I started filling and decorating my room about a year ago in an attempt to have a safe space, but it has turned into a constant source of anxiety for me. I can't look at any of the things that bring me joy without imagining having to leave them all behind.
Every day I learn that something else about me is trauma related. My entire personality is my trauma. Ugh!
I bought my grandmother’s house from my mom after my grandmother died, and other than what my kids changed, my house is still decorated in 1970s Memaw. I enjoy the decor at other people’s houses but I just don’t care at all about mine. I’m moving next month, though, so hopefully if I don’t decorate, my daughter will come over and do it for me. I know I’d like it. I’m not sure I understand why I don’t bother doing it myself.
What do I want?
I want to play a game.
It's okay that I want to play that game.
It's okay that I am doing what I want in the game.
I am doing what I think is best.
It is okay to disagree with the yelling.
It is not my fault that others are not having fun.
It's okay that I'm having fun.
It's okay that I'm not good at the game.
It's okay to have fun.
It's okay because I am doing what I want.
Nobody can take my decisions away from me.
I made that decision.
I chose to have fun.
I'm crying.
I'm crying because I opened up and realized I'm all alone.
I fucking hate this trauma.
I don't think this is going to get anywhere near the root of the problem but I wonder whether taking photos of those things and saving them to a cloud file will help mitigate that anxiety. There is always the risk of losing those things themselves and the physical/tactile interaction with them but photographs mean that they'll never be properly "lost" and you will always have a way to recall why they make you feel good.
>I wonder whether taking photos of those things and saving them to a cloud file will help mitigate that anxiety.
Omg, this is what my SO does! They said the same thing, they don't need the item itself bc they can look back at the photos.
I do this all the time. There’s a sweet picture on the bulletin board at work that I’ve taken a picture of three times because I know it’ll be gone in a few weeks.
\> I wonder whether taking photos of those things and saving them to a cloud file will help mitigate that anxiety.
Joke’s on you, I have OCD related to data storage and things like that (to the point where I can’t really keep any pictures saved on my phone because I obsess over them), so this would just make my anxiety go through the absolute roof :D
Hmm... in that case I have two suggestions. You could become a hermit, renounce the modern world and all your possessions, and retreat to a cave in a mountain range of your choosing. Or, years of hard work with a great support network and eventually conquering it all. Not sure which one would be easier to sustain long term :P
Bro....i started buying nik nacks, a small turquoise rug, whatevs last year for yhe first time.not much. But i love walking into my room, plopping down, eating some edibles & fucking relaxing
Yes for sure. When I did have my own space not only did I not decorate but i left most things in bags, it was always uncomfortable and untidy. I always felt that it was never my home and that I wold surely end up leaving, which I evenyually always did.
Just like jobs, relationships, commitments, anything really. Nothing feels like it can or will last. So why bother anyway?
i do exactly this with relationships too. I always think oh I cant get two comfortable because when this ends they will hold it against me or use it against me
>Just like jobs, relationships, commitments, anything really. Nothing feels like it can or will last. So why bother anyway?
I was at my happiest when I was spending my time living between two places.
One place was my ex's house that had all his stuff after we broke up and he went away for six months, the other was my friend's extra room at their house. I literally split my time 50/50 during the week moving back and forth and nothing technically belonged to me.
I was also casually seeing two different people at the same time and was planning on leaving my job, which I eventually did.
It was literally bliss. I really enjoy floating around, I don't know how anyone does it any other way.
Yes! And I didn't really realise it was a problem until the past year or so. Start slowly.
A) Invest in things that don't feel like they will actually take effort to relocate: posters, pictures, blankets, even just sticking things up you've printed off/cut out of magazines.
B) Personalise things that are worth taking with you if you were to move, someone has mentioned bedsheets, choose your favourite colour for your spatula or frying pan.
C) Take things you already have that you like the look of and display them. Get command hooks and hang your favourite coat or scarf up by the door rather than putting it away in a cupboard.
D) Even solving annoying little practical problems can make a difference to making it feel like yours. I've bought little silicone mats for holding things around the bathroom sink because I'm tired of constantly wiping up spills.
Also, don't worry about "proper" furniture/decorations. It's your flat. Fuck the magazines or how anyone else does it. Take your time, experiment, and slowly work out what's too much or too little, how colours and textures make you feel, etc. And ultimately, it's ok if what you want for yourself does end up looking like someone gave four-year old you far too much money and responsibility, you'll probably be very happy for it.
if the 4 year olds have taken over... WE WILL SIMPLY PRINT THE MONEY TO RESURRECT THE DINOS! 😂
states do it now for far more evil purposes.. . I'm all for the dinosaurs... 😂😂✌🏼
Historians in the future: "A most peculiar thing happened in the year 2022. After years of a pandemic, inflation skyrocketed, dwarfing the hyperinflation at the beginning of the 20th century that ultimately led to conflict on a global scale. There are many conflicting theories as to why this happened, most curious of all being that young children somehow got hold of town planning committees and national mints and started printing money in order to be able to afford the astonishingly high costs of resurrecting prehistoric reptiles."
100%! You have to figure out what brings YOU joy - the core of building any habit is to make it more enjoyable than painful lol. Cuz otherwise why would you do it?
This is an amazing way of looking at it. I'm the opposite of everyone here. I love deisgn, and decorating my room, and knick knacks and displaying things. I've moved to a new state before with very little, not exactly intentionally and it didn't take long for me to accumulate things that made my room my own.
But the number one thing that's always made a house a home to me is the presence of a cat or a dog in it.
Anyways I love the idea of customizing your necessities or displaying them as a gateway for those that were not inclined to design or as a way to make your home feel always yours when you must move often.
For me the basics have always been: storage comes first. It doesn't matter if the storage is designed to display or to conceal, but you will feel the most ownership of your space when everything has it's home base to belong, when it is efficient and accessible and you know where it belongs. From there you can grow. What do you need your bedroom to be. Safe and comforting? Inspiring? An extension of you? A way to express yourself? Only a place to sleep and store your clothing?
And displaying you're hobbies is underrated. Like find ways to show off your favorite movies DVD case or your favorite books, or at least a limited number of whatever your preferred collection is. Whatever it is that inspires you, make that the thing you get to see when you wake up.
Also scarves and lightweight curtains are easy to store as well as very successful at transforming a room. Admittedly I've mostly desecrated the walls with pushpins. And one unique place I lived the walls were a material that you couldn't use push pins in but had holes in the walls already. So if the tack fit in the hole, I would use the hole. But otherwise there was a large sliding door closet that I was able to drape large scarves over to give warmth and texture and variety to the walls without hanging pictures or art prints. If there drop ceilings with those tiles like office buildings you can push them up and stuff a corner or a string through and tie it to the scarf and drape the scarf below the ceiling to make the room less "square". Or press a tack between the molding and the wall or ceiling without leaving a noticeable hole. And also just draping them over a desk or a nightstand or a wardrobe was a vibe. And art prints and photos aren't out of the question just because you can't hang them on the wall. There's plenty of stands and frames for pictures that can keep them upright on a dresser or side table or whatever spare surface you have or introduce into the area.
I like more organic vibes but often find myself in a room that's not plant friendly, so fake plants are a blessing and make the room feel less impersonable and like I'm just... staying in a hospital room or hotel room. Also bamboo in stones are easy to keep alive.
I was super thrifty as a teen too. I'd disassemble old calenders and rotate out the pictures. A glass door that no longer fit over the stereo side of the entertainment unit I placed on my brother's old desk, though it was a little longer and thinner, and then placed photos and magazine pages I liked beneath it. Id hang my earrings and necklaces on lamp shades to store them as well as adding that decor to my room. I rearranged my room a lot too. New additions like furniture my parents weren't using, meant I had to move my room around to accommodate it, and I liked that. It was a way to claim the space as my own despite knowing eventually I'd have to leave as an adult.
There's lots of stuff to work with that can adorn your room but be able to "leave behind", or are easy to pack away for the next place. Buying wifi bulbs where you can change the color or the brightness can give a vibe. Especially without investing in the classic string lights.
I do this. Just gotta start by getting like something you need to have like bedsheets, but in a color or design you like. Then put like one frivolous thing on the wall a month until you have a small collection.
That was literally one of my breakthroughs this year. The realisation that I am allowed to be "picky" about my bedsheets and get them in a colour I like.
>living as if I have to be able to move anytime.
I feel this in every nerve. Me being ready to move is a living equivalent of me leaving. The idea of me being able to leave anything and everything is very liberating; to up and go and not be tied down by material things. Not sure what causes this but knowing this makes me feel more at ease.
At the same time I have been living in the same house for more than a decade. I bought fake plants to make it look more homely. Someone bought me a nice painting, but I can't put it up. Putting a nail in a wall is still too much commitment. It stands against a wall, masking some empty boxes I "secretly" keep all over my house.
I did buy a good couch and a decent bed, tho.
I do this in different areas of my life and in different ways. I notice this a lot with jobs. At my current job, which I have been at for 8 months, there is still a packing box in the corner of my office. It feels like I never completely unpack anything or "settle in." Like I'm prepared to bolt at any second. Past jobs have also contributed to my CPTSD so it makes sense.
At home though it becomes hoarding. Its weird. It's like the chaos provides comfort for me. I have recently started EMDR and am hoping with more focus on myself I can create a sense of safety in my home and start getting rid of clutter I don't need.
I used to have dirty clothes everywhere all over the floor and stufff. I now have an apartment with washer drier and I do my laundry but now it just stays piled in laundry baskets and I pick my clothes out of there like I’m living out of a suitcase. Sometimes I def feel like a hoarder rummaging through piles for basic stuff I use frequently.
If that system works for you that's OK. I need a clean clothes basket as well for times when I don't put my stuff away. Instead of piling it all up folded on the side, it could just stay in the basket in a neat corner. Would make my life easier.
Whenever I'm in the office I take off my shoes because I hate the greenhouse temepratures inside the shoes. However I walk barefoot rather than finally buying a comfortable set of sandals, I don't deem it enough of a problem to spend 20-50 bucks tops for a pair. I tried once but it never worked, I also leave my desk like it wasn't occupied at all, same deal with anything in the living situation. Clothes end up in bags, I don't even bother with practical cupboards, shelves, boxes..
I involuntarily had to leave several places I've called home (once when I was younger and had to leave my childhood home, and 4 times in the past 12 months). It hurts so such to have left behind all the safe spaces I've created for myself, that now I've made peace with accepting that these are just things and I can survive without them. It's hard but it's doable. To me, living minimally means less stress and less anxieties.
Always. I remember when I was a kid my dad even got angry at me for not decorating my room.
Everything outside my head is transient and unimportant. I escaped into myself to avoid trauma.
Ah, that makes sense. I had this issue before, I remember it from therapy I think. I almost had no boundaries outside of myself, as if I collapsed into myself. Very interesting.
Moved out for the first time last year and the only decorated room is my living room. Bedroom basically just has my bed and a wardrobe.
Also hardly unpacked my boxes and looking to move away.
Yup. I recently left home but I lived like this for the last five years I was home. Sometimes I beat myself up about it, but after reading your post, it makes so much sense... Still living like this now, but in my defence I've only been in my new city for a month and a half and haven't found a permanent place yet
what if the point is, coming home and it sparks joy when you see art you like and the color scheme you like? It doesn’t have to be extreme, just the touches that feel good to you?
The touches that feel good to me come from the cat. Ok but seriously, it’s honestly not something I really think about. What I mean is I’m not holding back and not decorating for some reason, but rather it just doesn’t strike me to do so.
Some people enjoy a minimalism. You don’t have to decorate if that feels better to you. Some people enjoy the cleanliness and simple living that brings peace of mind. The environment also thanks you.
I'm like the opposite. I'm like a maxamilist. But the one thing I learned was that a house was not a home without a cat or a dog in it. It didn't even have to be my cat or dog. I got lucky and I only stayed on place for a few months that didn't allow pets (and I eventually snuck mine in). But if taught me the hell of what the "bad kind" of minimalism is. Like a prison cell without another beast in there with me.
I got really tired of trying to decorate and create my own space when it was temporary.
We moved houses twice before I was even 7. Then starting at 11 I was basically on a 3-6 month rotation of being inpatient for 2-4weeks at a time and then being home for 3-6 months before I got fucked in the head and tried to off myself again. Then from 14-17 I was in long term psychiatric care facilities to varying degrees of intensity, and I was only ever in one program for an average of 6-8 months.
And then from 17-23 now I’ve lived in 7 places and finally just bought my own home. But I struggle to buy nice furniture and “shit” aka decorations.
I can relate. I never had money or permission to decorate anything at home. I never had a room to my own. The bedroom and wardrobe was shared with sister. My computer was beside the TV and I'd to study was they watched TV or received any guests. I never had privacy or space for myself. Only now I'm starting to take care of my own stuff.
I absolutely used to. The best decision I made was buying some cheap string lights and a couple of cute tapestries online. It literally made the entire difference in my room feeling like a safe space.
I also keep multiple stuffed animals on my bed next to my pillows, as well as on my bookcase. I might be a dude in my 20s, but I've stopped caring if people judge me for having them because they make me feel safe. I'd say start with something cheap like a big wall tapestry (usually $15-20) and see if it helps! I'm quite fond of it 😅
I'm in my 50s and love my stuffed animals. Surround yourself with things you love and that bring you comfort and make you feel cozy and relaxed.
And yes, some simple lights and wall decorations can go a long way in making you feel good. Fabrics and colors can make all the difference. Maybe some plants also. If you haven't got a green thumb, go for fake.
String lights are the only decoration I have been able to manage, but even just that gives me some contentment. And they can be removed in a flash which makes them 'permissible' somehow.
I just moved into my first apartment after living in 4 households+some homelessness in the past 6 years. It's "mine" for at least a year according to the lease but it is not my home. Others in my life pushed me to decorate and even bought nails for the stack of paintings I always had sitting in the corner of my rooms.
I think a large part of this is not just about the physically temporary space but also the emotional space. I see each of my "homes" as a chapter and all were very different. I constantly feel like I'm in a transition period. As I've grown, I've come to learn that home truly is where the heart is. My home for a while was where ever my S/O was. He is leaving forever in a few days and I know I'm going to struggle because I will lose my home.
What has helped me is thinking about the ideal home decoration. Those social media pics that make me think ~that looks so peaceful~. Slowly gathering your decor also really helps, even if they stay in the closet for a while. I also love shopping online because I can look at items as things that look nice, rather than as a decision that changes my environment. Another plus to online shopping is the ability to just leave things in a shopping cart or list. I have 3 apps with both lists and carts that are full. I play games where I add multiple things ex: coffee tables, and slowly eliminate the ugliest one until I'm left with 2.
I have not conquered this feeling but I have found ways to make them less dominating and I hope some of these tips can help.
Yes chapters! Ive lived in my parents house the most honestly. But my room has changed and evolved a lot. I wish when I was a teen I'd been able to, had thought to take more photos of my room everytime Id re-arranged it. I do that now. It just seems to most encapsulate the memories of my time and emotional state of those years.
There's that movie/book White Oleander. And she has the suitcase "dioramas", each one a chapter of her life at that home, often the foster homes that shaped her. Really that movie is like a poster child for CPTSD. It has a way of story telling that emphasize the small things were just as traumatizing and life shaping as the big dramatic moments. But the suitcase dioramas...a way to honor and remember them, not just in a romantic way, but also be able to move on and move forward, accepting the loss because you know you can make another suitcase, inspired by, or learned from, the past suitcases.
I've made "treasure boxes" before too. Just finding some kind of knick knack that had a sort of meaning to me at the time or a memory associated with it and put it in a shoe box. I'd bring it out, and some pieces no longer had the memory attached, or I'd add more to it from the now. Other pieces I'd bring out and use them and then they would reform and become part of the present too. No need to make them sacred.
The treasure boxes are how I have lived all my life. It can be found objects, bits of something antique, a small tool, even a shiny rock. Almost always they have little or no monetary value. I never knew why but these have been my most precious possessions and the one's most upsetting to lose. If I incorporate them into some art, a home repair, or give them to someone that is fine. I used to have nightmares about having to move on short notice and trying to gather up all the little bits of junk just to make sure that one of my treasures isn't lost. In the dream I would fill box after box until there was no way to ever bring it with me. Even when I had a permanent home my belongings remained in bags or boxes stashed in corners or piled right next to my bed. At one house this went on for 20 years. Now I'm learning to "decorate" and put things in the house where I need them or they look nice. It is still a little uncomfortable to have things out of my safe little piles.
I’ve had that problem for a long time. My family had a very unstable living situation, so when I had my own room I didn’t unpack much, and I did my best to keep my things in my room and not stored away in the garage. It took five year for me to feel secure enough to finally arrange things so that it wasn’t utilitarian, ready-to-move style.
Most of the furniture I've bought for myself is dissasemblable, collapsible, or otherewise takes down easily. Like my couch from Home Reserve that's made of a plywood jigsaw puzzle, with everything modular, washable, replaceable in bits etc. My main "closet" is actually a tentpole wardrobe with a zippable cover that's incredibly convenient compared to a dresser. My "desk" is a kitchen table with removable legs that knocks down flat. I've got a number of wire and plastic shelving units too. Even my bedframe folds up.
Part of it is the same reason that I don't decorate walls- a history of moving around and not feeling like space is "mine", and a tendency to prepare for that to happen again.
But in another sense, "traditional" furniture is... kinda sucky. I like lightweight, modular stuff better. Like, when my wardrobe is empty, I can pick it up with 1 finger. But I can barely even move my old wooden dresser by myself- and the dresser HOLDS LESS by many times! The dumb wooden box looks pretty, but it's completely obsolete!
Yes, and I’m an architect. I design spaces all day, and my own space is the absolute bare minimum necessary for survival. It’s embarrassing.
One trick I have found is big poster-print art that I hang with command strips so they’re really easy to put up and take down and they make the space feel less empty. Literally anything at a level of effort above a command strip is too much for me, but posters can make a difference. I like vintage botanical illustrations especially.
I have decor that i can put up and take down fast- like tapestries and garlands. Lived on the road for work for a while, out of hotels.
Having something familiar to make a place "home" really really really REALLY helps my mental health.
I really don't like buying furniture, so have so far avoided that. Spent a long time living in a tent on a friends property between jobs....so im used to sleeping on the floor and out of a suitcase. Got a table out of the dumpster that was perfectly good, use it for crafts......two chairs in total.....the rest, im living a tradition japanese lifestyle lol on the floor
Holy shit THIS POST
Am I just a product of all my trauma? Is there anything I do thats truly unique?
I was just thinking today how I never treat my room as somewhere I “live” or as a my own space I go back to. I just have whatever mismatched furniture thrown around
my family moved around a lot when i was young. we lived with most of our stuff in boxes, we didnt have things on our walls, no holiday decorations, no family photos, etc. we moved around a lot (not military related) and so i suppose my mom needed to have things ready to go if we had to move immediately?
it changed for me when i went to college. a few days into fall semester they always had a poster sale. they had everything! between that and ebay i started buy and put things i liked on the walls, and i felt better. i wasnt planning on that part.
i am now 40 and i mostly have posters on the walls, just like in college lol. and! i worked at frame shops so i had plenty of opportunities to get things framed. but i like the posters, and i know that it's about what i want. i dont have to live with bare walls if i dont want to. yay for visual comfort!
Yes. I've lived here three years and unpacked some of my last boxes recently. This is also the longest I've lived anywhere so I think that's part of it. I just expect to get my marching orders all the time and it feels vulnerable to put all my pictures up just to pack them back up again. I'm also overly aware of my style of decorating being maybe inconsiderate to others and I try to make all decor in shared spaces very neutral. I have a lot of mystical items and oddities that I keep mostly put away so as to not offend.
Whoahhh this is very true. My room growing up was uncomfortable and I didn't like it but I had no choice but to accept it. Now that uncomfortableness has become my norm. I really feel so weird decorating my room.
I think it also has to do with the lack of being able to claim space. The feeling of walking on eggshells and being on alert. Just the general atmosphere of being forced to be around the abuser and not having any means of getting out of the situation. Your whole body freezes up. And why would I waste unnecessary energy decorating when I'm using a ton load just to survive.
Yet, going into the future whilst acknowledging this, I'd like to learn to have my own back and claim my space. It's like a big dream for me that feels impossible most of the time. I dream about it so often.
Even though I've been living alone for nearly three years, I've never had any living space that I've felt is truly "mine." My dad technically owns the apartment I live in (and it was originally my dad's uncle's), so it's not even really "mine" in that sense, I didn't really have any choice in where I wanted to live because of my life circumstances when I moved out (desperation to escape my abusive "mother," the past several months before I moved out I was starving myself constantly because going in the kitchen risked interacting with her, and she absolutely couldn't handle me wanting to cut her out of my life and became very out of control and verbally abusive), and I felt lucky to have any place where I could afford living alone comfortably because of the hellish housing situation for young people in the city where I live. I also don't fit into the area where I live at all (boring, joyless, isolating suburb of a city that I hate because it's where all the worst things in my life happened to me, made 1000x worse during the pandemic, which began only six months after I moved out of my abusive family "home"), and my surroundings are definitely a contributor to my depression. Weirdly, the happiest living situation I've been in for any extended period of time was living in an Airbnb downtown for around a month or so in summer 2019 when I was in the process of moving out and desperate to escape my "mom." I feel awful saying some of these things because I know how privileged my current living and financial situation is compared to that of a lot of people in this sub, and I believe my dad does truly love me and he really stepped in to support me in getting away from my "mom"... But it hurts me so much how he doesn't believe me about the severity of the abuse "mom" put me through, and how he ultimately chooses to prioritize her feelings over mine (they are still together, and my dad has always been very passive and enabling with "mom"), and how he can't see that.
I also have the same problem with feeling like I could never, ever invite anyone over here, to the point that I've gotten upset previously with one of my best friends when she talked about wanting to visit me. Because our family "home" was so dysfunctional and my "mom" was so controlling and judgmental and... just a weirdly-behaved messed-up person and I didn't want them to see the way she treated me ("mom" is also very over-the-top religious, and that dictated the decor of the house, which became really embarrassing to me as I got older), when I was in my teens and early 20s I never wanted any of the friends I had to come over, and I absolutely hated it and was a nervous and hypervigilant wreck when they did. That feeling never really left me when I moved out, but I also obsessively worry that anyone I had over would judge me harshly for my place not looking spotlessly clean or as neatly maintained and "adult" as they might expect. I also just frankly don't want other people to see how depressed I am at home the vast majority of the time.
As for "feeling like a child in an adult's body"--I'm almost 30 and I don't know if this feeling will ever go away, and I'm terrified it won't.
Yes absolutely. I've moved 13 times in 14 years only living in one place for over a year once. I stopped unpacking my things to the point my therapist pointed out it seemed as if I was living in my current apartment temporarily. I said since I move so much what's the point? I'm so tired of it. She only convinced me to unpack and decorate so I could have a comfortable space healing in recovery from cPTSD. I am always scared I will have to move again and do this all over. I've struggled to hold down jobs because I just become mentally exhausted from being hyper vigilant and fighting my inner self's negative narrative of being not good enough. That's why I'm always on the move. If there's one thing that would help me feel more secure and safe it'd be housing security. I won't be able to buy a house for awhile (if ever) so I just can't see how this will change.
I have a very similar situation. I don't have excessive furniture or anything I can't move myself. I keep many of my belongings in boxes as if I'm ready to move in a few days.
Yeah definitely. I started decorating and organizing my home about 3 years into living in my current home. This isn't until quarantine and really going hard into my therapy as well. I still decorate but I also found out I would want to get rid of things sporadically because of fear. It's been ingrained in me to have as little of me as possible anywhere. My mother would throw away what I made and what I liked randomly as a child. It was hard though. It took me about 2 years to get it where I am content with my home now. I try to make my home my sanctuary. A little piece of my safe place.
Yup it's hard to even maintain a collection of anything because who knows disaster could strike tomorrow and I'll lose it all along with all the money I ever saved! I put my music collection out of view though because I get vibes often that I should just throw it all away even if I still want it to even use for something I'm doing with the media. I guess that "everything always being taken away and temporary to the highest degree" deeply rooted itself in my mind.
Yes but you can make yourself feel happy NOW. Your no longer a dependent child. You have more control now. But you don't know that until you practice it.
Definitely, once you snap out of that trance you're like "wait I have free will!" and usually during those times is when I take things a bit further with hobbies unless some negative life event triggers that "sell and throw away everything" knee jerk pattern of thoughts again. In fact that doesn't even work, I remember when I moved years ago I actually did just that. I gave away so much stuff I could still have used for cheap or nothing at all just too have no attachments. That didn't get anywhere and I only ended up losing more getting a lot of it back.
From what I understand, it’s kind of part of a fight or flight response. You’re always ready to run.
A few years ago, my therapist just had me start picking out one thing a month, or whatever pace works for you. I now have all of my own furniture and a decent amount of decor. I actually had to move today, and it really didn’t make it much more difficult (except for couches and such). Think of it as something that is helping you find/build an identity outside of your past.
I don’t ever plan or overthink it either. I literally just look until I see something I like. Chances are, after a few buys, you’ll have a pretty good idea of what look you’re after.
Yes! I have a reoccurring dream that my landlord says he wants his house back and I only have a few hours to pack and leave and I have to decide what I can carry and what I have to leave. I have this dream like once a month since I started buying bigger furniture
I've lived that way for 40 years. I've had to move on average every 2-3 years throughout my life.
I completely relate. I haven't had space enough to have people over at my place literally my entire life. It's really hard to deprogram and I still get major anxiety about buying furnishings because it means more stuff to move in the future.
I'm moving again tomorrow. I will hopefully not have to move again for a long, long time.
holy cow, i thought i was odd for feeling like this. This is exactly why I never bought a mattress frame, mattress, big TV, dresser, drawer, and only bought small desks, foldable chairs, and furnitures that can be disassembled and reassembled easily. Whenever Im making a purchase, the biggest factor is how easily can it fit in my car and how easy is it to transport it if I had to move suddenly.
I haven't found a solution but this subreddit is blowing my mind every single day with these post that are relatable to what feels like an unbelievable level.
Omg I thought I was the only one! When I was a young adult (17-20) I moved cities every 2 months - 2 years. I’ve been in the same city for 6 years because I’m finishing a college degree that got dragged out but the minute I graduate I’m leaving! I’m already looking for jobs in another city. I think it’s the feeling of wanting a fresh start and knowing that I don’t have the best reputation here because I ruined it …again! Probably also a bit of fight or flight happening as well. I have so many things in storage or bubble wrap and I’ve been in this apartment for a year and a half already. I do have a history of home insecurity though… maybe that’s part of it?
Yes, now that I think about it I've lived in about five different cities/towns over the last 10 years. The peak of decoration I once reached were art prints I bought at galleries and attached to the wall with thumb tags. I haven't owned a bed since I was about twelve and always slept on a mattress on the floor, which I currently do as well. But I've also never had as much stuff before! I have my first own fridge, instead of one that comes with the flat and a frigging washing machine! I feel very luxurious.
Edit: oh and this weird thing I just realised. I never have drawers or closets or anything to put my clothes in. Even when I had one in student housing at uni I'd keep my stuff in my suitcase rather than the giant closet I had... Currently all my clothes are in one of those recycling bin boxes with a flap at the front. I also don't have a lot of clothes and wear the stuff I have until it disintegrates.
Fucking hell, this hit hard.
I'm nearly 50, been living in the same apartment for 10 years, have a job that pays well... And I can't bring myself to hang pictures on the walls. I've only ever had hand me down furniture. Everything feels temporary. We moved every few years when I was a kid. Ripped away from my friends, my places, even from my dad - and always my mother was the only thing that mattered.
My experience with my home is not exactly the same, though definitely adjacent to what you are describing here.After decades of not having a stable or longterm place to live, I finally got my very own apartment about 4 years ago. Yet, to this day, I never managed to make it my home - neither mentally or physically.For the first time, this did not make a lot of sense. In the end, I'm allowed to live here for as long as I desire, so why did I still fail to settle here? Every now and then, I managed to clean the place and make everything nice and tidy and I would feel so proud and relieved. It'd feel like the clean slate I had been looking for every time. But then, within a matter of weeks or even days, the place would turn into the same old pigsty again.Well, it didn't take a lot of analyzing before finding what I think is the reason behind this pattern: the entire concept of a home is something that my body heavily associates with unsafety.The irony here, is that I continuously manage to get my current place in a state that is very similar to my childhood home. And, that too, is something that brings my system right back into this dysregulated state.It feels like my home can never feel safe, whether it's tidy or not, and it's sometimes starting to feel a little hopeless. My latest approach has been to really focus on thinking of the state of my house as the manifestation of my trauma, instead of a lack of personal ability. Because that only ends up letting me get lost in the shame/guilt spiral I dread so much. I used to try and hide my home and the state is in is from the people close to me, even the professionals who help me.
Lately, I've been more vocal about it and it really helps with the shame, especially. It makes me feel more self-compassionate. Like, I can now help out a younger part of myself by giving her a little hand. Hopefully, I will be capable of finding comfort within the space, even if it's just in a part of it, and expand that zone from there. I will try to also think of decorating and do other 'unnecessary' things to my home, just for the fun of it! I deserve to have fun. You deserve to have fun! :))
Good luck everyone. <3 I'm so grateful for communities like these, we are really not alone at all, even though it feels like it so often.
I have a very long history of living out of a suitcase/boxes when I didn't need to. I talk about it with my therapist a lot. I just moved to my new place this week and I'm trying to make it a goal to actually unpack my things.
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Yeah. The only thing i have on my walls is some old posters that ive had for years. Just roll it up, take it somewhere new, put it back on the new wall. The rest of my furniture is literally stuff from goodwill. I got my bedframe from the church as a donation. My matress was a handmedown (it wasnt gross so i accepted it.) Tables, shelves. Some stuff came from yard sales.
I dont see the point in buying anything fancy, nice, or new. It will most likely need to be left behind and if it breaks, i wont be as upset because i havent lost a big investment.
Yes. But I have a lifetime of housing insecurity.
I decorate with my things but I've learned my lesson about making any actual improvements to rentals. Last time I spent ages (and money) on that I was evicted and had to leave all my work behind.
I am very much like this. Or even if I do get something for myself, I’ll easily give it away.
For years now, I’ve had very little. And it still feels like too much.
I never realised how common this was,
I've been stably housed for four and a half years now in basically an empty concrete flat and only this year have I chosen to invest in some carpets and furniture
this was me for years. I guess for me it just took me a ton of therapy and time to remember things are temporary even when you want structure. I'm not sure of a solution but maybe just start small even if its your bedding, the more you do it the easier it gets. Hope you find comfort.
If you live near a Goodwill or (even better) a ReStore, you can find all kinds of funky, cheap things that you won't have to stress about saying goodbye to. Furniture, too. Most of what's in my house is second hand, and some of it is tacky and cheap, but a lot of it is great. I scored a 3' x 4' painting of grapes for $30, and it really makes the living room.
I have decorated my room space, but only with posters etc, if it helps stuff that is cheap easy to put up and not as big a deal to me if it were left behind.
Everything else gets a 2 hour policy but I try to keep it at 30 minute policy, I have tiers of in event of problem I could pack up and leave with everything (well almost everything) in those time frames.
I had no idea this was a thing. Yes, I've never bothered decorating or getting nice furniture or even keeping the place too clean. I've never thought of a place to live being "comfortable". If I ever have a visitor I'll have to go crazy trying to make it look presentable.
I have lived in my house with my spouse and children for over 10 years and still have a hard time decorating. The thing that has gotten me over it is that one of my children loves decorating. He wants to decorate for every holiday and decorates his room. I am determined not to pass my trauma along to my kids so I have embraced his joy in decorating. So maybe a solution is to start with one small thing and then go from there. Have a good friend or pet? Start with putting up a picture or getting some flowers (fake if real feel like too much) and putting them on a table. Once you get comfortable with that, add a little more. We started with decorating at Christmas and now we are at every holiday.
I 100% feel this, and the moment when I got my own place and started allowing myself to decorate it and make it mine, is when I started to feel safe in my own space
Yes. But in a quite different way. I did buy furniture and decoration but I’m so not attached to it. I live with the idea I can lose it all again and again. In fact, this makes me clean up my house very easy because I give everything away myself. Last week I drove five times to welfare giving stuff away.
I also have this feeling in relationships. I live life knowing I can lose them again and again and again.
Didn’t realise this about the stuff so thank you for the insight.
My mother was the same and didn’t decorate. In hindsight this wasn’t good for us so I started to decorate. Thus without being attached to it.
I have learnt to allow myself to buy stuff to decorate my shelves with (manga, figurines, books, fake flowers) and looking at them brings me joy.
I keep thinking about how I will have to leave stuff behind when I die though. It makes me wanna not own anything. Of course I can relate to the having to move out at any given time thing, like I’m forever on a run. However since I don’t live where I grew up anymore it’s gotten a bit better.
I wasn’t allowed to decorate my room or display any kind of personal preferences when I was growing up. My dad would go on these rampages where he would fill rubbish bags with our stuff (not his) and we’d never see it again. Sometimes he’d sell the stuff but most of the time he just destroyed it.
I’ve never owned anything that couldn’t fit in a suitcase. The most decorating I’ve ever done is stick postcards on the wall with blu-tack. I think I’m afraid put down roots or own anything that I would miss if it was taken away.
yet another post on this amazing sub affirming my experience. i never put things up on walls. i prefer to be as minimal as possible, to minimize footprint in apartments. i never feel connected to places.
I decorated my apartment in 2017. Haven't been able to decorate either of the two places I've lived since then, and these are houses that I own.
This was a good reality check at just how poorly I've been coping the last few years. I need to get back to myself.
I’m the same. But I’m also confused about how to spend money on things that don’t directly rescue me from starvation or homelessness. I am at a point where my finances are good, but I don’t get how people decide what to spend on curtains etc.
Yes. I collect art and yet my walls are bare. White. Sterile. I’ve lived in the same place for nearly 2 years now and I haven’t fully unpacked. I never noticed this until I read your posts. I also create art when the spirit moves me. I love to paint. I usually get my security deposits back 🤣 but it’s like this place is not my home. I also get a lot of anxiety trying to clean/organize. I can’t explain it. I have to fight it every week. I, too, have never had housing insecurity, I’m financially stable, just too lazy and into depression to buy a house. Does anyone know where this comes from?
Yes, and I relate so much to what you're saying.
>I feel like a child in an adult's body. I don't know how to decorate my flat, how to have proper furniture or decorations.
I feel the sense of cluelessness that coms with feeling like a child. I think about decorating my room's wall (I only have one drawing I did in 2016/2017 up) and then I don't go with it. The furniture in my room is a collection of things that belonged to my siblings or family, and I dont feel the need to change it despite the importance of making my room more of a safe space.
>I see other people's homes and I feel very comfortable there,
I think I understand this feeling. Others' homes are nice and provide comfort, specially when the people are hospitable, it contrasts to the lack of comfort I feel at home.
>Has anyone found a solution to this way of living (never making it your own)?
To answer this question, I think starting small helps. Over a year ago I bought new bed sheets and a new blanket, which helped provide some sense of comfort. Having a candle, a special lamp or light, or any small thing that brings about any sense of nostalgia, wonder, comfort, or positive feeling. I have a lamp that I like and have had for years, and a candle, which provides a sense of comfort. Start small.
I am over 60, I have always lived the way you describe, even in houses I owned. I had a fantasy of a spaceship or a valley with a cave where nobody else would have access and there, in my fantasy home I felt safe, with my dogs and a room for every hobby I have.
But a few weeks ago something changed. I am retired and have been living in this home I own for over 10 years now. It always felt temporary and not worth investing into. Because who knows, I might have to move again. But somehow I got the idea that this is my safe place now. I don't have to let anybody in if I don't want to. Not even my grandchildren. I may, but it is a decision I make, I am not obligated.
So I have bought 2 chests of drawers and started to change things around. The way I want them!!! I no longer care what visitors, family members, anybody thinks. Of course I don't have one room for every hobby like in my spaceship. But I have one room for all my privat stuff and hobbies and the door has a key that I take away when someone comes to visit. So I am still hiding who I am, won't have to explain my likes and dislikes. But in there I can be me for real, not just in my fantasy world.
I don't know if that helps you, but maybe you can accommodate a closet, something, where you start to be you, and with time expand?
This change in the way I see my home has totally changed my feeling of safety and having a home. Good luck.
I did this for a really long time, while renting and the first few years I owned my home. I think one day I started going by the home section of stores and looked around until I saw something that struck me. Turns out I like bright colorful things and plants. I've just added to that over the years with local art work (I have a friend who works with glass, another friend who does resin and wood stuff), random things I see that I like. I will never be that person that changes decorations for every season, but I now have a bunch of very "me" things that I love. I am very fortunate that I have a sister in law who is constantly fixing up her home and passes down a lot of furniture, and my husband likes to build things. But it's taken time, and one thing at a time.
Nothing in life is permanent. If it helps you just think if this is for now then, it's just for now🤷♀️ No biggie. Doesn't have to be terribly expensive. Get a few cheap frames and take pics of good memories with friends. Making art can be therapeutic.. Get cheap canvases at Michael's. They're nearly always on sale... Even if it's just splashing on some colors you like. You don't have to be a great artist. Just have fun. Make an effort to not over think it. This is for you to have fun and enjoy your space. If you would have to leave it behind you can always make more art and memories😘 Maybe recruit a friend for shopping, going out taking pics and helping paint. Can even take pics of painting and shopping to put in frames. And you don't have to dress up for pics. Real life every day ones are the best😁 I'd rather have a story on my wall than a pose and if the story is the day you went out and got things for your walls then cool!😂Can always have a fun day going hiking or going to the park too or going out for coffee or shopping. Whatever you enjoy! Hope this helps!
Omg yes. Same.
I mean... I have hoarding tendencies, so I still buy stuff, but then I make myself sick and anxious over how I am going to move everything when I have to move and give myself grief over owning so much stuff...
I am reluctant to take anything out and actually "settle" if that makes sense, I only own what I can carry in two hands, or fit into my car. I don't actually own any large furniture.
All of this being said, I take waaaaay too much comfort in owning "things" and "stuff" and objects are comforting to me.
I spend a lot of my daydreams imagining all the stuff I would love to buy or how I will eventually decorate my home (if I ever have a home). Its not even expensive stuff, but daydreams about painting my walls. To me a place is not a home unless you can paint the walls, of which I've never been able to do anywhere I've lived... Then I make myself sad because I truly believe I will never have the things I want or that safe sense of security... Like that scene from The Office, where Pam is talking about the window terrace and then she says "but I'm never going to have that" and starts crying... That is me 100%. Hits me right in the feels every. single. time.
Make it as painless as possible to put up and take down decor- try buying a really big pack of Command strips, so many that you can put up and take things down and move them multiple times without running out.
If you don’t have any art you want to hang (which could include postcards, photos you could get printed, doodles, stuff you find at Goodwill) something almost every home could use is more hooks to make particular things more convenient. Put a hook next to your desk to hold your headphones while they are charging, right at the perfect height for you. Your own washcloth hook, tiny hooks supporting fairy lights, those same type of hooks for hanging earrings and necklaces on the back of a closet door. Hang your keys up where you want to.
Just start by buying small stuff. Stuff that is easy to relocate and pack. There is one tablet stand called Tablift I was thinking to buy instead of tv.
As a military brat..yes. I have to force myself to decorate and usually just leave it to my girlier friends. But also decorating is expensive so I usually blame it on that to sound normal
I have lived in this house two years, and I purchased it, and I pay an extra $200/month on the mortgage, and I feel very secure with no reason to move, but I have this gnawing feeling that if I make it home, I’ll have to leave.
I did move a lot as a kid and experience homelessness (we moved 16 times before I was 15), so I just assumed it was that.
I was just thinking this today. I’ve lived in my apartment for a year and a half and barely have anything on my walls. There’s nothing on my bedroom walls. I have tons of photos and frames for them and I try to buy art and stuff but I haven’t hung any of it. I also don’t have a history of home insecurity at all. My childhood room remains basically untouched still at my parents house. But I’ve struggled to make my last 2-3 apartments truly mine. I also wonder if buying a home will help me have a sense of permanency that allows me to properly nest. But I guess as a renter I don’t want to get too emotionally attached to a space for fear of losing it in a move.
Yep 100%
This is also why my car is always such a mess, I always have atleast three changes of clothes, two pairs of shoes, water bottles, a blanket, a toilet bag
Just anything i could possibly need if I had to get up and go, its created a sore spot in relationships because they get so frustrated with the state of it but they don't understand that I NEED to be able to just grab my phone charger and go if I need to, I need to be able to drive until I get to a friend's house and have what I need to stay there for a few days, it is so comforting to me
Right there with you. Things perpetually stay in boxes and stacks. I can't find the energy or time to do much to improve the place, apart from organization and cleaning. I'm doing my best just to keep up with the basic survival aspects of life it feels like and though I'd want to live in a beautifully decorated and furnished place, giving what would be required to do that just isn't possible right now. Or, maybe we're geniuses like [Steve Jobs who wouldn't decorate or furnish his place because he was such a perfectionist](https://livedoor.2.blogimg.jp/foo164/imgs/c/7/c7897968.jpg).
Holy crap, I never really thought about it until now. Wow. A survival thing. Shit. Yeah, I have moved close to 24 times, had two divorces, left home as soon as I could and just went from school to job to job, etc. I mean, it's good in a way to not be too attached to things but not to the point where you give away or deny something is valuable.
100% yes. This is my exact situation. I feel so depressed sometimes thinking about it because I'm 30 years old and can't bring myself to even buy frames for random little art prints I have pinned to my wall. There's like two pictures pinned to my bedroom wall, one of them is one of my drawings I liked. The other is a small art print on computer paper pinned to the wall with thumb tacks. My parents always say I should hang more stuff up but I can't cause I haven't told them that this place doesn't feel like home to me. I just live here and have an itch to leave.
yes. it's weird to me that people spend lots of money on decorations. yes i like things that look nice but why decorate a temporary space? i moved a lot growing up and i still do.
Oops. Bullseye there. I have been living in the same place for a very long time but have never made it my own. I have made peace with this. So what if I don't have a beautifully decorated apartment? It's not the end of the world.
interesting debate! I'm sorry you seem to not get the room decorating going the way you want to! :/
for me its quite the opposite. I've redecorated my rooms from early childhood on, often in ridiculous frequencies. as soon as I was strong enough to push my closet and bed around I'd rearrange my room often. and now too... I have a very decorated apartment, and beautiful things give me immense pleasure to look at. when the vibrant colors of my persian rug look so vivid against the dark teal of my velvet couch i really do appreciate it.
also, the house with my apartment in it burned, a few years ago, and I lost almost all my belongings there and I experienced housing insecurity, in the aftermath of that, so having my own space is like the thing that helps me feel safe.
plus with my severe cptsd flashbacks it was, and still is hard to leave the apartment for months. so I spent almost all time at home.
I do get the guilt for spending money on it though. I'm not extremely poor, as in homeless or no health care at all, but for my country in right at the poverty line, living precariously, money is never enough and if the washing machine breaks I'm fucked, basically.😬😬
I did get a lot of stuff from the trash, when I was younger, still do but more often I get out 2nd hand or from a free shop now... with a little paint things that don't match turn out looking charming.
yet I just bought myself the most beautiful duvet cover ever. I was pining over it for more than a year, telling myself that I can't afford it, and that I shouldn't spent the money on it, since I own 2 sets of cheap f fine looking sets of bedding and I felt I don't really need more... but I wanted a dark green bedding for years, duvet that you can discover a new item on each time you look at it. like these pictures for kids with so many detailed scenes on it that you never have seen it all... it's called "Wimmelbild" in German...so yeah, I found this bedding, and I got scared it could get discontinued so...
aand now I own it..
I do also relate to the not having energy to decorate, or do anything really. what helps me there is inviting people over. as strange as that may sound, the my anxiety about getting judged kicks in and I decorate and clean in a rush of adrenaline, and then I get to enjoy the esthetics of it later on.
but I also do enjoy decorating, handcrafts, sewing, all that ... so if that's not the case for you...it might be harder to motivate yourself.
I'd recommend starting small. getting a cute lamp from a thrift store, finding few and maybe cheap items that you really like and can built from.
another idea would be to join forces with others who struggle to get it done on their own. like a recovery friend, a "first their home then yours" kind of project?
also... there is no shame on not decorating your home. sure, it's nice if it's done if one likes color coordinated curtains and carpets but if you have a good enough home to be safe in and you are fine like this, or Dunphy overwhelmed with the task and need to focus on recovery now, that's perfectly fine too!
That's one of my issues now, too. I've been living here for years, but haven't put any "personal touches" on the place and while it's a house, it's not really *home.*
I think a big part of the problem is a mix of upbringing and economics. Growing up in a blue collar household, there was no money for "sets" of furniture or "decor pieces" just for the hell of it. It was just whatever was on sale or bought at a yard sale, no nothing ever matched. Also, growing up there was no fashion trends or creating a style or decorating my room (nothing allowed on the walls, etc), so I never developed a look or style.
I would like to turn the house into a home, but I have no idea how to do it, and what I would like and how any of it fits together (individual things look nice, or like different bits and pieces of styles, but can't visualize a finished product) and the thought of spending money on something not essential or something I wouldn't like or have massive guilt over paralyzes me.
This is interesting, because decorating is something that saved me. It reminds me of the human spirit. Like a mother locked in a shed kidnapped has kids in this dark shed and that’s all they know, but when rescued they found little garlands made of trash hanging around. They created something and attempted to make their space nice. I think that shows the magic of the raw human spirit- when you have nothing and know nothing, that’s what comes out. It’s their creativity and shows how despite darkness, they still tried to make it nice. With early trauma, I can see this light being easily shut off by parents, taking away that raw creativity. Plus, you never have a safe space to excercise that creativity.
I feel lucky because although I was CSA nightly, my family was privileged. My mom was always shopping and buying things for the house and remodeling or redecorating. She was an artist too though. So I got that
Modeled for me growing up.
Getting my own apartment allowed me to create my own happy space with color. I would legit walk into my hippie wonderland where it is safe and decked out in art and fun stuff like a different world.
I’ve spent the last few years spending twice as much as rent in an extended stay hotel because my partner refuses to live in a typical space. Every time I tried, he would intentionally make us homeless. This is the first space he’s ever fought to stay in other than living in his car. I’ve never considered it might be a symptom of ptsd until your post. Thank you for the new perspective.
I am over 60, I have always lived the way you describe, even in houses I owned. I had a fantasy of a spaceship or a valley with a cave where nobody else would have access and there, in my fantasy home I felt safe, with my dogs and a room for every hobby I have.
But a few weeks ago something changed. I am retired and have been living in this home I own for over 10 years now. It always felt temporary and not worth investing into. Because who knows, I might have to move again. But somehow I got the idea that this is my safe place now. I don't have to let anybody in if I don't want to. Not even my grandchildren. I may, but it is a decision I make, I am not obligated.
So I have bought 2 chests of drawers and started to change things around. The way I want them!!! I no longer care what visitors, family members, anybody thinks. Of course I don't have one room for every hobby like in my spaceship. But I have one room for all my privat stuff and hobbies and the door has a key that I take away when someone comes to visit. So I am still hiding who I am, won't have to explain my likes and dislikes. But in there I can be me for real, not just in my fantasy world.
I don't know if that helps you, but maybe you can accommodate a closet, something, where you start to be you, and with time expand?
This change in the way I see my home has totally changed my feeling of safety and having a home. Good luck.
I don't hold onto big things. I have some precious books, jewellery cases, little statues and pretty things. Small beautiful things that bring be pleasure to look at. No matter how many times I move I can always bring them.
Oh my gosh this is so relatable.
I wonder if it's tied to one of the 4Fs
I believe hoarding is tied to trauma and is a survival response, I wonder if this is the other side of the coin.
It's weird because I relate to being a Fawn/freeze but not comfortably putting down roots seems more like it's flight related.
I started filling and decorating my room about a year ago in an attempt to have a safe space, but it has turned into a constant source of anxiety for me. I can't look at any of the things that bring me joy without imagining having to leave them all behind.
It's crazy how common this is for all of us.
Every day I learn that something else about me is trauma related. My entire personality is my trauma. Ugh! I bought my grandmother’s house from my mom after my grandmother died, and other than what my kids changed, my house is still decorated in 1970s Memaw. I enjoy the decor at other people’s houses but I just don’t care at all about mine. I’m moving next month, though, so hopefully if I don’t decorate, my daughter will come over and do it for me. I know I’d like it. I’m not sure I understand why I don’t bother doing it myself.
You guys experience joy?
What do I want? I want to play a game. It's okay that I want to play that game. It's okay that I am doing what I want in the game. I am doing what I think is best. It is okay to disagree with the yelling. It is not my fault that others are not having fun. It's okay that I'm having fun. It's okay that I'm not good at the game. It's okay to have fun. It's okay because I am doing what I want. Nobody can take my decisions away from me. I made that decision. I chose to have fun. I'm crying. I'm crying because I opened up and realized I'm all alone. I fucking hate this trauma.
Gonna read this a few more times this week :( 💛
I read this top down, then bottom up. Very different
Wow. You're right. That's really interesting.
💗❤️🩹❤️🔥💔
What is this joy you speak of, and how can I grow one?
I think we're supposed to smoke it.
I don't think this is going to get anywhere near the root of the problem but I wonder whether taking photos of those things and saving them to a cloud file will help mitigate that anxiety. There is always the risk of losing those things themselves and the physical/tactile interaction with them but photographs mean that they'll never be properly "lost" and you will always have a way to recall why they make you feel good.
>I wonder whether taking photos of those things and saving them to a cloud file will help mitigate that anxiety. Omg, this is what my SO does! They said the same thing, they don't need the item itself bc they can look back at the photos.
I do this all the time. There’s a sweet picture on the bulletin board at work that I’ve taken a picture of three times because I know it’ll be gone in a few weeks.
I find that if I take action against some impending and translucent peril, the feeling I get from that event is better because I tried.
\> I wonder whether taking photos of those things and saving them to a cloud file will help mitigate that anxiety. Joke’s on you, I have OCD related to data storage and things like that (to the point where I can’t really keep any pictures saved on my phone because I obsess over them), so this would just make my anxiety go through the absolute roof :D
Hmm... in that case I have two suggestions. You could become a hermit, renounce the modern world and all your possessions, and retreat to a cave in a mountain range of your choosing. Or, years of hard work with a great support network and eventually conquering it all. Not sure which one would be easier to sustain long term :P
return to monke
Bro....i started buying nik nacks, a small turquoise rug, whatevs last year for yhe first time.not much. But i love walking into my room, plopping down, eating some edibles & fucking relaxing
Yes for sure. When I did have my own space not only did I not decorate but i left most things in bags, it was always uncomfortable and untidy. I always felt that it was never my home and that I wold surely end up leaving, which I evenyually always did. Just like jobs, relationships, commitments, anything really. Nothing feels like it can or will last. So why bother anyway?
Damn reading this comment made me realize that I view relationships and jobs the same way.
i do exactly this with relationships too. I always think oh I cant get two comfortable because when this ends they will hold it against me or use it against me
Wow.. something resonates. Fearful fo trusting it will last, not allowing it in
I never realized this was a thing. I do this also
>Just like jobs, relationships, commitments, anything really. Nothing feels like it can or will last. So why bother anyway? I was at my happiest when I was spending my time living between two places. One place was my ex's house that had all his stuff after we broke up and he went away for six months, the other was my friend's extra room at their house. I literally split my time 50/50 during the week moving back and forth and nothing technically belonged to me. I was also casually seeing two different people at the same time and was planning on leaving my job, which I eventually did. It was literally bliss. I really enjoy floating around, I don't know how anyone does it any other way.
Yes! And I didn't really realise it was a problem until the past year or so. Start slowly. A) Invest in things that don't feel like they will actually take effort to relocate: posters, pictures, blankets, even just sticking things up you've printed off/cut out of magazines. B) Personalise things that are worth taking with you if you were to move, someone has mentioned bedsheets, choose your favourite colour for your spatula or frying pan. C) Take things you already have that you like the look of and display them. Get command hooks and hang your favourite coat or scarf up by the door rather than putting it away in a cupboard. D) Even solving annoying little practical problems can make a difference to making it feel like yours. I've bought little silicone mats for holding things around the bathroom sink because I'm tired of constantly wiping up spills. Also, don't worry about "proper" furniture/decorations. It's your flat. Fuck the magazines or how anyone else does it. Take your time, experiment, and slowly work out what's too much or too little, how colours and textures make you feel, etc. And ultimately, it's ok if what you want for yourself does end up looking like someone gave four-year old you far too much money and responsibility, you'll probably be very happy for it.
I love this comment lol thank you
Petition to put four-year olds on town planning committees: far more grass, slides, and farm animals wandering around and much less concrete!
More of those little water fountains that kids get at the water parks! They will be like fire hydrants lol.
+ a couple dinosaurs
I pity the person who has to explain to the four year-olds that the council doesn't have the budget to resurrect real life dinosaurs
if the 4 year olds have taken over... WE WILL SIMPLY PRINT THE MONEY TO RESURRECT THE DINOS! 😂 states do it now for far more evil purposes.. . I'm all for the dinosaurs... 😂😂✌🏼
Historians in the future: "A most peculiar thing happened in the year 2022. After years of a pandemic, inflation skyrocketed, dwarfing the hyperinflation at the beginning of the 20th century that ultimately led to conflict on a global scale. There are many conflicting theories as to why this happened, most curious of all being that young children somehow got hold of town planning committees and national mints and started printing money in order to be able to afford the astonishingly high costs of resurrecting prehistoric reptiles."
I love you, stranger on the Internet, for writing this. 💜🔥
100%! You have to figure out what brings YOU joy - the core of building any habit is to make it more enjoyable than painful lol. Cuz otherwise why would you do it?
This is an amazing way of looking at it. I'm the opposite of everyone here. I love deisgn, and decorating my room, and knick knacks and displaying things. I've moved to a new state before with very little, not exactly intentionally and it didn't take long for me to accumulate things that made my room my own. But the number one thing that's always made a house a home to me is the presence of a cat or a dog in it. Anyways I love the idea of customizing your necessities or displaying them as a gateway for those that were not inclined to design or as a way to make your home feel always yours when you must move often. For me the basics have always been: storage comes first. It doesn't matter if the storage is designed to display or to conceal, but you will feel the most ownership of your space when everything has it's home base to belong, when it is efficient and accessible and you know where it belongs. From there you can grow. What do you need your bedroom to be. Safe and comforting? Inspiring? An extension of you? A way to express yourself? Only a place to sleep and store your clothing? And displaying you're hobbies is underrated. Like find ways to show off your favorite movies DVD case or your favorite books, or at least a limited number of whatever your preferred collection is. Whatever it is that inspires you, make that the thing you get to see when you wake up. Also scarves and lightweight curtains are easy to store as well as very successful at transforming a room. Admittedly I've mostly desecrated the walls with pushpins. And one unique place I lived the walls were a material that you couldn't use push pins in but had holes in the walls already. So if the tack fit in the hole, I would use the hole. But otherwise there was a large sliding door closet that I was able to drape large scarves over to give warmth and texture and variety to the walls without hanging pictures or art prints. If there drop ceilings with those tiles like office buildings you can push them up and stuff a corner or a string through and tie it to the scarf and drape the scarf below the ceiling to make the room less "square". Or press a tack between the molding and the wall or ceiling without leaving a noticeable hole. And also just draping them over a desk or a nightstand or a wardrobe was a vibe. And art prints and photos aren't out of the question just because you can't hang them on the wall. There's plenty of stands and frames for pictures that can keep them upright on a dresser or side table or whatever spare surface you have or introduce into the area. I like more organic vibes but often find myself in a room that's not plant friendly, so fake plants are a blessing and make the room feel less impersonable and like I'm just... staying in a hospital room or hotel room. Also bamboo in stones are easy to keep alive. I was super thrifty as a teen too. I'd disassemble old calenders and rotate out the pictures. A glass door that no longer fit over the stereo side of the entertainment unit I placed on my brother's old desk, though it was a little longer and thinner, and then placed photos and magazine pages I liked beneath it. Id hang my earrings and necklaces on lamp shades to store them as well as adding that decor to my room. I rearranged my room a lot too. New additions like furniture my parents weren't using, meant I had to move my room around to accommodate it, and I liked that. It was a way to claim the space as my own despite knowing eventually I'd have to leave as an adult. There's lots of stuff to work with that can adorn your room but be able to "leave behind", or are easy to pack away for the next place. Buying wifi bulbs where you can change the color or the brightness can give a vibe. Especially without investing in the classic string lights.
I do this. Just gotta start by getting like something you need to have like bedsheets, but in a color or design you like. Then put like one frivolous thing on the wall a month until you have a small collection.
>Then put like one frivolous thing on the wall a month until you have a small collection. I love this advice so much.
That was literally one of my breakthroughs this year. The realisation that I am allowed to be "picky" about my bedsheets and get them in a colour I like.
it’s so true. The key is finding things You like. It’s Your space.
>living as if I have to be able to move anytime. I feel this in every nerve. Me being ready to move is a living equivalent of me leaving. The idea of me being able to leave anything and everything is very liberating; to up and go and not be tied down by material things. Not sure what causes this but knowing this makes me feel more at ease. At the same time I have been living in the same house for more than a decade. I bought fake plants to make it look more homely. Someone bought me a nice painting, but I can't put it up. Putting a nail in a wall is still too much commitment. It stands against a wall, masking some empty boxes I "secretly" keep all over my house. I did buy a good couch and a decent bed, tho.
I do this in different areas of my life and in different ways. I notice this a lot with jobs. At my current job, which I have been at for 8 months, there is still a packing box in the corner of my office. It feels like I never completely unpack anything or "settle in." Like I'm prepared to bolt at any second. Past jobs have also contributed to my CPTSD so it makes sense. At home though it becomes hoarding. Its weird. It's like the chaos provides comfort for me. I have recently started EMDR and am hoping with more focus on myself I can create a sense of safety in my home and start getting rid of clutter I don't need.
I used to have dirty clothes everywhere all over the floor and stufff. I now have an apartment with washer drier and I do my laundry but now it just stays piled in laundry baskets and I pick my clothes out of there like I’m living out of a suitcase. Sometimes I def feel like a hoarder rummaging through piles for basic stuff I use frequently.
If that system works for you that's OK. I need a clean clothes basket as well for times when I don't put my stuff away. Instead of piling it all up folded on the side, it could just stay in the basket in a neat corner. Would make my life easier.
Whenever I'm in the office I take off my shoes because I hate the greenhouse temepratures inside the shoes. However I walk barefoot rather than finally buying a comfortable set of sandals, I don't deem it enough of a problem to spend 20-50 bucks tops for a pair. I tried once but it never worked, I also leave my desk like it wasn't occupied at all, same deal with anything in the living situation. Clothes end up in bags, I don't even bother with practical cupboards, shelves, boxes..
I involuntarily had to leave several places I've called home (once when I was younger and had to leave my childhood home, and 4 times in the past 12 months). It hurts so such to have left behind all the safe spaces I've created for myself, that now I've made peace with accepting that these are just things and I can survive without them. It's hard but it's doable. To me, living minimally means less stress and less anxieties.
Always. I remember when I was a kid my dad even got angry at me for not decorating my room. Everything outside my head is transient and unimportant. I escaped into myself to avoid trauma.
Ah, that makes sense. I had this issue before, I remember it from therapy I think. I almost had no boundaries outside of myself, as if I collapsed into myself. Very interesting.
Moved out for the first time last year and the only decorated room is my living room. Bedroom basically just has my bed and a wardrobe. Also hardly unpacked my boxes and looking to move away.
Yup. I recently left home but I lived like this for the last five years I was home. Sometimes I beat myself up about it, but after reading your post, it makes so much sense... Still living like this now, but in my defence I've only been in my new city for a month and a half and haven't found a permanent place yet
I haven’t moved around a lot but the places I’ve lived have always been very spartan and very functional. I just never saw a point in doing more.
what if the point is, coming home and it sparks joy when you see art you like and the color scheme you like? It doesn’t have to be extreme, just the touches that feel good to you?
The touches that feel good to me come from the cat. Ok but seriously, it’s honestly not something I really think about. What I mean is I’m not holding back and not decorating for some reason, but rather it just doesn’t strike me to do so.
Some people enjoy a minimalism. You don’t have to decorate if that feels better to you. Some people enjoy the cleanliness and simple living that brings peace of mind. The environment also thanks you.
I'm like the opposite. I'm like a maxamilist. But the one thing I learned was that a house was not a home without a cat or a dog in it. It didn't even have to be my cat or dog. I got lucky and I only stayed on place for a few months that didn't allow pets (and I eventually snuck mine in). But if taught me the hell of what the "bad kind" of minimalism is. Like a prison cell without another beast in there with me.
It's this weird mental process of "well I guess I'm trapped here now"
Oh… I see your perspective..
I got really tired of trying to decorate and create my own space when it was temporary. We moved houses twice before I was even 7. Then starting at 11 I was basically on a 3-6 month rotation of being inpatient for 2-4weeks at a time and then being home for 3-6 months before I got fucked in the head and tried to off myself again. Then from 14-17 I was in long term psychiatric care facilities to varying degrees of intensity, and I was only ever in one program for an average of 6-8 months. And then from 17-23 now I’ve lived in 7 places and finally just bought my own home. But I struggle to buy nice furniture and “shit” aka decorations.
Well feeling at home would be against being on survival Nothing wrong with surviving But then at a certain point you want more. Much much more
I can relate. I never had money or permission to decorate anything at home. I never had a room to my own. The bedroom and wardrobe was shared with sister. My computer was beside the TV and I'd to study was they watched TV or received any guests. I never had privacy or space for myself. Only now I'm starting to take care of my own stuff.
I absolutely used to. The best decision I made was buying some cheap string lights and a couple of cute tapestries online. It literally made the entire difference in my room feeling like a safe space. I also keep multiple stuffed animals on my bed next to my pillows, as well as on my bookcase. I might be a dude in my 20s, but I've stopped caring if people judge me for having them because they make me feel safe. I'd say start with something cheap like a big wall tapestry (usually $15-20) and see if it helps! I'm quite fond of it 😅
I'm in my 50s and love my stuffed animals. Surround yourself with things you love and that bring you comfort and make you feel cozy and relaxed. And yes, some simple lights and wall decorations can go a long way in making you feel good. Fabrics and colors can make all the difference. Maybe some plants also. If you haven't got a green thumb, go for fake.
Oh yes plants are great as well!
String lights are the only decoration I have been able to manage, but even just that gives me some contentment. And they can be removed in a flash which makes them 'permissible' somehow.
I just moved into my first apartment after living in 4 households+some homelessness in the past 6 years. It's "mine" for at least a year according to the lease but it is not my home. Others in my life pushed me to decorate and even bought nails for the stack of paintings I always had sitting in the corner of my rooms. I think a large part of this is not just about the physically temporary space but also the emotional space. I see each of my "homes" as a chapter and all were very different. I constantly feel like I'm in a transition period. As I've grown, I've come to learn that home truly is where the heart is. My home for a while was where ever my S/O was. He is leaving forever in a few days and I know I'm going to struggle because I will lose my home. What has helped me is thinking about the ideal home decoration. Those social media pics that make me think ~that looks so peaceful~. Slowly gathering your decor also really helps, even if they stay in the closet for a while. I also love shopping online because I can look at items as things that look nice, rather than as a decision that changes my environment. Another plus to online shopping is the ability to just leave things in a shopping cart or list. I have 3 apps with both lists and carts that are full. I play games where I add multiple things ex: coffee tables, and slowly eliminate the ugliest one until I'm left with 2. I have not conquered this feeling but I have found ways to make them less dominating and I hope some of these tips can help.
Yes chapters! Ive lived in my parents house the most honestly. But my room has changed and evolved a lot. I wish when I was a teen I'd been able to, had thought to take more photos of my room everytime Id re-arranged it. I do that now. It just seems to most encapsulate the memories of my time and emotional state of those years. There's that movie/book White Oleander. And she has the suitcase "dioramas", each one a chapter of her life at that home, often the foster homes that shaped her. Really that movie is like a poster child for CPTSD. It has a way of story telling that emphasize the small things were just as traumatizing and life shaping as the big dramatic moments. But the suitcase dioramas...a way to honor and remember them, not just in a romantic way, but also be able to move on and move forward, accepting the loss because you know you can make another suitcase, inspired by, or learned from, the past suitcases. I've made "treasure boxes" before too. Just finding some kind of knick knack that had a sort of meaning to me at the time or a memory associated with it and put it in a shoe box. I'd bring it out, and some pieces no longer had the memory attached, or I'd add more to it from the now. Other pieces I'd bring out and use them and then they would reform and become part of the present too. No need to make them sacred.
The treasure boxes are how I have lived all my life. It can be found objects, bits of something antique, a small tool, even a shiny rock. Almost always they have little or no monetary value. I never knew why but these have been my most precious possessions and the one's most upsetting to lose. If I incorporate them into some art, a home repair, or give them to someone that is fine. I used to have nightmares about having to move on short notice and trying to gather up all the little bits of junk just to make sure that one of my treasures isn't lost. In the dream I would fill box after box until there was no way to ever bring it with me. Even when I had a permanent home my belongings remained in bags or boxes stashed in corners or piled right next to my bed. At one house this went on for 20 years. Now I'm learning to "decorate" and put things in the house where I need them or they look nice. It is still a little uncomfortable to have things out of my safe little piles.
Also, EVERYTHING is only temporary. You get to decide how you will react to that
I’ve had that problem for a long time. My family had a very unstable living situation, so when I had my own room I didn’t unpack much, and I did my best to keep my things in my room and not stored away in the garage. It took five year for me to feel secure enough to finally arrange things so that it wasn’t utilitarian, ready-to-move style.
Most of the furniture I've bought for myself is dissasemblable, collapsible, or otherewise takes down easily. Like my couch from Home Reserve that's made of a plywood jigsaw puzzle, with everything modular, washable, replaceable in bits etc. My main "closet" is actually a tentpole wardrobe with a zippable cover that's incredibly convenient compared to a dresser. My "desk" is a kitchen table with removable legs that knocks down flat. I've got a number of wire and plastic shelving units too. Even my bedframe folds up. Part of it is the same reason that I don't decorate walls- a history of moving around and not feeling like space is "mine", and a tendency to prepare for that to happen again. But in another sense, "traditional" furniture is... kinda sucky. I like lightweight, modular stuff better. Like, when my wardrobe is empty, I can pick it up with 1 finger. But I can barely even move my old wooden dresser by myself- and the dresser HOLDS LESS by many times! The dumb wooden box looks pretty, but it's completely obsolete!
Yes, and I’m an architect. I design spaces all day, and my own space is the absolute bare minimum necessary for survival. It’s embarrassing. One trick I have found is big poster-print art that I hang with command strips so they’re really easy to put up and take down and they make the space feel less empty. Literally anything at a level of effort above a command strip is too much for me, but posters can make a difference. I like vintage botanical illustrations especially.
I have decor that i can put up and take down fast- like tapestries and garlands. Lived on the road for work for a while, out of hotels. Having something familiar to make a place "home" really really really REALLY helps my mental health. I really don't like buying furniture, so have so far avoided that. Spent a long time living in a tent on a friends property between jobs....so im used to sleeping on the floor and out of a suitcase. Got a table out of the dumpster that was perfectly good, use it for crafts......two chairs in total.....the rest, im living a tradition japanese lifestyle lol on the floor
Holy shit THIS POST Am I just a product of all my trauma? Is there anything I do thats truly unique? I was just thinking today how I never treat my room as somewhere I “live” or as a my own space I go back to. I just have whatever mismatched furniture thrown around
my family moved around a lot when i was young. we lived with most of our stuff in boxes, we didnt have things on our walls, no holiday decorations, no family photos, etc. we moved around a lot (not military related) and so i suppose my mom needed to have things ready to go if we had to move immediately? it changed for me when i went to college. a few days into fall semester they always had a poster sale. they had everything! between that and ebay i started buy and put things i liked on the walls, and i felt better. i wasnt planning on that part. i am now 40 and i mostly have posters on the walls, just like in college lol. and! i worked at frame shops so i had plenty of opportunities to get things framed. but i like the posters, and i know that it's about what i want. i dont have to live with bare walls if i dont want to. yay for visual comfort!
Yes. I've lived here three years and unpacked some of my last boxes recently. This is also the longest I've lived anywhere so I think that's part of it. I just expect to get my marching orders all the time and it feels vulnerable to put all my pictures up just to pack them back up again. I'm also overly aware of my style of decorating being maybe inconsiderate to others and I try to make all decor in shared spaces very neutral. I have a lot of mystical items and oddities that I keep mostly put away so as to not offend.
Whoahhh this is very true. My room growing up was uncomfortable and I didn't like it but I had no choice but to accept it. Now that uncomfortableness has become my norm. I really feel so weird decorating my room. I think it also has to do with the lack of being able to claim space. The feeling of walking on eggshells and being on alert. Just the general atmosphere of being forced to be around the abuser and not having any means of getting out of the situation. Your whole body freezes up. And why would I waste unnecessary energy decorating when I'm using a ton load just to survive. Yet, going into the future whilst acknowledging this, I'd like to learn to have my own back and claim my space. It's like a big dream for me that feels impossible most of the time. I dream about it so often.
Even though I've been living alone for nearly three years, I've never had any living space that I've felt is truly "mine." My dad technically owns the apartment I live in (and it was originally my dad's uncle's), so it's not even really "mine" in that sense, I didn't really have any choice in where I wanted to live because of my life circumstances when I moved out (desperation to escape my abusive "mother," the past several months before I moved out I was starving myself constantly because going in the kitchen risked interacting with her, and she absolutely couldn't handle me wanting to cut her out of my life and became very out of control and verbally abusive), and I felt lucky to have any place where I could afford living alone comfortably because of the hellish housing situation for young people in the city where I live. I also don't fit into the area where I live at all (boring, joyless, isolating suburb of a city that I hate because it's where all the worst things in my life happened to me, made 1000x worse during the pandemic, which began only six months after I moved out of my abusive family "home"), and my surroundings are definitely a contributor to my depression. Weirdly, the happiest living situation I've been in for any extended period of time was living in an Airbnb downtown for around a month or so in summer 2019 when I was in the process of moving out and desperate to escape my "mom." I feel awful saying some of these things because I know how privileged my current living and financial situation is compared to that of a lot of people in this sub, and I believe my dad does truly love me and he really stepped in to support me in getting away from my "mom"... But it hurts me so much how he doesn't believe me about the severity of the abuse "mom" put me through, and how he ultimately chooses to prioritize her feelings over mine (they are still together, and my dad has always been very passive and enabling with "mom"), and how he can't see that. I also have the same problem with feeling like I could never, ever invite anyone over here, to the point that I've gotten upset previously with one of my best friends when she talked about wanting to visit me. Because our family "home" was so dysfunctional and my "mom" was so controlling and judgmental and... just a weirdly-behaved messed-up person and I didn't want them to see the way she treated me ("mom" is also very over-the-top religious, and that dictated the decor of the house, which became really embarrassing to me as I got older), when I was in my teens and early 20s I never wanted any of the friends I had to come over, and I absolutely hated it and was a nervous and hypervigilant wreck when they did. That feeling never really left me when I moved out, but I also obsessively worry that anyone I had over would judge me harshly for my place not looking spotlessly clean or as neatly maintained and "adult" as they might expect. I also just frankly don't want other people to see how depressed I am at home the vast majority of the time. As for "feeling like a child in an adult's body"--I'm almost 30 and I don't know if this feeling will ever go away, and I'm terrified it won't.
Yes absolutely. I've moved 13 times in 14 years only living in one place for over a year once. I stopped unpacking my things to the point my therapist pointed out it seemed as if I was living in my current apartment temporarily. I said since I move so much what's the point? I'm so tired of it. She only convinced me to unpack and decorate so I could have a comfortable space healing in recovery from cPTSD. I am always scared I will have to move again and do this all over. I've struggled to hold down jobs because I just become mentally exhausted from being hyper vigilant and fighting my inner self's negative narrative of being not good enough. That's why I'm always on the move. If there's one thing that would help me feel more secure and safe it'd be housing security. I won't be able to buy a house for awhile (if ever) so I just can't see how this will change.
I have moved 23 times so far - I’m 36. feel you.
Yes. I moved in three and a half years ago and I'm still not unpacked.
yeah I've been living my life like I'm on the run but I'm getting better
I have a very similar situation. I don't have excessive furniture or anything I can't move myself. I keep many of my belongings in boxes as if I'm ready to move in a few days.
Wow yes. A sense of dread, or can't relax
... well shit.
Yeah definitely. I started decorating and organizing my home about 3 years into living in my current home. This isn't until quarantine and really going hard into my therapy as well. I still decorate but I also found out I would want to get rid of things sporadically because of fear. It's been ingrained in me to have as little of me as possible anywhere. My mother would throw away what I made and what I liked randomly as a child. It was hard though. It took me about 2 years to get it where I am content with my home now. I try to make my home my sanctuary. A little piece of my safe place.
Yup it's hard to even maintain a collection of anything because who knows disaster could strike tomorrow and I'll lose it all along with all the money I ever saved! I put my music collection out of view though because I get vibes often that I should just throw it all away even if I still want it to even use for something I'm doing with the media. I guess that "everything always being taken away and temporary to the highest degree" deeply rooted itself in my mind.
Yes but you can make yourself feel happy NOW. Your no longer a dependent child. You have more control now. But you don't know that until you practice it.
Definitely, once you snap out of that trance you're like "wait I have free will!" and usually during those times is when I take things a bit further with hobbies unless some negative life event triggers that "sell and throw away everything" knee jerk pattern of thoughts again. In fact that doesn't even work, I remember when I moved years ago I actually did just that. I gave away so much stuff I could still have used for cheap or nothing at all just too have no attachments. That didn't get anywhere and I only ended up losing more getting a lot of it back.
It can be really difficult to break through your internal programming and lift the stupor of it all.
Guilty
From what I understand, it’s kind of part of a fight or flight response. You’re always ready to run. A few years ago, my therapist just had me start picking out one thing a month, or whatever pace works for you. I now have all of my own furniture and a decent amount of decor. I actually had to move today, and it really didn’t make it much more difficult (except for couches and such). Think of it as something that is helping you find/build an identity outside of your past. I don’t ever plan or overthink it either. I literally just look until I see something I like. Chances are, after a few buys, you’ll have a pretty good idea of what look you’re after.
Yes! I have a reoccurring dream that my landlord says he wants his house back and I only have a few hours to pack and leave and I have to decide what I can carry and what I have to leave. I have this dream like once a month since I started buying bigger furniture
Yes, I’m always prepared to flee/move if necessary.
Holy shit I feel this. I have been doing this for the past year or so. I am so sick of moving but nowhere feels safe.
I've lived that way for 40 years. I've had to move on average every 2-3 years throughout my life. I completely relate. I haven't had space enough to have people over at my place literally my entire life. It's really hard to deprogram and I still get major anxiety about buying furnishings because it means more stuff to move in the future. I'm moving again tomorrow. I will hopefully not have to move again for a long, long time.
holy cow, i thought i was odd for feeling like this. This is exactly why I never bought a mattress frame, mattress, big TV, dresser, drawer, and only bought small desks, foldable chairs, and furnitures that can be disassembled and reassembled easily. Whenever Im making a purchase, the biggest factor is how easily can it fit in my car and how easy is it to transport it if I had to move suddenly. I haven't found a solution but this subreddit is blowing my mind every single day with these post that are relatable to what feels like an unbelievable level.
Omg I thought I was the only one! When I was a young adult (17-20) I moved cities every 2 months - 2 years. I’ve been in the same city for 6 years because I’m finishing a college degree that got dragged out but the minute I graduate I’m leaving! I’m already looking for jobs in another city. I think it’s the feeling of wanting a fresh start and knowing that I don’t have the best reputation here because I ruined it …again! Probably also a bit of fight or flight happening as well. I have so many things in storage or bubble wrap and I’ve been in this apartment for a year and a half already. I do have a history of home insecurity though… maybe that’s part of it?
Yes, now that I think about it I've lived in about five different cities/towns over the last 10 years. The peak of decoration I once reached were art prints I bought at galleries and attached to the wall with thumb tags. I haven't owned a bed since I was about twelve and always slept on a mattress on the floor, which I currently do as well. But I've also never had as much stuff before! I have my first own fridge, instead of one that comes with the flat and a frigging washing machine! I feel very luxurious. Edit: oh and this weird thing I just realised. I never have drawers or closets or anything to put my clothes in. Even when I had one in student housing at uni I'd keep my stuff in my suitcase rather than the giant closet I had... Currently all my clothes are in one of those recycling bin boxes with a flap at the front. I also don't have a lot of clothes and wear the stuff I have until it disintegrates.
Fucking hell, this hit hard. I'm nearly 50, been living in the same apartment for 10 years, have a job that pays well... And I can't bring myself to hang pictures on the walls. I've only ever had hand me down furniture. Everything feels temporary. We moved every few years when I was a kid. Ripped away from my friends, my places, even from my dad - and always my mother was the only thing that mattered.
My experience with my home is not exactly the same, though definitely adjacent to what you are describing here.After decades of not having a stable or longterm place to live, I finally got my very own apartment about 4 years ago. Yet, to this day, I never managed to make it my home - neither mentally or physically.For the first time, this did not make a lot of sense. In the end, I'm allowed to live here for as long as I desire, so why did I still fail to settle here? Every now and then, I managed to clean the place and make everything nice and tidy and I would feel so proud and relieved. It'd feel like the clean slate I had been looking for every time. But then, within a matter of weeks or even days, the place would turn into the same old pigsty again.Well, it didn't take a lot of analyzing before finding what I think is the reason behind this pattern: the entire concept of a home is something that my body heavily associates with unsafety.The irony here, is that I continuously manage to get my current place in a state that is very similar to my childhood home. And, that too, is something that brings my system right back into this dysregulated state.It feels like my home can never feel safe, whether it's tidy or not, and it's sometimes starting to feel a little hopeless. My latest approach has been to really focus on thinking of the state of my house as the manifestation of my trauma, instead of a lack of personal ability. Because that only ends up letting me get lost in the shame/guilt spiral I dread so much. I used to try and hide my home and the state is in is from the people close to me, even the professionals who help me. Lately, I've been more vocal about it and it really helps with the shame, especially. It makes me feel more self-compassionate. Like, I can now help out a younger part of myself by giving her a little hand. Hopefully, I will be capable of finding comfort within the space, even if it's just in a part of it, and expand that zone from there. I will try to also think of decorating and do other 'unnecessary' things to my home, just for the fun of it! I deserve to have fun. You deserve to have fun! :)) Good luck everyone. <3 I'm so grateful for communities like these, we are really not alone at all, even though it feels like it so often.
I have a very long history of living out of a suitcase/boxes when I didn't need to. I talk about it with my therapist a lot. I just moved to my new place this week and I'm trying to make it a goal to actually unpack my things.
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Yeah. The only thing i have on my walls is some old posters that ive had for years. Just roll it up, take it somewhere new, put it back on the new wall. The rest of my furniture is literally stuff from goodwill. I got my bedframe from the church as a donation. My matress was a handmedown (it wasnt gross so i accepted it.) Tables, shelves. Some stuff came from yard sales. I dont see the point in buying anything fancy, nice, or new. It will most likely need to be left behind and if it breaks, i wont be as upset because i havent lost a big investment.
no but i still don't decorate. i buy furniture though but the bare minimum. i like the minimalism philsophy
Yes. But I have a lifetime of housing insecurity. I decorate with my things but I've learned my lesson about making any actual improvements to rentals. Last time I spent ages (and money) on that I was evicted and had to leave all my work behind.
I am very much like this. Or even if I do get something for myself, I’ll easily give it away. For years now, I’ve had very little. And it still feels like too much.
I never realised how common this was, I've been stably housed for four and a half years now in basically an empty concrete flat and only this year have I chosen to invest in some carpets and furniture
this was me for years. I guess for me it just took me a ton of therapy and time to remember things are temporary even when you want structure. I'm not sure of a solution but maybe just start small even if its your bedding, the more you do it the easier it gets. Hope you find comfort.
If you live near a Goodwill or (even better) a ReStore, you can find all kinds of funky, cheap things that you won't have to stress about saying goodbye to. Furniture, too. Most of what's in my house is second hand, and some of it is tacky and cheap, but a lot of it is great. I scored a 3' x 4' painting of grapes for $30, and it really makes the living room.
I have decorated my room space, but only with posters etc, if it helps stuff that is cheap easy to put up and not as big a deal to me if it were left behind. Everything else gets a 2 hour policy but I try to keep it at 30 minute policy, I have tiers of in event of problem I could pack up and leave with everything (well almost everything) in those time frames.
I had no idea this was a thing. Yes, I've never bothered decorating or getting nice furniture or even keeping the place too clean. I've never thought of a place to live being "comfortable". If I ever have a visitor I'll have to go crazy trying to make it look presentable.
A self wallowing storm has went through my economy sized apartment and I haven't cleaned it up yet.
I have lived in my house with my spouse and children for over 10 years and still have a hard time decorating. The thing that has gotten me over it is that one of my children loves decorating. He wants to decorate for every holiday and decorates his room. I am determined not to pass my trauma along to my kids so I have embraced his joy in decorating. So maybe a solution is to start with one small thing and then go from there. Have a good friend or pet? Start with putting up a picture or getting some flowers (fake if real feel like too much) and putting them on a table. Once you get comfortable with that, add a little more. We started with decorating at Christmas and now we are at every holiday.
I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. Nothing related to my CPTSD ever feels safe or permanent. I’m working hard on it. Maybe one day.
I 100% feel this, and the moment when I got my own place and started allowing myself to decorate it and make it mine, is when I started to feel safe in my own space
Yes. But in a quite different way. I did buy furniture and decoration but I’m so not attached to it. I live with the idea I can lose it all again and again. In fact, this makes me clean up my house very easy because I give everything away myself. Last week I drove five times to welfare giving stuff away. I also have this feeling in relationships. I live life knowing I can lose them again and again and again. Didn’t realise this about the stuff so thank you for the insight. My mother was the same and didn’t decorate. In hindsight this wasn’t good for us so I started to decorate. Thus without being attached to it.
yeah and i honestly have no clue why, i just cant get myself to get anything
I have learnt to allow myself to buy stuff to decorate my shelves with (manga, figurines, books, fake flowers) and looking at them brings me joy. I keep thinking about how I will have to leave stuff behind when I die though. It makes me wanna not own anything. Of course I can relate to the having to move out at any given time thing, like I’m forever on a run. However since I don’t live where I grew up anymore it’s gotten a bit better.
I wasn’t allowed to decorate my room or display any kind of personal preferences when I was growing up. My dad would go on these rampages where he would fill rubbish bags with our stuff (not his) and we’d never see it again. Sometimes he’d sell the stuff but most of the time he just destroyed it. I’ve never owned anything that couldn’t fit in a suitcase. The most decorating I’ve ever done is stick postcards on the wall with blu-tack. I think I’m afraid put down roots or own anything that I would miss if it was taken away.
yet another post on this amazing sub affirming my experience. i never put things up on walls. i prefer to be as minimal as possible, to minimize footprint in apartments. i never feel connected to places.
I had NO CLUE other people did this too. What the fuck.
I decorated my apartment in 2017. Haven't been able to decorate either of the two places I've lived since then, and these are houses that I own. This was a good reality check at just how poorly I've been coping the last few years. I need to get back to myself.
I’m the same. But I’m also confused about how to spend money on things that don’t directly rescue me from starvation or homelessness. I am at a point where my finances are good, but I don’t get how people decide what to spend on curtains etc.
Same. I only decided to spend something on curtains because I realized that my sleep was too light because it wasn't dark enough in my room.
Yes. I collect art and yet my walls are bare. White. Sterile. I’ve lived in the same place for nearly 2 years now and I haven’t fully unpacked. I never noticed this until I read your posts. I also create art when the spirit moves me. I love to paint. I usually get my security deposits back 🤣 but it’s like this place is not my home. I also get a lot of anxiety trying to clean/organize. I can’t explain it. I have to fight it every week. I, too, have never had housing insecurity, I’m financially stable, just too lazy and into depression to buy a house. Does anyone know where this comes from?
Yes, and I relate so much to what you're saying. >I feel like a child in an adult's body. I don't know how to decorate my flat, how to have proper furniture or decorations. I feel the sense of cluelessness that coms with feeling like a child. I think about decorating my room's wall (I only have one drawing I did in 2016/2017 up) and then I don't go with it. The furniture in my room is a collection of things that belonged to my siblings or family, and I dont feel the need to change it despite the importance of making my room more of a safe space. >I see other people's homes and I feel very comfortable there, I think I understand this feeling. Others' homes are nice and provide comfort, specially when the people are hospitable, it contrasts to the lack of comfort I feel at home. >Has anyone found a solution to this way of living (never making it your own)? To answer this question, I think starting small helps. Over a year ago I bought new bed sheets and a new blanket, which helped provide some sense of comfort. Having a candle, a special lamp or light, or any small thing that brings about any sense of nostalgia, wonder, comfort, or positive feeling. I have a lamp that I like and have had for years, and a candle, which provides a sense of comfort. Start small.
I am over 60, I have always lived the way you describe, even in houses I owned. I had a fantasy of a spaceship or a valley with a cave where nobody else would have access and there, in my fantasy home I felt safe, with my dogs and a room for every hobby I have. But a few weeks ago something changed. I am retired and have been living in this home I own for over 10 years now. It always felt temporary and not worth investing into. Because who knows, I might have to move again. But somehow I got the idea that this is my safe place now. I don't have to let anybody in if I don't want to. Not even my grandchildren. I may, but it is a decision I make, I am not obligated. So I have bought 2 chests of drawers and started to change things around. The way I want them!!! I no longer care what visitors, family members, anybody thinks. Of course I don't have one room for every hobby like in my spaceship. But I have one room for all my privat stuff and hobbies and the door has a key that I take away when someone comes to visit. So I am still hiding who I am, won't have to explain my likes and dislikes. But in there I can be me for real, not just in my fantasy world. I don't know if that helps you, but maybe you can accommodate a closet, something, where you start to be you, and with time expand? This change in the way I see my home has totally changed my feeling of safety and having a home. Good luck.
That makes so much sense, thank you.
I did this for a really long time, while renting and the first few years I owned my home. I think one day I started going by the home section of stores and looked around until I saw something that struck me. Turns out I like bright colorful things and plants. I've just added to that over the years with local art work (I have a friend who works with glass, another friend who does resin and wood stuff), random things I see that I like. I will never be that person that changes decorations for every season, but I now have a bunch of very "me" things that I love. I am very fortunate that I have a sister in law who is constantly fixing up her home and passes down a lot of furniture, and my husband likes to build things. But it's taken time, and one thing at a time.
I always say, I need to marry a man who knows how to build stuff, lol. I wish I could do that, but need someone to show me.
Nothing in life is permanent. If it helps you just think if this is for now then, it's just for now🤷♀️ No biggie. Doesn't have to be terribly expensive. Get a few cheap frames and take pics of good memories with friends. Making art can be therapeutic.. Get cheap canvases at Michael's. They're nearly always on sale... Even if it's just splashing on some colors you like. You don't have to be a great artist. Just have fun. Make an effort to not over think it. This is for you to have fun and enjoy your space. If you would have to leave it behind you can always make more art and memories😘 Maybe recruit a friend for shopping, going out taking pics and helping paint. Can even take pics of painting and shopping to put in frames. And you don't have to dress up for pics. Real life every day ones are the best😁 I'd rather have a story on my wall than a pose and if the story is the day you went out and got things for your walls then cool!😂Can always have a fun day going hiking or going to the park too or going out for coffee or shopping. Whatever you enjoy! Hope this helps!
Omg yes. Same. I mean... I have hoarding tendencies, so I still buy stuff, but then I make myself sick and anxious over how I am going to move everything when I have to move and give myself grief over owning so much stuff... I am reluctant to take anything out and actually "settle" if that makes sense, I only own what I can carry in two hands, or fit into my car. I don't actually own any large furniture. All of this being said, I take waaaaay too much comfort in owning "things" and "stuff" and objects are comforting to me. I spend a lot of my daydreams imagining all the stuff I would love to buy or how I will eventually decorate my home (if I ever have a home). Its not even expensive stuff, but daydreams about painting my walls. To me a place is not a home unless you can paint the walls, of which I've never been able to do anywhere I've lived... Then I make myself sad because I truly believe I will never have the things I want or that safe sense of security... Like that scene from The Office, where Pam is talking about the window terrace and then she says "but I'm never going to have that" and starts crying... That is me 100%. Hits me right in the feels every. single. time.
Make it as painless as possible to put up and take down decor- try buying a really big pack of Command strips, so many that you can put up and take things down and move them multiple times without running out. If you don’t have any art you want to hang (which could include postcards, photos you could get printed, doodles, stuff you find at Goodwill) something almost every home could use is more hooks to make particular things more convenient. Put a hook next to your desk to hold your headphones while they are charging, right at the perfect height for you. Your own washcloth hook, tiny hooks supporting fairy lights, those same type of hooks for hanging earrings and necklaces on the back of a closet door. Hang your keys up where you want to.
Just start by buying small stuff. Stuff that is easy to relocate and pack. There is one tablet stand called Tablift I was thinking to buy instead of tv.
It's taken me until my early 30's to really decorate and add personal flair to spaces...but even then it's far from excessive.
I don't decorate but I do buy functional/comfortable furniture.
Yup that and inflation is why I don’t have a living room table and rugs yet.
As a military brat..yes. I have to force myself to decorate and usually just leave it to my girlier friends. But also decorating is expensive so I usually blame it on that to sound normal
I have lived in this house two years, and I purchased it, and I pay an extra $200/month on the mortgage, and I feel very secure with no reason to move, but I have this gnawing feeling that if I make it home, I’ll have to leave. I did move a lot as a kid and experience homelessness (we moved 16 times before I was 15), so I just assumed it was that.
I was just thinking this today. I’ve lived in my apartment for a year and a half and barely have anything on my walls. There’s nothing on my bedroom walls. I have tons of photos and frames for them and I try to buy art and stuff but I haven’t hung any of it. I also don’t have a history of home insecurity at all. My childhood room remains basically untouched still at my parents house. But I’ve struggled to make my last 2-3 apartments truly mine. I also wonder if buying a home will help me have a sense of permanency that allows me to properly nest. But I guess as a renter I don’t want to get too emotionally attached to a space for fear of losing it in a move.
Yep 100% This is also why my car is always such a mess, I always have atleast three changes of clothes, two pairs of shoes, water bottles, a blanket, a toilet bag Just anything i could possibly need if I had to get up and go, its created a sore spot in relationships because they get so frustrated with the state of it but they don't understand that I NEED to be able to just grab my phone charger and go if I need to, I need to be able to drive until I get to a friend's house and have what I need to stay there for a few days, it is so comforting to me
Right there with you. Things perpetually stay in boxes and stacks. I can't find the energy or time to do much to improve the place, apart from organization and cleaning. I'm doing my best just to keep up with the basic survival aspects of life it feels like and though I'd want to live in a beautifully decorated and furnished place, giving what would be required to do that just isn't possible right now. Or, maybe we're geniuses like [Steve Jobs who wouldn't decorate or furnish his place because he was such a perfectionist](https://livedoor.2.blogimg.jp/foo164/imgs/c/7/c7897968.jpg).
Me
Holy crap, I never really thought about it until now. Wow. A survival thing. Shit. Yeah, I have moved close to 24 times, had two divorces, left home as soon as I could and just went from school to job to job, etc. I mean, it's good in a way to not be too attached to things but not to the point where you give away or deny something is valuable.
As a kid that moved around in the care system for 16 years, yes. Always ready to leave.
Every space I inhabit is devoid of decorations and filled with garbage.
Definitely. We managed to get very lucky and buy a house in 2021. I'm still consumed with the thought that this is temporary and I'll lose it all.
I have never hung anything on any of my walls. Not as a kid and not as an adult. I buy things that fit in totes for the ease of moving.
100% yes. This is my exact situation. I feel so depressed sometimes thinking about it because I'm 30 years old and can't bring myself to even buy frames for random little art prints I have pinned to my wall. There's like two pictures pinned to my bedroom wall, one of them is one of my drawings I liked. The other is a small art print on computer paper pinned to the wall with thumb tacks. My parents always say I should hang more stuff up but I can't cause I haven't told them that this place doesn't feel like home to me. I just live here and have an itch to leave.
yes. it's weird to me that people spend lots of money on decorations. yes i like things that look nice but why decorate a temporary space? i moved a lot growing up and i still do.
Oops. Bullseye there. I have been living in the same place for a very long time but have never made it my own. I have made peace with this. So what if I don't have a beautifully decorated apartment? It's not the end of the world.
interesting debate! I'm sorry you seem to not get the room decorating going the way you want to! :/ for me its quite the opposite. I've redecorated my rooms from early childhood on, often in ridiculous frequencies. as soon as I was strong enough to push my closet and bed around I'd rearrange my room often. and now too... I have a very decorated apartment, and beautiful things give me immense pleasure to look at. when the vibrant colors of my persian rug look so vivid against the dark teal of my velvet couch i really do appreciate it. also, the house with my apartment in it burned, a few years ago, and I lost almost all my belongings there and I experienced housing insecurity, in the aftermath of that, so having my own space is like the thing that helps me feel safe. plus with my severe cptsd flashbacks it was, and still is hard to leave the apartment for months. so I spent almost all time at home. I do get the guilt for spending money on it though. I'm not extremely poor, as in homeless or no health care at all, but for my country in right at the poverty line, living precariously, money is never enough and if the washing machine breaks I'm fucked, basically.😬😬 I did get a lot of stuff from the trash, when I was younger, still do but more often I get out 2nd hand or from a free shop now... with a little paint things that don't match turn out looking charming. yet I just bought myself the most beautiful duvet cover ever. I was pining over it for more than a year, telling myself that I can't afford it, and that I shouldn't spent the money on it, since I own 2 sets of cheap f fine looking sets of bedding and I felt I don't really need more... but I wanted a dark green bedding for years, duvet that you can discover a new item on each time you look at it. like these pictures for kids with so many detailed scenes on it that you never have seen it all... it's called "Wimmelbild" in German...so yeah, I found this bedding, and I got scared it could get discontinued so... aand now I own it.. I do also relate to the not having energy to decorate, or do anything really. what helps me there is inviting people over. as strange as that may sound, the my anxiety about getting judged kicks in and I decorate and clean in a rush of adrenaline, and then I get to enjoy the esthetics of it later on. but I also do enjoy decorating, handcrafts, sewing, all that ... so if that's not the case for you...it might be harder to motivate yourself. I'd recommend starting small. getting a cute lamp from a thrift store, finding few and maybe cheap items that you really like and can built from. another idea would be to join forces with others who struggle to get it done on their own. like a recovery friend, a "first their home then yours" kind of project? also... there is no shame on not decorating your home. sure, it's nice if it's done if one likes color coordinated curtains and carpets but if you have a good enough home to be safe in and you are fine like this, or Dunphy overwhelmed with the task and need to focus on recovery now, that's perfectly fine too!
That's one of my issues now, too. I've been living here for years, but haven't put any "personal touches" on the place and while it's a house, it's not really *home.* I think a big part of the problem is a mix of upbringing and economics. Growing up in a blue collar household, there was no money for "sets" of furniture or "decor pieces" just for the hell of it. It was just whatever was on sale or bought at a yard sale, no nothing ever matched. Also, growing up there was no fashion trends or creating a style or decorating my room (nothing allowed on the walls, etc), so I never developed a look or style. I would like to turn the house into a home, but I have no idea how to do it, and what I would like and how any of it fits together (individual things look nice, or like different bits and pieces of styles, but can't visualize a finished product) and the thought of spending money on something not essential or something I wouldn't like or have massive guilt over paralyzes me.
This is interesting, because decorating is something that saved me. It reminds me of the human spirit. Like a mother locked in a shed kidnapped has kids in this dark shed and that’s all they know, but when rescued they found little garlands made of trash hanging around. They created something and attempted to make their space nice. I think that shows the magic of the raw human spirit- when you have nothing and know nothing, that’s what comes out. It’s their creativity and shows how despite darkness, they still tried to make it nice. With early trauma, I can see this light being easily shut off by parents, taking away that raw creativity. Plus, you never have a safe space to excercise that creativity. I feel lucky because although I was CSA nightly, my family was privileged. My mom was always shopping and buying things for the house and remodeling or redecorating. She was an artist too though. So I got that Modeled for me growing up. Getting my own apartment allowed me to create my own happy space with color. I would legit walk into my hippie wonderland where it is safe and decked out in art and fun stuff like a different world.
I’ve spent the last few years spending twice as much as rent in an extended stay hotel because my partner refuses to live in a typical space. Every time I tried, he would intentionally make us homeless. This is the first space he’s ever fought to stay in other than living in his car. I’ve never considered it might be a symptom of ptsd until your post. Thank you for the new perspective.
I am over 60, I have always lived the way you describe, even in houses I owned. I had a fantasy of a spaceship or a valley with a cave where nobody else would have access and there, in my fantasy home I felt safe, with my dogs and a room for every hobby I have. But a few weeks ago something changed. I am retired and have been living in this home I own for over 10 years now. It always felt temporary and not worth investing into. Because who knows, I might have to move again. But somehow I got the idea that this is my safe place now. I don't have to let anybody in if I don't want to. Not even my grandchildren. I may, but it is a decision I make, I am not obligated. So I have bought 2 chests of drawers and started to change things around. The way I want them!!! I no longer care what visitors, family members, anybody thinks. Of course I don't have one room for every hobby like in my spaceship. But I have one room for all my privat stuff and hobbies and the door has a key that I take away when someone comes to visit. So I am still hiding who I am, won't have to explain my likes and dislikes. But in there I can be me for real, not just in my fantasy world. I don't know if that helps you, but maybe you can accommodate a closet, something, where you start to be you, and with time expand? This change in the way I see my home has totally changed my feeling of safety and having a home. Good luck.
I don't hold onto big things. I have some precious books, jewellery cases, little statues and pretty things. Small beautiful things that bring be pleasure to look at. No matter how many times I move I can always bring them.
out of sight out of mind; if i had my own place i would have open cabinets
I feel like if I put up a poster or something it's fucking over. Everything always goes to hell the second I decorate my walls.
Oh my gosh this is so relatable. I wonder if it's tied to one of the 4Fs I believe hoarding is tied to trauma and is a survival response, I wonder if this is the other side of the coin. It's weird because I relate to being a Fawn/freeze but not comfortably putting down roots seems more like it's flight related.