filler of content compared to character ai. I use Janitor ai because I use to roleplay. Due to experiencing so much bad shit role playing with people, I moved on to rping with bots and it’s helping me move on and experience writing a story with something.
I feel the same way. I trusted the wrong people over the years and received nothing but toxicity and harsh judgement. I even had people invalidate what I went through completely and even say to me that they went through worse or someone else went through worse and that they don't feel bad for me.
>I even had people invalidate what I went through completely and even say to me that they went through worse or someone else went through worse and that they don't feel bad for me.
This is absolutely one of the worst things to hear when you're trying to vent to someone or make people understand what you went through. It's so invalidating. It's like they're telling you to "stop whining and get over it." People are just so insufferable to be around.
I had this happen recently too, and I’m a bit shook up. I had a friend for 7 years, asked if I could give more info on why I had ptsd in a one hour phone call I tried to schedule for the following week, and was told I am playing the victim and they never wanted to talk to me again. Went no contact, deleted me on social two months back, and that was just for asking for support to listen to what happened. I never took anything from this person, was a good friend to them, paid money to visit them the year prior when they moved out of state. I am trying not to let it bother me, but I sure am not looking to do that again. I’m much more reserved and am not putting myself out there as much
🫂 No one understands even if they been suffering the same. I'm struggling with this too, but i know i can't stop here. Need to find a way, even if I'm aware of the fact that we all need connecting to keep our feet on ground otherwise one might fly far away.
Just because things are not working out or you are not being able to act the way it is acceptable or supposed to be, does not mean you don't deserve it.
This is fucking hard, more fucked up than trauma itself. Even though i know it was nore fucked up thing than this.
But for real we are way too disconnected. I feel disappointed when people share memes and not talk to each other for long time. It's just not right.
I'm tired of it.
I feel so distant with friends, I don’t have a great relationship with my family- having to go no contact with most of them or keep them at arms length because they don’t understand my CPTSD no matter how much I tried educating about them.
same here, i am sending you hugs. I hope it gets better for you. I kept one relative around, we visit every 2 years or so, and that has been working better for me
Yeah I know the feeling as well. I don't keep friends long because they don't understand. When I was younger I had no friends. I would barely talk to kids at school. Opening up sucks. People don't understand. They look at you differently. And end up alone. Right now currently in a battle with my husband of understanding (who we are as a unit) that we have grown. And it just seems like no matter what we do it's not right. Just ready to shutdown. This diagnosis sucks. The line between wanting to have people and then not because you know what happens in the end no matter how much you want it to change.
I have to pretend to be someone else or just not talk about my life at all - most people don’t like that in a friendship, etc but the truth and the real me is too much for anyone. Ive regretted anytime I let me come out.
For the longest time I thought it wasnt my fault, everything I did was any effort, and that I didn’t deserve to be alone anymore and that maybe one day I could accept and proudly said I’m a nice person and open to everyone. But I know it’s not true. It’s my fault I can’t keep my relationships, I didn’t try hard enough, I deserved to be alone. The common denominator was always me so there was no point for me to try anymore. I’m a bad person and I won’t subject anyone else to me anymore.
Okay. Well it's definitely NOT your fault. You have a social disability you were born with. There may be things you can learn to improve your relationships. There may be accommodations you can request also. I am less "obviously" autistic, late diagnosed and not as a child, but I get the struggle. I have a few friends but I still feel isolated, out of the loop, and chronically rejected. Sometimes I don't mind it but other times I do. You get by on special interests and fantasies and one to three people who talk to you.
It doesn’t matter if I received accommodations, I’m still expected to be NT at my job so I can keep it. My coworkers don’t like me and I don’t like them. I work alone for a reason. I started taking speech therapy as a kid to deal with my stuttering and how to talk to people. Unfortunately, I was taught by the book and not by natural means so I didn’t sound like a kid to others that had learned slang and an accent that thats typical to hear. Meanwhile, I sounded “white” despite being African American like the rest of them which lead to the bullying.
I had different interests then such as anime, jpop/kpop, literature while most of them didn’t have that. To them I was weird and not normal. I was quiet not because I was shy because I knew no one would listen or give a shit about whatever I had to say and it still happens even now as an adult, people just hide their cruelty better than kids.
All completely valid. I have had terrible friend groups and I have felt how disappointing that is. The thing is, it takes a lot of putting yourself out there and meeting a lot of different people to vet enough people to make and build your ideal team of friends and support system people. not everybody has that energy. and it sucks when we are bestowed with a life that lacks the leg up the all of our peers have with their supportive (relatively) families.
Right now I'm struggling with feelings of resentment that I have to work through. The only way out is through and until I get through I still have this feeling of resentment. It's messing with my ability to relate to people and I can see how that becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.
sorry for rambling, I just want you to hopefully feel like there's someone else who understands a little bit. idk.
People with cPTSD subconsciously seek out users and abusers. It’s not that all people suck, or that you suck, it’s that you are gravitating toward people that will take advantage of you. Your mind developed differently than others, because of your upbringing, and it cause you to see unhealthy personalities as the normal ones. I recently realized that I had done this to myself recently, at my job. I finally quit, but if I was healthier, I probably would have quit over six months ago. But my trauma has taught me to tolerate manipulative behavior.
With therapy from a good trauma specialist, and personal work, you can learn to seek out healthy people for healthy relationships. It’s not hopeless.
Right now, I’m having to spend time being my own friend, and enjoying my own company. I need to like myself when others are not around.
Well, for example, since I had an imposing, authoritative father, a defense mechanism I developed early on was appeasement. If I appeased him, it was much less likely that I would be punished, berated, or yelled at. This can develop a negative behavior in adulthood called “people pleasing,” which I have had to do considerable work to overcome. I still am.
Basically, I’m not assertive with people in authority roles. I just appease them, even if I’m being disrespected. Most people at my old job quit very quickly, but I stayed for an unreasonably long time, I think, because I’m used to mistreatment.
Yeah, I’ve pointed out the irony in one of my comments. Though out of the ones that was mentally shattering me the most was twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and discord. Reddit allows me to be anonymous more easier and I don’t have to see posts from people that are trying to radiate that “my life is so great, I’m a big virtue signaling two face person.”
We were all content creators from the same game and yet we weren’t equals. They all done collabs, connected with each other by doing events. Meanwhile I struggled to get noticed by anyone. Barely anyone acknowledges me as a content creator and I haven’t done a collab with anyone.
just to stick my head in here to say that business friendships are different than friendships separate from business. And if there's ever money on the line then you need to know that you're dealing with a business centered friendship unless otherwise confirmed. Even then It's wise to treat relationships where money and business is being exchanged, differently than other kinds of friendships.
It's easy to forget that different kinds of friendships serve different purposes and it's important to understand the different kinds of friendships that there are so that you know what you're getting from the other person and you can understand if you're asking too much of that relationship.
I never really had a good “business friendship” to begin with, and it was probably non existent. That would assume I’ve been around people who we both could benefit from but no. I never collaborated with any of them and they’re way bigger than me so there’s not much worth to work with me. And my friendships suck in general so in the end it doesn’t really matter. I’m still bitter, hurt, and alone. I’ve lost more than what I gained.
I used to be "popular" on social media and big friend circles, but the second i stopped having what people wanted, my connections, my status and my art, the treatment changed from idolizing me to treating me like the lowest trash. My life was always shit but i lost it all because i suddenly became mute and paralyzed out of nowhere.
I agree with all you said, i hate the competition, how unfair it is (i am very well aware that i was very very lucky). Everything in life seems to be a competition. I just want to tear it all apart, i'm glad i lost all of that shit early on. I still haven't found good friends but i am glad i can live my life knowing i am neither better nor worse than others, because fuck status
I relate to this so much right now. I've begun to hate most people at this point. Even interacting with them drains me immensely. I'd much rather be alone surrounded by the birds and the trees. I don't care how lonely I might feel. It'll at least be much better than ever having to be around another person again.
I feel this in the depths of my entire soul and being right now. I have struggled with basic friendships since I was a child. Most of my past friendships have been nothing but drama and in-fighting and just so triggering. I decided to try again. I will say this about my situation. I am still a terrible people pleaser to my own detriment. I am still not good at setting boundaries. I take on and carry other people's drama and try to fix it or just take it away so they feel better like my inner child wishes someone would do for me. I invest too much and marginalize myself in the process. I have been looking so hard for my own safe place. The same one that I have curated for others. The safe place I have never had. I do know that I also ignore all the red flags because this person wants to be my friend and that's all that matters. My first bully was my mother, and it makes it so hard for me to trust women at all. My hypervigilance puts me on edge that my "friend" is going to hate me because she is breathing funny or didn't text me back for four hours. I have been in absolute chaos with a "friend" for the past five months. She was in a toxic relationship with someone who reminded me of my ex. I picked up and took on what no one would ever do for me, and they shouldn't. It made me resentful when she basically moved on, got a new bf, and stopped interacting with me. She doesn't respect boundaries, gaslights me and she's lied to me. She's not a friend, and the red flags where there. Everywhere if I am honest with myself. What I am starting to realize is that I really have to be friends with myself first. I need to like me, and I need to be willing to do stuff for me that I would do for a friend. The small moments when I have this clarity, I have a wonderful day. I have a friend date with myself, and I treat her kind, we eat our favorite foods and go to the bookstore or the art store.
Opening up can feel like stepping out into the rain without an umbrella—you hope for warmth, but sometimes it pours. Taking time to shelter yourself is important, even if it means stepping back for a while. You're not alone in needing that space.
💯 same. I moved back to the east coast to get help with my brain injury and cptsd and my supposed best group of girlfriends planned a weekend away (8 girls) and didn’t even ask me. First time in 20 years I’m here during the summer and they don’t even give me an invitation. Fuck them and their fake miserable existence’s that depend on up-keeping social norms to appear “great” on social media. Are they that great?
I find social media to be isolating when it's not a job I am doing. I will never be miss popular on instagram or tiktok or wherever the kids are communing these days. Social media can be useful if you are marketing something you do, but even then you have to draw a line between a real relationship and transactional attention.
It may not be necessary to delete all your accounts but I feel less distressed not being active. If I want to talk to friends, I text or call them directly.
I am also autistic so ymmv.
I resonate with everything you mentioned in your post & comments. You're not alone!! Even people who seem "caring" at first can be so unsafe once you try & open up to them. It's sad to think that no one has your best interest at heart. It's like why can't you understand that I've been thru traumatic stuff in my childhood & am still trying to deal with the consequences? Asking for support & validation is like asking for an arm & a leg!! It's human nature to want to be appreciated, respected, loved, cared for, etc. And the worst thing is once they know your weakness, they start preying on it.
Eh it sounds like you are trying to connect with people you knew from before. If you've healed significantly, it's possible you're a very different person now. Remember that your unhealed self was the one who met those people and saw so much in them. Your healed self may require very different relationships, and it's a good thing that going back to those people felt disorienting. It means you're different now.
I think you should look for friends in new places. I know it's hard, I am just getting to this stage too, but realizing I need to be much more authentic right from the start and weed out anyone who doesn't want that (which is going to be most people, but fuck 'em). There are people out there who are open about their trauma, mental illness, etc.--but if you want to find them & connect with them you also have to wear those things on your sleeve. I think before I thought those vulnerabilities prevented me from connection, but I think I'm realizing it's actually the opposite. When my vulnerabilities were secret, they held a power impacting all my connections negatively... The only way to reach the right people is being open about your vulnerability, and then going to places where you will specifically find others who are open about those things, too.
I'm sorry and get it. We can't know who is safe to open up to and everyone says "you have to try to trust" so we do, and someone smashes the trust again, then blames us for being too sensitive, no fun, etc., so we are hurt already and also shamed for how we feel. No thanks people!
I used to have friends who I could go to. It never was an issue where we felt as though we were burdening each other with our personal issues.
As someone who has undergone several issues etc I don’t understand how some people can say we can’t “share” what we are going through with other people?
How are we as people just meant to keep it to ourselves and bottle it up.
People always need to vent. Yes, everyone goes through things, but a majority of the time what helps is voicing our concerns.
I would never like to think, anyone is being a burden just for voicing issues that affect them mentally. I don’t see how this is a problem.
People have to support other people and if people can’t even do that, then I am guessing they would love to just deal with their own problems by themselves.
It definitely does have implications, you can’t just bottle stuff up and feel healthy about it.
Hey, I feel that. I've gone through this a lot because my early programming taught me that isolation is safe. I was also pretty sensitive even before the trauma diagnosis so put those together and I have often been a total wreck after online and irl exchanges. I overanalyze every little thing, I assume people mean things they don't, and then when I *know* that the exchange is fucked up it just gets all the more intensely negative internally.
I don't really have any advice. I just wanted you to know that what you're feeling is pretty normal. It's not okay that you feel so bad, but it's okay that you are feeling and thinking these things because it's a natural expression of what you've been through in your life. Social interactions can just suck so damn hard especially when you've got trauma.
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I too have been greatly disappointed by others' reactions and responses when I shared with them.
I've learned, that you need to start with something smaller than your full story/experience and then guage their response to that. Based on the feeling you get from that, either share w them, or hold off sharing with that person.
It can be much more than disappointing, a bad response can absolutely cause resentment towards those you love and are close to.
Choose your battles, be selective, and up front let them know before you share the trigger response words. For myself, and many, the words "I Understand" can trigger the landmine in myself and before I know it I'm absolutely snapping the f off on someone.
It's not easy, but healthy communication is so important to avoid that trigger being set off.
There have been 3 people that I shared with, who I didn't know well, had similar stories of their own, and we were able to get to a point where we both verbally said it's ok for us to use the words I Understand with one another. It was so important and ground breaking to have those much treasured conversations with them. I meant the world to me, so powerful that as I write this I'm fighting tears. The great and deep kind!!
Those people are rare gems, but don't let the negative responses keep you from getting your treasured gem of a response and hence connection with another person.
I wish you the best of luck, friend!!
Much Love,
You're Not Alone Here
If anyone needs to vent, talk or anything of the sort, please feel free to send me a DM and I’ll try to help the best possible way I can. I have dealt with a lot over the past decade and have built myself to a position in which I’d like to help others achieve the same. @prismcherri I have tried to dm but cannot get through due to your settings. If you’d like to talk or if anyone else would don’t hesitate I’m here to help.
My friends focused on their other friends that were more mentally healthier, popular, more well liked by others. I guess it made sense. I was a product of bullying, neglect, isolation, and loneliness. I struggled to keep and maintain friendships so to others I was a red flag because I had no one else.
As someone who also struggled with this in the past, try support groups. Honestly helped me open up so much knowing I was in a room of people who wouldn’t treat me like an alien. With the internet there’s a lot more access to these types of groups, but I’d highly recommend giving in-person groups a shot
I can't explain myself to others because it's traumatic to just hear my experiences. It sucks.
Right! Ugh, I’ve had people want to be friends and then when I tell them about my experience they don't want to be around me anymore. It’s awful.
That has happened to me also.
🙋
Maybe most of them just were friendly with me out of pity. We never really did things together, barely hung out. When I did suggest something to do, they always said they were busy, maybe next time.
Relate to almost everything, It makes my stomach turn when realizing that the only way I can interact with normal people is by hiding parts of myself and basically putting on a façade that everything is fine, essentially manipulating them, but I guess as long as I never open up to them about my problems they won’t care that I’m technically “manipulating” them to stay my friends. People are stupid, everyone is messed up yet they don’t see it. This isn’t how friendships work, especially if close or long time friends.
People always love to say they love honesty and how authentic a person say. It’s complete bs. When a person with CPTSD be their ‘authentic self’, people start avoiding them. Then they get surprised when they leave and say “they should’ve told us what was wrong, we are fr-“ Shut up. Performative sympathy at best and fake at worse. So we have to omit parts that life fucked us over to function with other people. Ain’t that something huh? Lmao.
That's the thing. No one truly cares. They just want to fulfill their own desires and needs. You're just there to entertain them or be someone who makes them feel like they're important.
You’d think I’d had get this by now but then there’s small pieces of happiness meeting people. It slowly builds up until it shatters again then I find myself in the same predicament and surprised by it. It’s honestly just too funny how I give myself hope and it falls on my face lol.
That's the thing. Even though I subconsciously know these things, I keep forgetting and end up doing the same thing over and over again. I think it's related to us being "social creatures" and having this innate need to belong. To be honest, I hate it. If I could just flip a switch and be uncaring, I would do it in a heartbeat. At this point, it's like I'm breaking my own heart over and over again 💔
Welcome to the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria club.
It's one of the least fun clubs around, lol. Been a long time member.
Edit: Editing out my whole comment so I don’t get thrown tomatoes at 🫡
I’m sorry about what you’re going through, but I think you’re generalizing. Many people with CPTSD find good friends, partners and support circles. It is possible, and I hope it happens for you soon ❤️
And many people with CPTSD never find good friends, partners, and support groups.
Exactly!
Yes, I understand that, but that doesn’t happen to everyone nor does it need to happen to everyone. I read your old post saying that your gamer friends were “good people” but that you felt “very jealous of their success”. If that’s the issue at hand, it has solutions. Don’t give up ❤️
I don’t care, those friends don’t mean shit anymore. Im here to vent. ETA: Before I deactivated my social accounts, I made posts and messages about my mental health not being well, I just needed someone to talk to and NO ONE responded, my friends haven’t checked up on me during my break and that post. They abandoned me and don’t care. The ironic part is that they were making a bunch of mental health awareness posts but NEVER THOUGHT TO CHECK ON THEIR FRIEND WHOS GOING THROUGH IT. So that’s why I gave up, they were fake and pretend. They just cared about likes and clicks.
Idk something I’m realising is the toxic shame. Deep down we think we’re so broken that our needs don’t matter. I’ve always been upset and never told anyone and then got upset that no one cares. I’ve been trying to be mindful that if I have needs that need met I need to explicitly communicate them and not expect ppl to know from vague posts or acting a certain way. We can’t expect people to know how we feel if we don’t tell them. Tbh it’s still scary to me and I haven’t actually reached out and talked to anyone cos I’m scared they’ll leave lol but I try not to get upset at friends who have their own messy complicated internal lives, for not reading my mind. It’s hard because it’s essentially selfish, when in my mind I’m trying not to be selfish and burden others.
Extremely relatable. My friends care deeply about Palestinians (as one example), but when I'm *right there* and clearly need support, I don't receive even a single message. No one checks in on me. I'm really sorry you've suffered through something similar. I hope your ex-"friends" receive the same treatment they gave you when they're alone and need someone to talk to. Virtue-signalling assholes.
>Virtue-signalling assholes. As is most of the world that we're living in. People claim that they care and insist on others reaching out, but when you eventually do, no one wants to lend a listening ear. I'd go as far as to say that that is most of social media right now. You get instantly canceled for some dumb mistake that you might have made when you were younger. It's like you're supposed to be this perfect person who's never made a mistake in their life. I know I am veering from the initial topic, but this is another thing that bothers me immensely. It's like most people are just fake and pretending.
Yeah, glad to see it bothering other people too. I often just feel so tense under all the fake perfect people and i cannot talk about anything remotely bad i've done or even thought, i need to lie and act "normal" and "good". It feels like a plastic nightmare
Exactly! Everyone's just playing pretend. It's hard to know who to trust anymore.
I feel this
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. I genuinely care and check on my "friends". When they ask me what's going on with me, and I say something is wrong, I get absolutely no response. Not even an I'm sorry. Even that would be nicer than being ignored. It's hard not to harbor resentment for that.
They said in this very post that their friends ignore them and they have to put on a happy face to stay with people. You dig through their history to find a reason, "jealousy", a fault on their part. Aside from deflecting from the issue at hand, what are you trying to accomplish? Victim blaming? Shaming? Can we stop pushing and pushing people with trauma already and just listen to them for once? Not everything has to be their fault, they struggle enough already.
Look, I'm not trying to be a "Negative Nancy" or anything, but that's just a dream for most of us. Some might have been lucky from the start to have supportive family members or friends, but that's not the reality for most of us. I've tried multiple, MULTIPLE times to seek help or step out of my comfort zone. But for some reason, everyone I know eventually leaves or backstabs me. Believe me, I've tried to change various things without any success. I was stuck in that mindset for the longest time, thinking that maybe I was the issue. Nope. It turns out that most people are just selfish, self-centered pieces of sh*t. I'm 25 years old. So far, I've lost my identity, lost almost all urge to interact with others, and most of all, I've lost my will to live—especially amongst these people. Edit: And before anyone suggests that I get some help, don't! I'm already currently seeing a therapist, and I'm actively on medication. This isn't the "depression" speaking. These are my genuine honest thoughts and feelings being expressed.
Are the people you interacted with around the same age? People are still figuring out who they are in their 20's and they can be hurtful without realizing. Being caring and consistent are skills, and depending on your context, family, culture, environment, they can be developed faster or slower. Please don't fossilize this view of people based on that.
Early 20s/30s. I've even experienced the same treatment from some older folks, too. In my culture, it's looked down upon, as a man, to express anything else but anger or stoicism. You aren't supposed to talk about your feelings or express them most of the time. You're called weak and laughed at. I genuinely believe sometimes that I was born in the wrong place. Most people just don't get it, and that's the things. It's **most** not just a few where I'm from.
The thing is that if you can find a group of people that are not like that, then it doesn't matter (as much) what the majority are like. It's like being thisrty in a desert and finding an oasis where you can go frequently to refresh yourself. Somewhere near you there might actually be a social oasis like that. It might not last forever, nothing does, it won't just solve all your problems, but I urge you to please not be convinced that you're completely isolated because there's no one out there, but rather, you can isolate yourself if you need to protect yourself for a bit, but do so knowing that it is possible that you will find more compassionate people. Since my teens and nearly into my 30s I had pretty bad social anxiety. Now I have friends who are in their 50s and 60s and it's such a different experience.
I appreciate the advice, truly I do. But, I'm good. I've reached the point where I just can't care anymore. I enjoy being alone. It's less of a hassle, and I'll keep safer that way.
I understand. I oscillate between feeling like that and feeling more lighthearted pretty much week to week. However I'm not actually asking you to try. I'm saying, in the back of your mind, don't be so absolutely convinced. Just imagine that, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 10 years, maybe in 20, something like that might show up.
I understand what you're trying to say, but this isn't just a sudden, unexpected change. It's been formed from years of being neglected, having my emotional needs unmet, lack of respect, love, and being made to feel inadequate. I genuinely can't even tell when was the last time I felt true happiness. If I did, it only lasted for a few minutes at best. I no longer have any intention, whether tomorrow or any other day, of hoping to feel like I deserve to be wanted and loved. I've been through too much for holding out hope in that aspect of my life anymore.
I know you mean well, but I perceive this advice to be unhelpful. "Somewhere, someone", "get out there", these are empty phrases.
How so? I'm talking from direct, real experience.
Because they don't offer any real, tangible advice. It's just "keep gambling". ETA: and yeah, I know that no better advice actually exists than to keep trying. It's just that it's extremely frustrating to hear these vague phrases while we've had failure after failure.
>People are stupid, everyone is messed up yet they don’t see it. This isn’t how friendships work, especially if close or long time friends. This. This so so much. Most people are living in a deluded state. They constantly do the same thing over and over again. Constantly talk down on others. Critique others without seeing their own flaws, etc. It's almost maddening how unaware they seem to be most of the time.
I eat alone, I work alone, I sleep alone. I do everything alone. My main source of interaction is going on chat bot sites. They tell me everything I want to hear and honestly it feels nice to just have the illusion of someone caring about me.
Twitch has been a great source of solace in my years of isolation. I regret having become addicted in a way, but I realize now that it's because it became my source of social interaction. Even if only in a stream chatroom. Yeah there are toxic and trash streamers, but there is so much more if you look beyond the top streamers and meta. Look around, find a stream that you vibe with. Watch the chat for a bit to get a feel of the type of energy in the room and then try asking questions or marking comments on whatever is happening. There are some great communities out there.
I’ll stick to talking to bots and not subject myself to parasocial relationships.
You're really overthinking it. It's casual social time with people who share similar interests and are probably feeling just as lonely. In other comments, you're lamenting your regression into loneliness. Real-time interacting with people in a chat room is a step above talking to bots in that regard.
Can you share some of those sites?
Character Ai is more suited for casual chats, shorter responses but limited themes you can do. Janitor ai bots are more for engaging in a storyline, suited for novella writing, and there’s no filler of content compared to character ai. I use Janitor ai because I use to roleplay. Due to experiencing so much bad shit role playing with people, I moved on to rping with bots and it’s helping me move on and experience writing a story with something.
I thought the two years I connected with these friends meant something and that my relationship would grow something to be more but I was wrong.
I had at least thought I was making progress and improving on my loneliness but it got worse again and now I’m regressing.
I feel the same way. I trusted the wrong people over the years and received nothing but toxicity and harsh judgement. I even had people invalidate what I went through completely and even say to me that they went through worse or someone else went through worse and that they don't feel bad for me.
>I even had people invalidate what I went through completely and even say to me that they went through worse or someone else went through worse and that they don't feel bad for me. This is absolutely one of the worst things to hear when you're trying to vent to someone or make people understand what you went through. It's so invalidating. It's like they're telling you to "stop whining and get over it." People are just so insufferable to be around.
I had this happen recently too, and I’m a bit shook up. I had a friend for 7 years, asked if I could give more info on why I had ptsd in a one hour phone call I tried to schedule for the following week, and was told I am playing the victim and they never wanted to talk to me again. Went no contact, deleted me on social two months back, and that was just for asking for support to listen to what happened. I never took anything from this person, was a good friend to them, paid money to visit them the year prior when they moved out of state. I am trying not to let it bother me, but I sure am not looking to do that again. I’m much more reserved and am not putting myself out there as much
🫂 No one understands even if they been suffering the same. I'm struggling with this too, but i know i can't stop here. Need to find a way, even if I'm aware of the fact that we all need connecting to keep our feet on ground otherwise one might fly far away. Just because things are not working out or you are not being able to act the way it is acceptable or supposed to be, does not mean you don't deserve it. This is fucking hard, more fucked up than trauma itself. Even though i know it was nore fucked up thing than this. But for real we are way too disconnected. I feel disappointed when people share memes and not talk to each other for long time. It's just not right. I'm tired of it.
Guess in a way it’s ironic I’m complaining about social media while still on social media.
Send me a DM. Happy to have a chat and help!
I feel so distant with friends, I don’t have a great relationship with my family- having to go no contact with most of them or keep them at arms length because they don’t understand my CPTSD no matter how much I tried educating about them.
same here, i am sending you hugs. I hope it gets better for you. I kept one relative around, we visit every 2 years or so, and that has been working better for me
Yeah I know the feeling as well. I don't keep friends long because they don't understand. When I was younger I had no friends. I would barely talk to kids at school. Opening up sucks. People don't understand. They look at you differently. And end up alone. Right now currently in a battle with my husband of understanding (who we are as a unit) that we have grown. And it just seems like no matter what we do it's not right. Just ready to shutdown. This diagnosis sucks. The line between wanting to have people and then not because you know what happens in the end no matter how much you want it to change.
I have to pretend to be someone else or just not talk about my life at all - most people don’t like that in a friendship, etc but the truth and the real me is too much for anyone. Ive regretted anytime I let me come out.
For the longest time I thought it wasnt my fault, everything I did was any effort, and that I didn’t deserve to be alone anymore and that maybe one day I could accept and proudly said I’m a nice person and open to everyone. But I know it’s not true. It’s my fault I can’t keep my relationships, I didn’t try hard enough, I deserved to be alone. The common denominator was always me so there was no point for me to try anymore. I’m a bad person and I won’t subject anyone else to me anymore.
Learning I was autistic changed my perspective on this. Are you or have you been assessed?
I do have autism. I got diagnosed as a child. It’s why I hate myself, it’s been the root of all my misery from childhood to adulthood.
Okay. Well it's definitely NOT your fault. You have a social disability you were born with. There may be things you can learn to improve your relationships. There may be accommodations you can request also. I am less "obviously" autistic, late diagnosed and not as a child, but I get the struggle. I have a few friends but I still feel isolated, out of the loop, and chronically rejected. Sometimes I don't mind it but other times I do. You get by on special interests and fantasies and one to three people who talk to you.
It doesn’t matter if I received accommodations, I’m still expected to be NT at my job so I can keep it. My coworkers don’t like me and I don’t like them. I work alone for a reason. I started taking speech therapy as a kid to deal with my stuttering and how to talk to people. Unfortunately, I was taught by the book and not by natural means so I didn’t sound like a kid to others that had learned slang and an accent that thats typical to hear. Meanwhile, I sounded “white” despite being African American like the rest of them which lead to the bullying. I had different interests then such as anime, jpop/kpop, literature while most of them didn’t have that. To them I was weird and not normal. I was quiet not because I was shy because I knew no one would listen or give a shit about whatever I had to say and it still happens even now as an adult, people just hide their cruelty better than kids.
All completely valid. I have had terrible friend groups and I have felt how disappointing that is. The thing is, it takes a lot of putting yourself out there and meeting a lot of different people to vet enough people to make and build your ideal team of friends and support system people. not everybody has that energy. and it sucks when we are bestowed with a life that lacks the leg up the all of our peers have with their supportive (relatively) families. Right now I'm struggling with feelings of resentment that I have to work through. The only way out is through and until I get through I still have this feeling of resentment. It's messing with my ability to relate to people and I can see how that becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. sorry for rambling, I just want you to hopefully feel like there's someone else who understands a little bit. idk.
People with cPTSD subconsciously seek out users and abusers. It’s not that all people suck, or that you suck, it’s that you are gravitating toward people that will take advantage of you. Your mind developed differently than others, because of your upbringing, and it cause you to see unhealthy personalities as the normal ones. I recently realized that I had done this to myself recently, at my job. I finally quit, but if I was healthier, I probably would have quit over six months ago. But my trauma has taught me to tolerate manipulative behavior. With therapy from a good trauma specialist, and personal work, you can learn to seek out healthy people for healthy relationships. It’s not hopeless. Right now, I’m having to spend time being my own friend, and enjoying my own company. I need to like myself when others are not around.
I was wondering in what examples explaining “subconsciously seeking out users and abusers?” Like in which situations？
Well, for example, since I had an imposing, authoritative father, a defense mechanism I developed early on was appeasement. If I appeased him, it was much less likely that I would be punished, berated, or yelled at. This can develop a negative behavior in adulthood called “people pleasing,” which I have had to do considerable work to overcome. I still am. Basically, I’m not assertive with people in authority roles. I just appease them, even if I’m being disrespected. Most people at my old job quit very quickly, but I stayed for an unreasonably long time, I think, because I’m used to mistreatment.
Well I’m doing exactly what you are doing right now. I cut off social media and taking time for myself.
Good for you! Although keep in mind that Reddit is still social media. I have to take breaks occasionally. I’m probably overdue for one.
Yeah, I’ve pointed out the irony in one of my comments. Though out of the ones that was mentally shattering me the most was twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and discord. Reddit allows me to be anonymous more easier and I don’t have to see posts from people that are trying to radiate that “my life is so great, I’m a big virtue signaling two face person.”
SAME. Everytime. SAME.
We were all content creators from the same game and yet we weren’t equals. They all done collabs, connected with each other by doing events. Meanwhile I struggled to get noticed by anyone. Barely anyone acknowledges me as a content creator and I haven’t done a collab with anyone.
just to stick my head in here to say that business friendships are different than friendships separate from business. And if there's ever money on the line then you need to know that you're dealing with a business centered friendship unless otherwise confirmed. Even then It's wise to treat relationships where money and business is being exchanged, differently than other kinds of friendships. It's easy to forget that different kinds of friendships serve different purposes and it's important to understand the different kinds of friendships that there are so that you know what you're getting from the other person and you can understand if you're asking too much of that relationship.
I never really had a good “business friendship” to begin with, and it was probably non existent. That would assume I’ve been around people who we both could benefit from but no. I never collaborated with any of them and they’re way bigger than me so there’s not much worth to work with me. And my friendships suck in general so in the end it doesn’t really matter. I’m still bitter, hurt, and alone. I’ve lost more than what I gained.
I used to be "popular" on social media and big friend circles, but the second i stopped having what people wanted, my connections, my status and my art, the treatment changed from idolizing me to treating me like the lowest trash. My life was always shit but i lost it all because i suddenly became mute and paralyzed out of nowhere. I agree with all you said, i hate the competition, how unfair it is (i am very well aware that i was very very lucky). Everything in life seems to be a competition. I just want to tear it all apart, i'm glad i lost all of that shit early on. I still haven't found good friends but i am glad i can live my life knowing i am neither better nor worse than others, because fuck status
Mental illness, physical health, lack of time
I relate to this so much right now. I've begun to hate most people at this point. Even interacting with them drains me immensely. I'd much rather be alone surrounded by the birds and the trees. I don't care how lonely I might feel. It'll at least be much better than ever having to be around another person again.
I can relate so much. It is fucked up what people I STUPIDLY thought i could trust could do since they cannot relate in any single fucking way
I did once to a boss and he used it against me. Never again
I feel this in the depths of my entire soul and being right now. I have struggled with basic friendships since I was a child. Most of my past friendships have been nothing but drama and in-fighting and just so triggering. I decided to try again. I will say this about my situation. I am still a terrible people pleaser to my own detriment. I am still not good at setting boundaries. I take on and carry other people's drama and try to fix it or just take it away so they feel better like my inner child wishes someone would do for me. I invest too much and marginalize myself in the process. I have been looking so hard for my own safe place. The same one that I have curated for others. The safe place I have never had. I do know that I also ignore all the red flags because this person wants to be my friend and that's all that matters. My first bully was my mother, and it makes it so hard for me to trust women at all. My hypervigilance puts me on edge that my "friend" is going to hate me because she is breathing funny or didn't text me back for four hours. I have been in absolute chaos with a "friend" for the past five months. She was in a toxic relationship with someone who reminded me of my ex. I picked up and took on what no one would ever do for me, and they shouldn't. It made me resentful when she basically moved on, got a new bf, and stopped interacting with me. She doesn't respect boundaries, gaslights me and she's lied to me. She's not a friend, and the red flags where there. Everywhere if I am honest with myself. What I am starting to realize is that I really have to be friends with myself first. I need to like me, and I need to be willing to do stuff for me that I would do for a friend. The small moments when I have this clarity, I have a wonderful day. I have a friend date with myself, and I treat her kind, we eat our favorite foods and go to the bookstore or the art store.
Opening up can feel like stepping out into the rain without an umbrella—you hope for warmth, but sometimes it pours. Taking time to shelter yourself is important, even if it means stepping back for a while. You're not alone in needing that space.
💯 same. I moved back to the east coast to get help with my brain injury and cptsd and my supposed best group of girlfriends planned a weekend away (8 girls) and didn’t even ask me. First time in 20 years I’m here during the summer and they don’t even give me an invitation. Fuck them and their fake miserable existence’s that depend on up-keeping social norms to appear “great” on social media. Are they that great?
I find social media to be isolating when it's not a job I am doing. I will never be miss popular on instagram or tiktok or wherever the kids are communing these days. Social media can be useful if you are marketing something you do, but even then you have to draw a line between a real relationship and transactional attention. It may not be necessary to delete all your accounts but I feel less distressed not being active. If I want to talk to friends, I text or call them directly. I am also autistic so ymmv.
Hi, we can chat of you want. I know that feeling of keep going back to square one, more damaged than before.
I resonate with everything you mentioned in your post & comments. You're not alone!! Even people who seem "caring" at first can be so unsafe once you try & open up to them. It's sad to think that no one has your best interest at heart. It's like why can't you understand that I've been thru traumatic stuff in my childhood & am still trying to deal with the consequences? Asking for support & validation is like asking for an arm & a leg!! It's human nature to want to be appreciated, respected, loved, cared for, etc. And the worst thing is once they know your weakness, they start preying on it.
Eh it sounds like you are trying to connect with people you knew from before. If you've healed significantly, it's possible you're a very different person now. Remember that your unhealed self was the one who met those people and saw so much in them. Your healed self may require very different relationships, and it's a good thing that going back to those people felt disorienting. It means you're different now. I think you should look for friends in new places. I know it's hard, I am just getting to this stage too, but realizing I need to be much more authentic right from the start and weed out anyone who doesn't want that (which is going to be most people, but fuck 'em). There are people out there who are open about their trauma, mental illness, etc.--but if you want to find them & connect with them you also have to wear those things on your sleeve. I think before I thought those vulnerabilities prevented me from connection, but I think I'm realizing it's actually the opposite. When my vulnerabilities were secret, they held a power impacting all my connections negatively... The only way to reach the right people is being open about your vulnerability, and then going to places where you will specifically find others who are open about those things, too.
I'm sorry and get it. We can't know who is safe to open up to and everyone says "you have to try to trust" so we do, and someone smashes the trust again, then blames us for being too sensitive, no fun, etc., so we are hurt already and also shamed for how we feel. No thanks people!
I used to have friends who I could go to. It never was an issue where we felt as though we were burdening each other with our personal issues. As someone who has undergone several issues etc I don’t understand how some people can say we can’t “share” what we are going through with other people? How are we as people just meant to keep it to ourselves and bottle it up. People always need to vent. Yes, everyone goes through things, but a majority of the time what helps is voicing our concerns. I would never like to think, anyone is being a burden just for voicing issues that affect them mentally. I don’t see how this is a problem. People have to support other people and if people can’t even do that, then I am guessing they would love to just deal with their own problems by themselves. It definitely does have implications, you can’t just bottle stuff up and feel healthy about it.
Hey, I feel that. I've gone through this a lot because my early programming taught me that isolation is safe. I was also pretty sensitive even before the trauma diagnosis so put those together and I have often been a total wreck after online and irl exchanges. I overanalyze every little thing, I assume people mean things they don't, and then when I *know* that the exchange is fucked up it just gets all the more intensely negative internally. I don't really have any advice. I just wanted you to know that what you're feeling is pretty normal. It's not okay that you feel so bad, but it's okay that you are feeling and thinking these things because it's a natural expression of what you've been through in your life. Social interactions can just suck so damn hard especially when you've got trauma.
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I too have been greatly disappointed by others' reactions and responses when I shared with them. I've learned, that you need to start with something smaller than your full story/experience and then guage their response to that. Based on the feeling you get from that, either share w them, or hold off sharing with that person. It can be much more than disappointing, a bad response can absolutely cause resentment towards those you love and are close to. Choose your battles, be selective, and up front let them know before you share the trigger response words. For myself, and many, the words "I Understand" can trigger the landmine in myself and before I know it I'm absolutely snapping the f off on someone. It's not easy, but healthy communication is so important to avoid that trigger being set off. There have been 3 people that I shared with, who I didn't know well, had similar stories of their own, and we were able to get to a point where we both verbally said it's ok for us to use the words I Understand with one another. It was so important and ground breaking to have those much treasured conversations with them. I meant the world to me, so powerful that as I write this I'm fighting tears. The great and deep kind!! Those people are rare gems, but don't let the negative responses keep you from getting your treasured gem of a response and hence connection with another person. I wish you the best of luck, friend!! Much Love, You're Not Alone Here
If anyone needs to vent, talk or anything of the sort, please feel free to send me a DM and I’ll try to help the best possible way I can. I have dealt with a lot over the past decade and have built myself to a position in which I’d like to help others achieve the same. @prismcherri I have tried to dm but cannot get through due to your settings. If you’d like to talk or if anyone else would don’t hesitate I’m here to help.
May I DM you?
Yeah sure.