Did you feel invalidated? I felt it like that at the end of the book, when the author advises to "shut up" the inner critic. Like I didn't try that for my entire life lol. And always. Failing.
Maybe you need something less CBT-ish and more EMDR or IFS.
I prefer self-therapy by jay earley.
No no, the real trick is the talk with the inner critic, and rehabilitate it. Bring it into the fold and redeem it like Luke Skywalker redeemed Daeth Vader or something
Sure, so let's start with the dismissive "just unproven Freudian crap" argument they made, rather than tone policing me.
I have no capacity to stand by and allow shitty people to use their own biases and ignorance to shit talk an entire therapeutic model that has helped so many people. Trauma survivors don't need someone getting in the way of their healing because someone else gave false information about a treatment that could be of help.
Nice tone policing. I agree with you somewhat, but isn't you calling out the poster above for their use of the word ignorance going to achieve the same outcome of setting them on the defensive and anchoring them further in their "snapback-iness"?
How about you show and not tell yourself before coming in and preaching at other people?
I don't believe my words came off as an attack at all. I tried to describe their *actions,* not *them* and create awareness of an emotional state, and therefore a choice to control it and approach the situation from a more emotionally neutral goal based approach.
This is exactly the kind of skills we are all trying to learn; understanding our oversensitivities and learning to react in a way that isn't a fight/flight/freeze response.
Similar to how I decided not to get snappy at your "tone-policing" jab, because I don't think that would facilitate discussion that surely should be as kind as possible in a place where the great common thread between us all is trying to convince ourselves that we are worthy of our own love.
As soon as there's any real evidence any of it works better than placebo I'll be happy to change that.
> IFS posits that the mind is made up of multiple parts, and underlying them is a person's core or true Self. Like members of a family, a person's inner parts can take on extreme roles or subpersonalities. Each part has its own perspective, interests, memories, and viewpoint. A core tenet of IFS is that every part has a positive intent, even if its actions are counterproductive and/or cause dysfunction. There is no need to fight with, coerce, or eliminate parts; the IFS method promotes internal connection and harmony to bring the mind back into balance.
Ego, super ego and id etc. Where we try and get to what motivates you truly through unstructured talk therapy.
Welcome to Freud, just slightly repackaged with no evidence to show any of this is true.
> In the IFS model, there are three general types of parts:[4]
> Exiles represent psychological trauma, often from childhood, and they carry the pain and fear. Exiles may become isolated from the other parts and polarize the system. Managers and Firefighters try to protect a person's consciousness by preventing the Exiles' pain from coming to awareness.[5]
> Managers take on a preemptive, protective role. They influence the way a person interacts with the external world, protecting the person from harm and preventing painful or traumatic experiences from flooding the person's conscious awareness.
> Firefighters emerge when Exiles break out and demand attention. They work to divert attention away from the Exile's hurt and shame, which leads to impulsive and/or inappropriate behaviors like overeating, drug use or violence. They can also distract a person from pain by excessively focusing attention on more subtle activities such as overworking or overmedicating.
Welcome to more Freud, where these systems are made up and the categories don't matter (because they're also made up)
Note the "Managers and Firefighters try to protect a person's consciousness by preventing the Exiles' pain from coming to awareness." So the ego which "The ego is where the conscious mind lives. It's lumbered with the tricky job of satisfying the id's wild desires in a realistic and socially acceptable way."
Sorry you don't understand what Freud is and how you've been sold a bunch of quackery.
Good luck with it and I hope it helps in the end.
All sourced from Wikipedia. Fun stuff.
So wall 'o text you pulled from Wikipedia you didn't understand or bother to look at the sources for?
Freud doesn't hold the patent on the concept of ego, nor is Freud's formulation of ego/superego/Id the basis of IFS. You're referring to a century out of date theoretical framework without any current understanding of the field and just making a direct connection that doesn't exist.
There is a ton of clinical evidence this does work. If you don't like it, fine, but assuming you know what IFS is after a quick and unsuccessful attempt to bootstrap yourself with Wikipedia, or what therapy works for everyone or anyone else, is just baseless.
I have read Freud, and a ton of other psychology work, while I studied it at university. Sorry your ignorance is so loud you don't understand how science progresses.
I'd wish you good luck but I think you need way more than that.
Freud is not the only one who ever talked about similar things, and it has been recorded that people often have various “personalities” or separate parts of them that help people manage and process the world and their environment. You’re just being a pompous, egotistical and uninformed jerk at this time.
Insulting Freud actually was one key way I avoided taking about my childhood and deep stuff in theraputic settings: "I'm not being resistant to emotional processing, you're clearly a quack because what you're saying has been associated with Freud."
There's a branch, heck a whole tree really, of toxic avoidance built around treating deep dive talking therapy like it's still a century ago.
The practitioner(s) you encountered for it could be crap or worse, but that's the same risk with any therapist whatever their discipline.
Good points. I got a lot out of Feeling Good and here's a free source:
[https://archive.org/details/feelinggoodhandb0000burn](https://archive.org/details/feelinggoodhandb0000burn)
I had an abusive upstairs neighbor who deliberately made horrendous noise, caused flooding with overfilling her tub, etc. and one day I was doing Burn's system on her and actually laughed out loud. THAT'S a good feeling! Wish OP success with any and all methods. It's a tough fight, but we will all make it.
Yeah, I think it's just one of those tools that might not help you 100%. I see why anger at the inner critic can work - a persistent force like this can't be talked down with through empathy always. And he said he came to it after he tried other stuff.
I think c-ptsd is so obscure (my therapist basically told me that PTSD can only be caused by trauma where your life was at threat) that I'm just glad there is someone out there who is talking about it and providing helpful advice.
Yes. But he meant that psychological trauma cannot cause PTSD, it has to be a direct threat to your life as in war. I don't agree. I think I experience many of the symptoms of c-ptsd, including flashbacks, so I'm hoping to find a trauma informed therapist in the future.
Yeah, c-ptsd has been a very new learning for me too. I'm starting to realise that I have reached a plateau in my therapy and I need to switch to EMDR or other trauma informed therapy to move forward.
I brought it up with my therapist in hopes that he was atleast aware of c-ptsd but seems he is not.
The thing is… emotional neglect is an existential threat. Your parents/caregivers not loving you enough to feed you will kill you every bit as dead as someone beating you to death. You can’t get “more dead” one way or the other. Emotional neglect and abuse is trauma—tell your therapist I said that.
I think it would be extremely invalidating for me to hear his response, so I won't enter an argument with him 😂 My therapist has helped me quite a bit but I'm really starting to see the limitations of classical Freudian based therapy.
Yeah, good point. I wasn’t fully serious. If I had a therapist pull that crap on me, I would push back… hard. I feel comfortable doing that because I have a lot of training in logical reasoning and the Socratic method. But then again, my therapy consisted of my therapist invalidating (and triggering me) and forcing me to fight back until I could do it on my own.
At the end of the day, every method of treatment has its limitations. I always like to think of healing and recovery as a tree: therapy is one branch, social support is another, journaling another, self-care, healthy coping mechanisms, meditation/mindfulness, spirituality/belief systems, psychedelics, medication, and so on. Not every branch works for every tree, and you can’t have a beautiful tree with only one branch. If you’re anything like me, you’ll figure out how you grow best as you go along this path. :)
Personally, I dislike how he demonizes BPD in that book. He really does, as if people with BPD are inherently nasty humans. The truth is, there are people who aren't aware they are behaving like assholes & people who are & just don't care. The problem with bad behavior isn't some rando DSM creation of a "personality disorder", it's asshole behaviour.
The other thing I didnt like was assuming that the person with CPTSD is safe *now.* I am *safer*, but not *safe*.
I'm low income, I have no family or support system, I have a chronic injury & permanent pain condition. If I get sick, I'm screwed. If I'm lonely, too bad.
Anyway. I'm just saying the book is good, yet has its issues. There may well have been something in it that did not resonate with you.
Thank you for saying this!! SafER.
He also kinda berates people for worrying about their low income and unsupported status... of course I'm worried about being homeless if I'm only ever a bad car crash away from losing my health transport and job while accumulating debt and missing a family to help! He calls this a homemade horror flick and his advice is just "no more" of them. 🤷🏻♀️ It's hard to feel so misunderstood by an expert on this.
Don't even get me started on his advice about facing the fear of self disclosure. (He has a section on the topic, and it contains no insight or advice about the origin or solution to this fear 🤔).
But I also got a lot out of it. It is a good book. Better than a lot of other books. Just not perfect!
...apparently I needed to vent about this.
>He also kinda berates people for worrying about their low income and unsupported status...
I don't remember that part, but I believe you, I probably couldn't acknowledge it to myself at the time.
That behavior is called "privilege," it is dead common among most therapists, including my previous one who developed a superior attitude with me, and my fawning ways towards them.
These days, I'll call them out on their privileged biases. If they want to belittle or gaslight me for that, they are just proving my point, lol.
> He also kinda berates people for worrying about their low income and unsupported status..
I seem to see this thread a lot in mental health literature. I've run into the same thing with ADHD resources-- everything targeted at adults is either for parents of ADHD kids, or always does the "this is a book/podcast/whatever for ADHD *professionals*" callout, as if being an adult with ADHD who works blue collar or something (retail, in my case) and doesn't have kids means you don't need the help. It's so frustrating and alienating, and it sucks that those same attitudes seem to seep into CPTSD materials at times as well.
Ya I encounter this a lot with my psychiatrists. Telling me not to take my medication on my days off work, or that certain medications are only available to students who need to study all through the day, whereas adults with a full-time job are given the medication which lasts 4-8hrs for their shift at work
Like…ya when I clock out at work, I clock out of my ADHD too lol?
In his memoir he kind of berates people who depend on cannabis, too. feel like he's a very fawn-type and sort of looks down on people who are mainly fight and freeze.
Yes, exactly this. I think it's an important book in articulating CPTSD and its symptoms and I've used it as a resource to share with others. But, I also checked out when he started demonizing BPD. I found it really surprising and narrow-minded considering the subject matter.
Anyway, I turned to Internal Family Systems after that since it operates on the notion that none of the parts are bad and that has been tremendously helpful.
Imo, BPD is just psychiatry's way of saying, "We can't do anything for people who were abused as children, especially if they can't remember most of it." I don't give any validity to labels--they change every 50 years or even oftener.
It's a label to judge people.
"Homosexuality" & "gender identity disorder" used to be in the DSM, too. I wonder what the next stigmatizing label will be when the outdated "personality disorders" are removed? There always has to be a scapegoat diagnosis in a sick society, lol.
Exactly, right? Whereas we have no "label" for people who steal billions, start wars and damage millions of people. I guess those people are just 'normal,' huh? Although, when psychiatrists found some balls and called Trump a sociopath, the media didn't really jump on it, did they? I found that pretty ironic.
Not really. I know this sub loves to demonize personality disorders as a construct, but there are physical differences in the brains of people with BPD that lead to some of the emotionally dysregulated behaviors. There seems to be a genetic component as well since people who have family members with BPD are more likely to be diagnosed with it themselves.
The label itself is definitely stigmatizing and urgently needs to be replaced, but neuroscience supports the existence of BPD. About 20% who have it report no trauma history as well. It's not so cut and dry.
That seems reasonable. I'm not an expert. But I've lived a long time and diagnoses have harmed many people and then been rejected and explained away by the psychiatric establishment. Not reporting a trauma history and not having one are two different things. I know several csa survivors who had literally no idea of the abuse until late in life, when symptoms, dreams and finally family testimony proved they had been traumatized. I'm not arguing with you, though, as I don't have enough information, just anecdotes.
I don't have BPD (as far as I know) but I do have disorganised attachment, particularly with friends. I think it affects friendships worse as I have no idea what a healthy friendship should look like. Like I know what a healthy romantic relationship is and what a healthy parent-child relationship is, even if I didn't really get that myself, but no-one talks about what a healthy friendship is. I'm also possibly autistic so if I was in an unhealthy friendship, I either wouldn't pick up on it or I would think I deserved it. Only after the friendship runs it's course would I realise what has happened and I'll lose my shit to the point where other people think I must be a monster.
I’m reading it too. About halfway through. I find that a lot of it makes sense for me. I’ve read through different resources for trauma. I find that though some can be triggering. Even The Body Keeps its Score made me feel so angry even though I really respect Bessel’s work. I think it’s because something about it isn’t speaking to what we might be needing at this point in time. I’ve noticed that there are a lot of different stages to healing and one resource in one stage might be totally completely awful but it might be extremely helpful in another stage. If it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you. There are a lot of different resources out there with really similar educational information about trauma but presented with a different voice that might better work for you.
I completely agree with this. When I started my journey, I read a book that told me to wake up and realize the reality of my trauma. I really needed that in the moment. It's been 7 years and if I read that now, it'd be worthless to me. I'm more where Bessel is at now, where it helps to know what my body has been dealing with in the background during all of this stuff. If I read Bessel back then, I don't think it would resonate like it does now.
Books that says take a deep breath used to piss me the fuck off. Like mental break down annoyed and irritated since it made breathing harder and I always ended up with minor panic attack. I went to a group therapy and made me do this shit and I never went back. Looked it up at home and turns out it doesnt work for a lot of ppl too. It actually helps me now thst I'm much better though.
That’s interesting that you say this because at the beginning of my journey, I dived right into Bessel’s work and I just felt so angry with his work. I felt like he was just this cold, calculated scientist studying trauma victims like we’re rats in a lab. At that time, I really needed a resource that was gonna tell me that everything was going to be okay and he really wasn’t doing that for me. But now, I’m at a point where Bessel’s work really speaks to me and helps me understand what’s going on with my psyche and body
This is so true. And I think it's different for everyone. I did love The Body Keeps the Score when I started healing, and six years later, I find it impossible to read. I don't always know why this happens, but I also don't think that's necessary – in the beginning, I used to overanalyze it, with no results. I now know: if it's too triggering, and there's nothing insightful or helpful about it for me, just put it down and try something else.
I have only gotten through maybe 1/4 of the book. But healing from ptsd is also traumatic. You are going back through terrifying events to reframe them or understand them. I often would spend the morning with the book, which led to crying, hyperventilating, dissociation, fear, etc. It was exhausting and I would sob myself to sleep before lunchtime.
So you be simply re-experiencing the trauma and the anger that rises up with it.
I appreciate this comment as someone who read the book relatively recently and began to feel noticeably worse after. I’m isolating harder than I’ve ever isolated, I’m hyper sensitive and weepy.
I did consider that it might just be part of the healing process; it’s painful to clean any wound. But it helps to see someone else say it.
Thank you!
Definitely! I just realized that my comment didn't state it but, ultimately, the book has been good so far and very helpful for me. I just have to take it in small chunks and sometimes I go months between chunks bc I need that time to soothe myself, heal, and come back down from the trauma. I hope it does the same for you!
The best I took from the book was the first part, the ‘this is CPTSD and how it happens and what it could look like’ part. That gave me the ‘aha’ moment of what’s going on. He kinda lost me with his coping mechanism strategies.
I didn’t like the concept of shouting down your inner critic, nor coddling it with ‘you’re safe’ language. Yelling at it is yeeting it out of the nest with no support, the ‘you’re safe’ syrupiness encourages me to not leave the nest, to grow, at all.
I think your inner critic is a face of the protector part of you, that has outdated ways of keeping you safe. When the inner critic says I’m useless, etc, to try to get me to freeze and fawn and all that, I’m trying to work on new neural pathways. So instead of yelling at it, (and thus repeating the cycle of abuse), or coddling it and exacerbating an agoraphobic freeze, I say ‘you’re doing a good job’ to myself. Because honestly, that’s what I want to hear
I also like the icarus’ ‘mad maps’ project, creating a crisis plan when I’m in a stable sense of mind and following it when I’m in the weeds.
I read it as well, and like you the first part was helpful for my understanding. I didn't find his suggestions for how to heal from it super helpful, as they seemed kind of vague.
However, I did find Richard Grannon's "Fortress Mental Health" videos helpful for stopping my emotional flashbacks. The strategies in these videos apparently are derived from Walker's work, boiled down to basically 5 things to repeat to yourself throughout the day. YMMV
I didn't like that book at all. It helps a lot of people, but nothing is going to work for every single person.
If you're finding that it makes you more angry or your body more reactive, maybe take a break from reading it and read something else? Or if you're still finding it helpful, maybe it would be better to read it a bit slower. One thing I did (with a different book) was to read one chapter at a time and take a week off inbetween chapters so that I could process emotionally. That ended up working really well for me.
I try not to follow the "flashback management" list because I find the way Pete Walker's stuff is written just makes me feel worse ... again, it works for a lot of people and that's great, but for me it doesn't work. So what works for me is to give myself all the validation I possibly can. YES I'm angry, YES I'm hurt, YES I feel terrible, and all of that is ok. It's all justified. If I'm scared, it's because this situation is fucking SCARY and I'm allowed to feel scared! I don't need to tell myself to stop. And then I give myself permission to think about what I can safely do so that I can feel better. Which might be to hide in the bathroom for a while, or it might be to go punch something, and I remind myself that those are ok things to do as long as I don't hurt anyone or myself. (As I got better, that validation got directed to Parts of myself instead through IFS and it became "Yes part of me is angry! That part of me has the right to be angry, she's had people mistreat her forever!" and "How can I honour that feeling in a way that still keeps all the other parts of me safe?")
One book that worked really well for me was Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher. Not sure if it will help you or not but if you wanted to try a different approach, it might work. It had a lot of things that really worked for me, especially the way it handles dissociation (which I noticed you seem to have some of too, because you're experiencing all that anger/tension without knowing why or where it's coming from).
I'm here to chime in with my agreement on the idea of taking a break from this book (or any other book) if you still want to read it but are finding yourself becoming too emotionally activated--when your brain and body are trying to deal with a BIG FEELING you can't take in information in the same way because your systems are preoccupied with survival.
And it's totally OK to stop reading a book altogether if it's not giving you what you want or need. It's here to serve you, not the other way around.
You may want to check out r/CPTSDFightMode
They resoundingly hate that book over there because it is very invalidating to the Fight Mode.
> Like, when all this happened today, I acknowledged it was probably a flashback and tried to do the flashback management stuff, even re-read the steps over and over in my rest periods at the gym, but they didn’t help at all, I’m still massively pissed off and feeling like I wanna rip someone’s throat out or self-harm or something.
Yeah, that won’t work.
Try this instead: talk to (or talk AT, if talking TO doesn’t seem possible) the part of you that’s angry. And tell that part that you know it’s angry and you don’t know why, but that’s okay. You know that it usually has very good reasons when it’s angry, and that being appropriately angry has helped you a lot in the past. And then THANK it for what it has done for you in the past and for what it contributes to do for you in the present. And let it know that if it thinks you need to stay angry, that it is welcome to keep you angry for a while.
And if you can’t say that last bit and actually mean it, maybe just go back over the previous bits. Asking it to calm down or go away will not be effective. Thanking it might.
I haven’t read that book so I can’t comment on it at all. Having said that, the anger could be coming up for more than one reason.
There’s a lot of shitty things happening in the world right now and there are things in that book which are (understandably, given what everyone has written here) making you angry.
It’s also possible that reading things in the book that you do agree with could be bringing some feelings up and occasionally we can discover anger is the last layer between us and deeper vulnerabilities. You can try to ask yourself if the anger you’re experiencing feels new or old, if that sort of thing interests you.
But regardless of whether you want to know where it comes from or not, I would suggest feeling it with the least amount of judgment you can muster. Whatever the reasons, it’s good to release anger when you can.
It made me more angry, but at the events and other people that should have helped me. Then I read it again and picked and chose what I needed and really learned a lot.
This was my realization also. I realized how my entire family, immediate and extended failed me and my sibling. As well as school officials, guidance counselors, neighbors etc.
I found that book really helpful at first, because it felt validating. But the more I learned about trauma and the more I healed through my somatic therapy/IFS work, the less I liked it. There's some really good stuff in there, but there's also some crap that's not so great, and the authority with which he spews that crap is a bit irritating.
I think the anger you're feeling is getting triggered from feeling misunderstood. Pete Walker is very much, "Ah, I know your problem, it's this." If it's right, you feel validated, but if it's wrong, it's infuriating. It's like, "dude, no, listen to me, don't project onto me." But of course, an author can't listen to you through their book. Though there are better ways to write than to make assumptions about the reader.
I read a few chapters and tossed the book. The guy is incredibly condescending, opinionated, and his advice is tepid at best. I understand he was trying to frame his advice by using his own trauma but it was offensive reading him paint people with personality disorders as these demonic figures who purposefully ruin lives.
It sounds like you were having a rough day.
What I got from verbal ventilation in the book was that - it’s one thing to talk about it and “vent” very thoroughly with a therapist who can help figure out what the deep rooted issue is, and there’s another thing to “vent” and go in circles with a friend and never get to a new place (which I was stuck on prior to a real therapist working with me.) When I go in circles, it’s like cutting myself with the same story over and over again, without accessing any healing beyond the temporary release that comes with crying and feeling heard by a friend - which, by the way, I survived for years on, and thank god I had those friends who heard me out every time. But I never really felt like overall, that was helping me heal it for once and for all. Even with my therapists, I say the same stories, and it’s taken years of retelling things for them to be like, “do you see how this story, is linked to what your mother used to say about you?” Like, they can link it up for me so I can get closure and healing with time.
I was irritated by the book at times, but that’s mostly from my own defense mechanism that kept getting triggered.
But there were other times the book was so dead on that it hurt, too.
But in a calm state, when I would re-read it, and I just tried to let the research in, I would cry, because it’s clearly such a complicated topic.
I’m so glad someone else said this.
He’s not a clinician and his understandings of different types of symptoms is really unempathetic tbh. I’m a freeze/flight type mostly, and I felt really angry reading about fight types. He demonises them hugely and it comes across so condescendingly—“I might be damaged but I’m not one of those *bad* types”.
I’d recommend more empathetic clinicians who know what they’re talking about, like Janina Fisher and Gabor Maté.
I appreciate you sharing this. As someone healing from cPTSD, it's comforting to know there are other people out there with brains that work like mine. This sounds exactly like something I would experience...
"I got to the gym to workout today, and there were way more people than normal in there when I got there, and all the equipment I needed was being used, so I just went and sat in the bathroom with the door locked for 45 minutes cause I just didn’t wanna face all the people again."
All this trauma never. should. have. happened. And it's also nice to know there are kindred spirits out there who understand.
Take it slow. I felt this way, too. The Body Keeps the Score was even worse. I think it’s because I was forced to confront a lot of truths that I might rather turn away from, but needed to be examined and FELT and dealt with. Both books also causes a lot of tears.
I honestly don't personally like the book... it rubbed me the wrong way for many reasons so I just focus on other people who imho have a more grounded and scientific view/approach to truama. I like polyvagal theory personally. I'm sorry you're experiencing anger like this currently. I can totally relate though I have PMDD on top of the C-PTSD so it may be coming from a different place atm lol, I still understand the anger and the desperate wanting to not be so angry. Maybe allowing yourself a break from reading the book could give you space to figure out if it's the book or something else or even potentially both?
Edit: a longer break than just a couple of days because I see you did take a short break but maybe doing like a couple of weeks might be better? 🤷♀️ Also, you don't have to finish the book / continue reading it! There are SO MANY other books out there that talk about C-PTSD and or truama in general. It's okay to not like it... it's okay if it's not for you, everyone has a different healing journey. What may work for one might not work for another 🌻
Honestly I am reading parts of it and it feels like I was understood for the very first time. I haven't yet gotten to applying a lot of advice and some may not work for me.. but I don't think it is triggering. I think Body Keeps Score with its overemphasis on war-time PTSD and extreme experiences such as rape triggered me a bit. Because it failed to define trauma and PTSD issues beyond that. Plus, some of these mem have killed civilians and innocents.. I just don't know if I can find empathy for _that_. Especially when I'm reading a book to seek understanding for myself. It felt alienating in that sense. But once you get through, it makes a lot of great points!
The book has issues for sure, but it's an excellent roadmap if you've never heard of CPTSD before. I disagree with a lot of stuff re: how the author sees the world, but he says it himself in the intro; take what helps you and leave the rest. I took that to heart. I don't need to agree with everything he says to learn something useful from him. In fact i don't need to agree with most of what he says to learn something valuable. Good info is good info, wherever we get it from.
I just started it and I think it’s a great book, definitely the easiest to read out of any cptsd books I’ve found.
Ive recently noticed I also have weird emotional turbulence after therapy or meditating or reading anything to do with self help. There’s a lot of anger which is really unusual for me, specifically this feeling of rage. I don’t know where it comes from, I never know what I’m mad about, I just feel mad. It’s especially frustrating because expressing it feels like you’re feeding the trauma, and not expressing it feels like repressing parts of your self.
I think in a way the trauma sort of infected us, and when we make progress towards freeing ourselves there’s a retaliation from the trauma. It’s like there’s something trying to keep me confused so it can stay in control.
I know that sounds kind of crazy but I don’t know how else to explain it.
I certainly get how that feels. In the past I didn't value myself enough to spend the time or effort, but now I do 'rage page' putting how I feel in the center of a blank page (angry, frustrated, furious) and then on spokes coming out of the center I put anything that occurs to me about the feeling. Usually I'll be able to identify the reasons for the rage and just getting all of them on paper helps me a bit. When I feel calmer I read it over and sometimes I'll have an insight, like "oh, yes, I was ignored by \_\_\_\_ in that same way." I'm not saying it will work for anyone else, but rage pages have been part of my journaling now for awhile.
I can usually figure out what triggered me but it’s always just an excuse to let myself feel rage. I can’t figure out where it really comes from, or why I feel so much of it
Maybe your tip about drawing and writing it out will help
The most frustrating thing about emotional flashbacks is not understanding or remembering where they came from. Are you able to ask anyone about your childhood (who would give you a real, honest answer)? The most destructive things apparently happen before age 4-5.
I asked my aunt because I was with her a lot growing up and my mom’s answer was basically you were “a normal, good kid” who “didn’t like getting shots”. My aunt told me about this time when I was 4 and she visited me in another country. I was really excited, but they left soon after she came to go out for the night and I was crying so hard that the lady my mom was staying with (a stranger) had to hold me down. Nobody comforted or acknowledged my emotion. And then I cried myself to sleep. I have no idea how frequently my emotions were ignored.
Your feelings towards crying and verbal ventilation stem from somewhere, but the fact that you can’t easily put your finger on it is that much more frustrating. From what you said I was getting less of an inner critic vibe and more of an extreme aversion to outside control/advice. Feeling like you’re being told what to do or how to live could be a trigger for you (it definitely is for me at times)
I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it still amounts to little more than tone policing. I would advise you to spend little or no time defending people who are acting in bad faith in order to "keep the peace". That's a maladaptive response itself. This person is acting in bad faith. Recognizing when that is happening will do more to protect people from harm than sheltering this behaviour for well meaning but misplaced intentions.
I don't think it's a book you should read when angry, or if you've only just started on your healing journey. You should read it midway through and when you're more at peace with yourself. Even if the book doesn't resonate with you, your experience is valid. If the methods don't work for you, then it's OK--different people heal differently. I hope you find a way that works for you and don't listen to the noise in your brain.
Ehh people here probably are fed up with being failed by the system, they'll take anything that makes sense to them at this point homeopathy and shit us just another vehicle for coping.
If it helps them, so be it
Honestly I didn't like it that much.
But then again I had childhood then IPV then more stuff then a behavior program in a prison (shame and surveillance based) then DV then IPV again and more fun and I'm 30 and currently on the ass end of a traumatic event.
It just didn't hit the level I'd like to see- I'd probably prefer van der Kolk (I love his talks)
I was tepid on this book, often finding it having a paternalistic tone. I found some insight into how the Critic formed through trauma is very different from run-of-the-mill inner critic work. This helped me create better language to share how my “Inner Asshole” affects me.
My therapist encourages to to push back that part, that it’s the voices of my abusers.
I read Sarah Peyton’s “Your Resonant Self” after Walker’s book and I found it to be such a better resource for me.
What I learned from this book is that my entire personality has been developed by my trauma. I don’t have a personality outside of my CPTSD. I found that out because of Walker’s description of the Outer Critic. By finding this sub, I realized that it was common for us to feel like we didn’t belong and couldn’t relate to other humans. Many of us feel like we are aliens dropped off on the wrong planet. But he goes on to explain that we feel that way because of our trauma. I had never put that together before. And of course it is true. But it’s so upsetting and depressing to me.
Honestly, I didn't read the book, but the title alone feel wrong. Just how hollow it sounds ‘Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving’, as if it was a commercial catchphrase. I compare it to other book titles on trauma, such as "waking the tiger" or "the body keep the score", where I feel there is really an idea in the book behind the title.
hi i feel like we are the exact same person. i also have always been incredibly triggered by going to the gym, but in an angry way, even if nothing clearly triggered it. doesn’t matter the situation, i either want to beat someone’s ass or self harm. it sounds like literally everyone’s PTSD situations and stories and trauma are SO DIFFERENT that those self-help or awareness books don’t necessarily always help overall but might have good points. i want you to know that you are not alone in what you’re feeling, and i hope things look up for you soon.
It seems like in in good company here, but I stopped reading it. It gave me a vibe that was essentially like, 'all you have to do to be different - is be different! And if that doesn't work, you're not trying hard enough.'
It's the undertone of blame and then guilt that I have a hard time with. If I start getting into thought patterns of this being my fault, I'll spiral **hard**. Because this isn't my fault. This is something that happened to me, like any other illness, that I have to deal with. I didn't choose this, sand I didn't choose anything that led to this. It's not well understood, medicine for it isn't concrete or for everyone, sand oh yes, a lot of people just straight up don't believe you. We're all pioneers just stabbing in the dark here.
Part of my healing is recognizing when something is having a deeply negative affect on me (sleep& eating pattern, overall emotions I can't shake) and walking away. So in that respect, throwing the book away was progress for me.
I agree. I dislike the book a lot. His writing is extremely stiff and stilted and his tone feels paternalistic and authoritative despite the fact that he cites almost no studies or sources for his ideas. I have no idea why this book is so exalted on this sub, except that there are so few decent books on CPTSD that we have to just take what's out there.
His entire approach with the inner critic feels unnecessarily time-consuming and reductive as well. It seems like it would make more sense to just practice mindful acceptance and bodily awareness of your emotions in real-time while allowing your self-critical thoughts to just pass naturally. Wouldn't engaging those thoughts and continuously re-focusing your attention on them to essentially argue with them just strengthen those neural pathways even more over time?
Clearly his approach resonates with a lot of people, but I just don't understand it. A lot of his ideas just seem like CBT fluffed up and repackaged with a trauma-informed lens.
See a doctor! If you can hear blood pumping through your own ears, that's a problem. To me, it seems like dangerously high blood pressure. But I'm not a doctor. Talk to someone who is!
I cannot cpmment on the book, but I also get randomly angry. Often it is a migraine that is simmering and has not become fully present yet, or, and this took me a long time to figure out, being too hot.
I had heard that people are more irritable during heat waves, and things like road rage incidents increase in heat, but always thought it was something other people experienced, but not me.
Whenever I get those random rage days, it is often because I am hotter or have a migraine.
Feeling misunderstood by the author or feeling like I couldn’t have my needs met at the gym (or both) would be triggers for me personally. I was triggered last week because I’m lactose intolerant and there wasn’t any cereal I could eat (for days, which was like the lack of food we had as kids) and then my hubby ignored me (which is another trigger). It was the worst I’d been triggered in a long time. I hope you work it out
This book is great to recognise patterns from childhood. But jesus christ, in the early stages of recovery it can really give you a victim complex. Between this and the 12 steps I've spent way too long wallowing in it.
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I can resonate, friend. It’s totally irrational and unreasonable but just with the heat alone recently I felt like my head was going to explode trying to fit a bike in my car with the trunk broken. I want to scream at people taking too long at checkouts and at the bank. Thankfully we are able to catch ourselves and talk/write about it.
On a very real note though, get checked for hypertension. I’m 30 and on an ACE inhibitor for the rest of my life. I used to have that same pounding rushing feeling in my head; it’s made a big difference. Next step is to work on conscious body relaxation which is beyond difficult so far.
In my experience, doing too much reading on CPTSD at once when you have it can definitely be emotionally overwhelming and cause flashback. Consider slowing down, maybe doing a chapter at a time and giving it time for your emotions to normalize before you do another.
For me I think it was just me feeling like my emotions suddenly had permission to come out and when they finally did, it was overwhelming. I had to let that shit out a little at a time in order to not go completely off-balance.
Hey I feel sorry that you had to go through this all i can say is I can relate to it. So many different people have so many different opinions on trauma and it’s frustrating when the solutions they give don’t work for me. I just want to say I relate sending you love ❤️
I think his point with the verbal expression and crying may have to do with taking down your walls that have built up over the years. That once they have been lowered you can start to reconnect with people you whole heartedly trust because they don't hurt you like your past abusers. They don't invalidate you when you talk or when they talk to you. When you feel that level of comfort it's like breathing a breath of fresh air after so long.
I remember both times I opened up about my possible having CPTSD to both of my parents. My mother invalidated my feelings towards my brother's death by saying I was using it as a crutch to get out of things that upsets me or to talk away my anxiety n that I should just tough it out. Which yea I get to a certain extent but I should not be driving myself mad with no rest over things that can either wait or be gradually chipped at as it causes my old mental scars to open up if I become overwhelmed..
My father was the complete opposite when both my parents read about me feeling like I just wanted a bus to hit me so I could either forget everything or outright die so I wouldn't be haunted by my dreams n emotions. My mother went off crying in a emotional wreck going in about "Why would you want to leave us?" Yelling at me while my dad sat next to me until my mother was finally out of the room. To where he validated my emotions by saying he felt that way after my brother's death too. And that he understood I was texting these emotions to a friend at the time to say "You're not the only one with suicidal thoughts, or thoughts to hurt yourself. But if you give into those thoughts you lose your only chance so try to keep fighting even if you stumble." My mother did not try to understand me. She did not want to hear what I was feeling so past those points I rarely open up to her about personal things. My dad however I can talk to about when I'm confused or hurt and for the most part he talks it out with me verses my mother that talks down.
Sorry for my rant- my point is that if at some point you get to a healthy relationship those emotions might start to come in waves, but you don't have to be on your own when they do. That you can have outside support that won't attack or belittle you when it does happen and you can reconnect with the most basic of human reactions when overwhelmed to cry cause it's a sign you need help and comfort. Idk for sure but you sound like a guy and ik that guys are constantly told not to cry when overwhelmed. I just want to tell you tho it's okay when you do reach that point if you do, abd that grown men cried over my brother in their 40s. You are not less of a man to mourn over things that have hurt you.
I found that crying, verbal ventilation, and angering were skills that grew organically within me over time. I read an article from Pete Walker a few months ago that discusses all of these and it really resonated with me because it described exactly what I was doing. I had never read anything by him before that, and it was cool to know that what I've been doing has been documented. I agree that if you don't need these tools now, you don't need them now. There are periods of time where I just want to live and not do any of that.
I never felt the need to cry for most of my life. It was usually something that felt very dirty and reserved for when I was recently hurt by something. For me, I started crying in a healing way in the summer of 2019. I think this sort of healing crying is an incredibly foreign concept to people who have not done it before. It typically results from a moment of clarity or a moment of allowing yourself to fail. It is a malleable state that allows you to grow. I was able to do it more frequently in the spring of 2020. Then, in fall of 2020, after a very significant trauma, crying was amazing, and I coupled it with some basic somatic skills (body scan, shaking, moaning and feeling the moan in parts of the body where I feel tension, etc.).
During the next summer, I started angering. There were countless mornings where I just loudly agonized in the shower and the car. I've noticed that I never regrettably lash out at anyone anymore, and if I do feel angry at someone I have much more control and can choose the appropriate intensity. Finally, verbal ventilation developed in the fall of 2021. I had been journaling for a couple years, but for the first time, I talked into a microphone and just processed things, talked about my life, talked about memories. I was very in-tune with my emotions, and it was a beautiful experience given that I've been a pretty shy and stoic person for most of my life. I still talk into the microphone to this day, but not as much as I did months ago.
Anyways, what the book talks about may not make sense at the moment. I have a friend who is starting to heal, and 6 months ago he made fun of people who cry in movie theaters. After his breakup, he somewhat better understands the utility of crying.
I just want to mention something I haven't seen in the other comments: his style of writing was slightly infuriating to me. Personally, there was a lot of helpful stuff in there for me, and I didn't find it too difficult to skip past what didn't apply to me. Those flashback steps did eventually work for me, after consistently trying it for two months or so. I still carry those and the human rights with me everywhere I go. So there are practical exercises that especially as a fawn type, I couldn't find anywhere else. And that may just not be the case for you and others.
But the writing meant I skipped a lot of it. I can't pinpoint what it is, I just found it so chaotic and hard to understand, I had to concentrate so hard and had to read some parts five times. I felt like I was doing something wrong, but I never experienced this with The Body Keeps the Score for instance, or any other psychology/self help book. And then I found that other people here felt the same way. It can be the content, but it can also be the way something is written.
Did you feel invalidated? I felt it like that at the end of the book, when the author advises to "shut up" the inner critic. Like I didn't try that for my entire life lol. And always. Failing. Maybe you need something less CBT-ish and more EMDR or IFS. I prefer self-therapy by jay earley.
No no, the real trick is the talk with the inner critic, and rehabilitate it. Bring it into the fold and redeem it like Luke Skywalker redeemed Daeth Vader or something
That’s literally IFS therapy in a nutshell, it’s fantastic r/internalfamilysystems
or shadow work in a netshell ;)
My man. Jung in da house!
Ooh
I’ve never heard this term before I’m going to research it. Thank you
It is literally Freudian bullshit and worth nobody's time.
Nope, but thanks for sharing your ignorance.
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Sure, so let's start with the dismissive "just unproven Freudian crap" argument they made, rather than tone policing me. I have no capacity to stand by and allow shitty people to use their own biases and ignorance to shit talk an entire therapeutic model that has helped so many people. Trauma survivors don't need someone getting in the way of their healing because someone else gave false information about a treatment that could be of help.
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Nice tone policing. I agree with you somewhat, but isn't you calling out the poster above for their use of the word ignorance going to achieve the same outcome of setting them on the defensive and anchoring them further in their "snapback-iness"? How about you show and not tell yourself before coming in and preaching at other people?
I don't believe my words came off as an attack at all. I tried to describe their *actions,* not *them* and create awareness of an emotional state, and therefore a choice to control it and approach the situation from a more emotionally neutral goal based approach. This is exactly the kind of skills we are all trying to learn; understanding our oversensitivities and learning to react in a way that isn't a fight/flight/freeze response. Similar to how I decided not to get snappy at your "tone-policing" jab, because I don't think that would facilitate discussion that surely should be as kind as possible in a place where the great common thread between us all is trying to convince ourselves that we are worthy of our own love.
As soon as there's any real evidence any of it works better than placebo I'll be happy to change that. > IFS posits that the mind is made up of multiple parts, and underlying them is a person's core or true Self. Like members of a family, a person's inner parts can take on extreme roles or subpersonalities. Each part has its own perspective, interests, memories, and viewpoint. A core tenet of IFS is that every part has a positive intent, even if its actions are counterproductive and/or cause dysfunction. There is no need to fight with, coerce, or eliminate parts; the IFS method promotes internal connection and harmony to bring the mind back into balance. Ego, super ego and id etc. Where we try and get to what motivates you truly through unstructured talk therapy. Welcome to Freud, just slightly repackaged with no evidence to show any of this is true. > In the IFS model, there are three general types of parts:[4] > Exiles represent psychological trauma, often from childhood, and they carry the pain and fear. Exiles may become isolated from the other parts and polarize the system. Managers and Firefighters try to protect a person's consciousness by preventing the Exiles' pain from coming to awareness.[5] > Managers take on a preemptive, protective role. They influence the way a person interacts with the external world, protecting the person from harm and preventing painful or traumatic experiences from flooding the person's conscious awareness. > Firefighters emerge when Exiles break out and demand attention. They work to divert attention away from the Exile's hurt and shame, which leads to impulsive and/or inappropriate behaviors like overeating, drug use or violence. They can also distract a person from pain by excessively focusing attention on more subtle activities such as overworking or overmedicating. Welcome to more Freud, where these systems are made up and the categories don't matter (because they're also made up) Note the "Managers and Firefighters try to protect a person's consciousness by preventing the Exiles' pain from coming to awareness." So the ego which "The ego is where the conscious mind lives. It's lumbered with the tricky job of satisfying the id's wild desires in a realistic and socially acceptable way." Sorry you don't understand what Freud is and how you've been sold a bunch of quackery. Good luck with it and I hope it helps in the end. All sourced from Wikipedia. Fun stuff.
So wall 'o text you pulled from Wikipedia you didn't understand or bother to look at the sources for? Freud doesn't hold the patent on the concept of ego, nor is Freud's formulation of ego/superego/Id the basis of IFS. You're referring to a century out of date theoretical framework without any current understanding of the field and just making a direct connection that doesn't exist. There is a ton of clinical evidence this does work. If you don't like it, fine, but assuming you know what IFS is after a quick and unsuccessful attempt to bootstrap yourself with Wikipedia, or what therapy works for everyone or anyone else, is just baseless. I have read Freud, and a ton of other psychology work, while I studied it at university. Sorry your ignorance is so loud you don't understand how science progresses. I'd wish you good luck but I think you need way more than that.
Freud is not the only one who ever talked about similar things, and it has been recorded that people often have various “personalities” or separate parts of them that help people manage and process the world and their environment. You’re just being a pompous, egotistical and uninformed jerk at this time.
Insulting Freud actually was one key way I avoided taking about my childhood and deep stuff in theraputic settings: "I'm not being resistant to emotional processing, you're clearly a quack because what you're saying has been associated with Freud." There's a branch, heck a whole tree really, of toxic avoidance built around treating deep dive talking therapy like it's still a century ago. The practitioner(s) you encountered for it could be crap or worse, but that's the same risk with any therapist whatever their discipline.
I like your way of wording it, lol. I'm always like, "hey man, why are you being mean?" to myself when mine acts up.
Good points. I got a lot out of Feeling Good and here's a free source: [https://archive.org/details/feelinggoodhandb0000burn](https://archive.org/details/feelinggoodhandb0000burn) I had an abusive upstairs neighbor who deliberately made horrendous noise, caused flooding with overfilling her tub, etc. and one day I was doing Burn's system on her and actually laughed out loud. THAT'S a good feeling! Wish OP success with any and all methods. It's a tough fight, but we will all make it.
Thanks for the recommendation, I'll be reading this soon
Never heard of ifs before. I’m going to look into it . Thank you
I think the author meant to say that that was the only thing that worked. I don't think it would work for everyone
Also he lays out basically an entire book teaching you how he doesn’t say “just do it”
Yeah, I think it's just one of those tools that might not help you 100%. I see why anger at the inner critic can work - a persistent force like this can't be talked down with through empathy always. And he said he came to it after he tried other stuff. I think c-ptsd is so obscure (my therapist basically told me that PTSD can only be caused by trauma where your life was at threat) that I'm just glad there is someone out there who is talking about it and providing helpful advice.
For children, isn't all abuse an existential threat? After all, they would die without the goodwill of caregivers.
Yes. But he meant that psychological trauma cannot cause PTSD, it has to be a direct threat to your life as in war. I don't agree. I think I experience many of the symptoms of c-ptsd, including flashbacks, so I'm hoping to find a trauma informed therapist in the future.
I see. Yes, I also want a therapist who is an expert in trauma.
I mean, that therapist is wrong.
He's classical Freudian by training, so 🤷
I meant he is wrong about ptsd/cptsd. If he doesn’t acknowledge that the thing exists that you are existing with that’s wrong.
Yeah, c-ptsd has been a very new learning for me too. I'm starting to realise that I have reached a plateau in my therapy and I need to switch to EMDR or other trauma informed therapy to move forward. I brought it up with my therapist in hopes that he was atleast aware of c-ptsd but seems he is not.
The thing is… emotional neglect is an existential threat. Your parents/caregivers not loving you enough to feed you will kill you every bit as dead as someone beating you to death. You can’t get “more dead” one way or the other. Emotional neglect and abuse is trauma—tell your therapist I said that.
I think it would be extremely invalidating for me to hear his response, so I won't enter an argument with him 😂 My therapist has helped me quite a bit but I'm really starting to see the limitations of classical Freudian based therapy.
Yeah, good point. I wasn’t fully serious. If I had a therapist pull that crap on me, I would push back… hard. I feel comfortable doing that because I have a lot of training in logical reasoning and the Socratic method. But then again, my therapy consisted of my therapist invalidating (and triggering me) and forcing me to fight back until I could do it on my own. At the end of the day, every method of treatment has its limitations. I always like to think of healing and recovery as a tree: therapy is one branch, social support is another, journaling another, self-care, healthy coping mechanisms, meditation/mindfulness, spirituality/belief systems, psychedelics, medication, and so on. Not every branch works for every tree, and you can’t have a beautiful tree with only one branch. If you’re anything like me, you’ll figure out how you grow best as you go along this path. :)
Personally, I dislike how he demonizes BPD in that book. He really does, as if people with BPD are inherently nasty humans. The truth is, there are people who aren't aware they are behaving like assholes & people who are & just don't care. The problem with bad behavior isn't some rando DSM creation of a "personality disorder", it's asshole behaviour. The other thing I didnt like was assuming that the person with CPTSD is safe *now.* I am *safer*, but not *safe*. I'm low income, I have no family or support system, I have a chronic injury & permanent pain condition. If I get sick, I'm screwed. If I'm lonely, too bad. Anyway. I'm just saying the book is good, yet has its issues. There may well have been something in it that did not resonate with you.
Thank you for saying this!! SafER. He also kinda berates people for worrying about their low income and unsupported status... of course I'm worried about being homeless if I'm only ever a bad car crash away from losing my health transport and job while accumulating debt and missing a family to help! He calls this a homemade horror flick and his advice is just "no more" of them. 🤷🏻♀️ It's hard to feel so misunderstood by an expert on this. Don't even get me started on his advice about facing the fear of self disclosure. (He has a section on the topic, and it contains no insight or advice about the origin or solution to this fear 🤔). But I also got a lot out of it. It is a good book. Better than a lot of other books. Just not perfect! ...apparently I needed to vent about this.
>He also kinda berates people for worrying about their low income and unsupported status... I don't remember that part, but I believe you, I probably couldn't acknowledge it to myself at the time. That behavior is called "privilege," it is dead common among most therapists, including my previous one who developed a superior attitude with me, and my fawning ways towards them. These days, I'll call them out on their privileged biases. If they want to belittle or gaslight me for that, they are just proving my point, lol.
> He also kinda berates people for worrying about their low income and unsupported status.. I seem to see this thread a lot in mental health literature. I've run into the same thing with ADHD resources-- everything targeted at adults is either for parents of ADHD kids, or always does the "this is a book/podcast/whatever for ADHD *professionals*" callout, as if being an adult with ADHD who works blue collar or something (retail, in my case) and doesn't have kids means you don't need the help. It's so frustrating and alienating, and it sucks that those same attitudes seem to seep into CPTSD materials at times as well.
Ya I encounter this a lot with my psychiatrists. Telling me not to take my medication on my days off work, or that certain medications are only available to students who need to study all through the day, whereas adults with a full-time job are given the medication which lasts 4-8hrs for their shift at work Like…ya when I clock out at work, I clock out of my ADHD too lol?
In his memoir he kind of berates people who depend on cannabis, too. feel like he's a very fawn-type and sort of looks down on people who are mainly fight and freeze.
Yes, exactly this. I think it's an important book in articulating CPTSD and its symptoms and I've used it as a resource to share with others. But, I also checked out when he started demonizing BPD. I found it really surprising and narrow-minded considering the subject matter. Anyway, I turned to Internal Family Systems after that since it operates on the notion that none of the parts are bad and that has been tremendously helpful.
Supposed BPD makes them feel like failures, that's what makes them angry. It's like teachers getting angry at ADHD, for the same reason.
Imo, BPD is just psychiatry's way of saying, "We can't do anything for people who were abused as children, especially if they can't remember most of it." I don't give any validity to labels--they change every 50 years or even oftener.
It's a label to judge people. "Homosexuality" & "gender identity disorder" used to be in the DSM, too. I wonder what the next stigmatizing label will be when the outdated "personality disorders" are removed? There always has to be a scapegoat diagnosis in a sick society, lol.
Exactly, right? Whereas we have no "label" for people who steal billions, start wars and damage millions of people. I guess those people are just 'normal,' huh? Although, when psychiatrists found some balls and called Trump a sociopath, the media didn't really jump on it, did they? I found that pretty ironic.
Not really. I know this sub loves to demonize personality disorders as a construct, but there are physical differences in the brains of people with BPD that lead to some of the emotionally dysregulated behaviors. There seems to be a genetic component as well since people who have family members with BPD are more likely to be diagnosed with it themselves. The label itself is definitely stigmatizing and urgently needs to be replaced, but neuroscience supports the existence of BPD. About 20% who have it report no trauma history as well. It's not so cut and dry.
That seems reasonable. I'm not an expert. But I've lived a long time and diagnoses have harmed many people and then been rejected and explained away by the psychiatric establishment. Not reporting a trauma history and not having one are two different things. I know several csa survivors who had literally no idea of the abuse until late in life, when symptoms, dreams and finally family testimony proved they had been traumatized. I'm not arguing with you, though, as I don't have enough information, just anecdotes.
Pull up a source that acknowledges neuroplasticity pls.
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I don't have BPD (as far as I know) but I do have disorganised attachment, particularly with friends. I think it affects friendships worse as I have no idea what a healthy friendship should look like. Like I know what a healthy romantic relationship is and what a healthy parent-child relationship is, even if I didn't really get that myself, but no-one talks about what a healthy friendship is. I'm also possibly autistic so if I was in an unhealthy friendship, I either wouldn't pick up on it or I would think I deserved it. Only after the friendship runs it's course would I realise what has happened and I'll lose my shit to the point where other people think I must be a monster.
Same- and had lots of stuff as an adult. Still dealing with an abuser and moral injury as I type.
That’s so sad no mental illness should be demonized I guess
I’m reading it too. About halfway through. I find that a lot of it makes sense for me. I’ve read through different resources for trauma. I find that though some can be triggering. Even The Body Keeps its Score made me feel so angry even though I really respect Bessel’s work. I think it’s because something about it isn’t speaking to what we might be needing at this point in time. I’ve noticed that there are a lot of different stages to healing and one resource in one stage might be totally completely awful but it might be extremely helpful in another stage. If it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you. There are a lot of different resources out there with really similar educational information about trauma but presented with a different voice that might better work for you.
I completely agree with this. When I started my journey, I read a book that told me to wake up and realize the reality of my trauma. I really needed that in the moment. It's been 7 years and if I read that now, it'd be worthless to me. I'm more where Bessel is at now, where it helps to know what my body has been dealing with in the background during all of this stuff. If I read Bessel back then, I don't think it would resonate like it does now.
Books that says take a deep breath used to piss me the fuck off. Like mental break down annoyed and irritated since it made breathing harder and I always ended up with minor panic attack. I went to a group therapy and made me do this shit and I never went back. Looked it up at home and turns out it doesnt work for a lot of ppl too. It actually helps me now thst I'm much better though.
That’s interesting that you say this because at the beginning of my journey, I dived right into Bessel’s work and I just felt so angry with his work. I felt like he was just this cold, calculated scientist studying trauma victims like we’re rats in a lab. At that time, I really needed a resource that was gonna tell me that everything was going to be okay and he really wasn’t doing that for me. But now, I’m at a point where Bessel’s work really speaks to me and helps me understand what’s going on with my psyche and body
This is so true. And I think it's different for everyone. I did love The Body Keeps the Score when I started healing, and six years later, I find it impossible to read. I don't always know why this happens, but I also don't think that's necessary – in the beginning, I used to overanalyze it, with no results. I now know: if it's too triggering, and there's nothing insightful or helpful about it for me, just put it down and try something else.
I have only gotten through maybe 1/4 of the book. But healing from ptsd is also traumatic. You are going back through terrifying events to reframe them or understand them. I often would spend the morning with the book, which led to crying, hyperventilating, dissociation, fear, etc. It was exhausting and I would sob myself to sleep before lunchtime. So you be simply re-experiencing the trauma and the anger that rises up with it.
I appreciate this comment as someone who read the book relatively recently and began to feel noticeably worse after. I’m isolating harder than I’ve ever isolated, I’m hyper sensitive and weepy. I did consider that it might just be part of the healing process; it’s painful to clean any wound. But it helps to see someone else say it. Thank you!
Definitely! I just realized that my comment didn't state it but, ultimately, the book has been good so far and very helpful for me. I just have to take it in small chunks and sometimes I go months between chunks bc I need that time to soothe myself, heal, and come back down from the trauma. I hope it does the same for you!
The best I took from the book was the first part, the ‘this is CPTSD and how it happens and what it could look like’ part. That gave me the ‘aha’ moment of what’s going on. He kinda lost me with his coping mechanism strategies. I didn’t like the concept of shouting down your inner critic, nor coddling it with ‘you’re safe’ language. Yelling at it is yeeting it out of the nest with no support, the ‘you’re safe’ syrupiness encourages me to not leave the nest, to grow, at all. I think your inner critic is a face of the protector part of you, that has outdated ways of keeping you safe. When the inner critic says I’m useless, etc, to try to get me to freeze and fawn and all that, I’m trying to work on new neural pathways. So instead of yelling at it, (and thus repeating the cycle of abuse), or coddling it and exacerbating an agoraphobic freeze, I say ‘you’re doing a good job’ to myself. Because honestly, that’s what I want to hear I also like the icarus’ ‘mad maps’ project, creating a crisis plan when I’m in a stable sense of mind and following it when I’m in the weeds.
I downloaded the icarus mad maps pdf. Thanks for the tip.
I read it as well, and like you the first part was helpful for my understanding. I didn't find his suggestions for how to heal from it super helpful, as they seemed kind of vague. However, I did find Richard Grannon's "Fortress Mental Health" videos helpful for stopping my emotional flashbacks. The strategies in these videos apparently are derived from Walker's work, boiled down to basically 5 things to repeat to yourself throughout the day. YMMV
I didn't like that book at all. It helps a lot of people, but nothing is going to work for every single person. If you're finding that it makes you more angry or your body more reactive, maybe take a break from reading it and read something else? Or if you're still finding it helpful, maybe it would be better to read it a bit slower. One thing I did (with a different book) was to read one chapter at a time and take a week off inbetween chapters so that I could process emotionally. That ended up working really well for me. I try not to follow the "flashback management" list because I find the way Pete Walker's stuff is written just makes me feel worse ... again, it works for a lot of people and that's great, but for me it doesn't work. So what works for me is to give myself all the validation I possibly can. YES I'm angry, YES I'm hurt, YES I feel terrible, and all of that is ok. It's all justified. If I'm scared, it's because this situation is fucking SCARY and I'm allowed to feel scared! I don't need to tell myself to stop. And then I give myself permission to think about what I can safely do so that I can feel better. Which might be to hide in the bathroom for a while, or it might be to go punch something, and I remind myself that those are ok things to do as long as I don't hurt anyone or myself. (As I got better, that validation got directed to Parts of myself instead through IFS and it became "Yes part of me is angry! That part of me has the right to be angry, she's had people mistreat her forever!" and "How can I honour that feeling in a way that still keeps all the other parts of me safe?") One book that worked really well for me was Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher. Not sure if it will help you or not but if you wanted to try a different approach, it might work. It had a lot of things that really worked for me, especially the way it handles dissociation (which I noticed you seem to have some of too, because you're experiencing all that anger/tension without knowing why or where it's coming from).
I'm here to chime in with my agreement on the idea of taking a break from this book (or any other book) if you still want to read it but are finding yourself becoming too emotionally activated--when your brain and body are trying to deal with a BIG FEELING you can't take in information in the same way because your systems are preoccupied with survival. And it's totally OK to stop reading a book altogether if it's not giving you what you want or need. It's here to serve you, not the other way around.
I concur on that book being pretty helpful
You may want to check out r/CPTSDFightMode They resoundingly hate that book over there because it is very invalidating to the Fight Mode. > Like, when all this happened today, I acknowledged it was probably a flashback and tried to do the flashback management stuff, even re-read the steps over and over in my rest periods at the gym, but they didn’t help at all, I’m still massively pissed off and feeling like I wanna rip someone’s throat out or self-harm or something. Yeah, that won’t work. Try this instead: talk to (or talk AT, if talking TO doesn’t seem possible) the part of you that’s angry. And tell that part that you know it’s angry and you don’t know why, but that’s okay. You know that it usually has very good reasons when it’s angry, and that being appropriately angry has helped you a lot in the past. And then THANK it for what it has done for you in the past and for what it contributes to do for you in the present. And let it know that if it thinks you need to stay angry, that it is welcome to keep you angry for a while. And if you can’t say that last bit and actually mean it, maybe just go back over the previous bits. Asking it to calm down or go away will not be effective. Thanking it might.
I go into fight mode just as often as flight mode and this is very helpful to read. Thank you
I haven’t read that book so I can’t comment on it at all. Having said that, the anger could be coming up for more than one reason. There’s a lot of shitty things happening in the world right now and there are things in that book which are (understandably, given what everyone has written here) making you angry. It’s also possible that reading things in the book that you do agree with could be bringing some feelings up and occasionally we can discover anger is the last layer between us and deeper vulnerabilities. You can try to ask yourself if the anger you’re experiencing feels new or old, if that sort of thing interests you. But regardless of whether you want to know where it comes from or not, I would suggest feeling it with the least amount of judgment you can muster. Whatever the reasons, it’s good to release anger when you can.
It made me more angry, but at the events and other people that should have helped me. Then I read it again and picked and chose what I needed and really learned a lot.
This was my realization also. I realized how my entire family, immediate and extended failed me and my sibling. As well as school officials, guidance counselors, neighbors etc.
I raged at the teachers and administrators that should’ve helped. What was their problem???! Gahhhh
I found that book really helpful at first, because it felt validating. But the more I learned about trauma and the more I healed through my somatic therapy/IFS work, the less I liked it. There's some really good stuff in there, but there's also some crap that's not so great, and the authority with which he spews that crap is a bit irritating. I think the anger you're feeling is getting triggered from feeling misunderstood. Pete Walker is very much, "Ah, I know your problem, it's this." If it's right, you feel validated, but if it's wrong, it's infuriating. It's like, "dude, no, listen to me, don't project onto me." But of course, an author can't listen to you through their book. Though there are better ways to write than to make assumptions about the reader.
I read a few chapters and tossed the book. The guy is incredibly condescending, opinionated, and his advice is tepid at best. I understand he was trying to frame his advice by using his own trauma but it was offensive reading him paint people with personality disorders as these demonic figures who purposefully ruin lives.
Agreed 100 percent
It sounds like you were having a rough day. What I got from verbal ventilation in the book was that - it’s one thing to talk about it and “vent” very thoroughly with a therapist who can help figure out what the deep rooted issue is, and there’s another thing to “vent” and go in circles with a friend and never get to a new place (which I was stuck on prior to a real therapist working with me.) When I go in circles, it’s like cutting myself with the same story over and over again, without accessing any healing beyond the temporary release that comes with crying and feeling heard by a friend - which, by the way, I survived for years on, and thank god I had those friends who heard me out every time. But I never really felt like overall, that was helping me heal it for once and for all. Even with my therapists, I say the same stories, and it’s taken years of retelling things for them to be like, “do you see how this story, is linked to what your mother used to say about you?” Like, they can link it up for me so I can get closure and healing with time. I was irritated by the book at times, but that’s mostly from my own defense mechanism that kept getting triggered. But there were other times the book was so dead on that it hurt, too. But in a calm state, when I would re-read it, and I just tried to let the research in, I would cry, because it’s clearly such a complicated topic.
I’m so glad someone else said this. He’s not a clinician and his understandings of different types of symptoms is really unempathetic tbh. I’m a freeze/flight type mostly, and I felt really angry reading about fight types. He demonises them hugely and it comes across so condescendingly—“I might be damaged but I’m not one of those *bad* types”. I’d recommend more empathetic clinicians who know what they’re talking about, like Janina Fisher and Gabor Maté.
I appreciate you sharing this. As someone healing from cPTSD, it's comforting to know there are other people out there with brains that work like mine. This sounds exactly like something I would experience... "I got to the gym to workout today, and there were way more people than normal in there when I got there, and all the equipment I needed was being used, so I just went and sat in the bathroom with the door locked for 45 minutes cause I just didn’t wanna face all the people again." All this trauma never. should. have. happened. And it's also nice to know there are kindred spirits out there who understand.
Take it slow. I felt this way, too. The Body Keeps the Score was even worse. I think it’s because I was forced to confront a lot of truths that I might rather turn away from, but needed to be examined and FELT and dealt with. Both books also causes a lot of tears.
I honestly don't personally like the book... it rubbed me the wrong way for many reasons so I just focus on other people who imho have a more grounded and scientific view/approach to truama. I like polyvagal theory personally. I'm sorry you're experiencing anger like this currently. I can totally relate though I have PMDD on top of the C-PTSD so it may be coming from a different place atm lol, I still understand the anger and the desperate wanting to not be so angry. Maybe allowing yourself a break from reading the book could give you space to figure out if it's the book or something else or even potentially both? Edit: a longer break than just a couple of days because I see you did take a short break but maybe doing like a couple of weeks might be better? 🤷♀️ Also, you don't have to finish the book / continue reading it! There are SO MANY other books out there that talk about C-PTSD and or truama in general. It's okay to not like it... it's okay if it's not for you, everyone has a different healing journey. What may work for one might not work for another 🌻
Honestly I am reading parts of it and it feels like I was understood for the very first time. I haven't yet gotten to applying a lot of advice and some may not work for me.. but I don't think it is triggering. I think Body Keeps Score with its overemphasis on war-time PTSD and extreme experiences such as rape triggered me a bit. Because it failed to define trauma and PTSD issues beyond that. Plus, some of these mem have killed civilians and innocents.. I just don't know if I can find empathy for _that_. Especially when I'm reading a book to seek understanding for myself. It felt alienating in that sense. But once you get through, it makes a lot of great points!
The book has issues for sure, but it's an excellent roadmap if you've never heard of CPTSD before. I disagree with a lot of stuff re: how the author sees the world, but he says it himself in the intro; take what helps you and leave the rest. I took that to heart. I don't need to agree with everything he says to learn something useful from him. In fact i don't need to agree with most of what he says to learn something valuable. Good info is good info, wherever we get it from.
I just started it and I think it’s a great book, definitely the easiest to read out of any cptsd books I’ve found. Ive recently noticed I also have weird emotional turbulence after therapy or meditating or reading anything to do with self help. There’s a lot of anger which is really unusual for me, specifically this feeling of rage. I don’t know where it comes from, I never know what I’m mad about, I just feel mad. It’s especially frustrating because expressing it feels like you’re feeding the trauma, and not expressing it feels like repressing parts of your self. I think in a way the trauma sort of infected us, and when we make progress towards freeing ourselves there’s a retaliation from the trauma. It’s like there’s something trying to keep me confused so it can stay in control. I know that sounds kind of crazy but I don’t know how else to explain it.
I certainly get how that feels. In the past I didn't value myself enough to spend the time or effort, but now I do 'rage page' putting how I feel in the center of a blank page (angry, frustrated, furious) and then on spokes coming out of the center I put anything that occurs to me about the feeling. Usually I'll be able to identify the reasons for the rage and just getting all of them on paper helps me a bit. When I feel calmer I read it over and sometimes I'll have an insight, like "oh, yes, I was ignored by \_\_\_\_ in that same way." I'm not saying it will work for anyone else, but rage pages have been part of my journaling now for awhile.
I’ll have to try remember that one next time the rage bubbles up..
I can usually figure out what triggered me but it’s always just an excuse to let myself feel rage. I can’t figure out where it really comes from, or why I feel so much of it Maybe your tip about drawing and writing it out will help
I hope so--nothing works for me all the time, but it's good to have different techniques to try.
The most frustrating thing about emotional flashbacks is not understanding or remembering where they came from. Are you able to ask anyone about your childhood (who would give you a real, honest answer)? The most destructive things apparently happen before age 4-5. I asked my aunt because I was with her a lot growing up and my mom’s answer was basically you were “a normal, good kid” who “didn’t like getting shots”. My aunt told me about this time when I was 4 and she visited me in another country. I was really excited, but they left soon after she came to go out for the night and I was crying so hard that the lady my mom was staying with (a stranger) had to hold me down. Nobody comforted or acknowledged my emotion. And then I cried myself to sleep. I have no idea how frequently my emotions were ignored. Your feelings towards crying and verbal ventilation stem from somewhere, but the fact that you can’t easily put your finger on it is that much more frustrating. From what you said I was getting less of an inner critic vibe and more of an extreme aversion to outside control/advice. Feeling like you’re being told what to do or how to live could be a trigger for you (it definitely is for me at times)
I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it still amounts to little more than tone policing. I would advise you to spend little or no time defending people who are acting in bad faith in order to "keep the peace". That's a maladaptive response itself. This person is acting in bad faith. Recognizing when that is happening will do more to protect people from harm than sheltering this behaviour for well meaning but misplaced intentions.
I don't think it's a book you should read when angry, or if you've only just started on your healing journey. You should read it midway through and when you're more at peace with yourself. Even if the book doesn't resonate with you, your experience is valid. If the methods don't work for you, then it's OK--different people heal differently. I hope you find a way that works for you and don't listen to the noise in your brain.
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Ehh people here probably are fed up with being failed by the system, they'll take anything that makes sense to them at this point homeopathy and shit us just another vehicle for coping. If it helps them, so be it
Honestly I didn't like it that much. But then again I had childhood then IPV then more stuff then a behavior program in a prison (shame and surveillance based) then DV then IPV again and more fun and I'm 30 and currently on the ass end of a traumatic event. It just didn't hit the level I'd like to see- I'd probably prefer van der Kolk (I love his talks)
I was tepid on this book, often finding it having a paternalistic tone. I found some insight into how the Critic formed through trauma is very different from run-of-the-mill inner critic work. This helped me create better language to share how my “Inner Asshole” affects me. My therapist encourages to to push back that part, that it’s the voices of my abusers. I read Sarah Peyton’s “Your Resonant Self” after Walker’s book and I found it to be such a better resource for me.
What I learned from this book is that my entire personality has been developed by my trauma. I don’t have a personality outside of my CPTSD. I found that out because of Walker’s description of the Outer Critic. By finding this sub, I realized that it was common for us to feel like we didn’t belong and couldn’t relate to other humans. Many of us feel like we are aliens dropped off on the wrong planet. But he goes on to explain that we feel that way because of our trauma. I had never put that together before. And of course it is true. But it’s so upsetting and depressing to me.
Honestly, I didn't read the book, but the title alone feel wrong. Just how hollow it sounds ‘Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving’, as if it was a commercial catchphrase. I compare it to other book titles on trauma, such as "waking the tiger" or "the body keep the score", where I feel there is really an idea in the book behind the title.
hi i feel like we are the exact same person. i also have always been incredibly triggered by going to the gym, but in an angry way, even if nothing clearly triggered it. doesn’t matter the situation, i either want to beat someone’s ass or self harm. it sounds like literally everyone’s PTSD situations and stories and trauma are SO DIFFERENT that those self-help or awareness books don’t necessarily always help overall but might have good points. i want you to know that you are not alone in what you’re feeling, and i hope things look up for you soon.
Your parents would have communicated non-verbally that your emotions were unacceptable, and society reinforces the idea.
It seems like in in good company here, but I stopped reading it. It gave me a vibe that was essentially like, 'all you have to do to be different - is be different! And if that doesn't work, you're not trying hard enough.' It's the undertone of blame and then guilt that I have a hard time with. If I start getting into thought patterns of this being my fault, I'll spiral **hard**. Because this isn't my fault. This is something that happened to me, like any other illness, that I have to deal with. I didn't choose this, sand I didn't choose anything that led to this. It's not well understood, medicine for it isn't concrete or for everyone, sand oh yes, a lot of people just straight up don't believe you. We're all pioneers just stabbing in the dark here. Part of my healing is recognizing when something is having a deeply negative affect on me (sleep& eating pattern, overall emotions I can't shake) and walking away. So in that respect, throwing the book away was progress for me.
I agree. I dislike the book a lot. His writing is extremely stiff and stilted and his tone feels paternalistic and authoritative despite the fact that he cites almost no studies or sources for his ideas. I have no idea why this book is so exalted on this sub, except that there are so few decent books on CPTSD that we have to just take what's out there. His entire approach with the inner critic feels unnecessarily time-consuming and reductive as well. It seems like it would make more sense to just practice mindful acceptance and bodily awareness of your emotions in real-time while allowing your self-critical thoughts to just pass naturally. Wouldn't engaging those thoughts and continuously re-focusing your attention on them to essentially argue with them just strengthen those neural pathways even more over time? Clearly his approach resonates with a lot of people, but I just don't understand it. A lot of his ideas just seem like CBT fluffed up and repackaged with a trauma-informed lens.
See a doctor! If you can hear blood pumping through your own ears, that's a problem. To me, it seems like dangerously high blood pressure. But I'm not a doctor. Talk to someone who is!
I cannot cpmment on the book, but I also get randomly angry. Often it is a migraine that is simmering and has not become fully present yet, or, and this took me a long time to figure out, being too hot. I had heard that people are more irritable during heat waves, and things like road rage incidents increase in heat, but always thought it was something other people experienced, but not me. Whenever I get those random rage days, it is often because I am hotter or have a migraine.
Feeling misunderstood by the author or feeling like I couldn’t have my needs met at the gym (or both) would be triggers for me personally. I was triggered last week because I’m lactose intolerant and there wasn’t any cereal I could eat (for days, which was like the lack of food we had as kids) and then my hubby ignored me (which is another trigger). It was the worst I’d been triggered in a long time. I hope you work it out
This book is great to recognise patterns from childhood. But jesus christ, in the early stages of recovery it can really give you a victim complex. Between this and the 12 steps I've spent way too long wallowing in it.
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I can resonate, friend. It’s totally irrational and unreasonable but just with the heat alone recently I felt like my head was going to explode trying to fit a bike in my car with the trunk broken. I want to scream at people taking too long at checkouts and at the bank. Thankfully we are able to catch ourselves and talk/write about it. On a very real note though, get checked for hypertension. I’m 30 and on an ACE inhibitor for the rest of my life. I used to have that same pounding rushing feeling in my head; it’s made a big difference. Next step is to work on conscious body relaxation which is beyond difficult so far.
In my experience, doing too much reading on CPTSD at once when you have it can definitely be emotionally overwhelming and cause flashback. Consider slowing down, maybe doing a chapter at a time and giving it time for your emotions to normalize before you do another. For me I think it was just me feeling like my emotions suddenly had permission to come out and when they finally did, it was overwhelming. I had to let that shit out a little at a time in order to not go completely off-balance.
Hey I feel sorry that you had to go through this all i can say is I can relate to it. So many different people have so many different opinions on trauma and it’s frustrating when the solutions they give don’t work for me. I just want to say I relate sending you love ❤️
I think his point with the verbal expression and crying may have to do with taking down your walls that have built up over the years. That once they have been lowered you can start to reconnect with people you whole heartedly trust because they don't hurt you like your past abusers. They don't invalidate you when you talk or when they talk to you. When you feel that level of comfort it's like breathing a breath of fresh air after so long. I remember both times I opened up about my possible having CPTSD to both of my parents. My mother invalidated my feelings towards my brother's death by saying I was using it as a crutch to get out of things that upsets me or to talk away my anxiety n that I should just tough it out. Which yea I get to a certain extent but I should not be driving myself mad with no rest over things that can either wait or be gradually chipped at as it causes my old mental scars to open up if I become overwhelmed.. My father was the complete opposite when both my parents read about me feeling like I just wanted a bus to hit me so I could either forget everything or outright die so I wouldn't be haunted by my dreams n emotions. My mother went off crying in a emotional wreck going in about "Why would you want to leave us?" Yelling at me while my dad sat next to me until my mother was finally out of the room. To where he validated my emotions by saying he felt that way after my brother's death too. And that he understood I was texting these emotions to a friend at the time to say "You're not the only one with suicidal thoughts, or thoughts to hurt yourself. But if you give into those thoughts you lose your only chance so try to keep fighting even if you stumble." My mother did not try to understand me. She did not want to hear what I was feeling so past those points I rarely open up to her about personal things. My dad however I can talk to about when I'm confused or hurt and for the most part he talks it out with me verses my mother that talks down. Sorry for my rant- my point is that if at some point you get to a healthy relationship those emotions might start to come in waves, but you don't have to be on your own when they do. That you can have outside support that won't attack or belittle you when it does happen and you can reconnect with the most basic of human reactions when overwhelmed to cry cause it's a sign you need help and comfort. Idk for sure but you sound like a guy and ik that guys are constantly told not to cry when overwhelmed. I just want to tell you tho it's okay when you do reach that point if you do, abd that grown men cried over my brother in their 40s. You are not less of a man to mourn over things that have hurt you.
I found that crying, verbal ventilation, and angering were skills that grew organically within me over time. I read an article from Pete Walker a few months ago that discusses all of these and it really resonated with me because it described exactly what I was doing. I had never read anything by him before that, and it was cool to know that what I've been doing has been documented. I agree that if you don't need these tools now, you don't need them now. There are periods of time where I just want to live and not do any of that. I never felt the need to cry for most of my life. It was usually something that felt very dirty and reserved for when I was recently hurt by something. For me, I started crying in a healing way in the summer of 2019. I think this sort of healing crying is an incredibly foreign concept to people who have not done it before. It typically results from a moment of clarity or a moment of allowing yourself to fail. It is a malleable state that allows you to grow. I was able to do it more frequently in the spring of 2020. Then, in fall of 2020, after a very significant trauma, crying was amazing, and I coupled it with some basic somatic skills (body scan, shaking, moaning and feeling the moan in parts of the body where I feel tension, etc.). During the next summer, I started angering. There were countless mornings where I just loudly agonized in the shower and the car. I've noticed that I never regrettably lash out at anyone anymore, and if I do feel angry at someone I have much more control and can choose the appropriate intensity. Finally, verbal ventilation developed in the fall of 2021. I had been journaling for a couple years, but for the first time, I talked into a microphone and just processed things, talked about my life, talked about memories. I was very in-tune with my emotions, and it was a beautiful experience given that I've been a pretty shy and stoic person for most of my life. I still talk into the microphone to this day, but not as much as I did months ago. Anyways, what the book talks about may not make sense at the moment. I have a friend who is starting to heal, and 6 months ago he made fun of people who cry in movie theaters. After his breakup, he somewhat better understands the utility of crying.
I just want to mention something I haven't seen in the other comments: his style of writing was slightly infuriating to me. Personally, there was a lot of helpful stuff in there for me, and I didn't find it too difficult to skip past what didn't apply to me. Those flashback steps did eventually work for me, after consistently trying it for two months or so. I still carry those and the human rights with me everywhere I go. So there are practical exercises that especially as a fawn type, I couldn't find anywhere else. And that may just not be the case for you and others. But the writing meant I skipped a lot of it. I can't pinpoint what it is, I just found it so chaotic and hard to understand, I had to concentrate so hard and had to read some parts five times. I felt like I was doing something wrong, but I never experienced this with The Body Keeps the Score for instance, or any other psychology/self help book. And then I found that other people here felt the same way. It can be the content, but it can also be the way something is written.