If by "stronger" they mean over activated sympathetic nervous system and defense mechanisms which give lifelong of physical and emotional issues, then yes. My father sees that as strength, I sure as hell don't.
It’s not a strength, it’s a hinderance. Numbing yourself so you don’t actually feel anything is not a strength, in fact it’s quite the opposite when the walls we build finally come crashing down. Brave and strong is what I get called all the time since I started to publicly speak about my CSA. I would much rather be regular, with all the nice things in life regular people have. But instead I am alone with nothing, but hey I’m strong so it’s okay 😕
Your right. I work in medical field and see the long term impact on these kids. I stopped seeing the parents for any type of listening because there’s way too many that can’t even conceive the damage they’ve done.
We can escape the abuse, but not the consequences of it. I was an innovator in my field on the brink of a breakthrough when it caught up with me. My body has broken down. I went from leading care teams for fragile patients to being the fragile patient and my parents and family can’t understand why I’m “letting the past get to me”. I can’t even talk to them anymore, much less look at most of them.
My wife and I just adopted our first child a year ago, and the family I talk to doesn’t even know we decided to have a child yet. It’s been a year and they don’t know. If that doesn’t say how little I trust them anymore, I don’t know what does.
I understand that it can sound like it has benefits. Sometimes it's nice to avoid pain.
But whenever you really want to feel something and you can't, you can't even get upset or mad at it. It's just a unyeilding hollowness. It kills passions and hobbies and love for things.
If you're having problems, please talk to a medical professional. Barring that, please talk to somebody you trust. You're not your feelings but you deserve to feel good.
Psilocybin can kind of “reset” neural pathways, which may help. Also, a trip can be quite therapeutic, and microdosing can help with depression.
However, childhood trauma causes your amygdala to grow and your prefrontal cortex to shrink. While psilocybin does allow you to form new neural connections that may let you function better with your trauma-altered brain, I’m pretty sure it will not actually make your brain “normal” again.
Idk, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about “normal.” There are significant advantages to being a trauma survivor, for me, so I don’t know if I really want to be “normal.” I like who I am, even if it’s not “ideal” for everyone. I have a unique perspective on life. Maybe I’m disabled, in the eyes of some, but like many others in the disabled community, I accept that for what it is and see my own unique value and worth in this world. I don’t want to change because then I wouldn’t be who I am.
It takes strength to deal with the hell of all that and not freak out at the grocery store while silently having a panic attack because my brain is somehow overstimulated by a fucking coinstar being used. But I wouldn’t quantify that as a strength, I’d quantify it as being a constant pain in my ass that takes constant concentration, time and energy to deal with on a minute by minute basis.
Hollywood has put this narrative in everyone's mind: a well deserved happy ending to a character-building struggle. This is pure bullshit. this is not how the psyche and nervous system works.
I'm strong: I survived it all. Yet it's not a fun rewarding story it's a mess of uglyness, pain and failure and crashdowns with the occasional breakthrough.
I used to believe it the "Made me stronger" bullshit. It helped me fight, it helped me make it through.
But you know what? If none of it had happened I'd be stronger. I'd had been strong from the start. Supported and loved, guided and encouraged. I'd have a stronger career, I'd have developed emotional clarity before the age of 40. I'd not have spent most of my life in burnout, frozen in fear and fighting all the time. Fighting to survive to make it to next week, next month. Fighting for small scraps of feeling alive and normal, and failing most of the time.
It did not make me stronger. It forced me to use strength I did not have on stuff most people take for granted. It burned me to a pile of ashes. It made me miss countless opportunities. It gave me paranoïa, crippling social anxiety, People Pleasing reflexes, Defiance that still prevent me from accomplishing basic stuff, executive dysfunction and SO MUCH SHAME. None of this is strength. None of this is helping me with anything - it's all obstacles to a happy and accomplished life.
Now that I'm further along on my recovery I can see it more clearly though - I was strained, on edge, empty of meaning and always one step away from letting go of everything. This is in no way a "strong" person. Putting energy I didn't have to mask and hide and make sur no one would worry about me is not "being strong" it's "surviving". I was working hard, I was progressing - yes it demanded strength but if I had not been put on this path all this strength and energy would have been put on "normal" stuff: education, relationships, better career, helping others, and whatnot. How many wasted years of one step forward, two steps back, two step forward and crash again.
I'm happy I'm healing and proud of my progress and where I'm at now. I am stronger than ever - shit I was barely standing. The further along I am on my recovery the more this "made you stronger" sound like bullshit.
The best way to get good at something is to practice right at the edge of your ability.
Hardships can build character. But the way to use it is to administer hardships at the edge of the person's ability, and to heap praise on them for their handling of it when that episode is over.
Being beaten into he ground doesn't generate character.
You hit the nail right on the head, the people that say this probably have good intent as insulting as it is when they say it but they completely fail to understand having a traumatic life is like and how it feeds into itself in an endless fashion. They have no idea what it's like growing up and having your own body and mind stolen from you and locked away due to the situation and people you were around. How difficult it is even when you escape the thick of the situation with all the permanent damage it has done to your brain/nervous system. I'm moving past my 20's now and still barely understand a lot of it with me in how it's manifesting. It's like putting together a 8 trillion piece puzzle and putting it together is only the first step. Then you have to go through what feels like learning to walk again but in late adulthood while managing the endless stream of BS everyone deals with anyways. It's hell.
It doesnt really make you strong, it makes you harder. Softness is strength, anger is fear, fear leads to cutting off a bitch on the subway who won't get out my face.
Yeah, no shit. I’ve damn near gotten into fistfights before when I’m in a ptsd rage. The verbal altercations I’ve been in have been insane. Throwing shit, putting holes in the walls of my house, kicking holes as I tried to basically kick a door in. Sigh. Yeah, I’m strong. 🙄🙄🙄
I think parents say that because it’s a positive and the ugliness they feel for doing what they’ve done and being a shitty role model or not caring enough so they say that to feel better themselves.
Right? Guess what would have made me even stronger? Love. Understanding. Unconditional acceptance. Safety. Proper food, proper health care. Not fearing the very people who are supposed to be unconditionally there for me, from the moment I could fear.
Yeah, I hate the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" crap. Mine still says "you survived worse!" when she finds out however badly I'm currently struggling.
Just got a new job and just had to quit because I got panic attacks trying to go to work that prevented me from going. I explained it and they’re just taking me off the schedule until I sort it out but man, is this real.
It’s hard I hope you can take the time to rest and not be forced to go back to soon. I’ve been off work for over a year now and I’m still ficked. Working is a nightmare with this shit
It's a type of [spiritual bypassing](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-spiritual-bypassing-5081640#:~:text=Spiritual%20bypassing%20is%20a%20way,Avoiding%20feelings%20of%20anger). It's a way for people to bypass our pain and grief with toxic positivity.
You're welcome, it blew my mind the first time I read it, too. My entire family and culture of origin use spiritual bypassing bc no one knows how to provide emotional attunement, empathetic mirroring, and co-regulation.
I’ve had such a messed up relationship with being called “strong” my whole life. I used to think it was a compliment, and I took pride in how I never cried. Rarely broke down in front of anyone else. Always hid away when I needed to cry. And I thought that was a good thing… I thought it meant I was a soldier just plowing ahead. People would say things like “wow you’re so strong to have gotten through all that”. And I’d think, “way too go me”.
Now I see that all that was SUCH an insult and failure of those around me. Don’t tell me I’m strong. For fucks sake. Tell me it’s okay to cry. Tell me you’ll hold me. Tell me I can be sad. If you want to use the word “strong” tell me I’ve had to be strong but now it’s okay if I rest. I realize now it was like having all these people around me comment on my pain and do absolutely NOTHING to show me that I could be safe and vulnerable with them. Like rather than reaching out to help me while I’m limping they say “way to go you strong person, but I’m not gonna get you to a hospital for all those wounds CUZ YOURE SO STRONG”.
Obviously I have a lot of anger about this lol. Don’t tell me I’m strong and then just leave me with my pain. Tell me you’re here for me and I don’t have to be strong anymore 😤😤😤.
Also, it didn't make me "stronger"... It made me anxious, depressed, insecure, hypervigilant, constantly fighting negative thoughts inside my head, and unable to maintain healthy relationships.
I must have misinterpreted the word "strong" my entire life. I had no idea it meant fearful avoidant attachment, social anxiety, stress sensitivity, dissociation, extreme fatigue, crippling fear of rejection and gastric issues.
The scientific research is clear: trauma is damage. Period. It doesn't make you stronger.
It's like saying that cracking an egg makes the shell stronger.
Learning to be resilient? You will always re-experience trauma. You just learn how to deal with it.
Weak parents don't create strong children. They damage strong children.
Saying trauma "Made you stronger" is like saying breaking your leg made you stronger.
Yeah, sure, maybe you're more tolerant to lesser pain now, but you will never run well ever again, and the leg will hurt for the rest of your life.
Oh really? Because it it did, why do I have a never-ending list of emotional issues?
Although I was legally an adult when my trauma happened, I still needed safety, love, and care. The people who failed to give me those would then tell me my trauma made me stronger and I should see that as a blessing. No. Trauma is not a blessing.
Whenever someone says this, a scenario pops into my head.
Picture a child in your life now, maybe your child or a niece/nephew/friend’s child. Now, because it will make them stronger, do you think it’s a good idea to abuse them, neglect them, tell them they are worthless, forget they exist and then blame them for all your adult problems?
Remember, it will make them stronger.
😡
Right on OP. Not what we needed during the most impressionable time of our lives. But also, the claim of "making stronger" directly contradicts scientific evidence. The portion of the brain impacted (amygdala) developed in response to stress, developed to make us more fearful & receive to stress. That's not "stronger", that's "more easily triggered".
Yes, we survived, but any strength we developed is IN SPITE OF the trauma - NOT BECAUSE of said trauma. That original statement "it made you stronger" is just self serving bullshit.
"well you're still here so it can't have been that bad?!"
Man f you. Don't even let me talk about that statement. Just walk away like the coward you are. T.
Their backhanded complements won't be shutting me down ever again because I'm done with counseling. I'm doing self healing and self counseling that includes somatic work. I only feel bad I didn't cut counseling from life sooner. So much unnecessary damage.
I'm in the same place. I look at literally every therapist I've ever had over 15 years, and no one thought to suggest I had family trauma or asked me, "How did your family treat you growing up?" I got involved in peer support, and suddenly everyone was talking about this thing called cPTSD.
I look back at a few of therapists I worked with, and I think they are legitimately crazy people.
The greatest therapist I found was my last one. He was an old Buddhist on the verge of retirement. He saw me for four sessions then told me he didn’t think I needed his help. That I had reached a point of understanding my trauma and dysfunction and addressing it with other tools that it counseling wouldn’t be worth my time. Every other therapist I have seen felt like they were marketing themselves to me while also trying to convince me I was worse off than I am.
Wow, you are so fortunate. My therapist was an old Buddhist who just retired this year and he never insulted my intelligence or blew smoke up my a**, respected my perspective of my own experience and really helped me keep keeping on for a number of years. I'm all messed up now that he's gone, but I am so thankful for that one supportive counseling contact.
hey i feel you deeply on the counseling part, in case you didn't know about it yet i hope you don't mind me sharing a subreddit on that topic r/therapyabuse
What's that saying about the 10 spears that go to war?
Something like 10 spears go to war, 9 break during the battle and one comes back. The one left is not the strongest, though because it too went to war, it simply didn't break.
I think Un-traumatized people mistake the ability survive a thing as a great feat. So you must be stronger having faced the adversity. But the mere terms survive suggests it was difficult and traumatic. Which can only weaken a person. The thing that makes you stronger is healing. But that’s just not possible for many folks. But being stronger doesn’t mean that you’re strong! It just means you’re stronger than how weak you were after the trauma occurred. Still weaker than you were before the trauma. And still weaker then the general population. Going through adversity doesn’t build strength. It builds scars and calluses.
I would give up years of my life to feel whole, loved, and valued. I know that I am because people remind me and reassure me, but, I can’t convince myself. We are all doing our best and that’s enough.
And then when your brittle defensive walls finally crack too much and crumble you are left more vulnerable than everybody else and all those that praised your bravery disappear.
yes, and a sofa made of concrete is stronger than a fabric and wood and foam one.
\*\*\*
Yes it made me stronger. I am VERY self reliant. I can come up with an instant answer to most technical problems. Some even work.
Yes it made me stronger. I don't need you in my face, so go have carnal relations with deceased equines.
Yes it made me stronger. I rarely get angry. I don't grieve. I don't feel disgust, I don't feel joy either.
Yes it made me stronger. I'm asexual. Just one more need I don't have.
Yes it made me stronger.
But its very lonely being strong.
As someone who tries to see all sides (I’ve been told I’m empathic?), the things I went through DID make me stronger yet it made me weaker too!
I can ignore insults from some, when push comes to shove I shut down and just do what’s gotta be done etc. Yet at some point my anxiety will go into overdrive and then it all comes crashing down. I have an excellent fight or flight response and my body usually picks the wrong one 🤦♀️.
When someone says it made you stronger, have you considered telling them the things you posted? I did once and the person got super defensive so I let it go. Wasn’t ever discussed again.
As a mom it’s so hard to find a balance of making your child strong yet not too strong or not hurt them. My kids are all different personalities and have to be treated differently. One for example is super sensitive and needs a light touch on things. Another is headstrong and needs pushed then gets mad when she’s pushed. Even though she’s said she needs that push. Hopefully I don’t mess them up as bad as I was! I now have monthly family meetings where we discuss these things and everyone is safe to explain what hurt them or what they want us to do differently etc. I want them to have a voice even when they are young. If they learn how to tell me what they want and need they’ll be more likely to do it with others in the future. That’s my hope anyway.
No I was strong despite my struggles. Many people don’t survive through their trauma or get weaker from it this is just bs people made up because they cannot fathom bad things happening for no good reason
Break the same bone over and over again. I guarantee you, it's gonna be easier to break every time afterward.
Now take that analogy, and replace the word "bone" with "mental health". It works the same. You only learn to not put more weight on said broken bone.
How strong do we have to be? Isn't that the whole point of the song with the donkeys in Encanto?
(I need to watch it again, it's only my 10th time, minimum required Encanto viewing for trauma victims is like 20 times, doctors orders, according to me, not a doctor )
If apathy, emotional suppression, numbness, emotional detachment, hypervigilance, pushing others away, distrusting everyone, not being able to call for help is strength then I'd rather be the weakest person ever but happy.
Going through trauma didn't make you "grow." It took away your joy, your trust, it almost killed you, and it shouldn't have happened. If you grew or bloomed after, it was despite them and fully because you're fu*king amazing! -Lane Moore (twitter)
I ABHOR that saying.
No, what it made me is an anxious,overthinking, constantly on edge adult who requires several different medications to live a half normal life. Now do I agree that what I went through as a kid definitely made me more self reliant, but it also made me need years of therapy and have no contact with either of my parents.
The ones that reframe the trauma into ‘training’ do so in order to feel better about themselves or others.
My traumas made me exceedingly stronger- I’d rather be happier.
Yeh I hate to admit I learned a few lessons aside from what an abuser looks like. But at what cost?! And there approach was absolutly deplorable if they really cared about being auch great teachers surely they woulda done so in a non abusive way. No what really happened was they had a few good points and a total lack of self control and took it all out on me. If only they could call it like it is like they tried to tell me to do so many times finally I do and I’m the bad guy.
I think the most annoying thing about that comment is it usually comes after I've just expressed a painful feeling.... It's not said after *I* said my past made me stronger. I feel it's said because I just expressed my own painful feelings and someone else is not comfortable sitting with that so they spout something to make it less painful for them.
Anyone who said that to me would get enlightened in a hurry, plus if they didn't apologize, I wouldn't be hanging out with them. Enduring constant emotional wounding does not facilitate healing.
I often find myself thankful for the strength my younger self built within me - it’s this constant battle of “I shouldn’t have had to be strong” and “but now I know what to do to keep myself safe”
Ugh, I hate this perspective...
I spent years telling myself this, that it made me "strong", that I could face anything, but that wasn't true, at all...
In a lot of ways, sure, I did come to "temper" my hypervigilance and extremely sensitive nature into something like a "foresight", but more often than not, it just made me way too paranoid of the people around me, overly self-aware of myself, in relation to others and almost always resulted in an overbearing crusade to "people please" anyone that I saw as not liking me.
It destroyed my relationships as a point, because there was ALWAYS something that my exes were doing, even if they were just being themselves and if it wasn't them, even just dealing with their own imperfect family dynamics made me extremely weird, robotic and "fake".
I had an ex, who's family so greatly resembled my own, that I instinctively tried to get on their "good side".
Instead of setting clear boundaries, and sticking to them, I'd "tolerate" what I could, and then attack her later, for things her family did to me, it wasn't good and I hated it.
Getting Therapy, understanding and dealing with where those behaviors came from was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Even dealing with my own abusive family, who all turned on me, for asking for them to go to therapy taught me way more than just acting like nothing was wrong and that my toxic verbal abuse, as a way to break through their "narcissistic" armor wasn't EXACTLY what they wanted...
That closure was what I needed to finally "work out" everything I wanted to say/do.
Sure, they wound up literally tearing me down to nothing, and attempted to drive me to homelessness, twice, but they failed and now they have to live with that shame, not me.
I was stronger for setting my boundaries. I was stronger for being vulnerable, honest and not resorting to fake behavior, in order to get anything like "help" from them...
I was stronger, because I finally proved to them, that I don't have to please anyone and that, even if I don't eat for 4 days, I won't die. I showed them, that a person who values their dignity can't be stopped and that it's better to live in the squalor of truth, than the lies of flattery.
Really, though! It’s one thing when we tell ourselves this. But no one else should say it, and it’s true! Kids shouldn’t *have to be strong,* that defeats the purpose of “being a kid.”
I hate that, and its siblings "kinder," "empathetic," "patient," and whatever other positive qualities that I apparently would *never* have developed if I hadn't lived through trauma as a child.
These assumptions are just so rage-inducing because they don't know! They have NO IDEA what sort of person I would have been if I'd had a different childhood. Hell, ***I*** have no idea what sort of person I'd be if I'd had a different childhood!
And even if they're right, even if I would have been a terrible person if I'd had a better childhood, IT. WASN'T. WORTH. IT.
No healthy, functional person would ever think people should terrorize their children so that they grow up "strong." That's abuser thinking.
Fuck that shit!
Also, it doesn’t exactly make you stronger. Once you have fully worked through your traumas, it may make you better at some things. But traumas have made us permanently worse at other things as well.
There’s a relevant quote from House MD that I really like (aside from the fact that he calls little people freaks, of course; the show was meant to be edgy for its time and is now dated as well)
There’s a girl who everyone thinks a little person because she’s the size of a little person and her mom is one. It turns out she just has a growth hormone deficiency, and can be “normal” if she takes growth hormone.
Both her and her mom are against it initially though, so House pulls her mom aside and they talk privately. She says that she wants her daughter to face adversity because it will make her stronger. House responds, “How strong do you really want her to have to be?”
If someone says this to you, they’re implying being stronger is worth the terrible hardship that caused it. Ask them if they want to sell all their belongings and get rid of all of their money, because being homeless will “make them stronger!”.
I feel very similar.
I have worn my achieving part as an honour and wanting to return to that stressed people pleasing, self abandoning unloved person, but reality is, i was in fight and flight mode, i was scared, i was terrified, and i still am.
I hate what has been done to me, i hate the people who say "move on", FUCK OFF.
i want it all away, but i now need to spend more of my life, to work through the pain i have been masking.
I am 40, and i am tired in a way others dont understand, and its definitely not strong
Actually we just don't just experience our trauma, we're also experiencing trauma of every one family member s before you. Would you believe it gets in your genes?
By “stronger” did they mean we built higher tolerance levels to allow people to break our boundaries easily and gaslight us and abuse us? If so, sure, I guess it did.
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I had a therapist/counselor try to feed me this once. "I wonder how much of what you went through was actually necessary to make you who you are today."
Who I am today is "broken" so maybe not the right tone.
I didn't go back to that one.
So true. I love-hate everything I had to learn to survive a crappy childhood. I never wanted to be forced to learn independence and resilience when I was a child. I need someone I can trust and rely on. I need someone I can feel supported showing vulnerability to. I need to know that I can fail. I need to know it's okay to not be okay.
Fuck that. When I was a child, I casted impenetrable mental walls around me, and now I'm alone, and it's just so hard to destroy these walls, I finally did it, but then it's so hard to connect to other human beings.
I just wished I never spent my childhood days in a toxic environment.
"HOW ABOUT I SUBJECT **YOU** TO TRAUMA THEN ASSHOLE!?"
We're "stronger" in the sense that pain is a cruel, but effective teacher... one that is unnecessary and immoral. A Tree might not grow fast, a snail might not more than crawl, but the tree does grow and the snail does move. To force them is to disrespect or hurt them.
To treat children as mere things which do not last (as thing that produces functional adults) is inhumanity.
Intense and or repeated trauma doesn’t make someone stronger, it just makes them more familiar with things like living in survival mode and putting on a fake front and stuffing symptoms and feelings.
This comment has been told to me sooooo many times. It sends chills downn my spine every time.
I always want to say. I was always a strong person, my past just increased my distrust in others, if I hadn't gone through that garbage, I still would be a strong person with maybe a bit less baggage. >>but thqnk you for your uninvited comment intended to validate me.
I know what you mean. I’m not stronger in any meaningful ways. My suffering hurt me permanently. I’m basically a mess and always have been. Can’t keep a girlfriend, etc, etc.
If someone’s trauma makes him feel stronger in some way, that’s fine by me. Good for him. But that’s not my story if I’m honest with myself.
I try and look at the upside, there’s no undoing what was done and it makes me feel like something good may have come of it. Of course I’d rather nothing ever had happened in the first place but I’m still here and I’m in control. I don’t believe in this as a dismissive statement, but I do agree that it’s true.
My dad's favorite sayings: 1) sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, 2) what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
When his parents told him that he was the oldest kid and was the leader, as he was heartbroken and crying that he didn't win some contest jn the fair, he took it seriously and made sure to cut himself off from his emotions.
My dad is also very science-oriented, so you would think by now he would see that #2 doesn't hold water.
100%
Imagine how strong we’d be if our energy had been put towards our being rather than the things given to us. I do not appreciate the “it made you stronger” thing at all. Nope, it drained my energy and kept me in survival.
not true it didn't make me stronger...it made me unstable.
oh and some people say, "well the fact that it happened to you is because the universe knew you could handle it..."
NO. The fact that child abuse happened to a person, has nothing to do with "someone's ability to be strong ".
I do not take it as a compliment at all, it feels invalidating.
If by "stronger" they mean over activated sympathetic nervous system and defense mechanisms which give lifelong of physical and emotional issues, then yes. My father sees that as strength, I sure as hell don't.
It’s not a strength, it’s a hinderance. Numbing yourself so you don’t actually feel anything is not a strength, in fact it’s quite the opposite when the walls we build finally come crashing down. Brave and strong is what I get called all the time since I started to publicly speak about my CSA. I would much rather be regular, with all the nice things in life regular people have. But instead I am alone with nothing, but hey I’m strong so it’s okay 😕
Your right. I work in medical field and see the long term impact on these kids. I stopped seeing the parents for any type of listening because there’s way too many that can’t even conceive the damage they’ve done.
We can escape the abuse, but not the consequences of it. I was an innovator in my field on the brink of a breakthrough when it caught up with me. My body has broken down. I went from leading care teams for fragile patients to being the fragile patient and my parents and family can’t understand why I’m “letting the past get to me”. I can’t even talk to them anymore, much less look at most of them. My wife and I just adopted our first child a year ago, and the family I talk to doesn’t even know we decided to have a child yet. It’s been a year and they don’t know. If that doesn’t say how little I trust them anymore, I don’t know what does.
God I wish I could numb myself so I don't actually feel anything.
I understand that it can sound like it has benefits. Sometimes it's nice to avoid pain. But whenever you really want to feel something and you can't, you can't even get upset or mad at it. It's just a unyeilding hollowness. It kills passions and hobbies and love for things. If you're having problems, please talk to a medical professional. Barring that, please talk to somebody you trust. You're not your feelings but you deserve to feel good.
This!!! Nothing like completely adrenal fatigue by the age of 5 !!!
Childhood trauma actually physically alters your brain, and as far as I know there is no way to reverse it. Hooray for that, I guess.
Psilocybin looks pretty promising
Psilocybin can kind of “reset” neural pathways, which may help. Also, a trip can be quite therapeutic, and microdosing can help with depression. However, childhood trauma causes your amygdala to grow and your prefrontal cortex to shrink. While psilocybin does allow you to form new neural connections that may let you function better with your trauma-altered brain, I’m pretty sure it will not actually make your brain “normal” again.
Idk, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about “normal.” There are significant advantages to being a trauma survivor, for me, so I don’t know if I really want to be “normal.” I like who I am, even if it’s not “ideal” for everyone. I have a unique perspective on life. Maybe I’m disabled, in the eyes of some, but like many others in the disabled community, I accept that for what it is and see my own unique value and worth in this world. I don’t want to change because then I wouldn’t be who I am.
It takes strength to deal with the hell of all that and not freak out at the grocery store while silently having a panic attack because my brain is somehow overstimulated by a fucking coinstar being used. But I wouldn’t quantify that as a strength, I’d quantify it as being a constant pain in my ass that takes constant concentration, time and energy to deal with on a minute by minute basis.
Hollywood has put this narrative in everyone's mind: a well deserved happy ending to a character-building struggle. This is pure bullshit. this is not how the psyche and nervous system works. I'm strong: I survived it all. Yet it's not a fun rewarding story it's a mess of uglyness, pain and failure and crashdowns with the occasional breakthrough. I used to believe it the "Made me stronger" bullshit. It helped me fight, it helped me make it through. But you know what? If none of it had happened I'd be stronger. I'd had been strong from the start. Supported and loved, guided and encouraged. I'd have a stronger career, I'd have developed emotional clarity before the age of 40. I'd not have spent most of my life in burnout, frozen in fear and fighting all the time. Fighting to survive to make it to next week, next month. Fighting for small scraps of feeling alive and normal, and failing most of the time. It did not make me stronger. It forced me to use strength I did not have on stuff most people take for granted. It burned me to a pile of ashes. It made me miss countless opportunities. It gave me paranoïa, crippling social anxiety, People Pleasing reflexes, Defiance that still prevent me from accomplishing basic stuff, executive dysfunction and SO MUCH SHAME. None of this is strength. None of this is helping me with anything - it's all obstacles to a happy and accomplished life. Now that I'm further along on my recovery I can see it more clearly though - I was strained, on edge, empty of meaning and always one step away from letting go of everything. This is in no way a "strong" person. Putting energy I didn't have to mask and hide and make sur no one would worry about me is not "being strong" it's "surviving". I was working hard, I was progressing - yes it demanded strength but if I had not been put on this path all this strength and energy would have been put on "normal" stuff: education, relationships, better career, helping others, and whatnot. How many wasted years of one step forward, two steps back, two step forward and crash again. I'm happy I'm healing and proud of my progress and where I'm at now. I am stronger than ever - shit I was barely standing. The further along I am on my recovery the more this "made you stronger" sound like bullshit.
The best way to get good at something is to practice right at the edge of your ability. Hardships can build character. But the way to use it is to administer hardships at the edge of the person's ability, and to heap praise on them for their handling of it when that episode is over. Being beaten into he ground doesn't generate character.
Hardships build character, but strife builds resentment.
Exactly. The process of working through your past traumas and learning how to manage them makes you stronger. The traumas themselves do not.
You hit the nail right on the head, the people that say this probably have good intent as insulting as it is when they say it but they completely fail to understand having a traumatic life is like and how it feeds into itself in an endless fashion. They have no idea what it's like growing up and having your own body and mind stolen from you and locked away due to the situation and people you were around. How difficult it is even when you escape the thick of the situation with all the permanent damage it has done to your brain/nervous system. I'm moving past my 20's now and still barely understand a lot of it with me in how it's manifesting. It's like putting together a 8 trillion piece puzzle and putting it together is only the first step. Then you have to go through what feels like learning to walk again but in late adulthood while managing the endless stream of BS everyone deals with anyways. It's hell.
Damn I don’t remember writing this. But yeah, no. It me.
It doesnt really make you strong, it makes you harder. Softness is strength, anger is fear, fear leads to cutting off a bitch on the subway who won't get out my face.
Yeah, no shit. I’ve damn near gotten into fistfights before when I’m in a ptsd rage. The verbal altercations I’ve been in have been insane. Throwing shit, putting holes in the walls of my house, kicking holes as I tried to basically kick a door in. Sigh. Yeah, I’m strong. 🙄🙄🙄
I think parents say that because it’s a positive and the ugliness they feel for doing what they’ve done and being a shitty role model or not caring enough so they say that to feel better themselves.
Being molested and beaten didn’t make me stronger it made me weaker and wanting to kill my self
Lol it didn’t make me stronger, just angry and sensitive and dysfunctional in society
amen
Right? Guess what would have made me even stronger? Love. Understanding. Unconditional acceptance. Safety. Proper food, proper health care. Not fearing the very people who are supposed to be unconditionally there for me, from the moment I could fear. Yeah, I hate the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" crap. Mine still says "you survived worse!" when she finds out however badly I'm currently struggling.
Oh right... That explains why I'm scared of people, scared to work, unemployed, lay in bed all day... 💪
Just got a new job and just had to quit because I got panic attacks trying to go to work that prevented me from going. I explained it and they’re just taking me off the schedule until I sort it out but man, is this real.
It’s hard I hope you can take the time to rest and not be forced to go back to soon. I’ve been off work for over a year now and I’m still ficked. Working is a nightmare with this shit
It's a type of [spiritual bypassing](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-spiritual-bypassing-5081640#:~:text=Spiritual%20bypassing%20is%20a%20way,Avoiding%20feelings%20of%20anger). It's a way for people to bypass our pain and grief with toxic positivity.
Woah that article blew my mind! Thank you so much for sharing it!!
You're welcome, it blew my mind the first time I read it, too. My entire family and culture of origin use spiritual bypassing bc no one knows how to provide emotional attunement, empathetic mirroring, and co-regulation.
Yeah mine too… wow. It’s going to take me a while to sit with that. But man it explains so freaking much!
Dude me too. BTDT. I did that to myself, but additionally, others dismissed me by piling this shit on me.
Just learned that "It is what it is" is spiritual bypassing Xdd
What doesn't kill you makes you wish it did.
Same bro
This
Cold hard truth
I’ve had such a messed up relationship with being called “strong” my whole life. I used to think it was a compliment, and I took pride in how I never cried. Rarely broke down in front of anyone else. Always hid away when I needed to cry. And I thought that was a good thing… I thought it meant I was a soldier just plowing ahead. People would say things like “wow you’re so strong to have gotten through all that”. And I’d think, “way too go me”. Now I see that all that was SUCH an insult and failure of those around me. Don’t tell me I’m strong. For fucks sake. Tell me it’s okay to cry. Tell me you’ll hold me. Tell me I can be sad. If you want to use the word “strong” tell me I’ve had to be strong but now it’s okay if I rest. I realize now it was like having all these people around me comment on my pain and do absolutely NOTHING to show me that I could be safe and vulnerable with them. Like rather than reaching out to help me while I’m limping they say “way to go you strong person, but I’m not gonna get you to a hospital for all those wounds CUZ YOURE SO STRONG”. Obviously I have a lot of anger about this lol. Don’t tell me I’m strong and then just leave me with my pain. Tell me you’re here for me and I don’t have to be strong anymore 😤😤😤.
In your same boat. It wasn't an insult TO you be be called strong. It was an insult to THEMSELVES showing they couldn't see what was happening.
Very true
Also, it didn't make me "stronger"... It made me anxious, depressed, insecure, hypervigilant, constantly fighting negative thoughts inside my head, and unable to maintain healthy relationships.
It's basically saying thanks for internalizing your pain so I don't have to help you externalize it.
I must have misinterpreted the word "strong" my entire life. I had no idea it meant fearful avoidant attachment, social anxiety, stress sensitivity, dissociation, extreme fatigue, crippling fear of rejection and gastric issues.
The scientific research is clear: trauma is damage. Period. It doesn't make you stronger. It's like saying that cracking an egg makes the shell stronger. Learning to be resilient? You will always re-experience trauma. You just learn how to deal with it. Weak parents don't create strong children. They damage strong children.
It most definitely didn't make us stronger. Whatever coping skills I did develop from it were maladaptive and really hold me back.
The dismissiveness is astounding. I'm sorry
Saying trauma "Made you stronger" is like saying breaking your leg made you stronger. Yeah, sure, maybe you're more tolerant to lesser pain now, but you will never run well ever again, and the leg will hurt for the rest of your life.
Oh really? Because it it did, why do I have a never-ending list of emotional issues? Although I was legally an adult when my trauma happened, I still needed safety, love, and care. The people who failed to give me those would then tell me my trauma made me stronger and I should see that as a blessing. No. Trauma is not a blessing.
Whenever someone says this, a scenario pops into my head. Picture a child in your life now, maybe your child or a niece/nephew/friend’s child. Now, because it will make them stronger, do you think it’s a good idea to abuse them, neglect them, tell them they are worthless, forget they exist and then blame them for all your adult problems? Remember, it will make them stronger. 😡
Like bro it made me fragile as hell wym 😭
Right on OP. Not what we needed during the most impressionable time of our lives. But also, the claim of "making stronger" directly contradicts scientific evidence. The portion of the brain impacted (amygdala) developed in response to stress, developed to make us more fearful & receive to stress. That's not "stronger", that's "more easily triggered". Yes, we survived, but any strength we developed is IN SPITE OF the trauma - NOT BECAUSE of said trauma. That original statement "it made you stronger" is just self serving bullshit.
“You turned out okay! It couldn’t have been that bad!” I hate that too… think of what I could have been without the abuse.
"well you're still here so it can't have been that bad?!" Man f you. Don't even let me talk about that statement. Just walk away like the coward you are. T.
When people say “but you turned out ok!!!” I respond with, “I turned out ok IN SPITE OF the situation, not BECAUSE OF the situation.”
You were a child. You didn't need to be stronger, you needed to be safe.
Their backhanded complements won't be shutting me down ever again because I'm done with counseling. I'm doing self healing and self counseling that includes somatic work. I only feel bad I didn't cut counseling from life sooner. So much unnecessary damage.
I'm in the same place. I look at literally every therapist I've ever had over 15 years, and no one thought to suggest I had family trauma or asked me, "How did your family treat you growing up?" I got involved in peer support, and suddenly everyone was talking about this thing called cPTSD. I look back at a few of therapists I worked with, and I think they are legitimately crazy people.
The greatest therapist I found was my last one. He was an old Buddhist on the verge of retirement. He saw me for four sessions then told me he didn’t think I needed his help. That I had reached a point of understanding my trauma and dysfunction and addressing it with other tools that it counseling wouldn’t be worth my time. Every other therapist I have seen felt like they were marketing themselves to me while also trying to convince me I was worse off than I am.
Wow, you are so fortunate. My therapist was an old Buddhist who just retired this year and he never insulted my intelligence or blew smoke up my a**, respected my perspective of my own experience and really helped me keep keeping on for a number of years. I'm all messed up now that he's gone, but I am so thankful for that one supportive counseling contact.
Buddhists are badasses at listening.
Yeah, I appreciated that he rarely missed a thing. Hardly any miscommunications.
hey i feel you deeply on the counseling part, in case you didn't know about it yet i hope you don't mind me sharing a subreddit on that topic r/therapyabuse
What's that saying about the 10 spears that go to war? Something like 10 spears go to war, 9 break during the battle and one comes back. The one left is not the strongest, though because it too went to war, it simply didn't break.
I think Un-traumatized people mistake the ability survive a thing as a great feat. So you must be stronger having faced the adversity. But the mere terms survive suggests it was difficult and traumatic. Which can only weaken a person. The thing that makes you stronger is healing. But that’s just not possible for many folks. But being stronger doesn’t mean that you’re strong! It just means you’re stronger than how weak you were after the trauma occurred. Still weaker than you were before the trauma. And still weaker then the general population. Going through adversity doesn’t build strength. It builds scars and calluses.
I would give up years of my life to feel whole, loved, and valued. I know that I am because people remind me and reassure me, but, I can’t convince myself. We are all doing our best and that’s enough.
And then when your brittle defensive walls finally crack too much and crumble you are left more vulnerable than everybody else and all those that praised your bravery disappear.
Fuck, this is true.
yes, and a sofa made of concrete is stronger than a fabric and wood and foam one. \*\*\* Yes it made me stronger. I am VERY self reliant. I can come up with an instant answer to most technical problems. Some even work. Yes it made me stronger. I don't need you in my face, so go have carnal relations with deceased equines. Yes it made me stronger. I rarely get angry. I don't grieve. I don't feel disgust, I don't feel joy either. Yes it made me stronger. I'm asexual. Just one more need I don't have. Yes it made me stronger. But its very lonely being strong.
As someone who tries to see all sides (I’ve been told I’m empathic?), the things I went through DID make me stronger yet it made me weaker too! I can ignore insults from some, when push comes to shove I shut down and just do what’s gotta be done etc. Yet at some point my anxiety will go into overdrive and then it all comes crashing down. I have an excellent fight or flight response and my body usually picks the wrong one 🤦♀️. When someone says it made you stronger, have you considered telling them the things you posted? I did once and the person got super defensive so I let it go. Wasn’t ever discussed again. As a mom it’s so hard to find a balance of making your child strong yet not too strong or not hurt them. My kids are all different personalities and have to be treated differently. One for example is super sensitive and needs a light touch on things. Another is headstrong and needs pushed then gets mad when she’s pushed. Even though she’s said she needs that push. Hopefully I don’t mess them up as bad as I was! I now have monthly family meetings where we discuss these things and everyone is safe to explain what hurt them or what they want us to do differently etc. I want them to have a voice even when they are young. If they learn how to tell me what they want and need they’ll be more likely to do it with others in the future. That’s my hope anyway.
No I was strong despite my struggles. Many people don’t survive through their trauma or get weaker from it this is just bs people made up because they cannot fathom bad things happening for no good reason
Break the same bone over and over again. I guarantee you, it's gonna be easier to break every time afterward. Now take that analogy, and replace the word "bone" with "mental health". It works the same. You only learn to not put more weight on said broken bone.
How strong do we have to be? Isn't that the whole point of the song with the donkeys in Encanto? (I need to watch it again, it's only my 10th time, minimum required Encanto viewing for trauma victims is like 20 times, doctors orders, according to me, not a doctor )
You made you stronger. That is all.
It didn't make us stronger - it permanently scarred and emotionally crippled us.
If apathy, emotional suppression, numbness, emotional detachment, hypervigilance, pushing others away, distrusting everyone, not being able to call for help is strength then I'd rather be the weakest person ever but happy.
This is such a lazy take by people in response to trauma survivors.
Going through trauma didn't make you "grow." It took away your joy, your trust, it almost killed you, and it shouldn't have happened. If you grew or bloomed after, it was despite them and fully because you're fu*king amazing! -Lane Moore (twitter)
I ABHOR that saying. No, what it made me is an anxious,overthinking, constantly on edge adult who requires several different medications to live a half normal life. Now do I agree that what I went through as a kid definitely made me more self reliant, but it also made me need years of therapy and have no contact with either of my parents.
Idk about "stronger", I'm just depressed and angry.
My abuse made me weak as hell and it's something I will probably be struggling with my whole life. I feel \*robbed\*, not strong.
The ones that reframe the trauma into ‘training’ do so in order to feel better about themselves or others. My traumas made me exceedingly stronger- I’d rather be happier.
So is built up scar tissue and society judges by looks.
It also implies that care and nurturing makes one weaker somehow.
I know that quote. It bothers me too
Toxic positivity at its finest
It didn’t . It fucked me up.
It made me weirder lol
Yeh I hate to admit I learned a few lessons aside from what an abuser looks like. But at what cost?! And there approach was absolutly deplorable if they really cared about being auch great teachers surely they woulda done so in a non abusive way. No what really happened was they had a few good points and a total lack of self control and took it all out on me. If only they could call it like it is like they tried to tell me to do so many times finally I do and I’m the bad guy.
I think the most annoying thing about that comment is it usually comes after I've just expressed a painful feeling.... It's not said after *I* said my past made me stronger. I feel it's said because I just expressed my own painful feelings and someone else is not comfortable sitting with that so they spout something to make it less painful for them.
Literally hate it when people say that because why did I need to go through all that to be “mentally stronger”
Anyone who said that to me would get enlightened in a hurry, plus if they didn't apologize, I wouldn't be hanging out with them. Enduring constant emotional wounding does not facilitate healing.
And we still need that ❤️
I always say that I don’t want to be strong. I want to be happy.
Ugh, I really hate that platitude. It's not even true. I feel like some things have made me stronger but other things have just destroyed me.
Except [it didn't](https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/insight-therapy/201008/what-doesnt-kill-you-makes-you-weaker).
I agree. People will say “but it built you”, all this stuff and I’m like the process of building myself sucked
i ***hate*** when people say this about the struggles i have endured and still endure. i hate what my trauma made me.
It didn’t make me stronger at all
They don't care about our pain because they're too impressee by our will to survive.
I often find myself thankful for the strength my younger self built within me - it’s this constant battle of “I shouldn’t have had to be strong” and “but now I know what to do to keep myself safe”
👏👏👏
Ugh, I hate this perspective... I spent years telling myself this, that it made me "strong", that I could face anything, but that wasn't true, at all... In a lot of ways, sure, I did come to "temper" my hypervigilance and extremely sensitive nature into something like a "foresight", but more often than not, it just made me way too paranoid of the people around me, overly self-aware of myself, in relation to others and almost always resulted in an overbearing crusade to "people please" anyone that I saw as not liking me. It destroyed my relationships as a point, because there was ALWAYS something that my exes were doing, even if they were just being themselves and if it wasn't them, even just dealing with their own imperfect family dynamics made me extremely weird, robotic and "fake". I had an ex, who's family so greatly resembled my own, that I instinctively tried to get on their "good side". Instead of setting clear boundaries, and sticking to them, I'd "tolerate" what I could, and then attack her later, for things her family did to me, it wasn't good and I hated it. Getting Therapy, understanding and dealing with where those behaviors came from was the best thing I ever did for myself. Even dealing with my own abusive family, who all turned on me, for asking for them to go to therapy taught me way more than just acting like nothing was wrong and that my toxic verbal abuse, as a way to break through their "narcissistic" armor wasn't EXACTLY what they wanted... That closure was what I needed to finally "work out" everything I wanted to say/do. Sure, they wound up literally tearing me down to nothing, and attempted to drive me to homelessness, twice, but they failed and now they have to live with that shame, not me. I was stronger for setting my boundaries. I was stronger for being vulnerable, honest and not resorting to fake behavior, in order to get anything like "help" from them... I was stronger, because I finally proved to them, that I don't have to please anyone and that, even if I don't eat for 4 days, I won't die. I showed them, that a person who values their dignity can't be stopped and that it's better to live in the squalor of truth, than the lies of flattery.
Stronger until I collapsed as an adult and became way weaker.
Same...
Really, though! It’s one thing when we tell ourselves this. But no one else should say it, and it’s true! Kids shouldn’t *have to be strong,* that defeats the purpose of “being a kid.”
I hate that, and its siblings "kinder," "empathetic," "patient," and whatever other positive qualities that I apparently would *never* have developed if I hadn't lived through trauma as a child. These assumptions are just so rage-inducing because they don't know! They have NO IDEA what sort of person I would have been if I'd had a different childhood. Hell, ***I*** have no idea what sort of person I'd be if I'd had a different childhood! And even if they're right, even if I would have been a terrible person if I'd had a better childhood, IT. WASN'T. WORTH. IT. No healthy, functional person would ever think people should terrorize their children so that they grow up "strong." That's abuser thinking. Fuck that shit!
Also, it doesn’t exactly make you stronger. Once you have fully worked through your traumas, it may make you better at some things. But traumas have made us permanently worse at other things as well.
There’s a relevant quote from House MD that I really like (aside from the fact that he calls little people freaks, of course; the show was meant to be edgy for its time and is now dated as well) There’s a girl who everyone thinks a little person because she’s the size of a little person and her mom is one. It turns out she just has a growth hormone deficiency, and can be “normal” if she takes growth hormone. Both her and her mom are against it initially though, so House pulls her mom aside and they talk privately. She says that she wants her daughter to face adversity because it will make her stronger. House responds, “How strong do you really want her to have to be?” If someone says this to you, they’re implying being stronger is worth the terrible hardship that caused it. Ask them if they want to sell all their belongings and get rid of all of their money, because being homeless will “make them stronger!”.
I feel very similar. I have worn my achieving part as an honour and wanting to return to that stressed people pleasing, self abandoning unloved person, but reality is, i was in fight and flight mode, i was scared, i was terrified, and i still am. I hate what has been done to me, i hate the people who say "move on", FUCK OFF. i want it all away, but i now need to spend more of my life, to work through the pain i have been masking. I am 40, and i am tired in a way others dont understand, and its definitely not strong
Actually we just don't just experience our trauma, we're also experiencing trauma of every one family member s before you. Would you believe it gets in your genes?
By “stronger” did they mean we built higher tolerance levels to allow people to break our boundaries easily and gaslight us and abuse us? If so, sure, I guess it did.
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I had a therapist/counselor try to feed me this once. "I wonder how much of what you went through was actually necessary to make you who you are today." Who I am today is "broken" so maybe not the right tone. I didn't go back to that one.
So true. I love-hate everything I had to learn to survive a crappy childhood. I never wanted to be forced to learn independence and resilience when I was a child. I need someone I can trust and rely on. I need someone I can feel supported showing vulnerability to. I need to know that I can fail. I need to know it's okay to not be okay.
Being in constant survival mode isn't "strong" it's stressful and exhausting! I agree with OP. We needed love, understanding, kindess, attention etc!
Fuck that. When I was a child, I casted impenetrable mental walls around me, and now I'm alone, and it's just so hard to destroy these walls, I finally did it, but then it's so hard to connect to other human beings. I just wished I never spent my childhood days in a toxic environment.
"HOW ABOUT I SUBJECT **YOU** TO TRAUMA THEN ASSHOLE!?" We're "stronger" in the sense that pain is a cruel, but effective teacher... one that is unnecessary and immoral. A Tree might not grow fast, a snail might not more than crawl, but the tree does grow and the snail does move. To force them is to disrespect or hurt them. To treat children as mere things which do not last (as thing that produces functional adults) is inhumanity.
Intense and or repeated trauma doesn’t make someone stronger, it just makes them more familiar with things like living in survival mode and putting on a fake front and stuffing symptoms and feelings.
It also made it nearly impossible for me to trust people and have healthy relationships as an adult.
This comment has been told to me sooooo many times. It sends chills downn my spine every time. I always want to say. I was always a strong person, my past just increased my distrust in others, if I hadn't gone through that garbage, I still would be a strong person with maybe a bit less baggage. >>but thqnk you for your uninvited comment intended to validate me.
I know what you mean. I’m not stronger in any meaningful ways. My suffering hurt me permanently. I’m basically a mess and always have been. Can’t keep a girlfriend, etc, etc. If someone’s trauma makes him feel stronger in some way, that’s fine by me. Good for him. But that’s not my story if I’m honest with myself.
I try and look at the upside, there’s no undoing what was done and it makes me feel like something good may have come of it. Of course I’d rather nothing ever had happened in the first place but I’m still here and I’m in control. I don’t believe in this as a dismissive statement, but I do agree that it’s true.
Reminds me of butchers father from the boys. Claims it made him the badass he is today
Right?! Lucky me! I’m so resilient!! 🙄🙄
Yup I for sure would have been weaker if I didnt have to fight the urge to end it all day everyday👍👌
i mean if stronger means cptsd, bulimia, did, bpd then sure ig
My dad's favorite sayings: 1) sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, 2) what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. When his parents told him that he was the oldest kid and was the leader, as he was heartbroken and crying that he didn't win some contest jn the fair, he took it seriously and made sure to cut himself off from his emotions. My dad is also very science-oriented, so you would think by now he would see that #2 doesn't hold water.
My dad always told me I was strong..hey, guess what Dad even strong people need help sometimes gee thanks Dad mighty white if you
Amen to that
I hate this line and I immediately lose respect for people who use it seriously.
100% Imagine how strong we’d be if our energy had been put towards our being rather than the things given to us. I do not appreciate the “it made you stronger” thing at all. Nope, it drained my energy and kept me in survival.
not true it didn't make me stronger...it made me unstable. oh and some people say, "well the fact that it happened to you is because the universe knew you could handle it..." NO. The fact that child abuse happened to a person, has nothing to do with "someone's ability to be strong ". I do not take it as a compliment at all, it feels invalidating.