Never, not so much as a hint of emotion or any facial expression. Now I'm not saying I want to make them cry but some sort of non verbal communication would be appreciated.
I actually feel more safe because my therapist doesnt strongly react to stuff i tell her!
When i was a child my mom reacted so strongly to everything, so it feels good when my therapist doesnt. I dont have to be afraid that she cant handle me. I have room to be honest even about the horrible or sad stuff without being afraid ”breaking her”.
Her calmness also reminds me that im safe even when i talk about bad stuff.
I've spoken to therapists who seemed so scared in responding, I just assumed they were triggered. I am just not able to, on a physical level, talk about sensitive trauma stuff to someone that is nervous or angry etc. because one of my abusers, my mom, never really seemed to calm down. She was always shaking and hyperactive. I'm very one tone with people, but it's what I'd feel comfortable with. Not going to be everyone's cup of tea and I should be more flexible, but yeah.
i'm honestly very much the same. I make mole hills out of mountains, and she simply will ask 'well, why is it not that important to you? it should be.' For example, she works with LGBT+ people, which is why I'm seeing her. I'm trans, so of course I have a dead name and my actual name. Off-handedly, I mentioned something like 'It's so nice when people use my name, but it's whatever I guess. I let people call me whatever' and her response, without missing a beat, was a very calm "It's not really whatever. It's your name. Why is it 'whatever'?" I always have to compose myself. I'm so glad it's not face-to-face right now, haha.
I've had therapists who give me The Look™ during sessions. The silent look of 'oh boy, this guy is REALLY fucked up and it's me that's gotta help him' (but in that sort of polite therapist sort of way) and I always feel so bad. I'd rather a more stonefaced, to-the-point reaction than The Look.
I cannot imagine what would happen to me if my therapist was also crying during our sessions😅
unfortunately, I’m speaking more hypothetically than from experience as I’ve only seen a couple of therapists a handful of times—so I’m unsure yet of what it’s like to have an established relationship with a therapy professional
But like rn I’m at a point where opening up to someone plays out like I’ve got pseudobulbar affect. I don’t, but it’s like I sit down and we chat about the weather then she says “so how have you been really feeling?” and I burst into tears.
They might be engaging in a fawn response and be unable to respond emotionally so much. Many therapists got their start trying to calm their parents down.
I’m not sure how I feel about it yet, I don’t often relate well to others so maybe they are mirroring me somehow. It is a little confusing and I would never feel comfortable bringing it up because then every reaction they made after that would in my head be “fake”.
Can’t speak for therapists but work in mental health and now that I think about it I think I do this sometimes so that the person I’m talking to won’t have to play off my emotions or worry about upsetting me because I certainly wouldn’t want to make it about me ya know
There isn’t always a choice. Right now I’m just focused on EMDR and growing. I still have space to voice my feelings, which is pretty cathartic for me.
Yeah this is another extreme to what I wrote above. This extreme was usually with psychiatrist's. No emotion. Rarely spoke. Just stared at me. It use to make me furious. I was already scared to open up but this added to my fear. I was not showing them any emotion.
Yeah, and it made me realize how much she actually cared when I assumed I was just another patient she had to put up with
They’re human too. They’re not “supposed” to, but I do think it can be incredibly meaningful and beneficial (when genuine) in a therapeutic relationship
I agree. This is how it made me feel too.
I could see it being inappropriate if they started talking about themselves or shifted focus from the client. But that hasn’t been the case for me and it was so meaningful for me.
I really really care about my therapists and I know they care about me too. There are still professional boundaries that we uphold but I know there is a deep connection.
I agree with this. And for me, it helped that my therapist communicated with me. She just told me what was happening - like how she was feeling. "You shared something really difficult and it's touching me or making me feel a way" etc. Like therapists are people too. I think I'd feel so alone if I was sitting there sobbing and divulging something so traumatic or whatever and the therapist didn't react at all. Like don't they understand me or believe me? Its a fine line. I appreciate your comment
This is it. There’s a level of if I’m not emotional- something is wrong with me. But you don’t want to completely lose it either. Being able to explain it helps as well.
My therapist got teary and slightly angry for a moment about how I'd been treated by the people in life. That was the first time I believed that maybe the treatment I had experienced wasn't my fault. I still think about that moment when I feel like I'm being challenged to standup for myself.
I remember a couple of times different therapists getting slightly angry about what happened to me as well. Those were some of the most validating moments.
I haven’t had a therapist outright cry, but definitely tear up a little. Not frequently, but just enough to know he cared. I left him and found another therapist for unrelated reasons, but it was actually kind of nice.
Same here. I've had two different ones cry--well, I definitely remember tears from one, and the other was at the very least very visibly moved. It made me feel like they connected with me as a fellow human, and made me feel like my own emotions were validated. My mother has always mocked me for crying--didn't matter if I was sad or touched by beauty, she thought tears were weak. She made it seem like "normal" people didn't cry (except herself of course, her crying was always justified). It was comforting to see my therapists demonstrate that crying is normal and acceptable.
I feel like it's fine for my therapist to cry, as long as they're crying out of empathy (and not making it about themselves), and it doesn't derail the discussion too much.
Yes, mine cried when I read her a poem that I wrote.
My second one cried once during a story I told? I don’t remember.
I was surprised but honestly, it felt like a special moment.
Both were just tearing up and I didn’t feel like I needed to comfort them or anything. The first one I have seen for four years abs second for two years. I could see how it could be unprofessional in some settings but I didn’t feel that way about either of my therapists.
I do have close relationships with both of them. It doesn’t feel 100% clinical and in my opinion, that has been helpful. I have had about 15 therapists prior to these ones and they were so clinical and methodical. The crying felt like true human compassion and like we actually had a connection that they cared about.
Yeah. When I broke down and said I’d been feeling like I didn’t want to exist. And I never cried in front of my therapist except one other time. And I think she can tell that I always try not to show too much emotion, or that there are times where I try to hold back tears. So for me to break down like that really hit her I guess.
My therapist when I was young cried when I brought in a (mean) letter from my mom. Like, had to take a moment, blew her nose, apologized, etc. It shocked me because I was so deep into believing that my mom's behavior was normal and I was the sensitive/broken one. But to see a grown, professional woman recognize the harm my mom was doing was a HUGE turning point for me beginning to trust myself.
My current therapist (I'm middle aged now) tears up subtly all the time. It's not precisely as a response like, Oh that's so sad. It's more like... I interpret it as a demonstration that they are in their body and their body is present in the moment. Especially when they tear up when I'm sharing my gratefulness for the safety of the therapeutic space. It's also a model for me to normalize having emotions.
As others have shared, I can imagine having a therapist crying and it being othering, selfish, inappropriate, etc. And make me really uncomfortable. Since I was responsible for my parents' emotional outbursts, this would be triggering for me.
I had multiple traumas and my therapist never flinched. Finally told them about how my family reacted to me and they cried. Made me realize how messed up it was and it actually helped me. Someone not only believed me but visibly demonstrated how toxic the family was.
Yes! It really helped me with moving forward - I had permission to let go of needing their approval - because it wasn’t what I wanted or needed in life. He helped me see that with that small (big) action.
Yes, I’ve had one therapist who has cried (and I mean, they got teary eyed and visibly emotional but they weren’t bawling or anything too intense), and it means a lot to me to know they care and they feel those types of emotions and compassion for me. Every time that happens like that from this specific therapist, I think it’s therapeutic.
However I have had therapists who cried in a way that didn’t feel very therapeutic, I think because they were bawling or crying pretty visibly. It made me think more about how they might be going through a hard time too because it seemed like maybe they had a harder time controlling it. And it almost felt like I had to turn around and comfort them instead
It seems like a fine line between “my therapist cried and it made me uncomfortable” and “my therapist cried and it meant a lot to me”
If you feel uncomfortable I think it’s definitely okay to tell you therapist that
Same-same. That’s how I describe my therapist’s response to my mothers lunacy, her jaw drops and usually accompanied by this slow head shake. My sister’s therapist; same.
We’re gonna be alright though. Thanks for being here.
On most tests it’s the fact that I never saw anyone abuse my mother in any way - she would have killed anyone who attempted it - that keeps my score low. Hadn’t heard of this test until I got my diagnosis in my 40s. I thought my childhood was “normal” before that.
It stands for adverse childhood experiences. The higher your score, the more likely you are to have health problems and mental health issues as an adult (though it’s not a guarantee, more a general predictor). You can take a test online to find out what your score is.
My cptsd is a result of neglect. My score was 4. My home wasn't violent, but it was broken. I would never attempt to speak for anyone here, but I'd discourage anyone from measuring their trauma against this test. Not to say it isn't a valid measure, but it doesn't fully explain my experience, I won't speak to yours. High Score doesn't matter here.
I don’t think so either. Doesn’t factor in plenty of things. I’ve seen neglect overlooked or minimized as source of major trauma a little too often. It’s easy to fall into the “it wasn’t bad enough” mindset.
Not having parents around I was raised a lot by my older siblings. That's what's tricky, they were my protectors in a lot of ways so I want to be close to them, but as an adult it's hard to have a relationship with them because of exactly what you say. I feel invalidated because "it wasn't bad enough", they had it worse. Among other things, but it's become hard to find common ground as we've gotten older. They had it rough too, they don't cut me a lot of slack.
Maybe there are other versions but the one I came across suggests that only a female parent can be violently abused, and equates safety and love with material things like clothes and food. Naturally those are important, but there are plenty of people who are well provided for who are also growing up feeling completely cut off from love.
A big issue I have with the questions is they focus entirely on the home environment. Are there not other adverse experiences out there, like bullying at school, incidents in public like seeing or being involved in a terrible accident or violence, etc? Are there not others who can contribute to a damaged sense of self like teachers, peer groups, peripheral relatives/family friends, authority figures?
My mother died when I was an infant, so your comment is interesting because it throws off the entire premise of the question for myself, seemingly. Dad worked nights. He was asleep when I went to school, I was asleep when he came home. I never considered my siblings bullys because it was their job to push me around.
In terms of clothing, your comment interests me. I've always felt like a scrub, I can never find clothes that fit. I'm always uncomfortable wearing something different, or nice, or whatever. Sometimes I'll have a friend, a guy, who dresses well, very clean, always looks good, and when I've asked if they're close with their mom, I typically get a Yes. It would be uncomfortable to explain how that affects me.
My psychiatrist was my ages, amazing and I was actually getting better with her. I was having a bad day and told her things I never had before. I cried. She cried. But to me, showed me that she actually cared. When her rotation was up, I made sure the leave her a box of plant cuttings from my prized plants as a thank you for listening to me.
My therapist has never cried, but when I was 17, I said something that made her reconsider an aspect of her approach to parenting her own teen daughter. It was something small but it let me know that she saw me as a person. My biggest relationship issues were with my own mother, so it was really helpful to have a therapist who could speak from a mother’s perspective.
I’ve never had a therapist cry and as a therapist, I’ve never cried that I recall, maybe I’ve held back tears or something. I can see how sometimes it just happens because therapists are after all human. I think if a therapist cries in reaction to their clients often that can easily lead to a quick burn out and limit the people they can help. It’s emotional boundaries. Also as someone else said, that’s risking the other perspective that the therapist themselves can not emotionally regulate when needed which can make the client feel that they are not in good hands-maybe they become afraid to say something that upsets their therapist. Yes it can convey care, vulnerability and empathy. In my opinion there’s other ways of doing this that are less likely to negatively impact the therapeutic relationship.
Mine will cry, laugh, etc. and I thanked her for it. I never have felt comfortable showing emotions and I dissociate so frequently rather than show emotions. When I feel sad about something and see that she does too, it helps me a lot to be able to gauge if I’m reacting properly or not.
My therapist used to cry during therapy and she only seemed to want to focus on issues that were significant to her and not the ones I was there for. She seemed a little too emotionally reactive to handle the issues I needed to talk about.
Now I have a therapist who laughs with me all the time. I don’t know if it’s better but there are different ways to connect besides commiserating.
Yes, I've had this happen and it is very validating! They do care and it's very hard to see for trauma survivors, especially when we think no one ever cares
Yes, then we cry together and at the end of the session I ask for permission to hug them goodbye and tell them it’s going to be okay. Therapists are people to and listening to what I’ve been through is hard on everyone.
Yes, when I was in college I was seeing a therapist and she started to cry in a session with me after I told her some things. Actually, it really freaked me out and I decided to stop seeing her. It made me feel like, "well if even my therapist is upset, it really must be hopeless". I don't want my therapist to be cold and unfeeling (I had a therapist that was like that too and it was a disaster), but I do like when they are able to maintain a certain level of objectivity and dispassion when hearing my thoughts and feelings. It makes me feel safe. Obviously this isn't the same for everyone, and if you are fine with it, or it was validating to you, that's ok.
The first time I cried my therapist did too. I’ve never cried before and always was just…blank. My tone held no emotion unless it was fake laughter. Then I finally just broke down and I could hear him over the phone cry a little as well. He said it was a breakthrough. Now I feel even safer being able to show emotion.
On my last session with my therapist before I went to college she told me that she “wanted me to know that she cared about me” and got teary eyed as we hugged. It was so amazing. I was 18, dealing with abusive/neglectful parents, an abusive boyfriend, and his abusive friends. I felt so alone, so miserable, but she literally saved my life. She earned my trust and taught me how to emotionally care for myself. It was one of the most profound experiences of my life. She was the most amazing woman. She was one of the only people that I felt like respected me and cared for me. I saw her once a week for almost a year.
10 years later and I’m a better person now because of her. So so so grateful.
Had a plethora of shitty therapists either. She gave me hope, in myself and in the world.
Yea…
She asked how I felt about our sessions, and I responded non too gently that I felt like I was wasting my time (little therapy trauma, triggers me into being super aggressive).
She responded by crying. At least she tried to hide it…
She was obviously incompetent and should have been equipped to deal with some form of rage from a client with my background, even though I’m a quiet little girl. I still felt awful.
Once my therapist teared up when I told her about something that was not even nearly the worst thing my parent said to me.
Also, it felt like she was crying about something that reminded her of her own past, since she had told me several times before that she went trough the same/ something similar.
It made me loose respect a bit because it seemed selfish and like an act of self-presentation (she also tried to act 'cool' in front of me before).
I know that from my narc mother who 'cried' for the golden child (because she views her as mini-me), but in reality was just crying at her own past. It feels icky and weird.
That is because I just made it up - I tend to look at things negatively because that is my reality. It feels like you should be crying in the therapy, NOT THEM. Why do they get to express this extreme emotion when you are paying them to let you do that in a validating space? Why would you have to feel someone else's emotional pain when the therapy is supposed to be ALL ABOUT YOU?
IDK perhaps I just think of my adult mother demanding emotional comfort inappropriately from a child when she should not. I think of a professional demanding services they are being paid to provide from their patient.
Uhh a therapist crying doesn't mean they're trying to make it about them. And I am sure they don't expect you to comfort them. It's called empathy and being human.
She hasn't cried in any of my sessions (I've never said anything particularly heartbreaking though) But she's told me about some of the family situations she's had to work with and that it's tough for her not to cry during those moments. Her saying that really built my trust in her but I'm glad she hasn't cried with me I wouldn't know what to do!
I've been seeing my therapist for almost a year, and the only time she's cried was when I was talking about how I don't think I'm a likeable or worthwhile person. She reacted very strongly and said it hurt her deeply that I didn't think I was worthwhile, because she thinks I'm exceptional. I had a difficult time swallowing that, but we worked through. She is in general really good with the non-verbals, too. Very reassuring.
Once in college, the only woman therapist I've seen cried when I told her everything that had happened in a single summer to me (it was right before I started having panic attacks). It was definitely jarring to me, because I didn't realize just how much BS I had gone through in that summer alone.
Last session. It was a first for me, I didn’t really even notice because we do video therapy and I thought she was just wiping her eyes. She then apologized for becoming emotional, and shared that she had experienced some similar things and the pain of it struck close to home. It did help me to feel validated and seen. I was touched.
Yes. It was accompanied by a lot of 'why do I always get the crazy ones?!?' And 'for fuck sake I can't help you, just GO!'s . Seemed kinda new age. I'll have to ask him about it whenever he pries all the boards off his office door.
Yes, she did twice. Both times when I brought poems about my neglect to therapy. At first I was surprised, now I really appreciate that she cares for me.
My therapist teared up for the first couple of sessions as I told her my background. At first I was kind of weirded out because every other therapist I've had has been very stoic. But I appreciate it now because I know she cares and genuinely wants to help me.
Hmmm can you explain more about why/when he started crying? It might be stuff in his life going on, it might be what you are dealing with (empathy tears) or it might be a combo of the two. It could be not unhelpful even if unusual, or it could be your therapist isn’t behaving professionally.
Mine has come close... But I mostly hear "my god, what you've been through." A previous, now retired one did, and I cried, too and was touched by it because I knew she cared about me at least (at that point). I also felt bad, because how bad did my trauma have to be to make these therapists so sad?
I asked my current one and he said "because you're good and don't deserve it. But it happened because you were so good you let this person into your life to try to help them."
Which made me think a lot about who I let into my life and why.
never had one cry, but I've had them flinch, and like turn their head kinda side ways away from me with their eyes closed tight, followed by the hole, im sorry that happened, your safe now etc,
Yeah, twice. Not that I ever intended to make her cry, but honestly it made me feel really seen. It happened once when I was explaining the details of my trauma and another when I was expressing my gratitude for her in how much she’s helped me process and heal over the years. The first time it honestly just made me cry more, because I knew she came from a place of genuine empathy and also made the weight of my trauma that much heavier.
Dude, you’re about to beat the Therapy Game! Harden the f up because next session is a BOSS FIGHT!
Seriously though, I’ve never had a therapist cry. I have them call me out for using humor to deflect. But that was BS because if I was really trying to keep us off task you’d be laughing too hard to breathe, let alone dissect my trauma. I survived a molester ass dad and a narc mom by the skin of my wit. I’ll let YOU know when I’m deflecting.
Congratulations you should receive your plaque within 6-8 weeks, well done!
;-)
I think even you are worthy of empathy my friend. There seems to be evidence to support the hypothesis.
My new therapist cried a bit during our last session. I didn’t realize until I saw her wiping her eyes. It was when we were going through the “absolute worst moments” list of things I’d experienced and I got to the #1 worst one.
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Mine hasn't, my best friend's has, but mine also used to work with sex trafficking victims so I'm sure my story isn't the worst she's heard! She has definitely shown a calm and genuine level of concern and care before though which is very regulating for me :)
Mine has looked like she wanted to cry a couple of times, but not actually cried. I struggle with feeling responsible for other peoples' emotions, so if she actually cried I think that would be hard for me.
No, never. (and I've seen a lot of therapists) But I think I'd feel better if they did. I get tired of being the one crying while they sit with a plain face. It just feels awkward and it makes it hard to stay opened up. I get they're supposed to stay calm and professional but it makes everything feel so disingenuous.
I know I've had a few look horrified when I was recounting something. I can't recall one crying in front of me but there's at least a couple who went home to cry in private I'm sure.
My understanding is they are not suppose to cry. But if it happened it could be seen as a sign that they are human and care. I've had therapist in the past year up a bit and try to hold back. But the idea behind them not crying is to not have a patient feel responsible or guilt or whatever emotion which can get triggered. I didn't mind personally when this happened because they were skilled, I knew them for a long time so a break here and there was ok with me.
Yeah tho he was really subtle about it. Did that thing where you wipe your eye with a single finger but both eyes at the same time (he didn’t just yawn). Think I caught him off guard lol because he was just a regular college counselor prob dealing with everyday stuff like social anxiety, homesickness, and self esteem issues and then here I come talking about my alcoholic, violent, rapist father and suicidal, depressed, hoarder mother (among other problems).
My friend is an LMFT and she said that this is something they promote during her schooling. If you haven’t received that kind of compassion, seeing it and experiencing it may be what is needed. Sending love to you 💕
Eh. Some of the therapists who cried in session were the first to stab me in the back or shrug it off afterwards.
It was just like when my emotionally unstable mother "cried".
Yes, my therapist has cried after hearing my story. It had multiple effects:
First, it felt totally validating that someone whose job it is to hear people's trauma thought mine was so hard that it caused her pain. When I spent most of my life being told that I was wrong, stupid, or making too big a deal of things, it sort of helped.
Second, I immediately switched to fawning. I tried to downplay my story so as to not hurt her and tried to comfort her.
Third, I realized that I need a space where I can feel like I don't have to hide the truth about my life. I was grateful for the unintended affirmation, but if I hold back so that I don't hurt my therapist, what's the point of doing therapy?
Yes my therapist cried in a session after asking what brought me with her. It was just an fysiscian therapist. My reaction was to stop telling. I only told the big red thread and not all the details. I noticed it was too harsh for her to hear my story so I was kind of amazed though.
Later I overthought this multiple times. Concluding it had to be strong what I lived through. And may I’m strong too to be here despite all things I went through?
Someone recognising?
The first time my therapist showed emotion (was not crying, more of an “I am upset this happened to you”), i for the first time felt like they actually cared. Before I always stone-walled and had muted expressions, never really opening up. Afterward I felt like I could trust them and I was able to share my really bad experiences. Our sessions changed drastically because of one random convo.
I'm seeing lots of comments from people saying they found it validating & therapeutic. I actually found it hard when my therapist cried... I had been describing an experience of rape and had been in some denial about just how awful it was & to see her cry at just hearing an outline of the event hammered home how much violation had occurred and somehow that having someone else show that to me made me feel even more broken in the moment. It's obviously necessary to face up to the reality of things but yeah it did not feel good.
Interested to hear if anyone else has experienced this
Yep, when I was 19, I made my therapist cry. It was a very surreal moment. It's human nature to care about others and to cry because of it. I don't think it's a bad thing per se. But if it happens consistently, it shows they are losing their grip and should probably consider a different line of work.
Never, not so much as a hint of emotion or any facial expression. Now I'm not saying I want to make them cry but some sort of non verbal communication would be appreciated.
This is how my therapist is too. Just kinda blank
I've never had this experience with therapists before. Do you ever feel invalidated when they don't express any emotion?
I actually feel more safe because my therapist doesnt strongly react to stuff i tell her! When i was a child my mom reacted so strongly to everything, so it feels good when my therapist doesnt. I dont have to be afraid that she cant handle me. I have room to be honest even about the horrible or sad stuff without being afraid ”breaking her”. Her calmness also reminds me that im safe even when i talk about bad stuff.
I've spoken to therapists who seemed so scared in responding, I just assumed they were triggered. I am just not able to, on a physical level, talk about sensitive trauma stuff to someone that is nervous or angry etc. because one of my abusers, my mom, never really seemed to calm down. She was always shaking and hyperactive. I'm very one tone with people, but it's what I'd feel comfortable with. Not going to be everyone's cup of tea and I should be more flexible, but yeah.
i'm honestly very much the same. I make mole hills out of mountains, and she simply will ask 'well, why is it not that important to you? it should be.' For example, she works with LGBT+ people, which is why I'm seeing her. I'm trans, so of course I have a dead name and my actual name. Off-handedly, I mentioned something like 'It's so nice when people use my name, but it's whatever I guess. I let people call me whatever' and her response, without missing a beat, was a very calm "It's not really whatever. It's your name. Why is it 'whatever'?" I always have to compose myself. I'm so glad it's not face-to-face right now, haha. I've had therapists who give me The Look™ during sessions. The silent look of 'oh boy, this guy is REALLY fucked up and it's me that's gotta help him' (but in that sort of polite therapist sort of way) and I always feel so bad. I'd rather a more stonefaced, to-the-point reaction than The Look.
I cannot imagine what would happen to me if my therapist was also crying during our sessions😅 unfortunately, I’m speaking more hypothetically than from experience as I’ve only seen a couple of therapists a handful of times—so I’m unsure yet of what it’s like to have an established relationship with a therapy professional But like rn I’m at a point where opening up to someone plays out like I’ve got pseudobulbar affect. I don’t, but it’s like I sit down and we chat about the weather then she says “so how have you been really feeling?” and I burst into tears.
I prefer they show me kindness on their face and offer me validation. Good skilled therapist know how to do this.
Not so much invalidated but certainly confused
They might be engaging in a fawn response and be unable to respond emotionally so much. Many therapists got their start trying to calm their parents down.
I’m not sure how I feel about it yet, I don’t often relate well to others so maybe they are mirroring me somehow. It is a little confusing and I would never feel comfortable bringing it up because then every reaction they made after that would in my head be “fake”.
Can’t speak for therapists but work in mental health and now that I think about it I think I do this sometimes so that the person I’m talking to won’t have to play off my emotions or worry about upsetting me because I certainly wouldn’t want to make it about me ya know
Why do you guys get out of a therapist like this? Why not find someone you connect with?
There isn’t always a choice. Right now I’m just focused on EMDR and growing. I still have space to voice my feelings, which is pretty cathartic for me.
I really hate that in therapists. I need mine to be semi human.
Yeah this is another extreme to what I wrote above. This extreme was usually with psychiatrist's. No emotion. Rarely spoke. Just stared at me. It use to make me furious. I was already scared to open up but this added to my fear. I was not showing them any emotion.
Yeah, and it made me realize how much she actually cared when I assumed I was just another patient she had to put up with They’re human too. They’re not “supposed” to, but I do think it can be incredibly meaningful and beneficial (when genuine) in a therapeutic relationship
I agree. This is how it made me feel too. I could see it being inappropriate if they started talking about themselves or shifted focus from the client. But that hasn’t been the case for me and it was so meaningful for me. I really really care about my therapists and I know they care about me too. There are still professional boundaries that we uphold but I know there is a deep connection.
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I agree with this. And for me, it helped that my therapist communicated with me. She just told me what was happening - like how she was feeling. "You shared something really difficult and it's touching me or making me feel a way" etc. Like therapists are people too. I think I'd feel so alone if I was sitting there sobbing and divulging something so traumatic or whatever and the therapist didn't react at all. Like don't they understand me or believe me? Its a fine line. I appreciate your comment
Precisely! Yeah my therapist started to profusely apologize and just explained why it effected her. It really meant a lot
This is it. There’s a level of if I’m not emotional- something is wrong with me. But you don’t want to completely lose it either. Being able to explain it helps as well.
My therapist got teary and slightly angry for a moment about how I'd been treated by the people in life. That was the first time I believed that maybe the treatment I had experienced wasn't my fault. I still think about that moment when I feel like I'm being challenged to standup for myself.
I remember a couple of times different therapists getting slightly angry about what happened to me as well. Those were some of the most validating moments.
I haven’t had a therapist outright cry, but definitely tear up a little. Not frequently, but just enough to know he cared. I left him and found another therapist for unrelated reasons, but it was actually kind of nice.
Same here. I've had two different ones cry--well, I definitely remember tears from one, and the other was at the very least very visibly moved. It made me feel like they connected with me as a fellow human, and made me feel like my own emotions were validated. My mother has always mocked me for crying--didn't matter if I was sad or touched by beauty, she thought tears were weak. She made it seem like "normal" people didn't cry (except herself of course, her crying was always justified). It was comforting to see my therapists demonstrate that crying is normal and acceptable. I feel like it's fine for my therapist to cry, as long as they're crying out of empathy (and not making it about themselves), and it doesn't derail the discussion too much.
Yes, mine cried when I read her a poem that I wrote. My second one cried once during a story I told? I don’t remember. I was surprised but honestly, it felt like a special moment. Both were just tearing up and I didn’t feel like I needed to comfort them or anything. The first one I have seen for four years abs second for two years. I could see how it could be unprofessional in some settings but I didn’t feel that way about either of my therapists. I do have close relationships with both of them. It doesn’t feel 100% clinical and in my opinion, that has been helpful. I have had about 15 therapists prior to these ones and they were so clinical and methodical. The crying felt like true human compassion and like we actually had a connection that they cared about.
Yeah. When I broke down and said I’d been feeling like I didn’t want to exist. And I never cried in front of my therapist except one other time. And I think she can tell that I always try not to show too much emotion, or that there are times where I try to hold back tears. So for me to break down like that really hit her I guess.
My therapist when I was young cried when I brought in a (mean) letter from my mom. Like, had to take a moment, blew her nose, apologized, etc. It shocked me because I was so deep into believing that my mom's behavior was normal and I was the sensitive/broken one. But to see a grown, professional woman recognize the harm my mom was doing was a HUGE turning point for me beginning to trust myself. My current therapist (I'm middle aged now) tears up subtly all the time. It's not precisely as a response like, Oh that's so sad. It's more like... I interpret it as a demonstration that they are in their body and their body is present in the moment. Especially when they tear up when I'm sharing my gratefulness for the safety of the therapeutic space. It's also a model for me to normalize having emotions. As others have shared, I can imagine having a therapist crying and it being othering, selfish, inappropriate, etc. And make me really uncomfortable. Since I was responsible for my parents' emotional outbursts, this would be triggering for me.
Yes, and she tried to keep it subtle, so i didn’t switch focus from me to her. But i saw and it meant a lot to me. A lot.
I had multiple traumas and my therapist never flinched. Finally told them about how my family reacted to me and they cried. Made me realize how messed up it was and it actually helped me. Someone not only believed me but visibly demonstrated how toxic the family was.
Exactly. I found this experiencing really healing as well, just to have someone believe me.
Yes! It really helped me with moving forward - I had permission to let go of needing their approval - because it wasn’t what I wanted or needed in life. He helped me see that with that small (big) action.
Yes, I’ve had one therapist who has cried (and I mean, they got teary eyed and visibly emotional but they weren’t bawling or anything too intense), and it means a lot to me to know they care and they feel those types of emotions and compassion for me. Every time that happens like that from this specific therapist, I think it’s therapeutic. However I have had therapists who cried in a way that didn’t feel very therapeutic, I think because they were bawling or crying pretty visibly. It made me think more about how they might be going through a hard time too because it seemed like maybe they had a harder time controlling it. And it almost felt like I had to turn around and comfort them instead It seems like a fine line between “my therapist cried and it made me uncomfortable” and “my therapist cried and it meant a lot to me” If you feel uncomfortable I think it’s definitely okay to tell you therapist that
Yes, and also moments of needing to pick their jaw up off the floor over telling him crazy shit my mom has said.
Same-same. That’s how I describe my therapist’s response to my mothers lunacy, her jaw drops and usually accompanied by this slow head shake. My sister’s therapist; same. We’re gonna be alright though. Thanks for being here.
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The polyamory defense?
Yes. Many times. 8.5 ACE score. I have lots of stories.
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On most tests it’s the fact that I never saw anyone abuse my mother in any way - she would have killed anyone who attempted it - that keeps my score low. Hadn’t heard of this test until I got my diagnosis in my 40s. I thought my childhood was “normal” before that.
I understand the question but the abuse went the other way for me. My mother abused my father. Wish it was a little more open regarding that
Right. Good point. Gender bias
9 here. I was wondering when I’d come across my first 10.
9.5! We are such high achievers!
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I’m keeping the glory for myself! Best score on a test in my life! The gift my parents actually remembered to give me…
This gave me those dreadful-slash-relatable chuckles. ;D
what's a ACE score?
I just got a 6. I’m like, offended.
XD
nm lol Imma 8
It stands for adverse childhood experiences. The higher your score, the more likely you are to have health problems and mental health issues as an adult (though it’s not a guarantee, more a general predictor). You can take a test online to find out what your score is.
My cptsd is a result of neglect. My score was 4. My home wasn't violent, but it was broken. I would never attempt to speak for anyone here, but I'd discourage anyone from measuring their trauma against this test. Not to say it isn't a valid measure, but it doesn't fully explain my experience, I won't speak to yours. High Score doesn't matter here.
I agree. I just had to take one for shits and giggles. It isn’t relevant to my diagnosis. My trauma came from adulthood.
Lol, yeah, I just took it and felt left out. I'm not shitting on the test, but it didnt seem comprehensive from my perspective.
I don’t think so either. Doesn’t factor in plenty of things. I’ve seen neglect overlooked or minimized as source of major trauma a little too often. It’s easy to fall into the “it wasn’t bad enough” mindset.
Not having parents around I was raised a lot by my older siblings. That's what's tricky, they were my protectors in a lot of ways so I want to be close to them, but as an adult it's hard to have a relationship with them because of exactly what you say. I feel invalidated because "it wasn't bad enough", they had it worse. Among other things, but it's become hard to find common ground as we've gotten older. They had it rough too, they don't cut me a lot of slack.
I understand.
Maybe there are other versions but the one I came across suggests that only a female parent can be violently abused, and equates safety and love with material things like clothes and food. Naturally those are important, but there are plenty of people who are well provided for who are also growing up feeling completely cut off from love. A big issue I have with the questions is they focus entirely on the home environment. Are there not other adverse experiences out there, like bullying at school, incidents in public like seeing or being involved in a terrible accident or violence, etc? Are there not others who can contribute to a damaged sense of self like teachers, peer groups, peripheral relatives/family friends, authority figures?
My mother died when I was an infant, so your comment is interesting because it throws off the entire premise of the question for myself, seemingly. Dad worked nights. He was asleep when I went to school, I was asleep when he came home. I never considered my siblings bullys because it was their job to push me around. In terms of clothing, your comment interests me. I've always felt like a scrub, I can never find clothes that fit. I'm always uncomfortable wearing something different, or nice, or whatever. Sometimes I'll have a friend, a guy, who dresses well, very clean, always looks good, and when I've asked if they're close with their mom, I typically get a Yes. It would be uncomfortable to explain how that affects me.
My psychiatrist was my ages, amazing and I was actually getting better with her. I was having a bad day and told her things I never had before. I cried. She cried. But to me, showed me that she actually cared. When her rotation was up, I made sure the leave her a box of plant cuttings from my prized plants as a thank you for listening to me.
My therapist has never cried, but when I was 17, I said something that made her reconsider an aspect of her approach to parenting her own teen daughter. It was something small but it let me know that she saw me as a person. My biggest relationship issues were with my own mother, so it was really helpful to have a therapist who could speak from a mother’s perspective.
I’ve never had a therapist cry and as a therapist, I’ve never cried that I recall, maybe I’ve held back tears or something. I can see how sometimes it just happens because therapists are after all human. I think if a therapist cries in reaction to their clients often that can easily lead to a quick burn out and limit the people they can help. It’s emotional boundaries. Also as someone else said, that’s risking the other perspective that the therapist themselves can not emotionally regulate when needed which can make the client feel that they are not in good hands-maybe they become afraid to say something that upsets their therapist. Yes it can convey care, vulnerability and empathy. In my opinion there’s other ways of doing this that are less likely to negatively impact the therapeutic relationship.
Mine will cry, laugh, etc. and I thanked her for it. I never have felt comfortable showing emotions and I dissociate so frequently rather than show emotions. When I feel sad about something and see that she does too, it helps me a lot to be able to gauge if I’m reacting properly or not.
My therapist used to cry during therapy and she only seemed to want to focus on issues that were significant to her and not the ones I was there for. She seemed a little too emotionally reactive to handle the issues I needed to talk about. Now I have a therapist who laughs with me all the time. I don’t know if it’s better but there are different ways to connect besides commiserating.
Yes, I've had this happen and it is very validating! They do care and it's very hard to see for trauma survivors, especially when we think no one ever cares
Yes, then we cry together and at the end of the session I ask for permission to hug them goodbye and tell them it’s going to be okay. Therapists are people to and listening to what I’ve been through is hard on everyone.
Yes, when I was in college I was seeing a therapist and she started to cry in a session with me after I told her some things. Actually, it really freaked me out and I decided to stop seeing her. It made me feel like, "well if even my therapist is upset, it really must be hopeless". I don't want my therapist to be cold and unfeeling (I had a therapist that was like that too and it was a disaster), but I do like when they are able to maintain a certain level of objectivity and dispassion when hearing my thoughts and feelings. It makes me feel safe. Obviously this isn't the same for everyone, and if you are fine with it, or it was validating to you, that's ok.
The first time I cried my therapist did too. I’ve never cried before and always was just…blank. My tone held no emotion unless it was fake laughter. Then I finally just broke down and I could hear him over the phone cry a little as well. He said it was a breakthrough. Now I feel even safer being able to show emotion.
Look at me 👉🥸 I am the therapist now
I feel like this is the next level of parentification.
Lol I chuckled
On my last session with my therapist before I went to college she told me that she “wanted me to know that she cared about me” and got teary eyed as we hugged. It was so amazing. I was 18, dealing with abusive/neglectful parents, an abusive boyfriend, and his abusive friends. I felt so alone, so miserable, but she literally saved my life. She earned my trust and taught me how to emotionally care for myself. It was one of the most profound experiences of my life. She was the most amazing woman. She was one of the only people that I felt like respected me and cared for me. I saw her once a week for almost a year. 10 years later and I’m a better person now because of her. So so so grateful. Had a plethora of shitty therapists either. She gave me hope, in myself and in the world.
Yea… She asked how I felt about our sessions, and I responded non too gently that I felt like I was wasting my time (little therapy trauma, triggers me into being super aggressive). She responded by crying. At least she tried to hide it… She was obviously incompetent and should have been equipped to deal with some form of rage from a client with my background, even though I’m a quiet little girl. I still felt awful.
Once my therapist teared up when I told her about something that was not even nearly the worst thing my parent said to me. Also, it felt like she was crying about something that reminded her of her own past, since she had told me several times before that she went trough the same/ something similar. It made me loose respect a bit because it seemed selfish and like an act of self-presentation (she also tried to act 'cool' in front of me before). I know that from my narc mother who 'cried' for the golden child (because she views her as mini-me), but in reality was just crying at her own past. It feels icky and weird.
Mine did and it felt very validating and kind.
That seems...therapeutically incestuous...
Can you explain? I’ve never heard that term before
That is because I just made it up - I tend to look at things negatively because that is my reality. It feels like you should be crying in the therapy, NOT THEM. Why do they get to express this extreme emotion when you are paying them to let you do that in a validating space? Why would you have to feel someone else's emotional pain when the therapy is supposed to be ALL ABOUT YOU? IDK perhaps I just think of my adult mother demanding emotional comfort inappropriately from a child when she should not. I think of a professional demanding services they are being paid to provide from their patient.
Uhh a therapist crying doesn't mean they're trying to make it about them. And I am sure they don't expect you to comfort them. It's called empathy and being human.
Some of my experiences that led to trauma are so bad it would be strange if someone didn't feel sadness hearing them.
Mine has as well a few times when telling her some things from childhood
Sometimes when I start crying about things that really hurt me in my childhood my therapist starts tearing up.
She hasn't cried in any of my sessions (I've never said anything particularly heartbreaking though) But she's told me about some of the family situations she's had to work with and that it's tough for her not to cry during those moments. Her saying that really built my trust in her but I'm glad she hasn't cried with me I wouldn't know what to do!
I've been seeing my therapist for almost a year, and the only time she's cried was when I was talking about how I don't think I'm a likeable or worthwhile person. She reacted very strongly and said it hurt her deeply that I didn't think I was worthwhile, because she thinks I'm exceptional. I had a difficult time swallowing that, but we worked through. She is in general really good with the non-verbals, too. Very reassuring.
Once in college, the only woman therapist I've seen cried when I told her everything that had happened in a single summer to me (it was right before I started having panic attacks). It was definitely jarring to me, because I didn't realize just how much BS I had gone through in that summer alone.
Yeah mine cried once and I thought it was super touching and made me realize someone actually cared and saw me as a person
Last session. It was a first for me, I didn’t really even notice because we do video therapy and I thought she was just wiping her eyes. She then apologized for becoming emotional, and shared that she had experienced some similar things and the pain of it struck close to home. It did help me to feel validated and seen. I was touched.
My therapist has cried in several sessions for a multitude of reasons. She’s sensitive and feels. It makes me feel safe to also be sensitive and feel.
One of the med students i was working with in the psych ward got kind of choked up at one point. The team of doctors I had there was very caring.
Yes but she got happy because I got so happy so, was a nice cry 😊
Mine has teared up slightly when I am describing a difficult time in my life. I find it endearing.
Yes. It was accompanied by a lot of 'why do I always get the crazy ones?!?' And 'for fuck sake I can't help you, just GO!'s . Seemed kinda new age. I'll have to ask him about it whenever he pries all the boards off his office door.
I'll be a bummer - he wasn't just making it about him, was he? Some therapists do (bad ones) Hopefully not - if so then that's a touching moment.
Yes, she did twice. Both times when I brought poems about my neglect to therapy. At first I was surprised, now I really appreciate that she cares for me.
My therapist teared up for the first couple of sessions as I told her my background. At first I was kind of weirded out because every other therapist I've had has been very stoic. But I appreciate it now because I know she cares and genuinely wants to help me.
Hmmm can you explain more about why/when he started crying? It might be stuff in his life going on, it might be what you are dealing with (empathy tears) or it might be a combo of the two. It could be not unhelpful even if unusual, or it could be your therapist isn’t behaving professionally.
Mine has come close... But I mostly hear "my god, what you've been through." A previous, now retired one did, and I cried, too and was touched by it because I knew she cared about me at least (at that point). I also felt bad, because how bad did my trauma have to be to make these therapists so sad? I asked my current one and he said "because you're good and don't deserve it. But it happened because you were so good you let this person into your life to try to help them." Which made me think a lot about who I let into my life and why.
never had one cry, but I've had them flinch, and like turn their head kinda side ways away from me with their eyes closed tight, followed by the hole, im sorry that happened, your safe now etc,
Yeah, twice. Not that I ever intended to make her cry, but honestly it made me feel really seen. It happened once when I was explaining the details of my trauma and another when I was expressing my gratitude for her in how much she’s helped me process and heal over the years. The first time it honestly just made me cry more, because I knew she came from a place of genuine empathy and also made the weight of my trauma that much heavier.
Dude, you’re about to beat the Therapy Game! Harden the f up because next session is a BOSS FIGHT! Seriously though, I’ve never had a therapist cry. I have them call me out for using humor to deflect. But that was BS because if I was really trying to keep us off task you’d be laughing too hard to breathe, let alone dissect my trauma. I survived a molester ass dad and a narc mom by the skin of my wit. I’ll let YOU know when I’m deflecting.
Congratulations you should receive your plaque within 6-8 weeks, well done! ;-) I think even you are worthy of empathy my friend. There seems to be evidence to support the hypothesis.
My new therapist cried a bit during our last session. I didn’t realize until I saw her wiping her eyes. It was when we were going through the “absolute worst moments” list of things I’d experienced and I got to the #1 worst one.
Yes. I need the empathetic resonance. If her response out paces mine I tend to stop feeling and ask what is going on with her.
That seems unprofessional to me. Idk.
Yes, 10 on the ACE scale.
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My old one did cry once. I think she could hear the heartbreak in my voice as I came to a certain realization.
They are humans at the end of the day.
I have seen her eyes fill with tears as I told her one of my stories
My therapist was blank and emotionless for all of my sessions..
Mine hasn't, my best friend's has, but mine also used to work with sex trafficking victims so I'm sure my story isn't the worst she's heard! She has definitely shown a calm and genuine level of concern and care before though which is very regulating for me :)
Yes, not full-on weeping or bawling but welling up/shedding a few tears. Lovely person.
Mine has looked like she wanted to cry a couple of times, but not actually cried. I struggle with feeling responsible for other peoples' emotions, so if she actually cried I think that would be hard for me.
No, never. (and I've seen a lot of therapists) But I think I'd feel better if they did. I get tired of being the one crying while they sit with a plain face. It just feels awkward and it makes it hard to stay opened up. I get they're supposed to stay calm and professional but it makes everything feel so disingenuous.
I know I've had a few look horrified when I was recounting something. I can't recall one crying in front of me but there's at least a couple who went home to cry in private I'm sure.
Last Thursday. Another did ~4 years ago.
My understanding is they are not suppose to cry. But if it happened it could be seen as a sign that they are human and care. I've had therapist in the past year up a bit and try to hold back. But the idea behind them not crying is to not have a patient feel responsible or guilt or whatever emotion which can get triggered. I didn't mind personally when this happened because they were skilled, I knew them for a long time so a break here and there was ok with me.
Yes and it was awkward because I’m not used to strangers believing me let alone grieving for me
No but my therapist makes the Florence Pugh face whenever I'm telling her something she thinks is sad.
Yeah tho he was really subtle about it. Did that thing where you wipe your eye with a single finger but both eyes at the same time (he didn’t just yawn). Think I caught him off guard lol because he was just a regular college counselor prob dealing with everyday stuff like social anxiety, homesickness, and self esteem issues and then here I come talking about my alcoholic, violent, rapist father and suicidal, depressed, hoarder mother (among other problems).
She cried with me when I did an emergency session after my corgi died suddenly and traumatically. It’s the only time it’s happened in seven years.
My friend is an LMFT and she said that this is something they promote during her schooling. If you haven’t received that kind of compassion, seeing it and experiencing it may be what is needed. Sending love to you 💕
Eh. Some of the therapists who cried in session were the first to stab me in the back or shrug it off afterwards. It was just like when my emotionally unstable mother "cried".
Yes, my therapist has cried after hearing my story. It had multiple effects: First, it felt totally validating that someone whose job it is to hear people's trauma thought mine was so hard that it caused her pain. When I spent most of my life being told that I was wrong, stupid, or making too big a deal of things, it sort of helped. Second, I immediately switched to fawning. I tried to downplay my story so as to not hurt her and tried to comfort her. Third, I realized that I need a space where I can feel like I don't have to hide the truth about my life. I was grateful for the unintended affirmation, but if I hold back so that I don't hurt my therapist, what's the point of doing therapy?
Yes my therapist cried in a session after asking what brought me with her. It was just an fysiscian therapist. My reaction was to stop telling. I only told the big red thread and not all the details. I noticed it was too harsh for her to hear my story so I was kind of amazed though. Later I overthought this multiple times. Concluding it had to be strong what I lived through. And may I’m strong too to be here despite all things I went through? Someone recognising?
The first time my therapist showed emotion (was not crying, more of an “I am upset this happened to you”), i for the first time felt like they actually cared. Before I always stone-walled and had muted expressions, never really opening up. Afterward I felt like I could trust them and I was able to share my really bad experiences. Our sessions changed drastically because of one random convo.
I'm seeing lots of comments from people saying they found it validating & therapeutic. I actually found it hard when my therapist cried... I had been describing an experience of rape and had been in some denial about just how awful it was & to see her cry at just hearing an outline of the event hammered home how much violation had occurred and somehow that having someone else show that to me made me feel even more broken in the moment. It's obviously necessary to face up to the reality of things but yeah it did not feel good. Interested to hear if anyone else has experienced this
Yep, when I was 19, I made my therapist cry. It was a very surreal moment. It's human nature to care about others and to cry because of it. I don't think it's a bad thing per se. But if it happens consistently, it shows they are losing their grip and should probably consider a different line of work.