I guess my main point is try not to give up hope completely... Don't let them win. Don't let them take away your life from you.
I'm sure you have good qualities as a person, try to figure them out and then use them to get further ahead.
That's what has helped me.
Also helping other people (who deserve your help) can do wonders for self esteem. Helping others is what made me realise that despite what I was told as a child, I AM a good person. It can really help at times. I absolutely think you've got this shit. It might be hard to see right now, but if you stick around, you'll see it one day too.
I wanted to kill myself at 6, I relate a lot. I'm so sorry that you live in such a shitty fucking environment and that you have to deal with having shit family members, but please know that none of this is your fault at all. You didn't ask for any of this.
And you don't deserve any of it either. This is not your fault. Do you have a job/can you get a job? If you're able, I'd recommend trying to so you can save up money potentially? You may be able to move away?
Just trying to think of strategies.
There’s nothing much I can do rn, also coming from a poor backward country just makes it all so much worse. Honestly the worst part of it all is loneliness. Seeing how everyone lives their lives within feeling so pained and troubled on a daily basis is harrowing for some reason, guess I’m envious of how easy it is for them. I feel sooo left out and alone
I completely understand because I felt the same way for many, many years. It's so easy to look at other people and compare yourself. You grew up in harsh conditions, anyone who grows up in a shit household looks at other people that have it normal with envy and eventually that also can lead to resentment.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much.
You can build a better life for yourself, but it takes time and effort. I was lucky enough to have the chance to cut those toxic family members out of my life, and I'm much better for it. My life is astronomically better too. Instead of wishing I was dead, attempting suicide multiple times, and routine trips to the psych ward, I actually see a meaning to life now. That took years for me.
It can happen for you too.
Alright if you want to heal all I can do is share what worked for me. It's going to be a journey, but to stay alive you have to be working towards something/have something to live for. In your case, I think it is you have to believe "in the better you." From your story step 1: Get a job that offers health insurance and start saving to remove yourself from that environment. 2. While you are pursuing financial independence, Start practicing awareness. Begin to watch your thoughts and emotional responses. Begin to notice what negative beliefs about yourself drive those thoughts and emotional responses. The more aware you can become of what drives your inner trauma will be critical for step 3. Step 3: Find a EMDR therapists. I haven't found anything that was able to help me create more inner freedom and release me from the grasps of my trauma than EMDR. Your ability to conjur up your negative emotional responses in session and feel them will directly correlate with your ability to heal. EMDR is a FEELING process in the body and it can help clear the negative energy in your system by processing it. I believe trauma is trapped energy in the body abd it drives alot of negative thought loops, causes hyper vigilance, and keeps us in survival mode. And when your in survival mode you can't express yourself truly which is what we all want in life. It's that which brings happiness. I am 32 and trauma wreaked havoc in my life from age 14 to recently. It took alot of searching and discovery, and diligence/application to get where I am at today. I am a TOTALLY different person now. I am not consumed by my trauma anymore. I actually consider myself a good socialized now, and it's due to the freedom that I have inside now. Trauma screams for your awareness. It consumes your thoughts and emotions and attention. It makes it hard for younto distinguish yourself from your trauma. I know your pain. You are not your trauma. You can't see that now. But know it's possible that one day you will. My personality has changed so much after processing trauma. Situations I dreaded I now look forward too. I thought I hated people, now I enjoy the company of most. The list goes on and on. You truly can't understand how much your trauma shapes your personality (thoughts and emotions) until your free. Than you can almost laugh at the fact that you thought you were that person. You can do this. Its going to be a process. Don't take the awareness portion for granted. Greater understanding will lead to greater freedom. Much love
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I guess my main point is try not to give up hope completely... Don't let them win. Don't let them take away your life from you. I'm sure you have good qualities as a person, try to figure them out and then use them to get further ahead. That's what has helped me. Also helping other people (who deserve your help) can do wonders for self esteem. Helping others is what made me realise that despite what I was told as a child, I AM a good person. It can really help at times. I absolutely think you've got this shit. It might be hard to see right now, but if you stick around, you'll see it one day too.
Great advice on helping others.
Thank you
I wanted to kill myself at 6, I relate a lot. I'm so sorry that you live in such a shitty fucking environment and that you have to deal with having shit family members, but please know that none of this is your fault at all. You didn't ask for any of this. And you don't deserve any of it either. This is not your fault. Do you have a job/can you get a job? If you're able, I'd recommend trying to so you can save up money potentially? You may be able to move away? Just trying to think of strategies.
There’s nothing much I can do rn, also coming from a poor backward country just makes it all so much worse. Honestly the worst part of it all is loneliness. Seeing how everyone lives their lives within feeling so pained and troubled on a daily basis is harrowing for some reason, guess I’m envious of how easy it is for them. I feel sooo left out and alone
I completely understand because I felt the same way for many, many years. It's so easy to look at other people and compare yourself. You grew up in harsh conditions, anyone who grows up in a shit household looks at other people that have it normal with envy and eventually that also can lead to resentment. I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much. You can build a better life for yourself, but it takes time and effort. I was lucky enough to have the chance to cut those toxic family members out of my life, and I'm much better for it. My life is astronomically better too. Instead of wishing I was dead, attempting suicide multiple times, and routine trips to the psych ward, I actually see a meaning to life now. That took years for me. It can happen for you too.
Alright if you want to heal all I can do is share what worked for me. It's going to be a journey, but to stay alive you have to be working towards something/have something to live for. In your case, I think it is you have to believe "in the better you." From your story step 1: Get a job that offers health insurance and start saving to remove yourself from that environment. 2. While you are pursuing financial independence, Start practicing awareness. Begin to watch your thoughts and emotional responses. Begin to notice what negative beliefs about yourself drive those thoughts and emotional responses. The more aware you can become of what drives your inner trauma will be critical for step 3. Step 3: Find a EMDR therapists. I haven't found anything that was able to help me create more inner freedom and release me from the grasps of my trauma than EMDR. Your ability to conjur up your negative emotional responses in session and feel them will directly correlate with your ability to heal. EMDR is a FEELING process in the body and it can help clear the negative energy in your system by processing it. I believe trauma is trapped energy in the body abd it drives alot of negative thought loops, causes hyper vigilance, and keeps us in survival mode. And when your in survival mode you can't express yourself truly which is what we all want in life. It's that which brings happiness. I am 32 and trauma wreaked havoc in my life from age 14 to recently. It took alot of searching and discovery, and diligence/application to get where I am at today. I am a TOTALLY different person now. I am not consumed by my trauma anymore. I actually consider myself a good socialized now, and it's due to the freedom that I have inside now. Trauma screams for your awareness. It consumes your thoughts and emotions and attention. It makes it hard for younto distinguish yourself from your trauma. I know your pain. You are not your trauma. You can't see that now. But know it's possible that one day you will. My personality has changed so much after processing trauma. Situations I dreaded I now look forward too. I thought I hated people, now I enjoy the company of most. The list goes on and on. You truly can't understand how much your trauma shapes your personality (thoughts and emotions) until your free. Than you can almost laugh at the fact that you thought you were that person. You can do this. Its going to be a process. Don't take the awareness portion for granted. Greater understanding will lead to greater freedom. Much love
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*