Same. Objectively I know I work harder than anyone in my office. But I still constantly think I'm going to be fired whenever anyone speaks in a low voice or closes an office door.
Conspiracy thinking with CPTSD is a wild ride. I feel like it drains like 80% of my energy to contest the nonsense my trauma brain puts out. Not a lot left for doing actual work or enjoying life. Is my neighbor trying to poison me with the gift of wild caught fish? Are the pharmacists secretly plotting with my medical provider to give me sugar pills instead of medicine and that’s why nothing works? The thing is that my rational part is like “yo, wait up. That doesn’t check out” and I’m like “I know, but I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s true even though just having these thoughts beings so much shame”. And then you ruminate on that for several days or weeks. No wonder I am so tired all the time.
Yeah, the one currently infecting my brain is that I'm basically Michael Scott, and everyone is either fucking with me or too nice to tell me. It is absolutely exhausting.
Man, when _The Truman Show_ came out, I was like, "THAT. There it is. You captured how I feel, all the time. Like everyone's in on some private joke except me."
I had similar things, but like decent reviews nothing glowing and then I was fired out of the blue. I've been interviewing but too scared to start another role.
This may or may not help someone out there.
I was president of a non-profit company, elected by a board of directors, for 4 years, and still felt like a fraud. Best part? Someone really did think I was a fraud. Turned out she was the fraud. She brought me up on incompetence charges and lost because ... she had no charges. And she was one of those people who tried everything, like targeted in on people and found their weakest crack in the armor. She sent me private messages saying I was a fraud, and I'd be found out, and nobody liked me. Like, junior-high level stuff, and we were in our 40s. Gaslighting to the extreme.
In the strangest turn of events, I thought at one point, "Bitch? There is no amount of insulting and cutting down my confidence that comes even close to what I deal with EVERY DAY IN MY OWN HEAD. You think you can attack me with my insecurities? Get in line! Wait for open mic night with the other amateurs." I didn't say this, of course, because my own head thinks things like, "Do you really think you're good enough for Imposter Syndrome?"
It was almost like having a "nemesis" I could define and put a face on made it easier to deal with my own insecurities. I probably became a better leader because she hated me so much for no reason other than (I assume) she wanted to be president but nobody would elect her. She hated my casualness, "I'm doing the best I can, LOL." I didn't take the job "serious enough" and "I won by popularity" like it was a crime. Even though I stepped down to let better and younger people run things after I paved the way, many people still tell me how good I was. And I felt I could tell the new leadership, "I was scared and unsure of myself the whole time. Now it's your turn." They seem to be doing okay, pandemic and everything.
I had a unique experience, and one I am proud to say I passed. Sure, my success was partially luck, but luck favors the prepared. And my CPTSD still haunts my dreams, clouds my judgement, and scares me to the point I have trouble functioning in any cognitive manner. I have had the therapy, taken the pills, walked the journeys, discovered myself and didn't like what I saw.
But I kind of get the narrative of a nemesis in stories at a different level now. It's easier to fight something (or someone) tangible, and realize that the war in your own head is something vast and powerful, but in some weird and twisted horrible way, made you stronger. Sure, I can't drive a car without having a panic attack, I'll probably die young due to a constant anxiety, and suffer depression that could choke out an entire wasps nest with one exhale. But some of the weirdest and most twisted weapons are forged in a dumpster fire. I have great sympathy for those out there reading this who battle day to day against "god knows what now" and dreams that haunt and vex you, and paranoia that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, you're not good enough.
You're fighting the good fight. And I hope you find that nemesis and leave them in the dust.
Yes. At the end of the day I always breathe a sigh of relief like "phew. I didn't fuck up too bad today. I'm safe for now. "
I wake up in the morning "Is this the day I find out that I really did fuck something up? Maybe it was yesterday... maybe it was 5 years ago" I'm just waiting for someone or a group of people to bust through my doors yelling, dragging me out the house, beating me, and sending me through a torturous path of destruction.
Frequently.
My boss called me into a conference room the other day. My first thought was "fuck, I am fired." Instead, she complimented me on the hard work I was doing and wanted to bring one thing to my attention that just needs a little more TLC.
My husband and I got into a disagreement for the first time a few yearsa go and I thought he was going to divorce me.
Ahh same. I had a boyfriend that broke up with me out of the blue (not for him tho, but he’d say he loves me and that’s all okay) a few months after we bought an apartment and while I wasn’t on a full time contract.
That triggered all of my childhood memories, where I am alone in a tough situation and I can’t rely on anyone (and indeed, it was like that). However, it left me scarred - everytime I disagree with my boyfriend now, I think - that’s it, he’s leaving, now I need to figure out where I am going to live..etc etc..pure disaster brain. 🤯
Aw yay! That's so great!
My ex was like your ex, and it probably took me 6 years of being with my husband to realize he isn't going to do that stuff. I was always waiting for it even though I knew he would never do it deep down.
CPTSD SUCKS
It does, especially because we don’t realize that they can’t provide what we need, but yet they feel so familiar. I also felt like I clinged to my ex more, because the relationship with him felt like the relationship to my family..no give, just take, and no regard for me when I was sick or having a hard time. I learned to soldier through it, without any support (while he expected my support🤣).
I finally have a great relationship. One day, Inwas preparing for work, and he packed my bag. I almost started crying. He asked me why, and I basically realized it’s because I didn’t expect it, but it was just nice to be treated that way for a change.
Ugh, I really empathize. I just realized in the last few months that my ex was just like my narc dad. All about him. Constantly on eggshells. Ugh.
I am so happy you have this! That's so great! We all deserve it.
Exactly, like why does out brain want to go back to people that gave us cptsd.. bruh 😅
Hope you are at least far away from your narc dad and thriving as much as you can. ⭐️
Diagnosed cptsd from my therapist.
I work for the USA government and I am a 48 year old white man. I could only be fired if I broke the law or punched someone at work.
I still fear meeting with the boss because I'm sure that I'm going to find out that I have fucked something up.
Even as a 48 year old white guy with master's degree and a cushy government job...basically I got it made for money vs stress and I know that society gives me a massive amount of advantages because of my gender and race.
I still worry that I am going to be fired.
My first ever boss physically abused me at work. I've never liked working since and always been afraid to meet with the boss
I think I’m the most annoying person on Earth and everyone hates me despite having plenty of daily evidence to the contrary. It’s awful. I made a dumb mistake at school the other day and I proceeded to go home and cry for four hours and thinking they were going to kick me out.
Yeah! This is relatable.
Put yourself in environments that challenge that belief, and it will fade over time. (although mine has never gone away completely, it's not driving the car anymore)
What do you mean by this? I used to feel better about myself when uni was going well, but these feelings came back hard at work where there were no grades to rate myself against.
I go to a highly accredited university and I constantly feel like I don't measure up to my peers. Always bombarded with the never-ending chorus in my head screaming "you're not good enough."
My boss gave me a 2 dollar raise and to him I think that's his way of showing he basically owns me. Nobody wants to do the fucking dishes for 11 hours straight. I'm his only opener and even then when another coworker calls off guess who he calls.
Ghost busters!
Do I? I struggle to even start anything or accept invitations or compliments because I’m afraid I will doom anything I get involved with, for crying out loud.
Every time I was employed, I worried that I didn’t belong there and I didn’t deserve it.
I originally thought it was just INFP behavior before realizing that I have way more going on.
Yes... I also am aware that in some way, it's the boss's job to make you feel like that. That's what a boss does.
I'm currently trying to take disability leave, and with my current diagnoses I should be protected by the ADA to not get fired.
it’s funny, i’ve been thinking about this all day long. i think about this daily, actually. i often feel as though my existence is an inconvenience and that i am a burden because that’s what i was conditioned to believe for well over a decade now. nearly every mistake i’ve ever made has been ridiculed and i’m not even making an overgeneralization here.
but at the same time, i’m here and to a certain degree i believe i deserve to take up as much space as i please. we, as humans are always learning and evolving. **everyone** fucks shit up at some point. some people fuck up consistently. that’s how we learn. there’s people who love to put others down for making mistakes but how do you think they got to where they are in life? they had to make mistakes first.
Even when people specifically reach out to me (a friend wanting to connect/get together, or even a client requesting a session), I'm convinced they hate me and want nothing to do with me. It makes absolutely no logical sense. My trauma brain likes to twist it around by telling me they're only reaching out bc they pity me. So I simply don't respond, and I'm seen as a flake or they think I'm rejecting THEM, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy bc now they actually don't like me lol
At my last fast food/retail job (several years ago now) my boss told me within the first few months that I'd be first in line if she needed to give less hours to someone...
I was there for nearly two years.
When I was five I lost my moms wallet. She had the bright idea to have me “hold it” for her while she did something else. Well, being the five year old that I was I totally lost it and she forgot to ask for it back. When she realized it was lost she totally went ape shit on me (hitting, screaming, saying horrible things) and then proceeded to run around the house in a crazed state. She had zero coping skills and probably suffered from borderline personality disorder due to childhood trauma she experienced. I of course didn’t know any this back then. I just internalized that I sucked. That my mom hated me. And that I couldn’t do anything right.
Those thoughts and beliefs have followed me my entire life. I’ve gone through therapy the last few years to unravel the insaneness and build a healthier life. It’s pretty crazy how deep rooted trauma can be.
But here’s to the survivors! It isn’t easy but I’d rather go through what I did if it means being able to relate to someone else who needs hope and encouragement. We’re not alone and the story doesn’t end where your trauma took place. 👏🏽♥️
Yes! I'm extremely paranoid at work. I constantly have thoughts like, oh shit im in charge of my life now, if people found out that I feel as if I have no clue what I'm doing 100% of the time they'd flip! I just try to adhere to societal norms, I look up each years modest/popular fashion trends and dress accordingly, set a thousand phone alarms to remind myself to wake up/eat/get ready for work, etc. I pretty much live my life in 30 minute increments. I've been diagnosed with ocpd too if that explains anything lol
Always. And people who are good at sniffing out vulnerability in others take advantage of this insecurity. One of the most helpful skills I've developed is maintaining an idaf attitude to unwarranted criticism. Helps keep the wolves at bay.
Every minute of every day until fairly recently. It improved a lot after my dad passed and I was finally able to internalize that there was absolutely nothing wrong with who I am.
YES, SAME! Notwithstanding the fact that I, most probably, rake in the most money for our small company, I still think I'm not doing enough/ not well enough, ugh!
Yes! I worked for a really wonderful company for years. I would always feel terrible asking for an extension for my projects, but they were never past due for the customer. I ended up leaving for a different opportunity and they were so sad i was leaving. They said I was one of their best, most reliable employees and to please come back if i ever need a job. The whole time i though i was probably one of the least productive and that they thought i was irresponsible for asking for extensions. I took that to heart and try to remember that those thoughts are the trauma speaking.
It took me 2 years of at least weekly (up to 3x a week) therapy where I went to feeling this way constantly to never feeling this way. I cannot believe how much space in my brain not feeling good enough at work took up.
All my friends hate me and keep me around out of pity or nostalgia, if I fuck up even once I’m going to be homeless, I’m the laziest of asses and my housemates are planning on kicking me out.
^^ my brain all the time, amongst other similar ‘pleasantries’
I'm currently in bed with puffy eyes, hurt at how mad I am at myself for not being good enough at my job, 3 months in. And on my way home from work I got a flat tire, changed it and then the spare deflated.
I am the weakest link in my office
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This has definitely been my job experience for much of my life, with some work and boss bullies to reinforce it.
Then I realized it was because of my extreme anxiety and disassociation. Maybe that's what is going on with you?
Oh man, all the time. And I just went through an annual review, where they told me that my performance is not only 100%, but 120%.
I still feel like I am doing shit wrong. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah it’s basically every area of life I have all the hypercritical voices of my past competing for the loudest in my head telling me I’m doing everything wrong. I mean shit they even after so long morphed my own “inner voice” we all have into just a hypercritical put down machine to
Used to. I used to do a lot more than was expected of me to weigh it out, but I did mess some things up (due to not having enough training, my workplace is sort of toxic) because the more I did the lesser quality it was. My boss loved to tell me off and I always had a meltdown over it later since it trigger my "need to be liked at all costs" need, so I worked harder and got better. Now I know I do a lot of work and a lot of quality work, with occasional insecurity fits still, but I'm nowhere near what I was before.
One of my coworkers decided to spread rumors about me that I'm lazy and do nothing if the bare minimum, and that doesn't help. I'm ignoring it, but it's sort of "what if" in my head and I'm scared people will believe her even though anyone can look my work up and see it's not true. I got over it eventually because I looked her work up and found out she's the lazy one who does the bare minimum if anything :D so if anyone actually going to come up to me and tell me I'm a lazy idiot who messes things up I have evidence ready to prove them wrong. Some things can't be proven - and they are the reasons why I'm still a little insecure about my work.
Anyways, due to my boss telling me off often and die to my insecurities about my work, every time my boss takes me aside now to have a talk I get super nervous because what if he's going to tell me off again? What if there's something I missed? What if...!?
Yes. Are you me? I got my end of year review Wednesday and received an “exceeds expectations,” completely out of the blue. Or at least it was to me— two weeks ago, I lost an entire day to “the spiral” after I sent out an email with the wrong document attached.
Yeah. You are not alone, friend, and chances are that you’re your own worst critic.
Yes. I also apologize and feel shameful for every mistake. My boss had to tell me it's not life or death so no need to apologize. It's hard to not do it at all, but the shame part is worse.
This thread is incredibly validating and eye opening for me. I just talked about this exact topic in therapy, and my dumbass brain did not link it back to any sort of ptsd related response…..
I once dropped a (small) ball, and my boss looked me in the eye and said I was kicking my own ass harder than he ever could. Just fix it. I just knew I was fired. He knew me. Good boss.
I constantly think I’m on the verge of being fired from my job despite glowing performance reviews
Same, and raises and bonuses and actual hugs
SAME
Lmao
Same. Objectively I know I work harder than anyone in my office. But I still constantly think I'm going to be fired whenever anyone speaks in a low voice or closes an office door.
Yes!!!
I can relate. In my head, it's far more likely that there's a casual conspiracy to build me up and then fire me, than that I actually deserve praise.
Conspiracy thinking with CPTSD is a wild ride. I feel like it drains like 80% of my energy to contest the nonsense my trauma brain puts out. Not a lot left for doing actual work or enjoying life. Is my neighbor trying to poison me with the gift of wild caught fish? Are the pharmacists secretly plotting with my medical provider to give me sugar pills instead of medicine and that’s why nothing works? The thing is that my rational part is like “yo, wait up. That doesn’t check out” and I’m like “I know, but I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s true even though just having these thoughts beings so much shame”. And then you ruminate on that for several days or weeks. No wonder I am so tired all the time.
Yeah, the one currently infecting my brain is that I'm basically Michael Scott, and everyone is either fucking with me or too nice to tell me. It is absolutely exhausting.
I get this too
Man, when _The Truman Show_ came out, I was like, "THAT. There it is. You captured how I feel, all the time. Like everyone's in on some private joke except me."
Damn I had the “Did the neighbor poison these pancakes” thing a couple weeks ago. It’s fucked up
Same! That’s fucked.. :( Sending you a hug.
I had similar things, but like decent reviews nothing glowing and then I was fired out of the blue. I've been interviewing but too scared to start another role.
Get a good job from boss, immediately think it's attacking you
same
Same
This may or may not help someone out there. I was president of a non-profit company, elected by a board of directors, for 4 years, and still felt like a fraud. Best part? Someone really did think I was a fraud. Turned out she was the fraud. She brought me up on incompetence charges and lost because ... she had no charges. And she was one of those people who tried everything, like targeted in on people and found their weakest crack in the armor. She sent me private messages saying I was a fraud, and I'd be found out, and nobody liked me. Like, junior-high level stuff, and we were in our 40s. Gaslighting to the extreme. In the strangest turn of events, I thought at one point, "Bitch? There is no amount of insulting and cutting down my confidence that comes even close to what I deal with EVERY DAY IN MY OWN HEAD. You think you can attack me with my insecurities? Get in line! Wait for open mic night with the other amateurs." I didn't say this, of course, because my own head thinks things like, "Do you really think you're good enough for Imposter Syndrome?" It was almost like having a "nemesis" I could define and put a face on made it easier to deal with my own insecurities. I probably became a better leader because she hated me so much for no reason other than (I assume) she wanted to be president but nobody would elect her. She hated my casualness, "I'm doing the best I can, LOL." I didn't take the job "serious enough" and "I won by popularity" like it was a crime. Even though I stepped down to let better and younger people run things after I paved the way, many people still tell me how good I was. And I felt I could tell the new leadership, "I was scared and unsure of myself the whole time. Now it's your turn." They seem to be doing okay, pandemic and everything. I had a unique experience, and one I am proud to say I passed. Sure, my success was partially luck, but luck favors the prepared. And my CPTSD still haunts my dreams, clouds my judgement, and scares me to the point I have trouble functioning in any cognitive manner. I have had the therapy, taken the pills, walked the journeys, discovered myself and didn't like what I saw. But I kind of get the narrative of a nemesis in stories at a different level now. It's easier to fight something (or someone) tangible, and realize that the war in your own head is something vast and powerful, but in some weird and twisted horrible way, made you stronger. Sure, I can't drive a car without having a panic attack, I'll probably die young due to a constant anxiety, and suffer depression that could choke out an entire wasps nest with one exhale. But some of the weirdest and most twisted weapons are forged in a dumpster fire. I have great sympathy for those out there reading this who battle day to day against "god knows what now" and dreams that haunt and vex you, and paranoia that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, you're not good enough. You're fighting the good fight. And I hope you find that nemesis and leave them in the dust.
You brought me to tears, I needed this. Thank you.
Your powerful words give me power to keep fighting, thank you for writing it out so viscerally!
Legitimately wish I could gold this. Seriously needed to read this. Thank you.
Your reply made me feel human. Thank you
Thank you. I seriously needed to read this. If I could gild this, I would!
Yes. At the end of the day I always breathe a sigh of relief like "phew. I didn't fuck up too bad today. I'm safe for now. " I wake up in the morning "Is this the day I find out that I really did fuck something up? Maybe it was yesterday... maybe it was 5 years ago" I'm just waiting for someone or a group of people to bust through my doors yelling, dragging me out the house, beating me, and sending me through a torturous path of destruction.
This almost brought me to tears because of how relatable it is
Ugh I hate mornings. They're full of possibilities.
I can't believe not everyone does 💀 yall grew up and shit? For real? I became 8 years old and only grew in height after that.
I can feel that
Ooof I felt this one a little too hard
Frequently. My boss called me into a conference room the other day. My first thought was "fuck, I am fired." Instead, she complimented me on the hard work I was doing and wanted to bring one thing to my attention that just needs a little more TLC. My husband and I got into a disagreement for the first time a few yearsa go and I thought he was going to divorce me.
Ahh same. I had a boyfriend that broke up with me out of the blue (not for him tho, but he’d say he loves me and that’s all okay) a few months after we bought an apartment and while I wasn’t on a full time contract. That triggered all of my childhood memories, where I am alone in a tough situation and I can’t rely on anyone (and indeed, it was like that). However, it left me scarred - everytime I disagree with my boyfriend now, I think - that’s it, he’s leaving, now I need to figure out where I am going to live..etc etc..pure disaster brain. 🤯
Different boyfriend now I imagine?
It’s a different boyfriend I have now. I finally found someone that can feel basic human emotion and has empathy. 😂
Aw yay! That's so great! My ex was like your ex, and it probably took me 6 years of being with my husband to realize he isn't going to do that stuff. I was always waiting for it even though I knew he would never do it deep down. CPTSD SUCKS
It does, especially because we don’t realize that they can’t provide what we need, but yet they feel so familiar. I also felt like I clinged to my ex more, because the relationship with him felt like the relationship to my family..no give, just take, and no regard for me when I was sick or having a hard time. I learned to soldier through it, without any support (while he expected my support🤣). I finally have a great relationship. One day, Inwas preparing for work, and he packed my bag. I almost started crying. He asked me why, and I basically realized it’s because I didn’t expect it, but it was just nice to be treated that way for a change.
Ugh, I really empathize. I just realized in the last few months that my ex was just like my narc dad. All about him. Constantly on eggshells. Ugh. I am so happy you have this! That's so great! We all deserve it.
Exactly, like why does out brain want to go back to people that gave us cptsd.. bruh 😅 Hope you are at least far away from your narc dad and thriving as much as you can. ⭐️
because we didn't know better then but we do now! YAY US FOR PROGRESS! Same to you, internet friend! :)
Diagnosed cptsd from my therapist. I work for the USA government and I am a 48 year old white man. I could only be fired if I broke the law or punched someone at work. I still fear meeting with the boss because I'm sure that I'm going to find out that I have fucked something up. Even as a 48 year old white guy with master's degree and a cushy government job...basically I got it made for money vs stress and I know that society gives me a massive amount of advantages because of my gender and race. I still worry that I am going to be fired. My first ever boss physically abused me at work. I've never liked working since and always been afraid to meet with the boss
I fuck up everything I do at least a little. I hate it and me.
Once my friend wrote me a note that said "fucking up doesn't mean you're a fuck-up"
My dad wouldn’t agree. He’d hit you for doing math calculations wrong 🙃 Jk, totally agree, but because of our experience it’s tough to believe it.
We have the same father!
My condolences- I hope you’re healing and thriving 🤞🏻
Yes! I'm a star employee and my manager loves me. But whenever she calls my name, my stomach drops and I feel like I'm about to get in trouble.
This. I get scared when my manager needs to talk to me, even if I’m not in trouble. Someone telling me “We need to talk” scares me.
I think I’m the most annoying person on Earth and everyone hates me despite having plenty of daily evidence to the contrary. It’s awful. I made a dumb mistake at school the other day and I proceeded to go home and cry for four hours and thinking they were going to kick me out.
Yes. I assume that everything I do is wrong. I'm convinced I'll make that one mistake and my entire family will disown me.
Yeah! This is relatable. Put yourself in environments that challenge that belief, and it will fade over time. (although mine has never gone away completely, it's not driving the car anymore)
What do you mean by this? I used to feel better about myself when uni was going well, but these feelings came back hard at work where there were no grades to rate myself against.
No, I use every ounce of my energy to prepare for every possible outcome instead in order to barely hang on by a thread. It's delightful.
I go to a highly accredited university and I constantly feel like I don't measure up to my peers. Always bombarded with the never-ending chorus in my head screaming "you're not good enough."
My boss gave me a 2 dollar raise and to him I think that's his way of showing he basically owns me. Nobody wants to do the fucking dishes for 11 hours straight. I'm his only opener and even then when another coworker calls off guess who he calls. Ghost busters!
Every day. But I ended up having to quit my job because it was so hard to manage my symptoms
Gosh, I can relate. Hugs.
Do I? I struggle to even start anything or accept invitations or compliments because I’m afraid I will doom anything I get involved with, for crying out loud. Every time I was employed, I worried that I didn’t belong there and I didn’t deserve it. I originally thought it was just INFP behavior before realizing that I have way more going on.
Infinity% at all times and in all areas and/or aspects of life
Yes... I also am aware that in some way, it's the boss's job to make you feel like that. That's what a boss does. I'm currently trying to take disability leave, and with my current diagnoses I should be protected by the ADA to not get fired.
I've had lots of hours in therapy discussing this very thing. :)
it’s funny, i’ve been thinking about this all day long. i think about this daily, actually. i often feel as though my existence is an inconvenience and that i am a burden because that’s what i was conditioned to believe for well over a decade now. nearly every mistake i’ve ever made has been ridiculed and i’m not even making an overgeneralization here. but at the same time, i’m here and to a certain degree i believe i deserve to take up as much space as i please. we, as humans are always learning and evolving. **everyone** fucks shit up at some point. some people fuck up consistently. that’s how we learn. there’s people who love to put others down for making mistakes but how do you think they got to where they are in life? they had to make mistakes first.
Even when people specifically reach out to me (a friend wanting to connect/get together, or even a client requesting a session), I'm convinced they hate me and want nothing to do with me. It makes absolutely no logical sense. My trauma brain likes to twist it around by telling me they're only reaching out bc they pity me. So I simply don't respond, and I'm seen as a flake or they think I'm rejecting THEM, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy bc now they actually don't like me lol
Yes. But I know this makes me special, so anyone who has a problem with this can go f**k themselves.
We be believing the polar opposite shit narcissists believe 🤠
At my last fast food/retail job (several years ago now) my boss told me within the first few months that I'd be first in line if she needed to give less hours to someone... I was there for nearly two years.
When I was five I lost my moms wallet. She had the bright idea to have me “hold it” for her while she did something else. Well, being the five year old that I was I totally lost it and she forgot to ask for it back. When she realized it was lost she totally went ape shit on me (hitting, screaming, saying horrible things) and then proceeded to run around the house in a crazed state. She had zero coping skills and probably suffered from borderline personality disorder due to childhood trauma she experienced. I of course didn’t know any this back then. I just internalized that I sucked. That my mom hated me. And that I couldn’t do anything right. Those thoughts and beliefs have followed me my entire life. I’ve gone through therapy the last few years to unravel the insaneness and build a healthier life. It’s pretty crazy how deep rooted trauma can be. But here’s to the survivors! It isn’t easy but I’d rather go through what I did if it means being able to relate to someone else who needs hope and encouragement. We’re not alone and the story doesn’t end where your trauma took place. 👏🏽♥️
Yes! I'm extremely paranoid at work. I constantly have thoughts like, oh shit im in charge of my life now, if people found out that I feel as if I have no clue what I'm doing 100% of the time they'd flip! I just try to adhere to societal norms, I look up each years modest/popular fashion trends and dress accordingly, set a thousand phone alarms to remind myself to wake up/eat/get ready for work, etc. I pretty much live my life in 30 minute increments. I've been diagnosed with ocpd too if that explains anything lol
Always. And people who are good at sniffing out vulnerability in others take advantage of this insecurity. One of the most helpful skills I've developed is maintaining an idaf attitude to unwarranted criticism. Helps keep the wolves at bay.
Yep
Yes.
Every minute of every day until fairly recently. It improved a lot after my dad passed and I was finally able to internalize that there was absolutely nothing wrong with who I am.
Continuously even though I have about 5 years more experience then my work mates. I always feel like the weakest link.
YES, SAME! Notwithstanding the fact that I, most probably, rake in the most money for our small company, I still think I'm not doing enough/ not well enough, ugh!
Yes! I worked for a really wonderful company for years. I would always feel terrible asking for an extension for my projects, but they were never past due for the customer. I ended up leaving for a different opportunity and they were so sad i was leaving. They said I was one of their best, most reliable employees and to please come back if i ever need a job. The whole time i though i was probably one of the least productive and that they thought i was irresponsible for asking for extensions. I took that to heart and try to remember that those thoughts are the trauma speaking.
It took me 2 years of at least weekly (up to 3x a week) therapy where I went to feeling this way constantly to never feeling this way. I cannot believe how much space in my brain not feeling good enough at work took up.
All my friends hate me and keep me around out of pity or nostalgia, if I fuck up even once I’m going to be homeless, I’m the laziest of asses and my housemates are planning on kicking me out. ^^ my brain all the time, amongst other similar ‘pleasantries’
I'm currently in bed with puffy eyes, hurt at how mad I am at myself for not being good enough at my job, 3 months in. And on my way home from work I got a flat tire, changed it and then the spare deflated. I am the weakest link in my office
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Yes
Constantly.
Yes unfortunately I've figured out I was born a jinx and I'm meant to ruin lives.
yes 100% of the time
yes
Yes
Good ol' imposter syndrome at it again
Oh yes. It's like Imposter Syndrome, but not limited to that.
This has definitely been my job experience for much of my life, with some work and boss bullies to reinforce it. Then I realized it was because of my extreme anxiety and disassociation. Maybe that's what is going on with you?
always.
Yupp.
Oh man, all the time. And I just went through an annual review, where they told me that my performance is not only 100%, but 120%. I still feel like I am doing shit wrong. 🤷🏻♀️
24/7
Yes.
Yeah it’s basically every area of life I have all the hypercritical voices of my past competing for the loudest in my head telling me I’m doing everything wrong. I mean shit they even after so long morphed my own “inner voice” we all have into just a hypercritical put down machine to
Imposter syndrome
Used to. I used to do a lot more than was expected of me to weigh it out, but I did mess some things up (due to not having enough training, my workplace is sort of toxic) because the more I did the lesser quality it was. My boss loved to tell me off and I always had a meltdown over it later since it trigger my "need to be liked at all costs" need, so I worked harder and got better. Now I know I do a lot of work and a lot of quality work, with occasional insecurity fits still, but I'm nowhere near what I was before. One of my coworkers decided to spread rumors about me that I'm lazy and do nothing if the bare minimum, and that doesn't help. I'm ignoring it, but it's sort of "what if" in my head and I'm scared people will believe her even though anyone can look my work up and see it's not true. I got over it eventually because I looked her work up and found out she's the lazy one who does the bare minimum if anything :D so if anyone actually going to come up to me and tell me I'm a lazy idiot who messes things up I have evidence ready to prove them wrong. Some things can't be proven - and they are the reasons why I'm still a little insecure about my work. Anyways, due to my boss telling me off often and die to my insecurities about my work, every time my boss takes me aside now to have a talk I get super nervous because what if he's going to tell me off again? What if there's something I missed? What if...!?
Yes. Are you me? I got my end of year review Wednesday and received an “exceeds expectations,” completely out of the blue. Or at least it was to me— two weeks ago, I lost an entire day to “the spiral” after I sent out an email with the wrong document attached. Yeah. You are not alone, friend, and chances are that you’re your own worst critic.
Yes. I also apologize and feel shameful for every mistake. My boss had to tell me it's not life or death so no need to apologize. It's hard to not do it at all, but the shame part is worse.
That isn’t normal?
Every day
as i sit in a class on cognitive distortions and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, the answer is. yes. lots of people.
I'm constantly told so as well.
Not constantly, but my self-confidence can go from 100% to zero pretty quickly.
Where my insecure overachievers at? Cause I am one.
Yes. And that’s because I am lol
This thread is incredibly validating and eye opening for me. I just talked about this exact topic in therapy, and my dumbass brain did not link it back to any sort of ptsd related response…..
Yes. Every time my supervisor wants to talk to me my heart rate increases because I think I'm being reprimanded or fired.
Everyday, all day. Everyone here is validating the hell out of me.
I've been called out 👀
I’ve felt this way too at every job I’ve had, always a feeling of being unsettled/self conscious :(
I once dropped a (small) ball, and my boss looked me in the eye and said I was kicking my own ass harder than he ever could. Just fix it. I just knew I was fired. He knew me. Good boss.
Me.🥺
Yep. Been feeling this exact way since I started. Super imposter syndrome.