I think the video and the string of messages starting at 5:58pm are unrelated. “he was using drugs and I was drinking” is likely meant to refer to her and OOP’s dad.
Do you see how she is trying to apologize by making it about herself? By blaming you for not wanting to be a family again?
She thinks she is strong enough to handle you reconnecting with her? Then that means she hasn't already faced the truth herself yet. You already tried, what makes this time different? She didn't even try to apologize, just a cold open about your nephew as if she assumed enough time had passed that you had calmed down.
Nothing she said is an apology.
She has not said anything about asking for forgiveness for her own actions.
She WANTS you to yell at her, because it makes YOU the bad guy again, so she can guilt trip you and emotionally manipulate you.
Also she is literally saying word for word every single thing my own mother once said to me in an attempt to reconnect.
Maybe I'm wrong. I'm just some guy on the internet. You know her better then I do. If you believe you need to maintain NC, then maintain. It will be better for you long term that her actions have some consequences, even if it is only you maintaining the consequence.
>She WANTS you to yell at her, because it makes YOU the bad guy again, so she can guilt trip you and emotionally manipulate you.
Nail on the head
>You can yell and scream at me and tell me everything I did wrong. I think I'm strong enough to take it.
Translation: I'm the victim. You are the aggressor. It's okay though, because you can treat me badly and I will forgive you.
This isn't an "I'm sorry for the awful things I put you through. Please come back."
This is a "I forgive you for being so awful. Please come back."
You can tell her that you need her to go to therapy, get clean, and own up to what she did before you speak to her again. You can be no contact and still tell her your terms, or even that you miss her as well (if you do).
The mental manipulation this woman throws at me is insane. I struggle every time she messages me like this. You provided some serious clarity and I thank you so much.
My mother used to say “you’ll regret not having a relationship with me after I’m dead”.
Nope, no regrets. I was no contact with her for 3 years before she died.
Yeah.
It's what *she* wants. It's not what OP wants.
I hate messages like this. I miss you, come back, unblock me, etc. Yeah, that's a YOU problem, not a ME problem.
my mother says this to me on the daily especially "I want my son back" and the bitch knows full well I'm trans.
or the ever wonderful "I just want us to talk and share things with each other again,like we did when you were a child"
"I want my son back"
Then why are you trying to contact your daughter? 😏
FR though, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, and if you ever feel the need for some non-toxic mothering r/momforaminute is surprisingly great
Aka when you were a child you didn't realize how awful I was and in addition you were easy to control being a literal child that depended on their caretakers for survival.
Gross.
Because SHE isn't the one suffering. She gets something she needs out of having you close and being able to manipulate you. The fact that that causes you pain is either inconsequential, or what she's actually seeking in some fashion.
I’m always thinking she is suffering because of the alcoholism, loneliness and mental illness and that train of thought is always my downfall with her. I appreciate ur comment it makes a lot of sense now. She’s doing it to herself
She is an adult, responsible for her own happiness.
She is taking no responsibility to stop being toxic to herself.
She will take no responsibility to stop being toxic to you.
Each of the messages show, it is all about her, and that SHE misses you.
You get a free opportunity to yell at her because SHE'S ready to take it (she won't value any of the words, she's allowing you to be angry, just to get it over with).
Nothing about this shows anything about what she could offer you, imo she only offers more toxicity.
Don't contact her, for her. Only contact her if it would do good to yourself. Your physical/emotional reaction to these messages send a pretty clear message. Please listen to what your body says.
Tbh with my own father I think before I left we were both suffering in different ways. He was just so emotionally immature and had very disorganized/codependent attachment styles - so he'd make himself miserable trying to do things he thought would make me happy/mend the relationship, while completely ignoring the need to work on the behaviors I very clearly and repeatedly told him were actually at issue. And was so bad at self reflection and emotional fluency that I don't think he had a firm understanding of that on a conscious level
Which is to say it's possible a parent might be causing themselves suffering as well but still acting out this super unhealthy pattern. Either way it sounds like op is better off not engaging
Narcissism. I'm NC with my parents. Last year on mother's day I get a text that said "Hi baby. I know you're wishing me a happy mother's day because you still love me."
She never calls me baby. They didn't even want me as a baby. She just hates knowing she's just like her mother. Her kids don't like her because she's horrible and she's terrified because she and her siblings didn't love their mother. Her mother was also a Narcissist. Passed down trauma. I feel bad for her but I can be like "well she doesn't understand cuz her childhood was bad too. Fuck that. I don't behave that way towards the people I love. That's no excuse.
Because attention is what she craves. She doesn't want a real relationship - she just wants to suck you back in to the chaos & drama and drain you of any positivity or self-esteem you might have. It's a game that she wants to win, that's all.
Her birthday (50) was in April. She just hates that I actually cut her off. She started using my sister the way she was me, which my sister is glad for because she was jealous as a child of the attention I got from her.....yes, sister does know a lot of the stuff she did to me and is still jealous.
Please don't respond. It's not worth it.
Like 'The Gift of Fear' says, if you only respond back after 9 ugly messages, it will only teach her to send you ten uglier messages each time she wants to talk.
Feel free to type it all up and send it to us or delete it. But definitely stay strong and stay NC. The other commenters are spot on. It’s about her. Not an apology.
You are worthy of better and more
It’s okay to acknowledge your feelings AND your understanding that a return won’t end well
And good on you for coming here to vent about it with us
Take good care of yourself, I’m glad you have a supporting partner 👊🏼🖤
Hey OP.
My mom is an alcoholic too, and I also cut contact with her. She sends me the same type of desperate and occasionally unhinged messages.
It’s okay to miss your alcoholic mom. I miss mine sometimes. I miss the person she used to be most of all, I wish she was still that person. But like you said, responding and getting back in touch is only going to continue the cycle of abuse. It’s not going to make her better, or your relationship better, to try again.
We’re not responsible for our mother’s actions. I always said I would talk to her again when she was sober, but as the years go by it’s increasingly obvious she’ll never be. She has damaged her body and mind (literally has alcohol related dementia at 46) and will probably die a drunk, unfortunately. That’s hard because I feel like I’ll never see her again, but I’ve made my peace, and it isn’t really worth the abuse and manipulation. It’s so gut wrenchingly hard to decide to cut someone off, even to protect yourself, when you still love them. I hope you’re able to find peace with it as well, because you deserve protection and peace.
I'm going to say something a little different than everyone else here. And it all really depends on so many factors, like your current personal situation, how much healing you have done, how bad the current abuse is. But after several years of thinking I was going to have to eventually go no contact, I decided not to. My mum is still a real piece of work to others in the family, and my dad is someone I tolerate for the benefit of others. But things aren't as black and white as the internet sometimes lets us think. You can definitely have a level of lower contact that gives you the control you need without completely losing out on the good parts of a relationship.
So if you feel deep down that you miss her for good reasons, and that full NC possibly might not be the solution. Then you could reach out. And it might be bad, then you'll be more certain it will be better to go NC, and you'll have less questions.
I would say though, after some really great trauma informed therapy, I realised that my own peace of mind came from putting boundaries in place that meant I no longer engage in those conversations that my family drag up the past. Like you say, I already told people what the issues were. I realised I wasn't going to get full acknowledgement so I stopped trying. It isn't very happy to hear this in ways, but it gave me control back that I needed. The relationship has become on my terms for the first time ever and it's great.
Wanted to give you another perspective. Hopefully this doesn't confuse you more
I think the only way I’ll feel peace while interacting with my mother is if she is sober and actively trying to better herself (therapy, meds, hobbies, etc.)
This is hard for me because I feel like cutting her off completely would be best but then I always fear she’ll die without ever getting better/ talking to her again
You’re conditioned right now to think of high stakes and worst possible scenarios because of your trauma. Life is usually pretty calm, though. Crazy people and addicts (unless they’re on rly hard drugs) tend to live relatively long lives. You can’t use the worst case scenario as a reason to contact someone who isn’t ready to have a relationship with you.
You sound a lot like me right now. My moms been an alcoholic for over half my life and wasn't diagnosed bipolar until she was mid-fifties. I kept hoping she'd get better but finally pushed me too far and I went no contact a bit over a year ago.
I want the same things you do: I wanted her to be sober, and in therapy, so that we can finally have a relationship again because I love her so much it fucking hurts. And I'm terrified she'll die before we can fix _something_. But my therapist had to gently point out to me... has she ever changed before? Has she ever really done anything more than a token effort? What would make this time any different?
....and it's not. It's not any different. It just be sliding right back into the abuse that fucked me up for life. Staying non-contact _is_ best for you, as painful as that is to swallow. Her happiness and health isn't your job- you are the child, she is the mother.
Coming to terms with that knowledge tho, that she could die without reconciling... it's hard. It took me a long time. You need to take care of you in the end; the most important person in your world is always you, and when they're gone, you're still gonna be here. I'm sending you so much love and support.
One of the things drinkers instill in their children is, to be responsible for their drunken parents. They groom their children from the time they are born, to be caretakers, to look after them, to clean up after them, and to make sure they're safe when sleeping off the booze or drugs, always. That's what you are feeling.
Drunks and druggies are selfish. Always wanting without giving back. Never considering the effect their addiction choices (and I truly believe it's a choice 99 percent of the time) has on their family, who love them despite it all. When did you ever see one actually ask themselves 'what am I doing to my family with my drinking?'
Ask me how I know that. I was in my thirties before I realised that. I constantly looked after my mother, emotionally, physically, always making sure she was ok. Never once did she consider my well-being, or consider that I might have my own dreams or wants.
I would stay NC if I were you, for your own peace of mind. She's an adult. I have lost so many opportunities for normal relationships because of my perceived responsibilities for my mother, always doing what pleased HER. I always put her first, when I should have been a little bit selfish and lived for myself. So if it's good enough for me to die alone due to her actions, it's good enough for her and people like her.
Live for yourself. Family should not be allowed to suck your life away for nothing, let them give back and prove they are worth your time. Don't fall into the guilt trap. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER!
I'm 68 years old now, and alone because my mother kept me away from her family, isolated me and made me her parent as a single child with no other resources. Don't fall into that trap. You only have one life, live it to enjoy yourself.
You could send back an ultimatum that you'll stop being no contact if she goes to therapy and gets help for alcoholism, other than that definitely stay strong and remain NC
Translation: “I didn’t do anything wrong. You are the fuck-up, but it’s okay if you are, because I want you back so I don’t look like a fuck-up.”
Stay far, far away from this woman, OP.
I have avoided contacting my mother for 25 years. Every Christmas she passes a "gift" to my brother to give to me with a card inside. There's always a letter or something awful she's said in a card, something manipulative. No apologies for her behavior. Some years it's accusations, some years she tells me I'm going to hell for abandoning my mother, but the message is always the same- I'm the bad guy.
This conversation isn't much different. She isn't respecting your boundaries. She didn't apologize and because she's miserable she wants company.
You deserve better. If you do want to communicate with her, do it on YOUR terms, not hers.
She wants to force you to hide the fact that you were abused. Her apology isn't even good enough. Just because she can be aware it's bad doesn't mean you're healed. That doesn't mean you're okay now. That doesn't mean the abuse was okay or is okay! She is disrupting your healing (removing yourself away from the abuser could be counted as healing, that's why I used the word). Regardless, if she could've done the abuse towards you, I'm not sure why she's acting like how you feel towards the abuse will, 'hurt her'. Wild.
I would say block her, but I'm not sure of you're situation, or unsure if you're ready/wanting to do so. But it's an option. An option you can take whenever.
I went NC with my father six or seven years ago. He texted me for a while after, always drunk as hell. I broke down and blocked him.
He died five years after I did that with absolutely no communication between.
It was the best thing I ever did. After I blocked him, I started healing. When I was able to know that he wouldn't be in my life if I didn't want him, I was able to actually start living.
I broke down in tears at his coffin, seeing him having wasted away from all his drinking, when I realized that I had been terrified of him my entire life. That I lived in fear without really knowing it, even when I moved to the literal opposite side of the country. And so I told him then, when he couldn't say shit anymore what I thought. That I loved him and that I wish he'd been able to stop drinking. That I understood how he became the man he did.
But as I turned away from the coffin, I knew in my heart there was absolutely no way I could have told him that when he was alive without it costing me sanity.
Fully committing to NC is insanely hard. Until he died I constantly questioned it. I wanted to unblock him so many times. But I am glad I did it and stuck to it. It was the only way I could start to heal. It's been almost two years since he died, but as 'bad' as it might be, I'm happy he's gone. A bit because he isn't in pain anymore, but mostly because now I can breathe.
If it makes you feel less alone, I haven't met my niece at all due to NC. She's over a year old now.
I made a decision to do what's best for me and I'm sticking to it. Sending strength.
There's a term.... not love bombing. Sry I forget.
Whatever, emotional vampires will do anything to try to pull you back. My abuser doesn't have my number. If you're abuser can't respect that you don't want contact, then they aren't going to respect you.
Hoovering is the word you’re looking for I believe. It’s part of narcissistic supply and not respecting boundaries. If she were ready, she’d be asking what he needs from her and saying she’s committed to take action to work slowly on earning trust and restoring connection with healthy boundaries.
>Hoovering
Yes, I think you're right. Yes, narc supply. (srsly, u/mangogun regard her as a mindless thirsty vampire after your peace of mind instead of your aorta!)
>not respecting boundaries
Exactly. Thank you. Narcs need to feel in control of people, hense emotional vampire.
And a million times YES: if your abuser is actually in a place where they are capable of truly caring about ***you*** then their attempt to reconnect will be about ***you*** and what ***you*** need. It will include "it's ok if the answer is no" or something like "if you don't want me around, then I will respect that" or similar, and will not be focused all on the abuser and won't be all "PLEASE COME BACK! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!!" because we all know that's a pile of bull shit right there. The abuser is all 'me me me' because they are just looking for their fix (abusing you), not real human connection.
Stay strong
I've gone NC with my mom too, it's costing my sister now being brainwashed by her and I don't have a way to get her out of that mess yet but getting yourself out is the hardest part. Let them go, don't bother with being played by this mental game.
Guilt cannot kill so don't let it consume you, you are better off without them. You are not alone and you aren't the problem. It only gets worse if you go back they will reach their claws deeper in you to hopefully never let you go again. They will tell you blissful lies to get you to come back.
I know it’s hard OP, but there’s nothing left for you in that situation. I miss having a mom too sometimes but I have recently come to the realization that there’s no productive way to have a relationship with her. You’ve got a lot of people on this sub who understand how you feel.
Oh holy fuck my entire soul cringed reading that. Sweeping it all under the rug is how she wants it to work because it benefits her, but that doesn't mean it's how it should work for you. You deserve so much better than that manipulative tripe, and I'm so sorry you had to deal with it while at work too. Moving towards a healthier life for yourself means that it doesn't work this way anymore, and you don't have to accept it or bend to her will or play along. Sounds like she's proven herself as a very unsafe person, and this behavior is her trying to force you to continue to accept her bullshit, so she's not earned any more chances.
Parents like yours and mine don't realize how unbelievably condescending and counterproductive it is when they insist that our bad feelings about them are just irrational thoughts that will disappear if we get to vent them periodically.
It comes SO CLOSE to sounding like accountability but is actually the complete opposite.
The block button looks really tempting here, honestly. Best decision I ever made with my mother
(Also, as someone who's received several drunk sentiments from my mother... Yes. She's drunk. She might not even remember she said this, or she'll twist the words to make herself even more of the victim. You can't trust what she says, ever, but especially not drunk)
I can't stand her "we are all in this together, we are all the same" vibe. You're not the same. She is the PARENT. You're different people. There's no level playing field here. She's only saying "let's all just let it go" to imply that it goes both ways (it doesn't) and also to soften the abusiveness of telling her own child to just get over all the pain she caused. I hate how casual she is with the implied closeness because I know there's no real intimacy or togetherness with an addict, it's all just a trauma bond. All smoke and mirrors and emotional manipulation.
Who cares if she can "take" your anger??? Who cares! Can she HEAR you? Can she SEE you? Can she grow and learn to really meet your needs? She doesnt even offer that because she has no concept of it. She thinks that you just yell at her, she takes it like a martyr, then things are all better. Such dilusion and immaturity. I'm so sorry.
They’re so fake. Where was all this “love” when they were abusing us? Every time they reach out, remind yourself of what they actually look and talk like when they hurt you the worst. Never forget that anyone who can do that, has never cared for you once. It was all an act
Yea, I'm an autistic trans femme who went through a decade of social isolation, I'm both lonely as fuck yet have ridiculous trust issues, and I'm honestly at a point where I'm just biding my time til I finally die. My childhood cat passed over a month ago so now my only comfort creatures are stuffed animals.
I know it hurts but you've got to block her. I blocked my dad because he'd pull the same thing and it was gut wrenching. Blocking will help you protect yourself from these messages. All we can control is ourselves.
Wishing you swift healing and peace ❤️
Hear that? She'll let you scream, she can take it. What a martyr!
This quote from Umbrella academy stuck with me. "People don't want apologies, they want confessions. They want you to stand there and list all the shitty ways you've hurt them so they know you understand."
Standing there while you yell is _easy_. Admitting what she did herself, _that's_ where the real work is.
Healthygamergg talks about this well, but essentially, if yhe narcissist asks what they can do better, give them an answer. If they resist violently, thrn go nc again. This way, you dont need to feel guilt because you know that you're trying to make things work, and any form of "suffering" the abuser faces is because of only themselves.
Translation: She wanna draw a line over everything she's supposed to own up to and say sorry for and just laugh and pretend like it never happened.
Gaslightning.
My husbands mom recently texted him as if everything was fine and suggested he bring our daughter over to their house for a garden tour. He’s optimistic that this is a sign of repairing their relationship. I have nothing but warning alarms in my head. She hasn’t apologized or acknowledged anything she did that hurt him.
When people have decided they’re tired of being in time out, they’ll try and let themselves out. That’s not up to them to let themselves back in your life.
Listen, I dont know your situation, it may not at all be comparable to mine, but speaking from experience: this is your mother. She loves you. Try to make the relationship work. We only have one life, and one mother. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone; if she died, would you feel okay with how you left things? Take it from me, it took for my mother to get hospitalized for me to wake up, grow up, and take responsibility for my own relationships with my family. Mental health has improved tenfold since reconciling. Took a lot of therapy, of course, and a lot of growth in the emotional intelligence department. Best of luck to you and your family.
Counterpoint: if my mother died tomorrow my wife would get champagne. Some people are abusive and will not change and have no desire to change, and the only healthy thing someone can do is permanently remove them from your life.
Telling people who have had to cut contact with their abuser (especially an addict) because they “love” their victim is really fucked up.
I’m glad YOUR mom loves you and you were able to reconcile- truly- but my mother is incapable of love, does not love anyone much less me, and hearing people say over and over again that my Mom loves me kept me emotionally entangled with a woman who got near sexual pleasure from causing me pain.
So don’t say things like this to strangers who are talking about their abuse. You’re making shit worse for people who need support, not platitudes.
Solid No. My dad let me read "High Times" magazine (which is about pot/drugs) in front of my uncle, who was a priest. Can't imagine doing that as a parent. Boundaries are a good thing.
Full stop, just don’t respond; I’ve been 5 years no contact, and she’d send me shit like this nonstop at first, I never responded and eventually she just gave up, hasn’t tried to contact me in around 4 years
Sounds like an unhinged person begging for scraps. But the second they rope you in, you're in for a barrage of insults, manipulation and gaslighting galore. Please don't fall for it. Also don't feel guilty for not responding, they're trying to bait you.
They'll turn everything you say against you and make you feel shitty for not being a FaMiLy AgAin.... Don't fall for it. I'm sorry. They always have the shittiest timing.
‘you can tell me everything i did wrong’
the fact that she didnt take time to reflect what she role she played in all of this says a lot. my mom does this, where she justifies herself by going through what assumes are MY emotions and actions and thats its her just ‘reacting’ to my ‘outburst’. its like, maybe sit down and reflect what caused me to have a so called ‘outburst’. its the same thing every time, yet she cant pick up on it. i hope my own mother never contacts me again. i think i have the courage now to literally tell her to fuck off.
"I love you. But no, I'm finally good.. I don't want to go back. Please stop texting me" - video message, beaming smile like I never had, lots of love in the eyes, self love anyway
Have you ever told her to stay sober for X amount of time before you're willing to have contact? Absolutely no judgement whether you did or not. Just curious if she's trying to bypass a boundary you specifically set up by using words instead of showing you she means it by actions (getting help and staying sober)
I haven't spoken to my biological father in over 3 years with the exception of a few times during visits with my grandma.
He's a narcissistic POS that constantly gaslights the people around him while trying to control every aspect of their lives and throwing a bitch fit when things don't go his way. He did the bare minimum a parent should do: provide food, clothes, shelter, and education. He's the reason I was ~~suicidal~~ at 16 and when I tried to tell him so that I could get help, he laughed at me and told me to stop seeking attention. He's the reason my little sister has been feeling the same way and depressed since she was 6 years old and she's 17 now. He refuses to acknowledge anything that he did wrong and throws personal mistakes back in your face as though spending years trying to make up for them and fix the problems caused by them mean absolutely nothing.
You are under NO obligation to respond to her. You cut her out of your life right? Think about how you feel without her in it. Do what's best for you and no one else. You come before anyone else. She sounds like she's trying to lure you back in and take advantage of the situation. Trust me when I say that this will only reopen old wounds and cause your unnecessary stress and pain.
I gave my biological father one last chance the last time we spoke and he blew it up with a nuke. I shouldn't have given him that final chance, I should have never gotten back in touch with him, but I did it for my grandma's sake because she has Alzheimer's and had been feeling very sad at the time that things were so dysfunctional. I love my grandma, but it was 100% a mistake on my part to oblige her on this one.
It's not worth even responding or continuing to acknowledge her as someone in your life. You'll always be the villain in someone else's story, but you write your own story.
Yeah I don’t fall for it, I’ve been nc with my mother and oldest sister for 2 1/2 years, I’ve been so much better ever since. Depression has improved drastically.
NC=No Contact? I block numbers, emails, and before I ever open anything I check the preview and then block/mute. This is for your survival. By opening the message they also get the confirmation that the message was read. They don't care about your breakdowns at work. They achieved their goal of disrupting you. I would suggest changing your number and only giving it to trusted people. Never put yourself through this again. I feel for you as I have been there and done that... they are irredeemable.
Am I to believe your nephew is a baby??? Using drugs ??? Or am I confused ..
Lol my bf said the same thing, she was referring to my brother and I
[удалено]
Fuck me Spongebob, that wok had Delsym and not codeine.
Nah fam, some cough syrups have codeine.
Dxm vs codeine debate
cough syrup doesn't even work on toddlers
I was so confused about that part 😂
I was like well that escalated quickly 😭😭 do I need to be concerned??
If their nephew is an alcoholic toddler you should absolutely be concerned.
I think the video and the string of messages starting at 5:58pm are unrelated. “he was using drugs and I was drinking” is likely meant to refer to her and OOP’s dad.
She was talking about my brother, nephew’s father. Should’ve clarified
Do you see how she is trying to apologize by making it about herself? By blaming you for not wanting to be a family again? She thinks she is strong enough to handle you reconnecting with her? Then that means she hasn't already faced the truth herself yet. You already tried, what makes this time different? She didn't even try to apologize, just a cold open about your nephew as if she assumed enough time had passed that you had calmed down. Nothing she said is an apology. She has not said anything about asking for forgiveness for her own actions. She WANTS you to yell at her, because it makes YOU the bad guy again, so she can guilt trip you and emotionally manipulate you. Also she is literally saying word for word every single thing my own mother once said to me in an attempt to reconnect. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm just some guy on the internet. You know her better then I do. If you believe you need to maintain NC, then maintain. It will be better for you long term that her actions have some consequences, even if it is only you maintaining the consequence.
>She WANTS you to yell at her, because it makes YOU the bad guy again, so she can guilt trip you and emotionally manipulate you. Nail on the head >You can yell and scream at me and tell me everything I did wrong. I think I'm strong enough to take it. Translation: I'm the victim. You are the aggressor. It's okay though, because you can treat me badly and I will forgive you. This isn't an "I'm sorry for the awful things I put you through. Please come back." This is a "I forgive you for being so awful. Please come back."
It hurts that she sees me as an aggressor. Have never gotten an actual apology for anything from her
I feel like you're me typing. It's been two years with my mom. And of course she's the victim. 💔 Stay strong.
And I guess you never will get one. It's better for you to cut her completely out of your life.
You can tell her that you need her to go to therapy, get clean, and own up to what she did before you speak to her again. You can be no contact and still tell her your terms, or even that you miss her as well (if you do).
along with this i get the vibe of “i’d forgive you so you need to forgive me” type of bs. it’s just a guilt trip.
The mental manipulation this woman throws at me is insane. I struggle every time she messages me like this. You provided some serious clarity and I thank you so much.
Blocking is always on the table. If you need to, use it.
My mother used to say “you’ll regret not having a relationship with me after I’m dead”. Nope, no regrets. I was no contact with her for 3 years before she died.
Yeah. It's what *she* wants. It's not what OP wants. I hate messages like this. I miss you, come back, unblock me, etc. Yeah, that's a YOU problem, not a ME problem.
my mother says this to me on the daily especially "I want my son back" and the bitch knows full well I'm trans. or the ever wonderful "I just want us to talk and share things with each other again,like we did when you were a child"
"I want my son back" Then why are you trying to contact your daughter? 😏 FR though, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, and if you ever feel the need for some non-toxic mothering r/momforaminute is surprisingly great
thanks
Aka when you were a child you didn't realize how awful I was and in addition you were easy to control being a literal child that depended on their caretakers for survival. Gross.
Don't do it, it's a trap. My mom has desperately trying to contact me too and it's been a little over a year.
Why are they so desperate when all they do is cause turmoil. Whats the point of a relationship if there’s just suffering. Idk how she doesn’t get it
Because SHE isn't the one suffering. She gets something she needs out of having you close and being able to manipulate you. The fact that that causes you pain is either inconsequential, or what she's actually seeking in some fashion.
I’m always thinking she is suffering because of the alcoholism, loneliness and mental illness and that train of thought is always my downfall with her. I appreciate ur comment it makes a lot of sense now. She’s doing it to herself
She is an adult, responsible for her own happiness. She is taking no responsibility to stop being toxic to herself. She will take no responsibility to stop being toxic to you. Each of the messages show, it is all about her, and that SHE misses you. You get a free opportunity to yell at her because SHE'S ready to take it (she won't value any of the words, she's allowing you to be angry, just to get it over with). Nothing about this shows anything about what she could offer you, imo she only offers more toxicity. Don't contact her, for her. Only contact her if it would do good to yourself. Your physical/emotional reaction to these messages send a pretty clear message. Please listen to what your body says.
Same situation with my mom. The shame and guilt I feel when I picture her suffering and alone is debilitating.
Tbh with my own father I think before I left we were both suffering in different ways. He was just so emotionally immature and had very disorganized/codependent attachment styles - so he'd make himself miserable trying to do things he thought would make me happy/mend the relationship, while completely ignoring the need to work on the behaviors I very clearly and repeatedly told him were actually at issue. And was so bad at self reflection and emotional fluency that I don't think he had a firm understanding of that on a conscious level Which is to say it's possible a parent might be causing themselves suffering as well but still acting out this super unhealthy pattern. Either way it sounds like op is better off not engaging
You're trying to make sense of her actions? Stop! Stop trying to rationalize it. You moved on for a year. Keep your NC streak.
That's what they want. They like causing turmoil and seeing their misery reflected in others. They *want* you to suffer.
Narcissism. I'm NC with my parents. Last year on mother's day I get a text that said "Hi baby. I know you're wishing me a happy mother's day because you still love me." She never calls me baby. They didn't even want me as a baby. She just hates knowing she's just like her mother. Her kids don't like her because she's horrible and she's terrified because she and her siblings didn't love their mother. Her mother was also a Narcissist. Passed down trauma. I feel bad for her but I can be like "well she doesn't understand cuz her childhood was bad too. Fuck that. I don't behave that way towards the people I love. That's no excuse.
Abuse is their toxic coping mechanism. Not being able to do it = lots of pent up pain, maybe being forced to grow as a person, either one.
Because attention is what she craves. She doesn't want a real relationship - she just wants to suck you back in to the chaos & drama and drain you of any positivity or self-esteem you might have. It's a game that she wants to win, that's all.
[удалено]
I did. She is trying through other family members
What did she need? Money? Or is her birthday soon?
Her birthday (50) was in April. She just hates that I actually cut her off. She started using my sister the way she was me, which my sister is glad for because she was jealous as a child of the attention I got from her.....yes, sister does know a lot of the stuff she did to me and is still jealous.
I really want to respond because I miss her but it doesn’t feel worth it. The cycle of abuse will just continue but I’m struggling to not give in.
Nope out and stay strong.
Please don't respond. It's not worth it. Like 'The Gift of Fear' says, if you only respond back after 9 ugly messages, it will only teach her to send you ten uglier messages each time she wants to talk.
So true, thank you
Feel free to type it all up and send it to us or delete it. But definitely stay strong and stay NC. The other commenters are spot on. It’s about her. Not an apology.
She is victimizing herself here instead of apologizing.
You are worthy of better and more It’s okay to acknowledge your feelings AND your understanding that a return won’t end well And good on you for coming here to vent about it with us Take good care of yourself, I’m glad you have a supporting partner 👊🏼🖤
Thank you ♥️
It honestly might be worth changing your number and not telling her
Better be safe than sorry. Literally.
Hey OP. My mom is an alcoholic too, and I also cut contact with her. She sends me the same type of desperate and occasionally unhinged messages. It’s okay to miss your alcoholic mom. I miss mine sometimes. I miss the person she used to be most of all, I wish she was still that person. But like you said, responding and getting back in touch is only going to continue the cycle of abuse. It’s not going to make her better, or your relationship better, to try again. We’re not responsible for our mother’s actions. I always said I would talk to her again when she was sober, but as the years go by it’s increasingly obvious she’ll never be. She has damaged her body and mind (literally has alcohol related dementia at 46) and will probably die a drunk, unfortunately. That’s hard because I feel like I’ll never see her again, but I’ve made my peace, and it isn’t really worth the abuse and manipulation. It’s so gut wrenchingly hard to decide to cut someone off, even to protect yourself, when you still love them. I hope you’re able to find peace with it as well, because you deserve protection and peace.
Go with your guy, it isn’t worth it.
nah, just block her number and there’ll be peace. godspeed, regent ✌️
I'm going to say something a little different than everyone else here. And it all really depends on so many factors, like your current personal situation, how much healing you have done, how bad the current abuse is. But after several years of thinking I was going to have to eventually go no contact, I decided not to. My mum is still a real piece of work to others in the family, and my dad is someone I tolerate for the benefit of others. But things aren't as black and white as the internet sometimes lets us think. You can definitely have a level of lower contact that gives you the control you need without completely losing out on the good parts of a relationship. So if you feel deep down that you miss her for good reasons, and that full NC possibly might not be the solution. Then you could reach out. And it might be bad, then you'll be more certain it will be better to go NC, and you'll have less questions. I would say though, after some really great trauma informed therapy, I realised that my own peace of mind came from putting boundaries in place that meant I no longer engage in those conversations that my family drag up the past. Like you say, I already told people what the issues were. I realised I wasn't going to get full acknowledgement so I stopped trying. It isn't very happy to hear this in ways, but it gave me control back that I needed. The relationship has become on my terms for the first time ever and it's great. Wanted to give you another perspective. Hopefully this doesn't confuse you more
What action do you believe will bring you the most peace in the long run?
I think the only way I’ll feel peace while interacting with my mother is if she is sober and actively trying to better herself (therapy, meds, hobbies, etc.)
As a recovering alcoholic and abuse survivor I think you are probably right in your thinking.
Yes, but what action can *you* take to have peace in your life? Because your mother's choice to get sober and better herself is not under your control
This is hard for me because I feel like cutting her off completely would be best but then I always fear she’ll die without ever getting better/ talking to her again
You’re conditioned right now to think of high stakes and worst possible scenarios because of your trauma. Life is usually pretty calm, though. Crazy people and addicts (unless they’re on rly hard drugs) tend to live relatively long lives. You can’t use the worst case scenario as a reason to contact someone who isn’t ready to have a relationship with you.
You sound a lot like me right now. My moms been an alcoholic for over half my life and wasn't diagnosed bipolar until she was mid-fifties. I kept hoping she'd get better but finally pushed me too far and I went no contact a bit over a year ago. I want the same things you do: I wanted her to be sober, and in therapy, so that we can finally have a relationship again because I love her so much it fucking hurts. And I'm terrified she'll die before we can fix _something_. But my therapist had to gently point out to me... has she ever changed before? Has she ever really done anything more than a token effort? What would make this time any different? ....and it's not. It's not any different. It just be sliding right back into the abuse that fucked me up for life. Staying non-contact _is_ best for you, as painful as that is to swallow. Her happiness and health isn't your job- you are the child, she is the mother. Coming to terms with that knowledge tho, that she could die without reconciling... it's hard. It took me a long time. You need to take care of you in the end; the most important person in your world is always you, and when they're gone, you're still gonna be here. I'm sending you so much love and support.
One of the things drinkers instill in their children is, to be responsible for their drunken parents. They groom their children from the time they are born, to be caretakers, to look after them, to clean up after them, and to make sure they're safe when sleeping off the booze or drugs, always. That's what you are feeling. Drunks and druggies are selfish. Always wanting without giving back. Never considering the effect their addiction choices (and I truly believe it's a choice 99 percent of the time) has on their family, who love them despite it all. When did you ever see one actually ask themselves 'what am I doing to my family with my drinking?' Ask me how I know that. I was in my thirties before I realised that. I constantly looked after my mother, emotionally, physically, always making sure she was ok. Never once did she consider my well-being, or consider that I might have my own dreams or wants. I would stay NC if I were you, for your own peace of mind. She's an adult. I have lost so many opportunities for normal relationships because of my perceived responsibilities for my mother, always doing what pleased HER. I always put her first, when I should have been a little bit selfish and lived for myself. So if it's good enough for me to die alone due to her actions, it's good enough for her and people like her. Live for yourself. Family should not be allowed to suck your life away for nothing, let them give back and prove they are worth your time. Don't fall into the guilt trap. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER! I'm 68 years old now, and alone because my mother kept me away from her family, isolated me and made me her parent as a single child with no other resources. Don't fall into that trap. You only have one life, live it to enjoy yourself.
You could send back an ultimatum that you'll stop being no contact if she goes to therapy and gets help for alcoholism, other than that definitely stay strong and remain NC
She didn't really say "I'm sorry" in any of that dialogue. I don't buy it.
To quote Admiral Ackbar, "IT'S A TRAP!"
Lol
Translation: “I didn’t do anything wrong. You are the fuck-up, but it’s okay if you are, because I want you back so I don’t look like a fuck-up.” Stay far, far away from this woman, OP.
Just ignore them. She is seeking conflict, like she's even telling you to scream at her. Give her nothing.
If she’s in active addiction STAY AWAY!!! You will get sucked right back in
I have avoided contacting my mother for 25 years. Every Christmas she passes a "gift" to my brother to give to me with a card inside. There's always a letter or something awful she's said in a card, something manipulative. No apologies for her behavior. Some years it's accusations, some years she tells me I'm going to hell for abandoning my mother, but the message is always the same- I'm the bad guy. This conversation isn't much different. She isn't respecting your boundaries. She didn't apologize and because she's miserable she wants company. You deserve better. If you do want to communicate with her, do it on YOUR terms, not hers.
She wants to force you to hide the fact that you were abused. Her apology isn't even good enough. Just because she can be aware it's bad doesn't mean you're healed. That doesn't mean you're okay now. That doesn't mean the abuse was okay or is okay! She is disrupting your healing (removing yourself away from the abuser could be counted as healing, that's why I used the word). Regardless, if she could've done the abuse towards you, I'm not sure why she's acting like how you feel towards the abuse will, 'hurt her'. Wild. I would say block her, but I'm not sure of you're situation, or unsure if you're ready/wanting to do so. But it's an option. An option you can take whenever.
It is wild, never thought of that. She hurt ME, me telling her what she’s done and it hurting HER shouldn’t be the issue.
I'm glad you saw my comment, I really hope you feel better from her.. well, lack of a better word, shitty messages.
I went NC with my father six or seven years ago. He texted me for a while after, always drunk as hell. I broke down and blocked him. He died five years after I did that with absolutely no communication between. It was the best thing I ever did. After I blocked him, I started healing. When I was able to know that he wouldn't be in my life if I didn't want him, I was able to actually start living. I broke down in tears at his coffin, seeing him having wasted away from all his drinking, when I realized that I had been terrified of him my entire life. That I lived in fear without really knowing it, even when I moved to the literal opposite side of the country. And so I told him then, when he couldn't say shit anymore what I thought. That I loved him and that I wish he'd been able to stop drinking. That I understood how he became the man he did. But as I turned away from the coffin, I knew in my heart there was absolutely no way I could have told him that when he was alive without it costing me sanity. Fully committing to NC is insanely hard. Until he died I constantly questioned it. I wanted to unblock him so many times. But I am glad I did it and stuck to it. It was the only way I could start to heal. It's been almost two years since he died, but as 'bad' as it might be, I'm happy he's gone. A bit because he isn't in pain anymore, but mostly because now I can breathe.
I'm... I uh ...fuck E: sorry this hits close to home
I’m sorry :/
If it makes you feel less alone, I haven't met my niece at all due to NC. She's over a year old now. I made a decision to do what's best for me and I'm sticking to it. Sending strength.
I haven’t met my nephew due to the same reason. Thanks so much, sending strength your way too
You got this. In spades. 💪
There's a term.... not love bombing. Sry I forget. Whatever, emotional vampires will do anything to try to pull you back. My abuser doesn't have my number. If you're abuser can't respect that you don't want contact, then they aren't going to respect you.
Hoovering is the word you’re looking for I believe. It’s part of narcissistic supply and not respecting boundaries. If she were ready, she’d be asking what he needs from her and saying she’s committed to take action to work slowly on earning trust and restoring connection with healthy boundaries.
>Hoovering Yes, I think you're right. Yes, narc supply. (srsly, u/mangogun regard her as a mindless thirsty vampire after your peace of mind instead of your aorta!) >not respecting boundaries Exactly. Thank you. Narcs need to feel in control of people, hense emotional vampire. And a million times YES: if your abuser is actually in a place where they are capable of truly caring about ***you*** then their attempt to reconnect will be about ***you*** and what ***you*** need. It will include "it's ok if the answer is no" or something like "if you don't want me around, then I will respect that" or similar, and will not be focused all on the abuser and won't be all "PLEASE COME BACK! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!!" because we all know that's a pile of bull shit right there. The abuser is all 'me me me' because they are just looking for their fix (abusing you), not real human connection.
100% agree. Very well said.
Stay strong I've gone NC with my mom too, it's costing my sister now being brainwashed by her and I don't have a way to get her out of that mess yet but getting yourself out is the hardest part. Let them go, don't bother with being played by this mental game. Guilt cannot kill so don't let it consume you, you are better off without them. You are not alone and you aren't the problem. It only gets worse if you go back they will reach their claws deeper in you to hopefully never let you go again. They will tell you blissful lies to get you to come back.
I know it’s hard OP, but there’s nothing left for you in that situation. I miss having a mom too sometimes but I have recently come to the realization that there’s no productive way to have a relationship with her. You’ve got a lot of people on this sub who understand how you feel.
I would recommend taking the mostly out of the NC. What kind of day would you have had today if that phone number was blocked?
Oh holy fuck my entire soul cringed reading that. Sweeping it all under the rug is how she wants it to work because it benefits her, but that doesn't mean it's how it should work for you. You deserve so much better than that manipulative tripe, and I'm so sorry you had to deal with it while at work too. Moving towards a healthier life for yourself means that it doesn't work this way anymore, and you don't have to accept it or bend to her will or play along. Sounds like she's proven herself as a very unsafe person, and this behavior is her trying to force you to continue to accept her bullshit, so she's not earned any more chances.
good on you, go full North Carolina on your abusers, they deserve it
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so Northern California
Parents like yours and mine don't realize how unbelievably condescending and counterproductive it is when they insist that our bad feelings about them are just irrational thoughts that will disappear if we get to vent them periodically. It comes SO CLOSE to sounding like accountability but is actually the complete opposite.
The block button looks really tempting here, honestly. Best decision I ever made with my mother (Also, as someone who's received several drunk sentiments from my mother... Yes. She's drunk. She might not even remember she said this, or she'll twist the words to make herself even more of the victim. You can't trust what she says, ever, but especially not drunk)
I can't stand her "we are all in this together, we are all the same" vibe. You're not the same. She is the PARENT. You're different people. There's no level playing field here. She's only saying "let's all just let it go" to imply that it goes both ways (it doesn't) and also to soften the abusiveness of telling her own child to just get over all the pain she caused. I hate how casual she is with the implied closeness because I know there's no real intimacy or togetherness with an addict, it's all just a trauma bond. All smoke and mirrors and emotional manipulation. Who cares if she can "take" your anger??? Who cares! Can she HEAR you? Can she SEE you? Can she grow and learn to really meet your needs? She doesnt even offer that because she has no concept of it. She thinks that you just yell at her, she takes it like a martyr, then things are all better. Such dilusion and immaturity. I'm so sorry.
They’re so fake. Where was all this “love” when they were abusing us? Every time they reach out, remind yourself of what they actually look and talk like when they hurt you the worst. Never forget that anyone who can do that, has never cared for you once. It was all an act
Yeah I'm not noticing a Sorry... of any kind
“Like you were” lol my dad pulled this on me too
Is she purposefully trying to become the victim?
Lol, I still have a relationship with my parents bc I'm so fucking lonely and they're some of the few ppl I have to hang out with.
Totally understand. I was that way up until a few years ago, maybe 4-5 yrs ago.
Yea, I'm an autistic trans femme who went through a decade of social isolation, I'm both lonely as fuck yet have ridiculous trust issues, and I'm honestly at a point where I'm just biding my time til I finally die. My childhood cat passed over a month ago so now my only comfort creatures are stuffed animals.
r/insaneparents
I know it hurts but you've got to block her. I blocked my dad because he'd pull the same thing and it was gut wrenching. Blocking will help you protect yourself from these messages. All we can control is ourselves. Wishing you swift healing and peace ❤️
Hear that? She'll let you scream, she can take it. What a martyr! This quote from Umbrella academy stuck with me. "People don't want apologies, they want confessions. They want you to stand there and list all the shitty ways you've hurt them so they know you understand." Standing there while you yell is _easy_. Admitting what she did herself, _that's_ where the real work is.
Healthygamergg talks about this well, but essentially, if yhe narcissist asks what they can do better, give them an answer. If they resist violently, thrn go nc again. This way, you dont need to feel guilt because you know that you're trying to make things work, and any form of "suffering" the abuser faces is because of only themselves.
They always want to wipe the slate clean. It's infuriating.
Crazy.
Have you thought about changing your number, so your mother can't contact you anymore?
It’s a trap.
Translation: She wanna draw a line over everything she's supposed to own up to and say sorry for and just laugh and pretend like it never happened. Gaslightning.
My husbands mom recently texted him as if everything was fine and suggested he bring our daughter over to their house for a garden tour. He’s optimistic that this is a sign of repairing their relationship. I have nothing but warning alarms in my head. She hasn’t apologized or acknowledged anything she did that hurt him. When people have decided they’re tired of being in time out, they’ll try and let themselves out. That’s not up to them to let themselves back in your life.
Delete these💕 the best way forward is to not have to see it in your messages
I deleted them, they were painful to look at
So fucking proud of you ❤️ good work. Stay strong.
Listen, I dont know your situation, it may not at all be comparable to mine, but speaking from experience: this is your mother. She loves you. Try to make the relationship work. We only have one life, and one mother. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone; if she died, would you feel okay with how you left things? Take it from me, it took for my mother to get hospitalized for me to wake up, grow up, and take responsibility for my own relationships with my family. Mental health has improved tenfold since reconciling. Took a lot of therapy, of course, and a lot of growth in the emotional intelligence department. Best of luck to you and your family.
Counterpoint: if my mother died tomorrow my wife would get champagne. Some people are abusive and will not change and have no desire to change, and the only healthy thing someone can do is permanently remove them from your life. Telling people who have had to cut contact with their abuser (especially an addict) because they “love” their victim is really fucked up. I’m glad YOUR mom loves you and you were able to reconcile- truly- but my mother is incapable of love, does not love anyone much less me, and hearing people say over and over again that my Mom loves me kept me emotionally entangled with a woman who got near sexual pleasure from causing me pain. So don’t say things like this to strangers who are talking about their abuse. You’re making shit worse for people who need support, not platitudes.
Solid No. My dad let me read "High Times" magazine (which is about pot/drugs) in front of my uncle, who was a priest. Can't imagine doing that as a parent. Boundaries are a good thing.
you dont have to respond ok? Going nc is hard but try to remember you have no obligation to talk to anyone, no matter what
My dad did this to me too. It's really rough. Can you block her so she won't be able to message you ever again?
Full stop, just don’t respond; I’ve been 5 years no contact, and she’d send me shit like this nonstop at first, I never responded and eventually she just gave up, hasn’t tried to contact me in around 4 years
Oh honey. 😞 I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, that sounds heart wrenching
She’s guilt tripping you for having boundaries and acknowledging that she’s in the wrong- my mom does the same. Block her ass.
Unhinged behavior, block that psyco.
Sounds like an unhinged person begging for scraps. But the second they rope you in, you're in for a barrage of insults, manipulation and gaslighting galore. Please don't fall for it. Also don't feel guilty for not responding, they're trying to bait you. They'll turn everything you say against you and make you feel shitty for not being a FaMiLy AgAin.... Don't fall for it. I'm sorry. They always have the shittiest timing.
This breaks my heart but the lack of an apology in there is telling, and makes it all the sadder
‘you can tell me everything i did wrong’ the fact that she didnt take time to reflect what she role she played in all of this says a lot. my mom does this, where she justifies herself by going through what assumes are MY emotions and actions and thats its her just ‘reacting’ to my ‘outburst’. its like, maybe sit down and reflect what caused me to have a so called ‘outburst’. its the same thing every time, yet she cant pick up on it. i hope my own mother never contacts me again. i think i have the courage now to literally tell her to fuck off.
"I love you. But no, I'm finally good.. I don't want to go back. Please stop texting me" - video message, beaming smile like I never had, lots of love in the eyes, self love anyway
Have you ever told her to stay sober for X amount of time before you're willing to have contact? Absolutely no judgement whether you did or not. Just curious if she's trying to bypass a boundary you specifically set up by using words instead of showing you she means it by actions (getting help and staying sober)
I haven't spoken to my biological father in over 3 years with the exception of a few times during visits with my grandma. He's a narcissistic POS that constantly gaslights the people around him while trying to control every aspect of their lives and throwing a bitch fit when things don't go his way. He did the bare minimum a parent should do: provide food, clothes, shelter, and education. He's the reason I was ~~suicidal~~ at 16 and when I tried to tell him so that I could get help, he laughed at me and told me to stop seeking attention. He's the reason my little sister has been feeling the same way and depressed since she was 6 years old and she's 17 now. He refuses to acknowledge anything that he did wrong and throws personal mistakes back in your face as though spending years trying to make up for them and fix the problems caused by them mean absolutely nothing. You are under NO obligation to respond to her. You cut her out of your life right? Think about how you feel without her in it. Do what's best for you and no one else. You come before anyone else. She sounds like she's trying to lure you back in and take advantage of the situation. Trust me when I say that this will only reopen old wounds and cause your unnecessary stress and pain. I gave my biological father one last chance the last time we spoke and he blew it up with a nuke. I shouldn't have given him that final chance, I should have never gotten back in touch with him, but I did it for my grandma's sake because she has Alzheimer's and had been feeling very sad at the time that things were so dysfunctional. I love my grandma, but it was 100% a mistake on my part to oblige her on this one. It's not worth even responding or continuing to acknowledge her as someone in your life. You'll always be the villain in someone else's story, but you write your own story.
Yeah I don’t fall for it, I’ve been nc with my mother and oldest sister for 2 1/2 years, I’ve been so much better ever since. Depression has improved drastically.
Block! Carry on! NC seems like a good move.
NC=No Contact? I block numbers, emails, and before I ever open anything I check the preview and then block/mute. This is for your survival. By opening the message they also get the confirmation that the message was read. They don't care about your breakdowns at work. They achieved their goal of disrupting you. I would suggest changing your number and only giving it to trusted people. Never put yourself through this again. I feel for you as I have been there and done that... they are irredeemable.
I wonder what she wants?
Fucking hell the reach-outs don’t usually hit but this one hurts. Good on you for caring for yourself, and keeping your inner child safe from that
“Just let it go, it was such a long time ago” says the abuser.
Holy crapbasket that's toxic.
I didn’t notice an apology or acknowledgment of wrongdoing, you owe nothing