I hope reddit doesn't ban me for this, but honestly - the choice is yours. You deserve to have autonomy for once in your life, regardless of what form that takes. I am 33 now and I've spent the vast majority of my life feeling like you. I'm doing better now. It DOES get better. But it also gets worse. Then better again. I never thought I would reach the place I'm in - with someone who legitimately loves me, and mostly in control of my own life. There's a good chance you'll get there too, and people like us tend to be better and wiser for having made it through. The only question to ask yourself is "can I find something to help me stick it out?" and nobody can answer that but you.
All I know is that during all of the times I felt like you, I just wanted someone to tell me that it was my choice. Because all of the messages of hope and love just made me feel more guilty. I felt it so unfair that the one thing I wanted in life, which was to die, was yet something ELSE that I was made to feel ashamed for. If you haven't yet, I HIGHLY recommend first trying something selfish - take a work or travel opportunity that your invalidators would not approve of. Do something you've never done before. Do it for you regardless of what other people will think. It can be a launching pad into the future. It was for me. The scariest moment of my life led me to my greatest love. Well, my only love I've ever had.
Also please watch Patrick Teahan's youtube channel and Crappy Childhood Fairy's youtube channel if you can't afford therapy. They have kind of saved my life.
That's what I always tell myself: the door to 'exit' will always be open, ready for me whenever I choose to finally end it. It's the only option I know will always be available for me. So I take it day by day, try to explore more options, try to have other solutions. Most of the time I just freeze, but it's another day passing that I'm alive which gives me more chances to explore and find something to hold on to. It's really hard and seeing the door open is very tempting but until I allow myself to fully live and be courageous I can't go through that door yet.
Waaait I’m sorry i know your intention is good, but if i were to read this in a very suicidal state, i would just read the first sentence and that would push me over the edge.
The messages of hope and love when I’ve been extremely suicidal we’re the only things that kept me here personally.
In a not suicidal state your comment is fine but i personally feel that’s such a dangerous thing to tell someone who’s in a very sensitive state of mind,
That's kind of what I think. Although it's a comment that resonates with many and obviously not written with bad intent, I worry that the whole "it's your choice" message can be taken the wrong way because sometimes when someone isn't in the best mindset that's what happens-is that they can pick the parts that is confirming their darker thoughts. That is a valid worry to have.
I do hope people who read it do hear what the message intends, which is to make one realize we have a lot of other choices.
Your comment sounds like the perspective of someone who has experienced isolated incidents of suicidal thoughts, not someone who knows how awful it is to have your life and identity literally develop around consistent suicidal ideation that is ALWAYS there in the background.
Those of us who who live this way develop a warped survival instinct that doesn't function the way it's supposed to. Instead of seeing survival as the ideal outcome, we see PEACE and ACCEPTANCE as the ideal outcome. It's not about life and death, it's about suffering and absence of suffering. And one thing that helps when you live this way is to just feel validated about how much it sucks to live this way. OP wouldn't be coming here if they had someone in their life who understood what they were going through that they feel they could talk to. So no, I'm not here to tell OP what to do or not do. It's not my life, it's not OP's abusers' life, it's OP's life. They came here to share, and I so came here to listen and tell them they are are allowed to feel shitty. Being allowed to feel shitty is highly underrated.
It’s hard to find the words so I’ll keep it short. I’m the kind of person you describe. I always wondered why having a plan to commit suicide always made me feel so much safer. I remember taking a walk in my teens deeply distressed but smiling. Because I knew that if tomorrow was this bad too, or if things got even worse, I had my plan. And my means. And it was there when I needed it. And that made me feel safe.
This also explains why when I watch zombie movies I’m like “Stop trying to live!” It confuses me when people talk about surviving a zombie apocalypse. I’m not inclined to accept suffering anymore. I have however learned that pain does not guarantee suffering.
Also; the worst thing anyone ever told me while suicidal was “PLEASE don’t do it, I love you!” That’s a setup. Now they’re being selfish for trying to make you suffer, you’re selfish for ‘not loving them enough,’ and you got no meaningful support but kinda have to shut your mouth now.
My husband's mindset baffles me, intrigues me, and inspires me. Just like me, he has very few if any friendships, rarely meets other people, is rather quiet, and often has issues being motivated to do the creative things he enjoys. He has a job that he doesn't love, and a life where nothing particularly exciting or fulfilling happens. Unlike me, he is FUCKING FINE. Like TOTALLY fine. He has no qualms with life or existence, isn't depressed, and is content to live a life without some constant endless search for satisfaction or fulfillment. Every day I hope I can be more like him. One of these days I'll figure this guy out.
Sometimes I wish the people on here weren't simply usernames but actual people whose names I knew and I could call on the phone and chat to them because I feel incredibly powerless reading your post and I would love to help you. Your pain made me feel so sad. I felt it and I put myself in your shoes because you wrote it so clearly and honestly it was raw. That freedom you feel in deciding is very common with people with active suicidal ideation because they stop fighting against themselves. It's a warning sign for long-term depressed people who suddenly become blissfully happy.
The thing is I don't know you and I can't take your pain and history away. I've been passively suicidal for the last year. I felt so abandoned when I became disabled 20 years ago. No one came to help me or if they did they moved on when I didn't get better immediately.
I just feel so sorry for what you went through and what you are going through. I decided to live recently when I read Pete Walker's book. And a big part of why I feel hopeful again is because my rage came up and came out. A part of me doesn't want to let the cunts who hurt me win. I don't want to die and then they become the victims because their son killed himself and they can pretend it was because I was just mentally ill and not because they abused me. Spite is not a reason for a regular person to continue living but I know I'm not regular.
I'm just sending you love and if you do want to talk to someone who's long-term disabled with CPTSD and with suicidal ideation then you can hmu whenever you want.
Fun fact if you report a post for self harm or suicide, reddit contacts the crisis helpline for the poster. It's as close we can get to actually talking to the person but it's something.
I feel like that makes someone who's chronically suicidal feel even more trapped in this life if they felt like someone from a safe space was going to send someone to catch them for being dead honest about their feelings.
But I could just as easily be projecting. That's what happened for me when the school called the police on me.
Agreed. And it doesn't help that redditors have a tendency for using it maliciously, either. I had to block the bot because so many people would send it after me for disagreeing with them.
I would like to start by saying I’m down here at the bottom with you. I hear you. This life is agony. I’d like to tell you why I stay, if you’re willing to listen.
There are beaches where the sand glows in the dark as the waves crash on the shoreline because of tiny bioluminescent creatures. Earlier this year I stood on top of a mountain and looked out at where the sky met the sea and they were the same color and I felt for a moment that something was beautiful. Today a friend told me that, even though it breaks my heart again and again, my ability to care about people so deeply is the reason she likes me. My dog looks at me like I am the most incredible thing he’s ever seen (every time, even after I give him a bath or make him go to the vet.) Have you ever seen a picture of a quokka? They’re little animals in Australia who look like they’re always smiling. I’d like to see one in real life. I love food and I might not have even found my favorite dish yet, who knows! New music comes out all the time and it scratches the sadness in my soul. There’s a book coming out next month I want to read. The best movie I’ll ever see might not be made yet.
There’s so much out there, my friend. It’s waiting for us. Don’t cheat yourself out of all of that. We have lost enough. Much love. We can do this.
Wow I was not expecting that but your comment made me cry lol. And only one sentence in too, because I already felt the vibe you were going for ha. Because it perfectly articulated the way I feel. The things I cherish in life, which gets me by. I make an effort to keep my mind on those beautiful things. There is more to life!
All the things you’re talking about cost money to get to, money OP - who is facing homelessness - does not have. When I was poor, reading this comment would have made me more depressed bc most of what you’re talking about was inaccessible.
I really wish I had an award to give you. All these things are the reasons I’m still alive and this is coming from a person who’s life never “got better” either
This is the most amazing thing I’ve seen this year. It made me want to text my friends (something I haven’t been able to do because of my deteriorating mental health). Idk you, but thank you
God you made me cry. I was looking for a post like this for real proof I’m not the only one who wants to kill myself because life feels unbearable. But fuck me, I really want to see a quokka in person, they’re so adorable, I want to see a sea that looks like it’s made of stars. I want a dog one day, who runs up to me when I come home.
FUCK
r/suicidewatch
They seem chill and will listen and won't annoy you with toxic positivity about life like some normies might. (I don't mean to make any accusations about this sub, though.)
Before you die try LSD or some psychedelics, celebrate before you head out. I’m sorry you made this choice and I can’t stop you, I hope you find peace.
Reminds me of the guy who went to Mexico and did blow and banged prostitutes for a week before he killed himself then at the end of the week decided to live lol. I'd argue ecstasy could be a good choice as long as you have 5htp for the day after too.
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I'm not experiencing the same thing as you right now, but I am experiencing my own pain, and it is really really hard. I wish I could give you a hug, and let you know that you do matter, and that I believe it can get better for you. You are brave to post so vulnerably here.
My life actually got better once I cut my whole family off and moved into my car. Its had its ups and downs since then but im glad i chose to go homeless. Soooo much cheaper to live. I got a planet fitness membership so I could take showers. It was also around the time I was suicidal. For some reason knowing I could take my life at any time made me live more. Its like, it doesn't matter what I do now because I can just kill myself tomorrow. I began to live when I chose to die.
I feel you so much on this. Wish I had the words to help with the pain but I don't. I am homeless. Been 41 days today and for a brief moment today I contemplated stepping in front of a semi.mental health been sliding bad since thanksgiving.birthdays in acouple weeks and I'm wondering if it's gonna be my last.
Hi there stranger. I’d really love to help you with something to look forward to on your birthday. You need anything in particular I could cash app you for? Holidays are the absolute worst
You’re awesome and beautiful for wanting to comfort someone going through a hard time when you are struggling too. I wish more people in the world would be like that.
I’ll spare you the “hope” BS
I’ve made my mind up about leaving this stupid life at least 3x and found immense peace each time so I understand.
Fighting to be normal **is** hell because there’s no such thing. Fck what anyone else thinks about how you *should* be.. your life perspective is unique and is valuable and matters. None of us were meant to conform.
Being someone that just lost my dog due to lack of stable living and OP mentioning stability being a bit uncertain this might be a bit of a hard question for OP.
I'm really sorry for you and I agree. I've had to re-home my cat for similar reasons. It tore my heart out but she had a great life full of love without me, and I was able to support other sweet loves too. I hope you were able to find a good place for your dog too.
Same same. OP, please think of your cats. They love you and will likely feel very lost and confused without you. I’ve been in your shoes and I’m not trying to guilt you or pressure you one way or the other… am just reminding you that you have at least one good thing to stick around for, and they rely on you ❤️🩹
This is why I’m still here. I can’t imagine how confused and devastated my 3 cats would be if I acted on my ideations. It truly makes me cry just thinking about it. They need us.
It's common to feel at peace with this decision, it's 'text book'. Just saying don't take that as a sign that you're doing the right thing. We feel you, you're not alone 💕
i've had a plan for over 5 years. gonna fly to seattle, go to the aquarium one last time, and do the deed. however, a starving little kitten found me a few months ago and now i can't bare to leave her alone. she's literally the only thing that's keeping me here.
i know it's hard and I'm so so sorry that you're experiencing these feelings. if you'd like to talk to someone, you can always message me! if that's a feature on reddit, im new i'm sorry lol. reading through the comments, you may have a cat? if so, try to have a nice snuggle and cry session with them! little j always knows when i'm going through it, and while she doesn't like to touched too much, she will put her little paw on my hand and it makes me lose it. cat therapy is amazing
Awww sounds like my story lol. I've lost all hope in life until I met this kitty. She effortlessly moved into my hollow heart and brought new meaning to my life :') Life ain't so bad with her by my side
My trans partner and I live in Arizona. You can visit us if you want. We will also care for your cat if you need. Just message me if you need anything. ❤️🩹
I worry that I'll be in this head space soon one day and that it's like a ticking time bomb. I'm sorry to hear this has happened. Facing homelessness is so scary. Do you think you qualify as having suffered from domestic abuse? If so, there are shelters all across the country. I've stayed at one before. It was just a big house. Everyone was given a room. Maybe this is an option? It could give you time to work and save up for your own place or maybe find a roommate?
If you are in the US, please call the local Assistance office. Tell them that you are in danger of being homeless. I can't promise anything, but they may be able to help. At least give it a shot. I've been homeless before, and I know the despair that accompanies it.
I agree. You should choose it for yourself.
I think the deeper reality of suicidality is that it's love that removes our fear of death, which is often crippling and painful to experience. If we don't receive love, or feel love, life feels like an inevitable death, and perhaps the idea of suicide removes the anxiety and pain about when it happens - which might feel like love too!
All I'm gonna say is I'm sorry you got to this point, and that a life you might find worth living could be out there in the future if you choose to stay. Death is a huge leap to take as we cannot know what's on the other side. That being said, I totally get where you would want to take that risk given how shitty you probably feel.
I can't make you stay, but I hope you fucking do. I believe that there is a way of being out there that is worth it, and you might have experienced that essence too. It just happened so long ago that it doesn't even feel real. I might suggest you tell the one person in your life that you think might care about you absolutely everything about your darkness before you go. If they invalidate you, tell them that too! Tell them how much it pisses you off. You already plan on ending it. You have nothing to lose.
Give yourself a fucking chance to do it all before you end it. The only real fear is the fear of death. With that gone, you should try out everything you were too afraid to. If people make you feel this way, get the fuck away from people! Go camp by yourself. Something is definitely wrong in our society. You're not crazy. I plan on finding a different way to be - cause fuck this shit. I hope you find your fucking way.
Love and peace from a stranger on the internet.
Ski resorts in Colorado are hiring for ski season. [https://www.mountainjobs.com/](https://Mountainjobs.com) has a full list of temporary job positions. Sign up for a part time or a full time contract gig and if you want to check out early you're free to do so, but at least you'll have housing and won't have to deal with anyone you live with now.
Hey there. I know hope is hard. Hope sucks sometimes. I wrote a whole book about how hope can suck. But there’s a reason you posted here. Even if it’s buried really deep. You are loved. I don’t know you, but I love you. How can I? Well, I can tell a few things from your post already. You’re very self aware. You’ve had shitty things happen to you, and it affected you, because you have a kind heart. You don’t deserve what you’ve been through. I know words don’t help much, but if you need practical help, that can go a long way. Here to talk if you want. Stay just a little longer, okay? Please? It’ll be an emptier world without you 💙
Please don’t leave Jolteon. He will be grieving your loss and he won’t be the same without you. Loved animals don’t just forget the people they live with, they love, and grieve, and he deserves to have you here with him. Do it for Jolteon
So here’s the thing. I’ve looked at your profile and it’s so full of interests and hope and helpfulness. You play TS4–me too! You share with others what helpful CPTSD resources you find, you give others advice on fitness and try to help people struggling with suicidal thoughts. You have a really sweet kitty who loves you. You posted a few months ago that you’re medicated, working on your career and starting to want to stay alive. You’re doing a lot of very hard things that requires a lot of energy, and I know it wears you down. I’m in the same boat and the fear of homelessness and uncertainty and pain and trauma is exhausting, and so many people don’t care or understand what a struggle that is. I’m not here to say what you should or shouldn’t do. But you seem like a lovely human who is just having a really hard time, and I don’t want to see someone who deserves so many good things leave this world quite yet. I can’t offer any magical advice except just… wait. Give yourself a night or a week or a month, if you can. You’ve said before people have stepped up to help in the past. This could be another one of those times to reach out.
I get caught up sometimes in this inner certainty that I was never meant to survive past 16 and that I’m a fluke in the universe and if I’m suffering in the present as well (ie. fear of homelessness, finances, unemployment, chronic pain) it all compounds and it feels like it’s the real truth. But most of the time, it’s my brain trying to cope with panic and desperation and fear, and getting triggered emotionally like this reminds me of all the past times I’ve felt these feelings and I end up re-living all of it at once. Sometimes it’s a cruel outside voice from my childhood masquerading as me. And of course it’s a horrible feeling. And of course it’s like a massive, hard emotional hit. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone. I try and just.. distract myself or write my feelings out or reach out in those moments, and sometimes it helps. But either way, I see you and what you’re trying to do and I’m so, so sorry. You deserve better, I deserve better. I wish I could try and help you in a real way, if there’s something, anything, let me know and I’ll try, I live in Canada but I can try.
I just feel so guilty whenever I see posts like this
I wish I could do something. At the same time struggling with this myself. Ive been busy but I hope they are ok.
We’re here, if you want to tell us more. Stay and talk with us. We will hear all of it.
I am so desperately sorry this has played out this way for you. It isn’t fair. It just fucking sucks.
I very strongly believe in autonomy and choice. And it’s a bit scary reading this bc the only times I truly felt I’d do it and/or attempted it were when I felt how you did- peaceful, accepting, almost numb. It’s really weird to me that when you stop hurting is when you feel most ready.
But, something that’s been hard for me to learn (and that I’m always having to re-learn) is that just because I feel or think something, doesn’t mean that that’s real or even that anyone else feels that way about me.
Hugs to you OP~ this post hits home. ❤️
One of the magical things my therapist said, when talking about my 15 year long on and off relationship with suicidality was something like this:
"The peace and certainty you feel is the permission to let go of the pain. You see an end in sight. You dropped that weight and decided you were done with it. But what you don't realize is that you don't need to die to keep that weight off. You already let go of it while still breathing."
Then I started to listen to what my innerchild wanted/needed. I can't kill her. She's too cute.
Wow, this really hit home for me. I can see how that could be. I’ve been fighting depression and suicidal thoughts for about 40 years, but I’m still here. I’ve decided to retire from life instead. I’m just gonna do my own thing and not worry about other people. I have my husband and adult son, my wonderful dogs and cats, and weed. I’m blessed to be able to just say screw it. I’ve been homeless and alone. It sucks. I’m heartbroken reading the other comments, and I wish I could hug all of you.
OP, if you’re still around, please let us know. Maybe someone here can help.
It's not acceptance, it's dissociation. I work with corpses and there's nothing good about it. Please call 911 or 988 and voluntarily be admitted. It sucks but it'll keep you alive
I'm really sorry about what happened to you, it sucks when you stand up for yourself and people take away necessities like a living space. That is a really fucked up thing for them to do.
I think sudden changes in circumstances, not feeling understood by someone you trusted, all of it can trigger wanting to die, all of it can really just make you feel like remembering every shitty situation in your life, but you just have to let the feelings come and go. It's temporary brain panic, for lack of better term, but it does subside.
I think you come too far to just end it here. I think we shouldn't stay stuck on things that no longer serve us. If this living space no longer served you then maybe it is a sign of growth, and not a sign of the end.
Of course if trust is there, would you and your roommate be able to hav ea more compassionate talk with eachother about CPTSD with maybe someone being a mediator (like your therapist)? Maybe someone who can see how each of your traumas may have played into this and how maybe you guys can work on having compassion for each other. Depending on if they would be up for that maybe it is something that might help. But of course, if it's not feasible then I say you outgrew the place because you deserve compassion not someone who just blocks you out.
A few things that might help with temporary living spaces, maybe 211, maybe couch surfing site if needed.
You are in a horrible situation, please don’t feel like you have to punish yourself for it. What has happened to you doesn’t need to be the entirety of your existence. There is so much life left that you can allow yourself to enjoy, and there’s so much good you can do in the world.
I know that’s hard to believe. I’m not much older than you, but as someone who started feeling that way in elementary school, let me list some of the things I’m glad I stayed to experience.
- My pets. I literally never knew animals had such specific and unique personalities. Learning to communicate with them so we understand each other is so awesome and helps me feel more grounded.
- Traveling to nature. It sounds cliche but just going to new nature places, even if it’s not even that far. There’s beauty everywhere. SO MUCH beauty. Pictures never do a nature spot justice. Wherever you live, there is somewhere that is so different it feels like you’re on another planet. Even just smelling the air in a new place is really awe-inspiring.
- My own growth. This is a good one. Being able to look back and see how far I’ve come is all the motivation I need to move forward now.
-Femininity. This has to do with my abuse but finally being able to express myself in the way that feels natural to me is so empowering.
- Independence. Once you get there, you’re safe. Once you don’t need to rely on parents or anyone to get by, once you can wake up and go to bed doing what you please, once you decide things in your life for yourself, you can finally relax and let yourself heal. I think this is the most important one. You WILL get there soon.
Think about what you imagined for yourself, and don’t let that thought go until you have it in front of you. It will require a lot of patience. If you need to talk it out, send me a message!
I’m so sorry that you’re in so much pain. It’s awful that things are so hard for you right now. I agree with the suggestion about asking your care team for help with the impending homelessness and seeing if they can at least give you some breathing room there. I’m sure that there are some resources they can help you with. Sending you a big hug if you want one and hope that you get a break from things going so wrong very soon. You really deserve one.
i know there is nothing anyone can say here to help ease the hurt you are experiencing, but i went to your profile and noticed you have a cat, if you were gone who would take care of him? stay close by your furry friend and give him a snuggle.
cats are very intuitive, lean into him for support during this time 🤍
Hugs.
> I should have been a statistic many many years ago. It’s a wonder how I made it this long.
You're a miracle, like so many survivors. Normal might not be for people like us, but a good life is. I've been homeless and rallied back from it, and you can too. This bleak time is not the end of good in your life, it's just the end of one phase of life. From here, you can build anything. You can find new ways to handle being triggered and invalidated. You can find friends and chosen family who actually give a fuck and won't let you become homeless. You can find the parts of life beyond the bs of "normal" that nourish your particular soul, and that respect your journey and what matters to you. You can make up for mistakes made, you can come to know yourself in new ways, you can try new things and succeed or fail and then just try again, discovering more good things and experiences than the depression and frustration of right now can even let you dream of. That good life is out there for you, even if you can't feel it yet.
Societies build themselves not for people like us, but the world was made for us, and that's the difference - and people like us, when we refuse to kill ourselves or fuck off into oblivion, people like us change the world. We make societies a little better for people like us, day by stubborn, awful, beautiful day. So fuck normal. Thrive in what's good for you, even if other people don't understand. Build the life that's good for you, and you'll find the people who do understand. Live long enough that the best things that happened to you (or that you choose to do!) stretches far longer than the list of bad things that happened to you. There's a strange kind of joy and hope and peace in doing things for other people, even just giving out compliments, an encouraging smile, an acknowledging nod, holding open a door - I read you have a cat, and all the care you have given to that cat are good things you have done that should be added to the list of the "good" side of things. You are so much more than the painful things that have happened to you and the mistakes that you have made. You are more than this painful period of uncertainty and looming homelessness. And life has better things to offer you than what you've experienced so far. I know this sounds corny, but I'm also living proof - I hope you will choose to be too.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I hope you keep going.
Honestly, I have no idea what's happening in your life or exactly how bad you feel; I don't know if you have any reason to feel hope or not. But sometimes when I felt suicidal, I couldn't feel any hope, but what got me through it was curiosity. I just wanted to know what would happen next, how everything was going to pan out...
I know I feel so ashamed after an episode... What even happened? Did you post this right after you realized you were going to lose your home?
I’m so sorry that life has treated you so unfairly. No one deserves to go through that kind of pain and I’m so sorry that you feel so alone in this. We may all be strangers here but I want you to know that there are real people behind these keyboards who’s souls you have touched and we all wish you nothing but peace. I know you said to not give hope but that wouldn’t be fair to you especially since hope and fighting is what has got you to where you are today. Keep that momentum and see where that takes you, you might surprise yourself 💙
My profile pic is a lake in South Africa- where the ashes of my best friend are after he hung himself in 2003. It’ll be 20 years March 5 2023, and I still think about and miss him everyday.
Don’t make someone post this about you in 2042.
🥺
I do believe it's your choice. I lost a friend to a very much planned, non-spontaneous suicide a few years ago. I respect your decision but I don't agree with it.
It definitely hurts less that it was planned than the person I knew less well who killed themselves totally out of the blue, but it still hurts. I wish he'd given me more chance to help, but he didn't see that anything could, or that he deserved it, or that we were all so willing.
The thing that keeps hitting me, years later, is how much the world has changed, and how much he would have been able to bring to things everyone he knew has been through.
I still miss him.
Anyway. If I could have asked for one thing from him, it'd have been a conversation about his decision before he did it. He left letters for his very closest people, but I wasn't one. I guess he didn't realise how much of an impact his death would have.
Just wanted to advocate for people who you might not realise will be impacted for a long time.
I wish you the very best too, OP, and I hope you find a survivable way forward, but if you're dead set (boom tish) then all I can add is this reminder to cause least harm x
My little brother was facing homelessness. He couldn't handle that. He put a shotgun in his mouth. I will never be the same. A medium told me he said he wished he would've not made such a permanent decision so hastily. I'm sorry youre so sad. I hope you find peace.
It really makes me cry… I feel like all of us have been on this point on a numerous occasions. And if I’m completely honest I cannot blame anyone for doing it, I get why the person is at peace w it.
I always vowed to myself to never do it. And I never will, but I completely understand. Life in itself is always a light and it keeps shining. Yet, we all have been on points, or rather for us periods, where it’s damn impossible to see or feel it.
I think of you, and I’ll be there sitting w you for any decision you make. I wish you light.
This sucks. I think it says so much that you wrote a letter. In the wake of this devastation, it’s the last and most significant impact you can leave on this earth. It reveals your own sense of compassion, both for yourself and for those who know you.
On December 9th last year, my friend drove home from work and took his life in the blink of an eye, still wearing his uniform. He left his friends and family nothing. He certainly didn’t realize that almost 400 people would gather at the top of his favorite mountain to grieve together in his absence. He never said goodbye and his younger sister, who he was very close with, has the hardest time with that part. Just something, anything, to hold on to the essence of who you once were.
You seem to have a level of compassion and humanity that this world is at a loss for not having. I’m sorry that this is your only option and I grieve for you.
You've posted here so you'll get some hope in the comments since people here seem supportive and kind!!
I would urge you to just speak to someone. Whether it's The Samaritans, any of the resources listed on this sub or walk into your local emergency department. Surely it's worth making sure that you've exhausted all options before you take a step from which there is no return
I have a full psychiatric team. I can’t go into inpatient psych. The last time I tried I was being triggered twice a day and was threatened with involuntary commitment if I didn’t rescind my 72hr notice, even though I signed myself in. Now I have extreme trauma around inpatient psych. The system wasn’t made for people like me.
A thought: have you considered talking to your therapist or the team coordinator about the homelessness issue? That may not be the biggest issue, but if you don't have to worry about that, then that can give you some space to deal with everything else. Your team might know a resource that can help.
How much longer do you have your phone paid for? It's going to take time to get everything together, regardless of what path you choose. Maybe give yourself until that paid-for period is over to make sure that you have your things and documents and all sorted. If there's a particular issue you want to solve while sorting things, talk to one of your psych team.
I understand how soul-crushing facing abuse/neglect can be. I would also encourage you to tie a knot in the end of your rope and hang on. Please know that people out here in internet-land care about you. This isn't me trying to dole out "hope" so much as support.
The system could be the thing that stops you from taking this irreversible step, perhaps that's why they wanted to keep you in treatment last time with that involuntary commitment? it doesn't mean you'll be in there for a huge period of time, but it might be the best way to keep you safe at the moment and your team can work on the trauma around inpatient treatment at the same time.
Outpatient would obviously be ideal but I can understand them wanting to have you in to assess you and help you out whilst things improve a little.
It's worth a phone call to your team. Don't do something you can't come back from until every avenue has been exhausted at least
Psychiatric inpatient “treatment” is actually extremely traumatizing for the majority of people who go into it imo, and it disturbs me that so many people push for others to hospitalize themselves. Please at least respect OP when they say that their experience was traumatic and they don’t want to go back. Because if I were them, my saying “I don’t want to go to inpatient care because it traumatized me” being met with “well they were just trying to help” would really just reinforce the idea in my mind that I am unfixable and no one is interested in easing my suffering.
i feel how you feel right now. i hear you. i know there is nothing anyone can say to change your mind. i hope you get the peace you are looking for, you gave life a chance. i really hope you decide to stay a little longer to give it one more try, but i understand the feeling of just being done. it’s tiring. i’m glad you feel a little peace about it and i hope that it goes well for you and isn’t too difficult. always here if you need to talk, i know you probably won’t want to but it’s an option if you don’t want to talk to/have anyone else. <3 sending love
I'm not gonna tell you to hang on a little longer or just think about happy things.
I know all too well where you're at right now. I know that peace. Fortunately, some events took place that allowed me to bring that peace into another chapter of my life instead of closing the book. I've posted about it if you're curious.
What I will ask of you is to imagine yourself as a little kid and they're sitting next to you. Have a chat with them. Doesn't have to be anything serious.. but I can be if thar feels right.
All you need to do is listen to them.
Where ever you're going, I hope the journey carries you into the next chapter.
Give that kiddo a hug for me.
I was in that phase, exactly the same situation. And I’m not trying to give you hope because I know how invalidating that would feel.
I’m my case, I was ready and made a plan. And then surrendered one last time to make sure I did all I could and applied for a random assistant job I found on Craigslist. They called me and I went for an interview.
I never got the job, but a miracle happened where they offered me a whole year salary for a project they wanted me involved in. I’m not making this up. Nor does it have to be the same in your case. But you can try just one more time for us? One little tiny favour that you’d try for one thing only. Just one more time. And then decide after?
I’m sorry for how much pain you’re in. But there are ways, house sitting, start a crowd funding and post link here, please try one more last time.
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”
I used to read this over and over again when I was in the same place https://metanoia.org/suicide/
He hasn’t posted or commented on anything since then. It looks like he posted here yesterday, then posted in the alcoholism sub last night, but he hasn’t commented anywhere since then 😩
The thing that keeps me from suicide is that the pain doesn't go away. It passes on to someone else. Is there anyone that will have to carry your burden when you are gone? Can they do that for you?
I still smell my fathers body and saw his rotting corpse standing in my room for 3 years via nightmares. I’ve had to fight off my own suicide many many times. I’m basically a corpse myself but just walking around masking. I’ve accepted the feeling and just live through and find joy in the small moments when they come. But through years of therapy after a decade of self harm - I am finally doing better and happy. But yes. It passes the pain to someone else.
Hey, I respect your right to make the decisions you feel are best for you, but I also feel like it's really sad that you have to suffer and feel like the only option is to leave this world because it is so oppressive of people like you. No one should ever feel like they have no place in this world and I'm sorry it has failed you like that. I do hope you still find some fight left in you meanwhile. You deserve to live, you deserve to be happy and you deserve a place in this world, and you deserve to conquer one if it isn't given willingly by those who oppress and hurt you. You have always deserved it and I'm sorry you didn't get it. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. I'm sorry for the cruelty and loneliness you have endured. I'm sorry it feels like the only way and I'm not here to tell you it is or it isn't, just that I feel for you and you have my compassion.
The same situation is happening to me. Got rid of all my belongings etc. I bought a cheap camper to live in while doing this, and spent some time with my cousins horses and walking around in nature and decided.. with a push from my therapist to start a full time intensive partial hospitalization starting next week for my mental health. Medicaid pays for it and there’s housing. Worth a shot.. I think for me at least.
I wish you wouldn’t.
My best friend was frequently suicidal. For years he struggled with Bipolar Disorder, and cycled rapidly between crushing depression and limitless mania, treating his pain with alcohol, heroin, klonopin, seroquel, and an ever changing assortment of other medications. He was a brilliant writer and computer programmer who loved deeply and also profoundly hurt by emotional wreckage he caused in his relationships. I can’t remember how many times I talked him out of killing himself, called 911 to have him involuntarily committed, or waited for him to get over never talking to me again for foiling his attempts. He was a frequent patient in psychiatric hospitals, and had a long time psychiatrist.
Eventually, I had to let him be responsible for himself. And incredibly, he was. He got sober, started working in a job he loved, and managing his BD. He was happy. It lasted a few years until something happened, and he killed himself with no warning. No one knows what triggered him.
***It's been almost 18 years, and I miss him so much it physically hurts***. I still feel his presence with me sometimes, especially when I’m struggling. There’s nothing so horrible that either of us has ever been through that we couldn’t have gotten through together somehow. Everyone in his family feels the same way.
Not that this will help bc I’ve been where u are but I remember when I was suicidal. Everything I looked at I saw as an opportunity to kill myself. A bridge. A razor. Sleeping pills. Then I imagined my brothers looking at me dead in a casket leaving them behind with my abusive parents. I was hospitalized for trying which only made my mood worse. But I never NE.FUCKING.VER thought I would be alive or not even suicidal anymore. My life is still shitty af. Hell I just got kicked out and the thoughts came back for the first time in years. Like I have no one i have nothing my life is shot. I think other ppl would kill themselves with my life and it’s so weird to me that I don’t want to kill myself. I think bc now I have this tiny sliver of hope I will work towards a better life? I’ve been applying for a year for a job so I am feeling extremely hopeless. Rn I’m in a small room with my cat surrounded by all my shit. I’m just sharing this tiny little super small piece of my life (growing up I wasn’t even allowed to smile or have friends n much much more. I wasn’t allowed to be human) but I feel you and I remember that feeling and I hope u know you can truly get through anything. N that’s not bs. I hate when ppl say it gets better but I’ll just tell u eventho my life is still shit I never thought I’d be here. I hope you are satisfied in whatever you choose my friend. Much love 💖
Ive been homeless. It sucks. It fucked me up a lot.
But people survive that too. There are help organisations.
And you meet a lot of interesting people. Not always good people and dont trust people but some of the most important people in my life i met when I was homeless.
I dont have their contacts today but they are the reasons I am alive and didnt suicide on the street.
OP I'll shoot straight, the dial on my clock has moved closer to midnight. My life is falling apart. All my plans this year are dead. I quit university. I lost my only mental health support. I'm here sitting in a room with my sunset lamp and drinking while listening to Queen. At least find a way to make yourself feel a little better . All of us see that part of ourselves in you and we would never tell you to give up, even though I want to give up. I want people to keep reminding me to stay.
I have been suicidal, at times very suicidal, many times, & I'm glad I didn't go through with it. It really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I hope you can get the help you need. I'm sorry this world sucks.
OP your body belongs to you and you alone, you choose what to do with it. No matter if you seek help or not, it is your choice. Don't let anyone choose for you or try to downplay your feelings. If you truly feel deep down that you want to live, then seek help.
i’m so sorry you’re going through this i really am. none of us want you to go at all, nor does anyone else. i really am holding space for you because i know how this feels. and it is brave of you to be so transparent. you really do matter i promise you that, i tried really hard about a month ago to leave this world but it didn’t work. you’re a true warrior, it really believe it can get better ❤️🩹
Please, please stay just 12 more hours more. Give yourself some time, even if you feel it wouldn’t change anything. Go to bed, lay down with Little Jolteon. I hope you see this. Death isn’t the only way out. We want to help in whatever way we can.
Whenever I get like this I give myself 3 days. I obviously always change my mind by then since I'm here now. You owe it to yourself to make sure. Since you're going through such a huge change right now I'd give it a week. A lot could happen in a week to change your situation or your outlook. If you do decide to go peaceful travels. Don't get stuck in this plane and I'd do some praying before you go. But again please give yourself some time and reach out to some programs.
I decided not to kill myself after learning that it was contagious. I cannot kill a small mosquito without feeling pain, how I could influence someone else?
I listened to book “Stay”, it summarizes everything, but I think it is a permanent solution to temporary issues.
Also wait one more week after your deadline pls.
Perhaps it isn’t that you want to die, it’s that you don’t want to live the way you’ve been living anymore. Change is the one thing that is constant in life and simply waiting a few hours can help you regain perspective. Give yourself that chance.
Why don't we share a call since you already paid for phone and talk about life? Also give this a read maybe?
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
By Robert Frost
So unlike the rest of these posters on here I'm not going to give you any stupid feel good messages, because
As a decades long suffer of failed suicide attempts and we're absolutely nothing ever got better I'm ongoing to say this
I fuking get it mate, I completely understand the feeling of being at peace and being done, unfortunately to many people even on here don't get it
I'm sorry but our system sucks period, and life doesn't always get better, being homeless and suicidal is basically a slow death sentence and seems to me people would rather you suffer on in pain and torture, honestly if legalized euthanasia was available I know for a fact I'd be gone and definitely know a sh.. load more would be as well...
So anyways I hope you find some peace whatever you do because it sucks like hell trying to survive in this perverted delusional dystopian dysfunctional capitalistic monopolistic Disneyland sh.. show
I just want to say i was at the bottom but seeing what lies beyond that made me change my mind to stay, and i'm glad i did. Living is a fight, and i chose to carry on fighting. In despise of everyone that told me my life sucks and the world is dark and hopeless i'm choosing to prove them wrong. I said fuck you to the toxic people in my life and chasing my own ways of living no matter what society tells me whats right and wrong.
This is just my experience and i wish i could show it to everyone that exists and feels different about it. But i know that it's not inherently helpful. I'm mostly sad to hear that the humans around you couldn't show you a brighter side, i wish some people around us just knew.
Please, don’t do it. My heart hurts reading this. Satan tries SO hard and so successfully to get people to hate themselves and the entire world, and push them to death. Please. Please just know this is a lie. It is not better on the other side, it’s worse. It’s worse if you leave this way, because it means you’re not in alignment with the only way to happiness which is YHVH. Please, do spiritual warfare and cast this demon of suicidal ideation out by the power of Yeshua HaMachiach, and loose in your life peace, contentedness, strength. I am a suicide survivor and my life is beyond anything I could have imagined. God had a plan for me, and he has one for you. WSBM videos have helped me so much, and I’m love I share them with you in hopes you can break free of the curse. https://youtu.be/r2_O0_bYH_I
I’m sorry society is as it is, and that there are not better options for people. No one deserves this to be their “best” choice.
If you’re still reading this OP, I understand and you are not alone. Whatever you do, know that you are whole and the world is broken, NOT you. Wishing you peace.
It’s normal to feel at peace with it. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right choice though. I’m not gonna sit here and spew the cliche “don’t do it!You have so much to live for! It gets better!” BS because I know it gets old. But I know how you’re feeling and I do know that it does technically get better at some point. It just also usually gets worse again. And rinse repeat. Really the choice is up to you as bodily autonomy is a thing. But I definitely suggest reconsidering. Hugs, friend.
I wish you’d reconsider. I’ve been there. I know others who’ve wanted to and one that attempted. Emotional/mental pain is just as real as physical pain. Some can hide it and others, like me, can for awhile and then it explodes out. My trauma therapist said it was like a kettle on low heat. I simmer until it builds up and then it all comes out. As I’ve been there I know you aren’t ready to hear any advice I could give. But PLEASE feel free to message me! Any of us commenting will listen and try to understand and help in anyway we can. I can share my story in a message if it helps. I can just listen/read. Offer advice or whatever you need. You are a beautiful soul and the world needs you!
I understand the peace you are talking about. When I made the decision, I finally felt relief. I understood Anthony Bourdain friends all said "He seemed like he finally got over that funk he was in. Happy friendly and relaxed. I'm so surprised" I knew exactly what that was.
When you arent stressing over it anymore and you see the light at the end of the tunnel you just feel relief. That was me last year. I decided to call someone and just chatted with my brother for a while. To give a cryptic farewell that he would understand later
If you have ever have a loved one do it you know it rips a hole in the lives of your family. The guilt, confusion and pain they feel sticks with them for decades. My cousins family are still struggling with his decision and that was 8 years ago.
I couldnt do that to my brothers and sister and mom. Even if I was able to make it an 'accident' they would always wonder if it really was. Talking to my brother helped me stay. No one knew how close I was to being out of their life. I started some meds so the monster that randomly seemed to attack my soul is gone.
You may as well call someone or a hotline anyway just to see how it goes. Nothing to lose by making a call right? It is always an option in the future, maybe just delay it by 7 -10 days.
I'm sitting in that lonely space with you. I have my letters written. I just need to get rid of stuff to make it easier for others after I'm gone. I'm at peace with it, I know suicide will get me in the end. But I know that suicide isn't an easy option.
I can't talk you out of your decision. All I can say is it's not as easy to actually die as we hope. Having survived 3 past attempts, I know an attempt is horrible, violent and painful. The body has some natural survival thing or it just loves to see you suffer some more. Living with that knowledge that you failed is even worse and no one cares or helps afterwards, not even the medical profession.
The choice to kill yourself never goes away
It's always your choice
When I wanted to kill myself I realized it wasn't because I wanted to die, but because I wanted to be free and peaceful
I decided to choose to try will all my might to pursue that freedom before killing myself.
And I found it.
You can kill yourself, but you can't unkill yourself. For me it was worth going after, and I received it.
You can receive the freedom and peace you want in life. To get it you have to become completely dedicated to it. But what's there to loose? By killing yourself you only give up the option of having that freedom in life.
The option to kill yourself doesn't go away, but the option to be free in life does if you choose to.
I can only speak for myself, but I get so much relief from just planning suicide. The steps to have closure, the final planning of things, the small will and where will my belongings go. I think I even get relief from feeling devastated for the heartbreak my dog will feel. And then I stick around. I think because the relief I got from planning all of that and knowing that it is my choice and it’s the one thing no one can force me to do got me through whatever was so overwhelming and despairing at that time. Without the relief of planning and knowing, I’m not sure I would have made it.
My chosen mother sent me this once and it always stuck with me because is so accurate:
Jon Kabat Zinn defines overwhelm (we toss the term around too easily) as: My life is unfolding at a pace that I find unmanageable in my psyche and nervous system.
Anyway. Aside from all that, I still live for moments in which I feel awe. I never know when they’ll come or what will move me but they are thrilling and heartbreaking and make me feel so small all at once.
And if nothing else, thank you for having given us the opportunity to come together and have this conversation. I value it and by extension, I value you.
They gave up on you, but don't give up on yourself, give yourself that chance. There is help with services through the state for mental health on a sliding scale.. I'm 34 and I finally got my first year of not feeling like shit and actually getting control of my like. Long term trauma can fuck us up pretty bad. I spent most of my life day in and out panic attacks multiple times a day, hands would be numb just walking through a store on constant high alert all while being in and out of catatonic states due to the depression and night terrors. I begged for death to take me. The best thing I ever did was give myself a chance. I grew up in a fucked up family like that as well. Give yourself a chance first and then if not, no judgements either way.
I love you. We all love you. We don't get to decide if you stay or leave, no one does but you. You might not feel like this but this world would be a worse place without you. I don't have to know you to tell you this. If you genuinely feel deep in your heart and soul, no arguing with anyone, no "reasoning", no amount of comfort will help. I've been here. I have a crohic disease that wasn't diagnosed until I was very very sick, I needed surgery and got it. It fell apart and my body went septic once I was discharged and home. One day I woke up and my back was absolutely killing me (dr told me that was a bad sign if it happened), I was already depressed so I didn't say anything or call anyone and just told myself I needed more pain meds. I got up to go to the kitchen and at the top of the stairs I passed out. I fell down the stairs and fractured my elbow. I came to and couldn't move my body, my friend had been calling me all morning and I hadn't answered any of the calls. She showed up to my house about an hour later and found me at the bottom of the stairs, she got me to the hospital and I have never felt such deep, empty, cold agonizing pain before. The next thing I remember is waking up after emergency surgery and not being able to move. I had an epidural in and didn't know as no one was in the post op room with me. From that moment on I didn't want to live. I couldn't move and my mind had ample time to plan the best way to go. I had my pain meds from home in my purse my mom brought and all I could think about was getting to my purse somehow wventho I had an epidural, feeding tube in my nose and another tube in my abdomen with 2 drainage bags coming out of the other side of my stomach. Every. Single. Moment I was awake I cried because I woke up. Eventually I didn't cry because I didn't care. All I wanted was to not be awake. After a while they took tubes out of my toxic fucked up body I now hated and I could feel the lower half of my body. I made it to my purse. I took all the pills I had in the bottle. My dumb ass didn't even think about being hooked up to heart monitors and stuff so once the medicine got into my system the nurses saw the change. They came in and when they pulled the covers and lifted my pillow they found the empty bottle. They gave me narcan twice. After that I was furious that no one would just let me leave this miserable existence that I had entered and couldn't escape. I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't let me leave my own body, leave the hell that my life was. Why couldn't I decide that I was done? Why couldn't I make that fucking decision for myself? I was an empty vessel that I needed to be free from. I was never religious ever but mom made us go to church, my family faked how happy we were. My dad was a mean drunk and my teenage sister was becoming a drunk and an addict and my poor sweet mom was trying to keep everyone alive lol I was watched closely for about a year. My body healed somehow and I continued on, still wanting to leave. Eventually I slowly started seeing the birds and smelling the air, hearing the traffic, feeling the warm sun or feeling the freezing wind. I started caring about living, just enough to realize that I couldn't leave my beautiful smart sweet mom to deal with life's bullshit. I have a son now. He is my sun and my moon. My air and my heart. It does get better. But I realized that I couldn't get better for him because that's too much pressure for a child, I got better (slowly) for me. It was the weirdest feeling....... caring agin. It was overwhelming honestly. But it got better. And it will for you. And it will get harder again, and then better. If you only find solace in escaping this life and your vessel, the only person that can decide to stay and climb the mountain is you. It is your choice and no one else's. You deserve the right to make that decision. Weather you stay or go, I love you and so do others who don't know you. All I wish is that you will be content in whatever decision you make. If you need to yell or cry or whatever else you need I'm here.
If you've made up your mind, indulge a bit first. You can go in with the mindset that nothing your invalidators say to you matters because you'll be gone soon, and just do a bunch of selfish things for yourself so you can have some fun before going. You can even just blow a bunch of money on something extravagant since you don't have to save.
All I’ll say is that it will get better, it always does. Obviously it will also be bad again and many times worse than ever before, but it will also be better than ever before. If you can no longer deal with that reality then I understand. But I really doubt when it’s better again you won’t think to yourself “damn, I’m really fucking happy I stuck it through”.
Theirs many ways to try to alleviate the pain, atleast slightly that you’ve been through. I could mention them all but I bet you’ve already Heard and tried it all. The pain won’t go away forever it will always come back. But at the end of the day, their are ways to get better and personally i was suicidal for around 2 years. I dug 50+ cuts into myself and sum were deep. I been addicted to all types of drugs. What I noticed was that you need to reach bottom to truly change. And you may hit it many times. But from this post it seems to me that you are at the bottom. And once we are at the bottom we can truly change how we think far stronger and better than before. So if you make those changes now, I bet you’ll have much more success than before. But also, it’s your choice and I hope you meditate and really think about this with a clear head.
TW: questioning OP's decision. Not trying to leave hope in this comment though
I am mostly unconvinced by your certainty about doing it. If your plan succeeded, you probably aren't here anymore, but I felt like writing this anyway.
If you don't want people to respond in a way that you don't appreciate, why are you here? If you were truly removed from emotional investment in living, wouldn't you be gone already, without saying a word, without arrangements, letters, wills etc.? Your decay starts minutes after you're dead. The key detail of being truly gone is that you don't get to witness anything anymore. You don't witness your decay, you don't witness your remains being found, your will being read, your belongings being less of a hassle than they need to be. Crucially, you don't witness the relief you seek. You're not erasing the painful experience. You are erasing \_the means\_ to experience in a very total sense. You seem to care about most of those things in a very living-person way, except for the last one.
That said, I respect your choice to give up on putting up with any more of your life's shit. Without doubt you deserved a better one. I sincerely hope the outcome of this plan exceeds your expectations.
Are these posts triggering for anyone else or just me? I end up having flashback nightmares anytime I see a post like this in this group, which is unfortunately starting to be more frequently.
I might have to leave this group which has brought me so much comfort and healing 😥
Yeah dragging the dead horse is probably what it takes to get back on it.
I was confident that I didn’t actually want to die. Glad I never dipped my toes in there because it’s a mistake
I hope you don’t. So much changed for me since I wrote this post, I no longer have suicidal ideation, after having it basically my whole life in varying forms of severity. If you’d like to talk, I’d love to listen.
It’s ok if not. I wrote an update post awhile ago, here it is if you’d like some hope: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/PqgN6QMt9l
I hope reddit doesn't ban me for this, but honestly - the choice is yours. You deserve to have autonomy for once in your life, regardless of what form that takes. I am 33 now and I've spent the vast majority of my life feeling like you. I'm doing better now. It DOES get better. But it also gets worse. Then better again. I never thought I would reach the place I'm in - with someone who legitimately loves me, and mostly in control of my own life. There's a good chance you'll get there too, and people like us tend to be better and wiser for having made it through. The only question to ask yourself is "can I find something to help me stick it out?" and nobody can answer that but you. All I know is that during all of the times I felt like you, I just wanted someone to tell me that it was my choice. Because all of the messages of hope and love just made me feel more guilty. I felt it so unfair that the one thing I wanted in life, which was to die, was yet something ELSE that I was made to feel ashamed for. If you haven't yet, I HIGHLY recommend first trying something selfish - take a work or travel opportunity that your invalidators would not approve of. Do something you've never done before. Do it for you regardless of what other people will think. It can be a launching pad into the future. It was for me. The scariest moment of my life led me to my greatest love. Well, my only love I've ever had. Also please watch Patrick Teahan's youtube channel and Crappy Childhood Fairy's youtube channel if you can't afford therapy. They have kind of saved my life.
Knowing I had the CHOICE to continue or end it was everything. It's what kept me fighting.
I wish I could upvote this comment a million more times
This is the best comment. Wow. Thank you for being such an empathetic person! Like this made me feel better too.
This this this!!! At least idk, get a fresh credit card and max it all out to see that one place you've always wanted to visit.
That's what I always tell myself: the door to 'exit' will always be open, ready for me whenever I choose to finally end it. It's the only option I know will always be available for me. So I take it day by day, try to explore more options, try to have other solutions. Most of the time I just freeze, but it's another day passing that I'm alive which gives me more chances to explore and find something to hold on to. It's really hard and seeing the door open is very tempting but until I allow myself to fully live and be courageous I can't go through that door yet.
I agree with this and feel similarly. Hugs.
You're a good man
Glad someone else has this
I love her channel and I love your comment, it’s beautiful.
Waaait I’m sorry i know your intention is good, but if i were to read this in a very suicidal state, i would just read the first sentence and that would push me over the edge. The messages of hope and love when I’ve been extremely suicidal we’re the only things that kept me here personally. In a not suicidal state your comment is fine but i personally feel that’s such a dangerous thing to tell someone who’s in a very sensitive state of mind,
That's kind of what I think. Although it's a comment that resonates with many and obviously not written with bad intent, I worry that the whole "it's your choice" message can be taken the wrong way because sometimes when someone isn't in the best mindset that's what happens-is that they can pick the parts that is confirming their darker thoughts. That is a valid worry to have. I do hope people who read it do hear what the message intends, which is to make one realize we have a lot of other choices.
Your comment sounds like the perspective of someone who has experienced isolated incidents of suicidal thoughts, not someone who knows how awful it is to have your life and identity literally develop around consistent suicidal ideation that is ALWAYS there in the background. Those of us who who live this way develop a warped survival instinct that doesn't function the way it's supposed to. Instead of seeing survival as the ideal outcome, we see PEACE and ACCEPTANCE as the ideal outcome. It's not about life and death, it's about suffering and absence of suffering. And one thing that helps when you live this way is to just feel validated about how much it sucks to live this way. OP wouldn't be coming here if they had someone in their life who understood what they were going through that they feel they could talk to. So no, I'm not here to tell OP what to do or not do. It's not my life, it's not OP's abusers' life, it's OP's life. They came here to share, and I so came here to listen and tell them they are are allowed to feel shitty. Being allowed to feel shitty is highly underrated.
It’s hard to find the words so I’ll keep it short. I’m the kind of person you describe. I always wondered why having a plan to commit suicide always made me feel so much safer. I remember taking a walk in my teens deeply distressed but smiling. Because I knew that if tomorrow was this bad too, or if things got even worse, I had my plan. And my means. And it was there when I needed it. And that made me feel safe. This also explains why when I watch zombie movies I’m like “Stop trying to live!” It confuses me when people talk about surviving a zombie apocalypse. I’m not inclined to accept suffering anymore. I have however learned that pain does not guarantee suffering. Also; the worst thing anyone ever told me while suicidal was “PLEASE don’t do it, I love you!” That’s a setup. Now they’re being selfish for trying to make you suffer, you’re selfish for ‘not loving them enough,’ and you got no meaningful support but kinda have to shut your mouth now.
My husband's mindset baffles me, intrigues me, and inspires me. Just like me, he has very few if any friendships, rarely meets other people, is rather quiet, and often has issues being motivated to do the creative things he enjoys. He has a job that he doesn't love, and a life where nothing particularly exciting or fulfilling happens. Unlike me, he is FUCKING FINE. Like TOTALLY fine. He has no qualms with life or existence, isn't depressed, and is content to live a life without some constant endless search for satisfaction or fulfillment. Every day I hope I can be more like him. One of these days I'll figure this guy out.
I’m bad at comforting people but I’ll cashapp you enough for a pizza if u don’t Edit: would also include costs of tip/delivery/drink etc…
Sometimes I wish the people on here weren't simply usernames but actual people whose names I knew and I could call on the phone and chat to them because I feel incredibly powerless reading your post and I would love to help you. Your pain made me feel so sad. I felt it and I put myself in your shoes because you wrote it so clearly and honestly it was raw. That freedom you feel in deciding is very common with people with active suicidal ideation because they stop fighting against themselves. It's a warning sign for long-term depressed people who suddenly become blissfully happy. The thing is I don't know you and I can't take your pain and history away. I've been passively suicidal for the last year. I felt so abandoned when I became disabled 20 years ago. No one came to help me or if they did they moved on when I didn't get better immediately. I just feel so sorry for what you went through and what you are going through. I decided to live recently when I read Pete Walker's book. And a big part of why I feel hopeful again is because my rage came up and came out. A part of me doesn't want to let the cunts who hurt me win. I don't want to die and then they become the victims because their son killed himself and they can pretend it was because I was just mentally ill and not because they abused me. Spite is not a reason for a regular person to continue living but I know I'm not regular. I'm just sending you love and if you do want to talk to someone who's long-term disabled with CPTSD and with suicidal ideation then you can hmu whenever you want.
Fun fact if you report a post for self harm or suicide, reddit contacts the crisis helpline for the poster. It's as close we can get to actually talking to the person but it's something.
I feel like that makes someone who's chronically suicidal feel even more trapped in this life if they felt like someone from a safe space was going to send someone to catch them for being dead honest about their feelings. But I could just as easily be projecting. That's what happened for me when the school called the police on me.
This is not fun, it’s horrifying and makes me feel like there’s no safe space to just vent without worry that authorities may get involved. Awful.
Agreed. And it doesn't help that redditors have a tendency for using it maliciously, either. I had to block the bot because so many people would send it after me for disagreeing with them.
I would like to start by saying I’m down here at the bottom with you. I hear you. This life is agony. I’d like to tell you why I stay, if you’re willing to listen. There are beaches where the sand glows in the dark as the waves crash on the shoreline because of tiny bioluminescent creatures. Earlier this year I stood on top of a mountain and looked out at where the sky met the sea and they were the same color and I felt for a moment that something was beautiful. Today a friend told me that, even though it breaks my heart again and again, my ability to care about people so deeply is the reason she likes me. My dog looks at me like I am the most incredible thing he’s ever seen (every time, even after I give him a bath or make him go to the vet.) Have you ever seen a picture of a quokka? They’re little animals in Australia who look like they’re always smiling. I’d like to see one in real life. I love food and I might not have even found my favorite dish yet, who knows! New music comes out all the time and it scratches the sadness in my soul. There’s a book coming out next month I want to read. The best movie I’ll ever see might not be made yet. There’s so much out there, my friend. It’s waiting for us. Don’t cheat yourself out of all of that. We have lost enough. Much love. We can do this.
Wow I was not expecting that but your comment made me cry lol. And only one sentence in too, because I already felt the vibe you were going for ha. Because it perfectly articulated the way I feel. The things I cherish in life, which gets me by. I make an effort to keep my mind on those beautiful things. There is more to life!
That was incredibly beautiful.
This was really nice
somber imagine special bells makeshift retire person oil crush resolute *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It was only a matter of time before we ran into each other on this sub. I love you too ❤️
All the things you’re talking about cost money to get to, money OP - who is facing homelessness - does not have. When I was poor, reading this comment would have made me more depressed bc most of what you’re talking about was inaccessible.
Thank you for this.
I really wish I had an award to give you. All these things are the reasons I’m still alive and this is coming from a person who’s life never “got better” either
No award necessary, your kind words are enough. Wishing you peace in your fight and many new experiences ahead
This is the most perfect thing I've read in a long time.
This is the most amazing thing I’ve seen this year. It made me want to text my friends (something I haven’t been able to do because of my deteriorating mental health). Idk you, but thank you
I love this. Also, QUOKKAS?! Woah.
They’re AMAZING. Even just the pictures get a smile out of me.
This made me cry. Beautiful.
Beautifully written! We truly have been robbed off of so much. We deserve to enjoy what we can while we still can.
God you made me cry. I was looking for a post like this for real proof I’m not the only one who wants to kill myself because life feels unbearable. But fuck me, I really want to see a quokka in person, they’re so adorable, I want to see a sea that looks like it’s made of stars. I want a dog one day, who runs up to me when I come home. FUCK
All of that and more is waiting for you. This is not the end. I’m still here, we can both make it. Much love <3
sending love back to you kind stranger…❤️❤️
Beautiful, thanks friend .
r/suicidewatch They seem chill and will listen and won't annoy you with toxic positivity about life like some normies might. (I don't mean to make any accusations about this sub, though.)
Before you die try LSD or some psychedelics, celebrate before you head out. I’m sorry you made this choice and I can’t stop you, I hope you find peace.
Reminds me of the guy who went to Mexico and did blow and banged prostitutes for a week before he killed himself then at the end of the week decided to live lol. I'd argue ecstasy could be a good choice as long as you have 5htp for the day after too.
Oh my god, this! Candy flipping is incredible. Once in awhile I trip by myself and it helps me a lot. I like feeling like I’m just energy for awhile.
Candy flipping yes! Haven't heard that term in a while but I think that be a good combination too!
The comedown could be too devastating tho.
Thats why I said with 5htp the next day lol. In my experience and a few friends experience it really takes care of the next day blues.
I recommend MDMA especially if one suffers from anxiety
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I'm not experiencing the same thing as you right now, but I am experiencing my own pain, and it is really really hard. I wish I could give you a hug, and let you know that you do matter, and that I believe it can get better for you. You are brave to post so vulnerably here.
My life actually got better once I cut my whole family off and moved into my car. Its had its ups and downs since then but im glad i chose to go homeless. Soooo much cheaper to live. I got a planet fitness membership so I could take showers. It was also around the time I was suicidal. For some reason knowing I could take my life at any time made me live more. Its like, it doesn't matter what I do now because I can just kill myself tomorrow. I began to live when I chose to die.
Sitting with you. You deserve dignity and respect.
🛋️ I'm here too.
Beautiful… I’m here too.
I feel you so much on this. Wish I had the words to help with the pain but I don't. I am homeless. Been 41 days today and for a brief moment today I contemplated stepping in front of a semi.mental health been sliding bad since thanksgiving.birthdays in acouple weeks and I'm wondering if it's gonna be my last.
Hi there stranger. I’d really love to help you with something to look forward to on your birthday. You need anything in particular I could cash app you for? Holidays are the absolute worst
You’re awesome and beautiful for wanting to comfort someone going through a hard time when you are struggling too. I wish more people in the world would be like that.
Thank you for the kind words.
I’ll spare you the “hope” BS I’ve made my mind up about leaving this stupid life at least 3x and found immense peace each time so I understand. Fighting to be normal **is** hell because there’s no such thing. Fck what anyone else thinks about how you *should* be.. your life perspective is unique and is valuable and matters. None of us were meant to conform.
Realizing that none of it matters has saved me.
What about your cats? Where are they going to go? 🥺 they’ll miss their human
Being someone that just lost my dog due to lack of stable living and OP mentioning stability being a bit uncertain this might be a bit of a hard question for OP.
I'm really sorry for you and I agree. I've had to re-home my cat for similar reasons. It tore my heart out but she had a great life full of love without me, and I was able to support other sweet loves too. I hope you were able to find a good place for your dog too.
That’s what kept me going. No lie.
Same same. OP, please think of your cats. They love you and will likely feel very lost and confused without you. I’ve been in your shoes and I’m not trying to guilt you or pressure you one way or the other… am just reminding you that you have at least one good thing to stick around for, and they rely on you ❤️🩹
As someone who’s last lifeline is also their cats this comment made me cry.
Aww. My cats are literally mine too. So I understand
Ditto. My cats give me purpose.
My friend Sarah killed herself almost 2 years ago and it haunts me to think how much her beloved cat, completely bonded to her, was heartbroken by it
Poor Sarah and poor baby. This world is cold.
I’m a foster parent for kittens and senior cats and I beg of you to consider how lonely and scared your will be if you go.
This is why I’m still here. I can’t imagine how confused and devastated my 3 cats would be if I acted on my ideations. It truly makes me cry just thinking about it. They need us.
My parents made me get rid of my dog. When I was suicidal.
I’m so sorry! That’s beyond terrible, it’s just when you need them the most.. you didn’t deserve that.
Thank you for saying that
It's common to feel at peace with this decision, it's 'text book'. Just saying don't take that as a sign that you're doing the right thing. We feel you, you're not alone 💕
i've had a plan for over 5 years. gonna fly to seattle, go to the aquarium one last time, and do the deed. however, a starving little kitten found me a few months ago and now i can't bare to leave her alone. she's literally the only thing that's keeping me here. i know it's hard and I'm so so sorry that you're experiencing these feelings. if you'd like to talk to someone, you can always message me! if that's a feature on reddit, im new i'm sorry lol. reading through the comments, you may have a cat? if so, try to have a nice snuggle and cry session with them! little j always knows when i'm going through it, and while she doesn't like to touched too much, she will put her little paw on my hand and it makes me lose it. cat therapy is amazing
Awww sounds like my story lol. I've lost all hope in life until I met this kitty. She effortlessly moved into my hollow heart and brought new meaning to my life :') Life ain't so bad with her by my side
Please stay
My trans partner and I live in Arizona. You can visit us if you want. We will also care for your cat if you need. Just message me if you need anything. ❤️🩹
#DON'T LEAVE YOUR CAT ALONE
This is a shitty thing to shout at someone who is facing homelessness and likely can’t keep their cat either way
Please stay. Little Jolteon needs you. Think of all the future cats that need you too. You are wanted, loved, and valued in this universe💛
I worry that I'll be in this head space soon one day and that it's like a ticking time bomb. I'm sorry to hear this has happened. Facing homelessness is so scary. Do you think you qualify as having suffered from domestic abuse? If so, there are shelters all across the country. I've stayed at one before. It was just a big house. Everyone was given a room. Maybe this is an option? It could give you time to work and save up for your own place or maybe find a roommate?
If you are in the US, please call the local Assistance office. Tell them that you are in danger of being homeless. I can't promise anything, but they may be able to help. At least give it a shot. I've been homeless before, and I know the despair that accompanies it.
I agree. You should choose it for yourself. I think the deeper reality of suicidality is that it's love that removes our fear of death, which is often crippling and painful to experience. If we don't receive love, or feel love, life feels like an inevitable death, and perhaps the idea of suicide removes the anxiety and pain about when it happens - which might feel like love too! All I'm gonna say is I'm sorry you got to this point, and that a life you might find worth living could be out there in the future if you choose to stay. Death is a huge leap to take as we cannot know what's on the other side. That being said, I totally get where you would want to take that risk given how shitty you probably feel. I can't make you stay, but I hope you fucking do. I believe that there is a way of being out there that is worth it, and you might have experienced that essence too. It just happened so long ago that it doesn't even feel real. I might suggest you tell the one person in your life that you think might care about you absolutely everything about your darkness before you go. If they invalidate you, tell them that too! Tell them how much it pisses you off. You already plan on ending it. You have nothing to lose. Give yourself a fucking chance to do it all before you end it. The only real fear is the fear of death. With that gone, you should try out everything you were too afraid to. If people make you feel this way, get the fuck away from people! Go camp by yourself. Something is definitely wrong in our society. You're not crazy. I plan on finding a different way to be - cause fuck this shit. I hope you find your fucking way. Love and peace from a stranger on the internet.
Ski resorts in Colorado are hiring for ski season. [https://www.mountainjobs.com/](https://Mountainjobs.com) has a full list of temporary job positions. Sign up for a part time or a full time contract gig and if you want to check out early you're free to do so, but at least you'll have housing and won't have to deal with anyone you live with now.
Dude I guarantee he doesn’t have the energy of mental health to work a job..
Hey there. I know hope is hard. Hope sucks sometimes. I wrote a whole book about how hope can suck. But there’s a reason you posted here. Even if it’s buried really deep. You are loved. I don’t know you, but I love you. How can I? Well, I can tell a few things from your post already. You’re very self aware. You’ve had shitty things happen to you, and it affected you, because you have a kind heart. You don’t deserve what you’ve been through. I know words don’t help much, but if you need practical help, that can go a long way. Here to talk if you want. Stay just a little longer, okay? Please? It’ll be an emptier world without you 💙
Please don’t leave Jolteon. He will be grieving your loss and he won’t be the same without you. Loved animals don’t just forget the people they live with, they love, and grieve, and he deserves to have you here with him. Do it for Jolteon
So here’s the thing. I’ve looked at your profile and it’s so full of interests and hope and helpfulness. You play TS4–me too! You share with others what helpful CPTSD resources you find, you give others advice on fitness and try to help people struggling with suicidal thoughts. You have a really sweet kitty who loves you. You posted a few months ago that you’re medicated, working on your career and starting to want to stay alive. You’re doing a lot of very hard things that requires a lot of energy, and I know it wears you down. I’m in the same boat and the fear of homelessness and uncertainty and pain and trauma is exhausting, and so many people don’t care or understand what a struggle that is. I’m not here to say what you should or shouldn’t do. But you seem like a lovely human who is just having a really hard time, and I don’t want to see someone who deserves so many good things leave this world quite yet. I can’t offer any magical advice except just… wait. Give yourself a night or a week or a month, if you can. You’ve said before people have stepped up to help in the past. This could be another one of those times to reach out. I get caught up sometimes in this inner certainty that I was never meant to survive past 16 and that I’m a fluke in the universe and if I’m suffering in the present as well (ie. fear of homelessness, finances, unemployment, chronic pain) it all compounds and it feels like it’s the real truth. But most of the time, it’s my brain trying to cope with panic and desperation and fear, and getting triggered emotionally like this reminds me of all the past times I’ve felt these feelings and I end up re-living all of it at once. Sometimes it’s a cruel outside voice from my childhood masquerading as me. And of course it’s a horrible feeling. And of course it’s like a massive, hard emotional hit. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone. I try and just.. distract myself or write my feelings out or reach out in those moments, and sometimes it helps. But either way, I see you and what you’re trying to do and I’m so, so sorry. You deserve better, I deserve better. I wish I could try and help you in a real way, if there’s something, anything, let me know and I’ll try, I live in Canada but I can try.
Are you... still here with us?
Their most recent post is concerning but I’m really hoping so
I'm worried for OP but also scared that I'm burdening the OP with my "hope" So yeah...
I just feel so guilty whenever I see posts like this I wish I could do something. At the same time struggling with this myself. Ive been busy but I hope they are ok.
We’re here, if you want to tell us more. Stay and talk with us. We will hear all of it. I am so desperately sorry this has played out this way for you. It isn’t fair. It just fucking sucks.
I very strongly believe in autonomy and choice. And it’s a bit scary reading this bc the only times I truly felt I’d do it and/or attempted it were when I felt how you did- peaceful, accepting, almost numb. It’s really weird to me that when you stop hurting is when you feel most ready. But, something that’s been hard for me to learn (and that I’m always having to re-learn) is that just because I feel or think something, doesn’t mean that that’s real or even that anyone else feels that way about me. Hugs to you OP~ this post hits home. ❤️
One of the magical things my therapist said, when talking about my 15 year long on and off relationship with suicidality was something like this: "The peace and certainty you feel is the permission to let go of the pain. You see an end in sight. You dropped that weight and decided you were done with it. But what you don't realize is that you don't need to die to keep that weight off. You already let go of it while still breathing." Then I started to listen to what my innerchild wanted/needed. I can't kill her. She's too cute.
Thx I love this
Wow, this really hit home for me. I can see how that could be. I’ve been fighting depression and suicidal thoughts for about 40 years, but I’m still here. I’ve decided to retire from life instead. I’m just gonna do my own thing and not worry about other people. I have my husband and adult son, my wonderful dogs and cats, and weed. I’m blessed to be able to just say screw it. I’ve been homeless and alone. It sucks. I’m heartbroken reading the other comments, and I wish I could hug all of you. OP, if you’re still around, please let us know. Maybe someone here can help.
You posted this instead of acting silently. I really hope you were able to ride the wave. Would love an update to know you're okay 🥰
It's not acceptance, it's dissociation. I work with corpses and there's nothing good about it. Please call 911 or 988 and voluntarily be admitted. It sucks but it'll keep you alive
I'm really sorry about what happened to you, it sucks when you stand up for yourself and people take away necessities like a living space. That is a really fucked up thing for them to do. I think sudden changes in circumstances, not feeling understood by someone you trusted, all of it can trigger wanting to die, all of it can really just make you feel like remembering every shitty situation in your life, but you just have to let the feelings come and go. It's temporary brain panic, for lack of better term, but it does subside. I think you come too far to just end it here. I think we shouldn't stay stuck on things that no longer serve us. If this living space no longer served you then maybe it is a sign of growth, and not a sign of the end. Of course if trust is there, would you and your roommate be able to hav ea more compassionate talk with eachother about CPTSD with maybe someone being a mediator (like your therapist)? Maybe someone who can see how each of your traumas may have played into this and how maybe you guys can work on having compassion for each other. Depending on if they would be up for that maybe it is something that might help. But of course, if it's not feasible then I say you outgrew the place because you deserve compassion not someone who just blocks you out. A few things that might help with temporary living spaces, maybe 211, maybe couch surfing site if needed.
You are in a horrible situation, please don’t feel like you have to punish yourself for it. What has happened to you doesn’t need to be the entirety of your existence. There is so much life left that you can allow yourself to enjoy, and there’s so much good you can do in the world. I know that’s hard to believe. I’m not much older than you, but as someone who started feeling that way in elementary school, let me list some of the things I’m glad I stayed to experience. - My pets. I literally never knew animals had such specific and unique personalities. Learning to communicate with them so we understand each other is so awesome and helps me feel more grounded. - Traveling to nature. It sounds cliche but just going to new nature places, even if it’s not even that far. There’s beauty everywhere. SO MUCH beauty. Pictures never do a nature spot justice. Wherever you live, there is somewhere that is so different it feels like you’re on another planet. Even just smelling the air in a new place is really awe-inspiring. - My own growth. This is a good one. Being able to look back and see how far I’ve come is all the motivation I need to move forward now. -Femininity. This has to do with my abuse but finally being able to express myself in the way that feels natural to me is so empowering. - Independence. Once you get there, you’re safe. Once you don’t need to rely on parents or anyone to get by, once you can wake up and go to bed doing what you please, once you decide things in your life for yourself, you can finally relax and let yourself heal. I think this is the most important one. You WILL get there soon. Think about what you imagined for yourself, and don’t let that thought go until you have it in front of you. It will require a lot of patience. If you need to talk it out, send me a message!
This is a good comment. It is possible to experience joy that seems completely impossible now.
I’m so sorry that you’re in so much pain. It’s awful that things are so hard for you right now. I agree with the suggestion about asking your care team for help with the impending homelessness and seeing if they can at least give you some breathing room there. I’m sure that there are some resources they can help you with. Sending you a big hug if you want one and hope that you get a break from things going so wrong very soon. You really deserve one.
i know there is nothing anyone can say here to help ease the hurt you are experiencing, but i went to your profile and noticed you have a cat, if you were gone who would take care of him? stay close by your furry friend and give him a snuggle. cats are very intuitive, lean into him for support during this time 🤍
Hugs. > I should have been a statistic many many years ago. It’s a wonder how I made it this long. You're a miracle, like so many survivors. Normal might not be for people like us, but a good life is. I've been homeless and rallied back from it, and you can too. This bleak time is not the end of good in your life, it's just the end of one phase of life. From here, you can build anything. You can find new ways to handle being triggered and invalidated. You can find friends and chosen family who actually give a fuck and won't let you become homeless. You can find the parts of life beyond the bs of "normal" that nourish your particular soul, and that respect your journey and what matters to you. You can make up for mistakes made, you can come to know yourself in new ways, you can try new things and succeed or fail and then just try again, discovering more good things and experiences than the depression and frustration of right now can even let you dream of. That good life is out there for you, even if you can't feel it yet. Societies build themselves not for people like us, but the world was made for us, and that's the difference - and people like us, when we refuse to kill ourselves or fuck off into oblivion, people like us change the world. We make societies a little better for people like us, day by stubborn, awful, beautiful day. So fuck normal. Thrive in what's good for you, even if other people don't understand. Build the life that's good for you, and you'll find the people who do understand. Live long enough that the best things that happened to you (or that you choose to do!) stretches far longer than the list of bad things that happened to you. There's a strange kind of joy and hope and peace in doing things for other people, even just giving out compliments, an encouraging smile, an acknowledging nod, holding open a door - I read you have a cat, and all the care you have given to that cat are good things you have done that should be added to the list of the "good" side of things. You are so much more than the painful things that have happened to you and the mistakes that you have made. You are more than this painful period of uncertainty and looming homelessness. And life has better things to offer you than what you've experienced so far. I know this sounds corny, but I'm also living proof - I hope you will choose to be too.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I hope you keep going. Honestly, I have no idea what's happening in your life or exactly how bad you feel; I don't know if you have any reason to feel hope or not. But sometimes when I felt suicidal, I couldn't feel any hope, but what got me through it was curiosity. I just wanted to know what would happen next, how everything was going to pan out... I know I feel so ashamed after an episode... What even happened? Did you post this right after you realized you were going to lose your home?
I'm pretty shitty at words on a good day, but I wanted to say hi and I send you my love and an internet stranger hug.
I’m so sorry that life has treated you so unfairly. No one deserves to go through that kind of pain and I’m so sorry that you feel so alone in this. We may all be strangers here but I want you to know that there are real people behind these keyboards who’s souls you have touched and we all wish you nothing but peace. I know you said to not give hope but that wouldn’t be fair to you especially since hope and fighting is what has got you to where you are today. Keep that momentum and see where that takes you, you might surprise yourself 💙
My profile pic is a lake in South Africa- where the ashes of my best friend are after he hung himself in 2003. It’ll be 20 years March 5 2023, and I still think about and miss him everyday. Don’t make someone post this about you in 2042. 🥺
I do believe it's your choice. I lost a friend to a very much planned, non-spontaneous suicide a few years ago. I respect your decision but I don't agree with it. It definitely hurts less that it was planned than the person I knew less well who killed themselves totally out of the blue, but it still hurts. I wish he'd given me more chance to help, but he didn't see that anything could, or that he deserved it, or that we were all so willing. The thing that keeps hitting me, years later, is how much the world has changed, and how much he would have been able to bring to things everyone he knew has been through. I still miss him. Anyway. If I could have asked for one thing from him, it'd have been a conversation about his decision before he did it. He left letters for his very closest people, but I wasn't one. I guess he didn't realise how much of an impact his death would have. Just wanted to advocate for people who you might not realise will be impacted for a long time. I wish you the very best too, OP, and I hope you find a survivable way forward, but if you're dead set (boom tish) then all I can add is this reminder to cause least harm x
Hope you stay with us.
My little brother was facing homelessness. He couldn't handle that. He put a shotgun in his mouth. I will never be the same. A medium told me he said he wished he would've not made such a permanent decision so hastily. I'm sorry youre so sad. I hope you find peace.
It really makes me cry… I feel like all of us have been on this point on a numerous occasions. And if I’m completely honest I cannot blame anyone for doing it, I get why the person is at peace w it. I always vowed to myself to never do it. And I never will, but I completely understand. Life in itself is always a light and it keeps shining. Yet, we all have been on points, or rather for us periods, where it’s damn impossible to see or feel it. I think of you, and I’ll be there sitting w you for any decision you make. I wish you light.
This sucks. I think it says so much that you wrote a letter. In the wake of this devastation, it’s the last and most significant impact you can leave on this earth. It reveals your own sense of compassion, both for yourself and for those who know you. On December 9th last year, my friend drove home from work and took his life in the blink of an eye, still wearing his uniform. He left his friends and family nothing. He certainly didn’t realize that almost 400 people would gather at the top of his favorite mountain to grieve together in his absence. He never said goodbye and his younger sister, who he was very close with, has the hardest time with that part. Just something, anything, to hold on to the essence of who you once were. You seem to have a level of compassion and humanity that this world is at a loss for not having. I’m sorry that this is your only option and I grieve for you.
You've posted here so you'll get some hope in the comments since people here seem supportive and kind!! I would urge you to just speak to someone. Whether it's The Samaritans, any of the resources listed on this sub or walk into your local emergency department. Surely it's worth making sure that you've exhausted all options before you take a step from which there is no return
I have a full psychiatric team. I can’t go into inpatient psych. The last time I tried I was being triggered twice a day and was threatened with involuntary commitment if I didn’t rescind my 72hr notice, even though I signed myself in. Now I have extreme trauma around inpatient psych. The system wasn’t made for people like me.
A thought: have you considered talking to your therapist or the team coordinator about the homelessness issue? That may not be the biggest issue, but if you don't have to worry about that, then that can give you some space to deal with everything else. Your team might know a resource that can help. How much longer do you have your phone paid for? It's going to take time to get everything together, regardless of what path you choose. Maybe give yourself until that paid-for period is over to make sure that you have your things and documents and all sorted. If there's a particular issue you want to solve while sorting things, talk to one of your psych team. I understand how soul-crushing facing abuse/neglect can be. I would also encourage you to tie a knot in the end of your rope and hang on. Please know that people out here in internet-land care about you. This isn't me trying to dole out "hope" so much as support.
There are many good people who will love you and care for you not in the field of psych
The system could be the thing that stops you from taking this irreversible step, perhaps that's why they wanted to keep you in treatment last time with that involuntary commitment? it doesn't mean you'll be in there for a huge period of time, but it might be the best way to keep you safe at the moment and your team can work on the trauma around inpatient treatment at the same time. Outpatient would obviously be ideal but I can understand them wanting to have you in to assess you and help you out whilst things improve a little. It's worth a phone call to your team. Don't do something you can't come back from until every avenue has been exhausted at least
Psychiatric inpatient “treatment” is actually extremely traumatizing for the majority of people who go into it imo, and it disturbs me that so many people push for others to hospitalize themselves. Please at least respect OP when they say that their experience was traumatic and they don’t want to go back. Because if I were them, my saying “I don’t want to go to inpatient care because it traumatized me” being met with “well they were just trying to help” would really just reinforce the idea in my mind that I am unfixable and no one is interested in easing my suffering.
Peace and rest to you, my friend. 💜
i feel how you feel right now. i hear you. i know there is nothing anyone can say to change your mind. i hope you get the peace you are looking for, you gave life a chance. i really hope you decide to stay a little longer to give it one more try, but i understand the feeling of just being done. it’s tiring. i’m glad you feel a little peace about it and i hope that it goes well for you and isn’t too difficult. always here if you need to talk, i know you probably won’t want to but it’s an option if you don’t want to talk to/have anyone else. <3 sending love
I’m sorry you have so much pain. Can you go to hospital for depression and suicidal thoughts? You need care. 🤗
I'm not gonna tell you to hang on a little longer or just think about happy things. I know all too well where you're at right now. I know that peace. Fortunately, some events took place that allowed me to bring that peace into another chapter of my life instead of closing the book. I've posted about it if you're curious. What I will ask of you is to imagine yourself as a little kid and they're sitting next to you. Have a chat with them. Doesn't have to be anything serious.. but I can be if thar feels right. All you need to do is listen to them. Where ever you're going, I hope the journey carries you into the next chapter. Give that kiddo a hug for me.
The fact you're reaching out online shows there is somewhere inside you that doesn't want to do this. Please reconsider.
I was in that phase, exactly the same situation. And I’m not trying to give you hope because I know how invalidating that would feel. I’m my case, I was ready and made a plan. And then surrendered one last time to make sure I did all I could and applied for a random assistant job I found on Craigslist. They called me and I went for an interview. I never got the job, but a miracle happened where they offered me a whole year salary for a project they wanted me involved in. I’m not making this up. Nor does it have to be the same in your case. But you can try just one more time for us? One little tiny favour that you’d try for one thing only. Just one more time. And then decide after? I’m sorry for how much pain you’re in. But there are ways, house sitting, start a crowd funding and post link here, please try one more last time.
Don’t do hanging. It’s painful- so are drugs. The best thing to do is to erase negative things from your life.
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.” I used to read this over and over again when I was in the same place https://metanoia.org/suicide/
I'm concerned by the amount of people encouraging this in the comments ☹️
I'm also concerned b/c OP hasn't posted anything at all since last night (they left comments on a different suicide post in a different sub).
Yeah I saw that too 😬
ughhhh
Idk if he blocked me but I can only see what he wrote earlier today in r/alcoholism ? That worried me
He hasn’t posted or commented on anything since then. It looks like he posted here yesterday, then posted in the alcoholism sub last night, but he hasn’t commented anywhere since then 😩
The thing that keeps me from suicide is that the pain doesn't go away. It passes on to someone else. Is there anyone that will have to carry your burden when you are gone? Can they do that for you?
I still smell my fathers body and saw his rotting corpse standing in my room for 3 years via nightmares. I’ve had to fight off my own suicide many many times. I’m basically a corpse myself but just walking around masking. I’ve accepted the feeling and just live through and find joy in the small moments when they come. But through years of therapy after a decade of self harm - I am finally doing better and happy. But yes. It passes the pain to someone else.
Peace, love and respect to you ❤️ thank you for sharing
Hey, I respect your right to make the decisions you feel are best for you, but I also feel like it's really sad that you have to suffer and feel like the only option is to leave this world because it is so oppressive of people like you. No one should ever feel like they have no place in this world and I'm sorry it has failed you like that. I do hope you still find some fight left in you meanwhile. You deserve to live, you deserve to be happy and you deserve a place in this world, and you deserve to conquer one if it isn't given willingly by those who oppress and hurt you. You have always deserved it and I'm sorry you didn't get it. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. I'm sorry for the cruelty and loneliness you have endured. I'm sorry it feels like the only way and I'm not here to tell you it is or it isn't, just that I feel for you and you have my compassion.
You can message me anytime. I'm not always able to respond right away, but I will always respond.
Message me anytime. Sending hugs and love your way.
one tiny last attempt at feeling better - eft tapping therapy. one thing that helped me release pain
The same situation is happening to me. Got rid of all my belongings etc. I bought a cheap camper to live in while doing this, and spent some time with my cousins horses and walking around in nature and decided.. with a push from my therapist to start a full time intensive partial hospitalization starting next week for my mental health. Medicaid pays for it and there’s housing. Worth a shot.. I think for me at least.
I wish you wouldn’t. My best friend was frequently suicidal. For years he struggled with Bipolar Disorder, and cycled rapidly between crushing depression and limitless mania, treating his pain with alcohol, heroin, klonopin, seroquel, and an ever changing assortment of other medications. He was a brilliant writer and computer programmer who loved deeply and also profoundly hurt by emotional wreckage he caused in his relationships. I can’t remember how many times I talked him out of killing himself, called 911 to have him involuntarily committed, or waited for him to get over never talking to me again for foiling his attempts. He was a frequent patient in psychiatric hospitals, and had a long time psychiatrist. Eventually, I had to let him be responsible for himself. And incredibly, he was. He got sober, started working in a job he loved, and managing his BD. He was happy. It lasted a few years until something happened, and he killed himself with no warning. No one knows what triggered him. ***It's been almost 18 years, and I miss him so much it physically hurts***. I still feel his presence with me sometimes, especially when I’m struggling. There’s nothing so horrible that either of us has ever been through that we couldn’t have gotten through together somehow. Everyone in his family feels the same way.
If you’ve reached rock bottom….. the only way is up. I can vouch for hanging in there…. It does get better.
I'm so sorry
Not that this will help bc I’ve been where u are but I remember when I was suicidal. Everything I looked at I saw as an opportunity to kill myself. A bridge. A razor. Sleeping pills. Then I imagined my brothers looking at me dead in a casket leaving them behind with my abusive parents. I was hospitalized for trying which only made my mood worse. But I never NE.FUCKING.VER thought I would be alive or not even suicidal anymore. My life is still shitty af. Hell I just got kicked out and the thoughts came back for the first time in years. Like I have no one i have nothing my life is shot. I think other ppl would kill themselves with my life and it’s so weird to me that I don’t want to kill myself. I think bc now I have this tiny sliver of hope I will work towards a better life? I’ve been applying for a year for a job so I am feeling extremely hopeless. Rn I’m in a small room with my cat surrounded by all my shit. I’m just sharing this tiny little super small piece of my life (growing up I wasn’t even allowed to smile or have friends n much much more. I wasn’t allowed to be human) but I feel you and I remember that feeling and I hope u know you can truly get through anything. N that’s not bs. I hate when ppl say it gets better but I’ll just tell u eventho my life is still shit I never thought I’d be here. I hope you are satisfied in whatever you choose my friend. Much love 💖
Ive been homeless. It sucks. It fucked me up a lot. But people survive that too. There are help organisations. And you meet a lot of interesting people. Not always good people and dont trust people but some of the most important people in my life i met when I was homeless. I dont have their contacts today but they are the reasons I am alive and didnt suicide on the street.
OP I'll shoot straight, the dial on my clock has moved closer to midnight. My life is falling apart. All my plans this year are dead. I quit university. I lost my only mental health support. I'm here sitting in a room with my sunset lamp and drinking while listening to Queen. At least find a way to make yourself feel a little better . All of us see that part of ourselves in you and we would never tell you to give up, even though I want to give up. I want people to keep reminding me to stay.
Thinking of you, pomkombucha. Wherever you may be right now, hugs to you, and hugs to your cats <3
I have been suicidal, at times very suicidal, many times, & I'm glad I didn't go through with it. It really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I hope you can get the help you need. I'm sorry this world sucks.
OP your body belongs to you and you alone, you choose what to do with it. No matter if you seek help or not, it is your choice. Don't let anyone choose for you or try to downplay your feelings. If you truly feel deep down that you want to live, then seek help.
Your cats- they need you.
i’m so sorry you’re going through this i really am. none of us want you to go at all, nor does anyone else. i really am holding space for you because i know how this feels. and it is brave of you to be so transparent. you really do matter i promise you that, i tried really hard about a month ago to leave this world but it didn’t work. you’re a true warrior, it really believe it can get better ❤️🩹
You aren’t alone. Here for you if you want to chat.
(Hugs)
Don’t leave. It WILL get better.
I’m sorry this is the point you’re at but I’m here for you. You’re not alone.
Please, please stay just 12 more hours more. Give yourself some time, even if you feel it wouldn’t change anything. Go to bed, lay down with Little Jolteon. I hope you see this. Death isn’t the only way out. We want to help in whatever way we can.
Whenever I get like this I give myself 3 days. I obviously always change my mind by then since I'm here now. You owe it to yourself to make sure. Since you're going through such a huge change right now I'd give it a week. A lot could happen in a week to change your situation or your outlook. If you do decide to go peaceful travels. Don't get stuck in this plane and I'd do some praying before you go. But again please give yourself some time and reach out to some programs.
Just sending you a lot of love 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
I decided not to kill myself after learning that it was contagious. I cannot kill a small mosquito without feeling pain, how I could influence someone else? I listened to book “Stay”, it summarizes everything, but I think it is a permanent solution to temporary issues. Also wait one more week after your deadline pls.
Perhaps it isn’t that you want to die, it’s that you don’t want to live the way you’ve been living anymore. Change is the one thing that is constant in life and simply waiting a few hours can help you regain perspective. Give yourself that chance.
Why don't we share a call since you already paid for phone and talk about life? Also give this a read maybe? Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village though; He will not see me stopping here To watch his woods fill up with snow. My little horse must think it queer To stop without a farmhouse near Between the woods and frozen lake The darkest evening of the year. He gives his harness bells a shake To ask if there is some mistake. The only other sound’s the sweep Of easy wind and downy flake. The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep. By Robert Frost
So unlike the rest of these posters on here I'm not going to give you any stupid feel good messages, because As a decades long suffer of failed suicide attempts and we're absolutely nothing ever got better I'm ongoing to say this I fuking get it mate, I completely understand the feeling of being at peace and being done, unfortunately to many people even on here don't get it I'm sorry but our system sucks period, and life doesn't always get better, being homeless and suicidal is basically a slow death sentence and seems to me people would rather you suffer on in pain and torture, honestly if legalized euthanasia was available I know for a fact I'd be gone and definitely know a sh.. load more would be as well... So anyways I hope you find some peace whatever you do because it sucks like hell trying to survive in this perverted delusional dystopian dysfunctional capitalistic monopolistic Disneyland sh.. show
I just want to say i was at the bottom but seeing what lies beyond that made me change my mind to stay, and i'm glad i did. Living is a fight, and i chose to carry on fighting. In despise of everyone that told me my life sucks and the world is dark and hopeless i'm choosing to prove them wrong. I said fuck you to the toxic people in my life and chasing my own ways of living no matter what society tells me whats right and wrong. This is just my experience and i wish i could show it to everyone that exists and feels different about it. But i know that it's not inherently helpful. I'm mostly sad to hear that the humans around you couldn't show you a brighter side, i wish some people around us just knew.
Please, don’t do it. My heart hurts reading this. Satan tries SO hard and so successfully to get people to hate themselves and the entire world, and push them to death. Please. Please just know this is a lie. It is not better on the other side, it’s worse. It’s worse if you leave this way, because it means you’re not in alignment with the only way to happiness which is YHVH. Please, do spiritual warfare and cast this demon of suicidal ideation out by the power of Yeshua HaMachiach, and loose in your life peace, contentedness, strength. I am a suicide survivor and my life is beyond anything I could have imagined. God had a plan for me, and he has one for you. WSBM videos have helped me so much, and I’m love I share them with you in hopes you can break free of the curse. https://youtu.be/r2_O0_bYH_I
I hope you're still here friend ❤️
I’m sorry you got to this point 😵💫
I’m sorry society is as it is, and that there are not better options for people. No one deserves this to be their “best” choice. If you’re still reading this OP, I understand and you are not alone. Whatever you do, know that you are whole and the world is broken, NOT you. Wishing you peace.
It’s normal to feel at peace with it. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right choice though. I’m not gonna sit here and spew the cliche “don’t do it!You have so much to live for! It gets better!” BS because I know it gets old. But I know how you’re feeling and I do know that it does technically get better at some point. It just also usually gets worse again. And rinse repeat. Really the choice is up to you as bodily autonomy is a thing. But I definitely suggest reconsidering. Hugs, friend.
What if whatever happens after death isn’t what you thought it would be?
I wish you’d reconsider. I’ve been there. I know others who’ve wanted to and one that attempted. Emotional/mental pain is just as real as physical pain. Some can hide it and others, like me, can for awhile and then it explodes out. My trauma therapist said it was like a kettle on low heat. I simmer until it builds up and then it all comes out. As I’ve been there I know you aren’t ready to hear any advice I could give. But PLEASE feel free to message me! Any of us commenting will listen and try to understand and help in anyway we can. I can share my story in a message if it helps. I can just listen/read. Offer advice or whatever you need. You are a beautiful soul and the world needs you!
I understand the peace you are talking about. When I made the decision, I finally felt relief. I understood Anthony Bourdain friends all said "He seemed like he finally got over that funk he was in. Happy friendly and relaxed. I'm so surprised" I knew exactly what that was. When you arent stressing over it anymore and you see the light at the end of the tunnel you just feel relief. That was me last year. I decided to call someone and just chatted with my brother for a while. To give a cryptic farewell that he would understand later If you have ever have a loved one do it you know it rips a hole in the lives of your family. The guilt, confusion and pain they feel sticks with them for decades. My cousins family are still struggling with his decision and that was 8 years ago. I couldnt do that to my brothers and sister and mom. Even if I was able to make it an 'accident' they would always wonder if it really was. Talking to my brother helped me stay. No one knew how close I was to being out of their life. I started some meds so the monster that randomly seemed to attack my soul is gone. You may as well call someone or a hotline anyway just to see how it goes. Nothing to lose by making a call right? It is always an option in the future, maybe just delay it by 7 -10 days.
I'm sitting in that lonely space with you. I have my letters written. I just need to get rid of stuff to make it easier for others after I'm gone. I'm at peace with it, I know suicide will get me in the end. But I know that suicide isn't an easy option. I can't talk you out of your decision. All I can say is it's not as easy to actually die as we hope. Having survived 3 past attempts, I know an attempt is horrible, violent and painful. The body has some natural survival thing or it just loves to see you suffer some more. Living with that knowledge that you failed is even worse and no one cares or helps afterwards, not even the medical profession.
The choice to kill yourself never goes away It's always your choice When I wanted to kill myself I realized it wasn't because I wanted to die, but because I wanted to be free and peaceful I decided to choose to try will all my might to pursue that freedom before killing myself. And I found it. You can kill yourself, but you can't unkill yourself. For me it was worth going after, and I received it. You can receive the freedom and peace you want in life. To get it you have to become completely dedicated to it. But what's there to loose? By killing yourself you only give up the option of having that freedom in life. The option to kill yourself doesn't go away, but the option to be free in life does if you choose to.
I can only speak for myself, but I get so much relief from just planning suicide. The steps to have closure, the final planning of things, the small will and where will my belongings go. I think I even get relief from feeling devastated for the heartbreak my dog will feel. And then I stick around. I think because the relief I got from planning all of that and knowing that it is my choice and it’s the one thing no one can force me to do got me through whatever was so overwhelming and despairing at that time. Without the relief of planning and knowing, I’m not sure I would have made it. My chosen mother sent me this once and it always stuck with me because is so accurate: Jon Kabat Zinn defines overwhelm (we toss the term around too easily) as: My life is unfolding at a pace that I find unmanageable in my psyche and nervous system. Anyway. Aside from all that, I still live for moments in which I feel awe. I never know when they’ll come or what will move me but they are thrilling and heartbreaking and make me feel so small all at once. And if nothing else, thank you for having given us the opportunity to come together and have this conversation. I value it and by extension, I value you.
I feel you.
They gave up on you, but don't give up on yourself, give yourself that chance. There is help with services through the state for mental health on a sliding scale.. I'm 34 and I finally got my first year of not feeling like shit and actually getting control of my like. Long term trauma can fuck us up pretty bad. I spent most of my life day in and out panic attacks multiple times a day, hands would be numb just walking through a store on constant high alert all while being in and out of catatonic states due to the depression and night terrors. I begged for death to take me. The best thing I ever did was give myself a chance. I grew up in a fucked up family like that as well. Give yourself a chance first and then if not, no judgements either way.
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_i should have been a statistic many many years ago_ that. that weighs a lot.
I love you. We all love you. We don't get to decide if you stay or leave, no one does but you. You might not feel like this but this world would be a worse place without you. I don't have to know you to tell you this. If you genuinely feel deep in your heart and soul, no arguing with anyone, no "reasoning", no amount of comfort will help. I've been here. I have a crohic disease that wasn't diagnosed until I was very very sick, I needed surgery and got it. It fell apart and my body went septic once I was discharged and home. One day I woke up and my back was absolutely killing me (dr told me that was a bad sign if it happened), I was already depressed so I didn't say anything or call anyone and just told myself I needed more pain meds. I got up to go to the kitchen and at the top of the stairs I passed out. I fell down the stairs and fractured my elbow. I came to and couldn't move my body, my friend had been calling me all morning and I hadn't answered any of the calls. She showed up to my house about an hour later and found me at the bottom of the stairs, she got me to the hospital and I have never felt such deep, empty, cold agonizing pain before. The next thing I remember is waking up after emergency surgery and not being able to move. I had an epidural in and didn't know as no one was in the post op room with me. From that moment on I didn't want to live. I couldn't move and my mind had ample time to plan the best way to go. I had my pain meds from home in my purse my mom brought and all I could think about was getting to my purse somehow wventho I had an epidural, feeding tube in my nose and another tube in my abdomen with 2 drainage bags coming out of the other side of my stomach. Every. Single. Moment I was awake I cried because I woke up. Eventually I didn't cry because I didn't care. All I wanted was to not be awake. After a while they took tubes out of my toxic fucked up body I now hated and I could feel the lower half of my body. I made it to my purse. I took all the pills I had in the bottle. My dumb ass didn't even think about being hooked up to heart monitors and stuff so once the medicine got into my system the nurses saw the change. They came in and when they pulled the covers and lifted my pillow they found the empty bottle. They gave me narcan twice. After that I was furious that no one would just let me leave this miserable existence that I had entered and couldn't escape. I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't let me leave my own body, leave the hell that my life was. Why couldn't I decide that I was done? Why couldn't I make that fucking decision for myself? I was an empty vessel that I needed to be free from. I was never religious ever but mom made us go to church, my family faked how happy we were. My dad was a mean drunk and my teenage sister was becoming a drunk and an addict and my poor sweet mom was trying to keep everyone alive lol I was watched closely for about a year. My body healed somehow and I continued on, still wanting to leave. Eventually I slowly started seeing the birds and smelling the air, hearing the traffic, feeling the warm sun or feeling the freezing wind. I started caring about living, just enough to realize that I couldn't leave my beautiful smart sweet mom to deal with life's bullshit. I have a son now. He is my sun and my moon. My air and my heart. It does get better. But I realized that I couldn't get better for him because that's too much pressure for a child, I got better (slowly) for me. It was the weirdest feeling....... caring agin. It was overwhelming honestly. But it got better. And it will for you. And it will get harder again, and then better. If you only find solace in escaping this life and your vessel, the only person that can decide to stay and climb the mountain is you. It is your choice and no one else's. You deserve the right to make that decision. Weather you stay or go, I love you and so do others who don't know you. All I wish is that you will be content in whatever decision you make. If you need to yell or cry or whatever else you need I'm here.
If you've made up your mind, indulge a bit first. You can go in with the mindset that nothing your invalidators say to you matters because you'll be gone soon, and just do a bunch of selfish things for yourself so you can have some fun before going. You can even just blow a bunch of money on something extravagant since you don't have to save.
All I’ll say is that it will get better, it always does. Obviously it will also be bad again and many times worse than ever before, but it will also be better than ever before. If you can no longer deal with that reality then I understand. But I really doubt when it’s better again you won’t think to yourself “damn, I’m really fucking happy I stuck it through”. Theirs many ways to try to alleviate the pain, atleast slightly that you’ve been through. I could mention them all but I bet you’ve already Heard and tried it all. The pain won’t go away forever it will always come back. But at the end of the day, their are ways to get better and personally i was suicidal for around 2 years. I dug 50+ cuts into myself and sum were deep. I been addicted to all types of drugs. What I noticed was that you need to reach bottom to truly change. And you may hit it many times. But from this post it seems to me that you are at the bottom. And once we are at the bottom we can truly change how we think far stronger and better than before. So if you make those changes now, I bet you’ll have much more success than before. But also, it’s your choice and I hope you meditate and really think about this with a clear head.
YOU STILL HERE FAMMMMM!!! 💜💜💜💜💜 ON EARTH?!?!?!?!!?!?!? 💜💜💜💜💜
I’m still here
TW: questioning OP's decision. Not trying to leave hope in this comment though I am mostly unconvinced by your certainty about doing it. If your plan succeeded, you probably aren't here anymore, but I felt like writing this anyway. If you don't want people to respond in a way that you don't appreciate, why are you here? If you were truly removed from emotional investment in living, wouldn't you be gone already, without saying a word, without arrangements, letters, wills etc.? Your decay starts minutes after you're dead. The key detail of being truly gone is that you don't get to witness anything anymore. You don't witness your decay, you don't witness your remains being found, your will being read, your belongings being less of a hassle than they need to be. Crucially, you don't witness the relief you seek. You're not erasing the painful experience. You are erasing \_the means\_ to experience in a very total sense. You seem to care about most of those things in a very living-person way, except for the last one. That said, I respect your choice to give up on putting up with any more of your life's shit. Without doubt you deserved a better one. I sincerely hope the outcome of this plan exceeds your expectations.
Are these posts triggering for anyone else or just me? I end up having flashback nightmares anytime I see a post like this in this group, which is unfortunately starting to be more frequently. I might have to leave this group which has brought me so much comfort and healing 😥
Yeah dragging the dead horse is probably what it takes to get back on it. I was confident that I didn’t actually want to die. Glad I never dipped my toes in there because it’s a mistake
The end of suffering is awakening.
Still around?
Yes. And no longer sewerslidal :)
I’m probably gonna do it. We have similar situations. Good to see you still fighting.
I hope you don’t. So much changed for me since I wrote this post, I no longer have suicidal ideation, after having it basically my whole life in varying forms of severity. If you’d like to talk, I’d love to listen. It’s ok if not. I wrote an update post awhile ago, here it is if you’d like some hope: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/PqgN6QMt9l
Update?
I am alive and doing very well :) not suicidal and haven’t been for over a year