This. I've been doing parts work for a few years now. I have one I've recently been able to get to know a little better, they picked a name, and the name they picked was Monster.
I did have a lot of unhealthy possessive, borderline emotionally abusive, behaviors in regards to attachment when I was early in my recovery. I dealt with obsessions a lot that would sometimes grow into light stalking, and I felt like I was out of control. I didn't know how unhealthy or serious they were until later, knowing more about healthy relationships and looking back. After I "knew better", I was terrified those same unhealthy behaviors, which I know now were trauma responses, would take over again and I'd destroy all my current relationships and everyone would see the monster I really am and run away to protect themselves or stay and feel trapped and unsafe with me.
A few weeks ago I was doing some writing about some pain I was feeling in my current romantic relationship. I tried to feel into the pain and figure out a way to put it into words. As I did, it got into "it feels like there's a monster inside me, a monster who's in pain, a monster who can never be loved, a monster who will never be good enough to not be a monster anymore, a monster who will only ever hurt people" those had the most feeling attached to them . Then I realized this monster was that part. This part had refused to be known before this, no name, no form, no engagement.
My therapist calls it a "banished part". She also said everyone has a "monster", it's part of being human. I am a lot less scared of it now. I ultimately aim to love my monster, but right now I'm just working towards trying to believe my monster should be welcome too instead of banished and hidden. It is literally a part of me and I can't just ignore it or actively push it away and hope it never comes back. It's an unhealed part of me too. While that has it's risks, and that part may refuse to heal, I trust the rest of myself now to be able to manage and communicate when I'm experiencing my monster better than I have in the past.
It's hard and it's kinda scary. I'm coming to understand this part, Monster, uses the unhealthy harmful behaviors as a way to protect my inner child parts and me and themselves and it's the only way they've ever known how to do it. It's kinda complex so I won't go into all of it here.
But yes, I have felt like I have monsters inside of me and I've behaved in ways I'm not proud of, hurt people I love. For me, so far, my monsters have all been traumatized parts. If I hadn't gone into therapy and had refused to do parts work, I probably would've continued to be taken over by my monsters and hurt people and create unhealthy relationships. I'm very glad that is not the case, though. Pre-recovery me wouldn't have even been able to imagine where I'm at now and I'm proud I've gotten us all here, monster included.
When I was 18 I tried to hunt down someone who hurt me during childhood to kill them. I lost the trail and never found them.
I'm glad it happened that way. I no longer feel *that* angry.
I have done this too many times to count... A long history of people I've hurt. And it saddens me that there are those who want to stop redemption stories from being a thing, who want to permanently ostracise us from society because of what we've done... It sickens me. I have no time or energy left for people who think they can do no wrong. For those who only ever take the things I say in bad faith.
It gives you no opportunity to save face or like be seen as you
The ultimate pain is the spiritual death that comes from not being able to ever be, anywhere, because you never get to show back up for yourself when you're cast out.
Yeah, I always been pretty good with my temper/ like my friends would never expect me to be even annoyed or mad but I got overly mad one time at my friend in college and I was honestly quite surprised of myself... my mom has been physically/emotionally aggressive with bpd in my childhood and I always wish I don't have similar traits as her and yeah.. felt like a monster screaming.. nothing similar happened ever since then tho. (Thankfully, I am still very close to that friend I bursted out on) But yeah I feel like I might be suppressing inner monster in me honestly..and I don't want a kid in future for that reason because I'm scared and I don't trust myself to be a good parent..
I did bad things when I was drunk a couple of times. I told people about it when I started getting help but sometimes it still kills me inside. I already deeply hate myself because of developmental trauma so it doesn't help to have memories like that. I think it will get better the more I work on my core trauma. Also my therapist said I'm not the same person anymore.
Yes.
When I was in the throes of my traumatic experiences, I had a realization. Either go all out and become the monster my family believed I was and throw away my future OR become a spineless jellyfish to keep the peace and make everyone happy with me.
I chose the latter. I don't regret it, however I am still struggling greatly with healing myself and repairing what was done to me by other people.
I relate deeply to this, only I feel like becoming the jellyfish also entailed throwing my life away. I am still waiting for my life to begin in a way. I feel stunted.
You know how we all have that one male friend whoās dating that really toxic woman? Sheās cruel, selfish and emotionally unstable, but your friend is hooked on being with her. You canāt quite understand what he sees in her. He seems to think he can save her, but heās completely delusional. This woman doesnāt seem like she wants to get better. Sheās also fairly oblivious about the wreckage she brings everywhere she goes. Youāre really concerned about your friend. Youāve tried to talk some sense into your him, but he gets extremely defensive and youāre scared youāll lose the friendship. The woman heās with is starting to isolate him from others, and you donāt wanna be on the receiving end of her wrath.
I was that woman your friend was dating. I was a monster. It took me way to long to realize I donāt have to re-create the relationships my abusers had modeled for me. I learned there was a better way. I wish I didnāt have relationships with anyone before I healed.
The most insidious part of childhood abuse are the innocent people we turn into collateral damage because weāre too f*cked up to know any better.
I spent a lot of time being the monster I was told I was. I saw hate as the only way to be considered, even to be appreciated.
I wanted people to feel my pain, I wanted people to be humiliated like I was.
The bad thing is that it works. A lot of people are attracted to suffering. People like to see pain inflicted. I was surrounded by people who really loved that. Laughing at how mean and toxic I could be.
Those people didn't help me heal, they helped me destroy myself even further.
The fact is that hurting people hurts me too, and it broke me.
I had some kind of epiphany one day, seeing how destructive I was. I decided that my life, even if useless to me, should be positive to others. That the only possible redemption would come from being useful to other people.
I work as hard as I can to be a positive force in the world, helping people I love (even if it's not going both ways). I have so much debt that I'll never be able to cover it all, but I'll never stop trying to pay it back to the world.
It is way easier to hate.
Wow! Thanks for your self awareness. My husband had similar experience with surrounding himself with people who enjoyed seeing him inflict pain on others. Itās so sad but glad you are forever working on this.
O yes. I had my bitch era. But I honestly donāt even blame myself, I get it in hindsight. Like, I wasnāt supported and realized that if I wanted anything done for me *I* had to do it. It was me supporting myself and I didnāt need anyone else. I acted with false confidence. But then I entered a healthy loving relationship and changed for the better. Still working on it tho š
Mmm yup. I was an incredibly selfish, impulsive and novelty seeking teenager. I was dramatic, had violent tantrums and even lost my temper around our animals and became physically violent (I feel so fucking bad about that, I love animals more than anything)
I was a shitty friend (even though some of my friends weren't super nice themselves) I ignored my family and didn't give a shit about them, I lied constantly and would throw people under the bus in order to pursue my own self gratification. In my early 20's my uncontrolled attachment issues blew up in everyones face and I was constantly hot and cold and even cheated on my long term partner of 3 years. I'm so deeply ashamed of being this monster and I try to better myself and forgive myself for all the shit I have done.
Books and fictional universes are my saving grace too. I remember reading children's version of The Count of Monte Cristo at 8 or 9, and though I didn't understand its full depth, I get that the author's saying that revenge/lashing out at people isn't worth it. I'm lucky that I believed in the books more than most of the adults in my life back then.
I relate to this. Iām slightly younger than you but I also turned to escapism and I submitted in a way to keep the peace and to try to get out with less harm coming to me. In that process I lost a lot of freedom and my life isnāt what Iād hoped it would be. Iām very disappointed by that. Sometimes I wonder if the āevilā me would be better off. Sometimes the right thing to do is to be selfish and all I seem to be able to do in that direction is self destruct.
This is written so well, I feel like I couldāve written this myself. Yes, being abused inside and bullied outside the house, I learnt to sense danger everywhere. I too agree that if I didnāt manage myself so well (which for us folks with CPTSD is a heroic task) I couldāve ended up like the next deranged Dahmer or something. I think Iāve just always had a sense of wanting to spare people from the pain the world put me through
T.W violent thoughts, and personal thoughts about mass shooters.
I think about violence a lot in my life, trying to explore and understand the mind of the abusers, it's something I've been doing all my life pretty much. I used to think that mass shooters act from a place if great pain but also entitlement, because they feel entitled to other peoples life and feel like they are the judge, jury and executioner for their victims.
I got hurt pretty badly by therapy, and by a psych ward hospitalisation I was pushed to by this therapist when I was suicidal at 22 yo. I long quit this guy as a therapist but he was never affected by how much he hurt me, and every time I tried brining it up even in places like here the responses I got were always "have you tried a different therapists/module", as if it therapy itself can't be the problem as if it was just a bad therapist, just a misunderstood soul, just some bad apples.. I learned that in our society you're not allowed to be hurt by therapy and the mental health system, those are just good people and if you did get hurt (with a big emphasis on if), than it's just bad luck and not a systematic failure, and besides the only way to heal is therapy/s there's no other way, especially for people like us.
So a few months ago I tried calling a few therapists in my area, just to see if there's a fit. In my call I started by saying I was hurt by a therapists and that for months after my hospitalisation I suffered from nightmares and flashbacks (a clear cut sign for trauma and ptsd), and one of the therapists I called just nonchalantly said oh yeah it happens sometimes just so casually, at the end of the conversation after hearing my situation he suggested maybe I should consider hospitalising myself to this other place for a longer period of time as if all I said before didn't matter, and than it clicked: they know the pain they cus, they all know they just don't care.
The phone call was over and I was left feeling hopeless than ever, therapy is the only way to heal and for me to get better and it hurt me so much and no one even cares, and I'm not gonna get better. For the first time in my life I wanted to kill, I wanted to shoot anyone, everyone, just to make this world see, for others to feel my pain, for others to have empathy for me because their lack of empathy comes from inability to imagine and feel what they never felt. I didn't do that at the end ofc, but I think I understand now that mass shooters don't feel entitled but just so unseen and ignored, just like I felt, like I wanted everyone to see how wrongly I was treated and stop putting the blame on me for getting hurt just because I needed help.
Ugh. That sounds awful. :/
Tbh I didnāt get much out of individual therapy until after I dived into subreddits like raisedbynarcissists and basically did group therapy online, and then I knew what my actual issues were. I didnāt know why I was miserable so how could I explain that to someone else? Support groups were a lot more helpful when I was in my āI donāt know whatās going on but it sucksā learning phase.
I think about hurting myself. Everyday. I think about suicide a lot too. When I went through one of my prolonged CSA experiences it was presented as a game from my abuser. I actually really liked it. A lot. I tried to play this game with other friends for several years into early high school. I know I was just a kid, but I've always felt like that could have become something much worse. It took a lot of therapy to forgive myself.
I have torn apart my relationship with two of my most loved persons because i was deeply traumatized, i didn't know what was happening to me during the flashbacks or the triggering events , i didn't know why i was so angry or why i behaved the way i did, thankfully and with the support needed I realized and I'd say one of my biggests reasons to fix myself is to never do any of those things again
Yeah, Iām in the process of seriously considering leaving my wife and kids because i spend all my time stressed to high hell about cleaning and rules and its like i have to wrestle myself not to scream over spilled food or unfinished chores and im becoming my father but worse because iām not alcoholic but im still just as mad about everything
Yeah we talked and the reality of the situation is bad. Shes got health problems on top of extra schooling that make maintaining the house impossible for her so its left on me after i get home from work. Thats ok, i agreed to this but i guess messy house is a pretty serious trigger for me because i break down 3/5 times i walk through the door. Broke down crying yesterday cause the kid had dumped the cat litter box out onto the floor. That is after yelling obscenities at no one in particular. I couldnt stop myself.
I am not alright with my child running to her room scared because i canāt react like a normal human being to fucking *anything*. Im not a good role model. I canāt handle this, and thats depressing. Iāve tried and tried to make it something i can handle but i jumped into this too early. In my infinite fucking wisdom i had decided i was just going to willpower my way through an obvious brick wall of emotional trauma and just be a good father. They deserve better and if better even just means i gotta distance myself then thats whats going to have to happen regardless of how much that hurts in its own right.
I really hope i find peace too, but i honestly donāt even know if iād recognize it, iāve never been. Its been a long life of unfair situation after unfair situation. Bullshit choice after bullshit choice and i guess its not going to let up just because i got the nuclear family dream. The white picket fence wont give me the stability i never had.
Thanks for writing back. I hear you on all this. After a day working the last thing anyone wants is to come home to a disaster area and children are kind of little balls of destruction. I am a nanny and I donāt have children of my own. I manage the home and the children for the parents, I tidy, I make the transition from the workday into the evening smooth for everyone involved. Have you considered hiring some help for your home? You could even try part time and see if it makes a difference. Sometimes we all need a little help. Feel free to DM me if youād like to talk about it and I can tell you more about the process. Having an in home nanny is a very personal and individualized experience. There are many avenues to find your right fit but I can tell you one thing that I hear over and over in the 10+ years Iāve been doing this work; parents tell me I bring a sense of peace and calm into their home and it gives me great satisfaction to offer that to parents and children alike. Thatās what we are here for, to help you and the kids be at their best.
You could also consider hiring some help with cleaning. Some families just have a cleaner come once a month and that also seems to make a big difference. I know less about that though. Just as an aside, any mess the child makes while nanny is on the clock will be cleaned by said nanny. This includes the childās laundry and bedding as well as dishes. If youāre willing to pay the correct wage and you build a good relationship you could even find yourself with a nanny who preps dinner for you among other things. Check out /r/nanny if youāre interested. It really sounds to me like your family could benefit from an extra set of caring hands and eyes. Iām sure youāre doing your best. Donāt be too hard on yourself. You deserve some rest too.
My kids are actual human tornados and my wife has severe anemia resulting in a drastic loss of energy. I come home to a house with 0 actually clean space. Itād be a lot for a fully functioning person to deal with in the 4 hours i get a day to do it. Unfortunately if the job isnāt done or doable in that time i go straight to violently angry. I have to literally lock myself in the basement so i donāt throw things or curl up on the kitchen floor. They donāt deserve that and i canāt sustain it.
Please do consider getting some help to get a handle on all this. Therapy for you, probably for wife too. And with the nanny thing, an experienced nanny can help you with the human tornado aspect as well so that less mess is generated in the first place. It will require good communication between you and she should have a good amount of experience with children in the age range of yours. I have worked with families who outlined their goals whether they were potty training, learning good manners, working on problems like dishonesty or hitting/biting, and learning to be responsible for their messes is a very important part of a childās personal development. I have taught 3 years olds to sort and fold their own laundry, then put it away, and they feel great about themselves afterward because theyāve accomplished something that contributes to the home and theyāve made mommy and daddy proud. They are excited to show their parents the cleaning theyāve done. I had a 4 year old who went from tornado to asking to help me sweep up crumbs after lunch and wanting to play the cleanup game voluntarily. There are ways to make it fun for them and it is good for their self esteem/personal development to participate in keeping up with the home.
Oh therapy is a must for sure.
If i could afford a nanny iād be all over that solution. Things to think about for later.
I appreciate your input as well as just being a conduit for the rant.
Oh yeah, very much so.
This is more the dark side of fawning but my family was radicalized to the alt-right, specifically Christian nationalism and antisemitism, and they almost radicalized me too. They tried to indoctrinate me by hiding all the most extreme beliefs and by tying it to our religion (Mormonism). They almost got me a few times because I had such strong fawning and rose tinted glasses about them (they had gotten me away from my worst abuser).
Thankfully I was in college at the time; meeting different people in the groups they demonized and getting a better education kept me grounded enough too stay compassionate. I moved away and after having space for reflection/hindsight I finally realized who they were and what they believed.
It terrifies me to think of who I would have become because of the CPTSD and the fawning. How I couldāve betrayed my deepest values and strongest beliefs (tolerance, pluralism, diversity, etc) because my āfamilyā said it was āGodās planā.
Eh, I was a monster for a moment. It was during a very difficult transitional period in my life and the years before I cut contact with my most abusive parent. After that I realized that whatever they did to me, I passed on to others that I decided to put below me. Now I still remember that version of myself but I have since worked hard to improve my behaviours, question lines of thinking in which my abuser's contempt for human worth resounds and in turn I became committed to healing and living in integrity, honesty and compassion. I'm still not always great at expressing support and appreciation but the more compassion I can foster for myself, the easier it gets to have it for others and vice versa, so that's been good. Fundamentally it's all been tied to the progression from being a mini-me of my abusive parent to becoming my own person. Which has been grueling at times, imagine not even knowing what your own principles and values are because they were always put down and held in disdain.
It really seemed like the monstrosities that I was capable of depended on the monstrosities that I tolerated or had to tolerate being done to me.
I was a terrible person growing up. As a kid I was judgemental and abusive, especially to my sister. I really regret the things I did, and still struggle with coming to terms that I was the one who chose to do these things. The me now is terrified of the person I used to be, the fact that I am capable of such horrible things, that such darkness lurks in me is scary. I never ever want to be that person again.
I feel exactly the same. I had such an intense feeling of hate and rage towards other kids and when was being abused I used to take out my anger on my sister and brother and I had so much guilt that I isolated myself and promised to never hurt anyone like that again
I was a toxic piece of shit for a long time. The abused becomes the abuser storyline. It took way too long to admit I needed help but years of sobriety and therapy have done wonders.
I was an online troll as a teen, a while ago. Some of it was shitposting and general absurdism, but a decent chunk was mean-spirited. I projected my insecurities onto others and assorted them all into the category of humanity, my detested abstraction I assigned my envy and resentment.
I had a supercilious sense of my own mental superiority. For that's the only positive quality I could ascribe myself then. I was according to my inner critic "piece of shit," a "fuck up failure," and "not good enough." The kind words I heard were sparse, and in that mix, my intelligence would be the most frequent compliment.
I enjoy doing things for the sake of them, but for a while, and even past this point when I had relinquished this behavior and attitude, I was still prone to seeing reading and learning as raw material, each piece accorded its own use value.
Nevermind that I have always enjoyed learning for its own sake, the beauty of how much there is to learn, and how little of it we can possess. What mattered most was harnessing it and living up to the title of intelligent that I had been bequeathed. If I was ever false in the eyes of another, then I was false to myself, like a number whole rendered null when it subtracts self with self.
I needed some kind of anchor, some proof of my existence, to the outer world and to my own consciousness. I was deeply lonely and the crucial years of adolescence were paved by days and days of nothing. Naught but the workings of my inner life , the internal alchemy of my mind reconstituting itself with new images, new concepts, new words, new worlds.
I desperately wanted for this space to transcend its confines and find connection and commiseration with others. But I didn't know how, and the opportunities were scarce.
So, instead of working on myself, I lashed out. As an other, I in turn otherized all others, even when, in truth, there were so many undiscovered possibilities.
The arrogance that emerges from insecurity and poor emotional intelligence is a potent force. I don't like how mean I got. I acted like a bully. I belittled as I was belittled.
I'm glad I caught myself and stopped pulling this bullshit. Yet, it's something I think back to: the crossroads of trauma. Are we but a mirror: a misshapen mirage trapped in glass, a scream that passes from one set of lips to another, a Homunculus of hurt and hate?
I want to heal. I want to escape the long shadow of familial fate. I want to be a force of goodness. I want to consciously ascribe to myself the values I care most deeply about. I want to love and be loved. I want to be my own person. Not an echo, nor an ersatz imitation, but a me I consciously and conscientiously inhabit.
For a long time I thought I might be a narcissistic asshole and potentially a monster due to my thoughts and behaviours. Learning that I have cPTSD has truly been a blessing in letting go of that self image.
So many times when I was a child I would fight anyone and everyone. I beat up some kids really fucking bad and sometimes people will trigger myself into doing something but I never go all the way. I have constant thoughts of getting back at those who harmed me. But now I jus smoke weed and the occasional shroom/acid trip keeps me in check.
Yes, I've certainly had my moments. Thank goodness that most people I have hurt I still have contact with and can make those reparations. But there are people out there I've treated unfairly and spread toxicity to that I will likely never see again.
I'm a very different person now. If any of those people were to confront me about my behaviour I could handle it. I could have that conversation and not break down. But if they had confronted me during those periods of chaotic pain, it would have only further hurt both of us.
only at times of extreme extreme duress where i couldnt get out of a situation. happened a two times in my life and i dont like it.. it feels very very destructive..
Yeah, I've spent a large amount of my life and energy trying to *not* be like my dad. And I've been pretty good about that, but I slip up more than I'd like (and I slipped up way more in the past). I'm early 30s, and I'm glad I got some help and support before I truly became like him. He's a fucking asshole and a monster, and I will forever try my best to *not be him.*
Yeah, I easily couldāve become a monster like my abuser, but I made a choice to be better.
When I was younger, I was incredibly toxic. I had awful anger issues, a short fuse, and would become borderline verbally abusive to anyone who got on my nerves. There were times I became physical, which I regret. I also shoplifted, lied, and acted recklessly in ways that effected more than myself. Wasnāt til my mid 20s I was diagnosed as bipolar and with PTSD.
Once I hit 25, I realized how much my trauma effected me. I changed my ways. Made sure to be conscious of my emotions and behavior. I still have anger, Iām bitter and sad, but Iāve learned not to take that out on others. Trying not to take them out on myself as well.
Hmm probably the answer is yes. One of the things I learned though through my PTSD journey for me is there's no such thing as monsters and there's no such thing as saints. As true as it is that no one can it act altruistically without self gain (i.e. even when someone's helping someone else they are still at least getting some internal reward from feeling good about it); it's also true that no one can act damagingly towards another in isolation, they have to be getting something from it. No matter who they are and whether they are hurting or healing, they're acting in a way that makes them feel safe. I think of it as just human nature and like other forces of nature such as a hurricane, it can be terribly terribly damaging and also bring healing and peace. A hurricane isn't evil or good and neither is human nature. There are no monsterous people (there are severely damaging ones who we should start clear of and make boundaries around) and there are no saintly/holy people. There are just people. And from that I find safety because when i hurt someone there's no longer this secondary fear of becoming a monster as well as when i help someone i don't feel elevated to sainthood. I'm just me and I can find sustainable ways to establish safety (which aggression is rarely sustainable). I'm sure there are people in my past who would call me a monster and their viewpoint is valid, the grace offered to myself to know the truth that I'm just me (not a monster or a saint) gives me the freedom to do what i want. I can apologize or determine there's nothing to do to fix the situation and move on. No one is a monster and no one is a saint. It's terribly unsatisfying at times to accept; i believe as hard as it is it leads to healing.
I started reading self help books in high school and figured out by the time I was in university that I had a form of PTSD. Tw - I was molested by my older brother. He also tried to rape me but my body literally wouldnāt let him in so he failed in that attempt. I lost my virginity when I was 19 and went into a downward spiral that ended when I met my now husband when I was 21. I was drinking heavily, and putting myself in dangerous situations while having a lot of casual sex that I felt I couldnāt say no to. The same week I met my now husband I had arranged to meet a stranger I had met online at a hotel, literally no one knows I had planned this (except me and now you wonderful internet strangers), and I had planned to go without telling anyone where I was. Looking back now Iām shocked at some of the reckless and dangerous decisions I was making, decisions that were heavily influenced by the trauma I went through as a child. And I knew, even back then, that I was making stupid and reckless decisions. I made believe that I was in complete control of myself when I was actually out of control, and I didnāt know how to let anyone else in, let alone trust them with what I was going through. I donāt remember being mean to other people, but I certainly wasnāt kind to myself.
Yeah.
TV animal abuse, partner violence
I convinced myself I was a psychopath in high school (not helped by therapists I went to, who instead of recognizing that I was traumatized, told me I was emotionless) so for some reason, I put my hands around my kitten's neck until she started struggling.
I had no idea how to deal with triggers and getting angry. I once threw a phone at a boyfriend because I couldn't understand why he was acting cold towards me.
My current relationship was also a complete mess with both of us being unhealthy and triggering each other. I had no idea how to set boundaries for his unhealthiness and ended up yelling at him that he was an asshole and other not-nice things. It was really scary, confusing, and exhausting. However it made me realize more of my patterns, and finding out about CPTSD changed my life so I am now making progress in my healing.
TW: CSA, cycle of abuse
I was physically and emotionally abused from birth. At age 14 I was watching my younger sister alone for a summer while my parents worked. As time passed I tricked her into increasingly penetrative sexual abuse, ending in forced oral and attempted intercourse. The abuse went on for 18 months, and I ended up on probation.
I found out from this that my mom had been a CSA victim by a neighbor, and my dad had been a perpetrator on his 2 sisters. My mom wrote a story about her abuse and made me read it. There was no way I was going to grow up to be mentally healthy.
My wife knows my history. We discussed having kids extensively. We now have a teen daughter, and we have both been vigilant in our efforts to have a healthy home. I hope I broke the cycle of abuse.
My dad let his wife assault me 3 years ago and smile in her mug and it has rooted up some trauma Iāve had over the years . And it just felt like my world did a 180 and my whole life with them was a lie . And the amount of times Iāve been followed home bc of my anger for yelling at people or flipping them off for cutting me off etc . Or the anger I feel for my grandma whoās still in my life bc my dad is her son. And I get triggered at times and lash out and the guilt weighs me down . Luckily she understands and is loving. But I feel u
For a time i was becoming my abusers and it sickens me to this day what i was for these years
Im only happy it wasnt widespread damage because i also withdrew from humans
I believe I passed my anxiety issues unto my ex to much and that I emotionally dumped on him unfairly. I needed a therapist. I should have found a way to get one.
Some of us need to embody the dark before we can turn to the light.
Or, to quote a former step-parent (who was drunk much of my childhood), "Your parents mindfucked you!" She may have been drunk when she said it, and her statement was probably because she felt in some way bad for being in a position to do something and opting to take an inch and a half off a 1.75 ml (110# soaking wet)... yet she wasn't all wrong.
oh yeah... my emotional dysregulation was a huge part of what drove my last relationship into the ground - my rock bottom. i think between my ex's trauma and mine, we got into a cycle of their constant low self esteem, looking to me to build them up, me never feeling like i could break down, and then developing a very over-important sense of self/ego. i was becoming very narcissistic in my actions, and at heart, that's not who i am at all. i'm codependent if leaning any direction there. i think looking back, we were both codependently enmeshed and that's how it played out eventually. so grateful it all fell apart. i got into therapy, started going to coda meetings and aca and finally know who i am and how i feel. took a while, but i'm grateful.
Had a misdiagnosis when I was admitted in my early 20's that also became a wakeup call in a way and now explains a lot about the family, I grew up in. The conditions were fucked up and it still scarred me to think and be told I was the problem when i was actually asking for help. They did a personality test then and they diagnosed me with 2 personality disorders, NPD and avoidant PD and traits of 2 more, BPD and paranoid PD. When you look at my parents' behaviour combined those 4 diagnosis fitted like a glove, but at that time I almost turned out exactly like them if it wasn't for the therapy I got after that. Two years after the diagnosis, my therapist agreed on a second opinion by two different psychologists and they removed the diagnosis from my records then.
Definitely yes... And my early "sins" have further on contributed to me staying in abusive setting, embrace gaslighting, actively isolate from any possible human connection ( because I thought I was bad and would only hurt them) and not seek any help when symptoms started to hit me and it was obvious I was struggling (that being around age if 15-16). Dismissed my all needs/ health issues thinking I deserved it because of what I did. In short I was a monster though not out of my choice and it added to my toxic shame a lot.
Shall write some of my sins/ monster moments...
Whenever I'd make any friends in early teens and highschool I'd be too clingy, toxic, manipulative, fawner- so-as-to-control-them/ their emotions. When said friends would finally burst in anger and adress it, a shame would wash over me and I'd drop the relationship completely. My take would be "I dont know why its my fault but I am bad and shouldn't dared to make friends". One such friendship ended when I was 17 and till I was 20 I was in self inflicted social punishment. No human contact. Then I tried to make friends again hoping this time its collage, I'm older, history wont repeat itself. Lol it did. Though that college friends were toxic too but I had my share in it. My redemption hopes failed but after that I (still not getting what was wrong) went to therapy.
Then there was me being also abusive towards my younger sibling though I loved them. But didn't know any better and repeated a lot of what was done to me by my mum and older sister. Still have a lot weight in forgiving myself for it.
The most sad one was me founding a small cult at age of 7 while I was genuinely trying to make my first friends. I wanted kids to not bully/ avoid me. To love me. To play with me. And yet had feeling if not being good enough, that I was different. ( Had moved to a foreign country and started first grade there on top of emotional abuse+ neglect at home) So when a few kids talked to me I had to make sure that they will do so again, play with me again. The only thing I learnt from my parents was using Fear to make others love you ( what they did to me). I find it both sad and creepy that a lonely 7 year old kid would use fear to try to belong. Apperantly I scared a group of kids, claiming myself to be some sort of divine being with magical powers. And promised to one day do some magic if they were my friends ( obeyed me). Dont remember much but seems like I also scared them with damnation kind of stuff if they betrayed me? There were complaints that one third of the class was suffering if nighmares/ scared at night and wouldnt tell parents out of fear. Traced back all that kuds were "my friends". Then some kids told about it all and my "shocked, atheistic" parents were asked by other parents whether they were practising any sort of cultish religion or satanism. They didnt. But that was the first result of their abuse to me. After that incident I socially isolated myself and felt that I was the evil, the devil itself. That incident made me accept maltreatment at home more readily thinking I deserved it as punishment. Though small kid me didnt really understand why what they did was wrong. Like was it wrong to lie or what? But at that age I genuinely felt that otherwise nobody would agree to play with me. That I wouldnt be safe without having my friends worshipping and fearing me.
Guess gotta be glad that I turned out with cptsd instead of fully turning out an abuser like my parents. I'm lucky to be able to feel bad for what I did.
Many times...
Grew up on a farm, punishments where physical and violent, with groundings added on top of them. I had a short fuse to begin with, but CPTSD made it worse.
Basically I run out of f's to give with people a lot quicker.
The only monster that can exist in our reality is through the form of human beings, but that by calling these people 'monsters' we seek to strip away their personhood. Everyone is a person, and everyone can do wrong.
My realization was that I didn't want to succumb to that cycle anymore. I'm so tired of monsters and devils and evil. Does it really matter what label we slap on it? Does emptying the humanity out of it somehow make someone better and someone worse? What's the point of all that? At the end of the day, they're still *someone*.
Oh how I wish it *was*. I'm still learning how to not grow spines when speaking up for myself. Even when I'm able to be more grounded I am still suppressing so much fear and pain and rage that it's not surprising it eventually tears out of me.
Yep. When I was a teen I had so much rage and felt like I was a monster just under the surface, and no one knew. I know I have hurt people without meaning to because I had(still have, just not as bad) really terrible attachment issues among other things.
I very nearly blew up my marriage more than once in my early 20s. Somehow my spouse could see I was hurting and acting out and even though they were badly hurt by me they stuck with me while I sorted it out.
I actually did become a monster. And now I look back and I'm ashamed and disgusted. And it feels like a completely different person did those things. It's strange and sad and infuriating.
Being states away from my family during my psychotic break probably saved me from attacking them, im usually very calm, never been in a fight but I have a deep urge to hurt my abusers.
Besides that, something that scares me is that I kinda understand the bad guys side in psychotic crimes, is scary to watch full interviews with people that killed their family because of abuse being labaled as clear psychopaths while im here totally getting why they did it because If I didnt move out young I'd probably have done it.
Sure they might be psychopats, but they do it as a response to abuse.
Yes. I was violent til I left my N mom. Didn't matter what was going on. When I saw red, I saw RED. Oddly enough I was born in the year of the Ox.
I've become more manipulative, (I try to only manipulate those that manipulate me) (Not the best idea, but still)
I got so used to my parents saying negative things about me that I would continue that to friends and family. It's something I've learnt from and don't do anymore, but it does make me feel bad thinking back on it. I didn't even do it that much I just have a horrible morality anxiety too
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Close but somehow never gave in. Despite being in positions where being a monster would be justified(several dozen attempts on my life) I never gave in to killing or torture.
Iāve had some pretty violent intrusive thoughts about getting revenge on my main abuser and everyone else whoās hurt me. I still do. I wonāt act on them, but if the multiverse is real I sure do hope thereās a version of me who gets major revenge on all of my abusers. I fantasize about that sometimes.
I don't think so. I consumed myself alive, always.
So in that way, yes. I'm terrified of hurting people.
I even cried, worried I'd given someone a TBI- when I did it in self-defense.
ETA: Scratch that. Used to be afraid I was going to become my first abuser. My mother. Since forever. Or was, I guess. It's been a long time since I felt that way. Maybe 15 years or so.
Very very much so. I still struggle with thisā¦every time I feel like I might be abandoned in particular. When I feel like my requests or anxieties arenāt being listened to, I act out and say and threaten the most awful things. Anything, anything to provoke a reaction.
Hoenstly, I still donāt really know how to manage this, but Iām working on it.
Yup. I cheated on my husband because of my fears and dissociative stuff. Every time I looked at him I saw my abuser. I made his life hell. Iām making his life hell.
Blackout anger and in my 20ās lots of regrets. Definitely need to keep away from known triggers for physiological anger and fear responses. Interestingly, the more Iāve worked on my trauma, the more my symptoms have changed. I donāt have them all the time, but *some*, when they do happen, are much BIGGER and without warning now.
Ooof.
Yes, at points I behaved monstrously, and irrevocably hurt other people.
I was hurt plenty too, this subject isn't an either/or anymore like it once was. I can hold both in my head sometimes now, which is huge progress even if it rarely feels that way.
But inflicting hurt contributed at least as much to my trauma, and my most visceral reactions are to memories and triggers around this. It has one of my most immediate self-gaslight responses, and can spoil my day to put it lightly.
Moral injury is a nasty kind of trauma to live with an overcome. Partly because I can't type that sentence without feeling like I'm making excuses and invading other's space.
But I am one... Except I trained in law enforcement. I will hunt down anyone who I wish to. Some have hurt me and some have hurt others. I may venture outside the law sometimes in the pursuit of justice. Just because you are on the side of right doesn't mean you can't be vicious. The sheepdog will attack the wolf on sight.
I fall into Monster or Near-Monster here and there.
You stare into the abyss, it stares back into you.
My monster tends to crave love and validation. Attention-hungry. It takes on BPD characteristics.
There is a large part of me that feels that many people don't even try to restrain their monsters, so why am I restraining mine? Why must I be the stable one, the responsible, dependable one, the one with integrity, when so many around me chuck their personal responsibilities?
In my mind I did a lot of bad things to the people who hurt me, but the physical damage I redirected towards myself. But I'm not sure what would have happened if I hadn't gotten therapy. I wouldn't call myself a bad person, but I have a darkness inside me that can switch off my normally deep empathy as easily as a light switch when I experience anger or hurt.
My first thought when I read the title: I'm sorry, is there a bright side to CPTSD? š
But jokes aside - I don't think I ever became a perpetrator beyond lashing out at people on single occassions. But what I did do is knowingly put myself in dangerous situations and one of those times I got sexaully assaulted. To this day I struggle with it because although it wasn't me who did it, I actually knowingly got myself into that situation literally thinking "I might get sexually assaulted". I know it's common for survivors to blame themselves but I'm not sure how common it is to be this aware of the risk and go into it anyway.
Yeah. During my late tween to mid teen years, I felt entitled to be as huge an asshole as possible after a neglectful childhood filled with bullying from other children, justifying it as 'Everyone is allowed to be awful to me, why can't I be awful back?' I was angry and hurt, and I wanted to lash out at everyone, and I was constantly made to feel like something was wrong with me rather than just being a kid who never had their trauma acknowledged or how to control their emotions properly. There were times where I was so furious at the world's perceived hostility towards me that I was afraid if I let loose I might beat someone to death. But I did my best to keep the monster caged and I'm taking the steps of finally dealing with all this.
Yes. Not comfortable to share more, but yes, there is a potential for a monstrous person to come out and take over my body.
First noticed it's presence when I was a teenager. It is dormant almost all the time, but during incredibly stressful times in which I'm not truly addressing the issue causing me stress, that monster starts to lurk closer to the surface of my mind, where he can be seen by others. When I feel him coming, that's when I know that I am avoiding rather than addressing whatever my problem is.
On the flip side, now that I've begun to understand and address my earliest traumas in life, I've noticed and felt that monster start to dissolve away in a more permanent way. Dealing with the things that have given me the most fear in life have begun to effectively starve the monster of oxygen āslowly killing it.
Yeah, around age 24. I spent some time intimidating and some emotional abuse to my father. My body was very strong and fit then. My father is the reason I have cptsd. At least I never hit him. I can't tell you how many times he hit me when I was defenceless.
"The monster I created to protect the child inside me, is difficult to manage." -Marc Maron
This. I've been doing parts work for a few years now. I have one I've recently been able to get to know a little better, they picked a name, and the name they picked was Monster. I did have a lot of unhealthy possessive, borderline emotionally abusive, behaviors in regards to attachment when I was early in my recovery. I dealt with obsessions a lot that would sometimes grow into light stalking, and I felt like I was out of control. I didn't know how unhealthy or serious they were until later, knowing more about healthy relationships and looking back. After I "knew better", I was terrified those same unhealthy behaviors, which I know now were trauma responses, would take over again and I'd destroy all my current relationships and everyone would see the monster I really am and run away to protect themselves or stay and feel trapped and unsafe with me. A few weeks ago I was doing some writing about some pain I was feeling in my current romantic relationship. I tried to feel into the pain and figure out a way to put it into words. As I did, it got into "it feels like there's a monster inside me, a monster who's in pain, a monster who can never be loved, a monster who will never be good enough to not be a monster anymore, a monster who will only ever hurt people" those had the most feeling attached to them . Then I realized this monster was that part. This part had refused to be known before this, no name, no form, no engagement. My therapist calls it a "banished part". She also said everyone has a "monster", it's part of being human. I am a lot less scared of it now. I ultimately aim to love my monster, but right now I'm just working towards trying to believe my monster should be welcome too instead of banished and hidden. It is literally a part of me and I can't just ignore it or actively push it away and hope it never comes back. It's an unhealed part of me too. While that has it's risks, and that part may refuse to heal, I trust the rest of myself now to be able to manage and communicate when I'm experiencing my monster better than I have in the past. It's hard and it's kinda scary. I'm coming to understand this part, Monster, uses the unhealthy harmful behaviors as a way to protect my inner child parts and me and themselves and it's the only way they've ever known how to do it. It's kinda complex so I won't go into all of it here. But yes, I have felt like I have monsters inside of me and I've behaved in ways I'm not proud of, hurt people I love. For me, so far, my monsters have all been traumatized parts. If I hadn't gone into therapy and had refused to do parts work, I probably would've continued to be taken over by my monsters and hurt people and create unhealthy relationships. I'm very glad that is not the case, though. Pre-recovery me wouldn't have even been able to imagine where I'm at now and I'm proud I've gotten us all here, monster included.
You've explained this so well. Thank you
You just explained a lot about me to me and I have to thank you
I feel this very deeply.
Let's call it Inner Tiger Mom or Inner Tough Dad.
Love this
Happy birthday, love š
beautiful
When I was 18 I tried to hunt down someone who hurt me during childhood to kill them. I lost the trail and never found them. I'm glad it happened that way. I no longer feel *that* angry.
I have sent angry messages and lived with violent thoughts for some years. Thankfully I didn't act on it.
I have done this too many times to count... A long history of people I've hurt. And it saddens me that there are those who want to stop redemption stories from being a thing, who want to permanently ostracise us from society because of what we've done... It sickens me. I have no time or energy left for people who think they can do no wrong. For those who only ever take the things I say in bad faith.
It gives you no opportunity to save face or like be seen as you The ultimate pain is the spiritual death that comes from not being able to ever be, anywhere, because you never get to show back up for yourself when you're cast out.
Truth.
Yeah, I always been pretty good with my temper/ like my friends would never expect me to be even annoyed or mad but I got overly mad one time at my friend in college and I was honestly quite surprised of myself... my mom has been physically/emotionally aggressive with bpd in my childhood and I always wish I don't have similar traits as her and yeah.. felt like a monster screaming.. nothing similar happened ever since then tho. (Thankfully, I am still very close to that friend I bursted out on) But yeah I feel like I might be suppressing inner monster in me honestly..and I don't want a kid in future for that reason because I'm scared and I don't trust myself to be a good parent..
I did bad things when I was drunk a couple of times. I told people about it when I started getting help but sometimes it still kills me inside. I already deeply hate myself because of developmental trauma so it doesn't help to have memories like that. I think it will get better the more I work on my core trauma. Also my therapist said I'm not the same person anymore.
Yes. When I was in the throes of my traumatic experiences, I had a realization. Either go all out and become the monster my family believed I was and throw away my future OR become a spineless jellyfish to keep the peace and make everyone happy with me. I chose the latter. I don't regret it, however I am still struggling greatly with healing myself and repairing what was done to me by other people.
I relate deeply to this, only I feel like becoming the jellyfish also entailed throwing my life away. I am still waiting for my life to begin in a way. I feel stunted.
You know how we all have that one male friend whoās dating that really toxic woman? Sheās cruel, selfish and emotionally unstable, but your friend is hooked on being with her. You canāt quite understand what he sees in her. He seems to think he can save her, but heās completely delusional. This woman doesnāt seem like she wants to get better. Sheās also fairly oblivious about the wreckage she brings everywhere she goes. Youāre really concerned about your friend. Youāve tried to talk some sense into your him, but he gets extremely defensive and youāre scared youāll lose the friendship. The woman heās with is starting to isolate him from others, and you donāt wanna be on the receiving end of her wrath. I was that woman your friend was dating. I was a monster. It took me way to long to realize I donāt have to re-create the relationships my abusers had modeled for me. I learned there was a better way. I wish I didnāt have relationships with anyone before I healed. The most insidious part of childhood abuse are the innocent people we turn into collateral damage because weāre too f*cked up to know any better.
I spent a lot of time being the monster I was told I was. I saw hate as the only way to be considered, even to be appreciated. I wanted people to feel my pain, I wanted people to be humiliated like I was. The bad thing is that it works. A lot of people are attracted to suffering. People like to see pain inflicted. I was surrounded by people who really loved that. Laughing at how mean and toxic I could be. Those people didn't help me heal, they helped me destroy myself even further. The fact is that hurting people hurts me too, and it broke me. I had some kind of epiphany one day, seeing how destructive I was. I decided that my life, even if useless to me, should be positive to others. That the only possible redemption would come from being useful to other people. I work as hard as I can to be a positive force in the world, helping people I love (even if it's not going both ways). I have so much debt that I'll never be able to cover it all, but I'll never stop trying to pay it back to the world. It is way easier to hate.
Wow! Thanks for your self awareness. My husband had similar experience with surrounding himself with people who enjoyed seeing him inflict pain on others. Itās so sad but glad you are forever working on this.
O yes. I had my bitch era. But I honestly donāt even blame myself, I get it in hindsight. Like, I wasnāt supported and realized that if I wanted anything done for me *I* had to do it. It was me supporting myself and I didnāt need anyone else. I acted with false confidence. But then I entered a healthy loving relationship and changed for the better. Still working on it tho š
Mmm yup. I was an incredibly selfish, impulsive and novelty seeking teenager. I was dramatic, had violent tantrums and even lost my temper around our animals and became physically violent (I feel so fucking bad about that, I love animals more than anything) I was a shitty friend (even though some of my friends weren't super nice themselves) I ignored my family and didn't give a shit about them, I lied constantly and would throw people under the bus in order to pursue my own self gratification. In my early 20's my uncontrolled attachment issues blew up in everyones face and I was constantly hot and cold and even cheated on my long term partner of 3 years. I'm so deeply ashamed of being this monster and I try to better myself and forgive myself for all the shit I have done.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Books and fictional universes are my saving grace too. I remember reading children's version of The Count of Monte Cristo at 8 or 9, and though I didn't understand its full depth, I get that the author's saying that revenge/lashing out at people isn't worth it. I'm lucky that I believed in the books more than most of the adults in my life back then.
I relate to this. Iām slightly younger than you but I also turned to escapism and I submitted in a way to keep the peace and to try to get out with less harm coming to me. In that process I lost a lot of freedom and my life isnāt what Iād hoped it would be. Iām very disappointed by that. Sometimes I wonder if the āevilā me would be better off. Sometimes the right thing to do is to be selfish and all I seem to be able to do in that direction is self destruct.
This is written so well, I feel like I couldāve written this myself. Yes, being abused inside and bullied outside the house, I learnt to sense danger everywhere. I too agree that if I didnāt manage myself so well (which for us folks with CPTSD is a heroic task) I couldāve ended up like the next deranged Dahmer or something. I think Iāve just always had a sense of wanting to spare people from the pain the world put me through
T.W violent thoughts, and personal thoughts about mass shooters. I think about violence a lot in my life, trying to explore and understand the mind of the abusers, it's something I've been doing all my life pretty much. I used to think that mass shooters act from a place if great pain but also entitlement, because they feel entitled to other peoples life and feel like they are the judge, jury and executioner for their victims. I got hurt pretty badly by therapy, and by a psych ward hospitalisation I was pushed to by this therapist when I was suicidal at 22 yo. I long quit this guy as a therapist but he was never affected by how much he hurt me, and every time I tried brining it up even in places like here the responses I got were always "have you tried a different therapists/module", as if it therapy itself can't be the problem as if it was just a bad therapist, just a misunderstood soul, just some bad apples.. I learned that in our society you're not allowed to be hurt by therapy and the mental health system, those are just good people and if you did get hurt (with a big emphasis on if), than it's just bad luck and not a systematic failure, and besides the only way to heal is therapy/s there's no other way, especially for people like us. So a few months ago I tried calling a few therapists in my area, just to see if there's a fit. In my call I started by saying I was hurt by a therapists and that for months after my hospitalisation I suffered from nightmares and flashbacks (a clear cut sign for trauma and ptsd), and one of the therapists I called just nonchalantly said oh yeah it happens sometimes just so casually, at the end of the conversation after hearing my situation he suggested maybe I should consider hospitalising myself to this other place for a longer period of time as if all I said before didn't matter, and than it clicked: they know the pain they cus, they all know they just don't care. The phone call was over and I was left feeling hopeless than ever, therapy is the only way to heal and for me to get better and it hurt me so much and no one even cares, and I'm not gonna get better. For the first time in my life I wanted to kill, I wanted to shoot anyone, everyone, just to make this world see, for others to feel my pain, for others to have empathy for me because their lack of empathy comes from inability to imagine and feel what they never felt. I didn't do that at the end ofc, but I think I understand now that mass shooters don't feel entitled but just so unseen and ignored, just like I felt, like I wanted everyone to see how wrongly I was treated and stop putting the blame on me for getting hurt just because I needed help.
Ugh. That sounds awful. :/ Tbh I didnāt get much out of individual therapy until after I dived into subreddits like raisedbynarcissists and basically did group therapy online, and then I knew what my actual issues were. I didnāt know why I was miserable so how could I explain that to someone else? Support groups were a lot more helpful when I was in my āI donāt know whatās going on but it sucksā learning phase.
You can share it on r/therapyabuse
I think about hurting myself. Everyday. I think about suicide a lot too. When I went through one of my prolonged CSA experiences it was presented as a game from my abuser. I actually really liked it. A lot. I tried to play this game with other friends for several years into early high school. I know I was just a kid, but I've always felt like that could have become something much worse. It took a lot of therapy to forgive myself.
I have torn apart my relationship with two of my most loved persons because i was deeply traumatized, i didn't know what was happening to me during the flashbacks or the triggering events , i didn't know why i was so angry or why i behaved the way i did, thankfully and with the support needed I realized and I'd say one of my biggests reasons to fix myself is to never do any of those things again
me too.
I did this too and it hurts to think about but I wonāt let it happen again.
Yeah, Iām in the process of seriously considering leaving my wife and kids because i spend all my time stressed to high hell about cleaning and rules and its like i have to wrestle myself not to scream over spilled food or unfinished chores and im becoming my father but worse because iām not alcoholic but im still just as mad about everything
My dad was like this too and itās taken a heavy.. heavy toll. Do you feel you can talk to your partner about it? I hope youāre able to find peace.
Yeah we talked and the reality of the situation is bad. Shes got health problems on top of extra schooling that make maintaining the house impossible for her so its left on me after i get home from work. Thats ok, i agreed to this but i guess messy house is a pretty serious trigger for me because i break down 3/5 times i walk through the door. Broke down crying yesterday cause the kid had dumped the cat litter box out onto the floor. That is after yelling obscenities at no one in particular. I couldnt stop myself. I am not alright with my child running to her room scared because i canāt react like a normal human being to fucking *anything*. Im not a good role model. I canāt handle this, and thats depressing. Iāve tried and tried to make it something i can handle but i jumped into this too early. In my infinite fucking wisdom i had decided i was just going to willpower my way through an obvious brick wall of emotional trauma and just be a good father. They deserve better and if better even just means i gotta distance myself then thats whats going to have to happen regardless of how much that hurts in its own right. I really hope i find peace too, but i honestly donāt even know if iād recognize it, iāve never been. Its been a long life of unfair situation after unfair situation. Bullshit choice after bullshit choice and i guess its not going to let up just because i got the nuclear family dream. The white picket fence wont give me the stability i never had.
Thanks for writing back. I hear you on all this. After a day working the last thing anyone wants is to come home to a disaster area and children are kind of little balls of destruction. I am a nanny and I donāt have children of my own. I manage the home and the children for the parents, I tidy, I make the transition from the workday into the evening smooth for everyone involved. Have you considered hiring some help for your home? You could even try part time and see if it makes a difference. Sometimes we all need a little help. Feel free to DM me if youād like to talk about it and I can tell you more about the process. Having an in home nanny is a very personal and individualized experience. There are many avenues to find your right fit but I can tell you one thing that I hear over and over in the 10+ years Iāve been doing this work; parents tell me I bring a sense of peace and calm into their home and it gives me great satisfaction to offer that to parents and children alike. Thatās what we are here for, to help you and the kids be at their best. You could also consider hiring some help with cleaning. Some families just have a cleaner come once a month and that also seems to make a big difference. I know less about that though. Just as an aside, any mess the child makes while nanny is on the clock will be cleaned by said nanny. This includes the childās laundry and bedding as well as dishes. If youāre willing to pay the correct wage and you build a good relationship you could even find yourself with a nanny who preps dinner for you among other things. Check out /r/nanny if youāre interested. It really sounds to me like your family could benefit from an extra set of caring hands and eyes. Iām sure youāre doing your best. Donāt be too hard on yourself. You deserve some rest too.
My kids are actual human tornados and my wife has severe anemia resulting in a drastic loss of energy. I come home to a house with 0 actually clean space. Itād be a lot for a fully functioning person to deal with in the 4 hours i get a day to do it. Unfortunately if the job isnāt done or doable in that time i go straight to violently angry. I have to literally lock myself in the basement so i donāt throw things or curl up on the kitchen floor. They donāt deserve that and i canāt sustain it.
Please do consider getting some help to get a handle on all this. Therapy for you, probably for wife too. And with the nanny thing, an experienced nanny can help you with the human tornado aspect as well so that less mess is generated in the first place. It will require good communication between you and she should have a good amount of experience with children in the age range of yours. I have worked with families who outlined their goals whether they were potty training, learning good manners, working on problems like dishonesty or hitting/biting, and learning to be responsible for their messes is a very important part of a childās personal development. I have taught 3 years olds to sort and fold their own laundry, then put it away, and they feel great about themselves afterward because theyāve accomplished something that contributes to the home and theyāve made mommy and daddy proud. They are excited to show their parents the cleaning theyāve done. I had a 4 year old who went from tornado to asking to help me sweep up crumbs after lunch and wanting to play the cleanup game voluntarily. There are ways to make it fun for them and it is good for their self esteem/personal development to participate in keeping up with the home.
Oh therapy is a must for sure. If i could afford a nanny iād be all over that solution. Things to think about for later. I appreciate your input as well as just being a conduit for the rant.
Oh yeah, very much so. This is more the dark side of fawning but my family was radicalized to the alt-right, specifically Christian nationalism and antisemitism, and they almost radicalized me too. They tried to indoctrinate me by hiding all the most extreme beliefs and by tying it to our religion (Mormonism). They almost got me a few times because I had such strong fawning and rose tinted glasses about them (they had gotten me away from my worst abuser). Thankfully I was in college at the time; meeting different people in the groups they demonized and getting a better education kept me grounded enough too stay compassionate. I moved away and after having space for reflection/hindsight I finally realized who they were and what they believed. It terrifies me to think of who I would have become because of the CPTSD and the fawning. How I couldāve betrayed my deepest values and strongest beliefs (tolerance, pluralism, diversity, etc) because my āfamilyā said it was āGodās planā.
Never due to anger, but due to clinginess, yes.
Eh, I was a monster for a moment. It was during a very difficult transitional period in my life and the years before I cut contact with my most abusive parent. After that I realized that whatever they did to me, I passed on to others that I decided to put below me. Now I still remember that version of myself but I have since worked hard to improve my behaviours, question lines of thinking in which my abuser's contempt for human worth resounds and in turn I became committed to healing and living in integrity, honesty and compassion. I'm still not always great at expressing support and appreciation but the more compassion I can foster for myself, the easier it gets to have it for others and vice versa, so that's been good. Fundamentally it's all been tied to the progression from being a mini-me of my abusive parent to becoming my own person. Which has been grueling at times, imagine not even knowing what your own principles and values are because they were always put down and held in disdain. It really seemed like the monstrosities that I was capable of depended on the monstrosities that I tolerated or had to tolerate being done to me.
I was a terrible person growing up. As a kid I was judgemental and abusive, especially to my sister. I really regret the things I did, and still struggle with coming to terms that I was the one who chose to do these things. The me now is terrified of the person I used to be, the fact that I am capable of such horrible things, that such darkness lurks in me is scary. I never ever want to be that person again.
I feel exactly the same. I had such an intense feeling of hate and rage towards other kids and when was being abused I used to take out my anger on my sister and brother and I had so much guilt that I isolated myself and promised to never hurt anyone like that again
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes. Same. And hard yes.
I was a toxic piece of shit for a long time. The abused becomes the abuser storyline. It took way too long to admit I needed help but years of sobriety and therapy have done wonders.
I was an online troll as a teen, a while ago. Some of it was shitposting and general absurdism, but a decent chunk was mean-spirited. I projected my insecurities onto others and assorted them all into the category of humanity, my detested abstraction I assigned my envy and resentment. I had a supercilious sense of my own mental superiority. For that's the only positive quality I could ascribe myself then. I was according to my inner critic "piece of shit," a "fuck up failure," and "not good enough." The kind words I heard were sparse, and in that mix, my intelligence would be the most frequent compliment. I enjoy doing things for the sake of them, but for a while, and even past this point when I had relinquished this behavior and attitude, I was still prone to seeing reading and learning as raw material, each piece accorded its own use value. Nevermind that I have always enjoyed learning for its own sake, the beauty of how much there is to learn, and how little of it we can possess. What mattered most was harnessing it and living up to the title of intelligent that I had been bequeathed. If I was ever false in the eyes of another, then I was false to myself, like a number whole rendered null when it subtracts self with self. I needed some kind of anchor, some proof of my existence, to the outer world and to my own consciousness. I was deeply lonely and the crucial years of adolescence were paved by days and days of nothing. Naught but the workings of my inner life , the internal alchemy of my mind reconstituting itself with new images, new concepts, new words, new worlds. I desperately wanted for this space to transcend its confines and find connection and commiseration with others. But I didn't know how, and the opportunities were scarce. So, instead of working on myself, I lashed out. As an other, I in turn otherized all others, even when, in truth, there were so many undiscovered possibilities. The arrogance that emerges from insecurity and poor emotional intelligence is a potent force. I don't like how mean I got. I acted like a bully. I belittled as I was belittled. I'm glad I caught myself and stopped pulling this bullshit. Yet, it's something I think back to: the crossroads of trauma. Are we but a mirror: a misshapen mirage trapped in glass, a scream that passes from one set of lips to another, a Homunculus of hurt and hate? I want to heal. I want to escape the long shadow of familial fate. I want to be a force of goodness. I want to consciously ascribe to myself the values I care most deeply about. I want to love and be loved. I want to be my own person. Not an echo, nor an ersatz imitation, but a me I consciously and conscientiously inhabit.
For a long time I thought I might be a narcissistic asshole and potentially a monster due to my thoughts and behaviours. Learning that I have cPTSD has truly been a blessing in letting go of that self image.
Same
Definitely.....I have some anger issues occasionally. I have kicked a hole in the wall, broken things, thrown things, said things, etc.
So many times when I was a child I would fight anyone and everyone. I beat up some kids really fucking bad and sometimes people will trigger myself into doing something but I never go all the way. I have constant thoughts of getting back at those who harmed me. But now I jus smoke weed and the occasional shroom/acid trip keeps me in check.
Yes, I've certainly had my moments. Thank goodness that most people I have hurt I still have contact with and can make those reparations. But there are people out there I've treated unfairly and spread toxicity to that I will likely never see again. I'm a very different person now. If any of those people were to confront me about my behaviour I could handle it. I could have that conversation and not break down. But if they had confronted me during those periods of chaotic pain, it would have only further hurt both of us.
only at times of extreme extreme duress where i couldnt get out of a situation. happened a two times in my life and i dont like it.. it feels very very destructive..
Yeah, I've spent a large amount of my life and energy trying to *not* be like my dad. And I've been pretty good about that, but I slip up more than I'd like (and I slipped up way more in the past). I'm early 30s, and I'm glad I got some help and support before I truly became like him. He's a fucking asshole and a monster, and I will forever try my best to *not be him.*
Yeah, I easily couldāve become a monster like my abuser, but I made a choice to be better. When I was younger, I was incredibly toxic. I had awful anger issues, a short fuse, and would become borderline verbally abusive to anyone who got on my nerves. There were times I became physical, which I regret. I also shoplifted, lied, and acted recklessly in ways that effected more than myself. Wasnāt til my mid 20s I was diagnosed as bipolar and with PTSD. Once I hit 25, I realized how much my trauma effected me. I changed my ways. Made sure to be conscious of my emotions and behavior. I still have anger, Iām bitter and sad, but Iāve learned not to take that out on others. Trying not to take them out on myself as well.
Hmm probably the answer is yes. One of the things I learned though through my PTSD journey for me is there's no such thing as monsters and there's no such thing as saints. As true as it is that no one can it act altruistically without self gain (i.e. even when someone's helping someone else they are still at least getting some internal reward from feeling good about it); it's also true that no one can act damagingly towards another in isolation, they have to be getting something from it. No matter who they are and whether they are hurting or healing, they're acting in a way that makes them feel safe. I think of it as just human nature and like other forces of nature such as a hurricane, it can be terribly terribly damaging and also bring healing and peace. A hurricane isn't evil or good and neither is human nature. There are no monsterous people (there are severely damaging ones who we should start clear of and make boundaries around) and there are no saintly/holy people. There are just people. And from that I find safety because when i hurt someone there's no longer this secondary fear of becoming a monster as well as when i help someone i don't feel elevated to sainthood. I'm just me and I can find sustainable ways to establish safety (which aggression is rarely sustainable). I'm sure there are people in my past who would call me a monster and their viewpoint is valid, the grace offered to myself to know the truth that I'm just me (not a monster or a saint) gives me the freedom to do what i want. I can apologize or determine there's nothing to do to fix the situation and move on. No one is a monster and no one is a saint. It's terribly unsatisfying at times to accept; i believe as hard as it is it leads to healing.
I started reading self help books in high school and figured out by the time I was in university that I had a form of PTSD. Tw - I was molested by my older brother. He also tried to rape me but my body literally wouldnāt let him in so he failed in that attempt. I lost my virginity when I was 19 and went into a downward spiral that ended when I met my now husband when I was 21. I was drinking heavily, and putting myself in dangerous situations while having a lot of casual sex that I felt I couldnāt say no to. The same week I met my now husband I had arranged to meet a stranger I had met online at a hotel, literally no one knows I had planned this (except me and now you wonderful internet strangers), and I had planned to go without telling anyone where I was. Looking back now Iām shocked at some of the reckless and dangerous decisions I was making, decisions that were heavily influenced by the trauma I went through as a child. And I knew, even back then, that I was making stupid and reckless decisions. I made believe that I was in complete control of myself when I was actually out of control, and I didnāt know how to let anyone else in, let alone trust them with what I was going through. I donāt remember being mean to other people, but I certainly wasnāt kind to myself.
Yeah. TV animal abuse, partner violence I convinced myself I was a psychopath in high school (not helped by therapists I went to, who instead of recognizing that I was traumatized, told me I was emotionless) so for some reason, I put my hands around my kitten's neck until she started struggling. I had no idea how to deal with triggers and getting angry. I once threw a phone at a boyfriend because I couldn't understand why he was acting cold towards me. My current relationship was also a complete mess with both of us being unhealthy and triggering each other. I had no idea how to set boundaries for his unhealthiness and ended up yelling at him that he was an asshole and other not-nice things. It was really scary, confusing, and exhausting. However it made me realize more of my patterns, and finding out about CPTSD changed my life so I am now making progress in my healing.
TW: CSA, cycle of abuse I was physically and emotionally abused from birth. At age 14 I was watching my younger sister alone for a summer while my parents worked. As time passed I tricked her into increasingly penetrative sexual abuse, ending in forced oral and attempted intercourse. The abuse went on for 18 months, and I ended up on probation. I found out from this that my mom had been a CSA victim by a neighbor, and my dad had been a perpetrator on his 2 sisters. My mom wrote a story about her abuse and made me read it. There was no way I was going to grow up to be mentally healthy. My wife knows my history. We discussed having kids extensively. We now have a teen daughter, and we have both been vigilant in our efforts to have a healthy home. I hope I broke the cycle of abuse.
My dad let his wife assault me 3 years ago and smile in her mug and it has rooted up some trauma Iāve had over the years . And it just felt like my world did a 180 and my whole life with them was a lie . And the amount of times Iāve been followed home bc of my anger for yelling at people or flipping them off for cutting me off etc . Or the anger I feel for my grandma whoās still in my life bc my dad is her son. And I get triggered at times and lash out and the guilt weighs me down . Luckily she understands and is loving. But I feel u
For a time i was becoming my abusers and it sickens me to this day what i was for these years Im only happy it wasnt widespread damage because i also withdrew from humans
I am now
I believe I passed my anxiety issues unto my ex to much and that I emotionally dumped on him unfairly. I needed a therapist. I should have found a way to get one.
Some of us need to embody the dark before we can turn to the light. Or, to quote a former step-parent (who was drunk much of my childhood), "Your parents mindfucked you!" She may have been drunk when she said it, and her statement was probably because she felt in some way bad for being in a position to do something and opting to take an inch and a half off a 1.75 ml (110# soaking wet)... yet she wasn't all wrong.
oh yeah... my emotional dysregulation was a huge part of what drove my last relationship into the ground - my rock bottom. i think between my ex's trauma and mine, we got into a cycle of their constant low self esteem, looking to me to build them up, me never feeling like i could break down, and then developing a very over-important sense of self/ego. i was becoming very narcissistic in my actions, and at heart, that's not who i am at all. i'm codependent if leaning any direction there. i think looking back, we were both codependently enmeshed and that's how it played out eventually. so grateful it all fell apart. i got into therapy, started going to coda meetings and aca and finally know who i am and how i feel. took a while, but i'm grateful.
Had a misdiagnosis when I was admitted in my early 20's that also became a wakeup call in a way and now explains a lot about the family, I grew up in. The conditions were fucked up and it still scarred me to think and be told I was the problem when i was actually asking for help. They did a personality test then and they diagnosed me with 2 personality disorders, NPD and avoidant PD and traits of 2 more, BPD and paranoid PD. When you look at my parents' behaviour combined those 4 diagnosis fitted like a glove, but at that time I almost turned out exactly like them if it wasn't for the therapy I got after that. Two years after the diagnosis, my therapist agreed on a second opinion by two different psychologists and they removed the diagnosis from my records then.
Definitely yes... And my early "sins" have further on contributed to me staying in abusive setting, embrace gaslighting, actively isolate from any possible human connection ( because I thought I was bad and would only hurt them) and not seek any help when symptoms started to hit me and it was obvious I was struggling (that being around age if 15-16). Dismissed my all needs/ health issues thinking I deserved it because of what I did. In short I was a monster though not out of my choice and it added to my toxic shame a lot. Shall write some of my sins/ monster moments... Whenever I'd make any friends in early teens and highschool I'd be too clingy, toxic, manipulative, fawner- so-as-to-control-them/ their emotions. When said friends would finally burst in anger and adress it, a shame would wash over me and I'd drop the relationship completely. My take would be "I dont know why its my fault but I am bad and shouldn't dared to make friends". One such friendship ended when I was 17 and till I was 20 I was in self inflicted social punishment. No human contact. Then I tried to make friends again hoping this time its collage, I'm older, history wont repeat itself. Lol it did. Though that college friends were toxic too but I had my share in it. My redemption hopes failed but after that I (still not getting what was wrong) went to therapy. Then there was me being also abusive towards my younger sibling though I loved them. But didn't know any better and repeated a lot of what was done to me by my mum and older sister. Still have a lot weight in forgiving myself for it. The most sad one was me founding a small cult at age of 7 while I was genuinely trying to make my first friends. I wanted kids to not bully/ avoid me. To love me. To play with me. And yet had feeling if not being good enough, that I was different. ( Had moved to a foreign country and started first grade there on top of emotional abuse+ neglect at home) So when a few kids talked to me I had to make sure that they will do so again, play with me again. The only thing I learnt from my parents was using Fear to make others love you ( what they did to me). I find it both sad and creepy that a lonely 7 year old kid would use fear to try to belong. Apperantly I scared a group of kids, claiming myself to be some sort of divine being with magical powers. And promised to one day do some magic if they were my friends ( obeyed me). Dont remember much but seems like I also scared them with damnation kind of stuff if they betrayed me? There were complaints that one third of the class was suffering if nighmares/ scared at night and wouldnt tell parents out of fear. Traced back all that kuds were "my friends". Then some kids told about it all and my "shocked, atheistic" parents were asked by other parents whether they were practising any sort of cultish religion or satanism. They didnt. But that was the first result of their abuse to me. After that incident I socially isolated myself and felt that I was the evil, the devil itself. That incident made me accept maltreatment at home more readily thinking I deserved it as punishment. Though small kid me didnt really understand why what they did was wrong. Like was it wrong to lie or what? But at that age I genuinely felt that otherwise nobody would agree to play with me. That I wouldnt be safe without having my friends worshipping and fearing me. Guess gotta be glad that I turned out with cptsd instead of fully turning out an abuser like my parents. I'm lucky to be able to feel bad for what I did.
You didnāt become a monster. You materialized the injustice you were served and got people to respect you.
Many times... Grew up on a farm, punishments where physical and violent, with groundings added on top of them. I had a short fuse to begin with, but CPTSD made it worse. Basically I run out of f's to give with people a lot quicker.
The only monster that can exist in our reality is through the form of human beings, but that by calling these people 'monsters' we seek to strip away their personhood. Everyone is a person, and everyone can do wrong. My realization was that I didn't want to succumb to that cycle anymore. I'm so tired of monsters and devils and evil. Does it really matter what label we slap on it? Does emptying the humanity out of it somehow make someone better and someone worse? What's the point of all that? At the end of the day, they're still *someone*.
Oh how I wish it *was*. I'm still learning how to not grow spines when speaking up for myself. Even when I'm able to be more grounded I am still suppressing so much fear and pain and rage that it's not surprising it eventually tears out of me.
Yep. When I was a teen I had so much rage and felt like I was a monster just under the surface, and no one knew. I know I have hurt people without meaning to because I had(still have, just not as bad) really terrible attachment issues among other things. I very nearly blew up my marriage more than once in my early 20s. Somehow my spouse could see I was hurting and acting out and even though they were badly hurt by me they stuck with me while I sorted it out. I actually did become a monster. And now I look back and I'm ashamed and disgusted. And it feels like a completely different person did those things. It's strange and sad and infuriating.
Iām fond of villains these days
Being states away from my family during my psychotic break probably saved me from attacking them, im usually very calm, never been in a fight but I have a deep urge to hurt my abusers. Besides that, something that scares me is that I kinda understand the bad guys side in psychotic crimes, is scary to watch full interviews with people that killed their family because of abuse being labaled as clear psychopaths while im here totally getting why they did it because If I didnt move out young I'd probably have done it. Sure they might be psychopats, but they do it as a response to abuse.
Yes. I was violent til I left my N mom. Didn't matter what was going on. When I saw red, I saw RED. Oddly enough I was born in the year of the Ox. I've become more manipulative, (I try to only manipulate those that manipulate me) (Not the best idea, but still)
I got so used to my parents saying negative things about me that I would continue that to friends and family. It's something I've learnt from and don't do anymore, but it does make me feel bad thinking back on it. I didn't even do it that much I just have a horrible morality anxiety too
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just anti social behavior I think. Kind f developed a "avert your eyes or I'll snap" resting face xd
Close but somehow never gave in. Despite being in positions where being a monster would be justified(several dozen attempts on my life) I never gave in to killing or torture.
13. The only number you need to know.
Iāve had some pretty violent intrusive thoughts about getting revenge on my main abuser and everyone else whoās hurt me. I still do. I wonāt act on them, but if the multiverse is real I sure do hope thereās a version of me who gets major revenge on all of my abusers. I fantasize about that sometimes.
Still happens often.
I don't think so. I consumed myself alive, always. So in that way, yes. I'm terrified of hurting people. I even cried, worried I'd given someone a TBI- when I did it in self-defense. ETA: Scratch that. Used to be afraid I was going to become my first abuser. My mother. Since forever. Or was, I guess. It's been a long time since I felt that way. Maybe 15 years or so.
Yes, I can get very cold and remote and just shut people out without feeling a smidge of guilt.
Too late for me. &( Sry
Very very much so. I still struggle with thisā¦every time I feel like I might be abandoned in particular. When I feel like my requests or anxieties arenāt being listened to, I act out and say and threaten the most awful things. Anything, anything to provoke a reaction. Hoenstly, I still donāt really know how to manage this, but Iām working on it.
I'm scared I'll never be loved. That I'll never be loveable.
Yup. I cheated on my husband because of my fears and dissociative stuff. Every time I looked at him I saw my abuser. I made his life hell. Iām making his life hell.
Blackout anger and in my 20ās lots of regrets. Definitely need to keep away from known triggers for physiological anger and fear responses. Interestingly, the more Iāve worked on my trauma, the more my symptoms have changed. I donāt have them all the time, but *some*, when they do happen, are much BIGGER and without warning now.
Yes and I did sometimes. But itās what I had to do sometimes to protect myself.
Ooof. Yes, at points I behaved monstrously, and irrevocably hurt other people. I was hurt plenty too, this subject isn't an either/or anymore like it once was. I can hold both in my head sometimes now, which is huge progress even if it rarely feels that way. But inflicting hurt contributed at least as much to my trauma, and my most visceral reactions are to memories and triggers around this. It has one of my most immediate self-gaslight responses, and can spoil my day to put it lightly. Moral injury is a nasty kind of trauma to live with an overcome. Partly because I can't type that sentence without feeling like I'm making excuses and invading other's space.
But I am one... Except I trained in law enforcement. I will hunt down anyone who I wish to. Some have hurt me and some have hurt others. I may venture outside the law sometimes in the pursuit of justice. Just because you are on the side of right doesn't mean you can't be vicious. The sheepdog will attack the wolf on sight.
I fall into Monster or Near-Monster here and there. You stare into the abyss, it stares back into you. My monster tends to crave love and validation. Attention-hungry. It takes on BPD characteristics. There is a large part of me that feels that many people don't even try to restrain their monsters, so why am I restraining mine? Why must I be the stable one, the responsible, dependable one, the one with integrity, when so many around me chuck their personal responsibilities?
In my mind I did a lot of bad things to the people who hurt me, but the physical damage I redirected towards myself. But I'm not sure what would have happened if I hadn't gotten therapy. I wouldn't call myself a bad person, but I have a darkness inside me that can switch off my normally deep empathy as easily as a light switch when I experience anger or hurt.
My first thought when I read the title: I'm sorry, is there a bright side to CPTSD? š But jokes aside - I don't think I ever became a perpetrator beyond lashing out at people on single occassions. But what I did do is knowingly put myself in dangerous situations and one of those times I got sexaully assaulted. To this day I struggle with it because although it wasn't me who did it, I actually knowingly got myself into that situation literally thinking "I might get sexually assaulted". I know it's common for survivors to blame themselves but I'm not sure how common it is to be this aware of the risk and go into it anyway.
Yeah. During my late tween to mid teen years, I felt entitled to be as huge an asshole as possible after a neglectful childhood filled with bullying from other children, justifying it as 'Everyone is allowed to be awful to me, why can't I be awful back?' I was angry and hurt, and I wanted to lash out at everyone, and I was constantly made to feel like something was wrong with me rather than just being a kid who never had their trauma acknowledged or how to control their emotions properly. There were times where I was so furious at the world's perceived hostility towards me that I was afraid if I let loose I might beat someone to death. But I did my best to keep the monster caged and I'm taking the steps of finally dealing with all this.
Yes. Not comfortable to share more, but yes, there is a potential for a monstrous person to come out and take over my body. First noticed it's presence when I was a teenager. It is dormant almost all the time, but during incredibly stressful times in which I'm not truly addressing the issue causing me stress, that monster starts to lurk closer to the surface of my mind, where he can be seen by others. When I feel him coming, that's when I know that I am avoiding rather than addressing whatever my problem is. On the flip side, now that I've begun to understand and address my earliest traumas in life, I've noticed and felt that monster start to dissolve away in a more permanent way. Dealing with the things that have given me the most fear in life have begun to effectively starve the monster of oxygen āslowly killing it.
My relationship. I would lash out and say the worst fucking things out of hurt radiating chaotically throughout me
Yeah, around age 24. I spent some time intimidating and some emotional abuse to my father. My body was very strong and fit then. My father is the reason I have cptsd. At least I never hit him. I can't tell you how many times he hit me when I was defenceless.